Screwing things up for the better

My Advent Calendar for Lighthouse_The

2019-12-08T12:10:38Z

Here is a calendar with different choices to complete every day, and the challenge is to complete as many as you want. I'm not gonna play every day, but I want to keep track of the things I do do, so here is my post to do that.

For 1.12. I read three pages on Food Hero Monthly, Drink Water Your Way (that was so funny, because I drink so much water, so I was curious what this was about, but it was mostly about "how to make water appealing" which I really do not have a problem with, lol), Leafy Greens (that was interesting, because I mostly just know and like spinach and was curious what the others would be) and Snack Ideas (hmmm, yeah, I don't agree much with most of these, which I knew would happen, cause a lot of snacks, like apples and carrots, I cannot eat, but yogurt is nice, lol).

For 3.12. I did the Chinese hopscotch

For 4.12. I made two origami Christmas trees (from the leftover paper from the Groot snowflake, lol)
Pictures to come later.

For 5.12. I made a Baby Groot snowflake
Pictures to come later.

For 6.12. I learned the floss (that was exhausting but fun)

For 8.12. I watched this entire playlist of recipes. I have seen these things on Twitter and find them oddly relaxing, so that was nice.

For 9.12. I watched the self care video that was linked in the calendar. I… don't really know what to say about it. It was weird, lol. Not good or bad, just… weird. If you want to watch it, proceed with caution, there's some (cartoonish) violence and general weirdness. :P

20 icons for tvcharacter20 round 75

2017-03-02T22:31:41Z

20 icons for tvcharacter20, most of Claudia and Claire (Warehouse 13), because I love them so much and there are no icons of them around that I could find, so I decided to make my own. And I can always use some more reaction icons, so I made those for the author's choice.

10 THEMES

bad	emotional	female	first tv love	looking down


male	minor character	muted	red+white	weirdo

Category - I <3 you

#1	#2	#3	#4	#5

5 ARTIST'S CHOICE

#1	#2	#3	#4	#5

Advent Calendar 2015 – Doors 1 and 2

2015-12-03T12:39:25Z

I've decided to make an advent calendar again, this time a little different. I took technical prompts, types of blebses and types of graphics, put them in a list, randomized each of those lists and got one graphic to make with one type of blebs and one technical prompt for every day.

Here are the first two days: 1. medium crop, grey seal, wallpaper

2. warm coloring, harp seal, icons

Bingo Card 2 for Fourcornersland

2015-11-23T18:51:14Z

My entry for the second bingo in fourcornersland. There was a graphics card and a writing card and I tried doing the writing card until the last minute – well, probably even longer than that, because I'm pretty sure the challenge is over, but it was extended for a week (I think) and I made the graphics card right after the extension but then still waited with posting because I still had ambitions toward the writing card.

But alas, didn't work out, so I only have two fics for the writing card and one meta piece which will go up on Blibli Blogging soon.

But I still wanted to post the graphics card, even though I'm likely not getting points for it and the two fics of the writing card.

First the two fics:

Title: Holes
Prompt: Holes
Fandom: Star Trek Voyager
Pairings: implied Seven and Janeway
Warnings: canon major character death
Word Count: 375

"Death doesn't let you say goodbye. It just carves holes in your life, in your future, in your heart." Riley Blue (Sense8)

Holes. This seemed what her life had become, full of holes. Holes where people should have been. It didn't matter where she was or what she did. These holes didn't leave her, they didn't fill up again, they refused to mend.

And she had enough. She didn't know when exactly the moment had been. Another lecture in which the students were too careful not to say the name, another visit to Tuvok, another reunion so painfully crowded with the absence of those who should be there.

The one person who should be there. When she heard about the device, she almost immediately reached a decision. Going on like this was not an option. Not when there was another way. No matter how dangerous or how much against her principles that way was.

Standing at the window looking outside into the night, not seeing anything but ghosts, Captain Kathryn Janeway knew this was the last time. The last time she would go there and pretend to smile and pretend to be happy. The last time she would cheer for and with all of those she brought back home while every single cell in her body wept for the one she couldn't save.

Home itself had no meaning anymore. It hadn't had any meaning for years. When she finally got back to earth, she felt nothing but sadness, nothing but pain. All these years she had waited for it to subside, to go away. For the hole to mend, to be filled up again.

It never was. It never could be. She had thought that was what it was, that was her life. She tried to make the best of it. She tried to be happy. But now, everything had changed. One little device had changed her entire future. No, not her future. Her past.

If it was impossible to mend the holes, if it was impossible to fill them again, the one thing to do was to stop them from being torn in the first place.

Death carves holes in your life, your heart, your future. Well, she had seen that life and she lived with that heart and in that future. And there was nothing there.

So she would go back and stop death itself.

Title: One Last Song
Prompt: Singing in the car
Fandom: Orange is the New Black
Warnings: implied canon character death / suicide
Word Count: 267 (not counting the song lyrics)

Rosa laughed. She hadn't laughed this much for a long long time. She hadn't felt this free, this light hearted, since… Well, basically since she had been locked up. And even more since she had been diagnosed.

"Drive!"

