Musings from the Shadows

This was harder than I thought it was going to be.

2009-02-04T12:03:49Z

First of all, thank you to all those who commented on the previous post. Sucks that my first post of 2009 is because someone in my family has passed. Your kind words/hugs mean more than I can ever adequately express.

We had the viewing last night. I've been calm and strong for the past week. Sending reiki, offering shoulders for crying on. Hugging and holding. And then last night was the viewing and I lost it. Walking in and seeing Jack there in his coffin just vroomed me back 10 years at light speed and it was seeing my dad again for that final time all over again. I never really got the chance to fully grieve 10 years ago when daddy passed because I had a 5 yr old at the time who did not understand it when Mommy lost her sh!t and broke down crying. So last night, the now 15yr old better understands what it is like to lose a grandfather and it hit her hard. I'm finally getting a chance to grieve and it nailed me to a wall. And poor Scott, his last view of his father was after they turned the machines off, but the tubes were still in place. So all of us got hit alot harder than we expected we would. Phyllis did better than all of us last night.

Now in a few hours we go to lay Jack's body to rest. Scott has been asked to be a pall bearer to the man who became his father after Bill passed. We cremated my father and Scott's dad as well, so this is a new experience for us on laying a father to rest.

I'm tired. Did not sleep well. Thoughts are not stringing together well at all. BUt let me get thru today. Funeral and then interrment at Quantico and then reception at the Moose lodge. Then our open Imoblc Ritual. I'll go be with my brothers and sisters at TWC and celebrate coming back into the light in more ways than one.

I'm so tired of losing people.

2009-01-25T10:50:37Z

We lost my honorary Father-in-law yesterday. Jack was fighting 2 different cancers. He seizured as Phyllis was driving him to the hospital early before his next chemo.

Let me tell you the story of how Jack and Phyllis came into our lives. Scott has known them for over 15 years now. They are the type of people that love everyone. After 43 years of marriage they still hold hands, they do everything together, they don't raise their voices, they gaze madly into each other's eyes. Oh geds I want that to be Scott and I and have long years together. When Scott lost his dad 11 years ago, they took him and held him close and he became the 3rd son. They made sure he did not hole up alone. When Scott met me, Phyllis was planning the wedding already. They adopted LD as their 4th granddaughter. DNA or blood was not their defining factor for family. THey adopted me as their daughter/in law. So to hear Scott break down in tears on the phone with me as I was driving home from a meet-n-sniff broke my heart. Scott is a man not afraid to cry over something that hits him deeply. I love him for this and so many other things. Jack is a tough ole bird. It's not supposed to be him. Not now. LD is devistated. It's the 2nd grandpa she's had that she's lost after 5 years of knowing him.

So we went over to the house as soon as I could get home. We spent the evening holding each other. We were greeted by John...his eldest. Scott and I held him and said we've done this one before and we'll help him thru. We wish he did not have to go thru this one. There was Rachel who said her pawpaw was to dance with her at her wedding later this year. Or to hold her babies. There was Valerie doing that woulda should coulda thing I did. All the things they were saying was the same things I went thru 10 years ago and it breaks my heart. So, I held, and stroked and cried and sent reiki, and helped them tell stories, and told them laughing kept Jack right there in that room with them at that moment. And Phyllis who is constantly shaking her leg in nervous energy...calmed after I help her hand and rubbed her back. She told me I was so calming to her, enough so that she was going to eat a cracker and some cheese. I'll hold her hand for days if it gets her to stop shaking and to eat something. She's numb and all cried out. It happened when she was driving him. She's a nurse too. She's also fighting her own health demon. LD spent the night because the other granddaughters were spending the night. She wants to comfort Grandma. But she's barely holding it together herself. My heart grieves Jack so very much. I love and adore both he and Phyllis who have welcomed LD and I into their family the moment Scott told them he fell in love with us. I grieve for the girls. I grieve for their sons. I grieve for Phyllis who has lost her best friend, her other half, her lover, her husband. Scott and I should be so lucky to have a love and relationship like theirs. Now more than ever I gotta marry him. Now more than ever I gotta make MMG work so I can.

I could not sleep after a while. Jack's name was running thru my head. When we were pulling up to the house last night a very strong wind pushed the car. It had not been windy. It was Jack. He's not ready yet. He had a few more things to tie up. But he was there last night. We felt him. I told them..he's not gone, he just changed form. He's energy all around us now. That seemed to help a bit. We'll toast him again today. We toasted him with his Johnnie Walker Black last night. We'll raise one up and pour one on the ground for him.

