Myst & Dream

Decisions, Revisions, and Tears

2006-06-04T04:41:36Z

I’ve decided something. No, seriously!

*wicked laughter*

I’m going to update this journal on a regular basis. I’m going to keep my cogs oiled and my thoughts flowing, and maybe then I’ll feel better in general. So, here cometh the spillage.

It’s midnight, on Sunday June 3, 2006. I’m listening to Evanescence, “My Immortal”. Good CD.

I got back from Europe about ten days ago. I miss it like mad. I discovered that I am not an American. Take the flag waving, fireworks shooting and shove it. Give me a quiet flat in the Seventh arrondissement, the street market of the Rue Cler, and the Champs du Mars garden to picnic in. Do you know that by law the French are only allowed to work 35 hours a week and MUST have 5 weeks of vacation?

*sigh* Of course things are madly expensive over there, and no one can even afford their own home. *Looks around at her house*

But, the attitudes, the peace, and how healthy people live over there! No wonder artists flocked to Paris! I mean inspiration practically drips from the sky! I mean don’t get me wrong, I loved the rest of Europe as well. Ireland, I could live there! The mountains and everything is so green! I wasn’t too fond of London. It was very busy, very congested and very icky. But, it was worth it to see the museums. I would go back to London for the theatre, the West End, oh the plays! I salivated at each illuminated, dramatic advertisement.

But, back I am, and here I must stay. At least until I have mustered up enough money to jump back on a plane. I met some friends over there, and will have a place to stay next time (au revoir expensive hotels). Also, I will take my time now that I basically know where things are.

Being home is different. I am happy to be here with people I care about, though my eyes were opened to a few truths I’ve been too blind to see. First, I guess my marriage wasn’t as great as I thought it was. My husband told me that, along with “I really didn’t miss you and I was happier than I’ve been in awhile” but he still loves me, and wants to miss me, and wants to be happy with me. I’m still going, “huh?” I mean, I know we have our issues, he’s emotionally constipated and I’m too headstrong, but I thought… I honestly thought we were working together. You see, he doesn’t talk to me; he doesn’t communicate his thoughts and feelings. Then again, he came from a family that is intensely close knit, and he doesn’t have to spell out how he’s feeling, they naturally understand. I can’t do that. I blurt out everything, cry it out, scream it out. He, being quieter than me, doesn’t. So instead of confronting me when I do something that bothers him, he buries it. So I don’t KNOW when I’ve done something that gets him angry or upset. Naturally, I keep doing the offensive action! So finally being gone on this trip allowed him to see how bound up he was about some issues. I guess I should appreciate that he wants to work things through, that he wants to stay married, and that he still loves me. I’m just afraid. Scared to death. I want to be happy with this man, I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t love him, but I’m scared that no matter the amount of counseling that we go through that he won’t be able to love me in the way that I need to, that I’ll always be doubting, “is he being honest about his feelings”?

I don’t want to be divorced at 23. I don’t want to start over, and I’m scared that I might have to. I’m not thinking, “just divorce him”. That isn’t the way I was raised. I want to work things through, I’m just scared, and want to wave my hand and *poof* it be fixed.

*sigh* It is just going to take time.

On the bright side, Toby hasn’t peed or pooped on the carpet in ten days. YAY!

Work is driving me cockeyed mad, Dr. J isn’t respecting me at all. Making demands on my time, MY time, key phrase. I’m only supposed to have the little one during certain hours, and she just calls and demands time that is mine. I don’t know how to say, “sorry I can’t” because she makes me feel so damn guilty, like I’m hurting her kid if I don’t take care of her. *grr* Then the little one is being a complete brat as well. She has got this snotty-mightier-than-thou attitude right now that is just out of control. Remedial Training, coming up! But, she is going to be a couple of weeks with her father, starting on Monday, so that should give me a good break to calm down and miss her.

*

I was on Myspace looking at a friends blog entries, and something interesting piqued my interest. It was a poem she wrote about a relationship, and liking the persons qualities, but not wanting them. At the end it said, “I’m sorry Bill.” Funny thing is, is that that is my ex. It sparked a ton of questions in my head. I mean, it was dated December of 2005. So, what I can surmise is that he wanted to date her and she said no. This wouldn’t be so bad, if she wasn’t my best friend from high school. I mean, it just bothered me that he would try that (for the second or third time). There go all my fantasies of what would happen if I did get divorced! *snarky look* No, not going there, at least not in my head. Would I love to get back with the person who taught me what it was to love and to be loved? The romantic side of me is shouting, “yes, hell yes!” and the practical side is being more cautious. Love is nothing like the fairy tales. There are decisions to be made in every relationship, and I would hope that if I was free, I could make those with him, but I’m not free, and don’t know what would happen even if I was.

