Shocks, Transformation, and Being True: Exploring Gate 51 in My and My Son’s Human Design

~ Karin ~ Leave a comment

Another lens I’ve been using to make sense of our journeys is Human Design. It’s a system that blends astrology, the I Ching, and other traditions to create a personal map based on your birth time and date. The chart shows how your energy works through things called centers (like energy hubs), gates (specific themes or traits), and channels (connections between gates that show how different energies flow together). In this post, I focus on Gate 51 and the Channel 25–51, and how these themes have played out in both my life and my son’s.

Finn and I both have Gate 51 active (unconscious, marked red in our Human Design charts). This is the Gate of Shock, which means we both experience shocks in our lives—and we may shock others just by being who we are.

I can definitely see how the element of shock was present. Finn coming out as trans was shocking for us as parents. But it wasn’t just that he came out as trans—it was also completely unexpected. Until he told us at age thirteen, he had been like any other girl. Then he said, “Mom, I’m a boy.”

After that, we shocked others. Finn shocked his teachers at school, and I shocked some members of our family by supporting him.

On top of that, we both have Line 5 connected with this gate, making it Gate 51.5 for both of us. Line 5 is about embracing the inner heretic and challenging the status quo.

I see that heretic energy not only in the trans journey but also in my own journey with feminism. Just by being myself, I collided with societal expectations.

What’s more, I don’t just have Gate 51—I have the entire Channel 25-51, where Gate 25 is conscious (black) and Gate 51 is unconscious (red). This is known as the Channel of Initiation. It represents initiation through challenge or shock, leading to transformation. This means I take on challenges and shocks for personal growth and use them to create transformation—in myself and in others.

When I look back at both my journey with feminism and my son’s journey as a trans person, this resonates deeply. Both journeys involved challenges. By being myself and supporting Finn in being himself, I had to update my worldview about gender—and I also impacted many people by showing them that their worldviews might need an update too.

If you want to get your own free Human Design chart, you can visit https://www.jovianarchive.com.

***

This post is part of an online book about my journey with feminism and my son’s transgender journey. You can access the table of contents with links to each chapter here: TOC.

Aries North Node

~ Karin ~ Leave a comment

Another lens I’ve been exploring to make sense of my journey—both with feminism and my son’s experience as a trans boy—is astrology. I’m new to it and still quite a beginner, but one concept that really resonated with me (thanks to a reading from fellow blogger Linda) is the idea of the Moon’s nodes.

The South Node represents where we come from, what feels familiar and comfortable. The North Node points to where we’re headed: our direction for growth and personal development.

In my case, I have a Libra South Node, which means I’m naturally comfortable playing the role of peacekeeper and making compromises. I often prioritize harmony, sometimes at the expense of my own needs. But my North Node is in Aries, and that calls for something very different. I’m meant to stand up for myself, speak my truth, and pursue my own goals, even if it means upsetting others. It also means learning to express my anger in healthy, direct ways and putting my sense of self before relationships.

Loving myself, in this context, also meant learning to trust my own inner knowing.

Looking back, I can see that life placed me in situations where I had to show Aries qualities. As a woman in a patriarchal society, I was pushed to assert myself. And as the mother of a trans child, I had to protect and guide my son, even when some people in my family and parts of society were against it. I had to speak up for Finn when he couldn’t yet speak up for himself. And in order to do that, I had to stop caring about whether it would make people uncomfortable.

Did I disagree with my husband? With the psychiatrist or the high school principal? Then I had to say so and be willing to deal with the backlash.

It wasn’t easy, but I now see that this path—this repeated call to stand firm, to speak up, to lead with courage—is exactly what my Aries North Node is about.

(If you’d like to find out your own North and South Node placements, you can use this link: Calculate your Moon Nodes.)

***

This post is part of an online book about my journey with feminism and my son’s transgender journey. You can access the table of contents with links to each chapter here: TOC.

Channelings: The Deeper Story

~ Karin ~ 2 Comments

In November 2016, I received a channeling from someone who had blogged on WordPress and was beginning to explore his channeling abilities.

