The tumbleweed is my spirit animal

things.

2026-05-27T02:16:40Z

+ we went from 0 to 90 in four days, it feels like; the weather is amazing which has caused me to want to do it all! kayakingfishinggardeningpottering — tis the season. :)

yesterday we had a lovely time at the lake. we kayaked and just hung out — it was positively PERFECT. there are so many lakes around here that just going different places is an adventure. we took fishing stuff, but there were a few people there splashing about and the time of day was off for the fishes.

hopefully this week we can get more water time. fingers crossed!

+ our leaving neighbors gifted us with two bicycles which are perfect for the kid and i. the one for kid is a REALLY nice casual road bike; it's cute and utterly vintage. mine is a mid-range mtn bike, which will work just fine for me. both have been hanging for years, so they'll need a tune-up at some point, but today we took them in to get new tires for her bike and a new inner tube for mine.

i could service and fix most bike things, thanks to dickhead (the long ago ex who is still my arch nemesis). he raced mountain bikes and i pretended i was going to race mountain bikes, and along the way i had to learn how to do stupid bike shit.

why didn't i? mostly because i didn't want to. but now that i know how much we'll have to pay for both bikes (close to $100), i am thinking that i should do it and use the money we save for ceramic glaze. :)

anyway, we have bikes finally! yay!

+ i start my five day course of radiation tomorrow. :( i'm not worried in the traditional sense, i'm just afraid that the brain fog and fatigue will hit even harder. i'm doing all i can to combat it, but maybe this is about being patient (stupid) and allowing for healing instead of trying to force myself into being at 100%

on the 3rd of june, i have a consultation with the doctor who wants to tell me why i want to get on an estrogen blocker. i am already 99% against that for a variety of reasons (the type of cancer i had makes that feel like overkill, i don't have that much estrogen anyway, and it will make my vajayjay and skin dry AND might make me gain weight. and hot flashes? nooooo.)

i just hit my damn "balance weight" (ha!) and the idea of seeing that go up makes me make all sorts of mean faces. >.<

+ i'm using this photo as my summer before. let's see how much i can compact my body after an intensive few months of pretending i'm an athlete. this photo is me at my worst-posture and lumpy angle, but goddamnit donut, i'm a sliver of my old self. double the me in the photo and that was me.

literally.

<3

2026-05-19T01:05:34Z

from spikesgirl58:

Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? Was it deserved?

Yes, and yes. The REAL question should be have you ever gotten OUT of a speeding ticket — and that's a multiple time YES. =D So far, my score is 1 ticket, 15 warnings.

I also want to say that the fact I have ONE ticket sort of pisses me off. It messed up my track record.

Have you ever gotten drunk in public?

Where else would you get drunk? *suspicious look*

Have you ever gone wading in a public fountain or something equally crazy?

I danced with a date in a fountain. :) It was in public and yes, I was tipsy. =D

sugar how'd you get so fly?

2026-05-18T01:35:34Z

~ friends came up from the twin cities for the weekend and even though i was full-on brain fogged, we had a good time. mostly we porch sat and enjoyed the weather and the company; there was food involved, of course, and the highlight was homemade tortillas. =D i made almost 2 dozen — and one almost puffed like it was supposed to!

i was able to unload some pottery on them, so that was a great feeling. :)

seriously, it's getting to the point we have too many THINGS that we've made. i'm tempted to put them out in the wild for anyone that wants them. lol

~ tomorrow i'm starting the couch to 5K program — the goal is to mostly run a 5K for my birthday in september. additionally, i want to do the whistlestop 5K in ashland, wi, since our pottery studio is working with a local hunger-fighter/community-building organization to feed people on that weekend. basically, we'll donate unique bowls and stone soup will use them to feed racers/others....for $25, they get a fancy bowl, soup, and knowledge that they are supporting a great organization.

kid says she's going to do it with me, so we'll see if she's up to getting up a little early to train. YEP, "TRAIN." at least that's what i'm going to call it.

tomorrow is pretty full — after morning chores and training (TRAINING), we skedaddle to the hospital so i can get my body mould made for the radiation treatments.

this week is about stupid appointments and fun times with the horses/art. it's all about balance, i guess.

~ what else? nothing, i guess. i think i like it that way. :)

My Favorite Mistake

2026-05-09T23:40:17Z

Don't make fun of my accent and/or voice. :)

oh, my lovelies

2026-04-10T20:37:33Z

+ we just found out next door neighbors sold their house and are moving mid may. i may or may not have burst into tears because i am feeling like the universe is just dicking with me now and i'm being bullied to the point i need to call hr and report full on harassment.

vicky is a master gardener and has been so wonderful to be around. she looks like the SWEETEST woman around, but apparently she's got a streak in her; my favorite story so far is how she got pissed at a muskrat that kept coming up out of their pond to steal her vegetables and she murdered it — first, accidentally, with a thrown stick then with a concrete block.

o.O

plus, she and her husband ed were BIKERS for fucks sake! the stories, the stories, the stories.

