January 2025

Rolled over me

Like a party bus

Careening on a mountain road

Just writing “2025” those first days

Caused such duress, worrying about what was to come

What was already at play

In my country

& in our world

Then the blitz of work demands

Caring for ill children

I overcommitted myself

And that self got a bit lost along the way

What to do in the face of tyranny?

Be together.

Show up.

But there are still bills to pay

Toilets to unclog

In New York

With my eldest daughter

Looking up at the skyscrapers

Like a country bumpkin

I felt so free

So small

Such relief

At first it was disorienting to not be run by meetings and obligations

To not have necks craned towards me as a decider, a leader

But then

To float around Manhattan

See the Evidence Dance Company remind me

No, teach me

That GRACE

Is joy

Is power

Not merely poise in the face of conflict and uncertainty.

Or being able to walk in heels and a pencil skirt.

We stood under the giant pigeon on the Highline

Biting wind

Chapping our upturned faces

We saw, witnessed

Chewed on

So much truth and beauty

In a few short days

Yes, I was circumspect on the Staten Island Ferry

Gazing at the Statue of Liberty.

But I was heartened too

By art

By strangers

By voices near and far

Throughout history

Clamoring for justice

My girl was not up for DC

How many people were not this time?

I understand

It didn’t feel like a choice

Hand in hand with my best friend

We marched

We listened

We called out

And we were thousands

Strong

But also

Heartbroken Tired Scared

Afterwards

MAGA hats

Smug inaugural visitors

Gave me the heebee jeebees and worse

Reminded me of my place in their eyes

In America 2025

As a brown woman

Less than

Disposable

Not worthy of eye contact

Or the front seat in the airport shuttle

Home and hours later

I was swallowed up by fever

Spit out days later with fatigue

Dizziness

Headaches

And strained eyes

For 2 weeks

Til February

Til now

At the same time,

I couldn’t look away from the hate

The crimes against our democracy, our humanity

Fever dreams and reality were hard to separate.

Are we really here?

What life do my brown daughters get to look forward to?

All the children

From here to Gaza.

What do they face?

What will they?

Long after my journey

From dust to dust.

I don’t know.

But I tell you my love grows

Wider

Hotter

Brighter

More inevitable than the Eaton complex fire

I don’t want to fight

But I will

Will you?

I want to consume all that is rotten

In this world

And like a dragon

Breathe out flames

Healing flames

Belch out rainbows

And vomit cascading waterfalls

Nourish lush landscapes

Overgrown with love

Infested with kindness

Safe for all of us

Echoing with the sounds of laughter

Where we can play and learn and grow together

This is the kind of monster I am becoming

I will not be small

You shouldn’t either.