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Sunday, November 30th, 2008
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8:58 am
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To the Man in my Dreams,
I dreamed about you again last night. I dream of many people, but you are the only one I can't explain. I've been having dreams about you for years with no explanation why. I'm not sure I'll ever get one. However, I woke up with the foolish hope that one day you would read this and know who that I am speaking of you. I had the thought that perhaps two people could share dreams. I doubt it, but the way the mind works is still somewhat of a mystery. Many may say that we can't share dreams, but who could prove it? With so many people in the world some dreams, just like thoughts, are bound to overlap. *sigh* Now you probably think I'm either crazy or stupid or both. Maybe you already think that of me. I'd like to think I'm not stupid, but I can't prove I'm not crazy.
I don't know how I feel about you in the real world. I must care enough to write this. Or perhaps this is a vain attempt to reach out to any feeling of love, even if it is only in my dreams. So, I guess, I can't say how I really feel about you in the real world. In my dreams, I know I love you more than air. In the waking world the only person I know for a fact I love is my darling little Drake.
If you know me or think you do, you probably think I'm lazy. I'm sorry. When I sleep, when I dream I have (or at least fell I have) a importance. In my dreams I have the power to make a change, I am recognized,and I have you. Can you blame me for wanting to sleep when I wake up to a life I'm not sure how else to escape? I love Drake. I wouldn't give him up for the whole world. I just don't know how to change everything else. I don't know how to escape myself or at least who I am at the moment. I think I could be a wonderful, productive and even important person if I could only escape certain tenancies about myself. I'm trapped. I don't know how to become freed. Once again I apologize if you think of me as lazy.
You may think I'm stupid. I don't think I am. I won't deny I have a level of ignorance, but doesn't everyone? Ignorance (and brains) is what makes learning possible. You have to not know something to learn it. I love to learn things. I love to read. I may be ignorant and at times I may be terribly naive, but I'd like for you to know I am not stupid.
Last night, in my dreams. I was telling you about some manga I've never even heard about. I was explain about how two of the characters were brothers and one of the brothers was in love with the other one. I told you about another character who made it a love triangle. You were probably as disinterested in my dream as you are now. You weren't really interested in what I was saying, but you were interested that I was saying it. I realized that you weren't really caring that much about what I was talking about. Embarrassed I muttered something about how Half Prince books was a good place to buy manga. You lay your head on my chest and I kissed the top of your head.
I must return to the real world now. Be well in life and in your dreams...
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| Wednesday, May 28th, 2008
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10:16 am
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I just had a dream that Kip cheated on me. In the Kip had invited one of his old female friends over to watch a movie. I didn't know what really happened once she left, but I bluffed that I did. The feeling was there that he'd done something so I told him that I'd caught a glimpse and was so hurt I walked away without doing anything. I kept it vague since I didn't really know exactly what he had done if any thing at all. In the dream he confessed to me that she'd given him a BJ. He'd invited her over with the semi-intent of doing something with her. He knew it was wrong but one thing lead to another. He said he used (his charm person) feat on her. (D&D reference). Anyway I went to his parents and told them I didn't know where to go but I couldn't be around Kip any more and I wanted to take the baby with me. They asked me where I was going to go and my best bet was to my dad's. I woke up rather tense.
I have been having tons of anxiety dreams like this. Dreams where Kip cheats on me, or we get in a huge fight...etc. In all of them I take the baby and leave. I don't know what is going on. They are not with my depression, though, perhaps they are part of it. I don't know. All I know is that I think I need to talk to someone to get this worked out. I don't know what is going on. If they are just dreams caused by anxiety or if my subconscious is trying to tell me something. :(
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| Thursday, January 31st, 2008
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5:06 pm
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| Monday, January 7th, 2008
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11:16 am
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I'm not going to write a long entry now. I've been keeping a journal on a pad of paper since I've been in and out of the hospital. I will transpose it later, when I have more time. Right now I've just popped on while I have a few minutes to start my book list for 2008. Tammers and Jeia do it and it seems like a fun thing. However last years book read was a rather shamefully low number. This year has, most fortunately, gotten of to a better start.
1. Witch Child by Celia Rees ( p.260)
2. Sorceress by Celia Rees ( p. 342)
3. Peter Pan by J.M. Berrie (p. 221)
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| Saturday, December 22nd, 2007
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1:30 am
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I should be sleeping, but my head was running in circles. There is only one thing for me to do when I have thoughts racing through my brain, put them down in an update. It helps me clear my head.