they have been such amazing neighbors and will be missed.

there is a small silver lining that may or may not play out: they're selling both tractors, their UTV, and a side by side. there's NO WAY we could afford things outright, but dammit — the price he'd be giving us makes it something we should try to do.

wasn't i over here talking about debt the other day? yeah. yeah i was.

they've already given us all their fishing stuff (6 poles, 6 tackleboxes) and a bunch of tools for mister.

i'd rather have THEM here, though. srsly. :(

+ my meeting with our (mister/me) therapist went really well and i THINK we may have found a much better way to get some medications that might help with nonsense-brain. she said everything, every symptom i'm talking about that's been around forever, points in neon to ADHD.

which means i need some ritalin to help my focus and get some of my super secret to-do list done before i die.

+ speaking of stupid brain, i'm voluntarily banning myself from driving for a few more weeks; monday kid and i went to the studio and driving home was pretty fuzzy in the head.

i probably should have not driven, but we had to get home. o.O it wasn't so bad that i was truly impaired, but it took so much concentration and focus not to just get hypnotized by the road that i was pooped and headachy when i got home.

yesterday mister took us to the studio and that was much better, although i inadvertently hurt myself while picking up a bag of fresh clay. ugh. i just forget i'm supposed to have LIMITS and just go back to what feels normal.

BAD idea, girl. B A D idea.

+ i have some napa cabbage, mixed grains, and shabu-shabu covered with a chili crisp and soy/ginger/garlic sauce in aunti esther cooking upstairs. people really did come through with food, but it's time to get back to the foods i need/like for *my* wellbeing. while there were quite a few delicious healthy options, it wasn't what my body needed.

the breakdown at my weight for how i build out my food each day: 75g protein, 25g fiber, 50g net carbs, and getting in at least 2 full servings of veggies, although i TRY to shoot for all 4 servings each day being veg instead of <3 fruit <3.

well fuck. it's 3:37 and i haven't eaten anything. i should fix that. lol

boob salute

2026-04-01T01:30:31Z

yesterday went amazingly well, so yay on that. in fourteen days i have my follow-up and then the book on this trying time can be closed.

mister and kid have taken care of me to the point i'm feeling guilty, but i also appreciate it more than i can express.

i'm not too sore, which is good but also bad; the less discomfort there is, the more i convince myself that 6-8 weeks is for chumps — and 6-8 days is more what i'm going to do. ;)

still pretty disjointed in the mind, but i'm going to trust that my brain fog WILL fade in a few months. my primary doctor said this is (forgot what it's called — avoidance something or other) very common in situations like this and it takes up to six months after the stress event to fade.

someone needs to smudge me. :(

tuning out, tuning in

2026-03-10T20:23:56Z

^ this. woman. is. amazing.

hi.

did you know that there is a term (condition? response?) to stressors called "adjustment disorder"? basically it means that there are brand new behaviors and emotions that i'm experiencing because of the alien boob baby. (which, btw, they won't let me keep. RUDE.)

it's good to know that the huge vat of brain fog i'm swimming in AND the internalization that's swiftly happening are considered normal responses to this particular situation i find myself in.

i have surgery on the 30th of this month — mister's birthday. his present? me being cancer-free after the yoink? (we're going to do something for him before the surgery date — not sure what, but something) after meeting with the surgeon for pre-op STUFF, i'll be "recovering" for 6-8 weeks. during that time, there are like a MILLION things i can't do and there will be a weight-lifting restriction that's so low i SCOFF. scoff scoff scoff. but while *i* may be scoffing, mister is dead set and serious about me not fucking about afterward.

why would he even need to let me know this? because i have a history of doing too much, too soon after an illness or procedure. >.< on the one hand, this means i can't really help with cleaning the arena and pasture of a winter's worth of horse poo — and that's not necessarily a bad thing! on the other, it also means i can't do too much gardening or outdoor clean up, either. that IS a bad thing.

and horseback riding? not supposed to, but i'm gonna. :P kid can saddle/bridle me up and hopefully just walking around the arena will be OK — the only real worry i have about that is that getting off usually has me swinging a leg over and hopping down the two+ feet to the ground; any bouncing about is a NO for awhile, so there's that. i'd just dismount at the mounting block, but misty is not as still for that as she should be, so there's always a risk for something unexpected to happen.

shit, walking into the barn is basically taking that risk no matter what the inside of my boob is percolating.

mister's work is having everyone "play" with claude ai and i had him use it to generate a week of meal/snack plans that were high protein, very low carb, and added up to 1200 calories a day. it was GREAT! everything was simple, normal food so i sort of wish i'd have thought to do the first step of meal planning with an AI long ago, because after two years of being so active in the prep for healthy meals, i'm over it. OVER. IT.

over it. j'en ai marre. olen saanut tarpeeksi.

