I am here for you, said the spider to the fly

Taking part in a raffle...

lepaggoth — Fri, 25 Jun 2021 07:46:26 GMT

...to win mushroom grow-kits. That raffle is international, so you can take part too if you want.
https://sweep.nackrosgarden.com/ref/sj58683614

Random niceties, like video-workout and watching TV

lepaggoth — Sat, 16 Dec 2017 12:23:04 GMT

Nia-TV

Yep. My favourite dance-workout has launched website, where you can among other things view instructed workout routines. (To be honest I haven't really checked out the "other things" yet.) It has a cost, but has two weeks free trial period. I've been meaning to test it all autumn long, but didn't really get round to it until now that my regular classes are on christmas break and my back is jamming from the lack of exercise. So, yesterday I finally decided to give it a try. My first test routine was called "Life", because it sounded vaguely familiar and I thought maybe someone whose classes I go to has had that routine recently. Actually no, but there was one familiar song on the playlist - by one of my fave instructors, who is also a singer-songwriter and I bought her album last year :D To be honest, even though I have rather long nia-history (12 years I think), my first thoughts with the chosen routine were "what kind of holy smoke hippie thing this is?" and I had trouble following some instructions - partly because I couldn't get the video to full screen mode so lower part of it seemed to be cut out (and that might have been my own problem. Unless the video really was shot weird). It wasn't so bad after all, and I think I will have to return to it some day (especially if I want to workout but easy and light - or see if I get something else out of it once the movements get more familiar), but thought I'd test some other routines first. So, today I picked "Wild" that had promising name - and it turned out to be faster, easier to follow and some of the songs (and moves) were familiar from those classes I regularly go to. That was fun and sweaty - I definitely will return to that one, especially if I want enhance blood circulation in my back!

Watching (ordinary) TV

Slowly getting through last season of Bones that I saved already on spring/early summer but haven't really gotten round watching until I had finished second-last season of Pretty Little Liars. I don't think the later seasons of Bones are as amusing as the old ones, but doesn't it feel like being around old friends watching the familiar characters...

Some new thing found was Jack Taylor, shown on the regular British crime show-slot, though this time it's Irish. First episodes seemed to be ridiculously tough Hard-Boiled Detective -genre (that reminded me of Dresden Files, that turkey), though third one dealing with irish sore spots like Magdalene Sisters took several steps towards noir of Hinterland, and was actually interesting. I wouldn't mind it staying more in that direction, though let's see what the other episodes turn out to be.

Gig-blog

Sent Kimi link to my review of the Lord Vicar gig and pics, he thanked and had shared the link on on Lord Vicar's official page almost immediately. Before I left for work in the evening, the visitor-count showed that the page had gotten about 40 hits within just matter of minutes, and today the visitor count is well over 200 O_O
It's moments like this I wonder if I should activate AdSense in my gig blog and start sharing the link every time I post. Then I remember my tendency to writer's block, that I wanted to keep the posting barrier in the blog low and post what I wanted. And the annoying social media drama last year when one gig organiser got annoyed for not only that I had dared to share the link on the event's page but that I had dared to write at all and one drummer got upset for that I had actually liked his playing and said it but not praised it in such way that would have pleased him (or whatever the fuck was the reason - he kept giving me stink-eye every time he saw me for months after that review, and at first thanks to face-blindness I didn't even know who he was, except that he had something against me). Of course it seems funny now, but it really wasn't then, and I don't think I would be able to handle social media drama more often. (Especially if some gig organisers get upset and decide I'm not welcome to their shows anymore, though to be honest more organisers have been just pleased of someone going to their events, taking and sharing pics.)

lepaggoth — Sat, 18 Nov 2017 16:09:34 GMT

(as seen on anwyn_elfmaiden's)

If there are one or more people on your friends list who make your world a better place just because they exist, and who you would not have met (in real life or not)
without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

LJ did make world a better place in its heyday - recently Facebook has been reminding me of being friends for 10 years there with several such people I had originally met via LJ. People from different countries, even different continents, who I wouldn't have met without internet and specially LJ, some of whom I've met in real life and even if I haven't, have kept contact for several years.