*taps her chin* I’m shutting that train of thought down, because I cannot even begin to tread that path, it is not open to me.

I’m starting my own business. I’m selling Partylite candles. I know, how hokey does that sound? It is a really good opportunity, and hey, I’m a candle ho! Free candles, make a little bit of money and earn free trips to exotic locales. I’m there.

*laughs*

I have the most crazy out of control posts, and no one to read them. Well, I think that is a good thing because…well…its good to talk out my issues to a more objective crowd. Like the internet, and I don’t have to repeat myself tons of times.

G’night m’dears.

~Lady~

PS. Remember the post about my friend Nicole? She got pregnant a couple of months back. Four months big, and I’m back to hating her. Isn’t life grand? No seriously, I’m happy for her, because right now in my life a baby would be complicated. See, I am mature! *sticks tongue out*

Thoughts Over Chocolate

2006-02-05T17:23:11Z

Well,

Here I am, on Superbowl Sunday, still in my jammies and contemplating life. I was looking over my school transcripts, and trying to figure out what I STILL need. Big mistake. Its depressing, because the only thing holding me back from continuing on to my final classes is MATH. STINKIN MATH. I mean, I tested into this prepatory course because I couldn't remember how to multiply fractions, so of course instead of teaching me just what I need and shuttling me forth, I have to take a three hour class twice a week and DO everything from addition onwards, not once BUT TWICE. Once on paper, and then through a computer program, and then take a final test and if I don't pass that, I HAVE TO REPEAT THE STINKIN COURSE! I'm an ENGLISH EDUCATION MAJOR! What the hell do I need to multiply fractions for?! But get this, I have to take this course and then another ALGEBRA prep course. Then I still need to take MAth for Liberal Arts 1, 2 and College Algebra! And of course you cannot take more than one course at a time!

*bangs head on table*

I'm so stinkin' frustrated I just want to QUIT. Which got me to thinking, what exactly do I want from my life?!

Case in point.

I'm relatively young at 23, with my own home, a nice Acura 3.2 TL, and two good jobs. I work two because of buying the house this year and we needed to buy furniture and everything. Then, I'm a nanny for Dr. J.

I love my job as nanny. I mean, the munchkin is sweet, relatively well behaved and we have the freedom to go to my house, watch movies, run errands, anything.

Do I want to keep plodding along finishing my degree, and then be locked into a classroom for 8 hours a day? Do I really want that?!

I mean I love having the freedom that I have right now. I'm at home and then I go to work. Isn't that what everyone really wants to work, make money, and yet still have freedom? I mean, money isn’t really a big deal to me, as long as I’m paying the bills, and saving. The only thing I really want money for is for travel. I want to travel more overseas and see things! So, as long as I can do that, y’know?

Then again, I have to think all I ever wanted to be is a TEACHER. To inspire students the way I was inspired. I mean I love English History and English literature and I want to see that light blink on in my student’s eyes.

If I quit, will I regret it? I don’t want to be 40/50 going , “I wish..”

I guess, really the only thing I can do is keep going, and when I get to the point that I’m done, give it a shot, working in a school. If I hate it, then I can always quit I guess.

Or, should I get my A.A with a specialization in Early Childhood Education and continue to work with younger children either being a Nanny (which c’mon people it pays almost $500 a week) or start my own pre-school. That is something I’ve always wanted to do.

Or, should I get my Bachelors in History/English and then take the teachers certification test?

I really think is that I’m happy now. I’m happy working and going to school, and I think I will continue that. I want to be a teacher, but I want to be happy and taking care of my family first.

I think what I want to do is, muddle through this math (or maybe find a way around it) and go for just my bachelors in English or History (not sure which I LOVE both subjects) and then either continue as a Child Care provider or open my own pre-school.

I want to finish what I started, if not for the opportunities to learn, but for my own fulfillment. My other half might say that it is a waste of time, but you know, I have to live with myself first and foremost.

Whatever I do, I guess I will be happy. C’est Le Vie!

he he

2006-01-24T04:01:19Z

Life continues on. I am leaving for Europe in 3 months and 11 days. I will be spending three and half weeks in the countries of Ireland, England and France. *sigh* Cannot wait!

*the kitty peers at the computer, and then realizes she will be stuck with daddy scooping her box for three and half weeks, and meows pitifully*

In other news, my last rant about my friend Nicole? She miscarried. It turns out that she hadn’t even missed her period before taking a test, so…it is dubious about the testing so early. I still have talked to her and told her that I am there for her should she need a shoulder to cry upon, though she ‘seems’ fine.

