the world I know

jarrow @ 2017-01-16T21:32:00

2017-01-17T05:32:53Z

I FEEL SO COOL AND FAMOUS. (Like cesperanza and brynnmck!)

I got interviewed about TGIF/F, the femslash con I run, and it was SO FUN. Go read the thing and spread the word about femslash! \o/

FEMSLASH CON

2015-10-03T17:26:04Z

Hi friends! As you may or may not know, I have co-founded a multi-fandom femslash convention called TGIF/F ("TGIFemslash"). It's in LA in February, and we are SUPER excited about it. It should be much bigger than FaberryCon, upwards of 200 people if we fill up. It's the first time (that we know of) that there's been an official space like this for all kinds of femslash.

Registration just opened, and we want to spread the word. 30+ people signed up the first day, but we want to keep it going. Everyone who registers in October gets to vote on what fandoms will get their own single panels at the con. (Like Bitchin Party does.) If you know of anyone who might be interested in joining us or are willing to give us a signal boost, you can point people in any of these directions:

- Our official website / reg page
- Our Tumblr / reg boost post
- Our Twitter

Thank you so, so much for supporting fan-run cons and femslash (and me!) ♥

And a big shout-out to Killa, Anoel, and ShinyAlice for already registering! ♥ ♥ ♥

NEW VID: "Warriors"

2015-08-10T06:34:29Z

My first VVC Premiere in 4 years (unless you count Auction), and lordy, this vid made me work for it. It was worth it.

"Warriors"
Source: The 100
Music: Imagine Dragons
Summary: Here we are. (A recruiter vid)
Warning: Graphic violence

Download: [here] (88MB, mp4)
Tumblr: [here]

This vid wouldn't be what it is without all the help Alicia contributed during our hell week together ♥ Big thanks also to trelkez and Laura Shapiro for great, helpful beta! And thank you anoel for being a great cheerleader the whole way!

password: 100

As a child you would wait and watch from far away.
But you always knew that you'd be the one that work while they all play

In youth, you'd lay awake at night and scheme
Of all the things that you would change, but it was just a dream

Here we are, don't turn away now (don't turn away)
We are the warriors that built this town from dust

The time will come, when you'll have to rise
Above the rest and prove yourself
Your spirit never dies
Farewell, I've gone to take my throne above
Don't weep for me
Cause this will be the labor of my love

Here we are, don't turn away now (don't turn away)
We are the warriors that built this town from dust

I have a lot to say; forgive me. It's been years since I made a vid this "big," and I really enjoy talking about it.

This song first crossed my Pandora a few months ago, and it caught my ear immediately. I filed it away in my mental "exciting songs with potential" folder. The second time it came around, I was further in my initial watch of The 100, early season two I think, but I'd seen enough to know that this could be a great match. I would ask my roommate things like, "Okay, don't spoil me, but there wouldn't happen to be scenes coming up where they march off to war? Maybe?" Then, as I watched the back half of the season (which comprises about 75% of this vid), I was mentally clipping as the episodes played, and I became more and more excited about what was unfolding on my screen. When they DID march off to war, I about lost my mind. \o/ THANK YOU, SHOW.

This show is so rich with plot and characters (for those following along at home, there are TEN strong females with names and lines and stories. TEN.) Trying to follow any particular plot line would leave room for nothing else. It's a short song, so doing a kitchen sink vid with any carry-through would be incredibly difficult and overwhelming. I had to make some tough decisions to pare it down. I decided to go for a basic recruiting vid that introduced the primary conflicts and then had them fighting and stuff. Because, you know, Warriors. Discover the rest on your own. (And, for those of you reading who are familiar with the source, isn't it kind of hilarious how much I had to leave out?!)

The show is, in parts, a territorial pissing contest, but it's so much more than that. So many of the decisions and morally ambiguous conversations around violence are what make the show interesting to me on a critical level; it's not just all blood and guts. But there is no way I could vid, for example, Octavia's backstory and everything Raven goes through and the awesomeness of Abby Griffin and the entire Clarke/Lexa relationship and all the things I like about this show. Those things will have to wait for other vids. For now, I could show some elements that felt familiar because of my work with BSG, and that would still be super fun. Mostly, I wanted to convey: BADASS LADIES BEING BADASSES. PLEASE WATCH THIS SHOW OF BADASS LADIES. That was one point on which I refused to budge -- all the big emotional moments would show female warriors, not males.

It was clear to me right away that the lyrics mandated a focus on the three leaders of the three groups -- Clarke (Sky People), Cage (Mountain Men), and Lexa (Grounders). I mean, it was kind of crazy when I actually listened to the words. Clarke IS the one who was watching from far away and has to work while they all play (quite literally!) Cage IS the one who wants to change things from the way his father runs them! Lexa IS the one who has to rise and prove herself on the throne! (Not to mention they believe in reincarnation of leaders and her "spirit never dies," just a fun tidbit for those with context.) So yeah, I was THRILLED at how the lyrics matched up.

But I don't know if I've vidded a POV switch since maybe Love Turns 40. It's just not something I do much. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to pull it off. (Maybe I didn't! You tell me!) Until I just pasted the lyrics into this post, I thought "In youth" was "and you," so that felt like a fine place for a POV switch mid-verse at the time. (Oh well, it's fine.) So then it became about the anvil strategy of showing at least 3 clips in a row of each face to establish POV for that verse. Plus making it clear it's a person in a new setting. Plus showing they are the leader of that community/setting. Because only then can I show them in conflict with the other groups in the choruses. And I had, like, the space of 8 clips to do all of these things. I did worry that my clip choices would be severely restricted by all these rules and hoops I had to jump through. That it'd be more formulaic than interesting. At this point, I've watched it over 100 times so I've lost every shred of objectivity and don't even know anymore. I can only hope that it's clear enough to be cohesive and nifty enough to be entertaining. I do know that this vid is paced much more slowly than my vids tend to be; there's no fast cutting section, really, unless you could a tiny bit at the end. I wanted to let the clips breathe more so you can really see who's in them. That's important here. I'm trying to tell you something, damnit, not just make you go "oooooh."

So, as I'm battling these structural limitations (that I've created myself, remember), I then faced two big problems. One, spoiler, these people do not actually go to war. Not in the literal sense. There is plenty of fighting on the smaller level, but not some big epic battle scene like in LotR or Narnia or whatever. So, I had to try to manufacture scenes using what I did have. Secondly, the three leaders DO NOT DO ANYTHIIIIIIIIIIING. They just sit around and look angsty all the time! (Clarke does a little bit, but not in ways I needed visually.) So, as I was trying to visually establish my POV characters, I then realized that they are not actually the 'warriors who built this town' at all. It's their sidekicks -- Octavia, Indra, Bellamy, etc -- who bring the action. All my interesting shots, the ones I insisted appear in the vid, the ones that would sell it, were of these secondary characters. So then I had to decide how many to show, and who could appear more than once, because this cast is huge and I had to be selective. (Those of you who go watch this show, you will laugh at how many actors you know from other things who were omitted from this vid. It's literally like five.) And then I had to connect them to the respective leaders visually. Plus, you know, create the gradual escalation of violence to matching the rise in the song without giving away too much plot to those who want to try the show. (Which was hard, because, again, 75% of the vid is from the final 8 episodes that aired to date.) But still show enough fighting to justify the song choice.

It probably doesn't look like it, but there is so much intentionality in every single clip of this vid, heh. More is happening than appears!

But apparently I give no fucks about spoiling you for ladykissing. SPOILER THERE IS LADYKISSING AND IT'S AWESOME.

Actually, this is funny, because I originally didn't have that clip in the vid at all. I felt like it was too easy for me to play that card, and too predictably 'me' to have femslash/lesbians in a jarrow vid. I originally had the kiss over the lyric "labor of my love," but all the clips before and after didn't work with it at all, so I took it out. I sent a draft to Jen and Laura for beta, and this happened:

Laura, in email: You've done all the things that are essential in a recruiter vid: [other stuff], you've hinted at a ship...

me, in reply: Ahahaha, this is delightful. I wasn't really intending to? I mean, well, ok. So, the blonde in the first verse and the brunette in the third verse, I assume you mean them? Well, guess what. Spoiler! They actually become canon! YES. THEY DO. THEY KISS AND EVERYTHING. The kiss was one of the first clips I laid down, and I took it out later because it was just gratuitous and didn't fit. So yes, I am highly amused that you picked up a ship from this :-D I actively tried to not show my lesbian bias!! Heeee.

Laura: PUT THE KISS BACK IN.

trelkez (in chat): all big it's pretty clear to me who is who but I think you are going to have a Lois Lane has two hair colors problem if you don't have a stronger twoshot of them somewhere
jarrow: ok well there is that moment when they kiss
jarrow: so
jarrow: Laura said I should use that, lol
trelkez: ...
trelkez: and you didn't why
[later]
trelkez: do you have a version for me yet with more gay?

SORRY! SORRY FRIENDS FOR FAILING BY LEAVING OUT THE GAY. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

Most of this vid fell into place very quickly. Each verse had its POV character, and I knew which conflict went in which chorus, and I knew the big fire 'splosions went at the end. The very first clips I laid down were Octavia rising up at 2:19 (though, admittedly, a different shot of that same moment) and Indra behind the door opening at 1:30. Those, plus the raised swords at 2:25 were the lynchpins of the vid for me. (THE SOUND I MADE WHEN I FIRST WATCHED THAT CLIP IN THE EPISODE, KNOWING RIGHT WHERE IT WOULD GO. OMG Y'ALL.) I knew the kind of emotional feel I wanted for those moments, I just had to make everything work around them. In the end, given the footage that exists, I think I did okay. I think the show is represented well enough for what it is, but there is A LOT MORE to this show than is displayed here. A part of me feels it's a crime to just strip it down to these basics, but recruiter vid is as recruiter vid does.

Fun fact, aside from those emotional moments, my favorite clip in the vid is when Lexa is walking through the bushes at 1:07. I had no clips at all that showed clearly that Lexa is in charge of the tree people. Nada. You never get a great shot of their camp, even, and bitch is always indoors. I had this moving shot of the trees, then I had Lexa being a boss, but I had no way to connect them. When I found that clip, I was ECSTATIC. There was clapping and squealing.

Trees --> Trees + Lexa --> Lexa. That's what I call A+ vid math, my friends. BOOYAH. TAKE THAT, VID. *karate chop*

Like so many others, this was one of those vids where 80% falls together easily, you work out the other 10% after a draft or two, and then you ABSOLUTELY AGONIZE over one or two spots/sequences/clips. There is a 20-second segment that I am surprised I don't still have nightmares about. Dear god, it took FOREVERRRRRRRR to figure out the right clips for it. But such is vidding. And I'm really pleased with how it turned out in the end, so yay.

OKAY. NOW,

For anyone still reading, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY TECH WOES. Because this vid easily ranks in the top three worst tech experiences I've ever had vidding. I don't even know who the other contenders are, I just know this was AWFUL.

The S2 dvds aren't available yet, but I had rips of the S1 dvds (no logos). I had 720p downloads of S2 with all kinds of gross and huge logos and promos on them, but it was the best I could find. I was just going to have to work around the graphics, as I couldn't crop them out. Because they were mkv files, they were huge and had to be strung together with Avisynth to use in Premiere with any consistency. I precariously managed to build a full timeline, then get to my second or third draft before I discovered there were actually large, gorgeous, HQ logo-less versions of the S2 eps out there after all!

*sigh*

So now I had to remaster the vid as I was making it, effectively. (Better done before releasing it, I guess.) Because I'd only seen the show once, I didn't know where anything was, so I had to go back through S2 slowly to grab everything I might be using. Now, to provide context, this was also the last week of school, so I was crazy busy with finishing out the year and marching band stuff. Thank god my friend Alicia was here visiting and wanted to learn how to vid. "Here, let me show you how to clip!" \o/ She clipped everything from the draft while I was at work. Then, we discovered that for whatever reason, Premiere only liked about 1/4 of the clips, only ones from specific episodes (apparently encoded a certain way). The rest would play in VLC, but not in Premiere. Re-encoding them didn't work. *exhales* So we had to find new versions of the downloads for those episodes and reclip S2 again. (That's 3 round of repetitive clipping, for those keeping track at home. GEE WOW CLIPPING IS SO FUN TOO.) Finally, we had replaced everything on the timeline with shiny new clips that seemed to play fine. Great.

Only, I couldn't export the vid.

I've got a shiny new computer with a bunch of memory, so I don't know why this was such a problem, but it was. My initial drafts all exported fine. But then, once we were pulling in all these new clips (that were large, hard avi files) on top of the mkv files for S2 (alllllll my old virtual clips, in case I had to change anything), it was just too much. It would get maybe halfway through and just crash. It was working maybe 1 out of 5 tries, with shut downs/reboots in between to reset the memory. Eventually I figured out how to move and turn off my avisynth files in a copy of the project file so they wouldn't be loaded by Premiere (but still existed if I needed them), and that helped. Or so I thought.

After completing the remaster with all the new clips, I tried exporting the vid in two halves to see if that would work better. First half exported fine! Second half crashed immediately. It took some hair-pulling, super sleuthing, and hours I'll never get back to determine that two of our twice-fixed remastered clips were somehow still corrupt in Premiere, even though they previewed fine on the timeline. Even once we had All Clips That Worked, Really I Promise This Time, even with the old files not being loaded, it would only export a full timeline about 1 out of 6 tries, with no clear rhyme or reason why. And then, of course, after we would get it, I'd see something else to change or fix (like redoing the entire kiss sequence), and I thought Alicia was going to throw me off my own balcony by the end of it. Final tally: 91 attempted exports, 22 successful encodes. And yes, I just opened the logs and counted. Because I am STILL BITTER.

So, really, this vid is a fucking trophy of my long and bloody war with Adobe Media Encoder. Maybe that's appropriate, I guess, considering it's called Warriors. Hmph.

But more than anything, I'm so glad I made myself sit down and vid this. I really really thought someone else was going to vid the same song to something for Premieres (maybe MCU). I was so scared, y'all. But I did it anyway and got my groove back. VVC was a richer experience having new vids and being a part of that again after several years off. It was so gratifying to hear all the kind words at Vid Review and throughout the weekend. Thank you so much to everyone who said something; it really meant a lot.

NOW GO WATCH THE 100 ALREADY.

NEW VID: "Spring Breakers"

2015-08-10T05:44:03Z

My first Club Vivid vid in FOUR YEARS WHAT.

"Spring Breakers"
Source: Spring Breakers (film)
Music: "Kids" by Sleigh Bells
Summary: It's Spring Break, bitch.
Warning: Nudity (NSFW)

Download: [here] (41MB, mp4)

password: kids

The lyrics are pretty unintelligible and therefore fairly irrelevant to the vid beyond the whole "this song is about going to the beach" thing. Here's what people on the internet seem to think the words are. BUT WHO KNOWS.

It was a Wednesday
I got the Kool-aid
I hear the kick drum
Talking to my baby
I wanna feel the ocean
Put on my suntan lotion
I see the sun glow
Water moving slow motion
I got a beach chair
I see the blonde hair
Kick up my feet there
I feel the cool air
The breeze is nice now
I'll tell you right now
I sip my Kool-aid
I'm feeling better now

Do I need a vacation?
Just need to get away for a while
Wait, did I forget my sunglasses?
Nope, got 'em!