It was so easy, wasn't it? So easy. Just two choices, die for sure in a few weeks in that sad gray place or drive. Drive away from all of it. Drive and don't look back. Don't come back.

Be free. Finally, for a few cherished moments, be free.

Rosa laughed. She threw her head back and for a moment, she was young again, driving the get away car, shaking her hair in the breeze. All thoughts of cancer, of prison, of curses and men were forgotten. They were unimportant. Nothing. She was young now, she was free.

She turned on the radio, changed stations until she found a song she knew. Well, why not. She laughed some more, and driving at high speed on country roads, all the while looking for a suitable bridge, she sang the lyrics she remembered very well.

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified"

But already this line took her back. Yes, she had been, she definitely had been. Every time one of her lovers died, the whole time when she was first in prison and then again when she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She had been afraid of death every single second since then.

She wasn't anymore. She was not afraid of anything now. She was free.

"You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die? Oh no not I, I will survive"

She shouted now, singing on top of her lungs.

"Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live. And I've got all my love to give. I'll survive"

The laughter mixed with tears as she went faster and faster.

"I will survive. I will survive."

And the graphics:

1 image 5 icons

Favourite Picspam

OTP

Black and White

Crossover

Wildcard (negative space)

Secondary Character

Vivid Colors

Wallpaper (this technique of making wallpapers was stolen from dance_the_dance with permission)

Bingo Card for Fourcornersland

2015-09-21T10:54:06Z

I love a good bingo challenge! I filled the card with six picspams, one wallpaper and three fics. Fandoms are: Orange is the New Black, Sense8, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Stargate Atlantis / Stargate SG-1 (crossover), Star Trek Voyager, Animorphs (book series). Two of the squares also double as entries for squares at Ladiesbingo.

Prompt: Soulmates (Suzanne and Maureen – Orange is the New Black)

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I don't believe in souls but I do believe that there are some people whose essence is very similar to another person's essence and therefore they really like spending time together. Which I think is best illustrated with Suzanne and Maureen, mostly because the writers wrote Maureen to be the most similar to Suzanne in the first place. And they actually succeeded. I don't believe for a second that they will hold this up next season, but for now, these two are just super adorable dorks who fit together really well.

The entry for this square also doubles as an entry for ladiesbingo on dreamwidth, with the permission of both communities.

Prompt: Food, cooking and meal times (Seven and Janeway – Star Trek Voyager)

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I wanted to show Seven’s first meal as it should have gone. Unfortunately my choice of caps was pretty limited, due to Janeways ever changing hairstyles. Also, Voyager has some of the weirdest camera angles I’ve ever seen, which makes manips quite a challenge. But I do think I’ve succeeded quite well.

Prompt: The clouds burst (Brook Soso – Orange is the New Black)

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The first thing that came to mind when I read this prompt was Brook, specifically her last scene, looking up at the sun, the cloudless sky representing her own state of mind, meaning that the black clouds finally went away.

Prompt: Feathers (Gilda and other Griffins with Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash – My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)

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Prompt: Wild Card - Kidfic / Babyfic (Riley Blue, Kala Dandekar, Sun Bak – Sense8)

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I wanted to make something for the baby sense8tes as I haven't seen that many things for them. And they are the cutest babies around, especially Kala.

The entry for this square also doubles as an entry for ladiesbingo on dreamwidth, with the permission of both communities.

Prompt: Found Families (Samantha Carter, Jeannie McKay, Maddy and Cassie – Stargate Atlantis / Stargate SG-1 crossover)
Wallpaper, click for full size

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Sam, Jeannie and Maddy bake a cake for Cassie's birthday. Set in an AU that I already established here, in which Rodney died and Sam and Jeannie get together and become a family with Maddy and Cassie.

Making this manip was a challenge again, this time because the only good pic of Sam I could think of was colored vastly different than Jeannie and Maddy and there was no way to incorporate any picture of Cassie into the manip. But I think I found a good compromise with the wallpaper.

For the last three prompts I actually wrote fics. I'm reading Animorphs right now and I really like the Pemalites and the Chee, so I wrote two stories about them. The Fork in the Road AU was the most difficult for me, because my brain doesn't work this way. But thankfully I got a bit of help by dance_the_dance in narrowing it down to one situation and I think in the end it worked quite well.

Prompt: Fork in the road AU
Title: Which Way to Go?
Fandom: Orange is the New Black
Warnings: None
Word Count: 266

Here on AO3

Prompt: Smell
Title: Breakthrough
Fandom: Animorphs (book series)
Warnings: None
Word Count: 404

Here on AO3

Prompt: Gen fic
Title: Search and Rescue
Fandom: Animorphs (book series)
Warnings: None
Word Count: 859

Here on AO3

And now for something a little different.

2015-08-01T20:52:55Z

My entry for Two to Tango at Game of Cards.

For this challenge, I decided to write the first of what will hopefully become a whole series of blog entries to our blog Blibli Blogging that are different from what you’d normally expect blog posts to be.

These posts will be from the perspective of a person living in the far future, in a society in which power has been completely abolished and the only value is individuality. This first entry will deal with romantic relationships, particularly with the question why those relationships always have to be between two people.

Why always two?

