The Book of Love

icons (iv)

2011-06-10T15:18:51Z

This is not even worth a post but eh,

+ please comment, credit, etc.

icons (iii)

2011-04-24T19:25:59Z

comment, credit, etc etc

icons (ii)

2011-02-08T01:04:37Z

+ comment/credit pls?

icons.

2011-01-27T13:30:59Z

+comment/credit pls?

you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get

2010-12-08T20:58:37Z

So, this is purely indulgent on my part because I love, more than anything, talking about things I love. Though I suppose it could be used for educational/informative purposes as well - like, if you can't be bothered to watch football but for some reason have always wanted to get into football RPF. I don't know. Maybe everyone should just ignore me /end self-pitying and begin slash-yness. Stevie and Xabi are pretty established when it comes to football otps though - so maybe this can be like a refresher course for some? I know they've been around for years and they depress a lot of people but but but LET US REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES, ETC, ETC?

Steven Gerrard - Captain of Liverpool FC and Vice-Captain of the England National Team; Xabi Alonso - Real Madrid midfielder and I don't actually know who the Vice-Captain of Spain is but I'm sure Xabi is considered as 'a senior player'

I feel like at this point I should get out some FIFA stats and talk about Xabi's pass completion rate and the number of goals Steven Gerrard has scored from outside the box. But I wont do that. Xabi is a centre midfielder and I'm pretty sure that if you ask Stevie what position he plays, he'd say the same but I don't necessarily think that's the case. But whatever (that's a completely different argument - trying to figure out what steven gerrard's best position is in a team is legit like beating a dead horse over and over again), for all extensive purposes: they play in the same position.

Can't Go Back Now - The Weepies This is my S/X tune and I know it's a little depressing and perhaps not representative of their relationship in it's entirety but it fits.

i) Before The Beginning
ii) The Summer of 2004
iii) The Beginning
iv) A Season on the Brink
v) They'll Name a City After Us
vi) The Steven Gerrard Transfer Saga
vii) The Rafalution
viii) The Adopted Son They Couldn't Drive Away
ix) Proof
x) The End

i) BEFORE THE BEGINNING

Both Xabi and Stevie broke into the first team at their respective childhood clubs - in Stevie's case: Liverpool, and in Xabi's case: Real Sociedad. They both debuted at the age of 18 (note: stevie is one year older than xabi) Xabi went on loan to a smaller club for a little while, Stevie helped Liverpool win the treble in 2001 and after doing things like scoring against Germany, would eventually be hailed as ~the future of england's golden generation~ (the golden generation that has won fuck all, thanks guys)

While Stevie went through drama with injuries and the bones in his back, Xabi was made captain at the sweet, tender age of 19 to a struggling Real Sociedad side. Amazingly enough, Xabi flourished and through his captaincy the side even managed to qualify for the CL and finish 2nd place in La Liga. Xabi was at once hailed for his acheivement and ended up getting to play for the National Team. A similar situation would mirror itself in Liverpool's 03/04 season when Stevie was made captain at the age of 23. He dragged a really bad (when I mean bad, I mean: EUUUUGH BAD) Liverpool side to 4th place in the league and CL qualification. With the Liverpool side looking pretty pathetic and useless at this point in time, the current manager (Gerard Houllier) was fired and replaced. MEANWHILE IN SPAIN: Things weren't looking to great for Real Sociedad either after finishing towards the bottom of La Liga and despite Xabi's love for the club that had nurtured him, he began to look for a move.

~~CHANGE WAS ON ITS WAY~~

DA DA DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM

ii) THE SUMMER OF 2004

The summer of 2004 involved an immense amount of drama. EUROS!!! Both Stevie and Xabi played for England and Spain respectively though I doubt any clandestine, accidental meeting took place. It was also around this time that Mourinho became manager at Chelsea and the club kept trying to buy Stevie. There was a lot of fancy, illegal tapping up going on. Because Stevie was more or less stuck in one place with Lampard and JT and they would go on about how brilliant Chelsea was because of all the money they had now and all the players that were coming in and their fancy new manager and they made it sound sooo exciting and Stevie probably looked at the state of Liverpool at that point in time and felt a little depressed. ANYWAY, according to Stevie, all reports of him leaving for Chelsea in 2004 were rumour and conjecture. Still. Lots of speculation went on about his future and that of his friend and fellow ~golden generation engurland superstah~ Michael Owen.

MICHAEL AND MIKEL

Xabi and Stevie both grew up playing alongside their close friends Mikel Arteta and Michael Owen. Michael Owen broke through to Liverpool's first team before Stevie did and at the time he was a much, much bigger deal. I mean, of course Stevie looked like a new and exciting prospect but Michael had like, the heart of the entire English nation. So, in that respect Stevie was under his shadow for a little bit but they struck up an amazing midfield/striker partnership which was definitely a factor in Liverpool's successes early in the decade. Playing with Michael meant a lot to Stevie, I think. He is not someone who enjoys change a lot - especially in respect to people. I don't think he's quick to give compliments or is easily trusting, so I do feel he gets affected when he grows attached to something and then it gets taken away. PSYCHOANALYSIS PART I.

Mikel did not play with Xabi at Real Sociedad but he did sign on to in 2004! I suppose they would have run the midfield together but alas, poor Mikel, it was not to be. He would eventually end up in Liverpool (the city, not the club) when he signed for the Blueshite/Everton. Now, I dislike Everton tremendously and it is annoying when Arteta scores against us but I admire his loyalty to the club so, so, so much. He has now been at Everton, longer than Xabi ever was at Liverpool (lol spoiler alert) and the only reason he moved in the first place was because Xabi convinced him to!

Anyway, the Euros came and went with little success for England or Spain. Rafa Benitez was appointed as the new Liverpool manager. After many rumors, it was finally confirmed that Stevie would be staying for the upcoming 04/05 season. Rafa also tried to convince Michael to stay but he decided that he wanted to leave and moved to Real Madrid. Rafa went about attempting to build a squad and sold Stevie's best friend Danny Murphy to another English club (completely understandable because Danny Murphy is really not that good and he was a bit of deadweight at that point) Having sold one midfielder and coupled with all the rumors of Stevie possibly leaving, Rafa felt that it was best to buy another quality CM. Hmm... I WONDER WHO WAS AVAILABLE IN THE MARKET AT THE TIME??!

~Meanwhile in Spain: Xabi Alonso was the new shiny thing that everyone had to have and it appeared that a number of clubs ranging from Real Madrid to Arsenal were interested. In August 2004, he made his decision and said goodbye to Real Sociedad.

iii) THE BEGINNING

"...it was the club, the history. I had no hesitation in choosing Liverpool" - Xabi Alonso

"Within twenty minutes of Xabi's first training session at Melwood, I thought to myself, ''Top signing. Pure class. Touch, vision, the creative works.' I looked forward to playing alongside him" - Steven Gerrard

I always get confused when I try to sort out Stevie's initial immediate feelings/reaction to Xabi. A part of me can't help but think that he must have felt at least a little threatened and intimidated as well as resentful. Danny got kicked out of the team to make way for Xabi. Xabi's mere presence meant more competition for the CM spot. So. I don't know.

A couple of years before this, Stevie did an interview where he was asked what he was afraid of and he said he was scared of not achieving what he thinks he is capable of achieving - which I suppose could sound obnoxious to some but it just depresses me really. That kind of mentality was never more evident than it was in 04/05. The speculation about him leaving for Chelsea that had begun in the Euros would follow him for the rest of the coming season

"I have trained every day and every day I realise how good the players are, particularly Steven Gerrard. I see how the fans love him, and they are right because he is a very special player" - Xabi Alonso

iv) A SEASON ON THE BRINK

You know I look at Spurs now and how well they're doing in the CL and it is, I think, sliiightly reminiscent of Liverpool in the 04/05 season. Not their way of play but, their dramatic comebacks and how surprisingly well they're doing in the CL, being underdogs. JUST WATCH: I BET YOU THEY WILL SOMEHOW END UP WINNING THE ENTIRE THING. And then the first club from London to win the CL wont be Arsenal and it wont be Chelsea, it'll be Spurs. Eugh. But all that is besides the point: the point is - this season was wonderful and exhilarating and such an awesome rush. Liverpool didn't do brilliantly in the League but it's so difficult to be genuinely upset when you're team has shiny 'ol big ears to hold aloft.

Also! Also! There is a myth I would like to dispel. Fandom often appears to have the urge to romanticize Stevie and Xabi's midfield partnership or they deem it better than it actually is which like, fair enough, but while they are both very good individual players, as a duo, I don't really think they were anything to write home about. Xabi has formed much more effective partnerships with people like Mascherano and Momo Sissoko while Stevie is better playing further up the field. I suppose this is subject to debate but it's something I don't mind talking about and I don't think it takes away from their otp-ness.

Obviously they still had a valid impact on each other's games. Xabi's vision and his long-range passing were vital to Stevie's attack and allowed him to be as effective and dangerous as he was just outside the penalty area. It's interesting because Xabi is so painfully slow and Stevie is really fast and good at covering large areas of space in a short amount of time. And Xabi's game is all about intelligence and approaching the sport like an artist whereas Stevie's is more physical dynamism and harder, faster, stronger. IT'S A PRETTY CONTRAST NO? It's probably why the 'if Steven Gerrard's the heart of the team, then Xabi Alonso's the brain' comment is so fitting.

Ok, ok, ok BUT what is most interesting about Stevie and Xabi is their relationship on a psychological level (this sounds more srs bzns than it actually is). Because 23 is a pretty young age for someone to become captain. Especially to a club like Liverpool at a time when they were floundering and the city, the fans have such huge expectations and everyone always wants to win because it's expected of a club of this calibre. But Stevie was made captain, I assume, because he was a 'local lad' and it was thought it would improve his game and tbh back then (in 03/04) he was doing most of the work for the rest of the team anyway. So when Xabi came (Xabi, who had captained his club at 19 and led with unbelievable maturity) it was to a club with a captain who was still a little immature, who was struggling with losing his friends, who had a slightly strained relationship with the manager. And I do think Xabi played a significant part in helping Stevie grow into his captaincy because he was there - at the beginning, when it was still wonky and still being figured out. And when Stevie would get frustrated about the direction Liverpool was going in, Xabi would tell him to be patient and that it would happen eventually, Liverpool would win things eventually - and they did.

After numerous dramatic matches, injuries, a bumpy season in the league; Liverpool reached the semi-finals of the Champions League where they were drawn against Chelsea. Xabi was carded in the first leg and thus suspended from the home-tie at Anfield. There isn't a clip of it on youtube but the card was completely and totally unjustified. Mourinho knew that Xabi was already on a yellow so I don't think it's a huge leap to suggest that he wanted to ensure Xabi got another which meant he wouldn't get to play in the next, decisive game.

The only disappointment came when the referee, Alan Sars, booked Xabi for a challenge on Eidur Gudjohnsen, which ruled Xabi out of the Anfield return. What really angered us was that Gudjohnsen clearly conned Sars. He dived. No question about it.

‘I never touched him,’ Xabi said in the dressing-room afterwards.

‘Don’t worry, Xabi,’ I replied. ‘We’ll get through. We’ll beat Chelsea. We’ll sort Gudjohnsen out for you. Join us in the final.’

But Xabi was inconsolable, close to tears. He loves playing and felt bitter resentment towards Gudjohnsen. We all did. Xabi is a huge player for Liverpool, and a really popular guy, and a big match like Chelsea at home was made for a midfielder of Xabi’s class. We read all the allegations in the papers that Gudjohnsen told Xabi he knew he was on a booking. True or not, that fired us up even more. Chelsea were going to fucking well get it at Anfield

- Steven Gerrard

[I suppose Xabi doesn't weep in dressing rooms anymore since he now does weird-ass dances in order to purposely get booked (LOL OH I WENT THERE JK JK JK)]

In the end, Xabi not being a part of the match didn't matter - Liverpool won and Chelsea lost and we were going to the final and Maureen could suck it.

To say the boys were pleased would be putting it lightly

v) THEY'LL NAME A CITY AFTER US

"I don't know what he will do next season but winning the Champions League might help us keep him. It would surely be easier for him to decide he should stay. I hope it works out, because I like playing with great players and that is how I would describe Stevie" - Xabi Alonso

Do I even need to talk about Istanbul and it's significane? I love this compilation of the final. I think it really brings out the essence of what the game meant and every feeling surrounding it. Stevie scored a header and then won Xabi's penalty which he scored on the rebound. Good times.

Post-penalty pow-wow! I congratulate Milan on his successful Stevie/Xabi smushing. I so desperately wish there was audio for this moment - I think above any other point in time, I want to know what was said here. Oh well! And then we won and everyone knows what happens next:

Gratuitous, lulzy, cheesy music but please make not of the hand on the back of Stevie's neck as well as all nuzzling/ear-biting/whatever is going on.

©thedinklebergs

[FAST-FORWARD OVER 5 YEARS LATER:

Embedding is disabled; watch here

Interviewer: We're going to change the subject from a violent moment to a romantic one: your kiss with Gerrard. It was so beautiful! I hope you tell me you've celebrated better on other ocassions.
Xabi: Well, it was a spur of the moment thing, but I think it's just a funny anecdote, he came to me...
Interviewer: Keep in mind it was him.
Xabi: But well, I answered.
Interviewer: Would you do something like that again?
Xabi: No, you don't prepare for that kind of thing

OF ALL THE QUESTION TO ASK, OF ALL THE SUBJECTS ONE COULD BROACH - not that I'm not appreciative but I feel like there must have been some fandom god looking down on me for this to have happened. A+ interviewer, A+++. I also like that she doesn't even have to mention when it happened or the circumstances surrounding it. Xabi's immediately like: LOL OH NO.]

Frame-by-frame hugging! Or bouncing! Whatever it is they're doing! You know after you score a goal and you celebrate and people jump all over each other and it's perfectly normal because you've just scored a goal. Which is why off-pitch celebrating ala this is about 100% better because while their obviously euphoric, it's still random squishing on the sideline in the midst of a bunch of different people.

THESE PICTURES REALLY DO NOT GET OLD, FYI. XABI, THE CUP IS NOT A HAT, ETC ETC. CAN WE JUST LIVE IN THIS GLORIOUS PERIOD OF TIME FOREVER AND EVER? Also, Stevie and Xabi were roommates in Istanbul - this would have been the perfect ending to an amazeballs Champions League campaign but Stevie ruins it in his book by specifically mentioning how Xabi did NOT spend the night in their room and talking about how he took the European Cup to bed with him and kissed it and held it and made sweet sweet love to it (ok, he didn't actually say 80% of that but seriously, he might as well have)

"How can I leave after a night like this?" - Steven Gerrard

vi) THE STEVEN GERRARD TRANSFER SAGA

Chelsea Fail in £32m Gerrard Bid
lol, contemplating completely skipping over this part. Dark, dark, dark times. Speculation over Stevie leaving continued pretty much throughout the 04/05 season and then reached it's climax after Istanbul when a new contract still wasn't signed. Heh, Wayne Rooney ain't got nothing on this kind of prolonged drama. I won't talk about reasons for leaving or what went on behind the scenes. Steven Gerrard did effectively hand in a transfer request saying he wanted to leave Liverpool. Here is a brief history of what went down with Stevie's statement on leaving et al. At the time, I'm pretty sure £32m was the most amount of money ever spent on an English player(Maybe it still is? How much did Citeh pay for Milner?). The day after Stevie confirmed he was leaving, he decided to stay and everyone went WHAAAAAT and it was all very dramatic.

He offered to give up the captaincy but Rafa said that after talking to several players and discussing it, he decided that Stevie should keep it.
He also asked Rafa if he could apologise to the team in private

Anyway, at a time when assumedly everyone in the world should have been angry/disappointed in him:

"It is great news for everyone in Liverpool. Stevie is everything, a symbol for the team and although nobody is indispensable we would have started the new campaign on the wrong foot. Gerrard is wanted by all and I do not believe that it was a question of money for all those involved. These last few days the team did not train with the same joy but now I have noticed the spirit is back." - Xabi Alonso

vii) THE RAFALUTION

The next four season at Liverpool were not perfect but there was always a common thread of joy, always something building. I LOVE the '06 FA Cup win.

The Luton match on the road to the final is one of my favourites ever and is filled with a glorious amount of S/X.

The best part of the entire thing is Stevie shouting at Xabi for not passing to him while simultaneously watching the ball go into the net. And the fact that Xabi runs up to hug him regardless.

"Stevie Gerrard was shouting at me, saying I should have passed, but when he saw it go in he changed his mind and started applauding! After the game, he was laughing about it and congratulated me. After all, you don’t see goals from inside your own half too often" - Xabi Alonso

Xabi scored a similar goal(but better) the season after:

I think we must stop doing this chronologically because it's taking too long and this itself is already too long so: Liverpool get knocked out of the CL early to Benfica *weeps* but manage to make it into the Final in 2007 where they lose to Milan (of all the teams in Europe) A bunch of exciting things happen in between - everyone goes to Tokyo, party in gay bars, Craig Bellamy nearly kills JAR with a golf club, etc etc. Ooh! The 2006 World Cup happened. England and Spain were again unsuccessful - everyone wept.

"He's(Stevie) our reference in the team" - Xabi Alonso
[I LOVE THIS SO MUCH - XABI'S DICHOTOMY OF MANGLED ENGLISH AND ELOQUENCE OFTEN RESULTS RESULTS IN THE SWEETEST THINGS]

"I watch a lot of Spanish football on television and I cannot understand why Xabi is not one of the first names on their teamsheet. Obviously they have a lot of good midfielders in the likes of Baraja and Albelda, but Xabi is the best of them all. Everyone can see that he is a talented footballer" - Steven Gerrard

I wish these were shiny, HQ and untagged - I have ridiculous amounts of love for them. Speaking of things that need to have less tags: THIS. GRABBY HANDS. WHAT ARE THEY DOING

“What’s nice is that in our dressing room it’s not ‘England’ and ‘Spain’" - Xabi Alonso

I’m really looking forward to it. We have been speaking about the game at Melwood for a long time, as we are really excited about it. It is a big game, in a big stadium. Playing against Stevie will be exciting - Xabi Alonso

[Xabi Alonso and Steven Gerrard are never ever going to get to play against each other I swear]

VIIIIIIDEOS:

viii) THE ADOPTED SON THEY COULDN'T DRIVE AWAY

'The Adopted Son They Couldn't Drive Away' is the title of a piece on Xabi (with an interview) that The Guardian did in 2008. There should probably be a section entitled ~The Arrival of Fernando Torres~ but this is already the longest thing ever so: sorry Nando. Anyway, in the summer before the 07/08 season Liverpool did buy Fernando Torres and he was amazing. The team hadn't had a genuinely great, legitimate striker since Michael Owen's glory days. And just like Michael Owen, he was able to form a striking partnership with Stevie - one that became world renowned. But while their partnership flourished, Xabi's form wavered that season and suffered due to injury.

NOW.

Here's where things get messy. I'm going to gloss over this bit because it's not fun to talk about and this post is supposed to be FUN11!1!! Xabi and Rafa's relationship became quite agitated. Rafa tried to sell Xabi (not because of the state of their relationship) - and his reasons for doing so are understandable. Maybe not now with the kind of form Xabi is in and has been for the past 2 years but back then Rafa had to consider that he already had Mascherano and Lucas as midfielders. Masch was awesome, Lucas was young and promising and then there was... Gareth Bary who was the ~it thing. Rafa's record in Europe was amazing but there was huge pressure on him to deliver in the League as well and it seemed like Bary was just the person to do it. I know Stevie has been quoted as saying he'd love for Barry to come to Liverpool BUT BUT BUT BUT: He never spoke about it being at the expense of Xabi AAAAAND: What was he supposed to say??! Stevie has known Barry since they were like, 20. They're friends, he can't go "NO GARETH IS UNWELCOME"

Anyway, there were rumours of Arsenal and Juventus but deals fell through and Xabi ended up staying.

“I would like to say a word for Xabi, this has been a very difficult time for him right up to the transfer window shutting. He didn’t know whether he was coming or going, but he got man of the match against United today and that says a lot about him.” - Steven Gerrard

ix) PROOF

Arguably Liverpool's best players of the 08/09 season were Stevie and Xabi. It was an amazing, amazing season filled with heart and spirit and good football and teamwork and awesome matches and moments and gfjghgfkgjfd IT WAS FUN. It sounds so base to talk about it like this when it was such a high. It's so easy to think about 'what ifs' and how close we came to winning the League. I TRY NOT TO.

MEEP!!!

STEVEN GERRARD'S 100th GOAL!!! Sure has changed from the lanky kid at the top of the page huh?

ENDING CHELSEA'S UNDEFEATED RECORD AT HOME!!! BECAUSE XABI SCORED!!! WHY ARE THERE SO MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!

OTHER SHINY IMAGES!!! THIS IS SO LONG MY COMPUTER IS LEGIT DYING FROM THE WEIGHT OF IT, OR THE HEIGHT, WHATEVER.

The Blackburn game towards the end of the season is another favourite (not only because of the really good goals SURPRISINGLY) just for the stuff on the bench with Fernando moving seats and Xabi's comforting, pat-thing. (BEFORE I FORGET!! This video must be included. Stevie talking about Xabi and how important he is. Fluffy times)

©fygerlonso
AND THEN SUMMER CAME AND XABI ALONSO HANDED IN A TRANSFER REQUEST AND ASKED TO LEAVE. WOE. I TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING TO BE A FUN11!!1 POST.

x) THE END

I feel like Xabi's reasons for leaving have been speculated ad-nauseam and I don't want to get into it. I have my opinions and I should leave it at that. The fic All the Hearts in the World is a pretty good discussion of the whole ordeal. My favourite reason presented in fic is in Always Leaving, But. So, decide what you will. Let's just talk about the aftermath hmm?

