Lauand's Journal

PIC, PIC, PIC!! (Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles)

lauand — Sun, 27 Aug 2023 16:14:29 GMT

Okay, it's that time of the year again. So here's my entry for this year's Kurofai Olympics. The theme this edition was the Tarot (immensely fascinating topic for me) and my prompt was "The Hanged Man". So, here it is (with an ass-long explanation, although I actually tried not to ramble too much).

Okay, first the pic, then the first batch of explanations, then the reversed pic and the close-ups.

I could spend hours talking about this, but the abridged version is that "The Hanged Man" can mean sacrifice, passivity/withholding action, the inability to help oneself through independent action, acceptance... and in reverse, it can suggest that your sacrifice is actually useless and the card can be seen as a nudge in the opposite direction of self-denial. The Wikipedia also mentions that there's a relation to treason because traitors used to be hanged that way, upside down. All of this screamed "Fai" to me.

Fai is a deeply fascinating character because he's not a typical... anything. A hero, a villain, a victim, a badass mofo... he's all of that and none of it. He claims he wants to be taken away somewhere but he's shockingly willful at times. He both flees from and runs towards emotional pain and charges into battle all the time even if it's obvious he hates hurting people. So I wanted to reflect all of this in an ambiguous representation of the card. That means that the upright position of the card is actually the reverse one because you never know what's going on with Fai. So he could be hanging from the roots of the tree or hanging from the branches. The truth is that his vampire pose is a farce, it's just the strings of the pupeteer pulling him down/up towards the ground where Fei Wong Reed's hands are hidden. All of this while Ginryuu (symbolizing Kurogane), with the help of the cherry flowers (symbolizing Sakura) are holding to him for dear life and keeping him close to the branches of the tree, the safe place, not letting go. I wanted to also include Syaoran as a wolf hidden in the tree, unfortunately trapped and closer to FeiWong Reed than he would like.

And then there's the reversed version (of the reversed version):

Where the meanings can be a bit clearer.

And, well, if only because it's taken me ages to do this and I still haven't been able to convey the shine of the metallic inks (that's tragic, but it's very hard to take good pics of that because the angle needs to be too steep for the image to still be in focus in its entirety and then one has to correct the perspective and it's hell) here's a couple or close-ups. Also, I spent unnumbered hours with this and I want my efforts to be appreciated, dammit.

Other technical difficulties include the size being too small not to blotch the details with the ink and pastels. I swear Fai's hair was fluffy and Ginryuu had a face in pencil, but even with my finest brush I couldn't mantain that because metallic inks are thick and flowing strokes are impossible when they are measured in millimiters.

(If the pics are actually too big and it destroys the layout, please, do let me know.)

Infinity aesthetics are the best.

Dragons are rather flexible in this universe.

And that's it. Hope you like it!

PIC, PIC, PIC!!! (Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles)

lauand — Mon, 12 Sep 2022 15:10:28 GMT

My second entry to this year's KuroFai Olympics.

This pic and the next one are actually the same under different light conditions. Both pastel and metallic watercolour change with the angle of the light and it’s tricky to get a good photo. So, in the first pic, there's some blur and slightly deformed proportions (omg, Kurogane, I'm sorry, I really am) (also, those were not supposed to be vampire claws, I'm sorry again, Fai), and in the second one, the gold is nearly invisible, so the background loses interest and I just cropped it.

Also, I always destroy with the shading the expression I so carefully draw with the first pencil, so I included the pencil sketch, too.

And that's it.

PIC, PIC, PIC!!! (Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles)

lauand — Mon, 05 Sep 2022 16:15:13 GMT

To my utter surprise, I've just double checked and apparently I haven't posted here what I've been drawing for the KuroFai Olympics these past three years (that is, KuroganexFai pairing for CLAMP's Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle manga). And this is supposed to be my central archive for both fanfiction and fanart, but there are tons of things that aren't here, so let's try to remedy that. It's not as if I had a literally overwhelming (that's not difficult, even breathing overwhelms me) shit ton of adulting to do, ha, ha (that should sound slightly deranged).

In any case, here's my first entry for this year's fest.

Okay, a bit of explanation:

I have quite the literal mind and I pretty much interpreted the prompt exactly as it was phrased. So Kurogane is supposed to be Hachiman, the Japanese god of war who is, coincidentally, also related to the element of water (pretty much like Kurogane and his kudan) and who is, also coincidentally, protector of children. The Tomoe (this Japanese symbol of commas swirling-- and leaving a very interesting negative space in their midst-- that I placed as a mon on his belt) is also especially related to Hachiman and can be seen in his temples, the same way it could be seen in the den-den-daiko Kurogane's father was holding for his son in the manga. I tried to include all these elements in the design of Kurogane's outfit, and I also added the butterfly because of Yuuko, since he's, after all, supposed to be his pawn in canon. The animal associated to Hachiman is actually the dove, but the pic was already pretty crowded and I couldn't include that without sacrifying clarity (but I swear that I did try).

