Life is a Garden

lilithsmoon — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 13:58:44 GMT

To the Man in my Dreams,

I dreamed about you again last night. I dream of many people, but you are the only one I can't explain. I've been having dreams about you for years with no explanation why. I'm not sure I'll ever get one. However, I woke up with the foolish hope that one day you would read this and know who that I am speaking of you. I had the thought that perhaps two people could share dreams. I doubt it, but the way the mind works is still somewhat of a mystery. Many may say that we can't share dreams, but who could prove it? With so many people in the world some dreams, just like thoughts, are bound to overlap. *sigh* Now you probably think I'm either crazy or stupid or both. Maybe you already think that of me. I'd like to think I'm not stupid, but I can't prove I'm not crazy.

I don't know how I feel about you in the real world. I must care enough to write this. Or perhaps this is a vain attempt to reach out to any feeling of love, even if it is only in my dreams. So, I guess, I can't say how I really feel about you in the real world. In my dreams, I know I love you more than air. In the waking world the only person I know for a fact I love is my darling little Drake.

If you know me or think you do, you probably think I'm lazy. I'm sorry. When I sleep, when I dream I have (or at least fell I have) a importance. In my dreams I have the power to make a change, I am recognized,and I have you. Can you blame me for wanting to sleep when I wake up to a life I'm not sure how else to escape? I love Drake. I wouldn't give him up for the whole world. I just don't know how to change everything else. I don't know how to escape myself or at least who I am at the moment. I think I could be a wonderful, productive and even important person if I could only escape certain tenancies about myself. I'm trapped. I don't know how to become freed. Once again I apologize if you think of me as lazy.

You may think I'm stupid. I don't think I am. I won't deny I have a level of ignorance, but doesn't everyone? Ignorance (and brains) is what makes learning possible. You have to not know something to learn it. I love to learn things. I love to read. I may be ignorant and at times I may be terribly naive, but I'd like for you to know I am not stupid.

Last night, in my dreams. I was telling you about some manga I've never even heard about. I was explain about how two of the characters were brothers and one of the brothers was in love with the other one. I told you about another character who made it a love triangle. You were probably as disinterested in my dream as you are now. You weren't really interested in what I was saying, but you were interested that I was saying it. I realized that you weren't really caring that much about what I was talking about. Embarrassed I muttered something about how Half Prince books was a good place to buy manga. You lay your head on my chest and I kissed the top of your head.

I must return to the real world now. Be well in life and in your dreams...

lilithsmoon — Wed, 28 May 2008 14:17:04 GMT

I just had a dream that Kip cheated on me. In the Kip had invited one of his old female friends over to watch a movie. I didn't know what really happened once she left, but I bluffed that I did. The feeling was there that he'd done something so I told him that I'd caught a glimpse and was so hurt I walked away without doing anything. I kept it vague since I didn't really know exactly what he had done if any thing at all. In the dream he confessed to me that she'd given him a BJ. He'd invited her over with the semi-intent of doing something with her. He knew it was wrong but one thing lead to another. He said he used (his charm person) feat on her. (D&D reference). Anyway I went to his parents and told them I didn't know where to go but I couldn't be around Kip any more and I wanted to take the baby with me. They asked me where I was going to go and my best bet was to my dad's. I woke up rather tense.

I have been having tons of anxiety dreams like this. Dreams where Kip cheats on me, or we get in a huge fight...etc. In all of them I take the baby and leave. I don't know what is going on. They are not with my depression, though, perhaps they are part of it. I don't know. All I know is that I think I need to talk to someone to get this worked out. I don't know what is going on. If they are just dreams caused by anxiety or if my subconscious is trying to tell me something. :(

lilithsmoon — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 22:09:26 GMT

1. Witch Child by Celia Rees ( p.260)
2. Sorceress by Celia Rees ( p. 342)
3. Peter Pan by J.M. Berrie (p. 221)
4. The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin (p. 301)
5. Dumbology: The book of Gaffes, Foul-ups, & Blunders by Geoff Tibballs (p. 309)

lilithsmoon — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 16:17:14 GMT

I'm not going to write a long entry now. I've been keeping a journal on a pad of paper since I've been in and out of the hospital. I will transpose it later, when I have more time. Right now I've just popped on while I have a few minutes to start my book list for 2008. Tammers and Jeia do it and it seems like a fun thing. However last years book read was a rather shamefully low number. This year has, most fortunately, gotten of to a better start.

1. Witch Child by Celia Rees ( p.260)
2. Sorceress by Celia Rees ( p. 342)
3. Peter Pan by J.M. Berrie (p. 221)

lilithsmoon — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 06:30:14 GMT

I should be sleeping, but my head was running in circles. There is only one thing for me to do when I have thoughts racing through my brain, put them down in an update. It helps me clear my head.

I ended up going back to the hospital. I went in the 8th, they sent me home. They said I had a bladder infection. I went back in on the 10th. They said I was fine and sent me home. On the 12th I was throwing up again, had a fever and was in much pain. I passed out twice at home and was very confused by the spells, so I went back to the hospital. This time they decided to keep me. They did a biopsy of my colon on the 14. I still don't have the results back yet. I won't know now till after Christmas. :( I want to know so they can start to treat me for what ever is wrong. I am tired of being sick and in pain. It, as they say, sucks. On Tuesday the 14th, I came home. They wanted to keep me longer, but I asked to come home because I missed my baby and my boy. Besides, they weren't really doing much more for me there then I can do for myself at home.

While I was in the hospital it snowed. I got really depressed that day. I felt like the snow was a curtain falling down between Drake and me. I had told them not to come visit me if the roads were bad. However, it wasn't as bad as the weatherpeople were predicting and I did get to see my baby.

I finished the book I was working on, The Shadow Realm, and read two others while I was in the hospital: Blood Price and On a Pale Horse. I liked them both. Physically I feel like shit, but mentally I'm feeling much sharper then I have been.

Every time I go to the hospital I come home with so many bruises that it looks like the nurses were beating me. Both my arms are covered in either purple and blue or green and yellow marks. I told my Grandma Dona that I had so many green marks I was beginning to look like the Grinch.

Other...humm...I had this dream that Hilary Clinton won the right to run as the Democratic candidate, and Obama was going to run as her vice president. However, they both died in a plain crash so they just replaced them with Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog. Miss Piggy 2008!

Drake is now 25 inches and 14 lbs 3 ounces. He is very healthy (if I haven't said that already). He has started to eat baby rice cereal. and really likes it when you bounce him up and down. It makes him laugh when you blow raspberries at him. One of his favorite things to do is be pulled up to standing by his hands. He's only three months and can't really do much, but he is just as cute as a button.

lilithsmoon — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 03:10:33 GMT

A Dragon is Born

On the night of September 10th the toilet got clogged up, so we went to the store. We were just going to go for a plunger, but Kip got distracted by the gaming magazines. While he was flipping through articles, I was walking around the store. I ended up walking around for about an hour before we left with more groceries than we intended.

I went the bed feeling kind of strange, but not too strange. However about 7am on the 11th I woke up to go to the restroom. When I climbed out of bed there was a rush...I was half awake and called into the other room, "Kip, I think my water just broke." He was all like 'do you think?' We got our stuff together and went out to the car. It was funny, Kip was like one of the panicky fathers in the movies. He must of ran in and out of the apartment at lest two or three times.

I however stayed calm. They got me back into receiving and hooked me up to the monitor. My contractions were off the chart. They really really hurt. But I was still more or less calm. That is until the felt for the babies head and he was no longer down like he had been. The little stinker turned himself around in the last week and was breached. They stared cramming all these people into this little room. I really hurt and wanted to sit up but they wouldn't let me. They were afraid I'd move the baby down more. They were going to have to do a c-section.

They took me back to the operating room and gave me a spinal. I quickly went from being in pain to being numb from the chest down. (Oh...this really doesn't have any thing to do with anything else at the moment, but the anesthesiologists was really hot.) It was a bit of a wait before they let Kip come in and hold my hand. But once he was in there he handled the whole thing like a pro. Kip was really supportive through the whole birth. He knew I was scared and tried his best to calm me down and make me smile.

When they were pulling the baby out there was all this pressure in my ribs. It was very uncomfortable, but it didn't really hurt. In all the confusion the baby began to cry. That first cry was magic. It was so good to know that my little dragon was alright. They cleaned him off and let Kip hold him. From about the moment they handed Drake to Kip, father fell in love with son. (Kip has really been a very attentive father.) Drake was born at 10:16 on September 11, 2007. He weighed 8 lbs. 6 Oz. and was 21 inches long.

It took them longer to put me back together then it did to cut me open. It seemed like ages. I wanted to hold my baby, but I couldn't. I could touch him while Kip held him though. He was so soft. When they were done stitching me back up they took me back to recovery. Before they could put me back into a room they had to wait for the spinal to start to wear off. I fed my baby for the first time. He knew what to do right away. He seems like a bright child. After he was done eating, they took him away to give him a check up and a bath. Kip and his mom went with him, this left me all alone waiting for my drugs to wear off. At first I just concentrated on making sure people were informed on what was going on. Next I started thinking of that one scene from Kill Bill and trying to wiggle my toes. It worked. I got back to my room much sooner then they thought I would.

The 11th - 14th of September...

