Stumbling From One Disaster To Another

Fan Expo

liabrown — Wed, 27 Aug 2014 23:44:14 GMT

I'll be heading there tomorrow -- come say hello if you see me! Tentative plans are to wear my Top costume again on Saturday, and when that happens my vision is incredibly bad and you'll have to get my attention. But at least I'm visible across the room :>

This is all dependent on being able to fit into the costume, natch. I've dieted and stepped up the exercising since April/May and don't think I've lost a pound. Such is life at this age, I guess.

Edit: Looks like the cosplay day may actually be Sunday this year because of other people's plans. Just FYI for anyone looking for me.

Flash TV pilot

liabrown — Sun, 29 Jun 2014 07:26:35 GMT

So the Flash TV pilot has leaked online. I was going to wait until October to watch it because I bet the show creators are pretty angry about the leak, but EVERYBODY was spoiling it and I feared having the whole thing ruined by October anyway (as it was, I heard some pretty major spoilers in advance. Kind of annoying).

Anyway, the episode is not without its flaws, but I really enjoyed it and am definitely hyped for the rest of the series.

Spoilers behind a cut.

Everybody knew that Clyde Mardon appeared in the pilot and has weather-controlling powers, but there are in fact two Mardon brothers -- the other doesn't appear except in a photo, but is obviously Mark. Clyde is seemingly killed at the end of the episode, which paves the way for Mark to appear.

Clyde has metahuman powers, having gotten them from the same particle accelerator accident which gave Barry his powers. I'm guessing Mark will be the same. And most if not all the Rogues probably will have meta powers (rather than tech) too, as the episode indicates there are likely other people out there with new powers.

I wasn't all that happy with Clyde's southern accent, which doesn't really work for me. The actor is Canadian (I follow the guy on Twitter, he's pretty cool), so it's not his natural accent.

Fred Chyre dies, which annoys me. I wanted Morillo and Chyre to appear together.

Gorilla Grodd does not appear but his existence is very strongly implied, so he'll doubtlessly show up at some point.

There's a Gambi reference, which was already known about because Geoff Johns posted a photo on Twitter.

Reverse Flash appears in the flashback we already saw in the 5-minute series promo. Nothing new there.

Cisco Ramon is much less annoying than in his appearances on Arrow, which is a relief. I couldn't stand him on Arrow.

So far I think Iris and Caitlin (the only female characters so far, aside from Barry's dead mom) are the weakest points of the episode, unfortunately. I don't know whether the issue is the actors or the characters, but I hope they get better. Certainly it's not unusual for early episodes to have kinks to work out and actors needing to grow into their characters.

So far Iris' dad is one of my favourite characters (I'm a sucker for geeky Barry as well), and one of the strongest actors.

Barry's dad is played by John Wesley Shipp, who played Barry in the '90s Flash TV series. I bet nothing makes him feel older than playing his former character's dad. I personally wish Henry Allen looked more like he did during pre-Crisis Flash comics, but also recognize that ship has long since sailed and Henry canonically hasn't looked like that in a while.

Speaking of looks, it obviously isn't a deal-breaker for me that Barry has brown hair instead of blond, but I really wish they'd dyed his hair or something.

The big reveal is Harrison Wells -- he may be good and he may be bad, but he's leaning towards bad and is definitely lying to everyone. He's either from the future or has access to information from the future, which suggests he may actually be the Reverse Flash rather than Eddie Thawne. And he has a newspaper from 2024 which states that the Flash disappeared during a "Crisis" and also mentions red skies. Dun-dun-dun-duuuuun.

(The actor who plays Wells, Tom Cavanagh, appeared in a series of famous Canadian beer commercials during the early '90s. I know the guy starred in Ed, but I never watched that and all I keeping thinking of the Labatt's guy when I see him :> He's very good as Wells, though.)

Some bits of dialogue sucked every now and then (the line about twerking was pretty awful), and I hope the scriptwriters tighten up a bit.

Interestingly, the series doesn't really try to hide its Vancouver shooting locale, which is funny. I've been to some of the places that are visible :> Also, those mountains are not quite Kansas-Missouri -- although maybe Central City is located somewhere else in the series.

Anyway! The episode was very promising and I have great hopes for the rest of it.

Why I believe the Top is on the autistic spectrum

liabrown — Fri, 20 Dec 2013 23:44:18 GMT

I wrote this piece during the early spring, before the release of the DSM-V. Since then there have been changes in the field of autism diagnoses: Asperger syndrome and autism have been folded into Autism Spectrum Disorder, and the criteria have been partially re-worded. However this change is somewhat controversial, and because the DSM-V is so new and expensive many non-professionals haven’t even seen the newest diagnostic criteria. Thus I’ve decided to stick with the information from the DSM-IV, which was officially in use until May 2013 (and is probably still being used by some).

This is long and probably not of interest to anyone else, but it’s something I’ve wanted to write for about five years now.

Autism is a neurological condition which affects social interaction, communication, and the sensory system. It exists as a spectrum, with people affected in different ways and to varying degrees. It’s not a mental illness, though certain mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety often co-exist with it. It's diagnosed with assistance from publications like the DSM-IV manual, which defines the diagnostic criteria for autism and autism-spectrum disorders (such as Asperger syndrome). In part, the book's definition for Asperger’s states:

B. restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
1) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
2) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
3) stereotyped and repetitive motor manners (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
4) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects

It is my belief that the Top (Roscoe Dillon) fits the criteria for a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. In the past, Asperger syndrome was considered related but somewhat distinct from autism itself; current theory is that it’s simply a variant of the same disorder (this is at times controversial, but I’m not trying to wade into semantics here). And ultimately I’m discussing a fictional character, so whether somebody wants to declare him “autistic” or “Aspie” isn’t particularly important.

