Things Overheard

Cheesy

2010-08-05T04:29:36Z

"My brain is telling me 'Pick up the cheesy bread, dip it, eat it.' My stomach is saying, 'Do it and I'll kill you.' "
---My friend Brooke.

livequotes @ 2010-04-30T20:50:00

2010-05-01T03:50:47Z

Commercial for Cox: says something about a bundle of joy.

My Dad: His Cox bundle of joy!

Why I love the FB friends feed:

2010-03-03T13:22:52Z

(They were discussing this site, fyi)

H: If I voted, I'd vote Tory. Not because I believe them, but because I think the British public deserve them; we have been complacent and pathetic, we deserve to suffer for it.

T: so what you're saying is...david cameron is the hero gotha-britain deserves, but not the one it needs? david cameron is batman?

A year and a half in my apartment is amazing...

2010-02-10T19:44:08Z

Some time ago, my friends and I decided to write in a quote book. A simple tablet of paper, jotting down things we had said that could potentially be incriminating later. I decided to post them here, using their pseudonyms from my journal. Most of them are not by who said them, but some are in order to figure out timelines...

... ENJOY!

"10 cents for the pink kitty"
"When (Hunny) passes out, do you want to have sex with me?" - Hunny's boyfriend
"Your apartment is so cute, I want to chew on it."
"When my princess screams, I pay attention to her."
"I want the thing and the mat to make my butt look amazing."
- "You're going to have to manscape Enrique to make your butt look amazing."
"I don't have any junk to grab, so I'll just grab yours instead."
"Snow in Jersey is like ashes in Auschwitz."
"You're a miracle baby that poops cucumbers... and you're cute and stuff. And you're (Shink)'s kid."
"You have to squish the grapes to fuck (Shink)."
"God, why is my mouth retarded?"
"If you put helium in a girl's vagina, does she queef in a high pitch?"
"Have you seen the anal part yet?"
"Do you not masturbate?"
- A day later - "I totally masturbate, but that's not enough for me."
"I'm kind of addicted to his cock."
"Small things + baby = bad"
"Tell her to cross her legs and hold it."
"Your face never looked like that before!"
"We determined this evening that he's a complete submissive." - Shink
- "No, that's only with you." - Trips
"He's already got dentures- diaper rash is on the way!"
"I can feel your throat muscles on my foot."
"You don't want a no-neck popping out of your cooch?"
"No, Jess, I'm full of fat and (Trips)'s diseased."
"I've already been through the initiation. I've slept with her in that bed."
"I hate it when ghost dust gets in my air filter."
"Oh, man, shit, I killed a lady!"
"She's vibrating beneath me!"
"You could have luck, but this Valley is full of fail."
"$19,000!? That's a lot of fucking blow!"
"Math will not get you into my pants."
"You like my pussy there, (Trips)?... Actually, he's been petting (Batman)'s pussy- mine's the orange one."
"My pussy came out to play. I can't help it - it's so easy."
"I like anything related to my nuts."
"Do her in the ass, cum on her tits, and see her naked, and I'll be good to go."
- "Dirty, sloppy, and necessary!"
"Are you having to double finger that bitch?"
"Unless you can shoot it and lick it at the same time..."
"I'd rather cuddle than spread hummus."
"Bitch, I'll duck hunt you."
"The demon is bisexual, but (Freight Train) is not."
"We're not going to Hungryman if we have a (Kayrin)."
"I got 99 units but a bitch ain't one!"
"Don't mess with me, I'm on Mars. I'm heavy!"
"I know it's not just a clock, it's sentimental, but I'm a person."
"I sleep because I smoke smack."
"Justice for your monkey."
"I = Threat to Homeboy"
"I am the butt plug in your foreplay."
"You're my pimp. *straight face*"
"Why am I the Brain?"
- "Because you're smart... and I'm not really all that retarded."
"I thought my cat was a chocolate rabbit."
"I want to feel a hip, not slugs."
"Why am I the Slut Town?"
"I can't even masturbate- I only have one eye!"