I ended up going back to the hospital. I went in the 8th, they sent me home. They said I had a bladder infection. I went back in on the 10th. They said I was fine and sent me home. On the 12th I was throwing up again, had a fever and was in much pain. I passed out twice at home and was very confused by the spells, so I went back to the hospital. This time they decided to keep me. They did a biopsy of my colon on the 14. I still don't have the results back yet. I won't know now till after Christmas. :( I want to know so they can start to treat me for what ever is wrong. I am tired of being sick and in pain. It, as they say, sucks. On Tuesday the 14th, I came home. They wanted to keep me longer, but I asked to come home because I missed my baby and my boy. Besides, they weren't really doing much more for me there then I can do for myself at home.
While I was in the hospital it snowed. I got really depressed that day. I felt like the snow was a curtain falling down between Drake and me. I had told them not to come visit me if the roads were bad. However, it wasn't as bad as the weatherpeople were predicting and I did get to see my baby.
I finished the book I was working on, The Shadow Realm, and read two others while I was in the hospital: Blood Price and On a Pale Horse. I liked them both. Physically I feel like shit, but mentally I'm feeling much sharper then I have been.
Every time I go to the hospital I come home with so many bruises that it looks like the nurses were beating me. Both my arms are covered in either purple and blue or green and yellow marks. I told my Grandma Dona that I had so many green marks I was beginning to look like the Grinch.
Other...humm...I had this dream that Hilary Clinton won the right to run as the Democratic candidate, and Obama was going to run as her vice president. However, they both died in a plain crash so they just replaced them with Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog. Miss Piggy 2008!
Drake is now 25 inches and 14 lbs 3 ounces. He is very healthy (if I haven't said that already). He has started to eat baby rice cereal. and really likes it when you bounce him up and down. It makes him laugh when you blow raspberries at him. One of his favorite things to do is be pulled up to standing by his hands. He's only three months and can't really do much, but he is just as cute as a button.
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| Thursday, September 27th, 2007
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11:10 pm
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| Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
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12:43 pm
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I think I'm about on my last straw. The feeling that I was just about through with the way Kip is behaving has been there for awhile. However, it really settled in last night. He had me so upset that I had one of those half sleepless, restless nights. One of those nights where you are in so much mental turmoil that you spend the hours not really asleep, but not really awake either. I'm tired of the way Kip makes me feel. He makes me feel unattractive and disposable. The way he talks to me makes me feel like a bad person. None of the choices I've had to make in the past few months have been easy ones, but I tried my best to do what I thought was the right thing to do. No, not the easy thing, but the right thing.
I've been working hard to try and earn money to start getting myself back on my feet. I've been irresponsible in the past with money; though I know I can't go back and fix every thing, I am trying to make up for what I can. I've been working even though I feel like carp. Yet, now, when we go out, Kip won't pay for hardly anything. I end up picking up the bill. Even when we agree before hand to split the bill, when it come time to pay he suddenly doesn't have enough. This wouldn't bother me so much. I don't mind paying, especially when it was my idea to go out. However, I am trying to save up money and pay off bills. I have things I want, that I need. It would me nice if he'd quit being moody and started working again, too. Some of the places we've gone to have been pricey.
He does and says things that hurt me. I know that he doesn't mean me ill (most of the time), but it is not helping me much. He tells me he wishes everyday that I'll loose the baby. And that he never really wanted to have sex with me the night I got pregnant, that I coerced him into having sex with him. When we run into people on the street that he knows he'll never introduce me. I feel like he's so ashamed of me. It hurts so much, I can hardly stand it. Being pregnant is hard enough without having to deal without having to deal with a father-of-the-child that isn't supportive.
And yet, after all that I know he doesn't want me to leave. Whenever I bring up that I am thinking about going to stay someplace else, or something like that, he clings to me like a child being dropped off on the first day of school. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to come up with a solution that will be best for everyone (Kip, the baby, and I). I don't want to hurt anyone. I know he's going through a really rough spot with this, and I've tried to be supportive. I just can't do it any more, I don't think. I've been having a really hard time, too. I'm tired of feeling alone, like it doesn't make a difference to him how upset I am. I want him to be happy, but I can't go on being unhappy at the cost of trying to make him happy. It just isn't working. I know all of that...and am still hesitant to leave...I really don't know what I am going to do...
