You think you've won this fight, you've only lost your mind.

Writer's Block: Once upon a time…

kit84 — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 14:12:20 GMT

Ahh, crap. I have two. So I’m gonna post both. :p

Sam Vimes sighed when he heard the scream, but he finished shaving before he did anything about it.
--Nightwatch by Terry Pratchett

And:

It was a nice day.
--Good Omens by Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.

kit84 — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 15:13:48 GMT

Flist cut (done).

No major issues, just tidying, cut things I don't read anymore, and people who I've lost touch with/haven't spoken to in years.

Am at work, and it was quick so erm...may have been overzealous/clicked the wrong box :-S And if I was, I apologise! PM's are open so shout me if I've made a mistake, post is comment-locked because nobody's really won anything by 'making it through the cut' :p

kit84 — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 02:35:48 GMT

I love rum.

I love my flist, ya'll are awesome, you know that right? I don't comment nearly enough, but I's reading and I know this to be true ♥ (YAY! I still know HTML!)

I love geekily changing tenses, even if it is a stupidly long fic and I should have thought of this before it got so fucking huge to the point of unmanageable for a fucking oneshot.

Rum is awesome. Spiced rum. With ice and ginger. *wanders off in search of another*

My nose isn't numb *beams happily and bops self on nose*

/random update

Meme: Top Fives

kit84 — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 12:01:20 GMT

I moan about not having time and work being busy....and then it slows down and I get a lazy-ish day....yay?!

From Madam_Minnie -- Top Five Kinks (in no particular order):

- Asphyxiation *has nice thoughts about Jared's neck and Shannon's hands*
- Bare feet while fully dressed .... idk either. It's not a foot fetish so much as a relaxed/at home fetish. Is one of those innoculous innocent things that just...gets to me. In the good way.)
- Rough sex / angry sex / jealousy sex / animalistic sex ... *has lots of nice thoughts*
- Dub-con and non-con -- really, the sneakier and more fucked up, the more I seem to like it? Esp if it's more mentally dub-con rather than outright.
- Masochism, especially in the weird wiring kind of way rather than the pure sub kinda way. *muses* Although the latter is also hot, so long as I know that the character is both sub and mascohist, rather than sub in the hands of a sadist. Erm...sorta like, functional dysfunction?

From Luzestrella and Erialcgrove -- Top Five Male Vocalists: (in some semblance of order and YAY! This means I can haz ten!!)

- Brent Smith (Shinedown): Constantly amazes me, srsly. And has one of those voices that I'm thinking 'THIS WILL BE AMAZING TO SING ALONG TO IN THE CAR' and then I try. And FAIL in the most fail-tastic failing way possible. And worse, I can hear myself failing which means I'm pretty much sounding like someone's murdering a cat. *shakes head* deceptively simple but trying to sing along to 'The Crow and the Butterfly' is fucking difficult. And some acoustic: I Dare You.

- Corey Taylor: (solo, Stone Sour and Slipknot) I can (and will actually) listen to this man sing all day, every day. Just...fuck, it's the growlyness combined with the neckstraining-ness and just...how he can go from something as loud as 30/30 150 to something as beautful as 'Bother' *

- Rufus Wainright: Hallalujah. 'nuff said. *sniffles a little bit*

- Maynard James Keenan (Tool, A Perfect Circle and Puscifer): I have a playlist labelled 'Fuck' which contains songs to write smut to (among other things) and there is a LOT of MJK. Srsly. Rev: 22:20 is like...fuck me, pure fucking dirty-hot fucking.

- Marko Saaresto (Poets of the Fall): Carnival of Rust, 'nuff said.

- Chris Cornell (Solo, Audioslave, Soundgarden): again with voices I want to lick and do nasty things to (even if I've never really ~liked~ his solo stuffs. Am sorta spoilt for choice as to which to upload :/ *gives up*

- Jon Bon Jovi: Blaze of Glory *adores* (connection is fuxxed atm...uploads may be few and far between and frankly, ya'll shoulda heard these).

- Meatloaf: Bat. Out. Of. Hell. *dies and is dead*

- J. Loren Wince (HURT): First time I heard HURT, I was hooked. Love the range of this guy, going from pretty, pretty Alone with the Sea to the harder (but still pretty) Overdose

- And for #10, the ones that didn't quite make the cut (in no order whatsoever): Salvatore Paul "Sully" Erna (Godsmack), Rob Thomas... *sigh* *recalls the early days of MB20 fondly*, Dave Wyndorf (Monster Magnet), Shaun Morgan (Seether) *melts*, Dax Riggs (Acid Bath), Bert McCracken (The Used), Tim McIlrath (Rise Against), Lou Gramm (Foreigner), Jared Leto (30stm), Bryan Adams, Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers), Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails), Johnny Rzeznik (Goo Goo Dolls), Aaron Lewis (Staind), James Labrie (Dream Theater), Myles Kennedy (Alter Bridge), Mike Patton, Ray Charles, Eddie Vedder (pearl jam), Stephen Lynch...strangely. It may just be the gurning that has me fooled. And just...I give up. *facepalm*

* Kit may have slightly odd definition of 'beautiful'

From Kleemoon: Um ... top 5 positions ... no ... top 5 dicks you've seen ... no ... how about Top 5 Men you like to drool over ... yep, that's the one.

Positions (explained through the very NSFW artwork of PL Nunn):

- face down, ass up
- Fuck knows, but I like it
- Sorta Missionary almost?
- This, so, so this
- Am sure most people could have guessed this one...

Dicks:

Am leaving this blank for when I'm actually drunk enough to go into TMI territory :p

Top Five Droolworthy Men-folk:

- Jared&Shannon (see whut I did thar?)

- Jenson&Jared (and again. Ya rly they come in pairs.)

- Jepharee Howard (I think it's the tatts...)

- Jax Teller (Sons of Anarchy)

- David Tennant (As teh Doctor):

Also from Kleemoon: Top 5 squicks in slash:

- Chicks with Dicks *snickers* Overfeminising guys basically *is not a fan*

- Foodsmut *shudders*

- Overly flowery euphamisms for various and very specific body parts. ;)

- Certain words, 'turgid' being one of them but there are a few others. :/

- Humiliation, sexual and public and just... *runs for back button*

From Antontobias86: Top 5 film characters you love?

- Conner and Murphy MacManus (Boondock Saints); awesome movie and I just adore the dynamic between these two. Proper anti-heroes in the best way possible.

- Nick West (Devils Chair); *giggles* just so completely fucked in the head and brilliant dialog. Really, really brilliant dialog.

- Grace Trevethyn (Saving Grace); such a feel-good movie and Grace is amazing and still has a certain naivity/innocence even by the end, which is amusing considering.

- Anton Gorodetsky (Nightwatch); Love, love, love this movie (which is not something I ever thought I'd say about Russian Cinema), but honestly, totally my kind of anti-hero, right down to the lives in a shithole *amused*

- Soap (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels) - There was not enough Soap in the film. Trufax. In fact, a whole film dedicated to Soap, would not be enough. *fangirls*

From Lizz_88 Top five guilty pleasures:

- *shudders* Teen chick flicks. I hate them. But I have to watch them.

- Creme Brulee and/or Cheesecake. Can't resist them for shit. :(

- Sporked badfic, any fandom, any pairing, love a good sporking... :p

- Fluff fics. Especially getting together fluffy fics. So long as they're somewhat realistic with buckets of UST. *WEG*

- Erm....I think that's it? Porn? I nots really feel guilty for that... :/ Lurking?!

From Mlady_rebecca: Top five random things that make you smile.

- Replies, comments, emails, pms, about anything, and especially out of the blue ones.

- Nice customers. :p

- Uploaded music

- New notebooks

- Letters/parcels/snail mail that isn't bills. Either sending or recieving.

From Echelon_Razor: Top 5 people you want to see Jared Leto with that aren't (and have never been) in his band.

- Matt Cortez (is kinda MCR?!?!)

- Jepharee Howard (see waaaaay above)

- Dr Who. *thinks Jared would make an awesome companion*

- Angelina Jolie (if only to fufil my Phai/Olympus wish, I know, I know, 'ewwwww het' *eyeroll*)

- Synyster Gates

Meme: Top Fives

kit84 — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 13:35:14 GMT

*is in need of distraction today* Ganked from madam_minnie

Ask me my fannish Top Five. Any top fives. Doesn't matter what, really! And I will answer them all in a new post...

Rant: Darkfics, mindfucks and warnings.

kit84 — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 12:30:47 GMT

Dear Fandom/Internets at large,

Let me tell you a story;

Once upon a time in a land not so different from this one, there was a little girl that couldn’t read. Although, didn’t want to, would be more accurate, why should she learn to read when her mother would read out loud to her? Only, her mother stopped reading to her, bought her the next book in the series and refused to read it. For weeks, for both the girl and her mother were just as stubborn as each other. Then the little girl, desperately wanting to find out what happened to her beloved characters next, tentatively picked up the book and began to read.