It’s useful to keep in mind that the character’s been around for approximately fifty years and has been handled by quite a few writers, none of whom were likely well-versed in psychology or neurology. Sometimes I jokingly refer to his obvious mental illness as “comic-book crazy”, meaning that the writers clearly intended him to be mentally ill but aren’t exactly careful or consistent with symptoms. I doubt the manifestations of his mental illness would match up with any known psychological diagnosis, and one might argue that about his autistic symptoms too. However, I believe his autistic symptoms are generally more distinctive and applicable to an actual condition.

The aforementioned diagnostic criteria seem immediately relevant to him. The Top is so obsessed with tops and spinning that he made them his entire criminal shtick: he quite literally named himself after tops, and spun as part of his modus operandi. Up until Geoff Johns’ run on the Flash title, his primary tools and weapons were gimmicked tops. He regularly made reference to and punned about tops, and although that wasn’t unusual for the Rogues, he continued it throughout Johns’ run even after most of his colleagues had ceased the habit. The man even had a top-shaped tombstone, and it's safe to say that he genuinely loved tops.

Right there we see clear fulfillment of one of the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria: a) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus.

In his very first appearance, we learn that he loved tops from childhood. He became absolutely entranced by them after discovering their existence, and even declined opportunities to interact with other children so he could play with his tops (we’ll come back to this). With an intense focus on his toy, he noted “There’s something about spinning tops that fascinates me!” This strongly evokes the DSM-IV criteria of d) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects. While the DSM-IV does not expressly state it, it’s a well-known fact that many autistics have a fascination with moving objects, particularly things that move in a predictable pattern (such as a machine part, or something spinning). As this childhood neurology site notes “Arranging toys in rows, spinning themselves or objects, or showing fascination in spinning objects, straight lines, or trains is a common [autistic] behavior.”

Though the DSM-IV does not mention it specifically, its citation of c) stereotyped and repetitive motor manners (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements), is pertinent because “complex whole-body movements” sometimes manifests as spinning. Some autistic people have a surprising tolerance for dizziness, and will happily spin their bodies in circles for some lengths of time. These actions sometimes seem puzzling to non-autistics, but make sense when one realizes that the movements are comforting to the autistic person. In some cases they may have an under-reactive vestibular (inner ear) system and spinning themselves helps to stimulate it, or the activity may simply feel pleasant and soothing. This self-soothing behaviour is called stimming, and although everyone does it -- repeatedly tapping a foot, for example -- it's particularly pervasive amongst autistics. It helps to cope with sensory stressors, and makes life a little easier to navigate.

We don’t know if Roscoe has vestibular dysfunction, and it’s true that the few flashbacks we see of his childhood don’t depict him spinning his own body. However, there are so few scenes of his early life shown that it’s entirely possible he did do it. And when he started spinning as part of his criminal career, he clearly had an affinity for it, and (for whatever reason) an obvious resistance to dizziness. The only times he was ever shown getting dizzy were because of the re-manifestation of his psionic powers, a metahuman issue otherwise unrelated to his normal health.

Regarding autistic social behaviours, the DSM-IV stipulates:

A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
1) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
2) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
3) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
4) lack of social or emotional reciprocity

Several of these are suggested by Roscoe’s blunt rejection of other children so he could play with his top, indicating this has been an issue since childhood. As an adult he spent time interacting with the other Rogues, so he wasn’t entirely a loner, but his relations with them have long been fractious. Eventually they seem to have rejected him, probably because of his difficult personality (Heat Wave noted he “always tried to talk over your head. He wanted you to know he was smarter”, which is a not-uncommon complaint about Aspies). Regardless, even after alienating the Rogues he attempted to re-connect with them and failed miserably in Flash v2 #210, ending with him getting literally thrown out. Social interaction with peers is clearly not one of his strengths, even when he tries. He did have a girlfriend during his more sociable period, but having a romantic partner isn’t unusual for people on the autistic spectrum. And while the Rogues emphasize the group as a family and their togetherness, he’s an anomaly amongst them by often being content to work on his own. He didn’t even tell the Rogues when he was dying, and deliberately went away to die alone.

The other criteria for Asperger’s are as follows:

C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years).

E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.

F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.

The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning is certainly covered by what we’ve discussed. The other criteria are somewhat more difficult to determine, particularly because we know so little about his childhood. The schizophrenia reference is tricky because, as I said earlier, we don’t actually know what mental illness(es) he has. Certainly his possibly-autistic symptoms and possibly-mental illness symptoms run together at times; an example would be when other characters occasionally complained that he smelled bad. Hygiene can be challenging for some autistics who have difficulty reading social cues and don't pick up on others' disapproval about their cleanliness, but the problem isn’t unusual in some people with mental health issues either. It’s difficult to say where that stemmed from in his case.

As a counterpoint, there are a couple of traits which possibly argue against Roscoe being on the autistic spectrum. One is that many autistics lack physical co-ordination and are often clumsy. But this is not a defining trait, and as an example I know an Aspie woman who is a dancer. Like any skill, it can probably be honed and practiced, and Roscoe’s graceful spinning could easily be compared to a dancer’s. He may have simply trained himself to be more physically adept through hard work.
Another possible point against it is that he’s an accomplished liar. Though also not a defining trait of the disorder, many autistics are not particularly good at lying and dislike doing it. However, as with his physical co-ordination skills, he may have simply trained himself to do it (an obvious advantage for a criminal), and in this case I think the changes to his adult brain may be responsible. It’s a canonical fact that his brain underwent several physiological changes when he started spinning at high speeds in adulthood: his intelligence increased, he eventually developed psionic powers, and it ultimately killed him. It’s true that many Aspies don’t lie very much, but they also don’t possess telekinetic powers. So it is entirely conceivable that the changes to his brain which made him a genius and telekinetic also made him more adept at lying, and perhaps better at some other skills here and there.

Thus, despite a couple of minor suggestions against it, I believe Roscoe is on the autistic spectrum. He certainly fits most of the criteria in the DSM-IV, and the few benchmarks that are uncertain are due to insufficient data. His social issues and obsessive interests were demonstrably present from childhood and before the changes to his brain, while the possible evidentiary counterpoints such as his ability to lie were not. And ultimately it’s those scenes from childhood which strongly make the case: without them, one could argue that his oddities were because of the changes to his brain or mental illness (which often manifests during the teenage years or older), but those mannerisms were clearly present when he was a child. He was an unusual child and an unusual man, just like many people on the spectrum. He happened to go in an unexpected direction when he became an adult criminal, but never really left those childhood traits behind.