I paint my nails pink
They're in the sand tough
I hear the old soul
Coming out my radio
I see a young boy
Hanging on a ropeswing
He gets a nosebleed
And I hear the gull sing
I hope the water's warm
Gotta get my swims on
I pull my straps up
I'll see a thunderstorm

Talking about boys
Put the music on
I'll just start dancing

Good looking sea shells
Need to make some new wishes
Watch out for sea glass
Watch out for jellyfishes
I see a young boy
Swimming out to sea now
I tell the life guard
He can't be bothered now
It's getting late though
Clouds are getting real low
The breeze is nice yes
I think I better go

But I never came though
They just sat right outside
And started looking at me
Everything was just perfect
I got a little sunburn, though

I wanted to vid this song two years ago (for CV 2013) but had two problems: 1) I was running TWO FaberryCons during vidding season, and 2) I had no source for the song anyway. I talked to my friends about it and tried to mine them for ideas, because there simply had to be something that would work. I wanted girls with guns kicking ass but also going to the beach. That was my vision for this vid. I knew things like Blue Crush (the surfer girls movie) wouldn't quite work because I wasn't willing to budge on the "girls with guns" piece. I had no viable ideas, so I shelfed it and watched faceless ladies kick ass in the vid in my mind, sigh.

Fast forward several months to a random weekend I'm at Lara's apartment watching stuff. We were super into Pretty Little Liars, so we'd heard of Spring Breakers because Ashley Benson is in it. I downloaded it out of curiosity, mostly. Based on just the cover photo, my expectations were low -- another pointless, stupid movie about straight party boys objectifying stupid girls. (I hadn't heard anything about the actual plot.) We watched it kind of ironically?

And we were very wrong! And very surprised! Because it's actually a pretty good movie?? And not at ALL what we expected!

It's super artsy! It's about women taking control and making their own destiny! There is no rape and actually very little straight boy fuckery! (Though there is a problematic race element that we couldn't overlook.) Still, it's a quality film with artistic vision that's about the ladies banding together and being awesome. It's not perfect, but it's certainly not terrible. We were sold in the first five minutes.

AND DID I MENTION THE LADIES HAVE GUNS AND ARE AT THE BEACH. (AND SOMETIMES MAKE OUT.) THIS WAS VERY RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS.

I'm trying to remember when I made the connection that this was the movie I'd been waiting for. I think it wasn't until months after we watched it, honestly, so probably in early 2014. I heard the song again and made the O.O face. My little vidding dreams had come true. Bless. The movie even opened with slow motion shots of people being drunk and stupid at the beach, which is exactly how I'd pictured opening my vid. It was meant to be. Thank you, Hollywood and the vidding gods.

Because it's so beautifully made, I then had the problem of trying to decide which vid to make. It was a little panic-inducing realizing I couldn't fit my 50 minutes of beautiful clips into 2 minutes and 30 seconds. So, I had three options.

1) Straightforward movie vid that just retells the plot mostly in order. That could work, but it would include the parts I didn't like (an entire major storyline, really).
2) Ship vid between the two lead ladies, which there was plenty of footage to support but not really enough?
3) An AU version, sort of, where I rewrite the movie to play out differently and focus on the parts I like, actual plot be damned.

Ultimately, I went with option 3. I wanted to take out two specific elements of the film. First, James Franco. He did a fantastic job in his character, but I don't want that sketchy dude anywhere near my ladies. (He does make a brief appearance at the end of the vid.) Second, the super problematic racial element. The gangster storyline involves a black drug lord who is Franco's enemy, and [SPOILER] the movie ends with the little white girls going and shooting up him and all his black friends.[/SPOILER] I...am not comfortable glorifying white people killing black people in my vid. So, I used the clips I could that focused on the girls and not their victims, and showed dead bodies of all colors. But it really was something I had to consciously work around.

The other tricky thing I had to work around was the fact that their big crime (in the restaurant) is shown from weird angles. (When it happens, you only see it from a distance on the other side of the wall.) I redid the first chorus so many times, I lost count. The rest of the vid didn't come together quite as easily as I wanted, but it was pretty par for the course. The song has such a great beat and the clips were all so pretty, most anything I laid down looked okay, but I wanted to push myself to keep trying to make it better. It really evolved and tightened up over several drafts. And in my version, they never even go to jail! \o/

A note about the credits -- The credits on the film use those weird capital ocean-theme letters for the names of about 15 people. It wasn't the whole alphabet, but I was thrilled to discover that they gave me every single letter I needed -- including V, W, and G -- save for O, which I just built myself. So, I was able to chop up their footage and build my own credits with their weird animated font. Awesome.

In the end, I'm just so excited that this vid actually exists, considering it started as a vague notion. And I hope that the introduction to the vid makes you think it's just about boobs and booze, just like the movie does, before taking you in a much more interesting direction. I know it's different from my other Club Vivid vids -- a slow jam, not using physical comedy -- but hopefully you still enjoyed it.

p.s. Being able to line up Selena Gomez laughing along with the audio from the song at 1:34 made me very happy.

standing on top of the world

2015-07-08T00:41:14Z

I went to the 2015 Women's World Cup final.

It was an experience unlike any other I will ever have in my life.

Disclaimer: Aside from the ones I'm in, obviously, I have borrowed these pics and gifs from across the internet. There are far too many here for me to track down sources to credit. I apologize. Thank you, wonderful people of the internet, for sharing them with us.

Okay, full disclosure, I've never really liked soccer much (until now). I played it as a kid one year, was pretty terrible at it (probably), and never gave it another thought again. I really really don't like to run, which does not a good soccer player make. Baseball was much more my speed and became my passion. In college when I started watching Sports Night, I chuckled along with Dan's mocking of soccer and the fact that so many games are 1-0 or even 0-0. ("[team] won 2-0 in an offensive shootout!") Looking back now, baseball isn't much better, I concede that point. I grew to really like watching football, where there was both a lot of action and a lot of points on the board. But I never gave another thought to soccer and didn't get why the rest of the world was obsessed with it.

Last year when the men's World Cup happened, my Twitter feed was full of cheering about it, and eventually I thought sure, what the hell and tuned in to the livestream of a game. It wasn't boring! I watched one or two more, I think, even just in part, before the WC ended. I remember being pretty bummed it was done so I couldn't watch more of it. I had forgotten that when you are watching professionals at the highest level play, it almost doesn't matter what the game is, it's going to be entertaining. I also continue to underestimate my underlying, comes-out-every-now-and-then patriotism. Both these factors are why I always enjoy watching the Olympics when I can catch it.

Speaking of the Olympics -- this whole women's soccer thing really shouldn't come as a surprise to me because I'm seeing a lot of parallels between my experience here and my history with women's gymnastics. In 1996, I was 15 and in Atlanta, so the Summer Olympics were a HUGE DEAL. I followed the women's gymnastics team pretty closely (from a distance, I didn't attend anything, sadly) and learned their names and strengths quickly. You kind of get to know them as people as you watch them practice and perform and interview. You start to feel a connection. I felt very, very connected to that team. We were all about the same age, and I'd done gymnastics as a kid, too. I was quite emotionally invested in their success. I got to revisit that a bit in 2012 when the US gymnastics team kicked ass again and I followed it as much as I could. Turns out I have many feelings about awesome ladies from my country doing awesome things together. I think it also certainly plays on my TEAM feelings that connect to shows I love like Firefly and Buffy.

So yeah, that's my back story on that. Let's fast forward to this year.

I knew the women's World Cup was coming because many of my friends were super excited, even planning on attending events. I knew I'd watch a few matches, sure, and cheer them on quietly, but I figured that'd be it. I didn't expect to become invested. I didn't expect to really connect to it. I didn't expect to have A WHOLE LOT OF FEELINGS, and I certainly didn't expect this to become basically my next fandom.

Show's what I know.

My friend Alicia came to visit the second week of June, just as the WWC was starting. I remember the US/Australia game (the US's first match) was on in the background while I was in the next room, and she and my roommate Lara were cheering for various things. In hindsight, I wish I'd actually sat and watched that game with them. But I did join for the next few, quite happily, and their excitement really helped me get excited. They taught me more about the individual players and gave me background info on past events and what led the team there, though there's more I want to explore still. I was certainly interested and started learning names and faces fast. Suddenly, I was really looking forward to their next match and screaming on the couch as either side got near the goal. Suddenly, we're buying Alex Morgan posters for our apartment and watching hours of YouTube videos of the team being adorable doofy nerds. Suddenly, Lara's buying us tickets to the Seattle Reign vs Portland Thorns game so we can see Solo and Rapinoe and Alex and Tobin in person at the end of July (AHHHHH). Suddenly, I'm feeling an emotional connection to these people, more than for any show I'm watching now. And not just one or two key players, but a dozen. More than a dozen! The whole damn team was making me emotional. And most of them were around my age (like my first go with the Olympics) and several were openly gay! And ALL were HELLA ATTRACTIVE, so, you know, there's also that. But also HELLA TALENTED and PASSIONATE, and that's what stole my heart.

Suddenly, I realized, I was in this. Sure enough, I had a new fandom.

Since when did I have SOCCER FEELINGS?! I was as surprised as anyone. I've been waiting for years to feel invested in something new (after Faberry), and I had no fucking clue it would be SOCCER of all things. But then, this team is pretty fucking amazing, so it's not exactly hard to love them. And I really wanted them to find redemption after losing the final in 2011. I truly felt this was Their Time, and I've had this innate sense of peace about the fact that the US would win the cup this year. (Though you might call it entitlement or egotism, heh.) But yeah, as if I could see the future, I just always believed. I knew.

(GAHHHH, LOOKING AT THAT LAST GIF GIVES ME SO MANY EMOTIONS.)

Our friend Kelsey went to the semi-final in Montreal versus Germany, and we were very excited for her but also jealous! What a fun time she must've had. I love things like that, events that feel larger than life. Being in a place where you can just feel like you are a part of something big, something special. It's an amazing feeling. So as soon as the US clinched the win and the TV announcer mentioned that the final would be played in Vancouver, just a 2-hour drive from Seattle, I turned to my roommate and said, "...should we go?!" We should, right?!

(Becky says yes, so we went for it.)

Lara immediately went online to StubHub, and we picked out seats in the 2nd row of the upper level, just a little in front of one of the goals (not quite halfway between goal and midfield). The markup was crazy, but we knew we were gonna do it. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. The WWC hops all over the world, and it would never be this close to us again. And who's to say I'd have these feelings for the team (which would surely be a little different) years from now, even if I did get the chance again? There's just no way. It was now or never. When I fell in love with Glee and joined fandom in 2011, it was near the end of their big final tour, and I never got to see it. I missed that boat. I've always regretted my timing. This time, though, I had the chance to seize the moment and be there, to see these people I love in person and watch them do their thing. I wasn't going to let that pass me by. Not again.

So yeah, due to our lateness in purchasing tickets, we paid a hefty price ($450 each for tickets originally sold for $184), but of course it was all worth it, far more so once we saw the outcome of the game itself!

A part of me felt a little bad. So many of my friends would've given their left arms to go to this game, and here I was, brand new to the whole thing, and I was going to the big mama game. In fact, my very first live soccer game EVER. And it was THIS! I didn't feel worthy. Really, I just wanted to bring all of them with me; I wish I could've. But I was pretty psyched that I got to go. I wanted to be sure I fully appreciated the experience and opportunity I had, because I know it's a big deal. I think I did.

I looked forward to the game all week. Thank goodness we only had to wait five days! We woke up early that morning and drove to Vancouver to try to beat the border traffic. We discussed predictions, hopes, and the starting lineup for the game. (I said we'd beat Japan 2-1, which was pretty optimistic, since 3 goals felt like asking a bit much.) When we were in line to cross into Canada, every other car around us was loaded with people wearing red, white, and blue face paint and crazy gear. We were pretty tame in comparison! Lara had a brand new Alex Morgan shirt, and I found a blue jersey-style shirt in my drawer that I never wear, but it had a 15 on it -- Rapinoe! (And today was her 30th birthday, how cool is that?)

When we arrived in Vancouver, we found the stadium very easily (it kind of looks like a pirate ship!) and didn't have trouble finding affordable parking a few blocks away, either. It was about 10:30 and the stadium didn't open until 1, so we walked around and ate and killed time. The merch line was hella long (like, 50 people at least), but we didn't see anything we really wanted to buy anyway. It was really easy to forget we were actually in a different country, considering how many American supporters were around. The vast majority of the crowd was cheering for USA, but we did see many Japanese fans, too. I did find it amusing that I wasn't quite sure what color(s) I was supposed to wear. USA is obviously red, white, and blue, but Japan has a red and white flag and wears blue uniforms. So....??? Heh. We both wore blue, as did most of the crowd. Sports are fandoms, and going to live games is kind of like going to a con, with everyone dressed up and enjoying the camaraderie. It was a fun spectacle. Really, everyone's just so excited to be there. Great energy in the air. And of course I loved that it was a women's event. No sexist, misogynistic asshats to be seen.

We went to the FIFA Fan Zone for a quick lunch and watched some WWC footage on the big jumbotron screen set up there. It really got you in the mood for what was hopefully going to be a fantastic game. We headed to wait in line at the stadium, as the doors were opening at 1 (three hours before the game) and there was nothing else we wanted to do outside.

We met a lovely old lesbian couple from California standing behind us in line and chatted until the gates opened. Because we were near the front, we were certainly in the first 100 fans that entered the stadium (out of a grand total 53,341 who attended the game.) When we went in, it felt like we had the whole place to ourselves, because we kind of did! And just like I experienced as a kid when you first step out and see that big stadium with the baseball field, it was magical

The soccer field looked much smaller than I expected, and because of that, our seats were better than I thought they'd be. When you spend that kind of money, you think that nothing will feel "worth the price," but this was great. We had a fantastic view, and we were right next to one of the camera operators, so it was a great angle. You can see the crazy difference between sun and shade, as the roof was a dome but partially transparent. The sun moved across the field as the afternoon progressed, and I really do think it ended up making a difference during the game.

2015 World Cup Final - before from jarrow on Vimeo.

We had three hours until game time, but I didn't know when they'd come out to warm up, so I wanted to be sure we didn't miss it. (Turns out, an hour before the game.) Thank goodness I brought magazines! Finally, a few players started trickling out onto the field. The keepers came out first (Hope Solo! Ashlyn Harris!) and did some jogging to warm up together. They left, then maybe ten minutes later both teams came out in full to run drills.

THEY WERE RIGHT THERE! EEEEEE!!! I bought nice binoculars on Amazon before the game specifically for this purpose, and Lara really enjoyed watching her favorites warm up. I find, with this team, there are so damn many people that I have developed affection for, I would be looking from one player to the next going, "AHH! It's [name]! I love you!" *moves to next person* "AHHH!!! It's [name]! I love you!" and repeat ad nauseum. You can't just settle on watching on person because they're ALL wonderful. Emotional whack-a-mole.

