bittersweet

losing things

joule_e — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 06:19:35 GMT

Also, I came across this quote today:

"As a word, nirvana is negative. It means "to blow out", as one would extinguish a fire, and the Buddha often describes it as putting out, cooling, or quenching the fires of self-will and selfish passion. But the force of the word is entirely positive. Like the English word flawless, it expresses perfection as the absence of any flaw. Perfection, the Buddha implies, is our real nature. All we have to do is remove the self-centeredness that covers it.

Someone once asked the Buddha skeptically, "What have you gained through meditation?"

The Buddha replied "Nothing at all."

"Then, Blessed One, what good is it?"

"Let me tell you what I lost through meditation: sickness, anger, depression, insecurity, the burden of old age, the fear of death. That is the good of meditation, which leads to nirvana."

What draws one back from this sublime state? The separate personality is lost, yet we cannot say nothing remains. There is a kind of shadow which the Buddha wears, clothing him in humanity, yet it is so thin that the radiance of infinity transfigures him. Siddhartha dissolved in the fourth dhyana (meditative state), and one called the Buddha returned from it; that is all we can say."

-From The Dhammapada translated and introduced by Eknath Easwaran

contemplating happiness

joule_e — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 06:15:45 GMT

I posted this in my myspace, but I'm such a lurker here, so I thought i'd work to correct that a little.

A few weeks ago I was thinking a lot about happiness. Before I completely abandon obsessing on this idea for a newer and shinier one, I've decided to write my thoughts out. So, here they are:

It occurred to me last week that I can think and over think about negative emotions, but I never really think about what makes me happy, I just feel it. To know what makes me happy is a more tenuous thing, more slippery. I think its because when I feel sad or angry, it's a problem…something to solve. When I feel happy, I don't have a tendency to think, "why the HELL am I happy?"
So, there are a few blooms that have opened in my mind from all this thinking (and talking) about happiness recently. One is this: A lot of happiness can get tied up in other people. I think this is both good and bad. Partly, this happiness can be so sticky because it wraps up happiness with the ego.
What I mean is this: giving of yourself is not exactly selfless. What about others' happiness brings us happiness? I think one of the reasons is that we reward ourselves for good behavior. It balances out our lives, like the idea of heaven and hell. The thoughts go like this: If I atone enough with good deeds, my life may have meaning and may outweigh any bad things I may have thought or done. If I do enough good things, there may be some sort of reward for it. Someone will see that I have sacrificed, someone will see that I have been the one behind the curtain, making sure the show goes okay.
The truth is, there is never enough of a reward for this kind of behavior. The actors on the stage are the ones that sign all the autographs, and if you start to feel like everyone is being ungrateful, it's hard not to get burnt out, to not slip into resentment. I think a lot of unhappiness comes from expectations that other people know or can consider our viewpoint, or that if they had the same information that we had, they'd make the same decisions. Really though, the only true reward that one can expect from putting energy into this kind of happiness is that you get to see the people you love having a better life, you get to build the world into a better place. Even if you give part of your energy to help those you don't know and love, you still get to know that you are helping to create reality as a kinder place. You may change the way someone looks at the world for only a minute, but that may change how they treat the next person, and that changes how that person treats the next person, and so on….and hopefully it puts more kindness into the reality we live in. To doubt that this comes back to you is to doubt that the world is connected. From kind behavior to others, you get to view yourself as a good person, which is still a kind of ego trip, but what isn't? Would it be better to not do these things and live in a world where everyone is alone, unconnected, fighting each other for the scraps?
For some reason, I just find it useful to know that even selfless behavior is not truly selfless. I think its because it can lead me to thinking about how what I often think of as selfish happiness behavior is not always all that selfish. I think there is some part of me that thinks secretly that the energy I put into other people's projects and endeavors is unselfish, and will have more of a pay off. Truly though, what is selfish about making myself happy, independent of other people? Even as I typed that last sentence, I felt a bit guilty, but I know that it is true that a life without the moments I take to make myself happy is a life that is unbalanced. If I don't have a self, than all I have to give is an endless supply of nothing. To be able to be worth anything to other people, a person must have worth beyond other people.
I started thinking about the things that make me happy that don't have anything to do with anyone else. The more I thought about these things, the more they seemed to fall into two (…or perhaps more) additional types of happiness. While I think of the first kind of happiness I described above as "the Muse happiness" I have started thinking of the second type as "Buddha happiness" or "Zen happiness". This is the happiness of beauty and pleasure. Seeing a sunset. Hugging someone deeply. Smelling bread baking. Taking the world into our senses, and appreciating life.
This happiness is related to seeing the universe unfold in all its glory, and all its "is-ness". It's a sense of peace that can help balance the slightly restless happiness of pleasing other people. This is a happiness that takes a little time to create and be aware of. In the world, one can be the observer or one can be the observed. It's almost impossible to be both at the same time. A lot of "Zen happiness" comes from taking time out to be the observer. I don't often think or speak really about a god to people I don't know well, because my thoughts about that are complex, but when I do, I talk about god dividing himself up into everything that exists to be both the observer and the observed. Maybe I'll talk about my god story later. This isn't really the place for it, but it illustrates why this happiness is important. When we observe in this way, I feel it is the god in us seeing the god in other people or things.
Another type of happiness is what I have started thinking of as "Artistic happiness". This is the happiness of being lost in a task, or a hobby or some kind of a project, and also the happiness of problem solving. I think that the search for knowledge and the joy of teaching can be included within this happiness. It's the happiness of creation, and sometimes of completion. The happiness of being the observed. I'm torn here in calling this one type of happiness, because the happiness of fulfilling a task is related to the happiness of getting lost in it, but it is also a unique thing unto itself. Its like its all the same road trip, and it's hard to separate out arriving at the destination form the journey, yet they are each their own thing.
I think a lot of happiness is the combination of these three types. For instance, the body-mind one that exists in the athlete is a combination of "Zen happiness", and of the "Artistic happiness". Part of this is just a rush of endorphins and feeling the power of the body, but part of it is a feeling of rightness when the body responds immediately to the mind and to the way it has been trained through practice. I think watching people that you love doing things that bring them joy can be part "muse happiness" plus part "zen happiness" Its still happiness that is tied to other people, but its active loving, through observation. Its a big kind of happiness, I think.
What other happinesses are there?