As a historian and lover of human relationships I constantly come across things that seem foreign, strange, even harmful. I wrote about quite a few of these things before on this blog, like gender, the definition of romance and sexual relations.

But this entry will be about a phenomenon that is impossible to miss when one studies the ways in which people perpetuated relationships between human beings, how they saw them. Specifically romantic relationships, which were evidently immensely important to our ancestors.

There are hundreds and thousands of books, articles, films, products in any media imaginable that have as sole subject romantic relationships. And while as I wrote previously, most of these praised relationships seemed to solely be between a woman and a man (due to gender it was far easier to be able to tell who was which without having to reference genitals), there is another phenomenon which they all have in common.

All of those romantic relationships are between two people. Even when it is one of the rare cases in which both participants are of the same sex, it always comes down to two people.

There are quite a few sources in which having a third person in the romantic relationship, especially one of the participants having sex with a third person, is seen as ruining said romantic relationship, as worst crime.

While all of this seems very strange from our viewpoint, the first logical assumption is that in ancient times when procreation had to be achieved through a physical sex act between female and male, those relationships could have served the function of ensuring that a particular couple would produce offspring.

This theory does have some merit, but the problem with it is that after the offspring was born there simply wasn’t any reason for a couple to continue a romantic relationship solely with each other or at all.

Why then did they praise those relationships over everything else? Why did they create so many things that had as sole content relationships like that? And always depicted them simultaneously as the most important thing to strive for and the thing that made the individuals the least happy?

The answer is found in the book on which, as a lot of historians, me included, believe the most prevalent ancient society, that ruled the world as we know it for thousands of years before the shift to what we now know as our current society, was based.

A religious text that cites an all knowing, all powerful being as author and outlines how this being created the world and how it interacted with humans. Now, this again seems very strange from today’s perspective, as I’ve outlined before, but it seemed logical to the humans who lived in those times.

They did not know science so scientific phenomena needed a reasoning and that reasoning was found in supernatural powers.

But this specific book takes one step further. It doesn’t just outline how it would be possible for supernatural powers to be responsible for natural phenomena as other ancient texts did, it demands from the very first pages absolute obedience from all human beings to this one supernatural power.

And also from the very first pages it demands that human beings are in relationships of two people, a male and a female, and it posits the female under the male, as being subservient to the male.

So the answer to the question of why romantic relationships in that society had to consist of two people and had to be pursued even to the detriment of the individual, especially the female individual, leads us back to the common denominator of all those strange and harmful habits the people in that society seemed to have willingly participated in. Power.

Citing the powers of a supernatural being, people believed that they had to live their lives in a certain way. And even after scientific discoveries, after the shedding of those religious beliefs by many, the power structures stayed intact.

And the pursuing of a romantic relationship consisting of solely two people, most notably a female and a male, was one of the main ways in which those power structures were upheld.

Females and males were both told from birth that their sole goal should be procreation and subsequent rearing of offspring inside a romantic relationship. There is overwhelming evidence that this was the main goal of this society.

It very obviously seems impractical and plain harmful and dangerous to force every single person to procreate and rear their offspring themselves from our perspective, but in those times that was the one driving force of society.

Both having a partner in a romantic relationship and having offspring were seen as making someone important in the eyes of society, giving someone status and power, things that were the foundations of that society.

While it was common to leave one romantic relationship and enter another one, the relationships itself nearly always stayed between two people, nearly always between two people who did not even like each other, who had nothing in common, who got into verbal and quite often even physical disagreements all the time.

Why it would be deemed the highest goal in society to pursue a romantic relationship like that, to procreate and rear offspring inside of such a seemingly unhealthy and potentially dangerous relationship is a question that most historians are answering with the perpetuation of power having been the most important.

And while it is clear that it does come down to power and the perpetuation of it having been the most important value in that society and that this was started by and upheld through religion and that the goals were to ensure (reproductive) resources for very few choice individuals, the number two as the most pursued and praised number for a romantic relationship has been subject to fluctuation.

It does remain stable enough to come to the conclusion that it was the most perpetuated throughout that society though. At this stage of my research I would say that this was due to it being the easiest way to maintain power structures in a relationship. While the main goal of those relationship was to produce and rear offspring, those offspring seemed to not have any say in anything, thus were automatically at the bottom of the power structure and not seen as a danger to it.

Other adults on the other hand were. Which is the most likely reason why the surviving sources from those times reference other adults endangering or destroying the relationship with enormous frequency. The other adult might want to free one of the individuals in the depicted romantic relationship from the power dynamics, they might want the individual to be happy, to be free, but in the end they never succeed and going back to the romantic partner, restoring the power structure, is seen as the most important.

Sometimes one partner goes too far and physically assaults the partner inside of the romantic relationship. This is then seen as the only way for the partner on the bottom of the power structure to escape the relationship. But they almost always enter another relationship with the same power structures but less physical assault at the end of the piece.

To summarize, as with nearly everything else during the rule of that society, romantic relationships almost always consisting of two people was very likely due to the perpetuation of power having been the highest value.

It is always astounding in an awful way to uncover another level of dehumanization, oppression and unhappiness the people of that society were subjected to due to the perpetuation of power.