"Devastated, yeah. Devastated. But there was nothing I could do about it. Xabi said a long time ago that he wanted another chapter in his career and finally he got it and his team-mates and the coaches couldn't stand in his way. We just have to say thanks and move forward without him. It's always going to be different when you lose one of the best players in the world," said Gerrard, "and people are finally realising that's what he is, on the back of his form for Real Madrid and the difference in us from last year. We've got other midfielders here doing a good job but it will take a while before Alonso's out of our system because he was such a top player... He was sometimes underrated when he was here because of the likes of Fernando Torres and that, but when you play with him and without him you realise how much he meant to you, both as a player and the team as a whole" - Steven Gerrard
[LOL, I love FourFourTwo's 'You're really gutted about this aren't you?' Like, I can imagine Stevie in a room dressed completely in black, unshaven and the interviewer keeps offering him coffee and cookies because he looks like he's on the verge of a break down heh. Well, at the very least they could sense he was sad!]

I think when you spend five significant years of your career playing with a specific type of player (and Xabi was very special in terms of his ability and what he could do) its like being doused with ice water when you have to figure out how not to. Steven Gerrard's form the year after Xabi left was horrible - probably the worst of his career. There were rumours of him being angry at Rafa and blaming him for Xabi leaving. I'm not saying Xabi leaving = Liverpool's failure. Different factors contributed to it; Stevie had to deal with a lot of injuries and family drama so. But yeah, like I said when I was talking about Michael leaving in 2004 - I don't thik Stevie is someone who likes change and I think he got really comfortable having Xabi there; not just the way he played but his leadership and his calmness and what he contributed to Stevie's development.

Anyhoo, with Liverpool finishing 7th in the League there were tons of rumours of Stevie leaving - specifically to Real Madrid (assumedly because Mourinho is always there and he's always trying to buy him or something or the two are inevitably linked IDK)

"We will see what happens, Steven is a legend at Liverpool and I have a lot of respect for Liverpool's fans and also the club, but it is clear that he's an awesome player. He has incredible quality." - Xabi Alonso

STEVIE DIDN'T LEAVE BECAUSE: L-O-L. But ooh, the World Cup!!!

"To play England in the World Cup final would be a sensational match because I believe both teams have so much threat going forward. For me, a World Cup final against England and great Liverpool players like Steven Gerrard would be very emotional for me. I played for many, many years at Liverpool and I have some great friends at the club who I still admire so much and are great opponents" - Xabi Alonso

I would just like to say that when Xabi said the above, Carra was still more or less in international ~retirement so I don't think anyone realistically thought he'd end up playing. Xabi has never played with Glen before. SO REALLY: the only Liverpool player he would have been playing against in the England team was STEVIE. I know he mentions him but I just thought I'd clarify because he could have picked another team with other previous/current teammates but HE DIDN'T. Oh and then Spain won.

Xabi came back to Anfield in December 2009 to watch the match against Arsenal and then again a few days ago against Aston Villa. Despite Stevie being injured, the two didn't sit next together. FAIL :/

AND THAT'S IT!!! Except not really, I've left numerous events and pictures and quotes out but LOOK AT HOW LONG THIS POST IS. I couldn't fit everything in. I hope Stevie and Xabi don't ~die~ the way all football ships inevitably do. They still seem to be going relatively strong fandom-wise despite living in different countries and stuff so!

Thought it would be a good idea to update the post if anything interesting came up so:

18/05/12:

FIC RECS:

Do Your Thing(Make My Body Sing)
Forgetting the Things We Know
5 times stevie didn't say 'i love you' & the one time he did
Where Love That Traveled Far Has Found Us
This is the Wonder That Keeps Stars Apart
Before Everything is Over
Midnight on the Halfway Line
Post-match Interview
Games and the Amusements of Mankind
If Somebody Speaks of Magnificent Things
Endlessly
Five Places Where Steven Gerrard Fell in Love with Xabi Alonso
World Cup
Not Yours
Open Your Eyes
Away With Words
All the Hearts in the World
Commonplace
Red and White
It's Not Like a Tree Where the Roots Have to End Somewhere
Beginnings
Two Years
Always Leaving, But
This is How Life Goes
Fundamental Forces
5 Times Stevie and Xabi Almost Got Caught
As the World Comes Down
Following Arrows
Pasaporte
City of Angels
+++MORE

credits: gettyimages, fygerlonso, propaganda-photo.com, stevieandxabi

Fic: The Way You Are - Part 2 (I)

2010-10-22T21:27:43Z

Title: The Way You Are
Fandom/Pairing: Football RPF; Steven Gerrard/Xabi Alonso
Rating: R
Length: 9,857 words
Summary: Part 2 of 2. High School AU. Steven Gerrard’s life is the definition of miserable before he meets Xabi Alonso. But not all of us are meant to be saved from circumstance.
A/N: I’m sorry this reads like a soap opera. All mistakes are my own, obviously none of this is true.
Part One is HERE

It’s cold outside and there is a faint drizzle but Xabi stands at the edge of the sea with his jeans rolled up to his knees. He hugs his jacket tighter to him and breathes in the familiar scent of home. It feels like the space inside his head is a cluttered mess. He feels stifled and he wants to be able to breathe again, wants this weight on his chest to disappear. But even as he stands on the beach where he has so often played football as a boy, Xabi cannot manage to push the events from that Christmas morning out of his mind.

“Xabier! What are you doing out there?” Xabi’s brother’s voice is carried away by the wind. He joins Xabi at the water’s edge and slings an arm around his shoulder, “You have been sulking since you got here. Is it that bad being home?”

“Of course not, Jon” Xabi tries to pass off coolly, “I just have a lot of things on my mind, you know. I will have a lot of work to do when I get back home”

“You mean, when you get back to Liverpool?”

“Yes, that is what I said” Xabi says, confused

Jon smiles knowingly before nudging Xabi gently in the side, “Lets go into the house. You can have a drink. You haven’t been drinking in England, have you? I know what the kids there are like!”

Xabi rolls his eyes but grins before saying, “You know me, Jon. All work and no play!”

“Ah, some things will never change my dear Xabier” Jon leads Xabi back inside and hands him a beer with a wink

Xabi uncaps the bottle and smiles wistfully at the people celebrating in his house. He has missed this: his parents, the smell of home-cooked Spanish food, Nagore… Nagore!

Xabi trips over his feet when he sees her and she laughs as she comes over to give him a hug.

“How much have you missed me?” she asks, placing a kiss on his cheek as he blushes slightly

“Unreasonable amounts” he responds and he takes her hand so he can lead her away from the noise and upstairs to the quiet of his old room

“Wow, this feels… different” she says, stepping over his suitcase and making space on his bed for her to sit

“It has been a long time” Xabi nods, feeling all too awkward all of a sudden – like his legs are too long for his body.

“How is Liverpool?” she asks eagerly and he shrugs, “Good. Cold. A lot of work”

Her eyes narrow at his short response and she studies him carefully, resting her chin on her hand, “What’s wrong Xabi?”

“Why would you think anything is wrong?” Xabi can’t help the nervous tone that slips into his voice

“Have you met a girl? Is that it? You can tell me, Xabi – it’s fine! I promise not to cry or get jealous or anything like that”

Xabi smiles once again at her warmth and enthusiasm. She is just as he remembered her. But how – how – can he tell her this? How can he say: Nagore, you and I were together for a long time but the other day I kissed a boy. I kissed him because I wanted to. Because sometimes I can’t breathe when I’m around him. And I don’t know how to deal with any of it. I didn’t know it was possible to feel the things that I keep feeling. How can he look her in the eye and say that?

He sighs and goes to sit beside her; rests his head on her shoulder, “Do you ever wish that we had stayed together?”

“Xabi…” she starts reluctantly

“No, I mean, I’m not saying we should get back together. Just… do you wonder, at all?”

She shrugs, “I don’t know. Would you hate me if I said ‘no’? I love you, Xabi but you and me – it wasn’t right, was it? At first, yes, I thought we had made a horrible mistake and I kept thinking I should call you and I would pretend we had never agreed to take a break and of course, you would just go along with it. You would pack a picnic basket and bring me flowers and we would do what we always do. But then… I moved on. When you were away, I went out on dates. I’m not with anyone at the moment but it was nice, you know. Different. But nice.” She gives his thigh a squeeze, “You will meet someone one day. I bet she will be blonde and have one of those horrible English accents”

Xabi chuckles, “You think?”

She nods assuredly before pulling him into a hug, “All in good time, Xabi”

He can only close his eyes and grip her tighter.

***

JANUARY

He has only been away for a week but Xabi greets the foggy Merseyside air with a smile. The concrete grey buildings that house the school’s boarders look like prison cells but Xabi trundles up the stairs to his room eagerly, lugging his bag alongside him. Its very early in the morning so he is surprised to see a figure slumped just outside his door next to a silver flask of what he assumes is coffee.

Xabi’s heart stops at the sight of Stevie asleep on his doorstep. His hair is mussed and there are circles beneath his eyes that tell of sleepless nights. Xabi prods Stevie gently with the toe of his foot and he jerks awake almost immediately.

“I’m up- I’m up- I’m up” he mutters dazedly before rubbing circles into his eyes. He blinks once or twice to adjust his eyesight to the morning light and then gasps when he realises Xabi is standing right in front of him, “Xabi!”, he jumps to his feet and the Spaniard cannot help but smirk slightly though his stomach feels like a caged butterfly nest.

“Stevie, what are you doing here?” he asks, sounding subdued and slightly afraid

Stevie gulps and wipes his hands against his jeans before continuing nervously, “Well, I didn’t know what day you were going to be back. Because- I mean- I knew you were leaving but I didn’t exactly… speak to you before you left so I wasn’t sure about timings and things so I slept here last night and the night before. I just… wanted to be here once you got back” Stevie’s eyes keep darting about as though he’s determined for his gaze to remain on anything but Xabi

Xabi’s mouth is open in shock, “You’ve been sleeping outside my door for the past two days? Are you insane?! Its freezing!”

Stevie turns a deep shade of red as he fists his hands inside the pockets of his jacket. He mumbles something before clearing his throat and looking Xabi straight in the eye, “Mate we need to… we need to talk”

Xabi feels his mouth go dry but he nods, “Come inside”

His room is spotless because of the clean-up he did before leaving so he tosses his bag in a corner and settles on his bed wearily. Stevie stands shiftily by the door, “How was Spain?”

Xabi cannot help but smile at Stevie’s attempt at normal conversation, “It was nice being back. But Stevie you wanted to talk and I think its best that we do that too so just… talk”

Stevie pauses and takes a deep breath, “Xabi, I’m crap at saying things and telling people how I’m feeling. Its why- Its why I like you so much because you just get it. And that’s the thing! This entire week: I’ve felt like utter shit and not just because of what happened on Christmas. I… I missed you, Xabi. For fucks sake, you were only gone for a bloody week. And I kept thinking: you need to think about how you’re gonna sort things out with Xabi once he gets back. But all I could think was… I miss him”

Xabi looks up in awe, “I missed you too, Stevie”

“And I don’t… I don’t want to lose your friendship and fuck, I know I sound like such a girl but can we still be friends? Is that ok?” Stevie bites his lip hard enough to draw blood

“Of course that’s ok” Xabi replies though his heart aches and he isn’t even sure why

Stevie exhales shakily and runs a hand through his hair, “Good.” Xabi gets up tentatively to give him a hug. Its awkward as they wrap their arms around each other and Stevie presses his nose into Xabi’s shoulder. They pull away slightly and then – before Stevie even has time to grasp what he’s about to do – he smashes his mouth against Xabi’s. Xabi gasps as Stevie gives him a bruising, passionate kiss. He twines his fingers through Stevie’s hair to tug him even closer as they move against each other and break - breathless and panting.

“God, I’ve wanted to do that so badly” Stevie whispers, he feels dizzy and high and drunk and-

“Really? You’re not going to run away screaming like a crazy person again?” Xabi sniggers despite himself. Stevie’s lips are just a few inches away and he’s desperate to press his own against them again

“I’m sorry”, Stevie closes his eyes and presses his forehead against Xabi’s, “I was scared. I’ve never felt like this – about anyone, let alone another bloke”

Xabi pulls away so he can look Stevie directly in the eye, “You think I have? Stevie, this is completely new to me too. I’m just as scared as you. But I know- I want you. It scares me how much I want you”

Stevie kisses him again then – a quick flurry pressed hard against his lips and then he buries his face in the crook of Xabi’s neck so he can whisper against the skin there, “So how does this work, then? Do I ask you out? Do I need to call beforehand and say ‘Xabi, would you like to see a movie with me?’”

Xabi laughs and pets Stevie’s hair gently before easing away from him, “Maybe we just keep doing what we’ve been doing all this time. Except now I get to do this…” he leans forward and nips at Stevie’s lower lip with his teeth, “whenever I want to”

Stevie grins, “That is a good plan.”

“Right?”

The school’s football field is slicked with rain. The school team had attempted to train on it when it began to pelt down heavily, soaking all the players through their shirts. They had headed inside the gym to play on the hard wooden floor with their obviously bored coach too busy flipping through a magazine to referee. Xabi tackles Stevie and he comes down hard, bringing Xabi down with him. They fall on top of one another in a pile with an emphatic OOMPH.

“Get off me” Stevie murmurs mildly as Xabi sprawls over him, faces dangerously close

“I like being on top of you” Xabi whispers teasingly

Stevie chuckles, “You’re so fucking cheesy” Xabi sticks his tongue out in response and Stevie has to resist the urge to bite it.

“What are you two doing?” Carra shouts from a corner of the room, “Get up! We’re in the middle of a game”

Xabi smirks before picking himself up and then giving Stevie a hand too. He can’t help the way he looks at him. He knows all the other guys are probably wondering what the fuck is going on but he cant be bothered to care. He loves their knowing glances, being able to graze Stevie’s bare skin with his fingers when no one is looking, Stevie’s whispered breath against his ear.

The coach lazily whistles to signal that the match is over and they should all shower and change. “Gerrard, Alonso, put the balls away!” he calls over his shoulder as he leaves

“Wanker” Stevie mutters under his breath while the others walk off and he and Xabi are left alone

Xabi glances around quickly to make sure no one is still there before stepping close to Stevie and playing with the drawstring at the front of his shorts, “Kiss me”

“What?!” Stevie almost squeaks, “Xabi, someone could see”

“I don’t care” Xabi whispers as he traces the line of Stevie’s nose with the tip of his own, “I want you to kiss me”

Stevie’s breath is already coming out in short pants as he sucks Xabi’s lower lip between his teeth, biting and then laving the puckered flesh. Xabi whimpers and kisses Stevie firmly, full on the mouth. He pulls away then at the sound of approaching footsteps, kissing Stevie softly on the jaw before completely stepping back

“You’re getting your rocks off on almost getting caught aren’t you?” Stevie asks

Xabi wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, “I have no idea what you’re talking about”

FEBRUARY

“My dad wont be back till morning as per usual so will you just relax?” Stevie shoves Xabi down onto his sofa and hands him a glass of wine

“I’m so confused right now” Xabi says as he sniffs at the red liquid as though he were an experienced connoisseur

“Well, I’m making you a meal and this is like, pre-supper drinks or whatever” Stevie scratches his head and Xabi grins adoringly at him

“Have you made me vol-au-vents as an appetizer?” he questions sweetly

“What?” Stevie asks flatly

“You’re so adorable” Xabi leans over to ruffle Stevie’s hair and he pouts in response

“Can you take this seriously Xabi?”

Xabi immediately straightens his face and attempts to stifle his giggles, “Of course, I’m sorry” He takes a very serious sip of wine

“Now, you sit there and I will check on the food” Stevie leaves for the kitchen and Xabi is stuck admiring his wine glass when he hears a shriek.

“What?! What?!” he cries, rushing into the kitchen to see if Stevie is standing on a chair cowering from a rat or in a similarly precarious situation

“The salmon is burnt!” Stevie wails, standing in front of the oven with his baking-gloves on

Xabi claps a hand over his mouth so he wont laugh but Stevie looks so despondent, it soon stops being funny.

“Stevie, I don’t care about the salmon” he says gently as helps the other boy scrape the black bits off the tray and into the bin

“But! But! I marinated it, Xabi! I looked at a recipe book which I had to dig up because my mother had buried them in the loft – clearly she thought we were sorted food-wise for some reason. And then I bought the right ingredients and I had to mix with my hands.” He wiggles his fingers and Xabi nods sympathetically, “And now! Now, there’s nothing to eat and this evening is ruined and I bought a bottle of wine for shit-all” Stevie pouts and Xabi strokes his back reassuringly

“You’re kind of amazing, you know that?”

“I’m really not!” he says woefully and Xabi laughs before picking up a tin

“How about this?”

Stevie wrinkles his nose, “You want to have baked beans for dinner?”

“Yep. I want to have baked beans with you. That’s the most important part”

“Sometimes you’re like a walking Disney advert, did you know?” Stevie takes the tin from him and begins to heat it up, then putting a few slices of bread to toast

Xabi shrugs, content and touched by all the trouble Stevie has gone through for him. He remembers his first time in this house – how chilly and unwelcoming it had felt. It feels different now. Stevie is different now.

They watch late-night football after they eat, side by side, each with a beer in hand. Half-way through a particularly boring Real Madrid match, Xabi reaches for Stevie’s hand – drawing circles with his thumb across the soft skin of his palm. He inches closer and begins to place open-mouthed kisses on Stevie’s neck. The other boy’s eyes flutter closed and he lets out a slow, breathy moan that speaks right to Xabi’s groin. Xabi kisses along Stevie’s neck till he reaches his jaw and then his lips – he places a chaste kiss at the edge of Stevie mouth and is greeted with a groan in response.

Stevie tugs him by the ankles so he lands flat on his back against the sofa and Xabi waits eagerly for Stevie to pounce but the other boy has gone quiet. He plays with Xabi’s belt for a few moments before saying softly, “Xabi…”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve never… with a boy, before. I haven’t-”

“I know. Me neither”

“Do y-you want to?”

Xabi sits up and pulls Stevie towards him by the collar of his shirt. He kisses him urgently and with everything he has inside him – every ounce of what he has felt for Stevie since he first saw him that night outside the club. Stevie moans and Xabi pulls away slightly.

Stevie’s eyes are glazed over with desire and his lips wet; Xabi’s heart is beating so fast he’s sure its about to catapult through his ribs. “I love you, Stevie” he breathes. He doesn’t know if this is the right moment of if there is a ‘right moment’ but it echoes through every nerve ending in his body – it makes him feel alive as though he has spent the last seventeen years in a trance.

Stevie swallows thickly, overcome by the emotion that seems to make his throat stick. He reaches out to trace Xabi’s cheekbones before kissing him again. He whispers “I love you too” into Xabi’s mouth.

And then he’s pulling him away from the sofa and into his room with his rickety, single unmade bed but it doesn’t matter – the colour of the walls, the size of the room – its all irrelevant except for the two of them: the rushed removal of clothes, lips skittering over naked skin, gentle touches that become more rough and urgent with every kiss and neither of them can manage to draw breath till they’re gasping against each other, panting with relief. Xabi is shaking and Stevie kisses every inch of his face gently to calm him down, soothing hands move up and down his arms; and Xabi clings, shaken by the force of what they have done and what it means. “I love you” Stevie repeats later as they kiss languidly. He’s never said the words to anyone else before and he likes the way they roll of his tongue, the way the syllables form and fit around his teeth.

Outside it is dark and every house is washed in dull shadow. Only one room is lit.

They lie in Xabi’s room one late afternoon with the sound of a storm brewing in the distance. Stevie is asleep on his front, half of the bed sheet strewn across his legs so his back and chest are exposed. Xabi watches him – memorises the speed of his breathing; he reaches out to trace Stevie’s shoulder blades and the line of his spine before pressing his lips softly to the nape of his neck. Stevie stirs before opening one eye and groggily asking for the time

“It’s almost five,” Xabi says as he sweeps a hand across Stevie’s back, “You know you always go to sleep after we have sex”

Stevie grins lazily and extends a hand so that he can brush his thumb against Xabi’s lower lip, “Well that’s because I have to do all of the work, don’t I?”

Xabi snorts and shifts closer to Stevie so their foreheads are pressed against each other. It is times like this when the outside world seems non-existent. They are here purely for this, their purpose – each other; a cocoon in time.

“Stevie…” Xabi whispers hesitantly, “When are we going to- stop hiding? I just hate feeling like this is some dirty little secret” He doesn’t like having to broach the topic when what they have going is so ridiculously good – he cannot help but want more: ever the hard-working perfectionist

Stevie nuzzles Xabi’s nose with his own, “I’m sorry. I know this is like, a shit situation that we’re in with everyone at school and the football team, our families, my dad” he swallows, “But if you could just… give me a little time, yeah? To figure it out?”

Xabi’s heart aches at the sight of the subtle desperation in Stevie’s eyes, “Its fine. I just want to be able to tell people: ‘This is Steven Gerrard. He’s a really good fuck. I know’”

Stevie grins, “You’d really go around saying that? You?”

Xabi shrugs and kisses Stevie tenderly, wrapping an arm around his waist to pull him even closer against him.