At the time, Finn had recently come out as trans, and my mind was full of questions. Was this real, or just a phase? What was the deeper meaning behind it?

His channeled guides said it was most likely not a phase.

Okay, good to know, I thought. I was already leaning in that direction myself. But I was getting so much pushback—from my family and from the school. And Finn’s coming out had been so sudden. Up until age thirteen, he had presented more like a typical girl. All of it made me question my own beliefs.

The channeling also said that transgender people are courageous and that they come into this world to shake up the norms. I could believe that. Facing this much friction from a society that isn’t ready takes a strong soul with a lot of courage.

Later, in the summer of 2017, I received another channeling from someone else. This time, I asked about the origins of my rheumatoid arthritis, which had started right after Finn’s birth. The channeling revealed a number of things about past lives, soul contracts, vows, beliefs, and more. It also said that Finn and I had shared several past lives together.

One of those lives, I was told, was directly connected to his trans journey.

Twelve lifetimes ago, my father was sick. I made a soul-level promise to heal him. We spent time together and enjoyed each other’s company until he died.

He wanted me to inherit everything.

But because I was a woman, I could not. I was left poor, completely at the mercy of others. I had given up my own life to help him, and in the end, I was left with nothing.

The channeling said that the father from that past life is now Finn.

It also said that I carry a karmic desire to help my child heal. At the same time, I carry a fear, perhaps even a deep certainty, that doing so will cost me everything. This echoes the past life, where I sacrificed everything for my father and was left with nothing.

The message tied this old pattern to a lingering feeling of being at the mercy of others or of illness itself. According to the channeling, that pattern was now ready to be cleared.

While my RA did not improve after the session, I found the story compelling. It gave context to the anxiety I carried: that if I supported my child on his path, I might lose something. At the time, my husband had a few choleric outbursts about the whole “trans thing,” and I didn’t know how to respond or whether our marriage would survive. There was a constant sense of friction in our family.

Eventually, my husband came around. He accepted Finn as a boy. And our marriage did survive. But it was a rocky road.

***

This post is part of an online book about my journey with feminism and my son’s transgender journey. You can access the table of contents with links to each chapter here: TOC.

The Courage to Be Ourselves

~ Karin ~ 5 Comments

I believe that we are consciousness going through many incarnations. And we plan our challenges before we arrive in each lifetime.

In a previous post, I wrote about three separate astrology reports that all pointed to Finn coming out as trans. That convergence felt like confirmation—that this part of his path was planned. It helped quiet the guilt I had carried about using progesterone gel during my first trimester, and the persistent, painful question of whether the medication might have somehow caused it. But it didn’t tell me why Finn was trans.

There was more. Subtler signs came through my inner voice.

Before I started this blog, while still wrestling with my resistance to coming out of hiding about my spiritual life, I asked why I needed to write at all. I kept receiving gentle nudges from my guidance. And then, one day, I heard my inner voice answer clearly: “To give back to her.”

At the time, I didn’t fully understand. The message referred to my older child, whom I still believed to be my daughter. It would be more than two years before Finn came out as trans.

At first, I didn’t understand. What had my child given me that I needed to return?

Shortly after his birth, I developed rheumatoid arthritis. It was an unpleasant and difficult period, but it became the start of something unexpected. My search for healing led me to homeopathy, which in turn opened the door to a spiritual awakening.

Was that his gift to me—the catalyst that put me on this path, one I now felt called to share through my blog?

Or was it something deeper—something about living with authenticity? About daring to be yourself, unapologetically?

I had experienced things that didn’t fit within a strictly materialist worldview. Lightbulbs would burn out when I was angry. When I felt deeply at peace, small wishes would often manifest almost instantly. These moments, strange as they seemed, became part of my reality. And when I finally gathered the courage to come out of the spiritual closet and write about them publicly, perhaps that helped clear a path.

Maybe by stepping into my truth first, Finn could later step into his, with equal courage.

That may be the thread that binds our stories: the shared journey of being yourself, unapologetically. For me, it was feminism and spirituality. For Finn, it was being transgender. This felt like another piece of the puzzle, another insight into the deeper why behind it all.