The rules

joule_e — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 18:17:42 GMT

The rules, from this blog via OwenJ's tumblr:

"I was discussing relationships with the lovely Violet Blue and we came up with the rules for the getting hurt game. Here is our list:

Don't be honest with yourself or others.

Give your trust to people that don't trust you.

Know that you are not worth fighting for.

Believe you can grow/help/save people.

Believe the situation is only temporary.

Here is to hoping you play the game as well as we have"

Blood drive today!

joule_e — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 15:57:40 GMT

Last Chance

joule_e — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 23:24:39 GMT

It's your last chance to see STL Roller Derby this year. Our next season doesn't start again until April. You don't want to make it through the cold months without warm memories of local girls getting knocked to the ground, do you?

Living under a rock/ ARRG bout part 2

joule_e — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 22:28:05 GMT

Look at me!!!!

Seriously, I think/ talk about derby too much. At least I'll be at Archon tonight for a little bit, getting my geek on. I'll try to post something that doesn't pertain to derby one of these days, but really I'm kinda a private person, unless you really know me. It makes me wonder why I have a blog. Actually, I have 3 blogs. I don't update any of them regularly. Maybe I should try to use it as an exercise in being more open and communicative. Maybe. We'll see.

In case you have been living under a rock or something

joule_e — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 19:04:04 GMT

sept 10 jpg
Originally uploaded by archrivalrollergirls.

Info on our bout this Sunday:
ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS!

Q: When is your first bout (game)?

A: Sunday, September 10, 2006

Q: What time?

A: 4pm (doors are at 3pm)

Q: How much are tickets?

A: $10

Q: Can I get tickets ahead of time?

A: Yes. They are available at Fifis, Euclid Records (in Webster), Hartford Coffee, and MoKaBes.

Q: Can I get tickets online?

A: Not for this bout. We hope to make tickets available via PayPal in the near future.

Q: How many bouts are you having this season?

A: We are having 3 local bouts. September 10, October 8, and November 12.

Q: Where is the bout?

A: All American Sports Mall

Q: Where is that?

A: 11133 Lindbergh Business Ct, St Louis MO 63123 (South St. Louis County).

From downtown, take I-55 to Lindbergh exit. Make right. Go ½ mile to St. Johns Church Rd. Make right. Follow street (changes to Lindbergh Business Ct.) past Casa, Saturn dealer, etc. All American will be on your left.

Q: What teams are playing?

A: This season we will play at 2 teams. The June Cleavers and the Smashinistas will skate on the same team and wear BLACK. Las Calaveras and the M-80s will skate together and wear PINK.

Q: Wait, I thought you had 4 teams? Why are they skating as only 2?