“I promise you, Xabi” Stevie says solemnly, “one day it wont be like this. You’re going to go to university, right? And you’re going to get some fancy business degree and I’ll get a job so that when you’re finished, we’ll have enough money saved to buy a flat – a really wicked one as well. In a nice area. With trees! And a park nearby so we can play footie together whenever we want. And no one will be able to take it away from us because it will be ours”

The determination in Stevie’s voice knocks the wind out of Xabi. “I could go to school in London” he offers, “I know that’s where you want to move to after A-Levels”

“I thought you wanted to go to that university in Spain”

“I know, but I also want to be with you. And if I’m in Spain and you’re in London, then we’re not together”

Stevie kisses Xabi abruptly and with an urgency that leaves them both breathless. “We have time to figure it out”

“Mhmm” Xabi murmurs contently, “No need to start flat-hunting in London right away”

“But someday” Stevie promises

“Definitely: someday”

MARCH

“You’re going,” kiss “to be”, kiss “late for class” kiss

“Shut up” kiss “I have five” kiss “more minutes” kiss

They are snuck in an alley way behind a coffee shop with the beginnings of sunshine starting to filter through a misty morning. Xabi has Stevie pressed up against the brick wall but he doesn’t seem to mind the way it chafes against his back.

They cant seem to stop kissing.

“It your fault,” Stevie says as he attempts to catch his breath, “for taking on another extension class so we have even less time together”

“I’m a high achiever. Sue me” he kisses Stevie again, “I love your mouth”

Stevie laughs, “What?”

Xabi steps back, face flushed and chest heaving, “I should go”

Stevie’s fact is caught in the middle of a smirk and a grin, “You think?”

Xabi shoves him playfully before hitching his satchel onto his shoulder, “Come to my room later?”

Stevie nods and waves him off before heading back into the morning light, away from the shadows. He is pleasantly surprised when he notices Alex walking towards him from the distance. She is wearing a loose sundress with her blonde hair scraped back into a ponytail. Her face is scrubbed clean of makeup and he is struck by how beautiful she looks. He is filled with a rush of affection for this girl he has known for so long – he remembers how good she is at making him laugh, at being a breath of fresh air in a place that had once felt so claustrophobic.

“Alex!” he says once she has reached him, “Its been ages, have you been in hiding or what?”

“Hey, Stevie” she says with a smile, “Listen, do you have time to maybe get a coffee?”

“For you? Anytime. Hey, I’ll even buy!” he’s feeling particularly generous today

She rolls her eyes as they take a seat by the window, “So chivalrous!”

He notices that her movements seem slightly cagey and she doesn’t stop fidgeting with her bag. She picks up a paper napkin and begins to twist it between her hands.

“Alex, is everything alright?” he asks gently

She lets out a shaky breath, “I need to tell you something, Stevie”

The mood is sombre as he reaches for her hand and gives it a comforting squeeze, “Whatever it is – you can tell me”

“I’m pregnant”

His grip on her hand goes slack.

He cannot hear past the rush of blood in his head. Every sound in the café is amplified and the images of the people surrounding him begin to blur till he feels like he must surely have crossed over into some alternate universe. This is not happening. This is not happening. How can this be happening?

“Fuck, I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that” Alex moans, frustrated

“You- Ah- What. When? Are you sure?” he tries to form words but his mouth feels foreign, like it doesn’t belong to him

She nods despairingly, “It was New Year’s Eve, remember? We were both at the club and I was drunk and I think maybe you were a little bit too” she buries her head in her hands, “For god’s sake, it was in a bathroom”

The events of that night come rushing back swiftly though they are still fuzzy to Stevie’s mind. All he remembers is: wanting to forget. Xabi had left him so confused and angry and wanting and Alex had been there. She was comforting and familiar. She reminded him of what he knew and what he was used to and he had hoped that by burying himself inside her, he would be able to erase Xabi and what he felt for him. But all he had felt was numb. No relief, just emptiness.

“Did you just find out?” he manages to ask

She bites down on her bottom lip and shakes her head, “I’ve known for a little while now”

“Why-”

“I wanted to tell you, I did. But I was so confused and I just needed to deal with it on my own at first. But Stevie,” she reaches for his hand again, “I… I’m not going to keep it. I’ve thought about this a lot and I cant- I cant be a parent. Not right now. I’m sorry. About all of this”

He leans forward quickly, “What, none of this is your fault” she smiles sadly at him and he continues, “Are you sure, Alex? I know its your choice but just…”

“You know, I wasn’t even going to tell you. I know that sounds horrible but I thought it would be easier that way. For you. You would never have known that anything had ever happened”

He sees the tears spring to her eyes, “I’m glad that you told me. When are you going to… Do you want me to come with you?”

“No. If you came it would just make it all so much more real, you know? I’ll go with a friend. That way I can pretend that its just another doctor’s appointment” She covers her mouth with her hand and chokes back a sob, “Are you ok?”

Stevie shakes his head wearily, attempting to clear his cluttered thoughts, “I don’t know. It’s a lot. A lot to deal with”

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Stevie thinks of Xabi in his room early in the morning when they’re still wrapped around each other and the hair on his head tickles Stevie’s nose, “No” he says weakly

“I’m not- I just thought it would be harder if you were.” Stevie watches silently as she blows her nose and dabs at her eyes, “We wont have to talk about this again”

“Its going to be ok” he tries to be comforting

She shrugs, “I hope so”

“Hey!” Xabi says eagerly as he opens the door to Stevie later that day, “You will not believe what this Advanced Economics class is like. First of all, Mourinho takes it and he’s just… so horribly self-superior. And then the people in the class…”

Xabi’s chatter is background noise as Stevie goes to sit on the bed, his bones feel soft and his muscles are like rubber. He cant seem to make sense of anything anymore. He feels aged and weary and he wants to crawl into a ball and sleep for a really, really long time

“Stevie!” Xabi’s voice is clearer, “Are you even listening to me?” He turns to fix Stevie with a withering glare but stops immediately upon noting the stricken look on the other boy’s face

“Stevie,” he says again, though this time gently, “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I- I- I…” the words will not come

Xabi kneels down beside the bed, placing his hands on Stevie’s thighs as he settles between his legs, “Please tell me what’s wrong” He cups Stevie’s face and kisses just below each eye, “I love you, Stevie. I love you so much”

“Oh god Xabi, Alex is pregnant”

Xabi thinks he must have stopped breathing. The room is silent for a few moments, “What does that have to do with you?” he asks slowly

“I’m… I’m the father” he whispers so softly Xabi wonders if he has misheard him

“How- You and I-”

“No, no, no,” Stevie says quickly, “It was before all of this. You were about to go back to Spain and I was off my head and so fucking confused and it just happened. It meant nothing at the time”

“I believe you” he says softly, “I just… what are you going to do?”

“She isn’t going to keep the baby so there’s nothing I can do”

“Oh.” Xabi pulls himself up to sit beside Stevie on the bed, “…do you want her to keep it?”

“God, I honestly don’t know. Its out of my hands which is kind of really fucking infuriating but at the same time – I’m glad I don’t have to make any of the decisions? I don’t know what I’d do, Xabi, I really don’t”

Xabi places a tentative hand on Stevie’s shoulder and the other boy continues, “If I have a kid, I don’t want to make the mistakes my parents made with me. I’d want to get it right, you know? A proper family. The kind who go out to eat on Saturdays and take monthly trips to Alton Towers.”

Xabi smiles sadly and kisses Stevie gently on the cheek, “You’ll get to do all of those things one day”

Stevie closes his eyes and tries to concentrate on Xabi’s touch, his presence, “What would I do without you?”

He pulls Stevie to him and they settle back against the headboard of the bed, “I’m not going anywhere”

Stevie is asleep in his bed when his phone rings a few nights later. He grumbles sleepily and is about to turn it off when he sees the name “ALEX” flash across the screen

“Hello?”

“Stevie, I couldn’t. I couldn’t go through with it” Alex sounds hysterical on the other end of the line and Stevie can barely make out what she is saying through her tears

“Alex, slow down. I can’t understand you”

“Please, could you just come and get me? Please”

He agrees immediately and rolls out of bed once she’s given him the address. Its raining when he picks her up outside of the surgery so he gives her his jacket because she didn’t bring a coat. They head inside a 24hour diner and order cups of coffee.

Alex’s face is red and tear stained from all the crying. Stevie wants to say something that will make it better. He cannot think of a single thing. “Alex, what happened?”

She shakes her head slowly as if she too is confused, “I was so sure that it was what I wanted but I got there and then everything went out the window. I’m such a fucking mess” she rests her head on the table

“Alex, this is a big deal. Its more than a big deal! Obviously you’re going to be confused” he tries to placate her

“I want to have this baby, Stevie. I want to raise it. I was sitting there in the waiting room thinking about it. Because before I would have been like ‘fuck it, my life is over’. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I can still go to university. I could do one of those open-course things so I can stay home with… with the baby. And you could- I’m not trying to drag you into anything, I just. It makes sense to me.”

Stevie’s hands are white as they clutch his cup of coffee, “Alex, maybe you need to think about this. You’re really emotional at the moment and its late. Why don’t you sleep on it?” he tries to keep his tone lights but the gravity of what they’re discussing weighs it down and he can’t believe his talking about a baby, his baby.

Alex sighs and leans back in her seat, “You’re right. I need to be smart about this. Can I ask you something, though?”

“Anything” he says at once

“If I have the baby and if I keep it, would you want to be a part of it’s life?”

He doesn’t even have to think before he says “Yes, of course. I would be there, I promise you, for everything”

She inhales deeply, “Ok. I don’t think I could do this on my own”

He reaches across to take her hand and holds it firmly in his own, “You wont have to”

CONTINUED...

Fic: The Way You Are - Part 2 (II)

2010-10-22T21:20:23Z

“Dad, can I talk to you?”

His father barely looks up from his newspaper and grunts to indicate ‘yes’. Stevie sits opposite him at the kitchen table and plays with the left over milk in his cereal. This would be a lot easier if his father was actually looking at him.

“If you want money for something, you’re going to need to wait” his dad says distractedly as he reaches for his mug of tea

“That’s not it. This is… important” he says sombrely

His father folds the newspaper and places it beside him, “What have you done?” He sounds bored

It hurts that his father automatically assumes that he’s done something – even though its true. Is it so hard to believe that not every move he makes is a mistake?

Stevie steadies himself and takes a deep breath – just rip the plaster off, he thinks – “I got Alex pregnant”

His father sits there and simply blinks at him for a few seconds. Stevie is reminded of a similar scenario that happened in this very room not that long ago, “You did what?!”

He feels himself shrinking in his seat and decides that its best to keep his mouth shut. “For god’s sake Stevie, how in the world could you be so stupid? After all that I’ve done for you so that you could go and have a proper future. You go and cock it all up. Well done, lad”

Heat rises to Stevie’s cheeks and he’s a mixture of embarrassed and guilty and angry – how dare he stand there and judge him? He doesn’t have a fucking clue.

His father scrapes his chair back and begins to pace along the width of the kitchen before pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers and breathing slowly, “She’s going to have the baby?”

“Yes,” Stevie whispers

“And you two have decided to keep the baby?”

“Yes,” even softer now

“Right” he nods, “You two are going to need to find a flat. I’m sure there’ll be a place on the estate that’s free at the moment. You need to get a job. Maybe Alex can find one once the baby is born? I don’t know about school-”

“Dad!” Stevie says, shocked at the direction their conversation has taken, “I can’t…” he trails off

“What?” he places both palms on the table and stares Stevie directly in the eye, “Did you have another plan, son?”

No words come.

“I thought so. You’re going to do the right thing, Stevie. No shirking responsibilities, no sitting on your ass – enough of that has been going on. When things like this happen, you need to step up and be an adult. Don’t run away. Be an adult” Stevie thinks of waking up one morning to find that his mother had left, gone, vanished, run away.

“Yes, dad”

Stevie sits on a bench by the river at dusk, hands tucked into his jacket pockets – the air beginning to grow cooler as they day draws to a close.

“Hey,” he smiles at the familiar voice and allows a pleasurable chill to run down his spine as Xabi sits down beside him, “Why’d you want to meet here? We could have had pizza in my room”

“Its nice out, though” Stevie responds genially

“Its cold!” Xabi whines before looking around to check for people. Confirming that the area is deserted, he snuggles up to Stevie and places a soft kiss on his jaw

Stevie strokes his arm up and down the Spaniard’s back before letting out a deep sigh – now or never – “Xabi, Alex is going to have the baby”

Xabi sits up with a jolt, “What?”

“She couldn’t go through with it” he explains, “She went to a surgery to have the procedure done but she panicked and phoned me, asked me to come and get her. We talked about it for a long time and then I took her home. And then we talked about it the day after that and… she’s keeping it”

Xabi stares at him in shock, “Wow”

“Are you ok?” Stevie asks nervously

“Yeah… yeah. Its just that after you said Alex was going to- you know. I stopped thinking about it. I started pretending that it wasn’t real, that none of it had actually happened. But now it is” and there’s nothing I can do about it he doesn’t add

“I’m so sorry” Stevie says, desperate not to hurt him

Xabi shakes his head, “What happens now?”

“My dad wants me to get a job. He’s found a flat for me and Alex to stay in on the estate – its really grotty but he says he’ll pay someone to put on a lick of paint. Its all just happening so fast,” he buries his hand in his hands, “I need a fucking cigarette”

Xabi feels tears prick the back of his eyes and he has the distinct feeling that his world is crumbling right before him, “This is going to sound like such a selfish question but… what happens to us? To you and me?”

Stevie lifts his head up to see Xabi watching him with a shaky smile and he thinks he’s going to be sick, “I don’t know”

Xabi takes Stevie’s hand and says, “Do you remember what you told me when you thought Alex wasn’t going to have the baby? I remember everything you said, all the things you wanted for your child. If you have to make a choice-”

“I cant make a choice, Xabi” Stevie is embarrassed by the way his voice cracks and wavers

Xabi smiles through the tears that threaten to blind him, it feels. “I know. So let me make it for you” he presses his lips to Stevie’s ever so softly and feels the other boy gasp against them, “Bye Stevie”

He gets up and slowly begins to walk away, ignoring the cries of his name that follow. You’re doing the right thing, you’re doing the right thing, you’re doing the right thing, he repeats to himself. Once he can no longer hear Stevie calling for him, he breaks into a run till he reaches his room. He tries to shove his key into the lock but his hands are trembling so badly. Frustrated, he slams his hand against the door. “Dammit!” he yells, as he slowly begins to unravel.

A week later and Xabi sits in the courtyard of school, copying notes while there’s some sunshine available. He has loosened his tie and rolled up his sleeves, his jumper is tossed to a side and there are papers and files scattered in front of him. He stops everything that he’s doing when he notices Stevie walking towards him from inside the building. His immediate instinct is to run, to leave everything lying on the table and just get as far away as possible. But then his notes would probably get blown away by the wind. He sighs in frustration.

“Hi,” Stevie says tentatively as he stands in front of the table, biting his lower lip

Xabi feels claustrophobic, there’s not enough air, he can’t breathe, “Hi”

All of a sudden Stevie moves quickly and he’s sitting opposite Xabi, “The way we left things- the way we ended things… How can that be it?” he asks urgently

“Stevie, there are people” Xabi whispers and motions to everyone milling around them

“I don’t care,” Stevie says, voice hushed

“You’re having a child,” he replies softly, “I’m not going to stand in the way of that. You’re doing the right thing, raising this baby with Alex and accepting responsibility. I’m so proud of you, Stevie” he falters then, “And if that means that I don’t get to be a part of your life anymore, then so be it”

Stevie aches just listening to him, though he knows that he’s right, “We cant even be friends?”

“It hurts. Sitting across from you now hurts. Seeing you in a classroom looking bored out of your mind hurts. Watching you stuff books into your bag in front of your locker hurts. The thought of you hurts. I couldn’t be around you all the time like before – wanting you and not being able to have you” he looks down and fiddles with his pen, “I cant”

Stevie watches him for a few more moments, suggests saying that maybe they should grit their teeth and bear it because how was he just supposed to stop? Stop caring, stop calling, stop knocking on his door in the middle of the night, stop waking up in bed together, how? But he sees how much Xabi is hurting and thinks better of it.

“I guess I’ll see you around then” he says, getting up

“Yeah,” Xabi’s heart breaks, “See you”

APRIL

Life moves on with frightening speed and alacrity. One minute Stevie is falling in love for the first time, the next – he’s having a baby with his childhood friend. He goes through the motions like he’s an actor being paid – none of it feels real or tangible and he’s sure that one moment he will wake up – Xabi wrapped around him – and realise it was all a dream Dallas-style. But that never happens. His father gives them the keys to a flat that is not too far from where Stevie grew up – the same dull skies and concrete walls. There are a few pieces of furniture but for the most part, the place is empty.

“What are you doing?!” Stevie cries when he spots Alex carrying a box. He grabs it from her and places it on the floor, “No heavy lifting – doctor’s orders!” he threatens exaggeratedly and she laughs before wrapping an arm around his waist

“You ok?” she asks him gently

“Yeah, why?”

She shrugs, “You’re just quiet. And I know you like to do the broody, macho thing but this is more so than usual”

He places a kiss on the top of her head and gives her a squeeze, “I’m just tired. Once all this bloody moving is done, I’ll be fine”

“Sure?”

He nods firmly, “Now, will you go and lie down while I do the rest of this please?”

“Fine, fine!” she reluctantly agrees before going to find some respite in the room that they now call their own

Stevie stands surrounded by boxes of clothes and pictures and old football magazines. He begins unpacking one box labelled ‘KITCHEN’ – there are a whole lot more left to go. He thinks of old plans – Europe, a flat in London, a whole other life with a whole other person.

He sighs.

And the world spins madly on.

- 5 months later -

SEPTEMBER

Xabi is walking to his room from the park and its raining so heavily he’s sure he can make out hailstones. He watches as a figure some distance from him struggles with his umbrella that has been seemingly destroyed by the weirdly torrential weather. He watches as the umbrella is thrown away angrily and the figure begins to stomp off even as the storm increases in fervour.

His breath catches in his throat when he realises that its Stevie – even through the rain, he can make out the line of his shoulders and the way he holds himself, hunched over.

“Stevie!” he calls out as loudly as possible, “Stevie!”

The other boy turns toward him and Xabi points at the sturdy umbrella above his head before motioning for Stevie to join him beneath it. He watches him hesitate for a few seconds before running his way

Xabi doesn’t say anything except, “It’ll take you some time to walk back home”

Stevie nods and they run all the way back to Xabi’s room, both soaking wet and shivering. They haven’t spoken or seen each other in months. Stevie had been busy with the flat – moving in and making sure it was liveable. He had then gone on a job hunt, sorting through wanted ads in the post office and the back pages of newspapers with a red marker and phone pad. Alex’ pregnancy had been coming along well though she often had cravings that found Stevie shopping for pickles and vanilla ice cream in the middle of the night. He would stay up with her watching old movies and drinking camomile tea when her cramps got too bad. They weren’t in love but they had always genuinely liked each other and that made it easier when Alex occasionally brushed her lips against his or Stevie held her to him when they slept in the same bed at night. Xabi, on the other hand, had been busy with exams and assignments and coursework and extension classes. They had kept his mind occupied while he applied for universities and went on interviews. In the summer he had gone on a tour of the South of England with a group of people from his Business class – too long tense, it had been nice to relax with people he liked, get really drunk, throw up after going on a rollercoaster, sing karaoke music badly, be a teenager.

They had both been busy.

They stand outside Xabi’s door awkwardly. Stevie drips water onto the floor and Xabi says, “Maybe you should come inside. At least till it stops raining?”

Stevie nods, “Thanks”

He steps inside and is hit by a wave of memories – the way they used to share vodka while sitting at the foot of the bed, sex in the shower of Xabi’s en-suite bathroom, lying tangled in the sheets early in the morning. He swallows thickly and tries to concentrate on remembering how to breathe

“How have you been?” Xabi asks, because the silence is louder than any sound either of them could make at this point

“I’ve been ok. You?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Is Alex ok? The baby?”

“Yeah, they’re both fine. She’s due in a few weeks actually”

“Wow”

“Yeah”

“It feels like just yesterday-”

“I know”

And suddenly they’re both crossing the distance between them and they’re in each others arms, kissing aggressively as though they’d never been parted, as though they hadn’t seen each other in years

“We should st-” Xabi starts breathlessly but he’s silenced by Stevie’s mouth on his again. He tangles his fingers through the older boy’s wet hair and moans. He’s missed this so much. He fumbles with the edge of Stevie’s jumper before pulling it off and tossing it aside. He kisses every inch of naked skin available and Stevie clings to him, thrusting forward and whimpering before pushing Xabi backwards onto the bed.

Xabi props himself up on his elbows and goes near delirious at the look of pure wanton lust in Stevie’s eyes. Then his jeans are being slid off his legs and he’s lifting his arms up so Stevie can take off his shirt; it lands with a plop in the growing wet pile. They’re both naked and Stevie straddles Xabi but is surprised when he’s pushed back down and Xabi runs a hand down his body from his neck to his thigh. He kisses him, “Mine” he whispers possessively and Stevie shivers before saying hoarsely, “Yes, yours”

They relearn each others bodies – familiar crevices, old spots that still remain sensitive to the touch. Tasting, kissing, sucking until they’re both writhing on the bed and panting restlessly. Stevie slips inside Xabi when they can no longer bear it and the sensation is so powerful, so meaningful, he comes almost immediately – Xabi close behind him. Trembling, they lie in each others arms – just like the first time.