"If I had a large mass of myself around myself, I'd be making jokes, too."
"He's not like a lumberjack- he's the lumber, covered with moss."
"While you're down there, could you hand me my pants?"
"There's no safety word in bubblewrap."
"Them's the jams."
"(Trips)'s a bitch, but not the female kind."
"Just do me in the butt and don't call me."
"If you lick my carpet, you'll get a high."
"After he had his dick in my ass, things change."
"Honey, I'd bend you over any day."
"Hard, coarse material on top of soft, thriving cock."
"If you fart, do you blow a cum bubble?"
"It was a doggy style sense of fun."
"If I wanted hand-cock action, I would have just jerked off."
"Do you understand what I was trying to do in your ear last night?"
"I can do it but not with my tongue."
"You don't want to catch the baby when you're taking a bath."
"Once you had your finger in my ass, I think I have some rights."
"It's time for your ass." - Jess
- "I just want food." - Caterpillar
- "In your ass?" - Shink
- "They still have bananas at Wawa for 39 cents?" - Jess
"You had zebra panties on, I remember it!"
"The world is my cum dumpster."
"Me sitting on your dick is not the same as me sitting on your face."
"I was trying to figure out what was tickling my ass."
"He sounds like a giant bag of douche."
"Keep your knees away from my head unit."
"Penises don't have eyes!"
"I do have sexy eyes- they're my nipples!"
"If she were to go cliff-diving and she had to hold onto a rope with her legs, she'd be dead."
"As long as she can Kegel, I don't care."
"[At CCC] With a major in Screw You the Fuck Over with a minor in Bitch."
"I think the balls will enlighten his eyes."
"When I puke, I masturbate. When he puked, he died!"
"They're going to have ecstasy sock sex and fly through the trees."
Trips to Jess in sexy vamp voice- "I like your boobies!"
"It's like the labia of my mouth."
"If you don't move your head, I'll elbow you when I jerk off."
"But you're strange! Because you have very tiny legs... and arms."
"After a couple of beers, we'll be playing with each other's body parts."
"I would like gunpowder, not this sneaky non-burning shit."
"I wish I could eat you, but I can't."
"I was trying to read an article about G.W., but it wouldn't let me stop pooping."
"Put your hand here. Come with me."
"Put sheets on it so you don't get any (Trips) in you."
"Why are girls so weird about giving head?"
"It's not you. It's the couch."
"Honey, would you mind if I took off my pants?"
"That's protection mode... ass up!"
"It's hiv to be square."
"I don't know where my hands are, but they are in trouble."
"I don't think I want my crap f'ed up."
"When you are drunk, it's kinda hard to remember what first base is. You just go to third."
"I'm always prepared when I get on top of you."
"I'm not saying, 'Let's make love.' I'm saying, 'Let's fuck!'"
"I expect an invite to that wedding if they need a flower monster or ring eater."
"You put it so far down my throat. It's amazing!"
"Shit, that's a corn nut!"
"I can't. I already have a nut in my mouth."
"In my mouth, it's awesome in here."
"I can't arrange my ass until you do yours."
"She's doing her clit thing on my knee."
"I think I touched my tailbone to my dick."
"Ass up, fingers down, that's the way... I play Twister."

livequotes @ 2009-12-15T19:37:00

2009-12-16T02:37:19Z

Yvette: Sweet. I just locked my keys in my car that's running. I love wasting gas.

Me: You can make a slim jim out of a metal ruler.

Yvette: A slim jim? As in the jerky treat?

Remington: Yeah, that's the one. or, more appropriately, a tool used by locksmiths and entrepreneurs to break into locked cars.

Yvette: OH. I just pictured myself shoving jerky into my key hole.

Remington: I'm not touching that one.

Let's hear it for avoiding a massive faux pas!

2009-12-11T21:05:21Z

(But I hope you'll understand if my post is MQ-formatted.)

saoba and grillghod have been dealing with a burst pipe on their property, and the [REDACTED] tenants responsible for same.