InCoWriMo

lepaggoth — Sun, 05 Feb 2017 18:15:14 GMT

Decided to take part in InCoWriMo this year - to catch up with my correspondence a bit and also to send greetings to such friends I write more seldom with, telling I haven't forgotten them. Let's see how long I can keep up, but of course I hope whole month.

Lots of slow music to buy

lepaggoth — Sat, 14 Nov 2015 09:34:10 GMT

Swallow the Sun released their triple album yesterday that I'm curious about, and I have usually liked Swallow the Sun anyway.

Then I've been thinking about getting that Skepticism's "Ordeal", that was released in September already - and recorded live in front of audience, that also I was part of, in January. I don't own much Skepticism on album, as it requires certain state of mind to listen, and listening it from the album is still very different experience from really heavy and cathartic live experience. However, having seen and heard "Ordeal" live already when it was recorded makes it interesting to hear in comparison.

Then I've been reading very good reviews about My Dying Bride's new album and was wondering should I buy it or not. I confess "Dreadful Hours" (back in 2001) has been probably last MDB-album that truly impressed me, and even if I've bought quite a bunch of new stuff that has come since then, it has felt somehow faceless - I have listened to them for a while and then forgotten them to shelf. If I feel like listening to MDB, I usually pick something old. (And I confess they have also fallen off my radar quite a bit - every time I go to record store, it seems there's some new releases by MDB that I hadn't even heard of, but then quite some of them seem to be maybe lives and collections). So I'm sort of pondering would this new album be any different and/or would buying it in lump with a lot of other slow and depressing stuff overshadow it. Well at least I like the glass window-style cover art... And then on the other hand, if I was buying Skepticism also for support, why not MDB as well?

Apparently also Dark Buddha Rising has released something that got praising reviews. They were so impressing live that listening them from the album would be (again) very different. So, not sure will I buy it or not. Maybe later.

Also, Facebook has few times advertised me new album by Draconian. I reviewed their two first albums for Imperiumi about a decade ago, and actually remember liking them, but they also got overshadowed by Swallow the Sun, and me keeping reviewing a lot of stuff then, so I don't really know what they've been up to later. So every once in a while I keep thinking should I check them out or not. (Also, not going to buy their album in a lump with others, but will listen to recommendations if someone has them.)

Cute animals inhabiting my dreams

lepaggoth — Tue, 05 May 2015 11:28:47 GMT

Night before last night I had a dream that involved running cuckatoos. That sweet dream was brutally interrupted by alarm going off ass o'clock, because I had work shift starting at six.

Last night I had a dream that my friend's chinchilla had escaped and gone missing - and then was found under our porch, and because it was cold outside the chinchilla had dressed himself into a doll-cardigan and a matching, if somewhat hipstery wooly cap, and looked just stinkingly cute. (Oh, and in real life my friend's chinchillas are both black and not grey like the chinchilla in my dream was - though we both had grey chinchillas when we were little. None of them showed hipstery fashion sense, though.)

Have come across in some blogs papery journalling into calendars, drawing some pictures beside few words of each day. (The blog I first read about it called that type of journalling "hobonichi" or "fauxbonichi" depending on whether it's kept on a japanese calendar or into western calendar or notebook of same style, but it turned out that at least term "fauxbonichi" refers to a certain type of file or folio to keep your notebooks arranged rather than style of journalling, so I don't really know what to call that style). As that journalling style looks nice and I've badly fallen back on keeping real life diary these days, I sort of challenged myself to test such journalling for one month that happens to be May. Just few everyday things, like was I at work or off, what did I eat (as that seemed to be very important content of examples seen in blogs) or watch from telly, and if I don't feel like writing, then drawing more pictures. It wasn't intended to be a dream journal, but as I had shortage of content yesterday, I drew a running cuckatoo, and I guess today I must draw the chinchilla from my dream.

