Lost in my own Space.

Depression is becoming the new black

2013-09-21T11:19:44Z

Yesterday, I saw a article on Buzz Feed called 21 Comics that Capture The Frustration of Depression. I find this interesting as these comics along with numerous other articles and comics I keep seeing and reading never discuss treatment. The only comic that has ever touched on treatment that I have seen is Least I Could Do. I am shocked by this. I mean I am sure there are other comics and articles that talk about how treatment is necessary and a good thing, but what is with all these articles trying to explain what the problem is? Depression is an illness, a sickness, an affliction. So in the modern world, you treat a sickness. If you have an infection, you go to the doctor, get antibiotics, get better. If you break your hand, you get the bones set and after it heals, you go to physical therapy and get better. If you are a diabetic, you treat the diabetes. So, why is so hard for people to admit that therapy and anti-depressants / anti-anxiety drugs are useful. I understand depression, what I don't understand is not treating it. Could be that everyone is worried that the treatment will actually work and then you would feel like even more of an ass for not doing it earlier.

On another note on all these comics, they are very self-serving. They always try to tell a story of what it is like to be the person with the depression, but never the frustration of the people around them. Frequently they other people portrayed in the comics as assholes. They are the constant portrayed as the people who ignore the needs of the main character, or just tell them to snap out of it, or the one who says "OH, this shit again?" Well, that may be what the person writing the story believes but if someone showed up every day with a horrible headache but never went to get it check out or took anything for it and all they did was complain about it, sooner or later it would get old and you wouldn't want to hear about it anymore.

I am depressed. I hate my depression. I fight it, I battle it, but it has a good hold on me. Has for the past year since Jen left me. Fucking broke me and broke my heart, and allowed my depression to get back in and take root. And you know what, I am in therapy and treating that shit. And if someone says, well you don't really have depression, you are just depressed because of that one instance they can go away. I have had depression since I was a kid but I learned ways to battle, fight, and control it. My old tricks are no longer working, so I am learning new ones. It bothers me that people refuse to do the same and just live wrapped in their negative feelings. Maybe it is comfortable to them.

Words? Fuck you, Hamlet.

2012-08-21T01:53:13Z

“The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use them.” - Philip K. Dick

I have thoughts on words bouncing around my head all day. Words, meanings, vocabulary. Let's see if I can get these down.

Words have power. They can make people laugh, cry, strong, cower, feel many, many things. They can convey emotion and thought, though not perfectly. And if used slightly wrong or the wrong word is used, the thought or emotion gets misinterpeted.

When I first started dating Jen, we established some rules. One of the main ones I asked for was that if we were going to have an open relationship that permission be given before hand. This was establish very, very early on in our relationship. Like within a month or two. I had asked for this because of trust issues I was having because of the way things had fallen out in my recently ended relationship with my ex-wife. At the same time, we established a pattern where permission was almost always given and we were open about our other relationships. Not always, we failed at communication some times, but mostly we were good about the open communication. Though looking back, me more than her. She was always secretive about some aspects of her life, but I never really begrudged her that.

The idea was that we had the ability to make sure that if there was something that made us uncomfortable that the other was engaging in we could voice an objection before it had a chance to hurt us. Again, this was the idea, not always what occured. Sometimes we failed.

Anyway, at some point that changed and I didn't get the memo. Suddenly, she felt that asking permission was unfair to her as a person and that she no longer wanted that aspect of being controlled. Funny, I never thought of it as controlling. But, when I confronted her, I made the comment that I had given her every freedom. And that was the problem. She felt she had to ask for her freedom and it was not mine to give and take away as I saw fit. That was never the case. I was never controlling. I had a couple objections, some I couldn't put my finger on, but mostly never objected.

So, I have reflected on that a bit. The problem I keep running up against is that I don't have any other words for it. This weekend I slipped and used the same phrase, though i knew it would get tossed back in my face. I guess the correct set of words would be more that she had every freedom, and she still wanted more.

Another thing I have been bouncing around with is justification. Justification is just another form of excuse.
Couple things on that.
First, I have been having a lot of people telling me my "fellings are justified". I KNOW THEY ARE. Guh. I am going through a rough time. Of course I am feeling hurt, angry, betrayed, etc. Duh. But people always telling me they are is just validating me to keep having them and not letting me work on them.
Second, the justifications used by Jen. They are just excuses that she is using to either remove or redirect responsibility. No matter how a persons actions are justified, the damage and pain caused are still the fault of the person acting. She knows this, of course. I just want to write it down. Maybe it will get out of my head.

