I haven't eaten today. Go me.
And I'm not going to. I swear. And alpine tea to get the shit out of my system. Laxatives are my crutch. I need them to stay sane.
I just can't afford them at the moment, because I am so poor, Stupid being a student. So I use Alpine tea, which is natural. And I feel less of a crazy bitch when drinking it.
Have a meeting with CREDS in Wellington next Wednesday. Must lose more weight so they don't think I am a complete hypocrite.
Anyway, better go hand in my assignment for stats.

it occurs to me that i haven't written in an extremely long time. months, in fact.
so much has happened, so much weight has been put on....so now i am going to lose it.
starting with a 3 week fast, or just severe, severe restriction. omg,  can't believe how big i have gotten. it truely is disgusting. i am so embarrassed to even go out. my new boyfriend, ethan, (we've been together for over four months, so i guess he isn't that new) says i am fine, but i definitely don't believe him. i know what is true in my heart of hearts, and i have to rectify it. NOW
i love ethan to bits, but he's seen me when i was lighter by far. so i always feel awkward when we have to have sex. because i think, well, know, i am being judged. but i put myself through it for him and try to enjoy it.

i absolutely HATE being away from my family, with a vengeance. if anyone else has ever experienced major homesickness...please contact me on how to get over it. i hate it in wellington. i hate university. i hate everything about my life at the moment, and i'm sure that would change if i was back at home, with mum, dad, and my brother and sister. i think i'm way too attatched.

i want to go home!!!!

anyway, i'm planning to make this a productive, no-eating day. just a cigarette or two and some hard work. hmmm, i really, really hope it works out. it's raining really hard here in wellington, and i have no umbrella to get to an get back from classes. SHIT!

must dash

Current Mood: sad
Current Location: My room at the hostel

i dont know what to feel at the moment
52.7kg
ick
no self control whatsoever
i fuck myself off so bad

yeehh, well, i am going into the hospital today for my teen mental health program. its gunna be shit as.
i have a team of three people working to help me apparently (a doctor, a nutritionist and a counsellor). i just feel like im going to look so stupid. i hate how i care what people think. fucking just ate like 4 pieces of russian fudge....what a fukn fattie. i've been keeping a food diary, which is really good. started counting calories kind of.
i'm weighing 52-52.5 region at the moment. still not good enough for me. mum aint weighed me for a few days. i am scared what will happen once she does. craving more fudge.
and im so thirsty. but i refuse to drink. definitely not.
anyway, must go get ready for my hospital visit.
ciao

Current Location: wagging school
Current Mood: cold

so fuckin pisssseeddd
mums said im not allowed to do scholarship unless i weigh 54kg
talk about fucking blackmail
and ive put on like a kg in two days
FUCKFUCKFUCK
im so disgusting
so today goes:

-250ml V8 juice (99 calories)
-5 strawberries
-1 carrot (21 calories)
-1 egg, whole, scrambled (100 calories)
-50g dark chocolate bar (284 calories)
-3 pieces of gum (12 calories)
-1 Alpine tea (2 calories)

518(+) calories all up

Current Music: step up 2 soundtrack
Current Location: in front of tv
Current Mood: depressed

i think i am finally set solid in the 52kg area
soooo happy
now to get to 51

got work now
HATE IT
wish it would die
but must dash

Current Music: silence
Current Location: study central
Current Mood: cheerful

Weighed 52.6/7 kg this morning. Brilliant, I'm so happy.
Well, I was.
Then mum freaking made me scrambled eggs, bread and salad. And I ate it. Ican't handle it. I'm meant to be studying, but now all I can think about is how much fucking food I've had and how I have no self control. PISSED OFF.
On the bright side, I caught up with Laura. Just bitched about all my shit and the same with her. 
I'm freaking about next year now. After Vic Open Day, I have decided that I definitely don't want to study law. So I'm going to see whether I can do a double degree (BBmedSc/Bsc(psychology)). I just don't even know what to do. There are money worries, health worries, accomodation and age worries. All this shit that I can't get my head around. And at the moment, I'm supposed to be studying for mock exams, which I'm not because I can't fucking concentarte because I'm such a fucking fattie. I actually think I will do SHIT in these exams. FUUUCCCCKKK.

Current Location: Home
Current Music: Nadaaa
Current Mood: pissed off

With mum watching me like a hawk now, I was forced into eating breakfast. 
I want to fast because I've gained and I really hate myself right now. I went to the gym today. Worked out a bit. Pretty pathetic though, because I have no energy. 
Peaches and yoghurt and a berocca for breakfast. A largish bowl of cauliflower soup and a wholemeal roll for dinner, followed by one piece of slice and a sante bar. Now I have to find my chewing gum so I'm not tempted to binge. I have no self discipline though. It fucks me off. 
I need to get my weight back down. Fuck fuck FUCK it won't happen fast enough. And I spend all my time thinking about it. Gross.
Anyway, I've been accepted into the adolescent mental health program at the hospital, I think. It sounds okay.

Must dash loves. Got to find gum.
Bye

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Nothing
Current Location: Home

Well, had a visit to the doctors today. 
Went okay.
Had 7 blood tests (including thyroid, electrolytes, iron and other things)
Now just have to wait a few days for the results.
Ew, I hate waiting.
I'm cooking tea tonight. Pasta with chicken and eggplant and stuff. Yum.
But I've already had a milk drink and a piece of fatty citrus slice (I know, I'm pathetic)
So, I'm kind of worried.
The doctor is going to recommend me to the hospital for an adolescent programme.
Ciao

Well, once again I've fucked everything up. Fucking food.

Let me take you back to the weekend......Penny's party on Saturday night. Me and Monique grabbed Subway before. Roast chicken wrap....all good so far. Then came the three lemonade and bicardi (ick, i know). Then the massive piles of salt and vinegar chips. Then the rum and cokes. Then the TWO pieces of chocolate mudcake. Then the guilt.

That disgusting guilt. Followed by one of the most satisying purges I've ever had. Twice. I threw up a decent amount twice. I hardly ever can get much up. And I did then. But not all of it. And it turned to fat and got stuck on my body. I know I've put weight on. I'm DISGUSTING. So yesterday I had no food at all. Until tea. And then I had fries and a vege burger with salad. Massive mass. Followed by lemon youghurt cake. And a couple of chocolate biscuits. And then another session of throwing up in the toilet. The vomitng was less than satisfying....nothing even came up.

So today, weighing 53.6kg in the morning (fucking grossly fat, I know) I made the decision to not eat all day til tea. I stuck at it. Good shit for me. Then came tea. Vegetables. Masses of heavy, carby potatoes, pumpkin, kumara, broccoli and cauliflower. I feel SO fat. So heavy. I had three glasses of water. And the more cake. And ice cream with the cake. And a biscuit and a muesli bar. And another biscuit. Then I went straight to the bathroom and tried to get it up. Unsuccessfully. Like, I threw up. But I still way FAR too much. I make myself sick. Im so disgusting. How can I have the strength to go without eating all day and the fuck everything up within half an hour. So once again.....no eating tomorrow.

I do wonder if I would be better living with my grandma for a while. She could supply me with the love and cuddles I need at the moment. I'm just so overweight. I dont care what people say. I can't handle it. Ew. Gotta run.

Current Location: In hiding
Current Mood: angry