After Drake was born they kept me at the hospital from Tuesday (11) till Friday(14). The stay for C-sections is typically one day longer then it is for natural birth. While I was there Kip stayed with me and his Mom was there everyday too.

My sister came on Tuesday and Wednesday. She was helpful, but she always had an extra kid or two in tow, which made it more chaotic then I really could take at the moment. On Wednesday she brought Alexis and got mad at me because I wouldn't let Alexis hold Drake because Kip thought it was a bad idea. She gave me a guilt trip about how I made Alexis cry. *sigh. I still feel that Kip deserves a say. If he isn't comfortable with a 7 year old holding our baby (even with help), than she doesn't get to hold him.

My dad came to visit on Wednesday and Thursday. He took a bunch of pictures. Some of them were really random, like pictures of Drakes knees and hands.

Grandma Dona and Grandpa Larry came on Tuesday and Thursday. They took pictures too, but didn't stay long. Grandma Dana is still suffering from some cracked ribs and now they found out that her wrist is broken, too. :(

Kip's dad didn't get to see Drake as much. He had to work. However, when he did show up he was clearly dazzled by his grandson.

The doctors kept a close watch on both the baby and me. While I was there they said I was healing fine. And Drake is healthy. The only thing they want to keep and eye on is they think his right hip might be lose. They are having us double diaper him to keep it in place more firmly.

I feel bad about it, but we had them take Drake down to the nursery a few times so we could sleep. It usually didn't really work though. There were so many doctors and nurses coming in to check up on me I hardly had time to breath. One afternoon I did get some sleep. I had a dream that I got in a fight with Kip about someone he wanted to go hang out with. I told him to be home before too late because I didn't want to be left alone with the baby. He got angry and pushed me. I started to cry in my dream and woke up balling in real life. Kip was there to comfort me. He's worried about the picture my subconscious has of him.

Friday night we went home and had pizza for dinner. Kip and his parents had a bottle of champagne to celebrate Drake's home coming.

Saturday the 15th and Sunday the 16th

Nothing really eventful happened. I enjoyed being at home. There were no doctors or anyone to really bother me, so I actually got more sleep being at home then I did at the hospital. Kip's mom was still there, at least for a little while, both days. She's been very helpful, but she is a little bossy and can get a little annoying at times. Still, I'm grateful for the help, and would feel really rude telling her to go away.

My sister came by on Saturday and brought all kinds of baby stuff that she had left over from Jordan. She's been helpful too, if not as present.

On Sunday night my mom's bff, Suzie, stopped by. She brought us dinner and some baby goodies. Her daughter has a baby that is just over a year, so I got some hand me downs from him. Some clothes, a few toys and a breast pump.

Monday the 17th - Monday 24

Monday started out pretty normally. We had a nurse come by from the hospital to do a check up on Drake and myself. I told her my incision hurt, and she said it was a little red, but it might just be upset with the staples. Drake was healthy. However, by Monday afternoon I was in pain, I fought through it till night time, but by that time I was hurting so much that I was in tears. I had Kip and his parents take me to the ER.

They got me back into a room. Kip's parents waited in the waiting room with Drake, but Kip came back with me. I thought they were going to kill me. The resident kept asking me what I was allergic to, and I kept telling him Advil and Neproxen. But he still kept saying he was going to give me Advil. I kept reminding him I was allergic. They decided to go ahead and pull my staples out. When they did there was a gush of fluid. There had been a little bubble of liquid stuck under my incision causing me grief. They said they would have to keep me for 24 to 48 hours.

They moved me back up to the floor with the nursery. They said that Drake could stay, but Kip would have to stay, too. It was almost 4am before they got us settled. I called both my parents to let them know what was going on and then we fell asleep.

For the rest of Tuesday (18th)they just kept and eye on me and changed the bandaging on the wound. It actually really hurt. They would have to peel the wet/bloody packing out, and pack new gauze in. They kept telling us that I'd have to learn how to pack it myself so I could do it after they sent me home. However, I didn't feel comfortable with that, nor did Kip, nor did his mother. We couldn't really find anyone to help.

Wednesday was my Birthday. They were still talking about sending me home and having to pack it. My sister brought my grandmother by to see me. She also brought cake, but at the time I was under orders not to eat anything. They were trying to decide if they wanted to have me pack my own wound or if they wanted to stitch me back up. Kip said it was okay, the cake wasn't that good anyway. lol. It is the thought that counts I guess. Suzie also stopped by and said that she'd be able to help change the packing once a day, but I'd have to find someone to do it in the morning. We couldn't find anyone. Finally, they decided to just stitch me back up. They took me in to the same room where they had delivered Drake and gave me a local to knock me out while they sewed me back together. When I got back to the room I felt so sick that the only think that I could really eat was chicken noodle soup. Kip's parents brought strawberry cheese cake for my B-day, but I only ate a bite or two then gave my piece to Kip.

I'm going to stop and say that Kip really was amazing through the whole ordeal. He stayed right by my side . He was very supportive and took very good care of the baby when I was out of it. He changed almost all the diapers while were at the hospital (and by the end of it we were there a week) and he even gave Drake a bottle or two of milk I pumped. He was sweet enough to even tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me when I knew I looked like crap. Kudos to Kip for being excellent.

Thursday they were going to sent me home, but I started to run a fever. They put me on three different Antibiotics because they were worried about infection. (They all put a bad taste in my mouth) That night my fever was up to 103. They had to take lab work. (I felt like a pin cushion. I had three I.V. over the week and at least six places were they drew blood.) I still had the fever on Friday and my stomach started to hurt. They took X-rays, but they came back normal. Actually, while I was running the fever, I felt fine. (other then my stomach hurting). It was on Saturday/Sunday that I began to feel like shit. My fever was coming down, but my body was just feeling all the havoc that was being done to it.

My friend Lindsey's mom stopped by on Sunday. It was really sweet of her. She brought me some apples and other food. Drake was asleep so she didn't get to hold him. I asked her what she thought he was dreaming about. She said she thought he was dreaming of heaven.

My labs came back that I had a bacteria called C. Diff. or something like that. It is normally in the body, but can sometimes get out of control. They took me off all of antibiotics I was on and put me on a new one. I guess some antibiotics can actually make it worse. They put me on room restraint and had Kip go down the hall to use an different restroom. What I had/have can be spread and they didn't want him getting sick. I was worried about the baby, but they said that he'd be fine. I was giving him antibodies and antibiotics through my breast milk.

Monday (the 24th) they were still talking like they were going to keep me for a few more days, but spontaneously turned around and decided to send me home. The idea was that I'd heal better if I could move around, and I couldn't really move around under room arrest. Most of me was really glad to get out of the hospital. Yay! I'd escaped. But two little parts of me wanted to stay. One part was the worried part. The part that didn't know if I could take care of myself and was nervous about being sick. The other part that wanted to stay was the lazy part. The part that liked the free cable and people bring food to me. However, it is good to be home.

Tuesday (25th) - Today

Nothing much happened on Tuesday. Mostly I just rested.

Wednesday, I had an appointment with a doctor to check up on my stitches. She ended up taking a bunch of them out because they looked a little pink around the edges. She wants me to shower ever day and to blow dry my incision afterwords. I rolled over on my side to sleep for the first time since Drake was born. I know it doesn't sound like much, but for me it was a big accomplishment.

This morning I woke up and the incision was bleeding. It had soaked through both my panties and my pj bottoms. I put on new clothes and a pad to catch the blood and had Kip take me to the hospital. We were only there for a few hours this time. They said that I had to take it easier. That I may have bleeding, that even coughing could sometimes make me bleed. However, not to worry about it unless 1) I'm gushing or 2) the bleeding doesn't stop within a half an hour.

other

Lilly is being bad again. I think that she's acting out because she's feeling neglected and she doesn't know how to take the new baby.

Drake is a really good baby. He sometimes gets fussy, but normally he only cries if he needs something. He doesn't like having a wet diaper (who would?) and he really likes to eat. He sleeps well, even if not when I'd normally sleep. My mom has told me that the first two rules to having a new born are 1) take care of yourself because if you don't you can't take care of baby. and 2) sleep when baby sleeps.

lilithsmoon — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 17:43:24 GMT

I think I'm about on my last straw. The feeling that I was just about through with the way Kip is behaving has been there for awhile. However, it really settled in last night. He had me so upset that I had one of those half sleepless, restless nights. One of those nights where you are in so much mental turmoil that you spend the hours not really asleep, but not really awake either. I'm tired of the way Kip makes me feel. He makes me feel unattractive and disposable. The way he talks to me makes me feel like a bad person. None of the choices I've had to make in the past few months have been easy ones, but I tried my best to do what I thought was the right thing to do. No, not the easy thing, but the right thing.

I've been working hard to try and earn money to start getting myself back on my feet. I've been irresponsible in the past with money; though I know I can't go back and fix every thing, I am trying to make up for what I can. I've been working even though I feel like carp. Yet, now, when we go out, Kip won't pay for hardly anything. I end up picking up the bill. Even when we agree before hand to split the bill, when it come time to pay he suddenly doesn't have enough. This wouldn't bother me so much. I don't mind paying, especially when it was my idea to go out. However, I am trying to save up money and pay off bills. I have things I want, that I need. It would me nice if he'd quit being moody and started working again, too. Some of the places we've gone to have been pricey.