It wasn’t as hard as the girl imagined and she soon learnt to read properly, without asking her mother what this word or that meant, and found that she loved reading. She didn’t have to wait for someone to read to her, she could pick up a book whenever she wanted! And over the next few years, the little girl devoured any book she could lay her hands on, regardless of genre.

Some she liked, some she didn’t, some were forgettable and some still terrified her later when laying in bed.

Some books, she liked the flights of fancy, knowing that unicorns and dragons and princesses trapped in towers didn’t really exist. Some she liked because the characters had to overcome so much, no matter how scary and heartbreaking, and some she liked because the characters didn’t quite ever manage to overcome everything, and she liked those because there was something real about them. The ones that scared her, made her cry, the ones that made her laugh out loud or heart swell at all the warm fuzzies in the books.

But like all little girls, she grew up and didn’t have quite as much time to read as she once did. So she became more picky, found authors she liked and read everything they’d written, found series’ by multiple authors and devoured those. She liked the ones that would stay with her the most, the ones that would make her think or leave her on edge even after she’d put the book down. The scary and the fantastical, King, Pike, Pierce, Rogers, Pratchett, Shelley, Harris, Koontz, Barker, Rice, Stoker, Lee, Smith and Hamilton, ranging from laugh out loud funny to downright scary-twisty.

And the little girl grew up some more and then even more and eventually, at seventeen discovered fanfiction and slash. It really wasn’t such a big leap and look! Here and here! Fantastically long novel length stories about her favourite characters and there was barely a word out of place. The girl soon discovered that there were some types of fanfic that she didn’t like, didn’t want to read; the badly written and poorly executed ones that made no sense to her and she avoided these if she could and found writers that she did like and trust.

She devoured fanfiction as much as she’d devoured any published book, preferring some genre’s or pairings over others but using the warnings as guide. Sometimes, sometimes though, she would come across warnings and summary’s that would chill her to the very bone, that people would dare to write something so…disgusting about characters that she loved. But the girl was a curious sort, and clicked and read these stories too. Maybe it was luck, or fluke, or fate, but these stories, these subjects that should have disgusted her, did in fact disgust her as she read, were so well written and executed that it was impossible for her not feel for the characters. It made her uncomfortable that she was reading this or that without being outraged, as much as she loved the ones that made her cry, or the ones that still scared her in bed later.

So the girl looked for more of these stories, the dark, the twisted, the mindfucks, because the feelings they conjured, the reactions they pulled from her, weren’t all that different from the books she had read growing up.

~ ~ ~ ~

Yes, the little girl is me. And really, there is a point to this as I’m sure a lot of people have picked up on already.

I like Darkfics.

I like mindfucks. I don’t mind squickfics. If I ever had a line, it’s probably long gone.

This does not make me sick or twisted or wrong in the head. I may be sick or twisted or wrong in the head, but that’s a whole different story and has very little to do with what I like to read and write.

A well written dark/mindfuck fic for me is something that will stay with me after I’ve finished reading, something that will bounce around my head later and make me think. I like that feeling, I like the feeling of reading something and getting to the end of a fic and literally being lost for words because…because there are no words to properly convey the jumble-mix of emotions that’re tailspinning in my head.

Or the feeling that I shouldn’t be reading something, shouldn’t be liking it anyway or finding it pretty but it’s so well written I can’t help but find some beauty in it.

I love the ambiguous endings, the…’holy fuck. But…but…but is the clown real?! What happens next?!!?!?’

I read, and loved, the deathfic that no one saw coming because despite the warnings, the premise and the summary the author distracted and lulled everyone into a false sense of security so absolutely perfectly that the ending was devastating.

I like exploring outside my comfort zone, through reading or writing and I don’t see it as hating the characters to put them through some really, really bad things. Y’know what, sometimes they survive and sometimes they don’t, and sometimes a bit of realism is just as good as the flights of fancy. I like that this goes both ways, I like the balance. Hell, I don’t even dislike fluff half as much as I sometimes portray, it’s kind of like my dirty little secret, heroin-like-fluff addiction and I know exactly where to go if I want the kosher stuff.

But back to the darker stuffs. Exploring comfort zones and engaging readers or some such.

The world is not made of cotton candy and rainbows. People are not made of sugar and spice. Art imitates life imitates art and so on and so forth.

So while yes, there is a place for cotton candy, rainbow, sugar and spice fic. I want there to be a place for the totally not cotton candy, rainbow, sugar and spice fics too. Sometimes escapism is good, and sometimes I want gritty and realistic. Swings in roundabouts I guess. But people have dark sides, not everyone’s good, and lets face it, there are some fucking twisted people out there, so…why not occasionally have a fic about it?

Not everyone is going to like it, not everyone is going to like everything. It's subjective and there's no blame or shame there, but...just because I dislike foodsmut and 90% of fluff fics? Does not mean I want people to stop writing them or want them to go write them over there and out of my way.

Am taking something I’ve said before and expanding on it here too:

Darkfics, mindfucks, etc etc all resonate a little more deeply within me just purely because of their nature. I have a morbid fascination with mental illness and darker side of human nature and those are showcased better in darker stuff, they get more room to grow and expand. I like reading gritty things, and I tend to find darker stuff more...meaty? More plottier than most other things and my teeth sink a little more deeply into them because of that.

I like seeing the bar raised/pushed back, I like seeing how people think character A would react under darker circumstances, when they're pushed, and sometimes they come out of it unscathed, and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes things have happy endings and y’know what, sometimes they don’t.

Mind fuck's are usually dark and I fucking love the feeling when a writer pulls the metaphysical rug out from under my feet. I love finishing a fic and sitting back and just being absolutely stunned for whatever reason because the twist or whatever was just that fucking good. The way they'll play around in my head, teasing and taunting and just, yeah, the fics that get right up under your skin and don't go away for weeks. *adores*

Writing's...I don't think there should be limit's to what can and can't be written just because the subject matter is disturbing or taboo. Writing does not, or shouldn't always, reflect the writers own morals, desires or mindset. So if I write about Character A being tortured, raped and dying? Doesn’t mean I don’t like character A and hope that he gets raped and murdered. Really, it doesn’t. (I love Character A, he’s always been my favourite). It's that the idea came into my head, I liked where it was going and went with it. Sometimes, sometimes you build up a character and a premise so absolutely that there is very little way you can change the ending because it’s purely driven by the characters and they don’t want happy-ever-after.

And there is no sodding way I’m pushing characters into an ending that they don’t want. That doesn’t fit. Because likelyhood is? It will mean completely overhauling characters and making them OOC compared to what I’ve already written, and I’m sorry, but no. I’ll stop writing long before doing that.

I tend to view darkfic/mindfuck writing as a skill in the sense that the writer can step that far outside of their own head, innate morals and upbringing. That said, I can understand why people don’t want to read things like this, can understand why people don’t want to see them, don’t understand them or don’t see any creative/artistic merit within them, but that does not make the fics or the writers wrong or sick or twisted. It makes them different.

So long as everything is warned for correctly, it is then up to the reader to choose whether or not to read and blame or shame cannot be left at the writers doorstep if the reader finds something they dislike in that respect. Don’t like, don’t read is often thrown about, and often—in my opinion—wrongly thrown about too, but I do believe it relates to warnings. If the warnings are correctly used anyway, which they should be.

If I warn for heterosexual incestuous necrophilia, I mean that there is heterosexual incestuous necrophilia within the fic. So if you dislike heterosexual incestuous necrophilia or any one of those, be it necro or het or whatever, you probably shouldn’t read. I understand the curiosity to do of course, suffered from it myself and is probably why I’m so damn hard to squick now, but don’t blame the writers, kthnx? Just because you don’t like something, does not make it wrong.

If we cut out everything that anyone ever found distasteful; dark fics, mindfucks, sickly sweet ‘I love yous’, crying, gay sex, any sex, tongues, foodsmut, creative license of any kind, etc etc, you know what we’d be left with?

The End.

/rant.

Will whore for music

kit84 — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:55:52 GMT

Wanted: Loud-bang-y, in your face, fuck the world music.

*bats lashes*

Sugguestions welcome.

Playlist currently contains Rise Against, Godsmack, Metallica, Skid Row, Acid Bath, Atomic Bitchwax, Saliva, Seether, Sentanced and SOiL.

Will write fic/post music/otherwise whore self out for winning musics :p

Free Music & Kynxspirations Pimping

kit84 — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 17:37:55 GMT

I think I'm posting more this week than I managed for the entire months of November and December? Heh.

K, so pimping first I think. :D

kynxspirations is running a Multi-fandom Anti-Valentines (so no happily-ever-afters) day fic challenge and we'd really love it if people wanted to join in/play.

The rules are pretty loose and we've got a whole list of Prompts to choose from--either for writing or requesting a fic for (anti) valentines day :)

More info, sign-up info and prompts can be found here

It's multi-fandom and we'll accept absolutely anything you can throw at us (even Het) *G* So, my multi-fandomed flist, there is no excuse :p Especially for you lot over there *narrows eyes at HP crowd* Yes you, I know how much you like your fests and challenges. Bunch of compulsive sign-er-uppers that you are :p

We're also doing daily 'drabbles' prompts (although for Jynx and I it's more of a bi-weekly ficlet *eyeroll* we're winning no prizes for sticking to rules) if anyone wants to play that way :D

So, be it HP, Bandslash, Anime/manga, Original fiction or something completely different, it's all good.