lepaggoth — Fri, 28 Nov 2014 10:33:31 GMT

Had a dentist today, and anesthesia feels only to get stronger when more time passes :P Also heading for evening shift today, I really hope it would get easier before that - and at least enough so I can have lunch before shift! (Just noticed I've been likely biting my tongue for last half an hour and felt nothing, uhh...) Actually there had been some discussion of meeting Anna today for lunch, but I already sent her message about other forthcoming lunch dates, not knowing if I'm in lunch condition today.

popular culture

lepaggoth — Thu, 15 May 2014 15:56:19 GMT

...I think I mentioned how weird it felt when the funfair had that disco-techno song with repetitive "he's a motherfucker"-lyrics. Well, apparently someone has decided it's very suitable song for kids, as today I went geocaching with Heidi, and we passed a big Street Basket-event for schoolkids - and there was the motherfucker-song blasting again from the sponsor's truck!

Oh, and this new layout doesn't let me send the post. Meh!

Did I say friendzy?

lepaggoth — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 17:25:14 GMT

...Now there's also slightly different friendzy I was told about - looking for penpals instead of new LJ-pals.
http://cappuccinotogo.livejournal.com/66457.html

Friendzy

lepaggoth — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 15:34:20 GMT

...over in silviarambles's journal. Here!

Said and done...

lepaggoth — Fri, 08 Jun 2012 12:55:29 GMT

It's alive...

http://rockstardressup.blogspot.fi/

...with not that much content yet.
I was pondering should I search and put out YouTube-links of songs I have quoted in the subject lines... And is it necessary to list stats of all clothes and accessories in pictures - not sure - I don't think I have ever actually read fashion blogs, as when I've tried, I haven't been sure what is actual blog post and what is advertise-banner thanks to their layout.

New Scrapbook and notes of some online behavior

lepaggoth — Sat, 05 May 2012 08:05:46 GMT

Just read the LJ-News post about New Scrapbook... If I remember right, user-generated forward-posts about issue said that switching from old scrapbook to new one would delete all one's photos never to be accessible anymore, unless one transfers them to other photo hosting services before the transfer happens, and all links will be broken and stuff.

Now what I read from news, main issue is that all pictures one has are being migrated to new system, but tags will disappear and some custom-visibility probably has to be re-customized, (as in current system every friend has to be added manually and in new system it will be automatically synchronised with LJ-friends list so stuff visible for friends will be visible for current friends and not mostly for those who were on your friendslist when you created that gallery but deleted their journals already 2 years ago). So, some of the stuff might be inaccessible during migration, but not like it's going to disappear forever.

Sounds to me like I won't have anything to complain about new stuff - I was mostly worried if my old stuff in rabbit blog would disappear and since it won't it's allright. I kind of understand that situation might be different if I was selling photoshopped fan art for dime, and there were dozens of strangers were browsing my scrapbook galleries according to tags daily (and I was just desperately lacking that dime from weekend's grocery shopping bill), so in that way I pretty much understand some people's frustration, BUT I was still appalled by amount of complaining just for the sake of complaining in comments.

I think it would be awful to work in customer service of LJ or any sweet social media games replying "questions" that are mostly accusations and trying to mobilise angry mobs on any issue, rather than sensible discussion. And sometimes devs and users just speak too different language to understand each other - sometimes even literally - as long as I played (fluff)friends and sometimes browsed their forum, there were sometimes user posts claiming how somebody's day was ruined and s/he had cried him/herself to sleep at night because of a glitch in system but that was pretty much only comprehensible thing in the post because of her/his poor english skills and nature of said glitch remained mystery. But also another example of devs and users speaking different language comes from (fluff)friends - namely the game's old vs new interface debat. Old interface was working on a code that didn't work well with Facebook after some of Facebook's renovations (that there is all the time - so after renovation after renovation after renovation, the old interface became difficult if not impossible to use with Facebook anymore) and new interface was based on different code, but also came with very bright and unmatching colors most players protested and demanded old interface back, since it looked more neutral. Gamewise, the new interface was easier once one got used to it, but some didn't even want to because of colors. Developers reluctance to bring in alternative colors or change the bright colors into more neutral ones seemed mostly goofy - maybe they had paid so much for someone innovative to design match that was supposed to be "cute" (but turned out difficult to read or shivering at the edges of colors for some) that they didn't want to toss that money away and design a new one? Until the whole game was discontinued, and someone from the customer service explained the code thing - that old interface was based on code that had become too dysfunctional to be continued but apparently people were leaving the game because of new interface. And users were baffled as they hadn't known about the code thing but talked about graphics (well, mostly colors) of the new system and had nothing against the code it was based on - they simply didn't know about it! As well as devs apparently were completely oblivious to that hordes of complaining users would have felt their problem to be fixed just by changing colors, nevermind the code. "User interface" meant so different things to devs and users - and there weren't enough mediators between them to make them understand each other.

