It's seriously been a very long time since I've updated LJ. Guess I really have fallen away from it and keep it for memories and reminders, old friends and communities that are still connected to it.
It's been an interesting time and looking back at old journal entries, it's easy to see how unhappy I was and how much I was forcing myself to be something I wasn't. My life in Utah wasn't healthy. The individual people were fine and the environment and my university life--but when it came to a group setting, I failed miserably and tried so very hard to pretend that I wasn't falling down.
Life isn't complete sunshine and sparkles, but I'm freaking done apologizing for being me. For being withdrawn, for liking my simple pleasures and not liking others. For being clumsy and silly, for wanting to rather read and cuddle my cat than hang out with people. Now, I am quite aware that this wasn't the case before; that I made the problems in my head, but it was so hard to see that before. There were times when my comments or opinions were shut down and well-- it just wasn't a healthy time at all.
Right now I'm about to get laid off with my job. I'm the last one in my particular position in this state (the rest are in Maine) and well, there really isn't a reason to keep me here. So in two weeks time my job is toast. Right before the holiday season, I need to scramble for a new job and all the applications are not yielding any sort of hope.
Still, with all this--I'm still happier than I was before. I'm more at ease with me and the world around me and I can still hope through the worry.
--
In other commentary of the world...
It makes me so thrilled to see actors portraying a positive image to the media. Where they are calling out the media BS about body image and personality and expectations. That it's okay to be odd, to eat what you wish and that 'this and that isn't me, THIS is me' and it's SO heartening to see that these people that are genuine role models to children today showing them that the people they are is okay. That they don't have to starve themselves to make someone else happy. That they don't have to follow the gossip and the clothes and the image that has been so prevalent. It's not perfect yet--but the fact that there are actors and musicians and writers out there that aren't afraid to speak their mind gives me so much hope for the world.
It's been an interesting time and looking back at old journal entries, it's easy to see how unhappy I was and how much I was forcing myself to be something I wasn't. My life in Utah wasn't healthy. The individual people were fine and the environment and my university life--but when it came to a group setting, I failed miserably and tried so very hard to pretend that I wasn't falling down.
Life isn't complete sunshine and sparkles, but I'm freaking done apologizing for being me. For being withdrawn, for liking my simple pleasures and not liking others. For being clumsy and silly, for wanting to rather read and cuddle my cat than hang out with people. Now, I am quite aware that this wasn't the case before; that I made the problems in my head, but it was so hard to see that before. There were times when my comments or opinions were shut down and well-- it just wasn't a healthy time at all.
Right now I'm about to get laid off with my job. I'm the last one in my particular position in this state (the rest are in Maine) and well, there really isn't a reason to keep me here. So in two weeks time my job is toast. Right before the holiday season, I need to scramble for a new job and all the applications are not yielding any sort of hope.
Still, with all this--I'm still happier than I was before. I'm more at ease with me and the world around me and I can still hope through the worry.
--
In other commentary of the world...
It makes me so thrilled to see actors portraying a positive image to the media. Where they are calling out the media BS about body image and personality and expectations. That it's okay to be odd, to eat what you wish and that 'this and that isn't me, THIS is me' and it's SO heartening to see that these people that are genuine role models to children today showing them that the people they are is okay. That they don't have to starve themselves to make someone else happy. That they don't have to follow the gossip and the clothes and the image that has been so prevalent. It's not perfect yet--but the fact that there are actors and musicians and writers out there that aren't afraid to speak their mind gives me so much hope for the world.