“I love you. I cant stop” Stevie says as he strokes the roof of Xabi’s mouth with his tongue

“I love you” Xabi replies, awed that this is happening again when he was so sure that it never, ever would

But then there is a distinct noise that begins to grow louder and louder – Stevie’s phone. He groans in frustration and reluctantly pries himself from Xabi’s warm arms. He turns back to face him and says, “I’m just going to turn it off” Xabi smiles at him but then stops when he sees the frown on Stevie’s face.

“What’s wrong?” he asks

“It’s Alex. Is it ok… do you mind if I answer it?” Stevie asks nervously

Xabi feels tendrils of jealousy curl in the pit of his stomach but he shakes his head as Stevie presses a button and lifts the phone to his ear. “…What?! How is that possible? Fuck, fuck, fuck – I’m coming”

“What happened?” asks Xabi as he sits up, worried

“Alex just went into labour” Stevie says as he begins to search for his clothes that are strewn across the floor

“I thought you said she was due in a few weeks?!”

“Its premature… Oh, fuck” Stevie is frantic as he pulls on his socks and Xabi notices that his hands are shaking

“Stevie, you need to calm down” he says as he too puts his clothes on. “I’m coming with you but you’re not going to be of help to anyone if you keep panicking like this”

“Xabi, I can’t do this. I can’t be a dad. I’m not ready and I’m going to be so horrible at it. Children! God, what the fuck were Alex and I thinking?” he wrings his hands

Xabi laces his hands through Stevie’s, “Sssh. Calm down. You are going to be fine. And you’re going to be a good father. I have so much faith in you, Stevie. No one has to get it right immediately and you wont but the thing is, in time you will. If anyone can, its you. That baby – boy or girl – is going to grow up so, so lucky because it’ll have you in it’s life.” He repeats it again but slower this time, “You’re going to be fine. Ok?”

Stevie breathes in and out, “Ok”

“Well, lets go then”

Xabi stands in front of the nursery with a sense of calm settling over his bones. He can clearly mark out one cot where a baby lies without crying, wrapped in a pink blanket, hands fisted and curled towards mouth. The tag in front is neatly labelled with ‘LILY-ELLA GERRARD’ She is almost perfect, he thinks - her porcelain skin with only a slight red tinge and the strands of pale blonde hair on her head. He thinks about how she is part-Stevie and part-Alex. A constant reminder that at one point the two of them were joined together. He does not think about Stevie’s confusion that night. He does not think about the three bottles of Bacardi Alex had downed beforehand. He can not begin to imagine the hard concrete of the bathroom stall floor with the blaring noise of the club just a minute away.

He looks at Lily and he remembers his first time with Nagore.

He remembers wanting so badly for it to be special and memorable and perfect. Because he wanted someone to write poetry for – someone who made him want to write poetry. And maybe, maybe, this was the way to get there. He had read books and self-help guides and watched endless movies. So when his friend Mikel had to house-sit his uncle’s villa by the lake, it was suggested that a bunch of them go. He arranged with Mikel for the others to spend one day on a walk and Xabi bought candles which he lit and potpourri which he scattered aimlessly. He snuck his mother’s best linen out and found a box of Swiss chocolate and a bottle of expensive wine. He had kissed Nagore slowly outside the room because they had both been ready and he could see the happiness in her eyes. And when they lay on the bed, they weren’t two people in love but they were two people who loved each other and Xabi failed to see how anything that was NOT beautiful could be borne from something like that.

The thought of that night and the thought of Alex and Stevie feeling those things – feeling them for each other with Lily as proof, as actual legitimate evidence – hurts so suddenly and with such acute sharpness, he gasps. He hears footsteps behind him and then a hand is placed on his shoulder, “God, she’s gorgeous isn’t she?” Stevie murmurs. And Xabi nods because how can he not?

“She kind of looks like you”

Stevie chuckles, “How the fuck can you tell?”

“Language! There are children here”

“Woops”

“And it’s the frown. Just like her father – even when she’s asleep”

“I can’t believe I’m a dad” he says it slowly like its still sinking in and his mouth has trouble forming the words

Xabi turns around abruptly, “Stevie, I need to tell you something. And I know that its probably not the right time but there’s never going to be a right time so I’m just going to say it, ok?”

Stevie straightens up and nods, “Ok”

“I’m leaving next week. I’m going back to Spain for good”

Stevie feels like a trap-door has been opened beneath his feet, he’s falling and he keeps waiting to land but all he can taste is endless vertigo, “What?”

“I was only supposed to be here for a year. That was always the original plan – and well, a year is now up” he sighs heavily and leans back against the wall

“But-but- you..” Stevie struggles to find the words, the constricting emotion in his chest seems to also be messing with his ability to speak

“We made a lot of plans that did not pan out so well” he says sadly, “I applied to that University in Spain I’ve always wanted to go to and they accepted me. Classes start soon”

“Am I supposed to say that I’m happy for you?” he chokes out

“It would be nice”

“Well, I’m not!” he hisses so he doesn’t have to scream – they’re still in a hospital corridor after all, “You’re just going to go?”

“Stevie, you spent the last five months without me. And you have that beautiful girl back there, now. I’m just… the past” Xabi says this even though it kills him, even though the realisation hurts more than Stevie will ever now

Stevie feels tears well up in his eyes and he wipes them away with shame, cursing himself for being such a thirteen year old girl, “We were supposed to… god, so many things”

Xabi closes his eyes and tries to dull the pain in his chest, “Hey, one day if you’re in London and I’m in London…”

Stevie lets out a cross between a laugh and a sob, “I used to hate pretty much everything till I met you”

Xabi smiles weakly and turns back to face the nursery, “When she grows up, don’t be one of those lame fathers who threatens every guy that looks at their daughter twice”

“I don’t know how I’m going to handle tomorrow, let alone the next ten, twenty years” he says with a sigh

Xabi brushes the back of Stevie’s hand with the tips of his fingers, “All in good time”

The day before Xabi’s plane is booked to leave, he visits Stevie’s flat at the estate. Its brighter than his old one, he notes. The walls have been painted yellow and Alex has hung pictures and paintings on the walls, a vase of sunflowers rest on the living room table and there’s a throw as well as large cushions scattered on the floor.

“Alex is just out getting some supplies and I’m on baby duty. Do you want anything to drink?” Stevie asks as Xabi sits down

“No, I’m good. Thanks”

Stevie sits himself opposite Xabi and smiles though its tinged with sadness, “You’re going to be amazing” he starts, “Once you get that degree of yours and you apply for some top-flight job. I bet you’ll have to wear a suit and people will call you ‘Sir’ or you know, whatever they say in Spain. I’m happy I knew you, Xabi”

Xabi’s voice is strained with emotion when he says, “I still remember the first time I saw you outside the club. I thought you looked like such an idiot. It was freezing and you had your sleeves rolled up so you were obviously trying to act like you didn’t give a shit. And the way the cigarette dangled from your mouth” Xabi rolled his eyes, “Maybe I loved you then. Right at that moment”

“Do you still? Love me?”

Xabi shrugs like its not even a real question, “I always will. Trite and clichéd as this is: you changed my life. I came here to escape, to learn and instead I fell in love”

For a moment, a comfortable silence settles over the room and then there’s a gurgling sound. “Ah!” Stevie says and Xabi watches as he goes to the crib at the edge of the room and picks up his daughter, settling her into his arms. He hates Alex then, for having what he so desperately wants and now will never have. He knows he’ll be happy one day, eventually – and maybe it wont be with Stevie, maybe it wont be in England but someday. And maybe Stevie wont get to travel Europe or have his flat in London but as he gazes adoringly at his daughter he thinks someday, too.

Stevie looks up at Xabi and his eyes have lit up – they have both grown so much in the space of this one year, “Do you want to hold her?”

Xabi smiles back at him, “I’d love to”

THE END.

Fic: The Way You Are

2010-10-18T23:11:22Z

Title: The Way You Are
Fandom/Pairing: Football RPF; Steven Gerrard/Xabi Alonso
Rating: R
Length: 5,648 words
Summary: Part 1 of 2. High School AU. Steven Gerrard’s life is the definition of miserable before he meets Xabi Alonso
A/N: I WRITE TOO MANY OF THESE. I don’t even know why because lately I have legitimate assignments and reading to do so! Maybe I will take a break once I post the second part of this. Also everyforever should write more, she really should. All mistakes are my own, none of this is true

If Stevie were to paint his life out on a canvas, he would only use blues and greys. And maybe a lot of straight lines. His life has structure – almost rigidity – to it. He will wake up every morning in his council flat with its dour grey walls and horrible heating. He will sit at the kitchen table where his mother has placed a glass of milk and a box of cereal. He will eat like he genuinely looks forward to the rest of the day – to the expressionless faces of the students he mills around school with and the teachers who really couldn’t give a fuck. He will come home and not do any of his homework, if he’s lucky his parents will have their daily argument inside their room instead of in front of the television set. Later he’ll go out and meet Carra and some of the other lads – smoke a pack and get smashed, maybe feel up a girl or two. If he’s in the mood he’ll let one of them take him back to her place – where he’ll leave before the barely-there-sunlight can filter through the curtains. And then he’ll do the same thing the next day and the day after that and the day after-

One day he wakes up and there is no milk on the table, no cereal box. The kitchen looks strangely bereft and he notices that their box-sized bathroom is missing its lace curtains. He stands in his school uniform waiting for some kind of epiphany to hit him. He goes to open the fridge and sees that it is bare apart from a bottle of milk that is almost finished, a block of cheese and an empty jar of jam. He hears footsteps behind him and turns around to see his father tossing his keys back and forth in his hands.

“Listen Steven,” he says gruffly as he clears his throat before speaking, “your mother, she’s uh- she’s… well, she’s gone.”

Stevie blinks back at him and swallows. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say.

“Will you- you’ll be alright, wont you?” his father continues

Stevie stares at him before nodding very slowly. His hand is fisted around the glass bottle that contains hardly any milk

“Good. I’m probably going to have to pick up another shift at the station so I might be working nights now”

Stevie continues to nod wordlessly. There is no need to be surprised. This has been a long time coming. He should be surprised it hasn’t happened sooner.

“Well, you better be off to school now”

Stevie tips the milk left inside the bottle into the sink before rinsing it out and leaving it by the bins to be collected.

* * *

OCTOBER

The feel of Alex’s lips against his is distracting. The music in the club is too loud and it’s created a strange thumping sound in his head. His sweat-soaked shirt sticks against the leather he is seated on. Alex doesn’t help by straddling him and repeatedly backing him up against it – though she mewls and purrs and flicks her blonder hair over her shoulder in a way that is not completely unappealing.

“Listen- listen,” he says, pulling away from her searching mouth and placing a hand to the side of her face, “Not tonight, yeah?”

She makes a grumbling noise but swings her legs over his and leaves to join a group of giggling girls with cigarettes in their mouths and martinis in their hands.

He sighs and rubs his hands against his face to gain some clarity of thought.

He is tired.

He leaves the club to be met with the cool Merseyside air that strangles and relieves him all at once. He scuffs his shoe against the pavement and is about to light up when he sees Carra approach from the distance

“Oi, Gerrard!” he calls and Stevie offers him a limp wave in response.

“What are you doing out here?” Carra asks

Stevie shrugs, “It was too hot inside” The figure beside Carra is unfamiliar. A boy around their age with dark hair that is messy and too long so that it keeps falling into his eyes and he has to push it back. His hands are shoved in his pockets and he has a thick scarf wrapped around his neck – clearly not used to the weather.

Carra notices the direction of Stevie’s gaze and says, “This is Xabi. He got here from Spain yesterday. He’s boarding with the school for…”

“Almost a year” Xabi finishes, his voice heavily accented

“Why?” Stevie asks, he wishes he didn’t sound as abrasive as he knows he does

“Excuse me?” Xabi’s brow wrinkles in confusion

“Why would you leave Spain for this shithole?”

Xabi doesn’t say anything and Carra laughs nervously. “Don’t worry about Stevie,” he says, “he can be dead boring about things. Come on Xabi, let’s go inside”

Carra receives a warm smile in response but Xabi turns to him and says “Its ok. I think I will stay out here for a little while”

Carra raises an eyebrow, “Ooo-kay. Well, come inside when you’re ready, yeah?” He leaves the two of them standing there in the cold: Xabi with his coat and his gloves; Stevie with his shirt sleeves rolled up, cigarette in hand.

“So… Stevie, right?” Xabi asks

“Yep” Stevie reaches for his lighter again but pauses to glance up at Xabi, “you don’t mind, yeah?”

“Oh, uhm, no”

“Good,” Stevie takes a long drag before focusing back on Xabi through the smoke, “so why are you here?”

“I wanted to learn about the culture, I wanted to learn English-”

“Your English sounds fine” Stevie cuts him off

“You seem like a very angry person”

Stevie laughs at this. It sounds strange to his own ears; he hasn’t heard it in that long.

Xabi grins, “Come inside. I can buy you a drink, maybe?”

Stevie is tempted, which is an almost-new sensation considering the last few months have seen him shunning most company in favour of being a hermit

“Maybe some other time, yeah?” Stevie glances at his watch, “I have to be getting back now”

Stevie wonders if he sees regret flash across Xabi’s face, “Oh, that’s ok. I will see you around at school, then?”

Half of Stevie’s mouth tilts upwards in the semblance of a smile, “Yeah”

Xabi waves before heading inside the club and Stevie walks back home through the dreary estate where every house looks exactly the same. He opens the door to find that no one is home. His stomach rumbles softly but he remembers that the fridge is still probably empty. He butters a slice of bread, considers waiting for his dad to come home before deciding they wouldn’t have anything to talk about anyway, and going to bed.

You can’t be late, you can’t be late, you can’t be late, Stevie mutters to himself like a mantra as he runs up the school steps. If he is late, it’ll be for the fifth time this term and he has a slight inkling that, that kind of figure would not go down so well with the headmaster.

He practically falls into his seat just as the bell screeches that the school day has begun.

Mr Benitez coolly raises an eyebrow at the front of the class, “Very close call once again, Mr Gerrard. You know you really can’t keep up with this kind of behaviour”

“Yes, sir” Stevie says stiffly as he slams his books down on the table. Once he has flung a few pens down as well he turns to his side to see who is seated next to him. He is surprised to find Xabi, the Spaniard from the day before, smiling shyly at him. He lifts a hand in greeting and Stevie nods.

“Xabi, right?” Stevie asks and Xabi nods carefully

“Wont we get into trouble for talking in class?” Xabi asks

Stevie shrugs and pulls a face, “I don’t care”

“But-”

“Alonso!” Benitez thunders and Xabi snaps to attention at once, “I know you are new here and things are different in Spain but I do not think they are so different that you do not understand the importance of respecting your teachers, no?”

Xabi swallows and is about to respond meekly when he hears Stevie perk up beside him, “It was my fault, sir”

“Excuse me?” Xabi hears Mr Benitez say darkly

Stevie simply smiles like he hasn’t a care in the world, “You only caught him talking because of me. He wouldn’t have been talking if I hadn’t started” Steve leans and tilts his chair back. Xabi watches him nervously.

“Out of my class, Gerrard” Benitez says, his voice like ice “I will see you after school”

Stevie smirks. He considers sticking his tongue out just to be petulant but then he hears Benitez continue, “You can follow him, Alonso”

“But sir, I-” Xabi protests weakly

“Now!” Benitez says with a finality that has him grappling with his bags and racing for the door to catch up with Stevie

“Why in the world did you do that?” Xabi hisses at him once they are both outside, “He would have left us both alone if you had kept your mouth shut”

Stevie shrugs, “I couldn’t resist?” he offers and Xabi rolls his eyes

“You may not care about any of this seeing as you seem to be late all the time but I do, ok? I came here for a reason and that reason was not so that I could get kicked out only to have to hang around a smart-ass like you”

“Glad you got that off your chest?”

“…yes”

“Good”

Xabi blinks in confusion as Stevie grins at him, “You want to get something to eat?” he asks.

“What? No! We’re supposed to be in class!” Xabi says with his mouth agape.

“Well, yeah but then Benitez kicked us out so… unless you want to go do the homework that hasn’t been set yet? Or you could come with me and we could get some chips. I’m going with or without you” Stevie turns and begins walking towards the school doors.

Xabi curses under his breath before following

They sit across from each other with a Styrofoam dish of chips between them, both with a plastic cup of coke and ice.

“I feel like we shouldn’t be doing this,” Xabi says as he rips open a packet of ketchup

“Look, if we were supposed to be in class, we would be in class. Benitez just gets his knickers in a twist every so often. Sometimes the consequences aren’t so bad” Stevie winks as he sticks a chip into his mouth and Xabi can’t help but smile tentatively

“So, is this rebel-without-a-cause thing an act or do you genuinely not give a shit about anything?” Xabi asks

“Wha-?”

“Oh come on, you were brooding outside the club when I first met you; you then proceed to get us both kicked out of class for no apparent reason other than your own amusement. I am sensing a pattern”

Stevie smiles cheekily, “I am what I am”

“You’re a ‘type’” Xabi says, jabbing a chip in his direction accusingly

“You’ve lost me again”

“You probably have some dark, sordid past ripe for psychoanalysis and it leads you to act the way you do and you probably bottle everything up and channel all your pent up emotion into being what you might consider to be a ‘badass’. Really, you just look like an idiot” Xabi chatters serenely before taking a sip of his drink

Stevie narrows his eyes, “Shut up”

“Oh, I hit a nerve”

“You have no idea what my life is like” Stevie says aggressively but Xabi doesn’t back down.

“No? So show me”

“What are you talking about?” Stevie asks, exasperated

“Your life? Show me”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“Because I’m interested”

Stevie places both his palms flat on the table and leans forward, “This. This is my life. Getting kicked out of classrooms, eating fast-food alone and being a general dick. Things may be different in sunny Spain but they’re not here. You want to see my home? You want to go to a council estate? Mate-”

“Yes” Xabi says before Stevie can finish his rant, “I want you to show me”

Stevie studies Xabi carefully while he slurps down the last of his drink, “Fine” he says as he places the cup down with a thud “You want to go? Lets go”

Stevie leads Xabi past the last block of grey flats before they come to his own. An England flag hangs from the window next door and the house above has a washing line threatening to snap at any second under the weight of several flannel dresses. Stevie unlocks the door and switches on a light though it does little to brighten the space – which could be described as ‘minimal’ at best with just a few pieces of furniture and no pictures on the walls, no fruit bowl on the kitchen counter, no vases filled with flowers to add colour.

“So… this is it” Stevie says grimly, settling on the arm of a sofa, “Do you want a cup of tea?”

“No, I’m good” Xabi says, sitting opposite Stevie on a chair, “It’s… nice”

Stevie snorts, “Yeah, good try. It’s shit. But I’m going to leave one day so it’s ok”

“You are?”

“Yep. Gonna get my A-Levels and then I’m out of here like that,” he snaps his thumb and forefinger together as demonstration, “I don’t care where I go. London, maybe? Or if I get a job over the summer and save up I could go to Europe too, who knows yeah?”

“What about your parents?”

Stevie pales slightly and when he recoils, Xabi realises he shouldn’t have broached the subject, “My mum left sometime ago so she… well, she doesn’t even call so she really doesn’t give a fuck. And my dad would have one less person to pay for so he’d be happy too”

“I doubt it’s like that” Xabi says softly

“How do you know?” Stevie shoots out venomously and suddenly

Xabi isn’t deterred though, “When-when… did she leave? What was it like?”

Stevie looks down and picks at his trouser leg so he wont have to look at Xabi, “She was gone at the beginning of the year. I just woke up one morning and she wasn’t there, you know?” Xabi nods and Stevie feels compelled by something in his eyes, the comfort he gains from his presence, to keep speaking, “I mean it’s not like I didn’t know she hated it here. It’s difficult with my dad right, because he would always nag her about money and how hard he worked and how difficult his life was and all this other shit. But she had a job too so I don’t know why he was always having a go at her. It’s just- you never really know how bad it is till its actually happened and you have to pick up the broken pieces”

Stevie shrugs and Xabi aches to- to what? – to comfort him, to tell him it’ll be alright, to hold him. But Xabi knows, already, that Stevie isn’t going to accept his words of sympathy and he really isn’t going to want Xabi’s arms around him.

So Xabi says all that he can think to say, “I’m sorry” he says quietly and Stevie smiles at him thankfully.

Their moment – if you can call it a moment – is interrupted however when they hear a key turn in the lock and Stevie’s father comes through the door

Xabi jumps to his feet immediately and Stevie scrambles off the sofa, “Dad! What are you doing here? It’s not even-”

“Steven” his father sighs and then he notices Xabi standing nervously in the room, hands clasped tightly together, “I think your friend should leave. You and I need to talk”

Stevie nods and says, “I’ll see you at school, Xabi”

Xabi picks up his bags but stops before leaving to place a hand on Stevie’s forearm and whisper against his ear, “Are you sure you’ll be alright?”

Stevie swallows thickly and nods. He looks up at Xabi and their eyes meet for a few seconds – something inside Stevie is screaming and clawing at his ribs, desperate to get out. But then Xabi gives his arm a quick squeeze and he’s gone.

His father shuts the door firmly behind him. He doesn’t say anything at first. He goes inside the kitchen and puts the kettle to boil. He puts a teabag in his usual mug. And then he turns to Stevie

“I got a call from your school today. They were saying that your behaviour at the moment is causing severe problems, detrimental to the school and the education of others. What are you playing at Steven? I’m working everyday so I can put food on the table – for whom? For you, Steven. All these things – education and the like – they’re all luxuries. And here you are pissing over it like it means jackshit. You better sort yourself out, do you hear me?”