We can only hope that we continue to learn from their mistakes. Power is not a good thing. It can never be a good thing. We know that now and we need to preserve that knowledge.

Asexuality means never wanting to have sex with another person

2015-07-18T19:25:39Z

The following is r-rated, as I talk about sex quite a lot, as well as masturbation and sexual abuse / rape (though I do not specifically name rape).

Asexuality. You might have heard this word, this concept. It means not being attracted sexually to any specific sex or any specific person. And therefore it means that asexual people never have sex with another person. Yes, you heard that right. A person who is asexual does not have sex. Ever.

We don’t want it. We don’t get anything out of it. If for some reason people who are not sure about being asexual still have sex, mostly those reasons are being pressured by a sexual partner though sometimes asexual people can say that they are just being curious as to what all the tam tam is about, it is better for them to identify as asexual afterwards, or to identify as greysexual if they want to continue having sex.

The thing is, this is not a popular opinion. On the contrary. All asexual material I’ve seen so far always had somewhere in it the point that asexuals can have sex. Usually this is even the first or one of the first points.
Because apparently it is more important to assure everyone that asexuals are not “prudes” than to actually build a safe haven for people who want to identify with a term that clearly states that they are not interested in having sex with anyone ever.

Why is that necessary? Because in our society it is nearly impossible to escape sex. Because having a defining identity for saying “no” to sex always and unconditionally would make this escape far far easier. Because, just as for lesbians, asexuals – especially asexual women – encounter far too many people – mostly men – who think their asexuality can be “cured” by the right partner.

Which it can’t, but reading all those popular blogs and sites about asexuality, you’d think it can. So, to actually tackle these points, to make asexuality a credible and valuable sexuality alongside being straight, lesbian and gay, we need to affirm and reaffirm that asexuals do not ever have the desire to have sex with another person.

The thing is, what asexuality stands for right now is anyone not being attracted to another person sexually but someone who still can have sex with another person for the “right reasons”. But why ever would you want to have sex with another person? Why ever would another person would want to have sex with you?

There are reasons for this, and I am not questioning them. The problem is, all of those reasons come from outside, not
from inside. I personally identified as asexual during my marriage with a man and got reaffirmed that it’s fine to have sex for those good reasons – like pleasing my partner – by those sites and blogs I found.
It seemed like a tremendous relief to know that there is nothing bad about me not enjoying sex, that it was just my sexuality. But here’s the thing, I never enjoyed sex with my ex-husband. Ever.

So in the end me identifying as asexual (and lesbian at that point, lesbians who have sex with men and people advocating that that is a good thing is a whole other can of worms that I don’t want to open up right now, stay tuned for that) just got me deeper into believing that the abusive situation I was in was actually healthy and good.

Then I met my wife for the first time in person and something in me clicked. I was like “wow. This is it. This is what love truly feels like.” And since I put love and sex together and because there was this huge spark I felt whenever seeing and touching my wife, I did want to try having sex and so did my wife.

So we tried. We both did not identify as asexuals at that point, in fact, I wrote a huge giant blog post about how I am definitely not asexual and how sex is great. We tried a few more times but then we kinda both realized that for us, sex is just completely pointless.

So we stopped. Completely. And we are both so much happier for it. Now we are both identifying as lesbian aces, something that is really important for us because we do love to cuddle and kiss and do all the lovey dovey sunsets and
“I love you”s.

And this is what I always believed had to somehow intrinsically lead to sex. So I had sex even though I didn’t want to, even though cuddling always having to lead to sex messed me up quite a bit when it comes to being touched, especially on certain body parts.

Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are very different things and it is very important that they are always defined as very different things. And yes, it is very important for people to be able to identify as straight aces, lesbian aces, bi aces or gay aces. Being romantically attracted to only one sex or both sexes is something that exists.

And it needs to be present and visible in our society. Especially for lesbians and gay men, since their romantic attraction is always always linked to sex. Everyone assumes a lesbian couple always has sex.

They even invented lesbian bed death for exactly this reason, because lesbians are actually happier with having less sex, because there is no man involved, and they needed to reassure everyone that no, that porn doesn’t lie, lesbians actually do have sex all the time.
Lesbians can be asexual and that means that they do not have sex.

Now, if you want to talk about masturbation, that’s a different topic. I’ve masturbated all my life a whole lot. And with that I mean basically weekly, later when I was with my ex-husband even nearly daily. Because I needed to be available for sex all of the time I needed to keep myself in a constant state of arousal.

Which was obviously very detrimental for my mental health and which completely stopped once I left my ex-husband and convinced my brain that it didn’t have to keep up this state at all (which was surprisingly easy considering how long I did it).

Now I don’t masturbate at all, because I don’t feel the need for it. But, and that is important, I’m not saying that asexuals can’t masturbate. Not at all. Libido is libido and it will want out, it just never wants to ever do that with another person which is completely valid and important to acknowledge.

Actually, as a funny coincidence, I dreamt about masturbating last night and actually woke up having an orgasm without even ever touching myself (or feel the need to touch myself now that I was awake). Apparently my brain decided that it wanted to do that all on it’s own. Well, why not? It was fun.
I’ve had dreams like that before but they never ended up in an actual orgasm and they never made me want to actually enact those things I dreamt about.

