Diary of a Procrastinator

Transcript: Psych 3x10 Six Feet Under the Sea

jpgr — Fri, 21 Jul 2023 22:28:13 GMT

1987

EXT. AQUARIUM, ENTRANCE, DAY

Grade school children are exiting a school bus and heading for the entrance. A teacher is checking them off a list on a clipboard.

TEACHER:
34, 35. Okay, that's everybody. Okay, first stop is the touch pool. Let's line up at the dolphin gate. Oh, stay with your buddy. Make sure you watch your step as you enter the aquarium. (follows children)

With the teacher gone, GUS and SHAWN peer out a bus window.

SHAWN:
We did it, Gus. A year of planning's finally paid off.

GUS:
Don't you think we should wait until they get a little further away?

SHAWN:
No, we have to move now. We've got ten minutes to find a dolphin, feed it, then ride it. Plus, my dad being sick and not being able to chaperone, the fates are with us. It's the perfect storm.

They exit the bus.

GUS:
I don't want to miss the otters.

SHAWN:
No, we won't. Um, you brought your dad's camera, right?

HENRY confronts them as they turn around the front of the bus.

SHAWN:
You're not sick.

HENRY:
And you're not very thorough.

SHAWN:
How did you know?

HENRY:
Oh, maybe it's that snorkel hanging out of your backpack. What kind of undercover operation are you running here, kid? Plus... you left this behind.

HENRY pulls out a map of the aquarium grounds with SHAWN’S plan drawn on it. SHAWN makes a grab for it but HENRY pulls it out of his reach.

HENRY:
If you're gonna take time to create a deception, do it better.

SHAWN:
(takes map) Wait. Dad, I’m confused. You want me to lie to you?

HENRY:
(bends down) No. I want you to make it more of a challenge for me to catch you. Because I always will.

PRESENT DAY

EXT. PARKING LOT, DAY

GUS and SHAWN get out of the car. GUS is dressed in a somber suit and SHAWN is in his normal attire.

SHAWN:
Wait a minute. Something's wrong.

GUS:
What do you mean?

SHAWN:
I mean, this doesn't add up, Gus. (scoffs) There's not really a burglary ring at a gentlemen's finishing school, is there?

They start walking along the sidewalk.

GUS:
I’m sorry, Shawn. I made up a thing about the case. I need you to come down here to do me a favor.

SHAWN:
Well, you know what, this was a bad time. My dad just got a new fishing boat and insists on taking me out to kill innocent fish, and I can only avoid so many things at the same time. (notices the look on GUS’ face) All right, what is it? (stops in front of him)

GUS:
It's a funeral.

SHAWN:
No. Absolutely not. You know I hate funerals. They're depressing. There's organ music, and six times out of ten, there's a snake in the casket.

GUS:
We'll just go really quick. I need someone to support me.

SHAWN:
All right. Who's it for?

GUS doesn’t answer but continues walking.

INT. TENT-COVERED FUNERAL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS approach the tent. We see that it is for someone at the aquarium. There are mourners seated in rows and the casket is open.

SHAWN:
Would you please just tell me who died? I don't like all this secrecy, Gus. And what's with the aquatic theme? All this ocean society stuff? Did Jack Custo die?

GUS:
Jacques Cousteau died in 1995.

SHAWN:
Well, I don't think these people got the memo.

They sit down. SHAWN looks around for clues.

SHAWN:
Come on. Who died? Who was it? One of those guys? The boat guys? Huh? Was there some kind of accident?

GUS shushes him.

SHAWN:
Dude, I got it. It's the guy with the horn-rimmed glasses. (chuckles) If there was ever somebody with one foot in the grave...

The man in question leans forward in his seat on GUS’ other side.

SHAWN:
Sorry. You know, the camera adds ten years.

GUS:
It's ten pounds.

SHAWN:
Shh. Just shh.

SHAWN notices all the pictures have a common denominator.

SHAWN:
Wait a minute. Is this a funeral for a sea lion?

GUS:
Yes. Yes, it is. And don't start, Shawn. Shabby's more than just a sea lion. He's a local hero and a heart-warming story.

SHAWN:
I can't believe you made me put on a dress shirt for something with flippers.

A MAN begins the eulogy.

MAN:
The ocean is a little smaller today with the loss of this inspirational guy.

SHAWN:
Is that Randy LaBayda? Dude, they got Randy LaBayda from Animal Planet.

GUS:
Shhh!

LaBAYDA:
If sea creatures could cry, their tears would cause their tears would cause the water level of all the oceans of the world to rise an alarming 21/2 inches. But Shabby would want us to rejoice. I was the last person to see him alive. And some people think I’m crazy to believe this, but as he returned to his home, Sweet Mother Ocean, I thought I actually saw him... wink at me.

SHAWN:
Just how famous was this sea lion?

GUS:
He's the big local story of the year. He was rescued by the aquarium people, Shawn. Remember? Floating on that loose raft? Then he died tragically after being released out into the wild.

LaBAYDA:
Come and grieve. (moves the flowers from in front of the coffin)

GUS:
It's a poignant story, and I need you to support me in my time of need.

GUS stands with other mourners to pay his respects.

SHAWN:
You have got to be kidding me. This is an open casket?

SHAWN stands behind GUS in the line at the casket.

GUS:
Shabby. (touches the sea lion) You almost made it. But you touched our hearts. And our souls. Be free swimming in the ocean of heaven where there are no natural predators.

SHAWN:
Good speech. (nudges GUS to move)

GUS:
Your turn.

SHAWN:
Are you kidding me? (clears throat) Shabby, buddy, you lived a full life, I guess. Uh, you probably balanced a beach ball on your nose at some point. Maybe honked a horn with your mouth. Barked the melody of “Grand Old Flag”. Clearly, you... ate very well. (notices a wound) Oh, no.

GUS:
“Oh, no” what?

SHAWN:
I think this sea lion was murdered.

**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“Six Feet Under the Sea”
By
Steve Franks

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Steve Franks

**********************************************************************

INT. TENT-COVERED FUNERAL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS go back to their seats.

GUS:
Why do you hate me?

SHAWN:
I don't hate you. I am telling you. There's something unnatural going on here. We should go back to the aquarium and check out Shabby's cage or something.

GUS:
He wasn't in an exhibit. He was in the ocean. He was released back into the wild three days ago.

A young WOMAN comes up behind them.

WOMAN:
Gentlemen, I’m gonna need to see you for a moment. (walks off)

They follow the WOMAN.

GUS:
Great. Now you got me kicked out of a funeral. Nice. Just add it to the list. Kicked out of Petsmart, kicked out of Santa’s village, kicked out of the Salvation Army...

SHAWN:
Dishonorably discharged.

EXT. PARK, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are walking along the path with the WOMAN.

WOMAN:
Now what do you mean...

GUS:
I apologize. He's angry because I tricked him into coming. I’m a conservationist. I’m an annual pass holder at the aquarium. I’m a registered aqua-blogger with topic-starting privileges and level three thread management on the sea lion message boards.

WOMAN:
I want to know what you mean, "he was murdered. "

SHAWN:
I’m a psychic. I work with the SBPD. I also make my own saltwater taffy. Wait... Wait a minute. What? Why do you ask that?

WOMAN:
Because I have seen some suspicious things at that aquarium.

They watch as a man in a trench coat walks past.

WOMAN:
We can't talk here. Is there somewhere we can meet?

SHAWN:
Yes.

INT. PSYCH, DAY

GUS is dusting when SHAWN enters.

SHAWN:
Dude, what are you doing?

GUS:
Cleaning up.

SHAWN:
But why?

GUS:
This place is a mess, and it's not all the time that we have an attractive conservationist come by the office. Oh, and by the way, I call her.

SHAWN:
(takes off jacket) What do you mean, you call her? You can't call a person.

GUS:
Why not?

SHAWN:
Because I already called her at the funeral.

GUS:
You did not.

SHAWN:
She touched me, Gus.

GUS:
That's because you bumped into her.

SHAWN:
Doesn't matter. Contact is contact. It's the rule, buddy.

GUS:
(walks over and faces SHAWN) You know what? Get ready for battle.

SHAWN:
“Get ready for battle”? Come on.

GUS:
Yup.

SHAWN:
This is ridiculous. We can't go to battle over a girl we don't know. I’ll back off.

GUS:
You'll back off? Why?

SHAWN:
Because this is silly. Look, you do your thing, you work it, and I’ll stay out of the way.

GUS:
(points with duster) You think I can't get a girl on my own. Fine! I’ll back off.

SHAWN:
I already backed off.

GUS:
Too bad.

The WOMAN enters the office.

WOMAN:
Backed off what?

Later, the WOMAN is sitting in one of the chairs drinking coffee from a mug. SHAWN and GUS are sitting close to her.

WOMAN:
Well, I was in charge of Shabby’s rehabilitation, and a lot of unexplained things happened. First of all, they moved up the date of his release by six days.

GUS:
(takes her hand in his) And why did they do that?

WOMAN:
(pulls hand free) Well, um... Randy LaBayda.

SHAWN:
Randy LaBayda? From the funeral? And... And Pacific Ocean Aqua Patrol, yeah. (sits on the arm of her chair) I used to watch that show after wrestling practice in high school. I was the captain.

WOMAN:
(giggles) Yeah. Um, the aquarium did a personal appearance deal with him a couple months ago. Put him on the ads. Built a Randy LaBayda manta ray tank.

GUS:
What?

WOMAN:
And someone wanted him to be the one to release Shabby.

GUS:
And you didn't want that to happen?

WOMAN:
Well, no. It was too soon.

SHAWN:
Of course.

WOMAN:
LaBayda shanghaied the whole thing. It was supposed to be a quiet release with a local photographer. I got to the dock, the photographer had been canceled, and I wasn't even allowed on the boat. No aquarium staff whatsoever. And I never got to see him again.

SHAWN:
(puts an arm around her shoulder) That is so awful.

GUS slaps SHAWN’S hand and he stands up with a groan.

GUS:
(stands) So, uh... what happened out on the boat?

WOMAN:
No one knows. Everyone got back late, and a little upset. Then they locked up the ship's log in LaBayda's office at the aquarium.

SHAWN:
April, we're going to need to get into that office, so that I can feel things.

APRIL:
(stands) I can get you in.

SHAWN:
How soon?

APRIL:
Tonight.

EXT. AQUARIUM GROUNDS, NIGHT

APRIL is leading SHAWN and GUS along the aquarium wall.

GUS:
Are you wearing sweatpants?

SHAWN:
These are my "sneaking around" pants. Don't be jealous. I got you a matching pair.

GUS:
You're dressing up for her.

SHAWN:
Dressing up? Dude, I’m wearing sweats and this ridiculous lime green jacket.

GUS:
That's my lime green jacket, Shawn. And it's only for players.

SHAWN:
Okay, look, I backed off. You need to get over it.

APRIL stops at a spot along the wall.

APRIL:
Okay, this is it.

SHAWN:
What, is there, like, a hidden door in the rock wall?

APRIL:
(chuckles) No.

GUS:
You said you can get us in.

APRIL:
Yeah, I, uh... I can give you a boost. The electrified security fence is broken here. Oh, unless they fixed it.

SHAWN looks up to see a sign that reads “CAUTION High Voltage Electrified Fence”.

GUS:
You don't work here?

APRIL:
Well, technically, no. I did, until Tuesday. (walks back to them) I was asking too many questions, and LaBayda's producer Tim had me canned. Which is why I asked for your help.

SHAWN:
You want us to scale a wall.

APRIL:
Is it too high?

GUS:
Oh, no, no. I could probably free jump it if the ground wasn't so wet.

SHAWN:
You could not.

GUS:
I could vault it.

SHAWN:
Where would you land?

APRIL:
Okay, listen. (goes back to the wall) There's a door right on the other side of this wall. It'll lead you straight towards LaBayda's office. The code is 1-8-4-2. If I’m wrong, you can just leave.

SHAWN:
If it doesn't work, we're probably going to jail.

APRIL:
Yeah. (bends over and cups hands) Who's first? Come on.

SHAWN shakes his head but GUS hurries over. SHAWN looks around before following.

INT. LABAYDA’S OFFICE, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS make their way inside.

GUS:
See? She's legit.

SHAWN:
Legit? She just boosted us over a wall. She does have very impressive strength for a girl her size.

SHAWN looks into the large office. One wall has a painting of the man himself. Another has windows looking into the dolphin tank.

SHAWN:
Okay. (sing-song) Coolest office ever.

GUS:
(to dolphins) Hello!

SHAWN goes to the desk and searches the top drawer. GUS continues to wave at the dolphins. SHAWN spots a folder labeled “Shabby Release”.

SHAWN:
What's this? (spots laptop) Wait a minute. Dude. He has two laptops. Why lock up this laptop over that one? (opens second laptop)

GUS comes over and the screen shows a map.

SHAWN:
Why does this have a GPS on it?

GUS:
It's the only software on this computer. And it's not picking up anything.

SHAWN sees the last set of coordinates before GUS closes it.

GUS:
Can we stop playing with this guy's computer and get to the ship's log, please?

SHAWN hands GUS the bound book then puts the laptop away.

SHAWN:
Yeah. Knock yourself out.

GUS reads the entries.

GUS:
This is all wrong. They were supposed to release Shabby near San Miguel Island.

SHAWN:
Okay.

SHAWN sees an article in the newspaper lying on the desk. “Feds Probe Rocinante Escape”.

GUS:
Where they let him off is nowhere near close to there.

SHAWN:
Why would they do that?

They hear a door bang in the distance.

GUS:
We need to get out of here.

SHAWN puts the log back in the desk.

GUS:
(whispers to dolphins) Good-bye.

INT. AQUARIUM, HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS head down the hall.

GUS:
Okay, let's get out of here.

SHAWN:
All right. (stops) Oh, wait, there's one more thing.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
I have unfinished business here. And a date with destiny.

SHAWN tears off his sweatpants to reveal a bathing suit.

GUS:
No, no. You are not swimming with the dolphins.

SHAWN:
When are we gonna have another chance, Gus? Come on.

GUS:
I don't care, Shawn.

SHAWN:
I’m in, I’m on, I’m out. Hopefully, they have a harness, or a small saddle of some sort. I charged up my camera. (pulls out camera) You don't have to worry about the flash. It's all digital. Just keep on snapping.

GUS:
No, we are leaving, Shawn.

SHAWN:
I’m gonna ride that dolphin into modern history. I’m going up top.

GUS:
I’m staying here.

SHAWN:
(runs up ramp) You're missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime.

GUS:
Please.

SHAWN:
That dolphin is not going to ride itself.

We hear the door open and close. GUS sees the beam of a flashlight approaching.

GUS:
(whispers) Shawn! Shawn, get back here! (runs off)

EXT. DOLPHIN TANK, NIGHT

SHAWN walks along the dock running along the dolphin pool. He hears someone coming and ducks behind a pillar. The security guard walks along, casting his flashlight along the bins holding the fish. He swings it over by the pillar but SHAWN isn’t there. He continues on his rounds and SHAWN emerges from one of the bins. SHAWN sees a cooler marked “Shabby”. He opens it and lifts out a small fish. A dolphin appears and squeals at him.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Get out of here.

The dolphin keeps squealing.

SHAWN:
Not now. (looks around) Quiet! Pa does not love Fa.

The dolphin nods as it squeals.

SHAWN:
No, Pa does not love Fa!

The dolphin whistles.

SHAWN:
Now listen... I’m sorry.

The dolphin squeals.

SHAWN:
Stop doing that!

SHAWN’S just about to give in and throw the fish when GUS finds him.

GUS:
What the hell are you doing?

SHAWN:
Conducting an investigation, thank you very much.

GUS:
Then why do you smell like herring?

SHAWN:
Because this is an aquarium.

The dolphin squeals.

GUS:
You're feeding him! We're about to go to jail, and you're training dolphins?

SHAWN:
He insisted. I had no choice in the matter. I said "Pa does not love Fa”.

The dolphin clicks and nods its head.

GUS:
And your hands are filthy. Do you realize how many germs you can transmit like that? Here, give me that. (grabs the fish)

SHAWN:
No.

GUS:
What? Give…

They fight over the fish and GUS wins.

GUS:
Here, dolphin.

SHAWN:
You just want to feed him yourself!

GUS:
I’m getting rid of the evidence. And yes, it's not fair that you, the person who cares less than me about marine wildlife gets to feed them, and I don't.

SHAWN:
Just throw it and let's get out of here.

GUS gets ready to throw the fish and a light is suddenly on them.

GUARD:
Don't make a move! Drop the fish, sir, and nobody gets hurt.

The dolphin swims away and SHAWN and GUS raise their hands.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS are sitting in VICK’S office as she enters, dressed for a night out.

VICK:
Breaking and entering?

SHAWN:
It was really just entering. Climbing and entering. We had the code. Is that a backstage pass?

GUS:
And a Dolce jacket?

VICK:
I have third row center at Phil Collins tonight, and I get called back here because my department psychic wanted to break into an aquarium to feed some fish?

SHAWN:
That is not entirely true.

VICK:
Then why were you wearing swim trunks, carrying a "How to Ride a Dolphin" pamphlet?

SHAWN:
Chief, that's a long story. But the truth is we're on the trail of something. Something big.

GUS:
Something important.

SHAWN:
Slightly sexy.

JULIET enters with APRIL.

JULIET:
Chief. I think I can shed some light on this. This is April Macarthur.

APRIL:
I did it. Yeah, um, I couldn't let you guys take the fall for me.

VICK:
I’m sorry, miss. You broke into the Santa Barbara Aquarium?

APRIL:
Yeah, well, um, I led them to believe that I was still an employee at the aquarium. I got them the code for the alarm, and got them into the facility.

GUS:
She was also able to inexplicably lift us over a security wall.

APRIL:
Yeah.

JULIET:
Chief, she has good reason. She was actually acting heroically.

APRIL:
Thank you, Juliet.

JULIET:
No, thank you. And I like those earrings. (faces VICK) Chief, there may have been a murder. I can't believe poor Shabby is dead.

SHAWN:
You too, Jules?

JULIET:
Shawn, the Shabby-cam is my screensaver. We can all learn from him.

VICK:
Wait, who's Shabby?

SHAWN:
You don't want to know.

VICK:
I don't?

JULIET:
Yeah, probably not. Just know I am taking lead on this case. There is a crime at play, trust me. I will straighten out these aquarium people. They do not want to press charges at all. They like her. And so do I. We do not want to arrest this woman. We need to help her.

VICK:
Wow! Well, thank you for that endorsement, O’Hara. Now, I have to get back to the Bowl. Somebody needs to take me, because if I miss Against All Odds, then somebody is getting fired. (leaves)

INT. SBPD, HALL, NIGHT

LASSITER enters, putting on his jacket. He isn’t wearing a tie.

LASSITER:
I missed it? They released you already?

SHAWN and GUS approach him after leaving the office.

SHAWN:
Lassie, it was all a big misunderstanding. We're working a case. Jules is helping out.

GUS:
We are solving a heinous crime.

LASSITER:
Heinous crime? Wait a minute. How heinous?

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS sit at the table while LASSITER stands facing them.

SHAWN:
Look, it's not a big deal. There may have been a murder. We've got it covered.

LASSITER:
I just need a name.

SHAWN:
I’d rather not.

LASSITER:
Listen, you guys don't know what I’ve been through these last couple weeks. (paces) I chased down a group of diamond smugglers.

SHAWN:
Congratulations.

LASSITER:
Not exactly. I chased them to an airport where a plane was waiting. Wait. (stops and points) What does "Rocinante" mean to you?

GUS:
A full-body Syrah.

SHAWN:
A gay couple from Lisbon.

LASSITER:
(paces) No, it was the name of their plane. Flew off into a lightning storm. I wanted to chase them, but apparently, our helicopters only fly when there's rainbows in the sky, so they got away clean, which means I’m officially jackass number one around here. I need a case. (steps over the back of the chair, sits and takes out notebook) Give me the victim's name.

SHAWN:
(sighs) Shabby.

LASSITER:
(writes) Shabby. Is that a street name?

GUS:
It's more of a given name.

LASSITER:
Last name?

GUS:
He doesn't have one.

LASSITER:
Do not play with me.

SHAWN:
Can I spell it?

LASSITER:
I don't care.

SHAWN:
T- H-E.

LASSITER:
(writes) T- H-E...

SHAWN:
S-E-A...

LASSITER:
(writes) S-E-A...

SHAWN:
L- I-O...

LASSITER writes it down and looks at SHAWN to finish.

SHAWN:
N.

LASSITER:
(reads what he wrote) Thesealion. What is that, French?

GUS:
Pinniped.

LASSITER:
Pinniped? Never heard of it. All right, description.

SHAWN tries to hide a smile at LASSITER’S gullibility.

GUS:
Black.

LASSITER:
Black. Height and weight?

GUS:
6... 700 pounds.

LASSITER:
Jeez, Louise.

SHAWN:
(clears throat) Listen, can you get a body exhumed?

LASSITER:
Of course, I can. As long as I’m in on the autopsy.

LASSITER leaves, excited. SHAWN and GUS watch him leave and then look at each other. SHAWN shrugs.

INT. SBPD, AUTOPSY, DAY

SHABBY is lying on the table. LASSITER, SHAWN and JULIET are on one side of the table with GUS and the CORONER on the other side.

LASSITER:
I’m gonna kill you, Spencer.

SHAWN:
I never told you that the victim wasn't a sea lion.

JULIET:
Carlton, I tried to keep you out of this.

SHAWN:
Uh, how long is this going to take?

CORONER:
I don't know. I’ve never examined one of these things before.

SHAWN:
Okay, that's fair. Are there any signs of, uh, I don't know, foul play?

CORONER:
Well, a couple things are odd. I found a strange, empty piercing.

LASSITER:
Maybe he started swimming with the wrong crowd. You didn't happen to find any tattoos, did you?

JULIET:
Carlton!

CORONER:
I found some flat reef coral in the fur.

GUS:
How's that possible?

LASSITER:
Yeah! Coral! In the ocean! Are you really asking that question?

GUS:
A sea lion is a precision animal. It knows how to swim around a reef without thrashing into it.

JULIET:
That's true.

CORONER:
And I found some synthetic fibers.

SHAWN:
Okay, what kind of fibers?

CORONER:
Monofilament line. The kind found in fishing nets.

LASSITER:
All right, I’ve heard enough. Close this thing up. Let's go, O’Hara. (heads for door)

SHAWN:
Lassie, you're not being very helpful right now.

LASSITER:
Really, well, let me see if I can close this case for you right now. Now, I’m no expert, but let me take a shot. You've got a sea lion, and you've got a net, and you've got the ocean. You put them all together... case closed.

LASSITER leaves and JULIET follows. SHAWN shakes his head, puzzled.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
I’m worried he might be right.

GUS:
Are you serious?

SHAWN:
I don't know, Gus. We definitely need to see that reef. And I know how we can get out there.

EXT. HENRY’S BOAT, DAY

SHAWN is sitting in the driver’s seat, GUS on the seat to his left. HENRY is standing behind SHAWN, teaching him.

HENRY:
All right, that's it, that's it. Your hands are at 10:00 and 2:00. Down there, that's your trim tab. Over there, your heat gauge. That's your fish finder. GPS. Uses waypoints, just like in a car, when you find a place you like.

SHAWN:
(looks around) Look at that, you got a little microwave in there.

HENRY:
Shawn, please focus. (moves SHAWN’S head) Look forward. Do not become complacent just because it's water.

SHAWN:
Dad, we're still in the dock.

HENRY:
Look, Shawn, do you want to drive this thing or not?

SHAWN:
I never asked that. Isn't that right, Gus?

GUS:
Yeah, I’m gonna get in the middle of that.

SHAWN:
Man, I just wanted to come, see your new boat, go out onto the reef.

HENRY:
The reef? I’m not going out on the reef. That place is restricted waters.

SHAWN:
What if I told you it was for a case?

HENRY:
Well, that would make it worse.

GUS:
But what if he didn't?

SHAWN:
We won't tell anyone, okay? We totally promise. Plus, we'll totally solve a crime.

HENRY:
Shawn, would you please listen to me? I’m not going out onto the reef. That place is off-limits to people. I’m not gonna lose my boat, I’m not gonna lose my license to follow some stupid, lame-ass hunch of yours.

SHAWN:
You're really not going to budge on this?

HENRY:
What do you think? (goes to the stern of the boat)

GUS:
Told you.

SHAWN:
All right, all right, I do. I want to learn how to drive.

HENRY:
You know what, Shawn, hold up a second. I’m gonna grab my tackle box.

HENRY climbs out of the boat and onto the dock. SHAWN then drives away.

HENRY:
Shawn! Shawn!

GUS:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
Don't worry. It's cool.

GUS:
What are you doing?

HENRY:
Get back here!

GUS:
He's gonna come after us.

SHAWN:
Nah, he can't swim that fast. Besides, he wanted me to do this.

HENRY keeps yelling from the dock, following as much as he can.

HENRY:
Shawn!

GUS:
He wanted you to steal his boat?

SHAWN:
Yeah.

HENRY:
Get back here!

SHAWN:
He didn't want to be responsible for crossing over into restricted waters.

HENRY:
Shawn! Get back here!

SHAWN:
Didn't you get that with the whole "Shawn, Shawn, let me show you how to drive"?

GUS:
I think he wanted to show you how to drive.

SHAWN:
Yeah, so I could steal it later.

SHAWN takes the boat into the open ocean as the sun sets.

EXT. HENRY’S BOAT, NIGHT

SHAWN is trying to read a map.

SHAWN:
This thing is all numbers. It's very hard to read. Maybe it's upside down.

GUS:
First of all, Shawn, that's a Thomas Guide.

SHAWN:
Ah, thought it was a little land-heavy. But look, I think the reef is down here in the corner, A-7.

GUS:
Did you listen to anything your dad said? The map is the screen.

SHAWN:
Gus. Don't be exactly half of an 11-pound black forest ham. That's clearly the GPS.

GUS:
Exactly, it's latitude and longitude. You follow the degrees.

SHAWN:
Oh, yeah? Those numbers with the little quotation marks there?

GUS:
Yes.

SHAWN remembers the coordinates from LABAYDA’S second laptop.

SHAWN:
Dude, I think I know where it may have gone down. That laptop was probably tracking LaBayda's boat. Here, here, punch this in.

GUS leans forward to reach the GPS and SHAWN closes his eyes to clearly remember the numbers.

SHAWN:
34 degrees, zero, six, and then, uh, one of those little lines That I would use to, uh... To make a winking face in a text. No, go back, go back, go back. It should be the left eye that's winking, not the right. No, Gus, pretend the person doesn't even have a right eye. Like, no ocular socket whatsoever. It was sutured shut from birth.

GUS:
Shawn, I got it.

SHAWN:
Yes, that's it. Right there, that's good, okay. Now 50 degrees... Come on, buddy!

They watch their position in the GPS.

SHAWN:
Two degrees to the right. No, up. Two degrees up. What do those two little dots mean again?

GUS:
Kick out the lights.

SHAWN:
Oh, dude, we're getting close. We're, like, right on top of it.

GUS:
Kick out the lights.

SHAWN:
Why am I gonna kick out the lights?

GUS:
I think I see another boat out in the distance.

SHAWN:
Where's another boat?

GUS:
It doesn't matter where, Shawn. We're in restricted waters. I can't get arrested twice in the same week. You might have a few arrests in you, but I don't.

SHAWN:
Okay, fine.

SHAWN powers down the engine and turns off the lights. They then look out over the starboard side.

SHAWN:
Did you hear something?

GUS:
Like what?

SHAWN:
Like... voices.

Suddenly, bright spotlights come on from a boat very close by. They both scream and GUS grabs SHAWN to push him forward.

GUS:
Take him!

SHAWN:
What?

GUS:
I had this dream before, Shawn. Ever since we saw Dead Calm. You have to take one for the team.

SHAWN:
What are you talking about?

GUS:
Take one for the team!

SHAWN:
No one's gonna hurt us.

A MAN from the other boat hails them.

MAN:
Hey, guys. These are restricted waters. What the heck are you doing out here?

SHAWN:
Ahoy there! Uh, yes, right! Uh, my name is Shawn Spencer. This is my first mate Hummingbird Saltalamaccia.

GUS:
Hello!

SHAWN:
We were turned around. Discombobulated. We just now realized that we were in restricted waters.

GUS:
Just now. And we both have hepatitis.

SHAWN:
I also couldn't help but notice you are not the Coast Guard.

MAN:
No, no. We thought you were the Coast Guard, coming to tow us in.

SHAWN:
Us?

MAN:
Yeah.

SHAWN:
(laughs) No, no. But does that mean that they're coming? And if so, do you have an E.T.A.?

MAN:
No, no idea, we just... We've been, uh, drifting for about an hour. We stalled on our way to Monterey.

SHAWN:
Ah, old Mexico.

GUS:
Monterey, Mexico is 2,000 miles inland, Shawn.

MAN:
Up north. So, what are you guys doing out here?

SHAWN:
Oh, you know. Just, uh, hiding from sharks. You know, we heard that they can see you if your lights are on, so we kicked ours off.

MAN:
Uh, that's not how sharks work at all.

SHAWN:
Regular sharks. Of course. Right. But we heard there was an infestation of genetically-altered shark-like beasts here, in this area of the water. They can smell the light.

GUS:
They also type.

SHAWN:
True.

MAN:
What?

SHAWN:
Not well, but they're sharks, with fins, so it's still impressive. Oh, and, um, how long, did you say, before the Coast Guard gets here? They're not just right around the corner or anything are they?

SHAWN and GUS have returned to the marina.

SHAWN:
I’m telling you, Gus, there's something wrong with those guys.

GUS:
Did you want to stay out there and chat it up with them?

SHAWN:
No, but we may not be the only ones out there looking for the sea lion's killer.

They approach the dock and see HENRY with JULIET and LASSITER.

SHAWN:
Maybe he didn't want me to take the boat.

GUS:
I’m jumping out here.

SHAWN:
Okay, but you're gonna get wet.

GUS:
I can't believe this, Shawn. I’m gonna get arrested two times in one week.

SHAWN:
Okay, dad, we have to come up with a system for unspoken actions. I can't believe you called the cops.

HENRY:
I didn't call them, Shawn. They called me.

SHAWN:
Why?

LASSITER:
Coroner finished his inquiry.

JULIET:
He found a bullet inside the sea lion.

LASSITER:
Two .22 slugs, actually.

GUS:
He was shot?

LASSITER:
He was murdered.

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

LASSITER is questioning LABAYDA who has an owl on his shoulder.

LaBAYDA:
So, am I going to need a lawyer? 'Cause mine's on a boat off Cape Horn. It might take a while.

LASSITER:
Mr. LaBayda, would you remove that bird from your shoulder?

LaBAYDA:
(softly) Oh, this is an Australian hissing owl. And I have to do a show with him (checks watch) in about three hours. If I haven't bonded with him by then, he will spend the entire shoot crapping all over my Ed Hardy tee. Now, I would appreciate it if you would watch your tone, because this thing's Like a sponge and he can get really aggressive when things get tense.

JULIET enters the room.

JULIET:
Detective, telephone.

LASSITER:
I’m in the middle of something.

JULIET:
It's the FBI.

LASSITER:
Again? (turns around in seat) Would you tell them I didn't know they were smugglers until it was too late? And tell them if I had access to my own plane, I could follow the Rocinante into the storm!

LABAYDA makes a motion for LASSITER to quiet down.

JULIET:
Maybe you should tell them yourself.

LASSITER:
Right. (leaves)

JULIET approaches to look at the owl. APRIL stands outside the door and LABAYDA sees her.

LaBAYDA:
Didn't I have her fired? Oh, is that your source?

JULIET:
No. Mr. LaBayda, our source is the court. As in a court-sanctioned search we did of your office. We found a piece animal tracking software on your computer.

APRIL storms into the room.

APRIL:
We don't tag our animals, Randy! Once they're released into the wild, they're free.

JULIET:
Perhaps you'd like to explain.

The three have a staring contest.

LaBAYDA:
I need someone to take the bird.

>>>LATER>>>

LABAYDA is standing and pacing as he tells his story.

LaBAYDA:
All right. We were gonna track him. But it was such a great, heartwarming local story. It would have been a great national one. I mean, you can't blame me for wanting the people to know what happened to this special creature.

JULIET:
Yeah. Well, we need to know why you released him ten miles away from where you were supposed to.

LaBAYDA realizes there’s no way out.

LaBAYDA:
I, uh... think I’d like to make my phone call now.

JULIET:
Yeah, I bet you would.

INT. LABAYDA’S OFFICE, NIGHT

An ASSISTANT is working late. He answers the phone.

ASSISTANT:
LaBayda's Sea Adventure.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. SBPD, CONFERENCE ROOM, DAY

LaBAYDA:
Burn the disks.

ASSISTANT:
Is this you, boss?

LaBAYDA:
Destroy the footage. Take a vacation in Mexico for at least a week, can you do that?

ASSISTANT:
I can't get to the footage right now, chief.

LaBAYDA:
Why not?

ASSISTANT:
Because your two hair analysts are reviewing it right now.

LaBAYDA:
I... I don't have a hair analyst. Who set that up? (realizes) Oh, crap. Get over there, now!

The ASSISTANT puts down the phone and runs from the room.

INT. MEDIA ROOM, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS are watching the footage.

GUS:
Hair analyst? That worked?

SHAWN:
I’ve always dreamed of having one myself.

On-screen, LaBAYDA is dictating how he wants the shoot done.

LaBAYDA:
I need the sunset perfectly framing the silhouette. It has to be me and the wild. All right, let me just say, you see a single strand of my hair out of place, Let me know, we cut right then and there. And that includes chest hair. Timmy, you got me? You got me?

TIM:
Yeah, I got it.

LaBAYDA:
All right, here we go. All right, three... What?

The camera moves to the left and shows a large freighter in the background.

TIM:
Freighter, freighter.

LaBAYDA turns around and sees the freighter.

LaBAYDA:
What? No! No! Get out of the way! Get your big, polluting ass out of my shot! How many boats are there gonna be?

GUS fast forwards through the footage. LaBAYDA is now in a different spot.

TIM:
Okay. Perfect.

LaBAYDA:
I guess this'll just have to do. I don't like it. I want to go on record saying I don't like it.

SHAWN:
Hey, Gus, he's not a murderer. He's just an egomaniac. And for fairly good reason. His hair is spectacular.

On-screen, Shabby is released.

LaBAYDA:
Swim. Swim, my friend.

SHAWN:
He released Shabby in the wrong place to get a better shot!

GUS:
That means Shabby was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

LaBAYDA:
Arrivederci, my furry little Michael Phelps. Arrivederci.

SHAWN:
He didn't shoot him. He didn't do it.

GUS skips through the footage again.

LaBAYDA:
Yeah, pumas are pretty mean. I know one time, I ran into a puma...

SHAWN focuses on a boat that goes by in the background.

SHAWN:
Gus, look at that. That's the same boat we saw. It's the same guys. It was five days ago.

SHAWN remembers the excuse the MAN gave about being on their way to Monterey.

GUS:
They weren't on their way to Monterey.

SHAWN:
They were on their way to the reef. he reef, where Shabby went off the grid.

GUS:
Why would they be going out there at night?

There is a pounding on the door. GUS and SHAWN turn around.

TIM:
Guys? Out of there!

SHAWN:
Plan “A” or plan “B”?

GUS:
“B”.

TIM:
(pounds on the door) Get out of there!

TIM crashes through the door to see GUS lying in his chair like he’s dead and SHAWN standing there, hands over his mouth in shock.

SHAWN:
(lowers hands) Oh, my God, I killed him! (runs from the room screaming)

With TIM turned around and confused, GUS gets up and runs out.

EXT. MARINA, DAY

SHAWN and GUS stride down the dock.

GUS:
Shawn, you can't steal your dad's boat for a second time.

SHAWN:
Gus, you don't understand. My dad wants me to do this.

SHAWN makes to board the boat but HENRY is already there.

HENRY:
Do I, Shawn?

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, DAY

JULIET and APRIL are having lunch.

APRIL:
You were really good with him.

JULIET:
So were you. You really scared him. And the bird.

APRIL:
Listen, I don't know if this is the right time to ask, but what about Shawn?

JULIET:
What about him?

APRIL:
I don't know. Something... intriguing. You know, odd. It's refreshing. I was thinking of letting him know that I’m, uh, “available”. You know, and all that. What do you think?

JULIET:
Well, I... don't know.

APRIL:
Is there a problem?

JULIET:
No, no. There's no problem. (sips her drink)

EXT. MARINA, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk away from HENRY’S boat.

GUS:
Your dad's getting pretty good.

SHAWN:
Too good. I think he's been waiting in there since Thursday. It's pretty creepy. And mildly impressive.

SHAWN turns back to look at his dad and sees the mystery boat docked at another slip.

SHAWN:
Gus. Opportunity.

They go over to the other dock and hide behind a small storage shed and watch as the two men leave. SHAWN makes to go in the opposite direction when GUS grabs his arm.

GUS:
Dude, they're going that way. We gonna follow them or not?

SHAWN:
Uh, I’m definitely a "not" right now. (heads for the boat)

GUS:
(grabs SHAWN and pulls him back) But…

They shush each other.

GUS:
They might be coming back.

SHAWN:
They're walking in the opposite direction. I think this is our best opportunity.

GUS:
They're going to get help.

SHAWN:
They're unloading stuff. (looks in the distance and points) Barnacle Bill.

GUS:
What?

While GUS is distracted, SHAWN runs.

GUS:
Shawn! (chases SHAWN)

SHAWN stops with his foot on the gunwale.

SHAWN:
You wanna be Hawkeye or crow's nest?

GUS:
What do either of those mean?

SHAWN:
I don't know. I was hoping you did.

The two go aboard.

INT. BOAT, CABIN, DAY

They enter the cabin which is filled with electronic equipment.

SHAWN:
What is all this stuff?

GUS:
GPS, radar, sonar, electronic pulse sensors. High-tech stuff. That's how they knew we were in the water.

SHAWN:
(looks around) Whatever they were doing, they didn't wanna be found. (finds large hand-held light) And they were doing it at night. It's just a bunch of salvage equipment. Wait a minute. (finds a tracker tangled in twine) We need to get this thing off.

EXT. BOAT, DECK, DAY

They bring the tangled net out onto the deck where they have more room.

GUS:
What are we looking for?

SHAWN:
This thing, this thing, this thing! (shows GUS the tracker)

GUS:
Here, let me do it. I was a navy scout. (frees tracker) This is a satellite tracking tag.

SHAWN:
What's it for?

The tracker has LaBAYDA’S name on it.

GUS:
They use it for tagging animals. Training, research.

SHAWN remembers the coroner mentioning an empty piercing as well as the GPS program on LaBAYDA’S computer.

SHAWN:
LaBayda was tracking the sea lion.

SHAWN then sees boxes of ammunition in a storage pocket and remembers JULIET saying they found a bullet in Shabby: two .22 slugs. He points them out to GUS.

GUS:
They killed him, Shawn.

SHAWN:
But why?

GUS:
We should go. (starts to stand but sees the men coming) They're coming.

SHAWN:
Quick, jump in the water.

GUS:
They're gonna see us.

SHAWN:
Okay, hang from the anchor. Where is the anchor?

GUS:
That only works in cartoons.

SHAWN:
Is there a shark cage?

GUS:
How could that possibly be a good idea?

SHAWN:
I don't know! At least I’m coming up with some ideas.

SHAWN sees the hatch to the storage area under the deck.

MAN 2:
I’m telling you I saw someone on the boat. I swear.

MAN:
It's fine.

Just before the men arrive, we see the last bit of netting pulled in and the hatch closes.

MAN:
There's no one. Everything's fine.

MAN 2:
I saw something. I’m telling you.

INT. BOAT, HOLD, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are literally on top of each other in the tight space. They listen as the men talk overhead.

MAN: (off-screen)
You're paranoid, man. We're in the home stretch here. Let's go. Get going.

MAN 2: (off-screen)
No, I’m not. I’m checking the pull.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Dude, this is like Out of Sight, but super gay.

GUS:
Don't touch me, Shawn.

EXT. BOAT, DECK, DAY

MAN 2:
Wait, wait. You hear that?

MAN:
Hear what?

They pause to listen.

MAN 2:
All right, all right, I’m just nervous, man.

INT. BOAT, HOLD, DAY

SHAWN:
I see a flashlight.

SHAWN reaches for a flashlight and GUS smacks him. SHAWN turns on the light and searches the hold.

GUS:
Don't touch me, Shawn.

SHAWN sees a folder labelled “Flight Plan Rocinante” and remembers LASSITER telling them about the plane that flew off into a lightning storm.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Dude, I solved it.

GUS:
(whispers) Will you be quiet?

SHAWN:
(whispers) But I solved it!

GUS:
Be quiet!

MAN 2: (off-screen)
Wait, I heard it again. Didn't you hear that?

EXT. BOAT, DECK, DAY

MAN:
What do you hear? I hear birds.

MAN 2:
Listen, listen!

MAN:
Untie, push off. Please, we're going.

INT. BOAT, HOLD, DAY

They hear the engine start.

SHAWN:
(whispers) I think that's the engine.

GUS:
(whispers) I am gonna kill you, Shawn.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Ok, they would go. I’m gonna call for help.

GUS:
(whispers) No, he will hear you. He has eagle ears.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Eagle ears?

GUS:
(whispers) Yes.

SHAWN:
(whispers) How 'bout I send a text?

GUS:
(whispers) Mute your keys.

SHAWN:
(whispers) How do I do that?

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

JULIET is at her desk when she gets SHAWN’S text. She waves VICK over with a hiss.

JULIET:
Come here.

VICK:
Ok, what? What? What's so important?

JULIET:
I just got a text from Shawn Spencer.

VICK:
And what did it say?

JULIET:
It says that he solved the crime, and...

VICK:
And what?

JULIET:
He's trapped in the hull of a smuggler's boat going out to sea.

VICK:
What do we do with that?

JULIET:
(texting) "How... can... we... find... "

VICK:
Okay, now type the letter "u," Instead of "y-o-u. " And you don't need that punctuation. It's just faster.

JULIET:
Chief.

INT. BOAT, HOLD, NIGHT

SHAWN:
Dude, I really do feel so Clooney right now.

GUS:
I am not Jennifer Lopez.

SHAWN:
That was a compliment.

GUS:
How is that possibly a compliment?

SHAWN:
Did you see El Cantante? She was amazing.

GUS:
Shawn.

SHAWN:
(sighs) Shabby's transmitter. (reaches over GUS)

GUS:
Don’t… (slaps at SHAWN)

SHAWN:
Hold on.

GUS:
Get off me, Shawn. Get off me.

SHAWN:
Got it. (turns on tracker)

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, NIGHT

JULIET:
(under breath) Come on. (out loud) Ooh! Ooh! I got another text!

VICK:
What does it say?

JULIET:
"Turn on LaBayda's laptop. "

VICK:
Uh… Someone, get it out of evidence!

INT. BOAT, HOLD, NIGHT

SHAWN:
(sighs) Now, all we do is wait. Gus, scratch my leg.

GUS does nothing.

SHAWN:
Just... Will you just scratch my leg?

GUS:
I’m not scratching...

SHAWN:
The elastic on my sock is...

GUS:
I’m not scratching your leg, Shawn.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, NIGHT

JULIET has opened LaBAYDA’S laptop and is looking at the tracking read-out.

VICK:
Can you give us a general location of the boat?

JULIET:
Well, it's a little bit problematic.

VICK:
Well, I have my sister on ready with the Coast Guard. Just give us the coordinates.

JULIET:
That's the problem. We have a very definitive location, it just doesn't seem to make any sense.

VICK:
How far out are they?

JULIET:
First Street and Main.

INT. BOAT, HOLD, NIGHT

SHAWN reads the text.

SHAWN:
Juliet wants me to check outside.

GUS:
You are not doing that.

SHAWN:
She says we may not be where we think we are. I trust her, Gus. I’m gonna do it.

GUS:
Shawn… Shawn!

SHAWN opens the hatch.

EXT. BOAT, DECK, NIGHT

SHAWN steps out onto the deck just as the boat enters a cannery.

SHAWN:
Uh, Gus? Change of plans. (ducks down)

INT. CANNERY, NIGHT

The two men have exited the pickup and are heading toward the boat.

MAN:
Let's do this quick, I got the diamonds, we lose the equipment as fast as we can...

SHAWN and GUS stand up.

MAN 2:
What the hell?

SHAWN:
Wait a second. This is not my boat. My bad! Gus, I told you, our boat is called Just Chillin'.

GUS:
Ah, yeah.

SHAWN:
Just Chillin'. Inexcusable. Uh, we're sorry, and we'll be on our way.

MAN:
Sorry you had to be here.

GUS:
Apology accepted.

MAN:
(cocks gun) Get down.

SHAWN sighs.

MAN:
Down!

SHAWN and GUS climb down using the ladder off the stern. When on the floor, the MAN directs them with the gun.

MAN:
Around this way. Come on. Towards the truck. Now what the hell's going on here?

The two scuttle sideways towards the truck with their hands up. They keep backing up as SHAWN talks.

SHAWN:
All right, guys, I’m just gonna be honest, 'cause that's usually the best policy, right? I’m a psychic.

MAN:
You're a psychic?

SHAWN:
Yeah. So I know you guys weren't really on your way to Monterey. And I know you weren't stranded. In fact, you were on a desperate search for the wreckage of the Rocaninante.

GUS:
That was nowhere near close.

MAN:
I really hate that you said that. Do we shoot them?

MAN 2:
I don't know yet.

SHAWN:
You don't know yet. Well, um, I’ll tell you what else I know. You found your wreckage from a plane that everyone assumed escaped, but actually went down in restricted waters, which is why your booty was so tough to find.

MAN:
You a cop?

GUS:
We are not cops.

SHAWN:
No, but if I was a cop, I’d be a bad cop. That much I know. Not because I’m tough, or unscrupulous. Because of lateness. Just general tardiness.

MAN:
Would you stop moving? Get over here. What's the point of this?

SHAWN:
Unfortunately, a sweet sea lion named Shabby was innocently looking for a fish, or a squid, to eat…

MAN:
What the hell's the point of this?

SHAWN:
The point is, you saw the signal coming.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

EXT. BOAT, NIGHT

MAN 2 is looking at the GPS.

MAN 2:
I got a hot signal coming.

MAN:
What is it, a boat?

MAN 2:
No, could be a diver, though.

The men go onto the deck and use the spotlight on the water.

SHAWN: (v.o.)
You thought you'd been had, so...

The men shoot the gun into the general area where they thought the diver was.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. CANNERY, NIGHT

SHAWN:
You fired into the water, thinking it was a diver, but no.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

EXT. BOAT, NIGHT

MAN:
I got it, whatever it was.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. CANNERY, NIGHT

SHAWN:
You fired into the water, thinking it was a diver, but no. A sweet, innocent sea lion attached to a beeper by a television host on the sly, hoping to exploit his story for a comeback.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

EXT. BOAT, NIGHT

SHAWN: (v.o.)
And when you tried to pull him out of the water, he managed to break free.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. CANNERY, NIGHT

SHAWN:
Why? Because he was a winner. And a very strong swimmer.

GUS:
And a survivor.

SHAWN:
That's right. At least... at least for a couple of hours, he was.

MAN:
You're here because of a sea lion?

SHAWN:
I’m here for all the sea lions, Jack! And the fish and that stuff that looks like coral, but moves when you touch it. Gus, what am I talking about?

GUS:
Sea amanonees. (stammers) Sea anemonene...

SHAWN:
Don't do this to yourself.

MAN:
Sea anemones?

GUS:
Yes!

MAN:
Yeah, well it's too bad you can't do anything with all that information, isn't it, now?

SHAWN:
Yeah. Except that Shabby left a little something behind. (holds up blinking tracker) And I’ve been doing something I like to call stalling.

MAN 2 pulls the tracker from SHAWN’S hand.

SHAWN:
And Rutger Hauer calls "schtalling”.

MAN:
Why?

GUS:
Because he's Dutch.

MAN:
No, why are you stalling?

SHAWN:
Because of that.

LASSITER and JULIET appear with other armed officers.

LASSITER:
Put it down! Don't move!

JULIET:
Drop it!

The two men are taken into custody and LASSITER holsters his weapon.

LASSITER:
Saving your ass again, Spencer?

SHAWN:
Lassie, (fist-bumps GUS) I believe you'll find that whatever your missing smugglers had is in that truck over there. Diamonds? Perhaps in the boat.

LASSITER:
What are you talking about?

SHAWN:
I’m helping you. I told you. It's a two-way street.

LASSITER:
Hold on. How did you...

SHAWN:
Little bit of this... (puts right hand to his head) and a whole lot of that.(left hand)

INT. PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN is spraying whipped cream into a drawer of GUS’ desk. APRIL knocks on the door. She is wearing a shirt with the aquarium logo.

SHAWN:
Hey!

APRIL:
Hi.

SHAWN:
(stutters) The case is finished, but I still have to do a little, uh, paperwork. That's all I’m doing here. (puts down can) But look at you. Look at you!

APRIL:
Yeah, first day back. They even offered me LaBayda's office. I said "no”.

SHAWN:
Really?

APRIL:
Mmm-hmm.

SHAWN:
That's the worst decision anyone's ever made.

APRIL:
Yeah. Listen, Shawn, um, I asked them for you, but they don't really allow people to ride dolphins. But we could arrange an interaction. That would be easy.

SHAWN:
Yeah. No, no, that's okay. I’m gonna wait. Wait until it's natural, organic, happens in the wild.

APRIL:
Uh, that's illegal.

SHAWN:
What if... What if I ride a whale? I mean, what if I do the same thing, but with a whale?

They both laugh.

APRIL:
That's a joke.

SHAWN:
Of course... Of course it is.

APRIL:
Okay, yeah, the, um… Well, listen, anything else I can do, please. You really are amazing.

SHAWN:
How about dinner? You and me?

APRIL:
Mmm.

SHAWN:
A very dark restaurant. I’ll bring some candles, in case it's too dark. That's something I like to do.

APRIL:
Listen, Shawn, I, um... I really would love to.

SHAWN:
Sweet.

APRIL:
Uh, but I don't want to get in the way.

SHAWN:
Get in the way?

APRIL:
Yeah. I like her and I think you two will get there. So, thanks for everything. (heads for the door)

SHAWN:
Uh, what does that even mean?

APRIL:
(stops in doorway) Good luck, Shawn.

APRIL leaves and SHAWN stands there, confused.

Transcript: Psych 3x09 Christmas Joy

jpgr — Thu, 29 Jun 2023 01:11:47 GMT

1987

INT. SPENCER HOUSE, DAY

It’s Christmas morning and SHAWN runs down the stairs, excited to open his presents. HENRY is in a corner of the living room putting together a bicycle. He tries to hide it from SHAWN.

HENRY:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's barely morning, just hold up. I know you're excited, your adrenaline is rushing and your heart rate is pumping, just like you got a big case and this is hot crime scene.

SHAWN:
Dad, I just want to see what Santa brought me.

HENRY:
And you will soon enough. But first, I want you to recreate everything that went done here last night. (sits on couch)

SHAWN looks around the room and sees footprints going from the fireplace to the couch. They then go to the tree and then the window.

SHAWN:
Santa came in, sat down, ate milk and cookies, put the presents under the tree, then something spooked him and he ran out.

HENRY:
That’s right. Maybe you woke up a little earlier than he thought. It's a pity, too, because he didn't get a chance to finish putting together your brand new bicycle.

SHAWN smiles and hurries over to the bike. The seat comes off in his hand and he turns to face HENRY.

HENRY:
Merry Christmas, Shawn.

PRESENT DAY

INT, PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN is carrying a box of Christmas decorations. There are already some up in the office, as well as a tree. GUS is sitting at his desk.

GUS:
What took you so long? You know I have to get to my mom and dad's.

SHAWN:
Choosing the perfect holiday gift takes time, Gus. (pulls out portrait from Monarch lodge) You can't cut corners. You have to customize, match the gift with the individual. (pineapple with ribbon) Look, I took our Halloween decorations and put Santa hats on them. What do you think? (holds up pumpkins and the eyes glow red)

GUS:
Look, can we do this later? (stands) My sister Joy's flight gets in any minute now.

SHAWN:
You have plenty of time.

GUS:
No I don't, Shawn. You know she usually works during the holidays, London, Paris, Hong Kong. Now that she's home, we have to spend as much time together as possible.

SHAWN:
All that time away from home for work, precisely why I didn't go to law school.

GUS:
Yeah, that and the school part.

They hear the door close and turn to see a young GIRL enter.

SHAWN:
Well, hello there. May I help you?

GIRL:
Are you Mr. Psych?

SHAWN and GUS laugh.

SHAWN:
I'm Mr. Shawn, and this is Scrooge Jones. We're psychic detectives. Who might you be?

GIRL:
My name's Brittany. Mr. Shawn, I need to hire you.

SHAWN:
I see. What for?

BRITTANY:
To get Santa out of jail. All I have is $1.38. (holds out handful of coins) I hope it's enough.

GUS:
We couldn't possibly accept that.

SHAWN:
He's right. (whispers) What else do you have?

GUS hits him on the back with his elbow.

BRITTANY:
The policemen dragged him away from the Santa’s village in Solvang. Please. You have to help him.

SHAWN:
Don't worry, Brittany. There are some wonderful public defenders in the North Pole. Santa will be out in no time.

BRITTANY:
But if he's not out by Christmas eve, he can't deliver his toys.

SHAWN:
Uh, this is...

GUS:
This is a matter for the police.

SHAWN:
Yes, and we never interfere with police matters.

BRITTANY:
I understand.

SHAWN:
(laughing) Okay.

GUS:
Good.

BRITTANY starts crying, face scrunches up and tears falling down her cheeks. The guys stop smiling.

SHAWN:
Oh, boy. What are you supposed to do when a child's crying like this?

GUS is sympathy crying.

GUS:
You cave. Brittany, Mr. Shawn and I will get Santa out as soon as we get back.

BRITTANY:
(smiles) Thank you, Scrooge Jones. Thank you, Mr. Shawn. (leaves)

GUS:
Let's go.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, FRONT HALL, DAY

BILL and WINNIE arrive home with JOY. BILL carries in her bags and WINNIE calls ahead.

WINNIE:
Gus! Gus, we're back from the airport.

GUS comes running around a corner to greet them.

GUS:
(laughs) Hey, sis!

JOY:
Aw, Gussie!

They hug.

GUS:
I missed you.

JOY:
I missed you, too.

They end their hug. SHAWN has joined them in the front hall.

GUS:
You don't know what it's been like not having anyone to talk to.

JOY:
Well, I want to hear more about this psychic detective agency.

WINNIE:
It's very impressive.

SHAWN mouths “thank you”.

BILL:
As we found out last year when we were both brought up on murder charges.

JOY:
I still find that hard to believe.

WINNIE:
Well, we were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

BILL:
Nobody to blame.

BILL and WINNIE point fingers at each other.

JOY:
You two must be pretty good. It's funny, I don't remember you being psychic.

SHAWN:
Oh.

JOY:
When did this happen?

SHAWN and GUS exchange a look before answering together.

BOTH:
High School.

JOY:
Did you two just look at each other?

They look again.

BOTH:
No.

JOY:
You just did it again as if to corroborate what you are going to say.

SHAWN and GUS get defensive, their voices overlapping.

SHAWN:
(crosses one arm across his body and holds the other out) Joy, what is this?

GUS:
(holds hands out in a shrug) I mean…

SHAWN:
We're not on trial here.

GUS:
Joy…

SHAWN:
It’s Christmastime...

GUS:
You came through the door and it's like "what?"

SHAWN:
Be merry! This is not a court room.

GUS:
It's not about law.

JOY:
So why are you both striking defensive poses?

They both lower their arms.

SHAWN:
(stutters) I was just, I was keeping it loose.

GUS:
(rests arm on SHAWN’S shoulder) Yeah.

BILL:
(checks watch) Um, I’m going to be late to work. And don't forget, I’m covering the night shift.

WINNIE:
No, Joy just got here. Raytheon can wait.

BILL:
Government planes don't make themselves... yet.

JOY:
It's okay, daddy. It'll give me and Gus a chance to catch up.

BILL:
All right, well, I’ll see you in the morning, then. Okay, bye.

BILL kisses WINNIE and JOY goodbye before leaving.

WINNIE:
Sweetheart, your room's all ready, and I’ll just be a little longer in the kitchen. (leaves)

GUS:
Let me get this up to your room for you. (strains to left her bags) I doubt you need all of them. (takes the smallest and goes upstairs)

JOY:
(laughs) You can get them later.

JOY and SHAWN watch GUS as he goes upstairs. SHAWN sighs and looks at JOY. They then start kissing passionately.

**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“Christmas Joy”
By
Saladin K. Patterson

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
John Landis

**********************************************************************

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

SHAWN and JOY are making out on the couch. SHAWN pulls away.

SHAWN:
No, wait a minute. What are we doing? What are we doing? This… This cannot happen.

JOY:
I know.

SHAWN:
It was a one-time fling ten years ago, and that's it.

JOY:
I never told.

SHAWN:
Well, thank God. Gus would be crushed.

JOY:
We're both adults, okay?

SHAWN:
No, that's where you're wrong. We're not adults. You're Gus' big sister with the tassels on the handlebars of your banana-seat bike. And I’m Gus' best friend, who put a frog on top of your head. Listen, listen, we can't fool around, especially not in your living room. For Gus' sake, we have to fight it.

JOY:
Speak for yourself. (starts kissing him)

They break apart and stand when they hear GUS coming down the stairs.

GUS:
You know, Joy, since you're so interested in Psych, you should spend as much time with me and Shawn as possible.

JOY:
Great!

SHAWN looks at JOY before plastering on a fake smile.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

SHAWN, GUS and JOY enter the station. As GUS expounds on what they do, JOY tries to hold SHAWN’S hand and he keeps evading.

GUS:
This is where we do our thing, where it all goes down, where the magic happens.

SHAWN:
You realize you repeat yourself when you're trying to impress someone?

GUS:
Yeah, right. Whatever. Please.

JOY:
You kind of do.

SHAWN:
Told you so. Touché.

GUS:
You can't touché yourself.

SHAWN:
Sure I can. Your bad.

GUS:
It's not my bad. You can't "my bad" for someone else.

SHAWN:
Yeah, but you ain't mad at it, though. Know what you saying'?

GUS:
Will you stop it?

VICK:
Mr. Spencer, Mr. Guster, I don't remember hiring you for a case.

SHAWN:
Oh, we're here researching a case for uh, another client. Detective O’Hara’s expecting us.

VICK:
All three of you?

GUS:
Oh, this is my sister, Joy. She's our guest.

JOY:
Hi.

JOY and VICK shake hands.

VICK:
Um, well, technically, you are guests, so that doesn't give you the right to bring your own.

GUS:
I'm sorry, Chief. Joy was just excited to see what we do.

VICK:
Have you ever seen a movie about high school?

JOY:
Yes.

VICK:
Then you've pretty much seen what they do.

SHAWN:
(chuckles weakly) Oh, Chief, she’s just a joker.

VICK:
Sorry, no visitors beyond this point.

GUS:
Oh, yeah sure.

VICK enters her office.

GUS:
(to JOY) Wait here just a moment.

SHAWN and GUS go over to JULIET who is passing out files.

SHAWN:
Jules, wait up.

JULIET:
Hey, oh, I’m sorry, I got your message. Things have just been really hectic around here. Something about the holidays.

SHAWN:
(puts hand to head) Speaking of which, I’m sensing the Santa we've been looking for probably would've been brought in this morning. (lowers hand)

JULIET:
Must've been that fight down at Santa’s Village in Solvang we got a call about. Yeah, we sent a paddy wagon down to assist the county.

SHAWN:
Where are they now?

JULIET:
Well unfortunately, some poor guy was knocked unconscious during the fight, so we're holding everyone in a holding cell until we can find out who's going to face assault charges. This way.

INT. SBPD, HOLDING, DAY

JULIET leads them downstairs and to the cells.

JULIET:
And here we are.

Standing at the bars is a man who really looks like Santa with white hair and beard and dressed in a long-sleeve red shirt with suspenders.

SHAWN:
He really does look like Santa.

JULIET:
Excuse me, sir, could you please step out of the way?

“Santa” moves out of the way to reveal a MAN sitting on one of the benches, his head resting on the wall, one foot on the bench, one on the floor. He looks more like a bum than Santa.

JULIET:
That's your Santa.

SHAWN:
Of course, it is.

JULIET:
Let me know if you need anything else. (leaves)

SHAWN studies the man and sees a large bruise on his left arm around his elbow and others on his right arm. He then studies the other men in the cell. One has a red bracelet with Hebrew on it.

SHAWN:
(aside to GUS) Dude, our Santa only has defensive wounds. There's no way he put anybody in a coma. And I can tell from that guy's bracelet that he's a master of Krav Maga. His fists are considered deadly weapons.

GUS:
Since when can you read Hebrew?

SHAWN:
Since I spent a summer working at a Hasidic deli. Those were good times. (chuckles) Shlomo. Jules, (hand to head) I'm getting something here.

JULIET walks over.

SHAWN:
(moves his hands like he’s doing martial arts) I'm seeing hands, fast as lighting. It's more than a little exciting.

GUS:
Kung fu fighting.

SHAWN:
That's right. Someone in the fight was a master of martial arts, but not Santa.

GUS:
He brings peace and Joy.

SHAWN:
That's right, Gus. The man I’m thinking of is a lethal machine, trained in the martial arts of the Middle East. Hoy! That's him! (points) He's the one who knocked the victim unconscious, and he's the one that should serve time for assault with a deadly weapon.

MAN:
(stands) Assault?! (walks up to bars) I was minding my own business. I only hit that guy because I was defending Santa.

JULIET:
Nice job, Shawn. You just saved us hours of processing.

SHAWN:
Well consider it your Christmas gift.

JULIET:
(to officer) Take him to the interrogation room, please.

SHAWN:
And make sure this one gets back to Santa’s Village to spread some Christmas cheer. There's a very sweet little girl counting on it.

GUS:
We just saved Christmas.

SHAWN:
What?

They fist-bump and then do the dances from “A Charlie Brown Christmas”.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

LASSITER is sitting next to JOY on a bench.

LASSITER:
So, when the cluster of bullets is very tight, we refer to that as precision, not to be confused with accuracy which has to do with the proximity to the intended target.

SHAWN and GUS arrive. GUS does not look pleased.

GUS:
What's going on here?

LASSITER:
Just having a conversation with your delightful sister.

JOY takes advantage of their arrival to stand.

GUS:
Really?

LASSITER stands to help her with her purse.

LASSITER:
Oh, let me get that for you.

GUS:
"Get that for you. " I know exactly what that means. Shawn, what is the sentence for assaulting a police officer?

SHAWN:
Whoa! It's okay, buddy. Sorry, Gus is a little overprotective of his older sister.

GUS:
What's the deal with you and people's sisters anyway? First Vick’s and now mine? And aren't you still married?

GUS:
You snow white...

SHAWN:
Lassie, I think Dobson is, uh, calling for you.

LASSITER:
(to JOY) Really nice to meet you. (leaves)

JOY looks at GUS as if to say “what was that all about?”.

GUS:
(watches LASSITER walk away) The nerve of some people.

JOY:
You know, Gus, hey! I'm a big girl, and I can see whoever I want, thank you.

GUS:
No, not if that person's supposed to be a friend of mine, uh-uh. Hell no. (walks off)

SHAWN and JOY look at each other and SHAWN smiles nervously.

EXT. SBPD, DAY

SHAWN and JOY walk down the stairs. SHAWN is on the phone.

SHAWN:
Yeah, well you weren't there to see it's little face looking up at me meowing for milk and warmth and shelter, were you, Garth? Fine, thanks. (ends call and join GUS) Apparently, my apartment is infested with fleas. It may or may not have something to do with the stray cat that I took in, but they cannot blame me for infesting the entire building.

BOTH:
One adult female flea lays thousands of eggs.

SHAWN:
Wow. That's a little bit frightening. I'll need some place to crash while they fumigate. I'd stay at my dad's, but he's got some of his lodge buddies in town.

JOY:
Well, Gus and I are staying with our folks for the holidays. Why don't you stay with us? (smiles)

SHAWN:
Oh, I don't know, Joy…

GUS:
Shawn, please.

JOY:
There, it's settled.

GUS turns to look at JOY but stops when he sees BRITTANY and the man they got from the holding cell.

GUS:
Look.

SHAWN:
What is it?

BRITTANY:
I saved your butt this time, Daddy! You're lucky I didn't leave you in there to rot!

SHAWN watches and shakes his head as BRITTANY gets into the car and her father shuts the door.

BRITTANY:
Now we only have three days left! Don't screw up again!

FATHER:
Jeez, I’m sorry. (walks to driver’s side)

GUS:
She's a little con artist.

SHAWN:
I bet she had more than $1.38 on her, too.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are with JULIET at her desk.

SHAWN:
Dude, we got conned on Christmas. I don't like having my emotions toyed with like that.

JULIET:
Well, we ran fingerprints on everyone. His name was Carl Wilcox, and, according to police records, he is a known con man.

SHAWN recalls BRITTANY saying they only have three days left.

SHAWN:
Whatever it is, they must be planning it for the 24th. We just need to get proof. Thank you, Jules.

SHAWN and GUS leave.

JULIET:
(calls after them) You're welcome.

EXT. SANTA’S VILLAGE, COURTYARD DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk through the main gates and into the courtyard. Among the typical displays is a pen with two reindeer.

SHAWN:
(points at reindeer) What?

GUS:
What?

They see people dressed as elves, large gingerbread men and a life-size manger scene.

SANTA:
Ho, ho, ho! Have you been good this year?

SHAWN and GUS see SANTA with a child on his lap and then look to where elves are selling the photos taken of the children.

ELF:
All right, so that will be 20 wallets and one 8 x 10. We can send it to a home address. Just check the box.

They make their way forward so they’re even with the front of the line.

SANTA:
(to girl) Okay, well, you keep those grades up so that we can give you everything on your list, okay? All right.

SANTA sets the little girl back down and an elf takes her back to her mother.

SANTA:
Who's next in line to see Santa?

SHAWN and GUS cut the line.

SHAWN:
Excuse us.

SANTA:
(laughs) I don't think Santa’s lap is big enough for you boys.

SHAWN:
Cut the crap, Carl. We know you conned us into getting you out of jail.

CARL:
(stands) Okay, not here, all right? (to line) Santa's going to take a five. Be right back.

CARL leads SHAWN and GUS to a side alley. BRITTANY is there playing a video game.

SHAWN:
Hey, what blind kid did you steal that from?

BRITTANY:
Why would a blind kid have a video game?

SHAWN:
(pauses) You have cooties on your face.

GUS:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
She started it.

GUS:
You started it.

SHAWN:
She gave me the stink eye.

GUS:
She was playing a video game.

SHAWN:
She's a little...

GUS:
Shawn!

CARL:
Okay, look, guys, I really appreciate you getting me out of jail. But I’m working here, okay? Why don't you come back when we have a little reindeer lunch break?

GUS:
Or maybe you'd like to tell us about that little con you have planned for the 24th.

SHAWN:
Here's the thing, Carl, we're on to you. (looks at BRITTANY) Both of you.

CARL:
(stands right in front of them) Couple of smart guys, huh? Well, you're too smart for your own good.

GUS:
(to SHAWN) This guy.

CARL:
(shouts and cowers) Don't hit me!

He runs out to the courtyard followed by SHAWN, GUS and BRITTANY.

GUS:
Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, Santa!

SHAWN and GUS grab CARL in front of a crowd of children.

SHAWN:
Not so fast, St. Nick, huh? International sign of guilt, buddy.

BRITTANY starts crying.

MAN:
Look at those guys!

MAN 2:
Hey, those were the same two guys who I saw cut in line.

WOMAN:
They don't even have kids.

SHAWN:
This is not good.

GUS:
No.

A security GUARD takes them both by the arm and CARL hugs BRITTANY.

GUARD:
All right, enough of you two. Let's go.

As they are lead away, SHAWN sees the lists of families getting photos on the laptop monitor.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, FRONT HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS hurry up the front stairs.

GUS:
I've never been kicked out of Santa’s Village before, Shawn.

SHAWN:
You’re gonna get used to it.

GUS:
I don't want to get used to it. It's humiliating.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, UPSTAIRS HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN:
We still don't know what crime Carl and Brittany are planning for Christmas Eve.

JOY steps out of the bathroom dressed in a short nightgown.

JOY:
Good night, guys.

GUS:
Good night.

SHAWN:
'Night, Joy. See you in the morning.

He waves as she enters her bedroom and closes the door.

SHAWN:
It's like they're mocking us, you know. Feels like a slap in the face. And not a Rhett Butler slap, an Ike Turner slap.

GUS:
Mmmm.

SHAWN:
But we still have a few days to figure it out. Let's just go to bed.

GUS:
Cool.

The two fist-bump and head to their rooms. SHAWN is next to the bathroom and GUS is across the hall next to JOY’S.

GUS:
Good night, dude.

SHAWN:
'Night.

Both men enter their respective rooms.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, SHAWN’S ROOM, NIGHT

SHAWN is lying in bed attempting to read.

SHAWN:
This is ridiculous.

He gets out of bed and leaves the room.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, UPSTAIRS HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN tiptoes down to JOY’S room but hesitates outside her door. He changes his mind and goes into the bathroom instead. JOY then slips out of her room and heads down to SHAWN’S, pausing to primp before going in. SHAWN comes out of the bathroom and makes his way to his bedroom before turning and going into JOY’S room. GUS steps out and looks down the hall towards the stairs. JOY comes out of SHAWN’S room but ducks back in before GUS sees her. GUS turns around at the sound of the door closing and SHAWN comes out of JOY’S room. He sees GUS and goes back in. GUS goes back into his room. JOY leaves SHAWN’S room and goes into the bathroom. SHAWN leaves JOY’S room and goes back to his, somewhat dejected. JOY goes back to her room. SHAWN steps out when he hears her door and goes down to the end of the hall.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Joy!

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, FRONT HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN goes down the stairs.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Joy!

SHAWN notices that the basement door is open. As he slips inside, he notices that one of the kings in the manger scene is black.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, BASEMENT, NIGHT

SHAWN opens the door to a large storage area.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Joy! Joy!

SHAWN is looking around as the door opens behind him and the light is switched on. It’s BILL. They both gasp in surprise. We see a mall living area set up with a TV and chairs.

BILL:
Shawn?

SHAWN:
Mr. Guster?

BILL:
You're supposed to be asleep. What are you doing here?

SHAWN:
I-I thought that I heard a noise or something. You're supposed to be working the night shift. What are you doing home?

BILL:
I- I forgot something.

SHAWN:
Oh! So, I guess you'll be going back to work then.

BILL:
And I guess you, you'll be going back to sleep?

They circle each other.

SHAWN:
Why aren't you leaving?

BILL:
It's my house. I can leave when I want to! You want to tell me what you were looking for down here?

SHAWN sees residue on BILL’S lapel.

SHAWN:
(puts hand to head) Whoa, I’m getting something here. You weren't at work like you said you were. I see a projector, a movie projector.

BILL:
You're not going to be reading me.

SHAWN:
Yes.

BILL:
Uh-uh. No, no. (ducks and dodges like a boxer)

SHAWN:
Oh, Mister, please…

BILL:
No, no.

SHAWN:
That's ridiculous.

BILL:
No, stick and move. Stick and move.

SHAWN:
Sir, please don't do that. I've already had the vision. It's over. The vision is over. I’ve had it. It's done.

BILL stops and breathes heavily.

SHAWN:
You lied to your family about working the night shift.

BILL:
The truth is... I lost my job at Raytheon a month ago.

SHAWN:
Oh, I’m sorry.

BILL sighs.

SHAWN:
Why are you keeping it a secret?

BILL:
It's Christmastime. Joy's home. I didn't want everybody to worry. So, I go out on interviews all through the day and hang out at the movies or a coffee shop at night. My family thinks I’m doing my night shift. And this is between me and you and that lamp over there, all right?

SHAWN:
You're saying the lawn chair isn't trustworthy?

BILL:
Oh, be serious, boy! So, we’re cool, right?

SHAWN:
We're cool, Mr. G. Yeah.

BILL:
I would hate to think that things changed because you betrayed my trust.

SHAWN:
(scoffs) Believe me, you don't have to worry about that. (leaves)

INT, PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN is lying back in his desk chair, tired from little sleep.

GUS:
(pacing) The problem is, Carl already knows we're on to him. He's not going to let us get close enough to figure out what he's up to.

SHAWN:
(yawns) Unless...

JOY:
You guys ready to grab lunch?

SHAWN and GUS look at JOY as she enters the office. SHAWN waves.

GUS:
Good idea. You could use a pick-me-up.

SHAWN:
I'm sorry, man. I just, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Um, unless, of course, we could figure out a way to snoop around Santa’s Village without Carl knowing.

GUS:
How are we going to do that?

JOY:
I can help.

EXT. SANTA’S VILLAGE, COURTYARD DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk over to the office just as JOY, in an elf costume, exits with a MANAGER.

MANAGER:
Welcome aboard.

JOY:
Thank you.

MANAGER:
We can use all the help we can get for the Christmas rush.

The MANAGER has an open file with CARL’S application. SHAWN reads it over her shoulder. Under “References” he sees the name Theodore and immediately remembers the name of the security guard was Ted. The MANAGER spots SHAWN and closes the file.

JOY:
Merry Christmas!

MANAGER:
Merry Christmas. (goes inside)

SHAWN:
(claps) Great job.

JOY:
Thank you.

SHAWN:
Make sure you sign up for Carl’s shift.

JOY:
Okay.

GUS:
Stay close to him. Let us know what you find out. We'll pick you up later.

JOY:
I'm on it.

JOY walks away and SHAWN watches just a smidge too long for GUS’ liking.

GUS:
What the heck are you looking at?

SHAWN:
That is a beautiful wreath.

GUS:
I hear that.

EXT. SANTA’S VILLAGE, GATES, NIGHT

JOY comes through the main entrance and meets SHAWN and GUS.

SHAWN:
(claps) So? Did Carl realize you were checking up on him?

JOY:
He didn't suspect a thing.

GUS:
What did you find out?

JOY:
I'm sorry, guys, but Carl seems like he's on the up and up.

GUS:
You didn't see him talking with any shady characters?

JOY:
No, just the kids. And you know what? He's a pretty good Santa. I mean, he just doesn't ask them what they want, he asks the kids what they like most about Christmas, what they're most thankful for, what relatives they're going to visit. It's quite touching.

SHAWN remembers one of the elves asking for an address to mail the photos to.

SHAWN:
Wait a minute, that's it. (puts hands to head)

GUS:
What? What do you see?

JOY:
Are you having a vision?

SHAWN:
(stutters) It's a small, it's a small, it's just a... tiny vision.

JOY makes an appreciative “ooh” that comes out rather sultry.

SHAWN:
(closes eyes) Cold shower, baseball stats, watching my grandmother eat meatloaf.

GUS:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
I see Carl and Ted standing in front of a computer screen, uh, with a list of addresses, getting the information from the kids about who's traveling over the holidays, gives them a built-in list of empty houses to rob. That's why he had to be out of jail on Christmas Eve.

We see the action unfold as SHAWN speaks.

GUS:
We need to warn the police before tomorrow.

JOY hurries off and SHAWN watches her go.

GUS:
What the heck are you looking at?

SHAWN:
(laughs) That… Look how cute that little snowman is.

GUS:
I hear that.

GUS walks away and SHAWN follows. The look on his face says “Thank God, he bought that”.

EXT. SANTA’S VILLAGE, COURTYARD, NIGHT

JULIET and LASSITER have joined them as they enter the courtyard.

SHAWN:
His car's still here, so where's Carl?

LASSITER turns on his flashlight and casts a beam around the area.

SHAWN:
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, much less a robber. Really? No one is here? Not a single person? Hello?

LASSITER:
(turns off flashlight) Great. Thanks for dragging us out here for nothing, Spencer.

JULIET:
You're sure you sensed something was going to happen tonight?

SHAWN:
Maybe we just missed them. We could try and figure out which houses they were planning on robbing.

LASSITER:
What do you doing, just randomly start knocking on doors? We've got better things to do. Come on, O’Hara.

LASSITER and JULIET turn around and head back out.

JOY:
How often are you wrong like this?

SHAWN:
Not often.

GUS:
(whispers) Often.

GUS turns on his flashlight and aims it at the manger scene.

GUS:
As usual, they neglected to make one of the wise men black.

JOY:
And I thought everyone knew about Balthazar.

SHAWN remembers one of the kings being black earlier. He goes over and the others follow. He walks up to the king in question and pokes it in the side of the face. It falls to the ground, and they all scream. JULIET and LASSITER hurry back, guns drawn. SHAWN kneels by the body.

SHAWN:
It's Ted.

JULIET hurries over and feels the neck for a pulse. She and SHAWN both straighten up.

JULIET:
We're not dealing with con artists. We're dealing with murderers.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS enter the office. VICK is sitting behind her desk and LASSITER is on one of the chairs facing it.

VICK:
Thank you for coming, Mr. Spencer. Now that this has become a murder case, we're amping up the investigation. As you can imagine, the city wants people to feel safe this holiday season.

LASSITER:
We brought Carl into custody this morning. Brittany's in the conference room with Child Protective Services. So far, we haven't found anything to link Carl to the murder, so technically, we can only charge him with conspiracy to commit burglary. But we're willing to recommend that the D.A. cut a deal if he cooperates in the murder investigation.

GUS:
Did he take it?

LASSITER:
He says he'll only talk to you guys.

VICK:
So, I need to know what you can get out of him. Let's close the book on this one, pronto.

SHAWN and GUS leave the office.

SBPD, INTEROGATION, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are sitting at the table while CARL, still in costume, paces. An officer is present, standing against a wall.

CARL:
I... I admit it, the Santa job was just a long con to rob some people, okay? But you got to believe me, I...I could never have killed Ted.

SHAWN:
I know. Ted was your inside man.

CARL:
(stops and points at SHAWN) I kept that from the police. (paces) Ted and I were partners for a long time. We scammed people all up and down the coast, but we were just con men. We never physically hurt anybody. That wasn't our thing. (sits across from them) Listen, whoever it was that killed Ted might be coming after me next, or, even worse, after Brittany. I don't trust the cops to protect us. You got to stop them.

SHAWN:
How can we believe anything you say, Carl?

GUS:
Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us.

SHAWN:
Fool us thrice makes an ass out of "u" and "me”.

GUS:
Nope.

SHAWN:
We're soon parted?

GUS:
That's a fool and his money.

SHAWN:
What a fool believes?

GUS:
Shawn.

CARL:
(yells) Look, if they kill me, they're just going to throw Brittany back in the system. Now she's a tough little girl, but she's already been through a lot, all right? And I’m all she's got.

SHAWN:
Sorry, man. We don't trust you as far as Gus can throw you.

CARL’S lip begins to quiver and he starts crying.

SHAWN:
Well, now we know where Brittany got this little trick.

CARL’S crying gets more intense and GUS fights crying himself.

SHAWN:
Oh, dude, I think he's really crying.

GUS:
Shawn, you know I can't handle it when a grown man cries. I'm a sympathetic crier.

SHAWN:
What?

GUS gives in and soon both men are sobbing.

SHAWN:
I… Okay, fine! Fine. We'll see what we can do, but you have to promise to cooperate fully. Otherwise, we'll have you dragged right back in here for this Christmas con.

CARL:
Deal. Thank you.

SHAWN:
(to GUS) Stop it. (to CARL) Do you know who may have wanted to hurt you or Ted?

CARL:
We might've kind of owed someone a little money.

SHAWN:
How about you be a little bit more specific?

CARL:
We were into our bookie for ten grand. That's why we were going to do the robberies.

GUS:
(tearfully) Do you know where we can find this bookie?

CARL:
Frank works at two bars, O’Neil’s and The Wild Ox.

SHAWN:
Sweet.

SHAWN and GUS stand. SHAWN sighs and whispers to GUS.

SHAWN:
We'll have to split up. You in the mood for Hepatitis A or C?

They leave.

INT. O’NEIL’S BAR, NIGHT

SHAWN walks up to the bartender.

SHAWN:
Excuse me. Where's Frank?

The bartender nods and SHAWN turns around to see a man working at one of the booths. He goes over and sits down with a sigh and a brief look at a moving Santa statue.

SHAWN:
All right, get me $10 on Do Not Resuscitate in the fifth race. I don't have any cash but give me your PayPal account, and I’ll make a secure deposit online.

FRANK:
(crushes cigarette in ashtray) Some kind of joke?

SHAWN:
Maybe I should introduce myself. Shawn Spencer, psychic detective. I'm here to talk to you about a couple of your customers, namely Carl and Ted.

FRANK:
Well, I hope it's about those two bums paying me the money they owe me.

SHAWN:
It's going to be tough for Ted to pay you back, seeing as how he's dead and everything.

FRANK:
When did this happen?

SHAWN:
(scoffs) Last night. As if you didn't already know. Come on, Frank, I know the game. Somebody loses big, they can't come up with the cash, you got to send a little message. Isn't that the code?

FRANK:
There's a bigger code than that. Dead men don't pay back debts. Injured men do. So, I’m not your guy. Besides, there's a bar room full of witnesses that can vouch for my whereabouts last night. Now, if you'll excuse me, a paying customer has just arrived.

SHAWN:
Fine. (points at Santa) That's weird.

SHAWN gets up to leave and nearly bumps into WINNIE.

SHAWN:
Mrs. G?

WINNIE gasps.

SHAWN:
What in the world are you doing here? Do you know what this guy does?

WINNIE:
Oh, this is so embarrassing. Um, Shawn… (clears throat) I’ve recently made the first and the only bet in my life.

SHAWN:
But you're Gus' mom, for goodness sakes.

WINNIE:
I know. I know. And normally gambling isn't something that I would approve of, but Susan in accounting has this cousin, Jeff, nice guy. He knows someone who knows someone who knows Frank. I already told you this, Frank.

FRANK:
(doing paperwork) I wasn't listening.

WINNIE:
Anyway, it all seemed like fate at the time until I lost. Oh, oh, I felt terrible and I learned a valuable lesson about the perils of gambling. Long story short, I… I lost my Christmas money.

WINNIE gives FRANK the envelope of money.

WINNIE:
Shawn, you have to promise not to tell my husband. I don't want him to know about my secret vice.

SHAWN:
Oh, Mrs. G. First of all, one time is not a vice. It was a momentary lapse in judgment, maybe a jones. Secondly, I am psychically detecting that Mr. Guster will not be angry with you for keeping a secret from the family. He'll understand.

INT. GUSTER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

The four family members are sitting around the coffee table eating when SHAWN comes in.

SHAWN:
(yawns) What are you guys doing up? It's barely light outside.

WINNIE:
Have a seat, dear.

WINNIE tosses SHAWN a cushion and he sits on the floor like GUS and JOY.

SHAWN:
Wow! Christmas at my house never starts 'til after the football game.

GUS:
Well, you're just in time to open presents.

GUS gets up and walks to the fireplace while JOY hands SHAWN a gift.

GUS:
(hand in stocking) Gee, I wonder if Santa put money in our stockings even though he knows we don't need it.

JOY checks her stocking as well. BILL and WINNIE look guilty on the couch.

GUS:
Hey, where's my Christmas money? I was looking forward to that.

JOY checks the other stockings.

BILL:
I thought you had this handled. With me working the night shift, I didn't have time...

WINNIE:
I have been cooking, cleaning, getting the house ready. I’ve been swamped. (looks at SHAWN) I'm not going to lie. Honey, I made a horrible mistake. I know how you feel about gambling, there's no place for it in the Guster house, but I placed a bet with a bookie and I lost all my spending money.

JOY and GUS stop their search and hear everything.

BILL:
(stands) Oh, Winnie!

GUS:
Mom!

JOY:
You know how to find a bookie?

WINNIE:
(stands) I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. Please forgive me.

BILL:
Winnie Guster placed a bet.

BILL, GUS and JOY start laughing and SHAWN joins in.

SHAWN:
(claps) She…

BILL:
Oh honey, of course we forgive you. Come here. (hugs her) In fact, you've inspired me to come clean about something, too. (clears throat) I, uh... I got laid off from my job a month ago. And before you all start worrying, it's okay. I've already got a couple of call backs for some interviews. I just couldn't bring myself to admit it to you guys.

JOY:
Oh, Daddy. You know you could've come to us.

GUS:
(walks over) Yeah, I mean, layoffs are common in this economy. We understand.

WINNIE:
Oh sweetheart, you'll always be a good provider.

GUS:
Yeah.

BILL:
Thank you.

They have a family hug and SHAWN tries to get out of the way.

WINNIE:
Hey! Hey you, down there. You deserve some of this.

SHAWN:
Oh, no.

WINNIE:
Oh, yes. It was Shawn who helped me realize that I could trust you guys with the truth.

BILL:
Yes, he was there when I needed him, too. Come on up here, boy.

SHAWN:
Oh. Oh, okay.

GUS helps him stand.

WINNIE:
Group hug.

SHAWN is pulled into the hug. JOY ends the hug.

JOY:
I have something to confess, too. Well, actually, Shawn and I do.

SHAWN:
No, we don't.

JOY:
Yes, we do.

SHAWN:
No, we don't. Please, no.

JOY:
We had a romantic tryst ten years ago. Just a little something something.

GUS looks at SHAWN.

JOY:
But with everyone's blessing, we would like to pick up where we left off.

GUS:
You fooled around with my sister?

SHAWN:
Please don't say fooled around. That makes it sound so dirty. One time. Ten years ago. You were off at college.

GUS:
Just because I’m not here, doesn't make her not my sister!

BILL:
(hands on hips) Or our baby girl.

JOY:
Point of information, I'm not a baby.

GUS, BILL and WINNIE turn and shush JOY.

JOY:
What happened to all the love and forgiveness from just a second ago?

WINNIE:
Oh, my mistake wasn't this bad.

BILL:
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you implying that my mistake was worse than yours? Because yours was a lot worse.

WINNIE:
Excuse me, I have a job.

BILL:
I knew it! I knew it was coming.

WINNIE:
Who loses a job after 35 years?

BILL:
You see? That's why you lost all your little money. God don't like ugly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. (leaves)

WINNIE:
(laughs) Oh, no he didn't. Oh, no he did not. (leaves)

GUS:
Wait, wait a second. I'm the one that should be upset here. Everyone in here was lying to me.

JOY:
Grow up! I can't see who I want because you can't handle it.

GUS:
You fooled around with my best friend. You'll do whatever you can just to be the center of attention, won't you?

JOY:
Forehead!

GUS:
Ears!

JOY puts her hands over her ears and hurries from the room.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
I'm so sorry, man.

GUS:
Goodbye, Shawn.

GUS leaves the room, going in a different direction from everyone else.

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT

HENRY grabs a serving tray off a table as he heads into the room.

HENRY:
Yeah, yeah, shrimp. I got it. I'm coming, I’m coming.

HENRY walks into the room proper just as SHAWN enters through the back door.

SHAWN:
Hey Dad, merry Christmas.

HENRY:
Hey Shawn, I thought you were staying over at the Gusters. (replenishes shrimp)

SHAWN:
Yeah, well I kind of, sort of ruined Christmas at that house.

HENRY:
(laughs) What'd you do this time?

SHAWN:
Gus' sister and I sort of hooked up a while back, and for some unknown reason she announced it to the whole family, and now Gus is pissed and he's kicking people out.

HENRY:
Yeah, well fooling around with your best friend's sister certainly wasn't your most brilliant idea.

SHAWN:
No, that was the toaster alarm I invented in the third grade, that woke you up by smacking you in the face with a waffle. I think I peaked too soon.

HENRY:
All right, look, Shawn, of course Gus is going to overreact. He's more than just your friend, he's your partner. There's a special kind of trust there. When you find out that you've been lied to by your partner, you get angry. I saw it on the force all the time.

SHAWN remembers when CARL says they used to run cons along the coast.

SHAWN:
Dad, that's it. That's it! I bet Carl and Ted have another partner.

HENRY:
What? Carl and Ted? How many relatives do the Gusters have?

SHAWN:
(grabs a shrimp) I gotta go! I have a break in the case! (runs out)

HENRY:
Wait… Merry Christmas.

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<b<man:') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<lj-cut text="It's like they're mocking us, you know. Feels like a slap in the face. And not a Rhett Butler slap, an Ike Turner slap.">

1987

INT. SPENCER HOUSE, DAY

It’s Christmas morning and SHAWN runs down the stairs, excited to open his presents. HENRY is in a corner of the living room putting together a bicycle. He tries to hide it from SHAWN.

HENRY:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's barely morning, just hold up. I know you're excited, your adrenaline is rushing and your heart rate is pumping, just like you got a big case and this is hot crime scene.

SHAWN:
Dad, I just want to see what Santa brought me.

HENRY:
And you will soon enough. But first, I want you to recreate everything that went done here last night. (sits on couch)

SHAWN looks around the room and sees footprints going from the fireplace to the couch. They then go to the tree and then the window.

SHAWN:
Santa came in, sat down, ate milk and cookies, put the presents under the tree, then something spooked him and he ran out.

HENRY:
That’s right. Maybe you woke up a little earlier than he thought. It's a pity, too, because he didn't get a chance to finish putting together your brand new bicycle.

SHAWN smiles and hurries over to the bike. The seat comes off in his hand and he turns to face HENRY.

HENRY:
Merry Christmas, Shawn.

PRESENT DAY

INT, PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN is carrying a box of Christmas decorations. There are already some up in the office, as well as a tree. GUS is sitting at his desk.

GUS:
What took you so long? You know I have to get to my mom and dad's.

SHAWN:
Choosing the perfect holiday gift takes time, Gus. (pulls out portrait from Monarch lodge) You can't cut corners. You have to customize, match the gift with the individual. (pineapple with ribbon) Look, I took our Halloween decorations and put Santa hats on them. What do you think? (holds up pumpkins and the eyes glow red)

GUS:
Look, can we do this later? (stands) My sister Joy's flight gets in any minute now.

SHAWN:
You have plenty of time.

GUS:
No I don't, Shawn. You know she usually works during the holidays, London, Paris, Hong Kong. Now that she's home, we have to spend as much time together as possible.

SHAWN:
All that time away from home for work, precisely why I didn't go to law school.

GUS:
Yeah, that and the school part.

They hear the door close and turn to see a young GIRL enter.

SHAWN:
Well, hello there. May I help you?

GIRL:
Are you Mr. Psych?

SHAWN and GUS laugh.

SHAWN:
I'm Mr. Shawn, and this is Scrooge Jones. We're psychic detectives. Who might you be?

GIRL:
My name's Brittany. Mr. Shawn, I need to hire you.

SHAWN:
I see. What for?

BRITTANY:
To get Santa out of jail. All I have is $1.38. (holds out handful of coins) I hope it's enough.

GUS:
We couldn't possibly accept that.

SHAWN:
He's right. (whispers) What else do you have?

GUS hits him on the back with his elbow.

BRITTANY:
The policemen dragged him away from the Santa’s village in Solvang. Please. You have to help him.

SHAWN:
Don't worry, Brittany. There are some wonderful public defenders in the North Pole. Santa will be out in no time.

BRITTANY:
But if he's not out by Christmas eve, he can't deliver his toys.

SHAWN:
Uh, this is...

GUS:
This is a matter for the police.

SHAWN:
Yes, and we never interfere with police matters.

BRITTANY:
I understand.

SHAWN:
(laughing) Okay.

GUS:
Good.

BRITTANY starts crying, face scrunches up and tears falling down her cheeks. The guys stop smiling.

SHAWN:
Oh, boy. What are you supposed to do when a child's crying like this?

GUS is sympathy crying.

GUS:
You cave. Brittany, Mr. Shawn and I will get Santa out as soon as we get back.

BRITTANY:
(smiles) Thank you, Scrooge Jones. Thank you, Mr. Shawn. (leaves)

GUS:
Let's go.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, FRONT HALL, DAY

BILL and WINNIE arrive home with JOY. BILL carries in her bags and WINNIE calls ahead.

WINNIE:
Gus! Gus, we're back from the airport.

GUS comes running around a corner to greet them.

GUS:
(laughs) Hey, sis!

JOY:
Aw, Gussie!

They hug.

GUS:
I missed you.

JOY:
I missed you, too.

They end their hug. SHAWN has joined them in the front hall.

GUS:
You don't know what it's been like not having anyone to talk to.

JOY:
Well, I want to hear more about this psychic detective agency.

WINNIE:
It's very impressive.

SHAWN mouths “thank you”.

BILL:
As we found out last year when we were both brought up on murder charges.

JOY:
I still find that hard to believe.

WINNIE:
Well, we were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

BILL:
Nobody to blame.

BILL and WINNIE point fingers at each other.

JOY:
You two must be pretty good. It's funny, I don't remember you being psychic.

SHAWN:
Oh.

JOY:
When did this happen?

SHAWN and GUS exchange a look before answering together.

BOTH:
High School.

JOY:
Did you two just look at each other?

They look again.

BOTH:
No.

JOY:
You just did it again as if to corroborate what you are going to say.

SHAWN and GUS get defensive, their voices overlapping.

SHAWN:
(crosses one arm across his body and holds the other out) Joy, what is this?

GUS:
(holds hands out in a shrug) I mean…

SHAWN:
We're not on trial here.

GUS:
Joy…

SHAWN:
It’s Christmastime...

GUS:
You came through the door and it's like "what?"

SHAWN:
Be merry! This is not a court room.

GUS:
It's not about law.

JOY:
So why are you both striking defensive poses?

They both lower their arms.

SHAWN:
(stutters) I was just, I was keeping it loose.

GUS:
(rests arm on SHAWN’S shoulder) Yeah.

BILL:
(checks watch) Um, I’m going to be late to work. And don't forget, I’m covering the night shift.

WINNIE:
No, Joy just got here. Raytheon can wait.

BILL:
Government planes don't make themselves... yet.

JOY:
It's okay, daddy. It'll give me and Gus a chance to catch up.

BILL:
All right, well, I’ll see you in the morning, then. Okay, bye.

BILL kisses WINNIE and JOY goodbye before leaving.

WINNIE:
Sweetheart, your room's all ready, and I’ll just be a little longer in the kitchen. (leaves)

GUS:
Let me get this up to your room for you. (strains to left her bags) I doubt you need all of them. (takes the smallest and goes upstairs)

JOY:
(laughs) You can get them later.