He does and says things that hurt me. I know that he doesn't mean me ill (most of the time), but it is not helping me much. He tells me he wishes everyday that I'll loose the baby. And that he never really wanted to have sex with me the night I got pregnant, that I coerced him into having sex with him. When we run into people on the street that he knows he'll never introduce me. I feel like he's so ashamed of me. It hurts so much, I can hardly stand it. Being pregnant is hard enough without having to deal without having to deal with a father-of-the-child that isn't supportive.

And yet, after all that I know he doesn't want me to leave. Whenever I bring up that I am thinking about going to stay someplace else, or something like that, he clings to me like a child being dropped off on the first day of school. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to come up with a solution that will be best for everyone (Kip, the baby, and I). I don't want to hurt anyone. I know he's going through a really rough spot with this, and I've tried to be supportive. I just can't do it any more, I don't think. I've been having a really hard time, too. I'm tired of feeling alone, like it doesn't make a difference to him how upset I am. I want him to be happy, but I can't go on being unhappy at the cost of trying to make him happy. It just isn't working. I know all of that...and am still hesitant to leave...I really don't know what I am going to do...

lilithsmoon — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 19:06:14 GMT

If it isn't one thing it is another. I think I'm going to ask the social worker at the clinic I am going to if she can help me find a new place to live/stay. Kip is doing much better, but for some reason I just don't feel comfortable living here. The only time I get to see him is when I need something from him, other than that he is always playing Warcraft. I can't stand being second to a game. There are many things I could stand to come in second to, but a video game is not one of them.

On top of that I need to find someplace to put my cat. I can't have her here. Kip's cat is territorial. But my sister is saying that Lilly pissed on her bed. It is something that I can believe that Lilly would do, but she is blaming her without any proof it was actually here. Whenever any of the cats do anything (besides throw up) it is always blamed on Lilly. Anyway, Angelica is saying she's going to take my cat to the humane society or let her b/f kill it. I don't know what to do. I got kicked out so his kids could have my room, now they are trying to off my cat? :(

I had a bad dream the other night that Kip's friend Beth came over and attacked me with a knife. She was upset because I was keeping Kip and her apart and she had decided that they were destined to be together. I kept screaming for Kip to come help me but he wanted to make sure that he was in a good place with his Warcraft quest. By the time he came to save me, Beth had already stabbed me to death. I told him about it and it said that it was creepy because it sounds something like Beth might do. He was disappointed with the view of him my subconscious has.

lilithsmoon — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 13:09:14 GMT

Yesterday I was looking at Kip's Myspace profile and under children it says that he doesn't want any. I know it has probably been like that for a bit, but I also know that it wasn't like that before I was pregnant. He waited until I was already going to have his baby to switch his profile to say he didn't want kids. It is probably trivial, but it still hurts.

He also stayed up late last night playing Warcraft when he knew he had to drive me to an appointment this morning. I would drive myself, but I've been having vision problems. If he doesn't get up, then he's clearly chosen warcraft over me and I need to make arrangements to have someone help me move all of my stuff out. The problem is that I really don't have anywhere else to go.

lilithsmoon — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 19:58:01 GMT

This entry will probably be short, but my mom thinks that with me being so emotional lately that trying to keep up with my journal is a very good thing. It is just getting harder. I feel like I throw up ever fifth or sixth meal I eat. I know I'm loosing wait. They have tracked that at the doctors office. I've lost almost 10 pounds. They said that sometimes it is normal to start loosing before you start gaining when you are pregnant. I don't know. Even though I'm loosing wait, I'm not getting any thinner. Actually, the only things I can get to fit me are sweat pants, jogging pants, and PJ bottoms. No normal pants fit me any more.

Mostly getting sick/ loosing wait is affecting how strong I feel. Or rather, how weak I feel. I feel frail. It is hard for me to sit or stand for long with out my legs starting to hurt or feeling weak and dizzy. I'm so tired of laying around in bed, though; my neck and back are really beginning to hurt.

All of this is frustrating and making me really depressed and moody. I'm afraid to feel happy about the baby, so I keep switching between anger, depression, and being really nervous. Despite how horrible I feel like I'm being, Kip seems to be coming around a little more. He's being helpful. He's trying to be attentive. If I am crying he'll come comfort me. If I'm hungry he often brings me food. I'm proud of him. (But I'm almost afraid to say all this. I'm afraid to jinx a good thing.)

I'm beginning to get woozy so I'm going to go lay down.

But before I go I have to say one thing. I'm getting sick and tired of hearing about Anna Nicole Smith.

lilithsmoon — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 19:57:11 GMT

Kip thinks it would be a good idea for me to start RPing again. My game didn't go anywhere, so I was wondering if someone could help me find a game or two... Here are the thoughts I have...

- some dark fantasy kind of like Midian (Vampires, fays, witches, etc.)
- something where the characters could have superpowers (maybe something based around X-men or Heroes?)
- Maybe I'm ready to start play HP games again, Marauder era preferred

Original characters preferred, but if not I can work around it. I'm also open to other ideas...

lilithsmoon — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 23:23:12 GMT

I guess I'll start here. It seems as good as place as any...

I've started a new game, or rather, am trying to start a new game. I need Members first. lol. The link is here ====> http://www.greatestjournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=atlantean_ooc

I'm having trouble getting people to join. I'm not really quite sure why. I think I have some ideas but I'm not sure. Partly, I think some people are burnt out because Midian had such a long horrid death. I don't know. Part of me thinks that no one is wanting to apply because they don't want to be the first person to apply. lol. Kip hasn't applied yet because..well...he's a little lazy. He says he is going to or thinking about it or something. I don't know. I try to give all his games a fair chance. I wish he'd do the same for me. Sammy said she'd join...but maybe not. I don't know...and Chris doesn't want to join because there are no Original Characters allowed. Maybe I need another game. Or to adjust the game if what I want doesn't work out. Anyway. I'd love to play with anyone who wants to join.

<3 Rai

Mass update part Two

lilithsmoon — Sun, 03 Sep 2006 19:41:07 GMT

From August 1

It is pretty bad when I haven't officially started my new job and I already think I need to move on to another job. Yesterday, I showed up when I was told to show up. No one knew what the hell was going on. The manager who told me to be there hadn't let the on duty manager know I was going to be there, so I got sent home. I was told that my first day was just going to be orientation. But today I showed up with a white short sleeved collared shirt, like the told me to wear yesterday, but it isn't the right kind of white short sleeved collared shirt. It needs to button down all the way. So now I have a bunch of shirts that I can't use and can't return, and got sent home again. I haven't even filled out any paperwork or anything yest. WTF? I'm sorry, but if management can't even get their fucking story straight I'm not sure I want to work there. I don't even think that is me being elitist of me. I think that is me not wanting to work for a company that is obviously so disorganized that I'm surprised any of them can put their pants on the right way.

I'm all kinds of pissed off at the moment.

---

Another thing i'm pissed about; Why is myspace so retarded all the time?

-------

Oh..and another thing. One of my cuddle buddies decided he wanted to ditch me and fuck some ugly scank ass stripper with a mullet. Things like that just make me feel all kinds of hideous. Why am doesn't anyone think I'm beautiful? I wish I was good enough to have around and not be required to be a whore to earn the honor.

From August 8

The past few days have been busy...sort of. I have a boyfriend, now. Our first day lasted almost five and a half days. lol.

We met on Thursday at the IMA. At first I really wasn't sure if it were a date or not. Later, he admitted that he wasn't sure either. So cute. Anyway, lol, we walked around the museum and talked. Left went to get coffee. Talked to Jo for a second, then we went to his house for awhile before we went to go see 'Clerks II'. We went to eat at a chinese buffet, than came to my house. The first night we stayed here.

Friday we didn't really do much. Actually, I'm trying really hard to remember what we did on what days. I think that on friday we humm...I don't know. Probably just went back to his house and watched a movie...Oh yeah, he made me watch 'The New Guy'. It was actually funny. We stayed at his house that night.

Saturday we came back to my house to change and get stuff. We went over to hang out with my friend Ryan. The plan was to go to Rocky Horror, but we really ended up just going to a bar and then to Steak 'N Shake. We went back to Ryan's and watched 'Grandma's Boy'. I'm glad that Ryan and Kip got along. it is always good when your friends and your boy get along. That night we stayed at Ryan,s.

Sunday and Monday night we stayed over at Kips house. I think just about ever day we came back home to my house so that I could get some-thing or other. The days weren't really other wise eventful. Neither of us were really feeling well. His parents just got back from Germany and have been sick. Now Kip and I are probably both going to get sick...I know he's sick...probably. He was all coughing and sneezy. I babied him well. ;)

I think it was on Monday...yes Monday, we had to run by the fair grounds so I could get my ID. We ended up stopping by my dad's office, too. My dad took us out to dinner. I think he really likes Kip. He said that he was 'appropriate' for me. lol. My mom thinks I'm rushing into this and am going to get myself hurt. I hope not *crosses fingers and knocks on wood* I think Kips a keeper.

Yesterday he delayed taking me home as long as he could. He didn't want to return me. He felt bad for getting me back so late when I had to get up so early, but I think it is actually really adorable of him.