So, don’t ever feel ashamed for those thoughts, or dreams, even when you do want to act them out. That is completely fine and means you are still asexual. As long as you do not want to act those feelings and thoughts out with another person. That would be completely fine too and great for you and the other person, but please refrain from calling yourself asexual at that point.

It’s completely okay and valid to identify as greysexual or to, as I did, identify as asexual, then find a partner you do want to have sex with and identify as sexual and then identify as asexual again when you realized that, nah, okay, sex is really not your thing.

Asexuality is not fluid. That’s not what I’m saying here at all. Basically I’m saying the opposite. Asexuals need to have an identity that clearly says “I do not want to have sex with another person and I will never want to have sex with another person”. Because that is something we desperately need in our sex obsessed society.

It might seem that I’m saying “the right person can cure you of asexuality” but that is not what I’m saying at all. What I’m saying is, when you meet the right person you both might think that you are in fact, sexual, but this might not be true at all. It might be true, but it might not be.

You might discover that sex is pointless for you, at which point it is obviously okay to identify as asexual again. But please refrain from identifying as asexual in between. It doesn’t help anyone, especially not people who have not met the right person but think that it’s fine to still have sex anyways, even when they don’t enjoy it, because as an asexual you can still have sex, right?

That is not true and it leads only to sadness and pain. Believe me, I was there.

First fic for femtropebingo

2015-02-07T23:15:17Z

Prompt: Mistaken Identity
Fandoms: Lost Girl, Being Erica
Characters/Pairing: Lauren Lewis and Cassidy Holland
Rating: PG
Summary: Cassidy breaks her foot and has an interesting night in the ER.
Author’s Notes: I took the mistaken identity prompt and wrote a fic I already had in my head since I’ve watched Being Erica in which Anna Silk plays a lesbian artist who later mentions having a girlfriend named Helen, of whom we know nothing other than that name and my headcanon just went with that and had a lot of fun - or more like a lot of sads, but yeah...

Nothing better than sitting in an emergency room in a strange country, your foot throbbing, everyone talking in a language you don’t understand, waiting for someone to finally take care of that damn broken bone. At least they gave her a room now, after more than three hours of waiting and being carted to and from the x-ray while trying to communicate mostly in gestures.

Everyone had said that going to Germany would be no problem, everybody would understand English enough to get around. Yeah, sadly, that didn’t take stumbling over a bench, breaking your foot and having to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night into account. At least they gave her something for the pain and assured her that there would be a doctor from America coming soon – well, she hoped that that was what the nurses were trying to tell her – but the waiting started to get on her nerves.

Cassidy stretched a little bit on the cot, putting her foot in a more comfortable position and sighed. At least all the heavy lifting for the exhibition had already been done today, so she didn’t have to worry about doing any of that with a broken foot. Even though getting around and actually talking to visitors would probably be a chore too, but not having to set up things anymore was definitely good.

Finally the door opened and someone other than a random nurse entered. Cassidy first saw only a clipboard held in front of a distinctly female figure, but then the clipboard lowered a little and her heart jumped a beat, or at least it felt like that. Her gaydar flew into the atmosphere. It wasn’t even the short black hair, or the big rimmed glasses or the very distinct lack of make up on her visitor – it was the way women held themselves, the stance, everything.

It was the aura of knowing that who and what you were was not approved by general society, the aura of having fought for the right to simply exist, to simply do what made you happy. That was almost always a very safe indicator and this woman exuded it in strides. Obviously she was a doctor, so Cassidy made allowances for that, succeeding in a field like that had to have taken some fighting, but still, it seemed almost certain.

All these thoughts had only taken a few seconds, in which the doctor had said something about her foot without looking up from the clipboard – at least the nurses apparently had been saying that there was an American doctor, because hers was very distinctly an American accent – thank god. Between that and her being a really cute person and with a pretty high probability gay, Cassidy’s night just got one hundred percent better.

At least for a few seconds more, until the doctor actually looked up from the clipboard and directly at her. And froze.

“Bo?”

And in just a second, the gaydar changed into a huge alarm bell. She had seen this look before. She had seen it on far too many faces. Seeing it directed at her, on the face of a stranger was more than a little unsettling. She had no idea what was going on, if ‘Bo’ was a name or something else, if she was being mistaken for someone or if she actually should know this woman, but the doctor, who had been petrified for a second, staring at her like a deer in the headlights, with eyes that screamed silently, suddenly sprung into action.

She nearly threw the clipboard on a nearby desk, darted forward, took her hands – something that wouldn’t be unpleasant normally but with the desperation that seemed to be behind this gesture was truly heartbreaking.

“What are you doing here? Do they know that you’re here? Are they coming? Why are you here? I…”

After all this had been uttered hastily, she seemed to have run out of questions, or breath, or just simply strength, as Cassidy could feel that she was trembling. She had no idea what to do, so she just tried to comfort the woman by holding her hand a bit tighter and giving her what was hopefully a comforting smile.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know you. My name is Cassidy Holland. I think you might have mistaken me for someone else.”