A final thing. During this last weekend, Jen stated that she is going to try to be in contact with me more, of her own action. Not me always going to her. This is hopefully a good thing. I was starting to feel that it was only me that was putting in the work and effort. Hope she follows through.

I have therapy in the morning. Been an interesting week. Tomorrow is another day. Things are what they are.

Anxiouty

2012-08-17T18:28:21Z

Feeling pretty anxous about Pi-Con tonight for some reason. Feeling reserved and out of sorts and at the same time a bit panicy. My heart and my head are at the same time at ods with them selves and with each other.

Also, my back is all fucked up and knotted.

Surrounded by negativity, not negative

2012-08-02T17:37:57Z

Talking to a friend yesterday, they made a comment that though I am currently surrounded my negativity in the course my life has taken me, it hasn't made my energy negative. I am still a positive individual that is just dealing with a hugely crappy situation.
It is funny, the shit lies I keep hearing, seeing. Parrots.e

EDIT: I hate being depressed.

Just walk into the room, sit down, and start talking.

2012-07-31T17:13:40Z

Well, that was fun, in the most sarcastic sense of the word. Therapy was me spewing my brains out this morning. I had a really bad night last night, mentally and I dumped that shit on the dude this morning. Lots of round and round and coming back to certain issues. I have felt a bit out of sorts and wrung out most of the morning.

One thing I need to get better at is that if I reach out to someone, I need to tell them why and be clear about my needs and what is going on. Saying, "I am having a bad evening" is not the same as saying "it is not safe for me to be by myself right now, can you help me?"

I am still processing some things from this last weekend and trying to organize my thoughts and emotions. I need to figure out healthier reactions to the stresses that are put on me, especially when something totally unexpected happens. Mentally healthier. Physical I can work on later but I need to start taking better care of the mental.

Maybe drinking an entire case of beer in one day is not the healthist way of dealing with a stressful situation.
18 Beers is not an entire case. It is 3/4s of a case.
Maybe you should also drink better beer.

Homesick

2012-07-30T16:19:09Z

So, I spent the weekend working ong the house. Better to say I spent Saturday working on ghte house. Sunday was a bust, not really that feeling motivated to do more work. A mojor problem I was having on Sunday was homesickness. I was homesick for the life I was packing into boxes, sweeping up, painting over. I was homesick for my life that had been tossed away.
It really started to wear down on me on Sunday mid morning, though I had felt it coming on the previous evening. I had been able to distract myself the night before, mainly by drinking and smoking and talking about shit that didn't matter. But Sunday, it came on and I felt homesick for the place I was in.
I really had become comfortable there, comfortable with my life. Now, I feel cheated and it hurts.

Happy slide to crash

2012-07-19T13:47:46Z

Dinner last night was really good. I got to introduce albreda to shadesong, yendi, and Judah. That went really well. All seemed to get along. The library that is their house helped, I am sure.

albreda spent the night with me, which was really good for us. No SCA event, no other demands on either of us, no part of me wanting to be somewhere else. Nothing but the two of us. Made for a really nice morning, waking up with her.

This morning I was in a great mood, all happy and NRE and smug. And I wasn't paying attention. So when the pain of loss and betrayal came slamming in, my gaurds were not up. Nothing like crying at work.

The emotional flip was hard and fast and crushing. I need to be more careful, especially with the amount of landminds that are lying around in my mental state. I am recovering, slowly.

Some thoughts on sca fighting.

2012-07-04T03:03:49Z

Over the past 3 years, I have become a really good fighter. I have great days, I have good days, and sometimes I SUCK! It is just the way it is. It is really funny that the times that I have the best days are the days I don't care. If I am just screwing around, yep, gonna have a great day. The times I have hard or crappy days are the times when I stress out and get wrapped up in the outcome of the fights.

I have heard many talk about the fighter head space. I think it is different for each fighter, the head space that they get in. Some need to be relaxed and joking, others need to be serious. But one thing I am VERY CERTAIN OF is that negative comments will always make for a bad head space. I say this because of a comment I heard tonight.

