because if it's not love, then it's the bomb

juniper137 @ 2012-04-05T10:53:00

2012-04-05T14:53:28Z

Today is the last day, or the last day of not trying to the point of expiration.
Today is the day I make a promise to myself.
I promise.
I can do it.
I can be.
I will.

juniper137 @ 2011-01-21T10:38:00

2011-01-21T15:38:28Z

expectations:

if it's the beaches
if it's the beaches' sands you want
then you will have them
if it's the mountains' bending rivers
then you will have them
if it's the wish to run away
then i will grant it
take whatever you think of
while i go gas up the truck
pack the old love letters up
we will read them when
we forget why we left here

reality:

juniper137 @ 2011-01-08T13:32:00

2011-01-08T18:32:21Z

She said losing love is like a window in your heart,
everybody sees you’re blown apart,
everybody sees the wind blow…

love is like a bottle of gin / but a bottle of gin is not like love

2010-12-13T16:58:05Z

though my wrists and my waist seemed so easy to break
still, my dear, I would have walked you to the very edge of the water
and they will recognise all the lines of your face
in the face of the daughter of the daughter of my daughter

darling, we will be fine, but what was yours and mine
appears to be a sandcastle that the gibbering wave takes
but if it's all just the same, then will you say my name:
say my name in the morning, so I know when the wave breaks?

I wasn't born of a whistle or milked from a thistle at twilight
no, I was all horns and thorns, sprung out fully formed, knock-kneed and upright
so: enough of this terror
we deserve to know light
and grow evermore lighter and lighter
you would have seen me through
but I could not undo that desire

oh, desire...

from the top of the flight
of the wide, white stairs
through the rest of my life
do you wait for me there?

juniper137 @ 2010-12-07T17:58:00

2010-12-07T22:58:05Z

You should be a better role model, Mom.

juniper137 @ 2010-12-02T09:37:00

2010-12-02T14:37:26Z

* - "If loving me is wrong, then god damn you do it right."

+ - "I'm so full of love it deeply sickens me."

juniper137 @ 2010-11-25T02:49:00

2010-11-25T07:49:32Z

It's just this thing where I'm still learning how to fall asleep without you.

juniper137 @ 2010-11-21T00:04:00

2010-11-21T05:04:00Z

every night before falling asleep i have a panic attack
i can feel my heart racing

In the Père Lachaise Cemetery

2010-11-11T05:44:09Z

When I go to Paris, this is undoubtedly one of my stops. I will be wearing lipstick that day, because it will be a very special occasion. (:

Proust, Colette, and Chopin are also buried there.

juniper137 @ 2010-11-11T00:14:00

2010-11-11T05:14:18Z

and i think we all just want a fairy tale, really. we need a bed time story come to life.
not to live, for our own, just existing at the same time as we are.

juniper137 @ 2010-10-28T12:04:00

2010-10-28T16:04:27Z

I just want to have a sit-down conversation with someone. Talk for hours.

Texts, email, phone calls are bumming me out.

juniper137 @ 2010-09-30T13:52:00

2010-09-30T17:51:11Z

I will buy us an acre of some land in the city

We could live there together

Or I'll live alone
Less happy

But I'll live
Unfortunately

oh, comely

2010-09-22T07:37:09Z

"why are you leaving me?
he wrote, i do not know how to live.
i do not know either but i am trying.
i do not know how to try.
there were some things i wanted to tell him. but i knew they would hurt him. so i buried them and let them hurt me."

Ooh maybe it's time, time, time for anything at all. Time to let it all fall where it may.

2010-08-02T09:34:56Z

Bolivia, Brazil, Colombia, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Ghana, Honduras, India, Indonesia, Kenya, Mexico, Mozambique, Nepal, Nigeria, The Philippines, Uganda...
Sri Lanka?? Sri Lanka!
Hmmm.

Google tells me that the sunrise is in 24 minutes. No point in going to sleep now.

there's never been a time more opportune.

2010-08-02T05:33:50Z

"It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

'Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND DEPENDENCE
WHEN YOU KNOW THE MAKER'S LAND

'Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"

song speaks the soul

2010-07-24T03:25:14Z

"I should be happy
Prime of my life
Singular wild and free.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
But I still want to be everything,
Have you every wanted to be everything?
Sometimes the dreaming gets so overwhelming.
So many places, so many places.

Take me down to the ocean to the ever-lapping shore
Fly me high in the mountains, where it's all one open door.
Drive me into the city where the crazies come out at night
And I'll be one of them, I'll be one of them this time.

I should be willing,
I should be down for the adventure
Standing up and stabbing westward
On and along the trail.
Pick up my things and bail.

But there's so much unfinished,
So much open-ended business
And sadness and pleasure so close together
I can't seem to tell the difference.
Better take it all, I guess.

Give me Friday night apartments with red-faced tears of laughter.
Jumping up and down, drinking happy ever-after
Build a wall of good people and you can't beat a young man's pride
So I'll be one of them, I'll be one of them this time.

Open my eyes and make me wonder,
Show me all there is to see.
Give me music and more people
Dirty magazines and poetry.