Okay, crossposting manually, which is a pain, but that's life now

lauand — Sun, 31 Jul 2022 17:24:09 GMT

Usually I think about things a lot and need a lot of time to reach a conclusion and even more time to act on it, but well, life has been tough of late and I don't know what will happen in September so I've decided to say "fuck it" to all the very important things (according to the world) that I
should be doing and say "let's do this instead" to all the very important things (according to me) that I also should be doing. As you can guess, I'm not going any of them, no matter the category. But life is short and, as I said, I don't know if I'll still have time to do anything other than surviving come September, so I'm going to try to do something now in August.

Long story short: anybody is interested in starting another "let's get shit done" challenge in August? Which is, well, yeah, tomorrow.

For people not knowing what the fuck I'm talking about, it's more or less explained here.

Ultrafast update

lauand — Fri, 19 Nov 2021 10:08:53 GMT

Ok, I'm alive.
I came back to Spain.
I'm working as an art teacher now.
I have no life because I lack the time to acquire one.
STRESS IS MY MASTER.
That's it for now. Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/136827.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

Arrrrghhhhh!!

lauand — Tue, 15 Jun 2021 09:32:49 GMT

Okay, to my f-list:

1 - I am alive.
2 - I need to put all my energy into studying right now.
3 - SO I CAN'T READ THE THINGS YOU ARE WRITING RIGHT NOW.
4 - But hopefully I will at some point?
5 - I'm, in any case, very happy you are writing and sharing your stuff.
6 - That's it.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/136566.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

So, more pics of hunks, mostly

lauand — Sat, 03 Apr 2021 19:24:50 GMT

Same situation as before. I didn't work on the illustration, I kept on drawing anatomy studies (and a portrait, for good measure) and I started mixing a bit the techniques, but not much because I'm not that adventurous. Just my old, trusted ink + charcoal + chalk stuff. And some watercolour with pastels, but it's the same thing, really.

I've been pretty productive these days, though, so I've also been working on my photography and, of course, I went to see the volcano. Twice. I might have planned a third visit this week. IT'S JUST TOO COOL, DAMMIT. I'll post pictures at some point.

But, until then: hunks.

Okay, this is a dancer jumping, but she's pretty fit, too.

A hunk posing casually.

A more natural one, and thus, my favourite.

A slim hunk doing who knows what in a weird setting.

The type of hunk that lives and sleeps in the gym.

A pin up, because I'm human.

And finally, a rendition of a portrait by Cameron, because she was the most exquisite portrait maker of her time, and maybe in History. Compelling, I couldn't resist.

And that's it for now.

What are you up to, these days?

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/136334.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

So, what I've been doing (pic heavy post)

lauand — Sat, 06 Feb 2021 00:09:24 GMT

Which is, of course, not what I should have been doing. But well, what's new. So, in a desperate attempt to defeat my anxiety about an illustration project, I've been making studies of... well, everything. Okay, not really, but still. I've been drawing skeletons and undead people and action scenes and then I realized that I don't really know how the human body is built, so I decided to study some anatomy. I had the skeleton covered already, so I dove into muscles. And models are kind of lifeless, so after drawing some and understanding from where to where each muscle head goes, I jumped to body builders. So, here are some for you.

And just because they were one of those action scenes that I also copied, there's some 58 for you. Kind of.

So, that's pretty much it.

And the thing is that, well, they are not bad drawings, but of course, OF COURSE, I'm still whining to myself that I can't draw, that this is just copying pictures and not art, that they aren't that perfect anyway. WHY AM I LIKE THIS. I mean, even I can see that I've improved and my strokes (although still hesitant) are much more defined and nice. WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO GET MY ASS INTO GEAR AND START WORKING ON THE FUCKING ILLUSTRATION??? I mean, if I want to become better at drawing without copying, maybe I should draw without copying more? Aaaaaarghhhh!

Sorry for complaining, I'll try to have a better attitude, but it's hard when anxiety is devouring your soul and making you second-guess and overthink everything all the time.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/135996.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

FIC - Saiyuki: Things to drink for

lauand — Sat, 26 Dec 2020 02:52:25 GMT

Ha, ha, remember when I asked for prompts to write drabbles? Well, it wouldn't be the first time I wrote a ficlet instead, but today I overdid it and it became a full-fledged fic. Who knows, maybe next year it will be a fucking epic.

So, yeah, this happened. Thank you to daegaer and 7veils for the prompt ("drinking with elves") and the support!

Edited: Now betaed thanks to the magnificent avierra! Hope you like it!

Title: Things to drink for
Author: Lauand
Beta: Avierra
Rating: I don't think it even reaches PG-13
Warnings: None
Pairing: 58
A/N: Written for the Christmas prompt “drinking with elves” provided by the lovely Daegaer and also approved by 7veils. Thanks, as always, to Avierra for her amazing beta-ing.