Links

You may have interest in some web links relating to autism and spinning (linking is not necessarily endorsement of the sites’ other content). I’d wanted to put these into the article, but felt it would clutter things.

Blog post about an autistic child who spins herself (with video)

Blog post about an autistic child who spins himself

Short informational piece about autistics’ interest in spinning objects

Blog post about autistics’ interest in spinning objects, and tops in particular

People at a message board for Aspies and autistics discuss their interest in spinning (and tops)

Blog post about sensory/vestibular issues and seeking stimulation (including spinning)

Blog post about seeking sensory input (including spinning)

Blog post by an autistic woman about the joys of stimming

Blog post about stimming

Blog post discussing autistic behaviour -- it includes this interesting tidbit:

Shelley: Spinning and jumping are also examples of repetitive motor behaviors. When a child is spinning or jumping he/she is activating the vestibular system. The child may seek vestibular stimulation as a means to elicit “feel good” sensations and/or also to positively affect his/her arousal.

Emily: Yes, in other words, many children with autism seek sensory information or experiences from the environment (due to feeling under-stimulated). They may also use spinning and jumping as a way of regulating themselves (i.e.: when they are stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed). Spinning and jumping can help one feel regulated and “grounded.”

Bits of things I forgot

liabrown — Thu, 31 Oct 2013 11:37:31 GMT

newnumber6 reminded me I didn't link to my con sketches from Fan Expo, so here they are. Also, my write-up of the con is here at Speed Force.

(In case you don't bother reading it, the funniest thing that happened to me at Fan Expo was when I was walking on Dundas Street in my Top costume, and ran into Toronto mayor Rob Ford. Yes, the mayor who allegedly smokes crack. He gave me this weird look, then a thumbs up and said "Cool", and I laughed for like 10 minutes. I also ran into George Takei in the lobby of the Royal York hotel, which was neat.)

My computer was worrisomely close to giving up the ghost, so we got a used-but-new-to-me replacement. I now have Windows 7 instead of XP, and more RAM as well as a bigger harddrive (which is good because I was perpetually running out of space and having to dump files onto an external drive). I also changed my desktop wallpaper for the first time in about a decade -- not kidding about that, by the way. Getting a new OS is always stressful for me because suddenly things don't work or look the same as they used to, but I'm trying hard not to freak out about stuff and I think I'm doing pretty well.

Anyway. There's always angst to blather about, but I think I'll leave that for another post, if at all. Happy Halloween!

Long overdue update

liabrown — Fri, 18 Oct 2013 04:37:10 GMT

Wow...I did not mean to go so long between updates (I haven't been on Facebook in three weeks either). Stuff happened and things got stressful, then I kind of forgot and ran into more stress. In brief, doubtlessly forgetting things:

Fan Expo was great! I met up with some friends and made a couple of new ones, and managed to squeeze into my Top costume (barely).
Here are my photos. Some Rogues cosplay photos taken by Stan. Stan's general Fan Expo pics. And here's the video of us Rogues dancing with Effie Trinket (I'm a lousy dancer at the best of times, but I also couldn't see a darned thing without my glasses.)

But we found another bat in the house when we came home from the con, and it was acting weirdly and the cats were poking at it. Thus began a ton of stress and spending of money, because we had to get all the cats re-vaccinated for rabies, and of course the ferals behaved terribly and it took four days to catch Digger. It was REALLY stressful and that's why I didn't update. There were three bats loose in the house over the span of a week and a half, so we had wildlife experts come in recently to bat-proof the house. Those bats have cost us more than $2500, so we've been hurting financially. Also, Lenny scratched me while we were wrangling her, and there was concern that I should get a rabies shot too (Public Health ultimately decided against it) and then they told me too late that she should have been quarantined.

(Other things which have cost money recently: the washing machine broke, and there's a leak in the roof which is dripping into the living room. Plus, while we were at the vet he said we should get Abby's tooth removed, which will cost up to $850).

We saw my sister and nephew and went to the Vegetarian Food Fair in early September. You can see those photos here (the burned wreckage is from the St Jacobs farmers' market -- its main building burned down on Labour Day).

And my uncle married his longtime partner a few weeks ago in Montreal. I saw cousins that I haven't talked to in about 25 years due to previous family drama, and had nice conversations with some of them. Stan and I did a ton of work to assist with the wedding, though, so we never got to see any sights in Montreal. I guess we'll have to go back some other time for that.

I think that's the big stuff. Hopefully there won't be any more major expenses, although my computer has been behaving ominously for a few weeks.

Unfortunately I haven't been keeping up with stuff for a while now; what's new with everybody here?

Fan Expo and stuff

liabrown — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 04:34:16 GMT

Fan Expo starts tomorrow, I am going! Fingers crossed that some weird calamity doesn't happen (I have bad luck with that con). I'll be wearing my Top costume again on Saturday, and I can just BARELY fit into it. The failure of my diet/exercise regimen is a huge disappointment to me -- I lost only one or two pounds, despite severely cutting back on food and doing a ton of walking. I guess I was eating the wrong kinds of foods? You'd think cutting out all sweets would have helped more :\

There was another bat in the house! He was crawling in the ducts and then somehow found an exit into the house, and flew around and pooped everywhere until I finally ushered him out an open door. The cats were going nuts trying to get him, and he was unfortunately flying around the basement with a low ceiling. They came really close to getting him until I locked them away.

Brian Buccellato (one of the Flash co-writers) has made me mad again! Grumbling behind a cut to spare you...I just wanted to vent some steam, it's easily skipped.

The article.