When Stevie stands still and silent, he comes closer and raises his voice slightly, “Do you hear me?”

“Yes” he whispers

His father claps him on the back, “Good lad. I only want what’s best for you, you know?”

Stevie feels tears scald the back of his eyes but he blinks them rapidly away, “I know”

NOVEMBER

Stevie hasn’t seen Xabi in quite a while. The only class they had together had been with Benitez and after the recent tribulations, Stevie had asked to be moved. He assumes Xabi is probably busy working, being the good, productive student he intended to be on arrival. He’ll see him in the hall sometimes tacking up posters for the chess club or signing names to help for a fundraiser. They don’t do more than nod at each other before going their separate ways.

But tonight is different. Their entire year has flooded a local club and he can spot Xabi in the distance sitting with a few other people. He looks almost demure in his clean, straight collared white shirt and dress shoes. His hair still gets in the way of his eyes, Stevie pretends not to notice. Xabi waves when he sees Stevie watching him and Stevie responds by raising his beer in appraisal. He inclines his head for Xabi to join him and is surprised and pleased when Xabi hesitantly gets up to walks his way.

“Long time no see” Xabi says and Stevie can detect the nervousness in his voice

“You’ve been busy” Stevie says, taking a swig from his bottle, “Do you want anything to drink?”

“I have and no, I’m good” Xabi says as he attempts to figure out how many Stevie has had

“So, are you planning to pull tonight?” Stevie asks conversationally

“What?!” Xabi shouts – mostly because he cannot hear over the music but also because he has no idea what Stevie means

“Pull?” Stevie says as clearly and loudly as possible but when Xabi continues to look confused, “A girl, mate, a girl. Are you planning on hooking up with anyone tonight? I’ve got connections” He winks and Xabi’s face turns crimson

“Uhh no, not really”

“Why not? Do you have a girlfriend back home in Spain?”

“Yes. Well. Kind of. No, not really”

Stevie shakes his head in amusement, “What?”

“I was with this girl for a really long time – her name was Nagore and she was nice and you know, I guess we were happy. But we broke it off a little while ago – it was like a temporary thing but then I left. For a year. To another country. So… can I have that drink now?” Xabi ends sheepishly

Stevie laughs and hands him a beer, “So you’re not together but you kind of are? Do you want to be together?”

Xabi shrugs and rubs his thumb around the mouth of the bottle, “I used to think I did. But after we broke up, I just wanted to leave her. Not because of her, if that makes any sense. It’s just we’ve always been together. I think our mothers had us married at the age of nine and I kissed her when we were like, eleven” Xabi doesn’t know why he’s telling Stevie this, he doesn’t know why the words spill from his mouth but he can’t seem to stop, “So when we broke up, it was like everyone I knew expected us to be together, expected me to know everything that was going on with her. And I didn’t want to be obligated like that anymore. Not because I don’t love Nagore because I did- I do, but I wanted to be my own person. When we first met you asked me why I came here, maybe this is part of why”

“So, do you love her?” Why the fuck do you care, he mentally kicks himself

“Yes, very much. She is such a good person and she’s so important to me. But… I am not in love with her. My older brother got married to his wife when he was young and they were wildly, passionately in love. I think I wanted that. I wanted to want to write poetry for someone. I guess Nagore just wasn’t that person” Xabi takes a long sip of his drink. This is the first time he has admitted anything like this to anyone

“You are a sap” Stevie says simply

Xabi laughs and nearly chokes on his drink, “So, what about you?”

“What about me?” Stevie asks edgily

“What, you have no romantic past to speak of?”

“Mate, I’m not like you with your relationship. I don’t think I could handle that kind of dependency” Stevie shudders a little at the word

“What about that girl over there who look like she wants to eat you?” Xabi asks, inclining his head

Stevie turns his head towards Xabi’s line of gaze and is met with Alex’s bright smile which quickly changes to a smirk and a flirtatious wink.

“Oh, that’s Alex” he says as he offers her a wink in response and she rolls her eyes before looking away

“She’s pretty”

“Yeah. I guess we have like an on-off thing which is good. She’s fun and I’ve known her for a long time. We get on well”

“So why not, you know, date her?”

“Because we’re not like that, the two of us. Alex is the kind of person who wants a fella to buy her diamond rings and flowers and crap and that person isn’t me”

“Charming”

Stevie grins, “We should hang out more, you and me. I like talking to you, Xabi” he says genuinely

Xabi smiles, “I like talking to you too, Stevie”

DECEMBER

Stevie spends a lot of time in Xabi’s room at school. He hadn’t expected it to be so big but it’s a decent size and he’s got a television set and a balcony and an en-suite bathroom. What else does one need in life?

“Are you going back to Spain for Christmas?” Stevie asks as lies on his back and tosses a ball against the ceiling

“I’m not going back to Spain till the beginning of January, so I’ll be here for Christmas” Xabi says as he sits at his desk and begins to copy notes from a textbook

“And then you’re only going for a week, right?”

“Mhmm” Xabi says distractedly, he tries not to make an amused comment on dependency

“Good,” he says firmly, “you should come round to ours for Christmas then. My dad wont be here and-”

“Your dad wont be here for Christmas?” Xabi asks in shock, looking up from his books

“Well, he’s working,” Stevie says nonchalantly, “the transport system stops for no man and no holiday! But it’ll be better without him because he just mopes around like a miserable old git. You can spend the night and like, we can open presents and stuff in the morning”

“How old are you – twelve?”

“Just say you’ll come, Xabi!” Stevie says determinedly as he throws the ball at Xabi’s shoulder

“Alright, alright, I’ll come!” Xabi says as he laughs and throws the ball back at Stevie’s face so it bounces off his nose

“This is horrible,” Stevie says as he sticks a spoonful of cookie dough into his mouth.

The two are sat in the middle of Stevie’s living room with paper crowns on their heads, a bowl of cookie mix between them and bottles of bourbon scattered on the floor. They are slightly drunk.

Xabi shoves his hand into the mix and sucks on his index finger. He makes a face, “You’re right. But it’s your fault because really, you made most of it”

Stevie lets out an exaggerated gasp, “Did not!” he flings a spoonful of dough onto Xabi’s face and the Spaniard shrieks in a surprisingly girlish manner. He takes his wet finger and pokes it against Stevie’s cheek. Taking the spoon and bowl away from him, Xabi proceeds to pin Stevie down and tickle him mercilessly.

“Xabi!” Stevie howls as he writhes and wriggles on the floor, “Stop, please!” he begs

“Make me” Xabi taunts as Stevie attempts to roll onto his stomach

“Anything! I’ll give you anything! Ooh! We can open presents now!”

“I thought you said they were off limits?” Xabi asks. He has straddled Stevie and is holding his arms above his head. Xabi pretends he cannot see the smooth expanse of skin now peeking beneath Stevie’s shirt that has risen above the waistband of his jeans.

Stevie wets his lips and the back of Xabi’s throat goes dry, “I’ll make an exception for you”

They stay like that for a few moments, in this increasingly compromising position before Xabi eventually rolls off. “Fine” he says resignedly but he claps his hands gleefully as Stevie reaches for the gifts.

“For you,” Stevie says handing Xabi the gift and staring shyly at his hands, “I don’t know if you’ll like it. I just remembered something that you said when we first met and I thought- but if you don’t, I’m sure we can like, return it and you can-”

“Stevie.”

“Yes, Xabi?”

“Shut up”

“Ok”

Stevie watches as Xabi carefully removes the wrapping, making sure not to damage the patterned paper. He pulls out a hardcover book with glossy pictures entitled, “From London to Liverpool”

Stevie swallows, “You said you came because you wanted to learn more about the culture and I know you already have a lot of things and I know you already know a lot of things but-”

Xabi fingers the pages reverently before looking up to beam at Stevie, “I love it. Thank you” Stevie swears he can feel his heart swell right at that moment.

Xabi sets aside the book gently before handing Stevie his own present. Stevie tears away at the wrapping eagerly, heedless of the mess he’s making. He looks up whilst in the midst of attacking his gift to see Xabi gnawing at his lower lip

“You’re going to end up bleeding if you keep on doing that” Stevie warns

Xabi stops, “I’m just-”

“Nervous?” Stevie offers

“Yeah”

“Don’t be”

Stevie pulls a pair of shorts and a shirt from the wrappings and looks at them with joy, “It’s the new Liverpool kit” he says in amazement

Xabi nods, “I know you’re a really big fan and I’d never seen you with this shirt before so-” he stops when he’s knocked down by Stevie’s weight

“Thank you,” Stevie says in a hushed whisper, holding the Spaniard close to him

Xabi hugs him back tightly, He thinks that this moment in time is perfect and if he could freeze it and live in these few single seconds forever, he would.

They spend the next hour finishing off their horrible cookie dough and making cups of hot chocolate. They open Stevie’s present from his dad – a very boring watch; Xabi shows Stevie the stationery that his parents sent him. They’re in the midst of cleaning up when Xabi spots an envelope beneath the Christmas tree. He motions to Stevie and points at it,

“Hey, you forgot that one” he tells him with a sleepy yawn

Stevie’s brow knits and he thinks it might be something for his dad but when he reaches for the envelope he sees the lettering “Steven” clearly marked on the front. His stomach swoops at the sight of the familiar handwriting

He opens it to find a Christmas card that reads simply:

Dear Steven,

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Mum

She has also enclosed a ten pound note. Nothing else. No letter, no message, no phone number.

Xabi watches Stevie carefully. He knows that this is not the best time to say anything; he doesn’t want to look like he pities him, though he is desperate to make the pain go away. It is so heartbreakingly evident from his face that Stevie is crushed and there is not a thing Xabi can do about it.

Stevie clears his throat before shoving the card and money back into the envelope and placing it aside, “Lets go to sleep, yeah?”

Xabi nods gently and they go to Stevie’s room where there are blankets and pillows on the floor for Xabi to sleep on. Stevie climbs wordlessly into bed and Xabi watches him from below, heart aching

There is silence and then, “I’m glad you were here, Xabi” Stevie whispers to the darkness

“Thank you for today, Stevie” Xabi says in a hushed voice

“Merry Christmas” Stevie says as he turns so he can look at Xabi in the dark, he can just about make out the shape of his face

“Merry Christmas”

They sleep.

They go out for breakfast the next morning because neither of them can be bothered to cook. They sit at a local pub where a Christmas special is being served: they have eggs and sausages and waffles and blueberry muffins and they put shots of vodka into their orange juice.

After stuffing themselves, they take a long walk back to Xabi’s room at school, choosing to dally by the lake though it is cold outside and their noses are red while their hands are blue.

“I’m happy,” Stevie says as they sit on a bench in the park, “Right now? In this moment? Total happiness” He pats his stomach as if to signify that a good meal had something to do with it

Xabi rolls his eyes but smiles as he says, “Me too”

“I’m going to miss you in January”

“Yeah, but it’ll only be a week. I’ll be back soon”

“You going to see Nagore when you’re there?”

Xabi visibly tenses up but Stevie couldn’t resist asking the question, “She will probably be there when I go, yes”

Stevie nods carefully before standing up, “We should probably go, I think”

Xabi follows in his wake and stands but stops him before he can go any further. “Stevie, wait-” he says softly.

Stevie turns and Xabi is there – suddenly, so close with one hand on his arm and his face just inches away. He has only a moment to let out a shaky breath before Xabi’s lips are on his and he can taste sunlight and Christmas morning. He sighs despite himself. The kiss is slow and tentative but when Xabi moves to deepen it, bringing a hand to cup Stevie’s face he breaks away

“I’m sorry,” Stevie says, breathlessly, “I-I- I can’t”

“Stevie-” Xabi says

But Stevie is already backing away, hands in front of him as though to protect himself, “I’m not, I’m not…” he shakes his head repeatedly

“Stevie!” Xabi calls again. But he is too late. Stevie turns on his heel and runs, leaving Xabi staring helplessly after him.

Stevie ignores his phone for what feels like the fiftieth time, though he clearly sees the name “XABI” flashing across the screen. He slips his phone back into his pocket but freezes when he feels a hand on his shoulder

A “Hey, you” is whispered into his ear and a kiss is placed against his neck

Stevie turns and smiles, “Alex”, he opens his arms so she can step into his hug

The club is particularly loud that night and Alex looks particularly good. She is wearing a short-cut red dress and her hair is loose so it spills wildly over her shoulders, her hips sway to the beat of the music. She runs a hand through his hair and strokes his cheek, “It’s been a long time, Stevie. You been avoiding me?”

“You? Never!” Stevie says, tilting his head to the side and giving her a teasing smile.

He feels something in his back pocket vibrate. His phone. Xabi. Kissing Xabi. Wanting to kiss Xabi again. And again. And again and again and again and again and again and again-

“Come with me,” he whispers huskily against Alex’s ear. He takes her hand and leads her past the writhing bodies on the dance floor and into a nearby bathroom. A couple are already making out against the sink so he kicks a stall door open and they stumble inside. Alex shoves him against the door and attacks his mouth with her own, quickly unbuckling his belt so his trousers pool with her underwear on the floor

And he doesn’t close his eyes because if he does, all he will see is Xabi’s face and his head hurts so fucking much and then he’s pushing up inside of Alex and panting and she’s moaning against his neck.

It’s over within minutes.

Xabi leaves for Spain the next day.

tbc.

Queen of attention to detail

2010-10-14T21:21:35Z

Look! This is me posting more and at a regular rate! Isn't it exciting?! Except my friend's list always seems so dead and lifeless and meh. COME BACK TO MEEEE, PEOPLE WHO ARE NO LONGER HERE FOR WHATEVER REASON. Anyway! This weekend I went to the Cheltenham Literary Festival which, I know, sounds lame since most of the people I know have wristbands from Reading and Glastonbury as opposed to 'Literature Festival 2010' book bags but that's just the kind of person I am, DEAL WITH IT. I saw a couple of young, up and coming authors speak as well as PHILIP PULLMAN (who you should know is one of my favourite authors ever. EVER) and Germaine Greer (she spoke more about biodiversity than she did feminism which was disappointing but she was still so interesting and tremendously likeable even though large parts of the media probably still paint her as this abbrasive man-hater). Also saw Martin Amis who was a complete dick and made this random generalisation about Islam which he then linked to female circumcision... something I know is considered by the religion to be deplorable. I hate when people in positions of such great influence - especially writers - are so insistently ignorant. Well, apart from that it was fun timez - Cheltenham is legit a ghost town though - DO NOT RECOMMEND.

In the spirit of all things literary, my BOOKS: (all my YA lit. is in storage, SADNESS. I need a bigger bookcase)

These are my leather bound, gold leaf, limited editions of Charles Dicken's collected works. I love them but I'm always afraid I'll accidentally rip a page or something equally disastrous so they pretty much just collect dust up there.

When I was younger, my books used to be in alphabetical order but then I decided to be gloriously pretentious and I had a colour-coded system. Clearly I couldn't handle it

The books that look really grimy are gifts from my grandfather when he last came to visit - he bought them in like, the late 1950s when he was a university student studying physics and all he could afford was really cheap literature. I LOVE the smell of old books though - it's almost as good as new books!

In the continued spirit of all things literary:

View Poll: #1631475

I want to be a lot more responsible about my TV-watching because I have a list of sooo many things I want to see and usually I'll watch like, 2 episodes and then give up OR I'll end up completely spoiling myself for a show without having watched a minute of it. BUT NO MORE, MY FRIENDS. I am sticking to a strict regiment from now on!!! With that: I've almost finished season 1 of The Good Wife.

I LOVE IT A LOT. I love the main cast - especially the women, who are so delightful to watch without this show being overstated about attempts to carry some kind of message about superiority or empowerment (though it does that but it's conveyed in a way I really like) I am always shocked by how ridiculously good Archie Punjabi is in this. British women with South Asian Subcontinental heritage REPRESEEEEENT! But seriously, I am tempted every time to re-watch Bend It Like Beckham so that I can listen to her say "innit"

"We have bad timing. We've always had... bad timing"

BUT WHY.
&: HIS FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE.

"You're the kid now. You don't have to take care of me"

2010-02-02T23:31:22Z

HAPPY LOST DAY!!!!

IT IS HERE IT IS FINALLY HERE AND YET! I am still undecided about watching it tomorrow or on Friday. I was initially going to wait till Friday because I feel like the season premiere is so particularly auspicious and thus deserved of a High Definition-comfort-of-my-living-room viewing BUT... Lost is not just a tv show, it's an experience and I don't think I can stomach the thought of having to wait three days/tooons of people being aware before I am. SO YES, STILL CONFUSED. Buuuut if I do decide to watch it on Friday I will probably be taking a break from all things internet-shaped so this is just to let people know that. But at the moment I am leaning more towards watching it tomorrow. IRREGARDLESS, I cannot believe that this is the end! I'm not quite sure at what point it'll hit me but for now I'm just ecstatic that superior television is now available to me once again.

OH MAN, JUST CONTINUE TO IGNORE ME AND MY SAD OBSESSION. I NEED AN OUTLET AND THIS HAPPENS TO BE IT.

Shawn: You're ridiculous.
Belle: What?
Shawn: That ego of yours.

Excuse my shitty screencapping skills but I LOVE SCENES LIKE THIS SO MUCH with all the arguing about things that really do not need to be argued over. And the beautiful, beautiful irony when watched in hindsight. SEE THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME. I will watch something like this and then the scene I just re-watched was one where he goes "It is so easy to love you" Oh man, I am so into this romantic drivel. You could enclose me in a cheese bubble with people saying sappy crap to each other and my life would be complete. WHY DO I HAVE THIS PROBLEM WITH FICTIONAL ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS?

There is too much television to watch on Mondays! But The Big Bang Theory was perfect, I though. That last 'bazinga' was ALL Jim Parsons, right? GOOD GOD I LOVE THAT MAN. And Life Unexpected anyone? I think I loved this episode even more than the last two - what a great way to portray a mixture of conflicting emotions without being overwrought or pretentious. I adore it so, so much.

[I will reply to the comments re: that character meme soon-ish, promise]

Yes, I'm listening to Hanson.

2010-01-02T22:12:17Z

OH MAN, my New Year's Eve. I feel like this is probably a long and perhaps not-so-javascript:void(0);interesting story but I am telling it ANYWAY. Basically, we had decided to go into Central London because there is always a massive fireworks display over the Thames every year. We got there at about 8-ish (FOUR HOURS BEFORE MIDNIGHT) because if you cut it too close, they begin to section off the streets due to the massive crowds of people. Also: this was supposedly the coldest night of the year. But that part wasn't so bad, actually and we managed to pass the time quite quickly even though it was FREEZING. I wore THREE PAIRS OF SOCKS (THREE!!!!) but about two hours in, I had no feeling in my toes. Despite all of that, midnight came and we saw the fireworks (we had a SPECTACULAR view, we were pretty much right in front of the London Eye) and it was amaaaaziiiiiiing. ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY worth waiting for. And then about five minutes after it had struck midnight and the fireworks had ended, it started to snow! Not, heavily but it was like: MOVIE-MAGIC-MOMENT, so surreal.

Up until that point, everything had been great. BUT THEN WE HAD TO GET HOME. OH. DEAR. GOD. We had parked the car at a station that was quite far away and then taken the train (translation: subway) to Westminister (which is where the fireworks were) but at midnight they had closed it because there were tooooons of people. So we had to walk to the next station which took about 10 times longer than it should have because of all of the people, and everyone was drunk and the policemen were on their horses so there was shit everywhere and when we got to the next station: THAT WAS CLOSED TOO. So we decided to walk to the station where the cars were parked (if you are knowledgable about London: from Trafalgar Square to Baker Street) and there were broken bottles EVERYWHERE and it was just, ugh. FORTUNATELY! We didn't have to walk all the way to where the cars were because there was a station closer-by that was still opened. So, finally made it to the cars and we were driving back and talking about how gross really-drunk-people-in-public are when this car collided with ours from behind. The driver was drunk, etc but I think their car had been damaged more than ours though the scariest thing was more the immediate shock than anything else. So! After aallll of that we got home at 3.30-ish. NEVER AGAIN, MY FRIENDS. Never. Again.

Moving on: I FINISHED CHUCK!!!! In like, four days (and I thought I would have problems getting done by the time season 3 started!) BUT I COULDN'T STOP. I would finish one episode and then be like: gfgjfkgjdf NEXT!!!!! It was becoming quite problematic but now I'm sad that I watched it so quickly because I can't be bothered to wait an entire week for another episode!

THIIIIIIIIIIIS SHOW, OH MAN. THIS SHOW:

Ok, I don't really have DEFINITIVE thoughts and I don't want to ramble (I'm going to end up rambling) so I'll split this up into points (thus this will probably be the least organised thing you will ever see ever)

01) I am SO bored by Buy More and all the people in it that are not Chuck and Casey. I mean Morgan and everyone else are all endearing enough but there were so many episodes where they would have storylines that were so detached from everything that Chuck was doing and I get that a lot of the time it's supposed to be comic relief and it's supposed to balance things if there's something darker going on but EVERY TIME I would find myself saying "get back to chuck get back to chuck" and theeeen I ended up skipping bits involving them if they didn't impact on the rest of the episode. THIS IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE REASONS I MANAGED TO GET THROUGH TWO SEASONS SO QUICKLY.

02) Ellie & Captain Awesome!!!! I have such a big thing for pre-show established relationships that involve happy people who also happen to be disgustingly pretty. And it helps that they are so great as individuals as well. This should probably be it's own bullet point but: ELLIE/CHUCK!!! I lah-oooove them. They were probably my favourite relationship back in season one (I still ADORE them now) because she is so invested in his life and his happiness, it is like her main priority always. It's so sweet that Chuck seems to get upset the most when all the spy-stuff interferes with Ellie/Awesome as opposed to anything else.