“You're preetteh...” Gojyo slurred.

“And you're drunk,” the elf replied. “Go home, Gojyo.”

Gojyo frowned. He didn't remember giving the elf his name. But, well, they were magical creatures, so Gojyo shrugged and brought the glass back to his lips.

“You're also preetteh,” he said when he was done drinking. He wouldn't want to offend the other elves. They were, as already stated, magical creatures. “You too. And you.”

The elves were looking at him weird, but Gojyo didn't mind. He was more than used to people looking at him weird.

“Cheers,” he said, lifting his glass once again.

“Shit, so glad you've arrived, Mr. Cho, it's fucking Christmas Eve, you know, and I've got to close the bar, my kids are going to murder me if I don't get home soon, but he's been hissing at me every time I try to suggest he leaves and I've never seen him fucking hissing before; you know, normal people don't do that... do normal people do that? Not that I see much of that here... normal people, I mean, for some reason there's always--”

“Thank you for calling me, Ms. Cheng,” Hakkai smiled; with time he had managed not to do it too hard. “I'll take it from here.”

He looked at the table were Gojyo was currently getting wasted. He seemed to be immersed in a deeply fascinating conversation with the little Christmas decoration that Cheng Shu Fang had put up this year.

Hakkai sighed.

“You... you are the preetteeest of all!” Gojyo was sure now.

“Why, thank you, Gojyo.”

Wait.

“Wait,” Gojyo said.

He squinted.

“You sound like Hakkai,” he asserted. “You're not an elf.”

“I'm afraid I'm not.”

“Crap, you're Hakkai.”

“Let's go home.”

Gojyo curved his body around his glass to protect it (not that Hakkai had tried to take it from him or even looked at it, but you could never trust a Hakkai: they were cunning). He then proceeded to hiss.

“Please, stop that,” Hakkai said.

Gojyo hissed again.

Hakkai flicked Gojyo's nose.

“Ouch!” he protested.

To be fair, Gojyo had to admit that Hakkai hadn't tried to guiltrip him into behaving for the bar owner's sake or suggest he was making a nuisance of himself. Not even that he was being pathetic. He just stood there, looking at Gojyo with an unreadable face, exuding a patience so thick you could nearly touch it.

Gojyo looked back at him with a hurt expression. He always seemed heartbreakingly vulnerable when he did that, much more than anyone else Hakkai had ever met, little kids included. It nearly made him regret flicking his nose, only, Hakkai knew that wasn't what had put that look on Gojyo's face, or what had laid Gojyo bare before him. Causality and correlation. Gojyo didn't look one hairbreadth away from breaking because Hakkai had flicked his nose while he was getting shitfaced in a bar during Christmas Eve. Gojyo was getting shitfaced in a bar during Christmas Eve because Hakkai had pushed him one heairbreath away from breaking.

“Please,” Hakkai pleaded with more tenderness than he was usually able to display, let alone feel. “Gojyo.”

Hakkai reached out, offering his hand to help him stand up.

Gojyo pouted and got up without accepting the help.

Smiling (maybe too hard this time, but he couldn't give a damn right now, it wasn't as if Gojyo didn't know him already), Hakkai refrained from touching his drunk friend, not even when his wobbling threatened to defeat Gojyo's sense of balance once and for all.

“Merry Christmas, Ms. Cheng,” Hakkai greeted when they passed her by.

“Thank you, Mr. Cho,” she replied, her relief making it obvious she wasn't only thanking him for the well wishes.

Gojyo managed to stagger through the bar without falling on his face or bumping into anything (practice, Hakkai was sure) and only stumbled once a little bit when they reached the street.

The night was cold and dark. Hakkai liked it that way. No snow this year. A pity; it would have made the landscape beautiful.

“I wasn't asking anything of you,” Hakkai said before he was aware he wanted to, “it wasn't a demand. Just... information. How things are. How things have been for a long time. It doesn't have to change anything.”

“It changes fucking everything,” Gojyo grumbled.

Hakkai was too elegant to outright snort, but Gojyo could still hear the air going out faster from Hakkai's nose at that.

“Gojyo, how long have we been together?”

“We're not together,” Gojyo snapped. Then he mellowed: “not together-together, I mean. Just... together as in... you know, together. A together-not-together kind of together.”

“Please, don't think I don't appreciate your ability to pronounce a three syllable word while seriously inebriated, I am honestly impressed, but I think you can stop saying 'together' now,” Hakkai reassured him. “I already knew what you meant.”

Gojyo winced.

Only the sound of their footsteps on the gravel could be heard for a while.

“I've hurt you,” Gojyo mumbled, at last.

“No, it's just...”

“I'm sorry.”

“Gojyo...”