today i'm going to work on some project planning and list making and stuff. the one thing i want to make sure we get are tickets to see neil degrasse tyson speak in duluth. I LOVE ME SOME NEIL, EVEN THOUGH HE KILLED PLUTO.

ahem.

i'm all sorts of velma right now

2026-02-15T02:28:12Z

soooooo, i left my glasses at the studio this evening and i'm tired, mad that chocolate and tacos have calories, and squinty. if there are any unusual typing errors, forgive me.

also along the lines of "forgive me" — i KNOW i am not responding to your posts and comments to my posts that often right now, and i swear to all of you new and old people, i'll do better.

at some point.

probably soon.

then i'll have a nice stretch of mutual conversation and go right back to being scattery AF about responding. most likely right around the time i can go outside and gardenhorsechickendog around.

the biopsy.

tldr; stage 0 cancer of one of the slowest growth types there are that is not in contact with any happy tissue. prognosis, exceptional. like...super exceptional. this is the kind of cancer that some groups don't even CLASSIFY as cancer at the point mine is at. and it's small. which may not be a good thing if i want to get a boob job.

[see below about that part]

Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) within a fibroadenoma is an exceptionally rare, typically incidental finding, with an incidence of only 0.02–0.125%. (lori note: the numbers have been steadily increasing over the last 20 years due to better screening)

it shouldn't surprise anyone here that i'd find a way to get cancer, have it be rare, AND — thank you to the god that looks out for idiots, children, and drunks — have it be so utterly (udderly. ha.) a low key need-to-fix.

the doctor told me that in europe? in europe they most often don't treat it, they just watch it.

here in 'merica? i'm going to get it yoinked out by the roots.

this may mean, people, i can negotiate my way to getting ONE boob "reconstructed" (to look like it looked in college, kthx) and paid for by insurance and the other one paid for by us.

it'd be like a great boob job for 50% off!!!!!!

(silver lining, silver lining, silver linings....always looking for them)

in all seriousness, out of ALL the things the biopsy could have shown, this is the 2nd best. first best being that it's just a normal, benign and happy slug of a fibroadenoma.

i wonder if they'd let me keep what they yoink out? mallorys_camera?

i swear on all that's holy, i'd put it that little fucker in a jar with formaldehyde, glycerine, and mica powder, decorate the jar with black sooty spot monsters and stick it on the hutch during halloween.

imagine a blob of tissue swirling around in that and bumping the sides of the bottle. lol

in all other seriousness, i'm....scared? i think? no. not scared. maybe it's more about being frustrated that this is happening, that i have no control over it, that my body is betraying me, that i could die on the operating table without ever having done the million things i want to do in life, without staying around long enough to see my daughter grow all the way up, to see my husband achieve all sorts of secret achievements on the cow level (if you know, you know), to see my pony become an olympic superstar.

i may not see that last one unless i live to 100 and get a different horse, but let's not quibble over details.

i found allllll of this out yesterday afternoon and spent a bit of time processing it, researching it to make sure the doctor wasn't telling me stories, and just sitting with it for a while.

one of my go-tos when i get in a situation that is darkish is to make it even darker....with humor. i left my water downstairs and instead of getting it myself, i asked mister to....because i have cancer.

apparently that upset the daughter (gee, mom, i wonder why?) and i understand that and was stopping, but then mister and she both jumped my shit about it and someone said something about how did i think that made them feel (valid point!), but there was what i perceived as a self-righteous point of view which rubbed me the wrong way and i said, "how do you think it makes ME feel having to live with it?"

and i clutched my pearls and came down stairs. and cried.

because i have cancer and no one understands.

[lori side note: you are cordially invited to roll your eyes so far back inside your head you get a headache.]

here's the thing. i KNOW i shouldn't have said it in front of the girl — i apologized with my entire heart and brain — i didn't think that all the way through.

but laughing or adding humor to this is probably the only way i'll come out the other side without having frown lines. and girl, i don't want to pay NO MORE MONEYS getting any work done.

until i pay for my 50% off boob job.

AHEM.

i'm going to have to find a way to navigate this so that *i* remain mentally stable (e.g. saying "i have cancer" anytime i want to get out of doing something or wanting to pickle my little alien buddy in a jar to keep forever) while being exceptionally cognizant of my neuro-spicy husband and daughter's needs. should that be "husband's and daughter's"? no, the way i had it is right. right?

anyway.

i can do this.

things to write about tomorrow:

-reenacting the pottery scene in /ghost/ with the instructor tonight

— my tarot journal

— the fact spring is here finally! (and don't burst my bubble! it was 56 today. FIFTY SIX)

— fish biologists

— spiritual awakenings/the quickening?

— kids therapist saying i should be tested for all the neurospicinesses.

and now i go have a outshine bar. you know why? YOU KNOW WHY I GET TO HAVE AN OUTSHINE BAR EVEN THOUGH I AM ON A VERY STRICT EATING PLAN?????

i have cancer. :P

~~

2026-01-23T00:27:05Z

+ i have a dough of orange zest and cranberries going. new made-up recipe on my part, so who knows how it will go? i generally have decent luck with on-the-fly food things, but that's FOOD...baking is always a gamble, even when i have an actual recipe.