So, with a few minutes to go, they all went back inside to change and get ready. The minutes counted down on the jumbotron, the seats filled, and then it was finally (finally) game time! The trophy was marched out, the players came out, and we sang the national anthem together. So yeah, those of you who watched the game live, I was there singing right along with them! (AHHH SO COOL.) We cheered as the starting line-ups were announced, and we were excited to see that it was exactly what we'd predicted (the same as for the Germany semi-final, basically).

back row: Ali Krieger, Alex Morgan, Becky Sauerbrunn, Hope Solo, Lauren Holiday, Megan Rapinoe
front row: Meghan Klingenberg, Morgan Brian, Carli Lloyd, Julie Johnston, Tobin Heath

The captains (Lloyd) did the coin toss (which it seems we won), the players took the field, and it was time to begin! I was really excited to see that Hope Solo was starting on the goal at our end, because that means the US would be scoring on our end in the second half, and that seemed to be when most of their goals came, from what I'd seen. (Ahahaha, welp, THAT didn't hold up here.)

The opening whistle blew, and they were off! And, wow. We had NO IDEA what we were in for.

I should take a moment to explain what I'd felt was my curse this whole tournament. I know I joked earlier about the low scores you see in soccer, but somehow, scores had seemed to be consistently low whenever I was watching a game. No, but seriously. Up until the quarterfinal aired, I had yet to witness a single goal being scored by any team. NOT ONE. IN SIX GAMES. Three of the early games I watched were all draws (0-0), and in the other three, they either scored the only goal when I ran to the bathroom or I had to miss half the game due to another commitment, and that was when they scored. I WAS SO MAD, you guys. I watched something like 6 hours of soccer in the WWC and didn't see A SINGLE GOAL. Just a whole lot of fucking attempts. At one point I remember being like, why am I doing this? Is it really THAT difficult?! WHEN WILL THE TENSION BE RELEASED?!

Of course that streak was finally broken in the quarterfinal, when they can't just draw anymore. I remember screaming "I SAW A GOAL! THEY SCORED A GOAL!" on the couch like a crazy person. Dear lord.

So, my point is, I felt cursed. I told Lara that the final would probably be a low-scoring game since, you know, *I* was there. (I am very powerful.) I apologized in advance.

I assume that most everyone reading this knows just how the game turned out -- with the most goals ever in a WWC final -- and is laughing along with me. CURSE LIFTED. Just when we needed it most!

So! SPEAKING OF GOALS. The game started, and we'd barely stopped cheering the opening kickoff when CARLI FUCKING LLOYD comes flying out of nowhere in our first corner kick, TWO MINUTES INTO THE GODDAMN GAME, and scores!!

LOOK AT THIS FACE I LOVE THIS FACE

WE COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. We were screaming our heads off! Goals aren't often scored in the first 20 minutes or so! Much less right away! The stadium went CRAZY. I was cheering like a madman, because I know how rare soccer goals are, and god only knew if were going to get to see another one. (Retrospect, I know, ahahaha, but we had no idea!) It could've played out for 88 more minutes and finished 1-0. So, we wanted to cheer as much as possible in that moment, and we did. I actually blew my voice out! (A few days later, it's starting to recover.)

Two minutes in, and the US had a safety net. Now Japan had to score not once but twice against the best goalkeeper in the world. Hope Fucking Solo. Who -- let's remember -- had not allowed a single goal in over 500 minutes of play -- not since their opening game against Australia. And now they had to do it twice. HA, good luck.

But then, no sooner was I processing that information, but CARLI FUCKING LLOYD DID IT AGAIN. LIKE THREE MINUTES LATER.

Look at how it goes right through their legs! Insane!!

The whole stadium erupted like a MADHOUSE. TWO goals in FIVE MINUTES?! We were already up 2-0?! How was that even possible! And, seriously, after the first goal, why did the Japanese players not have like four people guarding her?! But man, look at this amazing group of players. Running like a flock of birds, moving together like a well-oiled machine.

It took several minutes for the adrenaline rush to begin wearing off, but the smiles didn't fade, oh no. We were ECSTATIC. I'd predicted two US goals, but surely not in the first five minutes!! We'd taken two shots on goal and they both delivered. THAT was certainly different from the pattern I'd watched on TV for the past month. Japan finally got their first attempt and Solo blocked it (naturally), then it was our ball again. There was some back and forth, as soccer goes, but then, wouldn't you know, just five or so minutes after the second goal, THIS happens:

Lauren Holiday comes zooming up from midfield, catches the bouncing ball at just the right moment, and bangs in another one!

Watching the team's reactions, it was clear that we knew flat out, we're winning this game. With our defense being what it is, there was just no way that Japan was going to overcome a three-nothing deficit. Not happening. It was only 13 minutes into the game, and we were celebrating our victory. We had it in the bag. The Japan team was in a huddle on the field regrouping and probably trying to figure out how the hell they were going to stop this juggernaut of an offense we have. And by this point I learned that I have an official "goal reaction" now, seeing as how I'd just done the same thing three times in a row -- scream "YYYYYEEEEEEAHHHHHHH!" and jump up and down about thirty times waving my tiny little American flag back and forth. Hehe.

Play resumed while all of us are still screaming and hugging and cheering because, holy shit, HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE, but before we could even catch our breath, we saw the most amazing moment of the entire day.

THIS WAS LITERALLY 1 MINUTE AND 15 SECONDS LATER, YOU GUYS. (I CHECKED.)

CARLI FUCKING LLOYD, YOU GUYS.

CARLI. FUCKING. LLOYD.

She saw her chance at FUCKING MIDFIELD with the goalie out far, and she took it, and she got the most amazing goal I've ever seen. (Yes, in my limited experience, but still.) We went ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT WILD in the stadium, y'all. It was unlike anything I'd ever heard. Watching the video now back gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes. It was pure magic. There's just no other way to describe it.

And let's take a moment to recognize some of the records at play here, shall we? Because not only did Lloyd score a hat trick, which is pretty amazing it itself (I think they said something like only 20 of them in World Cup history?) ---

- The only hat trick in a women's World Cup final, ever.
- The fastest hat trick (16 minutes) in World Cup history (men's or women's).
- The first player ever to score a WC final goal from the halfway line.

So, yeah, it was PRETTY FUCKING AMAZING TO WITNESS FIRST-HAND, MY FRIENDS, LET ME TELL YOU.

My memory's a bit hazy, because were were practically in a transcendental state of euphoria, but I think at that point Carli Lloyd took a victory lap like this:

So, yeah. Sixteen minutes into the game, and we're up FOUR-ZERO. I never would've believed it. I STILL don't believe it, and I SAW IT. Lara and I had quite a conversation about how we will never, ever see another game like this one in our entire lives. It's already big enough that it's a World Cup final, but now THIS?! We screamed until we were hoarse and soaked up every moment, because it would never be repeated. I sure picked a hell of a game to be my first soccer match, RIGHT?! Jesus christ. This was beyond my wildest dreams.

Things did calm down after that, heh. Japan finally got a goal 27 minutes in, and I was glad that the fans there were able to celebrate something. There was a louder cheer than I'd expected, honestly! Good for them. I did feel bad for Hope Solo, though, who finally had her streak broken :-( She'd come so close! It was 4-1 going into halftime. My prediction was that we'd score one more and finish at 5-1. I wasn't far off!

Soon into the second half, at the 51-minute mark, Japan got a free kick, and Julie Johnston tried to head it away, but it bounced into the corner of the goal, just beyond Solo's reach. It's of course super awful when you score an Own Goal, but at least we were so far ahead that it didn't matter. Poor JJ though :-( What I did appreciate was that the announcer in the stadium, who'd been calling the names of each player who scored, simply said "a goal credited to Japan" without saying who'd put it in. That was respectful.

BUT THEN! TWO MINUTES LATER!

This is possibly my favorite gif of the day.

Tobin Heath! FIFTH GOAL!! Lara was particularly excited because that's her favorite player. We all felt much better knowing that JJ's OG had just been canceled out. The US just absolutely refused to give up this game. It was GLORIOUS.

The final 35 minutes of the game were fairly calm, and we just watched as USA held them to those two goals and no more. Lara and I tried to embrace every minute because those ninety do go by so fast. Earlier in the game, I'd been frustrated that I didn't have phone service (international, remember); I wanted to share the experience with my friends on Twitter, but eventually I realized it was better without distractions. I wanted to live in the moment completely. We were THRILLED to see Kelley O'Hara come in as a sub, then Abby Wambach, playing in her last WC game ever. In fact, when Wambach came in, Carli Lloyd ran over and gave her the captain's armband. I thought that was really amazing of her to do. She is a true class act.

And how cool that they put Rampone in for the final three minutes? Really neat to give them a great send-off memory like that. At the final whistle, it was a tad anticlimactic because we knew we were going to win the whole time, but it was quite nice having it cemented nonetheless. In fact, hilariously, the digital message that said "Congratulations, USA, World Cup Champions!" displayed all around the stadium went up BEFORE the game was over! It displayed for a moment at the 90-minute mark, before the three minutes of stoppage time. Ha! Oops. Someone must've noticed, because it was only there for a quick second. But three minutes later, time was up and there was even more cheering, of course, because we were champions.

The team spilled out onto the field and hugged and ran back and forth a bit to take it all in with the cheering crowd.

2015 World Cup Final - after from jarrow on Vimeo.

And, yeah, it's exciting that my country won a top international tournament. And it was incredibly exciting to be there to see it. But, personally, this was all about these players. With the emotional investment I have now, seeing these women celebrate with each other was everything to me. EVERYTHING. I'd only been following them for a month, but they'd been through so much together, both highs and lows, over years. And now they'd achieved their dream. Together.

LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY ARE.

Did you catch that part? Where we are the first women's team to win 3 World Cup titles? Yessssssssss.

We had to really high-tail it out of there after the game to be sure we beat the traffic back to the border (I had a 1am flight out for FaberryCon!) But of course we wanted to see the trophy presentation and celebrate more with the crowd. To FIFA's credit, they wasted no time. As soon as the final whistle blew, they were wheeling out the podium. The team kept soaking in the fans' cheering while the podium was being set up, and we could see on the jumbotron that many players were pretty emotional. There was a particularly touching moment when they ran over to their spouses in the crowd. ♥

Abby Wambach and her wife

Each player was given an American flag to hold. Many ran laps with it, others just wrapped it around them and looked out at the crowd. It was so beautiful. You could tell they'd waited their whole lives for this moment. All the sweat and pain and tears, the tens of thousands of hours of work was worth it.

Then, the teams made their way over for the awards presentation. Unfortunately, the podium faced the opposite side of the stands, so we relied on the jumbotron to show us what was going on. As soon as the FIFA officials were announced, the entire stadium BOOED! Holy crap! The camera was on the US team at the time, and Hope Solo and others made faces like "...awkward..." It was kind of hilarious and really in contrast to all the cheering for the players. But the crowd calmed down, and the individual awards were first, like the Golden Ball and Silver Boot to Carli Lloyd, then the Golden Glove to Hope Solo.

Then, Japan got their silver medals. They were clearly crushed by the results. It's one thing to lose, but another to lose in what must have felt like a pretty embarrassing way. I saw many pictures online of the US team in 2011 looking just as despondent as Japan did today. The roles had been reversed. And now the trophy -- and the gold medals -- were ours.

I. LOVE. THESE. PEOPLE.

Not to end on a sour note, but FIFA really needs to get its shit together, because this is absolute bullshit:

I could go on a huge rant about how angry this makes me, but I'm going to hold that in for now. I want to stay in my happy place, and THIS TEAM is my happy place. I may have watched the first 15 minutes of that game several times since, simply because it brings me so much joy.

Congratulations, ladies. Champions of the world.

I have been converted to the world of soccer. And I'm loving it.

saying goodbye

2015-03-21T04:34:10Z

After six years, Glee ends tonight.

I've watched over 100 TV shows to completion in the 13 years I've been fannish. Of those, there are 4 that I would say I was truly fannish about. 4 shows for which I felt I was part of a fandom in some way; 4 shows that, for a period of time, dominated my life/headspace. Buffy (2002-2004), Firefly and Battlestar Galactica (2004-2007), and then Glee (2011-2015). The time gap there (2007-2011) was when I discovered vidding and the vidding fandom dominated my life.

Each show is different. Each fandom is different. Each one is its own experience. Glee has certainly been no exception to that. As the end has approached, I've done a lot of thinking about how I would characterize this particular experience and put into words what it has meant to me. I feel it's only fair I provide context and my history, my story.

My friend Rachael introduced me to Buffy and Firefly, and I think my roommate at the time introduced me to BSG. For a very long time, I was fairly internet-ignorant. Livejournal was my entire world. This was back before Twitter and Tumblr. There were message boards and active communities, I learned later from my vidding friends, but I was completely oblivious to them. For me, being fannish meant something else, something different than it does today.

For the most part, I experienced Buffy, Firefly, and BSG in relative isolation. Watching an episode was a religious experience shared alone in my room, curled up in bed. When it was social, it was with actual present people – a few close friends – but just for rewatches. I didn't know a lot of fannish people, so being so into TV still felt a bit taboo. It was private, in a way. For me, being fannish meant obsessively rewatching episodes. It meant memorizing episode titles, learning every little piece of trivia, books and magazine subscriptions, and buying all sorts of memorabilia on ebay. That was how I felt connected, because I would see these artifacts that proved that someone else out there cared about the same thing I did, even though we'd never meet. In 2005, I learned about conventions, and that changed everything. My year now revolved around going to cons to meet the actors, even though Buffy had been off the air for years and many actors had moved on. I discovered a new high, a new way of connecting, and it filled me to the brim. The other 361 days of the year, though, the experience still largely felt between me and the show. The characters felt like they were my friends, and all mine.

I really sucked at using the internet to find other fans. I'd post reactions to episodes on my (locked) Livejournal, but very few people who saw them knew the context. I followed several LJ communities, but I didn't interact too much. I barely knew about fanfiction or fanvids or fanart. I was largely in a vacuum, other than the friends I already had who also liked Buffy. The friends I did make in fandom (Alice in Firefly, Loren in BSG) were people I met at conventions. I'd literally just start talking to the people in line while waiting for a panel, and if we clicked, great. There was just not a sense of internet community in my life. I didn't really feel that I needed it? But I was also ignorant that it existed to the extent that it did.

Buffy Summers and I are the same age – class of '99. Even though I didn't discover the show until I was halfway through college, her teenage experience resonated with me in many ways. It was my generation. (To this day, Willow is still my #1 identification character of any show. Willow/Tara and Buffy/Faith were my first femslash ships.) So much of the Buffy experience is surviving those teenage years and all the trials and friendships forged along the way. It did well with my age demographic as well as older fans because of its universal themes and general awesomeness. But it changed my life – changed me – on a very real and primal level. Losing Buffy felt like losing a limb. I cried through the entire finale and for 3 solid hours after. No show ever has impacted me so deeply, dramatically, and completely, and none ever will again. You never forget your first fandom.