Hakkai didn't finish the sentence, but it still got Gojyo thinking. In spite of Hakkai's words, things had already changed. That's why they were one foot apart right now. Okay, that was Gojyo's fault, but still, it was because of that. His eyes went to Hakkai for a second. The man had his gaze fixed ahead of him, not looking back at Gojyo, his expression obscured by the night.

Gojyo looked back to the ground he was stepping on. It felt weird, keeping his distance. Of the two of them, it was actually Hakkai who shunned physical contact more often than not. Gojyo was always touching him, he had from the very start, when nobody else had dared to. Gojyo didn't really know how to walk home drunk without leaning on Hakkai anymore.

And well, Hakkai was at least a bit right. Things themselves hadn't changed, had they? Just Gojyo's attitude towards them. Things were still... what they were. It wasn't as if Gojyo hadn't known, as if Hakkai's feelings had caught him unawares. It wasn't... fuck, it wasn't as if he didn't feel the fucking same. And it wasn't as if Hakkai didn't know that, either. It was just that them being left unsaid made it possible to pretend they weren't there. It was that what Hakkai had changed. Not the facts or the way they both knew about them.

“Fuck it,” Gojyo said.

Without even checking how it would be received, he passed his arm around Hakkai's shoulder and leaned his drunk-ass weight on him, as he had done millions of times before.

Hakkai said nothing, but Gojyo still felt pressured to reply.

“'M scared, a'right?” he muttered.

Hakkai kept silent still. He just put his arm around Gojyo's waist to better support him.

“What if I change,” Gojyo continued, “what if I become dependant on you?”

Hakkai was good at listening, he was good at knowing what Gojyo didn't say.

“I won't leave, Gojyo.”

“You don't know that.”

Hakkai didn't protest that. No one would have been able to. And Hakkai could be a filthy liar when it suited him, but he would never be so cruel to Gojyo as to be untrue about this.

“You're a gambler,” he said instead, “make a bet.”

“It's only money when I lose at poker, you know.”

Hakkai didn't reply, but they were close enough to each other now for Gojyo to feel him nod.

“Also, shit, I don't want to be gay.”

Hakkai nodded again, but this time Gojyo could tell he was grinning.

“I'm serious, man.”

“You don't have to,” Hakkai said. “Be gay, I mean. It's not how sexual orientation works. You were probably bi from the start. Or maybe pan. Never acting on it doesn't change who you--”

“Yeah, yeah, got it, cut it out, teacher.”

They fell silent for a while after that. It was less cold, walking like this. Gojyo felt better, more himself instead of less with Hakkai's shoulders under his arm.

“Gojyo, I meant what I said before. It was just information. Nothing has changed, nothing has to change. I don't need anything from you. I'm okay with your 'together'.”

“Mm.”

Gojyo hated thinking. He hated thinking sober, which was why he drank, and he hated thinking drunk, which was why he drank more. He just hated it. But Hakkai always made him do things he hated, like the dishes or using a fucking ashtray. Or the coasters. Holy shit, the fucking coasters, what kind of sadist had invented the godforsaken, thrice damned, stupid, fucking coasters?

“I hate coasters,” Gojyo said, just because it was the truth.

Hakkai took the non-sequitur in stride because that's what he did. Take Gojyo's shit in stride.

“Yes, Gojyo.”

“But I fucking use them.”

“Yes, Gojyo.”

The asshole was smiling.

“You're smart,” Gojyo grumped, “make the fuckin' connection yourself.”

There was a small pause.

“Yes, Gojyo,” Hakkai's voice sounded a bit hoarse. Gojyo couldn't say if he was holding his laughter or his tears or what. Gojyo stopped walking. Not to make sure, just to get his point accross. If he was going to do this, he wanted to know for certain he wasn't going to blunder and fuck up too badly. So he halted. And Hakkai, linked to him as he was, halted with him.

Gojyo hated thinking, so he didn't; he just closed the inch that separated their heads and kissed delicately Hakkai's cheek. He then pulled apart.

Hakkai didn't react. Except he looked... darker?

“Are you blushing?” Gojyo said at the very least one octave higher in pitch than usual, “for a peck on the cheek? For fucking real?”

“I...” Hakkai looked at him like a deer in the headlights for a second. Then his expression changed. “Well, you're blushing, too.”

“I'm not! Or I wasn't before! It's your fault! Your embarrssment is embuhrressing and it embarses me!”

“Oh, so four syllables is the limit!” Hakkai declared with an inexplicable amount of joy.

Gojyo looked confused for a second.

“Whut?” he squeaked, before catching the drift and determining Hakkai was an asshole. “You're an asshole.”

Hakkai --the asshole-- was looking at him weird. But not like the elves, or Gojyo's mother, or the people who knew what his red hair and eyes meant. Weird in a Hakkai way. Intense-weird.

“Gojyo...” he said before moving to face him, disengaging his arms and letting his hands cup Gojyo's cheeks instead.