It was an obvious assertion and Cassidy felt weird making it, but she didn’t know what else to say. There was a storm of emotions written all over the doctor’s face. She seemed to still be caught in whatever memories had caused her to react like this. She sat back on the chair next to the cot and seemed to try and regain her composure.

“I’m really sorry. I’m just happy that someone speaks English, but I can call for another doctor. I really don’t want to cause any trouble.”

She basically just rambled and she knew it, trying to find a possible topic to talk about so that the doctor, who was still breathing heavily and seemed to struggle with tears, could calm down a bit and recover from what had clearly been a shock. For a few seconds, both of them were silent, Cassidy thinking fervently about something to comfort the woman, to assure her that everything was okay, but coming up empty.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have… I…”

The words were still heavy with uncried tears, it seemed to take her a lot of strength to even get them out. Cassidy decided that maybe engaging her with something familiar would be calming.

“I didn’t catch your name. Doctor?”

“L... Thomas. Helen Thomas.”

Cassidy smiled wider, pretending that she didn’t notice the little stutter or realized the probable reason behind it.

“Nice to meet you. I am Cassidy. Cassidy Holland. I would stand up, but…”

This seemed to bring the doctor back into the present, from whatever scary place she had still been caught up in. She got up and reached for the clipboard.

“Yes. Your foot. Your foot is broken in two places. It’s clear breaks though, there’s no need for setting it. You will have to be in a cast and you will need to take the weight off of it for a while. The nurses noted that you fell over a bench?”

She said all of these things quickly, still seemingly desperate to regain her professionalism, still not entirely succeeding. Cassidy decided to go along with it.

“Yeah, I was a klutz and stumbled over a bench when I was checking my paintings in the gallery. I would blame someone else for putting a bench there, but well, I did that myself, so...”

She laughed a little bit and was relieved to see that Doctor Thomas also smiled a little bit.

“You’re an artist? Which gallery?”

Delighted that they had a topic to talk about, Cassidy told her and was relieved to see her seeming to relax more and more now that she was talking about something other than her emotional outbreak. Cassidy found out that she had not only planned to go to the exhibition but also knew a lot about art and artists and that they had a lot in common when it came to favourite artists and paintings.

They talked quite a while, the doctor relaxing more and more. When a nurse opened the door and asked something in rapid German that Cassidy didn’t understand but that made the doctor nod and get up, she actually felt sorry that their conversation had to end.

When the nurse came in and put a cast on her leg the doctor left, probably for another patient, and after the nurse was finished and gave her crutches and some papers, Cassidy already wondered if the doctor would come back at all, realizing that she would much prefer it if she did, not only to make sure that she was alright but also because she had genuinely enjoyed their conversation.

She had to admit that she would quite like to see Doctor Thomas again, outside of the hospital, but the other woman’s reaction seemed to indicate that that was probably not the best idea ever. Figuring out how to best walk on the crutches took some time and then there was getting back to the gallery, which she had no idea how to do, so she approached the front desk to have them call a cab.

They actually understood English and assured her that a taxi would come for her in a few minutes and that she could sit in the waiting area until then. She had just sat down in an empty corner of the waiting area – which wasn’t very crowded at this time of night anyways – when she saw Doctor Thomas approaching. She didn’t even try to hide how happy she felt to see the doctor again and smiled widely, a smile that was actually returned, even though it still seemed like there was a little shadow on it.

“I wanted to make sure that you get back home safely.”

“Thanks.”

For a few moments, they just looked at each other, unsure of how to continue.

“Maybe you want to come to the exhibition opening tomorrow? I can get you free tickets.”

The smile got wider, and there was even the hint of a little laugh.

“Of course, how could I resist that offer.”

As soon as she said those words, the doctor seemed to regret them, her eyes getting wide again, even physically taking a step back, before she regained her composure again and let out a little nervous laugh.

Cassidy stood up, careful not to encroach on the other woman’s personal space but wanting to comfort her as best as possible. She decided that it wouldn’t do any good to just pretend to ignore the clear signs of the doctor’s discomfort.

“Are you okay?”

Another little laugh, straightening of shoulders.

“Of course. I’m fine.”

“You don’t have to lie to me. It’s okay.”

The doctor stared at her for a second, and then lost the mask of professional detachment completely. As if she somehow lost all her strength, she sunk into the chair next to Cassidy’s, trembling. Actual tears were falling down her cheeks now and she buried her head in her hands.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Cassidy had no idea what to do, if she could even dare touch the doctor, so she just sat down again, trying to exude an aura of compassion. They just sat there for a few moments, the doctor silently sobbing.

“I should go, I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry.”

She made a move to get up, which seemed to stir the doctor, she looked up with tearfilled eyes and made a move towards Cassidy’s hands, actually grabbing them, albeit weakly.

“No, please, don’t go.”

Cassidy settled into the chair more comfortably and held the doctor’s hands, while the other woman put her head onto Cassidy’s shoulder and let out a series of heavy breaths. She had no idea what was even happening and if this would turn out to be a terrible idea, but right here, right now, comforting this stranger felt right. It felt like the most right thing she had ever done in her entire life.

