If I don’t

take the pills

I will kill

myself

not possibly, but

guaranteed-

I’ve tried before

I picked a tree.

When you ask

the computer,

what’s the best

way to kill

myself?

The first result

is the

number for

Samaritans,

not that helpful

but well

intentioned.

I’m scared of blood

and death and

the dark but

when I wake

up

my brain goes

elsewhere quick

visions of my

wrist slit, and

empty vessel

motionless

in

a red slick,

a puddle of

wasted potential.

Potentially something

more than just

a sad kid,

made big.

If I don’t take these

pills I will

kill

myself, so

I take the pills,

until

they stop working

as well,

then I call

Dr Goldstein, tell

her I’m in

hell.

Ok lets up your

dose by

20mg a day,

see if that

takes the

visions away,

let me make a

coffee without

turning the wand

to my eyes and

burning them out,

or cut vegetables

without fear of

losing my grip

and splitting my

face with the

blade.

I was ten when

I found out

you

could kill

yourself and

every day I

get up and I

don’t.

Made a promise

to my sister

I won’t, if I

don’t take these

pills I will

kill myself,

so I take them,

and don’t.