JOY and SHAWN watch GUS as he goes upstairs. SHAWN sighs and looks at JOY. They then start kissing passionately.

<center>**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“Christmas Joy”
By
Saladin K. Patterson

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
John Landis

**********************************************************************</center>

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

SHAWN and JOY are making out on the couch. SHAWN pulls away.

SHAWN:
No, wait a minute. What are we doing? What are we doing? This… This cannot happen.

JOY:
I know.

SHAWN:
It was a one-time fling ten years ago, and that's it.

JOY:
I never told.

SHAWN:
Well, thank God. Gus would be crushed.

JOY:
We're both adults, okay?

SHAWN:
No, that's where you're wrong. We're not adults. You're Gus' big sister with the tassels on the handlebars of your banana-seat bike. And I’m Gus' best friend, who put a frog on top of your head. Listen, listen, we can't fool around, especially not in your living room. For Gus' sake, we have to fight it.

JOY:
Speak for yourself. (starts kissing him)

They break apart and stand when they hear GUS coming down the stairs.

GUS:
You know, Joy, since you're so interested in Psych, you should spend as much time with me and Shawn as possible.

JOY:
Great!

SHAWN looks at JOY before plastering on a fake smile.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

SHAWN, GUS and JOY enter the station. As GUS expounds on what they do, JOY tries to hold SHAWN’S hand and he keeps evading.

GUS:
This is where we do our thing, where it all goes down, where the magic happens.

SHAWN:
You realize you repeat yourself when you're trying to impress someone?

GUS:
Yeah, right. Whatever. Please.

JOY:
You kind of do.

SHAWN:
Told you so. Touché.

GUS:
You can't touché yourself.

SHAWN:
Sure I can. Your bad.

GUS:
It's not my bad. You can't "my bad" for someone else.

SHAWN:
Yeah, but you ain't mad at it, though. Know what you saying'?

GUS:
Will you stop it?

VICK:
Mr. Spencer, Mr. Guster, I don't remember hiring you for a case.

SHAWN:
Oh, we're here researching a case for uh, another client. Detective O’Hara’s expecting us.

VICK:
All three of you?

GUS:
Oh, this is my sister, Joy. She's our guest.

JOY:
Hi.

JOY and VICK shake hands.

VICK:
Um, well, technically, you are guests, so that doesn't give you the right to bring your own.

GUS:
I'm sorry, Chief. Joy was just excited to see what we do.

VICK:
Have you ever seen a movie about high school?

JOY:
Yes.

VICK:
Then you've pretty much seen what they do.

SHAWN:
(chuckles weakly) Oh, Chief, she’s just a joker.

VICK:
Sorry, no visitors beyond this point.

GUS:
Oh, yeah sure.

VICK enters her office.

GUS:
(to JOY) Wait here just a moment.

SHAWN and GUS go over to JULIET who is passing out files.

SHAWN:
Jules, wait up.

JULIET:
Hey, oh, I’m sorry, I got your message. Things have just been really hectic around here. Something about the holidays.

SHAWN:
(puts hand to head) Speaking of which, I’m sensing the Santa we've been looking for probably would've been brought in this morning. (lowers hand)

JULIET:
Must've been that fight down at Santa’s Village in Solvang we got a call about. Yeah, we sent a paddy wagon down to assist the county.

SHAWN:
Where are they now?

JULIET:
Well unfortunately, some poor guy was knocked unconscious during the fight, so we're holding everyone in a holding cell until we can find out who's going to face assault charges. This way.

INT. SBPD, HOLDING, DAY

JULIET leads them downstairs and to the cells.

JULIET:
And here we are.

Standing at the bars is a man who really looks like Santa with white hair and beard and dressed in a long-sleeve red shirt with suspenders.

SHAWN:
He really does look like Santa.

JULIET:
Excuse me, sir, could you please step out of the way?

“Santa” moves out of the way to reveal a MAN sitting on one of the benches, his head resting on the wall, one foot on the bench, one on the floor. He looks more like a bum than Santa.

JULIET:
That's your Santa.

SHAWN:
Of course, it is.

JULIET:
Let me know if you need anything else. (leaves)

SHAWN studies the man and sees a large bruise on his left arm around his elbow and others on his right arm. He then studies the other men in the cell. One has a red bracelet with Hebrew on it.

SHAWN:
(aside to GUS) Dude, our Santa only has defensive wounds. There's no way he put anybody in a coma. And I can tell from that guy's bracelet that he's a master of Krav Maga. His fists are considered deadly weapons.

GUS:
Since when can you read Hebrew?

SHAWN:
Since I spent a summer working at a Hasidic deli. Those were good times. (chuckles) Shlomo. Jules, (hand to head) I'm getting something here.

JULIET walks over.

SHAWN:
(moves his hands like he’s doing martial arts) I'm seeing hands, fast as lighting. It's more than a little exciting.

GUS:
Kung fu fighting.

SHAWN:
That's right. Someone in the fight was a master of martial arts, but not Santa.

GUS:
He brings peace and Joy.

SHAWN:
That's right, Gus. The man I’m thinking of is a lethal machine, trained in the martial arts of the Middle East. Hoy! That's him! (points) He's the one who knocked the victim unconscious, and he's the one that should serve time for assault with a deadly weapon.

MAN:
(stands) Assault?! (walks up to bars) I was minding my own business. I only hit that guy because I was defending Santa.

JULIET:
Nice job, Shawn. You just saved us hours of processing.

SHAWN:
Well consider it your Christmas gift.

JULIET:
(to officer) Take him to the interrogation room, please.

SHAWN:
And make sure this one gets back to Santa’s Village to spread some Christmas cheer. There's a very sweet little girl counting on it.

GUS:
We just saved Christmas.

SHAWN:
What?

They fist-bump and then do the dances from “A Charlie Brown Christmas”.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

LASSITER is sitting next to JOY on a bench.

LASSITER:
So, when the cluster of bullets is very tight, we refer to that as precision, not to be confused with accuracy which has to do with the proximity to the intended target.

SHAWN and GUS arrive. GUS does not look pleased.

GUS:
What's going on here?

LASSITER:
Just having a conversation with your delightful sister.

JOY takes advantage of their arrival to stand.

GUS:
Really?

LASSITER stands to help her with her purse.

LASSITER:
Oh, let me get that for you.

GUS:
"Get that for you. " I know exactly what that means. Shawn, what is the sentence for assaulting a police officer?

SHAWN:
Whoa! It's okay, buddy. Sorry, Gus is a little overprotective of his older sister.

GUS:
What's the deal with you and people's sisters anyway? First Vick’s and now mine? And aren't you still married?

GUS:
You snow white...

SHAWN:
Lassie, I think Dobson is, uh, calling for you.

LASSITER:
(to JOY) Really nice to meet you. (leaves)

JOY looks at GUS as if to say “what was that all about?”.

GUS:
(watches LASSITER walk away) The nerve of some people.

JOY:
You know, Gus, hey! I'm a big girl, and I can see whoever I want, thank you.

GUS:
No, not if that person's supposed to be a friend of mine, uh-uh. Hell no. (walks off)

SHAWN and JOY look at each other and SHAWN smiles nervously.

EXT. SBPD, DAY

SHAWN and JOY walk down the stairs. SHAWN is on the phone.

SHAWN:
Yeah, well you weren't there to see it's little face looking up at me meowing for milk and warmth and shelter, were you, Garth? Fine, thanks. (ends call and join GUS) Apparently, my apartment is infested with fleas. It may or may not have something to do with the stray cat that I took in, but they cannot blame me for infesting the entire building.

BOTH:
One adult female flea lays thousands of eggs.

SHAWN:
Wow. That's a little bit frightening. I'll need some place to crash while they fumigate. I'd stay at my dad's, but he's got some of his lodge buddies in town.

JOY:
Well, Gus and I are staying with our folks for the holidays. Why don't you stay with us? (smiles)

SHAWN:
Oh, I don't know, Joy…

GUS:
Shawn, please.

JOY:
There, it's settled.

GUS turns to look at JOY but stops when he sees BRITTANY and the man they got from the holding cell.

GUS:
Look.

SHAWN:
What is it?

BRITTANY:
I saved your butt this time, Daddy! You're lucky I didn't leave you in there to rot!

SHAWN watches and shakes his head as BRITTANY gets into the car and her father shuts the door.

BRITTANY:
Now we only have three days left! Don't screw up again!

FATHER:
Jeez, I’m sorry. (walks to driver’s side)

GUS:
She's a little con artist.

SHAWN:
I bet she had more than $1.38 on her, too.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are with JULIET at her desk.

SHAWN:
Dude, we got conned on Christmas. I don't like having my emotions toyed with like that.

JULIET:
Well, we ran fingerprints on everyone. His name was Carl Wilcox, and, according to police records, he is a known con man.

SHAWN recalls BRITTANY saying they only have three days left.

SHAWN:
Whatever it is, they must be planning it for the 24th. We just need to get proof. Thank you, Jules.

SHAWN and GUS leave.

JULIET:
(calls after them) You're welcome.

EXT. SANTA’S VILLAGE, COURTYARD DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk through the main gates and into the courtyard. Among the typical displays is a pen with two reindeer.

SHAWN:
(points at reindeer) What?

GUS:
What?

They see people dressed as elves, large gingerbread men and a life-size manger scene.

SANTA:
Ho, ho, ho! Have you been good this year?

SHAWN and GUS see SANTA with a child on his lap and then look to where elves are selling the photos taken of the children.

ELF:
All right, so that will be 20 wallets and one 8 x 10. We can send it to a home address. Just check the box.

They make their way forward so they’re even with the front of the line.

SANTA:
(to girl) Okay, well, you keep those grades up so that we can give you everything on your list, okay? All right.

SANTA sets the little girl back down and an elf takes her back to her mother.

SANTA:
Who's next in line to see Santa?

SHAWN and GUS cut the line.

SHAWN:
Excuse us.

SANTA:
(laughs) I don't think Santa’s lap is big enough for you boys.

SHAWN:
Cut the crap, Carl. We know you conned us into getting you out of jail.

CARL:
(stands) Okay, not here, all right? (to line) Santa's going to take a five. Be right back.

CARL leads SHAWN and GUS to a side alley. BRITTANY is there playing a video game.

SHAWN:
Hey, what blind kid did you steal that from?

BRITTANY:
Why would a blind kid have a video game?

SHAWN:
(pauses) You have cooties on your face.

GUS:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
She started it.

GUS:
You started it.

SHAWN:
She gave me the stink eye.

GUS:
She was playing a video game.

SHAWN:
She's a little...

GUS:
Shawn!

CARL:
Okay, look, guys, I really appreciate you getting me out of jail. But I’m working here, okay? Why don't you come back when we have a little reindeer lunch break?

GUS:
Or maybe you'd like to tell us about that little con you have planned for the 24th.

SHAWN:
Here's the thing, Carl, we're on to you. (looks at BRITTANY) Both of you.

CARL:
(stands right in front of them) Couple of smart guys, huh? Well, you're too smart for your own good.

GUS:
(to SHAWN) This guy.

CARL:
(shouts and cowers) Don't hit me!

He runs out to the courtyard followed by SHAWN, GUS and BRITTANY.

GUS:
Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, Santa!

SHAWN and GUS grab CARL in front of a crowd of children.

SHAWN:
Not so fast, St. Nick, huh? International sign of guilt, buddy.

BRITTANY starts crying.

MAN:
Look at those guys!

MAN 2:
Hey, those were the same two guys who I saw cut in line.

WOMAN:
They don't even have kids.

SHAWN:
This is not good.

GUS:
No.

A security GUARD takes them both by the arm and CARL hugs BRITTANY.

GUARD:
All right, enough of you two. Let's go.

As they are lead away, SHAWN sees the lists of families getting photos on the laptop monitor.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, FRONT HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS hurry up the front stairs.

GUS:
I've never been kicked out of Santa’s Village before, Shawn.

SHAWN:
You’re gonna get used to it.

GUS:
I don't want to get used to it. It's humiliating.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, UPSTAIRS HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN:
We still don't know what crime Carl and Brittany are planning for Christmas Eve.

JOY steps out of the bathroom dressed in a short nightgown.

JOY:
Good night, guys.

GUS:
Good night.

SHAWN:
'Night, Joy. See you in the morning.

He waves as she enters her bedroom and closes the door.

SHAWN:
It's like they're mocking us, you know. Feels like a slap in the face. And not a Rhett Butler slap, an Ike Turner slap.

GUS:
Mmmm.

SHAWN:
But we still have a few days to figure it out. Let's just go to bed.

GUS:
Cool.

The two fist-bump and head to their rooms. SHAWN is next to the bathroom and GUS is across the hall next to JOY’S.

GUS:
Good night, dude.

SHAWN:
'Night.

Both men enter their respective rooms.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, SHAWN’S ROOM, NIGHT

SHAWN is lying in bed attempting to read.

SHAWN:
This is ridiculous.

He gets out of bed and leaves the room.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, UPSTAIRS HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN tiptoes down to JOY’S room but hesitates outside her door. He changes his mind and goes into the bathroom instead. JOY then slips out of her room and heads down to SHAWN’S, pausing to primp before going in. SHAWN comes out of the bathroom and makes his way to his bedroom before turning and going into JOY’S room. GUS steps out and looks down the hall towards the stairs. JOY comes out of SHAWN’S room but ducks back in before GUS sees her. GUS turns around at the sound of the door closing and SHAWN comes out of JOY’S room. He sees GUS and goes back in. GUS goes back into his room. JOY leaves SHAWN’S room and goes into the bathroom. SHAWN leaves JOY’S room and goes back to his, somewhat dejected. JOY goes back to her room. SHAWN steps out when he hears her door and goes down to the end of the hall.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Joy!

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, FRONT HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN goes down the stairs.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Joy!

SHAWN notices that the basement door is open. As he slips inside, he notices that one of the kings in the manger scene is black.

INT. GUSTERS’ HOUSE, BASEMENT, NIGHT

SHAWN opens the door to a large storage area.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Joy! Joy!

SHAWN is looking around as the door opens behind him and the light is switched on. It’s BILL. They both gasp in surprise. We see a mall living area set up with a TV and chairs.

BILL:
Shawn?

SHAWN:
Mr. Guster?

BILL:
You're supposed to be asleep. What are you doing here?

SHAWN:
I-I thought that I heard a noise or something. You're supposed to be working the night shift. What are you doing home?

BILL:
I- I forgot something.

SHAWN:
Oh! So, I guess you'll be going back to work then.

BILL:
And I guess you, you'll be going back to sleep?

They circle each other.

SHAWN:
Why aren't you leaving?

BILL:
It's my house. I can leave when I want to! You want to tell me what you were looking for down here?

SHAWN sees residue on BILL’S lapel.

SHAWN:
(puts hand to head) Whoa, I’m getting something here. You weren't at work like you said you were. I see a projector, a movie projector.

BILL:
You're not going to be reading me.

SHAWN:
Yes.

BILL:
Uh-uh. No, no. (ducks and dodges like a boxer)

SHAWN:
Oh, Mister, please…

BILL:
No, no.

SHAWN:
That's ridiculous.

BILL:
No, stick and move. Stick and move.

SHAWN:
Sir, please don't do that. I've already had the vision. It's over. The vision is over. I’ve had it. It's done.

BILL stops and breathes heavily.

SHAWN:
You lied to your family about working the night shift.

BILL:
The truth is... I lost my job at Raytheon a month ago.

SHAWN:
Oh, I’m sorry.

BILL sighs.

SHAWN:
Why are you keeping it a secret?

BILL:
It's Christmastime. Joy's home. I didn't want everybody to worry. So, I go out on interviews all through the day and hang out at the movies or a coffee shop at night. My family thinks I’m doing my night shift. And this is between me and you and that lamp over there, all right?

SHAWN:
You're saying the lawn chair isn't trustworthy?

BILL:
Oh, be serious, boy! So, we’re cool, right?

SHAWN:
We're cool, Mr. G. Yeah.

BILL:
I would hate to think that things changed because you betrayed my trust.

SHAWN:
(scoffs) Believe me, you don't have to worry about that. (leaves)

INT, PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN is lying back in his desk chair, tired from little sleep.

GUS:
(pacing) The problem is, Carl already knows we're on to him. He's not going to let us get close enough to figure out what he's up to.

SHAWN:
(yawns) Unless...

JOY:
You guys ready to grab lunch?

SHAWN and GUS look at JOY as she enters the office. SHAWN waves.

GUS:
Good idea. You could use a pick-me-up.

SHAWN:
I'm sorry, man. I just, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Um, unless, of course, we could figure out a way to snoop around Santa’s Village without Carl knowing.

GUS:
How are we going to do that?

JOY:
I can help.

EXT. SANTA’S VILLAGE, COURTYARD DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk over to the office just as JOY, in an elf costume, exits with a MANAGER.

MANAGER:
Welcome aboard.

JOY:
Thank you.

MANAGER:
We can use all the help we can get for the Christmas rush.

The MANAGER has an open file with CARL’S application. SHAWN reads it over her shoulder. Under “References” he sees the name Theodore and immediately remembers the name of the security guard was Ted. The MANAGER spots SHAWN and closes the file.

JOY:
Merry Christmas!

MANAGER:
Merry Christmas. (goes inside)

SHAWN:
(claps) Great job.

JOY:
Thank you.

SHAWN:
Make sure you sign up for Carl’s shift.

JOY:
Okay.

GUS:
Stay close to him. Let us know what you find out. We'll pick you up later.

JOY:
I'm on it.

JOY walks away and SHAWN watches just a smidge too long for GUS’ liking.

GUS:
What the heck are you looking at?

SHAWN:
That is a beautiful wreath.

GUS:
I hear that.

EXT. SANTA’S VILLAGE, GATES, NIGHT

JOY comes through the main entrance and meets SHAWN and GUS.

SHAWN:
(claps) So? Did Carl realize you were checking up on him?

JOY:
He didn't suspect a thing.

GUS:
What did you find out?

JOY:
I'm sorry, guys, but Carl seems like he's on the up and up.

GUS:
You didn't see him talking with any shady characters?

JOY:
No, just the kids. And you know what? He's a pretty good Santa. I mean, he just doesn't ask them what they want, he asks the kids what they like most about Christmas, what they're most thankful for, what relatives they're going to visit. It's quite touching.

SHAWN remembers one of the elves asking for an address to mail the photos to.

SHAWN:
Wait a minute, that's it. (puts hands to head)

GUS:
What? What do you see?

JOY:
Are you having a vision?

SHAWN:
(stutters) It's a small, it's a small, it's just a... tiny vision.

JOY makes an appreciative “ooh” that comes out rather sultry.

SHAWN:
(closes eyes) Cold shower, baseball stats, watching my grandmother eat meatloaf.

GUS:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
I see Carl and Ted standing in front of a computer screen, uh, with a list of addresses, getting the information from the kids about who's traveling over the holidays, gives them a built-in list of empty houses to rob. That's why he had to be out of jail on Christmas Eve.

We see the action unfold as SHAWN speaks.

GUS:
We need to warn the police before tomorrow.

JOY hurries off and SHAWN watches her go.

GUS:
What the heck are you looking at?

SHAWN:
(laughs) That… Look how cute that little snowman is.

GUS:
I hear that.

GUS walks away and SHAWN follows. The look on his face says “Thank God, he bought that”.

EXT. SANTA’S VILLAGE, COURTYARD, NIGHT

JULIET and LASSITER have joined them as they enter the courtyard.

SHAWN:
His car's still here, so where's Carl?

LASSITER turns on his flashlight and casts a beam around the area.

SHAWN:
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, much less a robber. Really? No one is here? Not a single person? Hello?

LASSITER:
(turns off flashlight) Great. Thanks for dragging us out here for nothing, Spencer.

JULIET:
You're sure you sensed something was going to happen tonight?

SHAWN:
Maybe we just missed them. We could try and figure out which houses they were planning on robbing.

LASSITER:
What do you doing, just randomly start knocking on doors? We've got better things to do. Come on, O’Hara.

LASSITER and JULIET turn around and head back out.

JOY:
How often are you wrong like this?

SHAWN:
Not often.

GUS:
(whispers) Often.

GUS turns on his flashlight and aims it at the manger scene.

GUS:
As usual, they neglected to make one of the wise men black.

JOY:
And I thought everyone knew about Balthazar.

SHAWN remembers one of the kings being black earlier. He goes over and the others follow. He walks up to the king in question and pokes it in the side of the face. It falls to the ground, and they all scream. JULIET and LASSITER hurry back, guns drawn. SHAWN kneels by the body.

SHAWN:
It's Ted.

JULIET hurries over and feels the neck for a pulse. She and SHAWN both straighten up.

JULIET:
We're not dealing with con artists. We're dealing with murderers.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS enter the office. VICK is sitting behind her desk and LASSITER is on one of the chairs facing it.

VICK:
Thank you for coming, Mr. Spencer. Now that this has become a murder case, we're amping up the investigation. As you can imagine, the city wants people to feel safe this holiday season.

LASSITER:
We brought Carl into custody this morning. Brittany's in the conference room with Child Protective Services. So far, we haven't found anything to link Carl to the murder, so technically, we can only charge him with conspiracy to commit burglary. But we're willing to recommend that the D.A. cut a deal if he cooperates in the murder investigation.

GUS:
Did he take it?

LASSITER:
He says he'll only talk to you guys.

VICK:
So, I need to know what you can get out of him. Let's close the book on this one, pronto.

SHAWN and GUS leave the office.

SBPD, INTEROGATION, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are sitting at the table while CARL, still in costume, paces. An officer is present, standing against a wall.

CARL:
I... I admit it, the Santa job was just a long con to rob some people, okay? But you got to believe me, I...I could never have killed Ted.

SHAWN:
I know. Ted was your inside man.

CARL:
(stops and points at SHAWN) I kept that from the police. (paces) Ted and I were partners for a long time. We scammed people all up and down the coast, but we were just con men. We never physically hurt anybody. That wasn't our thing. (sits across from them) Listen, whoever it was that killed Ted might be coming after me next, or, even worse, after Brittany. I don't trust the cops to protect us. You got to stop them.

SHAWN:
How can we believe anything you say, Carl?

GUS:
Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us.

SHAWN:
Fool us thrice makes an ass out of "u" and "me”.

GUS:
Nope.

SHAWN:
We're soon parted?

GUS:
That's a fool and his money.

SHAWN:
What a fool believes?

GUS:
Shawn.

CARL:
(yells) Look, if they kill me, they're just going to throw Brittany back in the system. Now she's a tough little girl, but she's already been through a lot, all right? And I’m all she's got.

SHAWN:
Sorry, man. We don't trust you as far as Gus can throw you.

CARL’S lip begins to quiver and he starts crying.

SHAWN:
Well, now we know where Brittany got this little trick.

CARL’S crying gets more intense and GUS fights crying himself.

SHAWN:
Oh, dude, I think he's really crying.

GUS:
Shawn, you know I can't handle it when a grown man cries. I'm a sympathetic crier.

SHAWN:
What?

GUS gives in and soon both men are sobbing.

SHAWN:
I… Okay, fine! Fine. We'll see what we can do, but you have to promise to cooperate fully. Otherwise, we'll have you dragged right back in here for this Christmas con.

CARL:
Deal. Thank you.

SHAWN:
(to GUS) Stop it. (to CARL) Do you know who may have wanted to hurt you or Ted?

CARL:
We might've kind of owed someone a little money.

SHAWN:
How about you be a little bit more specific?

CARL:
We were into our bookie for ten grand. That's why we were going to do the robberies.

GUS:
(tearfully) Do you know where we can find this bookie?

CARL:
Frank works at two bars, O’Neil’s and The Wild Ox.

SHAWN:
Sweet.

SHAWN and GUS stand. SHAWN sighs and whispers to GUS.

SHAWN:
We'll have to split up. You in the mood for Hepatitis A or C?

They leave.

INT. O’NEIL’S BAR, NIGHT

SHAWN walks up to the bartender.

SHAWN:
Excuse me. Where's Frank?

The bartender nods and SHAWN turns around to see a man working at one of the booths. He goes over and sits down with a sigh and a brief look at a moving Santa statue.

SHAWN:
All right, get me $10 on Do Not Resuscitate in the fifth race. I don't have any cash but give me your PayPal account, and I’ll make a secure deposit online.

FRANK:
(crushes cigarette in ashtray) Some kind of joke?

SHAWN:
Maybe I should introduce myself. Shawn Spencer, psychic detective. I'm here to talk to you about a couple of your customers, namely Carl and Ted.

FRANK:
Well, I hope it's about those two bums paying me the money they owe me.

SHAWN:
It's going to be tough for Ted to pay you back, seeing as how he's dead and everything.

FRANK:
When did this happen?

SHAWN:
(scoffs) Last night. As if you didn't already know. Come on, Frank, I know the game. Somebody loses big, they can't come up with the cash, you got to send a little message. Isn't that the code?

FRANK:
There's a bigger code than that. Dead men don't pay back debts. Injured men do. So, I’m not your guy. Besides, there's a bar room full of witnesses that can vouch for my whereabouts last night. Now, if you'll excuse me, a paying customer has just arrived.

SHAWN:
Fine. (points at Santa) That's weird.

SHAWN gets up to leave and nearly bumps into WINNIE.

SHAWN:
Mrs. G?

WINNIE gasps.

SHAWN:
What in the world are you doing here? Do you know what this guy does?

WINNIE:
Oh, this is so embarrassing. Um, Shawn… (clears throat) I’ve recently made the first and the only bet in my life.

SHAWN:
But you're Gus' mom, for goodness sakes.

WINNIE:
I know. I know. And normally gambling isn't something that I would approve of, but Susan in accounting has this cousin, Jeff, nice guy. He knows someone who knows someone who knows Frank. I already told you this, Frank.

FRANK:
(doing paperwork) I wasn't listening.

WINNIE:
Anyway, it all seemed like fate at the time until I lost. Oh, oh, I felt terrible and I learned a valuable lesson about the perils of gambling. Long story short, I… I lost my Christmas money.

WINNIE gives FRANK the envelope of money.

WINNIE:
Shawn, you have to promise not to tell my husband. I don't want him to know about my secret vice.

SHAWN:
Oh, Mrs. G. First of all, one time is not a vice. It was a momentary lapse in judgment, maybe a jones. Secondly, I am psychically detecting that Mr. Guster will not be angry with you for keeping a secret from the family. He'll understand.

INT. GUSTER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

The four family members are sitting around the coffee table eating when SHAWN comes in.

SHAWN:
(yawns) What are you guys doing up? It's barely light outside.

WINNIE:
Have a seat, dear.

WINNIE tosses SHAWN a cushion and he sits on the floor like GUS and JOY.

SHAWN:
Wow! Christmas at my house never starts 'til after the football game.

GUS:
Well, you're just in time to open presents.

GUS gets up and walks to the fireplace while JOY hands SHAWN a gift. 

GUS:
(hand in stocking) Gee, I wonder if Santa put money in our stockings even though he knows we don't need it.

JOY checks her stocking as well. BILL and WINNIE look guilty on the couch.

GUS:
Hey, where's my Christmas money? I was looking forward to that.

JOY checks the other stockings.

BILL:
I thought you had this handled. With me working the night shift, I didn't have time...

WINNIE:
I have been cooking, cleaning, getting the house ready. I’ve been swamped. (looks at SHAWN) I'm not going to lie. Honey, I made a horrible mistake. I know how you feel about gambling, there's no place for it in the Guster house, but I placed a bet with a bookie and I lost all my spending money.

JOY and GUS stop their search and hear everything.

BILL:
(stands) Oh, Winnie!

GUS:
Mom!

JOY:
You know how to find a bookie?

WINNIE:
(stands) I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. Please forgive me.

BILL:
Winnie Guster placed a bet.

BILL, GUS and JOY start laughing and SHAWN joins in.

SHAWN:
(claps) She…

BILL:
Oh honey, of course we forgive you. Come here. (hugs her) In fact, you've inspired me to come clean about something, too. (clears throat) I, uh... I got laid off from my job a month ago. And before you all start worrying, it's okay. I've already got a couple of call backs for some interviews. I just couldn't bring myself to admit it to you guys.

JOY:
Oh, Daddy. You know you could've come to us.

GUS:
(walks over) Yeah, I mean, layoffs are common in this economy. We understand.

WINNIE:
Oh sweetheart, you'll always be a good provider.

GUS:
Yeah.

BILL:
Thank you.

They have a family hug and SHAWN tries to get out of the way.

WINNIE:
Hey! Hey you, down there. You deserve some of this.

SHAWN:
Oh, no.

WINNIE:
Oh, yes. It was Shawn who helped me realize that I could trust you guys with the truth.

BILL:
Yes, he was there when I needed him, too. Come on up here, boy.

SHAWN:
Oh. Oh, okay.

GUS helps him stand.

WINNIE:
Group hug.

SHAWN is pulled into the hug. JOY ends the hug.

JOY:
I have something to confess, too. Well, actually, Shawn and I do.

SHAWN:
No, we don't.

JOY:
Yes, we do.

SHAWN:
No, we don't. Please, no.

JOY:
We had a romantic tryst ten years ago. Just a little something something.

GUS looks at SHAWN.

JOY:
But with everyone's blessing, we would like to pick up where we left off.

GUS:
You fooled around with my sister?

SHAWN:
Please don't say fooled around. That makes it sound so dirty. One time. Ten years ago. You were off at college.

GUS:
Just because I’m not here, doesn't make her not my sister!

BILL:
(hands on hips) Or our baby girl.

JOY:
Point of information, I'm not a baby.

GUS, BILL and WINNIE turn and shush JOY.

JOY:
What happened to all the love and forgiveness from just a second ago?

WINNIE:
Oh, my mistake wasn't this bad.

BILL:
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you implying that my mistake was worse than yours? Because yours was a lot worse.

WINNIE:
Excuse me, I have a job.

BILL:
I knew it! I knew it was coming.

WINNIE:
Who loses a job after 35 years?

BILL:
You see? That's why you lost all your little money. God don't like ugly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. (leaves)

WINNIE:
(laughs) Oh, no he didn't. Oh, no he did not. (leaves)

GUS:
Wait, wait a second. I'm the one that should be upset here. Everyone in here was lying to me.

JOY:
Grow up! I can't see who I want because you can't handle it.

GUS:
You fooled around with my best friend. You'll do whatever you can just to be the center of attention, won't you?

JOY:
Forehead!

GUS:
Ears!

JOY puts her hands over her ears and hurries from the room.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
I'm so sorry, man.

GUS:
Goodbye, Shawn.

GUS leaves the room, going in a different direction from everyone else.

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT

HENRY grabs a serving tray off a table as he heads into the room.

HENRY:
Yeah, yeah, shrimp. I got it. I'm coming, I’m coming.

HENRY walks into the room proper just as SHAWN enters through the back door.

SHAWN:
Hey Dad, merry Christmas.

HENRY:
Hey Shawn, I thought you were staying over at the Gusters. (replenishes shrimp)

SHAWN:
Yeah, well I kind of, sort of ruined Christmas at that house.

HENRY:
(laughs) What'd you do this time?

SHAWN:
Gus' sister and I sort of hooked up a while back, and for some unknown reason she announced it to the whole family, and now Gus is pissed and he's kicking people out.

HENRY:
Yeah, well fooling around with your best friend's sister certainly wasn't your most brilliant idea.

SHAWN:
No, that was the toaster alarm I invented in the third grade, that woke you up by smacking you in the face with a waffle. I think I peaked too soon.

HENRY:
All right, look, Shawn, of course Gus is going to overreact. He's more than just your friend, he's your partner. There's a special kind of trust there. When you find out that you've been lied to by your partner, you get angry. I saw it on the force all the time.

SHAWN remembers when CARL says they used to run cons along the coast.

SHAWN:
Dad, that's it. That's it! I bet Carl and Ted have another partner.

HENRY:
What? Carl and Ted? How many relatives do the Gusters have?

SHAWN:
(grabs a shrimp) I gotta go! I have a break in the case! (runs out)

HENRY:
Wait… Merry Christmas.

<b<man: (off-screen)
Where's the shrimp?

HENRY:
Yeah, yeah. (leaves)

INT. SBPD, CONFERENCE ROOM, NIGHT

SHAWN and JULIET are sitting at the table, documents spread in front of them.

SHAWN:
I'm sorry for taking you away from your family on Christmas, Jules.

JULIET:
Oh, it's fine. (faces him) Where's Gus?

SHAWN:
We had a fight.

JULIET gasps.

SHAWN:
He totally overreacted. Back in the day, his sister and I had this teeny, weenie little fling.

JULIET:
Ew!

SHAWN:
You're going to take his side. I can't believe this.

JULIET:
I'm just saying it's a little inappropriate.

SHAWN:
Don't worry, it was way before I knew you.

JULIET:
Why would that matter?

SHAWN:
It might.

JULIET:
It doesn't.

SHAWN:
It could.

JULIET:
It won't.

They stare at each other awkwardly.

JULIET:
Let's carry on.

They turn back to the papers.

JULIET:
So I pulled all of Carl and Ted’s court records from across the state like you said. Your psychic sense about them was right. Look at this. Ten years ago in Fresno, Carl and ted turned state’s evidence in an assault and robbery case.

SHAWN:
They implicated someone named Moncrieff Johnson.

JULIET:
See, I knew I had heard that name before, but I thought it was the black quarterback that replaced Woody Harrelson in Wildcats. And then I remembered he was the guy who was knocked unconscious in the fight at the mall. (shows SHAWN photo)

SHAWN:
It was the same fight Carl was involved in.

JULIET:
And guess what else? He was released from the hospital the same day that Ted’s body was found at the mall.

SHAWN remembers CARL saying they never hurt anyone.

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm getting something here. Carl and ted turned state’s evidence because he started using violence, which wasn't their M.O. Moncrieff wasn't an innocent victim in the fight at the mall. He started it. Carl didn't realize he had gotten out of prison and was hunting him down. But the Krav Maga expert knocked him out before he could get to Carl.

We see the action of the fight as SHAWN describes it.

SHAWN:
(stands) When Moncrieff got out of the hospital, he picked up right where he left off. Only this time, he didn't rely on his fists. He's probably going to make his move before Carl can get away again. You call Lassie. I have to warn Carl. (runs off)

INT. CARL’S APARTMENT, NIGHT

CARL is in his Santa costume in the kitchen area of the apartment as Moncrief enters. CARL bends over to look in the fridge and Moncrief approaches with a knife. Carl turns around and we see it’s really LASSITER and it aims his gun at the intruder.

LASSITER:
Ho, ho, ho.

Two officers come in the door behind him, guns drawn.

LASSITER:
(pulls down beard) Moncrieff Johnson, you're under arrest for the murder of Theodore Meltregger and the attempted murder of Carl Wilcox. I think you made the naughty list.

One of the officers cuffs Moncrief and leads him away.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING, NIGHT

SHAWN, JULIET, CARL and BRITTANY watch as Moncrief is put in the back of a police car.

JULIET:
Congratulations, Shawn. We got him.

CARL:
Thanks for believing me this time, man. (shakes SHAWN’S hand)

BRITTANY:
Thanks for saving my daddy. (hugs SHAWN)

SHAWN:
Uh, uh, uh, uh.

SHAWN holds out his hand and BRITTANY puts his wallet in his palm. SHAWN puts it back in his pocket.

LASSITER:
All right, folks, let's clear the area.

JULIET:
All right, you guys can come with me.

JULIET puts an arm around BRITTANY and leads her away. SHAWN puts a hand on CARL’S arm to keep him from following.

SHAWN:
Hey, man, look. I’m not a parent, or an uncle, or even a godfather. I think children are sticky. But look, one thing's for certain, and that's that Brittany is a very smart little girl. She's not going to be little for long. When these times are gone, she'll be out there making her own choices. I mean, do you really think that you're teaching her to make the right choices?

CARL leans in to hug SHAWN.

SHAWN:
Please don't. I’m a grown man. She's right over there.

CARL starts to walk away.

SHAWN:
Carl.

CARL hands SHAWN his wallet.

SHAWN:
Thank you.

JULIET:
Oh, here comes your dad.

CARL picks BRITTANY up in a hug.

BRITTANY:
Daddy.

CARL:
Come on, come on, let's go home.

EXT. GUSTERS HOUSE, NIGHT

SHAWN peers in through the front door before knocking. We hear GUS laughing as he approaches the door. The moment he opens it and sees who’s there, he stops. SHAWN looks apologetic.

GUS:
What do you want?

SHAWN:
I feel uh...

GUS:
Good enough for me. Come on in.

SHAWN enters and GUS closes the door.

INT. GUSTER HOUSE, DINING ROOM, NIGHT

GUS bring SHAWN into the living room where WINNIE, BILL and JOY are laughing while having dinner.

SHAWN:
What is going on here? When I left, you guys were furious with each other.

GUS:
We stayed that way for a while, but we got over it.

BILL:
Like we always do. See, it's not the first time that we got mad because one of us did something stupid. And it won't be the last.

WINNIE:
Our rule is, you can get as mad as you like, as long as you spend the same amount of energy working it out after.

BILL:
It took a lot of energy to work out how we felt about the secret the two of you were keeping.

JOY:
But they got over it.

GUS:
Then we realized, you frustrated us the way only family can, so we decided to forgive you too.

SHAWN:
(softly) Thanks, man.

GUS:
Merry Christmas.

They fist-bump then point fingers at each other before sitting at the table.

BILL:
Oh, and as far as your sleeping arrangements, well, you don't have to go home. but you got to get the hell up out of here.

GUS:
I hear that.

WINNIE:
Say that.

SHAWN:
Got you.

BILL:
Merry Christmas, though. (holds up wine glass)

WINNIE:
Merry Christmas.

SHAWN:
Merry Christmas.

ALL:
Merry Christmas.

They clink their glasses over the center of the table.

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

HENRY is lying back on his couch, feet on the coffee table. There are paper plates and plastic cups strewn around. SHAWN enters carrying a gift bag.

SHAWN:
Hey!

HENRY:
Oh, hey! Hey, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Just came by to drop off your gift. What happened to your lodge buddies?

HENRY:
Oh, I made the mistake of telling Singleton his wife was getting hippy. It was just a joke, I didn't mean anything by it. (sits up) But tempers started to flare, and the next thing you know, the room is divided into two camps, hippy and not hippy. Needless to say, it was time for me to send everybody's ass home.

SHAWN:
Wow. I'm really sorry to hear that, Pop.

HENRY:
No worries because we still have our tradition to do, right?

HENRY shoves stuff off the table, clearing a space. He then brings out a large box and sets it down.

SHAWN:
And my winning streak is about to be extended.

SHAWN clears off the other side of the table and pulls a box from the gift bag and puts it on the table. The boxes are identical.

SHAWN:
Oh, my! Did we get each other the same...

HENRY:
No. Now, you see, I figured you'd pull a stunt like this, so mine is just a decoy.

SHAWN gasps theatrically.

HENRY:
Your real present...

They both lift up the outer box to reveal identical smaller boxes.

HENRY:
You're so predictable, which is why I hid your real present...

They both reach under the coffee table to pull out identical smaller boxes.

SHAWN:
Now this is just uncanny.

HENRY:
You better not have gotten me the same iPhone I got you.

They give each other their presents.

SHAWN:
Don't be ridiculous. I got you the Psych iPhone skin. (reaches into HENRY’S box and pulls out skin) But, silly me, you don't have an iPhone so I’ll just keep it for my new one. (puts the phone in skin) And my winning streak continues. Merry Christmas. (leaves)

Transcript: Psych 3x08 Gus Walks Into a Bank

jpgr — Sun, 18 Jun 2023 20:18:43 GMT

INT. ECHO, DAY

The Echo is parked in the street outside a bank. SHAWN reclines his seat with a sigh. GUS looks at him in disbelief.

GUS:
You're not coming in? You're going to make me stand in that deposit line all by myself?

SHAWN:
No, buddy, I will be with you in spirit, like a tiny wood nymph. Besides, what's your glitch with the ATM machine, anyway?

GUS:
(prepares deposit) It's a "people thing", Shawn. Business should always be done face-to-face.

SHAWN:
Well, if you remember, I’m holding a bit of a grudge against this particular banking institution.

GUS:
Why? Because they turned you down for a small business loan last year?

SHAWN:
Yes, because they turned me down for a small business loan. That was completely legitimate, Gus.

GUS:
Shawn, it was for a zip line pulley system to transport snacks from the kitchen to your desk.

SHAWN:
Or the reception area. What's your point?

GUS:
Part of running a business together, Shawn, is sharing in the responsibilities of the "business" side of the business, like making deposits.

SHAWN:
What about the "bidnizz" side? 'Cause I feel like I'm more of a "bidnizz" man. Who's covering that?

GUS:
(unclips seatbelt) You know what? Fine. I'll do it myself. (leaves)

SHAWN turns on the radio and puts his feet on the dashboard.

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

GUS fills out a deposit slip at the podium in the center of the room. Customers being taken care of by cashiers with others waiting in line. A MAN walks into the bank and is escorted to one of the offices. GUS gets in line and, when he sees a pretty cashier, straightens his collar and tries to appear cool. The MAN is lead back into the lobby, a gun hanging partway out of his jacket pocket.

WOMAN:
(screams and points) Ah! He's got a gun!

The customers duck and try to run. The cashier that GUS was eyeing hits a silent alarm. The MAN turns in a circle before taking out the gun.

ROBBER:
Don't anybody move! (to MANAGER) You, go! Now, don't anybody move!

An older security GUARD confronts him with a gun.

GUARD:
Drop the gun!

ROBBER:
You drop your gun!

The GUARD drops his gun the ROBBER accidentally fires his. He puts a hand to his head, nervous and scared. The people in the bank are even more scared.

ROBBER:
(to GUARD) Get over there! Get back! Don't anybody do anything!

GUS, sitting on the floor, presses himself into the counter.

INT. ECHO, DAY

SHAWN sits up and looks towards the bank. He then hears sirens. LASSITER and JULIET pull up right in front of the Echo. He gets out of the car.

EXT. BANK, DAY

A number of patrol cars pull up as LASSITER and JULIET get out of the car.

SHAWN:
Lassie, Jules... what are you doing here?

LASSITER:
What are you doing here?

JULIET:
Shawn, we have a situation. Some guy held up the bank and we think he's taken hostages.

SHAWN rushes to the bank but LASSITER grabs him.

LASSITER:
Whoa! Whoa, take it easy.

SHAWN:
(takes deep breath) Gus is in there.

**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“Gus Walks Into a Bank”
By
Andy Berman

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Eric Laneuville

**********************************************************************

INT. HENRY’S, KITCHEN

HENRY turns on the TV while he has coffee. The news is covering the situation at the bank.

SUE ELLEN:
This is Sue Ellen Jasper reporting to you live outside the Santa Barbara National Savings Bank where an as-yet-unnamed assailant has attempted to steal over a million dollars' worth of diamonds and is now holding hostages inside.

EXT. BANK, DAY

SUE ELLEN continues her report.

SUE ELLEN:
Police are on the scene but have yet to reveal any further details. We'll report back to you as soon as we have more information.

SHAWN and JULIET are standing behind a police van where they are watching surveillance from inside the bank.

JULIET:
You didn't see anything?

SHAWN:
I wasn't in the bank, Jules. Whoa! Hold it right there.

SHAWN watches the replay of the ROBBER entering the bank and being greeted by the MANAGER.

JULIET:
Why didn't you go into the bank?

SHAWN:
We came here to make a deposit. That's not really a two-man job. What, we both should've grabbed a corner of the check and gingerly walked it in together?

SHAWN looks at video from the vault and sees the MANAGER raise his hands before the ROBBER pulls his gun.

JULIET:
I just find it oddly un-psychic of you to have not known this was going to happen.

SHAWN:
(frustrated) I don't see into the future, Jules. I read things in the present. And I get it. You think I'm not kicking myself enough? I let my best friend go in there without me and now he's stuck in there and I'm stuck out here. (walks off)

LASSITER is standing behind his car looking into the bank with binoculars. BUZZ is with him. SHAWN and JULIET walk over.

SHAWN:
Detective Lassiter, that guy could be a loose cannon. Someone needs to go inside the bank.

VICK:
(joins them) O'Hara, I need you to take statements from the remaining witnesses that were outside the bank.

JULIET:
Got it, Chief. (leaves)

VICK:
Now, Detective...

LASSITER:
Yeah.

VICK:
I just wanted you to know that I've informed the FBI and SWAT and their chief negotiator is moments away.

SHAWN is a bundle of nervous energy and keeps looking at the bank.

LASSITER:
No.

VICK:
It's protocol and you know it.

LASSITER:
Chief, this thing's already turning into a three-ring circus without bringing those adrenaline monkeys down here.

VICK:
Look, we have a hostage situation, Detective, and I expect you to fully cooperate.

LASSITER:
Just make a call in the bank. See where we're at. Maybe I can wrap this thing up here and now. Save the city a whole lot of time and money.

SHAWN:
Somebody needs to call into the bank!

LASSITER holds up his phone just as sirens are heard as SWAT arrives in two SUVs and a van. Men in tactical gear jump out and automatically take up position. The ROBBER cautiously peers out the front door of the bank. The back of the van opens to reveal an older man in a bulletproof vest over a dress shirt. He jumps down and runs a hand through his hair. SHAWN doesn’t know what to make of him. The man puts on sunglasses and walks over to them as more officers exit the van.

MAN:
Heads up, we're on the clock!

SHAWN:
And cut! Great. Dripping with swagger. Let's go again, though, and maybe ease up on the cocksure smile just a bit. I liked it. I'm just not sure it's going to play in the Midwest.

MAN:
Who the hell are you?

SHAWN:
Oh, my apologies. I'm Shawn Spencer. Lead psychic for the SBPD. And dilettante of shadow puppetry. (holds hands up) What's this? What's this right here? (makes kissing sound) Oh, that's a swan kissing the moon.

MAN:
Well, I'm Commander Luntz, hostage negotiator, and I will thank you to step aside and let me handle things from here.

LASSITER:
(clears throat) Luntz.

LUNTZ:
(sighs) Lassiter.

LASSITER:
Perhaps as head detective I can brief you on what's going on here.

LUNTZ:
Listen, Detective, I don't want to play the title game with you.

SHAWN:
(legs twitch with pent up energy) Title game? Is that anything like Celebrity? ‘Cause if it is, I'm going to kick your ass.

Nobody responds.

SHAWN:
What? I will. I'm really good at the game.

LUNTZ:
Little refresher, I have 26 years of experience and I'm sort of an expert in human psychology and conditioning so I do know two things. One, your friend here is acting out of a place of fear. A little sweat on the temple, a little vibrato in the voice. This is personal for you. And number two, I have about 40 seconds to initiate a call into that bank before all the wheels spin off of this thing. So, excuse me. (calls to he men) Boys, fire me up a call inside the bank and patch me in. (walks away)

MAN:
Yes, sir. Right away.

SHAWN:
We're not just going to let him do this, right, Lassie?

LASSITER:
It's protocol. We have no choice.

With a sigh, SHAWN backs away and dials his phone.

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

The hostages in the bank are sitting on the floor as the ROBBER paces. GUS’ phone starts to ring and he ignores it.

ROBBER:
Whose phone is that?

MAN:
(points at GUS) It's his phone.

GUS:
Thank you, sir. We're hostages together. We're supposed to be on the same side here.

ROBBER:
(walks over to GUS) Give me the phone.

GUS:
I apologize. I would, but it's my work phone. (takes phone from jacket pocket) And I get charged the deductible for any lost or stolen items, so how about I just turn the ringer off?

The ROBBER takes the phone from GUS and throws it to the floor where it breaks apart. GUS gasps.

ROBBER:
Everyone, cell phones, now!

The hostages pull out their phones and throw them on the floor by GUS’. The phone on one of the desks begins to ring. The ROBBER walks over slowly and picks it up.

EXT. BANK, DAY

LUNTZ walks around the cordoned area as he talks.

LUNTZ:
This is Commander Luntz. My friends call me Luntz. You are? That's good. That's fine. You don't have to say anything. I can do all the talking for now. I'm real good at these one-sided conversations, just ask my ex-wife. What about you? You married?

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

As LUNTZ talks, the ROBBER looks out the window and sees the SWAT men moving as they change position.

ROBBER:
Get those guys away from the bank! Tell them to get the hell back!

LUNTZ: (over phone)
I can do that.

ROBBER:
Do it now!

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

EXT. BANK, DAY

LUNTZ:
Well, you got to do something for me then. That's how these things work.

ROBBER:
What?

LUNTZ:
How 'bout we start with a name? You give me your name and I will back those guys so far up they'll have to put two stamps on any letter they mail to you. How's that?

LASSITER:
(aside to SHAWN) Like he's just going to give him his name.

LUNTZ:
Phil, that's good. I've got a nephew named Phillip.

LUNTZ walks in front of SHAWN and LASSITER and they share a look like “Do you believe this guy?”.

LUNTZ:
He's a real rascal. He's got a killer arm for an eight-year-old. He plays right field. What's your last name, Phil?

VICK and JULIET arrive as he’s talking.

PHIL:
Get 'em back!

LUNTZ:
Well, I just need to know who I'm dealing with. That's how I can help you. Otherwise, these guys with the guns, they get really, really nervous. So, if we get to know each other, we can be friends. Then I can vouch for you, and I can protect you. I protect all my friends.

PHIL:
Stubbins.

LUNTZ:
(taps BUZZ) Stubbins.

BUZZ:
I'm on it. (leaves)

A WOMAN calls from outside the tape.

WOMAN:
My fiancé, Michael Lenhart is in there. He's a diabetic. He's going to need to eat soon. Help him, please.

JULIET:
(to WOMAN) Okay, okay, just stay calm. (whispers in LUNTZ’ ear) Hey. There's a woman over there who is hysterical. Her fiancé’s inside. He's a diabetic.

SHAWN sees JULIET put her hand on LUNTZ’ arm and LUNTZ leans in a bit too close.

LUNTZ:
Uh, now, look, Phil, nobody is in a rush here. I'm in this for the long haul as long as you are, so we'll take our time, but you have a bunch of hungry people in there and you've got a young guy who's a diabetic and his fiancée is out here worried about him. You know how women worry. So, it would go a long way if you let me send you guys some food in there. You like pizza?

>>>LATER>>>

A couple of FBI agents walk past with pizzas. SHAWN is walking with LASSITER and JULIET.

LASSITER:
That's because you don't understand how protocol works. And you may have gotten Guster in real trouble in there dialing his cell phone.

SHAWN:
At least I did something.

JULIET:
Look, Shawn. He is SWAT. And he is good at what he does. I am fine with backing off here.

SHAWN stops and looks back before turn to answer JULIET.

SHAWN:
He's SWAT? He's SWAT? That's your argument? He's not Colin Farrell.

JULIET:
I get that you are concerned about Gus, but I can assure you he is in capable hands.

SHAWN remembers when JULIET spoke to LUNTZ and he put his hand on the small of her back.

SHAWN:
Wait a minute. I get what's happening here.

JULIET:
You do?

SHAWN:
Yes, I do. I'm sensing a relationship here.

JULIET:
You are?

LASSITER looks at her.

SHAWN:
Yes. You and Luntz. There's a familial thing happening. He's like an older uncle. What? Are you related to him?

LASSITER:
Not yet.

JULIET:
Lassiter!

LASSITER:
What? He's psychic. Shouldn't he know already?

SHAWN:
Know what? What is he getting at?

JULIET:
It's nothing. But I do know Cameron… Luntz. Commander Cameron Luntz.

SHAWN:
Cameron?

JULIET:
Yes. And he's not my uncle. I met him at a police district conference. He asked me out. We went on a few dates. I like him.

SHAWN:
(laughs) Oh, my God! You're dating this guy?

LASSITER:
(grins) Ding, ding, ding! Tell him what he won, O'Hara.

JULIET:
Lassiter!

LASSITER leaves.

JULIET:
Look, Shawn. I was…

SHAWN:
Don’t… Don’t… Don't worry. It's fine, Jules, really. Dare I say, dandy? Isn't that a word from his generation?

JULIET:
That's not fair. And, look, I was going to talk to you about it earlier, but…

SHAWN:
That's great. It's really great, congratulations. I'm so, so happy for you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a best friend to save. (leaves)

JULIET sighs and watches him go. SHAWN goes to the van where LUNTZ and VICK are watching video. Behind them, FBI agents are preparing to deliver the pizzas.

SHAWN:
Chief, elder Commanding Officer Luntz, you need to let me get involved here. You need to let me scope things out.

VICK:
Absolutely not. You're not a trained tactical officer, Spencer.

LUNTZ:
Are we positive he's even house-trained?

SHAWN:
(scoffs) Okay. All right, maybe you and I got off on the wrong foot. And you know what? You're correct. I have had a few close calls around the house recently. But I can help you.

LUNTZ:
Oh? How's that?

SHAWN:
What do you know about this guy, other than his name?

LUNTZ:
We know that he's a longtime customer of this bank. Owed a huge load of back taxes to the IRS, he's just had his house foreclosed on. And he's a middle child. (pours breath freshener onto his tongue)

VICK:
You know he's a middle child?

LUNTZ:
I could hear it in the timbre of his voice, and the fact that he doesn't use contractions, yes.

SHAWN:
Okay, fine. What about everyone else in the bank? Look, you send your guy in there and what? Maybe he gets you a guesstimate of how many hostages there are? I can walk into that bank, I can psychically read every single hostage and Stubbins.

LUNTZ:
He's freaked out. He won't talk to you.

SHAWN:
He doesn't need to. I can read his mind.

LUNTZ:
Can you read my mind right now? 'Cause it's sending a very clear message where I want you to be.

Cut to SHAWN standing behind the police barricade. A cell phone rings in the van and one of the officers passes it to LUNTZ.

OFFICER:
Sir!

LUNTZ: (into phone)
Luntz here.

PHIL: (over phone)
Do you think I'm stupid?

LUNTZ: (into phone)
What are you talking about?

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

PHIL:
I can see what you are doing. You are sending a cop in here with the pizzas.

LUNTZ:
Look, Phil. Calm down now. That's just for everybody's safety, that's all.

PHIL:
Well, it is not happening.

LUNTZ:
I'll bring them up there myself if you like.

PHIL:
I do not think so. You will send in a regular person.

LUNTZ:
Regular person?

PHIL:
Yes, a regular person. You will send in someone from behind those barricades. A regular person, not a cop.

LUNTZ leans around the van and sees SHAWN who slowly raises his hand.

>>>LATER>>>

SHAWN walks up to the bank door carrying the pizzas. He sets them down on the ground and raises a hand to say “wait a minute” as he inspects them. LUNTZ sees this.

LUNTZ:
What the hell is he doing?

SHAWN:
I wouldn't accept these if I were you.

LUNTZ:
(takes a few steps) Spencer! Just put the pizzas down and walk away. Get outta there.

SHAWN:
(stands up with pizzas) Eight pies, four of them are vegetable. (turns around)

LUNTZ:
What? Is this guy for real?

SHAWN:
No pepperoni? Really? Plus the blatant disregard and utter criminal lack of ham and pineapple?

LUNTZ:
Spencer…

SHAWN:
What kind of good faith negotiation, is this? (backs up to door) I mean, this is a hostage negotiation.

LUNTZ:
Well, I don't care if you're not happy with the ingredients! Put the pizzas down and walk away!

SHAWN:
(to PHIL) I won't let you accept these.

LUNTZ:
Walk away! This is my operation! (to armed men) Go get him. Go get him out of there!

SHAWN:
He's not going to accept these-- aah!

PHIL grabs his arm and pulls SHAWN into the bank, locking the door behind them.

OFFICER:
All right, then, move! Fan out! Fan out! Fan out! Go, go, go, go!

LUNTZ:
Spencer! (sighs) Terrific.

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

PHIL has SHAWN enter in front of him and motions with the gun.

PHIL:
Put those pizzas down right over there.

SHAWN notices that the gun’s safety is on. He sets the pizzas down on the middle island. GUS tenses a little on seeing him. SHAWN turns to face PHIL, hands up.

SHAWN:
All right, Phil, I'm just as mad about this as you are. Why don't you let me go out there and make this right? And on the way back in, I'll have them throw in a couple liters of old-fashioned root beer and some Cinnastars. They're like Cinnadots, they're just-- they're pointy. They're good. They're not great. But I can get them, free of charge. I'll be right back.

SHAWN starts to leave but PHIL grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him close, holding the gun on him.

PHIL:
You're not going anywhere. You’ve just become my next hostage.

>>>LATER>>>

PHIL has some of the hostages behind the counter, some in front and a few in the waiting area. They are all without shoes. SHAWN and GUS are next to each other and have a whispered conversation.

GUS:
Why does he keep separating everybody?

SHAWN:
Jules is dating an old SWAT guy?

GUS:
We're in a hostage situation, Shawn. You don't get that?

SHAWN:
I do get it. What I don't get is the bulletproof vest over the shirt, what is that?

GUS:
I'm telling you, something's not right with this guy. I mean, he makes us take our shoes off. Who does that? why?

SHAWN:
It's a way of containing people. You know, slowing them down and whatnot.

GUS:
So we can't run away when he starts shooting us! He's going to start killing us off one-by-one. Oh, my God.

SHAWN:
Would you please relax? Clearly, I have a handle on the situation.

GUS:
A handle? A handle! You mouthed off to him and got yourself taken hostage!

SHAWN:
Of course I did. That was my plan all along, you sweet dollop of spicy goodness. I had to get myself in there, so I could see what I'm dealing with. And I have this feeling that we are not dealing with the person they think we are. Why would a bank robber keep his gun safety on? So help me out. Think. What do you remember seeing the moment that the robbery went down? Features? Noses? Maybe a chin?

GUS:
I did see a chin, a beautiful one. A glorious one.

GUS leans forward and looks down the line to the cashier he was eyeing earlier. She is sitting next to an older Asian woman.

SHAWN:
There's a good chance she's over a hundred. Are you sure you've thought this through?

GUS:
Not her, Shawn!

SHAWN:
Oh.

GUS:
I've had a lot of time to think in here, Shawn. And I've realized some things about life.

SHAWN:
It's been two hours.

GUS:
Yes. But two hours hostage time. Things happen fast in here Shawn. Life is fleeting. And I need to live it. I need to say the things I'm feeling and act on those feelings before it's too late. And so do you.

SHAWN:
Okay. In other news… Phil! Phil!

SHAWN raises his hand and waves it to get PHIL’S attention.

GUS:
What are you… What are you doing? You want to get yourself shot?

GUS tries to hold SHAWN down but he gets up just as PHIL comes over.

PHIL:
What?

GUS:
Sorry. Nothing. Our bad. You just go back to your whole robbering thing.

SHAWN:
I need to potty. I’m sorry, I'm sorry. (faces hostages) I'm sorry, everyone. I downed an Orange Julius right before I was taken captive And it--it went right through me. (turns back) I need to potty, okay? Look, I know my body, and I know my stomach, and this could get really ugly.

PHIL:
All right. All right, all right. All right, don't anybody move. I'm watching you. I'm just going to be right here. Don't move. (escorts SHAWN out)

INT. BANK, HALL, DAY

PHIL has SHAWN walk the hall between the enclosed glass offices. PHIL keeps a hand on SHAWN’S shoulder while the other holds the gun.

SHAWN:
You know I'm not really a regular person, right, Phil?

PHIL:
What does that mean?

SHAWN:
‘Cause I tried once and failed. I'm just too unique and interesting. The French call it du fromage, Which, loosely translated, means "of cheese."

They walk through the breakroom and stop in front of the bathrooms.

SHAWN:
The truth is, I'm actually a psychic, a professional one. And I am getting a major reading right in here. (moves his hand in front of PHIL)

PHIL:
You are?

SHAWN:
(hisses) There it goes again. (puts hand to his head)

PHIL:
What? What's it saying?

SHAWN:
It's saying that you are a middle child.

PHIL:
Yes, yes, I am!

SHAWN:
It is also saying that you are not a bank robber.

PHIL’S eyes widen. He looks back to the lobby then whirls SHAWN around.

PHIL:
You know this?

SHAWN:
Yes. Very much so. There is something else at play here, Phil. Something nefarious and also evil.

PHIL:
Oh, God! (hugs SHAWN) You do know. (hugs again)

SHAWN:
All right. Okay.

PHIL:
I can't keep up this ruse any longer. Please, how's my wife?

SHAWN:
Your wife?

PHIL:
Yes, is she scared?

SHAWN:
Is she scared? Uh... Yes, she is scared.

PHIL:
Oh, my God. Joanna, I'm so sorry. Can you, can you get a message to her?

SHAWN:
(hesitates) Yes, I believe I can, yes.

PHIL:
(speaks into SHAWN’S ear) Joanna. Joanna. Listen, Joanna, this morning I was confronted by a man, I don't know who, and he told me that he had kidnapped you and was holding you somewhere, and if I didn't walk into this bank right then and get him these diamonds and drop them in a mailbox down the road, he was going to kill you. I screwed up. And I don't know how to get out of this, honey. I'm so sorry.

SHAWN:
Oh, wow. Phil, that was something. I mean, it was just really jam-packed with, uh, information. It was also a little breathy. Oddly soothing. She said not to worry. Everything is going to be okay.

PHIL:
(speaks into SHAWN’S ear) But how?

SHAWN:
You don't have to...

PHIL:
Okay, yeah. But how? I mean, I feel like I'm being watched. By the cops, by someone in here.

SHAWN:
Phil, I will help you, but you have to trust me. I'm working with the police department. I know who all the players are out there. I will get you out of this bank and I will find out where your wife is. But you have to let me lead this negotiation. Do you think you can do that?

PHIL:
I think so.

SHAWN:
Okay, here's the plan. First, keep up the crazy guy routine. We need that.

PHIL:
All right.

SHAWN:
But do not speak to anyone here, unless I am with you. Secondly, you're going to have to give me some privacy. I wasn't kidding about the Orange Julius.

SHAWN slips into the bathroom.

EXT. BANK, DAY

At the van, the cell phone rings and an officer passes it to LUNTZ.

LUNTZ:
Luntz here.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. BANK, BATHROOM, DAY

SHAWN paces in the stall.

SHAWN:
I have some info for you. Stubbins is not behind this. Someone…

LUNTZ:
Look, Spencer, the first thing you gotta realize about these guys is that they will try to manipulate anybody they can to get out of there alive. I think that you have interfered and screwed up enough, don't you? Why don't you find yourself a quiet little corner in there and lay low. Copy? (ends call)

SHAWN:
But I’m telling… (sighs and closes phone)

LUNTZ:
Kenny, I need to talk to you!

KENNY:
Yes, sir. What's up, sir?

LASSITER is walking along the sidewalk when his phone rings.

LASSITER:
Hello?

SHAWN:
Lhasa apsos. I have an idea that might put you back front and center on this case.

LASSITER:
I'm listening.

SHAWN:
Stubbins isn't behind the robbery. Somebody kidnapped his wife and put him up to it.

LASSITER:
Spencer, you know that sounds a little nutsy, right?

SHAWN:
What do you have to lose? Just send a couple black and whites out to look for the wife and see what blows back.

LASSITER:
How can you be so sure that sh—(hears flushing) What was that sound? (call ends) Spencer? (closes phone) Hey, McNabb!

BUZZ:
(hurries over) Yes, sir.

LASSITER:
I've got something I'm going to send you out on.

BUZZ:
Okay.

The two walk off.

INT. BANK, MANAGER’S OFFICE, DAY

PHIL:
What are we doing in the bank manager's office?

SHAWN is sitting at the desk with his feet up. PHIL is standing in the doorway.

SHAWN:
I've taken the liberty of putting together a list of demands that you can give to Luntz. (throws a legal pad onto the desk)

PHIL:
Demands?

SHAWN:
Yep. Yeah, we're going to call out there and you're just going to read these off to him.

PHIL walks over and picks up the pad and reads.

PHIL:
"My Demands by Phil. An airplane to take me wherever I want. Tour bus, blue, with full tank of gas and groupies.”

SHAWN:
That's non-negotiable.

PHIL:
“$5,000 in unmarked bills.” This is a huge list. What if they won't give me any of this stuff?

SHAWN:
I don't expect them to, Phil. That's just to buy us time, so that we can figure out who in here has put you up to this.

PHIL:
“A zip line pulley system used to transport deliciously flavored snacks and such from one location to another.” What is this?

SHAWN:
Look, just call out to Luntz, okay? And remember, I need to speak to him first.

As PHIL dials using the landline, SHAWN sees a list of foreclosures on the desk and files away the names and addresses.

PHIL:
Luntz, it's Phil.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

EXT. BANK, DAY

LUNTZ:
Hey there, friend. I was wondering why I haven't heard from you.

PHIL:
Well, I'm going to put Shawn… Spencer? Shawn Spencer on the phone. He will be negotiating on my behalf from here on in. (hands the phone to SHAWN)

LUNTZ:
No, no, Phil. Don't do that. That's a mistake. This is between you and me…

SHAWN:
Hey, Cam, it's Shawn. What's up, buddy?

LUNTZ:
(sighs) Spencer, put Stubbins on the phone now.

SHAWN:
Eeh, that's, uh... That's going to be a little awkward. uh-- I'm not really sure how to put this, and bear with me because this is my first hostage negotiation. But it would appear that I am, in fact, making the demands now. So why don't you go ahead and put Detective O'Hara on the phone, please.

LUNTZ:
Why in the world would I do that?

SHAWN:
Oh, I don't know, isn't the timbre of my voice telling you why?

After a pause, LUNTZ hands the phone to JULIET.

LUNTZ:
It's Spencer.

JULIET:
Shawn, are you all right?

SHAWN:
Jules, how serious is this thing with you and Luntz, really?

JULIET:
(sighs) I'm so not having this conversation with you right now.

SHAWN:
Is he standing next to you, sniffing your hair? Huh? Is he listening to me?

The agents monitoring the phone look over at her.

JULIET:
Shawn, half the Santa Barbara Police Department can hear us.

SHAWN:
Okay, fine, you're right. I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. Just... Just answer me this. Does he have those older guy boobies that sort of droop at the ends?

The agents laugh.

JULIET:
Okay, I'm hanging up on you now.

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. I'm putting Phil… I'm putting Phil on for Luntz.

Both SHAWN and JULIET pass the phone.

LUNTZ:
Hey there, buddy. You there?

PHIL:
Yeah. Okay. First, I need a plane.

LUNTZ chuckles in disbelief, knowing SHAWN created the list.

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

SHAWN rejoins the hostages and sits so the MANAGER is between him and GUS.

SHAWN:
Oh, gosh.

SHAWN opens a bag of cookies, making noise. GUS shushes him.

SHAWN:
(whispers) This bank sucks. Wait a minute, you're the bank manager.

MANAGER:
Yes. I'm Nathanial Gresling.

SHAWN:
Do you recall rejecting a small business loan for a zip line snack transportation system, calling it, and I quote, "fiscally irresponsible”?

GUS:
Shawn…

GRESLING:
Yes, I do.

SHAWN:
Well, Mr. Nathanial Gresling, this little task of retrieving the Mini Oreos took me 14 seconds. Zip line? (makes whooshing noise) Five. Fiscally irresponsible? Nay! I call that my fiscal obligation to my shareholders, namely, Gus here.

GUS:
Shawn!

GRESLING:
Look, I'm sorry, you think that was all my decision? I'm just a dupe for the upper management. I don't have the power you think I do.

GUS:
We understand, Mr. Gresling. I'm still a little fuzzy on the details. Do you remember what happened this morning, when Mr. Stubbins came to the bank?

GRESLING:
I remember him entering the bank and he approached me.

The scene is intercut with flashbacks as GRESLING tells his story.

GRESLING:
I was busy with a customer but he caught my attention.

We see that GRESLING is lying. There was no customer and he approached PHIL.

GRESLING:
He asked me to take him to the safety deposit vault, which I did.

GUS:
Hmm.

GRESLING:
Once inside the vault he drew his gun.

We see that GRESLING raises his hands before PHIL takes the gun from his pocket.

SHAWN:
How do you suppose he knew about the diamonds?

GRESLING:
The diamonds were deposited in that particular box one week prior. I very distinctly remember Mr. Stubbins being in the bank that day.

GUS:
How do you distinctly remember that?

GRESLING:
Well, the gentleman who deposited the diamonds was a very wealthy customer, who management considers to be a VIP client. Therefore, I'm instructed to treat him as such.

GUS:
Right.

GRESLING:
Mr. Stubbins was in the bank before to get to his safety deposit box, but I skipped him over.

GUS:
Oh, that never feels good.

GRESLING:
He was very upset. He complained. I felt bad for him and maybe this was my mistake, but I told him that the gentleman was depositing some very valuable merchandise.

GUS:
Oh.

GRESLING:
Therefore, he knew about the diamonds.

GUS:
Right.

SHAWN:
Don't beat yourself up, man. It's not your fault.

GRESLING:
Thank you very much.

GUS sighs and looks away.

SHAWN:
God. (winces and holds stomach) Nothing is agreeing with me today. Excuse me. I'm going to have to, uh, take care of some more business. (leaves)

PHIL is holding the phone to his ear as he watches LUNTZ through the window. SHAWN returns from the bathroom and walks over.

SHAWN:
Phil, buddy. What're you doing?

PHIL:
They're going to meet all my demands.

SHAWN:
Seriously? Even the plane?

PHIL:
Yeah.

SHAWN:
What about the snack line?

PHIL:
Yeah.

SHAWN’S eyes practically bug out.

PHIL:
Um, they wanted me to come take a look at the bus. It's not blue. Is that okay?

SHAWN:
Yeah.

EXT. BANK, DAY

LUNTZ: (into radio)
You have a shot, take it.

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

Looking out the window, SHAWN sees a sniper on the roof. He then sees the red dot on PHIL’s chest that marks the sight for the shooter. He tackles PHIL to the floor just before the shot comes through the window.

EXT. BANK, DAY

LUNTZ and VICK are behind a car.

SNIPER:
That's a negative on the target, sir.

LUNTZ:
How did you miss?

SNIPER:
He just fell out of my scope. Very strange.

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

GUS and the other hostages look over at SHAWN with disbelief. He had just saved the life of the man holding them, prolonging the situation. The looks soon turn to hate.

SHAWN:
Free hugs. Who's next?

INT. HENRY’S, KITCHEN

HENRY still has the news on the TV.

SUE ELLEN:
Well, we're still coming to you from outside the National Savings Bank where the hostage situation has escalated. Shawn Spencer, psychic detective for the Santa Barbara Police Department, is now inside the bank. And is not only a hostage...

HENRY:
You got to be kidding me.

SUE ELLEN:
…he appears to be calling the shots on behalf of the now-named assailant, Phillip Stubbins.

HENRY:
Oh, this can't be good.

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

SHAWN scurries over to GUS on his hands and knees and sits with a groan.

GUS:
Dude, don't even sit by me right now. They already hate me for the phone thing, I don't need them to know I'm friends with the guy that kept them from being rescued.

SHAWN:
Okay, you know something, maybe before you admonish me with that tone of voice, you'd like to hear my insanely good news.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
As a sign of cooperation, Phil and I are going to release a hostage, you happy now?

GUS:
(shakes SHAWN) Yes, yes, yes, yes yes, yes, yes, yes!

SHAWN:
Okay.

GUS:
I knew you would get me released! Thank you!

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Dude, it's not you.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Think about it for a minute.

GUS:
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm a horrible person. There's older people here and women.

PHIL:
Shawn, are you ready?

SHAWN:
Phil, I will be with you in one minute.

PHIL leaves.

GUS:
What? You are the hostage being released?

SHAWN:
Gus…

GUS:
I can't believe this.

SHAWN:
I have a hunch about where Phil's wife is being held. I think it's directly linked to a list of foreclosed houses in the area. And I have to check it out. Don't you see? It's got to be me.

GUS:
Just figure this out and get me out of here before there's a red laser light shining on my forehead. And be careful, Shawn.

SHAWN:
I will, buddy. (stands)

GUS:
(stands and puts a hand on SHAWN’S arm) Oh, and, Shawn, I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I care about you and I appreciate you. And, well, I love you, Shawn. (hugs him)

SHAWN:
Okay, buddy, I hear ya. (pats him awkwardly on the back) You know I'm going to be back in, like, half an hour, right? Wow, that is a tight hug. All right. All right. Okay.

Later, SHAWN is walking towards the door with PHIL.

SHAWN:
Okay, I'm pretty sure Gresling is our guy.

PHIL:
You are?

SHAWN:
Yeah. This morning when you walked into the bank, you didn't find him, he found you. His hands were quicker than your gun.

PHIL:
What?

SHAWN:
Just stay away from him, say nothing. Do not pick up the bank line. Do not field any calls until I return. Okay?

PHIL unlocks the door and SHAWN opens it partway.

PHIL:
All right. Shawn, I love my wife.

SHAWN:
I know you do, man. (goes outside)

EXT. BANK, DAY

SHAWN exits the bank and squints at the sun, using his hands to block the light. JULIET spots him with the binoculars.

LUNTZ:
All right, go get him.

SHAWN raises an arm in response to the cheers and applause. Three SWAT officers grab him and bring him to the van. JULIET, VICK and LASSITER rush over.

LUNTZ:
All right, put him in a holding van. I want to debrief him.

LASSITER:
(pulls SHAWN’S free arm) No, no. No way, Luntz. This is our guy. Any debriefing is going to be done by us.

LUNTZ:
No, this is my investigation.

The SWAT officer pulls SHAWN’S other arm.

SHAWN:
Well, guys, guys, I appreciate you arguing over me, but let me just point out, I'm not wearing briefs.

VICK:
Commander Luntz, Mr. Spencer is in our department, so we will debrief him first, but we'll share any information that we gather.

LASSITER:
Hands off. (pulls SHAWN away)

HENRY:
(behind barricade) Shawn! Shawn!

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dad? (holds up a finger)

LASSITER:
Hurry up.

SHAWN:
(walks over) What are you doing down here?

HENRY:
Look, I don't know what you and Gus have gotten yourselves into, but I came down here to warn you.

SHAWN:
Warn me of what?

HENRY:
This guy doing the negotiating, he's done negotiating.

They look over at LUNTZ who is signing a form on a clipboard.

SHAWN:
Meaning?

HENRY:
He's getting ready to take this guy out.

SHAWN:
Yeah, Dad, I know. He already took a shot.

HENRY:
Yes, but Shawn, he's getting ready to go in with tear gas. I've seen it before. It's not pretty.

SHAWN:
(sighs) How much time do I have?

HENRY:
I don't know. Hour, tops.

SHAWN:
(sighs) All right. Thanks, Dad.

SHAWN starts to go but HENRY grabs his arm.

HENRY:
Shawn, you be careful.

SHAWN:
All right.

The crowd whoops as DHAWN jogs past the barricade. He stops when he sees a pretty woman and goes back to shake her hand.

SHAWN:
Hi. Shawn Spencer. Thanks for coming out. It means a lot.

HENRY:
Shawn!

SHAWN continues on his way and meets LASSITER at the police van.

SHAWN:
Look, Lassie, I am telling you that Stubbins is not behind this and I know at the very least that Gresling, the bank manager, is involved.

LASSITER:
It's a moot point. He's going to do what he's going to do. There are hostages in there.

SHAWN:
I know that, my best friend is one of them. If we can get out of here and find this guy's wife, we can show that the kidnapping thing holds water.

LASSITER:
Look, I am breaking about 50 codes of police procedure just by talking to you about this.

SHAWN:
Ugh, the codes! That is your biggest problem.

LASSITER:
Oh, it's my problem?

SHAWN:
Yeah, just once, can you grab life by the little Lassiters and follow your instincts? I know you don't like my methods, I know you don't like me. But we are pressed for time and I am telling you, I am vibing like crazy. Can we screw protocol and get the hell outta here?

LASSITER closes the back door of the van and SHAWN rolls his eyes.

LASSITER:
You take shotgun. (walks to driver’s side)

SHAWN:
You are so sexy right now.

SHAWN goes around to the passenger side and uses hand signals to let JULIET know. He starts bouncing on his feet and waving his arm to get her to join them. She walks past LUNTZ.

LUNTZ:
Where are you going?

JULIET:
I'm sorry, but you're not the only one here who has a job to do. (walks away)

LUNTZ:
Well, wait. Are we still on for tonight?

INT, POLICE VAN, DAY

LASSITER is driving, SHAWN is shotgun and JULIET is in the back.

LASSITER:
All right, where am I driving?

SHAWN:
Just head down to State Street. Then you're going to be making a left on Laporte. (remembers address) Yes, left. I'm being drawn there by the wife now. (lowers hand) All right, Jules. Give me one good reason why you find this guy attractive.

JULIET:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
You can't give me one?

JULIET:
I can think of many.

SHAWN:
Is one of them that you're looking forward to giving him sponge baths in the near future?

JULIET:
I happen to find his age and his maturity appealing. He's distinguished and virile. And most importantly, he knows who he is. And that is attractive.

LASSITER:
You two know I'm in the van, right?

SHAWN:
(looks out window) Here! Stop here!

LASSITER stops the van in front of a non-descript brown house.

SHAWN:
This is it. She's being held right in there.

LASSITER:
(checks weapon) All right, Spencer. You stay put. I will not be responsible for you. O'Hara, we go on three. You ready? One, two…

SHAWN:
Can I say it? Let me say it.

JULIET and LASSITER exit the van.

EXT. HOUSE, DAY

JULIET and LASSITER approach stealthily, guns drawn. SHAWN watches from the van. LASSITER goes first into the open car port. He takes one side of the house and JULIET goes down the other. SHAWN is waiting for her.

SHAWN:
Hey.

JULIET:
(whispers) Shawn, get back in the car, this could be dangerous.

SHAWN:
I will, but I have to tell you something.

JULIET:
Shawn, get back in the car!

SHAWN:
Go out with Luntz.

JULIET:
What?

SHAWN:
I want you to go out with Luntz.

SHAWN presses himself against the wall as he and JULIET make their way along the side of the house.

JULIET:
Shawn! What are you trying to pull?

SHAWN:
I'm not trying to pull anything. I just want you to be happy. So, if you think this guy can make you happy or even if you're not sure and there's just a tiny part of you that thinks that there might be a chance for that, I think you owe it to yourself to go for it.

JULIET peers around the corner and sees LASSITER on the other side who holds up his palm. She leans back against the wall next to SHAWN.

JULIET:
Thank you, Shawn.

SHAWN:
You're welcome. When are you supposed to go out next?

JULIET:
Uh, tonight actually…

SHAWN:
Wow! That's so fast. Where's he going to take you?

JULIET:
Mario's.

SHAWN:
Mario's? That place is a little stuffy, don't you think?

JULIET looks around the corner as LASSITER counts down with his fingers.

JULIET:
I like their bread.

JULIET and LASSITER take up position by the back door. LASSITER tries the doorknob. When it doesn’t open, he kicks the door down.

INT. HOUSE, DAY

LASSITER and JULIET check the rooms by the door.

LASSITER:
Clear.

JULIET:
Clear.

They go to enter the room where JOANNA is tied up but SHAWN is already there.

LASSITER:
Split! Spencer, what the hell are you doing? I told you to stay in the car.

SHAWN looks out the back window and sees footprints in the grass, a swing still moving and a gate in the back fence.

SHAWN:
If I'd stayed in the car, I wouldn't be able to tell you that someone just took off running that way through the yard!

LASSITER:
(checks) They're gone. I'll call in a perimeter request. Get K-9 down here.

JULIET and SHAWN help JOANNA.

JULIET:
You want to help me with this gag?

SHAWN:
Yeah.

SHAWN kneels and undoes the gag while JULIET unties her hands.

SHAWN:
Hello, Joanna. I have a message from your husband.

EXT. BANK, DAY

LUNTZ is on his radio.

LUNTZ:
I'm going to try to make contact one more time and then that's it. Prepare to go in with the gas.

He then picks up his phone.

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

Someone throws a shoe over at GUS, startling him. The phone starts ringing. PHIL keeps checking his watch, impatient. He then goes over to GRESLING.

PHIL:
You, come on.

GRESLING:
What do you want?

PHIL:
(pulls GRESLING up by the collar) Come on, right now.

GRESLING:
Why? What do you want?

PHIL:
Right now.

GRESLING:
Oh!

PHIL:
(to the hostages) Don't move! Don't talk! Look at the floor! Look at the floor!

PHIL pushes GRESLING down the hall.

PHIL:
Come on. Right now.

GRESLING:
What?

PHIL:
Right now. In here, in here. Get in there. (shoves him into the office)

INT. BANK, MANAGER’S OFFICE, DAY

GRESLING:
What?

PHIL closes the door and pushes GRESLING against the wall and aims the gun at him.

PHIL:
You have my wife.

GRESLING:
What are you talking about?

PHIL:
You know where she is. Tell me where she is. Tell me where she is.

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

The hostages can hear them arguing.

INT. BANK, MANAGER’S OFFICE, DAY

GRESLING:
I don’t know what you’re talking about!

PHIL:
You know where she is. Tell me where she is.

GRESLING:
I swear. You're crazy.

PHIL:
Where's my wife?!

GRESLING:
I don't know!

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

While PHIL and GRESLING continue to argue, GUS crawls on all fours.

INT. BANK, MANAGER’S OFFICE, DAY

PHIL:
I’m gonna shoot you right now! Where’s my wife?

INT. HOUSE, DAY

JOANNA remains sitting on the chair as LASSITER kneels beside her. SHAWN and JULIET stand to the side.

LASSITER:
All right, Mrs. Stubbins, what can you tell us about the man that kidnapped you?

JOANNA:
Well, there were actually two men.

SHAWN:
Two? Are you sure?

INT. BANK, MANAGER’S OFFICE, DAY

PHIL:
Where's my wife?

An unknown person knocks PHIL out from behind.

INT. BANK, HALL, DAY

GUS creeps along the hall and listens at the office door.

INT. HOUSE, DAY

JOANNA:
I was blindfolded, but through a crack in the bottom, I was able to make out two pairs of feet. I didn't see much, but I know one of them was wearing a pair of brown wing-tip shoes.

SHAWN goes through his memory of all the shoes of the hostages at the bank.

SHAWN:
I got it. The other one's in the bank. I gotta call Phil and warn him.

INT. BANK, HALL, DAY

GUS hears the phone ring. He opens the door to the office and puts his hands up when a gun is aimed at him.

EXT. BANK, DAY

LUNTZ: (into radio)
That's it, men, it's go time. Hit 'em with the tear gas, and go in on my call.

The SWAT members shout orders to each other as they take position and aim their weapons at the bank.

INT. BANK, OFFICE, DAY

The man who ratted GUS out about his phone has his gun aimed at GUS, PHIL and GRESLING. They are bound and have duct tape over their mouths.

INT, POLICE VAN, DAY

LASSITER is driving, SHAWN is shotgun and JULIET is in the back.

JULIET:
Morgan Phelps is the second man inside the bank. Canine caught the guy running away from the house who gave him up. But I don't get the bank manager. Gresling knew the bank was going to be robbed?

SHAWN:
He planned the whole thing from the beginning. He knew that his VIP client had dropped off the diamonds. He figured this was his chance to score big, so he contacted Morgan Phelps.

JULIET:
Who has a rap sheet as long as my arm.

LASSITER:
So why didn't Phelps just steal the diamonds himself?

SHAWN:
They didn't need a professional bank robber because Gresling would basically just be handing the diamonds over. And Phil was a perfect mark. They could put him in the bank on the day the diamonds were delivered. That, plus the back taxes and the recent foreclosure made him seem like a really desperate guy who need cash in a big way.

LASSITER:
So Phelps plants himself at the bank to make sure everything goes smoothly and then finds himself caught as a hostage when the whole deal goes sour.

JULIET:
I'll keep trying Luntz, but I'm pretty sure he's blocked all calls not coming from inside the bank. We need to get back there before he goes in.

EXT. BANK, DAY

The van arrives at the bank. SHAWN and LASSITER go over to LUNZ while JULIET goes to VICK.

SHAWN:
Luntz! Have your guys grab Gresling, the bank manager. Take him into custody. He's in on it. We're looking for Phelps.

GUS joins them.

LUNTZ:
Who?

SHAWN:
Phelps. Have you accounted for all the hostages?

LUNTZ:
We're counting bodies now. It's a mess out here.

SHAWN:
All right.

SHAWN runs into the bank followed by LASSITER, LUNTZ and GUS.

INT. BANK, LOBBY, DAY

SHAWN looks at the remaining shoes.

SHAWN:
There's no wing-tips. Phelps is gone. He must've taken off somewhere. When did you last see him?

GUS:
We were being held in a back room.

INT. BANK, OFFICE, DAY

They enter the room and SHAWN’S gaze goes straight to the air shaft. He then sees a screw on the floor. He puts a hand to his head.

SHAWN:
I know where Phelps is.

LASSITER:
Where?

SHAWN:
He's in the sewer. He's in the sewer system.

LUNTZ:
(checking closet) That's ridiculous.

SHAWN:
Is it, Luntz?

LASSITER:
All right, I do know this much. If someone were to access the sewer system out back it would dump them almost anywhere in the city.

SHAWN:
Luntz, I'm a psychic, you're just going to have to trust me. Plus, listen to my voice. It's even. It's steady. No vibrato.

LUNTZ runs from the room. SHAWN hurries to the vent and pulls the cover off.

SHAWN:
Gus, quick! Help me boost Lassie up to the ceiling. Phelps is inside one of these ducts.

LASSITER:
What? Whatever happened to the whole psychic sewer vision thing?

SHAWN:
Lassie, do we really have time to answer these questions? Now, come on. Just give me one of those size 12 narrows.

LASSITER puts one foot in SHAWN’S cupped hands as he reaches for the opening.

GUS:
Give me the other.

SHAWN and GUS lift LASSITER up and he pulls himself in with a grunt.

INT. BANK, AIR DUCTS, DAY

LASSITER crawls through the duct on his stomach, gun in hand. PHELPS has paused, listening. He hears LASSITER grunt and starts moving. LASSITER comes to an intersection and sees PHELPS.

LASSITER:
Freeze!

He grabs PHELPS’ legs.

LASSITER:
Come here. Hold still. I got him!

INT. BANK, OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN:
Good work, partner! We'll grab backup.

EXT. BANK, DAY

SHAWN and GUS exit the bank.

GUS:
Partner? Uh, excuse me? What was that about?

SHAWN:
Well, you got to admit, it's better than a little boy cat or a little girl cat.

GUS:
Not appreciated, Shawn.

SHAWN:
But, look at you, man, surviving a bank hostage crisis and still looking all “Poitier on a hot day”.

GUS:
What? (touches the side of his nose with his thumb)

SHAWN:
Go ahead, slap me in the face. Tell me they call you “Mr. Tibbs”.

GUS:
I'm not doing that.

SHAWN:
Come on, it'll make you feel better.

GUS:
They call me Mr… I'm not doing that.

SHAWN:
(laughs) Look at you. You were one word away! Come on. What do they call you?

GUS:
Will you get in the car?

SHAWN:
(gets in car) They call you, what? They call you Mr… (laughs)

INT. PSYCH, NIGHT

SHAWN is trying to unstick a sliding door when there’s a knocking. He turns around to see JULIET dressed for a date.

SHAWN:
Jules!

JULIET:
Hi.

SHAWN:
What are you…

JULIET:
(holds out a pair of shoes) Uh, Evidence turned these over to me. I think they're Gus' shoes. So, I just… I thought I'd bring them by and drop them off. (sets them on a desk)

SHAWN:
That is very sweet of you. You can burn them.

JULIET:
What?

SHAWN:
He was devastated the whole way home. He cried about them already, on my shoulder, like a baby. I just put him down. He's resting now. So what is this? What am I seeing here? (motions up and down with his hand) This is the, uh, "returning footwear to a friend" outfit?

JULIET:
Oh, Cameron had to cancel tonight.

SHAWN:
No.

JULIET:
Yeah.

SHAWN:
No!

JULIET:
Yeah, he said he took, like, four showers, but he still couldn't get that sewer smell out of his skin.

SHAWN:
Aw, jeez! That damn sewer! We wrapped everything up so nicely so that you guys could... But you know what? The man followed a hunch. And that's all you can ask from a guy. Hey, follow your hunches. And he did. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you kids. But you gave it a real shot, a fair shot.

JULIET:
Shawn, I'm seeing him tomorrow night.

SHAWN:
Really? Wow, that's so fast on the rescheduling. It's… No conflicts either way? Huh?

JULIET:
Yeah, we'll see. Well, I should go. (starts for door)

SHAWN:
Hey, uh, have you eaten?

JULIET:
(walks back) No.

SHAWN:
Well, I can't offer anything as fancy as Mario's. But.. What you think of a Ball Park and a stroll on the boardwalk? It is golden time. I’ve been told, I, uh, look pretty good in that lighting.

JULIET:
Really?

SHAWN:
It’s true.

JULIET:
Is that right?

SHAWN presses a button on a remote on the table next to him. With a soft whir, a small device carries two hot dogs down on a zipline. JULIET chuckles.

SHAWN:
(picks up hot dog) They plump when you cook them.

JULIET:
(picks up the other) They plump?

SHAWN:
(hits button a carrier goes back) Literally.

SHAWN and JULIET walk to the door.

SHAWN:
As the temperature rises, the wiener absorbs all additional moisture. Causing it to double. Sometimes even triple in diameter.

JULIET:
Triple? Wow.

They exit together.

Transcript: Psych 3x07 Talk Derby to Me

jpgr — Sun, 11 Jun 2023 22:14:00 GMT

1987

INT. SPENCER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

HENRY, in uniform, is standing in the living room.

HENRY:
Shawn? Shawn! Get in here a second.

GUS walks into the room.

HENRY:
Gus, what are you doing here?

GUS:
I'm representing Shawn in this situation.

HENRY:
Shawn, get in here!

SHAWN walks into the room.

HENRY:
Take a look around.

SHAWN:
Well, what am I looking at?

HENRY:
Something's missing. I took something of yours, you need to figure out what it is.

SHAWN:
Dad, you robbed me?

HENRY:
No, robbery's the taking of property by force or fear. I'm not afraid of anyone in this room.

GUS:
So you're a burglar, then?

HENRY:
No, Gus. Burglary involves breaking in. This is theft, pure and simple. You need to figure out what it is or you're not getting it back. Concentrate.

SHAWN looks around and spots three BB pellets on the floor and walks over. He pulls aside the curtain expecting to see something there.

SHAWN:
You thief! You stole my BB gun!

HENRY:
Technically, yes, theft makes me a thief. You're learning.

SHAWN:
So, can I have it back now?

HENRY:
No. I told you not to play with it in the yard. (sits) It's too dangerous.

SHAWN:
But you said if I figured out what was missing, I--

HENRY:
Shawn, thieves always lie. Remember that.

SHAWN:
How'd you even know I was playing with it in the backyard?

HENRY doesn’t say anything. SHAWN looks over at GUS.

PRESENT DAY

INT. ZILK’S STORE, NIGHT

A security GUARD is patrolling the store. A figure rises up behind him and knocks him out. A group of four figures then begin stealing everything they can grab quickly as the alarm goes off. One looks at their watch as it counts down. The figure then motions to the others and they leave.

INT. ZILK’S STORE, DAY

The police have arrived and have marked the evidence. LASSITER and JULIET are there questioning the GUARD. VICK is conversing with an officer.

JULIET:
Mr. Coburn, we are interested in anything you can tell us.

COBURN:
They were big and scary, these guys.

JULIET:
Didn't you say you didn't see them?

COBURN:
That's... right.

LASSITER:
Of course, they were big and scary. Look at this place. The man's lucky to be alive.

JULIET:
Carlton, I've got this. What time did you begin your shift?

LASSITER looks up at a group of mannequins. He looks away.

COBURN:
8:00.

JULIET:
Are you the only watchman?

COBURN:
Yeah.

LASSITER looks again and one mannequin has changed position.

JULIET:
Would you mind showing me where you were standing at the time of the attack?

COBURN:
Yeah.

COBURN stands and walks JULIET over to where he was hurt.

COBURN:
I was walking through here…

LASSITER sees the mannequin has moved again. He walks over to the display.

LASSITER:
Spencer, what the hell are you doing up there?

SHAWN:
Right now, I'm putting my hand in my pocket, sans thumb, pointing at an imaginary seagull. (drops pose) But earlier I got a call from the Chief. She sounded serious. Third break-in of its kind in as many months. No leads.

LASSITER:
Chief told you that?

SHAWN:
No, she did. (turns to armless mannequin and pats its butt) She looks like the Venus de Milo, but she prefers to be called Traci with an "i." She saw everything. Said I should check the videos in the surveillance room.

LASSITER:
The mannequin told you that?

SHAWN:
No, the Chief did. Come on, Lassie, keep up with me here.

SHAWN tosses LASSITER his glasses and jumps off the display. We see GUS sitting on the display reading.

SHAWN:
Gus! I need you paying attention, do you think you can make that happen?

GUS:
I only opened my book for a second, Shawn. You know I have to study for my exam.

SHAWN:
Right. The RX... something.

GUS:
RX Rep, RX. Pharmaceutical rep re-certification exam. (jumps off display and drops book)

SHAWN:
That is the second worst name for a test ever. Right after the Proctological Practicum.

GUS:
(picks up book) Well, my job depends on it. And you said you were gonna help me.

SHAWN:
I'm not sure how I can. You keep such sloppy notes. What is this green slime on your book? (points to back cover) Did you come from The Kids' Choice Awards?

GUS:
This place is filthy.

SHAWN:
Maybe it's a clue.

GUS:
Maybe it's urine.

SHAWN:
Smell it.

GUS:
I'm not gonna smell it. Are you gonna help me or not?

INT. ZILK’S STORE, SURVELLIENCE ROOM, DAY

COBURN is seated at the desk with VICK, JULIET, LASSITER, SHAWN and GUS crammed in the small room behind him. GUS is studying.

COBURN:
We've never had more than two people in this room.

SHAWN:
It's cozy, which means I'll need everyone's hands where I can see them. That means yours, too, Chief.

COBURN:
Who's this?

VICK:
That's our psychic, Shawn Spencer.

SHAWN:
Psychic, and treasurer of the American Wicker Council. I'm up for re-election. I'm running on a rattan platform.

COBURN:
(shakes SHAWN’S hand) Stuart.

SHAWN:
This is my favorite booster, Detective Carlton Lass...

LASSITER:
Would you just play the tape?

COBURN starts the tape and they all lean forward. LASSITER recognizes some of the moves.

LASSITER:
That's a lariat move. These guys are ex-military. No question.