Scott and I will head out later and grab food for them. Stuff easy to heat up because cooking and eating are the last things on their mind. And we'll hold people, and cry. And bring the Costco sized case of Puff's Plus. LD grabbed abox from our stash last night and when she walked in with it, they thanked her for the first practical thing brought. :) WE'll be bringing more. Scott's hurting pretty bad. I will be there for him. I'm hurting damn bad too. He'll be there for me. WE'll be there for LD. Oh she's really taking it so bad.

I need to ground and re-charge my energy center, so that I can help calm again today. I know this drill....I wish I did not know this drill.

Okay Jack...no goodbyes. Just I love ya and see ya later. You are not gone, you just changed energy forms. But I miss you. Oh boy do I miss you.

oh wow

2008-11-30T02:14:40Z

making dragon momma post

managed to snag 1 autumn...and my beloved Cindeefirst has one holding for me.

putting here for clicks and views!

A post I never thought I Would have to make

2008-10-31T21:31:29Z

So many things I never thought I would have to do.....

Bury my father at a young age
be a single mother for a long time
go on welfare
get in a car wreck.....

and announce the death of someone I knew for 10 years.

Mike Baker the lead singer for Shadow Gallery passed away at the very young age of 45 on Weds October 29th. He died of a heart attack. I have worked for Shadow Gallery for 10 years now, and it was my joy to announce the happy things like cd releases, and appearances on the recordings of other artists. But never...did I think I would have to be the one who sent the press release to their fan group and to their web site about Mike's passing.

Oh Mike had such the voice. LArger than life that man was with a heart and voice to match. HIs vocals made me soar, smile, cry and brought me comfort when I laid my own dad to rest. And it was some 6 years after I started working for them that we finally met hug to hug at a Release party. And it was good. All good.

I'm the mama bear and they are my cubs. I've been the guardian at the gate for so long...and the town crier...now I'm just a Mouse who is crying.

My work for them was never about me...it was always to put them in the spotlight where they all belonged. Mike's vocal talent was amazing and breathtaking and will be sorely missed in the progmetal world.

And so I thought....back to Weds night when I was at an extremely windy Samhain ritual. The wind was blowing with such a restless spirit and energy...like it was restless. I think part of that was Mike's spirit...it was too soon he was too young and he was not ready.

So tonight on my own Samhain altar I have added Mike's picture to that of my father and Scott's dad.

Cross easy Mike...and lend your beautful voice to the Summerland...your parents await you there and you can sing to them from that big beautiful heart of yours.

********************************

ALLENTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA
It is with deep sadness and regret that we announce the passing of Shadow Gallery vocalist, Michael A. Baker. Mike suffered a heart attack, Wednesday afternoon, October 29th, 2008. He was 45 years old. Mike was a founding member of Shadow Gallery and for the past 16 years, helped shape the sound of the band with his magical voice. Additionally, he made many appearances on rock records around the world. Those who knew him best were moved by his gentle spirit, sincere kindness, fun nature and passion for both music and sports. He was a warrior in the studio, a true professional. Mike was our friend, our singer and our brother. We loved him and will miss him enormously, but he will always be remembered in our hearts and through his music.

http://www.shadowgallery.com

I'm a sheep who can't swallow ignorance

2008-10-29T17:11:36Z

Copy this sentence into your livejournal if you're in a heterosexual marriage, and you don't want it "protected" by the bigots who think that gay marriage hurts it somehow.

Another funny to share

2008-10-27T18:19:05Z

http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2952

Too funny...but too true.

Shared to me by my LoveBird

2008-10-23T18:18:24Z

Forrest Gump Explains Mortgage Back Securities

Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates.

Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds in plain sight of dishonest politicians in Washington.

Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates.

These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually the average taxpayer
bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.

Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $750 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal.

Meanwhile the Wall Street criminals and banks who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.

Why? Because Congress had Freddy Mac and Fannie Mae manufacture the turds in the first place.

Mama always said: 'Sniff the chocolates first, Forrest'.

Forrest is smarter than 99% of all the politicians.

Best way I've seen it 'splained yet.

I never thought I would be her....

2008-10-15T09:24:59Z

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Marilyn!