He's just about everything I could ask for...we can talk about books, watch wonderfully silly movies together, we are both artistic and dorky. He's good to his mother, animals, and (from what I can tell) kids. He's understanding and forgiving. He's fun to talk to and hold. He has a really nice smile...near perfect teeth. I don't know. I'm so in love with him right about this second. lol.

His parents are nice. They kind of caught us in the shower together yesterday. Oops...lol. I couldn't help but laugh even though it wasn't really that funny.

Anyway, It won't tell you much, but here is
Kip's Myspace page.

I'm sure I'll have more to say about all of the above when I remember and am less tired. I actually had a hard time sleeping without him...lol...:/ humm...

I worked today for my dad. It was pretty nice till later in the afternoon when it got hot. I made a bit of money. I've already spent $20 of it on stuff from the grocery. Mostly stuff for the whole family. I did this more for my dad's sake than anyone else's. He buys stuff for all of us...I figured I'd get some stuff this time. And some of the money is going to buy Angela a B-day present. It is on Friday. While I don't expect to get it to her on time; I also don't want it to be that late.

I have a job interview on Friday at Jo-Anne Fabrics. I hope I get the job. It seems like a place I would actually be happy to work at.

I think I need to get a little nap.

From August 21

I've noticed something...it is probably something that I knew from way before, but it is blatantly obvious now. When I'm at home I am a very grumpy unhappy person. Most of the past few weeks I've been staying with Kip, and I have been happier than I have been in a very long time. I feel like my life is coming together. I have a great boyfriend. I have a job. I feel like the pieces are finally starting to fall into place. This week I've been home twice. Both times I arrived in a good mood, but left in a sour one. I don't know what it is. My sister an Josh (I think mostly josh) make me feel like less of a person. Kip makes me feel like I'm worth something, at least most of the time...while at home I feel worthless.

Other then that things have still been busy. I started my new job and it is going well. At the moment I don't have very many hours and am not getting paid much, but it is better than nothing. Most of my time I've been with Kip which kind of worries me. He lives at home still and I'm afraid that I'll wear out my welcome with his parents. His dad is really nice and seems to like me, but I'm not really sure what his mother thinks of me.

Yesterday we threw knives and did some archery. We both really suck, but at least I hit the target. Not the bulls eye, but still...the target...not bad for being out of practice I don't think.

I'm all caught up at 'Midian' or at least I think I am. The game is sort of depressing me at the moment, but that is just because it is going so slowly at the moment. My characters seem to be tied to alot of characters who are on hiatus. :/ I'm still giving the game time to pick up though...and trying to get Kip to join.

I wish I could bring Lilly over to Kip's...I'm worried that my sister or Josh will do something mean to her.

From Agusut 31

Why is it that I always feel that there is at least one road block on my pathway to progress? Not small bumps in the road but someone standing up and saying wrong way or some crap like that? I'm suppose to be moving in with Lindsey a week from tomorrow, and she isn't giving me any cooperation at all. I know she is busy, but she could at least call or something. She was supposed to call my monday night to talk out the details and I still haven't got that phone call. I could go and talk to the landlord by myself, I suppose, but if I did that for some reason I would feel like I was intruding. Lindsey said she didn't have any problems with me moving in with her, but if I am not getting any help from her I feel like maybe she doesn't really want me to live there. Maybe I should be looking for other places or something?

It is just so frustrating that I'm so excited about this and I'm getting nothing from her. I know she's busy. She works two jobs and has a boyfriend...humm...I don't know. I am working, too, and I have a boyfriend, too, and I can see where she'd be distracted....but I always try to take at least a few minutes to make sure my friends know I still love them. Maybe that is just the difference between her and I...or or signs or something. I don't know.

I bought a couch from goodwill. It is black with leopard print trim, really super cute. lol

Kip is trying to talk his friend Jeremy into moving in with Lindsey and us. If Jeremy says yes, then Kip will come, too. So it would be Lindsey, Jeremy, Kip and I, in a three bedroom house, with one bathroom. The funny thing is that Kip and I met because Lindsey and Jo were trying to set me up with Jeremy (Lindsey works with Jeremy and Jo), But Kip stepped and and Jeremy told him to go ahead and go for it...or me...or whatever.

...and it would be like we had a mini-commune of gamers. Kip is trying to set up a D&D game. It is completely dorky but fun. I think that Jeremy, Tim (another one of Kip's friends) and who knows who else will be playing and Kip will be running the campaign. I have two characters for the game. One is a Nasimir, this race that is half nymph and half evil tiger people (the race begins with an "r" but I don't know how to spell it off hand and I'm too lazy at the moment to look it up), named Kessa. The other is half Celestial (angel) and half human and her name is Marisol. I haven't got a chance to play either of them yet, but I've been drawing some fun pictures of them. Come to think of it Kip has already scanned them all into his computer. Maybe I'll put them up when I get back from work tonight...

I still have my job and I really like it. It is tiering and it hurts my back (and feet), but I'm making money and that makes me feel like a better person for it. I'm not making much, but it is better than nothing. They have given me the weirdest days off. I don't work Monday or Thursday. Angelica keeps telling me to let her know before I quit so she can go buy some fleece to make blankets for the girls, but I've already requested October 31st and November 1st off of work, so I'm planning on staying there for a long while.

Anything else...

I miss my cat, but I'll see her more when I (hopefully) move in with Lindsey. There is no way I'd move-move and leave her behind.

I still miss Angela. I tried to call her on her birthday, but her phone was disconnected. Not knowing what else to do, I just packaged up her present and sent her a little note with it telling her how much I missed her and that she needs to call me.

That seems to be it....for now at least...*le sigh*

Mass Update

lilithsmoon — Sun, 03 Sep 2006 19:36:06 GMT

From July 28

Today was my big day with my mother. Or at least the day I got to spend quality time with her her (and my Grandma Dona).

First she took me to (finally) get my psychic reading. Even though the lady seemed really nice, I'm still taking everything she had to say with a grain of salt. After all I'd be really nice, too, if I were making $20 ever quarter of an hour. She told me that it I am a very bright and creative person. It is important for me to get back into college and get a degree. She could see me teaching, but maybe not as concrete as being teacher. (I've actually heard that before; That I was reborn to be a spiritual teacher.) I don't know. lol. She also said that I'd start dating soon, but I won't know who 'the one' is until after I graduate from college.

She told me that I think I'm in a dark place right now, but I'm really in a place of learning and gaining prospective on my life. While I feel weak, I'm really gaining great strength. She picked up on my relationship with J.W. and said that she could feel that I was still holding on to the pain and hurt from that. I need to let go of that before I can move on especially in my love life. I was also told that I'm way to hard on myself. I need to learn to be forgiving and more patient with myself. In all, she could see that right now things seem muffled but when/by the time I'm 27 everything will just fall into place; 'boom-boom-boom' she said. lol.

She did say something that didn't make much sense to me. First of all she said something about her feeling the word 'whitefish'. I have not a clue what that means. She also said that she felt a Tim or a Timothy in my life that is/would be important. I don't know who this could be. I had a second/third? cousin named Tim who died 15 years ago from AIDS, but I'm not sure if that is what she is talking about, or if there is another Tim somewhere. It seems like a pretty common name. *shrugs* The third thing she said is that she felt a brother in my life. I don't have a brother, so she said that perhaps it was a friend that is like a brother who will be there to listen to me. I have no clue who this could be. Maybe Carlos? I really don't know.

After that we went to lunch, and then to the Art Museum. I really wanted to see the wedding dress exhibit. I really liked a few of them. It is all so interesting; how different yet similar a good deal of cultures are on the subject of marriage. How different colors are used in different parts of the world. Where here it is bad luck to wear red, in the Orient it is good luck to wear red (and orange). Oh, and it said that so many of the dresses where made by girls as soon as they knew how to sow. They are so detailed. I can't imagine doing half as well. And yet, I don't know. It is funny how (even here and now) it is marriage and motherhood that are implanted into a girl's psyche as important. I know that a few 'more' liberal women would argue against that, but it really is true. Even Lindsey who doesn't want to get married, wants to have a wedding. The things that get painted in our minds from a young age...

We also looked at some of the more usual paintings. They don't have the Lilly exhibit open yet. It has my favorite painting. It is a christian work depicting hell, to frighten sinners onto the right path. My mom told me that it had always been my favorite, ever since I was really little, and it gave her the creeps.

I'm going to a bonfire tonight. Taking my new friend Marta. Hope it goes well.

I need to either do something about the crush I have or get rid of it. It is making me feel weird now. All awkward and nervous. Blah. I no likey.

From July 26

I talked to my mother and she told me for fact that my sister IS pregnant. I knew it. I guess Angelica hasn't told me because she's afraid I'd tell dad, and she doesn't want dad to know because she's afraid he's going to yell at her. Anyway, she's approximately three months pregnant, the baby is due sometime in the second half of January. Or at least that is what my mom said. I'm going to be an auntie, a real one this time.

I now have a job. I'll be waitressing and start on the 31st. It is work, but if I stay positive and friendly I'm suppose to be able to make good money. My family really needs the money. Now that I have one job, my dad is saying that I need another one. I don't know. Maybe one thing at a time. Sometimes I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough for my family. And everything is my fault. Angelica doesn't do the dishes; it's my fault. Our home computer is broken; my fault. My sister's cat threw up; obviously my fault.

