Decisions, Revisions, and Tears
I’ve decided something. No, seriously!
*wicked laughter*
I’m going to update this journal on a regular basis. I’m going to keep my cogs oiled and my thoughts flowing, and maybe then I’ll feel better in general. So, here cometh the spillage.
It’s midnight, on Sunday June 3, 2006. I’m listening to Evanescence, “My Immortal”. Good CD.
I got back from Europe about ten days ago. I miss it like mad. I discovered that I am not an American. Take the flag waving, fireworks shooting and shove it. Give me a quiet flat in the Seventh arrondissement, the street market of the Rue Cler, and the Champs du Mars garden to picnic in. Do you know that by law the French are only allowed to work 35 hours a week and MUST have 5 weeks of vacation?
*sigh* Of course things are madly expensive over there, and no one can even afford their own home. *Looks around at her house*
But, the attitudes, the peace, and how healthy people live over there! No wonder artists flocked to Paris! I mean inspiration practically drips from the sky! I mean don’t get me wrong, I loved the rest of Europe as well. Ireland, I could live there! The mountains and everything is so green! I wasn’t too fond of London. It was very busy, very congested and very icky. But, it was worth it to see the museums. I would go back to London for the theatre, the West End, oh the plays! I salivated at each illuminated, dramatic advertisement.
But, back I am, and here I must stay. At least until I have mustered up enough money to jump back on a plane. I met some friends over there, and will have a place to stay next time (au revoir expensive hotels). Also, I will take my time now that I basically know where things are.
Being home is different. I am happy to be here with people I care about, though my eyes were opened to a few truths I’ve been too blind to see. First, I guess my marriage wasn’t as great as I thought it was. My husband told me that, along with “I really didn’t miss you and I was happier than I’ve been in awhile” but he still loves me, and wants to miss me, and wants to be happy with me. I’m still going, “huh?” I mean, I know we have our issues, he’s emotionally constipated and I’m too headstrong, but I thought… I honestly thought we were working together. You see, he doesn’t talk to me; he doesn’t communicate his thoughts and feelings. Then again, he came from a family that is intensely close knit, and he doesn’t have to spell out how he’s feeling, they naturally understand. I can’t do that. I blurt out everything, cry it out, scream it out. He, being quieter than me, doesn’t. So instead of confronting me when I do something that bothers him, he buries it. So I don’t KNOW when I’ve done something that gets him angry or upset. Naturally, I keep doing the offensive action! So finally being gone on this trip allowed him to see how bound up he was about some issues. I guess I should appreciate that he wants to work things through, that he wants to stay married, and that he still loves me. I’m just afraid. Scared to death. I want to be happy with this man, I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t love him, but I’m scared that no matter the amount of counseling that we go through that he won’t be able to love me in the way that I need to, that I’ll always be doubting, “is he being honest about his feelings”?
I don’t want to be divorced at 23. I don’t want to start over, and I’m scared that I might have to. I’m not thinking, “just divorce him”. That isn’t the way I was raised. I want to work things through, I’m just scared, and want to wave my hand and *poof* it be fixed.
*sigh* It is just going to take time.
On the bright side, Toby hasn’t peed or pooped on the carpet in ten days. YAY!
Work is driving me cockeyed mad, Dr. J isn’t respecting me at all. Making demands on my time, MY time, key phrase. I’m only supposed to have the little one during certain hours, and she just calls and demands time that is mine. I don’t know how to say, “sorry I can’t” because she makes me feel so damn guilty, like I’m hurting her kid if I don’t take care of her. *grr* Then the little one is being a complete brat as well. She has got this snotty-mightier-than-thou attitude right now that is just out of control. Remedial Training, coming up! But, she is going to be a couple of weeks with her father, starting on Monday, so that should give me a good break to calm down and miss her.
*
I was on Myspace looking at a friends blog entries, and something interesting piqued my interest. It was a poem she wrote about a relationship, and liking the persons qualities, but not wanting them. At the end it said, “I’m sorry Bill.” Funny thing is, is that that is my ex. It sparked a ton of questions in my head. I mean, it was dated December of 2005. So, what I can surmise is that he wanted to date her and she said no. This wouldn’t be so bad, if she wasn’t my best friend from high school. I mean, it just bothered me that he would try that (for the second or third time). There go all my fantasies of what would happen if I did get divorced! *snarky look* No, not going there, at least not in my head. Would I love to get back with the person who taught me what it was to love and to be loved? The romantic side of me is shouting, “yes, hell yes!” and the practical side is being more cautious. Love is nothing like the fairy tales. There are decisions to be made in every relationship, and I would hope that if I was free, I could make those with him, but I’m not free, and don’t know what would happen even if I was.
*taps her chin* I’m shutting that train of thought down, because I cannot even begin to tread that path, it is not open to me.
I’m starting my own business. I’m selling Partylite candles. I know, how hokey does that sound? It is a really good opportunity, and hey, I’m a candle ho! Free candles, make a little bit of money and earn free trips to exotic locales. I’m there.
*laughs*
I have the most crazy out of control posts, and no one to read them. Well, I think that is a good thing because…well…its good to talk out my issues to a more objective crowd. Like the internet, and I don’t have to repeat myself tons of times.
G’night m’dears.
~Lady~
PS. Remember the post about my friend Nicole? She got pregnant a couple of months back. Four months big, and I’m back to hating her. Isn’t life grand? No seriously, I’m happy for her, because right now in my life a baby would be complicated. See, I am mature! *sticks tongue out*