You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

* Be direct and clear

* Listen to me carefully

* Don't judge me for my anxiety

* Work things through with me

* Reassure me that everything is OK between us

* Laugh and make jokes with me

* Gently push me toward new experiences

* Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Marilyn

* being committed and faithful to family and friends

* being responsible and hardworking

* being compassionate toward others

* having intellect and wit

* being a nonconformist

* confronting danger bravely

* being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Marilyn

* the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind

* procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself

* fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

* exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger

* wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right

* being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Marilyns as Children Often

* are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn

* are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger

* form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

* look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel

* are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Marilyns as Parents

* are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty

* are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

* worry more than most that their children will get hurt

* sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

Just goes to show eh?

Trick ro Treat...Smell mah what?

2008-10-07T12:29:11Z

heheheheh occasionally these things are much fun!

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
ladycoldfire goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Earth Faery.
cindeefirst gives you 17 light yellow peach-flavoured pieces of taffy.
digiscrappy gives you 16 pink watermelon-flavoured pieces of taffy.
jaxita gives you 6 light orange grape-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
lunrgoddess tricks you! You get a block of wood.
sarbah77 tricks you! You lose 31 pieces of candy!
scotchgrrl gives you 10 brown apple-flavoured gummy worms.
strangemodegirl gives you 7 dark green licorice-flavoured nuggets.
theal8r gives you 12 blue grapefruit-flavoured gummy bats.
tiel tricks you! You get a used tissue.
ytsemaddy tricks you! You get a broken balloon.
ladycoldfire ends up with 37 pieces of candy, a block of wood, a used tissue, and a broken balloon.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

ladycoldfire @ 2008-09-30T08:01:00

2008-09-30T12:03:21Z

Got a hatchling and and a few eggs to raise up.

ladycoldfire @ 2008-09-28T20:52:00

2008-09-29T00:57:39Z

My babies are coming way too close to the wire on maturing. They need clicks and love and views! My fellow Dragon MOms over at BAPL.org have put me in tears on how they are coming to the rescute to help me hatch my babies while I was on the 10 hour trip home....I am placing the babies here for love as well

Thank you in advance for your help!

eta: The Summer Weather and the Guardian have grown up! The pebble has his wings and gender now. C'mon Babies!

ladycoldfire @ 2008-09-27T13:57:00

2008-09-27T17:59:48Z

my dragons...let me show you them. They need more love to grow up!

Love me love my dragons!

ladycoldfire @ 2008-09-27T00:13:00

2008-09-27T04:16:32Z

Giving my dragons some love......

HAPPY MABON!

2008-09-22T17:03:52Z

My favorite season of the year....Autumn!

To celebrate...now I have TWO Autumn Weather Dragon Eggs

And...I bought myself a paid LJ account since they had the sale and all that....now I'm like a real LJ User and all that. Perhaps with the turning of the seasons I should get a new jornal layout?

ladycoldfire @ 2008-09-22T10:25:00

2008-09-22T14:26:14Z

And I bred a dragon today. Here's to hoping it's an Alt Black.

Update: For Mabon I managed to get an Autumn Weather Dragon. Please show it some love!

A day off yeilds productivity

2008-09-20T11:49:47Z

My new schedule with my new position means I work 9 hours a day for 4 days a week and I work 8 hours on one Friday and get the other off. Yesterday was one of those other off days. So I spent it in the workshop. I have people asking me for new pieces at work and yesterday was the perfect time to get a bunch of that done. No one home to distract me except Loki and he's not allowed in my workshop/bunny room.

But I've also had requests to get the shopping cart part of the Mother Moon Gems site done. Still having problems with the permissions and I might change hosts when it comes up for renewal later this year. So I created a Shutterfly account instead just to get pictures up for those who have requested custom pieces and to show pictures of pieces I do currently have up for sale.

This is what I got to do last night after we put the bunnies to bed and wee early this morning.

http://mothermoongems.shutterfly.com/

So go ahead and take a peek if you like. Leave a comment if you like. I've got nails to get cut down this morning, and then my sister's CHarity event to attend and then I'm back in the workshop. I'm not even sure when I'll get packed for ProgPower next week. Oh yeah...SHould I bring some of my pieces to ProgPower?

OKay time to shower and then get back to beading till nail time!

ladycoldfire @ 2008-09-20T07:35:00

2008-09-20T11:39:23Z

My lil Dragon eggs need a wee bit more love....so I'm putting them in the sunshine of my LJ.

Thanks!