I'm suppose to be cat-sitting for my aunt and can't remember the entry code. I'm going to wait till morning/day light to try to go figure this mess out. I need to try. I feel bad for not dropping by tonight, but I don't want to set off the alarm after dark. I don't want to set the alarm off at all, but some how after dark seems worse.

I feel unloved. Nothing that won't pass I'm sure. Just a little lonely.

Humm...I don't. I'm bored. I must be. It is 1am and I drove 20 min. to my dad's office just because I want to be on the computer. Junkie nerd I am. lol. It is fucking hot in here. He turns the air off at night to save money. So it is like 80 degrees in here right now...And their or roaches. Yuck. I'm not for killing things, but roaches and ants bother me. You know you are bored when you make a game out of seeing how many bugs you can kill in one night.

From July 25

Lately I've been making more friends, and it has come to my attention that when I say 'I love you' it is often taken the wrong way. Especially by male friends. Females friends are usually cool with it, say 'I love you, too', and don't freak out on me. Just to make it clear, I love all of my friends, I'm usually not afraid to say so, and I don't want this flipping anyone else out. So...after some thought I've thought of a way to explain what I mean by it:

If I tell you I love you, what I mean is that I'd fight to protect you.
If I tell you I am falling in love with you, it means I would kill to protect you.
If I tell you I am in love with you, it means that I would die to protect you.

I tried to make that an easy explanation for all my mail friends who don't seem to understand. so, there, just because I love you, doesn't mean I want to marry you and have your babies. They can all rest easy at night now. lol. I don't see any reason not to tell a friend that you love them, just like I don't see any reason to tell family that you love them. I hope this makes since. Maybe I'm getting the whole idea wrong.

I'm an affectionate person by nature. I will touch if I feel that my friends are comfortable with it. I like to kiss and hold hands. I like to cuddle, but none of these things make me your girlfriend. I think that this is often misunderstood, too. I'm trying to write this and am even confusing myself. If I kiss you, I'm not your girlfriend. If I am kissing you exclusively, I might think I am. If I cuddle with you, I'm not your girlfriend. If I cuddle with you and no one else, maybe.

While I'm talking about how I feel about love and friendship, I might as well talk about how I feel about sex. Most of my friends know that I haven't had sex in a really long time. This is not something that I'm ashamed to admit. It has been by choice and not by lack of opportunity. I feel that sex has lost it's meaning to most people. I want it to mean something to me, I want the other person to mean something to me, and I want to feel like I mean something to the other person.

It isn't that I think that sex is dirty (though in todays world it can be unsafe) or sinful. And it isn't that I'm waiting for marriage. I just want to make sure I'm more than just a cheep thrill. I'm sure that J.W. and I had some good times together, that I had some good experiences with him sexually, but they are overshadowed by the memories of all of the bad. Things I'd rather forget but can't. I guess I just want to make sure that the next person I decided to have sex with will be committed to me on some level and willing to treat me right. I don't want to be just a living blow up doll, I want to be loved. I really don't think that this is too much to ask for.

I've been told that it is...that my unwillingness to settle for what I can get will leave me unhappy and alone. To those people I have to say a big FUCK YOU. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship I didn't want to be in. This makes sense to me and I sure as hell hope it makes sense to other people. My heart is open but you can't force something that just isn't going to fit. I don't know. I really don't know. Every time I think I know I end up second guessing myself and feeling like an idiot.

Why do boys have to be so difficult and stupid?

From July 23

Who really are you?
and who really am I?
If I were earth,
and you were sky,
Would air in-between,
were differences lie,
push us to walk away,
without even a try?
Or would we combined
to form sweet lullaby,
sung by nightingales
down low and up high?

What is it of me?
and what is it of you?
That makes me want
to both flee and pursue?
If you were a shepard
and I were the ewe,
or if you were the hunter,
I the doe covered in dew,
Would you stay your hand
or go right on through
with your murderous plot,
on your skin my bloods hue?

I wonder is it just me
or should I say we?
It's darkest before dawn.
Is that why I can't see?
For better or worse,
You and I, or is it we?
I wish that I knew,
Don't you agree?
The questions the lock
The answer the key.
I want to push to know
but I should let it be.

From July 22

It has been a weird few days. First of all, Lilly keeps crying. I don't know what the hell is wrong with her. I feed her; she still cries. I give her fresh water; she still cries. I clean out her litter; she still cries. The only way I can get her to stop crying is to pet her. It is really beginning to upset me because I can't figure out what is wrong with her. I'm worried. What if she is sick? I don't have enough money to take her to the vet. On top of that I haven't slept very well because once I stop petting her she starts crying again. She won't let me sleep. I don't know what to do.

The neighbor lady is trying to get my dad arrested. There is a little space on the street between our two houses where sometimes I have to park my car. She's started to ask us not to park there even though we have as much right to park there as she does. Not to mention we have three cars to try and find parking places for and she only has one. My dad backed into her mail box the other week and can't afford to pay to have it fixed. It is only $75 but we can't spare that. We are just getting by as it is. Anyway, Josh moved my car out onto the street so he could park my sister's car in the garage, and the bitch called the police on us. WTF?

The computer at home isn't working (still), I've tried to fix it. I can't. I don't have enough computer smarts I guess. I'm going to have to find someone who knows more and beg them to fix it for free because we don't have money to pay for that either. Dad brought his laptop home but we can't get the internet to work on it. I am fine until it asks for the password and then I have no idea what my dad would use as a password. Or I do, but what he says is the password doesn't work. I've tried guessing other things, but obviously none of them are right.

Oh, and I was "playing with fire" and nearly burnt the house down...only not. lol. The only thing that got singed were the angel wings on my dresser. I wounder if I can clean them with oxi-clean or something? I don't know...i don't even know if we have any left. I suppose if I am trying to cast a spell to attract love that it is a good sign that it tried to burn out of control on friday. lol. I also learned something very improtant...our fire alarms don't work. :/ Need to fix that. (BTW, no one in my family knows that I almost set my room on fire...so don't tell them. lol)

I still don't have a job. My dad has gone this week from thinking that I should be a truck driver to now thinking I should move to New Zealand and become a Call Girl. My mom thinks I need to be either a personal assistant or a kept woman. I really just want to not have to worry about all of this crap. All I really wan is to be creative with my artwork and writing. All of the stress is choking my muse. I don't know. Life is hard and strange and in the end I'm not sure any of it really matters. I'm not sure what to think about my parents wanting me to be a whore for a living. I'm sure things will work themselves out in one way or another.

From July17

It has been a weird weekend and a really rough night. I felt I really needed to talk to someone so I called C. We got into a fight. He was so pissed off at me. I tried to calm him down, but he kept telling me about how worthless I am and finally just told me that I should do the world and himself a favor and slit me wrist. He was tired of my bitching and just wanted to get some sleep. He hung up on me.

I got really really upset. My dad is really worried about me now, but I'm obviously still alive and doing better.

C called back about a half an hour ago cry and said he was sorry. He said he still loves me. Wanted to know if I'd forgive him and if I hated him. I told him that I would forgive him, and that I didn't hate him. He asked if someday I'd still marry him and I gave him a doubtful "maybe". It is hard. Part of me still wants to love him, but I can't trust him. And he defiantly doesn't do anything for myself esteem. I need better than all of that. I don't know. Maybe I'm better off alone?

I should probably try to go get some sleep.

From July16

I was doing so well. Now I feel like I messed up. I feel depressed and ashamed. I really wish that Lindsey or Angela were around; I would really like a female friend who knows me and who could listen. I don't know. I really don't know.

From July 13

I just wanted to spread the excitement. I don't know if I said anything about how I'm going to be in a slasher flick, but I am. Anyway, the casting director, Neecie, is in talks with Tony Moran (The Original Michael Myers) for him and his wife to have a cameos! Isn't that awesome?

From July 11

Holy Crap it has been a crazy week or so. I find myself with a bit of time now to up-date, but truthfully I should be in bed. lol. I want to up-date, but won't go into much detail. Instead I'll write the cliff's notes of events.

Sunday, 7/2 - Went to a movie with James.

Monday, 7/3 - Hung out with Dustin. Went to a movie, had him teach me a bit about poker, and watched a video that taught me 'how to undress'.

Tuesday, 7/4 - My sister and Josh got into a huge fight. I think she might be pregnant, but she won't give me a straight answer, so who knows.
- Went over to Dustin's. Ate. Went to party at Sleeve's. Ran into Brent. It was cray. Fireworks went boom. People are fucking crzy...but they rock too.

Wednesday and Thursday - baby sat/caught up on sleep/dealt with my sister's BS

Friday - Baby sat in the morning while my sister was at court. Was suppose to hang out with Cory, but that fell through. Called Ryan, but didn't feel like going to the strip club, so I did some more of the sleeping thing.

Saturday - Hung out with Dustin. We went to a movie, toy shopping, and to his drummer's kids b-day party. I dropped him off at Sleeve's and headed off to the Alley cat. Hung out with Jason, Kyle, and Ryan. Kyle was having a bad night so I bought him a beer. Spent the night at Kyle's, but four people in a bed doesn't really work...

Sunday - mostly slept. There was a short break where I had to go home, but I did much sleeping.

Monday - Called a few places to follow up on the job hunt. Went through the phone book and Intake Magazine to come up with a list of numbers to call Tuesday. Ran around for my sister. She made me dizzy, not that I was feeling that well anyway. I went to three different places to find the exact cough drops she wanted. Talked to Carlos and Dustin on the phone.

