Stupid, Stupid, Stupid
You know how everything seems to be going just perfect in your life and then BAM, something just blindsides you?
Tonight was that night for me. Everything has been going great in my life, work, another semester of school is starting, hubby and I are getting along better than ever and it’s just been great.
We went to a bonfire at my friend YH’s, and...
“We have an announcement for you guys…Nicole’s pregnant” says a friend of his wife, a smile spread across his face, ripe and full.
My heart thuds in my chest, my body freezes, and my finger’s clench around the bottle of hard cider that I’m holding. Everyone is shrieking, hopping around, hugging and offering congratulations. I know I must work past the cement that has somehow formed in my vocal region, but instead of the ‘how awesome’ escaping my lips, all I want to say is,
‘NO, NO, NO…it should be ME!’
Somehow, I offer my token of congratulations, and I sit, the joviality of the evening forgotten, frozen on my blanket around the fire, just staring. Eventually I get up, and go inside. The next thing I know is I’m in YH’s bedroom, sobbing. Not just crying, but on my knees, holding my sides as-if-I’m-going-to-fall-apart, sobbing.
I’m so angry and upset, and yes, JEALOUS. I’m jealous because Nicole is pregnant, I’m jealous that she, who had known her husband 6 months prior to marrying him, and has only been married 14 months, is pregnant. I’m jealous because me, who has known my husband since birth, dated for three years, and been married almost three, is not!
I just want to shout to the stars, “IT ISN’T FAIR!”
And along the freight train of my tortured, emotional consciousness is the thoughts of the child that I did loose, and that this April he or she would’ve been a year old. Just starting to talk and to walk.
I want it to be me, dammit! I want to be pregnant. Then again, I’m scared for Nicole because they JUST found out they were pregnant, and they are telling everyone? What if something happens? How is she going to deal with retracting that news, admist the emotional turmoil of loosing a baby? I didn’t deal well at all, I lost it emotionally for awhile.
And still, the little green monster of jealous is squeezing my insides, and I want to cry and rage.
So the perfect night of socializing was ruined, there wasn’t enough alcohol to drink myself into a stupor, and I’m out of Ben & Jerry’s. So here I am, belching out my unhappiness to the internet, listening to Sarah McLachlan’s “Stupid” on repeat.
I’m an idiot.
~Lady~
Tonight was that night for me. Everything has been going great in my life, work, another semester of school is starting, hubby and I are getting along better than ever and it’s just been great.
We went to a bonfire at my friend YH’s, and...
“We have an announcement for you guys…Nicole’s pregnant” says a friend of his wife, a smile spread across his face, ripe and full.
My heart thuds in my chest, my body freezes, and my finger’s clench around the bottle of hard cider that I’m holding. Everyone is shrieking, hopping around, hugging and offering congratulations. I know I must work past the cement that has somehow formed in my vocal region, but instead of the ‘how awesome’ escaping my lips, all I want to say is,
‘NO, NO, NO…it should be ME!’
Somehow, I offer my token of congratulations, and I sit, the joviality of the evening forgotten, frozen on my blanket around the fire, just staring. Eventually I get up, and go inside. The next thing I know is I’m in YH’s bedroom, sobbing. Not just crying, but on my knees, holding my sides as-if-I’m-going-to-fall-apart, sobbing.
I’m so angry and upset, and yes, JEALOUS. I’m jealous because Nicole is pregnant, I’m jealous that she, who had known her husband 6 months prior to marrying him, and has only been married 14 months, is pregnant. I’m jealous because me, who has known my husband since birth, dated for three years, and been married almost three, is not!
I just want to shout to the stars, “IT ISN’T FAIR!”
And along the freight train of my tortured, emotional consciousness is the thoughts of the child that I did loose, and that this April he or she would’ve been a year old. Just starting to talk and to walk.
I want it to be me, dammit! I want to be pregnant. Then again, I’m scared for Nicole because they JUST found out they were pregnant, and they are telling everyone? What if something happens? How is she going to deal with retracting that news, admist the emotional turmoil of loosing a baby? I didn’t deal well at all, I lost it emotionally for awhile.
And still, the little green monster of jealous is squeezing my insides, and I want to cry and rage.
So the perfect night of socializing was ruined, there wasn’t enough alcohol to drink myself into a stupor, and I’m out of Ben & Jerry’s. So here I am, belching out my unhappiness to the internet, listening to Sarah McLachlan’s “Stupid” on repeat.
I’m an idiot.
~Lady~