Me: He says he doesn't understand what happened. He even left the hose hooked up. Gah!

GG: Yeah, I heard that. I'm sorry you had such a crappy day. (pause) Sweetie? When did you eat last?

Me: Lunch. I was going to get a shower and eat before I left for dress and then-

GG: Yeah. Listen, you go take a shower and then we'll go get you something to eat, okay?

Me: (Gives him an enquiring look, having noticed he is using his 'someone here is a ticking bomb' voice)

GG: It's just as I was coming back in I saw the hammer and the bayonet in the laundry room.

Me: I had to pry things up and pull things open. It's a perfectly reasonable tool set for the situation I was facing.

GG: I'm not disagreeing, I'm just saying any day that involves needing a hammer and a bayonet is a day that should end in someone buying you dinner.

Oh the context outside is frightful....

...wow...

2009-12-04T04:39:18Z

bextcoll: Her vagina's a Hufflepuff. It's a good finder.

Roommates again

2009-12-02T03:42:25Z

Alex: "I still want one of the guys from Muse to do something douchey to me personally just so I can make a blog post titled 'Supermassive Asshole'."

Erin: "On the fourteenth day, God was still stoned. On the twenty-seventh day, God woke up, looked around, said 'Where the Hell am I?' and put his pants back on."

Alex: "I forgot my beer! You can't drink beer without beer! ...That is easily within the top ten stupidest things I've said today."

Things said by people I know

2009-10-22T11:23:19Z

Erin: "I just wanna make sure it's not full of AIDS before I try it on."

Erin: "Okay, that was a problem, but I solved it."
Alex: "Now check out the hook while my DJ revolves it?"

Me: "I still haven't seen Speed Racer."
Alex: "Have you ever looked directly into a strobelight?"
Me: "...Yes."
Alex: "Then you've seen Speed Racer."

Heard while in the backseat of a car

2009-10-16T02:31:56Z

-driver is handed a quarter in change from the lady at the toll bridge booth-
Girl 1: You know, strippers stack up quarters and pick them up with their vaginas. So that quarter could have been in a vagina at some point.
driver: Um... -throws quarter into girl's lap- You can keep it.
Girl 2: Where did you hear that? Google?
Girl 1: No! I haven't been googleing 'vagina quarters'! It came to me in a dream. See, in my dream, I was a quarter, and the vagina was coming for me. But since I was a quarter and therefore had no legs, I couldn't move! I could only sit there and scream in terror as the vagina bore down on me...
Girl 2: Were there other...quarter refugees in this dream?
Girl 1: -sniffles sadly- No, no. I was all alone.

Angry Young Man

2009-09-02T20:14:16Z

Neighbor's kid coming down the stairs from his porch, calling back over his shoulder.

"You may take my cotton, but you'll never take.. [dramatic pause] ..my pride!"

The last two words spoken in a theatrically dramatic voice with a touch of him trying not to laugh at said theatrical drama.

Overheard at Walmart

2009-04-03T02:40:11Z

Little boy "Hey mom! I found it!!"
Mom "could you beany louder?"
Little boy "YES I CAN!!!"

at the ARC thrift store!

2009-03-28T04:50:18Z

"HEY! Suzie*! How are you? I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on!!" - One random woman to another

*Suzie used to protect privacy and because I can't remember the name she actually used.

livequotes @ 2009-03-23T22:38:00

2009-03-24T04:04:05Z

"Whores, donkeys, and virgins. What a class." - Madison

"I loved her before I even dated him." - Middle-Aged Man at IHOP

"He's sort of like Voldemort. Except he rapes things." - bextcoll

"Some people are happy when they say, 'I'm going to kill you.'" - Mr. Watson
"That's not a culture; that's a problem." - Sirena

"The business of America is business." - Thomas
"Redundancy is redundant." - Justin C.