I'm tired, but not. It sucks. I want to go to bed, but think I'd probably just end up watching re-runs of 'The X-files' like the dork I am.

woe is me...and all that jazz...

lilithsmoon — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 05:40:59 GMT

Random thoughts:

1. Is it sexier for a girl to know how to bartend or poll dance...I keep thinking the answer to that should be obvious (poll dance) but then I think about it...in thirty years is a man going to want his wife to shake her middle age ass on the pole for him or mix him up a mean drink?

2. Okay...so I was thinking about "The Omen" and how I want to go see the remake. Then I started thinking about "Rosemary's Baby" and wondering why they haven't remade that yet. Then my mind wondered and I decided that if Rosemary would have just stayed cool about the whole having the antichrist thing, she couldn't have probably had some sweet benefits.

I mean, personally, if I was in her position I would sit down and be like "Look, Satan. I know you really aren't giving me much of a choice on this whole having your baby thing. But you are a busy man..guy...demon...and no one will ever take care of a child like his mother. So here is the deal I have to offer. I'll raise our son, and you give me a supreme deal while I'm alive. Health, dental. Hell...I want to be queen of the world once our sun takes over and have random hot people fan me with feathers and feed me grapes. oh...and once I die...I want choice real estate in hell. I want to have a nice view. And I'd like a supervisor gig, I want to be over seeing the infliction pain not receiving it. Okay? Because if I'm going to make a deal with you and bear your son and all I'd rather not spend all of eternity being ass raped by a red hot poker. So...Satan, what do you think?"

3. I'm trying to make my cat not quite so fat and I'd like for her to please stop acting like I'm starving her...and to stop trying to eat my curtains. I feel bad that I'm not feeding her as much, but cats aren't suppose to weigh 20 lbs.

4. Porn...that is it...just...porn...lol

5. There is probably something else I'd like to write, but I can't think because I'm tired and should be in bed. However, once I post this and go up to bed I probably won't be able to sleep because I'll remember what else I wanted to write.

lilithsmoon — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 00:13:50 GMT

Sometime on Saturday I'm suppose to be trying out for a Horror movie. I talked to Neecie, and she's not sure what I NEED for the audition, but thought it would be a good idea if I prepared a horror monologue. I know all of these are from 'horror' movies but it was really hard to find them. I came up with 9 that I think I could make work and would like opinions. Any help will earn you my love.

*kisses*
Rai

(1)The Blair Witch Project
written by Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sanchez

(from the Sundance Film Festival version of the movie)
Heather: I just want to apologize to Mike's mom and Josh's mom and my mom and I'm sorry to everyone. I was very naive. (looks away from camera, scared) I was very naive and very stupid and I shouldn't have put other people in danger for something that was all about me and my selfish motives. I'm so sorry for everything that has happened because in spite of what Mike says now it is my fault. Because it was my project and I insisted on everything. I insisted we weren't lost. I insisted we keep going. I insisted we walk south. Everything had to be my way and this is where we've ended up. And it's all because of me we're here now hungry and cold and hunted. I love you mom and dad. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to hurt any one and I hope that's clear. (begins to hyperventilate) I am so scared. What was that? I'm scared to close my eyes and I'm scared to open them. I'm going to die out here. Every night we just wait for them to come. (breaks down and sobs)

(2)"M"
written by Paul Falkenberg, Egon Jacobson, Adolf Jansen, Fritz Lang, Karl Vash, & Thea von Harbou

Hans Breckert: What do you know about it? Who are you anyway? Who are you? Criminals. Are you proud of yourselves? Proud of breaking safes or cheating at cards, things you can just as well keep your fingers off. You wouldn't need to do all that if you'd learn a proper trade. Or if you'd work but if you weren't a bunch of lazy bastards ... but I -- I can't help myself -- I have no control over this. This evil thing inside me, the fire, the voices, the torment! Its there all the time -- driving me to wander the streets, following me silently, but I can feel it there -- it's me, pursuing myself -- I want to escape, to escape from myself but it's impossible ... I can't escape, I have to obey it, I have to run endless streets -- I want to escape, to get away and I'm pursued by ghosts -- ghosts of mothers and of those children, they never leave me, they are there, always there, always, always except when I do it -- when I ... then I can't remember anything and afterwards I see those posters and read what I've done. Did I do that? But I can't remember anything about it, but who will believe me? Who knows what its like to be me? How I'm forced to act -- how I must-- must-- don't want to -- but must -- and then a voice screams -- I can't bear to hear it -- I can't go on, I can't go on ....

(3)Just Mother
written by Joseph Stefano, from the novel by Robert Bloch

Mother: It's sad when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put him away now, as I should have, years ago. He was always bad and in the end, he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man. As if I could do anything except just sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds. Oh, they know I can't even move a finger and I won't. I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even gonna swat that fly. I hope they are watching. They'll see. They'll see and they'll know and they'll say, 'Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly.'

(4)Confession
written by Kevin Yagher & Andrew Kevin Walker, from the short story by Washington Irving

Lady Van Tassel: I lived with my father and mother and my sister in a gamekeeper's cottage not far from here... Until one day, my father died, and the landlord who received many years of loyal service from my parents... evicted us. No one in this God-fearing town would take us in... because my mother was suspected of witchcraft... She was no witch, but I believe she knew much that lies under the surface of life... and she schooled her daughters well while we lived as outcasts in the Western Woods. She died within a year... and my sister and I remained in our refuge, seeing not a soul... until, gathering firewood one day, we crossed the path of the Hessian...I saw his death, and from that moment...I offered my soul to Satan if he would raise the Hessian from the grave to avenge me.
~~Katrina: Avenge you?~~
Lady Van Tassel: Against Van Garrett, who evicted my family, against Baltus Van Tassel who, with wife and simpering girlchild, stole our home. I swore I would make myself mistress of all they had... The easiest part was the first - to enter your house as your mother's sick nurse and put her body into the grave, and my own into the marriage bed. Not quite so easy was to secure my legacy... but lust delivered Reverend Steenwyck into my power. Fear did the same for the Notary Hardenbrook. The drunken Philipse succumbed for a share of the proceeds, and the Doctor's silence I exchanged for my complicity in his fornications with the servant girl Sarah...

(5)Vertigo
written by Samuel A. Taylor & Alec Coppel

(Judy (aka Madeleine) sits down to write Scottie just a few moments after he, bewildered and still grasping at his sanity, has left his apartment)
Judy: Dearest Scottie. And so you found me. This is the moment that I dreaded and hoped for, wondering what I would say and do if I ever saw you again. I wanted so to see you again just once. Now I'll go, and you can give up your search. I want you to have peace of mind. You've nothing to blame yourself for. You were the victim. I was the tool and you the victim of Gavin Elster's plan to murder his wife. He chose me to play the part because I looked like her. He dressed me up like her. He was quite safe because she lived in the country and rarely came to town. He chose you to be the witness to a suicide. The Carlotta story was part real, part invented...to make you testify that Madeleine wanted to kill herself. He knew of your illness. He knew you'd never get the stairs to the tower. He planned it so well. He made no mistakes. I made the mistake. I fell in love. That wasn't part of the plan. I'm still in love with you, and I want you so to love me. If I had the nerve, I'd stay and lie...hoping that I could make you love me again...as I am, for myself, and so forget the other and forget the past. But...I don't know whether I have the nerve to try.
(She stands. And very deliberately, Judy tears up the letter and puts away her clothes and the suitcase)

(6)The Witches of Eastwick
written by Michael Cristofer, from novel by John Updike

Alex: Are you trying to seduce me? Well, I have to admit that I appreciate your directness, Darryl, and I will try to be as direct and honest with you as I possibly can be. I think-no, I am positive-that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time we've been together you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor, and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick. Goodbye, Darryl, and thank you for a lovely lunch.

(7)Curse of the Cat People
written by DeWitt Bodeen

Julia Farren: On the dark nights, on the stormy nights, you can hear him. He passes like the wind, and the flapping and fluttering of his great cloak, beating like gaunt wings, and the thunder of his horses' hooves is loud... and loud... and louder! At the midnight hour, down the road that leads to Sleepy Hollow, across the bridge, he goes galloping, galloping, galloping, always searching, always seeking. And if you stand on the bridge at the wrong hour, the hour when he rides by, his great cloak sweeps 'round you! He swings you to his saddle-bow and then forever you must ride. And always his cold arms around you, clasping you into the cavity of his bony chest. And then, forever, you must ride, and ride, and ride -- with the Headless Horseman.