There's friending frenzy again

lepaggoth — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 10:30:51 GMT

How about finding some new LJ-friends with active journals? My friend goffburd is hosting a friendzy over here, so feel free to go there and/or spread the link to get more people interested and involved, so it wont be just mutual friends wondering and pondering that we already know each other :)

The link one more time: http://goffburd.livejournal.com/563999.html

re-posted from others.

lepaggoth — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 10:46:31 GMT

Alkuperäinen tekijä katsuko otsikolla merkintä

Originally posted by electricdruid at The fiasco continues

ACTA in a Nutshell –

What is ACTA? ACTA is the Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement. A new intellectual property enforcement treaty being negotiated by the United States, the European Community, Switzerland, and Japan, with Australia, the Republic of Korea, New Zealand, Mexico, Jordan, Morocco, Singapore, the United Arab Emirates, and Canada recently announcing that they will join in as well.

Why should you care about ACTA? Initial reports indicate that the treaty will have a very broad scope and will involve new tools targeting “Internet distribution and information technology.”

What is the goal of ACTA? Reportedly the goal is to create new legal standards of intellectual property enforcement, as well as increased international cooperation, an example of which would be an increase in information sharing between signatory countries’ law enforcement agencies.

Essential ACTA Resources -

Read more about ACTA here: ACTA Fact Sheet
Read the authentic version of the ACTA text as of 15 April 2011, as finalized by participating countries here: ACTA Finalized Text
Follow the history of the treaty’s formation here: ACTA history
Read letters from U.S. Senator Ron Wyden wherein he challenges the constitutionality of ACTA: Letter 1 | Letter 2 | Read the Administration’s Response to Wyden’s First Letter here: Response
Watch a short informative video on ACTA: ACTA Video
Watch a lulzy video on ACTA: Lulzy Video

Say NO to ACTA. It is essential to spread awareness and get the word out on ACTA.

Via Tumblr

Crossposted from DreamWidth. Click here to view other comments to the entry.

Friends-list cut to come...

lepaggoth — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 11:24:25 GMT

I'm considering slight trimming of my friends list. Mostly I'll be cutting (again) inactive multiple journals, so likely, if you're on my friends list AND reading this, you're likely to stay. Unless you're one of those stalkers who read but never post nor comment - I'm not actually sure if there is someone like that, as I'm likely to think it's someone who deserted LJ for Facebook years ago, and cut that as well.

As contradictory as it may seem - I might want to make new LJ-friends at some point, but I expect friendship to be both-sided. Posting and commenting every now and then, getting to know each other. Bit like penpalling was in the old days.

Maybe I should start keeping a wishlist.

lepaggoth — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 22:38:11 GMT

When I was younger, I used to keep a wishlist of albums I wanted to have - and once I happened to find one of my old wishlists from two years earlier time, and was delighted to see that I had actually bought all the albums listed on it - little by little, one by one.

I've seen lately a lot of stuff I think I want, and so I thought maybe I should start keeping track on them - as mostly they're just collectible items and sweet vanity, not something I'd actually need, keeping list on them I can perhaps later check back and either notice that I've actually gotten stuff I really wanted, or re-evaluate did I really want it after all, or was it just a passing craze.

Some stuff I'm eventually going to buy at some point, though not in this financial situation, but some point - like American McGee's Alice 2:Madness Returns for XboX, Twin Peaks Gold Box, and well, 5th season of Bones on DVD as well (since I already have previous 4 seasons).