+ along side that, i made paneer and it's doing its drain thing before going in the fridge for an overnight bout of dehydration.

much to the child's chagrin.

i've made farmer's cheese before and the only difference i really see is that it takes more straining to get all the wet out. if anyone's made it before, tips and tricks are always appreciated.

+ yesterday i had my boobs squished (the INDIGNITY) and of course, there is a *spot* that they need to reimage. even though the nurse told me -- even before we started yesterday -- that call backs to get a better/diff image are frequent enough that if i got a call, not to worry, not to borrow trouble.

so guess what i'm going to do until the resquish happens? that's right, you geniuses...ima gonna worry and borrow trouble. IT IS WHAT I DO.

[seriously, not too worried about it, but if you can send out a bit of good energy for my boobs, i'd much appreciate it. lol]

on a GOOD note, i had lab work done yesterday along with the squishy nonsense and my thyroid level has stablized on my new dose. yay, team! i think that's why weight loss has picked up again, but i can't be 100% sure.

i mean, maybe it's the whole "get back to the basics" mentality i've been trying to hold on to for the last month, or maybe it's the FORCED activity i'm making myself do every day, or maybe it's a combination of everything -- but i'm now about 10 lbs from goal.

fuck yeah, jarome. *fist bump*

i'm close enough that i'm doing a reevaluation of the big picture to see if i want/need to go a little bit lower in weight OR if i want to try to hold steady on maintenance for awhile and work on some of the more physical things i want to achieve this year.

it's CRAZY that the brain shift toward maintenance vs. weight loss is happening -- the good kind of crazy, with twirling ribbons and fireworks. =D

~~

earlier today i knocked over the can of wood stain i was using and it made FAR less of a mess than it could have, so i'm chuffed about that.

not so chuff worthy? bitter cold for the next week.

>.<

can i have spring here already? i'm ready to garden, ride, play, fish, and BE OUTSIDE. in the sun. and the not cold.

*sigh*

fifty-seven days until spring. i can do this.

a little more time for the doom queen

2026-01-20T01:13:12Z

this photo is from many years ago — it's kid and her best cat ever, buddha.

today we thought b's vet visit was to send her back into the void, but the best pulled out another one of her nine lives and there's now a NEW plan on track for her. why this new plan wasn't implemented when we took her 2 months ago is beyond me, but hey....no complaining.

anyway, seems cat has arthritis and IBS, both apparently common in old lady cats. and probably old man cats, too. so now she has a monthly shot for her arthritis ($60) and has special food — one can a day at $3.25 per can.

for 30 days, she has a daily pill to help inflammation.

i won't begrudge a single penny that goes to make her comfortable and let us keep her as long as possible — we just need to adjust a few things to the budget to make it work. thankfully, it's nothing we can't easily handle...because having been there and done that for an animal, it just adds to the stress and difficulty of things.

so, yay! buddha and her fey child are in cahoots for awhile longer.

#buddha

everything i dream is real

2026-01-12T18:43:17Z

after a few false starts, my mindset is coming together to move on some of the challenges and experiments i've set for 2026.

/reading more/ is again at the top of my list, and while i may set a concrete goal to a year-long total, it will be small to make sure i'm not pushing quantity over quality. the first finished book of 2026 was /in the mouth of madness/ (sutter cane), which was a decent read with a few surprises along the way.

i'm currently reading /a gentleman in moscow/ (amor towles) and it's a MUCH slower read than i anticipated. i'm enjoying it tremendously — the language is lovely and makes me linger — but i keep waiting for more to happen. even if the external action is a bit slow, the inner world keeps me engaged. plus, there are gems like this:

"But when the Count opened the small wooden drawer of the grinder, the world and all it contained were transformed by that envy of the alchemists—the aroma of freshly ground coffee.

In that instant, darkness was separated from light, the waters from the lands, and the heavens from the earth. The trees bore fruit and the woods rustled with the movement of birds and beasts and all manner of creeping things."

today and tomorrow are pretty quiet days, so i'm hoping to get some cleaning done, bread made, and writing down on paper. i was thinking about tackling the kitchen for a full reorganization and declutter, but i'd more than today and tomorrow for that task, so i'll backburner it until....later.

stay shiny, people. xo

feeling better; doing things

2026-01-08T19:21:43Z

+ y'all are the best for chiming in and sending love after THE INCIDENT (which is what i'm now calling it). thank you! i'm doing much better, but my head still feels like i clocked it pretty hard.

that's ok. i'm hard headed for a reason. =D

hopefully i can get in for a massage sooner rather than later. i'd just book one for tomorrow, but i'm TRYING to scale back this month on frivolous money because there are a few big expenses that are looming:

looming expense #1: $600 for my 4 treatments of light therapy

looming expense #2: $600 needs to be stuck aside for when old man dog and old lady cat need to be ushered over the rainbow bridge. we are getting ashes for both of them to bury out in the woods, so i'm sure that will be extra, too.

i'm sure there is something else, but can't remember. ugh.

