Happy New Year!

Let’s start with something fun. This week’s Equal-ish episode is fantastic, if I do say so myself. Make sure you add the Anna Machin interview to your pod feed this week. Rachel and I had a wonderful time chatting with her. I know I’ve said that before, but it’s true! This interview was so good, and I was so excited and energized by what she had to say, the same day we recorded I asked Evan to listen to the raw tape. And he loved it. I hope you do, too.

Anna is an evolutionary anthropologist, and she had some terrific insight to the age-old nurture vs. nature conversation when it comes to parenting and caregiving. This is one you’re going to want to share!

And if you missed our New Year’s Eve episode – go back and check that one out, too. We started the conversation that I’ll call Am I Gatekeeping, Or Am I Right? I think we’ve hit a nerve on this one, and we’ll be sure to continue this topic into 2026.

Now for the hard stuff. I wish I had an uplifting topic to start the year, but the news is pretty bleak right now. And with so much media attention (rightfully) going to Venezuela, I want to make sure this topic doesn’t sneak by under the radar.

The Washington Post recently published this article on disturbing images generated by Grok, the AI chatbot on Elon Musk’s X platform. As explained by the Post, people on X were asking Grok to manipulate photos of women and repost them wearing a bikini, lingerie, or dental floss. “The latest spate of such images has given new weight to accusations by watchdog groups, women’s advocates and foreign governments that the social media company is playing fast and loose with artificial intelligence while other companies enforce stricter guardrails.”

In a brief experiment, I spent about 20 minutes on ChatGPT trying to get the bot to help me create nude photos… and ChatGPT wouldn’t do it. Even after many prompts from various angles. So… good on Sam Altman? But, for now, Grok seems to be deviating from other mainstream chatbots, and that presents a risk for everyone - especially women and girls.

I think it’s important that we recognize this article is not describing a one-off phenomenon. This is not just a Grok or an X problem. And it’s definitely not a victimless crime. Tech-facilitated gender-based violence is everywhere. And whether users realize it or not, these kinds of sexualized manipulations of real peoples’ likenesses is dehumanizing, humiliating, and terrorizing women and girls.

For more on the intersection of tech and sexualization, I highly recommend Laura Bates’ most recent book, The New Age of Sexism.

I had the pleasure to meet Laura in person in October. She was in the US for her book tour, and I attended an event in DC. Here are some of the notes I typed into my my phone during the panel:

• 99% of deepfakes feature women. (In fact, many deepfake apps can’t even process a male body.)

• 96% of deepfakes represent non-consensual pornography.

• Many deepfake apps offer the first few pictures for free, which makes for easier access. (Especially for under-aged boys.)

• Women are 17 times more likely to experience tech-facilitated violence than men.

• Big tech companies have the ability to increase safety, but they are choosing not to, because they can make more money by allowing it.

• It isn’t just the tech companies – it is also our governments. During the Paris AI Action Summit, countries like the US and the UK prioritized tech development and innovation over the safety of women and girls.

This is not something that is happening to other people somewhere else. This is happening in every school district, in every community. People are using AI tools to generate (and digitally share) degrading pornographic deepfakes using the likeness of actual humans – girls in their class, women actors they like, female politicians they don’t like. It’s desensitizing viewers to images and acts that society would rightly condemn. And the effects on the women and girls who are targeted can be devastating.

Thankfully, some governments are expressing the kind of moral outrage that we should all feel. The UK’s Technology Secretary, Liz Kendall, is desperately working to curb Grok across the pond. Even in Japan – a country where exploitative pornographic comics flourish – senior government officials are publicly acknowledging the need to address the risks pornographic deepfakes pose to real people.

I admit, this is not a beach read. It’s scary, hard stuff. But it is necessary. And if Laura was brave enough to research and write this book – then we should be brave enough to read it and confront the reality she describes.

This newsletter will always arrive on a Wednesday afternoon. (Or evening.) This is in honor of my dad, who used to call Wednesdays “hump day.” He did this to cheer me up when I was a kid slugging my way through the week; he’d assure me I was already over the hump, and nearly to the weekend. So, when this hits your inbox – even if you don’t read it – think to yourself: congratulations! You made it over the hump, and the weekend will be here before you know it. (And this week we all REALLY need it. Was going back to work on Monday as painful for everyone else, too? Yeesh.)