That doesn't stop me from drooling some Alice-merchandise, at least not as long as it's advertised on my Facebook newsfeed every now and then! Like this lovely moon shirt. And this looks pretty cool too - I like the setting of the image (and I do like the image), even though I don't like the length of sleeves. But the shirt itself seems to be of decent length - I usually avoid all ladyfit/girlie shirts because they're too short for me, but if that shirt is covering model's hips, it'd be likely to cover my belly as well.

And then I came across Rabbit Tarot when I flipped through some links I had bookmarked. Wow are they cute.

(And when I get lost in Etsy or other pages alike, I get lost there for hours and decide to want kazillion things from there. Better sign off and go to sleep now...)

WTF!?!

lepaggoth — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 21:25:06 GMT

Loreena Mc Kennitt's song "Sacred Sabbath" sounds to be cover of Boney M's "Rasputin"? Pretty much only piece of melody that is not included is the chorus-line Ra-ra-Rasputin, but otherwise it's very much alike.

Album cover tells a lengthy story of melody being found on a CD presenting spanish shepherd music from years 1100 - 1200. But I have a wild guess whoever put out that CD had been listening to Boney M (or it could be Boney M's composers had been listening to spanish shepherd music from 1100 - 1200 tales - if Beatles was covering russian and Simon & Garfunkel suoth-american folksongs and credited them as their own, it's possible). To my ear it's more mocking-slavic than meditterranean melody, but on the other hand I'm not expert on real folk music of either, just slightly more used to hearing slavic as well as mockingly slavic melodies.

lepaggoth — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 09:20:09 GMT

Your rainbow is strongly shaded violet.

What is says about you: You are a creative person. You appreciate beauty and craftsmanship. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Ahum...

lepaggoth — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 09:26:39 GMT

I think I just witnessed wood-pigeons copulating outside my kitchen window.

(musical) memories from the past...

lepaggoth — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:59:04 GMT

I was searching for something totally different from YouTube, when I stumbled upon songs from Sirrah's "Acme". Released in 1996, it still doesn't sound a bit outdated. Despite every second band and their friend using later days high female vocals, male growling vocals, cellos, pianos and violins decorating their metal and sounding very clichéd doing so, Sirrah had their songs composed so well they still sound original. (Proving that it's not the elements you use but how well you use them.)

Here:
Acme
Bitter Seas
and the masterpiece of sadness:
Pillbox Impressions

And to the end something different that I still found at the same time and wanted to save for myself:
Trouble: The Tempter
It's a great song too! (Because I already tagged this post as nostalgia, I might add it was on the doom metal compilation tape Albert made me in 1999 when I asked for reference in old school doom.)

Kirjoituskyvyttömyys: Aika pullossa

lepaggoth — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:47:08 GMT

1. The Doors in their prime.

2. Queen in the 1970's.

Tuska-memories in pictures

lepaggoth — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:32:09 GMT

	Eluveitie rather peaceful shot of the hurdy-gurdy player.
	My Dying Bride Cry of Mankind
	My Dying Bride hairgod
	main stage decoration

Kirjoituskyvyttömyys: Ei se leijona ja lammas

lepaggoth — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 07:34:18 GMT

Ok, so it's a proverb that has to do with March! Only place I've come across that one before was Arabian Horse World-magazine my mom used to subscribe when I was little, and there always was silly cartoons I really liked on the last page. One had text of "In like a lion, out like a lamb" and had picture of roaring lion who then jumped out from his costume as a prancing lamb, and finally a smirking horse taking off also the lamb outfit. I always thought "lamb" and "lion" were meant to describe the horse's temper and how different it acts with different people. It could have been March issue then.

Too bad my mom probably sold her collection of those magazines last time she moved, I would have liked to share some of those cartoons now that I remember.

(This started as a comment to another one's post where the question was in english, when I tried to reply this seems to translate the question, based on location I think. Note: This is first Writer's Block-question I have answered by far!)

Snowed in, mostly

lepaggoth — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 11:14:21 GMT

Yesterday and doday it seems to have snowed from behalf of several such years that had less snow. There's still some white stuff falling from the sky, though less than yesterday, or in the morning.