03) JOHN MOTHERFUCKING CASEY. OHMYGOD YOU GUYS, OHMYGOD. I went into this show already having massive amounts of love for Adam Baldwin so at first I was all: Casey!!! purely on principle but I so genuinely LOVE him now. He's like the Harry to Sarah and Chuck's Hermione and Ron and his indignation and sense of loyalty and thennn at the end of season two when he helped with the wedding and was all "YOU RANG?" AND I WAS ALL: HOLY SHIT, YES SIR. ALSO: John Casey and Jayne Cobb should meet. I feel like they would get along really well if it weren't for the fact that Jayne is kind of an outlaw and all

04) SARAH WALKER. GKDJGDKLGJDLSKGJDSLKSJD. Admittedly when I first started I was ambivalent about her and for that I AM SORRY BECAUSE I ADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE HER NOW. I mean, disregarding the fact that Yvonne I-can't-spell-her-surname-one-day-I-will-try is GORGEOUS in every single way possible and the fact that she's so kick-ass, I love her inner conflict in terms of emotional involvement. Chuck and Casey are basically two extremes. With Casey it's just NO and with Chuck it's just something he doesn't even question because he's not a spy but seeing Sarah's vulnerability as she actually struggles with her feelings and attempting to resist them vs. doing the right thing and what really IS the right thing? And the episodes devoted to her past! I am so glad they did those, I ADORE HER.

05)

I adore Casey and Sarah's dynamic - not in a romantic way - the fact that they were almost on opposite sides at the beginning and now they work so well together! And you hardly see them having conversations but that's ok with me, really. Though when they do have actual scenes that are not of the physical violence variety, they are the beeeest. 2x18 (Chuck vs. The Broken Heart) is my favourite episode of the show - and I LOVE the scene towards the end where Casey tells the new agent that Sarah is the best partner he's ever had. IT DID THINGS TO MY HEART. I doubt that they will ever hug, BUT THEY SHOULD OK. MAKE IT HAPPEN, SHOW. Oh oh oh, and I just love the team in general - it BROKE MY HEART when they were 'against each other' in 2x21 but the ending was absolutely perfect SO ALL IS GOOD. THE THREE OF THEM ARE MY FAVOURITES.

06) CHUCK AND SARAH. Yessss, especially if you follow me on tumblr, you MUST have seen this coming! I'll keep it short since I've already typed an essay but I wasn't SUPER into them in season one which was ok with me because I still liked the show. I think it had to do with it not being fully reciprocal or the way they were portraying it BUT THEN SEASON TWO HAPPENED AND SHE LOVES HIM SO, SO, SO MUCH. AND JUST, I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT.

FAAAAAVOURITE:

Chuck: Close your eyes

I wont even attempt to do this next scene because I would just end up having 20000 screencaps, I SWEAR - because every second of the scene contains something that make me go "ohhhhhhhhhmygoooood" SO I will just leave you with these two guh-worthy screencaps:

07) Why does Alexandra Patsavas keep re-using music between shows? They played Slow Show at the beginning of season one and then in 2x16 (I thiiiiink?) they played Signs by Bloc Party. I have to say though - and do not kill me since I know it's like, illegal for people to say good things about Gossip Girl - I thought it was used to better effect in the Gossip Girl episode.

08) I CANNOT WAIT FOR SEASON THREE!!!!! BUT WHAT, WHY IS SHE ASKING HIM TO RUN AWAY WITH HER. WHAT IS GOING OOOOOOON

I am no Prince. I am no Saint

2009-12-29T23:36:20Z

FIRST OFF: I started watching Chuck! I was really, really going to go with Sons of Anarchy but it just so happened that on that particular night I was really in the mood for something slightly more easy-going so yeah, that happened. And I still think the pilot is boring. Or at least, it's not a satisfactory opening, IMO. BUT OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS I LOVE IT NOW. I have thoughts though most of them are exclamation marks and things like: JOHN CASEY/ADAM BALDWIN (residual firefly love) I ADOOOOOORE YOU!!!!!! I'm only five episodes in but I really don't know why I didn't like the premise more - it's so refreshing.

AHHH, this took me so long to do and now my fingers hurt and my brain is slightly numb so excuse me if towards the end of all of this things begin to make NO sense. It is late and I have a small brain capacity. Just an FYI: I didn't have a particular approach when I did this. I just tried to think of characters who I have loved - those who sprung immediately to mind.

People who are not in this picspam but should be mentioned: Taylor Townsend, Lisa Cuddy, Chris Miles and some other people who I can't seem to think of at the moment! ALSO, I get that 14 is a random number but it happened to work out that way!

14; Veronica Mars

Ok, admittedly my love for Veronica has not been a constant force - it has instead kind of ebbed and flowed? It's great though that the titular character was able to become so popular because most leads seem to be hated on the basis that THEY ARE LEADS. On one level Veronica was witty and sarcastic and so it's easy to like her purely for those qualities. But! At the same time she was loyal and loving while displaying really amazing amounts of badassery and skill. She was at times defensive and emotionally closed up - open to a select few - but really, really understandably so. OH and INDEPENDENCE!!! Veronica was very easy-to-aspire-to in that way, except when it stopped her from letting herself need people. BASICALLY: Veronica is the poster child for going through a shit-load of crap but still being able to say something snarky at the end of the day.

13; Rachel Berry

Oh, I feel guilty putting Rachel here because I have only known and loved her for a mere few months but when I was making this list - she just STUCK and she wouldn't leave which is characteristic of her but yes: that's why she's here. ALSO BECAUSE I LOVE HER. I can't remember what my feelings for her were when I watched the pilot though I feel like back then she was majorly loved if only because everyone was determined to love EVERY.SINGLE.THING about the show - not surprisingly the backlash has already begun because the internet ala society loves to place people on pedestals and then tear them down. But I didn't mind not really liking her because my satisfaction quota was met with the singing and happy faces and the !!!!! I really didn't need a character or relationship to invest in and this was my mindset once the show began to pick up again. But what began as maybe mild dislike grew to gradual toleration, then admiration and finally FULL BLOWN OUT LOVE. The moment when I probably went: FUCK YES, RACHEL BERYYYYY is in her last scene with Puck in 'Wheels'. I DID NOT EVEN NOTICE HE WAS THERE - when she says 'I want everything too much' - I know she spares Finn a glance as well BUT I DID NOT NOTICE HE WAS THER EITHER. Rachel is so determined and passionate, she knows what she wants and she accepts who she is regardless of what people think/do/say. And at first she was so a-typically selfish in terms of what SHE wanted to achieve HER goals but HOLY CHARACTER GROWTH BATMAN, no-one contributes more to Glee, no-one puts in the same amount of effort. As Rachel Berry. FLAWLESS, PERFECT, HEART-BREAKING, INSPIRING, LOVE HER, ETC, ETC.

12; Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds

Oh Captain, my captain! I will never not be angry at Fox for taking this show and it's myriad of wonderful characters away from me. Mal is such a conflicted character but at the same time he is like every typical bitter and resentful war veteran - it aaaaaalmost verges on annoying for me SOMETIMES. I think at the end of the day, while Mal spends so much time being consumed by his hatred for the alliance - he still loves so deeply. He would do absolutely anything for his crew because he always sees them as more than just that - they're his ~*FAMILY*~ even though he will never willingly admit it. He gets general plus points for being amusing and kick-ass and looking good when bloody. HE IS ALSO VERY SAD. I think I'm inherently drawn to sad characters.

11; Anne Boleyn

You would think that after having to study a module on the Reformation along with the Mid-Tudor crisis in general, I would be sick of all things Henry VIII-related and to an extent, I REALLY AM but not Annnnnne!!! I do think this is a case where the actor really defines and makes the role because despite all of Anne's schemes and machinations, Natalie always plays her AS A GIRL as opposed to just a historical construct or piece of time. There is always so much humanity about Anne - so much restrained want and passion. There is something so regal about her but it's juxtaposed with this glorious bitchy-ness. And OK, HONESTLY: has the show been the same without her? I know IIIIII don't watch anymore

10; Theodore Evelyn Mosby

Tedddddddd! YOU GUYS, I love all the characters on this show! I LOVE Barney - I LOVE NPH and think he is severely underappreciated considering this show is on it's fifth season and he has YET to win an Emmy for it SAY WHAT. But oh man, Ted Mosby YOU GUYS. TED MOSBY. I think maybe when the show started I kind of hated Ted a little bit? Looking back on it, I'm really not sure why! I love Ted for being idealistic and romantic when most guys don't want to be. I love how he is almost religious about the whole process of finding THE ONE. I love Barney, but I would never want to be in a relationship with him. Ted, on the other hand? Teddddddddddd. ALSO SOMETIMES: I feel like I relate to Ted more than any other character on television: the fact that corrects people's grammar and scans menus for errors. YES, it's all tremendously pretentious but who doesn't enjoy when it when Ted is getting his douche on? I just adore him and want so badly for him to find happiness/someone who is as appreciative of love as a concept as he is.

09; Betty Draper

So, about being drawn to sad characters! That quote about her being "so profoundly sad" and then her response to it, I think sums up her character perfectly. Betty is a product of her time - from the way she goes about her life to her amazing ~parenting skillz. My favourite episodes of the show are probably the ones that really focus on Betty and why she is the way she is. Obviously, like I said, a large part of it is attributed to time and place but also simply because: betty grew up not knowing any better which for me, is one of things about her that depresses me the most. Like, with Don - he makes mistakes and he's able to better correct them or I suppose for eg: be a more favourable parent because he is aware of the fact that his childhood and everything he had to go through was a pile of shit. Betty, on the other hand, didn't exactly have The Taylors for parents yet she's under the impression that her way of existing is acceptable. Which is so saaaad. I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND how people feel more sympathetic towards Don. I get it: Jon Hamm has serious charisma, etc BUT STILL. I JUST DO NOT GET IIIIIIT.

08; Dr. Sheldon Cooper

SHELDOOOOON, OH MAN I DON' T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING INTERESTING TO SAY. Basically: what should be the case is that we should all hate Sheldon and be constantly annoyed by everything he does. FUNNILY ENOUGH: this is really not the case. Jim Parsons makes Sheldon human but never to too large an extent! ~Sheldon's Journey~ has been so fascinating - him becoming more aware of social convention as well as human emotion! AND HE DOES HAVE A HEART - obviously he is not the most expressive person in the world but! but! LIKE PENNY SAID: He's like Wall-E (I have not seen this movie but it seems like a good thing to refer to) AND JIM PARSONS IS AMAZING. In any other actor's hands I shudder to think what Sheldon would be like. GIVE THE MAN AWARDS PEOPLE, GIVE THEM TO HIIIIIIM.

07; Dr. Juliet Burke

I think I have a thing for depressed, slightly cold blonde women lacking in emotion. But really: JULIET!!! JULIET!!! JULIET!!! ALTHOUGH: I looooove Lost and there are A BUNCH of other characters that could have been on this list - I'm sorry Sawyer, ILY STILL. Anyway, who knew this woman would grow to become so beloved? LOOK at her delivering babies and shooting people and being logical and loving and wonderfulllll. I just, I can't do without her! I never REALLY thought the show could have a character that was absolutely integral to my viewing experience but PLEASE COME BACK TO ME JULIET. She also speaks Latin. Can you get more badass? NO SIR, I DO NOT THINK YOU CAN.

06; Chuck Bass

ARE YOU EVEN SURPRISED. For me, you can view Chuck in two ways and they will both always be endlessly entertaining. You can choose to see him as this humorous entity; i.e: this teenage boy who wears pastel suits, spent a very large proportion of his life doing nothing but working his way through catalogues of models and now runs/owns A HOTEL that like, functions and actually makes money and stuff. Which is fun! Chuck Bass is absolutely ridiculous and a lot of the time 90% of what he says and does (HE HAS A P.I ON SPEED DIAL) is ridiculous and hilarious as well. ORRRR you could also choose to make inclusive his angsty, emo tales of woe - his self loathing and lack of faith in himself which are all very srsbsns issues that I like to TAKE as opposed to leave. Chuck doesn't pass judgement (except if you're poor and if that's the case why are you even in the same vicinity HDU) and he's there if you need him (THANX FOR THE GOOD TIMES NATE, SERENA). In my harsh and honest opinion, the show would be 100% less interesting without him.

05; Inara Serra

I know Inara isn't everyone's favourite which makes me sad but it's ok because I have massive, massive amounts of love for her to make up for it! Her character is filled with contradictions - but in an interesting-not-stupid way! She's very motherly in terms of the rest of the crew and I think she sees herself as that figure but at the same time it's like she cannot help but put distance between herself and everyone else. One of my faaaavourite scenes (WHICH ALSO HAPPENS TO BE A MAL/INARA SCENE, I CANNOT HELP IT. I ADORE THEM SO MUCH) is in 'Heart of Gold' where at the beginning she's talking to Mal about their mission to help Julie Cooper and she's all: obviously, you'll be paid for your service and he's all chirpy and cheery and other nice adjectives: it's ok! we're friends! AND THEN SHE JUST MAKES HIM REALLY SAD BY SAYING THAT, THAT IS IN FACT NOT THE CASE AND IT'S STRICTLY BUSINESS, ETC ETC. So even Mal is attempting to take a step forward, Inara will recoil and take two steps back. She's absolutely fascinating - her job! I haven't talked about her job! And the conflict of her having the job she does while clearly being in love with someone who despises it, etc ALSO ON A SHALLOW NOTE: soooooooo pretty, I cannot even.

04; The cast of Friday Night Lights

I genuinely tried to pick just ONE and I kind of, sort of came close BUT THEN I JUST COULDN'T and I was looking at a similar picspam someone had done and they'd just bunched the entire cast together so I thought WHAT THE HELL AND SO EVERYONE IS HERE because they are all sooo lovvvely, and inspiring and have all had theit scenes and their moments (Riggins is not here because I didn't have enough spaces. HE was the one who got cut off because while I love him, I love everyone else just a liiiittle bit more) So, really there's not a lot to say. This show has so much heart and the way it's conveyed is always through these characters who are real and flawed but always rootable. I MISS A LOT OF THEM, OH MAN.

03; Jess Mariano

I think I said this in an entry someone else made as well but so much of my younger teenage years are linked to Jess though back then my feelings for him were on a very base level, mostly things like: OHMYGAWD SoOo HAWT1!1 Now though, I just have a bunch of incoherent thoughts that I really can't seem to formulate into words properly. Jess messed up numerous times but I thought it was never without some larger reason: he was a social recluse and pretty much lacking in any sense of family or the knowledge of: HOW TO TREAT PEOPLE DECENTLY and I will alwaaaays be enamoured by his attempts to navigate those new waters where he had to be the belle of the ball's boyfriend in a town where he was constantly judged and the people really, really never let up. For all the hits Jess had, which yes were probably fewer than his misses, he was never lauded for them. The only person Jess ever had in his corner, apart from Rory, was Luke but retrospectively I liked that. We weren't constantly being told about how great he was, etc. AND ALL OF THAT ASIDE: Jess introduced me to the Beats! To Kerouac and Bukoswki! HE READS AUSTEN! HE WANTS TO CONVINCE YOU THAT HEMMINGWAY IS READABLE. I missss him - hopefully he's in some publishing house somewhere - that is above a bookstore. Of any character that I love, his future is the most easy to imagine.

02; Brooke Davis

I AM GETTING TIRED OF WRITING and I'm pretty sure that most of what I'm saying makes little to no sense right about now anyway so I shall try and keep this short: I don't even watch this show anymore! I became mostly indifferent with the advent of season 4 and nowww I kind of don't really care though I will watch a few choice scenes because I still think Sophia Bush is perfect and I love that Brooke Davis-the-fuckup has become this person who has achieved all these goals (THOUGH SHE CRIES ALL THE TIME, WHAT WHY) But yesss, seasons 1-3, EVEN WHEN I JUST THINK OF SEASON 1, it makes my heart ache. Brooke is about loyalty and love and heart and yes, she's amusing and really, really hot but she's so forgiving and so aware of her flaws regardless of the facade that she would put on. I cannot believe this show started in 2003. HOW HAS IT BEEN SO LONG but in large part: even though I don't watch anymore, I will always consider her one of my favourite characters - I was sooo in love with her.

01; The cast of The West Wing

Ok, so I'm kind of cheating AGAIN. But if I thought picking ONE character from FNL was hard, doing the same for this show was just INSAAAANE. Also: I know the show did not necessarily begin in the 00's but it was 1999! SO I AM COUNTING IT. And yes, each and every one of these characters. LIKE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY BECAUSE MOST OF THE TIME THIS IS WHAT THIS SHOW DOES TO ME. IT RENDERS ME SPEECHLESS. And this! This is why the show is so good! It should be boring! All these people walking around in such a sterile environment! But it's really, really not because they are focused on so delicately - their motives, their backgrounds - and not just in a way that makes them interesting but in a way that makes you ADORE THEM. I just. I could not love these people more if I tried. I'm so glad that I watched this show and that I got to experience them and theit triumphs and their losses and uggggh I MISS THEM. BUT YES, FAVOURITES FOREVER AND EVER - PURE UNADULTERATED BRILLIANCE .

You are the only exception

2009-12-20T01:07:43Z

YOU GUYS, why does everyone always update with tremendously interesting things when I'm gone? On Friday, LJ in all of it's entirety was dead and I had NOTHING to do and then come today when I had to go to Derby (WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN LIVE IN DERBY, no offense to those who do but really why would you choose to do so?) there are about 50 different entries to look at! I will get to it once this has been posted - which it would have been earlier but as stated previously, I had to go to Derby! Which was eventful, except not really.

Anyway onto thiiiiisssss. I am doing this for several reasons: one being I love chuck and blair and I love talking about them! Numero two: this gets to be my christmas present to the rest of the world and I figure, also my last hurrah of sorts as once this is done I really, really need to get working/studying. I am thinking a good clean strech till about the end of January and hopefully by then I should be able to breeaathe. Number three: EH, THERE IS NONE. Really, this is pure indulgence on my part. I find even when people are talking about these two (or I guess the show in general?) positively it is always in this passive-agressive way like: WOW, SHOW I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH YOU MADE ME LIKE THEM. Well, this wont be like that as I don't particularly FEEL like that. This post will be 50% JOY and 50% !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET EXCITED. I will not get into detail about aspects of fandom that retract from my enjoyment as it ruins the mood, whatever I AM HAPPY YOU CANNOT KILL MY BUZZ.

3.01

FACES. You could probably say that a significant amount of my enjoyment of Season 3 is just the utter delight that is their faces around each other. But basically what a lovely opening to their relationship this season in that: THEY CANNOT COPE WITHOUT EACH OTHER FOR 3 HOURS. It is too, too much to handle and dependency to a large extent is kind of unhealthy but also really, really wonderful to watch? This was in fact probably my favourite scene of the episode though because a) clearly they find immense amounts of pleasure purely by being in each other's presence, b) 3 HOURS IS 3 HOURS TOO LONG, c) uhhh sex in public friends.

It is at this point (i.e: the beginning, haha) that I get to start a kink list, yayyyy!

1.) sex in public

Look at that angsty-cap-of-woe at the end right there! More of that later, it's just here to look pretty for the time being (which is what most angst is for, let's be honest!). OH GOSH, AGAIN; faaaaaaces. For me, this scene is reminiscent of the scene before they graduate which is tenuous and awkward and vulnerable in a but-i-wont-let-you-see way which is fun because it's a dynamic the show doesn't often choose to portray (which is ok too! I LIKE HAPPINESS)

How can you hate it when two people's ultimate goal within their relationship is to make each other as happy as possible? That's pretty much what this scene is about really. And also mature approaches to relationships!!! Which really, everyone on this show SUCKS at doing understandably as they have not found each other the way Chuck and Blair have. But yes basically, I wrote about this when the episode first aired: Chuck realises that there is a problem and he asks her about to so that they can solve said problem together. Albeit it doesn't resolve itself till the end of the episode BUT THEY HAVE CONVERSATIONS WHERE THEY DISCUSS ISSUES and like, is he even concentrating on what she's saying when he's looking at her like that at the same time?

OH MAN SERIOUSLY: what I said, about this episode being all about the faces. Second cap in the bottom row!!! She is being lit by the glow of a thousand moons or some shit I do not even know but if I had to pick something that read utter contentment and also screamed LOVELOVELOVE I would pick that screencap because I think it conveys it so, so perfectly. And I LOVE the basic gist of this scene which is, in all it's cheesy glory, that he is nooothing without her and also: SHE'S SO SILLY TO THINK THAT HE WOULD RISK THIS, what they have, over something as trivial as a leggy, blonde model/socialite/idk what she was tbh. And his smiiiile at her affected "Chuck Baaaass" - like, in private they laugh at most of the eccentric things he does everyday

OTHER ADORABLE THINGS THAT HAPPENED THIS EPISODE DETAILS DETAILS:

Their hands in the penultimate cap! She is just grasping four fingers as opposed to his actual hand!!! And he cannot stop touching her or they cannot stop touching each other i.e: THEY MUST REMAIN IN PHYSICAL CONTACT ALWAYS. UGH I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

3.02

I don't even know why there is so much of this scene here since it's so seeminly insignificant. I think the body language in this scene is A+ in this unique and wonderful way. SHE SHIVERS AND THE NUZZLING AND OH MAN WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THAT PENULTIMATE SCREENCAP. Also, I really enjoy them just having conversations about stuff. This, I guess, bores people but me being the very bad voyeuristic loser that I am, finds infinite enjoyment in little details like him seeing her off and how genuinely pleased she is by the very fact. ALSO YOU CAN'T SEE IT HERE BUUUUT: HER LEG POPS AT THE END (thank you mia thermopolis! via. the princess diaries!)