Dear Galentine’s Author

2014-12-27T17:42:38Z

First off, thank you for writing for me, I am sure I will love whatever you come up with. :)

In general, I love fluffy, lovey dovey stories, cutesy stuff. I love children, so if you feel inclined to either write past fics for the characters as children or fics for the characters who are actually children, I would love that. But anything about any of the requested characters would be awesome. I love character studies, fics in which nothing really happens, just the characters thinking, friendship fics.

You can do romantic themes if that’s your thing (please no fighting couples), I love romance (obviously keeping it between the characters I requested and only them), but please keep it in the fluffy area without going to much into sexual themes (I’m asexual, so if the fic is only centred around how much they are sexually attracted to each other, I won’t get very much out of it). But like I said, the fluffy, plush animals and cute cards side of romance is very much something I love.

And obviously if you want to, you can always go through my own AO3, the fics I write are exactly the fics I like, so… :)

What I don’t like is anything dark, especially when it’s non canon abuse (if there is canon abuse and you describe the character coping with it, it’s okay, but please no graphic descriptions). Absolutely NO rape, sexual abuse, pedophilia, bdsm, anything in that vein please. Also I would prefer it very much if you could keep any guys out of the fic altogether. No guys.

Star Trek: Voyager
Kathryn Janeway, Seven of Nine, B'Elanna Torres, Naomi Wildman, Kes
I ship Janeway and Seven a lot, so anything romancy for these two would be great (again, no fighting please). But I also love both of them individually and I adore Seven’s friendship with Naomi. And I like B’Elanna and Seven’s friendship and Kes’ and Janeway’s friendship. And again, any of the other characters individually would be awesome too.
Since two of the women here are in canon relationships with guys, I reiterate to please leave the guys out of the fic.

Babylon 5
Susan Ivanova, Delenn
Anything really. I ship them, mostly after the ending, I am convinced that they had a beautiful relationship after Susan moved to Minbar, so anything about that would be awesome. But if you want to make it a present or past time fic, that would be great too, basically either or both of them just being their awesome selves.

Avatar: Legend of Korra
Toph Beifong, Asami Sato, Korra, Jinora
TOPH. I’d love to read a fic about Toph in the swamp, just her being happy. Toph and Jinora talking about spirits and the spirit world and feelings and stuff would be awesome too. Also anything about Jinora being an awesome Airbender Master, Asami being an awesome business woman and inventor and Korra being an awesome Avatar and all of them just being awesome people, period.
I do ship Korra and Asami and I think they could have a great relationship, so if you want to write that, I’d love that. Anything about their time in the spirit world or anything after they come back. Them traveling the world together, Korra finally happy in her role as Avatar and Asami happy and inventing.

Avatar: The Last Airbender
Toph Beifong, Ty Lee
I repeat myself: TOPH. Just anything about Toph. At all. Past fic, future fic, I don’t care. Just TOPH. The only huge NO NO is her going back to her parents. You can write about her childhood or future but anything involving her parents should very very clearly say that they are abusive assholes and she doesn’t owe them a second of her time. I also don’t buy for a second that Toph would ever be anything but an awesome mother, so if you want to write her with Lin and Su, please keep that in mind.
ETA: okay, I didn't know you needed to include two characters, so I'm including Ty Lee. I like her, mostly I like how she came to the conclusion that her problems were not about appearance and wanting to be different than her sisters, but about her finding herself, who she really was and with joining the Kyoshi warriors, she did that. So, anything about her finding herself, her and the other girls bonding in prison, her standing up to Azula would be awesome.

Firefly
River Tam, Kaylee Frye, Inara Serra, Zoe Washburne
River is awesome, anything about her as a baby or her steering the Serenity / having kind of a relationship with Serenity would be awesome. Also basically anything for Zoe and Kaylee. Inara please only in a ship or friendship with Kaylee. Kaylee backstory would be really cute too, or just her and her love for engineering and frilly cute pink stuff.
And again, since both Kaylee and Zoe are in relationships with guys canonically, please no guys.

Orange is the New Black
Poussey Washington, Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson, Suzanne Warren, Janae Watson
Anything. Backstories, present time stories, anything. My favourites are Suzanne (please don’t call her crazy eyes) and Poussey but I love Taystee and Janae too. Any friendships between all four, friendship or (platonic) romantic relationship between Poussey and Taystee would be awesome. I headcanon Poussey as asexual romantic. I’d especially love backstory for Suzanne, we know some but there’s definitely room for much more.

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 24

2014-12-24T18:38:07Z

Last door! Santa Blebs is coming! Since we are celebrating Christmas and opening presents etc. on Christmas Eve where we live, the last door is a big big bag of presents for my Bli, brought, obviously, by Santa Blebs. :D

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 23

2014-12-23T19:46:11Z

Okay, I made a blebs, I moved the days around and suddenly didn't have anything for today but I had an idea, so, here you go, a word search with the names of all our stuffed Blebses (currently, this number will grow considerably tomorrow :D).