***

This post is part of an online book about my journey with feminism and my son’s transgender journey. You can access the table of contents with links to each chapter here: TOC.

Looking Back and Trying to Make Sense of It All

~ Karin ~ 3 Comments

It’s time to look back over the journey. Why did this happen? Why did I have a transgender child?

There’s no definite, provable answer. But there are layers—layers of possibility, layers of meaning.

One possible explanation is biological. I’ve wondered if my use of progesterone gel during the first trimester of pregnancy had any influence. Could that have contributed? Perhaps. But children can be female-to-male (FTM) transgender even when no progesterone was taken during pregnancy. Still, I couldn’t help but question whether this hormone had some role, especially considering the noticeable rise in FTM transitions in recent years.

Another layer of meaning is harder to quantify but just as compelling. I’ve come to see Finn’s transition as intertwined with my own journey through feminism. For years, I carried a burning question: What is it that makes people grow up into men and women? Behind that question was fury. Why did it seem that smart, assertive men became more respected and desired, while smart, assertive women were labeled “difficult,” even unlovable?

What really makes a man a man? Is it biology? Or is it upbringing—what society teaches us?

In a way, life answered my questions by sending me a transgender child. For the first thirteen years of life, Finn behaved like a typical girl. Then, seemingly overnight, everything changed.

The most profound revelation for me was this: beyond genes and hormones, there’s a neural structure in the brain that plays a role in gender identity. If that brain structure is male, then the person feels male, even if their biological sex says otherwise. (More details in this post about the neurobiology of transidentity.) I hadn’t known this. It was the missing link for me. And crucially, it belongs to biology, not psychology or mental health. That distinction mattered.

The second big realization came later: once transgender men start testosterone and develop a deeper voice, society reacts. They gain respect, but often lose intimacy. A deep voice commands authority. People interrupt them less. They are taken more seriously. But they also lose something—those close, sisterly bonds with women who once saw them as one of their own. Now, they’re perceived as men—and, sometimes, as a threat. This article shares more details about what trans men experience after they transition: https://time.com/transgender-men-sexism/

There’s no single reason for what happened. Many forces are at work—biology (genes, hormones, brain structure) and society (its expectations, assumptions, and norms). All of them matter. All of them shape a life.

So, the progesterone gel or the connection of my feminism journey and Finn’s trans journey are two aspects (among many others) I pondered when trying to make sense of it all.

***

This post is part of an online book about my journey with feminism and my son’s transgender journey. You can access the table of contents with links to each chapter here: TOC.

Top Surgery

~ Karin ~ Leave a comment

By the spring of 2023, Finn was ready to schedule his top surgery. He had to consider that he wouldn’t be able to attend university for at least two weeks, so he chose a time slot when he wouldn’t miss critical events like written exams or important lab work.

The hospital was located close to where we live, and I could visit Finn with just a one-hour bus ride—something I was deeply grateful for.

The surgery went well. We visited Finn twice in the hospital, and after three nights, we were able to bring him home.

At home, he needed some assistance, as he couldn’t lift his arms above his shoulders. Fortunately, I was working remotely during that time and could help whenever he needed support.

The healing process took several weeks, during which Finn was unable to continue his usual dance training. But he recovered steadily, and I felt nothing but relief and gratitude that the ordeal was behind him and that he was healing well.

Before the surgery, even though his breasts had been small, Finn had always felt uneasy exposing his chest in public. After surgery, with a body that looked and felt more aligned with who he is, he felt confident going swimming and visiting the sauna.

Looking back, I thought about all the people who told me to wait—that “it’s just a phase.” I remembered the email from the psychotherapist who described Finn’s desire to remove his breasts as “highly autoaggressive.” She compared his experience to anorexia and proposed a form of treatment that involved forbidding his transition and helping him “tolerate his sadness.”

But it wasn’t just a phase.

And the desire to remove his breasts wasn’t autoaggressive—it was affirming, healing, and right for him.

With this surgery—nearly seven years after Finn came out in the summer of 2016—his transition was complete.

***

This post is part of an online book about my journey with feminism and my son’s transgender journey. You can access the table of contents with links to each chapter here: TOC.