(8)The Nature of the Spirits
written by Steven Spielberg, Michael Grais & Mark Victor

Tangina: Will you all come on in? Gather round. [Everyone gathers around Tangina] There is no death. There is only a transition to a different sphere of consciousness. Carol Anne is not like those she's with. She is a living presence in their spiritual earthbound plain. They are attracted to the one thing about her that is different from themselves - her lifeforce. It is very strong. It gives off its own illumination. It is a light that implies life and memory of love and home and earthly pleasures, something they desperately desire but can't have anymore. Right now, she's the closest thing to that, and that is a terrible distraction from the real LIGHT that has finally come for them. You understand me? These souls, who for whatever reason are not at rest, are also not aware that they have passed on. They're not part of consciousness as we know it. They linger in a perpetual dreamstate, a nightmare from which they can not awake. Inside the spectral light is salvation, a window to the next plain. They must pass through this membrane where friends are waiting to guide them to new destinies. Carol Anne must help them cross over, and she will only hear her mother's voice. Now hold on to yourselves. [Tangina's tone becomes more cautious] There's one more thing. A terrible presence is in there with her. So much rage, so much betrayal, I've never sensed anything like it. I don't know what hovers over this house, but it was strong enough to punch a hole into this world and take your daughter away from you. It keeps Carol Anne very close to it and away from the spectral light. It LIES to her, it tells her things only a child could understand. It has been using her to restrain the others. To her, it simply IS another child. To us, it is the BEAST. Now, let's go get your daughter.

(9)The Devil's Advocate (1997)

Denunciation of God

Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off. He's a tight-ass. He's a sadist. He's an absentee landlord. Worship that? Never.

lilithsmoon — Sat, 10 Jun 2006 23:45:41 GMT

I want to write up what I thought of the three movies I've seen this week, only am feeling a lack of motivation. I think I want to watch King Kong again before I write anything up. And The Producers and The De Vinci Code I think I need more thought...

...so what is my cure for this? I go out and rent to more movies (Ella Enchanted and Princess Diaries 2), get pop corn, and pop, and plan on having a fun night with my sister and her step children....

lilithsmoon — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 17:17:44 GMT

When she's not pissing me off, Angelica makes me laugh so hard. We came from the same womb so we kind of have the same sense of humor. This morning we were watching 'Wonder Pets' on Nick Jr. Or more correctly we were making fun of it. Ming-ming is this little duckling that we decided that is a little slow. I was teasing Angelica about the wonder pets be an equal opportunity employer. And the wonder pets were skating in a figure eight and Ming-ming goes "wow...I can't even count that high." We both about lost it. So now we decided it would be more PC if instead of calling people 'slow' or 'retarded' to call them 'Ming-ming'.

Angelica cracks me up. She asked, "I wonder if her name is really Ming-ming or if that is just how she said it and it just stuck" And later she looked at me with a straight face and said "We all have our Ming-ming moments." I just about died.

Despite the normal bickering we have, I love my sister. She great!

****

On another note I've been wondering about the nature of good and evil. I've been wondering about these in reference to my own natures. Sometimes I'll be driving down the road on a rainy day and I'll see someone walking out in the down pour. I usually want to pull over and offer them a ride. I think of it and I want to, but I never do. Or for another example I'll see an old woman mowing her lawn on a hot day and I'll feel bad that she doesn't have anyone to help her. I want to help, but I never do.

Now, Does the fact I even think about helping make me a good person? Or does the fact that I know I should, but don't make me a bad person? I clearly seem to know what would be the right or at least the nice thing to do, but I never do it. Does this mean I don't care, or does it just mean that the media has instilled in me a certain paranoia of strangers?

On the other hand I have really dark thoughts from time to time. I won't go into that, but I will say I never really follow through on those either.

So...is this normal human behavior or am I crazy?

****

World War III erupted in our house last night. Basically everyone is sick of just about everyone else. Josh and Angelica are sick of Each other. Angelica is sick of the kids and doing stuff for them when she doesn't get any appreciation. Daddy is sick of everyone being a mooch. And I...I just hid in my room.

Everyone is right. I need to get out of the house. I'm not exactly sure why I'm afraid to make the first move to get out on my own. It is like everything in side of me is yelling at me to take control, to escape, to fly, but it is like there is something pushing down on me. Holding me down. It pushed down on my shoulders, and holds me around my chest and won't let me move.

I've always done everything late. Not to say I'm a Ming-ming, I'm just very sustained (that is my story and i'm sticking to it). I never do anything till I feel that I NEED to do so. I was born late. I learned to ride my bike and tie my shoes late. I guess I'm just getting away from home late, too.

However, from past experience, once I do something. Make up my mind to do it and actually...do it, I always do it peacefully, painlessly, and with success. I was born two weeks late, but when my mom did go in to labor it wasn't bad for her. She was falling asleep between contractions, and when I was born I didn't cry. Almost all babies cry, but I didn't. When I set out to learn how to ride my bike I just did it. Without help. Mostly because I was upset that my little sister learned before me, but still. I taught myself in a day. So maybe once whatever part of me holds me back, realizes that not only do I want to move on with my life, but I NEED to move on with it, I'll go and do well. I just need to figure out how to make myself realize that. Well...I realize it, but this part of me doesn't? I don't know.

****

Oh yeah...I got my meds and am feeling much better now...

I still need to call Angela, and I might want to call Carlos, too.

****

And one more thing...

My last rule to dating/love...

Love has no rules. You have to be prepared to throw out everything you say you'd never do for true love. ;)

lilithsmoon — Sat, 20 May 2006 12:57:38 GMT

I won't
- Date anyone shorter than me in high heels (He must be approx. 6")
- Date anyone who is bald
- Date people who's names begin with "J" (I've had way to many J names already...)
- Date someone who doesn't like animals
- Date anyone who belittles me
- Date someone who comes on too strong (I spoke easily)
- Date someone hasn't graduated from High School (At least some college is preferred)
- Date someone who is too W.A.S.P.y
- Date anyone who isn't at least a little open minded
- Date someone who I can't learn something from

I will, but would rather not and usually won't
- Date anyone younger me
- Date anyone who has the same name as someone I've previously dated. (Ex. My first boyfriends name was Ian, so I probably won't date any one else named Ian.)

TBC...I'm sure.

lilithsmoon — Sat, 20 May 2006 00:52:57 GMT

The other day I walked out of my house. They had just cut the grass the day before. Right in front of the door was this perfect little diamond shape that made me jump. I decided that it means that the devil is out to get me. Mostly me and not anyone else in the house because I'm the only one that uses the front door, everyone else uses the garage. I've made a little picture to show what it looked like. The green is the little clumps of chopped up grass and the grey is concrete.

I know my rantings seem crazy, but it really was too perfectly shaped to just be a fluke. Or at least I think so.

Lindsey and I were suppose to go see The De Vinci Code tonight, but I guess she forgot she had to work or something. lol. We might go tomorrow before the punk rock prom. If not, I'm not going to worry about it. I'll just call up my Grandma Dona. I know she'll go see it with me. ~~She'd probably pay, too.~~

So yeah, the punk rock prom is tomorrow night. I have my outfits narrowed down to three choices. I'll have to ask my sister which one she thinks will work best. Blah. Depending on which one it is I'm either going to paint my nails red or purple. All my black nail polish is gone and I really don't have the money to buy more now.

Lindsey's pug puppy is really cute...

I wish I could remember more of my dreams. Other people keep waking me up and I feel like I should be remembering something important, but can't because I woke up too fast. I know I had one the other night where I was just really pissed off at my dad, sister, and Zhonda. I will have one of those every once and awhile. I'll go around yelling at all of them to fuck off. I took a nap this afternoon and had a dream that I was angry at someone and my hair kept falling out. I'm pretty sure that has to be a vanity thing. Though usually when I have vanity dreams it is my teeth that are coming out and not my hair. hummm...

We went to the Peace corp meeting last night in Chicago. It is a long commitment. Six - 12 month application process, three months of training, and then two years of service. It does have lots of perks...and it isn't like I have anything else going for me at the moment. I need to do something that will help me find out who I am. Who is Rachel? Who is Rai? I used to think I knew, but now I have no clue.

I should call Angela.

I want to go see a psychic. I need to call and make an appointment tomorrow. I think that New Aged People is closed for the night already. I'm pretty sure it is, at least. I've decided I either want a clairvoyant reading or my astrology chart done. I'll have to see what can be done.

I think that is all at the moment.

Oh, almost every cat I've ever met has loved me right away. Even the ones that don't like hardly anyone else. Does that have something to do with the devil being out to get me? Or perhaps Bast just thinks I'm cool? I don't know.

lilithsmoon — Wed, 03 May 2006 21:06:44 GMT

I don't know why, but this week I've been in such a fog. Like I feel dirty and slimy even when I take more than one shower a day. My teeth feel funny even after I brush them...and I just over all feel like static in time or something. Somehow I feel like the channels on the tv that are all fuzzy. And I keep randomly getting confused by it. I don't know. It may be a mixture of sinuses and PMS? I have no idea.

I think I will start phase two of becoming a vegetarian today. I've already got mammals cut out of my diet successfully. Now I'm going to try and get poultry cut out of my diet. Wish me luck.

I'm bored...my dad is gone for a week. He came into my room and gave me a pocket knife. He said his dad had given it to him. I thought for a second it would be a touching moment...and then he said that I could use it to pull weeds. lol. I'm bored enough that pulling weeds might actually be fun for like...fifteen minutes.

lilithsmoon — Mon, 01 May 2006 18:23:48 GMT

That is Lindsey on the left and me looking like a fat drag queen on the right. I still say that punk rock night rules.

lilithsmoon — Sun, 30 Apr 2006 09:04:00 GMT

Punk Rock Night at the Melody Inn rocks my sox. I am so tired right now. My ears are ringing from the music being so loud and I can barely keep my eyes open. Let alone avoid typing like a novice. lol. type type type backspace type type type...