+ kid is taking the last of her gen ed classes this semester (i'm taking a class too! biological anthropology!!! so excites!) and we have to spend some time this month and early next talking to the uni she's planning on attending to see what extra we have to do since she was homeskewled.

if my math is correct (HA. hahahahaha!), we should be able to pay for the remainder of her undergrad without an issue (as long as i get a used tractor and no more $$,$$$ horses. i can get a high $,$$$ horse maybe?) and possibly even her graduate courses! how lovely it will be for her to end school debt free!

i am very cognizant of how generational wealth is going to put her in a position that is not the norm; but i'm going to take advantage of everything i can to make sure that, when mister and i are gone, she is in a position of security. i don't know how successful we'll be, but we can only try.

+ the murder of renee good by ICE goons in minneapolis is hard to compartmentalize. tbh, it's hard to compartmentalize anything right now and my internal walls are showing cracks.

you know. i know you know.

+ in other news, highs are in the mid 30s next week! i better break out the shorts.

from the_lj_revival — 000sundancer000

2026-01-02T20:26:38Z

Fill this out and post it!

1a. What is the single most important change or commitment you could make to support your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing in the next twelve months and beyond?

1b. What might that look and feel like on a day to day basis?

1c. Which attitudes, habits, rituals and rhythms might help you?

2. What would you like to learn more about this year?

3. What do you want more of this year, and what are you willing to trade, forgo or sacrifice to get it?

4. What do you want less of this year, and how will you ensure that happens? Be specific.

5. Map out the constellation of important people in your life (individuals and groups), and identify how each of them supports you, and what part of yourself is supported. Is any kind of support missing from your constellation? If so, where might you find it in the year ahead?

6. What are you hopeful about?

7. What is your intention for the year ahead?

8. And finally, what would you like to nurture this year?

If you’d like to share any of your answers in the comments, or share a general picture of what you hope to invite in this year, feel free to do so. I’d love to read it!

(my answers are in the comments)

blessed solstice

2025-12-21T21:13:52Z

Solstice Poem by Margaret Atwood

This is the solstice, the still point

of the sun, its cusp and midnight,

the year’s threshold

and unlocking, where the past

lets go of and becomes the future;

the place of caught breath, the door

of a vanished house left ajar.

Ha!

2025-12-17T22:15:44Z

Mister wanted to get this for me. Awww!

Twenty Five Favorite Movies

2025-12-11T00:33:28Z

no particular order. very fluid list: what you get today is not what you'd get tomorrow.

The Urban Cowboy
Grease
Sharknado
The Conjuring
The Mummy
Pitch Black
Serenity
Star Trek Into Darkness
Housebound
What We Do in the Shadows
A Christmas Story
Animal House
The Long, Long Trailer
Love Story (aka I'm Not Crying, You're Crying)
The Shining
Oceans 11 (1960 Version)
Breakfast at Tiffany's
The Godfather
Goodfellas
The Way We Were
Star Wars (just pick one and I probably would count it as a fave)
Best in Show
This is Spinal Tap
Gidget
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

sitting with myself

2025-12-10T21:09:19Z

+ i belong to a FB group with all of my weight loss friends + weight loss community and when i visit, i have a shortcut on my desktop so it goes straight to that group and there's nothing else for me to see.

two days ago i didn't visit the group that way and just went to my feed — where i saw, and commented on, a post about a proposed data center in duluth. of course the ignorance was rampant about the situation and i ended up engaging when i should have just shaken my head and moved on.

now? it's like the internet "caught me" and is bombarding me about all the data centers in the world that i should be pissy over and i started fretting.

just a general fret over stupidity and nonsense and UGH.

today i just shut it all down and decided that the only one i want to take up space in my mind is me.

me, me, and me.

i can still engage in the protest surrounding the data center in duluth, but i don't have to deep dive on social media to do so. i don't have to let that negativity in, so i won't. i shall shun the negative energy!

and no unshunning!

this whole idea of sitting with myself and keeping negative/toxic away has been a periphery focus for awhile now. i started really acting on it mid-november when i started eliminating anything that was not doing good by me. and anyone. and anywhere. well, as much as i could.

i don't *owe* anyone that is not a friend/someone i connect with/family an explanation about extricating myself from bad juju. it's OK to just do it.

it's liberating and SO good for my mental health — i can already feel a warm and cozy blanket of safety starting to wrap around my heart.

good riddance to bad rubbish.

(that is truly one of my favorite sayings! the word "rubbish" is so much better than trash. ;))

maybe the person, the events, the news that were removed from my life would make a good little novel! "what does it take to make our plucky, witty, and wise heroine reach the point where she goes scorched earth?"

oh, and skinny. SKINNY, plucky, witty, and wise. (i was able to get the pair of size 10 petite pants on and buttoned and zipped after forEVER. not quite where i'd wear them out in public yet, but really close.)