THIIIIIS SCEEEEEENE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is kind of ridiculous to get so excited over something that is so quiet and well, simplistic but OH MAN OH MAN, THIS SCENE. Every movement, action, breath, EFFING SECOND, is perfect. From her sigh once she is settled beside him to the way he draws comforting circles on her hand and everything before and everything in-between and everything after!!!! I feel like there is so much I could say about this scene but it never comes out coherently or the way I WANT it to come out. This scene exemplifies a big theme in their relationship, that being that they find utter and complete solace within each other. They don't have to say or do anything, it's just the simple act of being NEXT to each other.

I LOVE COMMON THEMES AND PARALLELS SO MUCH and also I'm going to skip ahead because it is inkeeping with my train of thought:

3.09

See! IT'S A THEME. Except this scene is slightly different as OBVIOUSLY, Blair needs more than Chuck to just exist but still! I guess it's nice that she felt comfortable enough to express how much he matters as a component in her life and how wholly necessary he is? I love all the kissing and nuzzling that goes on in this scene - it is insubstantial but apparently I will never ever take things like this for granted: I am incapable of doing so. ALSO: I like that he knows exactly how to adress this situation; yay for good boyfriends!!!

RE HIS SPEECH TO SERENA WHICH IS ALSO IN THIS EPISODE: I get that it was more about Blair and Serena and the blah-de-blah BUT REALLY it was also mostly about how Chuck worships Blair to a scary degree - it's not even about idealising her but genuinely loving every aspect of her and to have THAT much belief in someone, it says things!

3.03

FIRST OF ALL: hahahahahah, his face = ILOVEMYLIFESOMUCHSOMETIMES

I have nothing profound to say: gratuitous caps because - SO PRETTY and nooooses and thigh caressing and so much smiling OMG MY FACE HURTS BECAUSE OF IT. HEH, kink list:

1.) sex in public
2.) eating off each other

I am slightly disturbing myself by writing this out alone in my room, NOT GONNA LIE. ANYWAY: physical intimacies that are now natural because THEY ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP so they get to put their hands on certain places and drag each other through doors and IN GENERAL IT IS WONDERFUL

The kink list makes a brisk return:

1.) sex in public
2.) eating off each other
3.) spanking

I thoroughly approve of these tactics being used ALWAYS in Blair's attempts to win any and all arguments. I like that this scene appears to be going for a SIMPLY AMUSING! angle at first but resolves itself into something more - as stated previously, Chuck has endless amounts of belief in Blair and genuinely so so so genuinely thinks that she is superior to just about everyone else ever. In the same way I think the faith Blair has in Chuck is perhaps on a more quiet scale which is somewhat more resonant as a result? I like that these THINGS come out of them at inopportune times and how SHOCKED AND APPALLED they are: WHY CAN'T YOU SEE HOW AWESOME YOU ARE WHEN IT IS SO OBVIOUS TO ME?

Lovely lovely lovely set of caps! I like that it sometimes appears as though he is in constant shock because he is in a functioning, working, LOVING relationship with Blair Waldorf. I looooooooove the way she looks at him sometimes(often) - she is so deeply affected by WHO HE IS and everything he does and it she doesn't want it to but it makes her so sad. EYES, OHMYGOOOOD.

FIRST CAP BOTTOM ROW! LOOK AT IT LOOK AT LOOOOOOK AT IT! They get to make-out all the time! How is it that they kiss for five seconds and look as though they've had some great emotional upheaval? This scene is so sweet it gives me diabetes. His "lolol they think I've lost her mind" and her semi-cautious "lolol, HAVE YOU THOUGH???"

OTHER THINGS THAT WERE REALLY GREAT ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

The way Chuck Bass smiles at Blair Waldorf! He is both amused and endeared by everything she does

3.04

So. The dialogue for this scene was choppy at best and Chuck Bass slips a knotch or two in his attempts to be the best-boyfriend-ever - minus points deducted purely based on execution? I STILL LIKE WHAT HE WAS TRYING TO DO: which again, was just to let her know that he thinks she is the best human being alive, he worships her, her getting him to worship her is a pretty cool feat, best believe she can do anything she wants, ETC ETC. THE WALKING AWAY WAS SO RANDOM THOUGH. Whyyyyy would you just leave her standing there! I guess he had to go and pay that photographer and make a laboured Dumbo metaphor but still!

And! Oh woops, this should have been added earlier!

1.) sex in public
2.) eating off each other
3.) spanking
4.) role-playing

3.05

UGH MAKING ALL OF THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN! Looking at HQ caps is like reliving everything but in magnified detail which is 60x better I think! BUT ANYWAY: He cannot resist waking her up! His robe is so gross! SMIIIIIIIIILES. Does she ever sleep in her dorm? THIS LJ: WHERE IMPORTANT ISSUES ARE DISCUSSED.

Weird exotic oriental massages! haha, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Actuallyyyy after 3x12 and 3x03, this is probably my favourite episode in terms of showcasing their relationship. Just because they dont REALLY DO anything - they are featured quite a bit but are inconsequential for the most part which I get bothers people loads and they should be DOING!SOMETHING! but mehhh, I could watch a show devoted wholly to them just BEING and I would be completely satisfied; and I think this episode was a lot about that. Conversations! I love when they have conversations - dialogue within established relationships is a favourite of mine, weirdly.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whenever I get morose about all of this, I think: THE SCRIPT WANTED CHUCK AND BLAIR TO LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN THE MIDDLE OF A WEDDING CEREMONY: DURING THE PIVOTAL PART OF THE VOWS. It has deep significance! A lot of the time I get so annoyed with over-readings of things. Over-simplification is one thing but sometimes people see things that are just not THERE and I get that everything is open to interpretation but also: NO. I like that this is so obvious and in-your-face - they pointedly stare at each other and think: GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Also! What I like about this episode is the different facets of their relationship it revealed. They can spend most of the day sparring and at the end still be like "OHMYGOD YOOOOOUUUU! I saw you five minutes ago BUT HI HI HI" Seriously, that bottow row of caps is dripping happy - my screen is meltiiiiinnggg

3.06

I have a weird affinity for this scene - maybe it's the way he says "Always" or her general use of expression OR the way she does not push the issue of him kissing guys. I choose to believe that she is not TRULY surprised by it.

OHHH PRETTY PEOPLE ANGSTY TIMES. Do. Not. Even. Care. I love their faces here and the excessive neck shots/glistening eyes. EMOTE MY LOVELY ACTORS, EMOTE! In that same vein, I am so so thankful that they are yet to have any third-party-esqye conflict. May it remain that way please&thank you!

3.07

AHHH, I will be perfectly honest and say that I did have issues with this episode in terms of expectations vs. reality. I suppose I was hoping things would be addressed in a different way that was more DRUM-ROLL-ISH, I guess? I feel this episode is more of a set-up for what is sure to come later though: Jack and their apparent ~TRUST ISSUES~ But eh, the episode was good for some lovelyyyyy shots! NUZZLING, looks of admiration, laughing at Perez Hilton

3.08

I'm not quite sure why I like this scene so much: Conversation, I guess - though not very significant and simplicity! I love the set-up of the first cap and think it's soooo aesthetically pleasing somehow: COULD STARE FOREVER. And they go to art exhibitions together!!! HAHA, CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE.

1.) sex in public
2.) eating off each other
3.) spanking
4.) role-playing
5.) idk, a variety of props (DAMN YOU SERENA)

Chuck and Blair don't do very much for the next few episodes, when they do feature they are lovely and pretty ALWAYYYYS. SOME NICE SHOTS:

I love that all these caps manage to display a sense of innate intimacy in the most subtle of ways

3.12

Ohhhh, Blair. INSERT SADFACE HERE. I love her determination here, I think throughout this episode she never crossed into forceful or pushy which was nice. Also! The end of this scene was a nice callback to this:

I love the urgency with which she presses the button.

They have developed a method to their madness! More simply stated: I like that he tries to get her to leave as it's probably he will say something he'll regret. I like that she DOES leave when asked - her patience in this episode was INSANE. OH, HIS REGRETFUL POSTURE IN THAT CAP. Annnnnd when he backed her up against the door! They have this indecent habbit of making angst really hot which sounds shallow but it's true! That scene in last season's finale when she says "I love you so much it consumes me"? She spends a really good proportion of that scene staring at his mouth, guuuuuuuuh

I HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS NEXT SCENE TO DEATH. Really, I'm pretty sure people are sick of me expounding so I think it is better to leave it simply as it is without comment? Hopefully it is more powerful that way. I do think it's such a great scene

SO wow, that was the season! I miss having their realtionship onscreen every week!!! WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS, I HAVE THEM. Please refrain from re-posting this elsewhere. I don't know why you would but if you have the urge? Resiiiiist! If you have the urge to comment negatively? Resiiiist! I get that plenty of people have issues with the choices this show makes but I'm sure you can find another place in which to rant about all of that.

I can't stop listening to Mariah Carey

2009-12-08T16:03:58Z

As per usual, I went overboard. I was attempting to scale it back but (thankfully!) this scene was gloriously long and absolutely everything I capped look pretty and wonderful and woeful all at the same time

OH MAN, THIS SCENE. I can't even begin. I realise the purpose of this scene is more to relay how Chuck has grown and changed but what I LOVED about it was how it inadvertently displayed how amazing their relationship is. It is necessity and acceptance; wanting so badly to help and to just be there. ED WESTWIIIIIICK. OH GOSH, EDWESTWICKICANNOTEVEN. I honestly wasn't expecting the emotional depth this episode came with - I had assumed ghost!bard would stop by and throw a few insults Chuck's way but the way it was portrayed as a projection of a Chuck's manifested issues? Leighton was so so so so lovely here as well - the way Blair's face begins to visibly crumple as he spoke so that you could HEAR her heart breaking for him and everything that he thinks but SHE knows he's not. What a lovely portrayal of complete faith, trust and absolute love. Body language! The way she clings onto his scarf as they walk off; they way he leans on her because for Chuck, to be with Blair is to be thrown into complete relief and I feel this works both ways. I am thinking back now to all the times they have kissed but this one here? Quickly, against her temple? Is probably my favourite. It is so slight, it muffles his soft 'thank you' but it is so immensely appreciative and perfectly evoked how thankful he is that she simply exists. WONDERFULLY SHALLOW NOTE: GODDAMN, HE LOOKED REALLY GOOD IN THIS EPISODE. The cheekbones/jaw/contours of that wonderful face, in particular, were in top form

YOU GUYS, I FEEL SO LUCKY. I just adore absolutely every single thing about them. I am sure other exciting and interesting things happened in this episode but I really can't remember any of them. I'll try and rewatch the episode a little later.

I update this thing too much

2009-11-21T19:27:31Z

I woke with your name, like tears, soft, salt, on my lips

2009-11-16T15:54:09Z

Andie: My knees are shaking
Pacey: My heart, boom-boom boom-boom

WHY, DAWSON'S CREEK. WHY

Dishonesty is the key to a healthy marriage

2009-09-24T23:57:34Z

I have really bad headaches at the moment. I think it might be sleep deprivation. And univeristy application-esque stress. glgkfglfgjf. I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO GO AWAY. ANYWAY:

THIS WAS SUCH A LOVELY EPISODE I ADORED SO MUCH ABOUT IT EVEN THOUGH RACHEL WAS BARELY IN IT, I FELT (LOVE her, I'm sorry. I get that how abrasive she is might grate for some but I'm only constantly endeared by how hard she fights for the things she wants and how self aware she is). KURT KURT KURT KURT KURT KURT KURT. Everything about him and his storyline with his father was so wonderful! His insisting on dancing to 'Single Ladies' as he kicked the ball, WAVING TO HIS DAD JUST BEFORE THE GAME STARTED, and their conversation at the end!!! SO UNDERSTATED BUT WITH SUCH HUGE IMPACT. I WEEPED. Will's wife still brings the lulz by being batshit crazy. SUE HAS HER OWN NEWS SEGMENT. WHERE SHE IS PRO-LITTER. SHE IS TEAMING UP WITH SANDY WHO HAS A REALLY RISQUE JAPANASE ROBE. AND THE PRINCIPAL'S INDIAN ADVERTISEMENT!!! AND oh Finn and his lack of knowledge concerning libraries and crying to Will! THE POOR THING.

WHICH I GUESS KIND OF BRINGS ME TO THIS:

Now, if you've seen my previous entries concerning this show then you'll know that I was more than just a little bit onboard with these two happening. I'd read vague spoilers so I knew something WOULD happen but I wasn't sure HOW. Needless to say, I'm not ECSTATIC about the way they've been approached. Just because: SEE ABOVE - POOR FINN. I know he's kissed Rachel while he was with Quinn BUT STILL. It's not because I think Finn is desperately in love with Quinn or anything, I just don't want this to turn into one big angsty complex mess. EVEN THOUGH ALL SIGNS POINT THAT WAY. I just wish we could have avoided pregnancies and doing things behind people's backs YOU KNOW? LIKE, WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST HOLD HANDS AND SING WHITNEY HOUSTON SONGS? But I'm not judging too quickly!!! I loved what little interaction they did have and all the moony eyes he made at her and his jealous front and petty verbal attacks AND ALL THAT JAZZ. I GUESS TIME WILL TELL HOW THINGS WORK OUT.

So I've been meaning to do this for a while! Bright Star is about Keats and Fanny Brawne and their very short lived romance. Keats is not my favourite but I've been attempting to get into him since I'm reading a lot more poetry by the Romantics. But regardless of the kind of poetry he writes, I adore movies like this for being ridiculously sappy and pretty. For showcasing love that makes you delirious in a disapproving society and just general stuff like that. Nuzzling noses! Defending her honour! This is the trailer for the movie and this is Bright Star by Keats. Actually, I think this movie has been released in the US already? I know it comes out here mid October - CANNOT WAIT. CANNOT WAIT. So I picspammed the trailer

"Well, if it were up to me over fifties wouldn't be allowed to wear sleeveless shirts"

2009-09-09T23:38:40Z

WHAT, YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WATCHED THIS SHOW? Well, I don't really. I mean, there were some scenes I wanted to see but they weren't up on YouTube so I ended up downloading and then watching the entire thing. I was pleasantly surprised by how much fun it was!

OK BUT SERIOUSLY, the old guy? How unattractive was he? Was he really the best they could find because... NO.

I loved the whole Naomi/Silver/Adrianna dynamic. I know the first part of the show consisted mostly of them giggling and being rich while lying in the sun but I was still thoroughly entertained. I don't remember this trio-esque dynamic from last season but if it's a new addition, it's definitely a welcome one! Also, I feel like the show is more decadent now? I don't know, if I'm going to watch rich people being rich, I need for it to be excessive otherwise it's just not enjoyable.

I can never find things to enjoy in storylines involving babies/pregnancies. I'm all for everything soapy but in this case I can never work up the effort to care. Also, this episode deserves a drinking game. Drink everytime Adrianna says the word "drama"

Ha, I really like these two. Navid's hair! Dixon's sunglasses! They are an endless source of amusement.

Annie spends most of the episode being weepy and depressed because she accidentally killed someone and decided to not tell anyone. OH, TEEN ANGST.

I'm pretty sure this guy was on Days of our lives? I can't be bothered to IMDB it but I'm 98.8% sure! ALSO: HE IS ANNOYING. He's not pretty. He's beefy and blonde which is pretty eugh, I feel. But Naomi was all glowy in this scene - so pretty!

MORE ANNIE ANGST. HER PAIN, IT IS IMMENSE

I loved this scene! I also love how Naomi towers over Annie, causing her to literally cower in fright. BUT SERIOUSLY. HOW UNATTRACTIVE IS THIS GUY? His hammy acting was A+ though!

Things I love about Adrianna: the colour of her lipstick here, her height!

That was a nice kiss. I'm not really into Silver/Dixon though. They were all angsty and overdramatic here which normally I lovelovelove but I felt like their dynamic has already been long established and it didn't suit the episode at all. That being said, I still don't mind them. I could appreciate the scene for what it was without getting annoyed or invested. I WISH I COULD BE THIS WAY WITH ALL SHIPS.

Teddy's a bit of a douche. He's not even a pretty douche. He has nothing going for him.

Meh, I'm not really into these two either. I do like that penultimate screencap though. AND NAVID'S HAIR IS STILL AMUSING!!! Their relationship just feels stale and lacklustre to me.

OH, ANNIE

I love that in the midst of all of this, Naomi take's Navid's non-alcoholic wine and is still able to comment with a "What is this?"

OH HARSH, DIXON. It kind of feels like he's always refusing to hear the other side of the argument and I guess he has reason to in most cases but LOOK HOW PRETTY SILVER IS WHEN SHE'S DEVESTATED.

Navid's face throughout this entire sequence is magnificent: CONSTANT WOE.

I loved the way this scene was done in Buffy and this feels like an exact rip-off but IT'S OK!!! I LOVE MELODRAMATIC BREAKUP SCENES. ALSO, I'm a little bit in love with Jessica Stroup's face. I've never noticed how utterly lovely she is. Her new haircut really brings out her features - also she seems to always be unabashedly grinning! I LOVE THAT.

OOH, OK. SO NOW WE GET TO WHY I WATCHED THIS ENTIRE THING IN THE FIRST PLACE!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HIS FACE! PUPPY DOG EYES! And and and! When she turns around and walks away, he kind of gulps or swallows in a difficult and pained manner. And I love how shaken she is. ALSO, HE IS SUCH A BROODY CLICHE, LEANING AGAINST THE LOCKERS LIKE THAT BUT STILL. I LOVE IT. I love Liam's facebook-stalking ways and Naomi's overexcited jumping on the bed-ness because she can hardly contain herself. LIKE "I DIDN'T EXPECT TO BE THIS EXCITED OR ENAMORED BY YOU AND REALLY I SHOULDN'T BE BUT I AM. I AM I AM I AM." OH you guys, I think I really like them. Well, clearly. Since I ended up picspamming the entire episode but you know what I mean.

Transatlanticism

2009-09-07T21:30:39Z

So I feel now would be as good a time as any to talk about MERLIIIIN since this trailer came out and it has EXCITING STUFF YOU GUYYYYYS! I actually finished watching this a couple of weeks ago while I was in Sri Lanka but I've neglected talking about it because, well, I wasn't that excited about it? I mean, in terms of cracky-pretty-magical things I think Legend of the Seeker is far superior because a) Richard being shirtless, b) Kahlan's hair and c) Richard and Kahlan's longing looks of angst and their occasional makeout sessions usually when they are possessed. Merlin is enjoyable but it's also really boring at times - for me, at least. BUT OK, THERE ARE THINGS TO LOVE. LOTS OF THINGS TO LOVE!

HOW ADORABLE IS HIS FACE? It's so wonderfully expressive, especially when he get's over excited and he breaks into the biggest grins that pretty much split his face apart. SERIOUSLY COLIN I-DON'T-KNOW-ANYONE'S-SURNAMES FACE IS A REASON TO WATCH THIS, I THINK. He is like a little child I want to squish and prod and poke and cuddddle!

I really like the Arthur/Merlin relationship too, in all it's cracky, not-so-subtle glory, albeit not as much as everyone else. It took me a while to see what the big deal was I guess but no, I like now. Not in a slashy way though, SORRY YOU GUYS. I mean, the subtext is fun to read into but I'm not superinvested.

I LOVE ARTHUR HIMSELF THOUGH. FAVOURITE FOREVER. I mean, he is your a-type cocky brat with daddy issues who has a heart of gold and will do anything for his manslave BUT I LOVE CLICHES YOU GUYS. Also Bradley whatshisname is so endearing. I once saw this comparison with him and Simba from The Lion King (at least when he was young) AND YES, THAT IS EXACTLY THE CHARACTER I WOULD USE TO DESCRIBE HIM. SO SO SO SO SPOT ON.

MORGANA!!! I love how fiercely loyal she is. I love the twisted, somewhat bordering on contreversial relationship she has with Uther (though REALLY GILES IS A BIT OF A DOUCHEBAG ON THIS SHOW, NO?) I love that she will do anything for Gwen and also her loooove for Arthur! I don't really ship the two of them mostly because I would kind of love to see what happens if they went down the route where Morgana becomes an evil bitch who wants to destroy everything. I mean, I love all the references to their history and how severely protective she is over him BUT I'M SORRY, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE ARTHUR/GWEN-NESS FOR ME. I know boxedhearts is probably the only person who agrees with me but I LOVE THEM AND I WANT TO DRAW PINK COLOURED HEARTS ALL OVER THEIR PRETTY FACES.

For some reason loving Gwen is really uncool even though she is pretty much the sweetest character on the show and is made of spun sugar and other gooey things. I love the way she stands up to him here but then retracts really quickly. BUT YOU GUYS, MY FAVOURITE THING IS THE WAY HE SAYS HER NAME. NOT "GWEN", NOT "GUINEVERE" BUT "GUIN-A-VERE". OH GOSH, MY HEART. PLEASE LET THEM GET MARRIED SO HE CAN BE THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLS HER THAT FOREVER AND EVER. ALSO, HIS FACE. WHEN HE LOOKS AT HER.

ARTHUR FEELS GWEN'S PAIN. HE HURTS WHEN SHE HURTS.