Getting Top Surgery Approval from the Statutory Health Insurance

~ Karin ~ 2 Comments

Finn had originally intended to get top surgery in 2021, when he would be eighteen years old and had graduated from high school. But there were a couple of delays. Not only did the COVID-19 pandemic shut everything down, but in 2021 and 2022, Finn was also busy with other plans. After high school, he spent half a year volunteering and then traveled for three months. He didn’t mind the delay. Since his breasts were small, he didn’t feel a strong urgency to have the surgery done right away.

In the fall of 2022, he began studying at a university. Some time afterward, he found the energy to take on the task of submitting the application for top surgery to our health insurance provider. Up to that point, I had handled most of the planning and communication with doctors. But now that Finn was an adult, he took care of everything himself.

I had already compiled a binder with all the necessary documents and had researched online forums to find recommended surgeons in our region. I noted the names of at least two surgeons not too far from us and passed them along to Finn.

Many trans people travel to Düsseldorf for top surgery, but that would have been a three-hour drive from our home and simply too inconvenient. Visiting Finn in the hospital would have meant booking accommodations in Düsseldorf for several nights, and I would have had to take time off from work. I hoped we could avoid all that.

Finn scheduled consultations with both of the nearby surgeons. They had differing opinions on the best surgical method. One recommended large incisions, despite Finn’s small breast size. The other was comfortable using smaller incisions. Finn preferred the latter, as small incisions result in barely visible scars, and he ultimately chose the surgeon who was located closer to home.

Next, Finn gathered all the documents required by the health insurance provider. He had to write another trans-related résumé as part of the application. The first time he had to write such a document—for the legal name and gender change—it had been a slow process. This time, though, he was more motivated and able to complete it without much procrastination. As required, he included a report from his chosen surgeon, along with other supporting documents such as his psychiatrist’s report and expert opinions from the legal name and gender change process.

He sent the large packet of documents to the health insurance provider and waited.

Fortunately, in the winter of 2022–23, the cost of the surgery was approved without delay or further discussion. That was a huge relief and not something we took for granted. I had read stories of other trans people who faced significant obstacles in getting approval.

***

This post is part of an online book about my journey with feminism and my son’s transgender journey. You can access the table of contents with links to each chapter here: TOC.

Receiving the Psychiatric Report for Top Surgery

~ Karin ~ Leave a comment

Finn always knew he wanted top surgery at some point. His breasts were small, and for the time being, he was comfortable concealing them with a sports bra. He didn’t need to wear a tight, uncomfortable binder. While I knew of other transgender youth who sought top surgery as early as sixteen, Finn preferred to wait until he was at least eighteen.

After navigating the legal name and gender change process, I was exhausted and relieved to know that he intended to wait on top surgery, leaving him to manage the entire process on his own this time. However, I still wanted to support him as much as possible. So, I reached out to the statutory health insurance provider to inquire about the documentation they would require when Finn applied for coverage of the surgery.

They sent me a lengthy list of required documents, including, among other things, a trans-related resume, endocrinology reports, two expert opinions, and the court order for the name and gender change. Additionally, the health insurance company would need a psychiatric report from Finn’s psychiatrist, Ms. White, recommending top surgery. Finn had stopped seeing her for therapy in late 2019, but we desperately needed her to write this report for the insurance.

Knowing Ms. White’s tendency to be delayed with paperwork, I was eager to secure the report while Finn still had contact with her. I feared that, if we waited too long, Finn might be over twenty-one and no longer eligible for therapy with Ms. White—she only treated children and adolescents. In that case, we would have to start the process over with a new therapist, go through multiple sessions, and obtain a new psychiatric report. No more therapy sessions, please. We wanted to avoid that scenario.

So, in September 2019, during one of Finn’s final therapy sessions with Ms. White, I asked her to write the psychiatric report for top surgery. Since she had little experience writing such documents, I had done my research in advance, consulting online forums for parents of transgender children to understand what needed to be included in the letter. I then informed Ms. White of these details: how long Finn had been on testosterone, how long he had been in therapy, how many months he had been living in his affirmed gender role, the exclusion of other mental health conditions, and the severe psychological distress Finn was experiencing, which warranted a recommendation for top surgery.