JULIET:
And that one there is calling the shots, so there appears to be a pattern here.

VICK:
Well, detectives, when you know something, you could find me in my office. Excuse me. (pushes her way to the door)

LASSITER:
Ow!

SHAWN:
Hey, Chief!

They go back to watching the video. SHAWN sees something – a button, pin?

LASSITER:
All right, we definitely need to check out all the local paramilitary groups, the security contractors, ROTC.

SHAWN:
Santa Barbara Ladies Auxiliary.

LASSITER:
Huh?

SHAWN:
Oh, they're women. (leaves)

INT. ZILK’S STORE, DAY

GUS continues to study as SHAWN tries on clothes.

GUS:
It can't be women. This kind of thing took some kind of muscle.

SHAWN:
It's a little shocking, isn't it? (checks himself in mirror) Not as shocking as this. These are 31s and they're really pulling through here. Make yourself useful. Get me the 32s.

GUS:
I don't have time for this. Either you have something or you don't.

SHAWN sees more green slime in streaks on the floor.

SHAWN:
Got it! Let's go see the Chief. (starts walking away)

GUS:
You got it?

SHAWN:
Let's just say I've got suspects.

GUS:
Good. Let's go and give them their names. I got studying to do. How many suspects are we talking?

SHAWN:
Eh, give or take--

They walk through the security gate and SHAWN’S clothes set off the alarm.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

VICK is sitting behind her desk. LASSITER and JULIET are sitting in front of it as SHAWN paces.

VICK:
80 suspects? Really, Mr. Spencer. It wouldn't be possible perhaps to narrow it down just a bit, would it?

SHAWN:
Not without help. It's a tight group, Chief. It's a clique. It's a sisterhood of the Ya-Ya variety. And it's gonna take a lot more than a smile and a pack of Pall Malls to get 'em to talk.

LASSITER:
Not a problem. Tough-to-crack suspects are right in my wheelhouse.

SHAWN:
Negative, we cannot go about this using a typical Lassitarian technique. We need someone on the inside.

VICK:
Are you saying you want to go undercover?

SHAWN:
Undercover? Yes. Me? No. Unfortunately, I'm not qualified for this sort of thing.

LASSITER:
Don't worry about it, Spencer. I've been itching to do some undercover work. And I've got a new moustache guy.

SHAWN:
(snaps fingers) I like where your head's at, because this is going to take a very specific skill set. (massages LASSITER’S shoulders) There is only one person in this room that can pull it off. (kneels with arm around LASSITER’S shoulder) I've just got one question. (to JULIET) Can you skate?

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, DAY

There is a match going on.

ANNOUNCER:
And it's looking like we're in for an excruciating jam as Maniac cuts through the pack like a machete. That defense had better get on the defensive or else!

We see JULIET is on the orange team. As a member of the pink team comes up alongside, JULIET jabs her in the face with her elbow and she goes down.

ANNOUNCER:
Ooh, look out below!

**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“Talk Derby to Me”
By
Tim Meltreger

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Steve Miner

**********************************************************************

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, DAY

JULIET knocks down another player.

ANNOUNCER:
Berman Auditorium is about to become the garden of beatin'! And it's Miss Anthropy around the outside.

PLAYER:
Let me through!

HENRY, SHAWN and GUS are sitting track-side. HENRY is really getting into it and GUS is studying.

HENRY:
Don't let her through! Don't let her through! Pick her up! Pick her up! Somebody pick her up!

SHAWN:
I couldn't have called a better assignment.

HENRY:
Yeah, right. You're a rocket scientist. I thought the police had a suspect from the roller derby, like a month ago. Seven, seven…

SHAWN:
Seven Deadly Cinderella. Yeah, but it didn't go anywhere.

HENRY:
What did you find that got Chief Vick back onto this roller derby angle?

SHAWN:
Oh, just everything. The damage, the hand signals. The scuff marks on the floor were caused by 62-millimeter core composite competition skate wheels.

HENRY looks at him.

SHAWN:
Vick wouldn't buy it until I threw in some roller babble. But think about it, who better for a smash and grab job than an organized team?

HENRY:
You think they were all on wheels?

SHAWN:
At least one of them was.

HENRY:
What makes you so sure it was one of these teams?

SHAWN:
Gus, you want to take this one?

GUS:
(looks up) What?

SHAWN:
Check the schedule. These were the only two teams who were off on all the nights the break-ins occurred. We call that detective work. It's a rare and beautiful thing. Like clubbed thumbs.

GUS:
I don't know how we're gonna solve this case. These women scare me.

HENRY:
Are you kidding? It's a cake assignment. I used to do some security work for the roller derby back in the day. Now, those broads, they knew how to get the job done. This is-- I don't know. This is like a fashion show. These broads, they can’t, they’re not…they don't hit…

SHAWN:
And that's why we brought you down here, Pop, to hear you say "broads" repeatedly. But why don't you explain to us how all this works.

HENRY:
All right, do you see the one with the star on her helmet? She's the lead jammer. She scores points when she passes the opposing skaters.

We see the action as HENRY points it out.

HENRY:
All right, look at her. Right there. The one they call Fox? You see, she's reaching down. She's up to something. You see that piece of tape?

FOX puts a piece of tape of the back of the opposing #13.

HENRY:
Number 13, she's been marked. She's gonna get hit. She's gonna be taken down. Watch this. Watch it. Here it comes.

Pink 13 is slammed by a member of the orange team and falls to her stomach outside the circle of the track.

ANNOUNCER:
Oh, and there's another one for the suicide seats!

HENRY whoops and the team members high five.

ANNOUNCER:
It's happy times for Westwood, Wilde, and Captain Denise "Kamikaze" Fox.

SHAWN:
This is our only chance to snoop around, Gus. Let's go. (stands) Dad, you all right?

HENRY:
Hit her! No, hit her now! She's down!

SHAWN:
He's fine.

HENRY:
Would you-- hit!

SHAWN and GUS walk along the side of the track.

GUS:
What are we doing, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Well, for starters, we're both growing moustaches very, very slowly. (steps over player lying on the floor) But we're also investigating.

GUS:
This is Juliet's investigation. We're gonna blow her cover. We need to stay out of her way.

SHAWN:
You're exactly right, Gus.

They step over another player.

SHAWN:
Or we do the exact opposite. I vote for number two.

INT. ARENA, HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS stop in the hall outside the locker room.

SHAWN:
Be my lookout.

GUS:
No, there's only a few minutes left, Shawn, and you want to go inside...

SHAWN enters the locker room. GUS leans on the wall and studies.

INT. ARENA, LOCKER ROOM, DAY

After making sure he’s alone, SHAWN begins to check individual lockers. He finds the same watch he saw on surveillance. In the next, he finds tickets for a Caribbean cruise. He hears the door and hides. He sees one of the orange team skate over to the locker with the ticket. The woman leaves and SHAWN goes back to searching the lockers.

INT. ARENA, HALL, DAY

GUS is still studying when SHAWN walks out.

SHAWN:
Worst lookout ever. You didn't see the girl walk in?

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, DAY

JULIET is conversing with her teammates. She is going by the name “Maniac”.

PLAYER 1:
And I round this corner, and there's Maniac. And I'm, like, "Where'd she go?" And she's, like, "Where'd who go?" She moves pretty good for fresh meat.

PLAYER 2:
That's totally a compliment. Where'd you learn to skate like that?

JULIET:
Oh, you know. College roller-skate team. And Xanadu.

They all laugh.

PLAYER 2:
That's funny. I get it.

Players 1 and 2 leave. After sharing a nervous laugh with FOX, JULIET follows them. Across the floor, SHAWN watches them.

GUS:
Dude, you are leering.

SHAWN:
And if by leering, you mean staring oddly in a creepy way, yes, but it's for an investigation, Gus. They're all scraped up from burglarizing. Burglarization? Burglarism.

GUS:
Of course, they're scraped up. It's a full-contact sport.

SHAWN:
Uh-huh? And since when do we get injuries underneath our elbow pads? And that's a glass cut on the other one. Check it out.

GUS looks at the sign girl.

SHAWN:
That's leering.

JULIET sees them and skates over.

JULIET:
(whispers) Shawn, what are you guys doing here?

SHAWN:
I'm moving on this case. I'm pretty sure I found the extra- sensory vortex in this building.

JULIET:
Where?

SHAWN:
Women's locker room, which as it happens, is a place I've always wanted to hang out, so it's totally a win-win.

JULIET:
Shawn, I get this is how you work, but this is not how we are going to be doing things. I am lead detective, and this is first and foremost a police investigation. So, if we are going to be partners, we are going to be doing things my way.

SHAWN:
All kidding aside, I got some serious vibes in there. And possibly athlete's foot.

JULIET:
Great, I'll check it out and come by your office later, but right now, I need you guys to get out of here!

FOX and PLAYER 2 skate over.

FOX:
Is this guy bothering you, Maniac?

JULIET:
Wilde, Fox, this is…

FOX:
I know who this guy is. We see gawkers like him all the time around here. Real easy to spot. There's always one thing off about them. Clothes, hair, teeth.

SHAWN:
You just named my three best features. Fourth on the list, posture. Fifth, elocution. (holds out hand) Maniacmaniac19, president pro-tem, Maniac Fan Club. This is my vice president, Longbranch Pennywhistle. I'm just looking to score a little face-time with the Maniac, you know, for the blog.

GUS:
689 hits and climbing.

JULIET:
Nothing I can't handle. I was just about to give 'em an interview. It was only gonna be two words. (holds up two fingers resembling an obscene gesture)

SHAWN:
Oh! (makes a cross with his fingers)

FOX:
Okay, come on.

FOX and WILDE leave.

SHAWN:
I'll see you tonight. Bring the outfit. One of us might wear it.

JULIET:
Get lost!

SHAWN watches her skate away.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

As VICK walks by, she sees JULIET at her desk, still in her derby uniform.

VICK:
O’Hara. Might I have a word? In my office.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

VICK goes behind her desk and starts going through a file. JULIET rolls in on her skates.

JULIET:
Oh, sorry, Chief. I have to break these things in, and you know how my family is cursed with bad arches, right?

VICK:
Please take them off.

JULIET:
I was just gonna suggest that. (sits down)

VICK:
Later.

JULIET looks at her surprised.

VICK:
Did you break somebody's nose?

JULIET:
(giggles) Yes, I did. Thank you.

VICK looks up from the file.

JULIET:
Oh, but it was a clean hit. It was actually more of a dislocation. You know, it just popped right back in. Yeah. She curled into my wingspan, so I was totally justified. We're friends now. She has a cat.

VICK:
(walks over to her) I'm concerned for your safety and that this might be a mistake.

JULIET:
No, no, no. It is not a mistake. It's actually a very smart call. I have found a scad of priors on my suspects. Aggravated assault, battery. Oh! And reckless endangerment.

VICK:
So, you're saying putting you in danger is a bonus?

JULIET:
I'm telling you I can handle myself.

VICK:
(sits across from her) I didn't want to do this in the first place. And I'll be candid, O'Hara. You tend to dive in a little too deeply when you go undercover.

JULIET:
Look, Chief, first off, roller derby is better than therapy. If I were into that sort of thing. And secondly, these girls, they're not making any money. Most of them are paying out of pocket and they are all the right element for this kind of behavior.

VICK:
Hunches and profiles are not gonna keep this thing going. I need concrete proof. Soon. I want every single one of those suspects from that security video. (stands and walks back to desk)

JULIET:
Done. (stands and starts for door)

VICK:
Oh, um. this a typo, right? $800 for skates?

JULIET:
(stops) Would it help if I told you the other pairs weren't cute at all?

VICK:
Get me results. Hurry.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

JULIET is at her desk untying her skates when her phone rings.

JULIET:
Yeah, this is Maniac. Oh, yeah! Tonight? Yeah, I can keep it quiet. Okay. I'll be there.

INT. PSYCH, NIGHT

JULIET enters dressed for undercover.

JULIET:
(sighs) I'm sorry I'm late.

SHAWN has the table prepared for a candlelit dinner.

JULIET:
(whispers) Oh, my God. Is there somebody here? Are you on a date?

SHAWN:
(laughs nervously) No, no, no, no, no, no. I just, uh…I didn't know if you'd be hungry, so I just…I threw something together quickly.

JULIET:
Uh, we gotta get right to this. I was just at the station and I really think I am on to something.

SHAWN:
That's great. We have all night to talk about it. (holds up wine) Gewurztraminer?

JULIET:
Yes. No, no, no, no. I can't stay. I got a call from one of the girls. Are those crab cakes?

SHAWN:
Yes, they are. With dill and coriander. (picks one up with tongs) Which girl are we talking about?

JULIET:
They call her Toxic Waste, but her name is Shelly. Said she was talking to some of the other girls and that they were very impressed by me and I am perfect for something they have going on downtown tonight. A “money-making opportunity”.

SHAWN remembers the cruise ticket he found in SHELLY’S locker.

SHAWN:
(places crab cake on plates) Jules, don't go.

JULIET:
Shawn, I ran some of their names. They have records.

SHAWN:
I've already eliminated Toxic Waste. She wasn't at the break-in. (sits at table)

JULIET:
I don't think you understand. I am undercover right now, and things can get real sticky, real fast.

SHAWN:
Sticky how?

JULIET:
Shawn?

SHAWN:
Jules, listen. This thing that's happening tonight, it's not what you think it is. Now, sit down. Have some endives.

JULIET:
Shawn, are we working together or not?

SHAWN:
Yes, technically, we're working together on this case. But you know what, Jules? I'm not feeling particularly together right now.

JULIET:
Then support me. Because I really think I am on to something. Now, I gotta go, and you're either in or you're out.

After staring at SHAWN for a moment, JULIET grabs a crab cake and leaves. SHAWN stands and blows out the candles.

EXT. WAREHOUSE, NIGHT

JULIET is directing some officers. LASSITER is in conversation with other officers. SHAWN is leaning on a car.

JULIET:
North exit, south exit. Nobody gets out.

OFFICER:
Yes, ma’am.

OFFICER 2:
Mmm-hmm.

The two officers go to do as JULIET ordered. SHAWN comes over to her.

SHAWN:
Jules. You do realize we're outside of a warehouse?

JULIET:
That's not the point, Shawn. Even if it's not a burglary, it's very likely some kind of peripheral criminal activity.

SHAWN:
This place isn't like any of the others.

JULIET:
Look, I am really sorry I have to do this to you, but... Carlton?

LASSITER:
I’ll be right back. (leaves officers)

SHAWN:
Jules!

LASSITER:
Spencer, you're in the way. Go.

SHAWN goes to stand by the car as JULIET heads for the doors.

LASSITER:
All right. We're gonna let her get in here and on her signal, we're gonna light this candle.

LASSITER and the officers aim their guns at the door. JULIET looks back at them and nods before sliding the door open. We see reflected colored lights and hear dance music.

DIRECTOR: (v.o.)
Cut! Brilliant! Beautiful!

JULIET:
(whispers) Stand down.

DIRECTOR: (v.o.)
Do it again! Reset the playback, please.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

VICK strides into her office and behind her desk to confront SHAWN, LASSITER and JULIET.

VICK:
A music video shoot? I sent nearly a dozen uniformed officers and six black-and-whites, and none of your suspects were even there. Now, I'm gonna need a pretty damn compelling reason not to pull the plug on this one, O’Hara, because right now, we've got nothing.

SHAWN:
(raises hand) It was me. I felt a vibe. I got a message.

VICK:
You did?

SHAWN:
Yes. Turns out it was a major metaphysical snafu. O'Hara said it was a non-start, I threw a tantrum. I was crying, kicking, and stamping my little feet. I mean, they're not abnormally small.

VICK:
O’Hara?

LASSITER:
Look, Chief, I can get results. Let me in on this.

SHAWN:
Sure, Chief. Lassie seems like a smart choice. We know he's a demon on wheels, and he's so very good with women.

VICK:
Under the circumstances, I might consider you, Carlton, but you're never more obvious than when you're undercover. Perhaps you've forgotten the prosthetic nose debacle of 2005?

SHAWN chuckles but stops when he sees a list of the stolen property on VICK’S desk.

JULIET:
Chief, we are definitely onto something. Last night's robbery fits the pattern we've seen between criminal activity and specific teams. We've narrowed it down to a few suspects.

SHAWN:
Three suspects. Teammates, friends, pen pals. Solid suspects. Maybe four. Possibly five. Ah, six could...

VICK:
Now, Mr. Spencer. The idea is to have fewer suspects. You don't get paid by the suspect.

SHAWN:
I see us closing this by tomorrow.

VICK:
Tomorrow then.

JULIET:
Absolutely.

VICK:
Fine, but I'm gonna need results without another incident, metaphysical or otherwise. You're all dismissed.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

SHAWN, JULIET and LASSITER leave VICK’S office. LASSITER goes in the opposite direction.

SHAWN:
Wow. She really unloaded on us.

JULIET:
Thank you for taking the heat on that one, Shawn.

GUS gets up from the bench where he was studying and falls in beside them.

SHAWN:
Jules, that's how it goes when you're partners. If I could count the number of times that Gus has left my cheese in the wind.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Nothing. Study on, buddy. Arteriosclerosis, rosacea, croup.

JULIET:
Croup?

SHAWN:
You'll have to owe me one. Or... you can give me one of these bracelets. (reveals friendship bracelet on her wrist) They come in teal?

JULIET:
Can't do.

SHAWN:
Can't do teal?

JULIET:
No. Westwood gave it to me. It’s a roller derby thing. Think of something else.

SHAWN:
Fine. You can dial back the Maniac routine. Stop pulling rank on me.

JULIET:
Okay.

SHAWN:
Ordering me around.

JULIET:
Fine.

SHAWN:
And smoothies are on you until we nab someone.

JULIET:
I want to figure out the next step by seeing how you work. I want to get close to your process, get some hard evidence.

SHAWN opens his mouth to answer, but GUS speaks first.

GUS:
Yeah, Shawn. That's a good idea. Why don't you bring her right in on your process?

SHAWN:
Jules, here's the thing. Close is good. Very close is even better. But not for this. My process is not a tandem bike. It's a unicycle. Now, you belong at practice. I can see Fox. You gotta keep an eye on her.

JULIET:
That's gonna be really difficult. She's always surrounded by Westwood and Wilde.

SHAWN:
Perfect. Keep an eye on them too.

INT. PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN is writing on the Plexi-glass board. He backs away when done.

SHAWN:
There. The lists from Vick's desk. And they make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

GUS is sitting at the table from last night, studying.

GUS:
Why don't you arrange them in alphabetical order?

SHAWN:
That's not the point, Gus. They stole a DVD of Spanglish. Clearly, they weren't after the merchandise.

GUS:
That's not exactly hard evidence, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Thank you, Professor No Help.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
I'm sorry. Did you miss that? Maybe I should've said “MC No Help” or “Doctor Do-Nothing” because you're bringing nothing to the table.

GUS:
I have a test, remember? No pass, no job. No job, no driving you around. Besides, you're doing perfectly fine with your new partner.

SHAWN:
Who? Jules?

GUS:
"Who? Jules?" What? Who do you think?

SHAWN:
Don't be jealous.

GUS:
I'm not jealous.

SHAWN:
Don't be vexed. You're still number one on my MySpace page. Jules and I are just working a case together. Nothing more.

GUS lifts his book and SHAWN sees the green slime is still there. He recalls first seeing it at the crime scene and then remembers a bottle of skate oil in the lockers.

SHAWN:
Wilde was there.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Cynthia "Speed Freak" Wilde was there at Zilk's during the break-in. She uses this green oil to lubricate her skates. Looks like she left some behind. Good clue, buddy.

SHAWN knocks on the table then goes to his desk and picks up his phone.

GUS:
You have Fox with the broken watch and now Wilde. Why don't you call the cops?

SHAWN:
According to the tapes, there were at least three more. If we don't get them, they're gonna doing their thing. That is the oath of thieves, Gus. That is the code of the roller girl.

GUS:
I never thought I would hear you say that.

SHAWN:
Even more than “sinkhole sissy feet flapjack go-go boots”? Juliet isn't answering her phone.

GUS just looks at him and eats some crabcake.

GUS:
Mmmm.

SHAWN:
You know, those crab cakes are, like, three days old or something.

GUS looks up, surprised.

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, NIGHT

The others are giving JULIET pointers and tips.

FOX:
Okay, remember, Maniac, the key is to just get through the pack. Whatever it takes.

JULIET:
Well, we don't want to injure anyone in practice, do we?

WILDE:
Of course not, but if someone's shoulder has to get dislocated, well, make sure it isn't yours. Back to it, boss?

JULIET:
Wait, where is Lethal Weapon?

FOX:
Oh, Westwood? She had to split a second ago. Go visit her mother. Let's go kick some ass.

JULIET:
Cool. I'm just gonna grab something.

FOX:
Okay, see you on the track.

INT. ARENA, LOCKER ROOM, NIGHT

JULIET enters and finds WESTWOOD packing a bag.

JULIET:
Westwood, hey!

WESTWOOD:
Hey.

JULIET:
You leaving?

WESTWOOD:
Yeah.

JULIET:
Everything okay?

WESTWOOD:
I have to go meet my boyfriend. (closes locker) He's kinda got car trouble, so...

JULIET:
Oh!

WESTWOOD:
I have to go.

JULIET:
Oh!

WESTWOOD:
Yeah, well, uh, he's kind of stranded out on the Mesa somewhere.

JULIET:
Okay, all right, well, make sure you bring him to the bout tomorrow.

WESTWOOD:
Yeah, I'll try. Yeah. (leaves)

JULIET:
See ya later.

JULIET looks up at the ceiling and notices a loose tile. She moves a garbage can underneath and climbs up. She moves the tile and finds a couple of hand scanners. She lifts some prints.

INT. ECHO, NIGHT

SHAWN is driving when his phone rings.

SHAWN:
Jules.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. ARENA, LOCKER ROOM, NIGHT

JULIET:
Shawn, I found a couple of hand-held scanning machines here at the hall. You feel anything on scanning machines? (checks WESTWOOD’S locker)

SHAWN:
Scanning machines?

JULIET:
Yeah, for making copies.

SHAWN:
Ah, no, no. Copying devices are notoriously unreliable psychic fetters. Now, if they were three-hole punchers, different story.

JULIET:
Okay, well, I'm gonna look around some more, but I wanted to let you know Westwood left practice early today. She gave me some lie and then she just took off.

SHAWN and GUS pull up to the arena and witness WESTWOOD leaving.

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm getting something now. Street clothes, green tank top, jeans, belt... Terrible, terrible belt.

JULIET:
Do you see her?

SHAWN:
En mi cabesa, Jules. I got a psychic track on her now.

The game bell goes off in the arena.

JULIET:
Okay, I gotta go. Call Lassiter if you find anything out.

SHAWN:
Of course, I'll call Lassiter. (closes phone) I'm not calling Lassiter.

GUS scoffs. They watch WESTWOOD get into her car.

SHAWN:
Follow the bouncing Westwood.

WESTWOOD pulls out and they follow.

EXT. STREET, NIGHT

GUS:
Not too close, she's gonna see us!

INT. ECHO, NIGHT

They continue to follow.

GUS:
(peers into back window) Dude... is that...

SHAWN:
What?

GUS:
I think there's a body in the back of that truck.

SHAWN:
(laughs) Gus, it's not a body.

GUS:
It is! That's a hand.

SHAWN:
Dude, this test has got you all jacked up. You're not thinking straight. You're distracted trying to remember the difference between Lermacil and Hermacil.

GUS:
Lermacil is for fever blisters, Hermacil is for eczema.

SHAWN:
And what about Chermacil?

GUS:
No such thing as Chermacil, Shawn.

SHAWN:
(turns to GUS) Studying? (looks back) Sweet Fantasy Island, that is a body!

GUS:
I told you. Not too close.

SHAWN:
Gus, Westwood is ditching a body. That's the break in the case we need.

GUS:
We need is to call Lassiter like Juliet said. And back off a little, she's gonna see us.

SHAWN:
We're not calling him. You know how this works. I really have to explain it to you every single time?

WESTWOOD turns but SHAWN doesn’t see because he’s looking at GUS.

GUS:
You just lost Westwood.

SHAWN:
Damn it!

Later they track WESTWOOD to the marina and watch as she dumps the contents from the back of her car.

SHAWN:
Bingo.

After she leaves, SHAWN opens his door.

SHAWN:
Let's go.

GUS:
I'm not going out there.

SHAWN:
(closes door) Dude, it's only gonna take a second. You cannot sit here alone in the dark in a parked car. You'll get picked up for Mopery.

GUS:
Mopery?

SHAWN:
With intent to creep. Trust me, it'll kick a big hole in your future.

They exit the car.

EXT. MARINA, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS walk down the dock, eyes searching the water. They sigh and shrug.

SHAWN:
I guess it wasn't a body.

A woman’s body floats to the surface. GUS gags and runs away. SHAWN peers at it. He then looks around, realizing GUS is gone.

SHAWN:
Gus?

EXT. MARINA, DAY

SHAWN and GUS follow LASSITER along the beach to where VICK is waiting under a pier. The “body” they spotted washed up and is a mannequin.

LASSITER:
(chuckles) Well done, Spencer. (crouches) I don't know, Chief. You want me to try and get her statement? Of course, I don't speak mannequin. (grins)

SHAWN and GUS point at him.

VICK:
Cute. You might want to hold off on that because we still have all the merchandise from the Zilk's burglaries. Excellent work, Mr. Spencer.

Officers are carrying merchandise from the water.

SHAWN:
Thanks, Chief. (walks over to LASSITER) It's all right. I accept your apology.

VICK:
So the burglars weren't after the merchandise.

SHAWN:
(picks up mannequin arm) That's right.

VICK:
So what were they after?

SHAWN:
(counts mannequin’s fingers) One, two, three, four, five. Five, four. Four, five.

VICK:
What?

SHAWN:
I'm seeing four and I'm seeing five. Lassie, four and five!

LASSITER:
Nine? The number nine?

SHAWN:
No, four times five.

VICK:
20?

SHAWN:
5 and 20. 5 times 20.

VICK:
100.

SHAWN:
Minus 4 times 4 times 5.

LASSITER:
4 times 4 times 5?

GUS:
80.

VICK:
No, 20. 100 minus 80 is 20. We all have our math facts straight, Mr. Spencer. Is this going somewhere?

SHAWN:
(holds mannequin’s hand to his head) Skater number 20. She's the one who dumped all this stuff.

GUS:
That's Rita "Lethal Weapon" Westwood.

LASSITER:
Great, we got one. We need all of 'em.

SHAWN:
Correct. This is bigger than Westwood. A lot bigger. Juliet's close.

VICK:
Okay. Lassiter, let's get someone on the lookout for any more dumping sites around town.

VICK walks away. SHAWN rubs the mannequin’s hand along LASSITER’S arm. The detective just glares at him before leaving. SHAWN drops the arm and hurries in the opposite direction. GUS falls in step.

SHAWN:
We've got to get to Zilk's, and check something out.

GUS:
If you say "pants," I'm gonna sock you in your Adam's apple.

SHAWN:
Sock you in your crotch, damn it.

WILDE has been watching and is on the phone.

WILDE:
Hey, it's me. Listen, we got a situation.

FOX: (over phone)
What is it?

WILDE:
Westwood screwed up again huge. The cops found everything. If they get to her, she's gonna talk.

FOX: (over phone)
This is bad.

WILDE:
Yeah, and it gets worse. Maniac's fan boy's also here.

FOX: (over phone)
Doing what?

WILDE:
He's working with the cops.

FOX: (over phone)
Are we compromised?

WILDE:
I don't know, but after we handle Westwood, I think we need to have a talk with Maniac.

INT. ZILK’S STORE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are walking through the store.

GUS:
What are we doing here, Shawn? We already know it wasn't the merchandise.

SHAWN:
But it was something else. (stops and looks at something before smiling) Let's go.

They walk over to a mannequin that is wearing GUS’ exact outfit.

SHAWN:
Dude, I can't believe this. You lifted your look right off this mannequin.

GUS:
On the contrary, Shawn. Clearly, someone is stealing my look. (looks at mannequin sideways)

SHAWN:
Right. I did see Tommy Hilfiger creeping from bush to bush, sketching you.

SHAWN sees the green streaks on the floor leading to a door marked Employees Only.

SHAWN:
And we're moving. But your friend can't come.

They walk over to the door.

SHAWN:
The thieves were after something in this room.

GUS:
Dude, we can't go inside there. Read the sign.

SHAWN:
(reads photo next to door) "Laura Noid. Employee of the Month." You know her?

GUS:
Not that one. "Employees only."

SHAWN:
Gotcha. Be my lookout.

They walk closer to the door and SHAWN reaches for the knob with one hand.

GUS:
No problem. I'll just keep it safe from the outside.

SHAWN opens the door and pushes GUS into the room first.

INT. ZILK’S STORE, OFFICE

A young WOMAN is working in the office and screams when she sees them.

SHAWN:
It's okay. It's all right. My name is Shawn Spencer. This is my partner... (opens his mouth for a name and nothing comes out) I can't believe I'm blanking. I've done this a million times.

GUS:
Nice work.

WOMAN:
(calls security) Office, code blue.

SHAWN:
It's okay. We're not here to rob you.

WOMAN:
Your buddy stole the clothes right off the mannequin.

GUS:
These are my clothes.

WOMAN:
Look, we don't keep the cash back here. This is the credit department.

GUS:
We just want to talk to you about the burglary.

WOMAN:
Oh, do you, Mannequin Man? Well, why don't you tell that to my little can of pepper spray? (grabs can and threatens them)

GUS:
Whoa, whoa!

SHAWN:
Hey, chill, chill, chill!

At that moment, COBURN enters with his baton raised.

SHAWN:
Stuart.

COBURN:
Shawn?

SHAWN:
(points at the WOMAN) Tell her!

COBURN:
(lowers baton) It's all right. These guys are with the police. Why is your friend dressed like the mannequin?

GUS:
That mannequin is dressed like me! Thank you. Can we go, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Hold up. What were you doing over there?

WOMAN:
Oh, uh, it's Friday. I was shredding credit card applications. It's the only fun thing I get to do.

SHAWN reads one pf the applications on the desk and sees it asks for a Social Security Number.

SHAWN:
Burglary happened on a Thursday.

GUS:
The day before they shred the credit applications.

SHAWN:
Thanks, guys. It was good to see you, Stu.

SHAWN pats COBURN on the back as he and GUS leave the office.

INT. ZILK’S STORE, DAY

Just outside the office, SHAWN calls JULIET.

SHAWN:
Jules, I'm getting some strong messages.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. ARENA, TRACK, NIGHT

JULIET is walking up to the track area.

JULIET:
Okay, what are they?

SHAWN:
First one's from Keanu Reeves. He's living in a house I built on a lake two years in the past. How will I meet him? The second is that the thieves were not after the merchandise.

JULIET:
Well, we already know that, Shawn.

SHAWN:
They were using the hand scanners to steal information off credit card applications. They're stealing identities.

JULIET:
Oh. So then ransacking the store and stealing the merchandise was just to throw us off the trail?

SHAWN:
Right-o. A handful of fake credit cards is worth more than everything in that entire store times ten. It's a pretty brilliant plan. Only slightly less brilliant than that YouTube video of the monkey bathing the cat.

WILDE and FOX skate up in front of JULIET.

WILDE:
Hey, Maniac!

FOX:
We need you to come with us, Maniac.

WILDE:
Right now.

WILDE puts her arm around JULIET’S shoulders and she goes with them.

SHAWN:
Jules, who is that? Who's talking?

The phone clicks off.

SHAWN:
We gotta go.

EXT. ARENA, NIGHT

GUS pulls into the parking lot. They get out of the car and walk to the entrance.

GUS:
So we have three suspects.

SHAWN:
Two to go.

GUS:
And you think they're on to Juliet?

SHAWN:
I said they might be. Either way, we're gonna find out pretty quick.

GUS:
What do you think they'll do to her?

They stop when they see JULIET’S friendship bracelet on the ground. They look at each other and then the building.

SHAWN:
They may've done it already. (sees WESTWOOD’S truck) That's Westwood's truck.

They walk over to the truck and peer into the back window.

GUS:
I can't see anything.

SHAWN:
Look for something to jimmy the lock.

GUS turns the latch and the window opens. SHAWN walks back and GUS lowers the tailgate to reveal a moving blanket covering something. SHAWN put his hands on his head, anquished.

SHAWN:
Oh!

GUS flips back the blanket to reveal a dead WESTWOOD.

SHAWN:
(sighs) Thank God.

GUS:
Thank God? It's a dead person.

SHAWN:
Yeah, but it's not Juliet.

GUS:
It's still a human being, Shawn. It's Westwood. What's the matter with you? (covers the body)

SHAWN:
You're saying you'd rather it be someone that we know and care about?

GUS closes the back of the car.

SHAWN:
Fine, next time I see Jules, I'll just tell her you wish she was dead. (walks off)

GUS:
(follows) I never said that I wished Juliet was dead.

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, NIGHT

There is a match going on.

ANNOUNCER:
Lead jammer Mrs. Bash is trapped in the pack! Speed Freak trying to slash through Pismo's vulnerable inside line. The Trollops are gonna have to do a 180 in the second half tonight.

SHAWN and GUS push through the audience so their on the edge of the track.

SHAWN:
(spots JULIET) Maniac!

JULIET waves him off as she passes.

ANNOUNCER:
Unless Hayseed Wannabe and Off-White Trash have their way, it might just happen. It's down to the wire, friends.

FOX and WILDE are planning something. FOX reaches down to her leg, pulls out a tag and sticks it on JULIET’S back. FOX then whispers to some of the other players.

SHAWN:
Oh, my God. The roller girls are onto Juliet.

GUS:
Which ones?

SHAWN:
The bad ones. And I know who they are. They're marking their own teammate. They want to hurt her or worse.

JULIET is starting to realize her teammates are up to something.

GUS:
We gotta do something. (steals a pair of skates from audience member)

ANNOUNCER:
Things are heating up out here, people. I hope you've brought protection.

The skaters start preparing to get JULIET. GUS comes back wearing the skates and a helmet. He’s a little unsteady.

SHAWN:
Gus! (hurries over) What are you doing?

GUS:
You've been complaining about me not being any help here, and that's about to change. They're gonna try to make a run for it, but not before they take Juliet down.

SHAWN:
Yes, yes. But this is a terrible idea.

GUS:
I can skate, Shawn. I got this. (skates onto the track)

SHAWN:
What are you...

ANNOUNCER:
Now it looks like we got a guest on the track?

GUS skates against traffic.

JULIET:
Hey!

ANNOUNCER:
You're taking your life in your hands, pal.

FOX and WILDE make their move. GUS blocks WILDE and she falls.

ANNOUNCER:
And oh, Speed Freak goes down! There's something you don't see every day.

GUS turns around and smiles at SHAWN who gives him a thumbs-up. GUS turns back to be met with a wall of angry skaters, two of whom knock him to the floor.

SHAWN:
Oh, man!

SHAWN runs out onto the track and helps GUS up. He then pushes him after the other skaters. FOX rounds the corner and heads for SHAWN. He stands in the middle of the track and waves his fingers in a “come and get me” motion. JULIET sees what happening and reaches SHAWN just in time, putting her arm out in time to knock FOX down. LASSITER and VICK arrive in the background.

JULIET:
Shawn, watch out!

SHAWN tries to get out of the way but causes a massive pileup on the track. JULIET makes her way back to SHAWN and puts her hands on her hips. SHAWN mouths “Thank you”. She mouths “You’re welcome”. The skaters get back up and resume the race.

WOMAN:
Come on! Let’s go!

EXT. ARENA, NIGHT

SHAWN, GUS and JULIET are waiting outside when VICK joins them.

VICK:
Four suspects?

JULIET:
It was identity theft, Chief. They were only after the information off the credit card applications the customers fill out. All of the stores they hit had similar credit card programs.

SHAWN:
They break in, wreak havoc, and split before the clock runs out.

GUS:
Just the kind of anarchy their fans pay for night after night.

JULIET:
I got prints off a key piece of evidence I found here.

SHAWN:
She got 'em when she wasn't busy kicking ass! Huh? Can I hear something for Maniac? She really brought it, huh? Am I right? Who's with me?

LASSITER is bringing out FOX and WILDE.

VICK:
Lassiter, take them away.

SHAWN:
(holds hands to his head) Whoa, whoa, wait. I'm seeing the fifth suspect.

LASSITER:
She get away?

SHAWN:
No. Rita "Lethal Weapon" Westwood. Unfortunately, you'll find her body in her pickup truck in the parking lot. She's the one that botched the merchandise drop. She paid dearly for it.

VICK:
Anything else?

SHAWN:
Um, not really. Did I mention Juliet's roller derby awesomeness? Huh? Maniac, Maniac, Maniac. I can't get anything from these people.

GUS:
They're murderers, Shawn. They're going away for life. I gotta study. (walks away)

VICK:
Lassiter, take them away.

LASSITER:
Ladies. (takes them away)

VICK:
You two work together well.

SHAWN:
I certainly think so. We're available for more cases, by the way. Embezzlement, extortion, espionage. Pretty much anything that starts with "e." Elephant theft.

VICK:
I'll take that under advisement.

VICK looks at JULIET with a small smile before walking away.

JULIET:
Elephant theft?

SHAWN:
Oh, yeah.

JULIET:
People steal elephants?

SHAWN:
Major problem. Pretty much out of control.

INT. ARENA, ROLLER DERBY TRACK, DAY

JULIET is in regular clothes and carrying her skates. SHAWN sits up in one of the chairs as she approaches.

SHAWN:
Oh, hey, Jules! What are you doing here?

JULIET:
I'm returning my equipment. What are you doing here?

SHAWN:
Just hangin'. You know, chillin'. I was actually feeling a little nostalgic. Remember when we cracked that case here and the criminals turned out to be roller derby girls? (chuckles)

JULIET:
Yeah, I remember that.

SHAWN:
Gosh, seems like it was just yesterday. (stands and is wearing skates)

JULIET:
Probably because it was yesterday. Why are you wearing skates?

SHAWN:
Oh, yeah, look at that. I guess I am. I don't know. Uh, I guess I just thought it was a shame. We have this big, beautiful track and no one to skate on it. It's also been a while since I've had a good blister.

JULIET:
Mmm.

SHAWN holds up the index finger on his right hand and twirls it.

DJ:
This will be a couples’ skate. Couples only.

“Space Age Love Song” by A Flock of Seagulls plays. SHAWN looks at JULIET with a little head tilt.

SHAWN:
Come on!

JULIET:
Shawn!

Moments later the DJ turns on the spotlight and follows them around the track. SHAWN is having a little difficult time. JULIET puts a hand on his arm to steady him.

JULIET:
Did you do that on purpose?

SHAWN:
No. Maybe. Okay, yes. Yes, I did.

They skate side-by-side and SHAWN tries to take her hand.

JULIET:
(pulls hand away) No hands.

She puts her hand back down and they continue to skate, the backs of their hands touching.

INT. PSYCH, DAY

GUS is sitting at his desk, his laptop open, as he tries to sign in for his exam.

GUS:
Damn!

SHAWN:
(at his desk) What is it?

GUS:
It won't let me log in. And I have to take my exam by today!

SHAWN:
Really? (closes laptop) That's probably because I just took it for you.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
I can't believe you're still using "chocolate thunder" as your password.

GUS:
You took my exam?

SHAWN:
Little harder than the river raft test, way easier than the Secret Service test. Any of the questions I didn't know I just answered "c". Right?

GUS leans back in his chair, hands on head, a look of panic on his face.

GUS:
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

SHAWN:
Dude, it's done. Relax. And you know what? Nailed it! Well, almost nailed it. At the very least, definitely didn't blow it.

GUS:
Shawn?

SHAWN:
I don't think...

GUS:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
Hey, you're in, okay? Sadly, you're still a pharmaceutical rep. But hey, whatever.

GUS:
I studied for this test all week for nothing.

SHAWN:
Yes, you did. But that's the sort of thing that builds character.

GUS jumps up from his chair. SHAWN does the same and runs away through the outer office.

SHAWN:
Knowledge is power! Don't you want to feel powerful?

He runs back through the main office and GUS rounds on him.

GUS:
Shawn.

GUS chases SHAWN through the office and SHAWN screams.

Transcript: Psych 3x06 There Might Be Blood

jpgr — Fri, 02 Jun 2023 22:40:08 GMT

1987

EXT. SPENCER HOUSE, DAY

SHAWN is digging a hole in the yard while GUS watches.

GUS:
How can you be sure it's down there?

SHAWN:
I can feel it in my bones, Gus. All great oil wildcatters have that ability. Me, Getty, Clampett, Crisco and Wesson.

GUS:
(looks around) But your dad told us never to dig in the yard.

SHAWN:
My dad doesn't understand the concept of taking risks. All we have to do is find the oil, and that'll show him.

GUS:
(jumps in) Okay. Let's say we do find oil. What happens then?

SHAWN:
All of our dreams come true. I'll be rich, and you'll work for me.

HENRY comes home and hears water. He cuts through the house and sees a jet of water shooting up from the ground.

HENRY:
Hey! Hey! What the hell's going on here?

SHAWN and GUS are standing in the hole as the water falls on them.

SHAWN:
Hey, Dad, we were prospecting for oil. How was your day?

HENRY:
All right, look. There's grass seed and duct tape in the garage. I want this yard exactly as it was. I don't care if it takes you both all night, you understand?

The clear water turns muddy and the boys laugh in delight. HENRY just goes inside.

PRESENT DAY

EXT. OIL RIG PLATFORM, NIGHT

Workers are securing items due to the storm. One man is supervising from a raised platform.

SUPERVISOR:
You're bunching up over there! Let's go! Move that pipe. Let's go! All right, McCall, bring those forks in through here. Watch it now. Watch 'em. Easy on the tongs, Woodruss! Woodruss! Easy on the tongs. Don't break those chains! You two are bunching up over there. Let's move that pipe. Let's go! Hey! Hey! McCloud, watch that lift! Check your line, Aldridge! Hey, you! You! That's no man's land! Get away from there!

One worker has moved into the area clearly marked “Danger – Keep Out” along the railing. The SUPERVISOR hurries down the stairs and over to the worker.

SUPERVISOR:
Hey, buddy! I'm talking to you! Clear the area! (shoves the worker out of the way) Don't think I'm not gonna write you up!

A large hook breaks free and swings into No Man’s Land, knocking him over the rail and into the sea below. The men hurry over to the edge to look for him.

INT. SBPD BOAT, CABIN, DAY

VICK is at the wheel, periodically checking the charts. SHAWN and GUS are standing just outside the door on the aft deck.

GUS:
Great, I'm missing a huge symposium on new frontiers in medical treatment, and I don't even know what for.

SHAWN:
What is that? The fungus one?

GUS:
Yeah. Don't play, Shawn, you know that fungus is my bread and butter.

SHAWN:
Really? You know what my bread and butter is? Bread and butter. Fungus has never entered into the equation. Not once. All the Chief said was that time was of the essence and that she'd brief us on the boat.

GUS:
I wonder what this case is about. It obviously has something to do with the ocean.

SHAWN:
Oh, Gus. It could be anything. Crab-on-crab violence. A gang war between the mermen and the shark people. Or maybe she wants to take us wild orca hunting.

VICK:
All right, guys. Come on up.

SHAWN and GUS enter the cabin.

VICK:
All right, here's the deal. A safety inspector named Butch Hicks fell to his death from an offshore oil rig last night and his body washed up on shore. The rig he was working on, is the Bamford number 7. That's where we're headed.

SHAWN:
First of all, let me just say, awesome! I've always wanted to go on an oil rig.

GUS:
Excuse me, Chief, but how is this a police matter? From what you've said, it's an accident.

VICK:
Yeah. That's what the Coast Guard thinks. But I'm not so sure. We received an anonymous tip about a week ago that we traced to a pay phone outside the dive shop on the pier. The caller said that something highly unsafe was going on out on that rig and that he was risking everything to warn us.

SHAWN:
Dude, harbor seal. (points out the window)

GUS:
What? (looks)

SHAWN:
Did you share this information about the anonymous tip with the Coast Guard?

VICK:
Absolutely not. I've had dealings with them in the past and I don't trust 'em.

SHAWN:
If you suspect foul play, shouldn't your lead detective be here? Where's Lassie?

GUS:
And Juliet? Shouldn't she be here?

VICK:
Okay, well, the truth is, um, what we're doing isn't exactly… We're acting more in an unofficial capacity, and any more questions and I'm gonna turn this boat around, take you both back to shore, understood?

SHAWN:
I'm all right with that. Except that Gus' leg is touching mine.

GUS:
Is not.

SHAWN:
He keeps looking at my ear.

VICK:
Enough. Now we're gonna be there in about five...

A ship’s horn blares as it comes up behind them.

WOMAN:
(over loudspeaker) This is the U.S. Coast Guard. Stop your engine and prepare to be boarded.

VICK:
Damn it. (stops the engine)

The Coast Guard boat comes alongside.

VICK:
I'll handle this. (picks up clipboard and leaves cabin)

EXT. SBPD BOAT, DECK, DAY

The woman officer walks along the gunwale.

VICK:
Good morning.

WOMAN:
(jumps onto the deck) Hey! Good morning. What brings you out here, Chief?

VICK:
Just doing a little sight-seeing.

WOMAN:
Yeah, is that right? (sees the clipboard) What's this? It's a rig manifest. (takes clipboard) You wouldn't be thinking of nosing in on my accidental death case, would you? ‘Cause that's my jurisdiction.

VICK:
(laughs) Sorry to break it to you, Commander, but according to the GPS, that southeast corner of the rig crosses back inside three miles, which brings it under my jurisdiction.

WOMAN:
Oh, you don't want to come up against me because you will lose.

VICK:
We'll see about that.

SHAWN:
(steps forward and shakes her hand) Hi, Commander, I'm Shawn Spencer, amateur dolphinologist, big fan of the briny and lemon squares.

VICK:
(whispers) Stay out of this, Mr. Spencer.

SHAWN:
Don't worry, Chief. I'm sure the Commander here is a perfectly reasonable human person. Huh? Here's the thing. We received an anonymous tip that there may be more going on here than meets the eye. So, with your blessing, of course, we'd like to go ahead and check out the rig. What do you say?

WOMAN:
Anonymous tip? You weren't gonna share this information with me?

VICK:
Like you ever shared anything with me.

WOMAN:
(pokes VICK) I could have you brought up on charges.

VICK:
(pokes WOMAN) You can't intimidate me.

WOMAN:
I'm giving you exactly ten seconds to get this vessel out of my waters. (slaps VICK’S arm)

VICK:
I'd like to see you make me. (slaps WOMAN)

WOMAN:
Oh, yeah?

VICK:
Oh, yeah.

WOMAN:
Oh, look! My nose is touching yours. What do you think about that?

GUS:
Can you do that to a Commander?

SHAWN:
You can when she's your sister.

VICK:
Don't you put your nose right up into mine again.

WOMAN:
What if I put it really close?

VICK:
What if I actually touch your nose?

**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“There Might Be Blood”
By
Kell Cahoon

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
John Badham

**********************************************************************

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

VICK is on the phone while her sister looks on.

VICK:
Yes, sir. I understand. (hangs up)

SISTER:
Judge ruled with me on jurisdiction, didn't he?

VICK:
Yeah. But that doesn't change the fact that I have far more experience investigating homicides.

SISTER:
But this wasn't a homicide. This was an accident.

VICK:
You don't know that for certain.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

SHAWN and GUS watch the sisters argue.

GUS:
I can't get over it. After all this time, the Chief never said she had a sister.

SHAWN:
It's strange.

LASSITER:
(comes up behind them) And such an alluring sister at that.

SHAWN:
Creepy.

JULIET:
(joins them) You should hear this. I got the Commander's bio off the Coast Guard web site.

SHAWN:
(takes paper from JULIET, clears throat and starts to read) "Commander B... "

JULIET:
(takes paper back) "Commander Barbara Dunlap. Graduated U.S. Coast Guard Academy with honors conducted multiple search and rescue operations Kodiak, Alaska, assumed command Santa Barbara station 2002. To date, interdicted over $5 million of illegal narcotics and has saved 57 lives."

SHAWN whistles and LASSITER is impressed.

JULIET:
Very impressive.

LASSITER:
Impressive and intoxicating. I mean, all that power in one woman? (looks at paper) There's no photo.

SHAWN:
Creepier.

VICK and BARBARA exit the office, still arguing.

BARBARA:
I know that I don't care about your so-called experience, okay? You are not getting anywhere near my oil rig.

VICK:
Well, too bad because we have a psychic, (points) Mr. Spencer, who is gonna figure out who our anonymous tipster is, which could be pretty darn important to the investigation.

BARBARA:
Yes, it could. And since this is now in my jurisdiction, your psychic (points) is my psychic.

VICK glares at SHAWN.

SHAWN:
I…

LASSITER pushes past SHAWN to introduce himself.

LASSITER:
Commander, Carlton Lassiter, head detective. (shakes her hand) I had no idea that the Chief had such an accomplished younger sister.

VICK:
(through gritted teeth) She's older.

LASSIITER realizes his mistake with a silent “Oh” and changes the subject.

LASSITER:
O’Hara, what are you doing standing there? We have a missing persons case to work.

LASSITER and JULIET walk away.

BARBARA:
Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have an investigation to conduct. Spencer, are you coming?

SHAWN:
Yes. May we have a moment with the Chief, Commander?

BARBARA:
Meet me at the ship. And I'll see you in an hour. Don't be late. (leaves)

SHAWN:
All right, Chief, I only said yes so that we can…

VICK:
You don't owe me an explanation. You do what you have to do. (goes into office)

SHAWN:
Is it just me, or does she seem peeved?

EXT. MARINA, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk from the lot to the dock.

GUS:
All I'm saying is, so much for us being in Chief Vick's good graces. We may have burned our bridge with her.

SHAWN:
Don't be a myopic Chihuahua. I have a foolproof plan that not only solves the case, gives Chief all the credit.

GUS:
What is it?

SHAWN:
All I have is the phrase, "I have a foolproof plan". Beyond that, I'm wide open.

SHAWN stops when they arrive at the dive shop. He sees a camera, a nautilus shell on the sign and the payphone.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

VICK:
We received an anonymous tip about a week ago that we traced to a pay phone outside the dive shop on the pier.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

SHAWN:
Okay, research time.

They walk down the ramp.

SHAWN:
Give me everything you got on offshore oil rigs.

GUS:
All right. Generally, oil platforms are located on a continental shelf.

SHAWN:
Shelf. Got it.

GUS:
A typical platform has around 30 well-heads.

SHAWN:
30, check.

GUS:
Drilling continues 24 hours a day, there are two crews on board at all times. One for the day shift, one for the night shift.

SHAWN:
"Love brokers."

GUS looks at him questioningly.

SHAWN:
Night Shift. Come on, dude. You got the Fonz playing against type.

They arrive at the slip, but the Coast Guard boat is gone.

GUS:
Where is this boat?

They see a young man in uniform.

SHAWN:
Excuse us. Is this where the Coast Guard boat launches from?

MAN:
Are you Shawn Spencer?

SHAWN:
I am indeed.

MAN:
Commander Dunlap instructed me to give you this. (takes off hat, takes out note and gives it to SHAWN)

SHAWN:
"Gentlemen, your job is to stay put and do nothing."

GUS takes the note and reads it himself.

GUS:
I don't believe this. She goes through all the trouble to hire us and then leaves us behind?

SHAWN:
Don't you see what's happening here, Gus? We are merely pawns in a bitter sibling feud.

GUS:
I'm nobody's pawn, Shawn. I'm a queen.

They look at each other, realizing what GUS said.

GUS:
At least I can make my conference on foot fungus. (turns to leave)

SHAWN:
(stops him) No, no, no. We cannot quit.

GUS:
Why not?

SHAWN:
Because we're not quitters. We're doing this for the Chief, remember? We've gotta get on that rig.

GUS:
But how?

MAN:(off-screen)
Have a good trip, Mr. Bamford.

SHAWN turns around and sees an older, heavyset man in a very Texan/Western outfit complete with Stetson. He is with a younger woman as they walk down the ramp.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

VICK:
The rig he was working on is the Bamford number 7, that's where we're headed.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

SHAWN:
I have an idea. But we'll need cool names.

INT. LAUNCH, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are sitting on the BAMFORD launch, having talked their way on.

DAUGHTER:
So, Mr. Turner...

SHAWN:
Please, call me T-Bone.

DAUGHTER:
(sits next to SHAWN) Okay, T-Bone, have you two invested in offshore drilling before?

SHAWN:
(laughs) Have we... Yes, Lordy, yes.

DAUGHTER:
So, you're familiar with the technology?

SHAWN:
I'd say it's pretty straight forward. You got your basic rig with 30 warheads, sitting on the continental countertop, running 24 crews day and night every two hours.

DAUGHTER:
That made absolutely no sense.

GUS:
The truth is, no, we're not that sophisticated in the oil business.

DAUGHTER:
I didn't think so. Look, my father and I don't appreciate our time being wasted.

BAMFORD:
(enters) You'll have to pardon my daughter, gentlemen. Apparently, Yale University didn't teach her any manners, or how to get a husband. Honey, run down there into the galley mix us up some cocktails while the men talk.

DAUGHTER:
Sure. (leaves)

SHAWN:
Wow. Not to be rude, Billy Joe, but it's the 21st century, women have earned the right to be treated equally.

BAMFORD:
(sits next to SHAWN) Cut the crap, son. A blind man could see that you two aren't investors.

SHAWN:
Technically, a blind man can't see anything, Billy Joe.

BAMFORD:
I offered you a ride out here so I could take a look at you, figure out what you were up to. What are you? Government watchdogs? EPA? Is this about that little oil spill?

GUS:
You had an oil spill out here?

BAMFORD:
(hesitates with fake smile) No.

SHAWN:
The truth, Billy Joe, is that we have not been completely honest with you. We're working for the Coast Guard.My name is Shawn Spencer. This is my partner, Chesterfield McMillan, and wife. We are investigating the death of your safety inspector, Butch Hicks, and whether or not it was truly an accident.

GUS:
But we were running late, so we missed the boat ride out here.

BAMFORD:
As much as I don't appreciate being lied to, if you're right about Hicks's death not being an accident, I want to know about it as much as you do. What can I do to help you?

SHAWN:
Well, the first thing we'll need to see is Mr. Hicks' personal effects. And I will be needing a little baby umbrella in my mai tai.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

LASSITER and JULIET are walking the hall.

LASSITER:
What's our, uh, missing person's name again?

JULIET:
Dr. Christopher Renaud. He's a professor at the university.

LASSITER:
And last seen?

JULIET:
His 3:00 lecture on Thursday.

LASSITER:
All right, we're gonna need a, uh, list of all the people in attendance that day.

JULIET:
I've obtained a list from the TA. And I've set up interviews with each and every one of his students.

LASSITER:
(sits at his desk) Good work, O'Hara. Ooh, one more thing.

JULIET:
(sits next to him) Shoot.

LASSITER:
I am thinking of asking out Commander Dunlap on a date. Your thoughts. (picks up sandwich)

JULIET:
(holding her pwn sandwich) Um, well, uh, I think it's a bad idea, Carlton.

LASSITER:
Really? Why?

JULIET:
Um, well, for starters, you know, she's the Chief's sister. Not to mention, they don't get along. You saw the way they were screaming at each other.

LASSITER:
See it? I devoured it. It was incredible. That Barbara, she's a real snap pea, isn't she? (takes bite) Mmm. She's got that great sturdy build.

JULIET:
Yeah. You know, why don't we focus on interviewing our witnesses for the missing persons case, hunh?

LASSITER:
Mmm. Absolutely. Yeah. Forget I even mentioned that other thing.

JULIET:
I will. (leaves)

LASSITER takes another bite of his sandwich.

EXT. OIL RIG, PLATFORM, DAY

SHAWN, GUS and BAMFORD arrive on the platform.

SHAWN:
Now, there was an anonymous tip that something unsafe was going on out here. Any clue as to what the caller might have been referring to?

BAMFORD:
I got no idea. This place is run strictly by the book. Butch Hicks made sure of that, and so do I. You can ask anybody. My professional reputation is based on safety. Watch your head going in here now.

INT. OIL RIG, HALL, DAY

They head down a set of stairs.

BAMFORD:
Somebody put a rail on this side of this ladder. That's a violation. Here's Hicks's office.

SHAWN:
I see.

SHAWN tries the door to the Geology Lab right across the hall. It’s locked.

SHAWN:
What's in here?

BAMFORD:
That's the geologist's lab. My daughter's trying to get me all high-tech. She thinks because I punched a few dry holes that I've lost my touch. And she talked me into hiring this fancy rock doctor to show me where to dig. I don't need nobody to tell me where to dig. Once this well comes in, like I know it's going to, I'm gonna be back on top again.

SHAWN sees a chart on the wall with the Bamford #7 marked on it.

BAMFORD:
(opens the door to the office) You guys take your time. If you need me, I'll be topside.

GUS goes in and SHAWN pauses at the door.

SHAWN:
If you need us, we'll be bottoms-up.

INT, OIL RIG, OFFICE, DAY

GUS starts looking at hanging clipboards while SHAWN looks into cabinets.

GUS:
So what are we looking for?

SHAWN:
Anything that will help us figure out who the anonymous tipster was. Or a Kit Kat. I'm starving. Since Hicks was in charge of safety on the rig, it's safe to assume the tipster may have come to him first.

GUS:
I have this big stack of safety violation reports. Man, this guy Hicks was a real stickler.

SHAWN:
If by stickler, you mean a guy who doesn't have any snacks, I agree with that.

SHAWN finds an oxygen tank with a label on it from the dive shop on the pier. BARBARA enters with two Coast Guard.

BARBARA:
What are you two doing here?

SHAWN:
Not eating candy, I can tell you that.

BARBARA:
My orders for you were to stay put and do nothing.

SHAWN:
Really, that wasn't reverse-psychology?

BARBARA:
Out.

SHAWN:
Wait. I was drawn to this office with very powerful psychic visions of a man in scuba gear, with a salamander in his wetsuit.

BARBARA:
Well, thank you, Mr. Spencer, but I don't see how that's helpful.

GUS:
Or healthy.

SHAWN:
Wait, I'm seeing more. The anonymous tipster. I can tell you where he is.

BARBARA:
Really? And where's that?

SHAWN:
The morgue. Commander, look, my myriad psychic detective skills assure me that the anonymous tipster is Safety Inspector Butch Hicks.

BARBARA:
Your psychic detective skills?

SHAWN:
You left out myriad.

BARBARA:
Right.

SHAWN:
But wait, there's more. I see a security camera in front of the dive shop. All you have to do is review Friday's tape and you'll see that I'm right.

BARBARA:
Fine, let's say you are right. It doesn't change anything. All the evidence still points to his death being an accident. Let's go.

BARBARA jerks her head towards the door and SHAWN and GUS leave.

EXT. OIL RIG, PLATFORM, DAY

SHAWN, GUS, BARBARA and her two officers exit onto the platform.

BARBARA:
As long as I'm in charge of this case, you will follow my orders to the letter. And my orders are that you get off this rig! We have a shuttle leaving in an hour, you will be on it! (pushes past them)

SHAWN:
Is it just me, or is that woman a tinge bossy?

GUS:
She scares me.

SHAWN:
Let's hop to it. We have less than an hour to interview every worker on the night shift.

GUS:
No, Shawn. Let's discuss something that won't get us into trouble, like where we're gonna eat when we get back to shore. All that Kit Kat talk made me hungry.

SHAWN:
Dude, this may be the only chance we have to weed out who might have wanted to kill Hicks.

GUS:
If the Commander finds us, she's gonna go ape. (sniffs) Do I smell meatloaf?

SHAWN:
And fresh apple cobbler, if I'm not mistaken.

GUS:
I guess it won't hurt to ask a few questions.

SHAWN nods in the direction of Miss Bamford who is using her phone. They walk over and SHAWN puts on an accent out of a Western.

SHAWN:
Well, hello, Miss Ashley. Would you kindly direct my buddy and I to the chuck wagon, please?

ASHLEY:
I'm sorry?

GUS:
We would like to know where the mess hall is.

ASHLEY:
It's two decks down.

SHAWN:
Awesome. Would you like to have lunch with us? Perhaps, afterwards, you could give us a little tour?

ASHLEY:
(laughs) Look, regardless of how my father treats me, I'm not the cruise director here. (leaves)

INT. OIL RIG, MESS HALL, DAY

SHAWN gets a spoonful of food dropped on his plate by the server behind the counter.

SHAWN:
So, tell me about the safety inspector.

SERVER:
That guy was always writing me up for the smallest infraction. I hate to say it, but I'm glad he's dead.

SHAWN:
(makes a face) There's no dairy in that, is there?

GUS is sitting at a table attempting to eat. He’s questioning a female WORKER.

WORKER:
(mouthful) You know, I had a dream that I knifed him in his sleep. But I woke up.

GUS puts down his fork. Later, SHAWN and GUS are sitting at a table with another worker.

WORKER 2:
Hicks should have never gone into no man's land.

SHAWN:
No man's land?

WORKER 2:
It's the area that's strictly off-limits during crane operation. Hicks should have known better. I mean, he was a safety inspector. Anyway, it's a shame if someone loosened that tackle and killed him.

GUS:
You know, you're the first person to show any empathy for Hicks.

WORKER 2:
What? (looks at them and laughs) No, I'm saying if it was me, I would have used a gun.

Later, SHAWN and GUS are clearing their trays.

SHAWN:
This place is lousy with suspects. And excessively heavy food. I think I ate my weight in that cowboy chicken casserole.

GUS:
Man, this food was disgusting. All I had was a half a bran muffin. What's our next move?

SHAWN:
Well, I think we need to get into Hicks’ house. If there really was a conspiracy to kill him, we're gonna need hard evidence.

GUS:
When we get back to shore, we go see Chief Vick.

SHAWN:
Well, first we go home, change into our jammies, take a nap. Then we wake up, have some juice, then straight to Vick.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

JULIET is on the phone at her desk.

JULIET:
All right. Well, call me if anyone matching that description shows up. Thanks. (hangs up)

SHAWN and GUS arrive.

SHAWN:
Hey, Jules. Chief in her office?

JULIET:
Ladies room.

SHAWN:
Darn. Gus and I really need to speak to her. Think you can give us a numeral so we can gauge just how long she'll be?

JULIET:
Oh, I don't know. Five, seven minutes maybe.

SHAWN:
How about number one or number two?

JULIET:
I have no idea, Shawn. And no, I am not gonna go to the ladies’ room and check on her for you.

SHAWN:
(picks up photo) Is this your missing person?

JULIET:
Dr. Christopher Renaud. (takes photo back) He's a professor at the university. Been missing for a week.

VICK joins them.

VICK:
What are you two doing here?

SHAWN:
Oh, we have our answer.

GUS:
Tinkle.

SHAWN:
Chief, we need your help.

VICK:
Oh, you need my help? Oh, I've got to give you credit, Mr. Spencer. You have more than your share of gumption.

GUS:
Please, Chief. This will only take a minute.

SHAWN:
Come on. For old times' sake.

VICK:
(holds up her finger) One minute. No more.

VICK heads to her office and SHAWN and GUS follow.

SHAWN:
Chief, I read every single worker on that rig.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

VICK opens the door and they enter.

GUS:
And they all hated Hicks.

SHAWN:
I'm getting two very distinct psychic vibes here.

VICK closes the door behind them.

SHAWN:
The first, there was a conspiracy behind Hicks' death. Second, Craig T. Nelson will donate his remaining hair to the Smithsonian.

GUS:
Yeah. Look, Chief, we need help learning more about Hicks, and a good start would be access to where he lived.

SHAWN points at GUS.

VICK:
I still don't understand why you're coming to me with this. I mean, why don't you go to the Commander?

SHAWN:
She really doesn't want us involved with this case.

VICK:
Really? Imagine that. I'm sorry. I can't help you. As the Commander pointed out, this case is out of my jurisdiction. And your minute is up. (walks to her desk)

SHAWN:
Gus, will you excuse us? I need to speak with the Chief in private.

GUS:
No problem. Just so you know, it was Shawn's idea for us to go with your sister. (waves and leaves)

SHAWN turns to face VICK sitting at her desk.

SHAWN:
Karen, Chief Karen. Chief Karen Vick? That just feels a little long, doesn't it?

VICK:
I said I'm busy, Mr. Spencer.

SHAWN:
I'm sensing something here… (puts hand to his head)

VICK:
Don't do that. (points at him)

SHAWN:
(lowers hand) Look, the only reason I took this case was to help you.

VICK:
Oh, really? Help me how?

SHAWN:
If I can tie that murder to a piece of evidence on land, the case is back in your jurisdiction.

VICK:
Well, that's actually kind of sweet. Don't tell anyone I used that word.

SHAWN:
Deal. (sits) Now I know it's none of my business, but what is going on with you and Commander Babs?

VICK:
It's complicated.

SHAWN:
Believe me, I know what it feels like growing up with an older sister who gets all the attention.

VICK:
I didn't know you had an older sister, Spencer.

SHAWN:
I don't. But I did watch a lot of reruns of The Brady Bunch.

VICK:
You know, Barbara and I weren't always like this. I mean, we used to be, well, close.

SHAWN:
I know exactly how you feel. And by I, I mean Jan.

VICK makes a long-suffering face.

SHAWN:
So, was it something specific that brought things to a head?

VICK:
No, nothing specific. It's just years of trying to outdo each other.

SHAWN:
(sighs) So, should I go divine that piece of evidence I was referring to?

VICK:
I don't know. Should you?

SHAWN smiles then leaves.

INT. HICK’S HOUSE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS enter through an open window. GUS enters head-first and gets stuck.

GUS:
Shawn.

SHAWN:
Oh, uh, I'm sorry, buddy. (lifts the window) There we go. Right in there.

GUS stands and SHAWN closes the window.

SHAWN:
Wow, looks like Hicks' obsession with safety did not extend to his colon.

Practically every surface is covered with take-out containers and liquor bottles.

GUS:
Vick will go ballistic if she found out we broke in here.

SHAWN:
We didn't break in. The window was open. Now, come on!

GUS:
What the heck are we looking for anyway?

SHAWN:
Anything Hicks may have received with the threat of violence. Correspondence, angry phone messages, mash notes.

GUS:
Mash notes are love letters, Shawn. (walks to desk)

SHAWN:
Really? Remind me, I owe someone a huge apology.

GUS:
Let's start with this computer. I guess I have to break the pass code. (wiggles fingers)

GUS goes through a little preparation ritual as SHAWN joins him. SHAWN sees a fez, a fan and a fancy letter opener.

SHAWN:
Panther21.

GUS:
Panther21?

SHAWN:
Just try it.

GUS:
(types) That's it.

SHAWN:
(nods) Mmm-hmm.

GUS:
You got all that just from putting together things from around the room?

SHAWN:
No, it was written on the computer. I saw the reflection on the cd case.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN walks away. GUS checks the emails.

GUS:
All right. Almost all of his recent emails are from someone called bishop77. "Why haven't you called me back?” "The situation on the rig is getting more serious every day!” "Why are you ignoring me?" Dude, listen to this one. (waves SHAWN over) "If you don't do something about this, I'll go to the authorities."

SHAWN:
Dude, you know what this means? Bishop77 is the anonymous tipster, not Hicks.

GUS:
And if we could figure out who he is, we could find out what's really going on out on that rig.

SHAWN:
And who killed Hicks, and why. Bishop77. He's Catholic, or he plays chess.

GUS:
I got it. I got it. A guy at work showed me how to take an email address and get its owner's real name. I'll start by using an email header to trace back to the original IP address.

SHAWN leans in close to watch and GUS sniffs him.

SHAWN:
What? Dear God, what are you doing?

GUS:
Shawn, what did I tell you about eating onions during lunch? It makes your breath stink. That's why I bought you those mints. Use them.

SHAWN:
(breathes into hand) Dude, I didn't eat onions during lunch. I ate everything but onions. I don't smell anything.

GUS continues to sniff and it leads him to a closet. SHAWN ignores GUS and breathes into his hand again.

SHAWN:
That smells good. That smells really good.

GUS:
Dude! It's coming from inside here.

SHAWN:
Well, open it up.

SHAWN walks over and GUS opens the closet door. The body of a dead man falls forward and GUS catches it out of reflex while SHAWN steps back.

GUS:
(grunts) Why does it always have to be a dead guy?

SHAWN:
Why does he smell like onions?

GUS:
Will you help me?

SHAWN gingerly takes an arm as GUS pushes the body back into the closet.

GUS:
Who do you think it is?

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

SHAWN:
(picks up photo) Is this your missing person?

JULIET:
Dr. Christopher Renaud.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

SHAWN:
That's Lassiter and Juliet's missing person.

GUS lets go and the body falls to the floor.

EXT. HICK’S HOUSE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS stand on the sidewalk and hear sirens. From the right comes the Coast Guard and from the left, the SBPD. Both vehicles stop with a squeal of brakes, merely inches separating the front bumpers. VICK gets out of the car accompanied by LASSITER and JULIET. BARBARA get out of her vehicle with two other officers.

VICK:
(approaches SHAWN) Mr. Spencer, what's this about?

BARBARA:
(hurries forward) Whoa, whoa, wait, he works for me. Mr. Spencer, what's this about?

SHAWN:
Look, the reason I called the two of you is because there's something in this house that concerns you both.

SHAWN leads them through the gate and up the front walk.

VICK:
Oh, please don't tell me you went into Hicks' house without a warrant.

BARBARA:
Hey! Warrant? No one talked to me about a warrant.

SHAWN:
(stops on steps) I need a warrant, all of a sudden? I'm a diviner! It all happens here. (waves his fingers by his head) And here. (by his heart) And, in extreme cases, here. (GUS’ face)

GUS slaps SHAWN’S hand away.

VICK:
Okay, what exactly is in there?

SHAWN:
A missing person. Professor... Renaud?

JULIET:
That's our missing person. But we never found a connection between he and Hicks.

LASSITER:
We'll check it out.

JULIET and LASSITER enter the house.

VICK:
What would Renaud be doing in Hicks' house?

BARBARA:
And how does this affect my case?

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa. Wait, I'm getting something.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. OIL RIG, HALL, DAY

BAMFORD:
Talked me into hiring this fancy rock doctor to show me where to dig. Well, I don't need anybody to show me where to dig.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

SHAWN:
Renaud worked as a consulting geologist for Hicks' employer, Bamford Exploration.

LASSITER and JULIET exit the house.

JULIET:
It's Renaud.

LASSITER:
Spencer's right. Not words I enjoy saying.

VICK:
Okay, then.

SHAWN:
Well, I'd say that ties up the missing person case quite nicely. This is usually the place where you say, "Nice work, Spencer."

VICK mumbles.

SHAWN:
I'm sorry, Chief. I didn't catch that.

BARBARA:
So, uh, the victim worked for Bamford Drilling. What does that have to do with Hicks' murder?

SHAWN and GUS look at each other.

VICK:
You know, if you don't mind, let me ask the questions now. Because in case you haven't noticed, we're on land, which brings this case back into my jurisdiction.

BARBARA:
Listen to yourself, will you? "My jurisdiction." You're only interested in this case because you're itching to horn in on my turf.

VICK:
Itching? (scoffs) Listen to yourself! Your turf? We're talking about a whole ocean, not the TV room!

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, sisters, please! Nobody's getting horned here! Two men are dead! This is not the time for petty sibling squabbles. That's what Thanksgiving is for. We need to come together and work as a group to get to the truth. And the truth is… Renaud is our anonymous tipster, not Hicks.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

SHAWN voices his theory and we see how it could have played out.

INT. RENAUD’S OFFICE, DAY

Renaud is typing furiously at his computer.

SHAWN: (v.o.)
I can see a series of emails from Renaud to Hicks, the safety inspector, warning him that something unsafe was happening on that rig.

INT. HICK’S HOUSE, DAY

Renaud argues with Hicks.

SHAWN: (v.o.)
But Hicks, he refuses to address the issue, probably because he's covering something up. And then, fearing that the truth would get out, Hicks...

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

SHAWN makes the sound effect and hand motion of a hammer being used.

SHAWN:
Pssh! Stop! Hammer time! Whoosh!

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. HICK’S HOUSE, DAY

Hicks stands there briefly before turning away.

SHAWN: (v.o.)
Hicks kills Renaud. The question is, what was Hicks trying to hide?

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

VICK:
Thank you for that eloquent summation, Mr. Spencer.

SHAWN:
It's my pleasure, Chief. I think our next move should be...

VICK:
For me to have Lassiter and O'Hara now look into it.

VICK goes up the stairs into the house. LASSITER and JULIET follow. LASSITER is smiling.

LASSITER:
Wait, wait, wait. Okay, this is great. Barbara just witnessed the Chief choose me over Spencer. In her eyes, my stock just went up. Now if I could just get her to witness me discharge my weapon.

JULIET shakes her head as she follows.

BARBARA:
Well, Mr. Spencer, this case does warrant further investigation on my end as well.

SHAWN:
Absolutely. Thank you, Commander. I think the first thing we need to investigate is why Hicks was in no man's land. The safety inspector, of all people, should have known better.

BARBARA:
Yeah, and I'll have my people look into that. Oh, yeah. By the way, you're fired. (leaves)

GUS:
Fired? Nobody fires me, Shawn. What do we do next?

SHAWN:
I can't stop asking myself, why was the geologist's office the only door that was locked? I'm telling you, something was in there.

GUS:
We gotta get back on that rig. But how?

SHAWN:
I have an idea.

GUS:
Is it good?

SHAWN:
Not really.

EXT. MARINA, DAY

HENRY is on his boat, preparing to cast off when SHAWN and GUS run up.

SHAWN:
Dad! Whoa, whoa! Wait! Wait, wait! Ah, thank God!

HENRY:
Hey, Shawn! What are you doing here?

SHAWN:
Well, hey, you know what? Gus and I thought maybe we'd go out with you today.

HENRY:
Ah, that's a first. Every time I ask you to go out fishing, you come up with some lame excuse. What was it? Last time it was, uh, one word. “Books”.

SHAWN:
(laughs) That's right. What can I say? We're both in the mood for some serious angling. Huh?

SHAWN and GUS climb aboard and sit.

SHAWN:
We heard the big ones are biting.

HENRY:
That's funny. I heard the storm scared all the fish away. Wait a minute, what did you hear was biting? It's not pike, is it?

SHAWN:
As a matter of fact, it was pike. Man, the pike is biting!

HENRY:
Yeah, well, pike is a freshwater fish. In case you morons haven't noticed, that's the ocean out there. All right, Shawn. What's up? What do you want?

SHAWN:
We believe the evidence we need to solve a case is on an offshore oil rig. It's the Bamford Number 7.

GUS:
We were hoping that you could give us a lift out there.

HENRY:
Can't do it. Sorry, guys. Even if I was so inclined, this boat isn't designed to go out that far.

SHAWN:
Dad, come on, this is important. It's not just about solving the case. We gotta get back in Vick's good graces.

HENRY:
Shawn, cannot do it.

SHAWN:
(sighs) Shocking.

SHAWN and GUS stand.

HENRY:
But I, uh, I think I got a friend over here. Captain Dale might be able to help you out.

They look over at a beat-up, dirty boat. DALE looks a typical old-salt type, throwing chum off the stern.

HENRY:
Of course, you'll have to do some chores.

SHAWN:
Chores?

DALE waves.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

BARBARA knocks on the door and peeks her head in.

BARBARA:
Hey, can I come in?

VICK:
What do you want, Barb? Here to argue some more about jurisdiction?

BARBARA:
Actually, no. (enters)

VICK:
Yeah, well, I have a lot of work to do, so...

BARBARA:
Well, the thing is, I had my people look into what Spencer said. (sits) What was Hicks doing out in no man's land? Uh, did somebody lure him out there? So, I took a trip out to the rig, had a look at the crane. It turns out the crane had been tampered with. Hicks was murdered. I was wrong.

VICK:
Um, Spencer was right. (hands BARBARA file) About Hicks murdering Renaud. His prints were all over the murder weapon.

BARBARA:
(tosses file onto desk) Well, then, we need to find Spencer and see what else he's figured out.

VICK:
Lead the way.

BARBARA:
Can I?

VICK:
Yeah.

BARBARA:
Let's go.

The sisters leave. VICK smiles.

INT. OIL RIG, HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS sneak down the stairs outside the geology lab. SHAWN works the lock.

GUS:
Damn that Captain Dale. I still smell like fish. I hate fish.

SHAWN:
That's not true. You love my Cajun crawfish hushpuppies.

GUS:
That's mostly cornmeal, and you know that!

SHAWN gets the lock and they enter the lab.

INT, OIL RIG, LAB, DAY

GUS switches on the light and closes the door behind them. SHAWN hold up something in his hand and GUS takes it and examines it.

GUS:
Look what you did to my credit card! You ruined it!

SHAWN:
Dude, it had a 29.7% interest rate. I did you a favor. Stop complaining. Start looking.

GUS rubs the card against the edge of the counter. SHAWN opens the top drawer of a wide file cabinet.

SHAWN:
You good on litmus paper?

GUS huffs and begins looking at some spiral-bound books. SHAWN tries the second drawer but finds it locked. He takes out his Swiss Army knife and uses one of the blades on the lock. He pulls out a transparent film with some writing on it.

SHAWN:
Huh.

GUS walks over.

GUS:
What the heck is that?

SHAWN:
Looks like a map. “BR#7”

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. OIL RIG, HALL, DAY

BAMFORD:
I don't need nobody to tell me where to dig.

While BAMFORD is talking, SHAWN sees the chart map on the wall.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

SHAWN:
Why would Renaud hand draw a map that already existed? Remember that map we saw in the corridor?

GUS:
Yeah.

SHAWN:
Yeah, go grab it.

GUS heads for the door.

INT. OIL RIG, HALL, DAY

GUS steps into the hall but pulls back against the wall as one of the workers passes by. As soon as he’s able, he dashes across the hall, grabs the map and then goes back into the lab.

INT, OIL RIG, LAB, DAY

GUS sets the map down on the counter and SHAWN places the transparency over top. He matches the coastline on both pieces. The transparency shows they are drilling on a fault line, not where they say on the “official” map.

SHAWN:
That's what Renaud meant when he said they were doing something unsafe. They're not drilling where they say they're drilling.

GUS:
They're drilling directly on a fault line.

SHAWN and GUS start to leave when ASHLEY enters.

ASHLEY:
This is a private lab. What are you two doing in here?

SHAWN:
Dude, I got this. Ashley, the truth is that I'm a psychic. A damn good one, I've been told. I am sensing that there is stuff going on that will be hard for you to hear. (puts his hands on her arms) Very hard. (feels her arms) Very, very hard. Damn, girl, you are so lean. What, do you spin?

GUS:
Shawn, I thought you said you got this.

SHAWN:
Sorry. I'm... I'm seeing faults. Faulty something. Faulty intelligence. Faulty wiring. Fawlty Towers.

GUS:
Shawn.

SHAWN:
Fault. Your father is drilling into a fault line.

ASHLEY:
What?

SHAWN:
Yeah, he made a fake map with the help of Dr. Dre. No, uh, Dr. Pepper, no! Dr. No… Dr. Renaud. Renaud!

ASHLEY:
Our geologist.

SHAWN:
That's right. There's more. Unfortunately, I think your father may be responsible for the deaths of Dr. Renaud and Hicks. I think he's trying to cover his tracks.

ASHLEY:
I'm... I'm sorry. I can't believe that Dad would do that. I mean, he's always been a risk-taker, willing to gamble everything if he thought there was oil to be found. But I can't believe that he would do this. I feel sick.

SHAWN:
It's okay. We're gonna get through this together. Probably over dinner. I was thinking tapas, but I could be talked into Greek…

GUS:
Shawn!

ASHLEY:
We need to stop drilling immediately.

SHAWN:
Right. And as far as dinner goes, let's just put a pin in it.

ASHLEY puts a hand to his face in a light caress before turning away. SHAWN smiles.

ASHLEY:
The communications room is down the hall. We'll radio up to the floor and tell them to suspend operations.

They leave the lab.

INT. OIL RIG, ROOM, DAY

ASHLEY opens the door to a dark room.

ASHLEY:
The light is on the opposite wall. I'll turn on the radio.

GUS heads deeper into the room.

SHAWN:
I know it isn't easy, hearing that your father isn't who you thought he was. (walks into the room) But you're doing the right thing.

GUS turns on the light to reveal they are in a supply closet.

GUS:
This is the radio room?

ASHLEY pulls a gun on them. They put their hands up.

SHAWN:
Ashley! Sweetie pop! (laughs nervously) Come on now.

ASHLEY:
You shouldn't have come back out here, Shawn. Now I'm gonna have to figure out a way to get rid of you.

ASHLEY leaves and locks the door behind her. SHAWN points at GUS a few times.

SHAWN:
I might have made a mistake. She fills those jeans out quite nicely, though.

GUS:
(sees sign on the door) Shawn, that sign says "toxic fumes". I am breathing in toxic fumes!

SHAWN:
Come on, dude. You think the company’s gonna expose employees to stuff that's really harmful?

GUS:
(gets into SHAWN’S face) Did you not see Silkwood, Shawn? They're gonna make me take a shower where they scrub my skin off!

EXT. OIL RIG, PLATFORM, DAY

ASHLEY hurries across the platform. VICK, BARBARA, LASSITER and JULIET arrive.

VICK:
Miss Bamford! Can we talk to you?

ASHLEY:
Um, can it wait? I'm really busy.

BARBARA:
No, no, no sorry, honey. It can't wait.

VICK:
See, we know that Hicks' death wasn't an accident, that he was murdered.

BARBARA:
It looks like we have solid alibis from everybody on the rig that night.

JULIET:
But the helicopter pilot who brought the workers out for their shift said there was an extra passenger who wasn't on the manifest.

VICK:
That passenger was you, Miss Bamford.

BARBARA:
Yeah. We're hoping you could clear this up for us. Why were you out there that night? And why didn't you want your name on the manifest?

ASHLEY:
Oh, well, that's simple. I was, um... You see, sometimes I like to make surprise visits.

The wind blows her jacket, revealing her gun.

LASSITER:
She's got a weapon! (moves to cover the women)

Everyone pulls their own weapons and chase her back inside.

VICK:
Halt!

INT. OIL RIG, HALL, DAY

ASHLEY runs down the stairs and fires back.

INT. OIL RIG, CLOSET, DAY

SHAWN and GUS hear the gunshots.

SHAWN:
(goes to the door) We gotta get outta here.

GUS:
Shawn, I think the rule is when you hear gunfire, you don't go towards it.

SHAWN:
(pounds on door) We're in here! We're in here! We're in here!

INT. OIL RIG, HALL, DAY

VICK and BARBARA come down the stairs, weapons drawn, cautiously searching.

INT. OIL RIG, CLOSET, DAY

SHAWN:
We're in here!

The door unlocks and opens. SHAWN and GUS take up defensive positions only to be relieved when LASSITER and JULIET enter.

SHAWN:
Oh, Jules, Lassie. Thank God. It's Ashley Bamford. She's armed.

LASSITER:
We know. We're in pursuit. (points emphatically) You two stay put. Do you understand?

GUS:
Got it.

SHAWN waits briefly for the detectives to leave before heading for the door.

GUS:
(stops him) What part of "stay put" is confusing to you?

SHAWN:
The “put” part. Stay put? I wasn't put in the first place, Gus. The expression is a complete disaster. Ooh, look!

SHAWN points behind GUS and when he turns to look, SHAWN runs out. With a grunt of frustration, GUS follows.

INT. OIL RIG, DAY

VICK and BARBARA have cornered ASHLEY in some sort of pump room with lots of pipes, valves and steam. Both parties are hiding behind pipes.

BARBARA:
What's her 20?

VICK:
On the left. 30 feet.

BARBARA:
No, it's more like 35 feet.

VICK:
Damn it, why do you always have to feel like you have to correct me?

BARBARA:
Was I correcting you? I didn't mean to correct...

VICK:
Yeah!

BARBARA:
I'm sorry.

ASHLEY fires, BARBARA ducks and VICK fires back. JULIET and LASSITER arrive, taking cover behind another set of pipes. SHAWN and GUS sneak in, ducking low.

GUS:
What the hell are you doing?

SHAWN:
I have a plan. It's called "Gus is a table".

There is more gunfire. SHAWN and GUS duck lower. One of the valves is hit, releasing more steam.

GUS:
I'm a what?

SHAWN:
It was our signature prank in the seventh grade. I know you remember this. "Gus is a table."

GUS:
Let me get thi...

More shots are exchanged. LASSITER and JULIET rush towards ASHLEY’S position as she reloads.

GUS:
Let me get this straight. You want me to sneak up behind her on all fours, so you can push her, and she'll fall over me?

SHAWN:
Exactly. I'll distract her while you get in position.

SHAWN moves around so he’s behind ASHLEY but still has cover.

SHAWN:
Ashley, hon?

ASHLEY:
(turns and aims) Shawn? Don't make me shoot you.

SHAWN:
(raises hands) It's okay. I just wanna talk. I'm putting my cards on the table. Right smack dab on the table!

Hiding, GUS shakes his head.

ASHLEY:
Doesn't matter. It's too late.

SHAWN:
Oh, no, no, no! No, no, no. It's not too late. (looks over at GUS) Gus is a table.

GUS:
Gus is a statue!

SHAWN:
You're a sellout!

ASHLEY:
What's going on? What are you talking about?

SHAWN:
(moves sideways) Nothing. Nothing, nothing. Nothing's going on.

ASHLEY:
Don't come any closer, Shawn.

BARBARA:
What is he doing?

VICK:
I have no idea.

JULIET:
Shawn, get out of there!

SHAWN:
Juliet, stay back. All of you, stay back. And stop shooting! Look, Ashley, I know what it feels like to have a dad that does not appreciate or respect you. Let me tell you what I see. I see a gorgeous young woman with a smart jacket, and an impressive education, and even more impressive arm muscle tone who desperately wanted to save her father's crumbling business. I know that's why you had Renaud make the fake map, so that nobody would know you were drilling into a dangerous fault line. And when Butch Hicks found out about it, you did what any good child would do in your place. You had no choice. You had to kill him.

The others make questioning faces as SHAWN talks.

ASHLEY:
I couldn't have let Hicks or anyone else get in the way. You understand that, don't you, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Of course I do. Are you kidding me? I completely understand. (walks up to her) What are you doing? (laughs) Give me that. Give me that gun. It's okay.

ASHLEY slowly hands over the gun. She looks ready to cry.

SHAWN:
Come here.

SHAWN opens his arms to hug her, but LASSITER runs out and tackles her. JULIET hurries over with her handcuffs. GUS stands by SHAWN.

LASSITER:
(whispers) Did Barbara see that?

VICK and BARBARA walk over. LASSITER gives BARBARA a cheesy grin.

VICK:
Well, I gotta say, Mr. Spencer, nice work.

SHAWN:
Thanks, Chief. No help to my table. No help to my table. (looks at GUS)

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are holding a large gift basket.

VICK:
This really isn't necessary. I already told you guys you're forgiven. In fact, I should be giving you gifts for bringing me and my sister back together.

SHAWN:
Chief, stop it. The only gift we'll ever need from you is your sweet, toothy smile.

GUS:
And any possible cases you might want to send our way.

SHAWN:
But mostly the toothy smile.

BARBARA:
(knocks on open door) Knock, knock, knock.

VICK:
Hey!

SHAWN:
Well, ahoy, Commander. Welcome aboard.

BARBARA salutes as she walks in.

GUS:
Thar she blows.

SHAWN:
All hands on deck.

BARBARA:
Okay, enough. The painfully cute mugging’s starting to get on my nerves.

GUS:
What are you, Entertainment Weekly?

BARBARA:
So, we still on for lunch, Kare?

VICK:
Absolutely.

BARBARA:
(giggles) This is kind of awkward, but I'm thinking of asking out Detective Lassiter. What do you think?

SHAWN and GUS moan and turn away.

VICK:
Oh! Um… You don't want to go there.

BARBARA:
Really? Why?

VICK:
It's just he's a little, um, wound up. And trust me, you'd be far better off pursuing somebody else. I'm doing you a favor.

SHAWN and GUS start going through the food in the basket.

BARBARA:
I get it. You want him for yourself.

VICK:
What? No. I'm married, Barb. And even if I weren't, I mean, Carlton? Oh! Oh, no. No, no.

SHAWN reaches for food but GUS slaps him away.

BARBARA:
(mimics) Ah, no, no, no.

VICK:
No!

BARBARA:
(laughs) Oh, you are so transparent.

VICK:
Transparent?

BARBARA:
You can't stand to see me with someone you're attracted to! All of a sudden too, by the way.

VICK:
All of a... Transparent? Yeah, fine, you know what? Ask out Lassiter.

BARBARA:
I will!

VICK:
Go ahead!

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

LASSITER walks by the office just as BARBARA steps out.

BARBARA:
You, me, lunch. (she points)

LASSITER:
(turns and follows) Aye, aye!

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN, GUS and VICK watch as LASSITER hurries after BARBARA. VICK can’t seem to believe it.

SHAWN:
So I take it the sibling rivalry is back on?

VICK:
Oh, it's on. And I am so winning.

As VICK walks away, SHAWN reaches again for the snacks GUS is holding. GUS slaps him again.

SHAWN:
Ouch! You have a problem.

Transcript: Psych 3x05 Disco Didn't Die, It Was Murdered

jpgr — Sat, 27 May 2023 17:19:57 GMT

INT. APARTMENT, NIGHT

1978. A MAN is building a bomb using an alarm clock. He places it carefully into a zippered bag.

EXT. APARTMENT, NIGHT

Sgt. HENRY Spencer listens at the door before motioning to his fellow officers.

HENRY:
Okay, come on. Move it out.

One of the officers uses a small ram to smash the door open.

INT. APARTMENT, NIGHT

The MAN gets to his feet and finishes putting the bomb in the bag just as HENRY enters, gun drawn.

HENRY:
Listen, Franks...

FRANKS hugs the bomb to his chest. HENRY sees the bottles of chemicals on the table.

HENRY:
You have the right not to get shot. Make the wrong move, you lose that right. Put down the bomb.

FRANKS puts down the bomb and raises his hands.

HENRY:
Good move.

EXT. SBPD, DAY

A press conference is being held by the CHIEF. HENRY is standing near the podium.

CHIEF:
We recently obtained intelligence of a bomb plot by an anti-government radical. His intended target was this very building. We owe the success of this investigation and, indeed, our very lives to Sergeant Henry Spencer.

There is applause and choruses of “Well done” and “Good job”.

CHIEF:
Sergeant Spencer, would you like to say a few words?

HENRY:
No, thanks, Chief. A police officer doesn't deserve any special attention for just doin' his job.

PRESENT DAY

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS enter with a WOMAN who is carrying a notepad.

SHAWN:
You may be able to sense the electricity in the room. That's because our arrival usually signals that a huge case is going down.

VICK is standing in the doorway to her office.

VICK:
Step in here please, gentlemen.

SHAWN:
That's the Chief. She likes the two of us very much.

LASSITER and JULIET are already in the office. VICK sees the WOMAN.

VICK:
I'm sorry, you are?

SHAWN:
Oh, sorry, Chief. I got roped into doing a silly interview
with The Independent. They've been calling and begging for weeks, and I finally relented.

WOMAN:
But... you called me.

SHAWN:
And you called me back, which means we're both right. The important thing is that you got your cover story.

WOMAN:
Actually, this is page 64.

SHAWN:
It really depends on how you fold it, doesn't it?

VICK:
She can't be in here, so get her the hell out.

GUS and VICK go into the office while SHAWN walks the WOMAN around to a different wall.

SHAWN:
Come to think of it, I think you'll probably get a better shot here through this window. Now, try to catch me with a good expression, preferably with this eyebrow raised... like so. Or my serious face. Best-case scenario, snap a shot when my signature look comes up. I call it Señor Gotcha!

WOMAN:
How will I know what that is?

SHAWN:
You'll know. Good luck. We're all counting on you. (leaves)

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN enters with a sigh.

SHAWN:
Lassie, you're here! I need you...here. (moves LASSITER aside and pulls up the blind so the WOMAN can see) Thank you. (goes over to VICK) Chief, what's up?

VICK:
Mr. Spencer, as you may be aware, a Cal...

SHAWN strikes a pose, putting his foot up on a chair.

VICK:
California prisoner's advocacy... Are you okay?

SHAWN:
Right as rain. (turns and poses for the camera)

VICK:
Long story short, a handful of convictions, some of them decades old, have been recently called into question.

JULIET:
Unfortunately, the biggest one was a Santa Barbara P.D. conviction. (hands VICK the file)

VICK:
So we're reopening the case and launching a new investigation. Now we're hiring y...

SHAWN hits some modeling poses.

VICK:
You to provide us with any psychic leads that you may have. Now, normally, we don't devote department resources to this, but these are... special circumstances. (hands SHAWN the file)

SHAWN:
Could you do the handoff again, Chief?
SHAWN forces VICK to take it again and then he turns to face the WOMAN who snaps a picture.

SHAWN:
Thanks. (opens and reads the file) Oh, no.

GUS:
What is it?

SHAWN:
It's my dad's biggest case.

SHAWN makes an “ugh” face and the WOMAN snaps a photo and gives a thumbs up. SHAWN shakes his head.

**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“Disco Didn’t Die, It Was Murdered”
By
Saladin K. Patterson

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Mel Damski

**********************************************************************

EXT. SBPD, DAY

VICK walks down the stairs with SHAWN and GUS.

VICK:
It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?

SHAWN:
Yes, you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say, "it goes without saying," yet still feel compelled to say the thing supposed to go without saying. Doesn't that bother you?

VICK:
No. And frankly, I could care less.

GUS:
Now, that's the one that bothers me. Why do people say, "I could care less" when they mean "I couldn't care less"?

VICK:
Why don't you tell me how to properly say this: if you share any official information about this case with your father or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for. And I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.

GUS:
You split an infinitive.

SHAWN:
Good catch, Gus.

VICK:
You two realize I carry a gun, right?

GUS:
That was perfectly elocuted.

After a look from VICK, they leave.

INT. PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk in the front door.

SHAWN:
My dad's gonna freak when he sees this. We have to go into stealth mode. No taking his calls. This won't hit the news till tomorrow. That should give us a 24-hour head start.

HENRY is at the fridge in the main office.

HENRY:
Hand it over.

SHAWN:
Dad, how did you get in here?