Firefly and BSG, meanwhile, also focused largely on chosen families and survival, but in different ways. The fanbases were a bit older, on the whole, and more male. While I didn't feel quite the emotional connection with those shows as I did with Buffy, they were the shows of my heart and mind, and they earned it. I met great people and wonderful actors and had a blast going broke at cons. I memorized all the things and bought all the things and rewatched episodes over and over. I got a Firefly tattoo. Being fannish about BSG, for me, also meant vidding the ever-loving shit out of it, particularly any femslash involving Starbuck. I didn't feel their losses as acutely because there were already so many other great shows on my radar at the time, but that doesn't diminish their impact on my life.

Still, I was without a new show of my heart for many years. I still celebrated the other three, but my fannish spree was put on hold when I had to stop going to cons for financial reasons. Fortunately, it was at this time that I found vidding and the VividCon community. I immediately fell into a circle of incredible people, and suddenly things were different. I was now experiencing fandom in a new way, an interactive and collaborative way. Suddenly I was in a chat room every night. Suddenly I had fannish people to talk to every day, not just at cons. I had real, live, dependable and lovely friends! It did wonders for my self esteem; words can't describe. And I had more than one or two friends in my fandom of the year. Because we came together over a common activity, not a common show, it was a great mix of likes and histories. We're still close to this day, even though we come in and out of step fannishly, as is going to happen.

It all exploded in living color for me at VividCon 2007, my first time attending a fan con, not a large corporate con. It changed everything. I think I wrote 10,000 words about my four days there when I got home. In meeting those wonderful people, I learned what I'd been missing out on the last five years. Being fannish in isolation didn't hold the same appeal anymore. There was no going back.

Many great shows came and went over the next few years (Friday Night Lights, The Wire, etc.) but nothing that made me want to become a part of a community about it. More curious than anything, I watched Glee in summer 2010 after the first season finished, and I liked it, but I wasn't fannish about it (and didn't think I ever would be). But then life took another unexpected turn.

A year later, in 2011, my friend James introduced me to Tumblr right at the same time we completed a full (2 season) rewatch of Glee. Suddenly, the show became about beautiful ladies who sing and interact with other ladies, rather than the show just being about a group of kids in glee club together. In that instant, I fell hard for Glee, like I was seeing it clearly (queerly?) for the first time. (It's only fair I mention that my Livejournal confirms that Quinn's haircut played a very significant role in my falling for her at that time.) Suddenly, the internet was alive with the sound of fandom. There were shiny pictures! There were videos! There was yummy angsty fic! There were so many people talking about things! And suddenly, I was in a fandom, a true online community for a TV show for the very first time. Specifically, the Faberry fandom.

It took me time to find my footing, though. My background, again, is watching episodes in isolation and then going to cons to talk to people. Glee isn't a genre show like Buffy, Firefly, and BSG. There weren't really Glee cons. (A few exist, but usually outside the US.) I started reading fic, as James educated me, but I still didn't really know how to find people on Tumblr to talk to about things. I'd post in tags, but nobody knew me, so no one talked to me. It was a whole year before I ultimately decided that I wanted to try bringing the joy of cons to this fandom. The rest is FaberryCon history. And, if I can speak to my ego for a second, making the vid “The Coming Out of Quinn Fabray” gave me a name in a fandom for the first time (outside of VividCon). That was really cool. FaberryCon helped with that, too – feeling like I was someone special within something special.

But all the joy FaberryCon has brought me is a separate entity from my relationship with the show. My fannishness always ultimately depends on my emotional connection with the show. For several months, I was in an unequivocally happy love place with Glee. Hell, James and I absolutely bawled through the Glee concert movie when we saw it 3 times in the theater. We wanted so badly to be a part of that special thing. The actors and the characters and the music were the lifeblood in our veins. The love I felt for Glee was true and real, and I will never deny it. That golden summer after season 2, we were on cloud nine and full to the brim with emotions. But we were experiencing it, really, just the two of us together. Glee was ours.

This wasn't the first time a show deteriorated in quality over time. (I made a rage vid about BSG to express those feelings.) But it was the first time that I had a community of people in that show's fandom to carry me through and keep the love alive when the show was moving in a different direction (or five). I wasn't obsessively rewatching episodes and memorizing episode titles and devouring trivia. This time, a show was just as much in my heart, but in a completely new way. It was about different things this time – music and community, fandom. That was very new and quite unexpected. (Okay, it was also about femslash, but that was nothing new, heh.) The more the show veered away, the more I reached out to find something – people – to fill the void and talk to. I sought out new friends to help make it better, heh.

Though at the time I was quite frustrated to come into Glee fandom just as it had peaked, the timing turned out to be not so bad after all, because I was experiencing the joy of these new friendships and fics to read in lieu of reliving the joy of episodes. The focus shifted quite dramatically from my experience with the show itself and toward the con and Tumblr and this community. The more the show distanced itself from what I wanted from it, the closer my friends and I became. Of course I wish I could've shared in the joy of the early Faberry fandom. I'd give anything to have been a part of the early years when things were new and happening. But, it is what it is. And here in the Twitter and Tumblr era, I found now that I always had someone to talk to who liked the thing I liked (or didn't like the thing I didn't like). In fact, I had fifty someones, not just one or two. I found myself running weekly video chats for ten and scheduling semi-annual vacations because we couldn't stand to go more than a few months without seeing each other. We cared about each other as people, not just as boxes of text occupying our screens.

I've been thinking lately about this generational aspect of Glee. I'm almost 34 years old. Glee isn't going to resonate with me the same way it would if I were 17. It's not supposed to. But I see this new generation of teenagers and twenty-somethings who feel Glee defines them in a way. This show speaks to them and for them. And I think that's pretty fantastic, because it has made their lives better and made them happier people. Flaws of the show aside, it's really powerful for the fans to feel like a part of something special. I know how much I appreciated that with Buffy. Sure, I wish the show had made many different choices along the way, but that doesn't change the fact that it meant something to a lot of people. It meant a lot to me and still does. I'm a deeply nostalgic person, and I know that I'll look back on Glee with more love than frustration over time. The bad stuff fades away. Why should I continue to bitch about a botched storyline when I can instead remember how happy a Rachel line made me? And while I can't say I connect with the Glee kids as if I'm one of them, I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I could've been one of them. I'm forever grateful that Buffy was my gateway fandom, but I'm glad that this new batch of people who needed something to believe in and identify with, the ones who wanted it and found it, had Glee.

The truth is, there will never be another show like Glee. How could there be? It had over 700 musical performances, for crying out loud. Glee tried to do a lot of things and was, in the end, its own unique thing, for better and for worse.

And it's strange, because while I feel weird calling it the show of my heart right now (...it's the fandom of my heart), and I absolutely think it has run its course and then some, I'm still not ready to say goodbye to it. It's selfish of me. Because when canon isn't closed, there is still possibility. There is still hope. There is still anticipation and discovery and novelty. I thrive on those things just as a person, separate from Faberry. And I knew that the show wasn't going to be able to get back to its glory days or give me the things I wanted, but at least there was always still a chance, and that was something. When it's done, it's done, and all we have is all we have.

The Faberry fandom really began splintering three years ago after “On My Way,” as people stopped watching Glee. I've watched my friends move on to other shows and other ships – Carmilla, Faking It, The 100, Legend of Korra, Orphan Black, etc. This is only natural. I mean, I was the most hardcore Willow/Tara shipper you'd ever meet back in 2003, but I can't remember the last time I had a conversation about it. Eventually, we get saturated and the same things become dulled, and we look for new excitement. It happens. And just like I know how the Browncoats cling hard to our 14 episodes and will buy any swag with “Aim to Misbehave” or “Shiny” on it, the Faberrians will milk every gardenia and lemon and gold star and green ribbon til we're blue in the face. We cling, we stretch. We hold on. We work with what we have, which often isn't a lot and never is enough.

What's rough for me, at this moment in time, is that almost all of my Faberry friends have already moved on to other things, but I haven't. They haven't abandoned Faberry in their hearts, but they're talking about other ships with the same excitement. It's not that I'm still so completely wrapped up in Faberry. There just hasn't been anything else since that has resonated with me. I'm watching 10 different things, but I don't have a show of my heart right now, so it's kind of just still Glee by default, even though I have very complicated feelings about it.

I'm also not ready to be over Faberry. I'm not taking these framed collages down any time soon. I've never had the emotional pull with any pairing ever as I've had with this one. In 13 years of fannishness, nothing has grabbed me like they did, period. I mean, I started a con, for christ sake. So, while a part of me is excited for the next thing, to be excited at that level again, to feel things be new again, I'm sad that it won't be this all over again. This pairing, these people, this experience. Because it can't be. It'll be something else, and that will have to be okay. Who knows, maybe it'll be better somehow. But it won't be Quinn and Rachel, it won't be FaberryCon.

The show is ending tonight, but the fandom will live on, if only in our hearts and not as much in our minds. We'll have the con for as long as we can, and the stories will live on, and we'll watch the vids over and over until it just doesn't bring the same joy anymore. Canon is closed, and it'll never be new again. We'll never have any more of it. I'll shed some tears tonight as they reminisce, because nostalgia gets me where I live, and because their good times were also my good times. The best of the show is long behind us, and, with people drifting to new things, I know that the best of this fandom might be behind us as well. That's the part that makes me sad, because it's been so wonderful. I'm honored to have been a part of it. But hey, I could very well be wrong. And saying goodbye to the show doesn't mean saying goodbye to each other. Not yet. Maybe not ever. At this point in my life, I'm a bit in limbo – I don't really have a best friend, I don't have a partner, and I don't have an airing show of my heart. But I'm not alone. I'm far from alone. I have a family. Faberry did that. Glee did that.

I'm raising a glass tonight to this show and everything it's brought me. It brought me music. It brought me joy. It brought me laughter. It brought me romance and art and passion. It brought me a community I never thought I could find and don't ever want to be without. And I will cherish these times, these years, forever.

NEW VID: "Just Another Girl"

2014-11-28T02:16:16Z

I can't believe it's been 2 years since I posted a vid. Well, here goes nothing.

"Just Another Girl"
Source: Glee
Music: The Killers
Summary: Rachel Berry will never be just another girl. Not to Quinn Fabray.

Download: [here] (mp4, 52MB)
Tumblr: [here]

Just Another Girl from jarrow on Vimeo.

password: rachel

So, I really didn't think I'd ever be vidding Glee again. I said all I had to say about it, all that I felt needed to be said. Things that I hadn't thought had been done or said yet. (Namely, a massive scene reconstruction and that lesbians dance sometimes.) And I don't feel that this video says anything that hasn't been said before, but I guess I still wanted to say it my way. I do that sometimes. (I should also admit that I've already started a farewell vid that I'll finish after s6 concludes.)

I started this vid in January, a few months after The Killers released their music video with Dianna in it. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do with it. I really liked the footage of Dianna (because, you know, I'm not blind) and thought it would be neat to vid with it. I talked to my vidder friends in February about it, because I wasn't sure if it was "okay" to use it or not. On the one hand, it seemed incredibly convenient that the same actress who plays the character on the show (and the POV of the vid) is lip syncing the damn song I'm vidding! It's a silver platter situation. At the same time, is it a cop out to use it? Is it too predictable? Is it crossing lines between fiction and non or destroying the fourth wall? I wasn't sure. I decided to try using what I could (which was problematic in itself, as I refused to use any of the mustache footage...a solid third of the video).

In the end, it was moot. My first draft had Dianna in it, using the music video footage like Glee does as an imagined singing scene for Quinn. But it became harder and harder to blend the worlds because I needed less and less of Dianna as the vid progressed. The most exciting moments of Dianna in the music video were places that I wanted to have Rachel, so it wasn't actually working. Eventually, I asked myself, "Why is she even here anymore?" I took out Dianna altogether. Strange how the initial idea for the video ended up being the thing I scrapped.

Once I decided to just use Glee footage, then it was a matter of making it work. I must have redone the opening thirty seconds twelve different ways, at least. I knew the instrumental sections were Rachel and the lyric parts were Quinn, but when would it blend/change? How could I do that successfully? I wanted to have a balance between showing Quinn's POV and writing a love letter to Rachel Berry -- her ups and downs, her strengths and weaknesses, her glamorous side and her doofus side. I went through many versions of this vid trying to get it right (yes, I said the thing). I had way more clips than I could ever fit, which led to some tough choices. But the great fun in that was using a lot of clips I'd never used (or even seen) before -- since I'd never vidded past season 3. So, I'm hoping that Faberry fans who watch this will see a lot of fresh clips alongside the classics. I definitely didn't want to beat certain scenes into the ground, but there are things you have to establish; it is what it is. But I'm really excited about using so much later season footage. Yay. It was also interesting working with so much talky face intentionally. I haven't done that too much previously, but I liked it here. I think having so many other characters in a ship vid was a nice breath of fresh air.

So yeah, I started the vid in January and then put it down for...9 months. I had maybe 5 clips laid down when I stopped. In May, my FaberryCon friend Alex told me she'd made her own vid (same song and premise), and I showed it at FaberryCon North. It's interesting how different they are considering how we drew from the same pool. I mean, it's not like this is some revolutionary idea; I'm sure there are dozens of versions of this vid out there. I like hers, and I like this one, too. I'm glad I followed through in making mine, if only so I could get back on the vidding horse again. It felt really good to be working on something. And I wanted to show myself that I could finish a vid again. I wasn't willing to wait for new s6 clips. It was important to me to release this by the holidays as a thank you and gift of sorts to my people. ♥

My friend Kayla was kind enough to help me match the credits for a nifty byline. I showed her drafts as I went, which was helpful, as always. I do so need a cheerleader. Even if she is mean sometimes.

me: I'm rewatching the draft back now. Man, people really like to say shit to Quinn and then walk away.
Kayla: Her entire life is people turning their back on her.
me: OUCH. WHY. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT.

I didn't learn any big lessons in vidding with this project, unless you count learning a new software (CS4). That certainly was a hurdle to jump. (Thank you again, Becca.) More than anything, I broke my cycle of inertia and I remembered how wonderful this hobby can be when the going's good. I'm happy.

I'm releasing this on Thanksgiving and dedicating it to my Rachel stans -- Pooh, Pouty, Molly, and Dak. This year I'm thankful for Rachel Berry, and I'm thankful for you ♥

Probable Robot!

2014-09-27T15:46:57Z

So, my peoples.

I am coming out of lurkerness to let you know about a VERY IMPORTANT THING.

My FaberryCon co-chair, Karyn, is a filmmaker and screenwriter, on top of being an incredible fic writer. She's working on her third feature right now, Probable Robot, (press release is here), which is a sci-fi/B-movie/comedy thing described as "Clerks meets Invasion of the Body Snatches for generation Netflix, made by a ladygay." She is writing, directing, and producing it, and it features two queer lady leads (who happen to be ex-girlfriends. Who work in neighboring retail shops. And must begrudgingly work together to stop a robot takeover.) Seriously, go read about it and/or watch videos of Karyn talking about it. It's so cool. It's also the biggest professional project she's ever taken on, and we want this to be her big break. She's amazing and she deserves it.

We need your help.

She's making this movie because representation is important, and because almost all lesbian movies are sad or terrible and/or focus on the coming out process or girl-meets-girl. Here, the queerness is omnipresent but not center stage as the reason for the story. It's just queer ladies kicking ass because they can. And it's really, really important.