I saw this sign earlier today. And and it made me pause. I know we want it to be the most wonderful time of the year. But the truth is that the holidays come with a lot of emotions and a lot of expectations, which can make December particularly hard.

Along with the cheer of the season, there’s also a lot of coping. Some people are coping with the fact that they have way too much on their plate – and not enough time to do it in; the franticness of it all suffocates away the joy. Others are coping with grief, loss and loneliness. And while everyone’s situation is unique, here are some things to keep in mind if you, or people you care about, are having a hard time this December.

Holiday Coping: Feeling Overwhelmed

My Equal-ish co-host Rachel Childs published this article in the Huffington Post over the weekend: ‘Tis the Season to Share the Mental Load.

When we take our usual packed calendar and over-extended lifestyle and then add a bunch of parties, gift-buying, familial expectations, and general magic making, it is easy to understand why the holidays can feel so hard. Our own fun can get buried under obligations and never-ending to-do lists.

Sometimes, just naming our feelings is help enough. And in 2025, we have great vocabulary to explain why we feel so stressed in December. [EM1] I’ve talked about these terms in previous posts, but they fit with the holidays too.

• There’s a longer than average to do list of physical tasks that require time and attention: baking cookies, buying gifts, sending cards, etc.

• There’s more cognitive labor (or thinking work) than usual: do you have the ingredients for cookies? When do you have time to stop and pick things up? Did you order everything on time to arrive by the 24^th? Do you have enough stamps? And not that stamps are 78¢ can I even afford to do these cards anymore?

• The emotional labor, the feeling work, is through the roof. Because it isn’t just the baking cookies – it is how your grandma will feel when you carry on a family recipe. It isn’t just buying gifts – it’s buying the perfect gift that crack the teenage angst on Christmas morning. It’s not just the cards – it is making sure you don’t forget anyone or hurt any feelings.

No wonder it feels like too much. Because it literally is too much! The Christmas mental load is way more than anyone can tackle alone. Even delegated amongst several adults, this is just A LOT.

I wish I had a magic solution or easy answer, but there isn’t one. Here’s the best I can offer, based on my own research and talking to other experts.

1. You can say no. Women and girls are socialized to believe that we have to put others’ needs ahead of our own. (Not all women of course, but broadly speaking.) We tend to take responsibility for the happiness of others, which leads us to say “yes” too often, making compromises and accommodations that inconvenience us for the sake of others. And this can easily go to an unhealthy degree, where our own wellness is sacrificed for the sake of others. We understand intellectually that we can say, “no,” but something stops us from doing it. I get it… I do it too! We desperately want to avoid disappointing others. But sometimes we just have to cut back on commitments to allow ourselves to breath.

2. Make time for yourself. If you are arranging a hectic calendar, you might as well make sure there are things in there for you. Whether it is time to exercise, watch a movie, see a friend, or take a nap – put it on the calendar. Whatever fills you up – make sure you get some of that over the next few weeks. (And if you don’t think there’s time for yourself, go back to #1.)

3. Make new (easier) traditions. There are so many activities during the holidays that fall into the “tradition” category. We do things over and over, because we think we have to. Because it is the way it has always be done. But sometimes we have to stop and think – do I want to do this? Does anyone else really want to do this? Sometimes NONE of us want to keep a tradition alive, but we all do it for the sake of others, without realizing that we’re all over it. Take time to talk through traditions with family and friends – you might find that no one really likes your homemade eggnog, that pizza delivery on Christmas Eve sounds great, or that everyone just wants to stay home in soft pants for New Year’s Eve.

Holiday Coping: Grief & Loneliness

This time of year is not happy for everyone, and I was reminded just how hard the holidays are for many this past weekend. I am currently doing some work for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), and during a workshop, some new friends bravely shared why the holidays are really hard for them.

December can churn up painful memories. We miss loved ones: both people who are deceased, and people who are no longer in our lives. We may mourn a life we used to have, or a life we wanted but never got. And those feelings are not made any easier by the constant stream of festive movies, cards, and decorations reminding us of what we should have, or what we should feel. No wonder so many people self-medicate to get through the holidays, or turn to self-harm.

If you’re reading this and you can’t wait for January 2, for whatever reason, I get that. And I am sorry you’re going through a hard time. I’ve been there, too.