HENRY:
The unlatched window? The unlocked back door? Maybe this key that I made? You choose one.

SHAWN:
What do you want?

HENRY:
I dropped by to share my new chocolate chip raisin bread recipe with you, Shawn. What do you think? I know Chief Vick just gave you the new Franks case. Why don't you let me take a look at what you're hiding in that folder so I can get moving on this?

SHAWN holds the folder behind him.

SHAWN:
Okay, you're right. Chief Vick did just hire us. But there is no way…

GUS:
Nope.

SHAWN:
…that I'm showing you what's in this folder.

HENRY:
You're lucky I'm asking you. I could do this the simple way. I could grab it, clean up any evidence of struggle before you and your friend knew what hit you.

SHAWN:
In some states, that's child abuse.

GUS:
I think all of them.

SHAWN:
Look, Chief Vick made it clear that you, specifically, were to come nowhere near this case.

HENRY:
This shouldn't even be a case. The son of a bitch was let out on some microcrap problem with my search warrant.

GUS:
Everybody makes mistakes.

HENRY:
(angrily) There was no mistake! (points at GUS)

SHAWN:
Whoa.

SHAWN at GUS sit at their respective desks.

HENRY:
It was the 70's. We did what we had to do. But only when we knew we had the right guy, and I got the right guy. Period.

SHAWN:
Okay. You got the right guy. Still doesn't mean I'm gonna put you on this case. Nor would I even want to. Dad, you have no idea how Gus and I roll... Gus, tell him.

HENRY:
You know what? You go ahead and handle this half-assed like you do everything else. But you bear this in mind. (to GUS) This case is important to a lot of people who could have died if he had blown up our headquarters. (to SHAWN) It should be important to their family members too. (leaves)

SHAWN:
Whoa. (puts file in drawer) Never seen my dad beg before.

GUS:
That's how he begs?

SHAWN:
He's clearly not gonna let this go. So, look, if we're gonna investigate this thing undisturbed, we're gonna have to jump a few steps, fill in the blanks when we're done. We should go straight to the D.A.'s office.

INT. DA’S OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS sit down on either side of a man reading a newspaper.

HENRY:
Beat you by eight minutes. (lowers paper) Not too embarrassing.

SHAWN and GUS stand quickly.

SHAWN:
Dad, I knew you would come and try to investigate this on your own. Do you have any idea how dangerous this is?

HENRY:
Why? I'm a tax-paying, voting citizen. Therefore, I have a right to speak to any elected official, such as the D.A., I please.

SHAWN:
You don't have to be a tax-paying, voting citizen, do you?

RECEPTIONIST:
May I help you?

The three of them hurry over to the booth.

SHAWN:
Yes. My name is Shawn Spencer. I am the head psychic for the Santa Barbara Police Department. And that is my partner...

HENRY:
Yeah, yeah, that's his partner, Methuselah Honeysuckle, which makes me Old Scratch Johnson. We need to see copies of the original court transcripts for the Eugene Franks case.

RECEPTIONIST:
I'm not sure I can release those.

SHAWN sees a photo of the man with his wife and baby, a selection of paint slips and a boxed Louisville Slugger.

SHAWN:
I'm getting a very soft, cuddly vibe here. It seems like you and your wife are...

HENRY:
They're gonna have another kid. It's a boy. Congratulations. Do yourselves a favor. Don't call it Shawn. Problems. More importantly, according to the Freedom of Information Act, those transcripts are available for viewing. So...

RECEPTIONIST:
Very well. Good point. I'll have our records department make copies.

SHAWN:
Thank you very much.

The RECEPTIONIST takes off his headset and leaves.

SHAWN:
You know, you're putting a damper on the proceedings.

HENRY:
You call it a damper. I call it working…

SHAWN pulls HENRY away from the booth.

SHAWN:
All right, that's it. Come here. All right, I need you to hear me, okay? If you insist on staying involved in this case, there are going to be rules. I was hired by the police department, therefore, it is my ass on the line, and those rules will be made by me. You are no longer a cop. And unless you plan on going back to the Academy climbing the wall, doing the obstacle course where you shoot the bad guys, but not the lady with the sack or the guy with the cane or the squirrel with the tail and the big, fat nut... That started off well.

GUS:
It really fell apart at the end. You should have had a name for the wall or something.

SHAWN:
What I'm saying is that you need to listen to me, is what I'm saying.

HENRY:
All right, Shawn. Point taken. You got a deal. (walks past SHAWN to the door)

SHAWN:
(calls after HENRY) That means you're workin' for me now. Why don't you grab some coffee for us? Black.

HENRY’S already out the door.

GUS:
Two sugars.

SHAWN:
(calls) Two sugars!

INT. PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN and HENRY are sitting at his desk looking over the documents of the Franks case.

SHAWN:
I don't understand... You guys had to handwrite everything? What if you need multiple copies?

GUS sits on the corner of his own desk.

HENRY:
Well, we had one computer, but it took up the entire second floor. Generally, we would use the mimeo machine. (looks at the document in SHAWN’S hand)

SHAWN:
How long did that take, a week?

HENRY:
All the high-tech fancy gadgets they use today don't solve crimes any better than we did. A good detective is born with all the tools he needs right here. (points to his forehead)

The office phone rings and SHAWN looks at the caller ID before answering.

SHAWN:
Hello. Chief, what's the good w... My dad, down at the D.A.'s office? (looks at HENRY who waves his hands in the negative) No, I-I don't think so. I think I can clear this up for ya, Chief. That wasn't my dad. That was Phil Collins. We saw Phil down at the courthouse. My dad gets mistaken for him all the time.

HENRY:
(whispers) I don't look... Shawn, I don't look anything like Phil Collins.

SHAWN and GUS both shush him.

SHAWN:
No, I'm... I'm fairly certain about this, Chief. He was humming “Invisible Touch”, if that helps you. No, I- I wasn't aware that Phil Collins lives in Switzerland. (covers the phone and talks to GUS) How does she know so much about Phil Collins?

GUS:
I don't know.

SHAWN:
Yes. I do hear you. I will make sure he stays away. (ends call) Love you too. (slams phone into stand) Do you see? Do you see? We have to be more careful…

HENRY:
Okay, hot shot! All right, I get it. Tell me what you can glean from this. (puts paper on the desk in front of him)

SHAWN:
You'd like to know what I can glean?

HENRY:
Glean.

SHAWN looks at the paper and sees only “Exhibit A” listed.

SHAWN:
The D.A. arrested after only submitting the initial evidence?

HENRY:
Correct-a-mundo. The evidence I uncovered in that department was so strong, the D.A. didn't need anything else to get a conviction.

GUS:
But all the evidence is poisonous fruit because of the search warrant.

HENRY:
This evidence, yes. Good thing I got a different warrant for the second round and the D.A. didn't submit any of that stuff which means we can use that now. All the high-tech gadgets in the world won't tell you that, will it?

SHAWN:
(gets a drink from the fridge) We gotta get the Chief to let us into the county archives so we can take a look at that evidence. Gus, gimme your keys.

GUS:
That would be a no. Ogletree's checking my mileage.

HENRY:
We'll take my truck. (stands)

SHAWN:
No, we won't. That raises the chances of you being seen again. We'll have to take my motorcycle. I've always wanted to try threesies. Who wants the handlebars? Gus? Feels like you.

GUS:
No.

HENRY:
Yeah, that shouldn't draw any attention. We'll cab it.

SHAWN:
Fine. It's funny. It's usually me who can't show my face in public.

INT. EVIDENCE LOCKUP, DAY

SHAWN, GUS and HENRY are looking at some boxes on a table.

GUS:
Just think, the contents inside these boxes could determine whether someone spends the rest of their life in jail.

SHAWN:
Catch.

SHAWN throws a hammer at GUS who catches it.

SHAWN:
Better hope they don't reopen the Handyman Killer case. Your fingerprints are all over the murder weapon.

GUS:
(drops the hammer) That's not funny, Shawn!

SHAWN:
Dude, I'm kidding. It's not really evidence. It was just lying here. (flips through a notebook)

GUS:
Well, stop it. You know I'm afraid that being wrongfully convicted is the tragic way my story ends.

HENRY:
(brings over a box) Would you two girls stop bitching and see what we got here?

SHAWN:
What is this stuff?

HENRY:
Various possessions, personal effects of Eugene's we found after he was arrested. (opens box) All right, what do we got here? Pawn ticket made out to Eugene a few days before he was arrested.

SHAWN:
(reads ticket) "Goldstein's Pawn". Anybody?

GUS:
Wait. That place is still around.

HENRY:
Desperate people pawn things. Let's see what Eugene pawned and never got back, huh?

SHAWN pulls the ticket out of HENRY’S hands.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

VICK is standing in front of JULIET and LASSITER.

VICK:
Two new cases just came in. One involves an international diamond smuggling ring.

LASSITER:
Sweet!

JULIET:
Bingo!

VICK:
The other involves fraudulent permits at a plastics factory.

JULIET and LASSITER groan and make faces.

VICK:
Well, I'll leave it up to the two of you to decide who gets which. (hands them each a file and leaves)

LASSITER:
(turns to JULIET) I am the head detective.

JULIET:
(faces LASSITER) Who owes me. I covered your butt on last month's paperwork.

LASSITER:
Damn it. (looks around and sees BUZZ) Follow my lead. McNab! Get over here!

BUZZ walks over.

LASSITER:
I don't know, O’Hara. I don't think he's ready.

JULIET:
Yeah, I... I don't think he is either.

BUZZ:
No. I'm ready.

LASSITER:
All right. McNab, how would you like to do some real police work?

BUZZ:
I'd love to.

LASSITER:
Now, technically, you'll be working under Detective O’Hara and myself, but we'll let you take the lead on this. (gives BUZZ a file)

JULIET:
It will be such a good experience for you. It might even earn you a spot on the detective bureau someday.

BUZZ stands a little straighter and looks over at LASSITER who shrugs.

BUZZ:
Wow! Thanks, guys. This means a lot. The fact that you think so highly of me to trust me...

LASSITER:
Yeah, yeah, we love you. Get back to work.

BUZZ smiles and walks away. LASSITER and JULIET look knowingly at each other.

INT. PAWN SHOP, DAY

HENRY, SHAWN and GUS stand at the counter as GOLDSTEIN reads the ticket.

GOLDSTEIN:
This ticket is from 30 years ago when my dad ran the shop. I'll have to go look through the box. (walks to shelves)

SHAWN:
The box? What do you think the box is? A giant room like in “Raiders”?

GUS:
I think it's a box.

SHAWN:
Secret catacombs underneath the building like in “National Treasure”?

GUS:
Shame on you for knowing that.

GOLDSTEIN:
(returns with box) This is where we keep all the old unclaimed stuff from over the years.

GUS:
As I said, a box.

SHAWN:
What do you think's inside the box?

GUS:
Will you calm down?

SHAWN:
I can't, man! There's stuff in there! All kinds of stuff, old stuff, shiny stuff, secret stuff... How come you're not as excited as me?

GUS:
Because I'm not a raccoon.

SHAWN:
You look like a raccoon.

GOLDSTEIN:
Hey, you're in luck. This ticket here matches this old receipt. Not a lot of info on it, I'm afraid.

SHAWN takes the receipt and reads a long number.

HENRY:
I know what that...

SHAWN:
Sshh, let me get it.

HENRY:
Right. Your case.

SHAWN:
Oh, I'm getting something here. Oh, this is intense. I can see Eugene. He's desperate, he's sweating nervously, he's stinky! He wants to get rid of something, cover his tracks, hide where he's been. So, he brings in the title to his car! That must be the Vehicle Identification Number right in there.

HENRY:
(whispers) Right. Whose benefit was that for?

SHAWN:
(whispers) Don't ever question my methods in front of a civilian. OK? Never do that.

HENRY:
Come here.

HENRY pushes SHAWN and GUS over to an area of the shop away from the counter.

HENRY:
I always thought that Eugene was gonna use the car in a bomb plot. That was a common M.O. back then. He probably pawned the title to cover his tracks.

GOLDSTEIN:
If nobody reclaimed the title, we would have sold it.

The trio goes into a tight huddle.

GUS:
We could use the VIN number to track where it ended up.

SHAWN:
That could take us all over the city or the state, for that matter, thus increasing the chances that you'll be seen by someone you work with and you being caught by the police.

They all sigh in frustration. SHAWN looks around the shop.

SHAWN:
Unless... (goes to a rack of clothes and pulls out a pair of pants) Nobody recognizes us.

EXT. PAWN SHOP, DAY

HENRY, GUS and SHAWN exit wearing 70s outfits. They walk down the street.

GUS:
I feel ridiculous.

HENRY:
Speak for yourself. I've got this shirt at home. His mother used to love it.

GUS:
Yeah, like 30 years ago.

HENRY:
Kid, I wore it to lunch last week.

EXT. USED CAR LOT, DAY

HENRY spots the car.

HENRY:
There it is.

MAN:
It's been sittin' in some old lady's backyard for dang near 30 years.

HENRY:
You got the keys? Let's take a look inside.

MAN:
Make me an offer and it's yours.

HENRY:
You gotta be kiddin'.

The MAN holds his arms out in an extended shrug.

SHAWN:
Just... give us a second here. (pulls the others away for a sidebar) How much money do we have between us?

HENRY:
What? (pulls out wallet) I think I got about... 50 bucks.

GUS:
I got about $400 between my wallet and my sock. (pulls money from sock) It's my "just in case" money.

SHAWN:
All right. (takes their money) Add in what I have, and we've got about... (pretends to add) $450.

HENRY:
(reaches for money) All right, let me go talk to him.

SHAWN:
Uh, uh, uh. You stand down, Popeye Doyle. I'll handle this. (walks over to MAN) Got about $450 here. Now, how much is this gonna cost me?

MAN:
$450.

SHAWN:
Done.

SHAWN slaps the money into the MAN’S hand. The MAN walks away and SHAWN turns to the others with a laugh.

SHAWN:
He's good!

GUS:
Nice goin', Shawn. That was all of our money.

HENRY:
That's what happens when you send in the one guy who's never bought a car before.

SHAWN:
We had exactly enough.

GUS opens the driver’s door while HENRY walks around to the passenger side.

HENRY:
All right, look at it this way, Gus. It isn't a car, it's a time machine. (starts looking in the back seat) This little kitty's gonna tell us about Eugene 30 years ago.

GUS:
Well, looks like a car to me. And if I bought it, I'm drivin' it. That means my same car rules apply. (sits in driver’s seat) Wipe your shoes before entering. No slamming doors. (adjusts the seat) No food. (the seat lies back flat)

SHAWN grunts as he tries to open the hood. He gives up and wipes his hands together.

SHAWN:
Looks good up here.

SHAWN then spots a partial faded decal in the corner of the windshield. It looks like a stylized rearing horse.

INT. CAR, DAY

HENRY pulls down the back seat to reveal a welded panel. He sees a join at the top.

HENRY:
Doesn't look like factory soldering. (pulls down the panel to reveal a cubby) Smuggler's hatch. (picks up old roll of film and laughs)

EXT. USED CAR LOT, DAY

HENRY stands and holds up the film.

HENRY:
Gotta get this down to the crime lab.

SHAWN:
Uh, uh, uh.

HENRY:
Let me guess. This is where we take one step back before involving the police.

SHAWN:
We need to see what's on that film first. (holds up his right hand)

HENRY throws the film but GUS catches it instead.

SHAWN:
That's how we roll.

SHAWN attempts to slide across the hood on his butt in a cool 70s move but fails. He pushes himself to the other side and stands, clearing his throat.

SHAWN:
(gets into the car) Gonna need a tetanus shot.

EXT. STREET, DAY

HENRY exits the store with the envelope of developed photos.

HENRY:
Got it. Miracle anything came out.

SHAWN takes the envelope and opens it as HENRY leans against the car. GUS is wiping it down with a cloth. Some of the photos are double-exposed and some have the “burned” effect. Most seem to be of Franks posing with the car.

SHAWN:
Whoa, this guy really loved his car, huh?

GUS:
After seeing it all cleaned up, I like it too. In fact, I love it.

SHAWN finds a picture of Franks with another man and woman in militia gear posing with rifles.

SHAWN:
Bingo! You think these two other ones could have had something to do with the bombing?

HENRY:
From the AK-47s they're holding, they had something to do with something. I think it's worth checkin' out.

SHAWN:
There's no telling where they are, if they're even still around.

HENRY:
You know, back then, I used to have this snitch working for me. His name was Pookie. Real weasel. The guy would turn on his Siamese twin for a buck. If these two had anything to do with this, Pookie's the guy who would have known.

SHAWN and GUS smile at the name.

SHAWN:
(clears throat) Sorry. What... What was his name?

HENRY:
Pookie.

GUS:
(laughs) Do you know where we can find this...

HENRY:
Pookie.

SHAWN and GUS laugh.

HENRY:
Yeah, his name is... His name is Pookie Wiggington, and I know where to find him. What's so funny?

SHAWN:
(still laughing) Stop, please! Nothing's funny, you just... But you're keepin' it real right now.

GUS:
Right on.

HENRY:
Let's see if we can find Pookie.

SHAWN and GUS bend over laughing.

HENRY:
See if he still remembers the'70s.

EXT. DANCE CLUB, NIGHT

The car pulls into the lot then turns and skids perfectly into a parking space. The three step out of the car somewhat unsteadily. SHAWN grips the door.

SHAWN:
(looks sick) If that had been on purpose, that would have been totally cool.

GUS:
I need to get that power steering fixed. Not to mention the seat is jammed all the way to the front and makes my entire left side fall asleep. (walks like 70s cool)

They walk to the entrance of the club.

INT. DANCE CLUB, NIGHT

The club is decorated like the 70s and disco is playing. Everyone is dressed like the 70s as well.

DJ:
And remember, tomorrow night will be Ladies' Night at the Top Flight Dance Club, where it's the'70s every night!

SHAWN:
Don't worry! I think Pookie remembers the'70s just fine. By the way, I'm just puttin' this out there. Once we re-solve this case, preserve your legacy as a detective, you don't have to say thank you. No biggie.

HENRY:
Course it is. Heck, let me say it right now. Thank you, Gus.

GUS:
You're welcome. (takes off sunglasses)

HENRY:
(sees a black man up by the DJ) That's Pookie. Let's go.

HENRY walks away, and, after a shared glance, SHAWN and GUS follow. They meet up with POOKIE behind a beaded curtain.

POOKIE:
Officer Spencer. Long time no see. What brings you gentlemen to my establishment?

SHAWN:
Well, Mr. Pookie…

GUS laughs.

SHAWN:
As you may have heard, the D.A. recently overturned the conviction on the Eugene Franks bombing case.

POOKIE:
Maybe I heard. Maybe I didn't.

SHAWN:
Right. We're lookin' for information on a few people that might have used to run with old Eugene.

POOKIE:
Sorry. I don't know what you're talkin' about.

HENRY:
All right. I know how this works. Hit the other sock. Give him some money.

POOKIE:
No offense, guys, but I don't need your pocket change.

SHAWN:
(puts hands to his head) Mr. Pookie, I can see two of Eugene's partners in crime, a man and a woman. Dangerous, highly skilled with military weapons, but not U.S. military, smuggled weapons.

POOKIE:
I used to trip like that, always looking for the escape.

HENRY:
Pookie, he's cool. He's... Psychic.

POOKIE:
Really? Then I can dig it. Spiritual.

SHAWN:
Yeah.

POOKIE:
(taps forehead) Third eye.

SHAWN:
(points) That's where it is.

POOKIE:
You guys are deep. Like me. Gimme five.

POOKIE and GUS slap hands.

POOKIE:
So, listen, you were dead on it. Check this out. The cats you were describing ran with Eugene, all right. There were two of 'em. Derek Ford, white guy, stringy hair, and his old lady Melanie, really fine. I got shot over a white girl like that once. Anyway, they were together in a militant organization with Eugene called S.A.G., Soldiers Against Government. They were into all kind of radical stuff.

SHAWN:
Why would Eugene go all those years and not rat them out?

POOKIE:
Word on the street was that SAG was ruthless. Nobody dared cross them, not even one of their own.

HENRY walks away from the table, dejected.

SHAWN:
So, Eugene was just a patsy?

POOKIE:
You didn't hear it from me. No, them suckers are dangerous!

SHAWN sighs as he walks over to HENRY who is leaning on another table.

HENRY:
He had partners. My biggest bust, and I was wrong.

SHAWN makes to put a hand on HENRY’S shoulder, but his father waves him off and he rubs his head instead.

EXT. SBPD, DAY

A disheveled LASSITER slams the car door shut and turns to face an equally disheveled JULIET.

LASSITER:
Everything hurts.

JULIET:
(rubs her upper arm) You had to be a tough guy and go in first. Let's just fill out the incident report and be done with this fiasco. Ow.

INT. SBPD, DAY

LASSITER and JULIET trudge into the station. BUZZ spots them.

BUZZ:
(walks with them) What happened to you guys?

LASSITER:
The diamond smuggling case that Detective O’Hara wanted to take didn't go quite as planned.

JULIET:
That I wanted to take? You're the one who insisted on it, Mr. Head Detective.

LASSITER:
(sighs) Basically, we conducted a stake out to catch the smugglers red-handed, but when we opened the cargo container to seize the evidence, we discovered we had the wrong one.

JULIET:
This one belonged to exotic animal smugglers, and it was filled with wild marmosets.

LASSITER:
I hate marmosets.

JULIET:
Apparently, they don't like being shot at.

LASSITER:
No, apparently not.

JULIET:
All I can remember after that are hundreds of those tiny, razor-sharp claws and teeth!

LASSITER:
Lower primate, my ass. I recognize a military formation when I see one.

BUZZ:
You'll be happy to know that case you gave me took a fun turn.

LASSITER:
(sarcastically) That's great!

LASSITER and JULIET walk around either side of BUZZ.

BUZZ:
It turns out that plastics factory was a front for real-life sea pirates. (grins and walks away)

LASSITER and JULIET stop and turn around.

JULIET:
You're kidding.

BUZZ:
No. They've been using high-tech boats and GPS to rob freighters in the shipping lanes. Now, I'm teaming up with the Coast Guard for a showdown off the Santa Barbara coast.

LASSITER:
On the high seas?

BUZZ:
Appears so.

JULIET and LASSITER exchange a look.

LASSITER:
Aw, gosh! I'm sorry, Buzz, but... you need a certain level of clearance to work with the Coast Guard. It's... It's department rules. (slaps BUZZ lightly on the arm)

BUZZ:
Really?

JULIET:
Yeah. Yeah, I'm afraid we're gonna have to take over from here. But good work on getting us to this point.

BUZZ:
Oh. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

JULIET:
Yeah.

LASSITER:
(takes file from BUZZ) Yeah. Good work, buddy.

LASSITER and JULIET walk away from BUZZ.

LASSITER:
(whispers) We're gonna capture pirates!

JULIET:
(whispers) I know!

They slap each other’s hand.

JULIET:
Ow!

LASSITER:
Almost makes up for the rabies shots.

JULIET:
Almost.

They walk off in different directions.

EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, YARD, DAY

HENRY is raking as SHAWN watches. They are back in their regular clothes.

HENRY:
Let's face it, Shawn. I blew the case.

SHAWN:
You're quitting on me?

HENRY:
I'm not quitting. I just realized that maybe Chief Vick is right. I should stay out of it.

SHAWN:
Dad, this was your big case.

HENRY:
(laughs) My big case? My big bust? You see, that's the problem right there. That's how I started seeing it. But, in reality, it's a Santa Barbara P.D. case and always has been. (puts down rack)

SHAWN:
You don't believe that.

HENRY:
A good detective knows when to let it go. That's a lesson both you and I could learn right now. (goes inside)

EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, DRIVEWAY, DAY

SHAWN walks around to where GUS is waiting by the car.

GUS:
Where's your dad?

SHAWN:
He's not coming. He says it's to protect the case, but I can tell it's really bumming him out that he got fooled 30 years ago.

They get in the car.

SHAWN:
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but instead of lording over him that this is our case, our rules, I think we have to convince him that we can't solve this thing without him.

GUS:
How do we do that?

SHAWN:
Most likely, through the use of trickery.

INT. CAR, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are driving through a neighborhood, HENRY is in the backseat.

HENRY:
What kind of wood are we gonna use for these bookshelves, Gus?

GUS:
Uh, cypress?

SHAWN:
Cypress? Really?

GUS:
It's a good wood. It's what Noah's ark was made of.

HENRY:
You wanna use something that breathes a little more. But don't worry, we'll hit a lumberyard on the way there. At least I get a chance to use my new laser level.

GUS pulls into the driveway of a typical suburban house.

HENRY:
Gus, why are we stopping here?

GUS:
No reason. I just randomly selected this spot.

HENRY:
Don't be a smart-ass. You're reading an address of a piece of paper, we're sitting in somebody's driveway. Whose house is this?

An SUV drives slowly up the road as they talk.

SHAWN:
Okay, look, Dad. Actually, we're dropping in on some people that we know.

They hear screeching tires and look to see the SUV pulling away.

GUS:
Shawn, I think that's them!

HENRY:
What the hell is going on?

SHAWN:
Don't lose 'em! Go! Go, go, go! Come on!

GUS reverses and turns out of the driveway, losing a hubcap as he does. They chase the other car through the neighborhood until GUS blocks the road with the car.

GUS:
So, what do we do now?

SHAWN:
I don't know. I've never cornered anyone before.

EXT. STREET, DAY

SHAWN and GUS get out of the car. GUS has the laser level in his hand.

SHAWN:
Whoo! You better hope they're not uneven in there.

They approach the other car.

GUS:
I'm gonna blind 'em with the laser, Shawn.

SHAWN leans forward to tap on the passenger window the backs away quickly. GUS raises the laser. The window rolls down and we see an older couple – 50s or 60s.

WOMAN:
May we help you?

SHAWN:
(approaches car) Derek and Melanie Ford? Or should I say, "Soldiers Against Government"?

INT. FORD HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY

MELANIE is chopping vegetables. DEREK gets SHAWN and GUS something to drink.

DEREK:
You sure your father doesn't want to come inside?

Through a window we see HENRY leaning against the car in the driveway.

SHAWN:
Oh, no, no, no. He's clinically insane and a biter.

DEREK:
Sorry again about running from you guys. But when we saw the Mercury Cougar in the driveway, we just figured it was Eugene coming after us for revenge.

GUS:
Revenge for what?

DEREK:
He thinks that we set him up to take the rap for the police headquarters bombing.

MELANIE:
We know he's been asking around town about us, trying to figure out our whereabouts. We thought he'd finally found us.

SHAWN:
Well, don't you worry about that. You help us with this investigation, we will make sure the police protect you from your old pal.

DEREK:
Thank you.

MELANIE:
Tell him everything, honey.

DEREK:
After Eugene got arrested 30 years ago, we freaked out, and we stopped our radical ways.

MELANIE:
We became Soldiers for Government and we built this great life.

DEREK:
You have to believe us. We had nothing to do with setting Eugene up. I mean, we were all brainwashed. We were all caught up in the movement.

GUS:
Do you know of anyone else who would have wanted to set him up?

We hear the knife slice and MELANIE cries out.

MELANIE:
Oh! (pinches her finger and sucks on it)

DEREK:
Honey, are you okay?

MELANIE:
Mmm. Oh, yeah. Oh! I cut myself pretty good. I, uh, excuse me. I'm gonna have to go put something on this. (leaves)

SHAWN sees some mail on the counter and one envelope has the same logo as the decal on Eugene’s car.

DEREK:
I’m sorry.

SHAWN:
We should get going.

DEREK:
Oh, no!

SHAWN:
No. no, no. Thank you for your cooperation. (shakes DEREK’S hand) And rest assured, Eugene will not learn of your whereabouts. Thanks again.

DEREK:
Yes.

GUS shakes DEREK’S hand on his way out.

SHAWN:
(calls) Hope your finger feels better!

MELANIE:
(calls) Thank you!

SHAWN and GUS leave.

EXT. DRIVEWAY, DAY

SHAWN:
Good news, Pop! The trail is hot again.

HENRY:
Like I said, count me out.

GUS gets in the car.

SHAWN:
Damn it, Dad! Do you have to be so prideful all the time? So, you made a mistake 30 years ago. Nobody cares. Just get over it.

GUS gets out of the car.

HENRY:
Not everybody's as comfortable screwin' up as you are, kid.

SHAWN:
I'm comfortable 'cos my mistakes were the only thing that was ever pointed out to me.

SHAWN starts to get in the car, but HENRY pulls him back. GUS gets into the car again. GUS gets out again.

HENRY:
Here we go, here we go. Would you put away the violin? I pointed out the good stuff, Shawn, but usually, you were too busy bragging and showing off to take notice.

GUS:
Enough! I'm sick of you two fighting all the time! Listen, Mr. Spencer, Shawn needs you on the case because, frankly, you're old, and we were barely even alive during the'70s. And Shawn, your dad needs you on the case because even though you can be annoying, you actually have a brilliant idea every now and then. But you're both too damn stubborn to admit you need each other. Now can we go, please? Thank you. (gets in the car and slams the door)

HENRY:
Is he always such a know-it-all?

SHAWN:
You don't know the half of it. Very preachy.

LATER…

INT. CAR, DAY

HENRY:
So, tell me what you have.

SHAWN:
I think there's another SAG member out there.

GUS:
How do you know that?

SHAWN:
Did you see Melanie when we asked her if there was anyone else who'd want to set up Eugene? She cut herself right there, right there on the spot.

HENRY:
Yeah, no, no. Maybe they were telling you what they wanted you to know, not what you needed to know.

SHAWN:
I think they're protecting somebody from Eugene.

GUS:
But there were only three people in the picture.

SHAWN:
No, there was four. The three of them and whoever took the picture.

HENRY:
Maybe they're protecting an old mentor.

SHAWN:
I'm pretty sure that Eugene met Derek and Melanie when they were all students at Santa Barbara University. Let's see if they shared any professors or advisors or RAs. RA, that's a thing, right?

GUS:
It is.

SHAWN:
Okay, let's do this. Back to undercover.

EXT, SBU, COURTYARD, DAY

They are back in their 70s clothes. SHAWN is on the phone.

SHAWN:
Got it. Thank you, Jules. (closes phone and they walk towards entrance) All right, according to Juliet, University records show that our SAG members only shared one professor, and that is Dr. Richard Colbert.

INT. SBU, HALL, DAY

They enter the hall and spot Colbert’s office.

SHAWN:
(knocks) Doctor Colbert?

SHAWN tries the door and it’s unlocked. They go inside.

INT. SBU, COLBERT’S OFFICE, DAY

They walk past a bulletin board and some file cabinets. SHAWN tries a drawer but it’s locked. They stop, and, in unison, remove their sunglasses. Colbert is dead on the floor. SHAWN spots something up one of his nostrils and sees a cloth on a counter.

SHAWN:
I think Eugene got here before we did.

EXT, SBU, COURTYARD, DAY

BUZZ greets LASSITER and JULIET as they arrive on scene.

BUZZ:
I've been waiting for you guys.

LASSITER:
Yeah, we got your call when we were out on the open ocean chasing down our sea pirates at flank. That's a nautical term for maximum speed.

JULIET:
We cordoned the private vessel before they could club haul, that's the nautical term for evasive maneuver, and make it to international waters.

BUZZ:
That sounds awesome. What do modern-day sea pirates look like?

JULIET:
We have no idea. Apparently, once you get three miles out, it's out of our jurisdiction, so the coast guard has us sequestered to a tiny, windowless cabin on the lubber deck.

LASSITER:
Yeah, apparently that's a nautical term for “place they send you to puke”.

JULIET:
Had to wash my hair three times.

LASSITER:
Still sorry about that.

JULIET:
Let's do this.

They enter the building.

INT. SBU, COLBERT’S OFFICE, DAY

Forensics are already there going over the scene.

JULIET:
So, what do we have here?

BUZZ:
The deceased is one Dr. Richard Colbert. Male, 60 years old, professor of chemistry. Apparently, he died from a lab accident involving poisonous hydrochloric acid fumes.

SHAWN and GUS enter as BUZZ is talking.

LASSITER:
When will people ever learn that alcohol and hydrochloric acid don't mix?

GUS:
Technically, they do. See, the hydrogen atoms in the acid form a loose bond with the chlorine...

LASSITER:
What the hell are you wearing?

SHAWN:
Ooooh! I'm gettin' some serious jive, and it is fly.

GUS makes a buzzing sound. Behind BUZZ, we can see HENRY through a window in the hall.

SHAWN:
I can see the struggle. There's a rag on Colbert's face. It was him who masterminded the bombing, 30 years ago. He set Eugene up. And Eugene has murdered him in revenge.

As SHAWN is talking, HENRY looks at the bottles of chemicals and remembers the night of the bust. He waves his hat to get SHAWN’S attention.

SHAWN:
But wait, there's more! Ooh! Yeah, the feel is strong. (walks over to the counter near HENRY) Oooh! I am gettin' it! And it is a bad mother...

GUS:
Shut your mouth!

SHAWN:
I'm havin' a vision.

GUS:
I can dig it.

SHAWN turns to watch HENRY and tries to guess what he’s saying with hand motions like a horrible game of charades.

SHAWN:
Ooh! It's a… It’s a big birthday cake!

GUS:
Ooh! Make a wish! What?

SHAWN:
Bomb. Eugene's built another bomb! He built it here in the lab! That's how he's gonna exact his revenge on the remaining members of SAG! We've gotta stop him now!

Nobody moves.

SHAWN:
That…That's all I got. The jive's over. We should go before people explode.

Everybody runs out.

EXT. STREET, DAY

A black-and-white patrol car races down the road, siren on, followed by LASSITER’S car and then GUS’ car. They stop in front of the Fords’ house. Two cars are already there.

EXT. DRIVEWAY, DAY

As the new arrivals get out of their respective cars, two officers bring EUGENE around from the backyard. One is carrying a bag.

OFFICER:
Found him lookin' around out back. Must have hidden this under the house. (hands LASSITER the bag)

LASSITER:
(opens the bag) We got a bomb! (puts bag on the ground) Which... hasn't been activated.

EUGENE sighs.

LASSITER:
(to OFFICER) Call the bomb squad.

The OFFICER walks away, talking into his radio.

LASSITER:
Eugene, looks like you've been up to your old tricks.

EUGENE:
(scoffs) I'm only here because they called me saying they were finally ready to come clean.

The Fords are clinging to each other, watching the proceedings. The OFFICER returns and takes up his position at EUGENE’S side.

LASSITER:
Invited guests don't go snoopin' around the back, do they?

EUGENE:
I was just checking to see if anybody was home. I swear!

LASSITER:
Save it for the trial. You're under arrest for the murder of Richard Colbert.

The officers start to lead EUGENE away.

EUGENE:
Wait, wait! Colbert's dead?

LASSITER:
And the attempted murder of Derek and Melanie Ford.

DEREK:
Thank God, you stopped him in time.

SHAWN sees MELANIE place her hand on DEREK’S shoulder and her finger is perfectly fine, not bandaged like it should have been.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. FORD HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY

MELANIE:
I cut myself pretty good. I, uh, excuse me. I'm gonna have to go put something on this.

INT. CAR, DAY

HENRY:
Maybe they were telling you what they wanted you to know, not what you needed to know.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

It falls into place for SHAWN.

SHAWN:
Whoa. (taps GUS on the chest before approaching the Fords) Lies! Lies! Lies! Lies! Yeah! You two. You were two young kids in way over your head with the militant SAG so you used Eugene as a scapegoat, didn't you? Set him up to take the fall for the police headquarters bombing so you could make a clean break. But then you heard he got out early, and you were afraid he'd come track you down and expose your criminal past.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. FORD HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY

MELANIE:
We know he's been asking around town about us, trying to figure out our whereabouts. We thought he'd finally found us.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

SHAWN:
Because of the four members of SAG, only two of you are doin' okay for yourselves. Eugene has lost 30 years, and he will be marked as a criminal forever. And Dr. Colbert, his drinking destroyed his career. But you two, your life is picture-perfect. And you would kill to protect it. First, it was Dr. Colbert. His guilt-ridden conscience and drunk mouth would cause him to confess everything to Eugene. And then the plan was simple. Frame Eugene for that murder, and then blow Eugene up right along with all the traces to your past so you could move on to a very bright, white pickety future.

MELANIE:
That's a preposterous theory. Preposterous!

DEREK:
You have no proof.

SHAWN:
Oh, really? What if I did somethin' like this? (presses a few buttons and activates bomb)

LASSITER:
Spencer, what did you just do?

SHAWN:
In exactly one minute, we will all be blown to smithereens or the people responsible for making that bomb will deactivate it.

DEREK:
Don't look at me. He's crazy.

EUGENE:
Yeah, I don't know how to do it either.

LASSITER:
I demand that someone disarm this bomb right now!

GUS runs away. Officers clear the area of spectators. Everyone looks at the bomb as the seconds tick away. SHAWN looks up calmly from his watch to DEREK who breaks and stops the bomb. There are four seconds left. SHAWN leans against one of the cars.

LASSITER:
Arrest them.

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<b?officer>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<lj-cut text="I'm gettin' some serious jive, and it is fly.">

INT. APARTMENT, NIGHT

1978. A MAN is building a bomb using an alarm clock. He places it carefully into a zippered bag.

EXT. APARTMENT, NIGHT

Sgt. HENRY Spencer listens at the door before motioning to his fellow officers.

HENRY:
Okay, come on. Move it out.

One of the officers uses a small ram to smash the door open.

INT. APARTMENT, NIGHT

The MAN gets to his feet and finishes putting the bomb in the bag just as HENRY enters, gun drawn.

HENRY:
Listen, Franks...

FRANKS hugs the bomb to his chest. HENRY sees the bottles of chemicals on the table.

HENRY:
You have the right not to get shot. Make the wrong move, you lose that right. Put down the bomb.

FRANKS puts down the bomb and raises his hands.

HENRY:
Good move.

EXT. SBPD, DAY

A press conference is being held by the CHIEF. HENRY is standing near the podium.

CHIEF:
We recently obtained intelligence of a bomb plot by an anti-government radical. His intended target was this very building. We owe the success of this investigation and, indeed, our very lives to Sergeant Henry Spencer.

There is applause and choruses of “Well done” and “Good job”.

CHIEF:
Sergeant Spencer, would you like to say a few words?

HENRY:
No, thanks, Chief. A police officer doesn't deserve any special attention for just doin' his job.

PRESENT DAY

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS enter with a WOMAN who is carrying a notepad.

SHAWN:
You may be able to sense the electricity in the room. That's because our arrival usually signals that a huge case is going down.

VICK is standing in the doorway to her office.

VICK:
Step in here please, gentlemen.

SHAWN:
That's the Chief. She likes the two of us very much.

LASSITER and JULIET are already in the office. VICK sees the WOMAN.

VICK:
I'm sorry, you are?

SHAWN:
Oh, sorry, Chief. I got roped into doing a silly interview
with The Independent. They've been calling and begging for weeks, and I finally relented.

WOMAN:
But... you called me.

SHAWN:
And you called me back, which means we're both right. The important thing is that you got your cover story.

WOMAN:
Actually, this is page 64.

SHAWN:
It really depends on how you fold it, doesn't it?

VICK:
She can't be in here, so get her the hell out.

GUS and VICK go into the office while SHAWN walks the WOMAN around to a different wall.

SHAWN:
Come to think of it, I think you'll probably get a better shot here through this window. Now, try to catch me with a good expression, preferably with this eyebrow raised... like so. Or my serious face. Best-case scenario, snap a shot when my signature look comes up. I call it Señor Gotcha!

WOMAN:
How will I know what that is?

SHAWN:
You'll know. Good luck. We're all counting on you. (leaves)

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN enters with a sigh.

SHAWN:
Lassie, you're here! I need you...here. (moves LASSITER aside and pulls up the blind so the WOMAN can see) Thank you. (goes over to VICK) Chief, what's up?

VICK:
Mr. Spencer, as you may be aware, a Cal...

SHAWN strikes a pose, putting his foot up on a chair.

VICK:
California prisoner's advocacy... Are you okay?

SHAWN:
Right as rain. (turns and poses for the camera)

VICK:
Long story short, a handful of convictions, some of them decades old, have been recently called into question.

JULIET:
Unfortunately, the biggest one was a Santa Barbara P.D. conviction. (hands VICK the file)

VICK:
So we're reopening the case and launching a new investigation. Now we're hiring y...

SHAWN hits some modeling poses.

VICK:
You to provide us with any psychic leads that you may have. Now, normally, we don't devote department resources to this, but these are... special circumstances. (hands SHAWN the file)

SHAWN:
Could you do the handoff again, Chief?
SHAWN forces VICK to take it again and then he turns to face the WOMAN who snaps a picture.

SHAWN:
Thanks. (opens and reads the file) Oh, no.

GUS:
What is it?

SHAWN:
It's my dad's biggest case.

SHAWN makes an “ugh” face and the WOMAN snaps a photo and gives a thumbs up. SHAWN shakes his head.

<center>**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“Disco Didn’t Die, It Was Murdered”
By
Saladin K. Patterson

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Mel Damski

**********************************************************************</center>

EXT. SBPD, DAY

VICK walks down the stairs with SHAWN and GUS.

VICK:
It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?

SHAWN:
Yes, you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say, "it goes without saying," yet still feel compelled to say the thing supposed to go without saying. Doesn't that bother you?

VICK:
No. And frankly, I could care less.

GUS:
Now, that's the one that bothers me. Why do people say, "I could care less" when they mean "I couldn't care less"?

VICK:
Why don't you tell me how to properly say this: if you share any official information about this case with your father or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for. And I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.

GUS:
You split an infinitive.

SHAWN:
Good catch, Gus.

VICK:
You two realize I carry a gun, right?

GUS:
That was perfectly elocuted.

After a look from VICK, they leave.

INT. PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk in the front door.

SHAWN:
My dad's gonna freak when he sees this. We have to go into stealth mode. No taking his calls. This won't hit the news till tomorrow. That should give us a 24-hour head start.

HENRY is at the fridge in the main office.

HENRY:
Hand it over.

SHAWN:
Dad, how did you get in here?

HENRY:
The unlatched window? The unlocked back door? Maybe this key that I made? You choose one.

SHAWN:
What do you want?

HENRY:
I dropped by to share my new chocolate chip raisin bread recipe with you, Shawn. What do you think? I know Chief Vick just gave you the new Franks case. Why don't you let me take a look at what you're hiding in that folder so I can get moving on this?

SHAWN holds the folder behind him.

SHAWN:
Okay, you're right. Chief Vick did just hire us. But there is no way…

GUS:
Nope.

SHAWN:
…that I'm showing you what's in this folder.

HENRY:
You're lucky I'm asking you. I could do this the simple way. I could grab it, clean up any evidence of struggle before you and your friend knew what hit you.

SHAWN:
In some states, that's child abuse.

GUS:
I think all of them.

SHAWN:
Look, Chief Vick made it clear that you, specifically, were to come nowhere near this case.

HENRY:
This shouldn't even be a case. The son of a bitch was let out on some microcrap problem with my search warrant.

GUS:
Everybody makes mistakes.

HENRY:
(angrily) There was no mistake! (points at GUS)

SHAWN:
Whoa.

SHAWN at GUS sit at their respective desks.

HENRY:
It was the 70's. We did what we had to do. But only when we knew we had the right guy, and I got the right guy. Period.

SHAWN:
Okay. You got the right guy. Still doesn't mean I'm gonna put you on this case. Nor would I even want to. Dad, you have no idea how Gus and I roll... Gus, tell him.

HENRY:
You know what? You go ahead and handle this half-assed like you do everything else. But you bear this in mind. (to GUS) This case is important to a lot of people who could have died if he had blown up our headquarters. (to SHAWN) It should be important to their family members too. (leaves)

SHAWN:
Whoa. (puts file in drawer) Never seen my dad beg before.

GUS:
That's how he begs?

SHAWN:
He's clearly not gonna let this go. So, look, if we're gonna investigate this thing undisturbed, we're gonna have to jump a few steps, fill in the blanks when we're done. We should go straight to the D.A.'s office.

INT. DA’S OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS sit down on either side of a man reading a newspaper.

HENRY:
Beat you by eight minutes. (lowers paper) Not too embarrassing.

SHAWN and GUS stand quickly.

SHAWN:
Dad, I knew you would come and try to investigate this on your own. Do you have any idea how dangerous this is?

HENRY:
Why? I'm a tax-paying, voting citizen. Therefore, I have a right to speak to any elected official, such as the D.A., I please.

SHAWN:
You don't have to be a tax-paying, voting citizen, do you?

RECEPTIONIST:
May I help you?

The three of them hurry over to the booth.

SHAWN:
Yes. My name is Shawn Spencer. I am the head psychic for the Santa Barbara Police Department. And that is my partner...

HENRY:
Yeah, yeah, that's his partner, Methuselah Honeysuckle, which makes me Old Scratch Johnson. We need to see copies of the original court transcripts for the Eugene Franks case.

RECEPTIONIST:
I'm not sure I can release those.

SHAWN sees a photo of the man with his wife and baby, a selection of paint slips and a boxed Louisville Slugger.

SHAWN:
I'm getting a very soft, cuddly vibe here. It seems like you and your wife are...

HENRY:
They're gonna have another kid. It's a boy. Congratulations. Do yourselves a favor. Don't call it Shawn. Problems. More importantly, according to the Freedom of Information Act, those transcripts are available for viewing. So...

RECEPTIONIST:
Very well. Good point. I'll have our records department make copies.

SHAWN:
Thank you very much.

The RECEPTIONIST takes off his headset and leaves.

SHAWN:
You know, you're putting a damper on the proceedings.

HENRY:
You call it a damper. I call it working…

SHAWN pulls HENRY away from the booth.

SHAWN:
All right, that's it. Come here. All right, I need you to hear me, okay? If you insist on staying involved in this case, there are going to be rules. I was hired by the police department, therefore, it is my ass on the line, and those rules will be made by me. You are no longer a cop. And unless you plan on going back to the Academy climbing the wall, doing the obstacle course where you shoot the bad guys, but not the lady with the sack or the guy with the cane or the squirrel with the tail and the big, fat nut... That started off well.

GUS:
It really fell apart at the end. You should have had a name for the wall or something.

SHAWN:
What I'm saying is that you need to listen to me, is what I'm saying.

HENRY:
All right, Shawn. Point taken. You got a deal. (walks past SHAWN to the door)

SHAWN:
(calls after HENRY) That means you're workin' for me now. Why don't you grab some coffee for us? Black.

HENRY’S already out the door.

GUS:
Two sugars.

SHAWN:
(calls) Two sugars!

INT. PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN and HENRY are sitting at his desk looking over the documents of the Franks case.

SHAWN:
I don't understand... You guys had to handwrite everything? What if you need multiple copies?

GUS sits on the corner of his own desk.

HENRY:
Well, we had one computer, but it took up the entire second floor. Generally, we would use the mimeo machine. (looks at the document in SHAWN’S hand)

SHAWN:
How long did that take, a week?

HENRY:
All the high-tech fancy gadgets they use today don't solve crimes any better than we did. A good detective is born with all the tools he needs right here. (points to his forehead)

The office phone rings and SHAWN looks at the caller ID before answering.

SHAWN:
Hello. Chief, what's the good w... My dad, down at the D.A.'s office? (looks at HENRY who waves his hands in the negative) No, I-I don't think so. I think I can clear this up for ya, Chief. That wasn't my dad. That was Phil Collins. We saw Phil down at the courthouse. My dad gets mistaken for him all the time.

HENRY:
(whispers) I don't look... Shawn, I don't look anything like Phil Collins.

SHAWN and GUS both shush him.

SHAWN:
No, I'm... I'm fairly certain about this, Chief. He was humming “Invisible Touch”, if that helps you. No, I- I wasn't aware that Phil Collins lives in Switzerland. (covers the phone and talks to GUS) How does she know so much about Phil Collins?

GUS:
I don't know.

SHAWN:
Yes. I do hear you. I will make sure he stays away. (ends call) Love you too. (slams phone into stand) Do you see? Do you see? We have to be more careful…

HENRY:
Okay, hot shot! All right, I get it. Tell me what you can glean from this. (puts paper on the desk in front of him)

SHAWN:
You'd like to know what I can glean?

HENRY:
Glean.

SHAWN looks at the paper and sees only “Exhibit A” listed.

SHAWN:
The D.A. arrested after only submitting the initial evidence?

HENRY:
Correct-a-mundo. The evidence I uncovered in that department was so strong, the D.A. didn't need anything else to get a conviction.

GUS:
But all the evidence is poisonous fruit because of the search warrant.

HENRY:
This evidence, yes. Good thing I got a different warrant for the second round and the D.A. didn't submit any of that stuff which means we can use that now. All the high-tech gadgets in the world won't tell you that, will it?

SHAWN:
(gets a drink from the fridge) We gotta get the Chief to let us into the county archives so we can take a look at that evidence. Gus, gimme your keys.

GUS:
That would be a no. Ogletree's checking my mileage.

HENRY:
We'll take my truck. (stands)

SHAWN:
No, we won't. That raises the chances of you being seen again. We'll have to take my motorcycle. I've always wanted to try threesies. Who wants the handlebars? Gus? Feels like you.

GUS:
No.

HENRY:
Yeah, that shouldn't draw any attention. We'll cab it.

SHAWN:
Fine. It's funny. It's usually me who can't show my face in public.

INT. EVIDENCE LOCKUP, DAY

SHAWN, GUS and HENRY are looking at some boxes on a table.

GUS:
Just think, the contents inside these boxes could determine whether someone spends the rest of their life in jail.

SHAWN:
Catch.

SHAWN throws a hammer at GUS who catches it.

SHAWN:
Better hope they don't reopen the Handyman Killer case. Your fingerprints are all over the murder weapon.

GUS:
(drops the hammer) That's not funny, Shawn!

SHAWN:
Dude, I'm kidding. It's not really evidence. It was just lying here. (flips through a notebook)

GUS:
Well, stop it. You know I'm afraid that being wrongfully convicted is the tragic way my story ends.

HENRY:
(brings over a box) Would you two girls stop bitching and see what we got here?

SHAWN:
What is this stuff?

HENRY:
Various possessions, personal effects of Eugene's we found after he was arrested. (opens box) All right, what do we got here? Pawn ticket made out to Eugene a few days before he was arrested.

SHAWN:
(reads ticket) "Goldstein's Pawn". Anybody?

GUS:
Wait. That place is still around.

HENRY:
Desperate people pawn things. Let's see what Eugene pawned and never got back, huh?

SHAWN pulls the ticket out of HENRY’S hands.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

VICK is standing in front of JULIET and LASSITER.

VICK:
Two new cases just came in. One involves an international diamond smuggling ring.

LASSITER:
Sweet!

JULIET:
Bingo!

VICK:
The other involves fraudulent permits at a plastics factory.

JULIET and LASSITER groan and make faces.

VICK:
Well, I'll leave it up to the two of you to decide who gets which. (hands them each a file and leaves)

LASSITER:
(turns to JULIET) I am the head detective.

JULIET:
(faces LASSITER) Who owes me. I covered your butt on last month's paperwork.

LASSITER:
Damn it. (looks around and sees BUZZ) Follow my lead. McNab! Get over here!

BUZZ walks over.

LASSITER:
I don't know, O’Hara. I don't think he's ready.

JULIET:
Yeah, I... I don't think he is either.

BUZZ:
No. I'm ready.

LASSITER:
All right. McNab, how would you like to do some real police work?

BUZZ:
I'd love to.

LASSITER:
Now, technically, you'll be working under Detective O’Hara and myself, but we'll let you take the lead on this. (gives BUZZ a file)

JULIET:
It will be such a good experience for you. It might even earn you a spot on the detective bureau someday.

BUZZ stands a little straighter and looks over at LASSITER who shrugs.

BUZZ:
Wow! Thanks, guys. This means a lot. The fact that you think so highly of me to trust me...

LASSITER:
Yeah, yeah, we love you. Get back to work.

BUZZ smiles and walks away. LASSITER and JULIET look knowingly at each other.

INT. PAWN SHOP, DAY

HENRY, SHAWN and GUS stand at the counter as GOLDSTEIN reads the ticket.

GOLDSTEIN:
This ticket is from 30 years ago when my dad ran the shop. I'll have to go look through the box. (walks to shelves)

SHAWN:
The box? What do you think the box is? A giant room like in “Raiders”?

GUS:
I think it's a box.

SHAWN:
Secret catacombs underneath the building like in “National Treasure”?

GUS:
Shame on you for knowing that.

GOLDSTEIN:
(returns with box) This is where we keep all the old unclaimed stuff from over the years.

GUS:
As I said, a box.

SHAWN:
What do you think's inside the box?

GUS:
Will you calm down?

SHAWN:
I can't, man! There's stuff in there! All kinds of stuff, old stuff, shiny stuff, secret stuff... How come you're not as excited as me?

GUS:
Because I'm not a raccoon.

SHAWN:
You look like a raccoon.

GOLDSTEIN:
Hey, you're in luck. This ticket here matches this old receipt. Not a lot of info on it, I'm afraid.

SHAWN takes the receipt and reads a long number.

HENRY:
I know what that...

SHAWN:
Sshh, let me get it.

HENRY:
Right. Your case.

SHAWN:
Oh, I'm getting something here. Oh, this is intense. I can see Eugene. He's desperate, he's sweating nervously, he's stinky! He wants to get rid of something, cover his tracks, hide where he's been. So, he brings in the title to his car! That must be the Vehicle Identification Number right in there.

HENRY:
(whispers) Right. Whose benefit was that for?

SHAWN:
(whispers) Don't ever question my methods in front of a civilian. OK? Never do that.

HENRY:
Come here.

HENRY pushes SHAWN and GUS over to an area of the shop away from the counter.

HENRY:
I always thought that Eugene was gonna use the car in a bomb plot. That was a common M.O. back then. He probably pawned the title to cover his tracks.

GOLDSTEIN:
If nobody reclaimed the title, we would have sold it.

The trio goes into a tight huddle.

GUS:
We could use the VIN number to track where it ended up.

SHAWN:
That could take us all over the city or the state, for that matter, thus increasing the chances that you'll be seen by someone you work with and you being caught by the police.

They all sigh in frustration. SHAWN looks around the shop.

SHAWN:
Unless... (goes to a rack of clothes and pulls out a pair of pants) Nobody recognizes us.

EXT. PAWN SHOP, DAY

HENRY, GUS and SHAWN exit wearing 70s outfits. They walk down the street.

GUS:
I feel ridiculous.

HENRY:
Speak for yourself. I've got this shirt at home. His mother used to love it.

GUS:
Yeah, like 30 years ago.

HENRY:
Kid, I wore it to lunch last week.

EXT. USED CAR LOT, DAY

HENRY spots the car.

HENRY:
There it is.

MAN:
It's been sittin' in some old lady's backyard for dang near 30 years.

HENRY:
You got the keys? Let's take a look inside.

MAN:
Make me an offer and it's yours.

HENRY:
You gotta be kiddin'.

The MAN holds his arms out in an extended shrug.

SHAWN:
Just... give us a second here. (pulls the others away for a sidebar) How much money do we have between us?

HENRY:
What? (pulls out wallet) I think I got about... 50 bucks.

GUS:
I got about $400 between my wallet and my sock. (pulls money from sock) It's my "just in case" money.

SHAWN:
All right. (takes their money) Add in what I have, and we've got about... (pretends to add) $450.

HENRY:
(reaches for money) All right, let me go talk to him.

SHAWN:
Uh, uh, uh. You stand down, Popeye Doyle. I'll handle this. (walks over to MAN) Got about $450 here. Now, how much is this gonna cost me?

MAN:
$450.

SHAWN:
Done.

SHAWN slaps the money into the MAN’S hand. The MAN walks away and SHAWN turns to the others with a laugh.

SHAWN:
He's good!

GUS:
Nice goin', Shawn. That was all of our money.

HENRY:
That's what happens when you send in the one guy who's never bought a car before.

SHAWN:
We had exactly enough.

GUS opens the driver’s door while HENRY walks around to the passenger side.

HENRY:
All right, look at it this way, Gus. It isn't a car, it's a time machine. (starts looking in the back seat) This little kitty's gonna tell us about Eugene 30 years ago.

GUS:
Well, looks like a car to me. And if I bought it, I'm drivin' it. That means my same car rules apply. (sits in driver’s seat) Wipe your shoes before entering. No slamming doors. (adjusts the seat) No food. (the seat lies back flat)

SHAWN grunts as he tries to open the hood. He gives up and wipes his hands together.

SHAWN:
Looks good up here.

SHAWN then spots a partial faded decal in the corner of the windshield. It looks like a stylized rearing horse.

INT. CAR, DAY

HENRY pulls down the back seat to reveal a welded panel. He sees a join at the top.

HENRY:
Doesn't look like factory soldering. (pulls down the panel to reveal a cubby) Smuggler's hatch. (picks up old roll of film and laughs)

EXT. USED CAR LOT, DAY

HENRY stands and holds up the film.

HENRY:
Gotta get this down to the crime lab.

SHAWN:
Uh, uh, uh.

HENRY:
Let me guess. This is where we take one step back before involving the police.

SHAWN:
We need to see what's on that film first. (holds up his right hand)

HENRY throws the film but GUS catches it instead.

SHAWN:
That's how we roll.

SHAWN attempts to slide across the hood on his butt in a cool 70s move but fails. He pushes himself to the other side and stands, clearing his throat. 

SHAWN:
(gets into the car) Gonna need a tetanus shot.

EXT. STREET, DAY

HENRY exits the store with the envelope of developed photos.

HENRY:
Got it. Miracle anything came out.

SHAWN takes the envelope and opens it as HENRY leans against the car. GUS is wiping it down with a cloth. Some of the photos are double-exposed and some have the “burned” effect. Most seem to be of Franks posing with the car.

SHAWN:
Whoa, this guy really loved his car, huh?

GUS:
After seeing it all cleaned up, I like it too. In fact, I love it.

SHAWN finds a picture of Franks with another man and woman in militia gear posing with rifles.

SHAWN:
Bingo! You think these two other ones could have had something to do with the bombing?

HENRY:
From the AK-47s they're holding, they had something to do with something. I think it's worth checkin' out.

SHAWN:
There's no telling where they are, if they're even still around.

HENRY:
You know, back then, I used to have this snitch working for me. His name was Pookie. Real weasel. The guy would turn on his Siamese twin for a buck. If these two had anything to do with this, Pookie's the guy who would have known.

SHAWN and GUS smile at the name.

SHAWN:
(clears throat) Sorry. What... What was his name?

HENRY:
Pookie.

GUS:
(laughs) Do you know where we can find this...

HENRY:
Pookie.

SHAWN and GUS laugh.

HENRY:
Yeah, his name is... His name is Pookie Wiggington, and I know where to find him. What's so funny?

SHAWN:
(still laughing) Stop, please! Nothing's funny, you just... But you're keepin' it real right now.

GUS:
Right on.

HENRY:
Let's see if we can find Pookie.

SHAWN and GUS bend over laughing.

HENRY:
See if he still remembers the'70s.

EXT. DANCE CLUB, NIGHT

The car pulls into the lot then turns and skids perfectly into a parking space. The three step out of the car somewhat unsteadily. SHAWN grips the door.

SHAWN:
(looks sick) If that had been on purpose, that would have been totally cool.

GUS:
I need to get that power steering fixed. Not to mention the seat is jammed all the way to the front and makes my entire left side fall asleep. (walks like 70s cool)

They walk to the entrance of the club.

INT. DANCE CLUB, NIGHT

The club is decorated like the 70s and disco is playing. Everyone is dressed like the 70s as well.

DJ:
And remember, tomorrow night will be Ladies' Night at the Top Flight Dance Club, where it's the'70s every night!

SHAWN:
Don't worry! I think Pookie remembers the'70s just fine. By the way, I'm just puttin' this out there. Once we re-solve this case, preserve your legacy as a detective, you don't have to say thank you. No biggie.

HENRY:
Course it is. Heck, let me say it right now. Thank you, Gus.

GUS:
You're welcome. (takes off sunglasses)

HENRY:
(sees a black man up by the DJ) That's Pookie. Let's go.

HENRY walks away, and, after a shared glance, SHAWN and GUS follow. They meet up with POOKIE behind a beaded curtain.

POOKIE:
Officer Spencer. Long time no see. What brings you gentlemen to my establishment?

SHAWN:
Well, Mr. Pookie…

GUS laughs.

SHAWN:
As you may have heard, the D.A. recently overturned the conviction on the Eugene Franks bombing case.

POOKIE:
Maybe I heard. Maybe I didn't.

SHAWN:
Right. We're lookin' for information on a few people that might have used to run with old Eugene.

POOKIE:
Sorry. I don't know what you're talkin' about.

HENRY:
All right. I know how this works. Hit the other sock. Give him some money.

POOKIE:
No offense, guys, but I don't need your pocket change.

SHAWN:
(puts hands to his head) Mr. Pookie, I can see two of Eugene's partners in crime, a man and a woman. Dangerous, highly skilled with military weapons, but not U.S. military, smuggled weapons.

POOKIE:
I used to trip like that, always looking for the escape.

HENRY:
Pookie, he's cool. He's... Psychic.

POOKIE:
Really? Then I can dig it. Spiritual.

SHAWN:
Yeah.

POOKIE:
(taps forehead) Third eye.

SHAWN:
(points) That's where it is.

POOKIE:
You guys are deep. Like me. Gimme five.

POOKIE and GUS slap hands.

POOKIE:
So, listen, you were dead on it. Check this out. The cats you were describing ran with Eugene, all right. There were two of 'em. Derek Ford, white guy, stringy hair, and his old lady Melanie, really fine. I got shot over a white girl like that once. Anyway, they were together in a militant organization with Eugene called S.A.G., Soldiers Against Government. They were into all kind of radical stuff.

SHAWN:
Why would Eugene go all those years and not rat them out?

POOKIE:
Word on the street was that SAG was ruthless. Nobody dared cross them, not even one of their own.

HENRY walks away from the table, dejected.

SHAWN:
So, Eugene was just a patsy?

POOKIE:
You didn't hear it from me. No, them suckers are dangerous!

SHAWN sighs as he walks over to HENRY who is leaning on another table.

HENRY:
He had partners. My biggest bust, and I was wrong.

SHAWN makes to put a hand on HENRY’S shoulder, but his father waves him off and he rubs his head instead.

EXT. SBPD, DAY

A disheveled LASSITER slams the car door shut and turns to face an equally disheveled JULIET.

LASSITER:
Everything hurts.

JULIET:
(rubs her upper arm) You had to be a tough guy and go in first. Let's just fill out the incident report and be done with this fiasco. Ow.

INT. SBPD, DAY

LASSITER and JULIET trudge into the station. BUZZ spots them.

BUZZ:
(walks with them) What happened to you guys?

LASSITER:
The diamond smuggling case that Detective O’Hara wanted to take didn't go quite as planned.

JULIET:
That I wanted to take? You're the one who insisted on it, Mr. Head Detective.

LASSITER:
(sighs) Basically, we conducted a stake out to catch the smugglers red-handed, but when we opened the cargo container to seize the evidence, we discovered we had the wrong one.

JULIET:
This one belonged to exotic animal smugglers, and it was filled with wild marmosets.

LASSITER:
I hate marmosets.

JULIET:
Apparently, they don't like being shot at.

LASSITER:
No, apparently not.

JULIET:
All I can remember after that are hundreds of those tiny, razor-sharp claws and teeth!

LASSITER:
Lower primate, my ass. I recognize a military formation when I see one.

BUZZ:
You'll be happy to know that case you gave me took a fun turn.

LASSITER:
(sarcastically) That's great!

LASSITER and JULIET walk around either side of BUZZ.

BUZZ:
It turns out that plastics factory was a front for real-life sea pirates. (grins and walks away)

LASSITER and JULIET stop and turn around.

JULIET:
You're kidding.

BUZZ:
No. They've been using high-tech boats and GPS to rob freighters in the shipping lanes. Now, I'm teaming up with the Coast Guard for a showdown off the Santa Barbara coast.

LASSITER:
On the high seas?

BUZZ:
Appears so.

JULIET and LASSITER exchange a look.

LASSITER:
Aw, gosh! I'm sorry, Buzz, but... you need a certain level of clearance to work with the Coast Guard. It's... It's department rules. (slaps BUZZ lightly on the arm)

BUZZ:
Really?

JULIET:
Yeah. Yeah, I'm afraid we're gonna have to take over from here. But good work on getting us to this point.

BUZZ:
Oh. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

JULIET:
Yeah.

LASSITER:
(takes file from BUZZ) Yeah. Good work, buddy.

LASSITER and JULIET walk away from BUZZ.

LASSITER:
(whispers) We're gonna capture pirates!

JULIET:
(whispers) I know!

They slap each other’s hand.

JULIET:
Ow!

LASSITER:
Almost makes up for the rabies shots.

JULIET:
Almost.

They walk off in different directions.

EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, YARD, DAY

HENRY is raking as SHAWN watches. They are back in their regular clothes.

HENRY:
Let's face it, Shawn. I blew the case.

SHAWN:
You're quitting on me?

HENRY:
I'm not quitting. I just realized that maybe Chief Vick is right. I should stay out of it.

SHAWN:
Dad, this was your big case.

HENRY:
(laughs) My big case? My big bust? You see, that's the problem right there. That's how I started seeing it. But, in reality, it's a Santa Barbara P.D. case and always has been. (puts down rack)

SHAWN:
You don't believe that.

HENRY:
A good detective knows when to let it go. That's a lesson both you and I could learn right now. (goes inside)

EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, DRIVEWAY, DAY

SHAWN walks around to where GUS is waiting by the car.

GUS:
Where's your dad?

SHAWN:
He's not coming. He says it's to protect the case, but I can tell it's really bumming him out that he got fooled 30 years ago.

They get in the car.

SHAWN:
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but instead of lording over him that this is our case, our rules, I think we have to convince him that we can't solve this thing without him.

GUS:
How do we do that?

SHAWN:
Most likely, through the use of trickery.

INT. CAR, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are driving through a neighborhood, HENRY is in the backseat.

HENRY:
What kind of wood are we gonna use for these bookshelves, Gus?

GUS:
Uh, cypress?

SHAWN:
Cypress? Really?

GUS:
It's a good wood. It's what Noah's ark was made of.

HENRY:
You wanna use something that breathes a little more. But don't worry, we'll hit a lumberyard on the way there. At least I get a chance to use my new laser level.

GUS pulls into the driveway of a typical suburban house.

HENRY:
Gus, why are we stopping here?

GUS:
No reason. I just randomly selected this spot.

HENRY:
Don't be a smart-ass. You're reading an address of a piece of paper, we're sitting in somebody's driveway. Whose house is this?

An SUV drives slowly up the road as they talk.

SHAWN:
Okay, look, Dad. Actually, we're dropping in on some people that we know.

They hear screeching tires and look to see the SUV pulling away.

GUS:
Shawn, I think that's them!

HENRY:
What the hell is going on?

SHAWN:
Don't lose 'em! Go! Go, go, go! Come on!

GUS reverses and turns out of the driveway, losing a hubcap as he does. They chase the other car through the neighborhood until GUS blocks the road with the car.

GUS:
So, what do we do now?

SHAWN:
I don't know. I've never cornered anyone before.

EXT. STREET, DAY

SHAWN and GUS get out of the car. GUS has the laser level in his hand.

SHAWN:
Whoo! You better hope they're not uneven in there.

They approach the other car.

GUS:
I'm gonna blind 'em with the laser, Shawn.

SHAWN leans forward to tap on the passenger window the backs away quickly. GUS raises the laser. The window rolls down and we see an older couple – 50s or 60s.

WOMAN:
May we help you?

SHAWN:
(approaches car) Derek and Melanie Ford? Or should I say, "Soldiers Against Government"?

INT. FORD HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY

MELANIE is chopping vegetables. DEREK gets SHAWN and GUS something to drink.

DEREK:
You sure your father doesn't want to come inside?

Through a window we see HENRY leaning against the car in the driveway.

SHAWN:
Oh, no, no, no. He's clinically insane and a biter.

DEREK:
Sorry again about running from you guys. But when we saw the Mercury Cougar in the driveway, we just figured it was Eugene coming after us for revenge.

GUS:
Revenge for what?

DEREK:
He thinks that we set him up to take the rap for the police headquarters bombing.

MELANIE:
We know he's been asking around town about us, trying to figure out our whereabouts. We thought he'd finally found us.

SHAWN:
Well, don't you worry about that. You help us with this investigation, we will make sure the police protect you from your old pal.

DEREK:
Thank you.

MELANIE:
Tell him everything, honey.

DEREK:
After Eugene got arrested 30 years ago, we freaked out, and we stopped our radical ways.

MELANIE:
We became Soldiers for Government and we built this great life.

DEREK:
You have to believe us. We had nothing to do with setting Eugene up. I mean, we were all brainwashed. We were all caught up in the movement.

GUS:
Do you know of anyone else who would have wanted to set him up?

We hear the knife slice and MELANIE cries out.

MELANIE:
Oh! (pinches her finger and sucks on it)

DEREK:
Honey, are you okay?

MELANIE:
Mmm. Oh, yeah. Oh! I cut myself pretty good. I, uh, excuse me. I'm gonna have to go put something on this. (leaves)

SHAWN sees some mail on the counter and one envelope has the same logo as the decal on Eugene’s car.

DEREK:
I’m sorry.

SHAWN:
We should get going.

DEREK:
Oh, no!

SHAWN:
No. no, no. Thank you for your cooperation. (shakes DEREK’S hand) And rest assured, Eugene will not learn of your whereabouts. Thanks again.

DEREK:
Yes.

GUS shakes DEREK’S hand on his way out.

SHAWN:
(calls) Hope your finger feels better!

MELANIE:
(calls) Thank you!

SHAWN and GUS leave.

EXT. DRIVEWAY, DAY

SHAWN:
Good news, Pop! The trail is hot again.

HENRY:
Like I said, count me out.

GUS gets in the car.

SHAWN:
Damn it, Dad! Do you have to be so prideful all the time? So, you made a mistake 30 years ago. Nobody cares. Just get over it.

GUS gets out of the car.

HENRY:
Not everybody's as comfortable screwin' up as you are, kid.

SHAWN:
I'm comfortable 'cos my mistakes were the only thing that was ever pointed out to me.

SHAWN starts to get in the car, but HENRY pulls him back. GUS gets into the car again. GUS gets out again.

HENRY:
Here we go, here we go. Would you put away the violin? I pointed out the good stuff, Shawn, but usually, you were too busy bragging and showing off to take notice.

GUS:
Enough! I'm sick of you two fighting all the time! Listen, Mr. Spencer, Shawn needs you on the case because, frankly, you're old, and we were barely even alive during the'70s. And Shawn, your dad needs you on the case because even though you can be annoying, you actually have a brilliant idea every now and then. But you're both too damn stubborn to admit you need each other. Now can we go, please? Thank you. (gets in the car and slams the door)

HENRY:
Is he always such a know-it-all?

SHAWN:
You don't know the half of it. Very preachy.

LATER…

INT. CAR, DAY

HENRY:
So, tell me what you have.

SHAWN:
I think there's another SAG member out there.

GUS:
How do you know that?

SHAWN:
Did you see Melanie when we asked her if there was anyone else who'd want to set up Eugene? She cut herself right there, right there on the spot.

HENRY:
Yeah, no, no. Maybe they were telling you what they wanted you to know, not what you needed to know.

SHAWN:
I think they're protecting somebody from Eugene.

GUS:
But there were only three people in the picture.

SHAWN:
No, there was four. The three of them and whoever took the picture.

HENRY:
Maybe they're protecting an old mentor.

SHAWN:
I'm pretty sure that Eugene met Derek and Melanie when they were all students at Santa Barbara University. Let's see if they shared any professors or advisors or RAs. RA, that's a thing, right?

GUS:
It is.

SHAWN:
Okay, let's do this. Back to undercover.

EXT, SBU, COURTYARD, DAY

They are back in their 70s clothes. SHAWN is on the phone.

SHAWN:
Got it. Thank you, Jules. (closes phone and they walk towards entrance) All right, according to Juliet, University records show that our SAG members only shared one professor, and that is Dr. Richard Colbert.

INT. SBU, HALL, DAY

They enter the hall and spot Colbert’s office.

SHAWN:
(knocks) Doctor Colbert?

SHAWN tries the door and it’s unlocked. They go inside.

INT. SBU, COLBERT’S OFFICE, DAY

They walk past a bulletin board and some file cabinets. SHAWN tries a drawer but it’s locked. They stop, and, in unison, remove their sunglasses. Colbert is dead on the floor. SHAWN spots something up one of his nostrils and sees a cloth on a counter.

SHAWN:
I think Eugene got here before we did.

EXT, SBU, COURTYARD, DAY

BUZZ greets LASSITER and JULIET as they arrive on scene.

BUZZ:
I've been waiting for you guys.

LASSITER:
Yeah, we got your call when we were out on the open ocean chasing down our sea pirates at flank. That's a nautical term for maximum speed.

JULIET:
We cordoned the private vessel before they could club haul, that's the nautical term for evasive maneuver, and make it to international waters.

BUZZ:
That sounds awesome. What do modern-day sea pirates look like?

JULIET:
We have no idea. Apparently, once you get three miles out, it's out of our jurisdiction, so the coast guard has us sequestered to a tiny, windowless cabin on the lubber deck.

LASSITER:
Yeah, apparently that's a nautical term for “place they send you to puke”.

JULIET:
Had to wash my hair three times.

LASSITER:
Still sorry about that.

JULIET:
Let's do this.

They enter the building.

INT. SBU, COLBERT’S OFFICE, DAY

Forensics are already there going over the scene.

JULIET:
So, what do we have here?

BUZZ:
The deceased is one Dr. Richard Colbert. Male, 60 years old, professor of chemistry. Apparently, he died from a lab accident involving poisonous hydrochloric acid fumes.

SHAWN and GUS enter as BUZZ is talking.

LASSITER:
When will people ever learn that alcohol and hydrochloric acid don't mix?

GUS:
Technically, they do. See, the hydrogen atoms in the acid form a loose bond with the chlorine...

LASSITER:
What the hell are you wearing?

SHAWN:
Ooooh! I'm gettin' some serious jive, and it is fly.

GUS makes a buzzing sound. Behind BUZZ, we can see HENRY through a window in the hall.

SHAWN:
I can see the struggle. There's a rag on Colbert's face. It was him who masterminded the bombing, 30 years ago. He set Eugene up. And Eugene has murdered him in revenge.

As SHAWN is talking, HENRY looks at the bottles of chemicals and remembers the night of the bust. He waves his hat to get SHAWN’S attention.

SHAWN:
But wait, there's more! Ooh! Yeah, the feel is strong. (walks over to the counter near HENRY) Oooh! I am gettin' it! And it is a bad mother...

GUS:
Shut your mouth!

SHAWN:
I'm havin' a vision.

GUS:
I can dig it.

SHAWN turns to watch HENRY and tries to guess what he’s saying with hand motions like a horrible game of charades.

SHAWN:
Ooh! It's a… It’s a big birthday cake!

GUS:
Ooh! Make a wish! What?

SHAWN:
Bomb. Eugene's built another bomb! He built it here in the lab! That's how he's gonna exact his revenge on the remaining members of SAG! We've gotta stop him now!

Nobody moves.

SHAWN:
That…That's all I got. The jive's over. We should go before people explode.

Everybody runs out.

EXT. STREET, DAY

A black-and-white patrol car races down the road, siren on, followed by LASSITER’S car and then GUS’ car. They stop in front of the Fords’ house. Two cars are already there.

EXT. DRIVEWAY, DAY

As the new arrivals get out of their respective cars, two officers bring EUGENE around from the backyard. One is carrying a bag.

OFFICER:
Found him lookin' around out back. Must have hidden this under the house. (hands LASSITER the bag)

LASSITER:
(opens the bag) We got a bomb! (puts bag on the ground) Which... hasn't been activated.

EUGENE sighs.

LASSITER:
(to OFFICER) Call the bomb squad.

The OFFICER walks away, talking into his radio.

LASSITER:
Eugene, looks like you've been up to your old tricks.

EUGENE:
(scoffs) I'm only here because they called me saying they were finally ready to come clean.

The Fords are clinging to each other, watching the proceedings. The OFFICER returns and takes up his position at EUGENE’S side.

LASSITER:
Invited guests don't go snoopin' around the back, do they?

EUGENE:
I was just checking to see if anybody was home. I swear!

LASSITER:
Save it for the trial. You're under arrest for the murder of Richard Colbert.

The officers start to lead EUGENE away.

EUGENE:
Wait, wait! Colbert's dead?

LASSITER:
And the attempted murder of Derek and Melanie Ford.

DEREK:
Thank God, you stopped him in time.

SHAWN sees MELANIE place her hand on DEREK’S shoulder and her finger is perfectly fine, not bandaged like it should have been.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. FORD HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY

MELANIE:
I cut myself pretty good. I, uh, excuse me. I'm gonna have to go put something on this.

INT. CAR, DAY

HENRY:
Maybe they were telling you what they wanted you to know, not what you needed to know.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

It falls into place for SHAWN.

SHAWN:
Whoa. (taps GUS on the chest before approaching the Fords) Lies! Lies! Lies! Lies! Yeah! You two. You were two young kids in way over your head with the militant SAG so you used Eugene as a scapegoat, didn't you? Set him up to take the fall for the police headquarters bombing so you could make a clean break. But then you heard he got out early, and you were afraid he'd come track you down and expose your criminal past.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. FORD HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY

MELANIE:
We know he's been asking around town about us, trying to figure out our whereabouts. We thought he'd finally found us.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

SHAWN:
Because of the four members of SAG, only two of you are doin' okay for yourselves. Eugene has lost 30 years, and he will be marked as a criminal forever. And Dr. Colbert, his drinking destroyed his career. But you two, your life is picture-perfect. And you would kill to protect it. First, it was Dr. Colbert. His guilt-ridden conscience and drunk mouth would cause him to confess everything to Eugene. And then the plan was simple. Frame Eugene for that murder, and then blow Eugene up right along with all the traces to your past so you could move on to a very bright, white pickety future.

MELANIE:
That's a preposterous theory. Preposterous!

DEREK:
You have no proof.

SHAWN:
Oh, really? What if I did somethin' like this? (presses a few buttons and activates bomb)

LASSITER:
Spencer, what did you just do?

SHAWN:
In exactly one minute, we will all be blown to smithereens or the people responsible for making that bomb will deactivate it.

DEREK:
Don't look at me. He's crazy.

EUGENE:
Yeah, I don't know how to do it either.

LASSITER:
I demand that someone disarm this bomb right now!

GUS runs away. Officers clear the area of spectators. Everyone looks at the bomb as the seconds tick away. SHAWN looks up calmly from his watch to DEREK who breaks and stops the bomb. There are four seconds left. SHAWN leans against one of the cars.

LASSITER:
Arrest them.

<b?OFFICER 2:
Come on. (pulls DEREK up)

LASSITER:
(to officers with EUGENE) Go.

The prisoners are taken away.

LASSITER:
Spencer, I'd appreciate it in the future if you just played with your own life.

SHAWN:
Come on, Lassie. If Derek hadn't caved, I would have just deactivated it myself. It’s very easy. You just clip the red wire and the green wire at the same time.

LASSITER and JULIET look at the bomb.

JULIET:
Uh, Shawn, there is no green wire.

SHAWN:
Really? Huh? Well, in that case, we all would have died.

JULIET and LASSITER walk back to their car.

SHAWN:
I am starving. Who's up for fajitas? My treat. Oh, come on, you guys! Not everybody would have died. Well, a couple of people would have lived. Those are the... The odds are that at least one... Gus would have made it.

SHAWN looks up to the sky, puts his hands together and mouths a silent “Thank you”.

EXT. SBPD, DAY

SHAWN and HENRY are walking to the entrance.

SHAWN:
It'll only take a few minutes for me to finish my interview with “The Independent”.

HENRY:
I still don't see why you have to drag me into this.

SHAWN:
I told you... They're gonna wanna hear about my last case, which was originally your case, and without you, it wouldn't have been solved again.

HENRY:
Interviews, press, hair... Those are your things.

SHAWN:
A little attention isn't gonna kill you, Dad.

HENRY:
(stops) Oh, and wait.

SHAWN:
What?

HENRY:
Thank you. (puts a hand on SHAWN’S shoulder then goes inside)

SHAWN doesn’t know what to make of the exchange. He looks at his shoulder before heading inside.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

LASSITER and JULIET are telling the reporter about the bomb, making themselves the heroes.

LASSITER:
As the bomb ticked all the way down to zero, we held our ground. And I looked those culprits in the eye, and they knew that their time was up.

JULIET:
We don't seek out the high-profile cases. They just have a way of finding us. (laughs) Well, we should just show her.

LASSITER:
That's a great idea.

JULIET:
Yeah, um… You were there. You were here.

SHAWN and HENRY watch from the hall as they try to re-create the scene.

LASSITER:
Oh, I was here?

JULIET:
You were like here-ish and I was like, here. No, we walked up, and then they walked out.

LASSITER:
They did?

HENRY pats SHAWN on the back and leaves.

JULIET:
Yeah, they came up.

LASSITER:
Oh! Right, I remember, right, so… They had the bomb.

JULIET:
They had the bomb.

LASSITER:
Really. It was really dangerous.

JULIET:
They didn’t know it was a bomb. They didn’t.

SHAWN walks away.

EXT. STREET, DAY

GUS is driving the car, grooving to some “Car Wash”. Then we hear metallic clanging and the engine starts smoking. GUS waves at the smoke but has to pull over to the side of the road. He grabs his bag and gets out of the car then starts hitch-hiking.

Transcript: Psych 3x04 The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable

jpgr — Sun, 21 May 2023 13:39:15 GMT

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

We are looking at SHAWN, HENRY and GUS sitting at a table in an interrogation room from the angle of a surveillance camera. It says “Monday, 8:15pm”. HENRY leans back in his chair, GUS rubs his face with his hand and SHAWN drums with his hands on the table. The angle switches to their level and into color.

HENRY:
Don't say a word.

SHAWN:
(after a long pause) Fergulous.

HENRY:
Shawn, I said no words.

SHAWN:
Oh, I see how works. Two weeks ago, playing Scrabble, it’s not a word. Now, suddenly, it is a word because it's convenient for you. Oh, buddy.

SHAWN reaches behind GUS’ ear and GUS slaps him away.

SHAWN:
Dude, you've got some peat moss jammed behind your ear.

GUS reaches behind his ear himself.

SHAWN:
It could be infested with mites.

GUS:
Mites? (puts his leg on the table) I lost a $200 shoe. Your dad almost got a skull fracture. You're the one who got us into this, and absolutely nothing happened to you.

HENRY:
Would you two stop it? I've been on the other side of this table a thousand times. You'll tell them only what they need to know.

SHAWN:
What do we say about Uncle Jack?

HENRY:
He's not here, is he, Shawn? Why don’t we take care of ourselves? We didn't do anything wrong. We didn't break any laws.

SHAWN looks a little cagey and won’t meet HENRY’S eye.

HENRY:
Oh no. Oh no. What… What did you do, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Nothing. It's just the laws keep changing. It's getting very challenging to keep up with them all. Did you know, for instance, that is it now illegal pretend to give a perm to a possum? What?

HENRY:
Shawn. Did you or did you not break any laws?

GUS:
We impersonated priests.

HENRY:
What?

SHAWN:
What? We were professors.

GUS:
We were priests, Shawn.

The door opens and VICK, LASSITER and JULIET enter.

VICK:
You gentlemen have a lot of explaining to do.

LASSITER:
You can bet your ass I'm getting to the bottom of this.

SHAWN:
Don't I get a phone call or something?

LASSITER:
No.

SHAWN:
Fine. How about a text message? I'll be quick. I just need to respond, "OMG, LOL.” Here's a question. How do you make the face that's winking with the tongue coming out one side?

HENRY elbows SHAWN in the side.

VICK:
Mr. Spencer! Now, by my estimation, you may be in some serious trouble here, so I am only going to ask you this once. (leans down) Where's the gold?

SHAWN looks to HENRY.

HENRY:
It's not quite as simple as that.

SHAWN:
Right, if we were to really answer that question, we'd have to go back quite a while.

VICK:
How long?

SHAWN:
About 20 years.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. CLASSROOM, DAY

About twenty years ago, in an elementary school classroom, a man is standing in front of the students, telling a story of some glamourous adventure. The children are enthralled. The MAN’S nametag reads “Shawn’s Dad” though he is obviously not HENRY.

MAN:
As the rain thundered down from the dark night sky and 30-foot waves crashed over his ship, the great pirate Bouchard stood on his bow, pointed at the California coast, and yelled, "We shall take this land as ours, men!"

The kids all cheer and applaud.

BOY:
Your dad's awesome.

SHAWN:
I know.

BOY:
I'm so glad my dad didn't come. I mean, I don't even know what a manager of debt consolidation does, anyways. Except drink.

MAN:
Rumor has it that Bouchard was obsessed with searching for Spanish gold. They also say he may have had syphilis and went crazy searching for something that never existed. But I say the gold did exist! (dumps fake coins out of his pack)

While the MAN has been talking, a police car pulls up and HENRY steps out. SHAWN sees him and tries to hurry things up.

SHAWN:
Okay, my dad has to go now. Thanks, Dad. See you later. Bye.

HENRY walks in at that moment and the two men look at each other.

HENRY:
Wh... Wh... What the heck's going on here?

The TEACHER walks over.

TEACHER:
Officer, we're just in the middle of a class. Is there a problemm with something?

HENRY:
Yes, there is a problem. That's not Shawn’s dad, 'cause I'm Shawn Spencer’s father.

TEACHER:
You're not Shawn’s dad?

MAN:
Uh, well, uh, you know technically…

HENRY:
Uh, technically, that is my brother Jack, who technically didn't tell me he was coming to town and obviously cooked up this ruse with Shawn to fool his new teacher. What were you thinking?

SHAWN:
I don't know. I just thought it'd be cooler if Uncle Jack spoke.

HENRY:
Look, class, I'm sorry to break this to you, but... He's not a real treasure hunter. And this is not real gold.

The class groans in disappointment.

JACK:
Kids, my big brother Henry is absolutely right. This is not real gold. But it is real chocolate! (throws the coins into the air)

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

LASSITER:
What does this have to do with the gold?

SHAWN:
Relax, Lassidophilus, we're getting there. Last night...

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, NIGHT

HENRY, SHAWN and GUS are walking along the road towards HENRY’S house. We learn it is Sunday night at 10:20.

HENRY:
What can I say? The movie didn't make any sense.

SHAWN:
Of course, it didn't make any sense to you. You came in 20 minutes late, fell asleep for an hour, then woke up and asked me what happened. You always do this.

They enter the yard through the open gate.

HENRY:
What can I say? They’re making the movie theaters too damn dark. It makes me sleepy.

SHAWN:
So basically I paid $10 for you to take a nap.

GUS:
Uh, basically, I paid...

SHAWN stops them when he sees movement inside the house.

SHAWN:
Dad, someone's in the house.

GUS:
Oh, my God. Let's call the cops. We should call the cops.

HENRY goes over to a birdhouse and pulls out a gun.

SHAWN:
You keep a stun gun in the birdhouse? What's under the garden gnome, an M-80?

HENRY points the first two fingers of his left hand towards his eyes and then points to the roof of the house.

SHAWN:
You want me to poke you in the eyes on the roof?

HENRY then points at SHAWN and motions for him to move. He then goes around the side of the house.

GUS:
We're calling the cops, right?

SHAWN sighs and goes around the opposite side from his father.

GUS:
Why aren't we calling the cops? (puts up hands like he’s about to fight)

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, NIGHT

SHAWN enters carrying an oar. HENRY comes down the stairs with the stun gun. SHAWN stops when he sees a penny on the coffee table. He picks it up and smiles.

SHAWN:
Dad, wait.

HENRY:
Stop!

HENRY turns on the living room light and we see Uncle JACK kneeling by a table where he quickly closes a drawer.

SHAWN:
Uncle Jack! I knew it was you as soon as I saw the penny.

SHAWN hurries over and hugs JACK.

JACK:
(laughs) The kid! Shawn, my boy. Hey. And by the way, that's a '59 penny. It's the first year they used the Lincoln Memorial on it. I want you to keep it. (pats SHAWN’S shoulder)

HENRY puts the stun gun down and doesn’t look too pleased at seeing his younger brother.

SHAWN:
Thanks, man.

GUS runs into the room with an attempted battle cry. He is carrying the garden hose aiming the spray nozzle. He stops when he sees JACK.

GUS:
Jack?

SHAWN:
Dude. A hose, really? What were you gonna do, give him a high colonic?

GUS:
Shut up, Shawn. (starts to leave)

JACK:
No, no, no, no. I get it. You bust in here, you blind him with water, and then you make your move, baby! Come here, you! (hugs GUS) Ah, boys. (puts an arm around each of their shoulders) It seems like only yesterday I was bringing you kids to the track, and we were betting the ponies.

GUS:
I was the only 8-year-old kid who knew what a trifecta meant.

SHAWN:
Uncle Jack, I haven't heard from you since you sent that e-mail from Prince Albert’s boat in the Maldives.

JACK:
Yeah, well, I had to sign a confidentiality agreement there, guys. Can't really talk about it. Ooh! By the way, I got presents for everybody. (opens backpack) I got these when I was excavating near Machu Picchu. Dug them up myself.

JACK pulls out what looks like tribal masks and hands them to SHAWN and GUS. They look at the masks before switching them. They then hold them up to their faces and make growling noises. JACK walks over to HENRY with a small bowl in his hand.

HENRY:
It's been three years, Jack. What are you doing here besides breaking into my house?

JACK:
Breaking in. You gave me a key, Henry.

HENRY:
I didn't give you a key. I don't give anyone keys, not even Shawn. (flips bowl over and sees remnants of a tag underneath)

SHAWN:
(lowers mask) Oh, that's not true. I actually made a copy a while back. It was when I was hooked on Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! on Noggin. I didn't have cable. Oh, I also stole your toilet paper for about a year, and a huge box of sporks. (puts mask to face again)

JACK looks at a framed photo on the mantel before turning to face them.

JACK:
I guess you are wondering why I came back. I want you to help me find Bouchard's treasure.

SHAWN and GUS lower their masks to look at him.

HENRY:
Come on, not that again, Jack. I hate to break it to you, little brother, but Bouchard’s treasure does not, has not, and will not ever exist. It's a pipe dream.

SHAWN:
Don't listen to him, Uncle Jack. He's a dream killer.

JACK:
Ah, I understand his frustration. All those years spent listening to me drone on about the whole "treasure" thing without even a semblance of proof. I get it. One thing confuses me, though. If it is just a figment of my imagination, where'd I get this? (holds up treasure map)

**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable”
By
Josh Bycel

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Jay Chandrasekhar

**********************************************************************

INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION, NIGHT

Monday night, 9:45. LASSITER and JULIET are watching SHAWN from the observation room and he seems to be staring right at them through the one-way glass.

JULIET:
Why do I feel like he can see us?

LASSITER:
No, it's impossible. He can't see or hear a thing.

LASSITER leans forward and so does SHAWN. He then moves his finger and SHAWN turns his head to follow it. VICK doesn’t know what to make of it either.

LASSITER:
That's just weird. (he looks off-screen then back to VICK) So, what, we're just gonna let this guy listens in on everything?

There’s a MAN sitting in the corner at a desk watching a monitor showing the interrogation room.

VICK:
It's out of our hands, Detective. Now just get in there and get to the bottom of this.

LASSITER:
You got it.

LASSITER and JULIET leave the room.

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

iLASSITER and JULIET enter and SHAWN turns to face them.

SHAWN:
When are we gonna find out the deal with suit guy in there?

LASSITER and JULIET exchange a glance.

LASSITER:
Let's just get back to the story.

Everybody sits back down at the table.

JULIET:
I can't believe your Uncle Jack actually had a treasure map.

LASSITER:
I can't believe you actually pretended your uncle was your dad.

SHAWN:
I wanted Gus' dad to do it, but there was a genealogy issue I just couldn't resolve.

JULIET:
What else can you tell us about the Bouchard guy?

GUS:
We could only remember bits and pieces of the Bouchard myth, but Jack filled us in on the rest.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT

Sunday 11:15 PM – JACK has the map spread out on the kitchen table. SHAWN and GUS look through all the papers JACK has on Bouchard.

JACK:
November, 1818. Bouchard sailed up and down the California coast, searching desperately for the mythical Spanish gold. He ravaged and looted the mission in Monterey, was repelled at San Juan Capistrano, and finally made land here, at Santa Barbara, where he did battle with a small Spanish garrison and the Chumash Indians.

HENRY takes some glasses from a cabinet.

GUS:
Yeah, I remember reading about that. They say he made off with millions in Spanish gold coins, but his boat sunk off the coast north of here. He disappeared, and years later he showed up in Argentina.

JACK:
Superior retention of historic detail, Gus. Bouchard was also fond of hiding clues to the treasure's whereabouts in the map. And I stumbled upon this one while researching him in Argentina.

HENRY:
(pouring drinks) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! First you say you're in Machu Picchu in Peru, and all of a sudden, now you're in Argentina, so which one is it?

SHAWN:
Dad, he's not a suspect.

HENRY:
(scoffs) He's suspect, all right.

JACK:
Forget him. Forget him, okay? My big brother's always been just a little cynical. And that's what I love about him.

HENRY walks over and hands JACK a whiskey.

HENRY:
You still haven't answered my question. (walks away)

JACK:
What about it, boys? Want to be treasure hunters? (sips his drink)

SHAWN:
Are you kidding me? That's like asking me if I want my own jet pack. Or if I've ever wanted to be a koala bear.

GUS:
Okay, I think he means, yes, you can count him in. And me too.

JACK:
Superb. Mm. (puts drink down and leans against counter) You know, I've been, uh, reading a lot about that detective stuff you do, and it seems to me that having a psychic might be a real asset. Who knew I had one in my own family?

SHAWN:
Well, Uncle Jack, I... I don't know. I'm not really... I wouldn't necessarily say psychic.

JACK:
Stop that right now. Don't you do that to yourself, young man. Do not sell yourself short. Do not feel embarrassed just 'cause you're a little different. Didn't I always tell you you'd be great, didn't I?

SHAWN:
Yeah, you did.

JACK:
Okay, now, here's the plan. Everything we find, we split 50/50…

GUS:
That's after we donate most of it to a museum, right?