I ask a friend if he was going to fight in an upcoming tourney. His comment was that he didn't deserve to be there. I called him on his choice of words. what he meant was there were certain items he was missing from his kit and would not be able to compete in the tourney format. But that is not what he said. I don't think he was intentionally being negative, at least not consciously but that type of wording and phrasing has a way of eating at people.

We play a game. It should be fun. Making comments like that can impact the future. I guess what I am saying is that this is fun, so we should have fun and not be down on ourselves for not winning every fight.

anyway. I hurt and got schooled tonight. And I had a blast.

NRWC, kinda

2012-07-02T15:46:54Z

Had a good weekend. NRWC is a great event and I have always had a great time. I am a little sad that I will not be involved at same the level anymore. I enjoyed the running of that event. It is nice to see all my friends enjoying themselves and having a good time. Jen has always been an awesome Autocrat for that event and I have really like running it with her.

There are aspects of the past week that have flipped my life even more. I was already tumbling, spinning, flailing, looking for a direction in a storm. So many positive emotional experiences came out of this weekend they are threatening to overshadow the pain and hurt and darkness of the past month.

The newness and elation of a forming relationship is making me smile, it is distracting, and I find myself wrapping the feelings around me like a blanket to keep me warm. Kinda sappy, I know. Shut up. I was not glowing, I was not skipping.

There were strives toward something that Jen and I made. Don't know what, but it felt positive and useful, not distructive. So, that is making me hopeful, though not entirely happy. Continued work is still exhausting, but worth it.

Also, long car rides when you are tired with a friend who has a great sense of humor can be great for the soul, though I may have trouble eating certain cheeses for a while.

EDIT: It always surprises me to find out people are protective of me. I never think of myself as someone who need protection, figuring that I am strong enough to deal with the consequences of my actions and life. I find it surprising, enlightening, and makes me happy and feel a bit safer during this turmoil.

Walking

2012-06-27T04:03:10Z

I find myself walking a new path, one that I did not intend to be on. One that requires more work than what I had packed for. But, I am walking it, striving forward, making progress. This path, while not the easiest of choices, is the one I choose. Many look at me and say they could never, but who knows what one is capable of until one tries. I know myself. I am self aware. Yet, I am surprised that I am staying true to this path.

I will admit, I did stumble at first and took an easier path. I was weak at the start but my resolve got the better of me, made me better and I got back on this path.

This is not an easy path, but it is the one I choose.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Fighting depression

2012-06-26T12:24:51Z

Something I have frequently told people, especially Jen was that I never understood middle class depression. Prehaps that was the wrong way to phrase it. It is not that I don't understand that people get depressed. It is not that I don't understand that depression happens. What I don't get is why people don't have the willpower to fight it.

I am depressed. Have been since I was a teenager. Deal with it every day. And I fight it. I don't let it get a foothold and drag me down, at least not very often. I am a very strong willed person. I don't like being depressed and I have learned how to fight and overcome it, much like my social anxiety. That is what I don't understand. I don't how people can let something so negative effect and control their lives and not chose to fight against it through either willpower or through outside help. I don't get why people would want to be that way.

Right now, in my current state, my willpower is taxed. I am almost out of the strength needed to keep my depression at bay. So, I seek outside help and distractions. Currently, I am using the resourses available to me, my support network, my friends. Soon, I will be going to therapy, getting outside help there. For now, I am using the strength of others to keep me afloat, headed forward. They are a needed crutch, though I am not thrilled with the idea. I don't like having to take as much as I have been and not give anything in return. Seems selfish, but right now it is what I need.

On a completely seperate note, I had a REALLY FUN conversation with someone via e-mail last night that left me kinda wound up. :) Yeah, that was good. Necks and backs and all.

Nice break

2012-06-25T13:24:26Z

This weekend was good. Really good. Positive strides forward, in fact. There were some tough talks, but mustly it was just hanging out and having fun. It was ... nice. "Nice" is a good word.

Moving forward, I need to start getting settled in to this life here. I am kinda flailing around. Need to find a direction.

The why for me

2012-06-23T01:29:09Z

Why are you going? That has been asked of me many times this week. I was having trouble coming up with a solid answer, until today. The answer is, "Dammit, I am a fighter. I am strong. I will not give up. I am a fighter." Take that however you want. I know what it means to me.