There are a lot of places out there where you can find support. It probably doesn’t feel that way, because, in my experience, our culture is generally not open to talking about hard things for more than a few minutes. But you are not alone, and there are people out there who care.

• NAMI operates in all 50 U.S. states, offering free support groups for people experiencing any sort of mental illness, or for family members who are caring for someone with mental illness. And a lot of their support groups are virtual, so you can join from your own home. If you’re interested, you can find a support group here. (Note – NAMI is in no way sponsoring this content. I am passing this information along because I recently learned about this recourse, and I believe in it.)

• If you are going through something hard, or you feel lonely, and don’t have anyone to talk to about it, try Warmlines. This is a nation-wide network of peer supporters who are trained to listen with empathy, and offer a judgement-free space to talk. If you want to check them out, that link is here.

It is awkward to transition from that conversation about coping to talking about time off and joy…. but the reality is, many of us balance dual feelings on a daily basis. So, whatever your holidays look like, along with your coping, I hope you experience many moments of peace, relaxation, and joy.

Personally, I am looking forward to closing this computer on Friday afternoon, and taking some much needed time off. I am officially signing off substack for the year and hunkering down in my own soft pants next week. Thank you so much for being here in 2025. Sending everyone love and hugs as you celebrate and/or cope during the next few weeks. I’ll see you in January with fresh energy!

And while you’re driving, dish washing, folding laundry, cleaning, wrapping gifts or taking an extra loop around the block to clear your head - Rachel and I have new Equal-ish episodes lined up for December 24 & December 31. (Make sure you subscribe so you don’t miss any new episodes.) On the 24^th we will share our interview with Alex Trippier from the Be a Happier Parent podcast. Alex is very funny – and brutally honest – and I think you’ll really love that conversation. And on New Year’s Eve, we have our final Coaching Edit of 2025.

Happy New Year!

This newsletter will always arrive on a Wednesday afternoon. (Or evening.) This is in honor of my dad, who used to call Wednesdays “hump day.” He did this to cheer me up when I was a kid slugging my way through the week; he’d assure me I was already over the hump, and nearly to the weekend. So, when this hits your inbox – even if you don’t read it – think to yourself: congratulations! You made it over the hump, and the weekend will be here before you know it.

Many people have reached out and asked how the MOVE Your Marriage pilot went. And here’s my response!

But before reflections, I want to announce our first publicly available, 1-day MOVE we-treats in NYC! Saturday, Feb 28 & Sunday, March 1. Both run 10am - 4:30pm. Details can be found here. And read on for information about a discount code.

Our first MOVE invitation-only pilot event was held last month. And as a reminder, MOVE stands for:

M = Money

O = Operations

V = Values

E = Empathy

We had 9 wonderful couples join us for this one day workshop; their wide range of backgrounds and experiences brought diversity of opinions and perspectives to the event. Here’s a picture of the room just before everyone arrived!

These are the things that went really well:

• The feedback was that couples felt more aware, more connected, and more prepared leaving the space at the end of the day. YAY!

• We had a great conversation around household labor. We talked about why it is hard, and why all of us feel tired all the time.

• I tried a session that I have done around the world, and it worked in NYC too! Participants were receptive to the conversation about gender norms, how much they shaped our upbringing, and how much influence they still have on our lives today.

• Couples loved the conversation about money scripts – and how our economic situation growing up heavily creeps into the way we see the world when we grow up.

• Couples had really good conversations about family values – and how important it is to talk about, and prioritize, family values with your partner.

• I really loved the long format, in-person workshop. I often do short webinars, or panel presentations - but it was fantastic to have the time to listen to each couple, and really talk more deeply about issues. Having a full day together allowed for real reflection and thoughtful dialog.

• Holding the event at Workplayce was great! It was an ideal venue.

But a pilot is a pilot – and hindsight is a beautiful thing. There are a few things we need to change.

• Money is a really sensitive topic! We’re going to move some of the money material out of a group setting, and allow participants to work one-on-one with Brian Page post -workshop.

• I felt that the flow was slightly off in my session – we jumped straight from values to operations. But there is another step in there – you have to lay the groundwork to make operations possible, like identifying motivation and ensuring solid communication. I’m going to alter my sessions to include this piece in the February workshop.