I have also gotten an ipod and bid adieu to my Pocket PC. I love the thing I really do, I mean c’mon I could use quickbooks in the middle of traffic (not that I actually need quickbooks) but hey it’s neat. I never really used the $400 toy to it’s potential. Thank god it was just a gift! So…I went and bought myself a 30 Gig Ipod Photo/Video. I’ve had it for almost two days and cannot imagine my life without it! It is so great to have all your music right there, not have to carry around tons of cds! Also, it has the capability to have your contacts and calendar right there, and that is all I really used my Pocket Pc for anyways. It was totally worth the $300 price tag. Which reminds me, I’m doing a little extra babysitting…should anyone need it?

I’ve also come up with some interesting sayings for t-shirts…thought I’d put them out there, whilst I’m just spewing my thoughts.

“Dumbledore Lives!”

“I wanna be Spike’d”

“The Future Mrs. Malfoy” (I think I’m going to do this one and wear it in the UK)

“Heir of Slytherin”

“Mudblood”

“Pureblood”

“You say EVIL like it’s a bad thing”

Huh, huh? Think I should make my fortune in t-shirt sales? Nah, me either.

Well, I’m going to go waste more precious money on ebay.

Au Revoir!

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

2006-01-02T04:58:13Z

You know how everything seems to be going just perfect in your life and then BAM, something just blindsides you?

Tonight was that night for me. Everything has been going great in my life, work, another semester of school is starting, hubby and I are getting along better than ever and it’s just been great.

We went to a bonfire at my friend YH’s, and...

“We have an announcement for you guys…Nicole’s pregnant” says a friend of his wife, a smile spread across his face, ripe and full.

My heart thuds in my chest, my body freezes, and my finger’s clench around the bottle of hard cider that I’m holding. Everyone is shrieking, hopping around, hugging and offering congratulations. I know I must work past the cement that has somehow formed in my vocal region, but instead of the ‘how awesome’ escaping my lips, all I want to say is,

‘NO, NO, NO…it should be ME!’

Somehow, I offer my token of congratulations, and I sit, the joviality of the evening forgotten, frozen on my blanket around the fire, just staring. Eventually I get up, and go inside. The next thing I know is I’m in YH’s bedroom, sobbing. Not just crying, but on my knees, holding my sides as-if-I’m-going-to-fall-apart, sobbing.

I’m so angry and upset, and yes, JEALOUS. I’m jealous because Nicole is pregnant, I’m jealous that she, who had known her husband 6 months prior to marrying him, and has only been married 14 months, is pregnant. I’m jealous because me, who has known my husband since birth, dated for three years, and been married almost three, is not!

I just want to shout to the stars, “IT ISN’T FAIR!”

And along the freight train of my tortured, emotional consciousness is the thoughts of the child that I did loose, and that this April he or she would’ve been a year old. Just starting to talk and to walk.

I want it to be me, dammit! I want to be pregnant. Then again, I’m scared for Nicole because they JUST found out they were pregnant, and they are telling everyone? What if something happens? How is she going to deal with retracting that news, admist the emotional turmoil of loosing a baby? I didn’t deal well at all, I lost it emotionally for awhile.

And still, the little green monster of jealous is squeezing my insides, and I want to cry and rage.

So the perfect night of socializing was ruined, there wasn’t enough alcohol to drink myself into a stupor, and I’m out of Ben & Jerry’s. So here I am, belching out my unhappiness to the internet, listening to Sarah McLachlan’s “Stupid” on repeat.

I’m an idiot.

~Lady~

Writing...

2005-12-27T00:19:41Z

So, I just posted a comment on an Author's livejournal (Libba Bray- absolutely brilliant). And, all I can consider is, if I was an author, receiving feedback from a person like me, what would I think of that individual? Would I roll my eyes, and go "oh god" or be genuinely encouraged?

Then again, reading and responding to feedback, just makes my muse rear it's head. *brandishes her pen, 'back back you fiend'*

I write constantly, and in all my writing classes my teachers are bugging me to publish. I know what the problem is (besides letting myself finish my novel, and stop dilly-dallying with my short stories), is that I'm afraid. I'm afraid to reach out to those final steps of sending my manuscript to various institutions, afraid of rejection, afraid of...acceptance? And how that would change my life.

*sigh*

It's like being on stage, I love to act and sing, but when I think about taking those final steps an auditioning, most times I'm afraid of how that would change the comfortable rut that my husband and family exists in. I'm afraid of standing alone, I suppose.

How, in this 21st century full of women power and role-models, stupid is that?

Again, inserting angst-full sigh right here. *sigh*

Then again, the joy I receive from writing, from singing, from being on stage...

Well, hmm. Something to ponder, definitely. In the meantime, I'm going to succumb to my muse, who is now chewing on my big toe. Damn, I'm sure I needed that to walk.

*shrug and a wink*

~Lady~

I hate Doctors

2005-10-05T02:14:06Z

Allright, I HATE DOCTORS.