JACK:
We are so gonna do that, Gus.

GUS:
Right.

JACK:
You and I are really, up here, in synch. Okay, so the first thing we need to do is...

GUS:
Get matching fedoras?

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

LASSITER has his face half-buried in his palm.

GUS:
Get matching fedoras? You're the one who wanted the fedoras, not me. Stop changing the story.

SHAWN:
My mistake. He wanted the yellow gauchos. I said no to that.

HENRY:
Would you please put me in a separate room from these idiots? I will tell you everything.

JULIET:
Just continue.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

EXT. SANTA BARBARA MISSION, DAY

Monday morning, 10:15 -

SHAWN: (v.o.)
Jack had told us to meet him at the front steps of the mission, because that was the first step on the map. Gus and I could barely contain our excitement.

GUS trips on the stairs but stands back up quickly.

SHAWN: (v.o.)
I contained mine a little better.

JACK is waiting for them at the door. He sets a penny down on the steps.

JACK:
Okay, just follow my lead. Say yes to everything.

JACK goes inside and SHAWN and GUS follow.

INT. SANTA BARBARA MISSION, HALL, DAY

JACK, SHAWN and GUS are greeted by a WOMAN and MAN.

WOMAN:
Oh, welcome. Welcome. I'm Karen Raven, head of the Santa Barbara historical society. We are delighted to have such a distinguished professor as yourself visiting us.

There are three men paying their respects and lighting candles at the shrine behind them.

JACK:
(Spanish accent) Ah, gracias, gracias. I am Abner Espinoza, and these are my compatriots, Ernesto Agapito Garces con y a de Abelar and Juan Priestly.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

SHAWN:
Oh, now I see where you got the priest thing.

JULIET:
What does that mean?

BOTH:
Nothing.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SANTA BARBARA MISSION, HALL, DAY

RAVEN:
Well, welcome. Please, come this way. (leads them to a door marked private) Now, as you know, most of our prized collection pieces are kept away from the public, but, well, we're happy to open our doors for visiting dignitaries such as yourselves.

BOTH:
(horrible nasal accent) Yes.

RAVEN:
Okay, then. Um… Take as much time as you need. (unlocks and opens the door) And, uh, Bill here will be waiting just outside.

INT. SANTA BARBARA MISSION, ROOM, DAY

Once inside the room, they resume their real voices.

JACK:
All right, boys, we got about 10 minutes before the real Espinoza shows up.

SHAWN:
There's a real Espinoza?

JACK:
Well, technically speaking, we used to be partners. He's a great guy, but we had a little falling out when I had a small dalliance with his wife. And his sister. And his housekeeper, Debbie.

SHAWN:
Uncle Jack, what's really going on here?

JACK:
My research has told me there are clues about the treasure's whereabouts hidden somewhere in this room. (looks around) And it all has to do with the number 152.

GUS:
Why don't we just use the map?

JACK:
Well, technically, there's, uh, something I haven't told you about the whole map.

JACK walks over to a desk and unfurls the map. Part of it is missing.

SHAWN:
Uncle Jack, this is a pretty big thing to leave out.

JACK:
Yeah, I know, I know, I know. It's a long story. (scratches chin) A one-legged woman, a bottle of Cutty Sark… The point is that the missing part of the map is the first step of the hunt. Now, come on, kid, use that psychic gift you got. Come on. (pats SHAWN on the back)

SHAWN studies the map and singles out the capital letters.

SHAWN:
Oh, boy. I- I'm seeing letters, swarming. They're... They're zinging. They're... They're...They're forming... They're forming words. They're forming words... Couleur. C-couleur.

They all keep repeating the word.

SHAWN:
What is that? What does that mean?

JACK:
French… Color… Paint! Painting! That's it. Come on, let's go. Hurry up, more.

GUS:
There are paintings over there.

GUS walks to where paintings are leaning against the wall and starts to flip through them. SHAWN stands with his back to them but angles his head just enough so he can see without being obvious. One painting looks similar to one of the sketches JACK had.

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, wait. Go back. Go back.

SHAWN reaches back “blindly” before pulling out the painting.

SHAWN:
Hello, Bouchard. Let me see the map.

SHAWN takes the painting to the desk and sets it down next to the map.

SHAWN:
Where did you hide that clue, you old syphilitic sea dog?

SHAWN sees part of a tower on the ripped section of the map. In the painting, Bouchard’s telescope is pointing to the top of a similar tower on the coast.

SHAWN:
I know where the map starts. And I know where the first clue is.

EXT. PARK, DAY

Monday, 11:25AM – SHAWN, GUS and JACK run up to the remains of a tower or column. There is a brass plaque on the base. “Montaña de Oro Lighthouse Built in 1816” Underneath that “California State Landmark #152”.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

LASSITER:
Wait. The map was actually real?

GUS:
Oh, yeah. We couldn't believe it.

JULIET:
The lighthouse was the first clue. What happened from there?

SHAWN:
We didn't make it to the second clue.

LASSITER:
Why not?

HENRY makes a motion like he wants them to keep quiet.

GUS:
Because we weren't the only ones who found the lighthouse.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

EXT. PARK, DAY

SHAWN, GUS and JACK run away from the lighthouse and three men emerge from the other side and start shotting at them while chasing them.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION, NIGHT

Tuesday, 2:30AM. The MAN is the suit is still watching the interrogation while talking on his cell phone in Spanish.

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

LASSITER, JULIET and VICK re-enter the room.

LASSITER:
All right, Spencer, tell the Chief what you just told us.

SHAWN:
Okay, Chief, here it goes. We're so hungry. I can't get the burrito place on Coda Street out of my mind. They're open late. Gus, children's burrito, no sauce, Dad, I know you're a fan of the carne asada.

VICK:
All right, Mr. Spencer, let me be frank.

SHAWN:
As long as I can be Dean and Gus can be Sammy.

GUS:
Why do I have to be Sammy?

SHAWN:
Fine. He's Sammy. (points to HENRY) That makes you Joey Bishop. Is that what you really want? You want to be Joey Bishop?

JULIET:
Shawn.

SHAWN:
I'm sorry, Jules. How often does someone set you up with "let me be Frank"?

JULIET:
(leans over and slaps the table) Shawn!

SHAWN, GUS and HENRY lean back in their chairs. Even LASSITER looks at her, surprised.

JULIET:
Don't forget that you are in a lot of trouble here. And I am probably the only person in this room who cares to see you get out of it. Now, it's 2:30 in the morning, we've been here for hours, enough with the jokes, stop delaying, and tell us what we want to hear! (stands)

SHAWN:
(turns slowly to look at GUS) Oh my God. That was so hot.

LASSITER:
Spencer, tell the Chief what you told us about the guys who chased you away from the lighthouse with the guns.

GUS:
Not just chasing us. They found us hiding in a cabin.

LASSITER:
Who were they?

HENRY:
Jack's partners. Because the one thing that you could count on with my brother Jackie, he always had partners.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. CABIN, DAY

Monday, 2:00PM – The men have tied SHAWN, GUS and JACK to chairs, back-to-back in a circle.

MAN:
Jack! What the hell are you doing?

JACK:
Mark, calm down, will ya? It's all part of the plan.

SHAWN:
Wait a second. You guys know each other?

MARK:
Oh, yeah. We were partners.

GUS:
I thought we were partners.

JACK:
Oh, technically, you're all my partners.

SHAWN:
Well, I don't know where you guys went to partner college, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to shoot at your partners.

MARK:
Yeah? Should partners do this? (punches JACK)

GUS:
(to SHAWN) Maybe we shouldn't use the word "partners" anymore. It seems to make him mad.

JACK:
(groans) Mark. (spits) Kitten, listen, this is my nephew Shawn, okay? He's psychic. For real. Works with the cops sometimes. Fully legitimate, fully. I only brought him around to help with the hunt. And I was just gonna pay him a small finder's fee. That's it.

SHAWN:
(to GUS) What’s finder's fee? Is that like 50%?

GUS:
Not even close.

MARK:
No. Not buying it. You were gonna sell us out. (gets ready to punch JACK)

SHAWN:
Whoa! Psychic things are happening to me! Oh! Running down my legs.

SHAWN peeks with one eye and the other two men with MARK. He remembers seeing them at the mission at the shrine lighting candles. It was the shrine of St. Gerard Majella, Patron Saint of Pregnant Women.

SHAWN:
You don't worry about the pregnancy. Your girlfriend's gonna be just fine.

The man looks over at MARK who looks at SHAWN and JACK.

JACK:
Hmm, hmm, hmm? What did I tell you? Now, why don't you just let us go? We'll all find the treasure. We'll be stinking, filthy rich, and live fabulous lives.

MARK:
No. Give us the map.

JACK:
We don't have the map.

MARK:
Really? That's too bad. (grabs JACK by the collar and prepares to punch him)

SHAWN:
Okay, it's in the backpack.

GUS turns to SHAWN, questioning.

MARK:
Thanks. (lets go of JACK and goes to the backpack)

GUS:
What are you…

SHAWN:
Wait.

GUS:
What…

SHAWN:
Just wait.

MARK tips out the backpack. JACK looks at SHAWN.

SHAWN:
Wait. (to MARK) It's in... It's in the side pouch. (to GUS) Ssh!

MARK pulls the map out of the side pocket then comes back.

SHAWN:
(in stage whisper) Hey, Gus, should we tell Mark that there's a tear in the map?

They watch as MARK opens the map.

MARK:
Son of a bitch, Jack!

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

LASSITER:
Hold it. So, you just gave them the map and told them everything?

SHAWN, GUS and HENRY are eating take-out meals.

SHAWN:
No, not everything.

GUS jabs him in the side with his elbow while sipping his drink.

SHAWN:
Okay, everything.

LASSITER:
So, they found the treasure?

SHAWN:
(scoffs) Not exactly.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

MARK and his men are on a ferry crossing to a land similar to one on the map.

SHAWN: (v.o.)
Okay, I may have psychically led them down the wrong path.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

SHAWN:
The spirit world is just one of life's little mysteries, like why the Oxygen Network airs Goodfellas, or why fools fall in love.

SHAWN tries to steal a chip from GUS, but GUS slaps his hand away.

VICK:
(enters with a boot and sets it on the table) Oh, here you go, Mr. Guster. This is all they had in lost-and-found in your size.

GUS:
An UGG boot? I can't wear an UGG boot with... (VICK glares at him) It'll be dope with my one Puma. (takes the boot)

VICK:
Now, Mr. Spencer.

BOTH:
Yes.

VICK:
Oh, I meant the older...

HENRY looks at her.

VICK:
Sorry, not old, less...

SHAWN:
Handsome? Less hair? Less friends on Facebook?

HENRY:
Less nose.

SHAWN:
Ooh.

VICK:
Henry. Did you fill out a burglary report on your house yesterday?

HENRY:
I did. But nothing was taken.

VICK:
Oh. And yet why do I feel this somehow plays into this whole mess, doesn't it? (tosses file onto table)

HENRY:
I was the one who picked them up. (takes a bit of his food)

LASSITER:
Wait, wait, wait, wait. How did your dad know where to find you if that Mark guy took all your cell phones?

SHAWN:
That is a good question.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. CABIN, DAY

The three of them are still tied up.

SHAWN:
I have to pee.

GUS:
No. No way, Shawn.

SHAWN:
What am I supposed to do?

GUS:
Hold it like a man.

SHAWN:
I'll get a urinary tract infection.

GUS:
Like a man.

JACK:
You know what? You can link your legs underneath your chairs and form a wheel and roll to the bathroom.

GUS:
I don't even want to project how that's gonna happen. I'm not rolling anywhere. I don't know why I listened to either one of you. No one is gonna find us. We're probably gonna die out here.

SHAWN:
Gus?

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
What is that on your leg?

GUS:
Nothing. (moves leg)

SHAWN:
Dude, you are strapped with another cell phone?

JACK:
I can't believe you actually pretended your uncle was your dad.

GUS:
No, no, we're not calling anyone. That is my work phone. For work.

SHAWN:
This is work!

GUS:
My boss is watching everything I do, Shawn. Plus, you already used up half my minutes waiting on hold for concert tickets.

SHAWN:
That was Tony, Toni, Tone and Wet Wet Wet playing together! You know I can't resist that. The symmetry alone...

JACK:
All right, Gus, this is our only choice, man.

GUS:
Fine. Shawn, reach down and get it.

SHAWN:
Me? I'm not gonna reach down and... You get it.

GUS:
With what hand?

SHAWN:
Fine. I'll do it. Hold still.

SHAWN maneuvers in his chair to try to lower himself. Because of the proximity of their chairs, GUS’ chair moves too. He grunts.

SHAWN:
Stop it. You're wobbling!

GUS:
Hold on, now.

They both topple to the floor. SHAWN uses his mouth to get the phone out of its case. GUS jerks his leg.

SHAWN:
Stop flexing.

GUS:
Ow!

SHAWN pulls the phone out by the antenna and drops it on the floor. He then uses a pen in his mouth to dial.

SHAWN:
Wha...No, wait, it's ringing.

MAN: (over phone)
Fu's palace. Want to place order?

GUS:
You must have dialed the wrong number. Hi. We're stuck out in a cabin on Tunnel Road. Can you send help?

MAN: (over phone)
For pickup or delivery?

JACK:
This is Jack Spencer, and I'm willing to offer you a 50/50 split on pirate treasure.

GUS:
Hang up, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Hold on. While he's on the line, you guys want anything?

GUS:
Will you dial it again? And this time try to dial the right number.

SHAWN:
Look, man, I'm dialing with a 10-year-old Erasermate in my mouth. It's not an exact science.

SHAWN dials again and it rings.

HENRY: (answering machine)
You've reached Henry Spencer. Leave your name and number, but speak slowly, because people talk too fast on these things, and I can never understand it. (the message beeps)

SHAWN:
Hey, Dad, what's going on? Uh, I got good news. Great news! The electric wrench you've been wanting is in stock at Home Depot. Uh, what else? There was something else. Oh, I know. If you're not too busy, Gus, Jack, and I are tied up in a cabin about…

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, DAY

The living room is a mess. It appears to have been ransacked.

SHAWN: (on answering machine)
…100 yards off tunnel road, right by where we had the pulled pork sandwiches that one time.

HENRY:
(picks up phone) Shawn?

LASSITER: (v.o.)
Spencer, are you gonna answer my question or not?

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

LASSITER:
How did your dad know where to find you?

SHAWN:
With some people, I can communicate through psychic wavelengths. My father is one of them. Val Kilmer is another.

JULIET:
Here's something I don't understand. Jack's partner wanted the map, right? So why would they trash your dad's house? They’d know Jack wouldn't let the map out of his sight.

GUS:
Mark and his men, they weren't looking for a map.

JULIET:
So, what were they looking for?

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, DAY

SHAWN is putting stuff away in a cabinet, HENRY is just standing there, JACK is sitting on a chair while GUS crosses the room.

JACK:
You know you're my boy, Shawn. Why'd you have to go and give Mark the map?

SHAWN:
Because I don't need it. Uncle Jack, trust me. I can re-create the map psychically in my head.

JACK:
Hey, hey! Spare me, kid, okay? You can't snow the snowman. We were so close.

Everyone appears dejected. SHAWN then remembers what JACK was doing when they first saw him.

SHAWN:
(leans on the coffee table) Oh! I feel jittery! (stands) It starts with beans. Gus likes it in the morning. (falls back to the table) Now he has gas!

GUS:
Something having to do with coffee?

SHAWN:
Yes! (hits the table every time he says “coffee”) Coffee! Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee table! Coffee table. (pulls out one of the drawers) Mark and his goons weren't looking for the map, were they? (reaches into the space) No, no. They were looking for something else. A different piece of the puzzle. (pulls out a key) Something you didn't want connected to the map at all. (gasps and stands)

JACK:
Oh! That is downright scary! Maybe you really do have a gift, kid. My bad for doubting it. (takes key) Now, this key is also from Bouchard’s stuff I found in Argentina. It was useless without that map. But if Shawn can actually re-create that map, that plus this key means we are back on track!

JACK and SHAWN both whoop. HENRY is not impressed.

JACK:
Guys, I got to hit the head. But when I come back, we are finding us a treasure!

SHAWN slaps JACK on the back as he leaves. JACK in turn slaps Henry on the shoulder as he passes.

SHAWN:
(exhales) Hope he bought that.

GUS:
With Jack, you never know.

SHAWN:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But if that key is real...

HENRY:
Shawn, come on. Take a look around. Haven't you had enough? These guys… They’ve destroyed my living room.

SHAWN:
Mark and his goons aren't gonna stop. We got to get back out there! Dad!

HENRY:
No! No. Shawn, no!

SHAWN:
Just come with us. Come with us.

HENRY:
Why do you need me?

SHAWN:
It's not that we need you. We want you. Plus, we need you.

GUS:
We need your truck because my car is still at the lighthouse, and Mark has the key.

HENRY:
There you go. Thank you very much. Sorry. Count me out.

SHAWN:
Shocker!

HENRY nearly bumps into JACK on his way out.

JACK:
(claps hands) Okay, guys, ready? Good. All we got to do now is borrow a car. Now, technically, the term is hot-wiring. However...

HENRY rushes back in.

HENRY:
I'm in. But I drive, I'm the one who decides if and when we go to the police. (points at them emphatically) I don't want any more surprises. Do you understand?

SHAWN:
Yes, Dad!

JACK:
Big bro, I knew you'd come around. Okay, psychic, what's the next step?

SHAWN recalls the map and sees a building that seems to have the key drawn next to it. He puts the key to his forehead. He pulls it away with a deep, shaky breath before putting it back to his head. He does this a couple more times until HENRY yells at him.

HENRY:
Shawn?

SHAWN:
The key will guide us now.

SHAWN holds the key out in front of him and runs from the room. GUS follows.

JACK:
(taps HENRY on the chest) I love this. 50/50 split between me and you guys! (runs after SHAWN and GUS)

EXT, HENRY’S HOUSE, DAY

They all cram into the cab of his truck.

HENRY:
No more surprises, right, Jack?

JACK:
Of course.

They drive away. Hiding down the road is a black sedan. The two men inside are wearing dark suits and sunglasses. The passenger talks into a radio in Spanish. They follow the truck.

EXT. STREET, DAY

Monday, 5:00PM – There is a plaque on the building bearing a sketch and the words “El Presidio del Pacifico – A fort built by the Spanish in 1782 – Destroyed by a fire in 1898”. SHAWN holds the key up to the bell tower. It lines up perfectly.

GUS:
Tell me this, Shawn. How are we supposed to find clues from a bell tower that hasn't been around for over 100 years?

JACK:
The Presidio was huge. It would've taken up several blocks. So, what should we do now?

SHAWN sees a local street map showing sights and landmarks for tourists.

SHAWN:
There's only one thing we can do. Go back in time.

SHAWN closes his eyes and overlays the sketch and the street map, getting a location where the bell tower would have stood. With arms stretched out to his sides, SHAWN goes down the sidewalk. GUS, JACK and HENRY follow. A la Indiana Jones, a red line on the map shows their progress.

SHAWN:
The bell tower is calling me!

He stops quickly and GUS bumps into him.

GUS:
Shawn!

HENRY:
Come on. (slaps SHAWN on the arm)

SHAWN continues to lead them through the neighborhood. HENRY is lagging behind.

HENRY:
Shawn, wait up! Shawn!

HENRY turns to look behind him and walks into a door when he turns around again. GUS helps him keep up. SHAWN stops in front of a muffler shop.

SHAWN:
This is it. This is where the bell tower stood.

JACK:
What do we do now?

SHAWN:
Let's buy some mufflers. (goes inside)

GUS:
He doesn't even own a car. I bet you I end up paying for this.

EXT. MUFFLER SHOP ROOF, DAY

SHAWN sighs and HENRY walks up to him, a Band-Aid on his head.

SHAWN:
You all right?

HENRY:
Yeah. Yeah, I'll survive. What are we doing up here, Shawn?

SHAWN:
I'm not sure yet. But that's part of the fun, isn't it? (pats HENRY on the stomach)

JACK and GUS join them.

JACK:
We are good to go. The manager said we can take as much time as we need. Alvin. Good guy. Filipino. He loved me.

GUS:
And Jack offered him 50% of the treasure.

JACK:
I also gave him an '82 penny. It was the first year they used zinc instead of copper.

GUS:
Okay, what is the deal with you and all these pennies?

JULIET: (v.o.)
Yeah, I don't get that either.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, NIGHT

The meals are gone and a street map is spread on the table. HENRY is standing but leaning on his chair from behind. GUS is lying on his side on the table, fiddling with a pen.

JULIET:
So, Jack collects them and then leaves them places? What's that about?

HENRY:
Jack was always interested in history. Collecting pennies was his way of being a part of it.

SHAWN:
But leaving the pennies was his own personal philosophy. See, Uncle Jack always said...

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

EXT. MUFFLER SHOP ROOF, DAY

JACK has an arm about GUS’ shoulder.

JACK:
I leave the penny because it's good luck. And Lord knows, the world could use more good luck.

GUS:
Are you for real?

HENRY:
All right, Shawn, what are we doing up here? You think that when Bouchard captured the fort, he stood up here on the bell tower, gazing out into the big blue ocean, looking for a place to hide the treasure?

SHAWN:
If I were a French pirate with a bad temper and at least one venereal disease, where would I be looking?

SHAWN looks out at the coastline and pictures it against the map.

SHAWN:
(points) That's it. That's it, right there. We're so close! Let's go!

EXT. STREET, DAY

They exit onto the street and are spotted by MARK and his goons.

MARK:
Hey!

GUS:
How did he find us?

JACK:
He's got the map. He must've figured it out. Come on, let's go!

They run. JACK and his men get into their car. On the map, the red line progresses into the hills away from the city.

EXT. FOREST, DAY

They run through the woods, JACK and HENRY in the lead, followed by SHAWN and then GUS. GUS slips in mud and cries out. His foot gets stuck but the others don’t notice and keep running.

GUS:
Shawn! Shawn!

SHAWN runs back to GUS.

GUS:
I can't leave my Puma, Shawn!

SHAWN pulls GUS by the arm, pulling him free but leaving the shoe behind. MARK and his men are still chasing them. JACK bumps into a tree, knocking his bag to the ground. SHAWN and GUS catch up.

SHAWN:
(grabs bag) I got it.

They stop at the edge of the bluff.

SHAWN:
This is it. This is the bluff on the map.

A black helicopter rises up to face them. SHAWN, GUS and HENRY raise their hands. JACK takes off.

SHAWN:
(looks back) Uncle Jack!

The men in the helicopter are the same ones who followed them earlier.

SHAWN:
I know this probably isn't the right time to say this, but, dude, I think we're gonna get to ride in a helicopter!

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

Tuesday Morning, Right Now – VICK is arguing with the MAN who had witnessed the interrogation.

MAN:
You're obligated to let me speak with them.

VICK:
I'm not obligated to make you do anything.

MAN:
(holds up paper) Chief, perhaps you should see this one more time.

VICK:
No, I don't need to see the letter one more time.

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, DAY

LASSITER and JULIET are looking through the open door at VICK’S conversation.

SHAWN:
Jules. Lassie, what's going on out there? What's the deal with that guy? He didn't say a word to us when he brought us in.

JULIET:
His name is Andres Candelaria. He works for the Spanish government.

LASSITER:
Apparently, he's part of some inter-governmental task force on stolen antiquities.

VICK clears her throat as she and CANDELARIA enter. JULIET and LASSITER stand and move out of the way.

CANDELARIA:
Hello, Mr. Spencer. I believe you know why you're here.

SHAWN:
And I believe you know I know why I'm here. Now, why am I here?

CANDELARIA:
To help us find the treasure that rightly belongs to my government.

GUS:
But we didn't find anything.

CANDELARIA:
Si. And my men have been searching the bluffs all night, as well, with no luck.

SHAWN envisions the letters from the map once more.

SHAWN:
That's because you stopped us one step short. Your treasure's not in the bluffs, che. (stands and exclaims) The spirits are guiding my man paw! (starts writing on the two-way mirror) It's like... It's like that movie Idle Hands, except with no nudity, which means I must be completely unwatchable right now. Do either of these words mean anything to anyone? It could be the clue we're looking for.

SHAWN has written “Coleur” and “Cueva”.

CANDELARIA:
“Cueva” is Spanish for cave.

JULIET:
“Couleur” could be French. I think it means paint. I spent a semester in Paris. Got salmonella poisoning and lost 20 pounds. Best diet ever!

GUS:
(moves to stand next to SHAWN) Painted caves. That's it! Bouchard was French, but he was fascinated with the Chumash Indians.

HENRY:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! The Chumash Indians? Well, they used to paint caves all over the area. We used to roust punks in there from drinking all the time.

SHAWN:
"Roust punks"? Thank you, Jack Lord. We will now lead you to the treasure. (tosses pen onto table) I know the cave.

CANDELARIA:
Very well. Let's go.

VICK:
(steps in) Stop. You are not doing this.

CANDELARIA:
The only reason I brought these men here in the first place was because Spencer would not talk with us unless he was in the station.

VICK:
Okay, look, I said we would cooperate with you, but they are employees of the SBPD, and they're not going anywhere without my detectives.

CANDELARIA:
Chief, we have been through this, no? (pulls out letter) This is from your Treasury Department, giving me full power to call the shots. Now, I thank you for your help, but it will no longer be needed. Vamos.

CANDELARIA heads out with his men. VICK, JULIET, LASSITER and HENRY are not pleased with the situation. GUS leaves and SHAWN follows, bumping into JULIET as he does so.

SHAWN:
Sorry.

INT. PAINTED CAVE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are digging a hole. CANDELARIA and his two men watch.

GUS:
I can't believe we're actually digging for buried treasure.

SHAWN:
I know, dude. And you're getting your pants totally dirty, and you don't even care. I'm so proud of you.

CANDELARIA:
Keep digging!

GUS’ shovel hits metal. They stop and look at each other. They put down the shovels and SHAWN grabs one of the lanterns. They crouch down and wipe away the dirt to reveal initials.

SHAWN:
H. B.

GUS:
That could be for Hippolyte de Bouchard.

SHAWN:
Or Harry Belafonte.

GUS:
No.

SHAWN:
No, that does... That doesn't make any sense.

CANDELARIA:
Just get it out!

SHAWN and GUS pull the chest out of the hole and rest it on the ledge. They open it to reveal a smaller coffer. They lift off the lid to reveal a canvas bag.

GUS:
Oh, my God. It's real.

CANDELARIA:
Si.

SHAWN grabs a fistful of coins and lets them fall through his fingers back into the bag.

CANDELARIA:
Well done. Buen trabajo. You should know the Spanish government owes you a great debt of gratitude. Now, could I please have the coins?

CANDELARIA motions for one of his men to fetch the bag.

SHAWN:
(hands GUS the bag) Before we do that, I should tell you, I know three things that you probably don't know. Uno, the secret of NIMH and the secret of my success? Same secret. Dos, I know that you don't work for the Spanish government. And tres, these caves are actually quite slippery.

SHAWN throws a shovel at CANDELARIA, causing him to fall into the man behind him. He then pushes the other man into the hole.

GUS:
What are you doing?!

SHAWN:
Bag! Bag! Bag! Bag! Bag!

GUS tosses SHAWN the bag and they run from the cave. They stop in the tunnel and shove the bag of gold into their own then continue running. In the cave, CANDELARIA gets up, yelling at his men. They then chase after SHAWN and GUS.

EXT. FOREST, DAY

SHAWN and GUS run through the woods.

GUS:
What is going on? Why are we running? Why did we leave the caves?

They pause running but spot MARK and his men.

MARK:
Hey!

They continue running as CANDELARIA and his men join the chase. GUS runs alone and stops, calling for SHAWN. SHAWN joins him, coming out from behind some trees.

SHAWN:
What happened to your other Puma?

GUS looks down at his shoeless foot.

GUS:
You got to be kidding me! I lost another shoe?

SHAWN:
Let’s go!

They continue running.

MARK:
This way!

CANDELARIA:
Vamos!

EXT. WOODS, ROAD, DAY

SHAWN and GUS stop when they come to a road. A car skids to a stop.

BOTH:
Jack!

They run up to the car.

SHAWN:
Yes!

JACK:
Hey, guys! I told you I'd come back. I've been tracking you the whole time. Do you, uh... Do you have the treasure?

SHAWN:
This is it.

JACK:
(exclaims) I always believed in you, kid! I always knew you were special!

They hear CANDELARIA shouting and try to get into the car.

JACK:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't come in here. We gotta split up for safety. Now, listen, they're not gonna hurt you if you don't have the gold. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

GUS:
What?

JACK:
Come on, let's have it.

After a slight hesitation, SHAWN tosses the bag to JACK who catches it and places it in the passenger seat.

JACK:
Remember the place on Foothill where I used to take you when you were a kid, get you burgers and shakes?

SHAWN:
Yeah, it's Red Robin. It's still there.

JACK:
That's the one. I'll meet you there in an hour. I'll be there. (drives away) Yee-haw!

MARK arrives with his men and aims a gun at them. SHAWN and GUS raise their hands.

MARK:
Damn it! You gave him the gold, didn't you?

CANDELARIA runs up with his men.

CANDELARIA:
Hey, that's my gold!

Both parties turn their guns on each other.

MARK:
Who the hell are you?

SHAWN:
If there were doves flying around, we'd be in a John Woo movie.

MARK:
Son of a bitch!

CANDELARIA:
I'm going to kill Jack!

MARK:
Oh, you know Jack?

CANDELARIA:
He was my partner.

MARK:
He was my partner.

SHAWN:
Uh, technically, Iron Giant guy, he was all of our partners. And the guy who answers the phone at Fu's Palace.

GUS:
And the guy at the muffler shop.

SHAWN:
Good catch, Gus. Look, fellas, we're just gonna roll on out if that's cool. Let you settle your business here. (starts backing away)

Guns are aimed at them once more.

MARK:
Not so fast. Why don't we just take the nephew here and ransom his ass for the gold?

CANDELARIA:
We have no other choice.

SHAWN:
No, no, no, no. No. You... You always have a choice. You could ransom Gus’s ass. You could swirl it up. You could ransom half my ass and half his ass.

At that moment, the police arrive. JULIET, HENRY and LASSITER are in the lead car followed by black-and-whites. LASSITER gets out of the car and aims his gun at the men.

LASSITER:
Drop it!

JULIET:
(also has gun drawn) Hands in the air!

MARK, CANDELARIA and their men lower their weapons. SHAWN mouths to HENRY that he’s okay and HENRY nods. Later, the men are being led away in handcuffs and HENRY is standing with SHAWN and GUS.

GUS:
Shawn, you know I don't curse very often. So, when I do, you know I mean it. What the hell just happened?

SHAWN:
I thought you weren't a big fan of the wrap-up.

GUS just glares at him.

SHAWN:
All right, I’ll give it to you. So, back at the station, I realize Andres' accent isn't Spanish, it's Argentinean. And that's where Uncle Jack just got back from, so I figure he's one of Jack's partners.

GUS:
How did you know that?

HENRY:
You worked at that winery in Argentina for a year. I kept the postcards.

SHAWN:
You did?

HENRY:
I use 'em as beer coasters.

SHAWN is surprised by this revelation.

GUS:
Okay, Shawn, but...

SHAWN:
So that's why I called Andres “che”, to see if he'd react. Which he did. because in Argentina, “che” is slang for "buddy" or "pal". Sort of like I call you "black star" or "home skillet" or "big baby Burton."

GUS:
Don't ever call me "home skillet."

SHAWN:
Right.

GUS:
But why didn't you tell anybody?

SHAWN:
I did. She knew just what to do with it. (looks over at JULIET)

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, DAY

We see that when SHAWN bumped into JULIET, he slipped her a note: “Andres is not real. Follow us. You smell nice.”

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

EXT. WOODS, ROAD, DAY

HENRY:
Doesn't matter what happened. The important thing is you guys are safe, and nobody got hurt. Now, let's get out of here. I -I'm too old to be staying up all night. (walks away)

SHAWN and GUS start following.

GUS:
I can't believe I lost my other shoe.

SHAWN:
Dude, I will buy you another pair. Just tell me you didn't really drop 200 bones on sneakers.

GUS:
No, Shawn. I was making a point.

SHAWN:
How much were they really?

GUS:
80 bucks. And I have $32 left on my Foot Locker gift card.

SHAWN:
So, what am I looking at, like 30 bucks?

GUS:
48.

SHAWN:
I'm in for half. We'll get some jerk chicken on the way home.

GUS:
Fine.

INT. RED ROBIN, DAY

SHAWN is sitting alone at a table. He has a meal in front of him. HENRY shows up.

HENRY:
Hey.

SHAWN:
Hey.

HENRY:
(sits) Strawberry, huh?

SHAWN:
(slides glass across) Oh, you got to taste it.

HENRY:
(takes a sip) I'd still go vanilla, but it's good.

SHAWN:
Are you kidding me? That is the best shake on the planet. One part ice cream, two parts awesome.

HENRY:
It's been a long time since you called me for a ride.

SHAWN:
Yeah, well, Gus got tired of waiting for someone who wasn't gonna show.

HENRY:
All right, look, Shawn, here's the thing about your Uncle Jack. He'll always come back. You're not the first to get duped. You certainly won't be the last. Welcome to the club, kid.

SHAWN:
I guess I probably owe you an apology. I can see now where Uncle Jack might not have been the best role model.

HENRY:
Yeah, maybe not.

SHAWN:
Why didn't you say anything when I was a kid?

HENRY:
Because I always wanted you to have the... The “fun uncle” in your life. I was only hard on you because I didn't want your life to turn out like the “fun uncle”.

SHAWN:
Well, it didn't. Not totally.

WAITRESS:
Here you go. (takes away basket and leaves change)

SHAWN:
Thanks.

HENRY:
(picks up a penny) You know the penny thing? Your grandpa taught me that, and then I taught it to Jack when we were kids. He just took it to another whole level.

SHAWN:
(chuckles) Yeah, he, uh, he seems to do that a lot.

HENRY:
I still can't believe that he got away with the gold. You got to think that someday all this stuff is gonna catch up with him, huh?

SHAWN:
Yeah. And that day might just be today. (drops gold coins onto the table)

HENRY:
(taken aback and whispers) Does Gus know about this?

SHAWN:
Oh, yeah. He's got the rest of it. Don't worry, we're donating it to the museum.

HENRY:
All of it?

SHAWN:
Ish.

HENRY stammers, unable to get out a coherent sentence.

SHAWN:
I saw Jack following us. I knew he was gonna show up in the car. I made the switch when we were running through the forest.

HENRY:
So, what does Jack have?

SHAWN smiles.

EXT. ROAD, DAY

JACK has pulled over to the side of the road. He chuckles as he opens the bag. However, instead of the coins, he dumps out rocks. He pushes the rocks around in the hopes of finding gold. The only shiny thing he finds is a penny.

JACK:
Well done, Shawnie. (chuckles) Well done. Well done.

Transcript: Psych 3x03 Daredevils!

jpgr — Thu, 18 May 2023 02:18:43 GMT

1987

EXT. ROAD, DAY

Kids are lined along the road chanting Shawn’s name and pumping their arms. A young BOY is standing by a ramp with a walkie-talkie.

BOY:
(into walkie) Shawn, this'll never work. I've done the math. The ramp's too short. You'll have to let me duck.

At the opposite end of the road from the BOY, SHAWN is on his bicycle wearing a towel over his shoulders like a cape. He also has on HENRY’S police helmet. He lowers the visor and begins to pedal. The kids continue to chant.

BOY:
(into walkie) Shawn! Shawn! Shawn, stop! Abort. Abort. Abort! Oh, crap.

HENRY grabs SHAWN and the bike continues up the ramp. His audience runs away.

HENRY:
(picks up helmet) What the hell do you think you're doing, Shawn?!

SHAWN:
(angry) Dad, you ruined everything!

HENRY:
Of all the boneheaded stunts you've pulled in your life, this is without a doubt the dumbest. Shawn, what in the name of everything that's holy would possess you to do something so incredibly stupid?

SHAWN:
All the kids from my class wanted to see me do it. See?

No one else is there.

HENRY:
No, see what, Shawn? Come here. Listen to me. (kneels and puts a hand on SHAWN’S shoulder) You think your fans came out here to see you make this jump?

SHAWN:
Yeah.

HENRY:
They came out here to see you crack your head open. Which basically makes you no different than the kid in class who can shoot milk out of his eye.

SHAWN:
(excited) Do you think I could be as popular as him?

HENRY stands and walks away.

PRESENT DAY

INT. STADIUM, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are at an arena in town walking to their seats with snacks.

GUS:
I can't believe you did this, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Apparently you're unaware that some churros have more nutrients than carrots. 12 more of these, I’ll have my RDA of riboflavin.

GUS:
No, I mean accepting tickets to some ridiculous tractor pull as payment for a case.

SHAWN:
Gus, (to woman as they take their seats) excuse us - when your clients are carnie folk, it's this or 20 rides on a rusted Tilt-a-Whirl. And I remember the last time you got on one of those.

GUS:
You know I had early onset vertigo.

SHAWN:
The important thing is that Wolf Boy and his gold teeth have been reunited.

SHAWN reaches for GUS’S snacks and GUS slaps him.

GUS:
Don't play, Shawn.

ANNOUNCER:
(over loudspeaker) Ladies and gentlemen, please give a huge Santa Barbara welcome to our opening act. Put your hands together for the heart-stopping, gravity-mystifying, death-defying, Dutch "The Clutch" Jenkins!

An older man with long greying hair steps out to greet the audience. He is wearing a blue suit with red lapels with silver stars. The audience claps. SHAWN is surprised to see him. GUS has no idea who the man is. DUTCH gets on his motorcycle.

SHAWN:
I can't believe it, dude. It's Dutch the Clutch.

GUS:
What, you know that guy?

SHAWN:
Dude, you don't remember Dutch the Clutch? He was on That’s Incredible once when we were kids. And he jumped Springfield Gorge.

GUS:
That was Homer Simpson.

ANNOUNCER:
(over loudspeaker) Dutch will attempt to launch himself through the ring of fire and land safely on the other side. But for the first time ever, Dutch will attempt this stunt without the benefit of his sight!

Two crew members come out to help with the blindfold and his helmet.

GUS:
That guy is crazy.

SHAWN:
Crazy awesome.

DUTCH starts the engine as confetti falls and lights come on along the ramp.

ANNOUNCER:
(over loudspeaker) Here we go, folks. Hold on to your seats!

They light the ring on fire. DUTCH slaps his helmet twice and accelerates onto the ramp, flames coming out of the exhaust. As he’s in the air approaching the ring, SHAWN sees gas leaking from the tank. DUTCH goes through the ring and the tank explodes and DUTCH falls off the bike. Some of the audience stands and applauds, thinking it part of the act. DUTCH rolls down the ramp and that’s when people gasp. Two of his crew rush over, calling for a medic. Two paramedics hurry over with a gurney.

ANNOUNCER:
(over loudspeaker) Everyone, please remain calm.

Two firemen use extinguishers on the bike and DUTCH. SHAWN and GUS exchange looks, not knowing what’s going on. DUTCH then stands with some assistance. He then pushes them away, takes off his helmet, puts his arms out wide.

DUTCH:
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

The audience cheers and applauds like crazy.

ANNOUNCER:
(over loudspeaker) He's okay! Everyone, show your appreciation for a true American hero, Dutch the Clutch Jenkins!

A young woman runs up to DUTCH and hugs him followed by his crew.

GUS:
That was insane.

SHAWN:
No. That was attempted murder. (takes a bite of his churro)

**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“Daredevils!”
By
Anupam Nigam

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
John Badham

**********************************************************************

EXT. CALIFORNIA STATE FAIR, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk past some booths.

SHAWN:
Dutch! Dutch the Clutch! You honestly don't remember him?

GUS:
No. Why is this such a big deal for you?

SHAWN:
Gus, guys like me and him are cut from the same cloth, okay? We cast aside the rules of society. We laugh in the face of danger. We ignore the tiny voice in our head that tells us not to do stuff.

GUS:
The tiny voice in my head says, “There's a reason I’m the only black person here.”

SHAWN:
I'm telling you, man, someone tried to kill him. Take it from a fellow motorcycle guy.

GUS:
Please, what was the last repair you did to your bike?

WOMAN:
Can you get that?

GUS picks up a basketball that escaped one of the games and throws it, missing completely.

SHAWN:
Does adding a sticker count? Regardless, fuel lines do not randomly spring leaks. There's a killer out there, and he or she failed. So, they're bound to try again.

GUS:
How the hell are we supposed to protect someone who straps himself to a rocket-powered bike and sails through a wall of fire?

SHAWN:
I'm working on it.

They are stopped by a tall muscular man.

MAN:
Can I help you?

SHAWN:
Yes, I’m Shawn Spencer, police psychic, amateur daredevil, denture-wearer and strawberry crepe enthusiast.

MAN:
You're not on the list.

SHAWN:
List? Dude, they're about to start racing ocelots in half an hour. There's no way you have a velvet rope here.

GUS:
Let's go, Shawn.

SHAWN:
No, no, no. I'm here to tell you that something was off with Dutch's last stunt. He is in danger and I sense foul play. It's both a daredevil and a psychic thing. You'll just have to trust me.

As SHAWN is talking, a YOUNG MAN in the background listens.

MAN:
Sir, I want you to turn around and get the hell out of...

YOUNG MAN:
(to MAN) Hey, give me a sec with these guys, yeah? (puts an arm over each of their shoulders and walks them away) I'm Lewis. Dutch is my dad.

SHAWN:
Ah!

LEWIS:
So, uh, what the hell do you mean by foul play?

GUS:
We're private investigators. He's a psychic.

SHAWN:
You left out the daredevil part.

GUS:
And that's why he knows the stunt was tampered with.

LEWIS:
A psychic, huh? I don't know about that sort of thing, but, uh, you might be on to something. My dad's last two stunts didn't go off right either. And I have been noticing some weird things lately.

SHAWN:
Well, you're lucky. We're in the business of weird.

LEWIS:
(looks SHAWN over) What would you need for me to hire you?

GUS:
A retainer check for $2.000.

SHAWN:
(talks over GUS) Dutch's autograph.

GUS shoves SHAWN in the back.

SHAWN:
Man, I will punch you in the knee.

GUS:
(raises his knee) Go ahead, I dare... aah! (cries out after SHAWN slaps him)

LEWIS:
Look, guys, money's a little tight right now. Last month we shared the bill with Yippy the hiccupping terrier.

GUS:
He's still hiccupping?

SHAWN:
Dude, you know that, but you don't know who Dutch the Clutch is?

GUS:
He's been hiccupping for nine years, Shawn. It's a canine record.

LEWIS:
Hey! Guys, please. Look, no offense, but my dad's not gonna let some psychic guy hang around him. His circle's air-tight. But we'll work something out. Come on. There's an after party. Let's go.

LEWIS puts his arms around their shoulders again and leads them backstage.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

LASSITER signs a form for a WOMAN.

LASSITER:
Okay.

WOMAN:
Thanks.

JULIET enters seeming chipper.

JULIET:
You ready? Interrogation Room A.

LASSITER:
Great. (puts on suit jacket)

JULIET:
So?

LASSITER:
So what?

JULIET:
Your date Friday night. Details! What happened?

LASSITER:
Well, we ordered the crab cakes.

JULIET:
Mmm.

LASSITER:
(straightens tie) And she went to the bathroom and didn't come back.

JULIET gasps.

LASSITER:
So, either it went badly or she's still in the bathroom.

JULIET:
Oh, Carlton, I’m sorry.

LASSITER makes a non-committal sound and heads for the door.

JULIET:
(realizes what went wrong and follows) You told the dead clown story, didn't you?

LASSITER:
What? That is a funny story.

JULIET:
Clowns are funny. Stories about them being shot to death, not so much. Please tell me you didn't draw a diagram of the bullet holes.

LASSITER:
Well, there were crayons on the table. What was I supposed to do?

JULIET:
You took her to a restaurant that had crayons on the table?

LASSITER:
(puts his hands on her shoulders) Thank you for your concern. I am fine. (goes down the stairs) Interrogation Room A, right?

JULIET:
Yes.

EXT. BEACHSIDE BAR, DAY

As LEWIS leads SHAWN and GUS to the deck where the party is happening, DUTCH’S AGENT is on the phone. Loud rock music is playing.

AGENT:
What do I sound like? An agent in the Valley? This is Dutch the Clutch. What are you, deaf? He doesn't get out of bed for less than two grand. 3,500. 3,500, that's it. That’s it.

SHAWN:
Wow. You know, The Allman brothers generally tend to inhibit my psychic powers. So, why don't you just tell me, is there anyone that'd like to see your dad bite the bullet?

LEWIS:
Just about everybody that comes to the show.

GUS:
Anyone in here in particular have a grudge with him?

LEWIS:
Against my dad?

GUS:
Yeah.

LEWIS:
No way. Everybody here loves him. Can't understand why anyone would want to hurt him. In fact, I’ve been trying to get him to retire altogether. (takes them to the bar)

SHAWN:
Why doesn't he listen?

LEWIS:
Give up the spotlight? Give up the applause? The love? Never. Besides, well…

GUS:
Oh, no. (refuses the beer)

LEWIS:
…my dad thinks he's unkillable. But he's wrong. He's flesh and blood. My flesh and blood. That's why I’m counting on you boys. Okay, let me... let me introduce you to my dad. (leads them away)

GUS:
Do we have our cover stories yet?

LEWIS:
Don't worry, I take care of all the finances and hirings. Pop, found us the two new Diehards you asked for.

DUTCH is sitting at a table with the same woman who hugged him after the accident. LEWIS sits down at the table.

DUTCH:
Damn, already?

SHAWN:
Actually, I’m Die Hard. He's Die Harder. We have two other guys in our crew, but they aren't nearly as good as us.

DUTCH:
Well, how the hell you do that so quick? Especially after what happened to that last bunch.

GUS:
Excuse me, what happened to the last bunch?

DUTCH:
Well, we can't talk about it for legal reasons. All I know is our attorney said that it ain't decapitation if the head don't come off all the way. (laughs) I joke, I joke!

GUS:
He better be.

SHAWN:
That's morbid!

The younger woman who was laughing with DUTCH reaches out her hand and introduces herself.

VIKI:
Hi, I’m Viki, Dutch's wife. Now you boys have experience, right? It's up to you to keep my man safe.

DUTCH:
That's right. Hey, what's the most dangerous thing you boys done?

SHAWN:
We eat at Taco John's with some frequency. So that puts us right there on the edge.

DUTCH:
Oh, we got ourselves a couple of comedians. (laughs) I like that! Okay, you boys got the job... (slams his fist on the table) Oh, damn!

GUS:
Did you just break your wrist?

DUTCH:
Yeah, well, it's okay. Nothing busted through the skin.

LEWIS:
Dad, maybe you should take a break. I mean, you almost got killed today.

DUTCH:
Oh, come on, son. You just worry about your own safety. I'll be fine.

VIKI:
Well, maybe Lewis is right. And we can finally take that vacation to Dollywood!

GUS:
Uh, not to overstep, but I think you may still have a concussion from earlier.

DUTCH:
Concussion? (stands) Hell, I’ve had a concussion since 1982. True story. (to everyone) Anybody else's beer taste like metal? (lifts his beer with a whoop)

An ad comes on the TV at the bar for another daredevil.

TV ANNOUNCER:
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday…

DUTCH:
(walks to the TV) Who the hell put that on there?!

GUS:
Okay, did we miss something?

LEWIS:
Hell, that's El Diablo.

SHAWN:
What is an El Diablo?

LEWIS:
He's nobody. Just some wannabe daredevil. No one knows who he is because he always wears a mask.

DUTCH:
Right there! (points at TV) See that right there? That's why we can't take no damn vacation. That son of a bitch is right on my heels.

LEWIS:
Relax, Dad. He's amateur hour compared to you.

The AGENT joins them.

AGENT:
Dutch, forget about El Diablo. I got you that canyon jump in September.

DUTCH:
Rock on, Manny!

They shake hands and DUTCH cries out in pain.

MANNY:
I told you, Clutch. Explosions. Crashes. That's what people pay to see. You keep that up, I'm gonna get you on TV. And it won't be that infomercial for the home stomach pump. This is gonna be one of those rain delay filler shows.

They chuckle. LEWIS stands and walks to them.

LEWIS:
Dad, please. It's too soon to be adding new stunts.

DUTCH:
Oh, bull piss! Ain't nobody telling me I can't do anything no more.

GUS:
I think that was the worst English I’ve ever heard.

DUTCH climbs up onto one of the tables near the railing still holding his beer.

DUTCH:
All right! $200 that I’m gonna take a fall!

MANNY:
$300!

DUTCH:
(auctioning as crowd gathers) 300! 350! 400! 450! 550! 650!

DUTCH falls backwards over the railing. SHAWN and GUS rush over to see that he has landed on a pile of garbage bags.

DUTCH:
Glen Campbell rocks! Oh, damn. I spilled my beer. (laughs)

SHAWN:
It might be harder to keep this guy alive than I thought.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

JULIET enters the office.

JULIET:
You need me, Chief?

VICK:
(seated at desk) Why is someone lodging a complaint against my head detective? That's the third one this month.

JULIET:
He's just going through a rough patch right now. He'll be fine. I think he's having some serious dating problems.

VICK:
Oh. (stands and walks to small fridge for water) You know, when I used to work vice, my partner was an alcoholic. And one night I went over to his house, handcuffed him to a radiator and made him dry out. And when he finally sobered up, I gave him a choice. Go into department rehab program or chew your hand off for freedom. He chose the program.

JULIET:
Is that a real story?

VICK:
Maybe it is. Maybe I saw it on an old Police Woman rerun. The point is, O’Hara, sometimes it's up to the cop's partner to keep their head above water, huh? To do what's necessary to make sure that they stay on course. Get me?

JULIET:
Yes, Chief. (exits)

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

JULIET doesn’t know what to make of the advice she was just given. BUZZ meets her.

BUZZ:
(gives JULIET phone message) Hmm, this is for you. What's wrong?

JULIET:
The Chief just gave me some really weird advice.

BUZZ:
Well, what does she want?

JULIET:
Well, I can't be sure, but I think she wants me to find Lassiter a girlfriend.

BUZZ:
(makes a face) Good luck with that.

INT. PSYCH, DAY

GUS is on the phone while at his desk.

GUS:
That makes sense, I guess. Thanks, Lewis. (ends call) So, Dutch doesn't have a will because apparently invincible people do not need them.

SHAWN sets a box on the desk and takes out a large sheaf of papers, handing it to GUS before taking some to his own desk.

GUS:
What is all this?

SHAWN:
Those are forms that must be filled out so that we can be Die Hards. Just sign them.

GUS:
These release the employer from any liability in case the stunt tester is torn to shreds? Stunt tester? Is that what we're doing? Are you crazy?

SHAWN:
Trust me and be cool. (signs form)

GUS:
Wait, this one is in case we're accidentally chewed to death by a malfunctioning robot? Oh, hell no!

SHAWN:
Relax, we'll be fine.

GUS:
(reads through pages) Deboned? Killed and re-killed? How does that even work?

SHAWN:
(goes to pinball machine) Gus, don't be an old sponge with hair hanging off it. I'm all over this case.

GUS:
Mimed to death?

SHAWN:
That's clearly a typo. They meant "maimed." What, are we gonna be killed by Marcel Marceau?

GUS:
Marcel Marceau is dead.

SHAWN:
See, there's nothing to worry about.

GUS:
(walks over) We are solving this case, Shawn, before we have to do any of this stuff.

SHAWN:
Fair. I've been checking out this El Diablo guy. He always rolls into town the day after Dutch. And they've been competing for the same gigs for almost a year. Including that canyon jump that Dutch just got.

GUS:
All right, motive. Wipe out Dutch and the field is clear. And El Diablo is a daredevil so he would know how to sabotage the stunts to make it look like an accident.

SHAWN:
I'll buy that.

GUS:
And someone at the party told me that El Diablo performed at the fair the night before Dutch, when Dutch's team was, no doubt, prepping for their stunt.

SHAWN:
You're saying they had access to Dutch's equipment.

GUS:
I'm sold. He's our guy. So where is he? Where do we find this El Diablo?

SHAWN:
How do you feel about checking out some old antique motorcycles?

EXT. MOTORCYCLE SHOW, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk around the few tents set up.

SHAWN:
They call this a motorcycle show? There's, like, four motorcycles here. They don't even have the bike from Blue Thunder.

GUS:
That was a helicopter.

SHAWN:
You're right. I was thinking of Blue Lagoon.

GUS:
There wasn't a bike in Blue Lagoon.

SHAWN:
How'd they get off the island, Gus?

EL DIABLO is signing autographs in full racing gear.

SHAWN:
Yo, El Diablo! What's up, man? Shawn Spencer, this is my partner, Squirts Macintosh. Just have a couple sort of serious questions for you.

EL DIABLO turns to mount his bike.

SHAWN:
Oh, no, no, no, you don't have to get on the bike.

EL DIABLO revs his bike then takes off, forcing SHAWN and GUS to move out of the way.

SHAWN:
Dude, he's running. International sign of guilt. Let's go! Quick.

They run to a vintage motorcycle with a sidecar. SHAWN puts on a leather jacket.

SHAWN:
Get in the sidecar.

GUS:
Are you out of your damn mind? I'm not getting in that thing. You get in there.

SHAWN:
Gus, you have absolutely no idea how to drive a motorcycle. Get in the sidecar. (zips up the jacket and puts on gloves)

GUS gets in the sidecar and they both put on helmets and goggles. SHAWN looks at his reflection.

SHAWN:
Dude, it's like High Road to China.

GUS:
What are you doing?

SHAWN:
We're going, we're going.

SHAWN revs the engine and takes off, leaving GUS behind, coughing the exhaust.

EXT. PARK, DAY

EL DIABLO races through the park, scaring pedestrians. SHAWN chases him and begins to gain when EL DIABLO has engine trouble. SHAWN passes him and blocks the trail, causing EL DIABLO to swerve and crash, his helmet coming off. SHAWN takes off his helmet and hurries over, grabbing EL DIABLO as he starts to get up. He pulls off the headcover to reveal LEWIS.

SHAWN:
Lewis? You're El Diablo?

GUS arrives on a tiny putt-putt motorcycle.

GUS:
Lewis?!

SHAWN:
That is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.

GUS:
Shut up, Shawn. (stands and heads over to the others) You're guilty of attempted patricide.

SHAWN:
And you tried to kill your own dad. (throws headcover at him)

LEWIS:
I never tried to kill anyone. You really think I’d hire detectives if I wanted to bump off my own dad? What kind of psychic are you?

SHAWN:
The kind that loves bees and historical novels. The kind that knows a lie when he hears one.

GUS:
And knows that only the guilty make a run for it.

LEWIS:
The only thing I am guilty of is not telling my dad that I do this too. And I ran because I don't want you two exposing my secret.

SHAWN:
Why hide it?

LEWIS:
My dad forbids me from being a daredevil because he didn't want me to get hurt. Do you know what it's like to have your father tell you not to follow in his footsteps?

SHAWN:
I wish.

LEWIS:
(picks up helmet) I did this because I care about my dad. As soon as El Diablo starts making some noise and he knows I’m legit, then I’ll tell him. (picks up bike) Then maybe he'll let me take over the family business and finally retire. Hopefully before he gets really hurt.

SHAWN looks closely at the motorcycle and sees that LEWIS painted over the name “Vicki” – the name that is on DUTCH’S current bike.

SHAWN:
Whoa! Psychic vision! Incoming! I see colors. On your hands. On your bike. On your hands. My daughter… My sister... My Father the Hero.

LEWIS:
Yeah, I repainted my bike recently. I had paint on my hands.

SHAWN:
Repainted why? Because you stole it from your dad?

LEWIS:
I borrowed it. Dad was supposed to use this in the last jump but Manny got us a sponsor and a new bike. Tech specs said the new bike was way safer. Left this one for me.

SHAWN:
Who the hell is Manny?

GUS:
The agent.

SHAWN:
Oh.

LEWIS:
Look, you guys aren't gonna tell him who I am, right?

SHAWN:
Mmm (picks up LEWIS’ helmet)

LEWIS:
It's a sensitive subject. He won't understand it right away. I just want him to come to grips with... This is what I am. I didn't choose it.

SHAWN:
Yeah. (hands LEWIS his helmet) I had a similar experience with my dad when I told him I wanted to take Gus here to the prom. (laughs) Come on, you and me at the prom? No? Misfire? Okay.

EXT. PARK, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are walking to the car.

SHAWN:
So the exploding motorcycle was provided at the last minute by Dutch's agent Manny. Who probably slapped those sponsor decals on himself. I'd say that warrants investigation.

GUS:
Doesn't make sense. Why would an agent risk his client's life? Isn't that his money train?

SHAWN:
Remember the after party?

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

MANNY:
I told you, Clutch, Explosions, crashes. That's what people pay to see.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

SHAWN:
Manny may not be trying to kill Dutch.

They get into the car.

GUS:
But he's making the stunts more dangerous to add a little pizzazz to Dutch's act.

SHAWN:
Which in turn gets Dutch more gigs!

GUS:
Which in turn is only increasing Manny's 10%.

SHAWN:
Which in turn makes me wonder why you would use the word “pizzazz”.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

JULIET is watching all the women as they passed by, assessing them for girlfriend material. SHAWN and GUS come up behind her.

GUS:
What are you doing?

SHAWN:
I'll give you an A-plus for the skulking, but a C-minus for the leering.

JULIET:
I have to find Lassiter a date for the weekend. I've narrowed it down to three prospective candidates.

SHAWN:
Jules, why would you possibly want to jump into that snake pit?

JULIET:
Vick ordered me to.

SHAWN:
All right. Would you like me to give your candidates the psychic once over?

JULIET:
(stands) If you have to.

SHAWN:
I'm sensing it'll be easier to get a stranger to go out with him than someone he works with.

GUS:
Or knows him.

SHAWN:
Or has ever had a conversation with him.

GUS:
Or he hasn't shot.

SHAWN:
One more question. Are we locked into the same species?

JULIET:
Enough already. What are you guys doing here?

GUS:
We need a background check on Manny Robertson.

JULIET:
Oh, I know that name. Yeah, we've had him in here a few times on some get-rich-quick scams. Why him?

SHAWN:
I'm getting a very strong vibe off him on this awesome daredevils case we're working.

JULIET:
(laughs) Daredevils, really? They're still around?

SHAWN:
Don't... don't do that. Don't hate on the devils.

JULIET:
I just... I-I never got it personally. I mean, "Ooh, I can jump over a flaming trashcan." I mean, why do people care?

GUS:
Allow me. (does his “cool” rubbing his nose with his thumb)

GUS takes two straight-backed chairs and places them side-by-side in the hall.

JULIET:
What is he doing?

SHAWN:
Wait for it.

GUS takes a few steps back and eyes the chairs before getting down into starting position.

SHAWN:
Wait for it!

GUS then runs and jumps over the chairs.

SHAWN:
(applauds) What's up?

Others join in clapping.

ALL:
Gus! Gus! Gus!

Sometime later there are six chairs lined up and a crowd has gathered to watch. JULIET looks at SHAWN who nods. GUS then gives advice to BUZZ who runs and makes the leap, only to have his foot get caught on the last chair. He wipes out. GUS groans in sympathy.

SHAWN:
Ow.

BUZZ:
(gets up) I'm okay, I’m okay, I'm okay.

SHAWN:
Need any more proof?

JULIET:
No, I got it.

Everyone walks away, spell broken.

BUZZ:
I’m…I'm fine.

EXT. DUTCH’S HQ, DAY

SHAWN and GUS drive up ready to confront MANNY.

GUS:
We need to find Manny as soon as possible.

SHAWN:
We should have a little breathing room, actually. If Manny’s our mad saboteur, he won't strike until he has an audience.

GUS:
During the actual stunt. Not during rehearsal.

SHAWN:
Exactly.

At this point, DUTCH comes peeling into the lot.

SHAWN:
Next stunt's tomorrow. (gets out of the car) A jump, closing night of the fair. Dutch should be safe till then. Clutch!

SHAWN and GUS raise their hands in greeting and witness DUTCH’S car explode. They cough from the smoke.

SHAWN:
Or not.

DUTCH gets out of the car coughing and bends over.

SHAWN:
Holy…

SHAWN and GUS hurry over to DUTCH.

GUS:
Are you all right?

DUTCH:
(straightens) What?!

GUS:
(loud) Are you all right? Should we call the cops or the ambulance?

DUTCH:
What the hell for? I've done that stunt a thousand times. That was just a rehearsal.

Four people come out and use fire extinguishers on the car.

DUTCH:
Now it's your turn. Come on, I got you set up over at the stadium.

SHAWN and GUS look at each other as DUTCH walks away. SHAWN smiles and follows.

INT. STADIUM, BACKSTAGE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS follow DUTCH.

SHAWN:
You know, Dutch, seeing as how Gus and I are just getting started, we’ve a couple questions about representation. Namely, your agent Manny.

DUTCH:
First we rehearse. Then I gotta strip Viki down and oil her joints.

GUS:
Wow, not too shy about your wife, are you?

DUTCH:
I'm talking about my bikes. I name 'em all after my wife.

GUS:
Maybe we could just talk to Manny himself. Whereabouts is he?

DUTCH:
I'll call him later, after I give Viki a lube job and pull her nuts. Hey, guys, come on! We gotta get ready for that catapult stunt! (walks off)

A CREW member comes over with two bodysuits.

CREW:
You boys ready to work? Strip and put these on.

Some time later, SHAWN and GUS have changed into the suits and are standing in a baby pool. The same CREW member comes over and makes sure that the suits are done properly.

CREW:
All right, this one's easy. All you gotta do is stand here. (walks away)

GUS:
How the hell are we supposed to help Dutch when we're stuck doing this stuff?

SHAWN:
As long as we're making sure the stunts are safe, he can't get killed.

GUS:
I'll make it safe for me outside.

SHAWN:
You need to man up.

The CREW member returns and hands them head-covering masks.

CREW:
I'd put these masks on if I was you.

SHAWN:
What for?

Another crew member starts spraying them with liquid from a cannister.

GUS:
What is this, an underwater stunt or something? Wait, is that gasoline?

The CREW member starts up a flamethrower and SHAWN and GUS scream like girls and jump out of the pool.

GUS:
You must be out of your damn mind!

CREW:
(turns off the flamethrower) Well, we had to see how fire retardant these suits were.

GUS:
You didn't know that before you tried to set us on fire?

SHAWN pats GUS down and GUS slaps his off.

CREW:
What do you think you're getting paid for?

At that moment MANNY drives up honking the horn.

MANNY:
Dutch, Dutch! Great news, baby. Apparently some crazy fan ran El Diablo off the road at the classic bike show and he injured his shoulder. He can't do the clock tower death drop stunt and I got it for you.

DUTCH:
Rock on, Manny!

They high-five and DUTCH grips his hand in pain.

CREW:
All right, we're gonna have to rig these two up and drop 'em off the building first.

SHAWN raises his hand to say something.

MANNY:
No, no, no time to rehearse.

GUS:
Thank you, Lord.

MANNY:
The time of the event was already advertised. If we want it, we gotta do it now. You up for it, Dutch?

DUTCH:
What, are you kidding? (climbs into the back seat and around to the front) Hell, one time I bungee jumped off a building twice as high as that tower. And even though the bungee cord snapped on the way down, I still made it to the George Thorogood concert that night. True story. Yeehaw!

MANNY:
Yes, sir! We're gonna make some money, Dutch.

MANNY and DUTCH drive away.

GUS:
No rehearsal? That's convenient. Manny's rushing Dutch into another stunt unprepared.

SHAWN:
Another stunt. Another chance for sabotage.

EXT. TOP OF CLOCK TOWER, DAY

SHAWN and GUS look out over the side of the tower. There is a small tent where DUTCH is getting ready. There is also a camera crew.

GUS:
What is going on?

SHAWN:
Apparently Dutch is going to jump from the building, spread his arms, and glide down to that large pillow, all live on camera for some daredevil web site.

VIKI opens the curtains with a flourish and poses for the cameras. DUTCH then steps out wearing his suit and also poses.

DUTCH:
Red!

SHAWN and GUS turn away to face him and sigh. They watch as RED, the crew member from earlier, helps adjust the stunt suit. He is wearing a jacket advertising Dunkin’ Donuts.

SHAWN:
You see that?

GUS:
Yes. Now I’m in the mood for some coffee.

SHAWN:
What are you talking about?

GUS:
Coffee, Shawn.

SHAWN:
What are you looking at?

GUS:
The same thing you're looking at.

SHAWN:
It's a Dunkin' Donuts patch, Gus.

GUS:
And they have excellent coffee. They have one on my extended route.

SHAWN:
You know what, dude? You astound me. And now I must have a blueberry crumb. It's totally triggered my donut launch sequence.

GUS:
Will you focus, Shawn?

SHAWN:
I can't.

SHAWN looks over and sees MANNY whispering in DUTCH’S ear. DUTCH then mounts the steps by the edge and hold out his arms to his sides, showing his paneled red, white & blue cape. He knocks on his head with his fist a couple of times and prepares to jump. SHAWN then sees a hastily sewn seam attaching two panels.

SHAWN:
No, don't jump!

SHAWN grabs DUTCH by the waist to pull him away from the edge but the momentum sends them over, screaming. Everyone runs over to see that DUTCH his holding onto the ledge and SHAWN is holding onto him.

MANNY:
Jeez!

DUTCH:
What the hell's wrong with you?

MANNY:
Everything's wrecked now. (reaches down to help pull up DUTCH)

VIKI:
Are you all right, baby?

SHAWN:
Gus! A little help!

GUS:
Grab my hand! Grab my hand!

GUS pulls SHAWN up while MANNY and LEWIS help DUTCH.

VIKI:
(hits SHAWN on the back) You could've killed my husband, you idiot!

MANNY:
Gotcha!

DUTCH is safely back on the tower.

SHAWN:
Idiot? How about mind-blowing genius? Dutch, please. Spread your arms the way you would in the middle of the stunt.

DUTCH:
I don't take orders from nimrods like you.

VIKI:
Dutch, do it. Do it!

DUTCH does so and the cape rips at the seam. He realizes that he could have died. VIKI gasps.

SHAWN:
If you would've jumped, you would've died.

INT. DUTCH’S TRAILER, DAY

Everyone is inside and DUTCH is pissed at SHAWN.

DUTCH:
What the hell kind of stunt was that you tried to pull out there? Nobody steals my spotlight! Nobody! You're just damn lucky Manny pulled me off that roof before I got a chance to throw you off it!

SHAWN:
Dutch, I’m gonna level with you. We're not really professional stuntmen.

GUS:
No.

DUTCH:
Now that’d explain all the screaming. So what the hell's going on?

GUS:
Uh, we're, um, uh...

SHAWN:
Animal activists!

GUS:
Right.

SHAWN:
And that is the truth. We are here to stop you from abusing any more large impressive exotic game in your act. Shame on you, Dutch the Clutch.

DUTCH:
I ain't got no animals in my act!

SHAWN:
Well, that settles that. Gus and I will be going.

GUS and SHAWN stand and try to leave.

DUTCH:
Sit down!

They sit.

DUTCH:
Now the next thing that comes out of your mouth better be the truth. Otherwise we're gonna start rehearsing that “bury you alive” stunt.

GUS:
(stands) We're detectives. He's a psychic. We were hired by your son.

LEWIS:
Look, Dad, I can explain.

DUTCH:
I'm a Christian man! What the hell are you trying to do getting me all mixed up in that voodoo dark force stuff?

GUS:
He... We think that someone is trying to sabotage your stunts.

LEWIS:
Let's just hear 'em out. Have you guys found anything?

GUS:
Yes, we think that it's your...

SHAWN:
(interrupts) We're not sure who it is yet, exactly. (stands)

DUTCH:
That's because nobody's trying to kill me. News flash! Almost dying's par for the course for my line of work.

SHAWN:
(puts hand to head) Dutch, someone tampered with that gliding suit. The spirits are sure of it.

DUTCH:
That gliding suit tore because I bought it during the gliding suit boom in 1977. And that fall wouldn't have killed me! Damn, one time I jumped out a blimp 500 feet in the sky. Had a heart attack on the way down. Two hours later, I was eating a BLT in Red Robin. True story!

SHAWN:
Dutch, please listen to us.

DUTCH:
No! You listen to me because I’m only gonna say it one time. You're fired! Red, help these boys out.

RED grabs SHAWN by the shoulder.

GUS:
Wait a second. Whoa, Red! Whoa!

SHAWN sees a tattoo on RED’S arm that says “Vikings”. RED pushes him towards the door.

SHAWN:
Huh, so we're not gonna shoot Gus out of a cannon later? No?

EXT. DUTCH’S TRAILER, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are thrown out.

SHAWN:
Okay, okay.

They look back at the trailer questioningly.

INT. CAR, NIGHT

JULIET and LASSITER are on a stakeout. LASSITER is taking photos.

LASSITER:
There's something I love about these low-rent stakeouts. All you gotta do is snap some pictures of a guy with some stolen merchandise.

JULIET:
Why didn't you wear the burgundy turtleneck?

LASSITER:
Because it didn't occur to me to change for a stakeout. Why?

JULIET:
No reason. I just... I really like you in that burgundy turtleneck. And with short hair. And you know what else? A little cologne wouldn't kill you.

LASSITER:
All right, you think I don't know what's going on here. Look, I’ve noticed you kind of checking me out at the squad and asking about my dating habits.

JULIET:
It's not a big deal. It's just...

LASSITER:
Listen, it is perfectly normal for a junior officer to develop feelings for her superior, someone she feels is a mentor and...

JULIET:
Oh, no! (laughs) No, no! Oh, my God, no.

LASSITER:
O’Hara, it's okay.

JULIET:
No, no, Vick ordered me to find you a girlfriend.

LASSITER:
What?

JULIET:
Yeah. You know, we've noticed that you've been on edge lately. And thought it might help. And I have this friend you can meet later who likes cops…

LASSITER:
I don't believe this. That's a total invasion of my privacy, not to mention unprofessional. And so what? I sleep alone. So what if I saw a frozen dinner in half before I microwave it every night? So what if I seriously considered planting evidence on my wife's new boyfriend? I mean, that's... It’s just... Oh, God. I may need your help.

JULIET:
That's all I want to do. (checks phone) Oh, damn, I’m not getting a signal. All right, I’m gonna go find a hot spot and then when I get back, I'll tell you all about my friend. (leaves)

INT. PSYCH, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS enter.

GUS:
Why didn't you tell them about Manny?

SHAWN:
Because it's not him. When Manny was adjusting Dutch's suit before the stunt he whispered something in his ear. I, of course, read his lips. He said he didn't want him wearing that gliding suit. He wanted him to wear the black one because it was far more slimming. And then he said, "Purple camel lawn mower, man."

As he is talking, SHAWN takes two cans out of the fridge. GUS takes one as SHAWN puts the other away. After GUS opens the can, SHAWN takes it and drinks from it.

GUS:
How the hell are we supposed to help Dutch now that we've been banished?

SHAWN:
I'm gonna go over there and start working on it. (walks away and leaves fridge open)

GUS:
You're wasting energy, Shawn. Do you see solar panels up in here? (takes a can from fridge before closing it)

INT, STADIUM, BACKSTAGE, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS are with LEWIS.

LEWIS:
Come on, now, you guys gotta hurry. The next stunt is coming up fast. Dad'll kill me if he finds out I let you back in here.

SHAWN:
Don't worry, Lewis. We'll be as nonexistent as an Aldo Nova fan.

LEWIS opens a door and lets them into the area where they test stunts.

GUS:
So, what are we looking for?

SHAWN:
Red. When he gave us the heave-ho, I saw an old tattoo on his arm. First four letters spelled "Viki" but in a slightly different font from the rest.

GUS:
So?

SHAWN:
So he was probably seeing her before she married Dutch. Right? She leaves him, he gets a different tattoo artist to add the "n-g-s" to conceal it from his boss.

GUS:
Maybe Red's trying to eliminate the competition.

SHAWN:
Bingo.

They see RED wheeling out one of DUTCH’S motorcycles. He’s acting a little cagey. They follow, staying out of sight. They stop near a machine with snacks. SHAWN twists the dial to take food without taking his eyes off RED.

GUS:
Let me go first. I'm more stealthy.

SHAWN:
In your dreams.

GUS:
I'm as graceful as a gazelle, Shawn.

SHAWN:
You are not.

GUS:
A jackal.

SHAWN:
Dude, a jackal is not graceful. It's like a rabid, vicious badger.

SHAWN holds out his hand and GUS takes some of the food.

GUS:
Ssshhh. (enters Jackal Mode)

SHAWN walks alongside GUS and they watch as RED takes out a small red plastic case.

SHAWN:
Now what is that?

GUS:
This is it. I bet you that's a bomb and he's gonna put it on one of the bikes.

RED leaves the room with the case.

SHAWN:
Hmm.

They sneak over to the door and peer through the window. They see RED setting up an IV and DUTCH unbuttoning his shirt.

DUTCH:
Come on, Red. Let's get this over with.

GUS:
What the heck?

SHAWN sees the names on the IV bag and the bottle.

SHAWN:
Dude, why would someone take gemcetabine or capecitabine?

GUS:
Wow, you were nowhere close on the pronunciation.

SHAWN:
What are they for?

GUS:
Those two together, you probably got pancreatic cancer.

SHAWN:
Prognosis?

GUS:
Not good. It's pretty terminal.

SHAWN:
He's dying?

SHAWN and GUS walk back through the main area.

GUS:
So Red is not the bad guy. He wouldn't smuggle in drugs to help Dutch and then turn around and kill him.

SHAWN:
This case is bizarre. Why kill someone if he's already dying?

GUS:
That begs the question who knows he's dying?

EXT. STADIUM, DAY

SHAWN:
We don't come up with something soon, he's a goner. We need to know who stands to gain from Dutch's death. And for that we need his will.

GUS:
But Lewis said there was no will.

SHAWN:
(peers into the trailer window) He doesn't know his dad's dying, Gus. If you were dying of cancer, wouldn't you have a will? (listens at the door)

GUS:
Are you kidding? I've had my estate planner on speed dial ever since we started this stupid business. Do you know how many times I’ve had a gun shoved in my face because of you?

SHAWN:
Three? (opens the door)

GUS:
Wrong answer.

They go inside and GUS shuts the door after them.

INT. DUTCH’S TRAILER, DAY

SHAWN is kneeling on the floor looking through a file box while GUS looks in the bedroom.

GUS:
We're never gonna find it.

SHAWN:
(looks at floor tile) Wait a minute. There's something weird with this tile.

GUS:
Looks fine to me.

SHAWN:
(opens Swiss Army knife) No, no, no. The pattern's off, just a little bit. Like someone pried one up and put it down wrong.

SHAWN pries up the tile to reveal an envelope.

SHAWN:
Bingo. (grabs the envelope)

GUS:
Is that his will?

SHAWN:
(opens envelope) It's just as good. A life insurance policy.

GUS:
That doesn't make any sense.

SHAWN:
Tell me about it. Dude, seriously, Tell me about it. I have no idea what this means. (gives GUS the policy)

GUS:
You never could understand legalese.

SHAWN:
Oh, really? Remind me who it was that set up our Psych 401(k)?

GUS:
Oh, you mean our 601(k)s? Because India doesn't have 401(k)s.

SHAWN:
It's a growth economy, Gus. We've already made, like, 500 rupees.

GUS:
That's $13.

SHAWN:
Man, just tell me what I need to know.

GUS:
Shh! Do I rush you when you're doing your whole, "Ooh, I’m sensing this, I’m sensing that?"

SHAWN:
Always, and you usually jab me in the ribs with your elbow. Which is like a chocolate harpoon.

GUS:
Are you finished?

SHAWN:
Maybe.

GUS:
On first read it says if Dutch dies of natural causes, there's barely a payout.

SHAWN:
That doesn't make any sense for someone who's always putting himself at risk.

GUS:
But Dutch has a unique indemnity policy. If he dies during one of his stunts, his beneficiaries receive $1.2 million.

SHAWN:
Who are the beneficiaries?

GUS:
His wife and his son.

SHAWN:
Gus. I know who our killer is. (knocks head against cabinet before getting up)

INT. STADIUM, BACKSTAGE, NIGHT

ANNOUNCER:
And it is a packed house here for tonight's main event!

SHAWN waves down DUTCH on his motorcycle, preparing the enter the stadium proper.

ANNOUNCER:
The legendary Dutch "The Clutch" Jenkins in his most dangerous stunt ever. We are moments away from show time, ladies and gentlemen!

DUTCH stops and removes his helmet.

DUTCH:
What the hell are you doing here? I thought I fired your ass.

SHAWN:
(walks to side of bike) I just came to apologize to you, Dutch.

DUTCH:
For what?

SHAWN:
I was wrong about you. All this time, I thought you were the kid who shot milk out of his eye. You know? Willing to do just about anything for attention regardless of how it affects the people around you. But that's...that's not the case, is it?

DUTCH:
Son, I’m getting tired of the sound of your gums flapping.

SHAWN:
You're all about family. Aren't you, Dutch? You love 'em more than life. That's why you've been trying to kill yourself. I sensed a dark cloud over you. You're terminally ill. I'm sorry, man. It must be so scary knowing that you're gonna die, especially when you're all that your family has. And that's why you took out that special insurance policy, the one that only you know about. Now all you gotta do is make sure that you die in the middle of a stunt and your family gets a windfall. Right? It should've been a simple matter of you sabotaging your own stunts. But, Dutch, you're a victim of your own talent. You actually are a little unkillable. Even with all your faulty mechanics, your instincts kicked in and prevented you from failing.

ANNOUNCER:
(muffled) It's almost show time, folks. Dutch "The Clutch" Jenkins is here to perform a gravity defying spectacle.

SHAWN:
Look, I know this is your last stunt for a while, and that's my fault. If this disease gets you before your next show, your family gets nothing. So, I’m sure whatever your method is tonight, it's foolproof.

DUTCH:
What are you gonna do now?

SHAWN:
Nothing. I'm not gonna try and stop you. And I will not say anything if you go through with it. (holds his hand up) You have my word.

DUTCH looks at him slowly before taking his hand in a firm grip. They let go and DUTCH puts on his helmet.

SHAWN:
Just let me leave you with this, Dutch. It doesn't take a psychic to see how much people love you. Your son came to me, and hired a psychic against his better judgment to keep you alive. And you don't know this yet, but all he wants in the world is to be more like you. You go to your son or your wife or anyone on your crew for that matter, and you ask them which they'd rather have. Six more months with you or a million dollars. You know damn well what they'll answer and they won't have to think about it for a second.

DUTCH:
(lifts visor and looks at SHAWN) Is that right?

SHAWN:
(nods) True story.

DUTCH:
You're wrong. (reaches down and does something to the bike) I was that kid in class who shot milk out of his eyes. And I was damn good.

DUTCH closes his visor and starts up the engine. He then taps his helmet twice before speeding through the open doors into the stadium proper. SHAWN can only rub the back of his head as he watches him go.

ANNOUNCER:
And here he is now! Dutch "The Clutch" Jenkins!

The crowd chants his name as DUTCH takes position. SHAWN walks away. He stops as he hears the ANNOUNCER.

ANNOUNCER:
And he's off. Speeding down the ramp. He's past the point of no return. It's all or nothing.

SHAWN turns around and stares at the space outside the open doors, waiting.

ANNOUNCER:
He did it! He did it! A perfect landing! Give it up as Dutch is doing a victory lap around the arena. What a night! You've witnessed history here tonight, folks! Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it...

SHAWN smiles in relief and walks away.

EXT. STREET, NIGHT

JULIET is walking back to the car with coffee but pauses when she sees LASSITER talking and laughing with a WOMAN in the car.

LASSITER:
No, really? You grew up your whole life in Santa Barbara?

WOMAN:
Yeah. I didn’t like it much…

JULIET reaches the car.

LASSITER:
Oh, no. Who did, right? I just cannot believe that! That's amazing. That's fascinating.

JULIET walks over to LASSITER.

JULIET:
(through window) What are you doing?

LASSITER:
Oh, I’m just talking to your friend Blair here. She's great. We have so much in common.

JULIET:
She's not my friend.

LASSITER:
What do you mean? You didn't send her down here to meet me?

JULIET:
No! I don't invite friends to dangerous stakeouts. But I know her. She's a professional.

LASSITER:
(turns to BLAIR) Please tell me you're a hit man.

JULIET:
Oh, Carlton!

BLAIR:
So are we gonna do this or not?

LASSITER and JULIET show her their badges.

BLAIR:
I gotta go. (gets out and walks away)

LASSITER:
So, I guess we're not on for Saturday, huh? (facepalms)

My tweets

jpgr — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 16:00:51 GMT

Sun, 21:23: Transcript: 9x06 The Woman Who Lived https://t.co/DRfSzCamX3

Transcript: 9x06 The Woman Who Lived

jpgr — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 01:23:06 GMT

EXT. WOODED ROAD, NIGHT

A carriage driven by four white horses moves along the road. A masked rider dressed all in black on a black horse comes from the woods, blocking their way. The horse rears and whinnies.

COACHMAN:
Whoa! (halts carriage)

The couple in the carriage look out the window and the rider comes alongside.

RIDER:
Stand and deliver! (aims gun)

COACHMAN:
Do as he says. I've heard of this brigand. He's known as the Knightmare! Faster than Sam Swift the Quick, deadlier than Deadly Dupont.

KNIGHTMARE:
Dabbling lowpads the pair of 'em, with terrible pseudonyms to boot. Cash bags, jewels, the lot.

MAN:
I will not be robbed by some lone, ranting cavalier!

KNIGHTMARE:
Who says I am alone?

Two lights appear in the woods as if switched on. There is a growl and the woman screams.

EXT. WOODS, NIGHT

The DOCTOR steps out of the TARDIS and pauses. He shakes his head, dismissing something. He then turns on a gadget.

DOCTOR:
Right.

It begins to beep.

DOCTOR:
Warm.

The beeping intensifies.

DOCTOR:
Warmer.

He walks in the direction it leads.

EXT. WOODED ROAD, NIGHT

COACHMAN:
We are cursed. The Knightmare is in league with the devil.

KNIGHTMARE:
Aye, Satan's sidekick, me. (takes purse) Where's the rest?

WOMAN:
What else would you take from me, sir?

KNIGHTMARE:
You know what I want. Hand over the amulet.

The DOCTOR climbs into the carriage from the door on the other side.

DOCTOR:
Hello.

MAN:
Wah!

DOCTOR:
Oh, don't mind me, don't mind me. I'm only going to be a minute. Don't worry. Oh, very warm. (sticks his head out the window)

KNIGHTMARE:
What are you doing?

DOCTOR:
Oh, just ignore me, I'm just passing through, like fish in the night. (ducks his head back inside)

KNIGHTMARE:
This is a robbery!

DOCTOR:
It's not fish in the night, it's something else. (steps outside the carriage)

KNIGHTMARE:
This is my robbery.

DOCTOR:
No, ships in the night. Yeah, something like that. (turns to couple)

KNIGHTMARE:
Step aside or I shall blow your brains out.

DOCTOR:
Sorry, were you talking to me there? Try again, I promise I'll listen this time.

KNIGHTMARE:
You have interrupted my robbery, sir, and you will step away, if you wish to take another breath.

COACHMAN:
You're going to get us all killed, if you don't shut your mouth.

DOCTOR:
Sorry. Sorry, I really was planning to listen that time but, basically, I didn't. Usually, someone hits me at this point, but she's taking the Year 7s for taekwondo.

The DOCTOR points his gadget around and it takes him to a chest tied to the back of the carriage.

DOCTOR:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

The beeping intensifies.

DOCTOR:
Yes! Got you! (chuckles)

The KNIGHTMARE brings his horse to the back and he points his pistol at the DOCTOR.

DOCTOR:
Oh, hang on. If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a robbery.

KNIGHTMARE:
I am robbing these people, you are getting out of my way.

DOCTOR:
I just need one tiny little thing from this box.

KNIGHTMARE:
This is my robbery!

DOCTOR:
Well, can't we share it? Isn't that what robbery's all about?

As they argue, the carriage drives off.

DOCTOR:
Oh, no! No, no, no!

KNIGHTMARE:
You bungled my heist.

DOCTOR:
No, you bungled mine, Zorro!

KNIGHTMARE:
Whey-faced fool!

DOCTOR:
Yeah, well, why don't you show your face? At least I show my face, what's wrong with yours?

KNIGHTMARE:
(female voice) Nothing, Doctor.

The KNIGHTMARE dismounts, walks over to the DOCTOR and removes the hat and mask. It is ASHILDIR!

DOCTOR:
You?!

ASHILDIR:
Yes, it is me. What took you so long, old man?

**********************************************************************

Peter Capaldi
Jenna Coleman

DOCTOR WHO
“The Woman Who Lived”
By
Catherine Tregenna

PRODUCER
Derek Ritchie

DIRECTOR
Ed Bazalgette

**********************************************************************

EXT. WOODED ROAD, NIGHT

DOCTOR:
"Old man?"

ASHILDIR:
It seemed apt. Life expectancy is 35 these days. Well, for everyone else.

DOCTOR:
But didn't you know it was me?

ASHILDIR:
Of course, you don't forget the man who saved your life. It's good to see you.

DOCTOR:
Yes, I didn't get that impression when you were threatening to kill me.

ASHILDIR:
(male voice) The Knightmare has a reputation to maintain.

DOCTOR:
It's a very good voice. How do you do that?

ASHILDIR:
Practice.

DOCTOR:
Last time I saw you, you were founding a leper colony. I was so proud of you.

ASHILDIR:
Proud of me? You weren't even there.

DOCTOR:
Yes, I was. You didn't see me, but I saw you.

ASHILDIR:
And you just left me there?

DOCTOR:
Well, you seemed…fine.

ASHILDIR:
In a leper colony? No matter, you're here now. We should celebrate.

DOCTOR:
Oh, no, this isn't a visit, I've got a job to do. I'm here looking for an alien object which has no business being here on Earth in 1651. It was just... It just so happened, you know, that my tracking device, it led me to the carriage that you were, you know, robbing. There wasn't... I didn't...It was...

ASHILDIR:
You mean, you haven't come for me?

DOCTOR:
No. It was just a coincidence.

ASHILDIR turns away as a church bell chimes.

DOCTOR:
Oh, Ashildr, I'm sorry.

ASHILDIR:
(turns back) Who's Ashildr?

DOCTOR:
You are, that's your name. Ashildr, daughter of Einarr. Chuckles. I used to call him Chuckles. Do you remember?

ASHILDIR:
(looks puzzled) Yes. I think I remember the village.

DOCTOR:
You loved that village.

ASHILDIR:
If you say so.

DOCTOR:
Anyone in that village would have died for you.

ASHILDIR:
Well, they're all dead now, and here I am. So, I guess it all worked out.

DOCTOR:
Ashildr...

ASHILDIR:
That's not my name. I don't even remember that name.

DOCTOR:
Well, what... what do you call yourself?

ASHILDIR:
Me.

DOCTOR:
Yes, you, there's nobody else here.

ASHILDIR:
No... I call myself Me. All the other names I chose died with whoever knew me. Me is who I am now. No-one's mother, daughter, wife. My own companion. Singular. Unattached. Alone. Anyway, I should get started. Jump on, I'll give you a ride. You can help me.

DOCTOR:
With what?

ASHILDIR:
Packing. (walks to horse) Come on.

EXT. MANOR HOUSE, NIGHT

The DOCTOR and ASHILDIR walk up the drive of a large manor house.

DOCTOR:
It's a big place for someone who lives on their own.

ASHILDIR:
I have a servant. And all manner of visitors drop in.

iSomething watches them from behind bushes and growls. The DOCTOR ducks to walk through the doorway. ASHILDIR looks around when she hears the growl. She goes inside./i

INT. MANOR HOUSE, ENTRANCE HALL, NIGHT

As she walks, ASHILDIR removes her sword and bag.

ASHILDIR:
Your device, what is it? (removes gloves)

DOCTOR:
My curioscanner? Oh, it, er, it sort of scans for... It scans for curios. I've just realising how it got its name. It's been tracking exoplanetary energy for the last couple of weeks. I've been following it across the galaxy.

ASHILDIR opens a chest filled with coins, jewels and silver. She removes items from her bag and puts them inside.

ASHILDIR:
And do you know what you're looking for?

DOCTOR:
I've got a pretty good idea, yes. Why?

ASHILDIR:
I wasn't just robbing Lucie Fanshawe for her loot. She's bragged about having the rarest gem in the land, an ancient amulet from foreign parts. Could it be we are looking for the same prize?

DOCTOR:
Clearly, you don't need money. So why do you rob?

ASHILDIR:
For the adventure, Doctor. (closes chest) Isn't that what life's all about?

ASHILDIR removes her jacket as she walks to another room.

INT. MANOR HOUSE, LIBRARY, NIGHT

A fire is burning casting a warm glow on the floor-to-ceiling shelves lined with identical-looking books.

ASHILDIR:
I've had 800 years of adventure, enough to fill a library if you write it down.

DOCTOR:
(picks up a crown) A medieval queen? How exciting.

ASHILDIR:
You'd think. It was paperwork and backgammon mainly, as I recall.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

We see a small group of mourners around an ornate casket.

ASHILDIR: (o.c.)
Ended up faking my own death. Did a bunk before the evisceration. (runs away as mourners walk in the other direction)

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

ASHILDIR re-enters the library with a longbow.

ASHILDIR:
Now this... was much more my thing.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

We see soldiers marching. Behind them, an unconscious man is dragged behind some bushes. ASHILDIR takes his mail and helmet.

ASHILDIR: (o.c.)
The Battle of Agincourt. My first stint as a man. No-one will ever know that a mere woman helped end the Hundred Years' War.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

DOCTOR:
You're immortal, not indestructible. You can be hurt, killed even. (twangs bowstring)

ASHILDIR:
10,000 hours is all it takes to master any skill. Over 100,000 hours and you're the best there's ever been. I don't need to be indestructible, I'm superb.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

We see ASHILDIR marching with the other soldiers.

ASHILDIR: (o.c.)
You should have seen me. I could shoot six arrows a minute. I got so close to the enemy, I penetrated armour.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

DOCTOR:
How many people have you killed?

ASHILDIR:
You'll have to check my diaries.

DOCTOR:
You can't remember?

ASHILDIR:
For what it's worth, I've saved many lives too.

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

We see ASHILDIR with her hands bound. Villagers with pitchforks yelling in her face. She is led to a dunking chair.

ASHILDIR: (o.c.)
I cured an entire village of scarlet fever once, almost got drowned as a witch for my troubles (climbs out of the other side of the pond) Fortunately, I'm really good at holding my breath. Ungrateful peasants.

>>>END FLASHBACK>>>

DOCTOR:
The Black Death, 1348. (picks up plague doctor mask) I meant to warn you.

ASHILDIR:
I got sick but I got better.

DOCTOR:
Of course, your immune system is learning too. There's another bout coming. And a big fire that tears through London.

ASHILDIR sits at her desk and the DOCTOR sits in the chair opposite.

ASHILDIR:
Excellent. Maybe I start it.

DOCTOR:
No, that was the Terileptils. Surgeon, scientist, inventor, composer, it's a fantastic CV.

ASHILDIR:
You should try my journals. I read them myself now and then. Drink pomace wine, have a little "me" time.

DOCTOR:
You don't seem the nostalgic type.

ASHILDIR:
It's not nostalgia, it's curiosity. I can't remember most of it. That's the trouble with an infinite life and a normal sized memory.

DOCTOR:
It can't have been easy, outliving the people you love.

ASHILDIR:
According to my journals, hell.

DOCTOR:
Sorry.

ASHILDIR:
You'll have to remind me, what's sorrow like? It all just runs out, Doctor. I'm just what's left. In fact, I've done all I can here. I look up to the sky and wonder what it's like out there.

The DOCTOR stands and starts to walk away as she talks

ASHILDIR:
Please, take me with you. (stands) All these people here, they're like smoke, they blow away in a moment. You don't know what it's like.

DOCTOR:
I do know what it's like.

ASHILDIR:
Then, however you fly, whatever ship you sail in, take me with you.

DOCTOR:
(walks back) How do you know I had a ship?

ASHILDIR:
Because I'm incredibly clever. It doesn't matter... take me with you.

DOCTOR:
We'll talk about it.

ASHILDIR:
This thing you're looking for, I'll help you find it. It'll be quicker. (puts coat on)

DOCTOR:
I don't need your help.

ASHILDIR:
Yes, you do. I know where Lucie Fanshawe lives, and I'm an excellent house-breaker. We'll leave in an hour.

ASHILDIR walks slowly out of the room and the DOCTOR watches. ASHILDIR closes the door behind her and leans against it. In the library, the DOCTOR looks over the shelves and pulls out one of the journals. He starts to read.

ASHILDIR: (o.c.)
"Today is the day I should have died. Instead, I was re-born, by my hero, a man called The Doctor.” “My love is dying. It broke my heart when the questions started and I knew I had to leave him. I returned to find an old man who smiles and thinks I am a dream. I am flesh and blood, my love, but all you see is a ghost."

EXT. MANOR HOUSE, NIGHT

As the DOCTOR reads, ASHILDIR goes outside with a lantern.

INT. MANOR HOUSE, LIBRARY, NIGHT

The DOCTOR finds pages torn out of a journal written in Latin. There are also spots where the ink is smudged.

DOCTOR:
Tears.

EXT. MANOR HOUSE, NIGHT

ASHILDIR approaches a tree in the middle of a field.

ASHILDIR: (o.c.)
"The Plague. Mass graves. Sightless children..."

>>>FLASHBACK>>>

We see images of wooden framed houses and ragged people, and a weeping woman clutching a rag doll in her grief.

DOCTOR: (o.c.)
".. clutching toys as they sleep, never to wake up. My children. My screams. I could not save you... little ones. Such pain. And yet, still... still I am not brave enough to die, to let go of this... wretched life. (ASHILDIR weeps in front of empty cradles) I will endure but no more babies. I cannot... will not suffer such heartbreak again. From now on, it's me against the world."

EXT. MANOR HOUSE, GROUNDS, NIGHT

We hear the growling again. She is speaking to the possessor of the glowing eyes we saw earlier when she was robbing the carriage.

ASHILDIR:
Quiet, my friend. We have a visitor. I didn't get it, but I will. If your promise stands, I'll have it by dawn My visitor can help me. Don't worry, he doesn't know about you, only about the artefact. He has no idea what we intend to do with it.