• We heard that people really liked having one-on-one time with their spouse to talk about some of these tough topics in real time. We were encouraged to build even more break-out time for couples, and more household examples that do not revolve around kids.

• As suggested, we are tightening the material and making it 90 minutes shorter.

• Participants asked for a take-home packet of information… so we’re putting that together now!

How does one sign up? This link will take you to our website, and information about the spring we-treats. If you’re ready to commit, please sign up here. Readers of gender (in)equality get an extra perk… use the code KATE at check-out and you’ll get $250 off!

As I talked about in last week’s post – Dr. Sheehan Fisher explained that even when a couple values gender equality, society makes that HARD to operationalize that value. Generations of norms and policies are like that undertow in the ocean, even when you swim harder, it can pull you down. Writing your own rules requires time, intention, and talking through some really hard questions. And MOVE is a great opportunity to bring greater intention to your family structure.

If you’re interested, I hope you sign up! And if you have questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out; send me a comment, DM, or email me. I’m happy to chat and help you decide if MOVE is right for you.

And I would appreciate everyone’s help getting the word out. If you have friends, colleagues or family in the NYC area – please forward this along.

Check out this week’s episode of Equal-ish where we tackle a topic I’ve not heard elsewhere…. Coaching vs. Therapy. When a couple decides they need some expert advice, who do they call? We interviewed couple’s therapist Sarah Fishburn-Roberts to help us answer this question. (It wasn’t as straight forward as we thought it would be!)

This newsletter will always arrive on a Wednesday afternoon. (Or evening.) This is in honor of my dad, who used to call Wednesdays “hump day.” He did this to cheer me up when I was a kid slugging my way through the week; he’d assure me I was already over the hump, and nearly to the weekend. So, when this hits your inbox – even if you don’t read it – think to yourself: congratulations! You made it over the hump, and the weekend will be here before you know it.

I’ve had many new sign ups lately. If you are new, WELCOME! This substack comes out on (most) Wednesday afternoons. It is a bit of a grab-bag of gender news, updates on my work, and reflections on my own writing & research. And I always welcome reader feedback and ideas! Please feel free to leave a comment or just send me an email at AskKateMangino@gmail.com.

I will never put this newsletter behind a paywall, so feel free to share it with anyone who might be interested. Even with the advent of AI, word-of-mouth and personal recommendations are still the best way to reach new audiences. Thank you!

About two weeks ago, the Trump administration downgraded many professional education programs. And I want to make sure this is on your radar, because it will harm a wide range of caregiving professions.

Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD did a magnificent job of explaining why this is a problem (you can read her article here) so I won’t go into detail. But the crux of this issue is that many programs that were considered “professional” are no longer: registered nurses, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, social workers, occupational therapists, physical therapists, audiologists, and public health practitioners. The most immediate impact is that anyone who wants to study one of these fields will now face lower federal student loan borrowing limits. And as Finkelstein points out, considering that a nursing degree costs between $150,000 - $200,000, this new policy will make entering this critical profession prohibitively expensive for many.

But this policy change also says a lot about how our country values health workers. I write a lot about the current gender equality battles being waged in our public policy arena.

I believe that while getting more women into professional spaces is important, I think it’s more pressing that we develop policies to bring many more men into caregiving spaces. That work is hard enough - and it just got even harder, since we’ve further devalued paid caregiving work. Boys who are raised to believe they need to provide for their family are now even less incentivized to pursue a career in care work.

Do you have any thoughts? Are you currently working in one of these fields? Have a personal story about gender in that field? Let me know! I’d love to hear from you.

We have a new baby in our family! She was born two weeks ago, and so Thanksgiving was full of infant photos and chatter about how the new parents are doing. And over the past few days, I came to realize that it doesn’t matter if our own kids are 4, 14, or 40 – we can’t help but to reminisce about our own experiences. We see the hospital photos, and we think of our children’s birth. We see the tiny bundle back at home, and think of our own first days as a parent. I think this is all part of the fun and the joy of new life. These experiences and memories are what make humans human.

I’ve also realized this is a time when we can (albeit accidentally) pass along traditional gender and parenting norms – as well as outdated information – to the next generation. We are tempted to overshare our own stories; I caught myself doing exactly this! We can’t help but to bring our own biases and experiences into new conversations, and that can lead to confusion between facts and opinions; mix-ups between biology and socially constructed behavior.