</pimping>

And for lack of anything better to do... I'm giving away free music... :p

So, pick a number between 1 and 4893 and I'll upload the corresponding song from my music player for you ♥

ETA:

Firstly, please feel free to pick again.
Secondly, I make no apologies for my music collection :p Or the offensive material within it.
And uploaded songs so far:

334: PJ Harvey -- Angel
666: Stephen Lynch -- Bowling Song (Almighty Malachi)
888: Sepultura: Convicted in Life
868: Rise Against -- Collapse (Post Amerika)
228: Theory of a Deadman -- All or Nothing

kit84 — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 00:05:57 GMT

HAPPY 5th AUGUST!!!!!

Random: Picspam

kit84 — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:11:27 GMT

Cut to protect flist:

kit84 — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 00:13:23 GMT

Dear Random Russian people,

Why do you keep adding me? I don't get it. No message, nothing in common and yet...friended.

*baffled*

Anyone know wtf is going on?

*waves to flist that she actually knows* ♥

kit84 — Tue, 20 May 2008 22:32:53 GMT

OMGWTFuckery is rife.

Read an interesting wank yesterday (through various links) from someone disapproving on abusive chan-fics (one in particular). The usual likening them to pedophilia and MORAL OBLIGATIONS WE ALL HAVE.

Being the curious soul that I am, I read the fic in question. I liked it.

Basic premise: Older brother (say...13 or 14?) molests the younger (approx 7 or 8?). All from the younger siblings pov -- who doesn't really know/understand what's going on. It's...creepy. Because the 'normal' sibling affection is there - beginning, middle and end. The scenes at the beginning are kinda sweet.

And then the older brother molests the younger (not actual penetration, not even oral. But still non-con, even without taking into account statuary rape.)

I don't think it's meant to be titillating. I certainly did not go OMGSOHAWT. But then, I didn't call the writer a fucking pedophile either.

Rape is wrong. Child abuse is wrong. Murder is wrong. Abuse, drugs, stealing, bullying and countless other things are morally and/or legally wrong.

Writing something that deals with one of those subjects...well, I think there's a certain school of thought that means that the rapist/murderer/abuser must have a) reasons and b) be condemned and punished for it. And then everyone rides off into the sunset on a glittery unicorn.

*bites inside of cheek in thought*

Where's the fun in that? Where's the character exploration?

What if I want to write something from the rapist/murderer/abuser's pov? Not because I think it's 'hot' or condone those actions but simply because I want to test myself? Or think it's an...'interesting' character study?

Even morbidly interesting.

I don't have many squicks anymore. Possibly scat (although I'm sure in the hands of the right author I might change my mind or at least find it bearable). But...I just don't understand the condemnation that some fics (like this one) get. It's writing.

If things are warned for properly, then most people can adhere to the 'don't like, don't read' school of thought surely?

And even for the morbidly curious: 'didn't like, but at least I was warned'.

For me, I don't like that there seems to be this tendency - which I find myself coming across more and more frequently - to...almost put up invisible barriers. You can't write this. Or, you can but you have to write it this way. From this pov.

Well, that way has been done again and again - better than I could ever write - and wouldn't it be intriguing if it was done this way?

It's getting to the stage where I'm starting to think that moral obligations and societies 'norm' are going to seriously start to limit the writing process. Be it fandom or published. This thought troubles me. A lot.

I'm not saying that everything or even anything of what I and Jynx write is 'cutting edge' or wtf-ever. But, well, we do like to skirt the edges of kinks, taboos and occasional dark fic. What if we want to write something morally disturbing sometime in the future? I want the freedom explore that without getting branded a peodo or murderer or abuser or just plain sick.

Because newsflash kiddies: Fiction is not reality.

I've written and co-written rape, murder, seriously dub-con, incest, spousal abuse, drugging, cutting, alcoholism, glorified drug usage and some seriously morally skewered 'active karma'.

I've read - and thoroughly enjoyed (in a wow that was a mindfuck kinda way) - all of the above as well as child-abuse/molestion, bestiality, necrophilia and probably more.

And no, I don't condone any of it IRL. ~~Except for maybe the alcoholism and drug usage.~~

And if you made it through this; I applaud you.

M'not really sure what the point of this is tbh. I just needed to get it out in the open. But I am kind of curious; what squicks you guys?

I mean, completely and utterly? Where's the line for you? And I'm 99.9% sure that my ever wonderful flist knows the distinction between fiction and reality anyway. But what gets too much, even in fiction?

And does anyone really know the answer to why people feel the need to put boundaries on writing? Cuz if you do, please tell me? I'm still confused about that point.

Random fandom thoughts -- decaffeinated

kit84 — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 17:29:23 GMT

So, I've only had one coffee. It's...never a good thing to start thinking on just one cup of caffeine.

After ranting slightly already today, I went and had a shower and started to mentally compose a meta on badfic; it happens everywhere, every fandom. It's probably happening in yours right now.

But then I realised, I know what badfic is for me. And somethings are just so blatantly bad, that it's pretty much agreed that it's badfic. So this is more or less a post comprising of things I don't like as opposed to a well thought out meta...

I had no one in particular in mind when I wrote this, so there's no offence intended at all. *snuggles flist*

Regardless of fandom or pairing, I absolutely detest unbelievable characterisations. And by unbelievable, I mean those that aren't 'justified' by the writer. Fair enough, if it's canon, you don't really need to explain it, but fanfic rarely deals solely in canon.

If Draco's suddenly OMFGINLOVE with Harry, I want to know why. How long for. Why's he still acting like a fuckwit towards him, or why he's NOT.

If Shannon breaks a nail and starts crying, I want to know ~~what you've been smoking~~ what on earth actually IS wrong with him, because it can't just be the nail.

Fanfic's always going to be riddled with differing characterisations, but it's the writers job to make each and every one of them believable. To give reason's for the behaviour, explain what makes the character tick, why they panic, or react the way they do.

Moving on, Character Inconsistency. Unless a character's completely lost their mind half way through, they should be recognisable as the same character from the start of the fic, to some extent anyway. Character progression is great, but you have to show it.

People are fickle, outwardly inconsistent, likely to change their minds about the smallest of things. But again, it needs to be shown. People rarely wake up one day and change their mind about something completely, without any thought. I want that thought process, I want to know what's going on in their head.

If it's a gradual change; show me it. Or at least tell me and give me examples.

If it's a snap decision or knee jerk reaction - I want to know that.

If a character's dealing with conflicting emotions, show me that conflict, and how it effects their actions. Don't keep switching between the two polar opposites and expecting me to keep up. *is not a mind reader*

Obviously not everything needs to be explained in graphic detail, and it's dependant on the story, pov, situation. But you cannot just throw stuff at a reader and expect them to swallow everything without question.

I hate WTF moments...

SPaG is important. Everyone makes mistakes, hit's the wrong key by accident and doesn't notice. Beta's and proof-readers miss things too. This is why, imo, re-reading is stupidly important. It's going to happen though. But usage of 'thru' and more especially 'cum' *headsdesk*

I'm not a grammar or punctuation nazi by any stretch of the imagination, I tend to throw random punctuation marks at sentences and hope for the best. But punctuation is used for a reason, it can change the whole meaning of a sentence. Fic's should be clear. Concise. Get a story across, not confuse the hell out of readers as they wonder what's happening.

One of my biggest pet peeve's is over-feminisation of male characters. I slash for a reason, y'know. I like men, not chicks with dicks. Men, stereotypically, are renowned for not showing 'softer' emotions, not showing vulnerability. There are exceptions to ever rule and I think it's completely situation/character dependent.

On the flip side, I find the stereotypical 'Alpha Male' characterisation is equally as unrealistic. Actually stereotypes in general, but that's a rant for another day.

Kind of related; crying. There's a time and a place for it. Personally I prefer it to come after some traumatic event or hideous amount of pain. But there seems to be a school of thought that crying equals angst or love. And that because a character has been shown crying, the reader should obviously feel sympathy towards them.

My personal opinion on this, is that it's lazy writing. There are so many ways to envoke emotion and draw the reader in to empathise with a character without them crying. Mixing the two (crying + reasons) is more palatable for me but I think I've been more or less scarred for life by so many badfic's that I kind of respect writers more if they do it sans tears.

Like I said, this is all subjective.

I've read some absolutely ludicrous plots, completely off-the-wall AU's and things that should send most people running in fear because the content is just disturbing. And in certain cases, I've loved every single fucking word of them. Because the writer's are just that damn good. Even if it's not a kink of mine, or not something I agree with on a moral level, I've felt something for the characters. I've empathised or found it hot, because its been written

I'm not trying to take some 'I know best' stance here, I don't (know best). I'm pretty sure I've done the above, but I think I've learnt from it. These are things I concentrate on, work at and take into consideration when writing. It may not always work, or it may not work for everyone. But I try. and I think that, at least, comes across. Or I hope so at any rate.