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| Monday, March 5th, 2007
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2:06 pm
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If it isn't one thing it is another. I think I'm going to ask the social worker at the clinic I am going to if she can help me find a new place to live/stay. Kip is doing much better, but for some reason I just don't feel comfortable living here. The only time I get to see him is when I need something from him, other than that he is always playing Warcraft. I can't stand being second to a game. There are many things I could stand to come in second to, but a video game is not one of them.
On top of that I need to find someplace to put my cat. I can't have her here. Kip's cat is territorial. But my sister is saying that Lilly pissed on her bed. It is something that I can believe that Lilly would do, but she is blaming her without any proof it was actually here. Whenever any of the cats do anything (besides throw up) it is always blamed on Lilly. Anyway, Angelica is saying she's going to take my cat to the humane society or let her b/f kill it. I don't know what to do. I got kicked out so his kids could have my room, now they are trying to off my cat? :(
I had a bad dream the other night that Kip's friend Beth came over and attacked me with a knife. She was upset because I was keeping Kip and her apart and she had decided that they were destined to be together. I kept screaming for Kip to come help me but he wanted to make sure that he was in a good place with his Warcraft quest. By the time he came to save me, Beth had already stabbed me to death. I told him about it and it said that it was creepy because it sounds something like Beth might do. He was disappointed with the view of him my subconscious has.
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| Friday, February 23rd, 2007
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8:09 am
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Yesterday I was looking at Kip's Myspace profile and under children it says that he doesn't want any. I know it has probably been like that for a bit, but I also know that it wasn't like that before I was pregnant. He waited until I was already going to have his baby to switch his profile to say he didn't want kids. It is probably trivial, but it still hurts.
He also stayed up late last night playing Warcraft when he knew he had to drive me to an appointment this morning. I would drive myself, but I've been having vision problems. If he doesn't get up, then he's clearly chosen warcraft over me and I need to make arrangements to have someone help me move all of my stuff out. The problem is that I really don't have anywhere else to go.
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| Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
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2:57 pm
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This entry will probably be short, but my mom thinks that with me being so emotional lately that trying to keep up with my journal is a very good thing. It is just getting harder. I feel like I throw up ever fifth or sixth meal I eat. I know I'm loosing wait. They have tracked that at the doctors office. I've lost almost 10 pounds. They said that sometimes it is normal to start loosing before you start gaining when you are pregnant. I don't know. Even though I'm loosing wait, I'm not getting any thinner. Actually, the only things I can get to fit me are sweat pants, jogging pants, and PJ bottoms. No normal pants fit me any more.
Mostly getting sick/ loosing wait is affecting how strong I feel. Or rather, how weak I feel. I feel frail. It is hard for me to sit or stand for long with out my legs starting to hurt or feeling weak and dizzy. I'm so tired of laying around in bed, though; my neck and back are really beginning to hurt.
All of this is frustrating and making me really depressed and moody. I'm afraid to feel happy about the baby, so I keep switching between anger, depression, and being really nervous. Despite how horrible I feel like I'm being, Kip seems to be coming around a little more. He's being helpful. He's trying to be attentive. If I am crying he'll come comfort me. If I'm hungry he often brings me food. I'm proud of him. (But I'm almost afraid to say all this. I'm afraid to jinx a good thing.)
I'm beginning to get woozy so I'm going to go lay down.
But before I go I have to say one thing. I'm getting sick and tired of hearing about Anna Nicole Smith.
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2:56 pm
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Kip thinks it would be a good idea for me to start RPing again. My game didn't go anywhere, so I was wondering if someone could help me find a game or two... Here are the thoughts I have...
- some dark fantasy kind of like Midian (Vampires, fays, witches, etc.)
- something where the characters could have superpowers (maybe something based around X-men or Heroes?)
- Maybe I'm ready to start play HP games again, Marauder era preferred
Original characters preferred, but if not I can work around it. I'm also open to other ideas...
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| Friday, December 29th, 2006
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7:23 pm
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I guess I'll start here. It seems as good as place as any...