Heavy metal maskuliinisuus/feminiinisyys, ajatusten kaatopaikka

lepaggoth — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 07:54:40 GMT

Olen lähdössä kohdakkoin maskuliiinisuuksia käsittelevälle luennolle (luennolle pitkästä aikaa! hallelujagobble!) ja ajattelin kirjata pohdintoja hiukan ylös ENNEN - ehkä jälkeen on lisää ajateltavaa.

Olen miettinyt miksi juuri maskuliinisuus ilmiönä kiehtoo niin, että sen ympärille kiertyy useampikin opinnäytetyö tai kurssitehtävä tavalla tai toisella. Useimmissa vastaavissa toistuvissa teemoissa on kyse jollain tavalla myös oman identiteetin työstöprosessissta. Toinen toistuva teema monissa töissäni on ollut väkivalta, vaikken myönnä olevani erityisen väkivaltainen ihminen, ja vaikka siihen liittyvä aineisto tuntuu ajoittain jopa vastenmieliseltä (opinnäytetöiden aineistona mm sota- ja kidutustarinoita, joita en valinnut itse vaan niitä nousi jatkuvasti esiin isommasta aineistosta, ja perusmainstreamia väkivaltaisempia ja verisempiä musiikkivideoita). Väkivavllan käsittely on kuitenkin ollut jollain tavalla identiteetin käsittelyä. Olin joka tapauksessa koulukiusattu vuosia, ja se vaikutti identiteettiini, halusin tai en. Sotatarinoitten kautta väkivallan oikeuttamisen ja vastapuolen epäinhimillistämisen mekanismit tulivat näkyvämmiksi ja itse koettu jollain tavala ymmärrettävämmäksi, vaikkei silti hyväksyttävämmäksi, vaikken sitä yhteyttä ymmärtänyt silloin kuin vasta jälkeenpäin.

Ehkä maskuliinisuuden kanssa on samoin, aineiston aihepiiriksi on toistuvasti valikoitunut vanhan rakkaan harrastuksen kautta metallimusiikin lieveilmiöt (erityisesti visualiikka musiikkivideoitten kautta). Metallikulttuuri on jotenkin hyvin leimallisesti maskuliinisuuden prosessointia, mikä on toisaalta allekirjoittaneen kohdalla aiheuttanut myös jonkunlaista identiteetin kaksoiskoodausta ja prosessin mutkikkuutta - miten ja miksi nainen prosessoi maskuliinisuutta ja miten oma toiseus on käsitettävä/käsitettävissä suhteessa siihen? Määrittyykö maskuliinisuus aina negaation kautta, puutteena tai jonain, mitä se ei ole? Tiettyä skitsahtaneisuutta ainakin on teiniaikaisessa määritelmässä 80-luvun julistelehdistä, joissa "maskuliinisimmalta bändiltä näytti Girlschool", kyseisen lehden ollessa muuten täynnä toinen toistaan puleeratumpia ja meikatumpia glamrock-poikia. (Girlschoolilla oli kuvissa vähiten meikkiä ja hiukan varautuneet poseerausasennot, siinä missä helmiäishohtoiset ja riemunkirjavat glamrockarit poseerasivat flirttaillen ja keikistellen.) Mitä on tuo jännittävä, määritelmiä pakeneva maskuliinisuus, joka on naisen saavutettavissa olemuksellisesti, mutta jonka puute tekee miehestä jotenkin huonomman? Ja onko sen puute tekevinään naisestakin jotenkin huonomman? Ehkä siihen liittyy suurin heavy metal-maskuliinisuden dilemma. Olen niin vanha, ettei minun nuoruudessani metallikulttuurissa oikeastaan ollut samalla tavalla eriytyneitä naisen malleja kuin nykyisin. Siihen aikaan kuvista pystyi päättelemään, ketkä ovat koristeeksi palkattuja malleja ja ketkä oikeasti kuuntelevat musiikkia - tosissaan mukana olevat näyttivät suunnilleen samalta kuin pojatkin. Jo muutamaa vuotta nuoremmat olivat omaksuneet naisellisuutta äärimmilleen korostavan manalan prinsessa-lookin, joka taas itsestä tuntui vielä omituiselta ja epämukavalta. Omassa nuoruuudessa unisex-bändipaidat olivat itsestäänselvyys - lyhyemmillä kavereilla ne kenties ylettyivät polviin saakka, mutta omanlaistaan tosissaan olemista edusti sekin. Nykyisin keikoilla nuoret tytöt valittavat, ettei paitaa voi ollenkaan käyttää jos se ei ole ns. tyttöpaita, riippumatta siitä, sopiiko se omalle vartalotyypille vai ei.

