Last week, shortly after learning that Dad would not be returning home, I was with one of my favorite couples sharing this latest life installment. She inquired as to if I had any idea what I was going to do next and I said, “honestly, no, not for certain.” I said, that on top of all of the things I was going to have to organize and do while still working more than ever, the thought of searching for an affordable place to live seemed way too extra. Then she replied, “so basically you’re a flight risk.” That statement simultaneously had me screeching the brakes of my brain and it made me laugh. It actually rendered me uncertain of the answer but laughingly I said, “perhaps.” I have been thinking about that ever since she said it.

First Things First: Dad

Just this past weekend it was put together where Dad would call his next home. While still in rehab facilities some time was gained for being able to deal with his needs and business. My sisters kicked into overdrive for phone calls, appointment setting all this transition entails and we by process of elimination had three places that we visited for a tour this weekend. It came to be that the best of the three we saw could work for Dad’s situation and we all had the same instincts about the place, which were positive. While no guarantee for down the road and a first tour is always highlighting why they are great when they may not end up being, we feel hopeful for the place.

These are crazy hard decisions with little time to indulge in, battling availability of rooms in your timeline and throw in the good ole insurance machinery, we feel the best decision was made so far as it goes. Dad moves tomorrow to another rehab facility before going to his new assisted living home and I know two more moves for him must be making him feel on shaky ground. He is weathering it well so far though, so far as we know. I pray Dad will find some ways to enjoy this place and not merely survive. The staff will be key to it all in my opinion and hopefully family and friends can visit him with some type of regularity to keep him grounded and not feeling isolated from his tribe. This morning while starting to gather some things to take to the next place for him and getting a general idea of the “stuff” to sort and organize, I ran across a piece of note pad paper with something Dad wrote. I don’t know when he wrote it but I suspect in the last couple of years due to what looks like writing since writing hasn’t been as easy and it really touched my heart. The essence of it was what he and my Step Mom built, their yours, mine and ours family and how that was what he would be leaving behind; a very special family. I was so happy to have stumbled upon it.

When we visited the assisted living home that will be the one he will reside at, I was encouraged by something the director mentioned. We were talking about where Dad is at in terms of enjoyments, sociability and that type of thing and we were explaining how Dad, who has been and still is, very social, just cannot get past feeling confused within a social setting as well as how his hearing gets real weird with multiple voices and that type of thing. He shared with me that he does not want to embarrass himself or others by seeming confused or by falling in front of others, being too slow, not able to use his hands well and that it feels safer to avoid that. Certainly understandable but still hard to watch someone retreat when you know they miss interaction. It was in that conversation that the director mentioned that for as hard as it is to see your loved one within an assisted living setting the truth seldom mentioned is that many times it turns into a very positive experience and draws some into engaging more because they are surrounded by people going through the same life experience and therefore embarrassment becomes less of a hold. Everyone has a walker, everyone has hearing difficulties, everyone can’t remember things, everyone has lost some muscle and motor skills and everyone has suffered great losses. I had never thought about how lonely it must feel to be the one amidst healthy, active people when you are so far from all of that. It was a point of view that really spoke to my, “I hate this for Dad” mantra that has been a low volume soundtrack during this shift. She made me see what most see as a negative as a potential positive and it gave me a little more lift in the hope department for his new upcoming living experience and I also realized yet another depth of what this might feel like for Dad and I am grateful she shared that.

Back To The Pivot List

For anyone following this blog since it’s early entries, (let’s hear it for four years) you know of the moving scenario of 2021, the year I folded up my 29 year old life in Tennessee and headed for Nebraska. That was quite the ordeal that spanned several months of selling items through Facebook Marketplace and having not one but two yard sales. I literally went through every item in my possession and everything got one of three color coded stickers. One for sell or giveaway, one for items to store and one for items to take; which in total had to fit in a Ford Escape with a German Shepherd. It was quite the downsizing as there was a garage full of catering items to boot. At that time there was no plan to live in Nebraska full time but more a place to be able to be closer than the usual 800 miles away from family, a place to side hustle some money for part of the year and then to live on the road in the van I purchased after getting to Nebraska. But, we all know the saying about plans, don’t we? I won’t go into all of the seasons of unfortunate events here as they can be visited in earlier blog entries but let’s just say, I am having some very familiar vibes on this move as I did from almost exactly five years ago from the time my move plan activated then from Tennessee to where I find myself.

I have moved or changed my living arrangements, (counting two stints of van life) seven times over the past 4.8 years. Considering I have been here with Dad for 18 months of that and a year with my things out of storage from Tennessee at my own address for one year prior to this place, it definitely speaks to what the first couple of years looked like; vagabonding, and it kept me on my toes. Now I am back to putting color coded stickers on my to do/to buy list. Now it’s my stuff, Dad’s stuff, what to sell, what to store and what to take that fits in a Toyota Highlander, minus my precious German Shepherd. Life is funny. What’s also funny is I still have zero definitive plan for long range and there are many times I feel like I am being led not to have them which I actually can see the value in. Life is very very fluid so why get too attached to “long range”. I have enough to deal with short range and I do not subscribe to putting all of my soul into notions of earthly stability, security or sustainability. They seem a good idea but they are eventually at some point, illusionary. I am sorry if that sounds like a down trodden point of view as it is not to me at all.

The Next Phase

So, what am I going to do? About what I did five years ago would be the answer. This time the storage unit will be closer although I have no idea if its contents will move across town or cross country at some point. I have accumulated a few more things since setting up a home in Lincoln which means more selling or more storage. I will go and retrieve an office space from where I just departed so that I have a “my space” with internet so that I can keep writing and recording and have a spot for meetings while surrounded by some of my art and plants to keep me grounded in the work flow. My precious brother is letting me dock my van at his place; again, the place I started from five years ago this July but instead of taking over his spare room I will snug into my van as my bedroom. His generosity gives me a place to cook from with the bonus of having dinner company sometimes as he and I will enjoy the laughs we bring to the party no matter. I just don’t feel connected to finding a place and committing to a lease. It feels rushed and forced as an option so I think hanging without anchors is what is next. Sleeping in the van keeps the spirit of adventure near and while the weather is good I just want to work as much as I can for any future pivot that undoubtedly will arise. So life is feeling a little full circle again. It is amazing that there are now people here that I would miss too if I didn’t live here. It seems no matter where I am there are people to miss but that’s part of why I call myself the richest woman I know.

Flight Risk?

As I am writing this today it becomes real clear that I am indeed a flight risk. However at this time there is no flight plans. I still have the fantasy of spending a considerable amount of time perhaps in Europe writing and jumping trains to different places. I want that gap year but who knows. If not overseas than road life for awhile as I did not come close to exhausting that notion but did get a taste of it to know it was edgy, interesting, peaceful and made me feel very connected to things outside the boxes. I had to be amused too when I consider this crazy talk of flights at an age where the final flight becomes more and more likely and from that perspective we are all flight risks aren’t we?

So with all that is going on right in my own little world not to mention we are most likely in the war version of two weeks to flatten a curve, gas prices and everything else will continue to climb and who can even wager at what is next in these days of meltdowns. So from where I am sitting, my simplified, ready to go but loving to stay life right now seems to be a sweet spot.

Ready for the next assignment and season. The book is still being written. Stay tuned….

L