First of all, he bashes Digger and talks about how he's going to screw with him if he ever writes him -- hopefully he never will. He also talks about how crummy Sam's life is by shamelessly stealing Roscoe's schtick (tragically separated from his girlfriend Lisa etc). Next, where the hell is Weather Wizard? Does he dislike him so much that the guy doesn't even make the list or did he just forget him? The continuing butchery of Mick rounds it all out. Only the Digger stuff is new, but it's still a frayed nerve he's treading on.

But the part that really gets me is the low ranking of Turbine and Axel on this list. Not because I particularly like either of them (Axel's okay), but because they erased Roscoe and replaced him with a dude Buccellato isn't even really into. Ditto for Axel replacing James, although I'll concede that perhaps it wasn't their choice to use Axel -- I wouldn't be surprised if DC foisted him on them, because that's the kind of rumour I've been hearing lately regarding James vs Axel. But geez, you guys erased my favourite character and don't even use his replacement much or seem particularly interested in him? That pisses me off.

TFcon and stuff

liabrown — Sat, 03 Aug 2013 05:22:17 GMT

I realized I forgot to post my photos from TFcon last weekend. It's Canada's version of BotCon, or rather BotCon's poor cousin, but happily for us it's held in the same city (Mississauga) every year, which is only an hour's drive away. I'm not super-huge into Transformers anymore, so I mostly went to keep Stan company, but I did get a few things here and there. My favourite purchase was a little Red Alert keychain doll that was home-made by a seller. We also met up with an old friend, who coincidentally we met on our first trip to BotCon (and I don't know if people know this, but Stan and I met on that first BotCon trip).

The pics can be found here at Imgur -- though I just learned that unpaid Imgur accounts only allow 225 images to be visible at any given time, which is annoying (I wish they'd made that clearer upfront). Once you pass 225 images, which I have, the older stuff is made invisible. Guess I have to find another image host.

There are also a few photos from last Sunday in Toronto. A few photos are of a Japanese cultural festival in Dundas Square, and a bit of the Eaton Centre. Also, we went to a vegan restaurant that is run by the most adorable cult ever. Their leader is a woman called The Supreme Master, and they mostly promote vegetarianism/veganism. They have their own TV channel called the Supreme Master Network and interviewed my mom for it a few years ago. Somehow Stan ended up on their mailing list a while back and he got all their emails, and they're adorably earnest. Anyway, we wanted to try one of their restaurants (Loving Hut) and it was pretty good.

On a completely unrelated note, the CBC [Canada's national broadcaster for you non-Canadians] website recently switched its style of comments section and it really sucks now. Comments now require a moderator's approval before appearing on the site, and somehow that made the system worse. The other day there was an article about the Ariel Castro case, with him whining that it was everybody's fault but his own, etc. This one dude in the comments started going on about how if Castro were a woman, everyone would feel sorry for her and let her off scott-free, and compared Castro to a mom in Winnipeg who recently killed her kids in the throes of post-partum depression and then killed herself. He then made further posts about how when women do bad things they never face consequences for their actions -- the usual bullshit. So I wrote a polite rebuttal explaining why the two cases are not comparable, and was never rude or inflammatory (I wanted to be, but was well aware the mods pre-approve everything). But the mod rejected and blocked my comment. I guess misogyny is totally okay, but a polite rebuttal is just unacceptable...? Personally I'm rather flabbergasted about it, because I honestly can't see how my comment was objectionable. Hopefully it was a site glitch or something.

Damn you, Weather Wizard.

liabrown — Mon, 22 Jul 2013 09:37:33 GMT

On late Friday afternoon we were hit with a hell of a storm -- I was sleeping, but awakened by howling winds and heavy rain pounding the roof. I looked out the balcony door and watched the trees getting whipped around and was sure they'd snap; in the end, none of ours did, but my next-door neighbour lost a significant chunk of her beautiful old tree and a tree across the street split in half. There were trees down all over my neighbourhood, so it isn't surprising that the whole area lost power. As soon as the storm was over (and it ended quite abruptly), most of the people in the neighbourhood came out to survey the damage and take photos. You can see a selection of my photos here, but this is just a fraction of the trees and wires that came down. The wire across the street stayed down for 48 hours, so I certainly hope it wasn't live.

Here's a video I took during the storm.

Apparently winds in Waterloo were measured at 119 km/h according to this article (some photos here too), and I can believe it. But we were only without power for 7 hours and I don't think anybody in town was hurt, so I feel lucky. Some people in town had no power for more than a day and somebody in Quebec was killed by the storm, so it could have been a lot worse. I'm not sure all my plants will survive though, as they were pretty battered (after the video was taken I ran onto the balcony to bring in a few, and got completely soaked in just those few seconds outside).

Anyway, on Saturday I spent some hours helping the neighbours clear their downed trees. My next-door neighbour had a motley crew of assistants: some English fellows who live down the street, me, her nephew, and his in-laws visiting from Sweden. When we were done there, we went down the street and helped two other households. Fortunately last week's extreme heat and humidity were eased by the storm!

Then some stupid stuff happened that I might talk about later, but bleh.

Ithaca, NY

liabrown — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 09:14:45 GMT

Last weekend we drove down to NY state to spend a couple of days with my parents and sister and her family. We hiked in a state park, saw a waterfall and a lot of neat rock formations, and a lot of wild animals!

Animal sightings: ten live deer (and three dead ones), including a fawn. Four wild turkeys running in the road, and a turtle on the road that we had to swerve around. Stan knew I'd be upset if it was run over, so we turned around when possible (it was a narrow rural road) and went back to rescue it, but by the time we got back it had seemingly made it safely. Saw a hummingbird and a fox -- I've only seen a fox once or twice in my life.

The photos are here. They're mostly of Taughannock state park and/or my nephew Andy. Also I went to Tops supermarket and Waterloo, NY (because we live in Waterloo, Ontario).

Normally I don't talk about this stuff, but it has to do with my physical and mental health. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which usually manifests as constipation, sometimes severely so. I've changed my lifestyle a lot over the past couple of years -- reducing or entirely ceasing certain foods which give me problems, eating a lot more fruits/vegetables/fibre, drinking a lot of water, and doing more walking/activity. It's actually helped a lot, but sometimes I inexplicably get badly constipated even when I'm doing everything right. Sometimes it's hormonal, sometimes I don't think there IS an explanation, and it's also become increasingly clear that stress is a major culprit.