Scrap

2012-06-22T19:14:45Z

I hate my broken heart. I hate how much it aches and yearns. While I work to stay positive and hopeful, the future it sees is bleak and lonely. I show it that all is not lost, there are good things and happy times ahead, and all it shows me grey, barren landscapes.

One of the places I get caught is the “Why.” Why did this happen? It wasn’t supposed to work out this way. This wasn’t what we agreed upon or what I was promised. I don’t know. I am left wondering. I did nothing wrong. I keep looking for the fault on my end and cannot find it. That hurts the most. That I did everything I was asked of, and it wasn’t the right thing to do.

I has the sad right now.

Fronting

2012-06-22T13:30:26Z

Right now, I am fronting. I am putting up the emotional front of strength and positive attitudes. I am doing this because I am not comfortable with letting the other emotions of pain and loss and uncertainty be at the forefront. Those cause too much damn stress and pain to those around me and myself and don't help at all. Not saying that they don't come out and I need to lean on people, just saying that I am not wollowing in the turmoil and negativity.

I don't understand people who live and thrive off their depression. I have seen people in my life, be they close or just aquaintences who wrap themselves in their depression, feed off it, and drag those who love them and care about them into it. That attitude bothers me. There are many ways to get help, many things to be done to better ones life, be they small or extreme. Wrapping yourself into a depressive state, over and over again and living there because that is comfortable for you seems like a poor choice and you become a selfish for the pain you cause others.

Good. Better. Strong. I am not faking, I am fighting.

DBaD

2012-06-22T03:56:26Z

Something, something, don't be a dick.
I might be trying too hard, but if I don't keep at it, I end up slipping.
Also, flirting is fun. Flirting with boys or girls, doesn't matter. Still fun!

Fight or Flight

2012-06-21T02:59:48Z

Instincts. We all have them. One of the instincts we all have is the "Fight or Flight" instinct. When something scares us, we respond one of 2 ways. We run from it or we turn and face it. I know what I do. I fight. I don't like being scared. I don't like being hurt. I don't like being overpowered or intimidated. So, I don't run from what scares me. I face it. It doesn't mean I lash out and attack, but I confront the problem and face it. I fight for what I want.

I am saying this because I have always wondered that about myself. I have never really been in a fight. SCA combat does not count because there are rules and honor system and all the other stuff that goes with it. It is controlled violence. But an actual fight? Not so much. So, I have always wondered. Recently, I have stopped wondering. I don't run from hard times. I don't get scared and hide. No matter how hard it gets, I push to the front and take the beating and keep on. I am a fighter.

On to another thing. I called myself selfish tonight. Pretty much I was saying that I am selfish because I want to be happy. The person I said this to laughed. She laughed. She told me that there were many words that she could use to describe me, but selfish was not one of them. that made me feel pretty good about myself. And then I just suddenly broke down and cried from all the pain I am feeling. Yay, emotions.

So, that is the state of things tonight. I think it is time for sleep. 5:30 comes awfully early when you are still on the internet at 11:00pm.

Remodel

2012-06-20T03:49:59Z

Remodeling is hard. Be it remodeling your house or your life, it is hard work.
One of the things that I have found funny is when people say they are scared of me, or I have a hot head. I don't think of myself that way. At all. I was in one fight when I was in high school. One. I have never really been aggressive. I am the type of person who talks his way out of conflicts. I am not a brawler. the reason i get the "You are Scary" or "You have a hot head" is because I frequently don't take people's shit. I call them on it. It isn't physical violence that people are scared of, it is the aggression I display when not taking people's shit. The problem is, when I am distracted and unfocused, if that aggression comes up it can hurt or scare the people I love. This happens so rarely, I am never on guard for it.
Right now, I am working on remodeling the way I think and the way I act. I am remodeling my process of dealing with everything. Be it friends, lovers, acquaintances, family, I am remodeling my interactions. What is safer for me, what is respectful for them. Some people are going to tell me I am full of shit, that this is just a manipulative game I am playing to get the outcome I want. You know what, they are right. I am manipulating me to become more like the person i want to be.
I am really good at taking responsibility for my actions. If I fuck up, I will raise my hand and say, "Yep, that was me. I fucked up." I am not going to be changing that part of me. I refuse to be timid, that doesn't work. No, I am not going to change the part of me that is truthful, but I might change how I do it. What I am looking at changing is my aggression. refining it, making it less self serving. there is no need to always say, "I told you so." or "I was right."Maybe a helpful suggestions instead of the slap in the face...time will tell.