Ms. White agreed to write the letter.

Then, we waited. And waited.

I contacted her repeatedly over the following months by phone and email. Yet, nothing happened.

In September 2020—one year after my initial request—we finally received her letter, along with the bill. Unfortunately, the letter contained several errors.

I requested corrections and paid the bill.

And we waited some more. Again, I reached out to the practice multiple times. In December 2020, I reminded them that if they continued to delay, they would not only need to address the previously requested corrections but also update the statement about Finn’s age, as he would soon be turning eighteen.

Finally, more than a year after my initial request, we received the corrected version of the psychiatric report. I was relieved that this chapter was over. I would never again have to chase after the procrastinating Ms. White for a psychiatric report.

I copied all the important documents Finn would need for his top surgery application and placed them in a separate binder. Then, I mentally closed that chapter.

***

This post is part of an online book about my journey with feminism and my son’s transgender journey. You can access the table of contents with links to each chapter here: TOC.

A New Law in 2024: The Self-Determination Act

~ Karin ~ Leave a comment

The legal framework governing name and gender changes for transgender people in Germany had been based on the Transsexual Act of 1981, which was in dire need of reform.

In May 2019, a proposal for a new law was introduced. As an active member of an online forum for parents of trans children, we had the opportunity to give our opinions regarding the draft version. However, the initial version of the law was met with significant criticism. Although it reduced the number of required expert opinions from two to one—and made the process free of charge—there would still be a court procedure involved. The most shocking aspect was that the spouse’s opinion would be required before a legal name and gender change could be made. Imagine being a female-to-male trans person and being told that your husband must approve your decision to transition. If he refused, your transition would be blocked.

While the law was intended to be an improvement, it sparked outrage within the trans community and never came to fruition.

In 2020, another attempt was made to overhaul the outdated Transsexual Act. This time, the draft was much more aligned with the needs of the trans community. However, it wasn’t until a new government, free from the influence of the conservative party, took office in 2021 that real progress was made.

By November 2024, the new Self-Determination Act came into effect. Under this law, trans individuals no longer need medical or psychological expert opinions to change their name or gender. Instead, they can simply visit the civil registry office and ask for the change to be made.

As I write this in April 2025, the Self-Determination Act has been in effect for five months, and it has been a blessing for the trans community.

However, the political landscape is shifting once again. In February 2025, elections in Germany resulted in the return of the conservative party to power. Now, they might want to abolish the Self-Determination Act. I sincerely hope they don’t succeed.

***

This post is part of an online book about my journey with feminism and my son’s transgender journey. You can access the table of contents with links to each chapter here: TOC.

A Temporary Easier Path

~ Karin ~ Leave a comment

Just as we had finally completed the difficult process of obtaining two expert opinions for the legal name and gender change, a legal loophole unexpectedly appeared, offering a much simpler route for trans people to change their name and gender. In early 2019, a new law came into effect allowing intersex people to change their name and gender without undergoing the lengthy process that required two expert opinions, substantial costs, and court approval. However, the law was worded in such a way that some in the trans community quickly recognized that this law could potentially benefit them as well.

Over the following months, I watched as many trans individuals took advantage of this loophole. With only a brief written statement from a doctor saying that they had a “variant of sexual development,” they could go directly to the civil registry office to change their name and gender. It seemed almost too easy, and I couldn’t help but feel happy for those who were able to bypass the struggle we had endured.

I found myself wondering if we should have taken the same route. Had I been too eager to push for the process we were currently following? If I had been more patient, perhaps we could have used this easier method ourselves. But then again, we already had the two expert opinions, which would not only help with the name and gender change but also with the necessary approval for top surgery later on. So, in the end, perhaps it had all worked out for the best.

Unfortunately, this loophole didn’t last. By April 2019, it was clarified that the new law was intended solely for intersex people. And in 2020, the Federal Supreme Court ruled to confirm that the law was not applicable to trans people. A disappointing setback for the trans community.

***

This post is part of an online book about my journey with feminism and my son’s transgender journey. You can access the table of contents with links to each chapter here: TOC.