A: Yes, we still technically have 4 teams, but due to EXCESSIVE injuries (hey, were all rookies) over the last few months of training, the first 3 local bouts will be played as 2 teams.

Q: Are you gals gonna skate against other cities?

A: Yes. We have tentatively scheduled out first inter-league bout for late October in Chicago against the Chi-Town Sirens. We are also in talks with other Midwest cities. We will announce more details soon.

Q: It was really hot at your Friends & Family Preseason game. Is it gonna be cooler this time?

A: Undoubtedly. It was over 100 degrees on July 16. We have also asked All American to crank the a/c early that morning.

Q: Is there gonna be alcohol served this time? I sure do enjoy a beer with my sports!

A: Thats the plan. Last time the folks that were running concessions ended their relationship with All American the week before our bout. Our understanding is that someone new is managing the bar and snacks now.

Q: I got there late last time, had to sit in the back, and couldnt see very well. Can I stand up closer to the track or something?

A: Your wish is our command! Not only have we made some updates to the seating arrangement, but weve also added the SPLASH ZONE, a place to stand along the straight-a-way right along the track. But be aware, you may end up with a rollergirl on top of you!

Q: I have a huge crush on a rollergirl. How do I get her to talk to me?

A: Demonstrate your knowledge of the sport! Read up on the history and rules! A good place to start is wftda.com . Impress her after the game by telling her you noticed her ability to get lead jammer status, or the way she executed a good whip. More dating tips to come.

RFT Article

joule_e — Thu, 25 May 2006 04:08:12 GMT

The Feature article in the RFT is on the Arch Rival Rollergirls. You can see it in hard copy or here. There's even a goofy pic of me.

Pictures

joule_e — Wed, 05 Apr 2006 01:07:56 GMT

From Panama, even.

skate maitinence

joule_e — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 17:41:41 GMT

I learned how to take the bearings out of my skates yesterday. Skatium grime is Nasty. They are all clean and freewheelin' now. I made the wheels a little looser, so that they can go faster. I am destined to fall hard on my ass, but as long as I don't break my tailbone (again), I'll be fine. Pssh! Who needs control?
The power went out at UMSL today. It came back on two minutes after they cancelled classes, but about five minutes before I threw in the towel and went home for the day. Maybe I'll leave early. Like at noon.

Valentine's Day...well actually, Feb 10th

joule_e — Tue, 07 Feb 2006 19:28:51 GMT

Whatcha doing on Friday? Why not come out and skate?
Some of the Arch Rival Roller Girls will be at V.D. On Wheels on Friday Feb the 10th.
If you can't see the ad for some reason:
V.D. on Wheels features the 7 Shot Screamers,the Vultures, and Johnny O & the Jerks playing at the Skatium roller skating rink on Friday, February 10th. $10 gets you roller skates, admission to the show, and access to all our special guests, including the Zombie Squad, who will be doing security, a burlesque troupe who will perform in between sets, the Arch Rival Roller Girls, and Corbeta Corbata, who will do relationship counseling and fortune telling. And you can enter to WIN A DATE WITH BEN SMITH! In addition, it's BYOB, so you don't have to pay for any drinkies inside. AND IT'S ALL AGES!!!! This is either going to be the party of the year or we're going end up in jail, either way it's not something you'd wanna miss. THIS IS THE LAST ALL AGES SHOW BEFORE THE 7 SHOT SCREAMERS AND VULTURES GO ON TOUR!!! Doors @ 10:00 PM Show @ 10:30
I think we may be having a bake sale too.
-Eva Lastin' Jawbreaker

Yays!

joule_e — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 18:56:56 GMT

Congrats to owenj for quitting his job this week! Go on with your bad poker-playing self!

sinistral

joule_e — Thu, 20 Oct 2005 15:54:30 GMT

When I smoked, I did it with my left hand. Sometimes I eat with my left hand, unless I might elbow someone. I might be goofy-footed when snowboarding. Now I have to learn how to shoot a gun with my left hand. It turns out that I am severely left-eye dominant. So much so that I have to close my right eye in order to aim. I thought that it was just something I was doing because I was inexperienced, but when the teacher I had last night said she still had to do it after decades of shooting, I became more resigned to it. Still, if I ever want to shoot anything other than a handgun, I should strengthen my left arm.
I wonder why I even write with my right hand. Maybe I have been denying my inherent left-handedness.