Anyway, those were my thoughts this morning, and I know I've missed a few things out, other pet peeves and things that make me hit the back-button but eh, this was my focus this morning. It wasn't so much that I wanted to share as I want to know what things grate on your nerves? What constitutes badfic or sloppy writing for you guys?

Agree? Disagree? Anything else I've missed? And please be honest...even if it's something I do that gets on your nerves. I want to know. I'm constantly learning and trying to improve. I can't improve upon something if I don't realise why it annoys/makes you pull a face at the screen.

ETA: As always though, crack is the exception to most rules. Except SPaG and Character Consistency. :p

~~I so should have had more coffee this morning~~

SQUEES

kit84 — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 19:49:09 GMT

JYNXIE'S HERE!!!!

*BOUNCES*

She's not allowed to go home. Nuh-uh. I's keeping her. :p

Two Memes

kit84 — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 21:37:12 GMT

tagged by calico_jynx

1. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
2. Tag seven people to do the same.
3. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag whoever wants to do it

1 – I don’t like pizza. At all.

2 – Sometimes I seriously wonder if I might have anti-social tendencies IRL.

3 – I seriously cannot cope with the rest of the day unless I have some form of sweet caffeine in the morning (tea, coffee, coke, pepsi…) followed swiftly by a nicotine hit.

4 – I hate romcom chick flicks.

5 – I make excellent scones. Can’t cook anything else. But I make good fluffy scones.

6 – I didn’t cry when bambi’s mother died. Or Simba’s father. Still don’t. (See…wondering about the crazyness right here…).

7 – I google and wiki everything. Literally. Everything. In the process of this meme I’ve googled pizza-haters, anti-social, sociopath, caffeine addictions/affects, romcom chick flicks (in case I do actually like any of them?), disney movies, crazy, meme’s, tagging, and bad dates.

</div>

Because I made calico_jynx tag me :p

1. List 5 celebrities you would have sex with without even asking questions.
2. Put all of them IN ORDER of your lust for them. (5 - 1, 1 is the hottest.)
3. Say which movie/show/thing it was that hooked you.
4. Supply photos for said people.
5. Tag five people!

5 - Paul Bettany - Knights Tale. Don't ask me why.

4 - Johnny Depp - Erm...forever? Probably Edward Scissorhand. Yes I'm fucked up...

3 - Jason Stratham - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrells

2 - David Tennant - Blackpool and Casanova

1 - Kevin Zegars - Transamerica (it's possibly the boy whore thing...)

</div>

Music

kit84 — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 13:42:04 GMT

I’m bored, so in order to alleviate afore mentioned boredom I’m going to do the music meme thingy that’s been going round.

Pick a number between 1 and 636 and I’ll upload a track from my mp3 player.

Friday 13th

kit84 — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 10:57:21 GMT

So Yay! Ghosthunting tonight. I shall be taking a camera…no idea if they’ll be anything to report but we’ll see

Today is already shaping up to be interesting, I got stuck in the (usually very reliable!) lift at work this morning. I took a very deep breath, attempted not to think about the fact that I was stuck in a very small enclosed space and calmly pressed the alarm buzzer (ok, I have to admit, this was kind of exciting. I’ve always wanted to press the alarm buzzer in much the same why I want to press big red buttons with ‘Do No Press’ written above them.)

Nothing happened. NOTHING.

So, of course, I pressed it again. And again. Oh and y’know again.

Nothing. Nada.

I had this sudden fear of being stuck in there indefinitely.

Thank fuck for mobile phones, is all I can say. I called work, and the phone rang, and rang, and rang. By this point, I was pacing and starting to feel more than a little on edge. I have this irrational fear that one day I’ll wake up or I’ll go somewhere and everyone in the world will just disappear - something I’ve always had (yeah I know, abandonment issues much?!).

Finally someone answered. I explained what was happening and how the damn alarm button wasn’t working. Colleague was lovely, and said she’d contact the maintenance guys.

At this point, the alarm buzzer decides to start working and dials through to the help centre. V bored voice comes through saying can they help me. No, I just thought I’d press this buzzer for the lulz!! Help would be much appreciated! I’m stuck in a bloody lift! *sigh*

Colleague phoned me back to let me know that she’d called the maintenance guys and they were on the way. Other colleagues had heard what was happening and started to shout to see if I was ok, which was good. Didn’t feel quite so bad, knowing there were people outside. It didn’t stop me giggling hysterically though.

Maintenance guys arrived and started trying to open the doors, much banging about. The lift dropped slightly (and I was quite willing to shout and scream for them to leave me in here - I don’t wanna drop three levels!!). Doors finally opened. I have never been so relieved. Lift was stuck between floors so I had to climb out in a very unladylike fashion.

So…that’s the run down of my morning. Nothing like being stuck in a lift to really make you appreciate that first cup of coffee and ciggie of the day.

*sigh* so far the rest of my morning has been uneventful. There was a long and rather boring meeting. I don’t think I could have coped if it had been exciting. :p

Btw – lookit teh purdy mood theme. Jynxie found lots of the piccy’s and showed me how to add them all. :D *loves her Jynxie*

Ghost hunting - oh my!

kit84 — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 17:48:02 GMT

Hi All,

No fic update or anything at the moment - something slightly Real Lifey!

I've agreed to take part in a sponsored 'fright night' to raise money for the Anthony Nolan Trust (who provide donors for leukemia patients in need of bone marrow transplants). On Friday 13th April, 3 workmates and myself will spend a night (9pm - 4am) in a haunted museum (one of the most haunted sites in the country apparently) with paranormal investigators and a medium.

You can find out more about the Anthony Nolan Trust here - http://www.anthonynolan.com/

And more about the fright night here - http://www.anthonynolan.com/index.php?table=event&id=1194

If there is anyone that would like to sponsor me to do this (please, please, please, please) you can do so here

(Also if anyone would like to donate a jumpsuit, hoover that I can strap to my back or a friend named Egon, it would be most appreciated!)

In a bid to get more sponsors (I need to raise £100 to go!) I will be offering drabbles/short ficlets (prompt of your choice – please comment to this post with a pairing/theme/prompt! :D) for anyone that is generous enough to sponsor me.

Because most of my flist is not UK based, I thought I should point you to a currency converter - (UK currency is still Pounds stirling) http://www.xe.com/ucc/

I shall of course let you all know how it goes, I'm taking a camera so there will be picspam. My cynical nature tells me there will be nothing to report or see, but hey, I'm sure I can scare a few people to stir up some gossip!

Many thanks,

K x

ETA: and in case anyone's interested - here's a list of the museum's ghosts

kit84 — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 17:32:41 GMT

ZOMG!!! Just had a phone call from my flatmate – a box arrived for me today.

From Sky Broadband!!!!!

*hyperventilates*

Ok…so seriously…I doubt it’ll be up and running tonight.  they say it’ll take a couple of days to activate it, so at best I’ll be online over the weekend *squees*

*misses everyone even more than she usually does*

ETA: Well...it's all set up! It will, in theory, work fine as soon as we get our activation key through (yay!) So...should be all up and running in a couple of days. (YAY)

kit84 — Wed, 06 Dec 2006 12:14:55 GMT

I’m sorry, I can’t possibly keep my mouth shut any longer.

I do not appreciate you, yet again, coming in the way of others’ friendships.

I do not appreciate you, yet again, hurting at least two of my closest online friends. Inadvertently or not, you’d have to be blind to not see what you’re doing.

I do not appreciate being ‘tested’ for loyalty.

I do not appreciate that everything is, once again, all about you and your feelings, when others are hurting just as much as you are, as if just because they don’t make a vague post of ranty doom about it, it doesn’t matter. Well, I’m sorry, it does. In fact, here’s my not-so-vague post just to bloody prove that I’m hurt, frustrated and pissed off.

I’ve never appreciated your vague posts of ranty doom – do you even know how many times others have been hurt by them? Worrying that you may be pissed off at them, even though they can’t recall anything that they’ve done that may have slighted you in the least. Well, for future reference, I’d say it was just about anytime you posted.

We’ve been here before, about nine months ago in fact, and I hated it then; I felt torn, betrayed, abandoned and unimportant. I got over it. And now I’m just pissed off and annoyed that you keep doing this. I don’t understand how one person can manage to cause so much conflict within such a small group of people. Well, I’m sorry, I can’t keep taking it.

I defriended you because you left. And I refuse to be made to feel guilty about my actions.

Your reappearance has made me realise that I’ve probably been looking for a reason to cut all ties for a while now.

I’m sorry I couldn’t have done this in a nicer way, I’m sorry I haven’t tried to work this out with you, I’m sorry I feel that I have to do this now . I’m sorry for doing this so publicly, it’s shitty I know, but after what I’ve seen you twist around, I’d rather show everyone straight up what I’ve said and they can make their own decisions – whatever those may be.

Knightmare, if you read this, I think you are a wonderful, giving, generous person when you want to be, but I can’t do this anymore, I refuse to jump through anymore hoops and bite my tongue just to be ‘in the group’. I genuinely hope you start to feel better soon and I’m sorry that I feel like I’ve been forced to do things this way. I hope you understand.