Two weekends ago I was very nervous because of the Rogue bang and I was meeting a fellow fan for the first time...so I got really backed up, but began pooping again once the stress was over. This weekend we were driving to the States (always kind of nerve-wracking because the US border guards can be so scary and it's unfamiliar territory), and it was a change to my routine, and I'd be spending time with family. So I got really constipated, and was in a fair amount of pain all weekend. And sure enough, when I got home I started pooping again; not as much as I'd like, but a definite improvement. So it seems clear that stress is a major source.

I told my psychiatrist this week that I wanted to do something about that and he was kind of brushing me off, but when I told him how bad it was and how awful I'd felt (and it was bad), he agreed that sounded problematic. Now I am trying a low dose of Clonazepam to see if it helps chill me out, and I do generally feel more relaxed -- although haven't had anything stressful yet to test it. I don't know if he'd want me to go on it regularly because it sounds like something you don't want to take too often. I'm fine with that, I'd be happy to take it only when I have stressful events coming up, but we'll see what he says next time I see him. It's nice to feel calm for once, I like it, and I only feel a bit drowsy.

Anyway, we're going to see Man of Steel on Sunday! Hope it's good :)

Yay fanfic!

liabrown — Sat, 01 Jun 2013 08:40:40 GMT

The reason I haven't been posting here much is to get my fic for the roguesbang done. I finished the first draft early, procrastinated on the editing, and then had to work frantically to get it all done. In a perfect world there would have been a bit more time to polish it, but overall I'm fairly pleased with it.

There is also nice art to go along with it, capably drawn by useless19.

You can find it here! On LJ it's been broken up into two parts because it was simply too long, or you can go to the Dreamwidth or AO3 version.

Pics or it didn't happen

liabrown — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 07:32:42 GMT

I've started using Imgur to host my photos (and a few drawings) and am so far pleased with it. Now that I no longer have a paid account I can't upload many photos to LJ, and Photobucket shrinks stuff down which is kind of a pain in the butt. If Imgur shrinks pics it isn't particularly noticeable (although maybe that's because I don't upload anything huge), so I'm happy with it.

Anyway! Here are some pics from last Saturday! And here are some misc pics from the past week! The second gallery so far consists of one snow photo and some pics of the cute little dolly runenklinge sent me :)

Toy show

liabrown — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 07:40:49 GMT

Had an unusually busy weekend! Later I'll talk about Saturday and maybe post pics if they are halfway interesting (I did take some nice videos). But on Sunday we went to a toy show in Burlington, and it was pretty good. I was actually afraid I wouldn't be able to see everything before closing.

A few interesting items: I got the last two Heroclix I needed (Abra Kadabra and the Wizard exclusive Professor Zoom), and the PVC box set of the Flash Family -- not the same one obviously, but there aren't many pics of it online. And I got an old Jem doll (Roxy); I never got any as a kid but now I have one, dammit. It's not in great shape, though, and I don't know if the clothes even belong to the doll.

Since it was a toy show I wasn't expecting any artists to be there, but a few were around. To my great surprise Leonard Kirk was there, and I've long wanted to get something from him (he's always at Fan Expo and some of the other local comic cons, but is usually busy and I feel shy about bugging busy creators). Today things were quiet, so I asked if I could get one of his cheap "quick" sketches. Hadn't brought any reference art, but I gave him an old Bronze Age comic to draw from. Anyway, this is what he drew, and it far exceeded my expectations! I suspect he put more time into it than he would have at Fan Expo simply because today was quieter and more relaxed, and I greatly appreciate it.

That isn't to say the show was dead, because in fact it was really hectic at times, but the busy periods were earlier than that. And in general fewer people are going to approach comic artists at a toy show because many of them are there for other reasons. However, there were moments when I was getting really stressed out by the noise and people pushing past me -- my least-favourite parts of any show.

There was a competition for cosplayers even though it was a toy show. Not many showed up, but there were a few.

Jamie Madrox cosplayer.

From behind.

Burlesque cosplayers (they perform in Toronto). Behind them is a 3D printer and some of its creations; I'd never actually seen one before.

Leonard Kirk and Top.

There were puppet shows and reading for kids at various times, probably to keep them from getting bored.

I bet they never have trouble finding that car in the lot....

FLOWERS FLOWERS FLOWERS FIRST FLOWERS OF THE YEAR!!! I also saw two robins, so I'm doubly excited. However, none of this was actually in K-W, which still has a fair amount of snow on the ground. The robins were in Cambridge and flowers in Burlington.

Whole lot of dads

liabrown — Sat, 09 Mar 2013 10:08:11 GMT

I was petting my cat Abby a few hours ago when I noticed the backporch light had turned on, so I went to peek at who was out there....and saw Daddy Feral! (her father) There was no food in the dish, so he left, and as soon as he was gone I went out to refill it. He immediately came back to eat, and I got a bit of video of him :) (It's not very exciting) You may notice how much he looks like Abby -- they look very much alike, she's almost a clone of him.

I think I might have seen Daddy once last summer, but otherwise haven't seen him since last winter. Glad to know he's still alive -- I strongly suspect Mama Feral is not :(

My own dad had a CT scan yesterday to check how his brain is doing, and the news could be better: he's still having bleeding, but not enough for more surgery. Because it's not so great he'll have to have another scan in a month. Fingers crossed that the situation is better then.

I never did mention how Stan's appointment with the neurologist went, because it was the day after his dad died and things were in chaos here. All his tests came back normal. The neurologist's best guess as to what happened was that maybe he fainted or something. So that's good, at least.

And Stan made me realize last night that my unstable mood and general depression over the past few weeks is probably due to halving the dosage of one of my anti-depressants. A very obvious conclusion, but I didn't think of it for some reason (mostly because I'd kind of forgotten I'd done it). My psychiatrist had me reduce it because it made my appetite so out of control, but I'd rather eat too much than feel like killing myself all the time. I have now gone back to the old dosage and hopefully that helps.