I borrowed this from Puddin and it needs to be shared

2008-09-18T22:07:45Z

I too, wish I had thought of this.
I will be sending money because it is a good cause and I am sure that McCain's camp will hate it.

Dear Friends:

We may have thought we wanted a woman on a national political ticket,
but the joke has really been on us, hasn't it? Are you as sick in your
stomach as I am at the thought of Sarah Palin as Vice President of the
United States ?

Since Palin gave her speech accepting the Republican nomination for
the Vice Presidency, Barack Obama's campaign has raised over $10
million dollars. Some of you may already be supporting the Obama
campaign financially; others of you may still be a little honked off
over the primaries. None of you, however, can be happy with Palin's
selection, especially on her positions on women's issues. So, if you
feel you can't support the Obama campaign financially, may I suggest
the following fiendishly brilliant alternative?

Make a donation to Planned Parenthood. In Sarah Palin's name. And
here's the good part: when you make a donation to PP in her name,
they'll send her a card telling her that the donation has been made in
her honor. Here's the link to the Planned Parenthood website:

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/ <http://www.plannedparenthood.org/>

You'll need to fill in the address to let PP know where to send the
'in Sarah Palin's honor' card. I suggest you use the address for the
McCain campaign headquarters, which is:

Head Quarters
Mailing Address
John McCain 2008
P.O. Box 16118
Arlington, VA 22215
Phone(703) 418-2008

Or if you want to send it locally you can find another office here.
http://mccainnow.com/index.php?option=com_myblog&show=McCain-Regional-and-State-Contact-Information.html&Itemid=37

Feel free to send this along to all your women friends and urge them
to do the same.

ladycoldfire @ 2008-09-17T07:32:00

2008-09-17T11:33:21Z

Another egg or two to show love to

ladycoldfire @ 2008-09-16T19:40:00

2008-09-16T23:43:24Z

Don't mind me.....I need to get a dragon egg some love.

ladycoldfire @ 2008-09-16T12:34:00

2008-09-16T16:37:33Z

Happiest of Birthdays to my dearest sweetest

STRANGEMODEGIRL!

I hope your day rocks your socks off!

(sorry left my LJ stuff cheat sheet at home :()

Yeah Yeah Yeah.....

2008-08-24T22:18:53Z

I'm one of them...but I'm a cool one!.....I think?

Don't think mine are...

2008-07-20T13:47:00Z

but hey better safe than sorry eh?

Remove any and all posts indexed from this journal by/to Ljfind.

10 years ago today......July 19, 1998

2008-07-19T12:18:13Z

Dear Daddy,

Ten years ago today, I lost you. It was the middle of bad heat and there was a very early knock on my door on a Sunday morning. It was your brother, my beloved Uncle F looking so bereft. It was not my grandmother as I asked, but his voice broke when he told me it was you. That had to be one of the most awful moments in his life...telling his niece that her father/his brother was gone from this plane far too early just shy of his 62nd birthday. There were very good friends that day both online, and in present - Pam and Ryan - who kept me from shattering, watched LD and just held me when I needed it. I owe them and my daughter my life. I would not be here but for them and the fact that each time I broke down that day, my lil 5.5 year old just could not handle seeing her hero lose her stuff. I got on a plane with my daughter and flew back to FL to lay you to rest...or send you off.

So many things have happened in the past 10 years. Part of me knows you have been keeping an eye on us. I'd like to think you sit there in the Summerlands with Scott's dad and kibbutz over things.

Let's see, I've made friends, lost friends, I moved cross country. Just packed up or tossed out pieces of my life there and moved back east. I've not regretted it. And I moved again in 2003....when I met my beloved Scott. Dad, I'm sure you had a hand in this. I KNOW you would or already do just love him. What's not to love? He putters around the house like you do, likes to fix things in his spare time, works with computers, loves me and he adores your only granddaughter and loves her and protects her more fiercely than if he had been there at her creation. Of course it goes both ways. LD adores her daddy and says that she got the dad she should have had all along. And ten years have passed in LD's life too! She's finished her freshman year in high school. She's completed her novice year of rowing on the crew team for her high school. She's phenominal, caring, giving, loving, smart, sarcastic (wonder where she gets that from Dad? ;)) and I'm proud to be her mom. I know you are as proud of her too.

I just wish you had been there side by side cheering us on when she rowed, or played viola in the school recital, or sings in the choir. I wish you had been there all those times in the past 10 years so I could hear your voice tell me things will all work out. But then if you had not passed away 10 years ago today, I would have never realized how unhappy I was back there and never found the courage to move, and never found Scott. But gods I miss you.

