Divest!
There’s a common refrain I’ve been hearing from gay men over the past few years.
“The apps are horrible.”
“The apps are trash.”
“The apps ain’t shit.”
And yet, gay men are still on these apps. Hell, as of last year, I was still on them myself! And I’ve been on them for at least a decade. (I say that mainly because I don’t even remember when I started, but I definitely had a long-term fuckbuddy I met from Growlr back in 2015 or so.) There was a level of accessibility and anonymity that the apps provided that worked with my life and my schedule, and the norms around meeting people from there (or from the Internet in general) had made it a common and acceptable practice.
I think that’s where the current disillusionment took root though. It’s already a pain in the ass trying to flatten my multitudes into simple stats and a few well-angled photos, hoping that this trading card version of myself is enough to sustain a few superficial interactions in the hopes of getting some action. But now, especially since the pandemic, the apps are oversaturated as fuck. That’s all given birth to an extremely toxic environment where I’m dismissed with a swipe or a block before any kind of conversation takes place. It’s so draining and disappointing.
On top of that, there are all the nasty, angry profiles, the ridiculous body shaming, the femmephobia, the racism, the hypersexualization, the harassment...all this for the hope of some instant gratification because hey, I’ve got the app right here in my hand! Who needs to go out to the club or meet people in a communal third space? But the trade-off for convenience is always sacrificing something else. In this case, me and my needs are the trade-off.
But this year, I’m finally kicking the app habit cold turkey and completely abstaining from them. It’s been about two weeks now since I deleted my profiles and uninstalled them. I’m even telling IRL friends so they can keep me honest.
As you can probably guess, even this comes with some pushback.
“The apps are what you make them.”
“I mean, the apps are fine for me.”
“You’ll be back.”
True -- the apps are what you make it. But the systemic issues I mentioned before still run rampant on that platform. And because the apps have monetized the shit out of their features, having the option to customize your experience is locked behind a paywall. So now I have to pay money to possibly have a better experience in a setting rife with negativity and unrealistic expectations? How did we fall so far?
While the apps probably had the initial premise of fostering authentic connection -- and for a lot of guys, they do find that there! -- that’s never been my experience. And the older I’ve gotten, the worse the experience has been. So instead of trying to bang my head against the wall in hopes of getting my head banged against my headboard, I’m divesting from the apps.
Will I trade this for IRL experiences or will I end up reinstalling the apps and making new profiles before I turn 45? Stay tuned!