Gojyo gulped.

“Gojyo...” Hakkai repeated as he came closer and closer, his thumbs stroking Gojyo's face while his mouth came to rest barely an inch from Gojyo's. Gojyo could feel Hakkai's breath on his lips, soft, caressing him rhythmically, at a faster pace one would expect from a tempered man like Hakkai.

Here we go, Gojyo thought, anticipation tying knots in his stomach, this is it.

Then, little by little, Hakkai came closer still and Gojyo closed his eyes, trying to keep his heartbeat under control. He then felt Hakkai kissing the tip of his fucking nose. Gojyo's eyes snapped open.

“I'm sorry I flicked your nose, Gojyo,” Hakkai said before releasing him and starting walking again.

After a second, Gojyo's brain kickstarted again and he rushed after Hakkai.

“You're a fucking asshole,” he insisted before passing his arm again over Hakkai's shoulders. “Com'ere. Let's go home.”

Hakkai didn't say his typical 'yes, Gojyo', but Gojyo could hear it anyway in the way he put his arm again around Gojyo's waist.

They reached the house just before the first snow of the season started falling.

THE END

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/135736.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

Happy whatever, people! Also, prompts?

lauand — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 17:45:18 GMT

Happy holidays, everybody!

Also, prompt me and I'll write a drabble or something. Hopefully. We'll see. You know my fandoms, I think?

In any case, hugs to all.

WE'RE PAST THE SOLSTICE, GIVE ME THAT FUCKING DAYLIGHT ALREADY!!!

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/135625.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

More pics

lauand — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 18:58:01 GMT

I'm still making studies of swans and wolves so that I feel able to carry out this project of mythology I've been toying with since fucking 2018.

So, yeah, more ballpoint pen drawings.

I'm also still working in the animated short film, but it's going slowly and I can't post the pics publicly. So, I'm still drawing. And, I think, becoming better. Still in mostly realistic style, but I think I need to assume that it's pretty much what I do and that I'll never be able to create crazily fantastic proportions that magically still work.

Sometimes I get frustrated knowing that I'll never be able to master all the different and amazing styles there are out there, but I seem to forget that NEITHER CAN the genius artists I admire the most. They are just incredibly good at one or two. But I mix them all in my head and I think I should be able to be like all of them put together and, well, no, that's not how it works.

Still, I should work much more and I know it. I will try.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/135256.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

Okay, let's look at the bright side

lauand — Fri, 06 Nov 2020 23:53:21 GMT

I tend to complain a lot (I'm a ranter and a whiner at heart, it's what I do) about Iceland because I'm fed up with fake or manipulated news making it look like the fucking Paradise and it is most definitely not. There's corruption, inefficiency and rudeness like in every other place in the world. My general experience with Icelanders is definitely positive, but not everything is perfect here. Also, the weather sucks and the darkness in winter is soul-withering. But I must give credit where credit is due and Iceland has many, many good things, too.

So, today I learned that the Church here launched a campaign to attract kids to Sunday school WHERE JESUSCHRIST WAS DEPICTED WITH BOOBS DANCING UNDER A RAINBOW. I KID YOU NOT. Of course, not everybody is pleased. But I am. Here's the link: https://sputniknews.com/society/202009161080470520-iceland-church-shocks-public-with-big-breasted-rainbow-jesus-in-new-diversity-campaign/

Also, there is, IT EXISTS, a webpage where you go to ask if it's Friday already ("föstudagur" in Icelandic) and they tell you if it's Friday or not. Here's the link: http://erfostudagur.is/ (In case you were wondering, "já" means "yes" and "nei" means "no".)

And I've got a great recommendation from dr_zook to watch an Icelandic movie that sounds really, really promising.

So, yeah. Not everything is bad here.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/135068.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

Omfg. I'm alive. Also, a pic.

lauand — Tue, 13 Oct 2020 20:19:16 GMT

I HAVEN'T MADE A SINGLE POST SINCE FEBRUARY. OMG.

In a desperate attempt to get over my anxiety about an art project, today I decided to draw something unrelated. Just to remind myself that I'm not that terrible at it and I can do it, goddammit. Kind of. Sometimes. So, here, birds.

Edited to add THE PREQUEL:

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/134881.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

So, this happened again

lauand — Wed, 12 Feb 2020 15:45:08 GMT

On Sunday I was invited to a burlesque show. I actually liked it a lot, performers were having tons of fun expressing themselves with their bodies and mixing saucy with circus numbers; I find it highly contagious when people on stage are having fun. The audience was also extremely responsive, so the ambience was very nice and positive. Since I'm a very awkward person and I suffer when I'm in the middle of an event that, but nature, should be social (and I was alone, I had only gotten one free ticket), I decided to bring my stuff to draw some sketches. Unfortunately, I didn't want to bother other guests, so I took a seat in a very dark corner and I was unable to see the paper, so I couldn't really draw. But afterwards, this happened.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/134516.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

So...

lauand — Sat, 01 Feb 2020 00:05:57 GMT

...I've got like two thousand tons of things I should do and another two thousand that I don't particularly have to but I'd like to also do, so I'm considering holding another "let's get shit done" fest in March (because it's definitely too late for February, but I have high hopes in myself and my ability to do shit on my own this month, too). Would anybody be interested?