"Add or subtract, it doesn't matter what you do there." - slasher_chick
"Don't give me that sort of power!" - bextcoll

"Do you want a fried ice cream?" - Mom
"No." - slasher_chick
"Wanna share one?" - Mom
"Not really." - slasher_chick
"*to waiter* Can we get a fried ice cream please?" - Mom

"I'll give you a choice. Kentucky plays in about two or three minutes and we can watch it. If we don't do that, we're going to learn polynomial division. Weigh your options carefully." - Mr. Madding

"I don't like being compared to baby shit." - Tanner

"*trying to help us sing* It's like you're sticking a pin in a donkey." - Mr. Hein

"My soul just up and ran away one day. It's hard to keep up with that son of a bitch." - bextcoll

"We're talking about cleavage everywhere. Just pouring out." - Ashlyn

"He's not like Matt. He can't take several beatings from a chair." - Sims
"...I like that compliment. Thank you." - Matt

"Yeah, well I didn't know he was my cousin until last night." - Girl in the Hall (*sigh* Only in Kentucky.)

"I love him. I just want to make butt sex to him." - Josh

"And by scepter, I mean donkey penis." - Gayle

"I'm a cow seat." - bextcoll

"I MAKE MILK!!!" - Dustin

"Britney Spears is Snarry personified. Yeah, it's that mess up. Snarry shaves its head." - bextcoll

"Edward is so hot he melts your Pocky." - bextcoll

"He looks a little jaundiced." - Dad
"That's because he's an asshole." - Mom

This place is dead! T_T

2009-03-09T19:40:49Z

New quote book because I've lost yet another one.

"I need really big man parts here." - Mr. Hein

"Damn scapula. I quit." - Claudia

"My hounds from Hell turned into chihuahuas." - Mr. Madding

"It's good that the sopranos are putting out." - Mr. Hein

"He's shaking. You broke him!" - Kara

"She found my right ovary in like 2 seconds. Twenty minutes later she's still looking for the left one, which is playing a rousing game of 'Hide and Go Fuck Yourself, I'm Not Showing Up on That Screen.'" - Claudia

"There's a polygamist who lives in Murray." - Chelsea
"Great, it's spreading." - Adam J

"Girls, guess what you are better at." - Mr. Watson
"Everything." - Chelsea and Madison

"God giveth and God taketh away. Of course, that's what the rednecks did. They pissed God off and He was like, 'I'm taking the reading!'" - Josh

"Can you show us how you cut yours?" - Girl #1
"If you help us find our vagina." - Girl #2

"You weigh less than the freshman do, and they're like 3'2"." - Sabrina

"Why can women have two orgasms?" - Adam J
"'Cause we're awesome. Obviously." - Claudia

"Thomas, you're just making it really fruity over here." - Sabrina

"You're not as skanky as last year's class." - Mr. Watson

"Cody, I swear, if you close that window I'm going to rip your arms off and mail them to your family." - Ms. Millikan

"You can kill a hooker and get your money back. I do that every time." - Tyler R

"No matter how much you like your son or daughter's boyfriend..." - Mr. Watson

"Everybody in our class is either dead or pregnant." -bextcoll

"Don't let your mouth shapes get shallow. And what I mean by shallow is 'not deep.'" - Mr. Hein

"Pay is not your only motivation." - Mr. Watson
"But it is shiny." - bextcoll

"You must obey the Pop Tart." - Girl

"I don't like gaining weight. It makes me feel fat." - Dustin

"Pepper can't be white, 'cause then he'd be Salt." -bextcoll

"Dude, if you could do anything, would you wear pants?" - Claudia

"Beat me and I'll love you forever!" - Thomas

"He was on top of you?" - Guy #1
"I was under him." - Guy #2
"Was it a bunk bed?" - Guy #1
"No, it was a normal bed." - Guy #2

"My butt is wet and I expect you to dry it." - Cort

livequotes @ 2009-02-04T13:56:00

2009-02-04T18:57:24Z

Mom: Well, I used to go to Catholic school. Had to wear the pleated skirts and everything.
Me: Are nuns scary?
Mom: As all hell. Everything you've heard about nuns is true.