(i know i'm not skinny lol but compared to this time two years ago, i am!)

anywoot, i need to get. so i'm gonna. <3

106 days until spring

2025-12-08T21:50:42Z

+ not that i'm counting.

+ changes in plans have been made! this weekend we're going to go cross country skiing instead of bentleyville and moving bentleyville to december 27th (the last night it's open PLUS fireworks!). cities friends are coming up for both.

it's very nice to have these people in our lives.

+ today i sucked it up and went outside to do some chores. blankets have been fitted to the ponies (with our old girl in hers now), chickens have been loved on and their coop/prison yard have been tossed, and i dragged kid around on the sled for awhile.

i did fine, for the most part. except i OVERDRESSED on torso, dressed correctly on hands, and UNDERdressed on feet. =\ friend T is bringing a pair of wool socks for me to use for skiing this weekend and if they work, maybe that's the answer? know what's NOT the answer: a second pair of socks.

seriously, two pair of socks make my toes feel claustrophobic. it's the weirdest feeling!

+ doing the outsides was really good for me, and i KNOW i need to keep it up. nothing combats the winter blues like fresh air and sunshine. :) not that sunshine is in great supply right now, but that's ok.

i've been slacking on tracking food and drinking my water, so those two things are on the MUST DO each day. it's so easy to slip back into bad habits and i could feel it happening, so gotta put a stop to that nonsense.

additionally, i need to give myself some grace about how losing this last >20 lbs is taking so damn long. i have achieved epic weight loss success (dr. sexy's words, not mine...but maybe they SHOULD be mine?) and this is when i need to rely on my grit to get me through the last stretch of this marathon.

i'm going to use the stretch of time between now and spring to a) get as close to my goal weight as possible, b) start developing my maintenance plan to keep from gaining any weight back, c) really focus on strength training.

it will have taken me over two years to get where i'm going, but am i glad i didn't listen to that voice who told me that there was just too much to lose and there was no way i could reach a healthy weight. ha on you, inside voice! ha ha on you. :P

i also need to get back to actively meal planning for all of us. stat. which is one of my favorite things to do, but actually sticking to it? not so much: someone (me) doesn't like to be told what to do.

+ but for now, it's time to read a bit with another cup of coffee, then dinner. we're having breakfast (me = chicken sausage, hash browns, spinach, and maybe an egg)....tomorrow it's shrimp, roasted veggies, and couscous or wild rice. that's as far as i've gone on the planning.

i do know that by the 1st of january, i want my fridge/freezer purged of things that we don't need/want to up my prep game in 2026. i bought some of the souper cube freezer molds and so far? I AM IMPRESSED. maybe i can prep a whole year's worth of food in one go? lol oh, to never cook again. heaven.

ok. i go. bye!

stitched pieces

2025-12-07T02:37:53Z

there is no normal.

when you sit, arms wrapped around yourself for comfort, feeling terrible because you feel so terrible, remembering that normality is a fucking fallacy can sometimes be the only thing that starts lining your insides up like they should be lined up.

since the last big snowfall, i have been experiencing a depth of the mean reds that i haven't had to deal with since before we moved here. part of it had to do with a bit of a long stretch without one of my mood stabilizers, part of it relates to the holidays (echoes of Emotionally Traumatizing Bad Things haunt me still), and the rest of it related to the sun disappearing, feeling like warm will never happen again, outside being STUPID right now, and a multitude of paper-cut severity THINGS that just dogpile as those effers are wont to do.

medication is pretty much back on track and....

....that's the only thing that has worked itself out.

a few weeks ago, i had this really horrible disconnect from myself where it felt like i was shutting down in protection, which made ZERO sense; my head was trying to reason with my sympathetic nervous system, but that bitch sets herself on a path and just runs with it.

i was trying to explain to my therapist why it was so BAD, but i could tell i either wasn't conveying it correctly OR she thinks i'm just some bored broad that is creating drama to entertain herself.

both of those things are equally possible, but i hope it's not the latter. not just that she doesn't think it, but that it's not true.

because i have been known to stir shit for my own amusement.

anyway, i'll get through it. messily, but through.

in the midst of all of THE STUFF, i let go of a purveyor of toxicity and nonsense who lingered about far longer than should have been allowed. go me; active distancing is rarely my thing, so when i do it, it means things have arrived at a point where it's just...

icky. and i don't like icky feelings.

we have friends coming next weekend and while that creates a few days of preparatory stress, i'm looking forward to it. we're planning on all going to bentleyville for some serious sparkly light action.

other than that, it will be a weekend of crafts, games, and other things of the fun variety. maybe even xcountry skiing if i can find skis to rent. o.O

i've decided to change my outlook on the words "bitterly cold" — i'm going to read that, from now on, to "character building." *nod*

californians do not like. do not like at all.

ok. it's 8:30. time to finish up my night.