INT. MANOR HOUSE, DINING ROOM, NIGHT

ASHILDIR enters and puts the lantern on the table. The DOCTOR enters behind her.

DOCTOR:
I read your journals. Why are there pages missing?

ASHILDIR:
When things get really bad, I tear the memories out.

DOCTOR:
What could be worse than losing your children?

ASHILDIR:
I keep that entry to remind me not to have any more. (pokes the fire in the grate)

DOCTOR:
I've left you alone too long. I had no idea how much you'd suffered, but I remember the person you used to be. She's still in there. I can help you find her.

ASHILDIR:
Spare me your pity, I'm fine.

DOCTOR:
I think this is just another mask that you wear to protect you from the pain.

ASHILDIR:
I think the alternative frightens you, that this is who I've become.

DOCTOR:
This is no way to live your life, de-sensitised to the world.

ASHILDIR:
So you intend to fix me? (walks up to DOCTOR who backs away) Make me feel again, then run away? I don't need your help, Doctor, you need mine. Just this once, you can't run off like you usually do.

DOCTOR:
(stops) How do you know? How do you know what I usually do? We've met once in a Viking village, I didn't give you my life story.

ASHILDIR:
It's true though, isn't it? (puts pistol in belt) You're the man who runs away.

DOCTOR:
Oh, who told you that?

ASHILDIR:
Maybe I just worked it out. (heads for the door) Come on.

EXT. MANOR HOUSE, NIGHT

ASHILDIR and the DOCTOR exit by the same door. The DOCTOR closes it behind him and follows ASHILDIR. He pauses when he hears the growling. We see a creature in the bushes that looks similar to a lion.

EXT. FANSHAWE HOUSE, NIGHT

ASHILDIR and the DOCTOR are approaching from the back of the house. ASHILDIR has her mask on.

ASHILDIR:
Housebreaks can be tricky.

DOCTOR:
Not for me. (takes glasses out of pocket) Sonic technology. It should be able to deactivate any alarms.

ASHILDIR:
(at the door) What's an alarm? (holds up wanted poster) The most wanted in the land.

DOCTOR:
Now is not the time to be showing off.

ASHILDIR:
Now seems like a very good time to me.

ASHILDIR slips the poster under the door, uses wire to poke the key out of the lock then pulls out the poster with the key. She picks up the key and then hold a mask out to the DOCTOR.

ASHILDIR:
You'll need a mask, sidekick. Watch and learn.

DOCTOR:
Brought my own, thanks. (puts on sunglasses)

INT. FANSHAWE HOUSE, NIGHT

They walk down a dark hall.

ASHILDIR:
'Tis black as night. I have a tinderbox somewhere.

The DOCTOR kneels by a table and uses the glasses to light a candle. He then picks up the holder by the handle. He takes the lead.

ASHILDIR:
Show off. Know where you're going, do you? (takes the candle) The servant's stairs. Follow me.

INT. FANSHAWE HOUSE, STAIRCASE, NIGHT

DOCTOR:
Why are you still alone? What happened to the second immortality charge I gave you?

ASHILDIR:
Shh! (shows him the chip she keeps hidden) No-one's good enough.

DOCTOR:
Humans need...

ASHILDIR:
Hush!

There is a light on the floor above them. They wait and then continue.

DOCTOR:
Humans need shared experiences.

ASHILDIR:
I'm regretting sharing this one.

DOCTOR:
It isn't right for you to be on your own!

They back down a couple of steps and ASHILDIR holds a hand in front of the candle. A MAID backs out of one of the rooms.

MAID:
Goodnight, Ma'am. (walks down the hall away from the DOCTOR and ASHILDIR)

INT. FANSHAWE HOUSE, UPPER CORRIDOR, NIGHT

ASHILDIR and the DOCTOR hurry along.

ASHILDIR:
I'll wager there's a dressing room. Come on!

ASHILDIR opens a door further up the corridor and slips in. The DOCTOR follows and almost walks into the door.

INT. FANSHAWE HOUSE, DRESSING ROOM, NIGHT

ASHILDIR crosses the dark, paneled room over to a cabinet. She opens it to reveal a number of drawers. The DOCTOR turns on his scanner.

ASHILDIR:
Doctor! Doctor, turn that thing off.

The DOCTOR walks to the cabinet and the scanner leads him to a particular drawer. He opens it to find a box. The DOCTOR put the scanner down, lifts out the box and opens it. Inside is a large purple jewel.

DOCTOR:
The Eyes of Hades!

INT. FANSHAWE HOUSE, UPPER HALL, NIGHT

They leave the dressing room by way of the main hall. As they are nearly across, one of the doors opens and a servant exits. They scurry to another room and slip inside, unnoticed by the servant.

INT. FANSHAWE HOUSE, FANSHAWE’S ROOM, NIGHT

They close the double doors and then lean against them with a sigh. Then they hear snoring. FANSHAWE is sleeping on a sofa.

DOCTOR:
(whispers) Let's just go ‘round and see if we can't get out the back.

ASHILDIR:
(whispers) OK.

They tip-toe across the room towards the door opposite. A floorboard creaks.

FANSHAWE:
Lucie?

The DOCTOR and ASHILDIR drop to their hands and knees behind the sofa. FANSHAWE sits up and the DOCTOR peeks at the sofa and he’s no longer there. FANSHAWE is standing, looking towards the door, with a candle in his hand. The two crawl to the other end of the sofa.

FANSHAWE:
Lucie?

ASHILDIR gets on her knees to look but ducks when FANSHAWE turns around.

FANSHAWE:
Lucie?

FANSHAWE leaves the room. They stand but the DOCTOR knocks something metal off a table and it clatters. ASHILDIR glares at him.

FANSHAWE: (o.c.)
There is an intruder on the premises! Bring me my blunderbuss!

ASHILDIR pulls out her pistol, cocks it and aims it at the door.

DOCTOR:
What are you doing?!

ASHILDIR:
It's kill or be killed.

DOCTOR:
No, we can't. We should hide!

ASHILDIR looks at him. When FANSHAWE enters the room waving his gun, the room is empty.

FANSHAWE:
Guard the doors! Alert the militia!

As FANSHAWE walks past, we see the DOCTOR’S feet dangling in the fireplace.

ASHILDIR: (o.c.)
Your feet, you oaf!

The DOCTOR pulls his feet up.

INT. FANSHAWE HOUSE, CHIMNEY, NIGHT

Things are a little tight for the two of them as they climb.

ASHILDIR:
Oh, I said you'd be a liability. Just let me shoot them and be done with it!

DOCTOR:
You're the liability. I never have this trouble with Clara.

ASHILDIR:
Oh, is she still with you, is she?

DOCTOR:
(grunts) Oh, you remember Clara, do you?

ASHILDIR:
Of course. I take particular note of anyone's weaknesses.

FANSHAWE: (o.c.)
Search every nook and cranny! I warrant they will hang for this!

ASHILDIR:
So what's wrong with Clara, then?

DOCTOR:
There's nothing wrong with her.

ASHILDIR:
Why haven't you made her immortal?

DOCTOR:
Well, look how you turned out.

ASHILDIR:
She'll die on you, you know. She'll blow away like smoke.

DOCTOR:
Save your breath.

ASHILDIR:
How old are you, Doctor?

DOCTOR:
Older than you.

ASHILDIR:
And how many have you lost? How many Claras?

The DOCTOR looks at her but doesn’t answer. They reach the top of the chimney and climb out.

EXT. WOODED ROAD, DAY

ASHILDIR and the DOCTOR walk along the road.

DOCTOR:
Robbery, burglary, that's capital. Meat and drink to the hangman, Ashildr.

They pass a gallows.

ASHILDIR:
I'm not Ashildr, I'm Me. And I fear no hangman in Christendom!

A MAN jumps down from a tree.

MAN:
Ah-ha!

ASHILDIR:
Sam Swift the Quick! I wouldn't be so bold if I were you. Don't you know who I am?

SAM:
The Knightmare, which is why I'm not alone.

Two men approach with weapons.

ASHILDIR:
'Tis hardly a fair fight.

SAM:
And it was fair when you stole my patch?

ASHILDIR:
Is that a fake nose, Sam? They should call you Sam Sniffed!

SAM:
What's wrong with it? It's perfectly normal, isn't it?

ASHILDIR:
For an anteater maybe.

SAM:
(sing-song) Ooh! (normal) Well, never knew you were so puny, Knightmare. Or should I say, Slightmare.

His men laugh.

DOCTOR:
No, not the puns. Line in the sand, no puns.

ASHILDIR:
It's what's in my brain that counts, Bingo Boy.

SAM:
Well, no brain outwits a bullet, Dandyprat. Aims pistol at ASHILDIR)

DOCTOR:
This is banter. I'm against banter. I'm on record on the subject of banter.

SAM:
Lay down your arms, hand over the loot, or I'll shoot.

ASHILDIR:
(sighs) We better had. He'll probably aim to miss and hit one of us.

DOCTOR:
We could give you cash instead.

SAM:
Who's this? Your sidekick? You've got your dad as a sidekick?

DOCTOR:
I'm not his dad, I'm the Doctor.

SAM:
Is that the best name you could come up with?

DOCTOR:
What, says Sam Swift the Quick? That's trying a bit too hard, isn't it? Or are you a little bit slow?

SAM:
You what?

ASHILDIR uses the distraction to take SAM’S pistol and points it at him.

SAM:
Oi!

DOCTOR:
I rest my case. No-one outwits the Knightmare.

ASHILDIR turns her head to look at the DOCTOR and SAM knocks the gun from her hand and tackles her to the ground. His men then put their guns to the DOCTOR’S head. ASHILDIR is on top of SAM, trying to choke him with the gun.

SAM:
If you value the life of your sidekick, back off! Put the weapon down!

He throws ASHILDIR off and stands, pointing his pistol at the DOCTOR.

SAM:
Who's slow now, Doctor?

ASHILDIR kicks SAM’S feet out from under him and he falls to the ground. She aims her pistol at him.

DOCTOR:
Good question.

SAM:
Please, Knightmare, I don't want to die. Let's have honour amongst us!

SAM’S men back away from the DOCTOR.

DOCTOR:
Also can you confirm that I'm not your dad?

ASHILDIR:
What do you say, Dad? I should kill him? He'll be dead in a minute, what difference does it make?

DOCTOR:
Kill him and you make an enemy of me.

ASHILDIR:
(lowers gun) Run.

SAM and his men run off and ASHILDIR picks the pistol up from the ground and puts it in her belt.

DOCTOR:
I know their lives are short, I understand, but those lives do matter.

ASHILDIR:
Shut up. You're not my dad. (walks away)

The DOCTOR stands there for a few moments before following.

INT. MANOR HOUSE, ENTRANCE HALL, DAY

The DOCTOR starts up the stairs.

DOCTOR:
I have a theory about the amulet.

The DOCTOR hears a cough and stops. An older man, a SERVANT, steps into the hall and approaches him.

SERVANT:
Morning, sir. Forgive me, but might I enquire into who you are?

DOCTOR:
The Doctor.

SERVANT:
Clayton, sir.

At that moment, ASHILDIR walks down the stairs. She has her hair piled on her head and is wearing a gown fit for a lady.

CLAYTON:
Would you care for a cocktail, milady?

ASHILDIR:
Oh, yes, please.

CLAYTON coughs and walks away.

ASHILDIR:
Half blind and deaf as a post. He's no use any more really, but...

DOCTOR:
You keep him on. See, you do have a heart. You don't fool me.

ASHILDIR:
How do I look?

DOCTOR:
Pink. Are you coming down with something? Look, why would an alien artefact resemble the Eyes of Hades, King of the Underworld?

The DOCTOR holds up the jewel and ASHILDIR takes it from his hand and walks off.

DOCTOR:
(follows) An ancient Greek talisman which wards off evil and protects those in death on their journey to an afterlife?

INT. MANOR HOUSE, DINING ROOM, DAY

ASHILDIR:
You tell me. (puts the artefact in her bag)

DOCTOR:
Could it be that the mythology originated on another planet? (smiles)

ASHILDIR:
You can't wait to get going and find out, I'll wager.

DOCTOR:
No. I think I want to stick around and keep an eye on you for a while.

ASHILDIR:
Get me back on track?

DOCTOR:
Well, why not? Hey, we're a good team.

ASHILDIR:
Then take me with you.

DOCTOR:
You don't want to get stuck with an old fool like me. You have this whole wonderful planet to play on.

ASHILDIR:
It takes a day to get to Kent.

DOCTOR:
In the future, you'll fly.

ASHILDIR:
I want to fly right now. I have waited... longer than I should ever have lived. I have lost more than I can even remember. Please, Doctor, just get me out of this. I want more than this. I deserve more than this! Why not? Why not?!

DOCTOR:
Because it wouldn't be good. Ashildr, please. Ashildr.

Her expression changes from pleading to cold and shut off.

ASHILDIR:
I am not Ashildr anymore.

The DOCTOR hears a loud snarling.

DOCTOR:
Do you have a cat? It sounds like a very big cat. (walks to the door) Hence the very big cat flap.

The creature with the glowing eyes appears at the door. He walks in and the DOCTOR backs up. He is leonine in appearance and seems to have a coronet of some sort.

ASHILDIR:
Leandro, meet the Doctor. (walks to stand by LEANDRO) You thought I was helping you. In fact, it was the other way ‘round. Leandro, we have it. My friend here was as useful as I'd hoped.

DOCTOR:
If somebody needed my help, why did nobody just ask? I am forced to assume you have plans and I wouldn't approve. Oh, Ashildr.

ASHILDIR:
Stop calling me that.

DOCTOR:
(to LEANDRO) Kill me!

LEANDRO:
Why?

DOCTOR:
If you intend any harm to this planet, or its people, then killing me is by far your best move.

LEANDRO:
You invite your own death?

DOCTOR:
No. I just want you to attack first. Then my conscience is clear.

LEANDRO:
Of what?

DOCTOR:
You.

LEANDRO:
(laughs) You are not of this world, or part of my plans. I have no quarrel with you.

DOCTOR:
Then tell me why you are here and what you intend to do. Otherwise, get on with trying to kill me. But I advise you, be very quick and very sure.

LEANDRO:
I am from Delta Leonis. My tribe was overthrown, my world destroyed, my wife killed as we escaped.

DOCTOR:
Using the amulet? That's your means of travel?

LEANDRO:
I lost it when I crashed to Earth.

ASHILDIR:
I found him in my grounds. He's been sleeping there while I searched for it.

DOCTOR:
The Underworld, gateway to an afterlife. Another reality.

ASHILDIR:
We need it to open a portal, travel the galaxy.

DOCTOR:
Oh! Oh, so what's the plan, Ashildr? Fancy yourself as his new Queen? Hunting, running errands while he sleeps.

ASHILDIR:
Oh, dear God... You're just like every other man. I'm not looking for a husband, you oaf. I'm looking for a horse to get me out of town. You said no.

DOCTOR:
Oh, what? And you think you can trust him?

ASHILDIR:
He knows what it is to be alone.

DOCTOR:
So do I!

ASHILDIR:
Then how could you do what you did?

DOCTOR:
I'm looking for the headline here.

ASHILDIR:
The what?

DOCTOR:
Well, you know, you want to escape? Well, go on. Escape as much as you like! Why would I not approve?

ASHILDIR:
The amulet...

DOCTOR:
What about it?

LEANDRO:
A death is required. It is only way the amulet works.

DOCTOR:
Of course. Every single death is a tiny fracture in reality. Now the amulet can lever the fracture open. Primitive, but effective.

ASHILDIR:
It's just exploiting an abundant resource. There's so much dying here.

DOCTOR:
Who dies so you can run away?

ASHILDIR:
(calls) Clayton?

CLAYTON: (o.c.)
Coming, my lady.

DOCTOR:
No, you can't. He loves you.

ASHILDIR:
To the end, it would seem.

LEANDRO:
Would you rather take his place?

LEANDRO leans forward threateningly and the DOCTOR backs off. Leandro breathes fire.

ASHILDIR:
Not the Doctor, we agreed!

DOCTOR:
Oh, Ashildr, daughter of Einarr, what happened to you?

ASHILDIR:
You did, Doctor. You happened.

INT. MANOR HOUSE, CLOSET, DAY

The DOCTOR is sitting on a chair, hands tied. ASHILDIR tests the bonds.

DOCTOR:
I know you've suffered. Your children dying...

ASHILDIR:
They would have died anyway. Human life is fleeting. People are mayflies, breeding and dying, repeating the same mistakes. It's boring. And I'm stuck here. Abandoned by the one man who should know what eternity feels like. Who should understand.

DOCTOR:
I do, now, but...

ASHILDIR:
You still won't take me with you. You gad about while I trudge through the centuries, day by day, hour by hour. Do you ever think or care what happens after you've flown away? I live in the world you leave behind, because you abandoned me to it.

DOCTOR:
Why should I be responsible for you?

ASHILDIR:
You made me immortal!

DOCTOR:
I saved your life. I didn't know that your heart would rust because I kept it beating. I didn't think your conscience would need renewing, that the well of human kindness would run dry. I just wanted to save a terrified young woman's life.

ASHILDIR:
You didn't save my life, Doctor. You trapped me inside it. And now I've found someone who can set me free. Someone who understands. (steps outside)

DOCTOR:
Look, I don't know what Lenny the Lion is up to, but I know his type. Very first argument, guaranteed he'll bite your head off.

ASHILDIR:
Or I'll bite his off. Perhaps I'll enjoy that. (starts to close the door)

DOCTOR:
You're playing with fire. Open that portal and you have no idea what horrors might come through.

ASHILDIR:
That's as good a reason as any to do it.

DOCTOR:
You're not like this. I know you're not.

ASHILDIR:
(opens door wider) This is exactly what I'm like. This is what you made of me!

DOCTOR:
He'll kill you.

ASHILDIR:
He'll have to be fast. And if he does…perhaps it's about time.

There is a loud knocking on the door.

MAN: (o.c.)
Lady Me?

ASHILDIR walks to intercept the men. The DOCTOR scoots the chair forward.

INT. MANOR HOUSE, DINING ROOM, DAY

Two pikeman rush into the room.

MAN:
Oh, Lady Me, thank goodness you are safe. Sam Swift has been captured and he swore the Knightmare was heading in this direction.

ASHILDIR:
I've not seen him.

MAN 2:
Sam Swift will hang in Tyburn at noon.

The clock shows it is 11:30.

ASHILDIR:
In half an hour? (looks back at the DOCTOR) A guilty man destined to die? No harm in that. I have not seen the Knightmare. But this is his sidekick, the Doctor. He was robbing me. I only just managed to overpower him.

One of the men pulls out a wanted poster of the DOCTOR.

MAN:
(points at the DOCTOR) You will hang for this!

DOCTOR:
No, listen, I was trying to help her, she tied...

MAN:
Silence or...

MAN 2 fires his pistol into the ceiling.

MAN:
…we'll shoot.

ASHILDIR:
He needn't hang. But keep him under lock and key, for all our sakes.

CLAYTON shuffles into the room and the two pike-men aim their guns.

CLAYTON:
Was that the door? (sees the DOCTOR) Oh, dear. Always the quiet ones.

ASHILDIR:
Goodbye, Clayton. (turns to the DOCTOR) You see? I do have a heart.

DOCTOR:
In which case, don't do it.

ASHILDIR walks away.

EXT. MANOR HOUSE, DAY

ASHILDIR has donned a cloak and takes the reins of the carriage. LEANDRO is inside. They drive away.

INT. MANOR HOUSE, CLOSET, DAY

MAN 2 unties the DOCTOR as MAN holds a pistol on him.

DOCTOR:
Do I look like some feckless thief? I'm on your side. I'm an undercover constable from Scotland Yard. Do you have Scotland Yard yet?

MAN:
Been on the cider, have we?

MAN 2 pulls the DOCTOR upright.

DOCTOR:
The Dunbar Victory medal. I was decorated for valour in battle. (pulls out psychic paper)

The MAN looks at it but is not impressed. Possibly, he can’t read.

MAN 2:
Tell it to the Newgate gaoler.

DOCTOR:
All I want is to bring the Knightmare to justice.

MAN:
But you were robbing Lady Me.

DOCTOR:
I came to warn her. I fear her life is in danger. Look!

They look out the window and see ASHILDIR driving the coach, completely hidden by the cloak.

DOCTOR:
It's the Knightmare, cloaked and in disguise, bound for Tyburn. You have to let me go or take me there.

MAN 2:
You wish to hang too?

DOCTOR:
Well, will you take me there if I say yes?

MAN 2:
(forces the DOCTOR forward) Indeed! There's a bounty on your head for £20.

DOCTOR:
(to MAN) £20? Is that all?

MAN 2:
'Tis a small fortune to us.

DOCTOR:
Well, in that case, I know where Lady Me keeps all of her money. Almost £30.

MAN:
Now why didn't you say that in the first place?

EXT. WOODED ROAD, DAY

The DOCTOR is on horseback galloping. He passes a mile marker reading “Tyburn 5 miles”.

EXT. TYBURN GALLOWS, DAY

People gather around the gallows, drinking and cheering. Posters show the reward for the Knightmare is £100 while the DOCTOR is only £20. SAM is on the gallows, fortifying himself with a drink.

CROWD:
Hang him! Hang him!

SAM:
All right, calm down! Steady on! Such a good turn out. I'm honoured. (bows) Yeah, I, er... Hey, he's new at this. Someone will have to show him the ropes!

The crowd laughs.

SAM:
Don't worry mate, you'll get the hang of it.

EXT. WOODED ROAD, DAY

The DOCTOR keeps galloping.

EXT. TYBURN GALLOWS, DAY

SAM:
When I'm gone, they'll all say "That Sam Swift, he was well hung!"

The crowd laughs and cheers.

SAM:
Well, I think a few of you know that already. Oh, yeah, I'm sure I recognize a few of you lovely ladies. You... and you... I mean I'd introduce you all, but I can't remember your names.

The crowd boos.

SAM:
(to hangman) It's a good job you're here, or they'd kill me.

A bell tolls.

CROWD:
Hats off, hats off...

EXT. WOODED ROAD, DAY

The DOCTOR keeps galloping.

EXT. TYBURN GALLOWS, DAY

ASHILDIR and LEANDRO have arrived.

MAN:
Stretch his neck!

SAM:
(to woman in crowd) Mary? Meg? Help me out here, miss.

MAN:
That's Mrs Baxter to you!

SAM:
That's a funny name for a fella!

The crowd laughs.

LEANDRO:
It's time.

SAM:
I've got plenty more. Jokes, that is, as well as women.

LEANDRO:
Hang him now!

The seriousness of the situation chases away his joking. He stares ahead.

CROWD:
Hang him! Hang him!

EXT. WOODED ROAD, DAY

The DOCTOR urges his horse.

EXT. TYBURN GALLOWS, DAY

ASHILDIR walks through the crowd.

MAN:
Make us laugh, Sam!

SAM:
Aye... For while you laugh, I live. It was raining on the way over here. But the hangman says to me, "It's all right for you, I've got to walk back through this."

LEANDRO is out of the coach wearing a cloak. ASHILDIR steps onto the gallows and pays the hangman with coins from her purse.

SAM:
What are you paying for, my beauty?

ASHILDIR:
To make it quick. A fitting end for you, Sam Swift.

SAM:
Who should be the last to kiss these lips?

WOMEN:
Me! Me! Me! (they raise their hands)

SAM:
They must mean you, Lady Me!

ASHILDIR walks over to SAM and gently kisses him

SAM:
You remind me of someone. And now I want to live more than ever.

The DOCTOR arrives and runs through the crowd towards the gallows.

DOCTOR:
Sorry, yes. Sorry about the horse! Excuse me! Sorry, excuse me. Excuse me! Sorry!

LEANDRO:
(sees the DOCTOR) Time to hang.

CROWD:
Hang him! Hang him!

The DOCTOR stops by the wall of posters.

SAM:
All right, all right, as God is my Highwayman. He steals the most precious gift of all. Life! Magical, filled with adventures! And at least I can say I lived mine to the full.

WOMAN:
I love you, Sam Swift!

SAM:
(sees the DOCTOR) Is that the Doctor? Doctor, Doctor! I'm a robber.

DOCTOR:
(long pause) Have you taken anything for it?

SAM:
Doctor, doctor...

DOCTOR:
Quick man, I'm running out of patients!

The crowd laughs as the DOCTOR moves closer.

SAM:
Have you ever seen such a sidekick so old?

DOCTOR:
I'm no-one's sidekick.

SAM:
He's so old, he farts dust!

DOCTOR:
(faces the crowd) And his nose is so big that...

SAM:
They'll have to widen the noose!

DOCTOR:
Or, or bury him in a pyramid.

SAM:
You know what they say, big nose...

CROWD:
Oooooh!

DOCTOR:
Big handkerchief?

The crowd laughs and the hangman pulls SAM back towards the noose.

SAM:
No! Doctor, don't leave me hanging.

DOCTOR:
Wait! (holds up psychic paper) I have a pardon here for Sam Swift from Cromwell himself.

The hangman takes the psychic paper and reads it.

HANGMAN:
(announces) Sam Swift is pardoned!

SAM falls to his knees as the crowd jeers.

MAN:
We didn't come all this way not to see someone hang. What about the Doctor? Hang the Doctor. Hang the Doctor! Hang the Doctor. Hang the Doctor!

The crowd joins the chant.

ASHILDIR:
Ssh...

The crowd quiets down.

ASHILDIR:
You want to see someone die? How's this? (holds up the jewel and goes to SAM)

DOCTOR:
No! Ashildr, no!

The DOCTOR hurries to stop ASHILDIR but she presses the jewel against SAM’S chest. There’s a pulsing and whirring as the artifact activates. SAM jerks as the jewel seems to attach itself to him. A purple ray shoots from him to the sky. A dark hole begins to open.

DOCTOR:
(stands) Purple -- colour of death. His life force is opening a portal.

ASHILDIR:
To my new life.

DOCTOR:
Or to Hell.

LEANDRO has reached the scaffold. He throws down his hood and breathes fire at the crowd.

MAN:
A lion man!

The crowd backs away as LEANDRO climbs the steps.

MAN:
Look!

The MAN points to the portal where another planet is visible. The crowd looks up.

ASHILDIR:
Goodbye, Doctor.

LEANDRO:
You are going nowhere.

DOCTOR:
Doors work both ways. They let people out and they let the enemy in.

ASHILDIR:
What's that? What's happening? What are those things?

Lots of small objects are visible around the planet.

DOCTOR:
Space ships, or they will be. They're coming through the rift, actualising in this plane of reality.

ASHILDIR:
You said you were the last of the Leonians. We were meant to escape.

LEANDRO:
You shall. In death.

The ships begin firing at the crowd. Building catch fire as the people scream and run. Leandro jumps down to the ground, attacking the people. Soldiers shoot their muskets at him.

ASHILDIR:
No! Doctor, what have I done? What have I done to these people? Stop this! They are defenceless.

ASHILDIR tries to stop LEANDRO and he turns on her with a roar.

DOCTOR:
Ashildr! (leaps from the scaffold) He doesn't care.

ASHILDIR:
But I do. Oh, God, I do. I actually do, I... I care.

DOCTOR:
It's awful, isn't it? It's infuriating. You think you don't care and then you fall off the wagon.

ASHILDIR:
Never mind about me. What are we going to do about them? We have to help them. They need you. They need us.

DOCTOR:
Welcome back!

ASHILDIR:
Well? Do something then!

DOCTOR:
OK! OK... Erm... Eyes of Hades, Afterlife, death opens up a gateway... We need to close it.

ASHILDIR:
Yeah, I know, but how?

DOCTOR:
Sam Swift, he's the conduit. The amulet, it's still in him. It's his death that's opening the rift. So what do we do?

ASHILDIR:
Reverse it.

LEANDRO:
(grabs ASHILDIR and turns her around) You cannot reverse death.

ASHILDIR:
Oh, yes, we can! (holds up the immortality “chip”)

LEANDRO makes a grab for it but the DOCTOR pulls her back.

DOCTOR:
Run!

ASHILDIR runs up to SAM’S body and places the chip on his head. It is absorbed into his body.

LEANDRO:
No, my lady. They will destroy me for this.

The light from the amulet changes, becoming gold. SAM gasps.

LEANDRO:
The light of immortality.

The portal flickers and snarls at ASHILDIR. The DOCTOR pulls her away behind him.

LEANDRO:
Spare me, my brothers!

LEANDRO is disintergrated and the portal closes. The ray of light stops and the amulet no longer glows. SAM looks around. The people come out of hiding.

SAM:
I'm alive. I'm alive! Ha-ha!

The crowd cheers and claps.

INT. TAVERN, DAY

The DOCTOR, ASHILDIR and SAM are sitting at a table having beer.

SAM:
Last thing I remember is you turning up, Doctor. Good thing too. Between you and me, I was running out of material.

DOCTOR:
Yeah, I could tell. Gave a whole new meaning to dying on stage.

SAM:
Gallows humour can be tricky. But at least there's never a second house. We've nearly finished these. I'll get some more in. Er, by the way, I've not forgotten that kiss. (leaves)

ASHILDIR:
Is he immortal now?

DOCTOR:
Do you want him to be?

ASHILDIR:
I don't think I want anyone to be.

DOCTOR:
Well, probably not. Probably the power would have been drained by the whole opening and reversing the portal thingy. There'll be enough power to bring him... back, but not enough power to keep him here. Probably.

ASHILDIR:
Did you just make all of that up?

DOCTOR:
Yeah... But it's hard to keep track of all this... stuff. Keep an eye on him though. He might be around for a while. Or not. Who can say?

They look over at SAM in discussion with another man.

ASHILDIR:
You're still not going to take me with you, are you?

DOCTOR:
People like us, we go on too long. We forget what matters. The last thing we need is each other. We need the mayflies. See, the mayflies, they know more than we do. They know how beautiful and precious life is because it's fleeting. Look how Sam Swift made every last moment count, right to the gallows. Look how glad he is to be alive. I looked into your eyes and I saw my worst fears. Weariness. Emptiness.

ASHILDIR:
That's why you can't travel with me. Our perspectives are too vast. Too far away.

DOCTOR:
You're not the first, you know. I did travel with another immortal once. Captain Jack Harkness.

ASHILDIR:
Who?

DOCTOR:
He'll get ‘round to you eventually. Who told you about me? The man who comes for the battle and runs away from the fallout.

ASHILDIR:
Take your pick. You've had an impact on this world. You've made waves.

DOCTOR:
Sometimes tidal waves.

ASHILDIR:
I'm flattered.

DOCTOR:
Well, you should be. You're an extraordinary woman, Ashildr. But, I think I'm going to have to keep an eye on you.

ASHILDIR:
No.

DOCTOR:
No?

ASHILDIR:
Someone has to look out for the people you abandon. Who better than me? I'll be the patron saint of the Doctor's leftovers. While you're busy protecting this world, I'll get busy protecting it from you.

DOCTOR:
So are we enemies now?

ASHILDIR:
Of course not. Enemies are never a problem. It's your friends you have to watch out for. And, my friend, I'll be watching out for you.

DOCTOR:
Ashildr, I think I'm very glad I saved you.

ASHILDIR:
Oh, I think everyone will be.

INT. TARDIS

The DOCTOR is by the console strumming his electric guitar. The door opens and CLARA enters.

CLARA:
Hey! Hello?

DOCTOR:
Oh, hello! Hi!

CLARA:
Did you miss me?

DOCTOR:
Be more specific. Who are you?

CLARA puts down her papers, takes off her bag and removes her jacket.

CLARA:
Ha-ha(!) I've got a present for you.

DOCTOR:
Why? Am I ill?

CLARA:
No.

DOCTOR:
Are you ill?

CLARA:
No.

DOCTOR:
Are you never going to travel with me again, because I said a thing?

CLARA:
It's not a good present. (walks over)

DOCTOR:
Oh, well that's a relief.

CLARA:
OK, Evie Hubbard? Year Seven, you helped her out with her homework? Imaginary interview with Winston Churchill. You basically cheated.

DOCTOR:
That was her fault because she should have stressed "imaginary."

CLARA:
Anyway, she got an A and so she has sent you a selfie. (holds her mobile out to the DOCTOR)

DOCTOR:
(walks away without looking) Yes, you're right. That is not a good present.

CLARA:
Come on... (follows with the mobile)

DOCTOR:
Do they make sherbet lemons anymore? And I'd like a Ferrari. What about a Ferrari?

CLARA:
(walks away) I knew you'd be thrilled.

DOCTOR:
(follows) OK, come on, let me see. Let me see, let me see, let me see.

The photo is of CLARA and EVIE. The girl is proudly holding her paper.

DOCTOR:
Ha...

The DOCTOR sees something and zooms in on the area over CLARA’S shoulder. It’s ASHILDIR in contemporary clothes.

CLARA:
What's wrong?

DOCTOR:
(smiles) Nothing. (give back the mobile) Nothing at all! (walks away)

CLARA:
Doctor?

DOCTOR:
Tell her next time, I'll take cash.

CLARA:
So... Where are you going to take me?

DOCTOR:
Wherever you want.

CLARA:
Hmm... Somewhere... Somewhere magical. Somewhere new!

DOCTOR:
Ah, there is nowhere new under the sun! Above it, on the other hand...

The DOCTOR hits some buttons on the console. CLARA hugs him and he pats her arm.

DOCTOR:
I've missed you, Clara Oswald.

CLARA:
Well, don't worry, daft old man. I'm not going anywhere.

CLARA ends the hug and moves over the dematerialization switch. After a nod from the DOCTOR, she pushes it with a smile. The DOCTOR looks at her, knowing that she will die at some point, a mayfly.

My tweets

jpgr — Tue, 14 Apr 2020 16:00:47 GMT

Mon, 19:13: Transcript: 9x05 The Girl Who Died https://t.co/NuD7aAtc15

Transcript: 9x05 The Girl Who Died

jpgr — Mon, 13 Apr 2020 23:13:47 GMT

I'm getting into this now!

???

We see a close-up of CLARA’S panicked eyes.

CLARA:
Doctor! Doctor!

DOCTOR: (o.c.)
Yes, you're the very next thing on the list.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. TARDIS

There are some small explosions in the console room. He is talking to CLARA over the phone.

CLARA:
Doctor, help me!

DOCTOR:
Clara, I'm under attack from four-and-a-bit battle fleets, in case you think I'm slacking.

CLARA:
Doctor, I think there's something in my space suit.

Her suit moves around her torso.

DOCTOR:
Yes, that's possible, actually. You were too long in the spider mines.

CLARA:
OK, explain?

DOCTOR:
It's possibly a Love Sprite. Sucks your brain out through your mouth, hence the name.

CLARA:
It's halfway up my leg.

DOCTOR:
Don't worry, it's just hungry.

CLARA:
Doctor...

DOCTOR:
Describe the four most interesting stars you can see.

CLARA:
There's a blue one, quite big. Two little yellowish ones just below.

DOCTOR:
Colour of whisky, smaller one blinking?

CLARA:
Yes! It's on the back of my neck, I can feel it.

We can see something moving up her back inside the suit.

DOCTOR:
Great! I thought asphyxiation would kill you first. Can you see a nebula...? Can you see a nebula in a sort of wing-shape? Bit green at the end?

CLARA:
Yes! Yes, I can.

DOCTOR:
Great, I've seen it too. I wonder when it was.

The DOCTOR activates dematerialisation.

CLARA:
Doctor! DOCTOR!

CLARA falls back and the DOCTOR removes her helmet after the TARDIS materialises around her. He stomps the love sprite repeatedly, killing it. CLARA coughs as she stands and leans against the console.

CLARA:
How did we do?

DOCTOR:
Oh, not a word about my spot-on materialisation skills(!)

CLARA:
What about all the Velosians? Are they safe?

DOCTOR:
Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, I lured their attackers halfway across the universe and drained their weapons banks. Not to mention, I also saved a school teacher from having her brains devoured and being asphyxiated in deep space. So, now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go outside and wipe my boot on the grass.

EXT. WOODS, NIGHT

The DOCTOR is scraping the bottom of his boot against the roots of a tree just outside the TARDIS. CLARA comes to the open doorway.

CLARA:
What's to stop them re-arming and trying again?

DOCTOR:
Nothing. But the Velosians will be ready for them this time. It's the best I could do, Clara. I'm not actually the police, that's just what it says on the box.

CLARA:
You're always talking about what you can and can't do but you never tell me the rules.

DOCTOR:
We're time travellers. We tread softly. It's OK to make ripples, but not tidal waves.

CLARA:
You are a tidal wave.

DOCTOR:
Don't say that.

At that moment, swords are drawn and placed at their throats. A party of Vikings complete with helmets, shields and torches emerge from the trees.

CLARA:
Doctor... (moves to the DOCTOR’S side)

DOCTOR:
No, no, not Vikings. I'm not in the mood for Vikings.

The raiding party’s leader, a large red-headed, bearded man named Hasten – only named in the credits – is the first to speak.

HASTEN:
You're coming with us.

DOCTOR:
No, I'm not. Do you want to know why?

The DOCTOR puts the sonic glasses on his face and the other Vikings growl menacingly at this show of defiance.

DOCTOR:
On my face, right now, more advanced technology than your species will manage over the next nine million years.

HASTEN takes the sunglasses from the DOCTOR’S face and breaks them in half.

DOCTOR:
Clara...

CLARA:
Yeah?

DOCTOR:
We're going with the Vikings.

**********************************************************************

Peter Capaldi
Jenna Coleman

DOCTOR WHO
“The Girl Who Died”
By
Jamie Mathieson
&
Steven Moffatt

PRODUCER
Derek Ritchie

DIRECTOR
Ed Bazalgette

**********************************************************************

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

Life is carrying on normally in the village. A lookout in a tower spots something and blows a large horn. Everyone runs towards the gates. A young GIRL in boy’s clothes stands back as others run past her. The raiding party returns to cheers. An older, bald MAN smiles at the return and the GIRL runs forward. We then see the DOCTOR and CLARA in chains. HASTEN is wearing half of the glasses like an eyepatch. The GIRL runs up to him.

GIRL:
You're back! All of you! Are all of you back?

HASTEN:
I suppose so, I haven't counted.

The Second Man of the party, NOLLAAR, comes over and hugs her.

NOLLAAR:
I'm back!

GIRL:
I had a dream you'd all died. It was so real, I thought I'd made it happen.

HASTEN:
Well, if it ever does, I'm sure you'll a find some way to blame yourself.

HASTEN tosses the glasses to her and continues on. The GIRL stops.

GIRL:
I wish none of you had to go!

CLARA:
Plan, Doctor? Any time soon.

DOCTOR:
I do have a plan.

CLARA:
Yeah, so you keep saying for two days on a longboat.

DOCTOR:
Only because you were looking worried.

CLARA:
Only because you kept saying, "I do have a plan."

DOCTOR:
I do have a plan.

CLARA:
There you go.

They pass the GIRL and the DOCTOR stares at her, so distracted he had to be pushed along.

CLARA:
You all right? Do you know her?

DOCTOR:
Never seen her before in my life. (walks backwards so he can look at her)

CLARA:
OK, so, why are you staring?

DOCTOR:
(turns back) I don't know. Nothing, probably. Too much time travel, it happens.

CLARA:
What happens?

DOCTOR:
People talk about premonition as if it's something strange. It's not. It's just remembering in the wrong direction.

The DOCTOR looks back again and one of the Vikings pushes him forward. The girl stops and looks down at the broken piece of sunglasses before looking at the DOCTOR and CLARA. They are led to the centre of the village and a white bearded man steps out to meet them, the village ELDER.

DOCTOR:
OK, plan. We meet the boss man and we do the usual.

CLARA:
Which is?

DOCTOR:
Replace him.

HASTEN:
Father... (salutes by crossing his arm over his chest)

CLARA:
(whispers) How?

DOCTOR:
(whispers) To the primitive mind, advanced technology can seem like magic.

CLARA:
(whispers) It's going to be the yo-yo again, isn't it?

DOCTOR:
(whispers) Yeah. It's in my pocket somewhere.

The DOCTOR reaches into his pocket and then shows CLARA he has removed his manacles before flourishing the yo-yo.

HASTEN:
We have travelled far...

CLARA:
How did you do that?!

DOCTOR:
Magic.

HASTEN:
.. And much treasure.

HASTEN motions to the DOCTOR. The latter throws his manacles and chains away and the Vikings draw their swords.

HASTEN:
How dare you attack our chief?!

DOCTOR:
I am very, very cross with you. I am very disappointed. I have taken human form to walk among you.

HASTEN:
Who are you, old man?

DOCTOR:
Do you not recognise the sign of Odin?! (uses the yo-yo)

HASTEN:
You are not Odin, and that is not Odin's sign.

DOCTOR:
Oh, and you would know that how, exactly? Have you met Odin? Do you know what Odin looks like?

At that moment, there is a thunderclap and a large cloud appears in the sky. Within the cloud, the face of a man appears, rather stern with long hair, a beard and a very ornate helmet. He also appears to have a visor over one eye.

CLOUD MAN:
Oh, my people, I am Odin! and now your day of reward has finally dawned.

Some of the people kneel.

DOCTOR:
Do not believe this foolish trickery! (tries to use yo-yo but it doesn’t work) It's supposed to do that.

ODIN:
Your mightiest warriors will feast with me tonight in the halls of Valhalla!

Rays of light stream down teleporting 5 large beings in armour. The Vikings advance on the newcomers. The creatures brandish futuristic weapons. As the two factions prepare to meet, the DOCTOR and CLARA back away.

DOCTOR:
Stay still. Stay very, very still.

CLARA:
That's not really Odin, is it?

DOCTOR:
He doesn't even have a yo-yo.

CLARA:
So this is an invasion?

The two groups meet in the middle yet they don’t fight.

DOCTOR:
Shh. No, this is a harvest. The strongest, the fittest... The weak and young, they'll leave behind.

As the DOCTOR speaks, the aliens scan the Vikings. It knocks down one of the men who shows a green outline instead of red. A batch of the warriors are then teleported away.

CLARA:
We have to help them.

DOCTOR:
We have to not get chosen.

CLARA runs forward and the DOCTOR tries to stop her.

DOCTOR:
Clara... Clara, no!

CLARA runs to the GIRL and the kneel on the ground.

CLARA:
Have you still got the eye-patch thing?

DOCTOR:
(softly) Clara!

CLARA:
Point it at my chains and think the word "open". Say it with your mind.

The GIRL puts the part of the glasses on. More groups are teleported away. The aliens turn and they register the technology.

DOCTOR:
Clara! Clara!

The GIRL and CLARA are teleported. CLARA’S chains fall to the ground. The aliens then teleport themselves, mission accomplished. ODIN disappears and the villagers look up to the sky. So does the DOCTOR.

INT. SPACESHIP, CELL

Florescent lights flicker and CLARA and the GIRL arrive in the same cell as the other Vikings.

NOLLAAR:
Welcome to Valhalla, my ladies.

HASTEN pries open a door at one end of the cell with his axe. The hall on the other side is lined with small exhaust fans. HASTEN laughs and walks into the hall.

CLARA:
No, wait! Wait!

HASTEN:
(turns to face them and walks backwards) There's nothing to fear, strange maiden.

The fans speed up, as if sensing HASTEN.

HASTEN:
We are Odin's chosen.

Suddenly bolts of energy stream out from the fans, striking HASTEN. He screams and is obliterated. His helmet and the wood handle of the axe fall to the floor. Machinery thuds as if cogs are moving into position, then the wall behind them begins to move forward.

NOLLAAR:
The wall, it moves!

The men try to push the wall back.

GIRL:
Odin! Odin!

CLARA:
Use your blades, try to jam it!

The men try but the blades either break or gain no purchase. CLARA looks around frantically and spies the door on the other end of the hall.

CLARA:
Come on! Come on!

CLARA grabs the girl’s hand and the run down the hall to the door. They put their fingers in the crack and each take a side.

CLARA:
Quick! Pull!

GIRL:
I'm trying!

They look back and see the men getting pushed towards the hall.

CLARA:
Quickly!

The men are forced into the hall and the propellers start to whir and the whine becomes more intense. CLARA and the GIRL keep working on opening the door.

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

The DOCTOR rubs his hand along an elaborately carved dragon figurehead. The villagers are still trying to comprehend what happened.

MAN:
They took half the village.

MAN 2:
Yeah, and it was the good half.

EINARR:
They went willingly to Valhalla as would we all.

MAN 3:
I wouldn't. Well, I wouldn't. I'm not good with heights.

DOCTOR:
(walks over to the middle of the group) Oh, stop it! All of you, stop it, right now. Homo sapiens, you're an intelligent species. Stop lying to yourselves.

EINARR:
Choose your words carefully, False Odin.

DOCTOR:
Yes, I am a false Odin. That's exactly right, I lied. The big fella in the sky -- he lied too. You all know it. Because what's the one thing that gods never do? Gods never actually show up! Guess what? You got raided. Guess what else? I lost someone who matters to me.

EINARR:
(in DOCTOR’S face) So did I.

INT. SPACESHIP, PROCESSING

The GIRL wakes up on the floor, CLARA leaning over her.

CLARA:
Ssh!

They walk through the cavernous room cautiously. Many vials are being filled with a green liquid. They see the remnants of the others.

GIRL:
Why are we still alive?

ODIN appears at the other end of the hall. He has his “soldiers” with him.

ODIN:
Because of this. (holds up broken specs) Explain.

CLARA steps in front of the GIRL and approaches ODIN.

CLARA:
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you afraid.

ODIN:
I have no reason to fear you.

CLARA:
Except you've already analysed that and you know it's a technology from a civilisation vastly more powerful than your own, and you will have also noticed that I'm wearing a space suit. (turns in a circle) So, I'm not from around here, and it's highly unlikely I will have come alone. You see, you haven't killed us because killing us would start a fight you didn't come here to have and you're not sure you can win.

One of the soldiers passes CLARA and goes straight to ODIN, handing him one of the vials.

CLARA:
Ooh, hello. Time for your medication?

ODIN:
Adrenaline. Testosterone extracted from the finest warriors. (drinks and exhales) Nectar.

ODIN hands the vial back and the soldier leaves.

CLARA:
OK, you mash up Vikings to make warrior juice, nice.

GIRL:
They what?

CLARA:
Why play God?

ODIN:
What is a god but the cattle's name for farmer? What is heaven but the gilded door of the abattoir?

CLARA:
You're not a farmer. You're a thief, caught in the act.

GIRL:
I don't understand. "Mashed up"? What are you saying?

CLARA:
(to GIRL) Hush! (to ODIN) Go, now. Go and find Vikings on other planets. The universe is full of testosterone. Trust me, it's unbearable. We won't follow you, see? (takes a few steps forward) We don't need to fight.

ODIN:
War is our way.

CLARA:
Ask yourself, is this a war you really want?

GIRL:
Yes! (walks forward) You'll pay for what you have done here today. I am a Viking. Ashildr, daughter of Einarr. You have mocked our gods. Killed our warriors. And we will crush you on the field of battle.

ODIN:
That's better!

CLARA:
(walks over to ASHILDIR) We were about to leave.

ODIN:
You almost had me talking! Talk is for cowards.

CLARA:
No, no, no, listen to me.

ODIN:
I accept your challenge.

ASHILDIR:
We will crush you!

CLARA:
(whispers) Oh, please. Shut up.

ODIN:
Shall we say this time tomorrow? Ten of my warriors versus the best of your village.

ASHILDIR:
You will beg for mercy!

ODIN:
(laughs) I will send you back. You can inform your people of their impending destruction.

CLARA:
Why are you doing this?

ODIN:
Why else? The joy of war! Can't you see it on my face?

ODIN presses a button on his gauntlet and the human face disappears to show the real one – something truly nasty that we don’t see.

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

The DOCTOR is reading his 2000 Year Diary when CLARA and ASHILDIR reappear.

DOCTOR:
(softly) Clara?

EINARR:
Child! (hugs ASHILDIR)

DOCTOR:
(runs to her) Clara! Clara!

The DOCTOR stops short, smiles and gives her a thumbs-up.

DOCTOR:
I'm not a hugger... Ahh! (grips her in a large hug and spins her around)

CLARA:
No!

EINARR:
(sets ASHILDIR down) Where are the others?

ASHILDIR:
(rests her head on his chest) I'm sorry, Father.

DOCTOR:
I looked them up in my 2,000-year diary.

CLARA:
OK.

DOCTOR:
They're called the Mire.

CLARA:
Listen...

DOCTOR:
They're one of the deadliest warrior races in the entire galaxy...

CLARA:
OK!

DOCTOR:
…but they're practical. They get what they want and go. You persuaded them to go, didn't you? I knew you would!

CLARA:
The deadliest warrior race in the galaxy?

DOCTOR:
One of them, yes, why?

CLARA:
Because I think this village just declared war on them.

INT. TOWN HALL, DAY

CLARA has removed the spacesuit. She and ASHILDIR are explaining what happened.

CLARA:
They're coming here tomorrow, ten of them, to kill everybody in the village.

EINARR:
Ashildr... is this true?

ASHILDIR:
It's my fault.

EINARR:
(sits next to ASHILDIR and puts an arm about her) Not every misfortune that befalls this village is down to you. She thinks she brings us bad luck.

DOCTOR:
What bad luck? You haven't had any bad luck. You're fine.

MAN 2:
We are about to be attacked by...

DOCTOR:
Yes, yes, yes, yes. With a whole day to spare! So leave! Hop it, take off! Into the woods, split up, hide. Hang about there for a week, come back home, make puddings and babies -- that's basically what you do, isn't it?

EINARR:
We cannot leave this village.

DOCTOR:
Yes, you can. Just pick a direction. Fly like a bird, run like a nose -- that's probably a Viking saying, I haven't checked that.

MAN 2:
No! We will fight!

There is clamour from the villagers.

DOCTOR:
Really? Well, I don't know if you remember, but they actually took away all your fighters. So, what are you? Farmers, fishermen, web designers. Maybe not that last one.

EINARR throws a skin of weapons on the floor.

EINARR:
We are Vikings!

The men cheer.

DOCTOR:
OK, tell me this. How many people here have actually held a sword in battle? By a show of hands? Mm-hmm. Yeah, baby.

The men look around, embarrassed, and sit down. The DOCTOR raises his hand as does CLARA.

DOCTOR:
(picks up a sword) The Mire are coming for each and every one of you. (throws in down) So what you going to do? Raise crops at them?

MAN 2:
If necessary.

MAN 3:
I think he was being sarcastic.

EINARR:
We're not cowards. We do not run. And a death in battle is a death with honour.

VILAGERS:
Aye!

The DOCTOR looks around and hears a baby crying.

DOCTOR:
Do babies die with honour?

The DOCTOR closes his eyes as the baby cries.

DOCTOR:
“I am afraid, Mother. Hold me, Mother. I am afraid."

CLARA:
Um... He speaks Baby.

DOCTOR:
"Turn your face towards me, Mother, for you… (opens eyes) you're beautiful. And I will sing for you. I am afraid but I will sing." Babies think that laughter is singing, did you know that? I applaud your courage, but I deplore your stupidity. And I will mourn your deaths, which will be terrifying, painful, and without honour.

The DOCTOR starts to walk out. After a pause, CLARA is about to go after him, but ASHILDER is quicker. She catches up to him.

ASHILDIR:
Stay. You could help us. I know you could.

DOCTOR:
I told you to run. That's all the help you need. And that's all the help you're getting. (walks outside)

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

The DOCTOR is pacing when CLARA steps out. He sees her as she leans against the building and walks over.

DOCTOR:
The Earth is safe, humanity is not in danger. It's just one village.

CLARA:
"Just one village?"

DOCTOR:
Suppose I saved it. by some miracle. No TARDIS, no sonic. "Just one village" defeats the Mire. What then? Word gets around. Earth becomes a target of strategic value, and the Mire come back. And God knows what else. Ripples into tidal waves until everybody dies.

A baby cries. CLARA walks over to the DOCTOR.

CLARA:
What's it saying?

DOCTOR:
She. She's afraid. Babies sense danger. They have to.

CLARA:
Tell me.

DOCTOR:
"Mother, I hear thunder. Mother, I hear shouting. You are my world, but I hear other worlds now. Beyond the folding of your smile, is there other kindness? I'm afraid. Will they be kind? The sky is crying now. Fire in the water." Fire in the water?

The DOCTOR closes his eyes and the baby suddenly stops crying. CLARA put a hand on the DOCTOR’S cheek. He opens his eyes.

CLARA:
You just decided to stay. (walks back to the hall) The baby stopped crying. (goes inside)

>>>LATER>>>

The DOCTOR has the villagers lined up and he paces back and forth like a drill sergeant. There are practice dummies made of wood, straw and burlap. They each have wooden swords.

DOCTOR:
So, when I say "Move", you move. When I say "Jump", you say "How high?" Unless it's across a gap of some kind which, of course, means you jump horizontally. (to MAN) Yes, what is it, Lofty?

LOFTY:
Sorry, my name's not actually Lofty, it's Bro-

DOCTOR:
No, it's not, it's Lofty. I've got too much to think about without everybody having their own name, so it's Lofty. You're Lofty, you're Daphne, you're Noggin the Nog, ZZ Top, and you're Heidi. (MAN 3) So, we'll try that again. Lofty, what is it?

LOFTY:
Sorry, sir, it's just, why aren't we practising with REAL swords?

DOCTOR:
Yes, perhaps you'd like to field this one, Limpy?

LIMPY:
(former MAN 2) Because we can't be trusted with them. (wrapping a bandage around his leg)

DOCTOR:
That's right, yes. You'll be given your real swords back when you can prove that you can wave them around without lopping bits off yourselves. Heidi, why are your eyes closed?

HEIDI:
Sorry, sir. Just not that good with the sight of blood.

DOCTOR:
(scratches his face) No, of course you're not.

ASHILDIR and CLARA are watching. CLARA has her arms crossed.

ASHILDIR:
Swords against those creatures. That won't work, will it?

CLARA:
He's just warming up. He hasn't got a plan yet. But he will have and it will be spectacular.

The DOCTOR holds his sword up and whistles loudly.

DOCTOR:
Enough theory. I'm handing out the real swords.

EINARR eagerly grabs one of the swords.

>>>LATER>>>

The village horn blows a warning and people run by with buckets of water. One of the roofs is on fire. The DOCTOR is sitting on a stool and two men are lying on the ground.

DOCTOR:
Well, that could have gone better.

HEIDI sits up with a grunt.

DOCTOR:
Morning.

HEIDI:
What happened?

DOCTOR:
The Big Bang, dinosaurs, bipeds, and a mounting sense of futility.

CLARA:
More recently, Chuckles hit Lofty over the head, on his helmet, with his sword, which knocked him out. There was a little blood, which you saw and… (HEIDI faints) did that. Only, the first time you did it, you knocked a torch onto some hay, which spooked a horse, who kicked open a gate, and I'm sure you can fill in the rest.

LOFTY sits up and rubs his head.

INT. TOWN HALL, EVENING

The Vikings are sitting down to a meal.

EXT. VILLAGE, EVENING

It’s twilight. Thunder rumbles. The DOCTOR is alone until CLARA comes over. She sits on a barrel.

CLARA:
Weird-sounding thunder.

DOCTOR:
That's not thunder. It's the weapon forges of the Mire. They're making sure we hear them.

CLARA:
Well?

DOCTOR:
Well, Heidi faints at the mention of blood, not just the sight any more, he's actually upgraded his phobia. Chuckles, he questions every single order you give him, which is going to be a little bit difficult, a little bit tricky, in the heat of battle.

CLARA:
I keep waiting to hear what your real plan is.

DOCTOR:
Teaching them to fight, that's the only plan I've got.

CLARA:
Turning them into fighters? That's not like you.

DOCTOR:
Yeah. I used to believe that too.

CLARA:
What happened?

DOCTOR:
You. Oh, Clara Oswald, what have I made of you?

CLARA:
(shakes head) It doesn't matter how well you train them, it's not going to make difference.

DOCTOR:
They'll die fighting with honour. To a Viking, that's all the difference in the world.

CLARA:
A good death? Is that the best they can hope for?

DOCTOR:
A good death is the best anyone can hope for, unless you happen to be immortal.

ASHILDIR walks out.

ASHILDIR:
Sorry.

CLARA:
No problem.

ASHILDIR walks away.

DOCTOR:
Night.

CLARA:
You've made an impact there.

DOCTOR:
Stop it.

CLARA:
She's nice. Fight you for her.

DOCTOR:
The human race, you're obsessed. You all need to get a hobby.

CLARA:
I've got a hobby, thanks. It's you, by the way.

DOCTOR:
(faces CLARA) Well, get a new one.

CLARA:
Not this.

DOCTOR:
Tomorrow it's going to be a bloodbath.

CLARA:
Don't even ask!

DOCTOR:
These people died hundreds of years before you were born -

CLARA:
I'm not running!

DOCTOR:
I have a duty of care.

CLARA:
No, you don't. I never asked for that.

DOCTOR:
Every time we do something like this, I think, what if something happens to you?

CLARA:
Stop thinking about me, and think about them because you're missing something.

DOCTOR:
What?

CLARA:
How you're going to win. You always miss it right up until the last minute. So put down your sword, stop playing soldier and look for it. Start winning, Doctor. It's what you're good at. (goes back into the town hall)

INT. ASHILDIR’S HUT

ASHILDIR has created a dummy in the shape of ODIN and it casts a shadow on a draped skin.

ASHILDIR:
So, we meet again, Fake Odin. Valhalla burns around you, your army is destroyed and NOW it is time for you to DIE!

The DOCTOR arrives and stands in the doorway as ASHILDIR starts to hit the dummy. He clears his throat, startling her.

ASHILDIR:
How long have you been there?

DOCTOR:
(hurries over to her creation) What's that? Is that a puppet? Oh, I love puppets!

ASHILDIR:
I make puppets sometimes, when I'm...

DOCTOR:
Frightened?

ASHILDIR:
When the raiding parties go out, I make up stories about their battles.

DOCTOR:
Because if you make up the right story, then you think it will keep them safe and they'll all come home. That's OK. You're not the first person to ever have done that.

ASHILDIR:
Why are you here?

DOCTOR:
I'm looking for something I'm missing. What do you think our chances are tomorrow?

ASHILDIR:
We will be cut down like corn. By this time tomorrow, every single one of us will be dead.

DOCTOR:
Yeah. (picks up a book and sits) You could go.

ASHILDIR:
There's nowhere for me, except here. This is my place. The sky, the hills, the sea, the people... Is there nowhere like that for you?

DOCTOR:
Oh, I like a nice view as much as anyone.

ASHILDIR:
But?

DOCTOR:
Can't wait for the next one.

ASHILDIR:
I pity you.

DOCTOR:
I will mourn for you. I know which I'd prefer. (stands)

ASHILDIR:
You think they're all idiots, don't you?

DOCTOR:
What, you mean the rest of the universe? Basically, yes, I do.

ASHILDIR:
But they're kind and brave, and strong, and I love them.

DOCTOR:
Good, good, but that won't save you.

ASHILDIR:
I've always been different. All my life, I've known that. The girls all thought I was a boy, the boys all said I was "just a girl". My head is always full of stories. I know I'm strange. Everyone knows I'm strange. But, here, I am loved. You tell me to run to save my life. I tell you that leaving this place would be death itself.

EINARR enters the hut and hugs her.

EINARR:
I cannot keep you safe. I do not have the strength. But I will try to till the last beat of my heart.

Somewhere, a baby cries.

EINARR:
(to the DOCTOR) If you seek to mock me in this moment...

DOCTOR:
No, no, no, you go ahead, you cry all you like. Speaking of crying, is that baby getting closer?

The DOCTOR looks out the door and sees LOFTY with a baby.

DOCTOR:
Why has Lofty stolen a baby?

ASHILDIR:
That's his child.

DOCTOR:
Oh. Where's he taking her?

ASHILDIR:
The boathouse. He takes her to the boathouse when she won't settle. She likes the fish.

DOCTOR:
Why would she...? Fire in the water. Fire in the water. Fire in the... Fire in the water, fire in the water... Fire in the water! That's it, that's it. That's what I've been missing. Clara, I've found it! Clara! Clara! (runs from the hut)

INT. BOATHOUSE, EVENING

LOFTY is holding his daughter who is still crying. There are large barrels of water stored there. The DOCTOR hurries in.

DOCTOR:
Lofty! I had no idea that was your baby. Hello, baby, I had no idea this was your junior parent.

LOFTY:
I'm trying to settle her. She likes all the fish.

CLARA enters with ASHILDIR and EINARR.

CLARA:
You're shouting. What's happened? Did you trap your finger in something again?

DOCTOR:
Bedtime is cancelled. Everybody, off the hard stuff. We've got a long night's work ahead of us. I need a blacksmith. Who's the blacksmith?

LOFTY:
I'm the blacksmith.

DOCTOR:
You're the blacksmith and you've got a baby too? He's been at it hammer and tongs. (chuckles)

CLARA:
Doctor, explain.

DOCTOR:
There's going to be a war tomorrow. And here's some news, this just in -- we're going to win the hell out of it.

CLARA:
How?

DOCTOR:
Ashildr, this is your village, and you will never have to leave it, I swear.

CLARA:
Seriously, how?

DOCTOR:
I told you that we were basically doomed. Did no-one in this two-horn town think to mention that you had eels?

CLARA:
Eels?

DOCTOR:
I give you fire in the water!

There are flashes of blue energy in the barrels of water.

DOCTOR:
Electric eels!

The baby cries and the DOCTOR walks over.

DOCTOR:
Yes, yes! I know exactly how you feel. Well, not exactly. She needs changing.

CLARA:
Plan, then?

DOCTOR:
And it is a doozy!

INT. TOWN HALL, NIGHT

Different stations are set up and everyone is lending a hand with different tasks. CLARA and the DOCTOR are monitoring.

DOCTOR:
We need to pull that silvery stuff out of Clara's space suit. We can use it to magnify the electrical charge. Stop looking confused! Look happy! Winning is all about looking happier than the other guy. Always walk briskly. Makes you a moving target. Oh, that's for Lofty. Lofty! (tosses him a bundle) And talk with confidence, even if you're terrified.

Off to the side, CLARA is showing HEIDI how to use her mobile phone.

DOCTOR:
Act as if you know their plan, and sometimes, if you're very lucky, they'll actually tell you it. (pulls a blanket from a basket) This is for Ashildr.

Later, they gather as the DOCTOR explains the plan.

DOCTOR:
Then we deploy the anvil. Now, at this stage, getting me one of their helmets is key. We get a helmet, and this is over, then we can mop up the rest using Ashildr's monstrosity.

ASHILDIR uses a rope and pulley to unveil her creation.

CLARA:
That is rubbish.

DOCTOR:
I know. (smiles widely)

EXT. VILLAGE, MORNING

The village is empty, no-one is outside. ODIN and the Mire teleport down. ODIN motions for them to go forward and they enter the town hall.

INT. TOWN HALL, MORNING

The villagers are having a dance. The Mire aim their weapons. The DOCTOR and CLARA are dancing and stop.

DOCTOR:
Hey, hello, hey! I'm the Doctor. It's lovely to meet you face to convincing hologram. You could always go "bzzz" and get rid of it, no? No, on second thoughts, don't. That suits you.

ODIN:
It is time to fight.

DOCTOR:
No, no, no. We decided against that. We thought we'd just have a party!

Everyone cheers.

ODIN:
Let me put it another way. You fight or you die.

DOCTOR:
We're unarmed. There isn't a single weapon in this room -- which I'm sure your systems are telling you. You wouldn't open fire on unarmed civilians, would you?

ODIN:
It wouldn't be the first time.

A horseshoe hits a Mire's armour with a clang. The Mire all look up to a mesh of wires attached to the cartwheels of candle holders in the roof space.

DOCTOR:
Chuckles, NOW!

INT. BOATHOUSE, MORNING

EINARR hits the side of one of the vats containing the eels. The energy is conducted along the wires to the town hall and the Mire.

INT. TOWN HALL, MORNING

The Mire connected to the wires are electrocuted. The DOCTOR rushes the villagers out of the way.

DOCTOR:
Run, run, run-run-run-run! That's four down, six left.

They take shelter behind tables around the outside.

ODIN:
Go!

DOCTOR:
Chuckles, switch!

INT. BOATHOUSE, MORNING

EINARR hits a different vat.

INT. TOWN HALL, MORNING

This time the energy connects to the anvil hanging over the Mire. It creates a magnet and their weapons are pulled away to the ceiling. It also removes a couple of helmets. The Mire have over-large mouths filled with very long sharp teeth.

DOCTOR:
Chuckles, off!

The DOCTOR catches one of the helmets as it falls and CLARA picks up one of the weapons.

CLARA:
Don't move. (moves to cover the DOCTOR)

ODIN:
Go!

The villagers run from the town hall chased by the Mire. The DOCTOR works on the helmet.

CLARA:
How's it coming?

DOCTOR:
Reversing the polarity of the neutron flow. I bet that means something, it sounds great. Ashildr!

ASHILDIR runs over and sits in a chair.

DOCTOR:
Are you ready?

ASHILDIR:
I'm scared.

DOCTOR:
You were born for this. (puts the helmet on her) Show them a story they'll never forget.

At one end of the town hall, the wall falls and we see what looks like a giant sea serpent attacking them. In reality, it is one of ASHILDIR’S puppets augmented by the helmet. The Mire back away in fear.

ODIN:
What is this beast? It's impossible!

Their weapons have no effect on the “beast”.

MIRE:
Withdraw. Withdraw.

ODIN:
Stand and fight!

MIRE:
Withdraw.

The Mire begin to teleport away.

DOCTOR:
See how they run.

MIRE:
Withdraw.

More Mire teleport away.

ODIN:
Cowards!

MIRE:
Withdraw.

The last soldier leaves.

DOCTOR:
That's enough, Ashildr. Story's over. Happy ending.

ASHILDIR ends the projection and we see her creation. The head was formed by the carving the DOCTOR admired earlier. LIMPY blows the warning horn and it sounds like a fart then laughs. The door is raised and the villagers then surround ODIN, pointing their swords at him.

ODIN:
What trickery is this?

DOCTOR:
Ha! Says the man with a fake face. But you see, that's the trouble with viewing reality through technology -- it's all too easy to feed in a new reality.

CLARA:
(to HEIDI) You got it? Great. (takes mobile)

DOCTOR:
A story to save a town, and a puppet from a nightmare. You see, you've just seen the world through the eyes of a storyteller. The mighty armies of the Mire -- brutal, sadistic, undefeated. Even I believed the stories. But after today, no-one will again. An army like yours, it lives or dies on its reputation -- its story. And today, you were sent packing by a handful of farmers and fisherman. Not to mention the whole "wetting your pants and running away from a puppet" debacle.

CLARA:
See, that was really funny.

DOCTOR:
That was hilarious. It's just lucky that nobody recorded that. Wait a minute, we did.

CLARA:
(shows the DOCTOR) See, all it needed was the Benny Hill theme.

DOCTOR:
The Benny Hill theme, yes! Now, you see, we could just keep this as a funny little film and play it every year at the Christmas party, OR I could upload it to the galactic hub and get a second opinion. So, the question you need to ask yourself is this -- just how important is your reputation to you? Here's a little sneak preview, piped straight into your helmets, free of charge.

We see ODIN and the Mire backing away in fear from a roughly crafted puppet all set to “Yakety Sax”.

DOCTOR:
If you don't leave right now, I'll put it out there for all to see and no-one will fear you again.

ODIN:
This humiliation will not go unpunished. We will meet again.

The DOCTOR grabs the teleport control from ODIN’S neck and he disappears.

DOCTOR:
Oh, I hacked your teleporter. Sorry.

The villagers cheer and watch as the spaceship flies away. Back in the town hall, EINARR goes to ASHILDIR who is still in the chair wearing the helmet.

EINARR:
You did it, Ashildr. You did it. You saved us all.

The villagers gather around to congratulate her. There is no reaction from her.

EINARR:
Ashildr... Ashildr? Ashildr!

CLARA:
(rushes forward) Get the helmet off her. Get it off, now.

EINARR removes the helmet and his daughter falls into his arms. He gently lowers her to the floor.

EINARR:
Ashildr?

CLARA:
(feels her neck) No pulse. I think... Doctor, is she dead?

EINARR hugs ASHILDIR’S body and cries as he rocks her.

DOCTOR:
I'm sorry. I'm really terribly sorry. (runs from the building)

INT. BOATHOUSE, DAY

The DOCTOR is looking at his reflection in one of the eel tanks. He stands up as CLARA walks in.

CLARA:
Heart failure, yeah?

DOCTOR:
Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (exhales) I'm so sick of losing.

CLARA:
You didn't lose. You saved the town.

DOCTOR:
I don't mean the war. I'll lose any war you like. I'm sick of losing people. Look at you, with your eyes, and your never-giving-up, and your anger, and your kindness. One day the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe, and I'll do what I always do. I'll get in my box and I'll run and I'll run, in case all the pain ever catches up -- and every place I go, it will be there.

CLARA:
You did your best. She died. There's nothing you can do.

DOCTOR:
I can do anything. There's nothing I can't do. Nothing. But I'm not supposed to. Ripples, tidal waves, rules... I'm not supposed to. (realizes something and remembers his reflection) Oh. Oh!

The DOCTOR puts his hands to his face and runs over to the closest barrel. He looks in and sees his earlier self.

CLARA:
What? What's wrong?

DOCTOR:
My face. (looks in water again)

<<>>

From “Deep Breath”

The recently regenerated DOCTOR is in a London alley.

DOCTOR:
Who frowned me this face? Why this one? Why did I choose this face?

<<>>

CLARA:
Doctor, what's wrong with your face?

DOCTOR:
I think I know why I chose it.

<<>>

From “Deep Breath”

The recently regenerated DOCTOR is in a London alley.

DOCTOR:
It's like I'm trying to tell myself something.

<<>>

DOCTOR:
I think I know what I'm trying to say.

<<>>

From “Fires of Pompeii”

INT. TARDIS

The 10th DOCTOR and DONNA are at the console and she is pleading with him.

DONNA:
Just someone. Not the whole town. Just save someone.

INT. CAECILIUS' VILLA, MAIN ROOM

The door of the TARDIS opens and the figure of THE DOCTOR is silhouetted against a white light. He reaches out his hand.

DOCTOR:
Come with me.

CAECILIUS reaches out his hand and grasps THE DOCTOR's.

<<>>

DOCTOR:
I know where I got this face, and I know what it's for. (starts for the exit)

CLARA:
OK, what's it for?

DOCTOR:
To remind me. To hold me to the mark. I'm the Doctor, and I save people. (yells skyward) And if anyone happens to be listening, and you've got any kind of a problem with that, to hell with you!

INT. TOWN HALL, DAY

ASHILDIR is laid out on a bier lined with furs. Next to it, the DOCTOR pulls components for the Mire helmet.

EINARR:
What's he doing?

CLARA:
Saving her I think.

There is a whirr of the sonic and the DOCTOR stands. He holds out his palm to reveal a small device like a SIM card.

DOCTOR:
It's from the Mire helmet. Battlefield medical kit. I've reprogrammed it for human beings.

The DOCTOR places it on ASHILDIR’S forehead and it is absorbed into her body.

EINARR:
It's gone. It's inside her.

DOCTOR:
It's repairing her. It will never stop repairing her, if it works. (leans over the bier) Come on, Ashildr. Come on. The story's not over yet.

EINARR:
Daughter, (leans in and strokes her hair) listen to me. This town has lost so much. If we lose you too there'll be nothing left.

After a few tense moments, ASHILDIR gasps and opens her eyes. She breathes heavily and rests.

EINARR:
Ashildr!

DOCTOR:
She'll be conscious in a day, up and about in three -- no swimming for a week. Now we're going to need a longboat and some of your best rowers. We're two days' sail from the TARDIS. Come on, Clara!

CLARA joins the DOCTOR.

EINARR:
Wait, no. She'll want to see you when she wakes.

DOCTOR:
Oh, no. She'll see me often enough once she understands.

EINARR:
Understands what?

The DOCTOR reaches into his pocket and tosses something to EINARR.

DOCTOR:
Second dose.

It is a second “chip”.

EINARR:
Will she need to take this?

DOCTOR:
No, no, no, it's not for her.

CLARA:
Then who's it for?

DOCTOR:
Whoever she wants.

The DOCTOR and CLARA start to walk to the door.

ASHILDIR:
(softly) Doctor, thank you.

DOCTOR:
Don't thank me yet, Ashildr. Not yet.

The DOCTOR and CLARA leave. The villagers gather around ASHILDIR.

EXT. WOODS, DAY

The DOCTOR and CLARA walk through the woods towards the TARDIS.

CLARA:
OK, it's official. Silence is even worse in a Scottish accent. Are you going to tell me what you're brooding about?

DOCTOR:
It won't stop, the repair kit I put inside Ashildr, not ever. It'll just keep fixing her.

CLARA:
Well, good.

DOCTOR:
I'm not sure, but it's entirely possible she has lost the ability to die.

CLARA:
The ability?

DOCTOR:
Oh, dying is an ability, believe me. Barring accidents, she may now be functionally immortal. (unlocks TARDIS)

CLARA:
If the repair kit never stops working, then why did you give her two?

DOCTOR:
Immortality isn't living forever, that's not what it feels like. Immortality is everybody else dying. She might meet someone she can't bear to lose. That happens, I believe. (enters TARDIS)

INT. TARDIS

CLARA enters the TARDIS. The DOCTOR programs the TARDIS.

DOCTOR:
I was angry. I was emotional. Just possibly, I have made a terrible mistake. Maybe even a tidal wave. (starts TARDIS) Time will tell, it always does.

CLARA:
Whatever you did for Ashildr, I think she deserved it.

DOCTOR:
Yes. Yes, she did. But Ashildr isn't just human any more. There's a little piece of alien inside her, so in a way, she's... In a way, she's a hybrid.

EXT ??

We see ASHILDIR standing in the countryside smiling as time passes quickly around her – days, weeks, years. After awhile, she is no longer smiling, she has hardened herself.

My tweets

jpgr — Wed, 08 Apr 2020 16:00:51 GMT

Tue, 20:45: Transcript: 9x04 Before the Flood https://t.co/ZUEZn4j8eA

Transcript: 9x04 Before the Flood

jpgr — Wed, 08 Apr 2020 00:45:16 GMT

I know! Crazy, right?

RECAP of “Under the Lake”

INT. TARDIS

The DOCTOR walks around the console room, telling a story.

DOCTOR:
So there's this man. He has a time machine. Up and down history he goes, zip zip zip zip zip, getting into scrapes. (goes up the steps and flips through albums) Another thing he has is a passion for the works of Ludwig van Beethoven. And one day he thinks, "What's the point of having a time machine if you don't get to meet your heroes?" (walks around the top level) So off he goes to 18th-century Germany. But he can't find Beethoven anywhere. No-one's heard of him, not even his family have any idea who the time traveller is talking about. (puts down album cover and picks up bust) Beethoven literally doesn't exist. (goes down stairs) This didn't happen, by the way. I've met Beethoven. Nice chap. Very intense. Loved an arm-wrestle. No, this is called "The Bootstrap Paradox". Google it. (goes down to lower level) The time traveller panics, he can't bear the thought of a world without the music of Beethoven. (puts down bust) Luckily he'd brought all his Beethoven sheet music for Ludwig to sign. So he copies out all the concertos and the symphonies and he gets them published. He becomes Beethoven. And history continues with barely a feather ruffled. (picks up guitar and turns on amp) But my question is this. "Who put those notes and phrases together?" Who really composed Beethoven's 5th? (plays opening of Beethoven’s Fifth on the guitar)

**********************************************************************

Peter Capaldi
Jenna Coleman

DOCTOR WHO
“Before the Flood”
By
Toby Whithouse

PRODUCER
Peter Bennett

DIRECTOR
Daniel O’Hara

**********************************************************************

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

The DOCTOR and O’DONNELL are standing outside an abandoned train station. As it was a training site for the military, the signs are in Russian.

DOCTOR:
Where's Bennett? We need to get going.

O’DONNELL:
Oh, he's still throwing up. "One small step for man, one giant... Bleaurgh."

DOCTOR:
Time travel does that sometimes.

O’DONNELL:
Somehow I doubt that Rose or Martha or Amy lost their breakfast on their first trip.

DOCTOR:
You seem to know an awful lot about me.

O’DONNELL:
I used to be in military intelligence. I was demoted for dangling a colleague out of a window.

DOCTOR:
In anger?

O’DONNELL:
Is there another way to dangle someone out of a window? What year are we in?

DOCTOR:
(licks his finger and hold it up) 1980.

O’DONNELL:
So, pre-Harold Saxon. Pre-the Minister of War. Pre-the moon exploding and a big bat coming out.

DOCTOR:
The Minister of War?

O’DONNELL:
Yeah.

DOCTOR:
Never mind. I expect I'll find out soon enough.

BENNETT:
Sorry about that. Had a prawn sandwich. Might have been off.

The DOCTOR smiles knowingly.

DOCTOR:
Don't worry. Shall we go?

The DOCTOR starts off but O’DONNELL rests a hand on BENNETT as she lifts a foot.

O’DONNELL:
Just one sec, I've just got something in my boot...

The DOCTOR goes ahead and O’DONNELL turns to BENNETT and fangirls, jumping up and down.

O’DONNELL:
It's bigger on the inside, it's bigger on the inside, how can it be bigger on the inside, Bennett? (regains composure) OK, let's roll.

They follow the DOCTOR.

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

They walk along the pavement and we see them through a window where a mannequin has been placed. They continue past fake shop fronts and posters of Stalin.

BENNETT:
Why have we gone to Russia?

DOCTOR:
We haven't. We're still in Scotland. This is the town before it flooded. The TARDIS has brought us to when the spaceship first touched down. But here and now, it's the height of the Cold War. The military were being trained for offensives on Soviet soil.

They find the spaceship and the back is open. They walk towards it.

INT. SHIP

The stasis pod is there and there is a wrapped body on top of the other.

O’DONNELL:
Oh, is that the pilot? My God, look at size of it.

DOCTOR:
No, that's the body.

BENNETT lifts the cover of the hatch containing the power cells.

O’DONNELL:
What do you mean, "the body"?

DOCTOR:
This isn't just any spaceship. It's a hearse.

BENNETT:
The suspended-animation chamber is still here, and the power cells for the engine.

O’DONNELL:
And there are no markings on the wall.

DOCTOR:
Yet.

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

A figure runs up to the ship, waving.

FIGURE:
Greetings!

O’DONNELL:
It's him, the ghost from the Drum.

FIGURE:
(in DOCTOR’S face) Remarkable. (in front of BENNETT) And humans, too. Albar Prentis, Funeral Director. (passes out cards)

BENNETT:
You're from Tivoli, aren't you?

PRENTIS:
The most invaded planet in the galaxy! Our capital city has a sign saying, "If you occupied us, you'd be home by now."

DOCTOR:
(throws card away) Yes, I've had dealings with your lot before. I can't say I'm a fan.

PRENTIS:
No, we do tend to antagonise. (laughs)

O’DONNELL hears a sound and looks away briefly.

DOCTOR:
What are you doing here?

PRENTIS:
Ah, yes. Of course. (runs up the stairs to the ramp) This is the Fisher King. He and his armies invaded Tivoli and enslaved us for ten glorious years! Until we were liberated by the Arcateenians. But, thank the Gods, soon we'd irritated them so much, they enslaved us, too! (laughs)

BENNETT:
My first proper alien. And he's an idiot.

PRENTIS:
And now in accordance with Arcateenian custom, I've come to bury him on a barren, savage outpost.

O’DONNELL:
You mean the town?

DOCTOR:
He means the planet.

PRENTIS:
(goes to the DOCTOR ) Although, at the risk of starting a bidding war, you could enslave me. In the ship I have directions to my planet and a selection of items you can oppress me with.

DOCTOR:
Listen. We've come from the future. You're about to send some sort of signal. How do you do it? Is it a special pen?

PRENTIS:
What are you talking about?

DOCTOR:
The technology you use, the thing that wrenches the soul out of the body and makes it repeat your coordinates for eternity. Give it to me now, I'm going to take the batteries out.

PRENTIS:
We don't have anything like that. (laughs) Even this belongs to the glorious Arcateenians.

DOCTOR:
So who sends the message?

PRENTIS sniffs the DOCTOR.

DOCTOR:
Back to the TARDIS. I need to talk to Clara.

INT. BASE, MESS

CASS is staring out the window at the DOCTOR’S ghost. LUNN walks over to CLARA who is sitting apart.

LUNN:
You've been here before, in situations like this before.

CLARA:
Yeah, not exactly like...But, yeah, once or twice.

LUNN:
(squats) So you've had to deal with people who are scared. What do you say to them? I'm asking what I should say to you.

CLARA:
That it will be all right. That the Doctor will save us.

LUNN:
And when you say it, do you believe it?

CLARA:
Yeah. Yeah, I do.

LUNN:
And now?

CASS slaps the back of her chair to get their attention. She signs once they walk over.

LUNN:
Cass thinks the Doctor is saying something different to the others. He's saying "Moran. Pritchard. Apprentice"? No, "Prentis. O'Donnell. Clara. Doctor. Bennett. Cass." It's a list of all our names and when he finishes, he just goes back to the beginning again, over and over. That's it.

CLARA:
Who's Prentis? (phone rings) It's the Doctor.

LUNN:
He's alive?

CLARA:
For the moment.

LUNN signs to CASS that the DOCTOR is alive.

CLARA:
Doctor? Doctor, are you all right?

DOCTOR: (over speaker)
Yeah, fine. So listen, the spaceship, it's a hearse.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. TARDIS

The DOCTOR has CLARA onscreen at the TARDIS console.

DOCTOR:
Clara, what's wrong?

CLARA:
Another ghost has appeared.

DOCTOR:
What? Who? Has someone died?

CLARA:
Doctor, it's you.

The DOCTOR says nothing, stunned by CLARA’S revelation.

CLARA:
Are you OK?

DOCTOR:
Yeah. Well, currently.

CLARA:
What does it mean?

DOCTOR:
It means I die.

CLARA:
No -- not necessarily. We can change the sequence of events so…

DOCTOR:
This isn't a potential future. This is the future now. It's already happened. The proof is right there in front of you. (turns away from the screen and puts his hands on the rail) I have to die.

CLARA:
No. You can change things.

DOCTOR:
I can't. Even the tiniest change, the ramifications could be catastrophic. It could spread carnage and chaos across the universe like ripples on a pond. (turns around) Ah, well, I've had a good innings. (aside to O’DONNELL) This regeneration is a bit of a clerical error anyway. (into phone) I've got to go sometime.

CLARA:
NOT WITH ME! Die with whoever comes after me. You do not leave ME.

DOCTOR:
Clara, I need to talk to you, just on your own.

The DOCTOR switches over to the old handset and CLARA takes the call of speaker.

DOCTOR:
Listen to me. We all have to face death eventually. Be it ours or someone else's.

CLARA:
I'm not ready yet. I don't want to think about that, not yet.

DOCTOR:
I can't change what's already happened. There are rules.

CLARA:
So break them. And anyway, you owe me. You made yourself essential to me. You gave me something else to... to be. And you can't do that and then die. It's not fair.

DOCTOR:
Clara. (lowers his head to rest on his hand on the console)

CLARA:
No. Doctor, I don't care about your rules or your bloody survivor's guilt. If you love me in any way, you'll come back. Doctor, are you...?

DOCTOR:
I can't save Moran or Pritchard.

CLARA:
No... but like you said, if you can find out why this is happening, maybe you can stop them killing anybody else, you can save us. And you can stop it happening to you.

DOCTOR:
I'll do what I can, but the future has already happened. We've just met the Undertaker and he's still alive.

INT. SHIP

PRENTIS walks to the ship, scribbling notes in a little book. He gasps when he enters the ship. The body is gone but the wrappings are still there! He sniffs and then sees the symbols on the wall. We see them reflected in his eye. A large shadow covers the opening of the ship.

EXT. SHIP, DAY

We hear a loud roar.

INT. TARDIS

The DOCTOR switches back to the screen.

DOCTOR:
So. Ghost me. You've got a better view than me. How do I look? Any signs of trauma, any scars? Any clues as to how I die?

BENNETT and O’DONNELL return him from where they were sitting to give him privacy.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. BASE, MESS

CLARA:
No, nothing. You're the same as all the other ghosts with the weird black eyes and... (walks up to the window) No. No, wait. Your coat. It's torn. The right shoulder.

CLARA holds the phone so the camera will show the DOCTOR the ghost.

DOCTOR:
I assume I'm just saying the same thing as the others.

CLARA:
(walks away from window) No, you're saying a list of names. Our names, mainly. "Moran, Pritchard, 'Prentis', O'Donnell, Clara, Doctor, Bennett, Cass." Who's Prentis?

DOCTOR:
The mole-faced chap.

GHOST DOCTOR enters the room and CLARA drops the phone.

DOCTOR:
What's the matter, Clara, what's happening?

CLARA:
You've moved inside. You're inside here now.

DOCTOR:
What am I doing?

CLARA:
Nothing, you're... you're just standing there.

DOCTOR:
I'm not trying to kill you? Why am I not trying to kill you?

Ghost DOCTOR moves.

CLARA:
No, wait, you're moving, going toward the control panel.

We see that he has opened the Faraday cage.

CLARA:
Oh, no. He's opened the Faraday Cage. He's let the other ghosts out.

DOCTOR:
I need to talk to me now.

CLARA:
Didn't you hear me? You opened the Faraday Cage. The other ghosts are outside. Shouldn't we be hiding?

DOCTOR:
In a minute. I need to talk to the ghost me.

CLARA walks over and props her phone so the DOCTOR can see the ghost.

CLARA:
OK, Doctor, you're on.

DOCTOR:
Doctor. Such an honour. I've always been a huge admirer. This is really a delight. Finally, someone worth talking to. So firstly, why are you here?

Ghost DOCTOR looks at the DOCTOR when he hears his voice but turns away when he’s done.

DOCTOR:
Clara, Clara, what's happening?

CLARA:
(takes the phone back) Erm... Er... you've just stopped. Oh, no, wait, you've started again.

CASS:
*His message has changed, he's saying something different. He's saying...*

CLARA:
What?!

DOCTOR:
What?!

LUNN:
What?!

CASS:
*He's saying... "The chamber will open tonight."*

DOCTOR:
Clara, now the ghosts are out, go to the Faraday Cage. They won't be able to get you in there. Oh, there's a problem.

CASS, LUNN and CLARA slowly back out of the room.

CLARA:
Problem? What problem? Because everything else is going so smoothly...

DOCTOR:
The phone signal won't get through. What you'll have to do, Clara, put the phone outside, and you can watch it through the little round porthole, and when you see it ringing, if it's safe to do so, go out and answer it.

CLARA:
OK. How long are you going to...?

DOCTOR:
Clara, listen to me. Don't let that phone out of your sight. I need to be able to reach you, I need to know everything my ghost does. Do you understand? I'll come back for you. I swear.

CLARA, CASS and LUNN run for the Faraday cage and the DOCTOR loses the connection. The DOCTOR bows his head before regrouping.

DOCTOR:
Come on. Oh, wait a minute. Not you, O'Donnell.

O’DONNELL:
Why not?

DOCTOR:
Someone needs to stay here and mind the shop. What if Clara calls?

O’DONNELL:
(scoffs) The last bloke that said something like that to me got dangled out of a window.

BENNETT:
Maybe the Doctor's right, maybe it's best if you stay here.

O’DONNELL:
Never going to happen. Seriously, have you two met me?

O’DONNELL strides out and the two men look at each other. BENNETT follows O’DONNELL.

EXT. SHIP, DAY

They see PRENTIS lying on the wrappings and hurry over.

DOCTOR:
Prentis. Prentis!

INT. SHIP

The DOCTOR checks for a pulse.

O’DONNELL:
Guess that dead body wasn't so dead after all.

BENNETT:
And now we've got the writing.

DOCTOR:
The Fisher King did it himself. The future is still coming.

EXT. SHIP, DAY

They hurry down the steps and see drag marks in the ground.

DOCTOR:
He's taken the suspended-animation chamber to the church.

They hear a loud roar.

O’DONNELL:
What was that?

DOCTOR:
We need to get back to the TARDIS. Now.

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

They run through the village and hear another roar coming from in front of them. The DOCTOR leads them through a passageway.

INT. BUILDING, DAY

They continue to run.

DOCTOR:
It's cut us off.

O’DONNELL:
Let's split up. Go on, Bennett.

O’DONNELL ducks into a side passage and hides in an old room. The DOCTOR and BENNETT hide in another. BENNETT wedges a chair under the door handle. They hear heavy breathing and footsteps. Something large passes by the window of the room where the DOCTOR and BENNETT are hiding. Its shadow passes O’DONNELL. She sighs and steps out of hiding. The shadow returns and O’DONNELL turns around as we hear a low roar. BENNETT pulls the chair from the door.

DOCTOR:
No, Bennett! Wait!

BENNETT runs out of the door and finds O’DONNELL lying on the floor, moaning. He kneels beside her and takes her hand. He lifts up her head.

BENNETT:
Why did you come? You shouldn't have come. You never listen, it drives me mad.

O’DONNELL:
(strained) To keep an eye on you, idiot. So, don't die.

BENNETT:
(softly) No.

O’DONNELL dies and the DOCTOR walks in.

BENNETT:
Who's next on the list? (sets down O’DONNELL’S body and takes off glasses) That list your ghost was saying, (stands) that's the order in which people are going to die, isn't it? I mean, I've only just figured it out. But you knew all along, didn't you? Moran, Pritchard, Prentis, O'Donnell.

DOCTOR:
I thought perhaps, because her ghost wasn't there in the future, like Prentis's was, I thought maybe, maybe it wouldn't happen, maybe she stood a chance.

BENNETT:
(gets in the DOCTOR’S face) Yeah, but you didn't try very hard to stop her, though, did you? It was almost like you wanted to test your theory. So who's next?

DOCTOR:
Clara.

BENNETT:
Yeah. Yeah. Except now you're going to do something about it, aren't you? Because it's getting closer to you. You're going to change history to save yourself but not to save O'Donnell. You wouldn't save her.

DOCTOR:
This isn't about saving me. I'm a dead man walking. I'm changing history to save Clara.

BENNETT just walks away. After a moment, the DOCTOR follows.

INT. BASE, FARADAY CAGE

CLARA’S phone is propped on the wall opposite the door of the cage. She is watching it through the window. O’DONNELL’S ghost suddenly appears and CLARA falls back from the door.

CLARA:
O'Donnell's dead.

O’DONNELL turns her head and sees the phone. She then walks towards it.

CLARA:
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, don't you dare... don't you dare...

O’DONNELL takes the phone and walks away down the corridor.

INT. TARDIS

DOCTOR:
Big day for you. Time travel -- twice!

The DOCTOR starts the TARDIS.

BENNETT:
Whoa, really? When are we going to?

The DOCTOR walks up a set of stairs.

DOCTOR:
Off the map! Out of the rule book. What if I don't die, what if I refuse? I'm going to go back to the base and I'm going to save Clara because that's what I do, and I don't see anyone here who's going to stop me.

The Cloister Bell begins to toll.

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

The TARDIS materializes in front of a building with “512” painted on it. The DOCTOR and BENNETT step out. BENNETT closes the door behind him.

DOCTOR:
Why are we still here?

The DOCTOR walks forward but stops when he sees the himself getting out of the TARDIS on the platform.

DOCTOR:
No, no, no, no, no, no.

BENNETT:
What?

DOCTOR:
We've moved half an hour backwards. I'm locked in my own time-stream. The TARDIS won't let me leave.

BENNETT:
What do we do?

DOCTOR:
Now we have to keep out of sight, until time catches up.

The DOCTOR and BENNETT go the other way. We hear the earlier conversation between the DOCTOR and O’DONNELL. The DOCTOR and BENNETT walk through the village. They see PRENTIS taking readings with a sextant.

BENNETT:
Prentis. He's alive. (starts walking towards him)

DOCTOR:
(hurries after him) No, he's just not dead yet. And we don't tell him.

BENNETT:
Yeah, but he's right there, we can just...

The DOCTOR pushes BENNETT back against a wall.

DOCTOR:
However that sentence ends, no, we can't. Save him and you'll want to save O'Donnell. You can't cheat time, I've just tried. You can't just go back and cut off tragedy at the root. Because you find yourself talking to someone you just saw dead on a slab. Because then you really do see ghosts. We don't tell him. Understand? Not a word. We don't have that right.

The DOCTOR and BENNETT hide behind some metal barrels labelled toxic waste and watch the conversation they had when they met PRENTIS. BENNETT looks fondly at O’DONNELL. He stands, ready to run and warn her but the DOCTOR tackles him and there’s the sound of a gunshot. O’DONNELL looks in their direction.

INT. BASE, FARADAY CAGE

CLARA is resting her head on the side of the cage. CASS and LUNN are sitting on the floor.

CLARA:
The dark. The sword. The forsaken. The temple. (walks to the center of the cage and faces CASS and LUNN) When we found out what the ghosts were saying, we weren't surprised because the words, they were already inside us. But you, (points at LUNN) you were, weren't you? You didn't know what the words were going to be.

LUNN:
No, I didn't. How did you know?

CLARA:
Who was the one person who didn't see the writing in the spaceship?

LUNN:
Me. Cass wouldn't let me go inside.

CLARA:
That's why the ghosts didn't hurt you when they had the chance. The message isn't inside you.

LUNN:
Yes, I suppose that makes sense. (stands)

CLARA:
So you can get the phone back.

LUNN:
What?!

CASS stands and signs for LUNN to let her know what’s happening.

LUNN:
She's saying I should go and get the phone back.

CASS:
*No.*

CLARA:
Listen, listen. I need... We, we need to be able to contact the Doctor and you are the only one who can do this.

LUNN:
OK.

CLARA walks to the window and CASS takes LUNN by the lapels and signs angrily.

LUNN:
No, she's right. Neither of you can get it back.

CLARA turns back in time to see CASS point at her as she signs.

CLARA:
What? What is it? What did she say?

LUNN:
It doesn't matter.

CLARA:
Please.

LUNN:
She said to ask you whether travelling with the Doctor changed you, or were you always happy to put other people's lives at risk.

CLARA:
He taught me to do what has to be done. (turns back to the door) You should get going. (opens door)

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

The DOCTOR and BENNETT watch as their previous selves leave and PRENTIS enters the ship. They stand and the DOCTOR realizes his jacket is torn at the right sleeve. Just like his ghost.