Also, I've kind of gotten a Tumblr account, which is like... man, you don't have the time to set it up, to post or to even browse other people's stuff, why did you think this was the right time? Well, I have no answer to that, I just did it on impulse. I'm "lauand-dw" there, because some fucker got my LJ/DW handle registered even if they are not posting anything. As I said, I can't afford to waste time on it right now, but if you are also on Tumblr, please, let me know the name of your accounts (and a hint about how to follow you) and, at some point in life, I'll do something about it.

And, well, that's it for now, I think.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/134199.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

PIC, PIC, PIC!!! (Saiyuki)

lauand — Mon, 27 Jan 2020 19:42:14 GMT

Okay. The thing is that I tried the other day to finally get around to do my Christmas Cards, something simple and printer-friendly, but one thing led to the other and I ended up with full fledged illustrations, kind of seasonal but also kind of melancholic and most definitely not printer-friendly, so I'm afraid I'll have to say my Christmas Cards are a bienal occurrence and not necessarily to happen in Christmas, because I don't think I have the time/energy/will to work on them right now.

So, let's say that I wish you all are having a great year? And here, have some fanart.

Gojyo having a smoke break from his bartender job during Christmas. Or something.

Hakkai in the ass of nowhere, either missing Gojyo or regretting his life choices, you decide. They are not mutually exclusive concepts, it could be both.

And, well, as always, I think the pencil was much better and expressive (if less spectacular), so here are the sketches:

And, well, that's pretty much it.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/133983.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

So, this happened

lauand — Sat, 25 Jan 2020 13:25:55 GMT

I've been drawing quite a lot lately. And getting very frustrated. When I do that, I go back to copying images thinking it will help me learn. And I'm not totally sure it really helps me to learn to do my own stuff, but it certainly helps me to learn to copy them better, XD!

So, since I'm very pleased with how this one turned out, here you are, the most original subject ever: a cat.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/133722.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

PIC, PIC, PIC!!! (Saiyuki) (Sorta)

lauand — Mon, 13 Jan 2020 19:33:04 GMT

I'm not very good at giving importance to birthdays, I'm always forgetting them and I never get offended when people forget mine. That doesn't mean I'm not glad you were all born, I am, but I'm just lousy at making it known. In spite of all that, talking with indelicateink the other day, she told me that she hadn't had a nice cupcake, just a cookie (and not a fantastic one at that) for her birthday AND I WON'T ABIDE BY IT. BIRTHDAY CAKES ARE A MUST, no matter how loose the definition of cake might be.

So, here you are, happy (belated) birthday, indelicateink !

(I wouldn't say it's outright NSFW, but it turned out kind of pin-up-ish and it's moderately big, so proceed at your own risk)

(I'm valiantly trying not to complain about everything that I think it's terrible about this picture because I know it's not elegant to drag your own work down when you first post it, but I'd like to admit that I'm moderately horrified at the result. It's been made with love, though, which I'm pretty sure counts.)

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/133395.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

Okay, all balances out?

lauand — Sat, 26 Oct 2019 17:31:24 GMT

I've been complaining lately that both drawing and, most especially, writing feels like pulling teeth. I have to fucking coax the words to come out, the fuckers. And I put a lot of effort into thinking. Before, the story was just floating around in my head and all I had to do was to take a pen and a notebook and write it down. But, let's face it, I'm happier with the results now. Today I revised an old story that I used to like and it was "THE ONSLAUGHT OF THE EPITHETS!!!". And even editing the shit out of it I still felt like it was immature fanfic. Which is not a particularly bad thing, fanfic is supposed to be gratifying from a fan's perspective, it's basically its purpose. But still, I'm older now and my needs have shifted. Now I want quality (incredibly relative thing, that, but let's just say "quality by my own standards").

So, you see, it takes much more effort to do anything, but I'm also far happier with the results. Not that I wasn't happy with the results back then, but now I'm kind of horrified at some of the shit I've written. So, it kind of balances out in the end?

(I still wish I could fucking enjoy the process as I did before, though, quality be damned.)