THIS SCENE IS PRETTY. AND SAPPY AND GLORIOUS BUT THERE IS ALSO THIS WONDERFUL KIND OF STILLNESS TO IT. THERE IS THIS SENSE OF CALM DURING THEIR SCENES TOGETHER, I FEEL. THEY HAVEN'T HAD MANY SCENES TOGETHER, FYI.

OK, HE DOES THE THING WHERE HE SAYS HER NAME IN THAT WAY AGAIN. AND OHHH, ALL THE FACES HE MAKES IN THIS SCENE (ESPECIALLY THE LAST CAP!)? FAVOURITE PART OF THE SHOW SO FAR. OH, GUINEVERE, YOU CONFUSE ARTHUR SO. YOU CONJURE IN HIM ALL THESE FEELINGS THAT HE WISH HE DID NOT HAVE BUT HE CANNOT HELP BUT BE ATTRACTED TO THE GOODNESS AND RADIANCE EMANATING FROM YOU.

The only reason why I was slightly hesitant about all of this is Gwen/Lancelot. While they made his character so endearing on the show in the past season, I DO NOT WANT. REALLY. THE TRIANGLE FROM YORE IS WORSE THAN JACK/KATE/SAWYER AND I COULD NOT STAND IT IF ARTHUR ENDED UP GETTING HURT. So you know, I would really appreciate it if the show never ever went there. I don't keep up with spoilers and things so I don't know but YEAH, REALLY. BUT FOR NOW WE CAN FOCUS ON HOW PRETTY THIS IIIIIIIIIS:

I DID NOT KNOW I WAS THIS INVESTED IN THEM BUT APPARENTLY I REALLY, REALLY AM. LOOK AT THEIR PAINED FACES AND THE LIIIIIIGHT AND DID I MENTION THEIR FACES AND ALSO THE FACT THAT MERLIN AND ARTHUR ARE GOING TO ~DISCUSS~ THIS ALL. I know they are on fandom's hitlist but SERIOUSLY, I LOVE ALL THE THINGS THEY CHOOSE TO BE.

The X-Factor started and Cheryl Cole is still as endearing and excitable as ever. In the last episode, she ~*~reconciled two teenage lovers~*~ and then proceeded to look as though she was about to faint from excitement. I WANT TO LIVE IN HER DIMPLES.

Nostalgia - it’s delicate, but potent

2009-08-24T22:46:55Z

Do you guys think it would be horribly gratuitous of me to have a picspam of a shirtless Zac Efron in more or less the same position as part of my next post? BECAUSE GODDAMN.
OH OH and deuxcoeurs! Let us squee over the Inception trailer (!!!) except I am finding it limiting in squee-worthyness purely because it is lacking in Marion and 75% of it consists of Leo going "OHCRAPWTF" BUT I DIGRESS BECAUSE I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT MAD MEN. And also the fact that I HAVE YET TO SEE 3.02 because I cannot find a download anywhere. I woke up to about 50 True Blood torrents(which is exciting times and all but still.) BUT HAVE YET TO SEE ANYTHING MAD-MEN SHAPED so if you know where I can watch it let me know?

OK, let me get everything else out of the way so I can talk about what I really want to talk about which is Don and Betty or just Betty or YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Basically, I didn't think I would enjoy this show as much as I currently do mostly because television has become a purely lulzy thing for me wherein I don't want to have to take things seriously ever. Also people have always said that this show is very slow-moving and I'm someone who likes plotplotplotplot as opposed to you know, important things like character development and all of that. BUT YOU GUYS, THEN I WATCHED THIS SHOW. I love the pace, I love the subtlety with which it attacks certain issues as though they are everyday occurances. After being fed feminist literature for the past few years, I'm a bit tired of the whole movement and feeling sorry for myself but THIS SHOW. I HAVE THIS WHOLE NEW WONDERFUL PERSPECTIVE. I love the women. The men are douchebags and I understand the contribution they make to the show in terms of entertainment but SERIOUSLY, THEY CAN ALL BE SO UNLIKEABLE. BUT THE WOMEN. WOOOMAAAHHHN! Betty is my favourite as I've said before but GUH, JOAN AND PEGGY.

JOAN!!!! Favourite scenes? In season one when she finds out Roger has had a heart attack? PURE PERFECTION. OH BUT MY FAVOURITE is in season 2 when Crane 'creates' a TV department and Joan is forced to help him since the company wont let him hire anyone and she gets really, really into it. So much so that everyone else is forced to see how important the department is and they hire someone to take over the work Joan had been doing. I THINK I MIGHT HAVE WEPT A LITTLE. She was so happy and enthralled and excited and then she has to GIVE IT AWAY. OH MY HEART.

ok, ok, ok, now let's talk about
BETTY DRAPER

HAHAHA, TALK ABOUT GOING OVERBOARD. I know this scene was supposed to be idealistic and American Dream-esque yet I can't help but pretend that it's a genuinely wonderful moment. LOOK AT THOSE CAPS AND THEIR FACES AND THEIR SMILES AND THE LIGHTING AND!!! There is this sweetness and simplicty to their relationship at times that I am so enamored by.

But in the same vein, I love Betty. I love her inability to deal with her emotions. I love the sadness shrouding her. I love that there's still this frigid-homecoming-queen-bitch element to her. AND GODDAMNIT I WISH DON DRAPER WOULD WAKE UP AND RECOGNISE HOW AWESOME SHE IS.

THIS SCENE. JUST LOOKING AT THE SCREENCAPS MAKES ME WANT TO FALL APART. It's so beautiful I think even though there is obviously a creepy element to this whole specific storyline. But I love their gloved hands and how she clings to him from outside the car window. I love the cold blue sky behind her. OH BETTY, I wish there was someone who would REALLY take care of her. I thought in season one, a lot of the themes were reminiscent of The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

Nostalgia - it’s delicate, but potent. In greek, ‘nostalgia’ literally means ‘the pain from an old wound’. It’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards. It takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It’s not called the wheel, it’s called the carousel. It lets us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved.

UGH, THIS WAS SO LOVELY. BUT SEE, the problem I have is that I'm never sure when to take Don's remorse seriously. I think - or I am sure - that he loves Betty but it feels like he only realises this when he has his occasional epiphanies BUT THEN HE FORGETS AND ALL HIS REMORSE GOES 'POOF' AND I AM LEFT CONFUSED.

BUT THEN THEY'LL HAVE A SCENE LIKE THIS:

AND CLEARLY I CAN'T GIVE UP ON THEM WHEN THEY ARE SO COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER, SO NATURAL AND AT EASE AND SO GODDAMN LOVELY WITH THEIR SMILING FACES AND HAVE I MENTIONED THAT JANUARY JONES IS REALLY, REALLY PRETTY?

SEE HIS FACE WHEN HE LOOKS AT HER? I so badly want a scene where he tells her the truth - about his past, about everything. Because sometimes he looks at her like she means absolutely everything to him and he'd do just about anything if it meant she'd always be smiling

BUT THEN SOMETIMES DON REVERTS BACK TO BEING A DOUCHE AGAIN:

Even though his family is a walking, breathing, living Kodak moment!!!
P.S: I love the domesticity to them. The distracted way he runs his hand up and down her arm is so gorgeous and insubstantial but so real and not something he'd do with one of his 'other women' which, you know, is fun to take comfort in!

Can we just talk about how gorgeous January is even when she's mid-breakdown? THE WOMAN IS SO STUNNING.
OH, HOW I HATED DON IN THIS SCENE? I hate how hypocritical he can be at times and how defensive he can get when he's lying. It makes my skin crawl, I am not going to lie. I breathed a sigh of relief when he admitted the truth because him making her out to be crazy/ridiculous was insufferable. I LOVE her face in that last cap though because she clearly knows that he is full of bull and I love how sure she is. I love that she sticks to her guns. HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I REALLY LIKE THIS BETTY DRAPER CHARACTER?

OH, THIS SCENE. SEE, DON DRAPER YOU CONFUSE ME SO. Is he being genuine here? REALLY, I CAN NEVER TELL. I mean when he responds to Betty's question about hating her he sounds mortified and when he assures her that he loves her it all just sounds so SINCERE. BUT IS IT? OH WHATEVER, I REALLY LIKE THIS SCENE REGARDLESS

THIS SCENE FOR ME, IS PERFECT. In fact, I adored the whole him-taking-her-to-her-father's-house and making sure she was ok and being worried and her phoning him at night despite everything that was going on. JUST BECAUSE HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER. I loved the way this scene was shot - the way you can see them on the floor with the empty bed beside them as though they're pretending to be different people and in a way they are. There is something so raw and real about this scene - the escapism and the want and the sadness of things coming to and end. I LOVED IT SO MUCH. BUT THEN DON WENT AND SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. AGAIN. KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, GEEZ.

And then he wrote this:

Dear Betty,
I'm sitting in the Roosevelt looking at the backs of Bobby and Sally's heads as they watch TV. I'm not letting them change the channel because watching the news makes me sick and they can see it. I think about you and how I behaved and my regret. I know it's my fault that you are not here right now. [I think about tomorrow where you'll be and the day after that as well.]
I understand why you feel it's better to go on without me and I know that you won't be alone for very long but without you I'll be alone forever. I love you.
Don

BUT THEN THE EVENTS OF THE SEASON 3 PREMIERE OCCURED AND I'M A BIT... CONFUSED. See, when Don repents I just can't take him seriously. After all that happened, after writing that letter, he felt perfectly comfortable with screwing a random air hostess? I DON'T UNDERSTAND, I REALLY DO NOT. SO I'm sure if I want Betty to be glorious and wonderful by herself, screw Don Draper and his whores OR DO I WANT DON AND BETTY TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

UGH ANYWAY:

Don: I just like the way she laughs, and the way she looks at me.
Betty: Sometimes I feel like I’ll float away, if Don isn’t holding me down.

OH BUT HEY, While Don and Betty are one giant mass of a volatility, Jon and January are the epitome of perfection:

This photoshoot? Probably one of my favourite things in life at the moment. I have a really big thing for pretty people in pretty settings, displaying their general attractiveness!

My attempt at being creative or something like it

2009-08-19T22:31:27Z

So yes, I have done THIS because I am mildly (or VERY) insane and needed some kind of outlet to express my obsessive-ness. Here, we have a moodtheme to devoted wholly to Ed Westwick and Leighton Meester, a hint of my general craziness has been thrown in (fair warning!)

creative / content / drunk

giggly / mellow / geeky

= megaupload
= sendspace
= uploading instructions

Comment, credit and please let me know if there are any major kinks!

My A-Level results come out tomorrow so I'm going to, you know, go and throw up or something.

You must know that you are my favourite one

2009-07-16T20:36:40Z

EXCEPT IT'S MORE LIKE AN IMPROMPTU HALF BLOOD PRINCE MOVIE PARTY POST

o1. pimp
o2. bring gifs. and your happy thoughts
o3. conversation is not restricted to ronald weasley and hermione granger (even though they own the OTPs of the world)

REAL Post later!

DON'T DISAPPOINT ME YOU GUYS

2009-07-09T21:22:21Z

o1. Pimp this? I don't have thaaaaaat many HP fans on my flist

o2. Discuss all the latest stuff we've gotten as we not-so-patiently wait for the NY pics?

o3. OR WE COULD JUST DISCUSS WHAT WE THINK DAN WILL WEAR NEXT (i love him really)

THIS ENTRY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BANNER

2009-06-21T19:13:19Z

OK, so the banner-y thing-y I've made is probably the most deceiving thing ever as this has NOTHING TO DO WITH CRACK!SHIPS even though that was totally my intention to start with: I was going to do Zac/KBell, Zac/Sophia and then the awesome trifecta that was Sophia/Zac/Kristen, while maybe throwing in some Van/NPH (SERIOUSLY.) amongst other things but then, I don't know, I went off on this horrible tangent and in basic terms - THIS ENTRY NOW CONSISTS OF A BUNCH OF RL SHIPS. OK, EVEN THAT IS NOT 100% TRUE. Maybe, we shall just call this a collection of pretty people standing next to each other and being generally adorable? I think that's probably the most fitting description. OOH, NOW WHERE TO START? This will all probably be very random and not at all cohesive BTW

jake gyllenhaal and kirsten dunst

Ok, if I'm being totally honest I don't really care about these two as individuals. I mean, it's not like I dislike them or anything - I'm just mostly indifferent BUT OH, WHEN THEY WERE TOGETHER. They just seemed totally unabashed in showing their affection for each other which is why their candids are some of the cutest things ever. I MEAN, REALLY NOW.

LIKE THIS SET. I don't really have that much investment in them but this makes me meellllllt:

POINTS FOR WHOEVER HAS THE LONGEST LIST OF ALL THE ADORABLE THINGS YOU CAN SPOT THEM DOING

"She looks amazing. But you know what? She looks like this everyday"

interviewer: who's the first person you call in the morning?
kirsten: right now it's jake
interviewer: the last person you think about before you go to sleep?
kirsten: jake again!

AND NO, THERE WILL BE NO JAKE/REESE WITHERSPOON UP IN HERE, I AM SORRY TO SAY. Mostly because uhm, hiiiiii:

reese witherspoon and ryan philippe

Excuse me while I sob hysterically BUT I LOVED THESE TWO SO MUCH. They were so adorable and wonderful with their children and all their comments about not being 'extravagant' and what-not and also it was this whole processsss because HEY, LOOK AT HOW MUCH THEY GREW WHILE THEY WERE TOGETHER. OH. And I don't even like them in Cruel Intentions (kathryn/sebastain pwn in every version. See: Dangerous Liasons and the French novel) but they were just SO SWEET IRL. And while I don't have any grand fantasies of them reuniting, THEY STILL HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER FOR THE KIDS SO HA. But also sadness :(

brad pitt and jennifer aniston

WELCOME TO MY UNPOPULAR OPINION AND WORLD OF DELUSION. I'm soooorry but I am incapable of worshipping the ground that ~*~brangelina~*~ walk upon. I mean, I'm not some bitter Aniston stan or anything but I genuinely adoored these two together. I still remember that I was holding a lasagne dish when I heard that they were getting divorced AND I NEARLY DROPPED IT, NO JOKES. It was just so easy to like them. "The one with the rumour" is still one of my favourite episodes of Friends (even though his acting was so bad in it, omg) ever and just, I MISS THEM, OK?

"I couldn't have found a better man than Brad. He still opens doors for me and brings me flowers. He's the sweetest goofball on the planet"

marion cotillard and guillaume canet

OH THESE TWO ARE SO PRECIOUS I CAN ALMOST NOT EVEN HANDLE IT (incoherency, yayyy) They're beautiful and french which all makes them a whole lot more likeable for some reason and really, I'm not quite sure how anyone can watch Love Me If You Dare and not fall totally and completely in love with them BECAUSE, JUST. YEAH.

I think the Oscar ones might be my favs? Something to with their backs/shoulders - they're like, in this whole other class of elegance and sophistication and her face!!!! in the last one. SMILE HARDER, I DARE YOU.

STUPID TAGS ARE STUPID. But uhm, hugging!!!! SMALL PHYSICAL DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION. THEY OWN MY LIFE.

"In one particular scene I thought he was so good - and I missed my line"

Basically the guy who looks insanely over-excited and has jumped up before everyone else is guillaume (this is when Marion won her Oscar and was super super super adorable btw). AND AW, HE LOOKS SO RELIEVED AFTERWARDS AS WELL. And I know you cant reeeeally tell, but he does look so genuinely pleased and happy for her as he watches her accept. LOVE THEM LIKE WOAH.

keira knightley and james mcavoy

OK, He's very married and she has a very real boyfriend BUT WHATEVER. They're pretty and adorable and they scream "SHIP ME11!!!11" and obviously, I HAVE TO LISTEN because what would I be if I didn't? You see what I'm saying. And while I do like Keira, I don't think she's a brilliant actress in the least (still cant believe she got nominated for P&P, what) but playing off of James? Phenomenal!

"james is the best kisser ever!"

UHM, FURTHER EVIDENCE OF ADORABLE-NESS? WATCH!

ryan gosling and rachel mcadams

I was actually going to leave these two out because I feel like everyone posts about them everywhere all the time so people must be getting sick of them but then I laughed because: AS IF.

These are some of my faaavourite pictures of them - I love celebrity proof of normalcy and then all the kisses and the nuzzling into her NECK. SHEESH

"We were together long before we were physically together"

On the love scene:
"I remember he came up to me beforehand and asked, 'Is there anything I can't do to you?' And I was like 'I don't know, what are you planning to do?'"

"God bless The Notebook. I am still grateful for being introduced to one of the great loves of my life. But people do Rachel and me a disservice by assuming we were anything like the people in that movie. Rachel and my love story is a hell of a lot more romantic than that."

AND THEN REMEMBER THESE HAPPENED AND FANDOM EXPLODED LIKE, TEN TIMES OVER:

I AM GOING TO STOP NOW BECAUSE DOING THIS IS KILLING MY LAPTOP A LITTLE BIT. But there is a loooot more so I might make this into a four part thing maybe?? OOH OOH, MORE POINTS IF YOU CAN GUESS WHO I'LL INCLUDE NEXT!

NO, it will not be them as much as I adore them xinfinity - I wouldn't be able to stop and it would never be extensive enough and I would just be annoyed forever.

Lambert confesses crush on Idol Winner

2009-06-10T19:58:03Z

AJFJFEKFGDK. IS THIS REAL LIFE? I know everyone and their mother has posted about this already but I needed documented evidence in my journal because WOW. I am beginning to think that this is all a fabrication of my imagination because it isn't any possible for this 'thing' (bromance, I guess) to get any better. I MEAN, HOW CAN IT? You've probably already heard about my jim/pam analogy but here it is anyway: in my mind Adam has harboured unrequited-jim-halpert-esque love for Kris all this time. YES, HE HAS. I love how the media have been making it seem as though Adam has secretly been pining and longing for Kris all this time. Tee hee! I cannot complain.

OH AND THIS HAPPENED:

FINA-FUCKING-LLY. I AM TIRED OF WAITING (like Clare! ha ha. NO)
Anyway:

(1) List 1014 ONE TRUE PAIRINGS that you admire.
(2) Put all of them in order (10-1, 1 is the ultimate OTP).
(3) Supply photos for said people.
(4) Post your favourite quote.
(5) Tag 5 people

So, I left out quite a few couples I ADORE for a variety of reasons. I love sawyer/juliet at the moment but I also like sawyer/kate and then I have all this residual jack/juliet love so I DON'T KNOW. And then I used to be this huuuuge goober about Brooke/Lucas from s1-3 and there lots of other little ships I enjoy like Buffy/Spkie, Chris/Jal, Alex/Izzie, Barney/Robin buuuuut they're not on the list. I just thought I'd say that so that they didn't feel left out (SHIPS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS, I KNOW)

Only the top five are in order because... I couldn't do the rest.

Lois and Clark; Smallville

Lois to Clark: Why settle for hot, rich, and famous, when I can hang out with you?

Eric and Tami; Friday Night Lights

Tami to Eric: You know what? No matter what happens, no matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'm always going to be behind you. Always and always and always

Jackie and Hyde; That 70's Show

Jackie: Steven, do I really disgust you?
Hyde: No. I disgust me because I'm supposed to be disgusted by you but I'm not

Jack and Jennifer; Days of Our Lives

Jennifer to Jack: The truth is that I care about you more than anyone else in this world. More than anybody I have ever cared for in my entire life
(OMG DO NOT JUDGE)

Justin and Rebecca; Brothers & Sisters

Justin: I want to be a doctor and I want to be a husband and I want to be a father and it’s all because of you Rebecca
Rebecca: Me?
Justin: God, you make everything feel possible. You make me possible

Logan and Veronica; Veronica Mars

Logan: I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me.
Veronica: Epic how?
Logan: Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic!

Phoebe and Cole; Charmed

Cole: I had you right where I wanted you, all I had to do was finish the job but I couldn’t because I realised I loved you
Phoebe: You bastard
Cole: That’s the truth Phoebe. I admit, everything else is a lie but not that.

Sheldon and Penny; The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Yeah?
Sheldon: Thanks for letting me stay here.
Penny: Oh, you're welcome sweetie.
Sheldon: Okay, I'm sleepy now get out.

Cappie and Casey; Greek

Casey: Why can't you find someone else who’s perfect for you?
Cappie: Because no other girl in the world compares to you

#5. Henry and Clare; The Time Traveler's Wife

'Do you ever miss him?' she asks me.
'Every day. Every minute'

#4. Mal and Inara; Firefly

Mal to Inara: But you fog things up! You always have. You spin me about. I wish like hell you were elsewhere.

#3. Rory and Jess; Gilmore Girls

Jess to Rory: So I just basically wanted to show you that. Tell you that – tell you that I couldn’t have done it without you

#2. Chuck and Blair; Gossip Girl

Chuck to Blair: I love you too

#1. Ron and Hermione; Harry Potter

It was cool, clear blue of watered ink, somewhere between night and dawn, and everything was quiet except for Ron and Hermione’s slow, deep breathing. Harry glanced over at the dark shapes they made on the floor beside him. Ron had had a fit of gallantry and insisted Hermione sleep on the cushions from the sofa, so that her silhouette was raised above his. Her arm curved to the floor, her fingers inches from Ron’s. Harry wondered whether they had fallen asleep holding hands. The idea made him feel strangely lonely.

Also her faaaace! It is so beautiful and wonderful. Sometimes, I think if I were to see her irl, I would probably fall over due to the sheer glow that I am sure she radiates. JUST WOW. I don't mind this guy either.