Your name needs meme

joule_e — Fri, 07 Oct 2005 06:13:54 GMT

Stolen from: mustard76 ,'cause he wants me to post more.
So! A meme!
Type "[your name] needs" (in quotes) in google and show the first 10 results.
Julie needs:

1. Early start
2. a kidney
3. to recognize this and receive clarification from Stewart on their actual role (formal and informal) on the project.
4. to work on her parenting
5. to call the artist at Black Cat Typography
6. to do to be successful (to be fair, this sentence started with "what Julie needs.." It is not just weird grammar.)
7. a team of committed people to pray for her and her ministry. (plus cash, lots of cash... in a tray)
8. 15 attendees in an area to schedule a workshop
9. to wrap a gift for her mother
10. some real hands-on comforting as the anniversary of that first killing spree is drawing near :)

what does my given name need?

Julia needs:
1.our positive thoughts & prayers
2. A Reality Check (yes, in caps)
3. to learn to let go
4. advice on moving stairs
5. Help
6. to GO!
7. Michael Gambon
8. another mocha
9. a beer (once I get a new kidney, I guess)
10. an outfit that is easy to wear, yet stylish
I get the impression that Julia is also an evil soap opera character

White-eyed Vireo

joule_e — Mon, 25 Jul 2005 04:52:28 GMT

White-eyed Vireo Close-up
Originally uploaded by joule_e.

I took some pictures in the Ozarks last week. I edited the hell out of some. This is one I really like.

The rest of the bird pics are here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/joule/

I harrased geese this week

joule_e — Fri, 01 Jul 2005 23:20:23 GMT

0506280019
Originally uploaded by joule_e.

I went to Carbondale for work on Monday, where there is a goose roundup every year. The geese were molting, so they couldn't fly away. They got banded & we took blood from them. They died. Ha ha. Just kidding.
To see the whole set, look here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/joule/sets/528685

EDIT: There are no pics of us bleeding them. Alex, my coworker, was mush more obsessed with taking pictures of the helicopter. I seriously left about 10 more helicopter pictures out. I wish I could show detailed pictures of uncomfortable geese with syringes in their feet, but alas, I cannot.

less sane now

joule_e — Sat, 07 May 2005 07:30:45 GMT

I misplaced the book I was reading, The Great Shark Hunt, by H.S.T., so I picked up Zod Wallop, by William Browning Spencer. I read it in a day and a half. I'm not sure I should have finished it with sleep deprivation, because it is a stunning good, but fucked-up book. I really recommend it. Not your average death trip. It is living in my favorites now. Thanks, Chuck.

Vacation Photos

joule_e — Thu, 31 Mar 2005 00:35:56 GMT

I finally put my photos from my vacation up on line.
here they are

joule_e — Fri, 25 Mar 2005 22:09:20 GMT

another...

joule_e — Fri, 25 Mar 2005 21:25:42 GMT

You scored as True Neutral. A True Neutral person has two faces- either these people are merely apathetic, preferring to focus their minds on more important things, or these people truly believe in a balance of all things. To these people, there can be no light without some darkness. These people also have no dedication to, or intrinsic distrust of, laws.

Lawful Good

70%

Chaotic Good

70%

True Neutral

70%

Neutral Evil

40%

Neutral Good

35%

Lawful Evil

30%

Chaotic Neutral

30%

Lawful Neutral

25%

Chaotic Evil

10%

What is your Alignment?
created with QuizFarm.com

bored lemming...

