Signs This Group Is Definitely Not A Cult
It’s not our fault that everyone’s family members and former friends are toxic, and we're better off not having any contact with them.
The sashes we’re wearing are colored with all-natural vegetable dyes.
The sheets on the bunk beds are made from organic cotton. So are all our matching pajamas.
We only eat what we grow ourselves from seeds we collected while dumpster diving because we care about the Earth.
Or what we can buy at Costco with Derrick’s mom’s membership card.
We LOVE our members like no one else in their whole lives ever has before!
It’s not our fault that everyone’s family members and former friends are all toxic and we are all better off not having any contact with them.
It could be a coincidence, but the most likely explanation is that all of society is wrong and the 37 of us gathered here are the only humans on the planet that have found a way to live truly authentically.
This fact is a cause for celebration. We all agreed that the celebration should begin with a 37-day water fast, by everyone except those with the red sashes.
Lots of people say they care, but we truly care about one another.
When we say that, we don’t mean as an individual, but as a member of our group.
We have all evolved to realize that individuality is overrated and probably toxic.
Lots of things are toxic in modern society, including deodorant, processed foods not available at Costco, and federal and state taxes of all types. That’s why we must release ourselves from it.
And by “release,” we mean isolate ourselves at this former duck farm on an unmarked road in Utah.
We believe in the kind of equality that comes from being in a group that only holds meetings in a sweat lodge we built ourselves, while under the influence of marijuana and/or mega doses of Robitussin (bought by the case at Costco).
Everyone is here of their own free will.
Everyone has freely donated their car.
Everyone has also freely donated a quart of blood.
And pledged to donate 5 grams of toenail clippings.
Everyone here agrees that the best way to display loyalty is by sleeping with any person wearing a red sash who questions it.
Also, by giving our leader, Randolph, all of our money in the form of cash, gold coins, or Outback Steakhouse gift cards.
Our coffee is fair trade.
We have all happily relinquished our (toxic!) cell phones.
Also our passports, driver’s licenses, and/or student ID cards.
Our leader, Randolph, has certifications in Chakra & Aura healing, psychoanalysis, data analysis, and color analysis from online Canadian schools whose URLs are now dead, but we don’t know this because we won’t have internet access until we get the purple sash.
No one has ever gotten the purple sash, because everyone needs something to strive for.
One reason we’ve pulled our money is to buy this duck farm. The other is to buy new animal skins and silk boxers for Randolph.
If you could just meet Randolph in person you’d be convinced. His eyes are like rainbows and no one with rainbow eyes could be bad.
You’d love Randolph, we promise.
Imagine a love child of Jesus and Saraswati whose godfather was the Buddha and who looked like a male Farrah Fawcett. 30% better than that.
If you’d met him you’d agree that giving Randolph a massage on a bed of animal skins is the greatest pleasure you can experience in life — and he’s also a great kisser!
Hello Substack Friends,
What’s your TV-viewing guilty pleasure? Mine is “Love is Blind” (in any language or country) and any documentary about a cult.
For people like me, who like to talk to characters on TV and tell them what to think and do, in the vain hope there’s even the remotest chance they could ever hear and comply, there’s no better viewing experience than shows like these.
One thing I’ve noticed: Other animals don’t get swept up into cults. It is a purely human phenomenon, like cooking food and using Excel spreadsheets.
Watching these shows helps us accurately set the bar for what behaviors and thoughts we can and can’t reasonably expect from people.
Kinda useful these days, I think.
What’s your escapist TV-viewing pleasure? What do you recommend? I’d love to know.
And as always, thanks for reading Humor in the Middle!
Jen
These sound like my people. Can you share how to reach them on 4 Chan?
People like Randolph are nice and all, but I'm partial to the moms who fake their own kidnappings. They're my heroes. They can wring so many POVs out of it for endless wasted hours of escapist TV! While I'm on the couch guzzling soda and watching and ignoring my kids, I keep feeling like Mom of the Year by comparison.