So, here’s my takeaway from this weekend: when someone I love has a baby, I am going to talk less, and ask more questions. Here are a few ideas. And all of these are just as relevant for dads as they are for moms!

• How are you feeling, both physically and emotionally?

• Are you getting quality 1-on-1 time with the baby every day?

• What are you most unsure about? What questions do you have? Do you know where to find reliable answers? Or do you need help finding resources?

• Are you getting some rest time away from the baby every day?

And if you DO share a story of your own, make sure you contextualize it. Compartmentalize your experience with a preface like, “this happened 20 years ago, so things were different …” Or, “take this with a grain of salt, because this was just what we experienced...” Or, “I know we approach fathering differently now, but can you believe we …”

Coincidentally, the most recent Equal-ish episodes are with Dr. Sheehan Fisher – an expert on fathers’ perinatal health and a behavioral therapist for new parents. His interview (listen to it here) is one of my favorites! Check it out, and share it with all the new dads in your life. And today, the Dr. Fisher Coaching Edit dropped; you can listen to that here.

AND Dr. Fisher happened to be in DC this week! So I finally met him in person.

One great conversation thread we had tonight was about young couples. I told him that I often have trouble convincing young couples that they need to pay attention to the household equity issue early on, because everyone seems to think that they are different – that they will magically live equitably. And Dr. Fisher had a great response. I’m paraphrasing here, but he essentially said it really doesn’t matter if that couple is different – society is going to remain the same. Your extended family, friends, doctors, teachers, neighbors, bosses, and colleagues will continue to exhibit and to expect traditional gender norms. Our whole society still defaults to assuming mom is the primary parent and dad is the secondary parent – if he’s even considered at all.

These norms are like a strong undertow in an ocean. It doesn’t matter if you’re a great swimmer, you still get pulled under. Unless you learn how to swim parallel to the beach, you’ll end up out at sea. And you can’t just practice this trick once – you have to remember it every time you go in the water.

This newsletter will always arrive on a Wednesday afternoon. (Or evening.) This is in honor of my dad, who used to call Wednesdays “hump day.” He did this to cheer me up when I was a kid slugging my way through the week; he’d assure me I was already over the hump, and nearly to the weekend. So, when this hits your inbox – even if you don’t read it – think to yourself: congratulations! You made it over the hump, and the weekend will be here before you know it.

Quick update! And good news! In case you missed it, the Supreme Court has declined to revisit same sex marriage. I wrote about this in August, and you can read the background here. The court’s decision to not hear Davis’s petition reaffirms the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. (At least for now.) I realize the bar is pretty low for “good gender news” right now. But I’ll take what I can get.

I am excited, and proud, to share a new TEDx talk by my friend and colleague, Amber Johnson. I’ve used my fair share of TED Talks through the years for facilitation inspiration; I’ve woven them into presentations to help clarify a point. I rely on TED stuff because generally, I find the caliber of the videos to be high, the messages are interesting and unique, and the people spotlighted are great storytellers.

So when Amber’s video came out, I had so many questions for her about what the TEDx process was like behind the scenes; just as much as I love a good book origin story, I wanted to hear more about how this TEDx was made. And she was kind enough to do a Q&A with me!

But first, watch her amazing video about the power of asking better questions.

Kate: You had a very long timeline - from the time you were accepted, to the time your TEDx came out. Can you walk me through that a bit - so we can better appreciate how long these things take?

Amber: Each TEDx event operates on their own calendar. TEDxWilmette takes a long approach to give speakers time to really develop their ideas.

I was accepted in late 2024 and began working with my coach in January 2025. We had first drafts due in the spring, final drafts in the early summer, and by late summer we needed to be fully memorized. The talks were given in October—so 10 months of working on the same 10 minutes of content!

Kate: Oh! Tell me about this coach situation. Did you have to pay for it? How did they pair you up?

Amber: TEDxWilmette assigned me a coach as part of the process. (There was no payment.) The coaches are part of the TEDx community, people who have given talks or been part of the process year-after-year and know what a compelling talk involves.