DOCTOR:
I need more time, it's too soon. I haven't saved her yet. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. I've got no choice now, I have to face the Fisher King. You, back to the TARDIS.

They leave.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

LUNN steps into the corridor and CLARA and CASS stand in the doorway. After a brief pause, LUNN walks down the corridor the ghost took.

CLARA:
Look, he'll be fine, I promise.

CASS signs emphatically and walks back into the room.

CLARA:
OK. Didn't need anyone to translate that.

CLARA goes back into the cage and closes the door behind her. LUNN continues down the dimly lit corridor.

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

The DOCTOR walks up outside the church.

DOCTOR:
Now I'm ready.

The DOCTOR walks into the church.

INT. BASEMENT

The building is only a church on the outside. Inside, it’s more of a warehouse. The DOCTOR goes down a metal staircase to a storage area of some sort with bare metal girders. The suspension chamber is there – open.

DOCTOR:
I've come from the future. I've seen the chaos you cause, the bloodshed.

FISHER KING: (o.c.)
Tell me what you have seen.

DOCTOR:
Ghosts.

FISHER KING: (o.c.)
Ghosts?

DOCTOR:
Souls wrenched from the dead. Repeating directions to here, to this spot, over and over.

FISHER KING: (o.c.)
How many ghosts do I create? How many?

DOCTOR:
Four that I know of. Maybe five by now. Probably more since I left.

FISHER KING: (o.c.)
My ghosts will make more ghosts. Enough to bring an armada. Enough to wake me from my sleep.

INT. BASE, HANGAR

A red light lights up on the chamber and it beeps.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

LUNN continues walking the corridors but pauses when he sees the ghosts. They look up and hiss when they see him. He stops and closes his eyes as they approach and surround him. They all seem to sniff him. They step back and he opens his eyes. He continues on. And they regroup after he passes.

INT. BASEMENT

We hear stomping.

DOCTOR:
What will happen when your people arrive?

FISHER KING: (o.c.)
We will drain the oceans and put the humans in chains.

DOCTOR:
This world is protected by me.

FISHER KING: (o.c.)
Yes. One man, lost in time.

INT. BASE, MESS

LUNN cautiously enters the mess and sees CLARA’S phone sitting on a table. He quickly grabs it and runs to the door.

COMPUTER:
'Door emergency security lock.'

The door slides closed and locks. The ghosts walk past.

INT. BASEMENT

We see part of a large figure walking up behind the DOCTOR.

FISHER KING:
The seed of their destruction is already sown. They will die. The message will be sent. My people will come, and you will do nothing to stop it, Time Lord.

The DOCTOR turns around as the FISHER KING is finally revealed. About three metres tall, with mandibles and spiky plate armour, and holding a large hand weapon.

INT. BASE, FARADAY CAGE

CLARA sits on the floor as CASS paces. Resolved, she goes to open the door. CLARA gets up to stop her.

CLARA:
Hey, no, no, no, no. Cass! Wait, what are you doing? Look, Lunn, he is going to be fine, I promise. We have to stay here. I know that look. I DO that look. OK, fine. But we stick together.

CASS opens the door and the leave the cage, CLARA closing the door behind them.

INT. BASEMENT

FISHER KING:
Time Lords. Cowardly, vain curators who suddenly remembered they had teeth and became the most warlike race in the galaxy. But you, you!

The FISHER KING advances as he speaks and the DOCTOR backs up until he hits the chamber.

FISHER KING:
You are curious. You have seen the words, too. I can hear them tick inside you. But you are still locked in your history. Still slavishly protecting time. Willing to die rather than change a word of the future.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

CLARA and CASS walk carefully through the corridors. CLARA calls for LUNN.

CLARA:
Lunn. Lunn. Lunn. (realizes she’s alone) Oh, Cass. (retraces steps) Cass. Cass. Idiot. I'm an idiot. (goes down another corridor)

CASS is walking down yet another corridor. As she passes a dark junction, we see MORAN emerge from the shadows with an axe. He follows. CASS turns to look behind her but nothing is there. She continues and we hear a metallic scraping as MORAN appears behind her dragging the axe.

INT. BASEMENT

FISHER KING:
You will be a strong beacon. How many ghosts can I make of you?

The FISHER KING backs away and the DOCTOR straightens and walks forward.

DOCTOR:
You know, you've got a lot in common with the Tivoleans. You'll both do anything to survive. They'll surrender to anyone. You will hijack other people's souls and turn them into electromagnetic projections.

The FISHER KING stops and turns to face the DOCTOR.

DOCTOR:
That will to endure. That refusal to ever cease. It's extraordinary. And it makes a fella think, because you know what, (walks around the FISHER KING) if all I have to do to survive is tweak the future a bit, what's stopping me? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the ripple effect. Maybe it will mean that the universe will be ruled by cats or something, in the future. But the way I see it, even a ghastly future is better than no future at all. You robbed those people of their deaths. Made them nothing more than a message in a bottle. You violated something more important than time. You bent the rules of life and death. So I am putting things straight. Here, now, this is where your story ends.

The FISHER KING growls.

INT. BASE, HANGAR

The chamber beeps again the lid rattles.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

CASS continues to walk down the corridor and MORAN comes up behind her. Even though he is still dragging the axe, she, of course, hears nothing. CASS stops, pretending to tie her bootlace but presses her hand to the floor and feels the vibrations of the axe. MORAN swings the axe but CASS ducks and runs right through him. He disappears and the axe falls to the floor. CASS passes CLARA as she runs.

CLARA:
Oh, there you...

CASS grabs her hand and they continue running.

INT. BASEMENT

FISHER KING:
There is nothing you can do. (holds up weapon)

DOCTOR:
I've already done it. The words have gone. I got rid of them. The future I saw, none of that will happen now. The message will never contaminate my friends, no-one will die, no-one is coming to save you. That's the thing about knowing you're going to die. You've got nothing left to lose.

The FISHER KING growls and shoves the DOCTOR away and walks off.

INT. BASE, MESS

CLARA and CASS arrive at the mess, opening the doors.

LUNN:
No, no, you've got to get out of here. The ghosts locked me in. It's a trap.

The ghosts come out of the walls and move to surround them.

CLARA:
Come on! Faraday Cage now! (runs out)

CASS grabs LUNN’S hand and they run out after her.

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

The FISHER KING exits the church and walks to the ship and inside.

INT. SHIP

The FISHER KING looks at the wall and sees the symbols are still there.

FISHER KING:
The Time Lord... lied.

One of the power cells is missing from its hatch.

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

It’s outside beeping. The sound quickens. The FISHER KING walks away from the ship. The power cell explodes near the dam and cracks form as part of the dam crumbles.

INT. TARDIS

A hologram of the DOCTOR appears by the console. BENNETT looks up from his seat on the stairs.

HOLOGRAM:
This is security protocol 712. The echelon circuit has been activated. Please stow any hand luggage and prepare for departure.

The HOLOGRAM flickers out and the TARDIS starts up.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

CLARA, CASS and LUNN run for the Faraday Cage. The ghosts seem to herd them to the hangar.

INT. BASE, HANGAR

They back away from the entrance towards the suspension chamber.

CLARA:
Back, get back.

They bump into the chamber and it starts to activate. Four ghosts enter.

EXT. VILLAGE, DAY

The dam cracks grow wider and water pours through. The FISHER KING growls and simply stands there as the flood waters get closer. He then roars, arms outstretched as the water overtakes him.

INT. BASE, HANGAR

The chamber opens and CLARA, CASS and LUNN take a step back. The DOCTOR sits up, wearing his sonic specs. He whips them off.

DOCTOR:
Don't kiss me. Morning breath.

CLARA:
Doctor?

DOCTOR:
Follow me.

The DOCTOR runs from the hangar and the others follow.

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

The DOCTOR slips the end of an earpiece from his specs into a slot on the console. The roar of the FISHER KING echoes through the base.

CLARA:
What's that noise?

DOCTOR:
It's the call of the Fisher King. The call of their master.

In the hangar, the ghosts turn around and leave.

CLARA:
Where are they going?

They move to look at the screens showing the base. The ghosts walk into the Faraday cage where the DOCTOR’S ghost is emitting the roar. The DOCTOR remotely closes and locks the door. The DOCTOR’S ghost flickers out of existence.

A little later CLARA is sitting wearing the DOCTOR’S shades.

CLARA:
So what was it? Your ghost.

DOCTOR:
A hologram. Like the one we made of you to lure the ghosts into the Faraday Cage. With a soupcon of artificial intelligence, and a few pre-recorded phrases thrown in.

CLARA reaches to take the glasses off but the DOCTOR slaps her hands away. He takes them off himself.

DOCTOR:
Uh... All beamed from the sonic glasses.

CLARA gets up and switches places with CASS. The DOCTOR puts the glasses on her.

DOCTOR:
As soon as you brought me and the chamber on board, it connected with the base's Wi-Fi and Bob's your uncle, you've got a ghost Doctor.

CLARA:
Why did they only come out at night?

DOCTOR:
They're electromagnetic projections that were out of phase with the base's day mode. Right. (takes the glasses off CASS) That's it. I've erased the memory of the writing. Though you might find you've lost a couple of other memories too. People you went to school with, previous addresses or how to drink liquids. That's you two done. Where's Bennett?

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

BENNETT stands outside the Faraday Cage watching the ghosts, watching O’DONNELL. The others are standing behind him.

BENNETT:
What will happen to them?

DOCTOR:
UNIT will cut out the Faraday Cage with them inside and take it away. Then the space-hearse will be destroyed, so the writing doesn't infect anyone else.

BENNETT:
What do I do now?

DOCTOR:
I don't understand.

CLARA:
I do. (stands beside BENNETT) You keep going. You have to. Take it from me, there is a whole world out there, a galaxy, a life. What would O'Donnell have wanted?

DOCTOR:
I need to erase that message from your mind, but it's fine, I'll do it later. (starts to walk away)

BENNETT:
(turns around) Lunn. Will you translate something to Cass for me?

LUNN:
Of course.

BENNETT:
Tell her you're in love with her and that you always have been.

LUNN:
What?

BENNETT:
Tell her there is no point wasting time because things happen and then it's too late. Tell her I wish someone had given me that advice.

CASS questions LUNN and he tells her what BENNETT said. CASS looks puzzled and turns to BENNETT. LUNN is embarrassed.

LUNN:
Oh, God. I was just passing on what he said. Please don't feel...

CASS grabs LUNN by the collar of his shirt, pulls him close and kisses him deeply. It’s then her turn to be embarrassed.

INT. TARDIS

CLARA enters the TARDIS ahead of the DOCTOR.

CLARA:
What will UNIT do with the ghosts?

DOCTOR:
Drag the cage into space, away from the Earth's magnetic field. With nothing to sustain them, the ghosts will eventually fade away.

CLARA:
Here's what I don't understand. You did change the future. You stopped the Fisher King from returning.

DOCTOR:
The Fisher King had been dead for 150 years before we even got here. But once I went back I became part of events. But here's the thing. The messages my ghost gave weren't for you, they were for me. That list. Everyone after you was random, but you being the next name, that's what made me confront the Fisher King.

CLARA:
And saying the chamber will open?

DOCTOR:
That was me telling me to get inside and when to set it for.

CLARA:
Smart.

DOCTOR:
(smiles) Except that's not why I said them.

CLARA:
How do you mean?

DOCTOR:
I programmed my ghost to say them because that's what my ghost had said. And the only reason I created my ghost-hologram in the first place was because I saw it here. I was reverse engineering the narrative.

CLARA:
OK, that's still pretty smart.

DOCTOR:
You do not understand. When did I first have those ideas, Clara?

CLARA:
Well, it must have been... Wow.

DOCTOR:
Exactly. Who composed Beethoven's 5th?

My tweets

jpgr — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 16:00:47 GMT

Sun, 16:54: Transcript: 9x013 Under the Lake https://t.co/ER8d1eXt9R

Transcript: 9x013 Under the Lake

jpgr — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 20:54:33 GMT

I guess this being at home has gotten me motivated to work on these!

EXT. UNDERSEA BASE

The base is The Drum, Underwater Mining Facility, Caithness, Scotland in 2119.

MORAN: (v.o.)
'Private journal of Captain Jonathan Moran, 21st November 2119. We have located a craft of unknown origin on the lake floor. Visual scans in situ revealed nothing, so we have brought the craft on board and myself and the crew will now investigate.'

INT. BASE, HANGAR

The ship seems more of a shuttle, on the small side. They rear has opened as a ramp revealing a small bay with a large rectangular object inside. Most of the crew are inside while one stands at the foot of the ramp watching.

MORAN:
How did they miss this in the initial survey?

MAN::
Cass says it was buried, and the currents of the water must have shifted the rubble around.

CASS is a woman who appears to be deaf and mute, using sign language. The first man is her interpreter.

INT. SHIP

MAN 2:
A conversation needs to be had about who owns this spaceship.

MORAN:
Can we stop calling it a spaceship? We don't know what it is.

MAN 2:
A case could be made that this is an asset, and my company has bought the rights to all assets...

CASS puts her hands up and walks away. She is not getting involved in the argument. MORAN, ignoring the second man, walks forward and sees some sort of scratching on the wall.

MORAN:
Whoa, whoa. What's this? Lunn, grab me a torch, will you?

INT. BASE, HANGAR

As LUNN, the interpreter, goes for a torch, the argument inside continues.

MORAN: (v.o.)
It was found on MOD property, even if that property is underwater.

As LUNN walks towards the cabinet, we see a shadow of something pass by. He gets the torch, and, as he closes the cabinet, he sees a face reflected in the glass. When he turns around, there’s no one there.

MORAN: (v.o.)
What you bought is the oil under the ground. Lunn! Where's the torch?

With a shake of his head, LUNN brings to the torch to the ship.

INT. SHIP

Another woman with a baseball cap and ponytail meets him, takes the torch and passes it to MORAN. He holds the torch up to the symbols and we see them reflected in his eye. He starts out of the ship at the others follow. (*from here on I will give CASS dialogue even though it is spoken by LUNN, it will just make things easier.*)

INT. BASE, HANGAR

LUNN:
Can I go in?

MORAN:
What is the radiation count?

MAN 3:
Pretty much background level.

WOMAN::
Anything more, it would have shown up on the initial survey 20 years ago.

LUNN:
If it's not safe, how come you can go in?

CASS:
*How long do you think it's been down here?*

MAN 3:
Well, there's next to no corrosion. I've not seen technology like this...

MORAN:
Please don't say "on Earth".

MAN 3:
…on Earth before.

MORAN:
(sighs) Maybe it's some kind of experimental craft that got left behind when they abandoned the site.

MAN 3:
Wait, you think the Army would just lose a prototype weapon?

MORAN:
You're new to the military, aren't you, son?

LUNN:
Cass says he might be right. It might have been here since the 1980s, when the valley flooded.

INT. SHIP

MAN 2 is still on the ship and is staring through some sort of window at the front when a shadowy figure appears, dressed like a Victorian-era mourner. He reaches out for the man who backs away with a cry. As the figure disappears, the ship’s engines ignite, spouting flame.

INT. BASE, HANGAR

MORAN:
Cass!

MORAN pushes CASS out of the way and is caught in the blast himself. As the alarms blare, the crew runs from the hangar.

LUNN:
Come on! Move! Come on, we need to go now!

COMPUTER:
'Fire in the main hangar. Safety protocols have been initiated. All crew must evacuate immediately. This safety message was brought to you by Vector Petroleum.'

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

The crew stops as a blast door lowers cutting them off from the hangar.

WOMAN::
We can't just leave him!

MAN 2:
There was something in the spaceship, I saw it!

MAN 3:
O'Donnell, he's dead. Didn't you see?

LUNN:
The fire, are we safe out here?

MAN 3:
It's fine, the CO2 will put the fire out.

O’DONNELL:
(points her finger at MAN 2) It was you! You were messing about with the controls on that ship!

CASS sees something behind them and grabs LUNN as she screams, turning him around. The shadowy figure of MORAN is there, black holes where his eyes would be.

MAN 3:
Moran. But... we just saw you...

O’DONNELL:
He's... Oh, my God. He's a ghost.

The Victorian-looking man appears and they both reach out for the crew.

**********************************************************************

Peter Capaldi
Jenna Coleman

DOCTOR WHO
“Under the Lake”
By
Toby Whithouse

PRODUCER
Derek Ritchie

DIRECTOR
Daniel O’Hara

**********************************************************************

INT. BASE

It is three days later and the TARDIS arrives in an empty corridor on the base. We are shown other parts of the base, including a room with overturned chairs.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

DOCTOR:
(to TARDIS) What's wrong? You're not happy. Why aren't you happy? Tell me.

CLARA:
(opens TARDIS DOOR) Come on! We're on a roll! Monsters, things blowing up. Oh, hey, can we go back to that place where the people with the long necks have been celebrating New Year for two centuries? I left my sunglasses there. (walks back inside) And most of my dignity.

DOCTOR:
(looks around) Why have you brought us here?

CLARA:
(comes out and closes the door) Here being...?

DOCTOR:
(runs a hand along a wall) Underwater. Some sort of a base. The technology's 22nd century. Maybe military, maybe scientific.

CLARA:
Is there a crew?

DOCTOR:
Must be, somewhere, if there's oxygen.

They begin to explore.

CLARA:
I want another adventure. Come on, you feel the same. You're itching to save a planet, I know it.

INT. BASE, MESS

There is a mural with a sea serpent or something similar attacking men in a small sailboat. (As this is Scotland, maybe it’s mean to be Nessie.) This is where the overturned chair is.

CLARA:
Doctor, look at this.

DOCTOR:
Well. Looks like you got your wish.

There is a knife thrust into a wall.

CLARA:
Food fight?

DOCTOR:
I think there was more to it than that. Whatever it was, it happened pretty recently. (sticks finger into a drink that was once hot) Seven or eight hours ago. No bodies, though.

CLARA:
(checks cabinets) And they took provisions. OK, so something or someone forced the crew to abandon the base. Maybe they went for a swim (looks out window) in the creepy flooded village outside... Oh, yeah. You see, this is more like it. (holds up hand for high-five) Oh, come on. Don't leave me hanging.

The DOCTOR leaves and CLARA follows.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

CLARA catches up with the DOCTOR who is looking at something.

DOCTOR:
Look. Told you. Crew.

Where the corridor curves just ahead of them, two figures are on their knees, facing away. The DOCTOR and CLARA walk up.

DOCTOR:
Hello, sailors!

The figures turn and stand. It is MORAN and the other “ghost”. The DOCTOR and CLARA stop.

DOCTOR:
Right, I did not expect that. Hands up who expected that.

The figures approach and CLARA starts to back away.

DOCTOR:
Wait, wait -- I don't think they're going to hurt us. I think that they're just curious.

The figures stop right in front of them, inches from their faces.

CLARA:
Are you sure?

DOCTOR:
Well, I mean, define "sure". Look at you lovely chaps. What's happened to you, then?

The figures turn away. The DOCTOR looks at CLARA.

DOCTOR:
Come on.

The DOCTOR and CLARA follow.

CLARA:
What are they?

DOCTOR:
I haven't a clue. Isn't that exciting?

INT. BASE, HANGAR

The DOCTOR and CLARA enter the hangar and see the ship.

CLARA:
Where did they go? What is it, some kind of submarine?

DOCTOR:
No, it's alien.

They climb the steps into the ship.

INT. SHIP

The DOCTOR runs his fingers along the edge of the chest as he looks around. He then sees the symbols on the wall. They are reflected in his eye. He points it out to CLARA and it reflects on her eye as she looks at it.

DOCTOR:
That's weird. The Tardis hasn't translated it.

CLARA:
Hey, look, they're back.

INT. BASE, HANGAR

MORAN and the Victorian-looking man are back. The DOCTOR and CLARA move to the back of the ship.

DOCTOR:
Hello! Did you want to show us this? It's very nice.

The two figures appear to be speaking.

CLARA:
Wait, are they saying something?

MORAN turns around and takes an axe from the wall. It’s too heavy and the head drops to the floor.

CLARA:
OK, they now appear to be arming themselves.

DOCTOR:
Yes, I spotted that, too.

MORAN drags the axe as he walks closer and the other figure has taken a harpoon gun. The DOCTOR and CLARA hurry down the steps out of the ship.

DOCTOR:
Was it something she said? She does that. She once had an argument with Gandhi...!

MORAN swings the axe and misses. CLARA and the DOCTOR back away from the creatures.

CLARA:
I'm starting to see why the crew did a runner.

The other creature fires the harpoon gun. The DOCTOR and CLARA dodge it as they run out the door. The two creatures follow, walking through a wall. The weapons fall to the floor.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

The DOCTOR and CLARA press themselves against the wall and look back the way they came. A hand reaches out from the wall between them. CLARA shrieks and backs away as MORAN emerges. They both back away only to be stopped when the other rises up through the floor.

CLARA:
(grabs the DOCTOR’S hand) Run!

The two run down the corridor. Ahead of them is a door with a circular window. There are people on the other side. The door opens.

O’DONNELL:
In here! Quick!

The DOCTOR and CLARA run inside and the door closes behind them.

INT. BASE, FARADAY CAGE

The rest of the crew is inside. The DOCTOR goes to the window and watches the creatures on the other side.

DOCTOR:
What are YOU?

The creatures walk away. CASS signs quickly.

CASS:
*Who the hell are you, and what are you doing here?*

DOCTOR:
This is Clara, and I'm the Doctor. (holds up psychic paper)

MAN 2:
You're from UNIT.

DOCTOR:
Well, if that's what it says.

MAN 2:
I'm Pritchard, this is Bennett.

O’DONNELL:
(shakes DOCTOR’S hand) O'Donnell! Are you really the Doctor? I'm a huge fan! (laughs nervously) I mean, um, you know... Nice work.

LUNN:
Tim Lunn, I sign for Cass. (motions to CASS next to him)

DOCTOR:
Tell me, what about those things out there, what are they? Why are they trying to kill us?

BENNETT:
Well, they're... They're ghosts.

DOCTOR:
They're not ghosts.

CASS signs.

LUNN:
Cass is saying...

DOCTOR:
Thank you, but I actually don't need your help. I can speak sign. (motions with his hand to CASS) Go ahead.

CASS signs and the DOCTOR watches intently. He becomes bewildered.

DOCTOR:
No, no, actually, I... I can't. It's been deleted... for semaphore. Someone get me a selection of flags.

LUNN signs with a confused look on his face. CASS signs.

CASS:
*One of the ghosts is our previous commanding officer. The other, um, moley guy, we don't know what he is.*

DOCTOR:
He's from the planet Tivoli.

BENNETT:
See? I told you he was an alien! Didn't I say that?

DOCTOR:
Weird thing is, they're not violent. They're too cowardly. They wouldn't say boo to a goose. They're more likely to give the goose their car keys and bank details. When did they first appear?

O’DONNELL:
Oh, did you see that spaceship in the hangar? Yeah, we found that on the lake bed and we'd just got it on board and one of the engines started up and then Moran got... Moran was killed.

CASS:
* Then they appeared and pretty much straightaway started trying to kill us. So we grabbed what we could and we were looking for somewhere to hide and that's when we realised the ghosts couldn't come in here.*

CLARA:
What is this place?

DOCTOR:
It's a Faraday cage. Completely impenetrable to radio waves and, apparently, whatever those things are out there. So, who's in charge now? I need to know who to ignore.

LUNN:
That would be me. (points to CASS) Her.

PRITCHARD:
Actually, that would be me. I represent Vector Petroleum. (hands DOCTOR his card) We've obtained the mining rights to the oil.

DOCTOR:
The oil? (tosses card) Where are we?

PRITCHARD bends over to pick up his card.

BENNETT:
This used to be a military training site. There was a dam overlooking it, but the dam burst and the valley was submerged.

PRITCHARD:
Then, 20 years ago, we discovered a massive oil reservoir underneath it.

The lights dim then brighten.

COMPUTER:
'Good morning. Entering day mode.'

O’DONNELL:
OK, it's morning. We can go outside now.

LUNN:
Thank God for that.

PRITCHARD:
At last, we can get out of here.

The crew gather their belongings.

CLARA:
Morning?

BENNETT:
Yeah, we're too far below the surface for daylight, so we have to demarcate artificial days and nights.

O’DONNELL opens the door.

DOCTOR:
I'd like to have a further look at that spaceship, but what about those things that aren't ghosts?

O’DONNELL:
It's all right. They only come out at night. (leaves)

The other members leave the room.

CLARA:
Weird how that is not comforting. (CLARA leaves)

INT. BASE, HANGAR

The DOCTOR follows PRITCHARD into the hangar.

DOCTOR:
If whatever they are...

PRITCHARD:
They're ghosts!

DOCTOR:
They're not ghosts! Have been trying to kill you,why haven't you abandoned the base?

PRITCHARD:
That was my call. We have $1 trillion worth of mining equipment here. We're not just going to abandon it. What? If it all goes pear-shaped, it's not THEM that lose a bonus.

DOCTOR:
It's OK. I understand. You're an idiot. (walks ahead) Come to mention it, why is there a Faraday cage on the base?

BENNETT:
It's the mining equipment. It runs on nuclear fission. The Faraday cage has been lined with lead to act as a shelter in the event of a radiation leak.

DOCTOR:
So, we're fighting an unknown homicidal force that has taken the form of your commanding officer and a cowardly alien, underwater, in a nuclear reactor. Anything else I should know? Someone got a peanut allergy, or something(?)

The DOCTOR and CLARA climb the steps into the ship.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. SHIP

DOCTOR:
It all started with this ship. This is where the answer will be. (looks at the floor and opens hatch) What's happened to the stuff you've removed? This is for long-haul flights. There should be a suspended-animation chamber for the pilot right here. Plus, one of the power cells is missing.

PRITCHARD:
(climbs steps) A power cell?

DOCTOR:
Yeah. You can see the casing is empty.

O’DONNELL and BENNETT also enter the ship. LUNN and CASS argue outside.

LUNN:
It's not safe out here!

CLARA:
What's the matter?

LUNN:
She won't let me look inside the spaceship. She says it's not safe. I'm saying it's not safe out here.

PRITCHARD:
I imagine they're pretty valuable.

DOCTOR:
What?

PRITCHARD:
I mean, powerful. Those power cells. I imagine they're pretty powerful.

DOCTOR:
They can zap a vessel from one side of the galaxy to the other, so take a wild stab in the dark.

PRITCHARD:
And the missing one must still be out there.

DOCTOR:
Yes, well, otherwise... (to O’DONNELL) Sorry, why is this man still talking to me?

O’DONNELL:
We haven't removed anything. There hasn't been time.

PRITCHARD leaves the ship.

DOCTOR:
So, what have we got? (walks down the steps) Moran dies, and then those things appear. They can walk through walls. They only come out at night. And they're sort of see-through.

CLARA:
Doctor, wait, you're not saying...

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

DOCTOR:
They're ghosts! Yeah, ghosts.

CLARA:
You said there was no such thing. You actually pooh-poohed the ghost theory.

DOCTOR:
(walks around the room) Yes, well... well, there was no such thing as socks or smartphones and badgers until there suddenly were. Besides, what else could they be? They're not holograms, they're not Flesh Avatars, they're not Autons, they're not digital copies bouncing around the Nethersphere. No, these people are literally, actually dead. This is... It's amazing! I've never actually met a proper ghost!

CASS:
*Moran was our friend.*

CLARA:
(walks up to the DOCTOR and whispers) The cards.

DOCTOR:
Oh! Oh, right you are.

The DOCTOR reaches into his pocket and pulls out index cards. CLARA takes them from him.

CLARA:
Oh, come here.

CLARA flips through the cards. They have phrases written on them to help deal with social situations. “I completely understand why it was difficult not to get captured”, “It was my fault. I should have known you didn’t live in Aberdeen”, “I didn’t mean to imply that I don’t care” and “No one is going to get eaten vaporised/exterminated/ upgraded/possessed/ mortally wounded /turned to jelly. We'll all get out of this unharmed.” She clears her throat and hands him the next one.

DOCTOR:
(clears throat and reads solemnly) I'm very sorry for your loss. I'll do all I can to solve the death of your friend slash family member slash pet.

CLARA shakes her head and takes the card back. The DOCTOR turns to the others.

DOCTOR:
But don't you see what this means? Death! It was the one thing that unified every single living creature in the universe, and now it's gone! How can you just sit there?! Don't you want to go out there right now, wrestle them to the ground and ask them questions until your throat falls out? What's death like? Does it hurt? Do you still get hungry? Do you miss being alive? Why can you only handle metal objects? Oh, I didn't know I'd noticed that. OK, so they'll try to kill you, blah, blah, blah. What does that matter? You come back! A bit murder-y, sure, but even so! Calm, Doctor, calm. You were like this when you met Shirley Bassey. OK. Question one: what is a ghost? Question two: what do they want?

The lights go out.

O’DONNELL:
Whoa. Whoa, what's happening?

COMPUTER:
'Good evening. Entering night mode.'

O’DONNELL:
That's not right. (sits at computer terminal) We're switching back into night mode again. This can't happen! No, no, no!

We hear a distant bell tolling.

BENNETT:
Um, what's doing that?

The DOCTOR listens, shocked.

CLARA:
Doctor?

DOCTOR:
The TARDIS Cloister Bell!

The DOCTOR runs from the room and CLARA follows.

INT. TARDIS

The Cloister Bell continues to toll as the DOCTOR and CLARA enter. The lighting is dim, mainly red emergency lights. There is vapor streaming up through the grating.

CLARA:
Doctor, what's wrong?

DOCTOR:
It must be the ghosts. That's why she was upset when we got here.

CLARA:
Why? I don't understand.

DOCTOR:
It's just what I was saying. You live and you die, that's it. The ghosts are aberrations. A splinter of time in the skin. They're unnatural. She wants to get away from them.

CLARA:
So, what do we do?

The DOCTOR turns a large hand and the engines power down.

DOCTOR:
Put the handbrake on.

CLARA takes off her jacket and heads for the door.

DOCTOR:
Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, ho! Where do you think you're going?

CLARA:
Out there, where the action is.

DOCTOR:
Look, um... (puts a fist to his mouth)

CLARA:
What?

DOCTOR:
Oh, this is my own fault. I like adventures as much as the next man. If the next man is a man who likes adventures. Even so, don't... don't go native.

CLARA:
What do you mean? I'm not.

DOCTOR:
Look, there's a whole dimension in here, but there's only room for one ME. (points at himself with both hands)

CLARA:
Wait... wait a second. You just raved about ghosts like a kid who had too much sherbet.

DOCTOR:
Do you know what you need? You need a hobby!

CLARA:
(chuckles) I really don't.

DOCTOR:
Or, even better, another relationship! Come on, you lot, you're bananas about relationships. You're always writing songs about them or going to war or getting tattooed...

CLARA:
Doctor, I'm fine.

DOCTOR:
(stammers) I just felt that I had to say something.

CLARA:
I know. And I appreciated it.

DOCTOR:
Because I've got a duty of care.

CLARA:
Which you take very seriously, I know.

DOCTOR:
So, can I stop now?

CLARA:
Please. Please do.

CLARA goes out the door and the DOCTOR starts to follow but stops when the TARDIS makes a metallic “thrumming”.

INT. BASE, HANGAR

O’DONNELL: (over speaker)
'Attention, all crew. The Drum has switched to night mode early so grab provisions and make your way to the Faraday cage.'

INT. BASE, AIRLOCK

PRITCHARD returns and takes off his helmet.

PRITCHARD:
That you, Bennett? I went out looking for that missing power cell. OK, contractually, it's a grey area, but I reckon we can argue everything non-indigenous is an asset and therefore... (realizes something is wrong) Bennett?

He sees MORAN approach through the window and jumps back, startled.

PRITCHARD:
We're meant to be in day mode! You shouldn't be here.

He hears whispering as MORAN’S mouth moves.

PRITCHARD:
(moves to the window) What? What? What... what are you saying?

MORAN reaches for the outer door override switch.

PRITCHARD:
No, Moran! Don't!

The airlock floods.

INT. BASE, MESS

CLARA and BENNETT are gathering provisions.

O’DONNELL: (over speaker)
'Pritchard, you are unaccounted for. Contact the bridge or get to the Faraday cage immediately. Pritchard, contact the bridge or get to the Faraday cage!'

BENNETT:
I'd love to work for UNIT, Earth's first line of defence, and all. I'm probably not suited, though. Not much of a fighter. More of a bleeder.

CLARA looks up and sees a figure in a wet suit. It is facing away from them

CLARA:
Pritchard! Where you have you been? Everyone's been looking for you. What's with the wet suit?

BENNETT:
Yeah, where have you been?

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

O’DONNELL and the DOCTOR are in the room.

BENNETT: (over radio)
'O'Donnell, it's OK. Pritchard's in here!'

O’DONNELL: (into mic)
Pritchard, you moron. Grab your stuff, we're locking down early. (pushes chair over to other computers) In case I can't get this back into day mode.

INT. BASE, MESS

CLARA and BENNETT watch the figure.

CLARA:
Is he all right?

Something thuds against the window. They look outside to see a body in a yellow wet suit.

BENNETT:
Man overboard. Man overboard! We need a rescue team in the water now!

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

O’DONNELL and the DOCTOR listen to the conversation with alarm.

INT. BASE, MESS

The figure has turned so we can see the face.

CLARA:
Bennett, wait! It's Pritchard.

The figure in the room turns around and it’s an eyeless PRITCHARD. CASS, LUNN and the DOCTOR run into the room.

CLARA:
He's a ghost. He's another ghost.

PRITCHARD lifts a chair over his head and approaches the group.

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

O’DONNELL works the computer consoles.

O’DONNELL:
Come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...

INT. BASE, MESS

PRITCHARD fades and the chair falls to the floor.

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

O’DONNELL falls back in her chair with a sigh.

COMPUTER:
'Good morning. Entering day mode.'

Later, everyone has gathered and witness PRITCHARD’S death as it is replayed on a screen.

DOCTOR:
They're working out how to use the base against us -- altering the time settings so they can go about uninhibited, opening the airlocks. They're learning.

CLARA:
And now there's three of them.

BENNETT:
Cass, what do we do?

CASS:
*We abandon the base. Topside can send down a whole team of Marines or ghost-busters or whatever.*

DOCTOR:
Wait, wait...

CASS:
(faces the DOCTOR) *I can't force you to leave, so you can stay and do the whole cabin-in-the-woods thing and get killed or drowned, if you want. But my first priority is to protect my crew.*

The DOCTOR walks over to CLARA.

CLARA:
(quietly) But we're coming back, aren't we?

DOCTOR:
(quietly) Yes, we're coming back.

CASS:
*O’Donnell, contact Topside. Tell them we're abandoning the base on my orders.*

O’DONNELL:
(uses field telephone) Topside, Topside, this is Lance Corporal Alice O'Donnell from Drum Control. Over.

MAN::
(over phone) 'Drum Control, this is Topside. We have received your message. Submarine on its way. Over.'

O’DONNELL:
Repeat, Topside. Over.

The DOCTOR makes his way towards O’DONNELL.

MAN::
'We've received your request for a rescue sub. It's two minutes away. Over.'

O’DONNELL:
Topside, who did you speak to and when was this request made? Over.

MAN::
'Drum Control, it was in Morse code and arrived maybe half an hour ago. Said it was urgent, comms were down, two crew members critically ill, full paramedic team requested. Over.'

DOCTOR:
(grabs the phone) Topside, this is the Doctor, UNIT security visa 7-1-0-Apple-0-0. You may be familiar with my work. Call back the sub.

MAN::
'Doctor, why...?'

DOCTOR:
Call it back! We have a hazardous and undefined contagion on board. This base is now under quarantine. (ends call)

BENNETT:
What did you do that for?

DOCTOR:
None of us sent the message, did we? So that means the ghosts sent it, which means they want that crew down here.

CASS:
*Why would they do that?*

DOCTOR:
I don't know, but I'm pretty certain it's not so they can all form a boy band. OK. We solve this on our own. The ghosts can only come out at night so they change the base's time settings. Why? What's different at night?

O’DONNELL:
It's mainly atmospheric. The lights are dim, the noise from the engines is muffled.

DOCTOR:
No, something... something else.

CASS:
*The diagnostic sweep. When the systems are checked, that stops at night to save power.*

DOCTOR:
What systems, specifically?

O’DONNELL:
Life support, the locks. They're electromagnetic. They have to be secured in case of flooding, so throughout the day, they're checked, one by one, every few seconds.

DOCTOR:
(sighs) The answer is in there somewhere, I can smell it. (stares at map of the base)

CLARA:
Doctor, what do we do?

DOCTOR:
(turns around) O'Donnell. (walks over to her) Excellent work, returning the base to day mode.

O’DONNELL:
(embarrassed) Shut up. It was nothing. (giggles) You really think so?

DOCTOR:
Now put it back into night mode.

O’DONNELL:
What?!

DOCTOR:
We know nothing. We don't know what they want. That's what's getting us killed. Well, I won't run. Not anymore. So, O'Donnell, kindly put the base back into night mode. We want to know what these ghosts are after? We ask them. We're going to do the impossible. We're going to capture a ghost.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

The lights turn off.

COMPUTER:
'Good evening. Entering night mode.'

INT. BASE, MESS

BENNETT nervously steps into the doorway. PRITCHARD is standing, half buried in the wall. MORAN is standing upside-down on the ceiling and the alien is standing out halfway up a wall.

BENNETT:
H-Hey, how's it going?

The “ghosts” move towards him and he runs away with a whimper.

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

CASS and O’DONNELL watch BENNETT on one of the many screen as the DOCTOR faces the map of the base.

O’DONNELL:
Bennett's got them moving, and Clara's in position.

DOCTOR: (into earpiece)
Clara, Bennett is going to run across the top of the T-junction to your right in about ten seconds.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

CLARA listens through her earpiece.

DOCTOR: (via earpiece)
Draw the ghosts towards you. Turn right, and then take second left.

CLARA sees BENNETT run past. As the ghosts pass her junction, she calls out.

CLARA:
Hey! Hey, ghosts. Down here! (runs)

The ghosts follow CLARA.

DOCTOR: (into earpiece)
Lunn, they're coming your way. Clara's going to duck down to her left. You've got to keep the ghosts going on the same route they're on now. Then, after about 50 yards on your left, there is a flood door. O'Donnell will close the door once you're through.

LUNN: (into earpiece)
I... I can hear them.

DOCTOR: (into earpiece)
Lunn, don't let them see where you go.

LUNN runs out from his hiding place. CLARA sees him and ducks to her left before the ghosts arrive.

LUNN:
Hey! Yeah, this way.

Instead of all of them following LUNN, the ghosts split up; PRITCHARD follows LUNN while the others continue after CLARA.

LUNN: (into earpiece)
We've got a problem!

O’DONNELL:
They've separated.

DOCTOR:
(walks over) What?

O’DONNELL:
Moran and the mole guy are going after Clara.

The DOCTOR hurries back to the map.

O’DONNELL: (via earpiece)
'Clara, look out. Two ghosts are still on your case. Right behind you.'

CLARA:
I'm beginning to think we should have let the ghosts in on the plan. (runs)

DOCTOR:
Clara, there's a flood door at the end of the corridor, around the corner to your right. We'll close it from here. Listen to me. You've got to get through that door before Moran and the other ghost see you.

CLARA makes it to the door.

CLARA:
Doctor...

DOCTOR:
Now, O'Donnell, fast as you can!

O’DONNELL hits a few switches and the door closes. CLARA presses up against it so they can’t see her through the window. LUNN is running down another corridor.

LUNN:
Guys, I'm nearly at my door. (ducks into doorway)

DOCTOR:
Now, Lunn, quickly.

O’DONNELL closes the door. PRITCHARD arrives just as the door is closing. LUNN presses against the wall.

LUNN:
It saw me. Oh, God. It saw me. It's coming through. It's coming through the door.

PRITCHARD enters, hands and then arms first. Those in the control room watch as PRITCHARD enters from the corridor.

O’DONNELL:
We don't have a camera in there.

CASS is ready to run out but the DOCTOR blocks her way.

DOCTOR:
No, no, Lunn. Lunn, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Lunn, what's happening?

LUNN backs away from an advancing PRITCHARD.

DOCTOR:
Lunn, can you hear me? Lunn? Lunn?

CASS runs to the screen to stare at the door. LUNN has his back to the wall and closes his eyes as PRITCHARD stops directly in front of him. LUNN begins to sink along the wall. PRITCHARD reaches for a spanner and holds it up, ready to hit a whimpering LUNN. The spanner falls to the floor and PRITCHARD exits the room.

DOCTOR:
'Can you hear me? Lunn, Lunn? Lunn, Lunn! 'What's happening? Lunn? 'Lunn? Can you hear me?'

LUNN sits on the floor, relieved and shocked that he is alive.

LUNN:
I'm OK.

O’DONNELL:
(turns so CASS can see her face) Cass, he's alive.

LUNN:
'It didn't hurt me. I'm OK.'

DOCTOR:
What? What's wrong with you? Why didn't it hurt you? Bennett, you're on again. Bennett, where are you?

O’DONNELL searched the cameras to find BENNETT.

O’DONNELL:
There. Oh, God, look.

DOCTOR:
Bennett, can you hear me? 'There are two ghosts just around the corner from you.'

BENNETT:
Yes, thanks, I'd noticed!

DOCTOR:
The Faraday cage is across the intersection and down the corridor to your right. This last bit is down to you.

BENNETT waits for a moment before making a break for it. The two ghosts follow. As he turns a corner, PRITCHARD joins them.

BENNETT:
(walks backwards) OK, so, the good news is, they aren't split up any more. (turns and runs) Cue Clara!

BENNETT turns right as CLARA appears in the Faraday cage. The ghosts enter the room and walk right through CLARA. She is a hologram! The DOCTOR closes and locks the door behind them.

DOCTOR:
(puts on sunglasses) We need to talk. Sorry, chaps. Just a hologram. (the hologram disappears) You play a little bit too rough.

CLARA, BENNETT and LUNN return to the control room. CASS hugs LUNN and O’DONNELL punches BENNETT on the arm.

CLARA:
I'm fine, by the way, in case any of you were worried

DOCTOR:
Cass, are you seeing this?

O’DONNELL:
Sonic glasses Wi-Fi locked in. On screen B2.

LUNN:
She says she can't see them properly. The glass is too thick and they're too far away.

DOCTOR:
Open the door.

O’DONNELL:
What?

CLARA:
Doctor, you can't go in there, they will kill you!

DOCTOR:
They don't have any weapons or access to any of the controls. They can't hurt me, so open the door.

O’DONNELL unlocks the door and the DOCTOR enters.

INT. BASE, FARADAY CAGE

MORAN walks up to the DOCTOR, mouth moving. He then thrusts his hand into the DOCTOR’S torso. The DOCTOR groans.

DOCTOR:
(slowly) Cold… (normal) Isn't it? Take away your weapons and you're not so scary, are you? Is that better, Cass?

MORAN removes his hand. CASS reads their lips.

LUNN:
She says they're saying the same thing, the same phrase, over and over. They're saying "The dark. The score." No, "the sword." The... for sale? No, "the forsaken. The temple."

DOCTOR:
What?

LUNN:
Yes, she's sure. "The dark, the sword, the forsaken, the temple." Just that. Over and over.

We see a close-up of MORAN’S mouth.

DOCTOR:
Dark, sword, forsaken, temple. What does that mean? What are you telling me, big man? Bennett! I need maps. I think I just worked out what our friend here is telling us.

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

They are standing around a long table with maps spread out on it.

DOCTOR:
They're coordinates.

BENNETT:
How can they be coordinates?

DOCTOR:
The dark? Space. So, whoever's following the coordinates knows they're going to another planet. The sword?

The DOCTOR hands out an apple to BENNETT, a knobby ball to O'DONNELL, a table tennis ball to CLARA’S left hand and a Vector Petroleum coaster to her right, and makes them hold them up in a diagonal line.

DOCTOR:
Orion's sword. The sword, the three stars, although one isn't actually a star but the Orion Nebula, hanging down from Orion's belt. But if viewed from back here, the Earth becomes the fourth bit of the sword. So, narrowed it down to a planet now. Getting closer!

The DOCTOR takes the items back and puts them on the table.

DOCTOR:
The forsaken. The forsaken or abandoned or empty town. See, it's a location, beaming out to someone or something across the universe, over and over. And every time they kill one of us...

CLARA:
It strengthens the signal. Another ghost, another transmitter.

O’DONNELL:
Which is why they sent for that rescue sub.

DOCTOR:
Get more people down here, kill them, make even more ghosts to beam out the coordinates.

CASS:
*But why are they beaming out the coordinates? Is it a distress call?*

DOCTOR:
It could be. Or a warning. Might even be a call to arms. It could mean, "Come here, they're vulnerable, help yourself." Wait a minute, though. Wait a minute. You know what this means? It means that they're not a natural phenomenon. It means that someone is deliberately getting people killed, hijacking their souls and turning them into transmitters.

O’DONNELL:
What do the coordinates lead TO, though? To us? To the ghosts? What?

DOCTOR:
Ah! What the coordinates are for. That is part of the answer to the other question you're all thinking. (no one answers) Really? Come on. None of you? Surely just being around me makes you cleverer by osmosis? What is the other question?

CASS:
*The temple. The fourth part of the directions. What's the temple?*

DOCTOR:
Finally. It's like pulling teeth. (points at an aerial photo) This is the flooded military town. Shops, houses, town square, and this. (points to a building)

CLARA:
A church?

DOCTOR:
Whatever the coordinates are for, it's in that church. Find that and you're a hop, skip and a jump to stopping them.

BENNETT:
Wait, you're not suggesting that...? But we're safe now. The ghosts are in the cage, we can get out of here.

DOCTOR:
No-one has to stay. In fact, I would prefer it if you went. You'll all get in the way and ask ridiculous questions. But, you know, YOU have chosen to protect and serve. YOU have given yourself to science and the pursuit of knowledge. None of you have chosen anonymous or selfish lives. Go, and a part of you will always wonder, "What would have happened if I'd stayed? How could I have helped? What would I have learned?" I want you to go. But you should know what it is that you're leaving.

CASS signs.

LUNN:
Cass says we should go, but everything that happens here is her responsibility now, so she's going to stay. So I, uh... guess I should too.

O’DONNELL:
Well, count me in. Who wants to live forever, anyway?

BENNETT:
Sorry, um, have you gone insane? We can go home.

O’DONNELL shrugs. Nobody says anything.

BENNETT:
They're ghosts, though. How can they be ghosts? Well, at least if I die, you know I really will come back and haunt you all.

Later, BENNETT is controlling a drone submarine with virtual goggles and remote controls on his hands. The others are watching his progress on one of the screens.

BENNETT:
OK, the sub is approaching the town square. Which way is the church?

O’DONNELL:
North-north-west, 150 yards. That's it. Starboard two degrees.

CLARA:
What are we looking for, exactly?

DOCTOR:
Something that has the power to raise the dead and turn them into transmitters. I expect we'll know it when we see it.

BENNETT:
Wait, I've found the church.

DOCTOR:
That's it, keep going.

The drone continues forward and the DOCTOR watches the screen closely.

DOCTOR:
Wait! What's that? Move closer.

It looks like a large white box.

INT. BASE, HANGAR

They have brought the box onboard. They stand there looking at it.

DOCTOR:
It's the suspended-animation chamber from the spaceship.

CLARA:
So the pilot could be in there.

DOCTOR:
(kneels) There's SOMETHING inside there. But it's deadlock sealed, I can't open it. It should be the pilot, it should be. So why do I think it isn't? More questions. Everything I solve, just more questions. (stands) I have to go back to the beginning. We arrive, we see the ghosts. They don't kill us. They lead us here, they show us the spaceship. THEN they try to kill us.

The DOCTOR climbs the stairs into the ship and looks at the symbols on the wall.

DOCTOR:
Not translated by the Tardis. Why?

The DOCTOR cleans his sonic specs, puts them on and looks at the symbols. He takes them off before heading back out.

DOCTOR:
Lunn, translate for me. Whenever I step outside, you (points at CASS) are the smartest person in the room. So, tell me, what's weird about this? I know that it's all bonkers but, you know, when YOU think about it, one thing keeps snagging in your mind. What is it?

CASS:
*The markings on the inside of the spaceship.*

DOCTOR:
The markings on the inside of the spaceship. Yes! (stands on the steps) Why?

CASS:
*I don't think they're just words.*

DOCTOR:
They're not. They're magnets.

BENNETT:
Magnets? How?

DOCTOR:
Well, a localised and manufactured electromagnetic field, to be precise. The dark. The sword. The forsaken. The temple. When we heard the coordinates for the first time, did anyone expect them not to be that? No, exactly. Me neither. It's like we already knew, somehow. Like the words were already in us.

O’DONNELL:
So that writing IS the coordinates?

DOCTOR:
(goes down the stairs) Everything we see or experience shapes us in some way. But these words actually rewrite the synaptic connections in your brain. They literally change the way you are wired. Clara, why don't I have a radio in the TARDIS?

CLARA:
You took it apart and used the pieces to make a clockwork squirrel.

DOCTOR:
AND because whatever song I heard first thing in the morning, I was stuck with. Two weeks of Mysterious Girl by Peter Andre. I was begging for the brush of Death's merciful hand. Don't you see? These words are an earworm. A song you can't stop humming, even after you die.

CLARA:
OK, so the spaceship lands here. The pilot leaves the writing on the wall so whoever sees it, when they die, they become a beacon of the coordinates, while he/she/it snoozes in the suspended-animation chamber…

DOCTOR:
Waiting for his/her/its mates to pick the message up. My God. Every time I think it couldn't get more extraordinary, it surprises me. It's impossible. I hate it. It's evil. It's astonishing. I want to kiss it to death.

The alarm blares.

COMPUTER:
'Attention, all crew. Evacuate base immediately. Emergency protocols have been initiated. This safety message was brought to you by Vector Petroleum. Fuel for our futures.'

O’DONNELL runs over to one of the computer pads and pulls up a schematic of the base.

O’DONNELL:
Oh, no. The ghosts tampering with the day-night settings has caused a computer malfunction. Its... its first priority is to keep the reactor cool, so it's opening the hull doors and it's flooding the base.

Water begins rushing into the corridors. CASS signs quickly.

LUNN:
Cass says, close the internal flood doors. That'll contain the water in the central corridor.

DOCTOR:
Where's the TARDIS?

O’DONNELL:
On the other side.

DOCTOR:
We need to get there. It's our only way out.

O’DONNELL:
OK. We've got 30 seconds before the flood doors close.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

O’DONNELL opens the flood door and runs into the corridor followed by the DOCTOR and BENNETT. CLARA stops to urge on LUNN and CASS.

CLARA:
Come on!

That delay cost them as the door closes between the first three and the second three.

CLARA:
Doctor!

The DOCTOR stops and goes back to her door. He looks over his shoulder and sees the other door closing and dives underneath before it slams shut. He stands up and activates the intercom. CLARA opens the intercom on their side. The DOCTOR then looks through the window as he speaks.

DOCTOR:
I'll get you and the others out. Sit tight, I'll come back for you.

CLARA:
Just come over here in the TARDIS now.

DOCTOR:
The TARDIS won't go there, it won't go near the ghosts. (turns away from the door)

CLARA:
You can't just leave us!

The water has reached the bottom of the windows.

DOCTOR:
Listen to me. I'm going back in time to when this spaceship landed. If I can understand why this is happening, I can stop them killing anyone else. I can save you. You trust me, don't you, Clara?

The water has covered the windows. They look at each other and CLARA nods.

BENNETT:
Wait, you're going to go back in time? How do you do that?

The DOCTOR, BENNETT and O’DONNELL hurry on down the corridor.

DOCTOR:
Extremely well.

INT. BASE, MESS

CLARA, CASS and LUNN enter the room.

LUNN:
You're sure they're not going to hurt us?

CLARA:
They can't get out of the Faraday cage. (looks out the window)

INT. TARDIS

The DOCTOR sets the TARDIS into motion.

DOCTOR:
Back to before the flood.

The TARDIS dematerializes.

INT. BASE, MESS

CASS:
*And you're sure the Doctor won't just leave us here?*

CLARA:
Guys, look, this is how we roll. He's going to go away, come back and we'll have to listen to how he did it.

LUNN stops signing and looks ahead out the window. CLARA turns and watches as a figure seems to walk across the bottom of the lake.

LUNN:
Is it Moran or Pritchard or the mole guy? How... how did they get out?

CLARA:
No, I don't think it's any of them. I think it's... a new ghost.

LUNN:
What does that mean?

CLARA:
It means that something happened in the past, it means that somebody else must have... Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.

The new ghost is the DOCTOR!

My tweets

jpgr — Fri, 03 Apr 2020 16:00:53 GMT

Thu, 15:12: Ok just started #CaptainJackHarkness
Thu, 15:22: Bilis is probably the creepiest bad guy #CaptainJackHarkness
Thu, 15:23: Got Matt Rippy’s autograph when he was with Reduced Shakespeare Company
Thu, 15:25: This shows them all working their strengths #Torchwood #CaptainJackHarkness
Thu, 15:30: I remember gasping when Bilis showed up in the present with Gwen #CaptainJackHarkness #Torchwood
Thu, 15:40: Ooh, insight to Jack’s past #CaptainJackHarkness #Torchwood
Thu, 15:52: Aww https://t.co/mUgdc9zDxi

My tweets

jpgr — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 16:00:51 GMT

Sun, 23:26: Transcript: 9x02 The Witch's Familiar https://t.co/LkQwP0RaAn

Transcript: 9x02 The Witch's Familiar

jpgr — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 03:26:35 GMT

Wow! A week!

Recap of part 1

EXT. ??

The landscape spins but something seems odd. We then see that CLARA is hanging upside-down.

MISSY:
Consider the Doctor. The Doctor, trapped. (sharpens a wooden stake with a knife) The Doctor, alone. You all right there, dear?

CLARA:
Where are we? How did we...?

We see that they are outside the city on Skaro and CLARA is hanging from an outcropping of rock by rope.

MISSY:
Shh, now -- Mummy's talking. OK, I'm going to tell you a story of the Doctor. It's classic. On the run, no Tardis. No friends, no help. In other words, the Doctor, happy. It was a long time ago.

???

It switches to black and white. There are large columns and a person who appears to be the Fourth Doctor dodges behind a column. In the next break, it’s the First, then the Twelfth. As this scene plays out, MISSY talks.

MISSY: (v.o.)
Doesn't matter which face he was wearing, they're all the Doctor to me. So let's give it to the eyebrows.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

EXT. SKARO

CLARA:
But, the Daleks...

MISSY:
Yes, I'm coming to that.

CLARA:
Shouldn't we be, um...? I don't want to say dead.

MISSY:
Hush! (v.o.) He's travelling by teleporter. Unfortunately, his teleporter is out of power. Also unfortunate, he's being stalked by, oh, say about 50 android assassins? (on-screen) I may be rounding up. (pricks finger on stake) Ow! (v.o.) 50 invisible, indestructible android assassins, all exclusively programmed to kill him.

CLARA:
Why are you sharpening that stick?

MISSY:
Well, I've no idea how long we're going to be stuck out here. Might have to go hunting.

CLARA:
So why am I tied up?

MISSY:
In case there's nothing to hunt. (winks)

We return to MISSY’S story.

MISSY: (v.o.)
The Doctor, then. Surrounded. Outnumbered. Outgunned. And freeze. Nanoseconds to live. Four, I'd say, being generous.

Back on Skaro…

MISSY:
(stands) Now, my question is this: how did he survive? (walks to CLARA) Oh, come on, Clara! You know him. Consider the Doctor.

CLARA:
(pictures the situation) Where did he get that teleport thingy?

MISSY:
Oh, good, good. He stole one from an android.

CLARA:
So, I'm guessing he uses the same energy as the android weapons, right?

MISSY:
Excellent! Not seeing you as sandwiches now.

CLARA:
OK, then! He uses the energy wave from the android weapons to recharge the teleport bracelet and at the exact moment he's supposed to disintegrate, he actually teleports! Hang on -- that's how you did it. That's how we escaped the Daleks.

MISSY:
I modified the same principle for our vortex manipulators, yes. Blew them off, I'm afraid. But the Doctor, he improvised it. He must have got through several thousand calculations in the time it takes to fire up a disintegrator. Seriously, what a swot!

CLARA:
So the androids think he's dead and the Doctor escapes.

The DOCTOR in the story falls.

MISSY:
No, he's the Doctor. He fell into a nest of vampire monkeys.

The monkeys screech.

MISSY:
But that's another story!

MISSY releases CLARA who falls to the ground.

MISSY:
Why does the Doctor always survive?

CLARA:
Because he's clever.

MISSY:
Yes, but there's lots of clever dead people. I love killing clever clogs, they make the best faces.

CLARA:
(stands) Because he always assumes he's going to win. He always knows there's a way to survive. He just has to go and find it.

MISSY:
Yes, except this time, he made a will and threw himself a goodbye party. Now, if the Doctor assumes he's going to die, what happens then?

CLARA:
We do.

They turn to face the city.

MISSY:
He's trapped at the heart of the Dalek empire. He's a prisoner of the creatures who hate him most in the universe. Between us and him is everything the deadliest race in all of history can throw at us. We, on the other hand, have a pointy stick. How do we start?

CLARA:
We assume we're going to win.

MISSY:
Oh. Pity, really. I was actually quite peckish. (starts walking)

CLARA:
(catches up) Can I have a stick, too?

MISSY:
Make your own stick.

**********************************************************************

Peter Capaldi
Jenna Coleman

DOCTOR WHO
“The Witch’s Familiar”
By
Steven Moffat

PRODUCER
Peter Bennett

DIRECTOR
Hettie MacDonald

**********************************************************************

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

The DOCTOR is panicked thinking CLARA and MISSY are dead and he is stuck in the middle of SKARO surrounded by Daleks.

DAVROS:
It took me so long to realise it was you, standing at the gates of my beginning. And here you are at the end.

The DOCTOR stops at a table of Dalek guns.

DAVROS:
But this time, I have you at my mercy. Exterminate.

The DOCTOR puts a gun to the back of DAVROS’ head.

DAVROS:
Doctor?

The DOCTOR backs away and moves around to face him.

DAVROS:
Ancient. Inoperable.

The DOCTOR fires and nothing happens.

DOCTOR:
Genius.

DAVROS:
You would threaten a dying man? Have I not suffered enough?

DOCTOR:
Get out.

DAVROS:
I cannot leave this chamber. It sustains me.

DOCTOR:
(forcefully) Get out!

INT. CONTROL ROOM

DAVROS’ room is being monitored.

DALEK:
Alert! Alert! The infirmary is breached.

DALEK SUPREME:
Protect Davros. Davros must be assisted.

DALEK:
Davros is leaving the infirmary.

DALEK SUPREME:
Davros must remain. Davros cannot leave.

DAVROS: (v.o.)
My children! Help me!

DALEK SUPREME:
You must return to the infirmary.

DAVROS: (v.o.)
The Doctor is escaping. Find him. Find the Doctor.

DALEK SUPREME:
Find the Doctor! Seek, locate, destroy!

DALEKS:
Seek, locate, destroy. Seek, locate...

EXT. SKARO CITY

Daleks take to the sky searching for the DOCTOR.

INT. SKARO CITY

Daleks search the city for the DOCTOR.

EXT. SKARO CITY

CLARA and MISSY see all the activity.

CLARA:
What's happening?

MISSY:
What do you think?

CLARA:
He's in the middle of that?

MISSY:
(sees something behind them) Ah, that's what we need! (goes to get it)

CLARA watches the city.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

The dot on the screen representing DAVROS gets closer to the control room.

DAVROS: (v.o.)
Assist me!

DALEK:
Davros approaches.

DALEK SUPREME:
Admit Davros! Admit the creator.

DAVROS: (v.o.)
Help me!

The door to the control room begins to slide open.

DALEK SUPREME:
Assist Davros! Assist!

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

The Daleks searching for the DOCTOR find DAVROS lying on the floor.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

When the door opens completely, we see it is the DOCTOR sitting in DAVROS’ chair. He glides the chair into the room.

DOCTOR:
Admit it. You've all had this exact nightmare.

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

We see that DAVROS has no lower half to his body. At the waist we see the wires that connected him to the chair and his life support.

DAVROS:
Get... me... Sarff!

SARFF:
I am here.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

The DOCTOR swirls the chair so he’s in the center of the room.

DOCTOR:
So! Anyone for dodgems?

DALEK SUPREME:
Exterminate!

DALEKS:
Exterminate! Exterminate!

The Daleks fire at the DOCTOR and a bright light covers the room.

INT. CAVE

CLARA:
Daleks have sewers?

MISSY:
With one significant difference.

CLARA:
Being?

MISSY:
They're ever so slightly alive.

CLARA:
They're what?

MISSY:
How much of a drop would you say that is? Can you see the bottom?

CLARA:
Too dark. (bends over for a better look) We could chuck a stone down, or something.

MISSY:
Oh, yeah, good idea.

MISSY pushes CLARA who falls into the hole with a scream before landing with a thud.

MISSY:
20 feet.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

The DOCTOR slurps a cup of tea.

DOCTOR:
Of course, the real question is where did I get the cup of tea? Answer? I'm the Doctor. Just accept it.

DALEK SUPREME:
You are unharmed.

DOCTOR:
(spins) Proposition. Davros is an insane, paranoid genius who has survived among several billion trigger-happy mini-tanks for centuries. Conclusion? I'm definitely having his chair.

DALEK SUPREME:
You cannot escape, Doctor.

DOCTOR:
(aims Dalek gun) I'm guessing his personal force-field only works in one direction.

DALEK SUPREME:
The Doctor does not use weapons.

DOCTOR:
Doesn't he? Ah, listen to your little hearts beat!

CLARA pushes herself up off the ground. She looks up to see MISSY looking down at her.

MISSY:
Hello.

CLARA grabs the pointed stick and stands, holding it out towards MISSY.

MISSY:
Oh, poppet! Do you really think you could?

CLARA:
First chance I get.

MISSY:
You won't survive down here on your own.

CLARA:
You won't survive turning your back.

MISSY:
Ooh. How exciting.

MISSY turns her back and waits. CLARA can’t do it.

MISSY:
God, you're dull.

MISSY turns around and grabs the stick from CLARA’S hand.

MISSY:
In future, if you're going to take my stick, do me the courtesy of actually killing me. Team-work is all about respect.

CLARA:
We're not a team.

MISSY:
Of course we are. Every miner needs a canary. Now, hush, look around. Bit of a mess, isn't it?

CLARA:
You said it was a sewer.

MISSY:
Daleks don't generate much in the way of waste. (pokes the walls with the stick)

CLARA:
So what is it all, then?

MISSY:
Decaying Daleks. Daleks can't die. Genetically hard-wired to keep on living, whatever happens. Well... But they still age, poor loves. Over time, the body breaks down, rots, liquefies. Interestingly, the Dalek word for sewer is the same as their word... for graveyard.

MISSY jabs the stick into the wall and the Dalek shrieks. The cry is picked up by other remnants and it echoes.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

The DOCTOR holds the gun.

DOCTOR:
Ask me what I want.

DALEK SUPREME:
Irrelevant. You will not prevail. You will not succeed.

DOCTOR:
I've been at the heart of your empire for 42 minutes, and I own it, and I haven't even got out of my chair. Ask me what I want.

DALEK SUPREME:
What do you want?

DOCTOR:
Clara Oswald.

EXT. SKARO

The DOCTOR’S voice carries over the city.

DOCTOR:
I want Clara Oswald, safe, alive and returned to me, immediately.

INT. SEWERS

MISSY and CLARA hear him

DOCTOR:
You bring her back, you do that. You do that now. Unharmed...'

INT. CONTROL ROOM

DOCTOR:
Unhurt... alive.

DALEK SUPREME:
Your associate...

DOCTOR:
I saw what happened. I was there. And I'm hoping, for all of our sakes, that it was a trick.

DALEK SUPREME:
It was not a deception.

DOCTOR:
Because if Clara Oswald is really dead then you'd better be very, very careful how you tell me.

INT. SEWERS

MISSY:
Listen to that. The Doctor without hope.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. CONTROL ROOM

DOCTOR:
'Who's going to tell me?' Who's going to go first?

MISSY:
Nobody is safe now.

DOCTOR:
'All the power Davros had is mine.' Everything he had, I have. 'Who is going to tell me that Clara Oswald is really dead?'

MISSY:
He'll burn everything. Us too.

DALEK SUPREME:
Clara Oswald is not alive.

The DOCTOR is stunned. Before he can do anything, DAVROS appears on one of the monitors.

DAVROS:
Doctor, this urge for conquest... It is gratifying to see you learn.

DOCTOR:
Davros. You're up. Sorry, this seat's taken.

DAVROS:
Indeed. But not by you.

Snakes appear and wrap themselves around his wrists and neck. Soon they are around his body.

DAVROS:
You've met my head of personal security, I think. Colony Sarff. His agents are everywhere.

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

DAVROS is on the floor.

DAVROS:
Are you ready?

SARFF:
Of course.

DAVROS:
Be subtle, Colony Sarff -- tonight, we entrap a Time Lord.

SARFF uncoils.

INT. SEWERS

CLARA and MISSY near the end of the tunnel. There is a door at the end with what seems to be lit windows.

CLARA:
What is that? A lift?

MISSY:
What? Never mind the lift. See that thing on the wall?

CLARA:
What about it?

MISSY:
Take a look!

CLARA:
What is it?

MISSY:
Closer.

CLARA stands in front of the circular device on the wall and stares at it.

CLARA:
What am I even looking for?

MISSY:
Nothing. I'm giving it a good look at you.

DALEK: (v.o.)
Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

CLARA:
(ducks out of the way) Why the hell did you do that?

MISSY:
Ever ring a doorbell and run away?

DALEK: (v.o.)
Humanoid detected in lower level.

MISSY:
(handcuffs CLARA to the device) Not this time.

DALEK: (v.o.)
Dalek to Lower Level 13.

CLARA:
What the hell did you do that for?

MISSY:
We need to trap and kill a Dalek. You're the bait, I'm the hook.

CLARA tugs on the cuffs.

MISSY:
(removes her brooch and holds it up) Dark star alloy. Goes through armour plating like a knife through people.

CLARA:
Missy. Missy. Missy, uncuff me -- now!

MISSY:
It's pretty, though, isn't it? Got it in the olden days on Gallifrey. The Doctor gave it to me when my daughter...

MISSY stops when she hears the lift. She backs into an alcove.

MISSY:
Keep it talking. We need to draw it out of the lift.

CLARA:
You can't kill a Dalek with a brooch!

MISSY:
Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

The Dalek glides down the tunnel.

DALEK:
Humanoid detected. Remain still. Do not move. Scan in progress. Humanoid unauthorised in restricted area. Sterilisation proceeding.

MISSY:
Hey, you! Guess what? I just put a hole in you.

MISSY pricks the Dalek's 'globes' and steam comes out.

MISSY:
And another and another and another!

CLARA:
What are you doing?

MISSY:
Murdering a Dalek. I'm a Time Lady, it's our golf.

DALEK:
Damage levels insignificant.

MISSY:
Oh, really? I think you're forgetting you're surrounded by a bunch of very old, very angry Daleks.

The Daleks in the walls screech.

MISSY:
(bad American accent) You just got yourself a puncture in a bad neighbourhood. Meet the locals? All blind and squelchy and out of their tiny minds, but they can still smell! Nobody hates like a Dalek. Here they come! (sludge moves along the floor towards the Dalek) I think they want to steal your motor.

The Dalek “material” enters the casing and then oozes out the top.

DALEK:
Emergency! Emergency! My vision is impaired! Exterminate! Exterminate!

MISSY:
Oh, here comes the older generation!

The Dalek begins to fire wildly. MISSY unlocks CLARA.

MISSY:
Those young folks today are so tetchy!

MISSY pulls CLARA out of the way and pins her against a wall.

DALEK:
Emergency! Emergency! (explodes)

MISSY:
Wheeeeeee!

Smoke fills the tunnel.

EXT. BATTLEFIELD

The smoke clears to show us YOUNG DAVROS surrounded by hand-mines.

YOUNG DAVROS:
Help me! You can't leave me. You promised -- you did! You said I could survive. You said you'd help me. Help me!

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

The DOCTOR regains consciousness. He looks towards the window and sees DAVROS is back in his chair.

DAVROS:
I hope you are grateful. It wasn't easy to procure. And very nearly unique, of course. You should feel privileged. The only other chair on Skaro.

The DOCTOR realizes he is sitting on a chair.

DAVROS:
Don't get up.

DOCTOR:
You neither. (gets up and heads straight for the door)

DAVROS:
(moves to the center of the room) The chamber is sealed. And I believe you are not carrying your sonic device.

DOCTOR:
(steps away from the door) Gave it up. Bad memories.

DAVROS:
I am dying, Doctor.

DOCTOR:
(walks over to DAVROS) You keep saying that, you keep not dying. Can you give it some welly? Come on.

DAVROS:
And it is time for us to conclude our business together.

DOCTOR:
(scoffs) We have no business.

DAVROS:
We have nothing but. Look again at the cables, Doctor. Understand what they are. What they can do. Just step a little closer.

INT. SEWERS

,I.MISSY opens the lid of the Dalek and scoops out the remains of the mutant Kaled within it.

MISSY:
Get in.

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

DOCTOR:
They don't have much respect for you, do they? Your kids. Have you seen the state of this place? (runs finger over a surface) I mean, this is exactly where you dump a smelly old uncle/ family pet/genius scientist who couldn't even invent legs. Seriously, how do your boys take it when everybody else has got two eyes?

DAVROS:
You know what it is, of course.

DOCTOR:
Oh, yes -- it's a hyperspace relay, with some kind of genetic component.

DAVROS:
I am connected to the life force of every Dalek on this planet. It is what has kept me alive. As their hearts beat, so does mine.

DOCTOR:
Ooh... Nice. Vampiring off your own creations, just to eke out your days. I'm surprised the Daleks allow it.

DAVROS:
Oh, they have no choice. My Daleks are afflicted with a genetic defect.

DOCTOR:
What defect?

DAVROS:
Respect. Mercy for their father. Design flaws I was unable to eliminate.

The DOCTOR looks at the cables in understanding.

DAVROS:
And now he sees it. Now he understands. The cables, Doctor! Touch them. Imagine -- to hold in your hand the heartbeat of every Dalek on Skaro. They send me life. Is it beyond the wit of a Time Lord to send them death? A little work and it could be done.

DOCTOR:
Uh, why would you be telling me this?

DAVROS:
Genocide in a moment. Such slaughter, not in self-defence. Not as a simple act of war. Genocide as a choice. (glides towards the DOCTOR) Are you ready, Doctor? So many backs with a single knife.

The DOCTOR backs away from the cables. DAVROS takes the DOCTOR’S hand and lifts it towards the cables.

DAVROS:
Are you ready to be a god?

The DOCTOR steps closer and reaches a hand close to the cables but pulls it back.

DAVROS:
Why do you hesitate? No-one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of the Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

DOCTOR:
There's no such thing as the Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you're sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard, I'm not some old Time Lord who ran away. I'm the Doctor.

DAVROS:
Compassion then.

DOCTOR:
Always.

DAVROS:
It grows strong and fierce in you, like a cancer.

DOCTOR:
I hope so.

DAVROS:
It will kill you in the end.

DOCTOR:
I wouldn't die of anything else.

DAVROS:
You may rely on it.

INT. SEWERS

CLARA is seated inside the Dalek casing and MISSY is fixing cables to her temples.

CLARA:
How am I supposed to make it go? Are there pedals?

MISSY:
Telepathic control. Open wide!

CLARA opens her mouth wide.

MISSY:
I meant your skull. Never mind... (jabs the connections into CLARA’S head)

CLARA:
Ow!

MISSY:
Shh, shh, now, don't worry.

CLARA:
Ow.

MISSY:
There's loads of nano-tech repairing any damage as the feed goes in.

CLARA:
What about when it comes out?

MISSY:
No idea, nobody knows. Anyway, to control the unit, you just have to think. Novel idea for you, but let's try it. Move forwards.

CLARA:
I don't know how to...

It moves forward and CLARA gasps.

MISSY:
You see?

CLARA:
Oh! How did I do that?

MISSY:
Circle right.

CLARA:
I can't...

It turns right.

MISSY:
Circle left.

It goes left.

MISSY:
There you go. All right, this won't hurt a bit.

MISSY presses a button and the casing begins to close.

CLARA:
Hang on -- no, Missy... No, no, no, no! No, Missy. Missy, no, no, no, please don't! Don't -- don't, please!

The unit clangs shut.

MISSY:
(peers inti the eyestalk) Are you OK?

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. DALEK

CLARA:
Fine, I think.

Outside, MISSY hears the reply in a Dalek voice. CLARA hears it as well and needs to test she heard it correctly.

CLARA:
OK. That's a bit weird.

MISSY laughs.

MISSY:
Just a bit! OK. All right. Shh -- say your name.

CLARA:
Why?

MISSY:
Just... just say. Just say it.

CLARA:
Clara.

That’s not what MISSY hears.

DALEK:
Dalek.

MISSY:
Say it again.

CLARA:
Clara Oswald.

DALEK:
Dalek. Dalek.

MISSY:
One more time!

CLARA:
(frustrated) I am Clara Oswald! I'm Clara Oswald!

DALEK:
I am a Dalek! I am a Dalek! I am a Dalek! I am a Dalek!

MISSY laughs. CLARA accidentally fires and MISSY gets out of the way. CLARA is shocked by what she did.

MISSY:
Whoa! Just... don't get emotional. Emotion fires the gun. OK?

CLARA:
I don't understand.

DALEK:
I do not understand.

MISSY:
Say..."I love you." Those exact words -- don't ask me why, just say it.

CLARA:
I love you.

DALEK:
Exterminate.

MISSY:
(laughs) Say, "You are different from me."

CLARA:
You are different from me.

DALEK:
Exterminate! Exterminate!

MISSY:
Say, "Ex-ter-min-ate!"

CLARA:
Exterminate!

DALEK:
Exterminate!

MISSY laughs as the Dalek fires and continues to say “Exterminate”.

MISSY:
Cybermen suppress emotion. Daleks channel it... through a gun. That's why they keep yelling, "Exterminate." It's how they reload. So, let's go and kill them. Come on.

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

DAVROS:
There is a question, Doctor. One I have longed to ask.

DOCTOR:
Yeah, well, if you're going to put your hand on my knee, it isn't going to go well.

DAVROS:
Why did you leave Gallifrey?

DOCTOR:
Well, because I did.

DAVROS:
You stole the Tardis, and ran and ran. Why?

DOCTOR:
It's a boring place, Gallifrey. I was going out of my mind.

DAVROS:
Yet you long to return.

DOCTOR:
Ah, well, I'm inconsistent.

DAVROS:
But it is always the same lie.

DOCTOR:
What lie?

DAVROS:
You weren't bored. No-one runs the way you have run for so small a reason.

DOCTOR:
I do.

DAVROS:
No, you don't. Colony Sarff confiscated these items on your arrival. (wheels closer) A Time Lord confession dial, I believe. Your confession. Tell me. Send me to my grave with this precious knowledge. What IS the Doctor's confession? (reaches for the dial)

DOCTOR:
Don't you dare!

DAVROS:
(hand stops) Is it possible I have touched a nerve?

DOCTOR:
Some things matter to me, Davros. Not many, but a few. And you don't put your fingers anywhere near them. (grabs glasses) And they'd better not be scratched. These are my best ones. (puts them on)

DAVROS:
Still you play the fool.

DOCTOR:
Well, by now that should make you nervous.

INT. HALLWAY

DALEK:
Halt!

MISSY puts her hands up. CLARA in the Dalek casing is behind her.

DALEK:
Report.

CLARA: (as Dalek)
Humanoid intruder found on lower levels.

DALEK:
Why has the intruder not been exterminated? Explain! Explain! Explain!

CLARA hesitates.

MISSY:
I'm a prisoner of special significance. Count the hearts.

DALEK:
You are a Time Lord?

MISSY:
Time Lady, thank you. (puts hands down) Some of us can afford the upgrade. (leans against wall, one hand on hip) Is it still the same old Supreme Dalek these days? I fought him once on the slopes of the Never Vault. Tell him the bitch is back.

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

DAVROS:
Make your confession, Doctor. Why did you really leave Gallifrey?

DOCTOR:
How long has it been, you and I?

DAVROS:
Long enough. Galaxies have burned.

DOCTOR:
And now you ask me a personal question?

DAVROS:
You have slaughtered billions of my children, as I have slaughtered billions of your race. We have exhausted the conventional means of communication.

DOCTOR:
(yanks off glasses and stares at DAVROS) My people are alive. They didn't die. I brought them back. I found a way.

DAVROS:
Is this true?

DOCTOR:
Gallifrey is back in the sky. I don't know where, I may never know, but Gallifrey is back and it is safe from both of us.

DAVROS:
Doctor, my most sincere congratulations.

DOCTOR:
I'm sorry?

DAVROS:
This is wonderful news. Beyond all hope! I congratulate you.

DOCTOR:
Why are you saying that?

DAVROS:
A man should have a race. A people. An allegiance. A man should belong, Doctor. Believe me, please! I am happy for you. So happy.

DOCTOR:
I don't... I don't understand this. Why...? (breaks off as he looks at DAVROS)

DAVROS:
Come closer again. Let me see your face.

DOCTOR:
You've seen it often enough.

DAVROS:
Let me see it again with my own eyes.

The blue light on DAVROS’ forehead goes dark. The DOCTOR moves closer. With labor breathing, DAVROS opens his true eyes.

DAVROS:
Closer. Please.

The DOCTOR kneels in front of DAVROS and looks into his eyes.

DAVROS:
If you have redeemed the Time Lords from the fire, do not lose them again. Take the darkest path into the deepest hell but protect your own as I have sought to protect mine. Did I do right, Doctor? Tell me. Was I right? I need to know before the end. Am I a good man?

DOCTOR:
You really are dying, aren't you?

DAVROS:
Look at me. Did you doubt it?

DOCTOR:
Yes.

DAVROS:
Then we have established one thing only.

DOCTOR:
What?

DAVROS:
You are not a good doctor.

After a moment, the Doctor starts to laugh and DAVROS chuckles. The latter then has trouble breathing.

DAVROS:
Pity. I had hoped to see the sun one last time with the eyes of my true self.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

MISSY waltzes in with Dalek CLARA behind her.

MISSY:
Oh, hello! Look at you all, with your nice, shiny domes. Oh! I am loving this. (sits on dais) (to DALEK SUPREME) You're my secret favourite. Don't tell the others.

DALEK SUPREME:
You are an enemy of the Daleks.

MISSY:
Yes, well, anyone who's not a Dalek is an enemy of the Daleks, so that was an easy guess.

DALEK SUPREME:
You will be exterminated.

MISSY:
Please. Please do, because I have been on my feet all day. (stands) But before you get all exterminate-y -- two things. One, I want to see Davros. Two, I have a lovely little gift for you all, if you take me to him right now.

DALEK SUPREME:
We do not negotiate.

MISSY:
Clara Oswald. I brought you complete control of the Doctor, giftwrapped. Better -- canned.

Inside the Dalek, CLARA knows she’s in trouble.

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

DAVROS is positioned by the window so he can see the sun rise. Light is just beginning to appear on the horizon.

DAVROS:
It is beautiful, my world, is it not?

DOCTOR:
How did you get it back?

As DAVROS is looking outside, the DOCTOR is working with the wires.

DAVROS:
The Daleks remade it. Like you, they have a strong concept of home.

DOCTOR:
No, like you. Everything you are, they are. (attaches wires to the chair)

DAVROS:
Like both of us, perhaps. How far we have come, to go home again.

DOCTOR:
I'm trying to pep this up, but you've been going a long time. Every Dalek on Skaro isn't enough anymore.

DAVROS:
It is so good of you to help me.

DOCTOR:
I'm not helping you. I'm helping a little boy I abandoned on a battlefield. I think I owe him a sunrise.

The sun appears over a peak.

DOCTOR:
Come on, chin up.

DAVROS moans softly.

DOCTOR:
Any minute now...

DAVROS:
I have always admired you, Doctor.

DOCTOR:
Here it comes.

DAVROS:
I wish just once we had been on the same side.

DOCTOR:
(leans over) Look, the sun's coming up. We're on the same side now.

DAVROS:
I regret I cannot open my eyes. (gasps)

DOCTOR:
(leans in closer) OK. Don't ever tell anyone that I did this.

The DOCTOR shakes his right hand and it soon begins to glow.

DOCTOR:
A little bit of regeneration energy. Probably cost me an arm or a leg somewhere down the line. Or I'll just be really little.

The DOCTOR goes back into the space where DAVROS was surrounded by the wires. As the DOCTOR takes one in his hand, DAVROS chuckles.

DOCTOR:
Should be enough, just to...

The DOCTOR screams and jerks. His hands are bound to the wires by snakes. His energy is now being channeled to DAVROS’ chair.

DAVROS:
Hold him firm, Colony Sarff. He is precious to us now.

DOCTOR:
(gasps and groans) What are you doing?

DAVROS:
(light back on) Regeneration energy. The ancient magic of the Time Lords. I thought I would have to tear you apart to take it from you but, as always, your compassion is your downfall.

DOCTOR:
No! No! No, please! No!

DAVROS:
You have opened your veins of your own free will, and all Daleks shall drink the blood of Gallifrey. They shall rise stronger than ever.

The DOCTOR continues to scream.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

DALEK SUPREME:
Where is Clara Oswald? You will tell us! You will tell us! You will tell us...

They all seem to shut off.

MISSY:
I'm sorry. Was I, um... Was I boring you?

Regeneration energy starts wafting out from their vents.

MISSY:
No. No, no, no, no, Doctor. What have you done??

CLARA:
What's happening?

DALEK:
What is happening?

MISSY:
I have to find the Doctor. (runs from the room)

CLARA:
No.

DALEK:
Exterminate!

CLARA:
No!

DALEK:
Exterminate!

CLARA:
Please, you can't just leave me here. Please! (follows MISSY)

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

The DOCTOR is on his knees as the energy continues to drain from him.

DAVROS:
There was a prophecy, Doctor, on your own world.

DOCTOR:
Please... you must... You must stop this. You must stop this!

DAVROS:
It spoke of a hybrid creature. Two great warrior races forced together to create a warrior greater than either. Is that what you ran from, Doctor? Your part in the coming of the hybrid? Half Dalek, half Time Lord!

INT. HALLWAY

MISSY encounters a powered-down DALEK.

MISSY:
Give me your gun! (yanks out its gun)

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

The DOCTOR continues to scream. MISSY shoots the door lock, rushes into the room and shoots at the wires connected to the ceiling. She kills SARFF, freeing the DOCTOR.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

The DALEKS come back “online”.

DALEK SUPREME:
We are renewed. We are more powerful. The experiment has succeeded. All praise Davros.

DALEKS:
All praise Davros! All praise Davros!

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

The DOCTOR is lying unconscious on the floor and MISSY taps his face.

MISSY:
Morning!

DOCTOR:
(sits ups) Where's Clara?

MISSY:
Oh, hello to you, too.

DOCTOR:
You're alive, so she is too. Where is she?

MISSY:
I'm fine, thanks for asking(!)

DAVROS:
Oh, you are not fine. Thanks to you, Doctor, my creations shall grow to yet greater supremacy, and my own life is prolonged. This is the final defeat of the Time Lords. Have you NOTHING to say, Doctor?

The DOCTOR stands as DAVROS talks.

DOCTOR:
Three. (runs and grabs confession dial)

DAVROS:
Do you understand what has happened? Hear my children sing.

DOCTOR:
(slips dial into pocket) Two.

MISSY:
Oh, I know that face.

DAVROS:
All praise Davros, creator and saviour of the Daleks.

DOCTOR:
(brushes off jacket and hands) One!

The room shakes.

DAVROS:
What is that?

The room shakes again.

DAVROS:
What's happening?

INT. CONTROL ROOM

The Daleks don’t know what to do. Some just spin around.

DALEK SUPREME:
We are under attack. Explain! Explain!

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

DOCTOR:
I knew exactly what you were doing, and I let you do it. You transmitted regeneration energy into every Dalek on this planet. Every single one.

DAVROS:
What have you done?

DOCTOR:
One word. No, two words, actually. First word: moron.

MISSY sniggers.

DOCTOR:
Second word: sewers.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

DALEK:
Emergency! What is happening? Power is fluctuating!

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

DAVROS:
No. This cannot be correct. How can this be?

DOCTOR:
Generations of Daleks just woke up very cross, and they're coming up the pipes. Or to put it another way... bye! (heads for the door)

DAVROS:
Doctor, you must help me.

MISSY:
Can I just say, it's been an absolute pleasure to finally meet you?

MISSY holds out her hand as if to shake but then pokes DAVROS in his blue “eye”. He groans.

MISSY:
Doctor! (runs after the DOCTOR)

INT. HALLWAY

The DOCTOR runs down the hallway and falls against a wall as the building rumbles and shakes. His fingers land in a dark sludge and he looks up to see it falling through a ventilator.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

One of the Daleks has the same sludge pouring out of his vents.

DALEK:
My vision is impaired. I cannot see.

DALEK SUPREME:
(spins on dais) Alert. I cannot control.

INT. HALLWAY

The DOCTOR stops at a T-junction when he sees an unimpaired DALEK heading towards him.

DALEK:
Doctor!

DOCTOR:
This city is about to be sucked into the ground. Your own sewer is about to consume you. There's no way you can win, there is nothing you can do, so just tell me, where is Clara Oswald?

DALEK:
I am a Dalek.

DOCTOR:
Yes, you're a Dalek. Where is Clara?

DALEK:
I am a Dalek.

DOCTOR:
Yes, I know that you're a Dalek. Where is Clara Oswald?

CLARA: (inside Dalek)
It's me, I'm right here! It's me, I'm in here! It's Clara!

DALEK:
I am a Dalek! I am a Dalek!

MISSY arrives aiming the Dalek gun.

MISSY:
Doctor, stop! It's you, isn't it? No offence, you all look alike, but it is... it is you?

CLARA: (inside Dalek)
Yes, it's me, it's me. I'm right here.

DALEK:
Affirmative.

MISSY:
Clara's dead, Doctor. This is the one that killed her.

DALEK:
Do not listen to her. I am a Dalek, I am a Dalek.

MISSY:
I got her out of the city, but this one caught us and shot her down. There was nothing I could do, I'm afraid.

DALEK:
I am a Dalek.

MISSY:
She ran, she screamed. I'm so glad you didn't have to see that.

DALEK:
I am a Dalek. I am a Dalek.

MISSY:
This one's a mad one, isn't it? I mean, it's almost like it's proud.

DALEK:
I am a Dalek. I am a Dalek. I am a Dalek!

MISSY:
(walks behind the DOCTOR and slips the gun into his slack hand) Kill it, Doctor. They're all going to die anyway. Indulge yourself. Go on, kill the Dalek.

DALEK:
(backs away) Do not kill me! Do not kill me!

DOCTOR:
(aims gun) Is Clara dead?

CLARA: (inside Dalek)
No! Doctor, no! I'm not dead, I'm in here! Can you hear me?

DALEK:
I am a Dalek. I am alive.

CLARA: (inside Dalek)
I'm your friend. I'm your friend!

DALEK:
I am your enemy. Your enemy.

The DOCTOR holds the gun out, preparing to fire.

CLARA: (inside Dalek)
No, please, don't.

DALEK:
Mercy. Mercy.

DOCTOR:
You shouldn't be able to say that.

DALEK:
Mercy.

DOCTOR:
That word shouldn't exist in your vocabulary. How did Davros teach you to say that?

DALEK:
Mercy.

DOCTOR:
Why aren't you trying to kill me?

DALEK:
Mercy.

CLARA: (inside Dalek)
Because I would never kill you. You are the last person I would ever kill.

DALEK:
I... show... mercy.

DOCTOR:
I'm putting the gun down. Open your casing.

CLARA: (inside Dalek)
How?

DALEK:
How?

DOCTOR:
Just think the word "open". It'll work.

CLARA lowers her head and closes her eyes. In the hall, we see the casing open.

MISSY:
Oh, look at that. Now, there's a surprise.

DOCTOR:
Missy, run.

CLARA:
Doctor...

The DOCTOR helps CLARA as MISSY talks.

MISSY:
In a way, this is why I gave her to you in the first place. To make you see. The friend inside the enemy, the enemy inside the friend.

DOCTOR:
I'm sorry, Clara. I'm so sorry!

MISSY:
Everyone's a bit of both. Everyone's a hybrid.

DOCTOR:
I said, run!

MISSY:
It wasn't me who ran, Doctor. That was always you. (leaves)

INT. SEWERS

The walls bulge and recede, like they are breathing.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

The floor has more cracks and sludge and more Daleks are being compromised. The DOCTOR and CLARA run in.

DALEK:
Emergency! Dalek control is compromised.

A beam falls from the ceiling.

DOCTOR:
Where was the TARDIS? It was over there somewhere, wasn't it? (waves with the gun)

The DOCTOR and CLARA run across the floor.

DALEK SUPREME:
What is happening? Explain! Explain!

DOCTOR:
(stops) Dalek Supreme, your sewers are revolting. (continues)

More of the room falls in their way.

DALEK SUPREME:
You will assist, or you will be exterminated.

DOCTOR:
Oh, well, go on, then. Exterminate away.

CLARA:
Doctor!

The Daleks fire but the shots are repulsed.

DOCTOR:
Oops, sorry. TARDIS force field is still here. We get in, you don't.

DALEK SUPREME:
The TARDIS has been destroyed.

DOCTOR:
Oh, don't be silly, of course it hasn't. It just redistributed itself for a moment -- Hostile Action Dispersal System. I'll give it a quick blast from my sonic, and the real-time envelope will reassemble right here.

CLARA:
Doctor, you don't have your screwdriver.

DOCTOR:
Oh, yeah, I'm over screwdrivers. They spoil the line of your jacket. These days, I'm all about wearable technology. (puts on sunglasses)

CLARA:
No! No? Seriously?

The DOCTOR taps the side of the glasses and we hear the familiar sonic whir. The air in the room begins to thicken and coalesce.

DALEK SUPREME:
What is happening?

DOCTOR:
Oh, same old, same old. Just the Doctor and Clara Oswald in the Tardis.

The TARDIS reforms around them and dematerializes as the Daleks fire.

INT. HALLWAY

MISSY runs as the building crumbles around her. She stops in a large room as she comes face-to-face with two Daleks.

DALEK:
Humanoid detected. Humanoid detected. Remain still. Do not move. Do not move. You are a Time Lord.

More come up behind her and block her escape. She is surrounded.

MISSY:
You know what? I've just had a very clever idea.

EXT. SKARO

On a distant outcropping, the DOCTOR and CLARA watch the destruction of the city.

CLARA:
No chance you're going to tell me what's in that confession dial, I suppose?

DOCTOR:
Hmm. (slips dial into trouser pocket) Doesn't make sense.

CLARA:
What doesn't?

DOCTOR:
When you were in the Dalek, you made it say "mercy". It shouldn't have understood the concept, it shouldn't have been able to say it. How did a tiny piece of mercy get into the DNA of the Daleks? (slowly realizes something and runs back to the TARDIS)

CLARA:
Doctor?

EXT. BATTLEFIELD

The smoke clears to show us YOUNG DAVROS surrounded by hand-mines.

YOUNG DAVROS:
Help me! You can't leave me, you promised. You said I had a chance.

We hear the TARDIS. YOUNG DAVROS looks behind him.

YOUNG DAVROS:
Who are you? I don't get it. How did you get there?

DOCTOR:
From the future.

YOUNG DAVROS:
Are you going to save me?

DOCTOR:
I'm going to save my friend the only way I can. Exterminate!

The DOCTOR raises the Dalek gun. YOUNG DAVROS curls up, ducking his head. The DOCTOR shoots the hand mines.

DOCTOR:
Come on, I'll take you home.

YOUNG DAVROS:
Which side are you on? Are you the enemy?

DOCTOR:
(walks towards him) I'm not sure that any of that matters. Friends, enemies. So long as there's mercy. Always mercy.

The DOCTOR holds out his hand and YOUNG DAVROS takes it and they walk across the field – the DOCTOR holding a Dalek gun and YOUNG DAVROS holding the sonic screwdriver.

My tweets

jpgr — Mon, 16 Mar 2020 16:01:02 GMT

Sun, 16:49: Transcript: 9x01 The Magician's Apprentice https://t.co/VDWcSqRR3M

Transcript: 9x01 The Magician's Apprentice

jpgr — Sun, 15 Mar 2020 20:49:57 GMT

Wow, look! Another post! Again, please let me know of any errors.

EXT. DAY, A MUDDY FIELD

Overhead shot. All we see is fog, smoke, mist. We hear shouting and then we see the wet field with soldiers running.

SOLDIER:
Spread out!

SOLDIER 2:
Get down!

The running soldiers fall into the mud as a WWI-era biplane flies overhead. It fires lasers! One of the soldiers gets back up and aims a bow and arrow at the disappearing plane. We hear sirens and a boy appears to run into the mist. A soldier runs up to the man with a bow.

SOLDIER:
What's wrong?

SOLDIER 2:
Was that a child?

The BOY continues to run, panting heavily. SOLDIER 2 runs after him.

SOLDIER 2:
Hey! You there, stop! Stop running! (puts bow across his back and raises hands placatingly)

The BOY stops and looks back at him.

SOLDIER 2:
It's OK. Not going to hurt you. Just don't run.

The other soldier joins them.

SOLDIER:
Kanzo?

KANZO:
I'll catch up!

SOLDIER:
There are clam drones two miles away.

KANZO:
I know! I'll be fine. Just go.

The SOLDIER runs off.

KANZO:
What are you doing out here? Huh? Did you get lost?

The BOY nods. The ground rumbles and moves like a wave, like it was liquid.

KANZO:
Stay still. Stay absolutely still. (takes out device and holds it in front of him) I'm just scanning the ground. I think we've got company. Do you know what hand mines are?

The BOY nods.

KANZO:
Well, in that case you know you've got to stand absolutely still. Right?

The BOY nods.

KANZO:
Ever seen a hand mine?

The BOY nods.

KANZO:
Where?

The BOY looks towards KANZO’S feet and we see a muddy hand reaching from out of the ground to grip KANZO’S boot.

KANZO:
(looks at BOY) OK. It's OK. Everything's going to be...