I've started a new game, or rather, am trying to start a new game. I need Members first. lol. The link is here ====> http://www.greatestjournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=atlantean_ooc
I'm having trouble getting people to join. I'm not really quite sure why. I think I have some ideas but I'm not sure. Partly, I think some people are burnt out because Midian had such a long horrid death. I don't know. Part of me thinks that no one is wanting to apply because they don't want to be the first person to apply. lol. Kip hasn't applied yet because..well...he's a little lazy. He says he is going to or thinking about it or something. I don't know. I try to give all his games a fair chance. I wish he'd do the same for me. Sammy said she'd join...but maybe not. I don't know...and Chris doesn't want to join because there are no Original Characters allowed. Maybe I need another game. Or to adjust the game if what I want doesn't work out. Anyway. I'd love to play with anyone who wants to join.
<3 Rai
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| Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
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3:41 pm - Mass update part Two
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3:35 pm - Mass Update
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| Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
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1:37 am
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Random thoughts:
1. Is it sexier for a girl to know how to bartend or poll dance...I keep thinking the answer to that should be obvious (poll dance) but then I think about it...in thirty years is a man going to want his wife to shake her middle age ass on the pole for him or mix him up a mean drink?
2. Okay...so I was thinking about "The Omen" and how I want to go see the remake. Then I started thinking about "Rosemary's Baby" and wondering why they haven't remade that yet. Then my mind wondered and I decided that if Rosemary would have just stayed cool about the whole having the antichrist thing, she couldn't have probably had some sweet benefits.
I mean, personally, if I was in her position I would sit down and be like "Look, Satan. I know you really aren't giving me much of a choice on this whole having your baby thing. But you are a busy man..guy...demon...and no one will ever take care of a child like his mother. So here is the deal I have to offer. I'll raise our son, and you give me a supreme deal while I'm alive. Health, dental. Hell...I want to be queen of the world once our sun takes over and have random hot people fan me with feathers and feed me grapes. oh...and once I die...I want choice real estate in hell. I want to have a nice view. And I'd like a supervisor gig, I want to be over seeing the infliction pain not receiving it. Okay? Because if I'm going to make a deal with you and bear your son and all I'd rather not spend all of eternity being ass raped by a red hot poker. So...Satan, what do you think?"
3. I'm trying to make my cat not quite so fat and I'd like for her to please stop acting like I'm starving her...and to stop trying to eat my curtains. I feel bad that I'm not feeding her as much, but cats aren't suppose to weigh 20 lbs.
4. Porn...that is it...just...porn...lol
5. There is probably something else I'd like to write, but I can't think because I'm tired and should be in bed. However, once I post this and go up to bed I probably won't be able to sleep because I'll remember what else I wanted to write.
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| Monday, June 19th, 2006
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8:10 pm
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| Saturday, June 10th, 2006
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7:41 pm
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I want to write up what I thought of the three movies I've seen this week, only am feeling a lack of motivation. I think I want to watch King Kong again before I write anything up. And The Producers and The De Vinci Code I think I need more thought...
...so what is my cure for this? I go out and rent to more movies (Ella Enchanted and Princess Diaries 2), get pop corn, and pop, and plan on having a fun night with my sister and her step children....
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| Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
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1:15 pm
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When she's not pissing me off, Angelica makes me laugh so hard. We came from the same womb so we kind of have the same sense of humor. This morning we were watching 'Wonder Pets' on Nick Jr. Or more correctly we were making fun of it. Ming-ming is this little duckling that we decided that is a little slow. I was teasing Angelica about the wonder pets be an equal opportunity employer. And the wonder pets were skating in a figure eight and Ming-ming goes "wow...I can't even count that high." We both about lost it. So now we decided it would be more PC if instead of calling people 'slow' or 'retarded' to call them 'Ming-ming'.
Angelica cracks me up. She asked, "I wonder if her name is really Ming-ming or if that is just how she said it and it just stuck" And later she looked at me with a straight face and said "We all have our Ming-ming moments." I just about died.
Despite the normal bickering we have, I love my sister. She great!
****
On another note I've been wondering about the nature of good and evil. I've been wondering about these in reference to my own natures. Sometimes I'll be driving down the road on a rainy day and I'll see someone walking out in the down pour. I usually want to pull over and offer them a ride. I think of it and I want to, but I never do. Or for another example I'll see an old woman mowing her lawn on a hot day and I'll feel bad that she doesn't have anyone to help her. I want to help, but I never do.
Now, Does the fact I even think about helping make me a good person? Or does the fact that I know I should, but don't make me a bad person? I clearly seem to know what would be the right or at least the nice thing to do, but I never do it. Does this mean I don't care, or does it just mean that the media has instilled in me a certain paranoia of strangers?
