In the tender sweet spot between 9/111 and hitting puberty, for about three years, developed what I have since learned was a pretty common manifestation of adolescent OCD but at the time, obviously, thought it was an entirely unique experience.

I think like, as a general baseline most children are pretty self-centered and self-seeking and I was potentially more so than average, so its not shocking that I was able to convince myself that the entire fate of humanity depended on what I did or did not do, and how many times I did it. The whole saga involved, among other more private things, a lot of bargaining, a lot of eating non-food things, or not eating at all, licking subway poles and similarly unadvisable surfaces, or holding my breath until everything whitened, basically the classics, in exchange for humanity's ongoing survival.

It's funny to write about because the privacy of it was so crucial. For years it truly did dominate every waking thought I had. I wouldn’t ever speak about it to anyone, friends, family, child psychologists (of which there were a few). It was mine. Even writing about it now feels like a massive violation. If I hadn’t in recent years cultivated a total reliance on a God I genuinely believe to be truly loving, I would probably have to lick a gas pump nozzle to make up for this transparency.

It's been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve been having this distinct, sort of dementedly cozy nostalgia feeling the last few weeks. I think it has to do with everything being so totally terrible, re genocide, fascism, teetering edge of global conflict, annihilation etc. I feel pretty useless to do anything about any of it. Is reposting articles detailing various horrors, and links telling you how to buy esim’s really that much different than eating rocks and aglets? I mean it is, I know that.

This isn’t a solution oriented post, which sits poorly with me. Mostly my solution, which it isn’t, is sitting in my studio and playing with my bugs and making art, sometimes about stuff, and doing mutual aid. Which brings me to some things:

-West Village Mutual Aid is a mutual aid. It does food, clothing, hygiene supply and harm reduction distro. Talking to your neighbors is important, building community is important, cultivating systems of support that are independent from the government is important. WVMA is very much in need of supplies. You can get those supplies here.

-Veronica, Veronica is a group show at Hesse Flatow in Amagansett organized by Andrew Gardner and Emma Safir, celebrating Saint Veronica. If you can get out to see it you should, because Emma is exceedingly brilliant, and it is a truly stellar line up.

-Mother, Daughter, Holy Spirit is doing a fundraiser-performance event this Saturday at an undisclosed location which is usually where very cool fun things happen.

-On Tuesday June 24 I am doing a zoom talk with Passed Lives Club, where Daniel Ryan and I will be talking about Art, Decay, and Narrative Medicine. Go to the website and put in your email and you will be sent a link

anyways sorry if you came here because you thought I was going to elaborate on my note about the time in 2018 when ye told me about sucking his cousin’s dick. That did happen, and I did keep the secret, and that is all I really want to say about it.