I'm so tired of losing people.
We lost my honorary Father-in-law yesterday. Jack was fighting 2 different cancers. He seizured as Phyllis was driving him to the hospital early before his next chemo.
Let me tell you the story of how Jack and Phyllis came into our lives. Scott has known them for over 15 years now. They are the type of people that love everyone. After 43 years of marriage they still hold hands, they do everything together, they don't raise their voices, they gaze madly into each other's eyes. Oh geds I want that to be Scott and I and have long years together. When Scott lost his dad 11 years ago, they took him and held him close and he became the 3rd son. They made sure he did not hole up alone. When Scott met me, Phyllis was planning the wedding already. They adopted LD as their 4th granddaughter. DNA or blood was not their defining factor for family. THey adopted me as their daughter/in law. So to hear Scott break down in tears on the phone with me as I was driving home from a meet-n-sniff broke my heart. Scott is a man not afraid to cry over something that hits him deeply. I love him for this and so many other things. Jack is a tough ole bird. It's not supposed to be him. Not now. LD is devistated. It's the 2nd grandpa she's had that she's lost after 5 years of knowing him.
So we went over to the house as soon as I could get home. We spent the evening holding each other. We were greeted by John...his eldest. Scott and I held him and said we've done this one before and we'll help him thru. We wish he did not have to go thru this one. There was Rachel who said her pawpaw was to dance with her at her wedding later this year. Or to hold her babies. There was Valerie doing that woulda should coulda thing I did. All the things they were saying was the same things I went thru 10 years ago and it breaks my heart. So, I held, and stroked and cried and sent reiki, and helped them tell stories, and told them laughing kept Jack right there in that room with them at that moment. And Phyllis who is constantly shaking her leg in nervous energy...calmed after I help her hand and rubbed her back. She told me I was so calming to her, enough so that she was going to eat a cracker and some cheese. I'll hold her hand for days if it gets her to stop shaking and to eat something. She's numb and all cried out. It happened when she was driving him. She's a nurse too. She's also fighting her own health demon. LD spent the night because the other granddaughters were spending the night. She wants to comfort Grandma. But she's barely holding it together herself. My heart grieves Jack so very much. I love and adore both he and Phyllis who have welcomed LD and I into their family the moment Scott told them he fell in love with us. I grieve for the girls. I grieve for their sons. I grieve for Phyllis who has lost her best friend, her other half, her lover, her husband. Scott and I should be so lucky to have a love and relationship like theirs. Now more than ever I gotta marry him. Now more than ever I gotta make MMG work so I can.
I could not sleep after a while. Jack's name was running thru my head. When we were pulling up to the house last night a very strong wind pushed the car. It had not been windy. It was Jack. He's not ready yet. He had a few more things to tie up. But he was there last night. We felt him. I told them..he's not gone, he just changed form. He's energy all around us now. That seemed to help a bit. We'll toast him again today. We toasted him with his Johnnie Walker Black last night. We'll raise one up and pour one on the ground for him.
Scott and I will head out later and grab food for them. Stuff easy to heat up because cooking and eating are the last things on their mind. And we'll hold people, and cry. And bring the Costco sized case of Puff's Plus. LD grabbed abox from our stash last night and when she walked in with it, they thanked her for the first practical thing brought. :) WE'll be bringing more. Scott's hurting pretty bad. I will be there for him. I'm hurting damn bad too. He'll be there for me. WE'll be there for LD. Oh she's really taking it so bad.
I need to ground and re-charge my energy center, so that I can help calm again today. I know this drill....I wish I did not know this drill.
Okay Jack...no goodbyes. Just I love ya and see ya later. You are not gone, you just changed energy forms. But I miss you. Oh boy do I miss you.
Let me tell you the story of how Jack and Phyllis came into our lives. Scott has known them for over 15 years now. They are the type of people that love everyone. After 43 years of marriage they still hold hands, they do everything together, they don't raise their voices, they gaze madly into each other's eyes. Oh geds I want that to be Scott and I and have long years together. When Scott lost his dad 11 years ago, they took him and held him close and he became the 3rd son. They made sure he did not hole up alone. When Scott met me, Phyllis was planning the wedding already. They adopted LD as their 4th granddaughter. DNA or blood was not their defining factor for family. THey adopted me as their daughter/in law. So to hear Scott break down in tears on the phone with me as I was driving home from a meet-n-sniff broke my heart. Scott is a man not afraid to cry over something that hits him deeply. I love him for this and so many other things. Jack is a tough ole bird. It's not supposed to be him. Not now. LD is devistated. It's the 2nd grandpa she's had that she's lost after 5 years of knowing him.
So we went over to the house as soon as I could get home. We spent the evening holding each other. We were greeted by John...his eldest. Scott and I held him and said we've done this one before and we'll help him thru. We wish he did not have to go thru this one. There was Rachel who said her pawpaw was to dance with her at her wedding later this year. Or to hold her babies. There was Valerie doing that woulda should coulda thing I did. All the things they were saying was the same things I went thru 10 years ago and it breaks my heart. So, I held, and stroked and cried and sent reiki, and helped them tell stories, and told them laughing kept Jack right there in that room with them at that moment. And Phyllis who is constantly shaking her leg in nervous energy...calmed after I help her hand and rubbed her back. She told me I was so calming to her, enough so that she was going to eat a cracker and some cheese. I'll hold her hand for days if it gets her to stop shaking and to eat something. She's numb and all cried out. It happened when she was driving him. She's a nurse too. She's also fighting her own health demon. LD spent the night because the other granddaughters were spending the night. She wants to comfort Grandma. But she's barely holding it together herself. My heart grieves Jack so very much. I love and adore both he and Phyllis who have welcomed LD and I into their family the moment Scott told them he fell in love with us. I grieve for the girls. I grieve for their sons. I grieve for Phyllis who has lost her best friend, her other half, her lover, her husband. Scott and I should be so lucky to have a love and relationship like theirs. Now more than ever I gotta marry him. Now more than ever I gotta make MMG work so I can.
I could not sleep after a while. Jack's name was running thru my head. When we were pulling up to the house last night a very strong wind pushed the car. It had not been windy. It was Jack. He's not ready yet. He had a few more things to tie up. But he was there last night. We felt him. I told them..he's not gone, he just changed form. He's energy all around us now. That seemed to help a bit. We'll toast him again today. We toasted him with his Johnnie Walker Black last night. We'll raise one up and pour one on the ground for him.
Scott and I will head out later and grab food for them. Stuff easy to heat up because cooking and eating are the last things on their mind. And we'll hold people, and cry. And bring the Costco sized case of Puff's Plus. LD grabbed abox from our stash last night and when she walked in with it, they thanked her for the first practical thing brought. :) WE'll be bringing more. Scott's hurting pretty bad. I will be there for him. I'm hurting damn bad too. He'll be there for me. WE'll be there for LD. Oh she's really taking it so bad.
I need to ground and re-charge my energy center, so that I can help calm again today. I know this drill....I wish I did not know this drill.
Okay Jack...no goodbyes. Just I love ya and see ya later. You are not gone, you just changed energy forms. But I miss you. Oh boy do I miss you.