Sure, they've saved my life a couple of times now, but seriously. I went back into the hospital on Saturday, the dr. found a blood clot in my thigh. So it was bed rest, and two blood thinners. I COULDN'T EVEN GET UP TO FREAKIN PEE!!

Then, after some god awful tests where even the loratab and other painkillers they gave me didn't cover the pain. They say, "ooops you didn't have a blood clot after all", and "oooopppss you may not have the blood clotting disorder that we though you have, you may have a different one!"

I freakin.......aaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh.

~Lady~*

The tough journey back to Fic-A-Lization

2005-10-01T01:24:28Z

~Mmmmmm...

So here I am..eons after leaving my fic groups because of a much needed break. I only hope now that I'm trying to return to the groups I left that the other members feel the same way.

Why, might one ask did I leave? Well...

Long story made short.

I went into the hospital with pneumonia. While in there the doctors discovered a few things. 1) I was pregnant. 2) I have a blood clot in my lung. 3) I have a blood condition called Factor V Leiden & Protein C deficiency.

I was strapped down in the ICU for a long time while I blood thinners being disbursed into my system by the liter. I couldn't move, nothing because if I did, the clot would move into my heart and kill me. I also lost the baby.

Finally, I have my life normalized as much as I can. I'm off the blood thinners, but I have the monitor my health very carefully. I must exercise to keep my circulation constant, I have to eat healthy and I have to rest and keep hydrated or I could get another clot. I also cannot have children without being monitored by a perinatologist prior to conception.

So...hence the absence from the fics, the groups, and the fun. *sigh* Hopefully...I'll be let back into the fold.

*tail twitches idly*

Lady~*

I'm a Goddess~

2004-01-01T23:19:19Z

Goddess of Nature:

The Goddess of Nature ties in closely with the
Goddess of Earth, but she prefers the warm life
of animals and vegetation. Your caring
personality tells you to help whoever you can.
People with problems flock to you so you can
solve them. You take joy in helping other
people, and are content with the knowledge that
you are making a difference in someones life.
You tend to be slightly wild, and often favor
open grasslands or forests over large cities or
densely populated areas. Despite your love for
helping people, you watch what they do to your
forests and animals in horror and do your best
to stop it. Youre not without your sense of
revenge, however, when someone hurts the ones
you love, you can be scary.

What Goddess Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Now isn't that just nifty. I would so be Poison Ivy if I could. I mean, I think I'm more Ivy than anything, but hell, I'll always be Lady. I got that from Pet's page, thought I would try it. She's such a good girl. *gives Pet a lascivious look*

~Lady~

A New Year

2004-01-01T04:38:13Z

I've kinda come to the conclusion that a new year is almost like daylight savings time. It exists just to give us a chance to change. If we didn't have new years (or daylight savings time) it really would not be such a great loss or gain.

Just a thought.

I also have to muse if I am the only one who DOESN'T want to go out and drink myself into a stupor. It's a new year, if we are going to taint it with resolutions and such, wouldn't the time before that magical 12am ball drop be the perfect time to consider the changes we should make? Perhaps by not getting smackered and sleeping with losers?

Another thought.

Yeah, I'm against New Years.

Wonderings About the Optional

2003-12-24T06:48:33Z

“ How should we be able to forget those ancient myths that are at the beginning of all peoples the myths about monsters that at the last moment of our lives are princes who are only waiting for us to see them once, beautiful and kind. Perhaps everything terrible in its deepest being, is something helpless that wants help from us.”

My life seems to be ruled by the fantasy. I write endless stories on how I feel like I shouldn't really be HERE, in this life, as if I'm meant for somewhere else. Then again, I fit so snug into the modern world, where else could I belong?

So, in a effort to convince myself, I delve into the fantasy, indulging my need for faeries, knights, and ladies. I like the historical-ness of times past. Of times that don't seem so far away from me.

*contemplates*

So with that confession, I begin my livejournal enterprise. Don't you guys (the few that you are, already regret it? I'll get the hang of this mess soon enough, and then you'll definetly be begging me to go away, to shut up.

Just a small tidbit of writing that I did not to long ago. On a night such as this, listening to celtic music and pondering if the clock really said "3am" or if I was just really...confused.

}}}Random Thoughts}}}

It never seems to occur to anyone to stop and consider the past. Of course the present holds most people's attention, and then of course we have the ever looming future that snaps at each footstep that we take in its direction.

High-School. SNAP goes the razor sharp jaws.

Work. SNAP-SNAP goes the taila and talons.

It all ends up like a SAT math problem, "If you take three steps twords the future, how many times do you have to fall back into the past to continually progress to live comfortably in the present?"

A,B,C,D,E...doesn't seem to quite cut it, at least not with your Number 2 pencil. People have to weild a much dangerous weapon, which is emotions, words, and intellect.

~Lady~