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/133375.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

So, still alive

lauand — Thu, 17 Oct 2019 22:37:04 GMT

Okay, in spite of my ever-raging existencial crisis, I've decided to form an alliance with indelicateink and work on a Saiyuki project. In my particular case, it's going to be this strange selkie/mirounga!AU crossover with Myths of Chtulhu (don't look at me, I don't understand either). And I'm slowly wading through and getting shit done so that, hopefully, I can start posting chapters in December. As always, it's a story told through snippets, because that's the only way I can write more than 5 pages of the same thing. And, well, one day I wasn't really in the mood to write, so I just drew instead, so here's a quick pic (don't expect wonders) to entice your appetite.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/132935.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

Some maintenance

lauand — Thu, 15 Aug 2019 17:19:06 GMT

Okay, I retagged all the posts with pics according to fandom (unfortunately, only on my DW, not on LJ, so I recommend trying your search on DW if you're looking for something specific). At some point I'll do that to the posts with fics and maybe to all the posts (I'm becoming ambitious in my old age, the sky is the limit!). Omg, so much utter shit I've drawn in the past... I understand now why some people will delete some old works. I'm just the kind of person who is against deletion by principle and principles are there to be respected and save me the trouble to make decisions, so there they will remain. But the temptation is strong *shivers* (because, hey, good news! Photobucket has decided to release the pics previously held hostage, they have just changed the broken links into huge, ugly watermarked versions of the original pics, but hey, that's still better than a broken link and an Internet devoid of images).

OKAY, ENOUGH PROCRASTINATING. LET'S DO SOME SHIT.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/132747.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

FIC (But from 2011, so not really exciting or anything) - 30 Days (WK)

lauand — Mon, 05 Aug 2019 16:19:21 GMT

This is most certainly not what I should be doing right now. But that has never stopped me before. Soooo, I've realized there's a lot of shit (I mean, fanshit) but I haven't posted here, in my personal DW/LJ account. And, well, I'm mostly okay with having all my fanworks scattered around the many archives and comms there are out there, but I sort of wanted to have them all be present and accounted for here, so I'm going to try to post them little by little. This one is the most thought-out plot I've ever written (and probably ever will), so I was actually offended when I realized I had neglected to post it here. But yeah, nothing you haven't read before. Probably.

Author: lauand
Beta: avierra
Recipient: nuraya
Title: 30 Days
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairing(s): Crawford/Schuldig, Nagi, Farfarello.
Summary: Schuldig fucks up. He has 30 days to fix it.
Warnings/Content: Canon events are mentioned but not explained, to have a certain knowledge or Kapitel would help understanding the timeline better.
Word Count: 32.500, more or less.
Author's Notes: I can't really start to thank avierra for all the help she has offered me with this. I want everyone to know that this fic wouldn't be here today if it weren't for her. Words fail me. I touched this last, any remaining mistake is my own. I also wanted to thank the mods, midnitemaraud_r and red_squared for their enormous patience with me, extending my deadline once and again and being as helpful as they could. And, of course, I wouldn't have ever tried to write a plot-driven story without nuraya's prompt. Sorry for the lengthy notes, I felt it necessary to thank all the people who have made this fic possible.

30 Days, part I
30 Days, part II

So, my anxiety problems, let me show you them... (also, what I've been doing lately)

lauand — Sat, 20 Jul 2019 18:43:10 GMT

Okay, I'm still alive in spite of my own psychosomatic attempts to sabotage my own health. My stomach has been hurting since April, the doctors can't find a cause aside from my abnormal levels of stress and nervousness and my body laughs at the medicines I'm taking for both the stomach and the nerves. My capacity to work myself up, dear friends, is stronger than anything in this world. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I could power an Asian capital city with my nervous energy alone.

So, yeah, in my attempt to earn a living, I've gotten head first into the freelance world. On the one hand, I'm still working on the storyboard. On the other hand, I've also taken a comission to illustrate a book about interior design. Fuck my life. I got into art to be able to draw gay elves, not fucking rooms. I'm always skipping the backgrounds, dammit. So, well, I've been researching and learning how the reflection in mirrors work this week. I'm not getting paid enough for all the hours I pour into all the projects I take.

And the thing is that, still, still, the fear to not reach my self-imposed standards of quality is holding me back like crazy. As we speak, I know perfectly well that I'm just making this post because I don't want to face the real illustration I have to make because I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it right, even with the research done. I'm terrible at interior design, I don't even decorate my own place. I hate straight lines and perspective. And this panic, it paralyzes me. So I get frustrated because I see the time passing by and no results. And the thing is that (I'm going to post some pictures here to illustrate my point), the thing is that ten, fifteen years ago I would have sold a kidney to be able to draw as well as I do now. But, somehow, I'm never enough for myself.

Here, for example:

This is both the storyboard (in the background) and the block I use to sketch and try out things before putting them on the definitive notebook I use for storyboarding (I'm old school, I enjoy working with the pencil. It's lovely whereas the computer is definitely not). Well, the thing is that this guy I drew is old-ish and looks prettly alive and not stiff and with a slightly angular perspective (from below). I'm not sure I've ever even believed myself to be able to draw this without a reference. But I am, I did it. So why am I still fretting and worrying and full of negative thoughts and fear and stuff? What's wrong with me?