Alarm Systems

2009-01-19T03:03:08Z

my uncle bought this crap box of a car from an old car dealership for $100, and my aunt was looking at it::

Aunt: It doesn't have an alarm system?
Uncle: Well, it actually has one of the best ones around.
Aunt: ...What?
Uncle: *chuckles* ...nobody wants it.

livequotes @ 2009-01-13T00:34:00

2009-01-13T07:02:50Z

"Energizing bathroom? Yes! I will shower with vigor!" - Thomas W

"Is it like, a cross between a Furby and a monkey?" - Boy

"Is this what I look like without skin?" - Same Boy

"Yeah, he died of Spanish Influenza. In my pants." - bextcoll

"Oh, goddammit Beatles, why are you dead and why are you not writing songs about me?" - Claudia

"Are you trying to boost our spirits or make us hibernate?" - Claudia

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stick a needle in your face and inject you with pus." - Tommy

"That makes me want to knit scarves. And by knit, I mean punch. And by scarves, I mean babies." - Tyler T

"Flowers came out of my dick!" - Idiotic Freshman

"If I work hard enough, I'll either get over it or I'll die." - bextcoll

"She slung that. Like a dead baby." - bextcoll

"Every once in a while you have an off night. And by 'off night', I mean five people devoted to you dying while you're playing with a ball." - bextcoll

"What's invisible and rapes at the same time? And the answer is not Harry Potter. It might be Ron Weasley, though." - bextcoll

"Well, you're married to a rat." - Joey
"You're married to a rat." - Nathaniel
"No, I'm engaged." - Joey

"*as Batman* I ate all the gravel in my driveway for breakfast. Do not try to defeat me." - Claudia

"Morgan Freeman is amazing, though." - Shannon
"I want to touch him." - Claudia

"I have a strange obsession with buttholes." - Claudia

"Give it back, you black and half-white child." - Claudia

"Oh my God! I have a black bogey on me!" - Claudia

"It' not funny." - Matt
"Then why are you smiling?" - Claudia
"To keep from laughing." - Matt

"I don't want to be a faggoter." - Claudia

"If that did not reach you or touch you, either a: you weren't paying attention, or b: you have no soul." - Mr. Hein

"Do you have a coin?" - Tanner
"I have a leg." - TJ

"I think so, but I have no idea what he's doing, unless he's beating random, unsuspecting people with his golf club." - Sabrina

"Can I go to the bathroom? It's an emergency." - Girl
"You know what's an emergency? Getting shot in the stomach." - Mr. Madding

"Use your skeletal system; that's why God gave it to you." - Mr. Hein

"Be manly men. Don't give me fairies; give me strength." - Mr. Hein

"I can see the hair growing on your chests. They're almost as hairy as the altos'." - Mr. Hein

"We played Cinderella for a while, but then I told her to put her pants on and that put an end to that." - bextcoll

"Forking: Kind of like spooning, but pointier." - bextcoll

"If your long-term memory was this roll of toilet paper, how big would it be?" - Mr. Watson
"Industrial size! Like, Sam's warehouse." - Thomas W

"That's what this kid was wearing the other day. Actually, it was last year." - Mr. Watson

"This is kind of a formula you can use. Except it isn't a formula, because I just made it up ten minutes ago." - Mr. Madding

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the crazy train!" - Mr. Madding

"Okay, let me answer that question in a minute. Because you hurt my heart." - Mr. Madding

Crazy friends are crazy.

2008-12-29T02:15:36Z

''My rabbit thinks it's a dinosaur. It stood up on it's back legs and said RRAAWGH. And then it sat back down again. And sneezed.''

''You know what!? A woman came up to me today and asked if I was having a baby! I KNEW I shouldn't have eaten that packet of Monster Munch....''

''You should go in the wigwam. We went in the wigwam. It felt so wrong, but it was really fun!''

''He had his skirt up my hand! No, he had my hand up his skirt! I had my skirt up his hand! No wait, HE had his skirt up.. I had my hand up..He had his hand.. *confused drunk mumblings* Uugh you know what I MEAN *passes out* "

''I'm so confused! I just walked past the chicken hut and heard beeping, and thought 'Oh, there must be a polecat..' I mean, what?? Since when do they beep?''