Arrr, I don't know what I'm doin'.

liabrown — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 11:28:03 GMT

So on Tuesday I'd felt depressed and opted not to go on Tumblr -- not particularly unusual. By Wednesday evening I felt a little better, though had been anxious all day. But that night I was struck by the worst anxiety about going onto the site for some unknown reason; not hyperventilating, but my heart was racing and I felt really scared and my bladder was being difficult :> It was very odd, worse than the usual periodic anxiety I get when I go on the site. Eventually I forced myself to go on at a relatively quiet hour, following the principle of getting back on the horse, and it was okay after I'd started reblogging a bit. But I don't know where that came from. Still a bit nervous now and when I went on Tumblr earlier this evening, but mostly better.

Wednesday was an interesting day. Remember the photos I posted? 570News asked people to send in "interesting" snow photos, and I wasn't sure if mine qualified, but I submitted two anyway. They used them with credit, putting one of my pics as the headline image :) I'm tremendously thrilled.

The Flash issue came out too, and LOL NOPE. On just one page they managed to repeatedly rub my nose in the Top's erasure/replacement, and oh boy was I mad. Honestly, I think the anger (mostly) lifted my depression, so there is that. Then I had a good laugh at the new Reverse Flash design, which Manapul and Buccellato had declared was way better than the previous yellow costumes (I disagree. But I probably wouldn't have cared if they hadn't been so dismissive of what came before, as they always are -- it invites a lot more criticism).

I think that comic would be a lot easier to stomach if those two weren't always trash-talking everything that came before it and bragging about how amazing they are. The book is badly written, though that isn't unusual amongst the current crop of DC comics. But listening to those guys talk it up while insulting previous continuity/characters and then not delivering something good is simply annoying. It's kind of funny in a train-wreck sort of way, but mostly just frustrating.

The backyard on Thursday morning:

It never did stop snowing on Wednesday, so by Thursday morning there was plenty more to shovel. Less of it, but still very heavy and wet.

Snow

liabrown — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 13:48:12 GMT

Feeling down and making dolls. But have some snow photos from last night and this morning.

This snow was a bitch to shovel because it's so wet and heavy, and not 30 seconds after finishing the driveway the motherloving plow came by and dumped a small mountain of wet snow into it.

Stuffs

liabrown — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 07:51:12 GMT

Haven't heard how my aunt's been doing for a few days, but last I heard she was progressing well. My dad is doing well.

This past weekend was Chinese New Year, and we were going to leave a day early to visit my dad, but then I got sick and my parents were understandably reluctant to have a sick person around when my dad's still recovering. Stan's family was told I was sick and didn't mind, although I get the feeling they didn't know how sick I was -- and I was actually doing pretty well on Saturday. But on Sunday my week-long cold suddenly took a turn for the worse, and I felt HORRIBLE. This was a really nasty cold all week (the one I had in November wasn't nearly this bad), but on Sunday and Monday I felt worse than ever. Off to the doctor!

I think we all know how miserable it is to wait outside for a bus when you're sick in winter. This stupid bus was late, there's no shelter, and wet snow was blowing in my face. I was already regretting my decision to take the bus when some jerk in an SUV zoomed past me and soaked me from head to toe with slush. Perhaps if I hadn't been so sick and miserable I would have noticed the giant puddle right next to the bus stop. And while waiting for the bus on the trip home the wind almost blew me off my feet; the weather was nuts.

Anyway. The doctor says I have bronchitis and a sinus infection, so I have antibiotics and an asthma puffer (I have mild asthma but haven't used a puffer in years). Frankly I can't wait to be well again and put these shitty stressful few weeks behind me. I actually really want to get on the treadmill again and resume my normal routine, so hopefully this goes away soon. I did shovel snow during the big blizzard last week, but right now my lungs feel too fragile to shovel the snow that's fallen tonight, and the doctor did tell me to take it easy. Poor Stan is stuck.

Sheesh

liabrown — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 03:06:54 GMT

Dad's still the same, but apparently my aunt had a heart attack today. I'm so done with this month.

Moar updates

liabrown — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 07:48:56 GMT

My dad's home from the hospital now (still has the shunt and drain in his head), and was impatient with me when I inadvertently called during the Superbowl halftime show. So he seems to be getting back to normal :> He'd asked my mother to take a photo of his head while he was in hospital and she told me she hoped it wouldn't go up on Facebook, so of course he promptly posted it on FB :> That's my dad...

He says the doctors give a 20% chance that the problem will re-occur, so I guess we'll have to be vigilant and prepared for it to happen again. And hope for the best.

Another update

liabrown — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 07:08:59 GMT

So the news is good (fingers still crossed) -- my dad had the less-invasive surgery today and it seems to have gone well. He did need to have two holes drilled in his head, though. I haven't talked to him, but my mother seems optimistic. I guess I'm enough of a pessimist to figure things aren't over just yet, especially because we still don't know what caused it, but I'm really relieved it all seems to be going well so far. And so glad it was handled quickly and efficiently.

In other news, at the rock and mineral club meeting tonight I got to hold a real Neanderthal tool which is kind of a huge thrill, and also won a pretty amethyst crystal in the raffle. I enter the raffle every month and rarely win anything (there are multiple winners each time). And Neanderthal tool OMG.

After a really shitty week, this has been a very good day :) But I'm utterly wiped, and will be going to bed early.

Update on my dad

liabrown — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 05:04:58 GMT

So my mother talked to his GP this morning, and told her about his cognitive symptoms -- apparently he was either downplaying them or simply forgot to mention them. She agreed that it sounded very alarming, so he was immediately sent off for an MRI and CAT scan. The tests revealed he has bleeding on the brain, so he's having surgery tomorrow to relieve it. It could be as simple as drilling a hole in the skull and suctioning out all the excess blood, or it might require removing a section of skull (a lot more serious, obviously). I don't know how likely the latter option is -- obviously we're hoping it doesn't come to that. I don't think the doctors expect it at this point, but that might change during surgery.