Anyway, that is enough of these late night ramblings for tonight.

Reaching out

2012-06-19T02:43:08Z

Reaching out is hard. Asking for help is difficult. Saying you are sorry, also hard. Unless you don't mean it. Then it is easy. But right now, every apology I make, every time I reach out, I mean it. I have to. Otherwise, it doesn't work. It is tricking me to let myself become complacent and unhealthy. So, every apology I make, every time I reach out, every "step forward" has to be sincere.

Each day has become less chaotic. I feel the emotional turmoil ebbing. It isn't going away. Far from it. But it is becoming less harsh, less raw. It makes it easier for me to maintain a positive push forward, running over the depression, self loathing, and self destructive anger that ruled me at the beginning of last week. Needless to say, or maybe I d need to say it, i am fucking exhausted. Every fucking second, I am working on this shit, not letting the negative overpower me.

So, yeah, i reached out to a couple people. One of them called me on it and said that they felt like it was "goal-oriented diplomacy". My response was pretty much, "YES! Of course it is." I have a goal in mind that doesn't involve me wearing an orange jumpsuit with numbers stenciled across the fucking chest and I want you to be aware that I am not going to fucking do something psycho. I found the phrasing a bit humorous. One thing I have tried time and again to teach my kid is that every action every human does is selfish. All of them. No matter what. I want to stay part of Jen's life and I don't want strife between me and the people she is around, so yeah, I fucking reached out to them. It is a means to an ends. If I do this, it means the thing I want to accomplish is easier. Does that make me less sincere? Fuck no! In fact, I am more sincere because I actually have something riding on the outcome. People become friends because they have similar interests or similar goals. Some of us are just more blatant than others about our goals and desires.

Anyway, enough rambling.
I think I am going to get some sleep. Gym comes early tomorrow.

Thoughts on the upcoming weekend

2012-06-18T18:21:11Z

I am nervous, excited, reserved, and conflicted about the upcoming weekend.

Going down to where Jen is living is going to put her in an interesting position. This is her space and I may be invading it. I hope not. I hope she welcomes me as a guest, but who knows. Also, I have recently said and done things that have hurt our relationship and I don’t know how raw those scars are. I don’t want my presence to reopen those wounds and make this a damaging visit instead of a healthy one. This makes me nervous.

I am excited to see Jen and go on a date. I have been missing her and am excited to see her and spend some time just hanging out, not trying to get physical work accomplished. I know she is happier there then she has been in a while, so I am excited to see this.

I feel that there has been many times where I have put in work and went out of the way for Jen with little regard to what would make me happy or what would be healthy for us. I feel that I have let myself be walked on and pushed around, which is odd because I never let anyone else do that to me. So, I feel reserved about this visit that I might let myself do that.

I am conflicted. I want to make this work, I really do but I am still hurt. So, I am conflicted. So, each day I will examine the thought of this trip and weigh the benefits and possible negatives and as the day gets closer, determine if this is healthy or not.

What sleep gets you

2012-06-18T14:21:45Z

Man, I did not want to get up this morning. Slept pretty solidly through the night. Woke up on the positive side of things again. This is good. Maintaning a positive emotional state keeps me from doing stupid shit.

I am looking forward to my date night this weekend. I am hoping things are not too awkward with us. It is going to be emotional for me. I need them to know that I am not going to be aggresive or threatening. I need to prove that is not who I am. I don't need to prove it to myself because I already know I am not, but I need to prove to the people I have made nervous that I am not that way. It is going to take work and I cannot force it. That is one of the big problems I have been having recently. I keep trying to force outcomes instead of working toward outcomes. It is silly.

Friend in a bottle

2012-06-18T03:38:53Z

Alcohol. Alcohol numbs what I am feeling. Alcohol makes things easier, clearer. Or so it seems. It doesn't really do that. Alcohol is just a tool used as an escape from dealing. I sometimes use alcohol to escape. Most people I know do. But letting it become a crutch is too damn tempting for some. It makes living day to day easier. I am not one of those people. While I drink, I hardly ever drink to escape. I drink to loosen up, have an entertaining time, but not to escape. Well, sometimes I do. But it doesn't control me nor do I need it every day to function. So, yeah, a little late night rambling on alcohol, my friend in a bottle.