Kit.

To everyone that isn't involved, doesn't want to be involved etc, please just skip this, I'm sorry guys - I really felt as if I needed to get my feelings out in the open.

*comments are screened*

Fic: Silent Betrayal - Part Two

kit84 — Sat, 28 Oct 2006 03:18:37 GMT

Title: Silent Betrayal - Part Two
Author: Kit84
Rating: Hard R, NC-17 at a (real) push
Warnings: Angst, Sexual Content, Adult Language
Word Count: 2,109
Disclaimer: Not mine, everything belongs to JKR.
Summary: And right at this moment, hatred made Draco lock eyes with Harry's bit on the side and raise his glass in a silent salute.

A/N: Written for the hd_angst prompt of Hatred. This should hopefully be three parts, and I decided to attempt to write each part for hd_angst’s Bloody Sunday prompt. *hopes this weeks won’t be too difficult*

Many thanks to Eeyore and Alisanne for the quick beta jobs *squishy hugs* You guys are great; any mistakes are my own. Also to Jynx for holding my hand (as per usual), and to Jadzia for the title.

Silent Betrayal - Part One

Draco stared at the pub he'd Apparated in front of. Mostly Muggle, he thought disdainfully as he looked around; buying himself more time before entering and ... hell, he still didn't know what he was going to do.

So many thoughts floated around his head, so many ideas for revenge or payback came easily to mind. The idea of ranting and raving at the man was distinctly appealing in a very Gryffindor way.
He couldn't remember ever feeling this hurt before; partly pain of betrayal, partly self-loathing for being so stupid and trusting, but mostly hatred towards both Harry and the unknown man for making him feel this way.

Even as awful as he felt, he couldn't find it in himself to confront Harry.

Not yet.

Maybe not ever.

Realising he'd lost Harry once today was enough, actually taking steps that could potentially drive a wedge between them permanently would be too much for him to even contemplate in his present state of mind. Only one thing was very clear to Draco, he couldn't let Harry go just yet.
Harry's indiscretion was like a raw wound; pushing Harry away would just be rubbing salt into it.
He pressed the heels of his hands to both eyes, trying to organize his thoughts into some semblance of order.

God, he needed a drink.

Not a particularly astounding idea after the day you've had.

Draco snorted inelegantly; it was surprising he hadn't had one before now.

Guess the shock's worn off.

As he pushed open the door to the pub, loud music assaulted his ears, the amount of bass almost painful. Draco made a beeline for the bar, uncaring of who he pushed past or whose toe he squashed beneath his shoe. The latter was strangely satisfying.

Two men and a woman moved on, leaving ample space at the bar for Draco to commandeer a stool on the corner. The bartender was young and obviously impressionable, since he came running as soon as Draco smirked and nodded his head.

His vodka on the rocks was down his throat before the poor boy had time to ring it up on the till. He ordered another, double this time.

Cradling his drink, Draco stared down the bar; he had a good view of the crowd waiting to be served. Then his eyes settled on him. The other man.

And just like that, he knew what he was going to do. No ifs, no buts, no maybes. One minute he had no plan, the next, bam. Instant scheme.

Instant scheme – just add alcohol and hatred.

Every feeling he'd tried to suppress in the past few hours came back full force. If he thought he'd felt hate before, earlier, he'd been wrong. One look at that morose face and he'd decided.
That man had slept with Harry, had his filthy hands over Draco's lover. He knew, logically, that it wasn't the stranger who had betrayed his trust, but Harry, and yet he couldn't get over the need to make this man suffer.

What if this man had never come along? Wouldn't that have forced Harry to talk about what was wrong in their relationship instead of getting his jollies elsewhere?

Even though the man looked so obviously upset, moping over the loss of Harry no doubt, to Draco's mind, he hadn't been burnt nearly enough.

I’ll teach him to play with fire.

Draco had had a lot of time to classify his emotions while Harry had slept next to him. Automatically he'd labelled what he'd felt towards those that he had wanted to hit, kick, bite, hex and kill as 'hate'. Nice. Neat. And so fucking wrong. Compared to what he felt now, that was mild (but heated) dislike.

Hatred.

He'd never felt anything so fierce but cold. Yet, it was comforting in a way.

Was this how Severus or the Dark Lord had felt? Powerful? Focused?

Hatred had made Voldemort attempt, and very nearly succeed, to rid the world of mudbloods. It had made Severus ally himself with people he intensely disliked and who, in turn, had abhorred him.

And right at this moment, hatred made Draco lock eyes with Harry's bit on the side and raise his glass in a silent salute. The man offered him a wan smile in return.

Anti-climatic really, but the first contact had been made.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Finishing his third drink of the night, Draco stood up, tired of waiting. He needn't have worried. The man was already making his way over, eyes locked on Draco. Obviously prompted by his friends, judging by the (amount of) looks coming their way.

He offered a shy smile along with his hand. Draco took both with a slight smirk that he was hard pressed to reign in.

“Hi, I'm Keith.”

“Draco,” he replied.

“Well, Draco, can I buy you a drink?”

~ ~ ~ ~

Two hours later, Draco had discovered that Keith was charming, witty, sweet, a genuinely nice guy and had had his heart thoroughly broken by Harry that afternoon. Apart from the latter, it made him Draco's idea of Harry's perfect man.

It made the hatred just that much colder.

He was more resolved than ever. If it wasn't for Keith, none of them would be hurting. He wouldn't be hurting.

“So, want another drink?”

Draco looked pointedly at the bar, then back at Keith.

“Bar closed five minutes ago.”

“There are other places we could go,” Keith said hesitantly, not meeting Draco's eye's.

“I have drink at my house for example.”

A self-satisfied smirk tugged at Draco's mouth. This was too easy. He knew that this was the moment; the one where he could say 'no' and turn around and forget this stupid scheme. Walk away and devote all his attention to making Harry too happy to want to stray again.

But it had never been in his nature to do things by half measures. He'd known walking in here that he'd do this, that he needed to, otherwise this Keith would be forever in their lives or attempting to be. Draco couldn't, and wouldn't, stand for that.

“Well, that sounds better than anywhere around here,” he purred, and hated himself for the sexual tone.

Keith Apparated them to his flat. 'Small' was his first thought, 'homey' the second, followed swiftly by a metaphysical punch in the stomach as he wondered exactly how many times Harry had been here.

Keith poured them both drinks, chattering inanely about not expecting company.
Glad his back was turned, Draco sneered.

Of course not, now that you've broken up with my boyfriend.

He wiped the expression off of his face as Keith turned around carrying two glasses of whatever Draco had mumbled 'yes' to.

He never did find out what it was, not having the chance to taste the drink before Keith kissed him.
Suppressing his first instinct to push away, hit out, wipe his mouth, Draco put his arms around the other man. The kiss was bruisingly forceful, as Draco poured all his anger, disgust and hate into it.

Thankfully – perhaps – Keith seemed to take this as a sign of passion and held Draco closer, moaning as he kissed him back.

Draco closed his eyes and wished he were somewhere else entirely.

One thing led rapidly to another. By the time they were both naked, Draco felt completely disconnected from the situation. As if it were someone else's hands, someone else's body doing this, and he was only watching.

It wasn't difficult to go through the motions with this man. During the war, as a spy in Voldemort's ranks for the Order, he'd had to do many distasteful things. Getting hard and staying that way, feigning pleasure he didn't feel shouldn't be too difficult.

Still, as he breached the body beneath him, which rose up in pleasure at his powerful thrust, he had to admit that this was one of the worst.

Against all sense or reason, Draco managed to come.

Admittedly it wasn't of the mind-blowingly explosive affair that it usually was with Harry, more a direct result of sticking his dick in a tight, lubricated hole. He hadn't thought he'd be able to. Hadn't wanted to come.

It sickened him.

Did he really have so little control over his own body that it would find some gratification with this...this fucking cunt of a man who disgusted him beyond belief?

Draco had no idea what clichés he placated the man with, it only mattered that he get out. Now. The need to be home, with Harry, was a physical ache.

The cold autumn air, when he finally got outside, snapped him out of the out of body feeling he'd had. He Disapparated with a loud crack, uncaring of the noise he made.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Apparating into the flat, he found he'd misjudged. Instead of appearing nice, safe and quietly in the living room, he'd appeared in the bedroom. With Harry. Who was wide awake.

Shit.

Harry frowned slightly.

“Where have you been?” he asked, putting down the book he'd been reading.

“The memorial,” he replied, lying smoothly, before all but running out of the room, heading for the bathroom. He felt dirty. He didn't want to be in the same room as Harry while he felt like this, while he could still feel the other man's touch on his body.

He turned the shower on as hot as he could bear after locking the door. Standing under the spray he tried not to think of anything at all, but thoughts, reprimands and schemes wouldn't leave him be.

Giving up the impression he was able to win this battle, Draco concentrated on the simplest: how to be the man Harry wanted him to be without losing himself in the process. He knew Harry craved love and affection, meeting Keith, however awful it had been, had only reinforced that knowledge. He'd been openly friendly and touchy-feely to a complete stranger. However, that kind of affection was something that Draco only knew how to show behind closed doors.