It's at least good to know what the problem is, though I'm not sure anyone knows what caused the bleeding (he hasn't had a head injury or accident), so that's a bit worrying. I'm trying to keep my mind off things right now, as there's nothing I can do about it. I offered to go down and help out, but my mother said she didn't think it was necessary at this point...I don't want to be in her hair and causing more stress for her unless she needs me. Guess we'll see what his recovery will be like, because we don't know how long he'll be in the hospital or how long it will take to recover after surgery. He's in the hospital now, so I'm glad someone's officially monitoring him.

Anyway, fingers crossed, and please keep my dad in your thoughts.

The long overdue update

liabrown — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 05:16:50 GMT

Okay, I promised an update ages ago.

Been a pretty crummy week, to be honest. Then tonight my parents called and told me something's wrong with my dad -- he's having serious memory lapses and cognitive difficulties, and is also feeling "weak" for unknown reasons. He's seen a cardiologist and has a Holter monitor on right now, with more tests on Friday. I think the memory issues are the more worrisome aspect, because he suddenly can't remember how to do things he's done a million times. Today when I talked to my parents on the phone, my mother had just finished explaining that he's seen a cardiologist but not a neurologist, and then he mentioned that he'd seen a neurologist -- he was apparently confusing the two types of doctors (ordinarily he'd know the difference). Otherwise he can carry on a coherent conversation.

Some may be wondering what's going on with Stan's health: basically nothing. He hasn't had another episode since, the Holter monitor revealed nothing AFAIK, and is still waiting to see a neurologist and get an EEG (that'll be in February). He didn't drive for about 3 weeks which was a huge pain in the ass, but after repeatedly pestering a doctor eventually learned that it was only recommended that he not drive, not a legal requirement. So of course he immediately started driving again. I'm not entirely thrilled about that, but tolerate it because he hasn't had any episodes since. He was also pretty depressed about not driving -- it took away much of his independence and was of course very inconvenient -- so I guess it's a good thing he's driving.

My Christmas holiday and birthday were pretty good, far better than last year. I greatly appreciate those who remembered :) For Christmas I went to my parents' house and saw my sister and nephew (who experienced his first Christmas and didn't understand any of it). Everybody got along, which is nice. It was kind of stressful occasionally due to near-constant noise (always a lot of noise from and around a baby), but overall I weathered it pretty well and had an enjoyable time.

chaos_wolf and runenklinge sent me lovely Golden Glider dolls, which are great fun to cuddle :) They often sit on my lap or tucked into my hoodie, so they're well-loved :)

When I previewed this post I saw that Jen has deleted her LJ. Jen, I'm worried about you :( :( Did I do something wrong?

There's also a person on Tumblr that I've never talked to, but she follows my Rogues blog and I've reblogged some of her Rogues fanart -- she was doing a 'Drawing Each Day' meme. Then she suddenly made a cryptic post that included the phrase "suicide note", which obviously caused alarm bells. She made one lighthearted post shortly after that, but since then has been silent (for almost two weeks now). She has no Askbox to leave messages. I then followed her blog so I could send Fanmail, but to my great frustration Tumblr requires you to follow someone for 48 hours before you can send them Fanmail. I sent her a message over a week ago asking if she's okay, but she hasn't replied. I'm very worried :(

Ah fuck it, I think I'm a wreck tonight. Going to the online dollmakers.

facepalm

liabrown — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 07:10:49 GMT

Somehow I keep running into Rogues fans who lack boundaries. One of the Captain Cold roleplayers reblogged one of my posts with a bunch of threats towards me, and I know he/she's just roleplaying, but it's still creepy as hell. As far as I know this person's a stranger, and I don't publicly RP anymore, so I don't want people involving me in it. I'm an anxious person, and this bothers me enough that I've gone off Tumblr for the night.

I haven't been updating here in a while and will rectify that, but frankly I'm too rattled tonight.

Today's adventure in the ER

liabrown — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:14:50 GMT

Cut for TMI.

This morning at 6 am, I was awake (I keep weird hours, generally awake all night) and Stan got up to go to the bathroom. I don't usually talk to him when he gets up to go to the bathroom in the night, because that makes it easier for him to get back to sleep afterward, so he just went in without a word. This next part I only learned afterward: he had terrible gas/gut pain, and strained to poop, and then collapsed. From my room, I heard a tremendous crash. He didn't answer my questions about whether he was okay, so I got up and stood outside the bathroom, and heard...very loud snoring. That was a serious WTF, so I opened the door and found him face down on the floor in a puddle of urine, still snoring loudly. It was abnormally loud and I was extremely weirded out, so I yelled his name and he didn't respond. I continued yelling and shook and slapped him a few times, and he still didn't wake up, just continued snoring. I threw water on him (he hates getting sprayed/doused with water, so I figured that would shock him awake) and he still didn't wake up. Then he abruptly stopped snoring and I was afraid he'd stopped breathing.

Overall, he was unconscious for a few minutes, though I don't really know how long. It probably seemed longer than it was. I was just about to call 911 when he slowly came to, quite confused and disoriented. I asked him if he wanted me to call 911 and he said no -- a doctor and nurse later said I should have. He just wanted to go back to bed, but I was freaking out that he'd had a stroke or brain bleed, so I insisted we go to the ER.

There were only a few people in the ER waiting room when we got there, but of course we waited and waited (in the end we were there 8 hours, and went about 5 hours before seeing an actual doctor). Most of that was in the treatment area, not the waiting room, but not long before we left a doctor mentioned there'd been a multi-casualty incident which slowed things down. While he didn't say what it was, I'm pretty sure it was this.