P.S. Still positive and hopeful.

Today's emotion - Hope

2012-06-17T13:10:46Z

In and out of consciousness throughout the night, my emotion were in turmoil as they have been all week. This morning, the sun is shining and I feel hope as the strongest emotion. I have hope for the future. I still feel a bit lost, unguided, unsure of the paths I am going to travel but I feel hope. Hope that I will be well and strong. I feel hope that I am going to be in control of me and my emotions. I have plans to work on my pain and anger. I have goals. And I have plans to stay connected with Jen. I have to work on being a positive part of Jen's life. I have to work on staying positive during this unsure part of my life. While this wasn't the plan, this wasn't how everything was supposed to play out, kicking and screaming and crying and acting like a dick is never going to help. It is just going to make it tough.

Had a good time last night with Nick and Larisa. Went to Legal Seafood and ate too damn much. Joked and laughed and made fun of each other. It was comforting and filled me with a sense of balance. I enjoyed myself. It was a good time.

So, I am hanging out in safe spaces, trying to stay out of my head too much and when I get stuck there, I work on directing myself to positive energy and thoughts. While Jen and I are going to work on us, redefining our relationship, I am working on getting myself back. I am taking steps to control the negative and redirect the energy to constructive uses. I am hopeful.

I love life. I love my friends. I love Jen. I love Nate. I don't want to hurt these people or this life. I will be strong enough to prevent that and as the emotional turmoil subsides, I will remove and change the negative aspects that threaten me into something myself and my positive, happy, snarky, witty self that doesn't hurt people just because he can. I really didn't like that I did that. And I have to keep writing about it just to remind me to be on guard so I don't do it again. I destroys and overpowers the hope that I am feeling. I want the hope, not the anger.

Anyway, I get to see Jen again next weekend. I am looking forward to it. I know she is going to be guarded, afraid of me becoming that ass who can cut with a statement. It is understandable that she is going to feel that way. it is up to me to hand her the faith that she needs to see I am not going to be that way.

Yep.

Happy Father's Day.

Olive Branches

2012-06-16T18:10:53Z

I am trying to bandaid some of the mistakes I made on Tuesday and Wednesday. I lost control of myself, intensionally because I thought it would make me feel better. It didn't. So I am trying to fix some of the damage, apologizing to people. I am fortunate that it was such a brief period and I was surrounded by safe folks, though the couple times I wasn't I made some huge mistakes.

I have extended an "olive branch" to one individual who i thought I really didn't care about what they thought of me. I was wrong to think that. This person has become a part of Jen's life and to help her grow and become who she is looking for, I cannot be callous toward them. It would not help her out if the two of us were at odds or if one of us felt intimidated by the other. Jen would suffer and that would tear me apart.

I regret losing her place in my life, but I am hopeful that a new place can be found for her. And I am hopeful she will continue to have a place for me in her life and support network. It would not serve her well to lose support from the people who have been her friends and lovers. I think it would not accomplish what her stated goals are, so i will continue to be supportive, though on my terms.

Now you can...

2012-06-15T17:11:22Z

Recently, I have been hearing a lot of, "Well, now is a good time to work on yourself." or "Well, figure out what you want." You, you, you. I know what I want. I know what I had was what I wanted. A strong, loving marriage where we care about each other and damn the rest of it. That was the agreement. That IS what I wanted. That is what made me say "Damn the rest of it."

I have always liked who I am, that I don't lay down and take shit from people. I have always liked my strength and level headed attitude. I like being the straight forward, no bullshit, tell it how it is because that is what needs to be heard, happy, cheerful individual I am. I don't want to change that. I don't like that self-hate has snuck in on me recently. I let it grab ahold of me, ever so briefly and it caused some damage that I really do regret. So, I am not going to change that way. Not what I want.

I have always been happy being a firm yet strong and supportive father. I alway viewed myself that way and was told by many around me that I was. I was always happy being a loving, caring husband. That is what makes me happy. I have always been happy being a good friend who is there when people need me. These things make me happy.

I like being happy. Hope I haven't let that go by. I don't think I have. I think I damaged some of the faith that was given, some of the trust. I think it can be rebuilt but I need to step up and do my part. At the same time, it is not a oneway street and the trust that I have extended in the past that has been stepped on needs work too.

Anyway, just another stream of consciousness that I am not letting go by.