I'm late to promoting this here, I confess, as I've just been focused on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr. (Oops.) But there's only one more week left in the campaign to raise funds, and we're still far short of where we'd like to be to make the best movie we can. (I say "we" because I'M IN IT. YEP. Just as an extra on video, but still! MY FACE IS IN THIS MOVIE.)

If you have $5 (or more!) to throw at it, that would be amazing. I've proudly put a large chunk of change in, but I know not everyone can do that, obviously. But there is a $1 level that gets your name on the credits, and awesome perks higher than that. Even if you can't support it financially, would you please consider supporting us by spreading the word. Every signal boost helps. Here's what you can link to, as you like:

- The official IndieGoGo campaign page
- Twitter
- Tumblr or reblog this post

Really, anything helps, and you'll have my undying gratitude. ♥

video contest

2014-01-02T18:22:57Z

A few weeks ago, I made a music video for Toad the Wet Sprocket, one of my favorite bands, to enter their contest for their new single. The winner gets to have dinner with them before a show, which would be a dream come true.

The entries have been posted, and it'd be really great if you'd take 10 seconds and go vote for mine by clicking the heart under my video. You can watch it there, too, of course.

I'm already getting crushed in votes by what I agree is the best video, so right now I'm kind of both resigned to losing this thing I really wanted and feeling sick to my stomach over how hard I worked on it. But who knows, maybe it'll turn around. A few votes from y'all will help me feel less crushed. ♥

James Butterworth live web concert!

2013-08-06T05:54:54Z

In preparation for his return to VividCon (and a post-FaberryCon celebration), James is going to livestream an hour-long concert on Wednesday night! You can get a ticket for only $3! All proceeds go directly toward funding his next album. In fact, we'd really appreciate if you'd consider buying a ticket even if you can't attend. It's a really great cause.

You can read full details on the performance and the platform here, or if you're familiar with StageIt, you can go directly to his concert page and do the thing :-) The "top tipper" gets to choose any song you want for James to cover and post to YouTube!

Thank you so much in advance for your support! We hope to see you there!

jarrow @ 2013-01-19T09:51:00

2013-01-19T17:51:14Z

I won Festivids, you guys. Y'all can all go home now.

LOOK AT MY PREZZIES:

Tonight, Tonight (Hook) -- MY CHILDHOOD WAS MAGICAL. I believe in you, Peter! I believe! This is gorgeous and thematic and, oh man, the homerun and the handholds and the everything. Go watch and remember.

Beautiful in Los Angeles (The LA Complex) -- Okay, when I said in my wish list that I wanted a Kaldrick vid, I DIDN'T THINK I'D ACTUALLY GET IT. *flails forever* I finished watching it a few minutes ago, and I'm still teary and taking deep breaths to steady myself. You all seriously don't know what you're missing if you're not watching TLAC, but maybe this will show you.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to whomever made these fabulous vids. You have made me SO VERY HAPPY. I feel very spoiled for a first time Festividder. Thank you.

Also, a bonus insta-rec: Come and Find Me (Imagine Me & You) -- Absolutely perfect, wow. Wow.

shameless plug

2013-01-03T21:28:32Z

Hey folks! As you probably know by now, I am running FaberryCon in Atlanta next month! It's a pretty big deal. Well, to us. And to me.

(and to them)

We have just released Supporting Memberships for sale, which is super exciting. This gets you a badge/lanyard, program, buttons/swag, and a DVD recording of 3 key events we're having at the con, all for just $15!

I know very few (if any) of you all on my flist are Faberry shippers, but! I thought you might be interested in supporting our con anyway by donating to our cause. You know, because you love me and you want us to be successful and shit. Fan cons are very tough to get off the ground, and we can always use a little extra help. Even if just 5 of you chip in, that's providing us more opportunities than we would have had otherwise.

So! If that sounds like something you'd like to do, you can head to our payment page, where the Paypal buttons live. If you want to help us out but don't need any of the stuff that comes with a supporting membership, you can still use that button and just put a note saying "support only, no stuff needed!" or something to that effect, or just email me. (But of course, you can get a full-fledged supporting membership if you want! It's good stuff!)

Big thanks in advance to anyone who helps us out! :-D It means a lot.

year-end wrap-up: vids!

2013-01-02T03:56:39Z

[2007] [2008] [2009] [2010] [2011]

2011 was such an anomale for me in terms of output; 2012 was back to my typical flow. I would have gotten another one done if I hadn't thrown myself into FaberryCon, but I still feel good about this batch.

My 2012 vids (in order completed)
1) You and I (Tomboy)
2) Telephone (24)
3) Mr. Brightside (The Talented Mr. Ripley)
4) I Wanna Dance (Glee)
5) [Festivid] -- my first ever! (To be released soon.)

My favorite video this year (of my own):

This is honestly tough because I care about three of them so deeply, but I have to go with I Wanna Dance. I have rewatched it more than probably any vid I've ever made, and it still gives me ALL THE FEELINGS six months later. The last 20 seconds or so is just so tight and exactly what I wanted, and did I mention it's DANCING LESBIANS? Yeah.

Telephone certainly consumed the most time out of this list, though. To contrast, I made my Festivid in a day, and I spent 3 months just rewatching the source for Telephone. But it was worth it. And I'm glad to say I don't feel I necessarily have a "best" vid this year. I think several of them can stand shoulder to shoulder in their own way.

My least favorite video this year:

Either my Festivid or Mr. Brightside. Not because they're bad or I don't like them, I just don't have the same connection to them as I do the other three. I made them for other people, not for me.

Most successful video:

This depends on your definition of success. Telephone has gotten the best reviews from the VVC crowd, and I was so pleased with how well it went down at Club Vivid. I think it's my biggest vid of the year. But I Wanna Dance has ~450 notes on Tumblr, and that's certainly something.

Video most underappreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

...and in the same breath, I have to admit, I'm surprised I Wanna Dance didn't get more attention from the Glee fandom on Tumblr. I don't mean to dismiss the 450 notes; I am grateful for them! I heart notes. They're not the be all end all, but they make me happy. Most "famous" Glee vids that I've seen get 2-3,000 notes, and then there's the Quinn vid with 7,500 (o.O). I thought there would be more overlap in audience between my two, I guess? But they're completely different vids, so I can't really directly compare them. All my vids have been well received this year, so this is me getting really nitpicky.

Most fun video:

SURPRISE, DANCING LESBIANS. But honorable mention to Jack Bauer and how fun it was to give him a REALLY BAD DAY.

Video with single sexiest moment:

SURPRISE, DANCING LESBIANS. (God, this is just the I Wanna Dance meme, isn't it. Sorry about that.) But hmm, what is the sexiest moment...OH. When Quinn slides her body up the football pad thing on stage and Rachel is watching with her jaw dropped. That, or when Rachel pushes Finn away and then turns to find Quinn. Or the entire vid, let's be honest.

Biggest vid fail:

My biggest fail would probably be what I didn't do this year. I had plans to make a Misfits vid over Thanksgiving, but then I started a con, so that didn't happen. There was also that whole vid dvd mess that's currently in Pips's closet, but I've already rambled about that once today.

Hardest video to make:

Telephone took forever with the source, so that was a tough process that required a lot of patience (and note taking). Mr. Brightside was tough because I had to find a way to use only 66% of a movie in a way that puts the middle at the end and still makes sense. Very difficult. My Festivid and You and I were both embarrassingly easy. I Wanna Dance was somewhere in the middle. I had a legit panic attack when I started laying down clips because I got too overwhelmed with how I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but once I got into it, it was fine.

The things I've learned this year:

- I can make movie vids in a day. I've done this before (and I've taken longer before), but it's happened a few times now, and it's useful knowledge for me to have. When I need to just crank something out and feel productive, I can turn to this and get my groove back.

- I consider left to right carried motion my bread and butter, for better or worse. I own it.

- Auctions are not as scary as I thought! I tried both the VVC auction and Festivids this year. I'd made vids for my friends before, but this was very different. There were expectations and they were strangers and omg what was I doing. But both processes were relatively painless, and I think I'll be trying it again in the future!

- Big vids are worth it. I'm so, so glad I went through the time and effort to make Telephone. It was an accomplishment, and I'm very proud of it. I need to remember this when it comes time to do my next giant vid.

- I really like Faberry. (Ok, I already knew that.)

For 2013:

Ahahaha. Um. I will be lucky to make 2 or 3 vids next year, on account of the first half of the year being all FaberryCon all the time. That's VVC vidding season, for those following along at home. I am hoping to have ONE vid for VVC, but at this point, I don't even have a Club Vivid song in mind I could use :-( I have some Premieres ideas, but they're big and scary, and I'd rather have a CV vid anyway, so ugh. I don't know. *throws hands up*

This year wasn't a big push for me in any particular way, just kind of floating along and maintaining. I enjoy the vids I made; I don't feel I'm slipping or anything. I look forward to having more time for vidding when there aren't other pressing projects. And I am greatly interested to see the Vidder Profile being done on me as we speak. Vidding: yay!

Dear Festividder letter

2012-10-07T17:27:07Z

OMG. Festividder! Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's my very first Festivids, and you are now a part of my cherry popping. (Congratulations?) I am SO EXCITED that you are making a vid for me! I will tell you a secret: Nobody has ever made me a vid before. Never ever. Which means I automatically will love whatever you make unequivocally. The bar is set pretty low here; you lucked out! \o/ And to make it even easier for you, I have selected 8 things that make me very, very happy and that I love very, very much but aren't omfg the thing of my heart, so you can totally relax. Have fun! ♥

Hook: (safety)
Oh man, this is such a big piece of my childhood. I was 11 when it came out and I probably watched it 100 times. I wanted to be a Lost Boy so badly, or at least fly and kidnap hot girlfriends out of bedroom windows (wait, that sounds bad). I love both the Peter Pan universe and the idea of rediscovering yourself when you are lost, so this movie hit all my buttons. This film made imagination and wonder so alive, you know? I'd be happy with pretty much anything here. A retelling of the film, a vid about Peter's journey, a vid about Jack, anything. I know your vid would capture the heart of the film, and that's what most important.

The LA Complex:
KAAAAAAAALDRICKKKKKKKK. That's about as coherent as I can be about this show. I would love a Kaldrick character study that spans both seasons. His storyline is so rich and heartbreaking. I love most of the characters, though, so I'd even settle for a gen vid or a Raquel or Abby character study, but please no Connor. And if my festividder happens to be kuwdora, I want that Nick vid we keep talking about. I want you to make it for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. *grabby hands*

Rainbow Brite:
My childhood again! This show made me a big lez. I still have "The Mighty Monstromurk Menace" on VHS here in my room. I'm incredibly easy here -- I'll take anything. I don't have many specific memories of the show outside the Monstromurk storyline (which I love, especially the Brian character's journey), so anything you go with is fine. I love Rainbow's leadership and how kickass she is, so anything about the family dynamic of the Rainbow Kids or what a BAMF Rainbow herself is would be particularly solid here. Just think "big sparkly rainbow lesbians" and you'll be on target. The more rainbows, the better, is what I'm saying.

Survivor:
Don't let the fact that I've vidded this myself scare you! There are many more Survivor vids I want that I'm too lazy to make. The one I want most is about the two seasons with women's alliances that ran strong to the end (seasons 16 and 24). Anything about girl power will work here, though, so feel free to use other seasons too if you like. I also have a BIG love of Kim/Chelsea from season 24, so you could just make me a vid about them and I will love you FOREVER. Or, I'd love a Parvati study (seasons 13, 16, and 20), because she fucking rocks.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: (safety)
CHILDHOOD. This movie is so amazing. (I wanted to live in the Foot lair so badly.) Anything you do with this will work for me. Just roll with it and eat a lot of pizza and have fun.

The Wire:
I admit my request here is pretty specific -- I want there to be an Avon/Stringer vid in this world so much. I've tried to find a song to do it myself, but I just haven't yet. Hopefully you will have better luck! But in lieu of that, anything about the Wire universe will work for me. Make me an Omar character study. Make me a Kira character study. Make a gen vid about how fucked up Baltimore is or the bureaucratic system or anything. My favorite seasons are 1 and 3, if that helps. OOH, make me a Marlo vid! The Wire is so amazing, anything you do with it will be great.

The Wizard: (safety)
OH HEY LOOK IT'S MY CHILDHOOD AGAIN. This was the coolest movie ever made. It has the worldwide reveal of Mario Brothers 3. It has baby Tobey Maguire trying to be a punk. It has NKOTB playing in the background twice. It has THE POWER GLOVE, WHICH IS SO BAD. It has threats of breast touching and fake dinosaurs and skateboarding your way across America. This movie has it all. Anything you do with it will be amazing. Just a strict retelling is fine, or you could focus on the family aspects, or the Nintendo aspects, or the journey the trio takes. Anything. I'm super easy here.

Zerophilia: (safety)
As a trans person, this movie went straight to my heart. Oh, Luke. Oh, Michelle. Oh, all of them. Any vid that captures the goofy yet sincere, hopeful spirit of this film will work for me.

YAY FESTIVIDS.

new Vimeo vid channel!

2012-08-21T04:43:45Z

Well, it took me all evening, but I am now proud to announce that I've set up my own Vimeo vid channel with all my vids, yay! Vimeo has been good to me for the last year or two, so I've decided to commit (financially, even) and permanently keep all my vids there as opposed to YouTube or another streaming site. For whatever reason, you should be able to watch everything on this channel page without the passwords? (I don't understand why the privacy settings are being overridden/disregarded, but whatever.) I'll keep it updated as I make new vids, so feel free to subscribe if you're a Vimeo user.

[vids by jarrow on Vimeo]

I have also updated my website with current info/links as well as updated all my old LJ vid posts with permanent links and streaming information, taking out the messy crap. Phew!

VVC recs

2012-08-15T05:41:40Z

I may come back and post more recs later; I am hesitant to promise that. But I can strongly recommend these for sure!

My Personal Favorite Vids of the Con:

- Premieres Intro Vid (multi) by Greensilver
YES I AM RECCING THE INTRO VID. Because it is AMAZING. I was expecting the standard "don't _____" rules intro vid with hilariously animated llamas, and instead we got THIS. It stands on its own in concept and execution, but you have to also imagine what it was like to watch this large in the dark room as you're heading into the Premieres show. It was MAGICAL. I got chills and was grinning like an idiot.

- Barton Hollow (Homeland) by Eunice
This vid is visually stunning, full of delicious layers of narrative, and absolutely compelling from start to finish. Arguably the strongest vid (as a whole) from this year's con, in my opinion.

- Possession (Legend of the Seeker) by bradcpu
This vid is absolutely gorgeous, and was a huge highlight of Premieres for me. Beyond my shallowness of girl-kissing = MAJOR YAY, it's just a visual feast in every way. I've spent some time trying to parse out the specific POV shifts in the vid, which are not always clear, but I think I have it now! At the same time, the combination of this song with these characters means that it could be multiple things and still work, heh. This is going on my "rewatch frequently" list.

- Everything is Wrong (Community) by Laura Shapiro
This vid makes me so happy! Possibly my very favorite of Laura's vids, ever. It's so full of heart, both on-screen and off. She balances the variety of tones in the vid very well, as well as the Britta vs ensemble nature of it. Not a misstep in the whole thing. A stand-out from Premieres.