*asleep* ''But there's no REASON why an elephant should be bigger than a possum....''

''Store in a cool dry place.. But what if I dont WANT to store it in a cool dry place, I like it HOT and WET!"

''But how come clouds float, if they're all full up with rain? Is it because they're above where the gravity is?''

Miss Mills: *gestures towards boxes* ''These things are always getting in my way... I keep asking the men to come and remove them..''
Cat: *whispers* ''..Why do I imagine she's talking about her breasts?!''

'Did you know that there was a massive riot outside the london ikea when they marked everything down to half price? People DIED. People were abandoning their cars and runnig to get ahold of those half price curtain poles'

'THERE'S NOTHING MORE DANGEROUS THAN A GREASED SCOTSMAN'

[Q: 'how do you know which end of a worm is it's head?']
Zoe: ''Well that's EASY, you just have to tickle it and see which end wiggles!''

''WAW that seagull just made a really weird noise..''
''..Dude, that's my cat.''
''Oh..''

''Just blow it, and never mind the food poisoning..''
</div></div>

Heartfelt Holidays

2008-12-24T21:52:25Z

Scene: Man on cell phone

Man: Yeah, I still have to get some lottery tickets, hair bands, just some more of that BS for her stocking

livequotes @ 2008-12-18T13:53:00

2008-12-18T19:04:22Z

Angie: "I'm hungry."
Me: "What do you want to eat?"
Angie: "The flesh of my enemies."
Me: "You want to eat Chinese?"

A classmate is showing off a picture of her daughter's first black eye.
Me: "What happened?"
Her: "She hit someone, and they hit her back. *proudly* That's my girl."

Different classmate (male): "Men are just big dogs that talk!"

Meesha: "I'm coming I'm coming!"
Me: "You're not coming fast enough!"

The Middle East Class
Teacher: "And here we can see they've built near the foothill of the mountains-"
Student: "What are they called?"
Teacher: "*pause* I'm not sure what you mean."
Student: "The brick and mud buildings."
Teacher: "... houses. "

Co-worker on why she's not a successful carpooler:
"I know why I can't ride anywhere! It's because I have commitment issues! I can't sit idly in the passenger seat because I can't commit to the driver!"

A bunch of miscellaneous quotes:

"We're Southern Baptists - we're always preparing for the apocalypse."

"It's a vagina, not a crystal ball!"

"Man, I'm so hung over and I've got a cold. Wanna make out?"

Part III

2008-12-13T02:50:45Z

"You'd better stop contemplating and start writing, because I don't want to have to kill you." - Cornwell

Last part.

"When I open my eyes, I see sleep." - bextcoll

"I bet your wife doesn't like to kiss you now." - Tabitha
"She never did." - Mr. Madding

"My paper will ache." - bextcoll

"If that pregnant dude has a vagina, so do I." - bextcoll

"What's the color of a hole?" - Shannon
"Throbbing man muscle." - bextcoll

"Do it or I'm doing a line of cocaine off your boobs." - Claudia

"That's just a bucket full of dumb." - Claudia

"If I die, there'd better not be pictures on Facebook the next day." - Sabrina

"I think my boyfriend's a porn star, but it's for Wookies-R-Us." - Claudia

"I can dance. 'Cuz I'm a... velociraptor!" - bextcoll

"I'm the one with the master's in English!" - Mrs. Cornwell
"No, you're not." - Erick

"How do you say 'merci'?" - Rainie

"Can I hold a meat cleaver to your throat?" - Shannon
"Yes. If by meat cleaver, you mean breasts." - Devan

"Jessica, you arm-haired my ball!" - bextcoll

"Rosalie would look great even if she was brutally gang-raped." - bextcoll
"She was." - Shannon
"And she did." - bextcoll
"We are officially awful." - Shannon
"We weren't before?" - bextcoll

"Dolly Parton with a Madonna bra." - Thomas W
"That would be pointy... death." - Justin