Onko tämä eriytyminen sitten vapauttavaa vai ei? Kontrastina siihen, mihin itse on kasvanut, se tuntuu rajoittavalta, mutta toisaalta oma suhtautuminen voi sekin olla yhtä rajoittavaa, siitä on vain tullut oma sokea piste.

Ei päästy puusta pitkään, mutta pakkko mennä.

I posted the previous before a lecture about masculinities, thinking of my own approach on the topic. This "brief in english" is not a translation, but re-told - hopefully maybe better formulated, or maybe adding more in some points.

I was thinking how come "masculinity" is such an interesting theme many of my works deal with it in a way or another. Partly I think it belongs to some kind of identity process. Earlier I repeatedly came across theme of violence in my works, even though I didn't like it. Only later I understood by having a corpus of horrid atrocity stories of war and torture, or very violent music videos, that besides research I also processed my own identity - that the violence I had to experience throughout my school years thanks to schoolbullies, was part of me whether I wanted it or not, and by research I was able to distance it and learn something of its mechanisms which made it more understandable, though not acceptable.

Masculinity came to picture through dear hobby of metal music and interest to culture surrounding it. Heavy metal culture is very much about processing, projecting and discussing masculinity, and so it's actually wilfully chosen part of my identity, as it's dear hobby of mine like said. Anyway, it's still rising many questions, because as a woman (and as a teenager when I found metal and wilfully chose to dive into that culture, as growing up to me a woman), I have to also process my otherness with the culture, besides taking part to its processing of masculinity. AND, what IS that masculinity? It seems to escape definitions and be defined very often through its negation. Do masculinity and femininity even exist separate, or are they always related to each other - two sides of a coin instead of two extreme poles of humanity? One example of this negation was one poster-magazine of 80's, that I commented as a teenager by saying "Girlschool was the most masculine band in it", as it showed a great deal of glamrockers, rock cocks posing in seductive positions, wearing a ton of pastel-shady makeup and glittery, frilly colorful clothes, and then a bunch of girls were dressed in jeans and t-shirts, had barely make-up at all and stared the camera looking reserved. What is masculinity, if it becomes a female quality, as well as some men are defined by their lack of it?

I'm so old that in my youth there was not such separate rolemodels to women and men in metal than there is these days. Women were more likely divided into "models who are hired to pose as decorations in some pics" and "true followers, who really listen to music", the latter looking very much the same as the boys. Like, models wore pink miniskirts and frills, true followers wore jeans and leather. If a true follower adapted model-like look, there was always risk of not being taken seriously. And band-shirts were unisex, all same shape and size. Only a few years younger girls started emphasizing their physical femininity, creating and adopting some kind of Deadly Princess-image, that I couldn't squeeze myself into as it felt uncomfortable for ME, even though for them it was a natural way of being. And these days young girls complain at the concerts how they can't wear a band-shirt at all if it's a regular tee and not a shorter and tighter "girlie"-shirt, nevermind if their body would look just as good in a regular tee size M than girlie size XXL. Oh, and lately there was some "street gallup" from some metal event, where a girl complained that she normally dresses in jeans and t-shirts, but feels like she can't come to a metal event unless she's dressed up as a "gothic princess", because that's the way others are O_O

So, I don't know if that separation of gender roles is such a good and liberating thing at all - though probably I have a blind spot for how my own generation was limited in pretending there is no difference.

After all, I feel like I ended up on talking about women's role in metal instead of masculinity - but in a way it is trying to see the masculinity through its negation.