WELCOME

Hey, welcome to the first I Meant to Tell You newsletter! If you’re saying “I didn’t sign up for this” that is because you signed up for my old blog/newsletter, way back in 2019. Feel free to hit unsubscribe. Full stop.

RECOMMENDATIONS

I recommend watching this quick, but wildly informative, video from Lynae Vanee (@_lyneezy on IG). Lynae explains, clear as crystal, why Kim Kardashian’s “advice to women in business” is incorrect, oblivious, and harmful; she connects this obnoxious comment to every other problematic or violent thing Kim and her family does and how they profit off appropriating Black culture on SO MANY LEVELS!

Skincare combo I’m loving: A few spritzes of Mario Badescu Facial Spray + Cerave Hyaluronic Acid Serum to trap the wetness inside of your skin. I do it AM and a part of a longer PM regimen.

This 2014 article from The New Yorker, about a famous Pickpocketer, and Pickpocket culture, is fascinating.

Recently finished the audiobook of Warming the Stone Child by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. As far as I know, it is only available as an audiobook (it’s short, less than 3 hours) and that’s probably because Dr. Pinkola Estes “was raised immersed in the oral tradition of old mythos and stories, songs and chants, dances and ancient healing ways”. Her work blends that with Jungian psychology and more. She’s best known for The Women Who Run With Wolves, which if you've ever been called a hysterical/angry/nasty woman, etc - or just felt like you never fit in with your family - I strongly highly recommend The Women Who Run With Wolves, which is available in a physical book. Everything I’ve digested from Dr. Pinkola Estes has been incredibly healing for me - especially in terms of family trauma. I am slowly making my way through her work, so expect a lot more recommendations from her. Get an Audible membership!

This article from a month ago about adult friendships broke my heart wide open, specifically the author’s points that friendships aren’t meant to last forever, especially in modern times where we are so mobile. It’s a long article but they offer an audio format (55 minutes).

Possibly a sister essay to the one above (a much shorter sister), Jo Piazza wrote a piece for The Cut, about how Friendships Have Never Been Harder to Maintain. I really relate to how hard she works at her friendships - I am also the one who will call and text you, even if you’ve moved across the country, even if it’s been a few months. But this has also been a detriment to my building and cultivating friendships here in New York City.

The Perfect Work-From-Home shirt is technically a swimsuit cover-up, but for the last year, I’ve been using it as the perfect work-from-home shirt. It’s loose, long, and comfy, but the little collar shows enough “professionalism” on camera. I have 5 or 6, and I wear one almost every workday (I like the white and love beige). Sizing: Goes up to 3X. I have XL, XXL, and 3X and prefer XXL the best, but at 6 months, I noticed they shrunk a bit. If you’re going to put them in a dryer, they will shrink so maybe size up.

I gobbled up the entire first season of Normal Gossip in one day. It’s so perfect and you must listen.

RANTS

Last week, Intelligencer asked Why Isn’t Brittney Griner the Biggest Sports Story in the Country? Even though “for more than a month now, she has been in the custody of the Russian government.”

After a quick read, I don’t believe the article even attempts to offer a reason as to why we’re not hearing more about Griner’s detainment. Instead, the article serves more as Griner’s resume with a brief overview of the unfair pay WNBA athletes receives.

Admittedly, I have a tenuous grasp on the history of and geopolitical relations with Russia. Even so, I will offer a reason why this is not the biggest news story right now: America does not care about the lives of Black Queer Women.

I know this because America does not care about Black lives. Or Queer lives. Or women’s lives. I know this because America does not care about Black Women.

• Compared to white women, Black Women have higher rates of infant mortality, hypertension and are 3 times more likely to die in childbirth. Black Women are less likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer than white women, but 30% more likely to die from it.123

• When seeking medical services, Black people are more likely to have their symptoms dismissed, their pain undertreated, and are referred less frequently for specialty care.4 5

• Legislative attacks on Roe, are more likely to negatively impact Black Women’s access to safe and legal access to abortion.6

• In 2019, Black Women were paid 63% of what non-Hispanic white men were paid, compared to 83% of all women. When controlling for education, Black Women with advanced degrees earn 70 cents for every dollar a white man with an advanced degree.7 8

• Black female startup founders received just 0.34 percent of the total venture capital spent in the U.S., in the first 6 months of 2021.9

• Black Women, who are reported missing, are less likely to receive media coverage.10

• Black LGBT Women have less access to healthcare and are more likely to experience discrimination and stressful events.11

• As of November 2017, 84% of transgender murder victims were people of color and 80% were women.12

Could I add dozens more pages of depressing statistics that prove that Black Women are not cared about in America? Yes, easily. But my aim for providing these stats, and this newsletter in general, is not to depress or victimize. I don’t get to decide who is a victim.

Nor is my aim to generalize a group of people. Black Women, Black Queer Women are not monoliths. People who identify in these groups carry different levels of privilege, while simultaneously facing different oppression.

My aim in this newsletter is to provide context, in this case, statistical context, as evidence that America is systematically designed to oppress and devalue the lives of Black Women, Black Queer people, and Black Queer Women.

If you identify as Black, or Queer, or maybe even a woman, in America, you very likely already know everything I’ve just outlined. Whether or not you’ve previously come across these stats, this quantitative information is not news to you, because it probably lives inside of you - in ways that you can’t always describe, nor do you need to. Because at the end of the day, you know that American culture, society, and politics value your life and wellbeing less than that of a white man.

Without any understanding of America’s current or past geopolitical relations with Russia, why this invasion of Ukraine is happening, or the current Secretary of State - I feel confident in saying that the reason why Brittney Griner’s month-long detainment in Russia (with no end in sight), is not the biggest news story in the US right now is that America does not value the lives of Black Queer Women.

Brittney Griner’s wellbeing and fate is unknown.

Support Black Women

One way to support Black Women is to make a donation to Therapy for Black Girls or the Therapy Fund at The Loveland Foundation

REVEALS

Just a little excerpt today. TW: Suicide. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

Staring at my therapist over Zoom, I tell him how happy I am to live in New York City, how glad I am that I finally made it here, and how it is better than I could ever imagine. I tell him, not only do I no longer want to die, but how grateful I am to be alive. I tell him how embarrassing that feels to say. I tell him how when I see quotes on social media like “Remember how blessed you are to see another day!” I relate to them before I cringe.

I tell him how most days, I have at least one moment of feeling grateful to be alive and how lucky I feel that I get another day to experience how beautiful life is. I punctuate every one of these sentiments by expressing how cringey they feel to admit, to say aloud. Even so, I feel my body radiate with joy.

He asks me what that feels like. I tell him it feels like when you are on vacation, and you wake up early even though you don’t have to but you’re not tired. You don’t feel guilty for waking up late, so you don’t have time to enjoy your vacation. You could have slept all day, but you didn’t. You don’t have anywhere to go, anything to do; you’re not rushed. You have the whole day ahead of you to enjoy your vacation. It’s before the sun heats everything up, so it’s still cool out. No one else is up, so the frenzy hasn’t affected you or the day. There is nothing you have to do today. Anything you do that day will be pure pleasure and joy. That pleasure might be seeing your dog experience joy running through the woods and fields. You can just sit on a chair and drink your coffee outside, you can enjoy the quiet, peace, and crisp air, while you think about what you might want to do today.

When I finished, he said, “Wow. That is the writer in you.” and I felt seen – by him. I felt loved – by me.

If you are having thoughts of ending your life, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. And please know that you are loved.