They say the first year after someone's passing is the hardest. And I tell folks that as well. Those first anniversaries of special dates and occasions where the missing presence is felt the most. They say it does not hurt any less...this loss we feel, but only that our skins grow tougher and we can deal with the pain better. Somedays I can...today I cannot. Yoday it's just as fresh to me now as it was that very moment whenI got the news. It cuts like a knife.

So I'll take down that white mailing box that has half your ashes, and I'll light some candles for you today. I'll have some sweetened tea in your honor as you drank that so often. And I miss ya daddy....I still question sometimes why you left so soon....but I know that it had to for other things to happen...all good things. But I guess I'll see you again in the Summerlands.

So I'll close with posting again a poem that I wrote after you passed, right before your birthday. I've not been able to write anything since that I thought as brilliant.

"Uniform"

your jacket hangs in my closet
four gold stripes around the sleeve
red ribbon on the lapel
I walked the strike line with you
I lean in and breathe deep
the traces of your existence

I look at you now
as you sit upon my bookshelf
surrounded by books that
were once yours and are now mine
in a plain white box
that i do not have the courage to open
for if I do I shall break
into a million pieces
never to be whole again

I suppose I should place you
in a wooden box
with a plaque of brass
to state that you were here
the graffiti of those gone before us
a talisman for the living

I go through the days
and catch a trace of the scent
you used to wear
on someone else instead
and I remember with a smile
how you used to look
my hero in his uniform
off to some faraway place
cap on your head
wings of bronze on your heart
you have new wings now
and I smile remembering you
while I hold
your uniform

Love,

Your first born

So....

2008-07-10T17:23:04Z

Slight catch up in the Coldieverse.

A few weeks back we had some back care/chiro people come and give free assessments along with lovely chair massages. Now I already know my back is fubar'ed but I'm a sucker for a free chair massage. So one of the things they had me do was stand on a double scale. One foot on each pad and the numbers on the scales came up about 34 pounds different. My right side weighs more than my left. This was a lil flag for the doctor who was there. So they offered me a free x-ray. I went and got that last Tuesday. The x-rays show? well my neck has whiplash that has never been addressed. This would be from the accident over 2.5 years ago. Oh and there is a tiny bone fragment floating around...beginnings of arthritis in the neck and osteoporosis. Wait...it gets better!

Then I get to the back x-rays. Yeah my hips are not matching up on each side. I think I could have predicted that one since I've had lower back probs from that paper incident at Goodwill. BUT....I have beginning scoliosis. yeah you can see it plain as day in the x-rays. The curve is to the right in the upper back and to the left in the lower. The left ribs are dropped, but I think that is from the accident. I think this is from my body trying to compensate for injuries from the accident.

So I went to Kaiser (the evil empire) yesterday on my first day off onthe new schedule, to bring the x-rays to new Primary Care Dr and see if she would authorize a referral to Physical Therapy. The back care place is a Physical Therapy place among many things he this Dr thinks with temporary orthotics and adjustments and PT he can correct this slight curve that is beginning. I'd like to see that happen. I don't want to wear a brace even at night and I don't want surgery. Or a humpback. So she saw the x-rays and agreed. PT to start and authorized a referral. The back care place is maybe a block from my office AND on the Kaiser refferal system so I gave the Dr their practitioner number and asked to be referred there so I can go right after work when I'm up here. Sorry I live over an hour away and I'm so not racing home to make an appointment down where I live. I want to see this guy. So cross fingers, light candles, and get that bucket of KFC for Jobu that I get the referral to the place I want to go.

Other news...the LD is home from row camp and I missed her so. She's your usual teenager...loves the world, shoots mom dirty looks sometimes. Crushes on the cute boys on Deadliest Catch. I have a new work schedule so I can try and save gas. 4 - 10 hr days a week. Mon, Tues on...Weds off...Thurs and Friday on. Weekend off. I tried 4 10 hr days straight and it really wears me down.

Let's see...finished the Herbal 3 class! YAY! I'm fully attuned as a Reiki Master/Teacher now. I'm so proud of this. Found a GREAT Indian food place with lunch buffet right near work, but I can't go unless it's a Holiday week when I work regular hours. But I know I'm going!

I smell fabulous thanks to BPAL...I've made new friends. Keeping old ones...no one is ever really old to me.

And thus goes the Coldieverse