Also, the rooms I've been drawing (this time with references, but still). I can copy a wolf without a problem, that's fucking easy. But to copy a room? ROOMS ARE HELL. All the perspective has to match and all the lines have to make sense and that. Is. Fucking. Difficult. Even with an image to copy from.

But hey, look at those. They are not half bad. I mean, they are not amazing, but the thing is that I didn't spend three hours on them or anything, they are pretty quick sketches. And, in spite of that, they are decent, dammit. SO WHY AM I STILL STALLING, WHY AM I SO UTTERLY TERRIFIED OF FACING THIS PROJECT (AND ALL THE OTHER PROJECTS, TOO)? I mean, I'm not Leonardo DaVinci, but I'm not that bad, either. I know that. But my subconscious is still trying to protect me from my own harsh judgement and all the negative feelings that come with it and it's trying to do that by STOPPING ME FROM WORKING. Also, I'm slow, it takes a lot of concentration and effort for me to draw anything. BUT PREVENTING ME FROM EVEN STARTING A PROJECT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT LEADING TO ME FINISHING IT ANYTIME SOON, BRAIN.

So, yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm also a contractor for Airbnb and take boring pictures of, again, fucking rooms (I hate architectural photography, always hated it. I hate anything that requires precision in making lines straight, I suck at making straight lines, no matter the medium). And I'm also fretting about it. A lot. So, basically, I live in a state of self-induced hysteria. I can tell you that my body is not happy about it.

And that's pretty much my less than fantastic update. Not feeling extremely positive today, sorry about it. AND I'M POSTING IT ON SATURDAY NIGHT, WHICH IS THE WORST TIME EVER TO POST ANYTHING ONLINE AND GET ANY KIND OF RESPONSE BECAUSE THAT'S JUST HOW I ROLL. Well, it's more related to the fact that it's today when I'm supposed to finally work on the definitive illustration and, as I said, this is my last desperate attempt at procrastinating.

Anyway. I'll try to play some very loud heavy metal music and get my ass into gear and see if that works. Sorry for the whining.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/132026.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

(Partial) Success?

lauand — Sat, 08 Jun 2019 01:34:19 GMT

I just wanted to thank you all for the (nice) ass-kicking. Today I managed to take one picture. It sounds like little, but in this particular case it's a lot because I'm the kind of photographer who prepares the pictures like crazy. So first I had to print some pics I needed (I had selected them and edited them in the previous days), then I decided that maybe I should also paint some instead of using the printed photographs, so I did just that. In the end I didn't use the painted pics but the photographs, but hey, I painted something. Then I took my cameras, the bottles, the pics and my bike and went to the fucking ass of Reykjavík with everything in time for the sunset. Okay, the ass of Reykjavík is just 10km away, but that's still some distance. Then I got caked in wet sand and froze while I was taking the pictures (I don't care about literally anything else when I'm at it, if I have to get wet and roll in the sand I just do it. Then I regret it, but it's always too late). Then I got back. It's 1am now because the sunset it's pretty late this time of the year, but I'm hopeful about the pics.

To be completely honest, it's not one of the things I had to do that will feed me and keep a roof over my head, but it's still something creative (the pic is for a submission to a very cool magazine). Tomorrow I'll do something to pay the bills, really.

And that's pretty much it. Well, I also studied Icelandic in the morning. Go me!

Thanks again!

(This doesn't mean that I'm suddenly a perfect machine of production, I'm really not, but hey, it's still better than yesterday and the day before.)

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/131660.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.

So, same old, same old, really.

lauand — Wed, 05 Jun 2019 20:00:41 GMT

I've just seen that in a previous post I wrote "conspiration" instead of "conspiracy". It sounds suspiciously like "constipation", but I swear I meant "conspiracy", really. But well, compared to the things I do to the Icelandic language when I try to communicate in it, this is truly nothing (sometimes I feel that I can't speak in any language anymore, I mangle them all, even my mother tongue. Especially my mother tongue).

I seem to be unable to get my ass into gear and start working. And, of course, I do have lots of things to do. That I'm not doing. Because I sabotage myself so that I don't do them. It's extremely tiring, this fighting myself for every single thing that has to be done. Every. Single. Thing. And I suspect it's my subconscious trying to protect me because it smells fear and interprets that fear is to be heeded, but nope, my dear subconscious, my anxiety issues are not fear, are NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT, NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME, LET ME WOOOOOOOOOOORK!!!!! Ehem. I mean. Yeah. Ehem.

And that's how I've ended up updating my DW/LJ, because there's a limit to the amount of food I can consume to avoid doing what I must and I already surpassed that limit about a half an hour ago.

Someone kick my ass, please. Tenderly but without mercy.

Also posted at https://lauand.dreamwidth.org/131582.html, if you'd rather read it there or want to enter a discussion with comments.