10 years ago today......July 19, 1998
Dear Daddy,
Ten years ago today, I lost you. It was the middle of bad heat and there was a very early knock on my door on a Sunday morning. It was your brother, my beloved Uncle F looking so bereft. It was not my grandmother as I asked, but his voice broke when he told me it was you. That had to be one of the most awful moments in his life...telling his niece that her father/his brother was gone from this plane far too early just shy of his 62nd birthday. There were very good friends that day both online, and in present - Pam and Ryan - who kept me from shattering, watched LD and just held me when I needed it. I owe them and my daughter my life. I would not be here but for them and the fact that each time I broke down that day, my lil 5.5 year old just could not handle seeing her hero lose her stuff. I got on a plane with my daughter and flew back to FL to lay you to rest...or send you off.
So many things have happened in the past 10 years. Part of me knows you have been keeping an eye on us. I'd like to think you sit there in the Summerlands with Scott's dad and kibbutz over things.
Let's see, I've made friends, lost friends, I moved cross country. Just packed up or tossed out pieces of my life there and moved back east. I've not regretted it. And I moved again in 2003....when I met my beloved Scott. Dad, I'm sure you had a hand in this. I KNOW you would or already do just love him. What's not to love? He putters around the house like you do, likes to fix things in his spare time, works with computers, loves me and he adores your only granddaughter and loves her and protects her more fiercely than if he had been there at her creation. Of course it goes both ways. LD adores her daddy and says that she got the dad she should have had all along. And ten years have passed in LD's life too! She's finished her freshman year in high school. She's completed her novice year of rowing on the crew team for her high school. She's phenominal, caring, giving, loving, smart, sarcastic (wonder where she gets that from Dad? ;)) and I'm proud to be her mom. I know you are as proud of her too.
I just wish you had been there side by side cheering us on when she rowed, or played viola in the school recital, or sings in the choir. I wish you had been there all those times in the past 10 years so I could hear your voice tell me things will all work out. But then if you had not passed away 10 years ago today, I would have never realized how unhappy I was back there and never found the courage to move, and never found Scott. But gods I miss you.
They say the first year after someone's passing is the hardest. And I tell folks that as well. Those first anniversaries of special dates and occasions where the missing presence is felt the most. They say it does not hurt any less...this loss we feel, but only that our skins grow tougher and we can deal with the pain better. Somedays I can...today I cannot. Yoday it's just as fresh to me now as it was that very moment whenI got the news. It cuts like a knife.
So I'll take down that white mailing box that has half your ashes, and I'll light some candles for you today. I'll have some sweetened tea in your honor as you drank that so often. And I miss ya daddy....I still question sometimes why you left so soon....but I know that it had to for other things to happen...all good things. But I guess I'll see you again in the Summerlands.
So I'll close with posting again a poem that I wrote after you passed, right before your birthday. I've not been able to write anything since that I thought as brilliant.
"Uniform"
your jacket hangs in my closet
four gold stripes around the sleeve
red ribbon on the lapel
I walked the strike line with you
I lean in and breathe deep
the traces of your existence
I look at you now
as you sit upon my bookshelf
surrounded by books that
were once yours and are now mine
in a plain white box
that i do not have the courage to open
for if I do I shall break
into a million pieces
never to be whole again
I suppose I should place you
in a wooden box
with a plaque of brass
to state that you were here
the graffiti of those gone before us
a talisman for the living
I go through the days
and catch a trace of the scent
you used to wear
on someone else instead
and I remember with a smile
how you used to look
my hero in his uniform
off to some faraway place
cap on your head
wings of bronze on your heart
you have new wings now
and I smile remembering you
while I hold
your uniform
Love,
Your first born
Ten years ago today, I lost you. It was the middle of bad heat and there was a very early knock on my door on a Sunday morning. It was your brother, my beloved Uncle F looking so bereft. It was not my grandmother as I asked, but his voice broke when he told me it was you. That had to be one of the most awful moments in his life...telling his niece that her father/his brother was gone from this plane far too early just shy of his 62nd birthday. There were very good friends that day both online, and in present - Pam and Ryan - who kept me from shattering, watched LD and just held me when I needed it. I owe them and my daughter my life. I would not be here but for them and the fact that each time I broke down that day, my lil 5.5 year old just could not handle seeing her hero lose her stuff. I got on a plane with my daughter and flew back to FL to lay you to rest...or send you off.
So many things have happened in the past 10 years. Part of me knows you have been keeping an eye on us. I'd like to think you sit there in the Summerlands with Scott's dad and kibbutz over things.
Let's see, I've made friends, lost friends, I moved cross country. Just packed up or tossed out pieces of my life there and moved back east. I've not regretted it. And I moved again in 2003....when I met my beloved Scott. Dad, I'm sure you had a hand in this. I KNOW you would or already do just love him. What's not to love? He putters around the house like you do, likes to fix things in his spare time, works with computers, loves me and he adores your only granddaughter and loves her and protects her more fiercely than if he had been there at her creation. Of course it goes both ways. LD adores her daddy and says that she got the dad she should have had all along. And ten years have passed in LD's life too! She's finished her freshman year in high school. She's completed her novice year of rowing on the crew team for her high school. She's phenominal, caring, giving, loving, smart, sarcastic (wonder where she gets that from Dad? ;)) and I'm proud to be her mom. I know you are as proud of her too.
I just wish you had been there side by side cheering us on when she rowed, or played viola in the school recital, or sings in the choir. I wish you had been there all those times in the past 10 years so I could hear your voice tell me things will all work out. But then if you had not passed away 10 years ago today, I would have never realized how unhappy I was back there and never found the courage to move, and never found Scott. But gods I miss you.
They say the first year after someone's passing is the hardest. And I tell folks that as well. Those first anniversaries of special dates and occasions where the missing presence is felt the most. They say it does not hurt any less...this loss we feel, but only that our skins grow tougher and we can deal with the pain better. Somedays I can...today I cannot. Yoday it's just as fresh to me now as it was that very moment whenI got the news. It cuts like a knife.
So I'll take down that white mailing box that has half your ashes, and I'll light some candles for you today. I'll have some sweetened tea in your honor as you drank that so often. And I miss ya daddy....I still question sometimes why you left so soon....but I know that it had to for other things to happen...all good things. But I guess I'll see you again in the Summerlands.
So I'll close with posting again a poem that I wrote after you passed, right before your birthday. I've not been able to write anything since that I thought as brilliant.
"Uniform"
your jacket hangs in my closet
four gold stripes around the sleeve
red ribbon on the lapel
I walked the strike line with you
I lean in and breathe deep
the traces of your existence
I look at you now
as you sit upon my bookshelf
surrounded by books that
were once yours and are now mine
in a plain white box
that i do not have the courage to open
for if I do I shall break
into a million pieces
never to be whole again
I suppose I should place you
in a wooden box
with a plaque of brass
to state that you were here
the graffiti of those gone before us
a talisman for the living
I go through the days
and catch a trace of the scent
you used to wear
on someone else instead
and I remember with a smile
how you used to look
my hero in his uniform
off to some faraway place
cap on your head
wings of bronze on your heart
you have new wings now
and I smile remembering you
while I hold
your uniform
Love,
Your first born