Well, he'd just have to try. How difficult would it really be to brush past Harry a little closer than usual in public; to touch knees or hands under tables with friends? He knew Harry valued the smallest touch, so he'd notice, of that Draco was sure.

His earlier declaration of love had likely done wonders towards bettering their relationship anyway. Small changes would only reinforce that. Sighing, Draco switched off the shower and grabbed a towel, running over his flimsy lie once more in his head.

Harry was still sitting propped up in bed reading when he returned.

“You should have said, I would have gone with you.”

“You'd already been once today. And I wanted to go alone,” he said, sliding into bed. Facing but not touching Harry.

“Still, you shouldn't have gone alone. It can be quite ...erm...overwhelming, the first time you see it.”

“It was nauseating,” Draco answered truthfully, hardly meaning the actual stone box inscribed with names.

Harry smiled humourlessly. “I know, it's a nice thought behind it, though.”

“If you say so.”

Harry reached out and linked the tips of their fingers, as Draco stared down at his own hand.
“What made you change your mind and go?” he asked softly.

“I don't want to talk about it.”

Fuck, five minutes in and already he was snappish.

Half trying to soften the blow and half needing to touch more of Harry, he curled his fingers, bring their hands together.

“I meant it earlier, you know.” His jaw clamped shut even as the words left his mouth. He hadn't meant to say that. Declaring it in the heat of the moment while his emotions were already all over the place was one thing, saying it now made it somehow more real.

“What?” Harry asked, confused.

“That I -,” he took a deep breath, he wouldn't be able to deny this one, “that I love you.”

Harry dropped his gaze downwards, to their entwined hands. It didn't matter that Draco's words hadn't been filled with an emotion other than frustration, the coy grin on his face told Draco just how long his lover had waited for him to say that.

“Love you too, Draco.”

It was a shame really then, that Draco would still never be able to trust him.</div>

Fic: Silent Betrayal H/D Hard R

kit84 — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 15:20:50 GMT

Title: Silent Betrayal

Author: Kit84

Rating: Hard R, NC-17 at a push
Warnings: Angst (yes, really – with a capital A. Not a hint of ‘Fl’ in sight) Sexual Content, Adult Language and implications of Character Death (not Harry or Draco though)
Word Count: 2,403
Disclaimer: Not mine, everything belongs to JKR.
Summary: One sentence, five words, six syllables and hundreds of shattered plans.

A/N: Thanks to the lovely jynx709for holding my hand and telling me to go get this posted, and much heartfelt thanks to my wonderful beta’s; eeyore9990 and jadzia7667 (who also came up with the title – so thank you again!). They both did excellent jobs of whipping this into shape. Any remaining mistakes are my own (and I’d really appreciate a heads up if you spot any!)

A/N2: Written for hd_angst Bloody Sunday Challenge #22: prompt – Memorial

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was ironic really. Or perhaps poetic justice. Shit. He really didn't care what it was right at this moment. Painful just about covered it though. Or maybe the feeling of having one's heart ripped out via one's cock. If there was one person he would have bet all his Galleons on for being faithful, it was him. Not that that was the reason they were together but Draco was - or had thought he was - a good judge of character. And Harry Potter, so he'd thought, would always be faithful. Or hell, truthful enough to admit when he wasn't.

But here he was, standing in the shade of the trees outside the Hogsmeade War Memorial, watching his lover prove him spectacularly wrong.

And it fucking hurt.

It was one thing to be proven wrong. Even in such a painful manner. What was really the icing on the fucking cake was that he hadn't actually realized, or at least admitted to himself, that he loved the cunt until just now.

When he realized he'd lost him.

Draco's heart was in his throat; surprising really, considering it felt as though it wasn't done being torn out of his chest just yet. He felt cold through and through, even though he knew that his warming charm still held.

He'd been standing here, admiring Harry as he'd paid his yearly respect to Granger, Weasley and all the rest who'd fought and died in the Hogsmeade skirmish and then he'd come along, taken Harry's hand and pressed his head on Harry's shoulder. Comforting. There had been an irrational pang of jealousy but he recognized it as such and let it slide. After all, Harry just wasn't the type. For all his faults, Harry craved a stable family life more than anything, put his faith in trust, honoured his word and abhorred lies. At least, that's what he'd thought.

Draco's mental voice berated and, true to form, taunted him for being so easily duped.

Since when does a Malfoy put his trust in anyone without proper blackmail insurance? Ah, I forget, you've not been a proper Malfoy in a while now...

A muscle jumped beneath his cheek at the scorn in his own mental voice.

Aw, going Hufflepuff on me, ickle Draco? You'll be crying again next. No wonder you're not enough for him.

He'd forgotten everything he'd worked all his life to achieve; he was so far from his usual calm, cool and collected self that it was laughable. Almost.

He'd continued watching, perhaps this was a workmate or someone Harry had fought alongside in the war. Draco didn't know all of Harry's friends, only a handful of the most trustworthy people knew they were together and even they had no clue as to how long. Four years on 28th May, incidentally. If you counted the grudge fucks during the war and its aftermath; which Draco did. No matter how much they'd hated the very sight of each other at the time, they'd still been together in some way, no matter how fucked up it had been.

Then he'd put his filthy arms around Harry in a hug that well over-stepped comforting and nose dived directly into groping.

Draco had seen Harry tense at the touch and had been all ready to step into the light and defend his lover’s virtue. Such as it was. But Harry stopped him unintentionally,

“I can't do this anymore.” The words were softly spoken but carried to Draco's ear as if said loud and clear.

He'd cocked his head at the phrase, contemplating, it was difficult getting Harry to open up about feelings and he'd been worried about something for months. Draco, at the time, had no guilt over eavesdropping. Even now, with his heart wishing he'd just left - announced his presence - never come here - something - anything; he couldn’t regret it.

“Can't do what?” the other man had asked.

“I can't see you anymore.”

And the blood running through Draco's veins had frozen.

One sentence, five words, six syllables and hundreds of shattered plans.

Every fibre of his being was screaming at Harry to not mean it, or not mean it like that.

“Oh god, he's got to you again, hasn't he?”

“Yes - no - argh,” Harry rubbed his eyes in frustration - an action Draco had seen frequently in recent weeks.

“Look, I mean it this time. I can't keep doing this to him, or to you, or hell, to myself, too. I love him.”

The last was said quietly, defiantly; and part of Draco wanted to revel in the fact that Harry loved him, while the calm, logical side of him registered the fact that this wasn't the first time they'd broken up and raged at it. Harry had been seeing this...this slut for a while, obviously.

And you probably drove Harry right into his waiting arms. Pathetic. Can't even hold onto one measly boyfriend, his inner voice chuckled.

Had he really driven Harry away? Draco knew he wasn't the most affectionate of people outside of the bedroom, but it was just the way he was. Harry knew that. Didn't he? Fuck, now he was doubting himself. This was ridiculous; it was Harry's fault. Harry's. Clenching his jaw, he focused on that thought. It was surprisingly easy. If Harry had a problem with them, he should have said something. Draco wasn't a fucking mind reader. A few problems did not give anyone the right to go fuck around behind their supposed boyfriend's back. But, yet again, the rules didn't apply to Harry, did they?

Any remaining doubts were brutally shoved aside by the reappearance of Draco's major schoolboy grievance.

“Right,” sarcastic and a crossing of arms from the man, “you love him. 'Til the next time you start feeling like something's missing between you. Or when you decide you want your perfect relationship of hand holding, whispered promises and gentle love making, but can't get this unnamed boyfriend of yours to comply.”

“No, it wasn't -”

“Oh? Was it not?” The man did a passable impression of sarcastically surprised. “Was I just a hole to fuck when he wouldn't give it up enough for your liking, then?”

Just how much had his darling Harry told his bit on the side? he wondered, more than a little sarcastically. And what about me, Harry? What was I? Just someone to fuck your hole because your bit on the side was too much of a pillow-biter to do so?

Betrayal and pain were rapidly giving way to more likable emotions. Anger and the need for revenge for example.

“Fine,” Harry shrugged, looking downcast and frustrated, “it might have been like that. The first one,” he corrected quickly and scowled at the man who looked unimpressed.

“Look, I did - I do care for you. That's why I can't keep doing this. I hurt myself every time I hurt either of you,”

The smarmy bastardly fucking cunt moved closer to Harry. Draco's hand clenched white knuckled around his wand in anger.

“Then don't. Break up with him; we're good together Harry, we can make a go of things.”

Harry pushed him away firmly. “No, I love him.”

Draco might have cheered if it wasn't for the agony and resentment blotting out everything else.

He couldn't remember ever hating this much before; possibly during school, before lust and tolerance had dulled the emotion. But even then, it had never felt like a living, breathing physical part of him: tightening his chest, clenching fists and biceps, rooting him to the spot and making him want to scratch out eyeballs with his bare hands, even his own. Especially his own, as if it would stop him seeing Harry's disloyalty.