Twenty five favorite songs

2025-12-06T21:33:34Z

Just like before, this list makes up the me that's now. Future me probably would have an entirely different list. ;)

Stay — Oingo Boingo
Darkness on the Edge of Town — Bruce Springsteen
Suedehead — Morrisey
Take Your Time — Tensnake
Black Magic — The Vindys w/Anya Van Rose
Snakecharmer — Ottmar Liebert w/Luna Negra
All That We Perceive — Thievery Corporation
Lil Boo Thang — Paul Russell
Why Don't We Just Dance — Josh Turner
Old Recliners — ROLE MODEL
2 Wicky — Hooverphonic
Suwannee — Pillbox Patti
Legends Never Die — Orville Peck w/Shania Twain
No Rest for the Wicked — Lykke Li
The Sea — Morcheeba
Valerie — Amy Winehouse
Shooting Stars — Billy Idol
I Want It That Way — Backstreet Boys
Pets — Porno for Pyros
Calling After Me — Wallows
Sit Next to Me — Foster the People
Spanish Bombs — The Clash
In the Waiting Line — Zero 7 w/Sophie Barker
This Must Be the Place — Talking Heads (the only song by them I actually like)
Life is Beautiful — Keb' Mo'

2025 Jumble

2025-12-04T20:36:41Z

Twenty Five Favorite Books (no authors included bc i'm lazy that way)

Note: This list would be quite different if I compiled it an hour, two hours, a day from now; my "favorite books" is a vast collection of things I've read which have stuck with me one way or another.

The Night Circus
Of Human Bondage
Ham on Rye
Portnoy's Complaint
The Passage
Wuthering Heights
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
The Lost Story
The September House
Lessons in Chemistry
The Pillars of the Earth
Coffee Will Make You Black
Murderbot #1 (All Systems Red)
The Martian
Like Water for Chocolate
Neuromancer
The Song of Achilles
The Goldfinch
The Miniaturist
Esperanza's Box of Saints
In the Time of the Butterflies
The Color Purple
The Executioner's Song
Night Film
The Paris Wife

sad music: a stark contrast to my happy mood

2025-12-01T20:22:56Z

annonymous poll at the end of this entry!

+ i write this every year around this time as a reminder to myself that new year resolutions are designed to pressure people into failure. for the last two years, i've quietly started the path toward changes i want to make on the first of december, and surprisingly, it's helped tremendously!

this year, i'm doing the same and — like last year — the "changes" are actually about continuing to move forward toward my goals. ok, some of them actually are new, but still....

full on "these are as close to being resolutions as i care to make" list:

hit my goal weight as quickly as healthily possible
engage my core, strengthen my body, nourish my muscles every day
ride with more consistency and dedication to form
continue to bring peace into our home and into our hearts
frequent creativity explorations

these are my "i'd like to do more of this" items:

1. read. read read read read. read.

2. work on decorating and updating corners of the house

3. garden WITH PURPOSE (vs. my usual chaos method)

4. spend time making new friends

5. spend more time with current friends :)

+ i've put in the request for mister to plan a day in the next few weeks for us to travel to the twin cities for some asian market shopping (there is going to be an hmart opening in the cities in 2026!!!!!!), ikea, and nordstrom. ;)

i've already started shopping for kid and mister, but need to up my game this year since we're all (well, he and i....kid not so much) over STUFF just for STUFF's sake.

+ on tap for today we have: making bread (with dough conditioner this time!), going through some of my clothes to make a bag or two for donation (i have yet to get rid of my fat clothes...i think it's partially because i'm afraid i'll gain all this weight back and have to walk around naked or something; whatever it is, i need to get over it, one bag of donations at a time), a workout of some type, and doing a bit of decorating.

after a week off from most responsibility, it feels weird to get back to normal busy.

View Poll: Do you decorate for the winter holidays?

bits and bobs

2025-11-29T21:30:35Z

+ yesterday i made a panera copycat winter squash soup and it was delicious. not quite as good as panera's, but with less sugar and heavy cream, not surprising. ;)

since it was black friday, i also spent part of the day shopping. or having mister show me things i might be interested in. i didn't buy anything, but hinted heavily that a pair of skis, cute ski pants, boots, and poles would be a "good investment."

he ignored me and i get why: we need to rent stuff before we buy stuff, in case i do this one time and say EFF no.

i still may get these ski pants because they look like they would work for other things out in the snow. look at all those pockets for horse treats, hoof picks, eggs, chicken scratch, handwarmers, bubble gum, etc and so on.

+ over the course of the last 24 hours, we've sold seven dozen eggs! o.O there are only two small eggs left, and i might have those on toast for dinner. or i might make steamed eggs over sticky rice with veggies of some type. or i might just have soup.

at this point, i honestly don't want to cook anything complex or complicated for awhile, so we'll see.