My coach, Kristin, read each draft (there were 11 full drafts!) and made detailed recommendations. She’d return to earlier drafts to find insights that had been cut but now belonged again, or to suggest turns of phrase that better expressed my meaning.

Kristin pushed me—nagged, really—to talk about the bigger implications of my talk. I wanted to avoid talking about political polarization, but she insisted I try. She was right! It made the talk both more useful and more grounded.

Kate: I thought it was interesting that you were asked to write out your talk verbatim and then memorize it. Do you know what the rationale was for that approach? And how did you find that? I would think it is hard to memorize a word for word speech.

Amber: Yes! The TED style is to be fully memorized, with no notes. My normal approach to presentations is to map out my key points, and maybe give special thought to the opening moments, the closing moments, and the transitions between points. To be fully memorized was a challenge.

This was surprisingly beneficial. I gave the speech to all the speaking coaches a month before the event, and received really useful feedback that let me improve the content.

Specifically, they suggested I go through the script and highlight any word or phrase that conveyed emotion. Then work to embody that emotion as I delivered the phrase. This was great advice for me—I found ways to make the message of the speech clearer through my body language. I wouldn’t have had that ability if it wasn’t carefully memorized.

Kate: That’s interesting. I’m always very precise in the words I choose - but there is an art for how those words are delivered when spoken aloud. Can you give me an example? Maybe something that evolved during the practice part?

Amber: Sure—there is a part of my talk where I say that feeling misunderstood is a complaint that lands couples in therapy. As I said the phrase, “I don’t feel understood by you,” I tried to embody the anger and frustration you might hear in the therapist’s office. (I was going for a bit of a snarl—you’ll have to let me know how I did!)

Kate: Tell us about dress rehearsal day. Did anything unexpected happen? DId that actually make you feel better... or was it hard for them to repeat the energy the next day?

Amber: We did a full-dress rehearsal the evening before the speeches. I was terrified I was going to spill something on my carefully selected outfit! But luckily, nothing catastrophic happened.

Instead, I was able to stand on the stage, feel the spotlights on my face, and give the speech fully. I suspect that practice helped calm nerves the next day.

Kate: On recording day, I know you had a tech glitch. Nightmare! Can you walk us through that, and explain how you handled it?

Amber: Yes! We had a professional light, sound, and video crew who did a great job making us look and sound good. Everything went perfectly for the five other speakers. Unfortunately, my lapel mic cut out. The team reacted quickly and brought me a handheld. And maybe because I’d spent so much time rehearsing, I recovered quickly. On the video, you have to pay close attention to see when the switch happens.

So in the end, all is well that ends well. But I have to say—my nervous personality was worried about how smooth it would all look on the recording. Petty, but true. I just wanted it all to be perfect!

Kate: I agree - I knew about the glitch before I watched the video - so I was sort of listening for it. But I still didn’t catch it! So they did a good job of covering that up. And kudos to you for keeping that going.

OK glitch aside, how do you feel about it - not that the process is behind you? Any “aha” moments? Any advice for others who do something similar?

Amber: This was a bucket list moment for me—to share ideas that really matter to me through the TEDx network, which I have such respect for.

What I learned most is how much better my work gets when I take feedback offered by smart, invested people. I’m amazed at how much stronger Draft 11 was than Draft 1, and that’s because my coach and others were honest about where I could make it better.

Kate: After we all watch your video, how can we support you?

Amber: Most of all, I just want to hear how people use the content. The talk contains two simple but significant ideas for improving the questions you ask, so you can strengthen relationships with the people who matter most to you.

If you find the content useful, then subscribe to my free newsletter, so you can get more ideas on improving your communication and leadership each week.

Last week on Equal-ish, Rachel and I chatted with George Gabriel, co-founder of the Dad Shift. This is one of the organizations working to change paternity leave in the UK. Check it out to learn more about how the fatherhood landscape is changing. And today, our George Coaching Edit is out! (Warning - I go on a bit of a rant about grandparents. All with love!)

This newsletter will always arrive on a Wednesday afternoon. This is in honor of my dad, who used to call Wednesdays “hump day.” He did this to cheer me up when I was a kid slugging my way through the week; he’d assure me I was already over the hump, and nearly to the weekend. So, when this hits your inbox – even if you don’t read it – think to yourself: congratulations! You made it over the hump, and the weekend will be here before you know it.