- The Adventure (Harry Potter) by Greensilver
Oh hey, maybe you heard there was a Neville vid this year. Probably not, though. Everyone hated it and nobody cried. You should try it just to see how crappy it is. *kicks Jen over*

- Say Aha (Aliens) by Absolute Destiny
This vid ROCKS. It is just fantastically kinetic and delicious. It starts out moving and only builds from there just when you think there can't be anywhere bigger to go. Another standout from Premieres for me. It was incredible on the big screen with the beat pulsing through the speakers. Also, I really need to rewatch these films.

Other Things Not to Be Missed:

- Let Me Put My Love Into You (Bitch Slap) by sweetestdrain
People who have not seen this movie are possible unsure what to do with this vid. But let me tell you: LOVE IT. Embrace it. For it is badass, and the movie is absolutely amazing crack, and I heart them both.

- Anything For Love (Thor, meta) by Astolat and Speranza
What fan hasn't known that feeling when your friend is pulling you kicking and screaming into something new, and then you let your guard down because, yeah, you totally want to go there. This had us howling.

- Summer of 69 (Doctor Who) by Greensilver
This vid gives me Ponds Feels. I don't often get those, but now I have ALL OF THEM. Also, brilliant use of the lyrics to make the show's complicated family ties not so difficult to understand! Love. This. Vid.

- Starships (multi) by bironic
So fun! Literal starships! ALL of the starships! Flying and shooting things and being awesome! This vid has a slow build but the payoff is terrific.

- I'm Gonna Be (Glee) by Milly
Rachel Berry vid! Full of joy and drive and feels! ♥

- Ride to California (Avengers) by bradcpu
I know, I'm legitimately as stunned as you that I'm reccing Avengers, but this vid is very pretty and actiony and looks cool! You should check it out.

- The Royal We (Hunger Games) by bradcpu
I clearly hated Brad's vids this year. This one is no exception. Don't miss it.

- That's Not My Name (Fringe) by rhoboat
A very clever and delightful Astrid vid! Yay!

- Jag Svar (meta) by lunate8 and friends
OMG Someone remade "I Swear" in live action! ♥ This killed at the con.

- How I Got Over (The Wire) by here's luck
A heartbreaking vid about The Wire season 4, which focused on the kids of the streets of Baltimore.

- A Different Kind of Love Song (fandom) by giandujakiss
A fun look at fandom in fandom. It makes me smile every time.

NEW VID: Mr. Brightside

2012-08-13T00:56:20Z

I think I made a gay thing even gayer. Whoops?

"Mr. Brightside"
Source: The Talented Mr. Ripley
Music: The String Quartet Tribute
Summary: How did it end up like this?
for Hannah

Download: [here] (xvid, 60MB)

Permanent link will be available at my website. Please use the sendspace link until it expires for tracking purposes and as a courtesy to those who provide me free web hosting. Thank you.

Big thanks yet again to sweetestdrain for beta help. And thanks as well to Hannah, my bidder, for making my first auction experience painless and enjoyable!

password: ripley

I was nervous going into this process, I confess. I'd never done an auction before! Ever! I am too unwilling to relinquish control, or something. And I'm too picky about my vid ideas. I don't know. But I wanted to try it, and I am pleased to report that I had a great time. A+, would do again.

It helped significantly that this vid was right in my wheelhouse, I felt. I'd never made an actual slash vid before, so that bit was new, but instrumentals with escalation and lots of pretty motion? Yes please. Big thanks again to Hannah for tossing me something she knew I could catch. I really appreciated that.

I hadn't seen the movie before, but after the 24 vid, vidding a movie was a welcome change, heh. Hannah and I had some great conversation about the vid concept and how to make it work. The biggest problem is that the film's second climax, that ends the film, happens off-screen (done in voice-over). So, how do you vid that? The short answer is, you can't. That rendered a huge chunk of the film (an entire character's storyline) basically unusable. That complicated things significantly at the outset. Once I dug into the vid, though, I found that I had just enough of the remaining storylines to make what I felt was a reasonably coherent, full, and interesting vid. The trick now was to take the climax in the middle of the movie (the turning point, effectively) and make that the vid's climax. Only, half the vid's content takes place after that climax, so how do you make that work? It was an interesting challenge. I hope the delayed reveal works. I am only 85% sure that I actually pulled it off.

Thanks, as always, for watching. Feedback is always appreciated!

NEW VID: Telephone

2012-08-11T14:03:30Z

I am so earnest about this vid, it hurts a little inside.

"Telephone"
Source: 24
Music: Lady Gaga
Summary: Jack Bauer really just wants CTU to stop calling him, okay.
Spoilers: whole series, many character deaths

Download: [here] (xvid, 60MB)

Permanent link will be available at my website. Please use the sendspace link until it expires for tracking purposes and as a courtesy to those who provide me free web hosting. Thank you.

Big thanks to kuwdora for watching drafts and helping me work the kinks out, to absolutedestiny for magical split screen tech instruction, and to killabeez for cheering the vid idea on at its inception.

password: telephone

Hello, hello, baby, you called? I can't hear a thing
I have got no service in the club, you say? say?
Wha-wha-what did you say, huh?
You're breakin' up on me
Sorry I cannot hear you
I'm kinda busy
Kinda busy, Kinda busy
Sorry I cannot hear you I'm kinda busy

Just a second, It's my favorite song they're gonna play
And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh?
You should've made some plans with me
You knew that I was free
And now you won't stop calling me
I'm kinda busy

Stop callin', Stop callin'
I don't wanna think anymore
I left my head and my heart on the dancefloor
Stop callin', Stop callin'
I don't wanna talk anymore
I left my head and my heart on the dancefloor

Stop telephonin' me
I'm busy
Stop telephonin' me

Can call all you want but there's no one home
And you're not gonna reach my telephone
Out in the club
And I'm sipping that bubb
And you're not gonna reach my telephone

Boy, the way you blowing up my phone
Won't make me leave no faster
Put my coat on faster
Leave my girls no faster
I should've left my phone at home
'Cause this is a disaster
Calling like a collector
Sorry, I cannot answer

Not that I don't like you
I'm just at a party
And I am sick and tired of my phone r-ringing
Sometimes I feel like I live in grand central station
Tonight I'm not takin' no calls
'Cause I'll be dancin'
I'll be dancin'
I'll be dancin'
Tonight I'm not takin' no calls
'Cause I'll be dancin'

THIS VID TOOK FOREVER OMG. See, the thing about 24 is that it is VERY LONG. 8 full seasons of long. 192 episodes of long. By far the most source I've ever dealt with. It would require, without a doubt, a full rewatch of the series. That alone took me from xmas to late March. (p.s. Season 5 is still the best.) Those of you who were in the Myers-Briggs panel at VVC will understand what that means for a gigantic J like myself and feel my pain. I was so burnt out mid-way through, but I pressed on. I took very specific clip notes as I watched, pages and pages worth, which was my saving grace when it came clipping time. The best part of this show is that it has BUILT-IN TIMESTAMPS \o/ I could write down "Jack punches guy, 2:12pm" and be able to find that again really easily later. It also helped that I knew just what I wanted this vid to look like, so I didn't end up over-clipping or having to go back and find much later.

My hard work was rewarded: For 3 months of watching, the vid took me less than a week to assemble. The toughest part was working with the very limited POV of this vid. At times, I found I was wanting to put 8 seasons of crap into a 1 lb bag, so to speak. Just like with the Survivor vid, there was so much I could do, but I had to really limit it to the most basic things. And again, like that vid, I knew that very few viewers would have extensive source knowledge, so I wouldn't be able to rely on that. Everyone other than Kiefer Sutherland would probably look the same. The good news was a) it's only a dance vid, and b) Jack Bauer is pretty angsty toward EVERYONE, so the object of his angst could be a revolving door of people in a way that worked for me, not against me.

It fell together very quickly. I did the Tony (Beyonce) section first, which was always my starting point in my mind. Next, I laid down the time when Jack tasered a phone, because, did you see? HE TASERED. A PHONE. Much flailing ensued on my part. Then I did the rest of the vid. *handwaves*

It was a bit tricky to create the emotional upward trajectory of this vid. For as much as the concept makes me laugh and the vid begins very light and literal, I did want it to end in a "awww, woobie!" kind of place. The music mostly dictated when that shift would happen (after the bridge), but I had to make sure that going there visually was organic and not a sudden left turn. On the bright side, I had a VERY LONG LIST OF DEAD PEOPLE to work with \o? There was no shortage of death footage. In fact, because the vid was so centered on Jack/CTU instead of Jack and his family, I was only barely able to squeeze his wife in at the very end! There was a lot of great family stuff I just didn't have room for. And did you notice there is no Kim whatsoever? That was not intentional, it just kind of happened. Weird, huh? She's in trouble, like, every other episode, yet it's not dire enough to warrant being in my vid (not even the mountain lion!) Thanks a lot, Kim.

As always, I had a ton of fun with the motion in this vid. Making people fly through the air on beat is a sure-fire good time. And figuring out the show's trademark credits and split screen was also delightful. If I've done my job, you won't always know which shots are manufactured and which ones are straight from the source (of which there are several).

This vid was very intimidating due to the sheer size of the source, but one of my annual goals was to conquer it, and I did. Yay me. It meant I didn't have time to make a Premiere, but that's okay. I now know I can tackle a big project like this and it's worth it in the end.

Feedback is always appreciated! Do it for Jack. He has a really hard life okay.

vid dvd #2 available!

2012-08-02T21:04:19Z

I have completed my second dvd compilation of vids!

Vids

- Casey's Song (We Don't Live Here Anymore)
- Critical Hit (The Big Bang Theory)
- House by the Sea (Spartacus: Blood and Sand)
- I Wanna Dance (Glee)
- Like My Very Own Blood (Battlestar Galactica)
- Lucky (21)
- Motown Philly (Psych)
- Mr. Brightside (The Talented Mr. Ripley)
- Narrow Escape (disaster films)
- Power (Survivor)
- Sister, I Need Wine (Six Feet Under; made with laurashapiro)
- Songs For a Girl (Friday Night Lights)
- Tandemonium (Battlestar Galactica)
- Telephone (24)
- Who's Watching Me (Supernatural)
- Wretches and Kings (Battlestar Galactica)
- You and I (Tomboy)

*Bonus: The Coming Out of Quinn Fabray (Glee)

To order a dvd, please:

1) Email me your full name and shipping address at jarrow272 at gmail dot com, or leave it here in comments (screened for privacy)
2) Paypal me at jarrow272 at hotmail dot com

For shipping within the US, please send $6 for one copy or $10 for two. This covers the cost of the dvd, packaging, shipping, and Paypal fees. For outside the US, please send $8-10. I will get dvds sent out as soon as possible upon receiving payment, but I appreciate your patience. Thank you!

NEW VID: I Wanna Dance

2012-07-06T15:13:40Z

OMG DANCING LESBIANS.

"I Wanna Dance"
Source: Glee
Music: Glee (original by Whitney Houston)
Summary: Faberry is on, and Brittana knows.

Big thanks to fan_eunice for watching drafts and cheerleading. And thanks also to anyone on Tumblr who reblogs to spread the word <3

Download: [here] (4 mins, 66MB, xvid)
Crossposted: [Tumblr]

password: dance

I had the idea for this vid very shortly after the Whitney Houston episode aired. The song became my jam for a few weeks, and I knew right away it'd be super fun to dance to at Club Vivid. I love the gender-swapped lyrics and how I'd be able to use those to my advantage by making a femslash dance vid. It was surprising to realize that's something I'd never done before! I've made quite a few dance vids and quite a few femslash vids, but never the two had met. I suspect this is because lesbians...don't really dance. They are quite elusive in this way. So, it would take some work. I waited patiently for the season to end and worked on my VividCon auction vid in the meantime, knowing this would be a summer project of PURE JOY.

I originally thought I was going to have to cut out a significant portion of the song, not only because it is fairly redundant (4 double choruses? 2 bridges? seriously?) but because I was far from convinced that I had enough source to stretch across the entire song. Ultimately, I wanted a Faberry vid because I'm ME, but there is so much usable Brittana as well that I couldn't just ignore (plus there is the fact that it's a Brittana song). There had to be a way to use them both in a balanced and sensible way, and maybe in doing so, I'd have enough clips to make a full, decent vid. I also decided that, unlike with the Quinn vid, I would try to use the best source I could find (which meant DVDs and mkv files) to do the lovely ladies justice. They work so hard, you know.

I went in with these guiding principles:

1) Do not use the show's performance of the song. I do not need to stoop to that.
2) Only include boys when absolutely necessary to further the lesbian plotline and/or I am making fun of them.
3) Clip everything, because I don't know what I'll need.
4) Accept that it will be very difficult to have Outfit Continuity when building eyelines from so many different scenes, but do at least try from segment to segment.
5) It's okay to use really familiar/landmark clips of either couple because I am trying to make something that hits on all the high points and tells the whole story. (I was validated when jspencer1986 saw a draft and said, "I don't ever need to watch Glee again because it's all right here." Yay.)
6) It's okay to use clips that are super context heavy or require you to look in a certain part of a group shot (a la Dog Days) to see the femslash because most of the target audience will know exactly what those clips are already.
7) It's okay to reuse some clips from "The Coming Out of Quinn Fabray," but plz make a different vid.

Once I'd gone through all three seasons, I realized I'd ended up with ALL THE CLIPS OMG, and actually sorted each musical performance into its own bin in Premiere, which gave me 55 (55!!) bins -- a new record for me. At this point I realized I had probably 3x what I actually needed and had a panic attack when I started laying clips down because I was so overwhelmed. I hadn't sorted out the narrative, POV, or structure of the vid, so it was very scary. I could see the dancing in my head, but I had no idea where to start to actually make it appear. Naturally, the best thing to do was make a color-coded spreadsheet! \o/ This helped tremendously. Once I decided on the vid's structure (solos in fantasy, solos in reality, each couple as a pair, Faberritana in group numbers, Faberritana in choir room), I was able to relax quite a bit.

In the end, I had exactly the right amount of source needed without cutting the song or having to add filler. I actually had a ton of footage of random cheerleaders that I didn't use at all because I didn't need to. (So sad. They are hot.) What's always tough about dance vids is that since the scenes (in the source) are cut together to look like it's all one constantly moving thing, you don't always get a whole lot of each individual shot before it moves on to the next one. That makes it tough when you're only taking a few small bits and trying to make them look like they go together. It's like cutting 75% of the words out of a sentence and hoping it still makes sense. There are so many clips in here that I would kill to have even just 5 more frames of. Argh. But we work with what we have. I was surprised the vid took 6 drafts to complete (each with several rounds of tweaks), as my vids usually only take 4. But it was important to me not to rush this vid and to really get it right before releasing it. I have seen a lot of schmoopy vids with these pairs, but not a dance vid like this, so I wanted to do my best to truly make it original (if such a thing is possible).

My thoughts on the content of the vid mostly consist of OMG DANCING LESBIANS. LOOK AT THEM JUST LOOK. YOU GUYS I LOVE FABERRY SO MUCH. THEY ARE SO IN LOVE LOOK AT THEM. THEY ARE DANCING. AND BRITTANA KISSES A LOT AND IT'S SO PRETTY LOOK THEY ARE DANCING TOO. I'm very prolific that way.