joule_e — Fri, 25 Mar 2005 19:08:30 GMT

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Julie
Birthday:	11-25-1977
Birthplace:	St. Louis
Current Location:	UMSL
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Brownish-redish-blondish-silverish
Height:	5'6''
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right handed, but I sometimes eat with my left.
Your Heritage:	Much Hungarian, some British, some Alsatian, some German.
The Shoes You Wore Today:	the squelchy ones
Your Weakness:	salt, olive skin
Your Fears:	Going crazy, dehydration sickness, being ostracized, getting shot in the head, getting lost, getting some weird tropical disease
Your Perfect Pizza:	chicago style, with tomatoes, garlic, mushrooms, black olives
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	To apply to grad school, get more field work experience
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	k
Thoughts First Waking Up:	FUCK. I'm late.
Your Best Physical Feature:	Eyes, maybe hands.
Your Bedtime:	between 11:00-2:00, but on weekends, could vary more widely
Your Most Missed Memory:	Today: sneeking out and getting drunk in the car with Chuck & Julia & Ellen & all in high school
Pepsi or Coke:	gah. Coke, I guess. Cherry coke is ok.
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Burger King, but breakfast only
Single or Group Dates:	Single, at first. Group is ok later.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	ew.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	chocolate, generally.
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	sometimes I will bum a smoke when I am drinking, but will put it out after two drags or so.
Do you Swear:	Jesus fuck, yeah
Do you Sing:	In the shower & in the car.
Do you Shower Daily:	yup
Have you Been in Love:	yes
Do you want to go to College:	been there, presently there.
Do you want to get Married:	maybe...probably.
Do you belive in yourself:	well, I'm not invisible...
Do you get Motion Sickness:	no, but I might get sick if you do.
Do you think you are Attractive:	mostlyish
Are you a Health Freak:	getting there
Do you get along with your Parents:	Yeah, in an edited fashion.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yesssss
Do you play an Instrument:	not currently
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	I don't recall
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no, godanmmit
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yeah, it didn't go beyond one.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yeah. Looked for shoes that didn't suck. Didn't find any.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yes
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been called a Tease:	yes, a lot.
Ever been Beaten up:	only by sibling
Ever Shoplifted:	yes
How do you want to Die:	I want to jump off into Kaiteur Falls
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	21
What country would you most like to Visit:	for work- Ecuador (Galapagos), for play- Japan
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	green or brown, but it doesn't really matter
Favourite Hair Color:	anything but blond
Short or Long Hair:	short recently, but long historically.
Height:	taller than me
Weight:	skinny, but not so skinny that I feel like brunhilda
Best Clothing Style:	I don't care. No sweater vests.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	unknown quantities. I lost count somewhere.
Number of CDs I own:	~400-500
Number of Piercings:	ears, soon more (yes, again)
Number of Tattoos:	0
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	I don't have a good enough memory to regret
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

I'm leaving on a jet plane

joule_e — Fri, 21 Jan 2005 08:26:04 GMT

My itinerary for the next few weeks:
Leave tomorrow at 11:06am (OK, well..today. The reason god invented sleeping pills was so people could sleep on airplanes).
Arrive in Switzerland 10:15 am (after going through Chicago & Frankfurt).
Stay until 1/29/05
Take the high speed train to Paris.
Stay until 1/03/05
Leave for Scotland.
Hang out with Becky in Edinburgh! :)
Leave for France 01/07/05
Flight back to U.S. to be determined (I hope on 01/07/05).

Stolen from ghan75

joule_e — Mon, 03 Jan 2005 17:14:45 GMT

I post weird poetic stuff no one understands

why is YOUR livejournal annoying?
brought to you by Quizill

sleep or write?

joule_e — Wed, 29 Dec 2004 09:10:22 GMT

One's not happening, so by default, the other is....
I had a fairly good X-mas, even though I had been feeling very non-holidayesque. I didn't want to acquire any more garbage, or even be around family. I have been restless for months and the feeling of having to do something out of obligation was like torture to me. I am very protective of my time recently. Not that I spend it particularly well. If I did I might be sleeping now.
Anyway, I went over to green_shoe 's parent's house on the 24th and was fed well and got to play poker. I got to take money from her brother and mine. Although it was a small buy-in and I made close to $1 per hour, it still felt good to be playing. It's still a rush to win a good hand. I traveled the next day with Chuck and Nikki to my grandmother’s and then to my dad’s. Maybe I have despised X-mas in the last few years because it is so much running around, so much appeasement. I think I may have liked it better when I was a kid, when the holidays were traded off like playing cards.
I think I am getting a little burnt out in general, and I can really just smell it at this time of year. Winter sucks. When I was tons younger, I used to sometimes wish that I could go into a coma for six months and then wake up and everything would be different. But now I know, it would just be the same, just brighter. Nothing is particularly bad now, just stagnant. I know, by the end of summer, I will be moving in a new direction. A new state even, perhaps. Just working on getting there is becoming so tiring that I really hope I can manage not to sabotage myself. I am wound up tighter than a ball of waxed string. I feel more and more closed off all of the time. I had a break from that recently, but not for too long. I am getting rid of things in my house. That seems to help. It’s almost like I’m making progress. Finding the things that are important and making them pretty, or at least less crappy. I would love to be able to fit everything I need into a backpack and just GO. So why don't I? Going to Switzerland in January will help, even if it is terribly structured. What I really want is someplace warm and sunny. Maybe for next Christmas. A kind of certain kind of heaviness has settled on me, and I need to just shake it off in some way. Maybe I'm just in love with being in love and this is the inevitable let down. I think it is more than that though. I think I am getting fed up with not moving forward. I want off this circular ride. It's making me ill.

Wash, rinse, repeat, wash, rinse, repeat....etc, ad nauseum

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:	joule_e
Your haiku:	progress finding the things that are important and making them pretty
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