Anyway, Stan started to feel better after some lingering nausea and retching. They ran a variety of tests, including an ECG and CT scan, which apparently came back normal. Because he'd been straining to poop when the episode happened, the obvious conclusion is that it was a Valsalva Maneuver (which isn't really serious), but the doctor was concerned that it lasted for several minutes, he'd seemed disoriented, and lost control of his bladder. Since there was nothing obviously wrong with his heart or blood sugar, they're concerned it was a seizure. (Edit: I forgot to mention that if it had been fainting, the doctors would expect he'd have felt something right before it happened, and he has no memory of feeling anything. As far as he remembers, he was sitting on the toilet one moment and feeling normal, and then found himself on the floor.) He'll be seeing a neurologist soon, and has been forbidden from driving until getting an all-clear. Since I can't drive, this is kind of a problem, but we did get through years in which neither of us drove, so it's not insurmountable (although he biked for a lot of that, and I certainly don't think he should be biking either). He'll also be wearing a heart monitor for a few days.

At the moment he feels better, although obviously I'm worried he'll have another incident. I dunno, fingers crossed that it isn't serious :\

Pointlessness

liabrown — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 09:22:59 GMT

Cut for TMI and some ranting with profanity.

Been depressed off and on for the past week. Some days (or hours) are better and worse than others. At the moment I'm in an upswing, or I wouldn't be writing this. Anyway, I'm starting to increasingly suspect that to some extent my depressive episodes are controlled/influenced by my menstrual cycle, because I've noticed things often get much worse right before a period. This isn't a long-term trend, it's something that's seemingly been going on for the past year or two. Considering my menstrual cycle's been getting weirder in other ways over the past few years (it's becoming more erratic, often shorter, with more breakthrough bleeding), I also wonder if that's related too. I'm probably too young to be heading into early menopause, but something's clearly going on.

My arthritis is really flaring for some reason, and my hands are painfully swelling up. I'm really unhappy when it hurts to type or use my hands, because well, we all use our hands a lot. And dammit do I hate child-proof caps when my hands are flaring up.

Most people have probably heard about the Tony Harris cosplay nonsense, but it hit kind of close to home because part of it gnaws at my own insecurities. He rants about women cosplaying to turn on nerds, and then spends a fair amount of time telling these women that they aren't nearly as pretty as they think they are. I personally am under no illusions about my attractiveness; I know I'm an ugly woman (believe me, many many dudes have made sure to tell me that over the years). But for the past month I've been wrestling with the idea of maybe cosplaying as Golden Glider, because I want to but frankly don't think I'm pretty enough. Having some guy -- a professional artist in the industry, no less -- sneering at women for not being pretty enough to cosplay, or having the audacity to think they can cosplay as an attractive character actually really stings. Now I'm even more insecure about the idea. I hate letting these dickheads win, but now I'm even less confident about doing it, so fuck Tony Harris.

Also, while we're at it, I'm tired of feeling like I have to prove myself. I'm sure most of these guys would say that I'm not the kind of poser Harris is talking about, but not everybody knows that. When people like Harris and his defenders suggest that genuinely nerdy women are actually the exception rather than the rule, they create this obnoxious climate where women have to prove they know what they're talking about and are not one of those chicks. I don't want to get shit at a con or a comic shop because some jerk wants to make sure I'm genuine before I can buy my goddamned comics. I don't even want to worry that someone's going to do that. I'm there for a good time, not some kind of nerd Inquisition.

Also, reading about this shit actually made me feel more depressed last week, so again, fuck Tony Harris.

But this little buddy helped cheer me up! I made a pouch for him out of my hoodie so he could hang out with me ^_^

In other news, I thought I was dealing with New 52 angst fairly well these days, and then somebody posted a sad Top/Glider fic tonight and it was a huge gut-punch. But not as bad as it's been in the past (no tears), so maybe I'm doing better now, wooo. <-- This sentence may actually be the most pathetic thing you'll read all day.

The Man wants me to put a subject in here

liabrown — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 13:01:17 GMT

Yesterday we went to a toys/collectibles show in Kitchener. There used to be several of these shows a year and they all kind of sucked to be honest, but now there seems to be only one a year and they're much better (it also helps that we went early this time rather than not long before closing). I was surprised by how many dealers were selling comics, and pissed that I didn't bring my have/want list. There were also a lot more dealers selling coins than usual, and hello, comics and coins are two of my main interests. Sadly I didn't bring my coins have/want list either! (it's not very complete anyway) But I did get a few nice items, notably one Roman coin for very cheap.

It was weird how much WWII Nazi stuff was there, though. I find it interesting to look at for the historical value, but it's very creepy to make money off it and not something I'd buy.

Been battling a cold since Tuesday, having definitely caught it at the UW show last weekend. I also battled some dudes on Wednesday who were (in retrospect) clearly trying to scam me; they didn't really set off alarm bells until they started pressuring me to sign something, and then I balked. I'm actually rather proud of that, because I'm unfortunately quite trusting and have a very hard time saying no to people (and have gotten burned many times, which is why I'm trying to get better at it now), and they were in my house. Fortunately my innate stubbornness kicked in when they just would not give me any leeway and insisted I HAD to sign the documents right then (and quickly, because they were in a hurry etc), so finally I told them no and to leave. It's not uncommon for people to take advantage of Aspies' trusting behaviour, and I'm pretty sure I must give off huge vibes of it because everybody makes a beeline straight for me. Now that I'm aware of this vulnerability, I worry I'm going to become too cynical in an attempt to protect myself, which is not the way I want to be.

So as always, I go through regular angst cycles about the lack of interest in my fanfic. This isn't new. Anyway, recently I've been writing rough drafts and then just sitting on the stuff because it's tough to motivate myself to edit them; it's tedious work and hardly anyone will read them anyway. Then I stumbled across this (I was Googling "Top/Golden Glider" for the first time out of sheer boredom). A stranger recc'd one of my fic series! That's never happened before, and it really means a lot to me. So if you're reading this, thank you, Kilgore Trout.

Also I found somebody calling himself 'Len Snark' who claimed a couple of years ago to be "the Internet's leading provider of Top/Glider fan fic", and wish to state for the record that we are not the same person. I don't know who he is, it's the first I've heard of him. But he obviously likes spankingfemme's art too.

And if he's reading this, please feel free to send me your fic. I want it because of reasons.