KANZO is pulled under with a squelching. The spot where he was standing closes up like he was never there. Hands begin to reach out from the ground surrounding the BOY. They rotate and we see eyes in the palms.

BOY:
Help me! Someone, please! Help me! HELP ME!

Close-up of an object spinning through the air: the sonic screwdriver. It lands on the ground, pulsing.

DOCTOR: (v.o.)
Your chances of survival are about one in a thousand. So here's what you do. You forget the thousand, and you concentrate on the one. Pick it up. I said pick it up!

The wind blows the smoke away and we briefly see the DOCTOR by the TARDIS. He is crouching outside the range of the hands. The BOY bends over and picks up the sonic.

DOCTOR: (v.o.)
I'm straight ahead of you. About 50 feet. Can you see me?

The BOY nods.

DOCTOR:
The device in your hand is creating an acoustic corridor so that we can talk. Do you understand?

BOY:
Who are you?

DOCTOR:
I'm just a passer-by. I was looking for a bookshop. How do you think I'm doing?

BOY:
This isn't a bookshop.

DOCTOR:
No, this is a war. A very old one, going by the mix of technology. Which war is this? I get them all muddled up.

BOY:
Just the war.

DOCTOR:
Where am I? What planet is this?

BOY:
I don't understand.

DOCTOR:
Well, neither do I. I try never to understand -- it's called an open mind. Now, you have got to make a choice.

BOY:
A choice?

DOCTOR:
Yes, you have got to decide that you're going to live. Survival is just a choice -- choose it now.

BOY:
If I move, they'll get me.

DOCTOR:
I told you, you have one chance in a thousand. But one is all you ever need. What's your name? Come on! Faith in the future! Introduce yourself! Tell me the name of the boy who isn't going to die today.

BOY:
Davros. My name is Davros.

The DOCTOR is shocked by this revelation. As DAVROS continues to speak, the camera closes in on the DOCTOR.

YOUNG DAVROS: (v.o.)
Hello? Are you still there? Please, you've got to help me. You said I could survive! You said you'd help me! Help me!

**********************************************************************

Peter Capaldi
Jenna Coleman

DOCTOR WHO
“The Magician’s Apprentice”
By
Steven Moffat

PRODUCER
Peter Bennett

DIRECTOR
Hettie MacDonald

**********************************************************************

EXT. PLANET, NIGHT

We see what appears to be a tall city or building: the Maldovarium. A spaceship comes in for a landing.

EXT. ALLEY, NIGHT

A mysterious robed figure glides and weaves through the alley.

INT. CLUB, NIGHT

Various creatures patronize the club. The singer is doing a rendition of “The Weeping Song” by Nick Cave. The hooded figure enters the club and hisses. The patrons shout and glasses are broken. The figure lifts his head and his face looks to have burn scars and four horizontal lines.

FIGURE:
We are Colony Sarff. We bring harm.

SARFF moves deeper into the club looking at the others. There is an Ood!

SARFF:
Where is the Doctor? Where is the Doctor? Where is the Doc-tor?!

INT. SHADOW PROCLAMATION

The SHADOW ARCHITECT is striding down a marble hall with columns and statuary. She periodically looks behind her to see if the Judoon following are paying attention.

ARCHITECT:
Deploy the under-regiment across both sectors. That number of suicide moons cannot be ignored. (stops) Apparently, we have a security breach. I won't ask how you got in here. But I will demand to know your business, Colony Sarff.

SARFF:
Where is the Doctor?

ARCHITECT:
I've no idea. He's not our concern, and he's certainly not your employer's.

SARFF:
The Doctor is required.

ARCHITECT:
For what? Colony Sarff, you need to tell me. What does Davros want with the Doctor?

SARFF leaves.

EXT. KARN, NIGHT

A storm thunders overhead as SARFF approaches a cave. Surrounding it are women in red cloaks holding torches.

OHILA:
Welcome, Colony Sarff. We are the Sisterhood of Karn. If you do not leave our world immediately, we will take your skin.

SARFF:
Where is the Doctor?

OHILA:
Where he always is. Right behind you, and one step ahead. Tread carefully when you seek the Doctor, Colony Sarff, or he will be the last thing you find.

SARFF:
Davros, creator of the Daleks, dark Lord of Skaro.

OHILA:
What of him?

SARFF:
Davros is dying.

OHILA:
Davros is ancient. He should have been dust centuries ago.

SARFF:
He has a message for the Doctor.

OHILA:
Then you will give it to me.

SARFF hisses and writhes.

OHILA:
Your powers mean nothing here. Give me the message and leave.

SARFF:
Tell the Doctor, Davros knows. Davros remembers. Tell him he must face Davros one last time.

SARFF backs away slowly as thunder rumbles.

SARFF:
(as he leaves) Davros knows. Davros remembers.

OHILA:
(turns head) Doctor? What have you done?

The DOCTOR is hiding behind an outcrop of stones.

INT. HOSPITAL, SKARO

The camera closes in on a room where we see machines and tubes. DAVROS is in the centre in his chair.

DAVROS:
Doctor. Doctor. Doc-tor...

SARFF:
You are dreaming, Lord Davros.

DAVROS:
No. I am anticipating. (holds a sonic screwdriver)

SARFF:
He cannot be found.

DAVROS:
Of course he can. He has a weakness. If you seek the Doctor, first, seek his friends.

INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL, CLASSROOM, DAY

A wad of gum thuds in the bottom of a trash bin. There are already a number of old ones in there.

BOY:
Will I get it back after school?

There is a collective “ew” from the rest of the class.

CLARA:
How will you know which one's yours?

The BOY shrugs and the class laughs. CLARA puts the bin back in place.

CLARA:
Fine, then. Right, now, where was I? Jane Austen. Amazing writer, brilliant comic observer, and strictly among ourselves, a phenomenal kisser. (looks out a window and is distracted)

GIRL:
Miss? Miss?

Outside the window, we can see what has attracted CLARA’S attention: a plane has stopped in mid-air.

BOY:
Miss?

CLARA walks from the window to her desk.

GIRL:
Is she OK?

CLARA walks back to the window and, with a marker, draws a circle on the window framing the still plane. She then turns back to the class.

CLARA:
Everybody turn on their phones. (opens window and leans out) News websites and Twitter. (comes back inside)

BOY:
Twitter?

CLARA:
Hashtag... (closes window) ThePlanesHaveStopped.

VARIOUS NEWS REPORTS

Photos of unmoving planes are shown on various networks.

MALE NEWSREADER:
Reports are coming in of planes hanging apparently motionless in the sky...

FEMALE NEWSREADER:
Footage of passenger jets, which have seemingly come to a complete standstill in midair...

INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL, CLASSROOM, DAY

A MAN runs into the classroom.

MAN:
Miss Oswald, a call at the office.

CLARA:
Yeah, that would probably be UNIT.

MAN:
They're telling me you're needed. They were going to put me through to the Prime Minister.

CLARA:
(gets leather jacket from desk) Mr Dunlop, sorry. I have to take the rest of the day off owing to a, um, personal crisis. (runs out)

EXT. COAL HILL SCHOOL

CLARA is on her mobile as she runs towards the car park.

CLARA:
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, I'm coming! No, don't send a helicopter. Think it through! (stops at motorcycle and looks up at the sky at a still plane)

FEMALE NEWSREADER: (v.o.)
Attempts at communications with the planes, with pilots, crew, passengers, all have failed.

EXT. LONDON, DAY

CLARA rides through the streets as we see and hear more news reports.

FEMALE NEWSREADER: (v.o.)
.. family members with candlelight vigils around the world.

EXT. TOWER OF LONDON, DAY

CLARA is waved in.

FEMALE NEWSREADER: (v.o.)
Meanwhile, reports are coming in from Caracas, Tel Aviv, Beijing -- it seems no corner of the planet is unaffected.

INT. UNIT HQ

KATE STEWART is on her mobile.

KATE:
The planes aren't responding. No, none of them. It's radio silence. (sees CLARA enter) I've gotta go. Tell the President I'll call him back. (to CLARA) He's not answering his phone. Have you tried?

CLARA:
We don't know enough yet. He doesn't appreciate gossip.

KATE:
Gossip?!

KATE and CLARA walk up to a clear board with a grid world map on it, red dots marking the planes.

CLARA:
How many planes?

Another WOMAN standing at the board answers.

WOMAN:
4,165 aircraft currently airborne.

KATE:
That's a lot of passengers.

CLARA:
That's a lot of fuel.

KATE:
Oh, dear God, yes, it is.

CLARA:
OK, so, what could you do with 4,000 flying bombs?

WOMAN:
Ah, well, 439 nuclear power stations currently active.

KATE:
What else?

CLARA:
I dunno. Fault lines. Earthquake, a tsunami?

WOMAN:
Running simulations now. (sits at desk and works on computer)

KATE:
So this is an attack?

CLARA:
What kind of an attack advertises? Why show somebody what you can do? Why not just do it? What's actually happened to the planes? What are the pilots saying?

KATE:
We can't contact them.

WOMAN:
The planes haven't stopped -- they're actually frozen. Like, frozen in time. Pardon my sci-fi, but this is beyond any human technology.

KATE:
OK, so we need the Doctor.

CLARA:
Kate, we can't just phone the Doctor and bleat, he'll go Scottish. Come on. What have we got? What do we know? It's not an attack, it's not an invasion, because, well, that doesn't come with a fair warning. So, somebody needs our attention. Somebody who needs to put a gun to our heads to make us listen. Oh!

KATE:
Oh?

MAN:
We've got a message. The Doctor channel.

CLARA:
Sorry, what?

KATE:
He never uses it. I doubt he remembers it even exists. (goes to the MAN’S desk)

CLARA:
Then who is it?

MAN:
Decrypting -- we're getting text through, I think.

CLARA:
Texting? Definitely not the Doctor.

After some beeping, “You so fine” appears onscreen.

KATE:
Have you got any more?

MAN:
Coming. (taps keys)

“You blow my mind” appears. Then “Hey Missy you so fine/You so fine/You blow my mind/Hey” “M I S S Y !!!” Missy herself then appears.

MISSY:
Today, I shall be talking to you out of... (her head projects out of the screen) The square window!

KATE:
(takes a few steps back) What the hell was that? How did she do that?

WOMAN:
Dunno -- some sort of psychic projection, or... something.

KATE:
(sarcastic) Great, thanks.

MISSY:
OK, cutting to the chase. Not dead, back, big surprise, never mind. I'm in a lovely little square in one of your, oh, I don't know, hot countries. There's a light breeze coming from the east, this coffee (holds up mug) is a buzz-monster in my brain, and I'm going to need eight snipers.

KATE:
Eight what?

MISSY:
Three for each heart, and two for my brainstem -- you'll have to switch me off fast, before I can regenerate. How fast can you get here? Ooh. I'll need to arrange you a flight corridor. (holds up device)

KATE:
Why do you need snipers?

MISSY:
Because it's the only way she'll feel safe enough to talk to me. Shall we say four o'clock?

EXT. MEDITERRANEAN PLAZA, DAY

Tables are set up in front of a church and MISSY is sitting at one as the church bell tolls 4:00. She watches as snipers take position. Red dots appear on her chest.

MISSY:
Oh! Saucy.

MISSY takes out a compact and sees there is another behind her. Two cars arrive and CLARA gets out of the second, flanked by two agents. CLARA walks over to MISSY and stands at the table.

MISSY:
Go on, then.

MISSY motions to a chair and CLARA sits.

MISSY:
How's your boyfriend? Still tremendously dead, I expect. (sips tea)

CLARA:
Still dead, yeah. How come you're still alive?

MISSY:
Death is for other people, dear. Would you like to sit in the shade? I know how you humans burn.

MISSY pulls out her controller and moves a plane to create shade for them. She then sets it down.

MISSY:
Better? I expect you've tried to contact him by now. Well, you should know, I can't find him either. No-one can.

CLARA:
That happens, now and then.

MISSY:
Not like this. (sets an intricately carved disc on the table) It's a confession dial.

CLARA:
A what?

MISSY:
In your terms, a will. The Last Will and Testament of the Time Lord known as the Doctor, to be delivered, according to ancient tradition, to his closest friend, on the eve of his final day.

CLARA reaches for the dial and is shocked.

MISSY:
Ah-ah! What are you doing?!

CLARA:
You said... I thought...

MISSY:
No, no, no, no, no! It was delivered to me.

CLARA:
You?!

MISSY:
Of course it was sent to me. What have you got to do with it? I'm his friend. You're just...

CLARA:
I'm just what?

MISSY:
See that couple over there?

An older couple walks past with a dog on a lead.

MISSY:
You're the puppy.

CLARA:
Since when do you care about the Doctor?

MISSY:
Since always. Since the Cloister Wars. Since the night he stole the moon and the President's wife. Since he was a little girl. One of those was a lie -- can you guess which one?

CLARA:
He's not your friend – you keep trying to kill him.

MISSY:
He keeps trying to kill me! It's sort of our texting. We've been at it for ages.

CLARA:
Mmm! Must be love.

MISSY:
Oh, don't be disgusting. We're Time Lords, not animals! Try, nano-brain, to rise above the reproductive frenzy of your noisy little food chain, and contemplate friendship. A friendship older than your civilisation, and infinitely more complex.

CLARA:
So the Doctor is your bezzy mate and I'm supposed to believe that you've turned good?

MISSY:
Good?!

MISSY aims her device and one of the agents on the church steps is vaporized.

AGENT:
Man down!

CLARA:
No! (stands and takes a few steps)

AGENT:
Man down!

INT. UNIT HQ

KATE is monitoring the situation.

KATE:
Don't shoot her. Do not shoot her!

EXT. MEDITERRANEAN PLAZA, DAY

MISSY:
By the ring on his finger, he was married, and I think I detected some baby leakage on his jacket, so he had a family. No, I've not "turned good". (kills another agent)

INT. UNIT HQ

KATE:
Nobody fire!

EXT. MEDITERRANEAN PLAZA, DAY

MISSY:
Ooh, wow, I'm on a roll. Thanks for bringing spares!

CLARA:
Stop it -- just stop it. Don't shoot anybody else!

MISSY:
(to the agent behind CLARA) Oi, you, sweaty one, on your knees. Let's have a goodbye selfie for your kids.

The agent does as she asks.

CLARA:
Missy! Nobody else!

MISSY:
Say something nice!

CLARA:
No!

MISSY:
I'll kill everyone in this square.

CLARA:
(walks back to the table) Start with me. Then what? Hey? YOU came here for MY help.

MISSY:
Because the Doctor is in danger.

CLARA:
Make me believe you.

MISSY:
How?

CLARA:
Release the planes.

MISSY:
The planes are keeping me alive. I mean, there's... one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight naughty little snipers ready to kill me.

CLARA:
Yeah. On my command. (raises a hand) Your best friend is in danger -- show me you care. Make me believe.

MISSY takes out her controller and releases the planes. The one above them continues its flight.

INT. UNIT HQ

WOMAN:
The planes! The planes are all moving again.

EXT. MEDITERRANEAN PLAZA, DAY

MISSY:
(stretches out and puts her feet up on a chair) It's only a basic Time Stop. Parlour trick. Couldn't have done anything with them anyway.

CLARA:
(lowers hand) What does it say?

MISSY:
What does what say?

CLARA:
His confession.

MISSY:
It will only open when he's dead.

CLARA:
Then it won't open, will it? (sits)

MISSY:
Question. If the Doctor has one last night to live, if he's certain he's facing the end of his life, where, in all of space and time, would he go?

CLARA:
Here.

???

A pair of hands claps.

EXT. MEDITERRANEAN PLAZA, DAY

An agent brings a laptop to the table.

MISSY:
Well, yes, Earth, obviously! But WHERE? When?

???

More slow claps. It looks medieval. We also see a man twirling a weapon of some sort.

INT. UNIT HQ

WOMAN:
The algorithm generates probabilities based on crisis points, anomalies, anachronisms, keywords.

KATE:
Such as?

WOMAN:
"Blue box", "Doctor"...

Blue lights appear on the map. CLARA and MISSY are connected to the discussion.

??? 1138

More clapping and someone move to stand in front of an open portcullis.

INT. UNIT HQ

WOMAN:
There we go. San Martino, Troy, multiples for New York, and three possible versions of Atlantis. It's easier than you'd think. The Doctor makes a lot of noise, and he loves to make an entrance.

INT. CASTLE, ESSEX 1138

Tumblers enter through the portcullis.

INT. UNIT HQ

KATE:
But which one is THE one? Where is he now?

EXT. MEDITERRANEAN PLAZA, DAY

CLARA:
How's a Time Lord supposed to die?

MISSY:
Meditation. Repentance and acceptance. Contemplation of the absolute.

CLARA:
Great, thanks. Change the algorithm. Eliminate the crisis points. Where is the Doctor making the most noise, but there isn't any crisis? We're looking for a party!

INT. UNIT HQ

The WOMAN agent changes the algorithm and the spots disappear on the map. Just one remains.

EXT. MEDITERRANEAN PLAZA, DAY

CLARA:
There he is. "Do not go gentle into that good night."

MISSY:
You go, girl!

MISSY reaches across CLARA and places a vortex manipulator on her wrist and the two disappear.

EXT. CASTLE RAMPARTS, NIGHT

CLARA and MISSY land on the stone and MISSY whoops in excitement. In the background, we hear a crowd chanting.

MISSY:
Whoo, Mummy, do it again! Vortex manipulators -- yours is slaved to mine. Cheap and nasty time travel.

EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD, NIGHT

A large bearded MAN rests an axe on his shoulder as he faces the portcullis.

MAN:
Face me, Magician! Face me!

EXT. CASTLE RAMPARTS, NIGHT

CLARA looks down into the courtyard as MISSY talks.

MISSY:
You probably want to throw up, don't you? Pick a local. According to you, this is where the Doctor is.

CLARA:
OK. How do we find him? How do we know what we're looking for?

MISSY:
Anachronisms. The slightest, tiniest...

We hear an electric guitar riff.

MISSY:
… anachronism.

EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD, NIGHT

The DOCTOR enters playing guitar riding on a tank. He is wearing dark sunglasses. The MAN lowers his axe in exasperation. The crowd goes crazy. The DOCTOR finishes and bows.

MAN:
Dude! What is that?

DOCTOR:
You said you wanted an axe fight.

The comment is received in silence.

DOCTOR:
Oh, come on. In a few hundred years, that'll be really funny. (climbs down from the tank) It's a slow burner.

MAN:
A musical instrument is not an axe.

DOCTOR:
Yes, and a daffodil is not a broadsword, but I still won the last round!

The DOCTOR raises his arms and the crowd cheers.

DOCTOR:
What do you think of my tank? Don't worry, it isn't loaded.

MAN:
I don't like it.

DOCTOR:
Neither do I. I bought it for my fish.

MAN:
Your fish?

DOCTOR:
I may have ordered... online!

Again, no response on the joke.

DOCTOR:
(walks around) Oh, come on! Fish? Tank? Honestly, this stuff will be hilarious in a very few hundred years, do please stick around.

CLARA:
What's the matter with him? He's never like this.

MISSY:
Oh, you really are new, aren't you?

The DOCTOR seems to look in the direction of MISSY and CLARA.

CLARA:
Wait, hang on. Did he just hear that? He doesn't know we're here, does he?

The DOCTOR plays the intro to “Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison

DOCTOR:
(to crowd) Now, you lot. I have been here all day, and it's been a great day!

MAN:
You've been here for three weeks!

DOCTOR:
Three weeks? It must be nearly bedtime. Well, we've partied.

The crowd cheers.

DOCTOR:
Yes! I helped you dig a well, with a first-class, child-friendly visitor's centre! I've given you some top-notch maths tuition in a fun but relevant way. And I have also introduced the word "dude" several centuries early. Let me hear you!

As the DOCTOR talks, CLARA makes her way down.

CROWD:
Dude!

DOCTOR:
Are you a Renaissance...?

CROWD:
Dude!

DOCTOR:
Are you a Medieval...?

CROWD:
Dude!

DOCTOR:
I am a dragon-slaying...?

CROWD:
Dude!

DOCTOR:
We are all the young...?

CROWD:
Dudes!

DOCTOR:
I like it. But I've got some sad news for you, dudes. Tonight, I'm going to have to leave you.

The crowd boos.

DOCTOR:
But before I do, I'd like you to meet a couple of friends of mine.

The DOCTOR nods at MISSY up on the ramparts and then looks at CLARA. She walks out to join him with a nervous wave as the crowd cheers.

CLARA:
(whispers) How did you know I was here? Did you see me?

DOCTOR:
When do I not see you?

CLARA:
What, one face in all of that crowd?

DOCTOR:
There was a crowd, too?

CLARA:
(lightly) Wow, we're doing charm as well, now, are we? Which one of us is dying?

The DOCTOR then hugs CLARA which unnerves her.

CLARA:
OK. And we're doing hugging now, too -- I can't keep up.

DOCTOR:
Well, you know what they say. Hugging is a great way to hide your face.

CLARA:
OK, look. I guessed a party, but not like this. (ends hug) What is this? This isn't you.

DOCTOR:
I spent all day yesterday in a bow tie. The day before in a long scarf. It's my party, and all of me is invited.

The DOCTOR plays guitar as MISSY enters.

MISSY:
What the hell are you up to, man?

DOCTOR:
It's the wicked stepmother! Everyone hiss!

The crowd hisses as the DOCTOR plays a chord.

MISSY:
Apparently, you think you're going to die tomorrow. (holds up the dial)

DOCTOR:
Well, I've got some good news about that.

MISSY:
Oh, yeah?

DOCTOR:
It's still today! (plays a few notes)

MISSY:
Oh, that's very good.

Behind him, the MAN begins to choke. The DOCTOR hurries over as the MAN falls to his knees.

DOCTOR:
Bors! Is it a marble again? Did you swallow one of the marbles I gave you? Don't swallow marbles!

The DOCTOR pulls a snake out of BORS’ clothes and it slithers back to SARFF.

SARFF:
Doctor. Your friends have led me to you. You will come.

DOCTOR:
Says you and whose army?

The “sections” of SARFF’S face rotate and snakes begin falling out from under his cloak. The crowd screams and the people run away. The cloak falls away to reveal a large snake. The DOCTOR confronts SARFF.

DOCTOR:
Nobody dies here. Not one person, not one of my friends, do you understand?

SARFF:
Davros, creator of the Daleks, dark lord of Skaro... is dying.

DOCTOR:
So I hear.

SARFF:
He would speak with you again on the last night of his life.

DOCTOR:
Then you will harm nobody in this place. Not one person. Are we very, very clear?

SARFF reverses the process and returns to human form.

SARFF:
Are you so dangerous, little man?

DOCTOR:
You want to know how dangerous I am? Davros sent YOU. You know how stupid you are? You came! (walks over to the tank)

SARFF hisses.

DOCTOR:
Is that supposed to frighten me? Snake nest in a dress? Now, explain -- politely. Davros is my arch-enemy. Why would I want to talk to him?

MISSY:
No, wait, hang on a minute! DAVROS is your arch-enemy now?

DOCTOR:
Hush!

MISSY:
I'll scratch his eye out.

SARFF:
Davros knows. Davros remembers.

SARFF throws the sonic and it lands in the dirt. The DOCTOR stares at it as if it shouldn’t exist.

CLARA:
That's yours.

DOCTOR:
Uh... it was.

CLARA:
Was?

DOCTOR:
I don't have a screwdriver any more.

MISSY:
Ooh! Never seen THAT before. Doctor, the look on your face. What is that?

CLARA:
Shame. You're ashamed. Doctor? What have you done?

>>FLASHBACK>>

EXT. SKARO

YOUNG DAVROS:
Please, you've got to help me. You said I could survive! You said you'd help me! Help me!

The DOCTOR takes off leaving YOUNG DAVROS stuck with the hand mines.

>>END FLASHBACK>>

EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD, NIGHT

DOCTOR:
(walks over to SARFF) Is your ship in orbit?

MISSY:
(hurries over) It's a trap.

SARFF:
Prepare yourself for teleport.

MISSY:
Doctor, listen to me -- I know traps, traps are my flirting. This is a trap.

DOCTOR:
I am... prepared.

MISSY:
You sent me your confession dial! You threw yourself a three-week party. You know what this is!

DOCTOR:
Yes. Goodbye. (softly) Goodbye, Clara.

The DOCTOR walks over to the tank and turns his back on SARFF. SARFF sends a snake towards the DOCTOR and it wraps itself around his arms.

CLARA:
We're coming with him. Both of us, her and me.

CLARA and MISSY stand on either side of the DOCTOR.

DOCTOR:
No! No, no, no. Under no circumstances!

SARFF seems to wiggle in place.

DOCTOR:
(to SARFF) What are you doing now?

SARFF:
Voting. We are a democracy. It is agreed.

DOCTOR:
No, no, no! I forbid it, no! No! No! No! NO!

All four disappear. BORS comes out of hiding and looks around. He makes his way across the courtyard.

INT. CASTLE, STOREROOM, NIGHT

BORS searches the room and pulls aside a curtain to reveal the TARDIS. He then turns and we see a Dalek eyestalk jutting out from his forehead. He taps his hand to his chest before speaking.

BORS:
Inform High Command. It is located. The TARDIS is located.

DALEK: (v.o.)
The TARDIS will be procured.

DALEKS (v.o.)
'Procure the TARDIS. Procure the TARDIS. Procure. Procure.'

INT. SARFF’S SHIP

DOCTOR:
Davros is the child of war. A war that wouldn't end – a thousand years of fighting, till nobody could remember why. So Davros, he created a new kind of warrior -- one that wouldn't bother with THAT question. A mutant in a tank that would never, ever stop. And they never did.

CLARA:
The Daleks?

DOCTOR:
How scared must you be to seal every one of your own kind inside a tank? Davros made the Daleks. But who made Davros?

The ship jostles a little and slows.

MISSY:
OK, great. Coming out of hyperspace.

Ahead of them they see a bell-shaped space-station.

DOCTOR:
So that's where he ended up.

CLARA:
What is that?

DOCTOR:
I don't know. A hospital?

INT. HOSPITAL SHIP, WAITING ROOM

Their hands are still bound. MISSY and CLARA are sitting on the floor as MISSY “vocalizes” in the otherwise empty room. The DOCTOR walks around.

CLARA:
How long have we been waiting?

DOCTOR:
Who knows? It's always the way, with hospitals.

The door slides open and SARFF glides in. CLARA and MISSY stand.

SARFF:
(to the DOCTOR) You will come. (to CLARA and MISSY) YOU will stay.

MISSY:
Fair enough.

CLARA:
Doctor. You sent Missy your confession dial.

DOCTOR:
Well, we've known each other a long time, she's one of my own people...

CLARA:
My point is, we both saw her die on Earth, ages ago. And obviously you knew that wasn't real. Or worse, hoped it wasn't. Either way, I think you've been lying.

DOCTOR:
I'm sorry.

CLARA:
Don't apologise. Make it up to me. There, see? Ha... Now you have to come back.

SARFF hisses and the DOCTOR starts for the door ahead of him.

DOCTOR:
(to MISSY) Gravity.

MISSY:
I know!

The DOCTOR and SARFF leave and MISSY does a little dance.

CLARA:
Gravity?

MISSY:
Oh, yeah. You know what's wrong with the gravity in here?

CLARA:
No.

MISSY:
Nothing. It's perfect. But this is a space station, so the gravity should be artificial -- all coppery-smelling round the edges, a tiny bit sexy. But this feels real, man. Like a planet.

CLARA:
How can you and the Doctor be friends?

MISSY:
Why shouldn't we be?

CLARA:
You spend all your time fighting.

MISSY:
Exactly. (kills the snake binding her hands and it drops to the floor) You know what this airlock is? I'll tell you. It's pants.

CLARA:
What do you mean?

MISSY:
I mean that today might be the day.

CLARA:
What day?

MISSY:
The day I kill you. (activates the controls)

CLARA:
What are you doing? Are you opening it?

MISSY:
Yeah, course.

CLARA:
Missy, we'll get sucked out!

MISSY:
You and me together, off we go! Let's make jam!

The door opens and alarm sounds.

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

SARFF leads the DOCTOR into the room.

DAVROS:
Doctor?

The DOCTOR walks around to face DAVROS as the latter raises the ceiling of his containment cell.

DAVROS:
Doctor.

DOCTOR:
Davros.

DAVROS:
I approve of your new face, Doctor. So much more like mine. Colony Sarff, untie our guest's hands.

SARFF glides over and releases the DOCTOR.

DAVROS:
You may leave us.

SARFF leaves.

DAVROS:
You came, then.

DOCTOR:
Clearly.

DAVROS:
Did you suspect a trap?

DOCTOR:
I still do.

DAVROS:
Then why are you here? Did you miss our conversations?

DAVROS turns a knob on his control panel and past Doctors are heard. Videos appear on a circular screen in the wall.

FOURTH DOCTOR:
If you had created a virus in your laboratory...

FIFTH DOCTOR:
I'm not here as your prisoner, Davros...

SEVENTH DOCTOR:
Unimaginable power! Unlimited rice pudding!

TENTH DOCTOR:
Everything we saw. Everything we lost.

SIXTH DOCTOR:
But did you bother to tell anyone they might be eating their own relatives?

DOCTOR:
Yes, yes, OK, you've made your point.

DAVROS:
Have I?

DAVROS shows a clip of the FOURTH DOCTOR from “Genesis of the Daleks”.

FOURTH DOCTOR:
'If someone who knew the future pointed out a child to you, and told you that that child would grow up totally evil, to be a ruthless dictator who would destroy millions of lives, could you then kill that child?'

The DOCTOR reaches over and stops the recording.

DOCTOR:
I get the point!

DAVROS:
Do you know why you came, Doctor? You have a sense of duty. Of guilt, perhaps. And certainly of shame.

DOCTOR:
You flatter me.

DAVROS:
Pity. I intended to accuse. I believe that for the ultimate good of the universe, I was right to create the Daleks.

DOCTOR:
You were VERY wrong.

DAVROS:
This is the argument we've had since we met.

DOCTOR:
It ended in the Time War.

DAVROS:
It survived the Time War. But it will end tonight. That is why you are here.

The alarm blares and DAVROS looks to the screen.

DAVROS:
It seems your friends have gone exploring.

EXT. ???

Missy and CLARA stand in the airlock and MISSY reaches out a hand.

MISSY:
It's warm, isn't it? For deep space, anyway. (prepares to take a step)

CLARA:
What are you doing?

MISSY:
Treading softly. (steps out and walks on something solid)

CLARA:
There's a floor?

MISSY:
No. No, there's ground. This is the ground.

CLARA steps out.

MISSY:
We're on a planet! And that is not a space station. That is a building. And the rest of the planet, the whole thing, is invisible.

CLARA:
(walks with arms out) That's ridiculous.

MISSY:
Well, yes, of course it is. I mean, how would you ever find your glasses? Or the little girl's room? And what if you kissed an ugly? Unless, when you're part of the atmosphere, you start syncing with the spectrum.

CLARA:
Why would anybody hide a whole planet?

Buildings begin to appear behind CLARA.

MISSY:
That would rather depend on the planet, dear.

CLARA turns and sees the buildings. She steps back towards MISSY.

MISSY:
(softly) No!

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

The DOCTOR sees where he is.

DOCTOR:
No!

EXT. PLANET

MISSY:
They've built it again, they've brought it back. No, no. No!

CLARA:
What? What is it? Where are we?

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

DOCTOR:
Skaro! You've brought me to Skaro!

DAVROS:
Where does an old man go to die, but with his children?

EXT. SKARO

CLARA:
What's Skaro?

MISSY:
The beginning. Where it all started. This is the planet of the Daleks!

DALEK:
Correct! (aims weapon)

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

The DOCTOR sees CLARA and MISSY on-screen.

DOCTOR:
Clara! (rushes to door)

DAVROS:
You cannot help her now, Doctor.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

A RED DALEK is in a central dais. Daleks from all eras move about the room. At one side is the TARDIS. CLARA and MISSY are brought in.

CLARA:
The TARDIS! How did she get here?

RED DALEK:
It has been procured.

A laser weapon is lowered from the ceiling.

CLARA:
Yeah? Yeah, well, if you're trying to get inside, you can't. Nothing can enter the TARDIS.

RED DALEK:
The TARDIS will not be entered. The TARDIS will be destroyed.

CLARA:
Yeah, well, good luck, because she's indestructible.

MISSY:
Did the Doctor tell you that? Because you should never believe a man about a vehicle.

INT. DAVROS’ ROOM

The DOCTOR and DAVROS are watching the proceedings. The DOCTOR turns to DAVROS.

DOCTOR:
What are they going to do? Tell me, what?

DAVROS:
Who can say? You know what children are like.

MISSY (on-screen)
Daleks! Pay attention!

DOCTOR:
Don't. Just don't.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. CONTROL ROOM

MISSY:
You know what this is? This thing you're about to destroy? I'll tell you! It's the dog's unmentionables. And you know all about those, don't you? This is a TARDIS. With this, you can go anywhere, do anything, kill anyone. With this, the Daleks can be more powerful than ever before. You just need one thing.

DOCTOR:
No. Missy, no!

MISSY:
Me! You need me. A Time Lady, to show you how it works. With this and with me, everything can be yours. And you can burn it all, for ever and ever and ever. (silence) Or would you rather just kill me?

The Daleks turn to the RED DALEK.

RED DALEK:
Maximum extermination.

DALEKS:
Exterminate.

The Daleks fire and MISSY is vaporized.

DOCTOR:
Please! Please, I'm begging you. (falls to his knees and pleads) Please, please. Please, save Clara.

DAVROS:
I gave the Daleks life. I do not control them.

The Daleks turn and face CLARA.

DOCTOR:
Oh, Clara. Oh, my Clara.

DAVROS:
See how they play with her. See how they toy. They want her to run. They NEED her to run. Do you feel their need, Doctor? Their blood is screaming. "Kill! Kill! Kill!" Hunter and prey, held in the ecstasy of crisis. Is this not life at its purest?

CLARA runs.

DALEK:
Exterminate! Exterminate!

The Daleks fire and CLARA screams as she is struck and disappears like MISSY. The DOCTOR is visibly stricken.

DOCTOR:
Why have I ever let you live?

DAVROS:
Compassion, Doctor. It has always been your greatest indulgence. Let this be my final victory. Let me hear you say it, just once. "Compassion is wrong."

RED DALEK:
Destroy the TARDIS!

The other Daleks repeat “Destroy” as the weapon is fired at the TARDIS. We see it enter the console room. We see a bright light consume the control room.

EXT. SKARO

The light clears and we are back on the battlefield.

YOUNG DAVROS:
Help me! You can't leave me! You promised. You said I had a chance.

We hear footsteps and YOUNG DAVROS looks around.

YOUNG DAVROS:
Who are you? I don't get it. How did you get there?

DOCTOR:
From the future.

YOUNG DAVROS:
Are you going to save me?

DOCTOR:
I'm going to save my friend the only way I can. (holds up Dalek gun) Exterminate!

My tweets

jpgr — Sun, 05 Jan 2020 17:00:56 GMT

Sun, 08:57: @danharris https://t.co/96GCeGx9Ou

My tweets

jpgr — Thu, 15 Nov 2018 17:00:58 GMT

Wed, 21:52: Transcript: 9x00 Last Christmas https://t.co/9rkVdWXFjZ

Transcript: 9x00 Last Christmas

jpgr — Thu, 15 Nov 2018 02:52:33 GMT

INT. HOUSE, NIGHT

We see a large Christmas tree in front of a bow-style window. It is snowing outside. There are presents under the tree. We then see the stairs. There is a lit garland wrapped around the banister.

INT. HOUSE, BEDROOM, NIGHT

CLARA is asleep in bed when she hears a loud noise from outside that wakes her. She sits up and hears a MAN yelling.

MAN: (o.c.)
Agh! Moron! Numbskull! Elf!

MAN 2: (o.c.)
That's racist!

MAN: (o.c.)
Of course it's not racist, you ARE an elf!

CLARA gets up, puts on a robe and goes up to the roof.

EXT. HOUSE, ROOF, NIGHT

CLARA opens the door and sees three men arguing. One is dressed in a very familiar seasonal costume. There are presents and oranges strewn about the roof. What looks to be a sleigh is standing on its end resting against…

SANTA:
Chimneys?

ELF:
I'm sorry!

SANTA:
I'm just checking that you can see these massive chimneys.

ELF:
I... er... They're hard to miss.

SANTA:
As you've clearly demonstrated, Ian!

WOLF:
(rings jingle bells) Donner! Donner and Blitzen! Come on down, down here, boys.

CLARA looks up and sees the flying reindeer, including one with a glowing red nose.

WOLF:
Good boys, good boys. Rudolph!

SANTA:
Just, just clear all the tangerines up. Pick 'em up - all of them, Ian.

IAN:
You know no-one really likes the tangerines, don't you?

SANTA:
How dare you! That's my signature gift! That and the walnut.

Ian picks up the tangerines and the other elf – WOLF, according to his vest - calls the reindeer.

WOLF:
Down here, boys, come on. Rudolph?!

IAN:
(sees CLARA) Er, sir? We've been seen.

SANTA:
Hello...

CLARA:
Hello.

WOLF:
Hello, ha-ha!

IAN:
Hello, human.

WOLF:
You can't call her human!

IAN:
It's not racist. They don't mind.

SANTA:
Hush up, both of you. Oh, sorry about this... girl? W-We... are just three passing, perfectly ordinary... roof people, doing some emergency... roof things. Carry on. Merry Christmas. If-if it is Christmas, I mean...! Ha-ha! I don't much care for things like that, myself. Pfft! I mean, Christmas, ha-ha-ha!

CLARA:
Are you... Santa Claus?

SANTA:
Me?! No! Oh, no! It's ridiculous. Ha-ha. No, no, no, ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho...

The reindeer fly behind him, spoiling his attempt to lie.

WOLF:
Rudolph! Rudolph! Down here!

SANTA:
All right, fine, yes. Yes, it's me. Ha! Guilty. How did you recognise me?

WOLF:
You know how you grew that beard as a bit of a disguise? People have picked up on it.

CLARA:
OK, no. Hang on, stop, shut up. What? Seriously, you... you're Father Christmas? You're real?

SANTA:
Of course I'm real!

WOLF:
How could he not be real?

SANTA:
Huh? How do you think those presents got under the tree every year? By magic?

CLARA:
Well, I thought it was my mum and...

IAN & WOLF:
Mum and Dad?!

SANTA:
Ho-ho!

IAN:
Well, of course it was!

WOLF:
I mean, it makes perfect sense!

IAN:
Your mum and dad, one day a year, for no particular reason, just out of the blue, suddenly decide to give you a great, big pile of presents.

WOLF:
No, no, no. Because..."They love you so much!" It's a lovely story, dear.

IAN:
Yeah, but it's time to start living in the real world, yeah?

SANTA:
(checks book) OK, right. Clara Oswald. Mostly favours travel books, science kits. Strict ban on hair products. Marginal for the naughty list, '93. (clicks tongue) Believer until the age of nine. Why did you stop?

CLARA:
Because you're a fairy tale. I grew out of fairy tales.

SANTA:
(sighs) Did you, Clara? Did you really?

The TARDIS materialises on the roof and the DOCTOR steps out.

DOCTOR:
Clara, I want you to step inside the TARDIS. I don't want you to talk, I want you to do as I ask. Please.

IAN:
That was good, with the box.

WOLF:
Hmph! Not often we get upstaged on a rooftop. Hmm!

DOCTOR:
(softly to CLARA) Yes, I'm really here. I'm back. Now get inside the TARDIS.

CLARA goes into the TARDIS and shuts the door behind her with saying a word.

DOCTOR:
(faces SANTA) I know what this is. I know what's happening, and I know what's at stake.

SANTA:
I don't think you do, Doctor. But I promise, before this Christmas Day is done, you'll be glad of my help.

DOCTOR:
Happy Easter! (walks to TARDIS)

WOLF:
Ooh, brutal!

IAN:
Cool exit line, though.

SANTA:
Be sure to save some room for a tangerine, Doctor.

DOCTOR:
Nobody likes tangerines. (enters TARDIS)

INT. TARDIS

CLARA is standing at the console as the DOCTOR strides in.

CLARA:
I'm really back here. This is... this is real, yeah?

The DOCTOR ignores CLARA as he swings the monitor around and uses the controls to enter coordinates.

CLARA:
Doctor? Talk to me. I never thought I was going to see you again. What is going on out there? What's happening?

The DOCTOR throws the dematerialisation lever.

CLARA:
Oh, that noise. Never knew how much I loved it.

The DOCTOR comes up behind CLARA and grips her arm, turning her to face him.

DOCTOR:
There's something you have to ask yourself, and it's important. Your life may depend on it - everybody's life. Do you really believe in Santa Claus? (walks back to monitor)

CLARA:
Do you know what? Yeah. Right now, yeah. I think I do.

**********************************************************************

Peter Capaldi
Jenna Coleman

DOCTOR WHO
“Last Christmas”
By
Steven Moffat

PRODUCER
Paul Frift

DIRECTOR
Paul Wilmshurst

**********************************************************************

EXT. ICY WASTELAND

We zoom along the ground towards a base of some sort.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

A WOMAN is standing in the middle of the corridor wearing a radio headpiece. Another woman’s voice comes over the radio.

WOMAN 2: (o.c.)
'You are now 20 feet from the infirmary. In a moment, as soon as you're ready.'

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

WOMAN 2 and a MAN and WOMAN 3 are watching the WOMAN on monitor. They all have the radio sets.

WOMAN 2:
I'll disable the security protocols.

WOMAN 3:
Your neural link is good and holding. We stand ready to abort and extract at the first sign of an anomaly.

MAN:
We're going to be with you 'every step of the way, Shona.'

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

SHONA waits nervously.

WOMAN 2:
We're all depending on you and we know you won't let us down. Shona, I'm opening the door.

WOMAN 2 flicks a switch and a screen reads in big letters “Auto Door Lock System PURGE”. The heavy doors in front of SHONA slide open. There’s another corridor with a closed door at the end.

SHONA:
I need the toilet!

WOMAN 3:
No, you don't. We're monitoring your bodily functions.

SHONA:
'And how are you monitoring THAT? Cos that's rude!' That is...perverted.

MAN:
Do you remember my briefing, Shona?

SHONA:
Yeah. Well, no. I remember some of it. (walks slowly down the corridor)

WOMAN 2:
Some of it?

WOMAN 3:
How much?

SHONA:
Till he put his hand on my knee. 'And then I was just grossing.'

MAN:
(turns to others) It was intended as a comfort!

WOMAN 3:
For whom?

SHONA:
'All I could see was his nose, with all the little hairs coming out of it.' Have you seen those? It's like he's got insects trapped up there, all trying to escape, with their wee, wiggly legs. (wiggles her fingers)

WOMAN 2:
OK. Let's just go through this again. 'There are four sleepers inside the infirmary. 'You're fine, so long as they don't wake up.

SHONA stops outside the closed door.

WOMAN 3:
She's in range.

WOMAN 2:
Shona, I'm unsealing the infirmary. (flicks a switch on panel) 'From now on, everything you think and feel, 'everything you see, will be available to them.' Most of it's fine, like traffic noise when you're sleeping. So long as you don't think about them. So long as you don't look at them. So don't think about them... Don't look at them.

The door slides open and it looks like a typical infirmary. Three of the beds are occupied, sheets pulled all the way up, covering the patients.

SHONA:
I thought there was going to be music.

WOMAN 3:
We've got your playlist, ready to go.

WOMAN 2:
Focus on the words of the song, try to remember what comes next. 'That will work like interference.

WOMAN 3:
Here comes your earworm.'

WOMAN 3 presses a few buttons and “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade plays.

WOMAN 2:
Keep your eyes on the floor. 'Shut them where possible.' Focus on the music and move forward through the infirmary.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. BASE, INFIRMARY

SHONA walks forward into the infirmary, swaying to the music as she does. She begins to dance and hum as she gets into the song. The doors close behind her.

WOMAN 3:
Oh, dear Lord, she's not actually...

WOMAN 2:
If dancing works, it works.

MAN:
This is insane!

They continue to watch SHONA from the control room.

WOMAN 2:
This is working!

SHONA gets her whole body into the dance as she moves across the infirmary floor. She barely notices when a door marked “WARNING Exterior Door Low Temperature Beyond This Point” opens.

SHONA:
Argh! Argh!

WOMAN 2:
Shona? Shona, what's wrong?

SHONA:
We've, we've got ghosts!

WOMAN 2:
'Ghosts?!'

SHONA:
Yeah, yeah, it's a skeleton man and a girl in a nightie!

The DOCTOR and CLARA enter the infirmary. CLARA is wearing boots and a jacket. We can see the TARDIS behind them in the snow. The DOCTOR and CLARA look at the patients in the beds. Those in the control room watch everything.

CLARA:
Doctor?

SHONA:
No, no, you're making me think about them, don't make me think about them! (shuts her eyes and clamps her hands to her head)

CLARA:
What are they?

The patients rise up in their beds.

SHONA:
Look, just don't ask, yeah? And don't look. Don't make me think about them!

The sheets fall from the patients and we see they have no face – or something is covering them. The DOCTOR scans one with the sonic.

DOCTOR:
Deaf. Blind. How can they see us? How do they even know that we're here?

SHONA:
They can only see you, yeah, if you see them. So just don't look, don't even think about them!

DOCTOR:
Oh, telepathic! They can home in on their own image in someone else's brain. Third-party perception. Mind piracy. (goes to CLARA) We're being hacked.

CLARA:
What does that even mean?

The patients are now standing beside their beds.

DOCTOR:
The visual input from your optic nerve is being streamed to their brains. Stop broadcasting. Close your eyes!

The DOCTOR and CLARA close their eyes. The image of the “faces” stretch and morph. There is a chirruping sound. They keep walking towards CLARA and the DOCTOR.

CLARA:
They're still coming, aren't they?

DOCTOR:
It's because you're still thinking about them. So long as you retain them as an active memory, they can still home in. Think about something else.

CLARA:
How?!

SHONA:
(sings) “So here it is, Merry Christmas...”

CLARA:
Why is she singing?!

SHONA:
(sings) “Everybody's having fun...”

DOCTOR:
She's running interference. She's trying to distract herself. 304 minus 17.

CLARA:
Sorry, what?

DOCTOR:
Plus 20 - just do it!

CLARA:
507!

A crack opens on the “face” of one of the patients and it looks like a slimy mouth.

DOCTOR:
Minus 14, times four.

The mouth opens wider.

CLARA:
1,972.

DOCTOR:
Stop being so good at arithmetic!

The mouths open and we can see human faces underneath.

CLARA:
I can't help it!

DOCTOR:
Danny Pink! What's Danny Pink up to right now? Probably flirting with your neighbour or texting women of low moral character.

As the DOCTOR speaks, CLARA flashes on images of Danny. She slaps him in the face with eyes wide open. The mouths close. The creatures remain still as they stand in a circle around CLARA and the DOCTOR.

CLARA:
(harsh whisper) Don't you dare. Don't you dare say that.

DOCTOR:
I was only...

CLARA:
Danny Pink is dead.

The chirruping resumes.

DOCTOR:
No, he's not.

CLARA:
He's dead.

The infirmary doors open and the others rush in with weapons aimed.

WOMAN 2:
Go, run, now, now, now!

CLARA runs and the DOCTOR helps SHONA.

DOCTOR:
Come on, quick, quick, come on!

Something resembling a spider lowers itself from the ceiling on a thread.

MAN:
Here they come!

Suddenly, there are creatures lowering themselves all around the room. The DOCTOR looks up and one falls towards his face.

DOCTOR:
No!

EXT. BASE

From a distance, we see an explosion.

INT. BASE, INFIRMARY

The exterior door in blown in. An orange rolls across the floor followed by Slinkys two-by-two and an army of toy robots. Everyone watches, stunned. Through the blown-open space, we see SANTA riding Rudolph. The reindeer rears up with a whinny.

SANTA:
Whoa, whoa! Ah! (dismounts) Good boy.

SANTA enters the infirmary followed by IAN – who carries a balloon toy - and WOLF carrying an air gun.

SANTA:
Well, now. What seems to be the problem? This is the North Pole. We don't want any trouble here.

Outside, Rudolph brays.

SANTA:
Rudolph? (uses a fob to remotely “lock” the reindeer with a beep) Easy, son. (to patients) Oi! Sleepy heads! It's Christmas Eve, early to bed.

SANTA claps his hands and the patients go back to their beds. The DOCTOR watches them carefully.

WOMAN 2:
Who the hell are you?

DOCTOR:
Oh, take a guess, go on. Push the boat out! Tooth Fairy, maybe? Easter Bunny?

IAN:
(rounds on the DOCTOR brandishing balloon) Shut your mouth, wise guy, or you get yours!

WOLF:
It's a balloon animal.

IAN:
That's a toy gun.

WOLF:
Yeah, well, at least it's unsuitable for children under four! Parts small enough to swallow. So watch out.

SANTA sighs.

SHONA:
This is ridiculous. Am I dreaming?

DOCTOR:
Oh, very good!

WOMAN 2:
I need to know exactly who you are, and what's happening here.

SANTA:
Hello, Ashley. Lead scientist on a polar expedition! That microscope really paid off, didn't it? Now, your mum and dad wanted me to get you a toy one, but sometimes, I take a chance.

ASHLEY:
Who are you? Why are you dressed like... that?

SANTA:
Why do you think?

SHONA:
Come on, this is mental! This is totally not happening.

SANTA:
I got three words, Shona. Don't make me use 'em.

SHONA:
What three words?

SANTA:
(counts on fingers) My. Little. Pony.

SHONA:
Shut up, you!

SANTA:
Yeah? I've got lots more, babe.

SHONA:
(holds hands out like claws) I will mark you, Santa!

CLARA:
OK, Doctor, are you going to explain? What is going on?

SANTA:
It's an invasion, Miss Oswald.

CLARA:
An invasion of what, elves?

WOLF:
Whoa! (points at CLARA) THAT is racist.

IAN:
Elfist!

WOLF:
Which is a bit hypocritical, from someone of your height.

CLARA wraps her parka closer. SANTA comes back from outside with one of the creatures in a clear container. The DOCTOR is standing apart from the others, watching.

SANTA:
Huh? You seen them before, Doctor?

DOCTOR:
I've heard of them.

SANTA:
The Kantrofarri. (gives container to the DOCTOR)

DOCTOR:
(studies creature) Colloquially known as the Dream Crabs.

SANTA:
Yeah. Depending on how many of those are already on Earth, the human race may well have seen its last day. So, are we going to stand about arguing about whether I'm real or not, or are we going to get busy saving Christmas?

IAN:
Oh-ho-ho! Santa goes badass!

WOLF:
He's giving me the feels.

SANTA:
Shut up! That's a... that's a verbal warning. Please, stop it.

INT. BASE, LAB

Sometime later, the DOCTOR is examining the Dram Crab still in the container. ASHLEY is peering at it from the other side.

CLARA:
Is it dead?

DOCTOR:
I don't know. Possibly.

ASHLEY:
I'm assuming extra-terrestrial.

DOCTOR:
Oh, definitely.

ASHLEY:
Then how can you have heard of these things?

DOCTOR:
Guess.

ASHLEY:
(straightens) Because you're extra-terrestrial, too?

DOCTOR:
Do you believe that?

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

In a small alcove, SHONA is interviewing SANTA and the two elves. SANTA has a mug of something hot in his hand.

SHONA:
If you are Santa...

SANTA:
Mm-hmm.

SHONA:
…what are you doing here?

SANTA:
It's the North Pole. And I own it.

IAN:
He means the actual pole.

WOLF:
It goes right through the middle of the workshop.

IAN:
I've got a selfie with it! (shows photo on his mobile)

WOLF:
Show her. Look at Ian!

SHONA:
The North Pole isn't an actual pole.

IAN:
Of course it is. Look.

SHONA:
If it was an actual pole, it would not be stripy.

WOLF:
It's got to be stripy!

IAN:
Otherwise, you couldn't see it moving ‘round.

WOLF:
It's actually basic physics.

INT. BASE, LAB

ASHLEY:
Why's it called a Dream Crab, for a start?

DOCTOR:
Theorise.

ASHLEY:
Because it generates a telepathic field.

DOCTOR:
And?

ASHLEY:
Alters perception.

DOCTOR:
Meaning?

ASHLEY:
I seem to be doing all the work here.

CLARA:
Meaning we can't trust anything that we see or hear.

DOCTOR:
Go to the window.

ASHLEY:
Why?

DOCTOR:
Because it gets worse.

ASHLEY looks out the window and sees the TARDIS.

ASHLEY:
What is that?

DOCTOR:
That's how Clara and I got here.

ASHLEY:
In a box?

DOCTOR:
Technically, in a telephone kiosk. (smiles widely)

ASHLEY:
(laughs) How?

DOCTOR:
Because it's a spaceship in disguise. You know what the big problem is, in telling fantasy and reality apart?

ASHLEY:
What?

DOCTOR:
They're both ridiculous.

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

SHONA:
It's Christmas Eve!

SANTA:
Yeah. You don't have to tell me that.

SHONA:
Then why aren't you out delivering presents?

SANTA:
Technically I am.

SHONA:
Well, you're not. You're stood right there.

SANTA:
Oh, Shona, grow up, love!

IAN:
Yeah, do the math, baby.

SANTA:
There's not just one Santa delivery team. How could there be? There are 526,403,012 children all expecting presents before tomorrow morning. So, that's 22 million children per hour! It's impossible! Obviously, I've got a second sledge. (takes a sip of drink)

INT. BASE, LAB

CLARA:
So we don't know what is real and what isn't?

DOCTOR:
Exactly.

CLARA:
Are we in danger?

DOCTOR:
Oh, we are well way past danger, Clara. If I'm right, and I usually am, we're dying.

ASHLEY:
Then how do we stay alive?

DOCTOR:
I like you. Straight to the point. I want you to show me how you first encountered those creatures, and what happened to those people in the infirmary. I notice you all wear mini-cams. So I assume there is footage.

ASHLEY:
Is it possible I'm about to work with someone who might be a dream?

DOCTOR:
If it helps, so am I.

ASHLEY:
(slaps table) We have footage on the drives. I'll see what I can pull up. (starts to walk away)

DOCTOR:
Ashley? What's this polar base for? Why are you all here?

ASHLEY:
It's a long story. (leaves)

CLARA:
What you said about Danny... Unacceptable.

DOCTOR:
(walks to CLARA) I know. I had to flood your mind with random emotion.

CLARA:
Random?!

DOCTOR:
You never told me he was dead. You said he made it back.

CLARA:
I lied. I lied, so you'd go home to Gallifrey instead of fussing about me.

DOCTOR:
I never found Gallifrey. I lied so you'd stay with Danny.

CLARA looks at the DOCTOR before walking away. The DOCTOR stays where he is, giving her a moment.

CLARA:
So we're dying, then?

DOCTOR:
Yes. (hurries over)

CLARA:
Why?

DOCTOR:
Oh, complicated.

They face each other across the table.

CLARA:
How long do we have?

DOCTOR:
No idea.

CLARA:
Just... Doctor, give me something to do.

DOCTOR:
Trust nothing. Accept nothing you see. Whatever happens, interrogate everything.

CLARA:
In case it's a lie?

DOCTOR:
In case it's a lie.

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

SHONA:
Reindeer can't fly. They just can't.

SANTA:
No, no, they can't. It's a scientific impossibility. That is why I feed mine magic carrots. (sips)

The two elves smile as she walks away. The DOCTOR enters with CLARA.

DOCTOR:
You all right?

SHONA:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to talk sense into Beardy-Weirdy.

DOCTOR:
You don't seem much like a scientist.

SHONA:
That's a bit rude, coming from a magician!

DOCTOR:
Why are you out here? What brought you to the North Pole?

SHONA:
Long story, isn't it?

DOCTOR:
You missed the killer question.

SHONA:
Sorry, what?

DOCTOR:
(to SANTA) Beardy-Weirdy.

SANTA:
Yeah?

DOCTOR:
How do you get all the presents in the sleigh?

SANTA:
It's bigger on the inside.

WOLF:
Ooh!

ASHLEY comes over.

ASHLEY:
Doctor?

He turns around and she nods towards for him to follow. He passes the MAN eating a fat turkey leg. CLARA leans on the bank of instruments next to him.

MAN:
Sorry, starving.

The DOCTOR stands next to WOMAN 3 by one of the monitors.

DOCTOR:
What am I looking at?

WOMAN 3:
Footage from a week ago. A side expedition from our main mission.

DOCTOR:
What is your main mission?

WOMAN 3:
Long story. Ice cave directly beneath this base. (hits keys on the panel) Now, look at what we found.

The screen now shows Dream Crabs hanging on the ceiling.

WOMAN 3:
Dormant at first.

DOCTOR:
Until you looked at them too long. Till you thought about them.

WOMAN 3:
Exactly.

DOCTOR:
Sleeping. Probably been down there for centuries.

CLARA:
And it wakes up when you think about it?

INT. BASE, LAB

The Dream Crab in the container twitches.

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

DOCTOR:
They can detect their own mental picture in any nearby mind.

ASHLEY:
That's Bellows' theory.

BELLOWS:
It's like it responds to the presence of any data concerning itself.

DOCTOR:
That was always the legend. You think about a Dream Crab, a Dream Crab is coming for you.

INT. BASE, LAB

The Dream Crab continues to twitch until the container falls off the table and breaks.

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

MAN:
(points with turkey leg) This is where it gets really nasty.

CLARA:
Only now?

The playback shows a Dream Crab falling onto the head-cam lense and the picture is lost to static.

DOCTOR:
OK. Then what?

BELLOWS presses another button and we are now seeing the infirmary. A patient is lying there with the crab over its face.

MAN:
They're a bit like Facehuggers, aren't they?

The DOCTOR and BELLOWS turn to face him.

DOCTOR:
Facehuggers?

MAN:
You know, “Alien”. The horror movie, “Alien”.

DOCTOR:
There's a horror movie called Alien? That's really offensive. No wonder everyone keeps invading you.

BELLOWS:
First, they just slept. Couple of days, just lying there.

DOCTOR:
And then they became aggressive?

ASHLEY:
If we got close enough, yeah.

DOCTOR:
It would take the Dream Crab a little while to take control. Depends how much of the host brain was...

ASHLEY:
Was what?

DOCTOR:
Digested.

ASHLEY:
Are they still alive under those things?

DOCTOR:
Depends what you call alive.

ASHLEY:
Are they suffering?

DOCTOR:
No, no, no. The Dream Crab induces a dream state. Keeps you happy and relaxed, in a perfectly realised dream world, as you dissolve. Merciful, I suppose.

MAN:
Compared to what?

DOCTOR:
Compared to that turkey leg you keep eating. Could you rewind? I'd like to see them dormant again. Clara, could you fetch me the dead one?

CLARA:
Maybe I could fetch you a cup of tea while I'm at it(!)

DOCTOR:
Ooh. Yes, and a punch in the face, too.

CLARA:
My very next suggestion.

DOCTOR:
Fair enough.

CLARA leaves.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

CLARA walks down the corridor and arrives at the lab.

INT. BASE, LAB

Glass crunches under CLARA’S feet. She realizes the container is missing. She turns towards the corridor.

CLARA:
Doctor?

She then sees pieces of the container and crawls under the table to pick it up. The crab lowers itself from the ceiling. CLARA hears it and backs away from the piece of glass with a gasp.

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

The DOCTOR turns from the monitor to ASHLEY.

ASHLEY:
What's wrong?

DOCTOR:
We're thinking about it. Clara! (runs from the room)

INT. BASE, LAB

CLARA is sitting under the table, legs hugged to her chest, eyes shut, rocking slightly as she tries to distract herself.

CLARA:
100 minus 42 is 58 times 3 is 174 minus 32 is 142 divided by 7 is 20 and, and, and a bit. Think about something else, think about something else. Danny Pink, Danny, Danny. Danny Pink, I love you and I'll never see you again, and I'm sorry.

We see the crab through the slats of the table above CLARA.

CLARA:
I'm sorry, I lied. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

CLARA keeps repeating “I’m sorry” as she looks up and sees the crab. A trail of slime dribbles down between the cracks and lands on her arm. She screams and the crab breaks the table top apart to have better access. She screams again and then…

INT. HOUSE, BEDROOM, MORNING

CLARA wakes up in her own bed and looks around, surprised. The door opens and a man in a Santa suit enters.

MAN:
Ho-ho-ho!

CLARA:
Who are you?

MAN:
What do you mean, who am I? Who do you think I am? (pulls down beard)

CLARA:
Danny?

DANNY:
Merry Christmas! Come on!

CLARA:
Come on where?

DANNY:
Downstairs.

CLARA:
Why?

DANNY:
Well, you know what day it is!

CLARA:
(looks around) What day is it?

DANNY:
(sarcastic) Easter. It's Easter Day. That's why I'm dressed like this, I'm Father Easter.

CLARA:
Is that a thing?

DANNY:
No, because it's Christmas!

CLARA:
Oh! Well, you've made me want chocolate now.

DANNY:
Good. Come on, you. Out of bed, downstairs. (takes her by the hand and helps her from bed) I have surprises.

CLARA:
Tickets for the Indian Orient Express. That painting we saw in Paris, and permission to own a cat.

DANNY:
How did you know?

CLARA:
Because those are exactly the things I want and you are too clever ever to be wrong.

DANNY:
How do you make you clever into me being clever?

CLARA:
I always protect your ego from the truth.

DANNY:
Oh, thank you for that!

CLARA:
It's Christmas.

DANNY:
Hurry up, then! (runs from the room)

CLARA walks after DANNY

INT. HOUSE, HALL, MORNING

CLARA walks slowly down the hall as DANNY goes downstairs. She pauses and turns back to see a blackboard that wasn’t there before. On it is written “CLARA!!”

CLARA:
Danny?

DANNY pauses on the stairs.

CLARA:
Whose blackboard is that?

DANNY:
What blackboard? Are you coming?

CLARA peers at chalkboard before turning to answer DANNY.

CLARA:
Yeah, just a moment...!

She looks back and it now reads “DREAMING!!”

DANNY:
Clara?

CLARA:
Coming!

CLARA doesn’t move but keeps looking at the blackboard. She tries to erase it but it changes to “DYING!”

DANNY:
Clara!

CLARA:
Yeah. Just a minute.

She goes to erase again and it changes to “YOU” then “ARE” then “DYING”. The DOCTOR’S voice echoes “Dying!” She turns around and there are blackboards lining the hall with “Dying!” written all over them. She walks down the hall.

DOCTOR:
(distorted) 'Clara! Clara!'

CLARA closes her eyes and the voice goes away. She looks back and the hall is back to normal. She sighs and smiles.

DANNY:
Well, come on then. You don't know what I'm wearing underneath this Santa outfit!

CLARA:
(goes down the stairs) Your pyjamas. You're too shy to wear less than two layers.

DANNY:
You could have used your imagination.

CLARA:
Yeah, I generally have to.

CLARA bounds down the stairs after DANNY and doesn’t see the blackboard that appears on the wall behind her. “CLARA!!”

DOCTOR:
(echoes) 'Clara!'

INT. BASE, LAB

CLARA is prone under the table, a Dream Crab on her face. The DOCTOR is holding her hand kneeling beside her. The others are scattered about the room.

DOCTOR:
Clara, you're dreaming. You're dying. Can you hear me? Clara?

ASHLEY:
We did try to waken the others. No stimulus worked.

DOCTOR:
OK, we kill it. (stands) We find a way to kill it and we get it off her. How do we kill it?

ASHLEY:
There's no way to kill it without killing your friend, too. And as a scientist, may I just say, I don't like the way you're talking.

DOCTOR:
Santa! (goes to him) In the infirmary, you told the sleepers to go to bed, and they obeyed you.

SANTA:
Sorry, doesn't mean I can get that creature off her.

DOCTOR:
But you can get back in there unharmed.

SHONA:
What?! You're asking Santa for help? He doesn't exist!

DOCTOR:
And how would you know that? How did you become an expert on what does and doesn't exist?

The DOCTOR kneels beside CLARA and takes her hand again.

SANTA:
I can commit several million housebreaks in one night, dressed in a red suit with jingle bells, so of course I can get back into the infirmary.

DOCTOR:
Good. Because there's only one way that I can communicate with Clara.

INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

CLARA and DANNY are curled up on the couch by firelight. There are fairy lights throughout the room. As they kiss, there is a knock on the door.

DANNY:
Your dad?

CLARA:
Going by the timing, I'd say so. If you let him anywhere near the subject of golf, I will do a thing, and it will not be a good thing.

DANNY:
Um, aren't we giving him golf clubs?

CLARA:
(gets up) And I'm prepared to use them! (chuckles)

DANNY sighs contentedly. CLARA opens the door. It’s the DOCTOR.

DOCTOR:
Hi.

CLARA:
Hi.

The DOCTOR looks around the house.

CLARA:
Doctor?

DOCTOR:
It's not real, Clara. You know it's not real. It's a dream, and it's killing you.

CLARA:
(sarcastic) Merry Christmas! (heads back into the room)

The DOCTOR closes the door behind him and follows CLARA.

CLARA:
You remember Danny, of course.

DOCTOR:
Not as well as you, clearly. You've made him a fraction taller. Merry Christmas, PE.

DANNY stands.

DANNY:
Compliments of the season, sir!

DOCTOR:
Dialogue's pretty good, too. Nice work. It's all in the detail.

CLARA:
Just stop it.

DOCTOR:
He's not real, Clara. None of this is real. What's real is that there is an alien organism wrapped around your face, keeping you warm and happy, while it eats you.

DANNY:
(holds up plate of mini pies) Mince pie, anyone?

DOCTOR:
You're dying.

CLARA:
If this is a dream, how can you be here? How can we both be having the same dream?

DOCTOR:
There was only one way to get to you.

CLARA:
And what was that?

DOCTOR:
I'm dying, too.

INT. BASE, LAB

The DOCTOR is lying on the ground next to CLARA, a Dream Crab on his face. ASHLEY is kneeling next to him.

ASHLEY:
Have we just killed him? Have we just made it worse?

SANTA:
He thinks he can join the dream, get her out. Have a little faith.

INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

CLARA:
You just wake up. Just leave me here, please.

DOCTOR:
You have a pain right here. (puts a finger against her temple) It's like an ice cream pain, but gentle. Do you know what that is? The skin and bone have been parted, probably half an inch, (removes finger) and something has pushed right into the soft tissue of your brain and is very slowly dissolving it. I want you to picture it this way. Somebody has put a straw right through your skull and is drinking you. You should be screaming with agony, but there's anaesthetic. Everything around you right now - even Danny, especially Danny, that's the anaesthetic.

DANNY:
Why are you doing this? Why are you saying all that?

DOCTOR:
Because it's true! (to CLARA) How long do you think you've been here?

CLARA:
All day.

DOCTOR:
No, no, no, no. Barely five minutes. Because dream time goes faster. Because this isn't real. (walks to DANNY pointing) Danny isn't real. Danny Pink died saving the world.

DANNY:
I really didn't.

DOCTOR:
I'm sorry. I thought there was a way back for him, but I was wrong, I can't change that, he's dead.

DANNY:
(walks closer) I didn't die saving the world, Doctor, I died saving Clara. The rest of you just got lucky. How long has she got?

DOCTOR:
Minutes, till it's irreversible.

DANNY:
Well, then, get out the way.

The DOCTOR move aside and DANNY walks up to CLARA.

DANNY:
I'm a dream and you know I am, right?

CLARA nods, eyes tearing.

DANNY:
Right, one thing. But it's important. It's a very important thing. That is totally how you guessed all my presents.

CLARA laughs and plays with the front of his Santa coat.

CLARA:
I miss you.

DANNY:
Five minutes.

CLARA:
What?

DANNY:
You can miss me for five minutes a day. And you'd better do it properly. You'd better be sad. I expect my five. But all the rest of the time, Clara, all the rest of the time, every single second, you just get the hell on with it. Clear?

CLARA:
Don't you soldier me!

DANNY:
Do as you're told.

DOCTOR:
Brave.

DANNY:
Dead already. How does she wake up?

DOCTOR:
I don't know. Just try. Accept this isn't real, and try.

DANNY:
Do it. For me.

CLARA:
(crying) When I wake up, you won't be there.

DANNY:
Do you know why people get together at Christmas? Because every time they do, it might be the last time. Every Christmas is last Christmas. And this is ours. This was a bonus. This is extra. But now it's time to wake up.

CLARA and DANNY kiss.

INT. BASE, LAB

The Crab falls off the DOCTOR’S face and he awakes with a cry as he sits up. The other falls from CLARA and she gasps for air.

DOCTOR:
Clara? Clara, look at me, Clara! Clara! Breathe, breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

CLARA looks at him and breathes deep, calming down. The crabs writhe on their backs before turning to dust. The team cleans up, putting pieces of the crab carapace into a specimen jar as the DOCTOR and CLARA watch.

BELLOWS:
So these creatures - when their feeding goes wrong, they die?

CLARA goes to a small mirror over the sink and looks for the hole in the side of her head.

DOCTOR:
The carnivore's hazard. Food has teeth too. (to CLARA) You OK?

CLARA:
No.

DOCTOR:
Good. There are some things we should never be OK about.

CLARA:
(walks over to the DOCTOR) There doesn't seem to be a wound.

DOCTOR:
No. And the pain's still there, isn't it?

SHONA:
Is it the ice cream pain? Just here? (rubs the side of her head) Cos I've got that.

BELLOWS:
It's the cold, I think. Some sort of reaction.

DOCTOR:
But only on one side, just that spot there. Doesn't that strike you as odd?

MAN:
Well, we've all got it.

CLARA:
OK. So why do we all have that pain?

DOCTOR:
Theorise.

CLARA:
Don't treat me like a beginner! I was dreaming, then I woke up, I know that.

DOCTOR:
Do you? And have you ever woken up from a dream and discovered you're still dreaming? Dreams within dreams - dream states nested inside each other. All perfectly possible. Especially when we are dealing with creatures who have weaponised our dreams against us.

BELLOWS:
I don't know about anybody else, but I'm pretty certain I'm awake right now.

DOCTOR:
Which is odd, when you think about it.

ASHLEY:
Odd?

DOCTOR:
Impossible, in fact. How can any of us be awake?

SHONA:
I don't understand.

DOCTOR:
Remember how we all first met? In the infirmary?

<<>>

The infirmary doors open and the others rush in with weapons aimed.

ASHLEY:
Go, run, now, now, now!

CLARA runs and the DOCTOR helps SHONA.

<<>>

DOCTOR:
Those creatures coming down from the ceiling, attacking us.

<<>>

MAN:
Here they come!

Suddenly, there are creatures lowering themselves all around the room. The DOCTOR looks up and one falls towards his face.

<<>>

DOCTOR:
We never stood a chance. How did we survive that?

SHONA:
Well, w-we were rescued.

DOCTOR:
(points and walks forward) Yeah, we were rescued. And who was it that rescued us?

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

SANTA is on his mobile.

SANTA:
No, no, no, I need you to do the east coast right now. Well, otherwise you'll be delivering to the islands in broad daylight.

The others enter the room quietly.

SANTA:
Yeah, listen...Please try and remember that our mugshots are on every Christmas card. Yeah, just get it done, head towards the northern lights. Yes, I remembered to switch them on!

SANTA is aware of them and moves into the alcove to continue without interruption. The DOCTOR goes over to a bookshelf and pulls off some thick paperbacks.

DOCTOR:
The Helman-Ziegler test - the only reliable dream test that I know. Your base manual. I take it none of you have memorised this.

SHONA:
(raises hand) I haven't, I haven't read it.

DOCTOR:
(passes out the manuals) These books should be identical in the real world. But as they don't exist in your memory, in a dream, they can't be. Agreed? Clara, give me any two-digit number.

CLARA:
57.

DOCTOR:
All right, all of you, turn to page 57 and look at the very first word. Right, when I point at you. (points)

ASHLEY:
Isotope.

The DOCTOR points at BELLOWS and she hesitates.

DOCTOR:
Well?

BELLOWS:
Extremely.

MAN:
Inside.

SHONA:
Chocolate. Why did I get chocolate, what's that about?

MAN:
This can't be right. We must have got it wrong, that's all.

DOCTOR:
Well, we'll do it again. Clara?

CLARA:
24.

DOCTOR:
24.

ASHLEY:
We.

BELLOWS:
Are.

MAN:
All.

DOCTOR:
Shona?

SHONA:
Dead.

ASHLEY:
Since the attack in the infirmary, nothing has been real?

DOCTOR:
The attack is still going on. This is it!

MAN:
We've been dreaming since then?

SANTA returns with IAN and WOLF.

SANTA:
Oh, for Easter's sake! Of course you've been dreaming! Haven't you been paying attention?

IAN:
Rudolph - did you see the nose?

WOLF:
The North Pole? Come on, with stripes?!

IAN:
This...

WOLF:
is...

TRIO:
…a dream!

SANTA:
(walks forward) How much more obvious do you want me to make it? Because I can text the Easter Bunny, you know.

DOCTOR:
Seriously? You're trying to help?

SANTA:
As you stand here, chatting, chatting, your lives are ending. Unless you wake up, unless you free yourselves from these dreadful creatures, they're going to destroy you.

SHONA:
You're a dream who's trying to save us?

SANTA:
Shona, sweetheart, I'm Santa Claus. I think you just defined me!

DOCTOR:
(walks around) This makes perfect sense. The Dream Crab tries to make the dream as real as possible to trap you inside it. It creates dreams within dreams so you can never be sure if you are really awake. But your brain knows something is wrong. Your subconscious fights back. THIS is your mind, trying to tell you this isn't real.

SANTA:
So it gives you me, Sweet Papa Chrimbo!

IAN:
It gives you comedy elves, flying reindeer.

DOCTOR:
Exactly!

SANTA:
A time-travelling scientist dressed as a magician.

IAN:
Classic!

DOCTOR:
No, no, no. hang on. No, no, no, no.

WOLF:
Living in a phone box.

DOCTOR:
(defensive) It's a spaceship in disguise!

SANTA:
You see how none of this makes any sense?

DOCTOR:
Shut up, Santa!

SANTA:
I've watched over you all your lives. I've taken care of you from Christmas to Christmas.

BELLOWS:
But you're not real!

SANTA:
And yet, that never stopped me. All of you, come near. Come here, come on! Join hands.

DOCTOR:
No, look, we don't need all this touchy-feely stuff.

SANTA:
Shut up, Doctor!

The DOCTOR huffs and walks away.

SANTA:
Join hands. Come on, concentrate.

BELLOWS:
Why?

SANTA:
You are deep inside this dream, all right, and it is a shared mental state, so it is drawing power from the multi-consciousness gestalt which has now formed telepathically...

DOCTOR:
(walks back to SANTA) No, no, no. Line in the sand. Santa Claus does not do the scientific explanation!

SANTA:
All right. As the Doctor might say, (deep Scottish accent) "Aw, it's all a bit dreamy-weamy!"

DOCTOR:
Why don't you just go and make a naughty list?

SANTA:
I have, mate, and you're on it!

DOCTOR:
Don't give me that. Look, you're supposed to be warm and friendly and cheerful!

SANTA:
Oh, yeah! Look at your great bedside manner!

DOCTOR:
Don't be so hostile!

CLARA:
Doctor, behave!

ASHLEY:
This is very sweet. But right now I have an alien life form wrapped around my face, and apparently it's digesting my brain. When you speak, how do I know it's not the Dream Crab?

SANTA:
Ooh, good question. Spoken like a scientist. (claps)

CLARA:
Can I put it another way? Why would the part of our brain that is trying to keep all of us alive choose you for a face?

SANTA:
Is anyone else asking that?

SHONA:
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All of us. All of us. Why you?

SANTA:
Well... (stands by elves) It's the North Pole, it's Christmas Day. You're dying. Who you gonna call? Just one last time, huh? One last Christmas, as if your lives depended on it. Please! Ho-ho-ho! Believe in Santa!

The members of the base shrug and put down the manuals. CLARA walks over to the DOCTOR.

DOCTOR:
I'm not very good with this holdy-hand thing.

CLARA:
Tough. (takes his hand and pulls him to the circle)

DOCTOR:
I WILL hold Clara's hand, but that's it.

CLARA:
Shona, take his hand.

SHONA grabs the DOCTOR’S hand as he tries to pull it away.

DOCTOR:
No, I'm fine, I'm fine. This is very Christmassy, isn't it?

ASHLEY:
OK, so what do we...?

SANTA, IAN and WOLF are gone.

BELLOWS:
Where did he go?

DOCTOR:
We're waking up. That part of the dream is over. We're on our own now.

MAN:
Well, then. What do we do?

DOCTOR:
That pain in your head. Make it worse. Head towards it.

ASHLEY:
So when we wake up, what do we expect?

DOCTOR:
Only a few moments will have passed at the most. The attack is still in progress.

SHONA:
(bounces nervously) I'm scared.

DOCTOR:
Congratulations. That means you're not an idiot.

CLARA:
It's not like the last time.

DOCTOR:
Last time wasn't real.

ASHLEY:
Good luck. Stay calm. And God bless us, everyone.

The light shines brightly and then

INT. BASE, INFIRMARY

A Dream Crab falls from the DOCTOR’S face and he gasps. The Sleepers writhe jerkily. Crabs fall from CLARA and the scientists. The crabs on the floor turn to dust.

DOCTOR:
Run!

Everyone heads for the door but one of the Sleepers grabs CLARA by the arm.

DOCTOR:
Clara!

CLARA:
Doctor!

The DOCTOR and the MAN pull at CLARA to free her. The maw of the Sleeper opens and we see what could be a face inside. Finally, she is pulled free.

ASHLEY:
Out, out, now! NOW!

ASHLEY closes the door as soon as everyone is through.

INT. BASE, CORRIDOR

One of the Sleepers reaches a hand through the gap. BELLOWS hits it with the butt of her gun until it is forced out and the doors close completely.

DOCTOR:
Everyone all right?

They nod.

DOCTOR:
Good. Bye. (walks away)

CLARA:
Sorry, I'll just go and... (follows the DOCTOR)

DOCTOR:
No need for chatting, you'll only get attached. This isn't Facebook.

EXT. BASE

The DOCTOR opens the exterior door and walks to the TARDIS. CLARA follows to try and talk him into going back.

CLARA:
Uh... what about the Dream Crabs?

DOCTOR:
Oh, they're fine.

CLARA:
And the people that they're eating?

DOCTOR:
Beyond help.

CLARA:
Doctor, the others are still in danger.

DOCTOR:
(stops) Only if they're stupid. There are polar bears on this ice cap. Am I supposed to do something about that, too?

CLARA:
We know Dream Crabs are still on Earth.

DOCTOR:
There are lots of dangerous things on this funny little planet of yours, Clara, most of which you eat. I'm the Doctor, not your mam! (walks on)

CLARA:
Doctor? If Santa was only in the dream, why was he on my roof?

DOCTOR:
(stops on threshold of TARDIS) Four! Four patients. Four manuals. Hurry! (closes door and runs past CLARA) Do you know what I hate about the obvious?

CLARA:
What?

DOCTOR:
Missing it!

CLARA runs after him as he opens the door.

INT. BASE, CONTROL ROOM

On a monitor, we see the Sleepers are back in their beds. The DOCTOR hurries in followed by CLARA.

DOCTOR:
As you were, no saluting. Are you the same people as before?

CLARA:
Of course they are!

DOCTOR:
Sorry, I deleted you.

SHONA:
Well, that's not a very nice attitude, is it?

DOCTOR:
(grabs manuals) Four manuals, yes?

ASHLEY:
Yes, why?

DOCTOR:
One each.

MAN:
One each, yes. What's the problem?

DOCTOR:
The problem is, you can't see the problem. For instance, you, gobby one. (throws her a manual)

SHONA:
(stands) I have a name, actually.

DOCTOR:
Doesn't matter, I don't need it. When we first met you in the infirmary, what were you doing?

SHONA:
It's a long story.

DOCTOR:
Uptight boss one. (throws her a manual) What is the primary mission of this polar base?

ASHLEY:
It's a long story.

DOCTOR:
Sexy one, (throws her a manual) what brings you to the North Pole at your age?

BELLOWS:
It's a long... story.

The DOCTOR tosses the last manual to the MAN.

CLARA:
OK. Why are they all giving the same answer, because that is a tiny bit freaky.

DOCTOR:
You think that's freaky? Try this. We were in the TARDIS - why did WE come here?

CLARA:
It's a long story.

The DOCTOR looks at her as CLARA realizes what she said. She puts her hand to her mouth. The DOCTOR turns away.

CLARA:
Doctor?

DOCTOR:
Dreams, they're funny. They're disjointed, they're silly, they're full of... gaps. But you don't notice, because the dream protects itself. Stops you asking the right questions. For example, why do you have four manuals, one each, when you have a crew of eight? Or did you forget about your friends in the infirmary here?

MAN:
But we woke up!

DOCTOR:
Dreams within dreams, I warned you.

BELLOWS:
This isn't a dream. I know it isn't.

DOCTOR:
No-one knows they're not dreaming. Not one of us. Not ever. Not for one single moment of our lives. Clara? Page number. Make it a good one.

CLARA:
12.

ASHLEY:
Very.

MAN:
Very.

BELLOWS:
Very.

SHONA:
Dead.

DOCTOR:
And who's going to be the first to admit it?

ASHLEY:
Admit what?

DOCTOR:
That the pain is still there.

SHONA:
Actually, I think it's getting worse.

They all put a hand to the right side of their head.

DOCTOR:
Yes, there is an alien organism in your brain, eating it. Of course it's getting worse.

CLARA:
Doctor? (moves to the monitors) What are they doing?

DOCTOR:
(joins her) Factually, getting up. Significantly, sensing the endgame.

CLARA:
How?

ASHLEY:
I don't understand.

DOCTOR:
Well, look at them. Go on. Look at them. Look at them properly. Look who they are. They're you. The sleepers are you.

We see the nametags on the Sleepers.

SHONA:
How can they be us?

DOCTOR:
Because we're dreaming, all of us. This base isn't real. None of us are actually standing in the room. I'm probably asleep in my TARDIS. Clara, you must be in bed. God knows where the rest of you are, probably scattered all over the world. But wherever you are, the Dream Crabs have got us, and we're all being networked into the same nightmare.

The Sleepers walk towards the center of the room.

MAN:
What are they doing?

CLARA:
It's your subconscious again. The sleepers represent the part of your mind that's already surrendered to the attack. These are dream images of what's coming to kill you.

MAN:
(stands in front of monitor) That's me? That's actually me?

The Sleeper is standing facing the camera.

DOCTOR:
No, it's a metaphorical construct representing a psychic attack within a shared dreamscape. Do please keep up.

MAN:
But it's me!

DOCTOR:
Don't get too close.

MAN:
Why?

The Sleeper now has his hand on the camera and it looks like it’s trying to reach through.

DOCTOR:
Because this is a nightmare.

The MAN leans in closer to the monitor and is sucked through. CLARA and the DOCTOR are too late to grab him. The women reach out their hands towards the monitors where the remaining Sleepers are reaching through the monitors, stretching them outwards.

DOCTOR:
Look out! They're coming through! Out! Outside, now! Run, run, run, run! Run! Run, run, all of you, go. Run!

Everyone runs out, the DOCTOR in the rear. He turns around and sees the three Sleepers standing by the bank of monitors. He picks up a fire extinguisher and shoots the gas at them. They roar but stop advancing. He drops the extinguisher and runs outside.

EXT. BASE

Once outside the DOCTOR uses the sonic on the door. The others are huddled in parkas.

BELLOWS:
We'll freeze to death out here.

SHONA:
But it's just a dream.

DOCTOR:
This dream just killed your friend, start taking it seriously.

ASHLEY:
Where's Albert? Where's the professor?

DOCTOR:
He probably just woke up somewhere in the real world, dead. If we don't wake up now, we'll do the same.

CLARA:
But how?

DOCTOR:
I don't know.

There is a loud banging and they look to the door to the base. The Sleepers are punching the door and leaving massive dents. They back away. The DOCTOR turns his head and sees the TARDIS.

DOCTOR:
The TARDIS! Come on! Come on! (hurries to TARDIS)

CLARA:
Doctor, it's not the real TARDIS.

DOCTOR:
Well, let's hope that I dreamed it really well then.

Just as they reach the TARDIS, a Sleeper DOCTOR and CLARA step out.

CLARA:
It's us.

DOCTOR:
Of course it's us. We're dreaming too.

SHONA:
(points) Oh, my God...!

The number of Sleepers behind them has now tripled. They slowly advance.

BELLOWS:
How is that possible? How can there be so many?!

DOCTOR:
The logic of a nightmare.

ASHLEY lights a flare and walks around them in a circle, keeping the Sleepers at bay.

SHONA:
So, tell us how to wake up. Because you're always talking like you're so clever, going on and on. So tell us what to do!

DOCTOR:
We have to leave this place.

SHONA:
Leave it?

BELLOWS:
How?

DOCTOR:
Use your imagination.

BELLOWS:
Excuse me?

DOCTOR:
Dream yourselves home.

BELLOWS:
But how?

The creatures' mouths open slowly.

DOCTOR:
Come on, it's Christmas, the North Pole, who you gonna call?

They hear bells and look up to see a sleigh being pulled by only three reindeer - including Rudolph. The sleigh lands between the Sleepers and the group.

SANTA:
Hyahhh! Whoa! Whoa. Ahh...?! Get in the sleigh.

They climb into the sleigh; the DOCTOR sits next to SANTA, CLARA in the seat behind him and the three women in the back.

SANTA:
Fortunately, I know all your home addresses. Hyah!

The sleigh takes off leaving a multitude of Sleepers watching.

INT. SLEIGH

The women, including CLARA, look over the sides as the sleigh flies over the land.

CLARA:
So, what happens now?

SANTA:
Hyah!

CLARA:
This is us just waking up, right?

DOCTOR:
Could be. Well, I hope so. Waking up or...

CLARA:
Or?

DOCTOR:
Just focus on this. Do you believe in Santa Claus?

CLARA:
I've always believed in Santa Claus. But he looks a little different to me.

CLARA wraps her arms around the DOCTOR’S neck, and, after a shrug, just accepts it.

CLARA:
Look!

CLARA points down and we see London below them. CLARA releases her hug.

SANTA:
Hey. You want to take the reins, Doctor?

DOCTOR:
You're a dream construct, currently representing either my recovering or expiring mind.

SANTA:
Yes, but do you want a go?

DOCTOR:
Yeah. All right.

The DOCTOR takes the reins and they go into a bit of a dive and then dodge chimneys and taller buildings.

DOCTOR:
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

SANTA:
Easy! This way.

DOCTOR:
No, no, no! Oh, ho-ho! Ah!

SANTA:
Up a bit. Don't stop. There we go.

DOCTOR:
Look at me. Look... look at me!

They fly past the Palace of Westminster and around Elizabeth Tower just as Big Ben chimes midnight.

DOCTOR:
(standing) Look at me! I'm riding a sleigh. I'm riding a sleigh. Yippee yah-yay!

They all cheer and squeal, making noises like one does on a ride. The DOCTOR sits and hands the reins back to SANTA.

DOCTOR:
Oh. Maybe you could...

SANTA:
Yeah, yeah.

SHONA:
I work in a shop.

ASHLEY:
I'm sorry?

SHONA:
I thought I was a scientist. That's rubbish.

BELLOWS:
Finally, something that makes sense.

SHONA:
You're horrible, you.

ASHLEY:
Perfume.

SHONA:
What?

ASHLEY:
I'm an account manager for perfume. (to DOCTOR) Does this mean we're waking up?

DOCTOR:
(faces them) Possibly. With any luck, we'll all wake up in our proper times and places.

CLARA:
Proper times?

DOCTOR:
Well, we could all be from different time zones. Time travel is always possible in dreams.

SHONA:
We might not know each other? Not any of us?

ASHLEY:
No, possibly not.

SHONA:
Well, you know what we should do? We should swap numbers. We should have a reunion.

ASHLEY:
Bellows!

BELLOWS is gone.

INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

BELLOWS wakes with a start. The room is bright and snow is falling outside. A young GIRL enters the room.

GIRL:
Gran! Dinner's ready.

BELLOWS:
(fixes glasses) Yeah, sorry, I must have dozed off.

The GIRL leaves. BELLOWS gets ready to follow and is almost surprised to find herself in a wheelchair. She wheels out of the room, not noticing the small pile of dust of the floor.

INT. SLEIGH

SHONA:
Um, now I'm pretty sure I can remember my number so... if you memorise it then you text me, we can go for a curry...

DOCTOR:
The chances of you remembering any of this are very slim.

SHONA:
Well, don't say that. We'll remember, won't we, Ashley? Ashley?

ASHLEY is gone.

INT. BEDROOM

ASHLEY wakes with a start. A Dream Crab is on the pillow next to her. She screams and jumps out of bed as it dissolves.

INT. SLEIGH

SHONA:
Am I next? Is it me now?

CLARA:
Shona, you're going home. You're surviving.

SHONA:
Do you want to hang out sometime? We can just hang out.

CLARA:
Sure.

SHONA:
Santa, can I stay a bit longer?

SANTA looks back and SHONA is gone.

INT. FLAT

SHONA wakes up on her couch and sees the Dream Crab in its death throes on the floor. It then turns to dust.SHONA:
Gross!

She then picks up a list from the table that reads “Christmas Day Itinerary 1. DVD (Alien) 2. DVD (The thing from another world) 3. Dad comes ‘round. 4. DVD (Miracle on 34th Street.) 5. THRONES marathon. 6. Forgive Dave???” She takes a pen from the table and puts a check-mark next to number six.

INT. SLEIGH

CLARA:
(stands) It's a pity we have to wake up, really. It's not really something we do every day, is it?

SANTA:
No, no, strictly once a year.

DOCTOR:
We stay, we die, Clara.

CLARA:
You're always such a downer, Doctor.

The DOCTOR is gone.

???

The DOCTOR wakes up on the ground of some alien planet once the Dream Crab dies.

DOCTOR:
Clara! (runs into the TARDIS)

INT. SLEIGH

SANTA:
You really should be waking up, too, Clara.

CLARA:
Just a little longer.

SANTA:
Why?

CLARA:
(lays her head on SANTA’S shoulder) Every Christmas is last Christmas.

SANTA:
Hyah!

EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT

The TARDIS materializes.

INT. HOUSE, BEDROOM, NIGHT

The DOCTOR enters the bedroom while holding a specimen jar. A Dream Crab is still on her face.

DOCTOR:
Oh, Clara. Might have known that you would be the one to sleep in. OK. I tracked the psychic signal here. I'm pretty sure that I know how to do this now. One of the advantages of actually being awake. (uses the sonic on the crab) So, you just hold still. I've just got to zap the neural centres.

The DOCTOR zaps the crab in the spots near CLARA’S temples. He then grabs the crab and lifts it from her face.

DOCTOR:
The Dream Crabs must have got to me first then found you in my memory. (puts the crab in the container) The others were collateral damage. Well, good to see you properly at last. How long has it been? Clara...

CLARA:
Oh, you know, about 62 years. (she turns on light and we see she is an old woman) Doctor, (reaches out a hand and he helps her stand) I have missed you very much, you stupid old man. (hugs him and laughs)

DOCTOR:
I've missed you, too.

INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

The DOCTOR enters the room with a hat in each hand. There is a fire going and Christmas cards, lights and stockings hanging from the mantel. CLARA is sitting at the dining table.

DOCTOR:
These are Christmas hats, I've seen people use them. You put them on and absolutely anything seems funny.

CLARA:
Oh, probably won't work on you.

DOCTOR:
Probably not. You want to try?

CLARA:
Go on, then.

The DOCTOR puts the yellow paper crown on her head and we see the younger CLARA.

CLARA:
Can you really see no difference in me?

DOCTOR:
Clara Oswald, you will never look any different to me. So, how was it then?

CLARA:
How was what?

DOCTOR:
The 62 years that I missed.

CLARA:
Oh, how was my life, you mean?

DOCTOR:
(picks up a framed photo) Is there a Mr Clara? (walks around room)

CLARA:
(old again) No. But there were plenty of proposals.

DOCTOR:
They all turned you down though?

CLARA:
I turned them down! I travelled. I taught in every country in Europe. I learned to fly a plane.

DOCTOR:
(puts down photo and sits on couch arm) Regrets?

CLARA:
Oh! Hundreds. (chuckles) I just wish there were time for a few more.

DOCTOR:
Yeah, they're always the best part. Christmas cracker? We should do one. (picks up one and CLARA takes other end) No-one ever matched up to Danny, eh?

CLARA:
There was one other man. But that would never have worked out.

DOCTOR:
Why not?

CLARA:
He was impossible.

The DOCTOR puts his other hand over CLARA’S.

DOCTOR:
We should do this every Christmas.

CLARA:
Because every Christmas is last Christmas.

They pull the cracker.

DOCTOR:
I'm sorry. I was stupid. I should have come back earlier. I wish that I had.

SANTA:
Do you, Doctor? How much do you wish that?

DOCTOR:
No. I'm not still...

SANTA:
Wakey, wakey! (echoes)

???

The DOCTOR wakes up on the ground of some alien planet once the Dream Crab dies.

DOCTOR:
Clara! (runs into the TARDIS)

INT. HOUSE, BEDROOM, NIGHT

The DOCTOR sonics the crab as before and removes it from a still-young CLARA. She wakes with a gasp and sits up.

CLARA:
Doctor. Am I young?

DOCTOR:
No idea. (gives her a hand mirror) Is that any good?

CLARA:
(sighs) Oh, that's good.

DOCTOR:
The TARDIS is outside.

CLARA:
So?

DOCTOR:
So, all of time and all of space is sitting out there. A big blue box. Please, don't even argue.

CLARA smiles. The DOCTOR holds out his hand and she takes it. She then leans forward and kisses him on the cheek.

CLARA:
Merry Christmas, Doctor.

DOCTOR:
Merry Christmas, Clara Oswald.

She laughs and they run from the bedroom.

EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT

We’re looking down from a window. CLARA and the DOCTOR arrive at the TARDIS.

CLARA:
Well, look at you, all happy. That's rare.

DOCTOR:
Do you know what's rarer? Second chances. I never get a second chance, so what happened this time? Don't even know who to thank.

They enter the TARDIS. As it dematerializes, we see a tangerine resting on the windowsill.

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jpgr — Thu, 08 Nov 2018 17:01:00 GMT

Wed, 12:51: Transcript: 8x12 Death in Heaven https://t.co/Y7oG2YHxkH