On the other hand I have really dark thoughts from time to time. I won't go into that, but I will say I never really follow through on those either.
So...is this normal human behavior or am I crazy?
****
World War III erupted in our house last night. Basically everyone is sick of just about everyone else. Josh and Angelica are sick of Each other. Angelica is sick of the kids and doing stuff for them when she doesn't get any appreciation. Daddy is sick of everyone being a mooch. And I...I just hid in my room.
Everyone is right. I need to get out of the house. I'm not exactly sure why I'm afraid to make the first move to get out on my own. It is like everything in side of me is yelling at me to take control, to escape, to fly, but it is like there is something pushing down on me. Holding me down. It pushed down on my shoulders, and holds me around my chest and won't let me move.
I've always done everything late. Not to say I'm a Ming-ming, I'm just very sustained (that is my story and i'm sticking to it). I never do anything till I feel that I NEED to do so. I was born late. I learned to ride my bike and tie my shoes late. I guess I'm just getting away from home late, too.
However, from past experience, once I do something. Make up my mind to do it and actually...do it, I always do it peacefully, painlessly, and with success. I was born two weeks late, but when my mom did go in to labor it wasn't bad for her. She was falling asleep between contractions, and when I was born I didn't cry. Almost all babies cry, but I didn't. When I set out to learn how to ride my bike I just did it. Without help. Mostly because I was upset that my little sister learned before me, but still. I taught myself in a day. So maybe once whatever part of me holds me back, realizes that not only do I want to move on with my life, but I NEED to move on with it, I'll go and do well. I just need to figure out how to make myself realize that. Well...I realize it, but this part of me doesn't? I don't know.
****
Oh yeah...I got my meds and am feeling much better now...
I still need to call Angela, and I might want to call Carlos, too.
****
And one more thing...
My last rule to dating/love...
Love has no rules. You have to be prepared to throw out everything you say you'd never do for true love. ;)
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| Saturday, May 20th, 2006
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8:55 am
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| Friday, May 19th, 2006
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8:50 pm
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The other day I walked out of my house. They had just cut the grass the day before. Right in front of the door was this perfect little diamond shape that made me jump. I decided that it means that the devil is out to get me. Mostly me and not anyone else in the house because I'm the only one that uses the front door, everyone else uses the garage. I've made a little picture to show what it looked like. The green is the little clumps of chopped up grass and the grey is concrete.
( The Devil is out to get meCollapse )
I know my rantings seem crazy, but it really was too perfectly shaped to just be a fluke. Or at least I think so.
Lindsey and I were suppose to go see The De Vinci Code tonight, but I guess she forgot she had to work or something. lol. We might go tomorrow before the punk rock prom. If not, I'm not going to worry about it. I'll just call up my Grandma Dona. I know she'll go see it with me. She'd probably pay, too.
So yeah, the punk rock prom is tomorrow night. I have my outfits narrowed down to three choices. I'll have to ask my sister which one she thinks will work best. Blah. Depending on which one it is I'm either going to paint my nails red or purple. All my black nail polish is gone and I really don't have the money to buy more now.
Lindsey's pug puppy is really cute...
I wish I could remember more of my dreams. Other people keep waking me up and I feel like I should be remembering something important, but can't because I woke up too fast. I know I had one the other night where I was just really pissed off at my dad, sister, and Zhonda. I will have one of those every once and awhile. I'll go around yelling at all of them to fuck off. I took a nap this afternoon and had a dream that I was angry at someone and my hair kept falling out. I'm pretty sure that has to be a vanity thing. Though usually when I have vanity dreams it is my teeth that are coming out and not my hair. hummm...
We went to the Peace corp meeting last night in Chicago. It is a long commitment. Six - 12 month application process, three months of training, and then two years of service. It does have lots of perks...and it isn't like I have anything else going for me at the moment. I need to do something that will help me find out who I am. Who is Rachel? Who is Rai? I used to think I knew, but now I have no clue.
I should call Angela.
I want to go see a psychic. I need to call and make an appointment tomorrow. I think that New Aged People is closed for the night already. I'm pretty sure it is, at least. I've decided I either want a clairvoyant reading or my astrology chart done. I'll have to see what can be done.
I think that is all at the moment.
Oh, almost every cat I've ever met has loved me right away. Even the ones that don't like hardly anyone else. Does that have something to do with the devil being out to get me? Or perhaps Bast just thinks I'm cool? I don't know.
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