Anyway. I tried to go to bed but I am too wound up to sleep. Besides the ringing in my ears is worse than an alarm clock.

So, I didn't get to make out with any hot punk guys...but I did get to make eye contact with a few hotties. I hate being shy. I wish I could get up the nerve to just walk up to someone I think is hot and say, "My name is Rai...blah blah blah." It hardly ever works that way. I usually end up having a good time though. I'll talk to people who come up to me or dance by myself. I don't care. lol.

I guess I rock. I got told I was rocked more than once tonight. I lost my train of thought...lol...so...I guess...I'll just write that I feel pretty...???

There was this lady there who I guess is a professional dominatrix. We were wondering just how does one go about deciding and becoming a professional dominatrix. Like you wake up one day and think "hummm...I hate my job. I think I should kick ass for a living...yeah...that sounds good." I asked Lindsey's friend Jo, and she said she'd ask her....she'll also ask her if she needed any apprentices. lol. We'll see.

Oh. And I guess some guy was hitting on this girl and the girl's girlfriend had a problem with it and beat his ass. They took the guy out side for awhile and when he came in his shirt was blood stained. I am not a violent person, but I can not say how thrilled I was to see a bar fight. Because it really isn't a true punk rock night unless someone leaves bleeding.

Oh...I remember what I was going to say when I lost my train of thought. Lindsey's friend, Jo, thinks that I look like Fairuza Balk. I seem to go through phases where everyone I run into thinks I look like a celebrity. First people thought I looked like Winona Ryder (Lydia), then people started to tell me I looked like Bettie Page, the past few years it has been Liv Tyler, and now I seem to be slipping into a phase where people think I look like Fairuza Balk. I rather just look like Rai...

Soooo...sleepy.

I need to buy some new black nail polish. Maybe that will be part of my quest for tomorrow?

Guys who wear eye-liner are hot.

I have degenerated to random thoughts.

I have been having fond memories of the day I realized that I was Bi-sexual. I was maybe 12-13ish and in girl scout camp. One of the camp counsels was a really hot exchange student from Sweden. I would pretend to get heat stroke and pass out just so she'd hold me in her lap and wipe my forehead with a cool cloth. Was that creepy of me? lol

Okay...I think I need to quit now.

lilithsmoon — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 14:52:54 GMT

I got like no sleep last night. Thank god for Caffeine.

I woke up this morning and I was like, "mmmm...my pillow is so soft...and squishy." and then I realized I had rolled over and was laying on Lilly's but again. I shouldn't be so hard on her. Since we have started to let her run around the house she has lost 1 1/2lbs. I'm proud of her....although she did pee on me again the other morning. I am not sure what that was about...but with the way her luck is running thin I rather her pee on me, who will forgive her, than pee anywhere else in the house, where others will not. *Knock on wood*

My Dad called my Mom to ask her if she'd pay to have me committed. I think she laughed at him and told him I needed Medicaid or something. She doesn't think I need in patient help any more...she just thinks I need someone to talk to at times, to go out and get a life, and to get laid. Yes. My mom has actually told me she thinks I need to go have sex. She thinks it will make me feel better or something.

I told Lindsey about the whole phone call my dad made to my mom and she laughed. I told her I wouldn't want to be locked away if I couldn't use the internet when I wanted. She smirked and told me I should do interviews. "What is your food like? Do you have comfy beds? Can I use the internet?" lol. She said that the only think is that I would have to deal with crazy people everyday. I said "Dude, I already deal with crazy people everyday." She admitted that that was a good point. I told her that I didn't think I wanted to be on a 'crazy' holiday or anything if I didn't have anyone to take care of Lilly for me. she told me to tell them that...and she was sure they would lock me away for sure. What is wrong with loving my kitty like a little baby?

Nothing much has happened. Really. I've been pretty bored. Maybe a little depressed though I can't figure out why. I've been taking my happy drugs. I think I really know I need and want a job, but am some how afraid of something. I will make plans to go out job hunting in the morning, but when the morning comes though my brain is screaming at me to get up, I somehow can't manage to get my body to move. I try but I am so afraid of something that I physically can't bring myself to get out of bed. My dad told me that I won't be able to face whatever it is staying in the house all day. I know that. But somehow it doesn't make it any easier.

Oh. I got a speeding ticket. I speed. Nothing new there. I felt bad when I told my dad. Not because I got the ticket, but because I know things are bad and money is tight at the moment. He was upset. But the next day our internet connection was shut off for most of the day. I love it how whenever I do anything stupid, my sister and/or her posse top it. Cassie (Baby's mama) had racked up a $400 phone bill in collect calls talking to her boyfriend and her father in jail. I am glad that wasn't my fault. And I'm glad our connection is up and running. I was so weird all that day. On-line is like my crack. lol. I need my daily fix.

I need to ask my sister to stop smoking around me. I started to cough last night and Lindsey's boyfriend, Mike, asked me if I smoke. It is pretty bad when you are getting a smokers cough and you don't even smoke.

Lindsey moved into her new house. It is really really awesome. But I think the basement is evil. I don't know. For some reason Lindsey, My sister, and I all have a weird fear of basements in general.

Lindsey, Mike and I are suppose to go to "Punk Rock" night next Saturday. I hope we do. I need to find a sexy punk/goth boy to make out with and chase away my blues.

lilithsmoon — Thu, 30 Mar 2006 02:13:36 GMT

Okay...I feel like this is going to be a long entry, but if it isn't, don't be disappointed. For some reason I feel like I NEED to update, but I am also feeling a little spacey. I'm not sure why. I think I just need to eat some *real* food. Fooood...gooood. All I've had all day is one bowl of cereal and it is almost 9pm. I don't have the eating habits of a pro. I'm sorry.

Last week was not one of my better weeks ever. I got fired from my job. As if that isn't bad enough, I got fired for the most retarded reason I've ever heard of...I put a baby bottle in a microwave. Okay, so I know technically you are not suppose to do that. But this mother came in and she wanted her bottle heated up. She didn't want to pay fifty cents for hot water, so she asked me if I could put it in the microwave for 10 seconds. I did. For ten seconds. I thought I was helping her out. And I got fired for it. They said that we could get sued for that. I was all O_o; okay?

The worst part is that I had to tell my dad and he was really really pissed. Mostly because my sister hasn't held a job since November and now I don't have one any more either. I told him I would look for one, but my sister and the kids put a time crunch on the usage of the car.

Angelica keeps telling me she'll go to Day Furs to sell the coat that Lindsey's mom gave me. I need the money. I have bills. I have all kinds of bills. I have bills coming out the ass. My point has been made. They shut off my cell phone. I really need to pay that bill. I'm tired of not having a cell phone. I also really need to pay off my damn Credit Card. I really don't think it is fair they charge me all these fees, when they don't even send me a bill to tell me when my money is due.

I went to the modeling job on Sunday. It was a dud. I showed up and everyone at the Convention Center downtown treated me like I was a crazy. I guess there was nothing...NOTHING scheduled for Sunday. I thought I should be upset about all this. I mean...I was excited about becoming a 'model' and getting money...but I really wasn't upset. I was actually frighteningly calm. I left the Convention Center, stopped at the drug store, bought a new pair of tweezers and a bottle of Tylenol PM, then came home. Not how I would behave if I were upset...I don't know. I scared myself a little.

*thinks*

I guess Angelica and Cassie got in a bitch fight. I guess my sister grabbed Cassie by her hair and started to pound her in the face. So...obviously Cassie has moved out. I'm glad it is way to cramped here. Cassie tried to say that she wasn't ever going to let Josh see his kids ever again, but they are already back here. I am torn about how I feel about that. I miss them when they are gone, but I know how to enjoy the silence.

*thinks some more*

Oh...My best friend in the whole entire world, Angela, sent me a really nifty package. Last time I talk to her she was telling me that she thought I needed to get in contact with my inner bear spirit. She sent me a package with a necklace with a bear claw on it. Both my parents asked me the same thing, "Did Angela kill a bear?"...and to both of them I replied, "I sure hope not." I worry about her enough without her putting herself up against Bears. I'm already worried she's going to fall off a mountain and break her little neck.

She also sent me a few other things. She game me a crystal charm, a bracket that she made herself out of Amethyst, Pearl, and silver beads, and a brand new picture of herself. Her boyfriend is in the picture. I can't tell if I think he's cute or not. He has on sunglasses and a hat and you can't really see him that well. He makes her happy, so I approve of him. Despite what she thinks I don't hate all men.

I've been using the bear claw necklace to do some meditating. I always just see the same thing. I try to concentrate on this bear everyone keeps saying that I have, but instead the first thing I see is a dove. It flaps about in the darkness for a moment before it lands on the left side of a stags set of antlers. For a moment the stag and I just look at each other, than he lead me through the woods, up over a little hill to a cave. Only about ten - twenty feet deep or so. Inside is the bear and it is sleeping. I sit in the grass and watch her breath. In and out. So far she hasn't woken up. And the stag won't let me do anything to wake her up. I suppose that it isn't smart to shake even a spirit bear awake. I don't know. It is weird. In my vision sometimes I get bored and just begin to play with the grass around me. I'm not sure what any of this means. I wish I could talk to Angela...but they turned my cell phone off, and Colorado is long distance other wise. :(

I really think that is about all I have to say. If I think of anything else I suppose I will write another entry. lol. Sounds like a plan.