"Priests don't have specific dances, but different races do." - Thomas W

"You shouldn't have let me play this game, because now I'm having sex with it." - Claudia

"It's like, the Jesus bell." - Thomas W

"I used to have a teacher who illegally raised wolves." - Mr. Madding
"Why would she tell you that?" - Rebecca A
"She didn't. It was on the news." - Mr. Madding

"What you do is you go to Mr. Summerville and ask him if you're right. If he says yes, tell him he's an idiot." - Mr. Madding

"Don't write it on your desk, because I will come around and take your desk." - Mr. Madding

"It takes a special kind of stupid to run 26.2 miles." - Mrs. Cornwell

"Why did you say that if we aren't going to do it?" - Hicks
"I just wanted to clarify what you wanted so I could shoot it down completely." - Mrs. Cornwell

"Do you call me the b-word behind my back? Because I would totally understand." - Mrs. Cornwell

"I like turtles. Is that a problem?" - Erick
"Well, it depends on what you mean by 'like'." - Mrs. Cornwell

"I'm going to move my goober from side to side." - Thomas W
"I wouldn't say that out loud." - Claudia

"Well, I've got the castle of the dark Elf king, Mahatma Gandhi. He lives in the fourth dimension, on the second star to the right and straight on 'til morning." - Claudia

"There's a lot of people in this school that don't do the right thing, and it makes those of us who do very, very sad." - Mr. Watson

"I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm right up there next to it." - Mr. Madding

"I didn't think journals died. I thought it was just humans, dogs, and Edward's soul." - bextcoll

Part II

2008-12-13T02:30:43Z

"I think my mom wants me to be a hyper crack baby." - Claudia

More quotes!

"I guess I'm just running on adrenaline." - Mr. Hein
"Adrenaline from what?" - TJ
"...Water." - Mr. Hein

"I can stop the beat! I can stop the beat!" - Mr. Hein

"Be excited. You just saw a virgin give birth." - Mr. Hein

"His armpits smell delicious! Like, I could eat out of his armpits!" - Claudia

"Don't play lovey-dovey when you have to pee." - Claudia

"You guys are some amazing thing." - Mr. Hein

"He looked like Charlie Brown about to go kick baby butts." - bextcoll

"Quit looking at my crotchal region." - Claudia

"Only certain people can talk about my underwear in public." - Claudia

"This is Jesus songs!" - Mr. Hein

"I think Voldemort would be happy ruling the moon." - bextcoll

"You're a thespian? I thought you were a freshman." - Some Boy

"That's what happens when you're gay. Palin eats you." - bextcoll

"Her tongue is the same color as his head!" - Claudia

"What words would you use to describe this tune? [What Child Is This?]" - Mr. Hein
"It's kind of fluffy." - Kara

"This song is full of pizza." - Claudia

"Let's be some kings and camels." - Mr. Hein

"That's what happens when you wear Aeropostale. You do cocaine." - Sabrina

"Do you know what you're having yet?" - Student
"It's a baby." - Mr. Madding

"JJ's just your all-American gay boy." - bextcoll

"I'm with you there. They're canon and screwing up a storm." - bextcoll

"What's the curvature of the Earth?" - Mr. Watson
"Round." - Adam J

"*answers phone in class* Yes dear? We're trying to get screwed? I told you I'd take care of it." - Mr. Watson

"I think I just got grounded by chocolate." - Sirena

"If y'all get blood out of me, I'd better get some Little Debbies." - Mr. Watson

"You pass out on me and I'm kicking you in the floor." - Red Cross Person taking blood

"Did you give blood?" - Student
"No, I've shared a needle with someone from Africa since 1977." - Mr. Madding

"How would you describe boys?" - Ms. Millikan
"Sluts!" - Hayden
"I'm not looking for sluts. How else would you describe them?" - Ms. Millikan
"Hos!" - Cort

"We've never done anything fun!" - Student
"Never?" - Mr. Madding
"No!" - Student
"But we just got done talking about translations!" - Mr. Madding