The Quinn vid was my most successful vid to date by far, thanks to Tumblr and the incredible Faberry legion there. It's hard not to come into this vid release with a hopeful disposition, though I realize they are completely different vids and may get vastly different responses. Bottom line, dancing lesbians make me happy, and I hope they make you happy, too.

All feedback and recs/reblogs are always appreciated. ♥ Thanks for watching!

um, whoa

2012-06-15T05:17:15Z

A friend linked me to this tonight, and...um. I suddenly feel very, very un-talented. When I'm a grown-up, can I vid like this?

bananainpyjamas and bradcpu, watch this.

(Yes, it's long but don't let that stop you. I haven't even watched half of it yet and I came running, so.)

MY SHIP HAS COME IN.

2012-02-25T01:30:40Z

You guys. FABERRY. IS. ON.

No, seriously. It is happening. My OTP. Is happening. I am not hallucinating. Season 3 of Glee has taken this amazing turn that is boggling my mind. We are starting to get evidence of our ship that even the straight people notice! And it is killing us in the best way. It's in that stage that's emotionally-draining shipper catnip, the place where the subtext is rapidly becoming text. They've done everything but say it outright. The emotions are becoming overwhelming as it's actually starting to happen on our screens. We were not emotionally prepared for this! As many folks on Tumblr are saying through their sobbing, "I did not sign up for this! What are you doing to me?! I take it back! Leave my emotions alone!"

I am certainly not exempt from the crazy. The mid-season finale is all I've thought about for the last few days. Now that we're on a 7-week hiatus, I need to document the incredible things that have happened in the last 8 episodes leading up to the scene that made me literally pace around my room sobbing because omg that actually just happened, my ship is becoming canon. I want to get this all down while the emotions are still fresh. Pure video and screencaps will suffice here; I can swim in the ocean of Tumblr manips and gif sets for the next month and a half. (omg there are already so many.)

SO. Here is a full rundown of the epic lesbian-ness that has transpired in this middle third of season three. If you haven't seen it, you can just read this instead and be all set. (What, you watch for things other than femslash? No comprendo.) Spoilers ahead for everything that has aired, including the mid-season finale. Also, this has a LOT of downloading content and is not even remotely dial-up friendly. I recommend letting everything load before proceeding. I've credited source for borrowed things where I could; apologies for what I missed.

Password note: To keep my video clips from being taken down, everything is password protected. I know this is annoying; I apologize. The password for everything is "gay."

There was a lot of Faberry in 3.01, but then things really chilled for awhile until 3.07, aka The Lesbian Episode. (I've posted briefly about this before, but it bears repeating here.) Sad as I am that there wasn't a Faberry duet, we did get a Pezberry performance of "I Kissed a Girl," complete with this heart-stopping moment:

[source unknown]

Yeah, I screamed.

The protective arm, the look on Quinn's face, the way Rachel puts her hand on Quinn's arm, the height differential (hot). Guhhhh. This is Faberry porn.

The lead-in to that song was this scene between a creeper and Santana, in which Rachel didn't deny that they might all be lesbians:

[sowhatifweare]

All of this stuff is the kind of gentle teasing that has been throughout the show from time to time until this point, like the exchange of glances after "I Feel Pretty / Unpretty" or the subtle touch of hands in the bathroom after prom. But then episode 3.08 really cranked it up a notch. This was the episode where Rachel fixed Quinn's 2 years of crazy by just talking to her twice in the span of an episode. Faberry is magic.

It all culminated in this amazing scene:

[308-office]

OKAY. SO. Very Important Things to note about this scene, in order:

1) The way Quinn looks at Rachel. Quinn always looks at Rachel in meaningful, dripping-with-emotion ways, but dear god. Look at the love in that smile when Rachel is adorably neurotic.

Um. That is very clearly an "I'm so in love with you, I can't help myself" look. Honey, your gay is showing.

2)
[source unknown]

DEAR GOD, KILL ME NOW. NO, SERIOUSLY. You could hear the Faberry fandom exploding across the globe when Quinn said that. The LOOK on her face when she said it. You guys, THEY ARE FLIRTING. Even my straight friend agreed, and she thinks I am teh cray-cray for shipping Faberry.

3) The delicious look on Quinn's face right after she said, "I really do like to perform."

DIRTY.

4) Rachel tells Quinn, YET AGAIN, "You're a lot better than you know," and THE ONLY WAY TO STOP THEM FROM STARING INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES AND KISSING RIGHT THEN is to have Captain Cockblock walk through and GLARE AT THEM for being ABOUT TO MAKE OUT IN THE OFFICE.

I HATE YOU.

I am fucking serious -- the writers had to break it up because SHIT WAS GETTING REAL. You cannot tell me anything else was about to happen. The sexual tension is RIDICULOUS. Before it cuts away, you can see Quinn has that look on her face of, "oh my god, Rachel just said that. Did she just say that? What did she mean? Does she know I love her? Shit, shit, shit. Can I look at her? I want to, but I would want to kiss her. Oh god, can I kiss her?"

5) After making her smooth move and then not getting to make out with Quinn, Rachel is all, "wait, wtf, where are you going?!" *SIGH* SHE JUST WANTS TO KISS THE PRETTY GIRL. DAMNIT, QUINN, DON'T LEAVE! So, naturally, Rachel tries to come up with another way to spend time with her (by helping with the Yale application). And then Quinn gives the devilish, "there is something you can do for me" before the scene ends. Frustrating as this is, I understand that they aren't allowed to show porn on TV, so they had to cut there.

But in all seriousness, this scene, this episode, was huge for their storyline. Up until this point, from the very first episode, Quinn had been a mean, psychotic thorn in everyone's side, wreaking havoc everywhere she went. This turning point finally let her release all that anger once and for all. She is now a well-adjusted person, and it's because of Rachel. This is so big for Quinn's character that they remember it going forward. Rachel is now a major fixture in Quinn's life. She is now Quinn's person. Remember that Quinn, who is NEVER single for more than like 2 seconds, has been single this entire season. All her attention has been going toward Beth, Puck, Shelby, and Rachel. With the baby storyline out of the way, now she can just focus on Rachel entirely. A perfect breeding ground for the manifestation of feelings that have brewed subconsciously since the first episode. This was clear in the way she looked at Rachel as they sang "We Are Young."

Perfect.

And you guys, we're only just getting started.

Things were chill again for a few weeks. (They let other characters have scenes and song and stuff for awhile.) Then, in the Michael Jackson episode, shit got real again.

[bathroom]

VERY IMPORTANT THINGS:

1) What is it with these two and bathroom scenes? Not that I'm complaining. Just, damn. Is this leading to stall sex? Please?

2) Quinn totally thought she got Rachel pregnant somehow, muahaha.

3) Quinn is wearing a black blazer. Goddamn, that is hot. Speaking of which, these two are always color-coordinated in episodes where they have scenes together. I love that.

4) Quinn is the first person Rachel told about the proposal. Rachel is the first person Quinn tells about Yale. This is HUGE for their friendship. Giganto. See re: what I said earlier about them being each other's "person." They are best friends now. This is INCREDIBLE. As screwed up as continuity is on this show and how weaksauce the writing can be, the development of this friendship has been the best storyline in Glee, period. Always true, always consistent, and well paced. (And now it's at the point of taking the next step, ahem.)

5) I love that Quinn's reaction is basically, "um, you can't" and then when Rachel asks "why not?" Quinn doesn't respond with words -- she presents her Yale news as a reason. TOTALLY VALID. After all, it's much easier to say, "here, look at this piece of paper that will put me 90 miles from New York City aka you," than saying, "because I'm in love with you." I get it.

6) THEIR FIRST HUG. DID YOU SEE IT I DIED A LOT. I wish we could've seen the look on Quinn's face, but whatever, I'LL TAKE IT. FIRST. HUG. !!!!! And then Rachel's hand lingers on Quinn's shoulder because she doesn't want to let go quite yet.

7) When Rachel says, "so, you're saying Finn and I should break up?" Quinn's face LIGHTS UP and her voice PERKS UP and she says, "I'm all for making the most of the next few months." OH MY GOD SHE WANTS TO DATE YOU SO BADLY, RACHEL. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE IT.

8) "If you want everything you've ever dreamed of," [including a life with me] "you're going to have to break up with him." Rachel, honey, she laid it right out for you. Listen to her.

9) "If you really want to be happy, you're gonna have to say goodbye." And then it goes RIGHT INTO Quinn walking away IN SLOW MOTION and singing, "Never Can Say Goodbye." OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GAY. Though I try and try to hide my feelings, they always seem to show. YOU DON'T SAY. The rest of this song scene put all the guys in it, but you know, Quinn had already said goodbye to them and just EXPLAINED that she is happy to leave them behind. I think she was saying goodbye to them on Rachel's behalf. And, of course, trying to figure out how to say goodbye to Rachel herself.

AND THEN, just when it couldn't get any more Faberryish, THIS HAPPENED:

[sing to rachel]

She finishes singing the song and stares DIRECTLY AT RACHEL. Who, by the way, was purposefully positioned dead center with nobody in front of her so there is no question who Quinn is singing to. Rachel knows it, too. Oh yes. She totally knows.

Then, Quinn shares the news with everyone and we can see that they're all cheering and happy for her...except Rachel, who is very very conflicted about what this means for her and their future.

[yale]

AND THEN, TO LAY IT ON EVEN THICKER, Quinn gives a frickin SPEECH for Rachel. You guys, my heart. Quinn wants her to let go of Finn and join her in New England in the future SO VERY BADLY. She is IN TEARS ABOUT IT.

[quinn speech]

At this point, I actually thought the Faberry storyline might be done for the season because it seemed Quinn's trajectory was neatly wrapped up with a bow. AHAHAHA WOW I WAS VERY WRONG. YAY FOR BEING WRONG.

Lo and behold, the Valentine's Day episode dropped even more marbles into the jar of "hints that Quinn is a big queerbo."

First, we have this amazing throw-away line that they gave to her. There were 2 other people in the room who could've had it, but no. Quinn's line.

[guarantee]

THE LOOK ON SAM'S FACE. Even HE is like, "um, why did Quinn just say that?" instead of nodding in agreement. He is totally picking up what she is putting down, y'all. "I guarantee you have met someone gay because you are talking to ME RIGHT NOW." Poor Sam. I bet he thinks it's his fault.

To further prove her point, she was gentlemanly to Rachel during Joe's song later on. Mmhmm.

[source]

During Love Shack, she was scoping out her girl. Yes, I find this editing suspect. This shit is intentional, y'all.

[love shack]

But none of us were prepared for what happened in 3.14, the mid-season finale, "On My Way." Oh ho ho. All we'd been shown was a scene in the promo that wasn't even in the actual episode -- it was cut for time! (Which we also knew.)

[source]

THEY CUT THAT. Our Should Have Asked For Directions moment! Quinn stops the wedding! Epicness! AND THEY CUT IT. We figured this meant we'd get nothing. We were unhappy shippers.

We were also VERY WRONG.

First, after Karaofsky attempted suicide, this conversation happened. I don't think this scene is as strongly in the "omg Quinn is gay" column as other things in this post, but with my Faberry goggles on, it definitely stood out to me.

[couldn't take it]

The look on her face at the end says, to me, "I know what that feels like. I've been struggling with my big gay feelings, too. I hope nobody notices just how much I sympathize with him."

[want to compare]

I actually thought Quinn was coming out when she started talking about being put through the wringer, heh. Then when Kurt comes in, she gets that expression of, "You have no idea what I've been struggling with. You THINK you know everything. There is so much. I GET IT, KURT. I AM QUEER TOO." She's just too scared to say anything. :-( So, she dismisses it before she says something she can't take back. Oh, bb.

In the wake of all the sadness, Mr. Schue has everyone discuss things they're looking forward to in life. For both Quinn AND Rachel's contributions, they exchange looks with each other (and nobody else). In this entire group, they matter most to each other. I flapped my hands so hard I actually lifted off the ground.

[quinn's wish]

[rachel's wish]

I found this particularly meaningful coming from Rachel to Quinn. Rachel has built a great friendship with Kurt as well, but clearly it's second-best just like everything else. Faberrrrrry. And just when it's established that they are each other's #1, Rachel has to go and break Quinn's heart into a million pieces.

[wed announce]

Things of note:

1) They linger on Quinn at the start of the clip, before the announcement even happens. They want you to be aware that her reaction is important and to see ahead of time that something bad is coming.

2) Right after Finn announces it, there is actually a ZOOM IN ON QUINN'S FACE. Her reaction is the most important. Sure, Will and Kurt think it's a bad idea, too, but Quinn is someone directly affected by this announcement. There are implications for her. THE ZOOM KNOWS IT.

3) Rachel makes her pointed comment about those who weren't onboard with the engagement and looks right at Quinn, who is SO CONFLICTED SHE COULD DIE. OH HONEY. YOUR FACE.

No one person should be that bombarded with so many thoughts and emotions at once. Let me break this down for you: Will and Kurt just looked bummed.

But Quinn's reaction is VERY DIFFERENT. She has the "oh shit, what am I going to DO?!" face. That is not just a look of sad resolve and going with the flow. She is trying to figure something out. She has to get her girl back.

Next up: Regionals. On an amusing note, I have no idea WHAT this dance move is supposed to be, but it's AMAZING. I assume Zach's choreography direction was, "Dianna, start Lea's ass like a lawn-mower, and then Lea, move your pelvis forward in response because you're the one being started up."

Moving on.

Rachel had a solo called, "Here's to Us." Quinn spent some time staring at her while she sang:

It's tough to see in this screencap, but I assure you, it's there.

Thinking, naturally, that Rachel is saying "here's to us" meaning THEM. Because, you know, this episode had already established the importance of their friendship and the conflicting nature of Quinn's feelings for Rachel. Which all led to...THE HALLWAY SCENE.

I was not prepared for this. I had no idea this was coming. My heart did not know to guard itself. Y'all, this is when Faberry actually happened for reals. I still find myself walking around in a daze going, "did I dream that?" I still can't handle it.

[hallway]

SOME OF THE ABSOLUTELY LIFE-CHANGINGLY IMPORTANT THINGS HERE:

1) Kurt and Blaine told Quinn she looked hot, but that apparently wasn't good enough for her. She need to hear it from Rachel. Someone whose approval means the world to her. Someone who she wants to find her hot in a cheerleader uniform. She says it somewhat casually, but it's not just a empty question for her. There is so much hope in her eyes. It looks like she might almost cry from the need to hear what Rachel thinks.

No, this is not a casual question. You know it when you see the look on her face after Rachel totally shoots her down with an empty platitude about being happy and a look of disappointment.

Rachel has no clue what Quinn is really asking, or why. This was the moment when I realized that not only was Faberry ON, but it was unbalanced. Quinn has feelings for Rachel, and Rachel doesn't know it. In past episodes, Rachel had put so much effort into Quinn (bringing her back in 3.01, reaching out at prom, the gardenia that matched her eyes, the list goes on) and now we see that IT WORKED. SHE LIKES YOU. WELL DONE. Only...Rachel is oblivious to it. It's so, so sad.