+ mister and kid went to his parents' house for their family thanksgiving. i opted not to go — partially because after friendsgiving i am back to eating normally, but mostly because there is always such WEIRDNESS there that to go is to put my mental health and self-control to the test. mental health because the energy is so dysfunctional and self-control because i have to work to keep from saying something i'll regret.

it's just too exhausting.

while they're gone, i'm putzing around and thinking big thoughts about things. i'm also playing diabloIV trying to finish out the season so i can get the stupid in-game pet. YES, I AM THAT PERSON.

what make is even more fun is my little office is down in the basement. =D i'm almost a stereotype!

+ after the feast last weekend, i gained 3 lbs and knew it was not "real" weight but what i call "momentary bad choices weight." this morning those 3 lbs are gone PLUS an extra one went with them. yay!

i still can't believe how far i've come in the last two years — mid december 2023 was when i started this journey. some of the healthy changes i have made are now healthy habits; some are still a struggle. by this time next year, i am hopeful that most of the struggle-bus issues are gone, but i am full-on into handling whatever shit i have to in this journey. quest. adventure. whatever it is.

i wish i could say i decided to make the changes for myself, but at first it was about wanting to be the right weight to do what i wanted to do with a horse. (which is: ride around in cute equestrian gear and not die....and do 1 show someday) then it became about being PRESENT in my body and going back to the things i love (outside STUFF....). then being around for longer for my family and being a better role model for my daughter became my driving force. mixed in it all the time was wanting to feeling good in my own skin.

it's rarely been about how anyone else sees me — thank goodness.

i am less than 20 lbs away from the goal weight i've set for myself. once i get there, we'll see if i want to drop a bit more — but in my mind, that's where i'll have to shift to maintenance mode, which will be a whole NEW mindfuck probably.

it's always something.

anyway, well over one hundred pounds gone has made me not only feel lighter in body, but in spirit.

and of course there are people who want to shit on weight loss success, or who feel jealous and are downright ugly humans on the inside and who lash out with their shitty little barbs.

bless their hearts, they have such zero impact on me that i wonder why they expend the effort.

(i actually know why and understand. but that sort of ugly has no place in my life — it's nothing but taint and bile. ick.)

ok! time to move that body upstairs to hangout with the beasts.

peace, loves. <3

Happy Thanksgiving!

2025-11-27T22:10:54Z

Misty says, "hey." Or hay. Whichever, have a wonderful day. :)

so much snow

2025-11-26T23:04:12Z

+ we had a blizzard warning yesterday and i was pretty impressed about how nonchalant i was during the whole snow dump. today, mister informed me we really didn't have a blizzard. :(

so that means i may not be calm when a real one shows up.

anyway, he has been doing the majority of the outside things, but i went out and tromped a bit and had to rescue my horse from being stuck in the pasture.

so she really wasn't stuck, but i DID make her go into her stall because she was covered in belly and whisker icicles. INSERT EYEROLL HERE.

please don't ask me when we'll blanket, because i have no idea. if i had MY way, anything below 35 degrees seems to be blanket weather....

but that's for sissy californian horses. tough northwood horses are like "oh, it's negative 3....hold my beer" and then go run around like maniacs having fun.

+ we WERE going to have a modified thanksgiving dinner with just the three of us: turkey breast, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and green bean casserole. i made a pan of cornbread for the stuffing and inadvertently left it out where dumbshit husky could get to it. so while i was out doing farm chores (e.g. saving horse from the elements), he took advantage and ate the whole damn thing.

i can't make dressing without it and you know what? i'm over cooking anyway. lol so as a family we made the group call to do thanksgiving food another time. tomorrow? we have fancy ramen. *nod* tonight? everyone is on their own. the last of friendsgiving leftovers are gone, so it's totally a catch-as-catch-can situation. i had a pretty big lunch (2 eggs, tortilla, spanish rice, tomatoes), so i'll probably have some cucumbers and cottage cheese later if i get too peckish.

+ yesterday was also a regular bread making day for me and i kept wondering wth was going on with the bread. it just felt DIFFERENT...and it rose differently....and it cooked not like usual. after cutting a slice (different mouth feel!), i figured out why — i forgot to add the dough conditioner to it! hell. >.< between that, the dog eating the cornbread, and me being OVER cooking...we may never eat again.

+ for mister's holiday gift, his company sent out a selection of items to choose from and we opted for the nespresso fancy pants machine with a separate milk heater/frother. i thought it would be great for the every-now-and-then special coffee, but at this point? i'd be fine using it for all my coffee needs.

the frother by itself makes my heart sing with joy.

+ i'm not going to admit this to many people, but....i'm actually excited about x-country skiing this winter! what we have right now would be perfect for it, but i don't think investing in skis and boots and cute ski pants is a good idea until i try it out. then again, i could just get a top mount rack for the car, permanently attach the skis to it, wear the ski outfit out and about, and LOOK like someone who is sporty and athletic.

+ i don't know how this has happened, but i am really tired already and it's not even 6p. o.O maybe i'm part queen bumble bee and want to hibernate.

ok, just looked. it's five after five. =\

ugh.