"Sounds like your mom should beat you." - Mr. Madding

"Why can't I play with the dog?" - Little Boy
"Because he'll bite your fingers off and you won't have fingers to play with him." - Boy's Mother

"Can I borrow a pen? I left mine in my locker because my life is worthless." - Hanna

"I don't care if you miss every note and sound like bananas coming out of a monkey's butt." - Mr. Hein

"I'm gonna shave you. I'm gonna shave you like a yak." - Mr. Hein

"Whether or not I'm reading Shakespeare, I'm still sexy." - Erick

"What's wrong with you?" - Girl
"You know that virus on I Am Legend? It's kinda like that." - Nate

"Can you do this on a calculator?" - Whitney
"No, of course not." - Mr. Madding
"Are you lying?" - Whitney
"Probably." - Mr. Madding

So... It's Been A While

2008-12-13T01:47:58Z

"You know Mr. Leonard and I have slept together, right?" - Mr. Watson

These go back to August, so I'm making a few separate posts for them.

"If he doesn't play me on senior night, I'm gonna whap 'im! I don't care if I'll have to jump to do it, tall bastard." - bextcoll

"Do not use Curious George and sex in the same sentence." - Thomas W

"He calls his mom because he missed his bus, but she doesn't care 'cuz she's a lesbo." - bextcoll

"You can all be my little sausages." - Mr. Hein

"As if you're a polite British person inviting the Lord to tea." - Mr. Hein

"Sopranos, you need to be louder. Even if the altos start reproducing and create more altos. Then they'd bite people and make them join the alto clan. *pause, shakes head* I've been reading Twilight too much." - Mr. Hein

"I think I'd be better suited as a mistress than a girlfriend." - Mom

"Larry Flint's hustler club. That's where I'm getting my next job." - Mom

"We're both really white. Therefore, we are made for each other." - bextcoll

"I wanna be a gay altar boy." - bextcoll

"If you die, there won't be a homosexual in pew three." - bextcoll

"I steal everything I do." - Mr. Hein

"I would never put a puppy in a deep-fryer." - Mr. Hein

"*teaching*...ejaculation." - Mr. Watson
"What's that?" - Boy
"You did say you would answer any question." - Sabrina

"You thought it was cancerous?" - Chelsea
"No, my doctor did. She loves cutting." - Mr. Watson

*on Christian Bale's Batman voice* "It's like he just got done deep-throating Robin." - Josh

"I'm having problems in my areas." - Mr. Watson

"Jesus loves everybody, but he's not afraid to slap a bitch." - bextcoll

"I get so excited when someone like him remembers what I taught them. Then I think, 'When are they going to use this?' and I'm not excited anymore." - Mrs. Cornwell

"I'm sorry, but I was having crotch-leg." - Thomas W

"I knew Claudia's mom within the first week of school. In the biblical sense." - Mr. Hein

"When fucking a dead person isn't necrophilia, you know something's wrong." - bextcoll

"You know how much I've sold? 238 boxes. And by 238, I mean seven." - Thomas W

"It's not a penis! It's a pickle!" - Amber

"What are they?" - bextcoll
"Oreo Delicious Sex Cookies." - Claudia

"I have a crush on the girl, I'm sorry. She does things to me no one else ever has." - Erick
"*staring*" - Class
"I meant emotionally." - Erick

"So you play with your rod and the end curves. Then you talk on the phone and no one talks back? I think you're crazy." - Hicks

"Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. She looks like a man, but doesn't have a penis." - Thomas W

"When guys get on the computer they...?" - Mr. Watson
"Look at porn!" - Several Students
"No, they play video games. And then they look at porn." - Mr. Watson

"They're blue and they smell like death." - Claudia

"God doesn't love me or my vagina." - bextcoll

"She ran into my vagina. She ran into my vagina ten times." - Claudia

Hi! I'm new and inappropriate.

2008-10-06T19:20:31Z

A boy walking out of his classroom wiping his hands on his pants: "OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAME ON MY HANDS!"

We're classy here.