He hated the nameless stranger pure and simply. It was easy in a way. But Harry though, Harry he still felt everything for. The just discovered love, long standing lust, constant competitiveness, hard won and grudging respect, all of it. And mixed in, tainting everything they stood for and represented, was hatred.

He wasn't sure whether he wanted to hex Harry, punch him, or fuck him until he begged for respite. All three at once was sounding preferable.

Afterwards, Draco wasn't sure why he'd done it, but the fact remained anyway; just when he'd heard enough, just as the man stormed off, he'd cast a light, but accurate, tracking charm at his retreating back. Just in case, he told himself. In case of what, he wasn't sure of yet.

He stared at Harry, who, in turn, was staring at the huge memorial, before turning and walking away in disgust. He couldn't bear to look anymore; the longer he stood there, the angrier he became. And right now he was so angry he could throw up. It crossed his mind fleetingly that perhaps the nausea was a result of having his softer emotions trodden on so thoroughly, but he pushed the thought aside. Hate was so much easier, after all.

His dinner, luckily, did not make a reappearance. He even managed a condescending sneer at the family reading through the book of names of witches and wizards who had petitioned for the memorial. He knew his own wasn't in there. In fact he'd loathed the memorial even then. Prophetic really, since now he was considering blasting the fucking thing to pieces.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Draco leaned against the wall and stared around at his flat, as if seeing it for the first time. There was nothing here that he didn't associate with Harry.

Harry had sat, stood, touched, fucked him on or against every single square inch and its contents. Which was painful enough in and of itself.

Harry's things were another matter entirely.

The book he was painstakingly forcing himself to read - because it had belonged to Granger - was face down on the sofa, his Firebolt was propped next to Draco's own, trainers by the door, keys in the dish, jumper thrown over a chair and fuck, there were more things than he could count and that was without venturing into the bedroom or bathroom.

Harry had all but moved in.

The lying cheating fucking bastard.

How dare he do that? Who the fuck did he think he was? And what the fuck was he, Draco, supposed to do now?

“Fuck,” he said softly, exhaling and tilting his head backwards against the wall. He couldn't even work himself up to rant about this. His previous rage had ebbed again, replaced by dull numbness. His mind and emotions were in turmoil, every time he thought he'd settled on one course of action or one emotion, it changed, only to be replaced again in turn.

Shock and disbelief, he guessed. A perfectly natural part of discovering you'd been betrayed by the one person you trusted with your emotions.

And whose fault was that? You should never have let feelings come into this.

A key jangled in the lock.

Harry.

A hundred and one curses, accusations and profanities were on the tip of his tongue.

Harry grinned tiredly as he walked in and Draco was silenced. Unable to comprehend how normal it was, unable to connect his lover-Harry, to the cheating betrayer of trust-Harry.

Strong arms wrapped around Draco and Harry's head rested against his shoulder, a soft sigh fluttered against his neck.

“I wish you'd come with me. I hate going there alone.”

Tentatively, not knowing what else to do, Draco wrapped his arms around Harry, making a non-committal noise that could have been agreement. Although by the cold expression on his face, it could have also been anything from 'how could you' to 'fuck off and die a slow and painful death'.

Even knowing what Harry had done, he couldn't help it as his body relaxed into the embrace.

Physical habit.

At least that was what he told himself as Harry's touches turned from comforting hug into something more and his body responded accordingly. As if nothing were wrong. As if the partially clothed man in his arms hadn't just crushed dreams for the future that Draco hadn't even dared let himself dream.

In some sick, twisted form, this was comfort.

Even as every touch, kiss, lick, bite and moan made him want to rage and scream and run away, it also kept him there, silenced his unspoken protests.

By the time they were both naked and falling into bed, Draco knew, without a shadow of a doubt that he had lost, he would go through with this no matter how much more pain it caused him. His body had decided that before his mind ever got a say in the matter. Physical habit he reminded himself, as his hands glided over Harry's body with more tenderness than they ever had before.

When he entered Harry, thrusting forwards into his still tight, slick arse, it felt perfect but completely fucked up, and he didn't care, he wanted to memorize everything. Every thrust and writhing movement, every sound and expletive, every uncontrolled delicious clench and spasm, because he knew it wouldn't be like this again. That he couldn't let it be like this. He'd opened up as much as he was able and got a not-so-swift kick in balls for his troubles.

That would never happen to Draco Malfoy ever again.

He was looking down into Harry's open eyes when he said it, just before his orgasm ripped away the ability to think and speak coherently.

“I love you.”

Harry never missed a beat, or thrust, as he replied in kind.

It was the first time they'd said it; and all Draco could think about was that fucking memorial and the fucking stranger he'd seen there.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The room was dark apart from the red glow from the digital clock.

09:24

09:51

10:06

10:28

At 10:42 Draco rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans; careful not to disturb Harry from his sleep.

He felt lost.

What did he do now? Confront? Question? Hex? Run? So many options but none of them felt like the right choice. Hell, he doubted there was a right choice in this situation.

Still undecided, he focussed on the tracking spell and Disapparated away as noiselessly as possible. He'd figure out what to do when he arrived.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

</div>

Trick or Treat meme

kit84 — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 10:19:47 GMT

Stolen from crucio_4_coffee. (sorry hon, this just looked fun!)

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
Kit84 goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Cinderella (post rags!) .
alisanne gives you 15 light orange lime-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
aoifeism gives you 17 brown strawberry-flavoured pieces of taffy.
calanthe_fics gives you 16 light yellow tropical-flavoured gummy bats.
crucio_4_coffee gives you 15 light orange grape-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
eeyore9990 gives you 8 tan orange-flavoured gummy bats.
gauriel gives you 8 purple root beer-flavoured gummy worms.
jynx709 tricks you! You lose 42 pieces of candy!
knightmare_shad tricks you! You lose 13 pieces of candy!
lucilla_darkate gives you 19 light orange banana-flavoured nuggets.
moonflower_rose tricks you! You get a broken balloon.
Kit84 ends up with 43 pieces of candy, and a broken balloon.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

Damn you Jynx709, knightmare_shad and moonflower_rose! :(

:p

kit84 — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 08:36:04 GMT

Dear World,

I have a hangover.

Please stop shouting.

It annoys the hangover-dwarfs that are currently mining my cranium for signs of life.

Love

Me

ETA: it's 3pm. The lil mining dudes have left, but seem to have taken up residency in the clouds judging by the huge fucking great rumble of thunder.

kit84 — Fri, 30 Jun 2006 09:13:03 GMT

Well...here ya go. Fifth and Final Part of 'The Trouble with Birthday's'. Guess I'm going to have to find something else to do at work. *sighs*

Anyways...hope you like it....

Previous chapters -

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

From: Ginny Weasley Fieryred@phoenix.com
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Job Application

MALFOY!

You CAN'T keep Harry. The Order does not give in to blackmail.

Ginny

From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ginny Weasley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Job Application

Ginny,

I'm afraid I am unable to send Potter to the Order's HQ due to a busy schedule of massages, facials and hot sweaty man sex.

DM

From: Ginny Weasley Fieryred@phoenix.com
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Job Application

GIVE HARRY BACK! HE BELONGS WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE HIM.

Ginny

From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ginny Weasley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Job Application

I'm sorry...did you miss the bit about hot sweaty man sex?

DM

From: Ginny Weasley Fieryred@phoenix.com
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Job Application

Sex does not equate to love.

G

From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ginny Weasley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Job Application

You have obviously never slept with either Harry or (thankfully) myself.

DM.

From: Ginny Weasley Fieryred@phoenix.com
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Job Application

Give Harry back!

From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ginny Weasley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Job Application

No.

DM.

From: Ginny Weasley Fieryred@phoenix.com
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Job Application

Yes.

Ginny.

From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ginny Weasley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Job Application

No.

DM.

P.S. I’m logging off now.

From: HR@darklordenterprises.com
To: Staff@darklordenterprises.com
Subject: Tonight

Hi all,

Just a quick reminder to let you know we’ll be leaving for Nando’s in about half an hour! So go grab your 70’s threads and head on down!

Catch you on the flip-side, be there or be square!

HR Team

From: Harry Potter
To: HR@Phoenix.com,
Cc: Hermione Granger
Subject: Finally got internet access….

Hey,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply, Draco’s been on the computer for AGES.

What’s been going on? Have you sent Draco his contract yet? Nothing’s come by Owl post yet…(except Draco’s 70’s outfit for his leaving do tonight – hippie shirt, bell bottoms and jacket – he looks like a blond Austin Powers without the teeth! – pictures attached…)

Harry

From: HR@Phoenix.com,
To: Harry Potter
Subject: Re: Finally got internet access….

Hi Harry,

Are you ok? I’m afraid Mr. Malfoy’s references didn’t check out…

I will of course, be happy to fill the role in the meantime.

Gin

From: Harry Potter
To: HR@Phoenix.com,
Subject: Re: Re: Finally got internet access….

Ginny!

NO!

Harry.

From: HR@Phoenix.com,
To: Harry Potter
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Finally got internet access….

Harry,

Well, you’ll just have to go without then, won’t you.

Gin.