Give me variety in all it's forms,
Give me everything, then give me more and more and more.
Give me something I can taste, that I can see,
That I can feel, that I can be.
Variety.
Variety.

Variety wont bring her back to me.
I should be happy,
Prime of my life.
Single and wild and far from free.
And bound by all this variety.

And now there's too much of everything,
Did I ever really want to be everything?
And now the memories are so overwhelming:
So many places
So many places where she used to be."

I originally only wanted to post the un-cut part of this song... But I don't know, I guess that it better expresses my insides in its entirety. All that I'm feeling, not just the desired bits.
I'm excited -- exhilarated.
Terrified, too.

But awake. Above all, awake.

juniper137 @ 2010-07-17T17:59:00

2010-07-17T21:59:12Z

Me: a self-defeating, over-analyzer.

Blah.

juniper137 @ 2010-05-08T01:08:00

2010-05-08T05:08:51Z

people, people, people, they make it sound so easy
they say just do what your heart tells you to
but sometimes you cannot feel it
sometimes you cannot hear it
sometimes it won't talk back to you

"it's everything that is connected and beautiful."

2010-04-13T05:11:55Z

elliot smith and the mountain goats and "kissing families" and music in my ears and heart.

sleepy eyes and aching bones, but some things flare up with love, love, love. (:

summer is so close, and my life is unfolding, not some time in the future, but every day. life is here and it's good.

fate is okay.

easter sunday this year i felt such overwhelming joy at being alive. it was the first time in a while that i felt like my depression might not come back and take over somewhere down the line. like, it'll be there in the back of my skull, maybe forever, but it's like that day i realized that it doesn't have to overpower me again. i can live with it, and live without it a lot of the time to.

juniper137 @ 2010-02-09T23:03:00

2010-02-10T04:03:14Z

If your thoughts should turn to death

Gotta stomp them out

Like a cigarette

I feel it all.

2010-01-31T03:21:55Z

Sometimes I wish I could change my name, had a different name just so I wouldn't have to hear my mom shout it up the stairs.

I wish it would get warmer. I miss nature! I want to reacquaint my toes with the feeling of grass, my shoulders with sun, my hips with skirts. I want to find climbing trees.
(I want my own yard to fill with wildflowers, herbs, sunflowers, & daisies.)

I want to go kayaking and hiking. Waterfalls, campfires. Hammocks and sailboats. I want to paint henna designs on freckled skin under tree tops glowing green, illuminated by sunshine.
I want to read "Leaves of Grass" in the shade.

````````````

"Fishing for my keys outside of your front door in the diesel-dark slush of a cold November night.
The rumble of the wind absorbs each passing sound, but somehow you’ve got me believing in a silence that’s not born of solitude, but from compassion left just holding its breath.
But gravity won’t fail to make its presence felt or to wage war on unmedicated sleep.
Its merciless advance muscles me aside into the sharp nape of a snowdrift.

But if I make it through this winter...if I make it through this winter. If I make it through this winter, I think I’ll be okay.

The few remaining birds, they leap from leafless trees to circle right above us, and, you know, their patterns are so strict, they seem etched into the sky.
Oh, you squawking, starving heralds of impenetrable darkness all day long...and of the chemicals that set with every sun.
So while drivers skid to stops and take down license plates, their patience worn and weathered as their skills, my own nerves bend and fray like branches glazed with ice...until I see you trudging with me.

But if I make it through this winter...if I make it through this winter. If I make it through this winter, I think I’ll be okay.

Last year’s robbery, this year’s absent friends: they all linger in the scars on every wall. And there’s nothing left to take; I found solace in that. But now I need something worth losing.

But if I make it through this winter...if I make it through this winter. If I make it through this winter, I think I’ll be okay."

5 yrs time

2010-01-10T20:57:05Z

cause how i ever got to you, i have no idea.
it's like some secret door, well it just appeared.
so, no matter what i do from now on with my time,
you will always stay here, in my mind.

i'm certain of this, and i'm not certain of anything.

oh no!

2009-12-16T07:39:28Z

My journal that I've had since the summer of 2005 has nine pages left in it...

As of this moment, right now, I want to:

2009-12-16T07:31:14Z

> sleep
> write letters
> make music
> cuddle
> learn that Israeli dance by heart
> cook & bake
> watch the Food Network
> make a home

cigarettes, wedding bands

2009-12-13T05:34:03Z

Dug up a fifth of Hood River gin
That stuff tastes like medicine
But I'll take it
It'll do

On the couch in the living room all day long
Music on the television playing our song
And I'm in the mood
The mood for you

Turn the volume up real high
All of that money look at it fly
And you smoking like a chimney
Shadows crawled across the living room's length
I held onto you with a desperate strength
With everything with everything in me
And I handed you a drink of the lovely little thing
On which our survival depends
People say friends don't destroy one another
What do they know about friends?

Thunderclouds forming cream white moon
Everything's going to be okay soon
Maybe tomorrow
Maybe the next day

Carried you up the stairs that night
All of this could be yours if the price is right
I heard cars headed down to oblivion
Up on the expressway
Your drunken kisses as light as the air
Maybe everything that falls down eventually rises
Our house sinking into disrepair
Ah but look at this showroom filled with fabulous prizes