2) AND THEN. Before I had time to recover, with no adequate pause at all in the natural flow of scene dialogue, came the line that has affected me more than any line possibly ever in the history of television. (You guys, I'm not kidding. TV has made me cry many times, but it's usually the loss of the show when it ends. I've never had a shipper experience like this before.)

[source unknown]

She fucking said that.

SHE. FUCKING. SAID. THAT.

When this scene happened, I actually had to hit pause, take off my hoodie (because my body was suddenly overheated), and pace around the room crying. And it was because of this line. I leaned my head against the wall and sobbed for a minute thinking, "oh my god, it actually just happened." Quinn just confirmed she has feelings for Rachel. Because, seriously. There is no better reason you would ask someone if they were singing a love song “to [them] and only [them]” unless you are trying to determine if they maybe have feelings for you too. Or possibly an ex who is still in the picture, but Rachel hasn't dated anyone else since last season or wavered in her fidelity in the slightest (other than gratuitous flirting with Quinn, of course). No. No exes. This is about Finn versus Quinn. How could anyone deny it? This is the kind of line that is very intentionally placed in a script. If Quinn was just asking Rachel if she had any doubts that she wants to marry Finn, there are so many other things she could have said. (Hell, she could have just said that!) No, this line was loaded and deliberate. Quinn was feeling out to see if Rachel might have room in her heart for her. I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. There is no going back now. Faberry is on.

And you can see Rachel is very stone-faced in her slight nodding response. It seems like she understands what Quinn is saying but doesn't know how to respond. She doesn't want to hurt her and doesn't know what to say. That, or she doesn't get what Quinn is saying and she's trying to figure it out without giving her confusion away. I honestly don't know. I lean toward the first, but she keeps shooting Quinn down with dismissive comments! This makes me think she's just clueless.

3) When Quinn is yet again shot down by an oblivious Rachel, she tries so fucking hard to hold it together and not just lose her shit right there. She says she wants to support "you, Rachel...and Finn." Yes, the man is the afterthought. This is about THEM, and it's killing her. This is not, "my friend is making a mistake and one day I can say 'I told you so'" pain like Kurt has. Rachel is breaking her heart into a million pieces and doesn't even know it. Quinn clearly has tears in her eyes. This woman is fighting like hell to keep from breaking down crying. She literally has to take a deep breath with her entire body just to speak.

[source unknown]

4) And as if our hearts weren't yet thoroughly trampled on, they end the scene with ANOTHER HUG. But this one is very different. This one is a hug of PAIN. Quinn has resigned to accept Rachel's choice and be there for her, and Rachel thanks her with a warm, loving hug. Quinn has two distinct reactions to this. First, the surprise of, "oh wow, okay, the woman I love is hugging me. Keep it together, Quinn."

And as she settles into the hug, you see her face change from pleasant surprise to sadness as it all sinks in. This is as close as Rachel will ever let her get. She tries to put on her happy face, but her heart is already breaking.

Let's look at those two reactions again, shall we? (In prettier colors, since we can.)

[source]

In the second one, the gif shows the moment when it all hits Quinn. Her eyes turn toward the camera and widen, just for a second. (This is incredible acting, by the way. Dianna, you are amazeballs.)

I also would like to compare this hug to the one between Brittany and Santana in the S2 finale. This ended the conversation between them where Santana asked if there was any hope for them in the future (after Brittany shot her down). The parallels are striking. Also, Brittana ended up happening very soon thereafter, ahem.

[source]

Part of why this scene affected me so much is because it was a blindside. The remainder of the episode was something I had been somewhat emotionally/mentally prepared for, and because of that, it didn't kill me the way it could have. (Um, bad choice of words? :-/) Still, this is some crazy Faberry shit. We've already established that the Rachel/Quinn storyline has now become prominently placed in the show because it now IS Quinn's storyline, period. But then the show took it one step further by having whether or not Rachel's wedding will happen revolve around Quinn. LITERALLY.

I would also like to point out that while I am known for manipulating Glee scenes, I did not edit this AT ALL. IT REALLY HAPPENED LIKE THIS:

[going to the chapel]

YET EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THINGS OF NOTE:

1) They almost never use original performances of songs in this show (I am struggling to think of another example at the moment, actually), and yet they HAD to get "Chapel of Love" for this. I just can't get over the fact that we see Quinn on her way to the wedding, intercut with shots of Rachel and others waiting for Quinn, as all those lyrics are happening. THEY ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED.

2) Quinn checks her make-up because she wants to look her best for Rachel.

3) I love Rachel playing with her ring. She wants to take it off! Be free of him, Rachel! Be free!

4) Rachel texts Quinn in ALL CAPS. You guys, Rachel's priority ON HER WEDDING DAY is Quinn being there. I just. Nothing matters more to her. Probably because she knows Quinn is the only person who can stop her from doing something stupid, just like Rachel did for her in 3.08. (That, and she wants Quinn to profess her love once and for all.)

Rachel further displayed her priorities in this now classic Faberry vs. Finchel moment that had all of us cracking up:

[wait it's quinn]

SORRY FINN, QUINN TEXTING > YOUR FOREVER MOMENT. Oh god, pinch me.

Finn is kind of dumb, but even he picked up on the fact that he was going to lose Rachel to Quinn if he didn't lock that shit down RIGHT NOW. So, classy dude that he is, he gives her an ultimatum. Because, you know, losing your appointment spot at the Justice of the Peace is clearly the end of the world when you've inconvenienced maybe 10 people who DON'T WANT YOU TO GET MARRIED ANYWAY and would be happy to show up at a later time if it meant you weren't screwing up your life right now. But no. Finn makes her choose. "It's now or never" is so fucking romantic, don't you think? Ugggggh.

[now or never]

The thing that pisses me off most about this is that Finn DOES NOT CARE about Rachel's feelings. It's not that he can't see how important Quinn's presence is to her, it's that he really is being that selfish. Aren't you supposed to want your bride to be happy and as comfortable as possible on her wedding day? Not stressed out because her BEST FRIEND is running late and you're forcing her to get married now anyway? Ugggggh. Finn, I kick you in teh nads.

AND YET. When given the ultimatum, Rachel texts Quinn AGAIN. She doesn't say, "the show must go on" in typical Rachel Berry fashion, or something like, "I guess all the important people are here." She doesn't brush it aside, put on a smile, and link arms with Finn. She chooses Quinn.

The episode ends, of course, with Quinn getting SMASHED BY A TRUCK WTF. (I knew it was coming, but it was still hard to watch, which is why I am not posting video of it here.) I have many feelings about this happening to Quinn. She has been though enough shit and did not deserve this. I think a big part of me still isn't processing what it means for her because I don't want to deal with it. (The rest of me is latching on to the fact that Dianna is fine.) Personal feelings for Quinn's character aside, I can appreciate the dramatic storytelling of it all. Quinn is the only one who could stop the wedding. (Even the parents said it would take magical powers.) And it shows that without a doubt, Rachel and Quinn's storylines are forever entwined. Now, I know whether or not Quinn lives or dies because I've seen spoilery things, so I am not going to comment further on the implications of this. (If you want to know too, you can click here for one of three pieces of evidence I've seen. Please don't spoil in comments.) But regardless, Faberry has HAPPENED. Somehow I will survive the 7 weeks until we see the results of the crash and how Rachel reacts. Will she get married anyway? Or will she continue to wait for the girl who isn't coming?

I look forward to finding out. In the meantime, I will revel in all of this wonderfulness. And lord, I will go down with this ship.

NEW VID: "You and I"

2012-01-16T01:36:15Z

Wow, talk about a vid that came out of nowhere. If you cut me open and looked inside, this is what you would find.

"You and I"
Source: Tomboy
Music: Antoine Dufour
Summary: Just a boy.

Download: [here] (xvid, 52MB)

Thanks to fan_eunice and absolutedestiny for cheerleading and beta help! And to Tumblr, I suppose, for showing me this film exists.

password: tomboy

I watched Tomboy for the first time yesterday, and about five minutes in I knew I had to vid it. Immediately. This movie was pushing ALL of my buttons. ALL OF THEM. And literally, as soon as it was done I was pulling it into VirtualDub. The beautiful part is that I just posted a song a few days ago from my vidding pocket, having discovered it only 2 weeks ago, without any ideas for it. As I watched the film, I knew this song would be a perfect fit. Isn't that crazy? (Hey! French film, French-Canadian musician. OMG. Also, watch the artist play the song, HE IS AMAZING.) The vid just fell together. Once I got into Premiere, it vidded itself. I have never had a vid go this quickly. I went from starting the clipping process to a full timeline in only seven hours. That is RIDICULOUS. Never before have I posted a vid 24 hours after starting it. Hands down, the fastest vid I've ever made.

I think part of why this vid came so easily for me is because of my very deep, immediate emotional connection to the source and to Mickael. First of all, can we just say: FAAAAAAAAAAACE. ♥ HIS LITTLE FACE. But more than that, this child was having boyhood experiences that I wish I'd had. If I had been truly aware that I was transgender at a pre-pubescent age, my life would have gone very differently. But I saw so much of myself in him still. This, more than any film I've ever seen, was like watching myself onscreen. (Point of reference: me at his age.) I was having many, "OH HONEY. I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY" moments, and it was intensely gratifying to see Mickael experience the joy of being himself and fitting in with the other boys. Of course, the sad third act was all the more painful, but hey, at least it ain't Boys Don't Cry. I'm just sayin.

My beef with the film is that it is touted as a story about a girl who gets caught in a lie and has to stick to it. I'm sorry, that's not the film I watched. Maybe I just saw what I wanted to see, but I believe whole-heartedly that this child saw an opportunity to be the person he truly wanted to be, and he took it. He was discovering himself through this film. You can see the joy in his face when he's in his element and the pain when he's not. The last 10 seconds of the film undo so much of the good it had done, so I wanted to vid the Mickael I see, the relationship with Lisa that brought him to life, the relationships with his family that are so warm, and the rich range of emotions and questioning he goes through on his journey. Anyone who wants to get into a philosophical discussion of this film with me, feel free; I can talk about it for hours. I am stopping myself here for your sake, heh.

I love vidding instrumentals. They're so freeing, and you can do so much with the musical structure they do have. I love finding themes to use in each part of the song. And perhaps most importantly, I enjoyed making such a simple, straight-forward vid with this source because I feel there is a beautiful simplicity to his story. He is who he is. Why does it have to be more complicated than that?

Feedback and recs are always appreciated. Thanks for watching!

year end wrap-up: GLEE!

2011-12-30T23:42:25Z

Because Glee femslash (particularly the Faberry and Achele ships) have been such a huge part of my fannish year in 2011, I felt it appropriate to document my favorite pics and videos. For there are many, heh. Not dial-up friendly, folks, but I am actually trying to be brief and not too repetitive! You can also find a LOT of awesome stuff on my Tumblr if this doesn't satiate your need for yummy femslash.

First, PICTURES.

Actual Stills

It's hard to know what is and isn't a manip in this freaking talented fandom, but as far as I know, these are all legit. ♥

I could stare at this for hours. They are so beautiful, it kills me.

Keep holding on, babies. ♥

The happiness in this picture fills me up. (Plus, bonus Lion!Quinn!)

STRAIGHT PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT, HONEY.

Leeeeeeeeeesbian. ♥

Still my desktop background. Guh.

Dianna Agron: Flawless.

For all the pictures of Lea in fancy dresses, this is the picture that makes me feel things in the pants.
She has never looked hotter to me. Godfrickindamn.

Still the picture that brought me into Glee femslash, head over heels. I didn't have a prayer.

One of the hottest pictures I've ever seen. Because of reasons.

Manipulated Stills, Fan Art, and Comics

This fandom is full of WIZARDS AND SORCERESSES. NO, SERIOUSLY. I've tried to credit where I could find it, but please correct me if I'm wrong!

Absolutely gorgeous. (In this section only because the background is artsified.) The handhold is totally legit.
And Dianna's face just says, "This is my girlfriend, bitches."
[source]

Perfection.
[source unknown]

Wait, no, that's better!
[source unknown]

Seriously, I could stare at them all day.
[source]

My heart has room for Quinntana! Especially when they're being bad.
[source]

Brittana, too! Especially when they're maaaaaaarried. ♥
[source]

We interrupt your regularly scheduled femslash to bring you MAD ART SKILLZ.
[source]

My favorite artistic rendition of Dianna's alter ego, Charlie.
Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh killmenow.
[source, buried in the notes]

TRUFAX.
[source]

Never not hilarious.
[source]

One of many very, very funny comics about Wild!Quinn and Rachel. ♥
[source]

IT WILL FALL OFF, Y'ALL.
[source]

The prompt: "Can you draw Santana getting her macs on, plz."
LOL FOREVER.
[source]

And last but not least there is this most hilarious NSFW happening on my Tumblr dashboard. I laughed so hard at the juxtaposition that I fell out of my chair. (Yes, my Tumblr dashboard is nothing but Glee and gay porn. And you're, what, surprised by this?)

And now, lets get ANIMATED:

Actual Animations

aka Amazing Things That Really Happened On Camera. (Feel free to click on any of them to view them at their best in a new tab.)

I will never get tired of seeing them on this damn concert tour. Never.

WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW, Y'ALL.

Dianna approves of her rack. As do I.

I don't know what Comedy Central show she was appearing on, but it really really looks like she says, "[what's up], MILF?"
And that completes me as a person.

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED, Y'ALL. FOR REALS.

Be more in love. I DARE YOU.

ATTACK OF THE LION QUINN.
(Sadly, that is not what she actually yelled.)

Best. Moment. Ever.

Manip Animations and Comics

Behold, MORE SORCERY.

Headcanon.
[source]

HEAD. CANON.
[source]

When I first found this, I stared at it for like 15 minutes.
[source]

James and I found the still version of this first, so we were STUNNED when we found this.
We named the file on our hard drive after our reaction: "IT MOVES."
[source]

Santana and Rachel making out. SEE? SORCERY.
[source]

Just a reaction gif I snagged off Tumblr, but god, it makes me crack up.

Leave them alone, Santana! THEY'RE BUSY.

If this ever fails to make me laugh out loud, please kill me.
[source]

Same goes for this.

And this.

OKAY! NOW.

Videos

I do not deny that this is crazy!offensive, but I just can NOT. STOP. LAUGHING at it.
Hitler cares SO MUCH for the love of these two Jewish girls, y'all!

Dianna chooses Lea over Chord EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. ♥ ♥

Dianna at her most adorable. It kills me.

So busted.

Start at 0:26 and behold the 20 seconds of adorable.

Hey look, a fanvid! This mesmerizes me.

And last but not least, the mothership of all Achele videos:

And finally, if you're looking for fic recs, there is only one, always and forever: Should Have Asked for Directions. (Okay, if you really want more, just ask.)

insta- vid rec

2011-12-18T18:17:50Z

Arrested Development fans! Walk, don't run, to Our House of Bluth by talumin. I feel like I have been waiting for this vid MY WHOLE LIFE. It does an amazing job of showing all the hilarity and love in the show, weaving in all the characters and their many, many shortcomings. I was grinning like an idiot watching it, and my heart was bursting for AD when it ended. ♥