From: Harry Potter
To: HR@Phoenix.com,
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Finally got internet access….

Ginny.

Give Draco the job or I WON’T be coming home!

Harry.

From: HR@Phoenix.com,
To: Harry Potter
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Finally got internet access….

Harry,

Come home and we’ll give Malfoy a job.

Ginny.

From: Harry Potter
To: HR@Phoenix.com,
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Finally got internet access….

Not ‘A’ job. The Harry Potters Sex Slave Job.

Harry.

From: HR@Phoenix.com,
To: Harry Potter
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Finally got internet access….

Harry,

I am afraid ‘Sex Slave’ is un-PC. As such please find attached a written warning.

Ginny.

From: Harry Potter
To: HR@Phoenix.com,
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Finally got internet access….

Gin,

What’s wrong? Since when have we been PC?

Harry

From: Hermione Granger
To: Harry Potter
Subject: Malfoy

Hi Harry,

Sorry about Gin, she’s been in a foul mood since Malfoy told her that…well…lets just say that he implied that the ORIGINAL pictures you sent through weren’t fakes.

Anyway, I’ll send an Owl with Malfoy’s contract to you for finalization, then both you and he need to sign and send back.

Seriously Harry…what will Malfoy’s job be? I’ve played along up til now…but…well it’s verging on ridiculous and I need to put something in his contract!

Hope to see you soon,

Hermione xxx

From: Harry Potter
To: Hermione Granger
Subject: Re: Malfoy

Errr…. He really WILL be the Personal Assistant and Sexual Development Co-ordinator to Harry Potter…

Hermione, I thought you knew I wasn’t kidding…

Harry.

From: Hermione Granger
To: Harry Potter
Subject: Re: Re: Malfoy

Fine. Remember you asked for it.

Malfoy’s contract and uniform has been sent by Owl.

Hermione.

From: Hermione Granger
To: HQ@Phoenix.com
Cc: Harry Potter , Draco Malfoy
Subject: New Recruit

Dear all,

I’m sure you will join me in welcoming our new employee Draco Malfoy who will be filling the hole- sorry - role of Personal Assistant and Sexual Development Co-ordinator to Harry Potter.

Mr Malfoy will start work on Monday.

Kind regards,

Hermione

From: Harry Potter
To: Hermione Granger Subject: Re: New Recruit

You just couldn’t resist could you?

What uniform?

Harry

From: Padfoot
To: Harry Potter
Cc: Remus Lupin
Subject: Fw: New Recruit

Hi Harry,

How’re you?

Just wanted to let you know that Moony and I know this could be a difficult time for you and Malfoy with regards to settling into your new roles, and as such, we just wanted to let you know that we’ll have an open door policy if you need any assistance.

See ya later kiddo,

Pads

From: Remus Lupin
To: Padfoot
Subject: Re: Fw: New Recruit

Pads, you’re a pervert.

It was a good plan though. Do we really need to leave the door open?

Moony.

From: Lucius Malfoy
To: Staff@darklordenterprises.com
Subject: The Dark Lord…

… is unwell and will not be coming in today

From: Harry Potter
To: Padfoot hotpuppy@wiz-mail.co.uk, Remus Lupin
Subject: Fw: New Recruit

Err...thanks Pads. I'm sure Draco and I will be fine, but if not...(I'll knock first)

Harry

From: Lucius Malfoy
To: Staff@darklordenterprises.com
Subject: The HR Team…

…are feeling unwell and will not be in today.

From: Draco Malfoy
To: Harry Potter
Subject: This morning’s owl post.

Potter,

I confess myself baffled. For someone who managed, without fail, to run headlong into trouble every single year of our schooling, you certainly manage to avoid it now.

Firstly - I have a couple of issues with the contract –

1.) I think it would be better to move item 3c from once a week to at least three times.
2.) I refuse to take part in item 5b. I don’t care what the picture implies – my body does not bend that way.
3.) See above, also for items 7a, 7b, 7c and…hell, lets just scrap ALL of 7.

Secondly, although I am perfectly fine with wearing uniform to show off my status, I have some major issues with the provided uniform. Not only is it too tight and too small, but, how shall I phrase this? It’s a bloody SKIRT Potter!

No Malfoy has ever been seen in a skirt.

DM.

Well, except the female ones. Oh, and that time I walked in on my father’s weekly catch-up with the DL.

From: Lucius Malfoy
To: Staff@darklordenterprises.com
Subject: The Sales Team…

…are feeling unwell and will not be in today.

Is ANYONE in today?

From: Harry Potter
To: Hermione Granger Cc: Draco Malfoy
Subject: Re: Re: New Recruit

Hey Hermione,

Thought it'd be safer to send to you than to HR...
Draco's contract (with amendments) attached...

So, guess I'll be seeing you all tomorrow! Can't wait!

Harry

From: Lucius Malfoy
To: Staff@darklordenterprises.com
Subject: You Bastards.

I’m the only one in aren’t I?

From: Lucius Malfoy
To: Staff@darklordenterprises.com
Subject: Photo’s from last night

Dear all,

Please see attached photo’s from last night.

Since I have not had any human or sub-human contact for the past day I have made the following list to go with the photo’s.

# 1 – DLE Team eating chicken, chicken and more chicken at Nando’s.
# 2 – Goyle realising that the DL changed his order from lemon and coriander to Extra Hot Hot Hot.
# 3 - Bella and Theo playing pin the tail on the werewolf with Fenrir.
# 4 - Group photo before attending Boogie Wonderland
# 5 - The DL playing Musical Avada with the dancer’s at Boogie Wonderland
# 6 - Some muggles at BW - with photoshop'ed moustaches.
# 7 - Crabbe and son singing 'it's raining men' on karaoke.
# 8 - The DL casting a silencio on Crabbe and son.
# 9 - Crabbe and son getting beaten up by muggles after being unable to continue singing.
# 10 - more of above
# 11 - the fight continues.
# 12 - The DL singing 'Jail House Rock' on Karaoke. (please note - the white blur are Bella's knickers)
# 13 - 14 and 15 - DL still singing. (White, black, blue, and pink blurs are Wormtails knickers and bra - Yes, I meant to type that)
# 16 - Wormtail trying to convince everyone that he thought it was a cross dressing party. (and failing)
# 17 - The hardcore partiers hanging out at the DL's bedsit (pile of white robes in the corner is the DL - the pink blur on top of the pile of white robes is Wormtail.)
# 18 - Draco's hand. (I'm sure he meant to make a 'peace' sign really)

I shall also be posting the pictures on our internet site...unfortunately it crashed an hour ago, and I was unable to load any more on. But the first ten can be found at www.darklordenterprises.com/picturesofinmates

Hopefully when the IT department return to work I shall be able to upload the rest.

Kind regards,

Lucius Malfoy

PA to the Dark Lord
Dark Lord Enterprises Inc.

From: Narcissa Malfoy
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: First day

Hello darling,

Mummy again!

Firstly, darling, will you PLEASE reply to me? Although Daddy keeps me informed, I would like to hear of your exploits from yourself. (I’m sure Daddy censor’s them)

So, pumpkin, how did your first day go? I want all the gossip! Do you have your own office? (I don’t count your cubby at DLE as an office) What are your new colleagues like?

I hope you remembered your manners today.

Talk to you soon,

All my love,

Mummy xxx

From: Draco Malfoy
To: Narcissa Malfoy
Subject: Out of Office Autoreply: First day

Thank you for your wmail. Unfortunately I am not able to read it today or tomorrow due to staff training.

DM.

From: Padfoot
To: Harry Potter
Cc: Remus Lupin
Subject: First day

Hey kiddo,

Heard that you've got Malfoy starting today, so thought I'd drop you a wmail to see how it's going? So....how's it going?

Door's still open (well ajar) if you need us...

Pads and Moony

From: Harry Potter
To: Padfoot hotpuppy@wiz-mail.co.uk Remus Lupin Moony@Phoenix.com
Subject: Out of Office Autoreply: First day

Hey,

Sorry, I'm unable to get to a computer today or tomorrow as I'm breaking in my sex sl- Very Personal Assistant and Sexual Development Co-ordinator.

Harry.

From:Remus Lupin
To: Padfoot hotpuppy@wiz-mail.co.uk
Subject: Fw: Out of Office Autoreply: First day

I don't think they're going to need your help Pads...

From: Padfoot hotpuppy@wiz-mail.co.uk
To: Remus Lupin Moony@Phoenix.com
Subject: Re: Fw: Out of Office Autoreply: First day

Moony.

Get your cute behind to my room. Now.

Pads

On to The Sequel!</div>

You think you've won this fight, you've only lost your mind.

Writer's Block: Once upon a time…

Meme: Top Fives

Meme: Top Fives

Rant: Darkfics, mindfucks and warnings.

Will whore for music

Free Music & Kynxspirations Pimping

Random: Picspam

Random fandom thoughts -- decaffeinated

*SQUEES*

Two Memes

Music

Friday 13th

Ghost hunting - oh my!

Fic: Silent Betrayal - Part Two

Fic: Silent Betrayal H/D Hard R

Trick or Treat meme

SQUEES