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 22

2014-12-22T21:20:39Z

A really hard sliding puzzle as we are reaching the end.

http://www.proprofs.com/games/puzzle/sliding/yawnie-blebses/

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 21

2014-12-21T21:39:45Z

We are nearing the end of our awesome advent calendar. Today we will have another blebs to color, this time an adorable baby blebs. :)

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 20

2014-12-20T21:49:15Z

Aaand another jigsaw puzzle! But this is the last one. It's VERY HARD! :D

http://www.jigsawplanet.com/?rc=play&pid=0bce6e600233

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 19

2014-12-19T22:42:28Z

Blebs crossword number 2, this time cute stuff about blebses, mostly invented words, so I don't know how solvable it is for everyone else. :P

Across
2. Blebses are fat for a reason, what else do they do to stay warm?
4. Which color do baby blebses mostly have?

Down
1. All blebses are ______ but baby blebses look much more like they are, especially arctic baby blebses.
2. Since they’re so fat and build for swimming mostly, how do blebses move on land?
3. When blebses have a blebs off, what do they do?

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 18

2014-12-18T19:31:04Z

Today we'll have an easy one: Find the Blebs!

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 17

2014-12-17T21:56:53Z

Today we'll have another sliding puzzle. Have fun! :D

http://www.proprofs.com/games/puzzle/sliding/blebs-family/

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 16

2014-12-16T20:01:30Z

And back to the regular scheduled entry. Today we connect the Blebs dots. Or play Blebs connect the dots, whichever. :D

One thing, after 16, it seems to jump to 32, that is because I counted all the little dot spaces in between but there was no space to write the numbers, so, just connect the dots in a way that seems good for you. :-D

31 Days of Yourself

2014-12-16T19:16:33Z

We are happy and excited to share with you our new project (sister project to awesome-things-about-myself on tumblr): 31 Days of Yourself challenge!

Girls and women as a class are, since very early childhood, socialized into behaviors that are harmful and self-destructive. Being "nice", "polite" and "ladylike", denying yourself basic needs like food and rest, defining yourself by relationships with other people and sacrificing yourself for them... All of these (and many more) attitudes and behaviors are seen as values and something to aspire to as a girl and woman. And all of them lead to not putting yourself and your well-being first in your own life, not loving yourself (or hating yourself), and not even knowing yourself as an individual well enough.

That's the reason we (jacquelee and dance_the_dance) came up with this challenge.

In the first month of the new year (or in any other month you choose, if you don't end up doing it in January) you have a chance to focus on you, to do what you love doing, to get to know yourself better and to put yourself first.

The challenge is a pretty unusual one. If you want to you can do it only for and with yourself. You don't need to write answers to daily questions or post them on your blog or anywhere else. The daily challenges are small actions (with long descriptions) rather than questions. That said, if you want to keep a journal about the whole challenge, or answer some of the daily challenges in writing (since the possibility exists), you are always welcome to do so. If you post about it to tumblr, twitter, facebook or other media with hashtags (whether it's your daily entries or general thoughts about the challenge), you can tag with #31daysofyourself.

The challenge is livejournal- and tumblr-based simply because that's where we spend the most time. Feel free to do it and share it with people absolutely everywhere on the internet, or even offline if you want to. All public posts we make about it are yours to link far and wide. :)

Here is the link to this same post on tumblr for reblogging.

31 DAYS OF YOURSELF

01 - Make a list of who you are. Write it down (either on paper or on the computer). Make it as long or as short as you want and feel comfortable with. You can include everything you want (what you like to do, your personality traits, anything about you that you can think of), but you CANNOT describe yourself in relation to other people. It doesn't matter if they would be positive, negative or neutral, things like "I'm a wife", "I'm a twin" or "I'm a good friend" are not allowed in this exercise. Keep your list for the rest of the month (or longer if you want to) because maybe other days will give you opportunities to add more things to the list, or maybe to cross some out and replace them with something else.

02 - What is your favorite color? It's not as simple a question as it sounds. Your favorite color doesn't have to (though it can) mean the color you wear the most, or the color that's fashionable, or the color you say whenever you answer this question because you got used to it. What is YOUR favorite color, the one that feels like YOU, the one that can make you happy when you see it? Name it, and focus on it today. Wear something in your favorite color, hang a picture on the wall, paint or otherwise create something, buy something new in this color... The possibilities are endless. :)

03 - Listen to your favorite song. It can, but doesn't have to be a song that you've been playing on repeat recently. It can be a song that makes you smile to yourself and dance. It can be a song that reminds you of a time when you were truly happy and truly yourself. Whatever song it is, it only matters that it is YOUR song. If you haven't heard it for a long time (either because you forgot about it or because you intentionally kept in the past), find it today on the old album or on the internet and listen to it again.

04 - Find your favorite picture of yourself and share it. It definitely doesn't need to be a picture that seems great because you look the way you're supposed to look according to society's beauty standards. It doesn't matter what type of picture it is, as long as it's a picture where you feel and look like YOURSELF, the happy, free and unique YOU. The picture that makes you smile at yourself in it and makes you want to be friends with the person you see. Share it in any way you want. Post it on the internet (on any privacy level you feel comfortable with) or just show it to someone in person.

05 - Imagine and describe yourself in the future, if money and other people were not an issue. You can write it down or just visualize it in your head, whichever feels more comfortable to you. What you define as "future" is up to you, but at least a year ahead is probably the best. Where would you be if everything was up to you? There's a catch - you CAN'T include your relationships to other people in your vision. "I would be in a romantic relationship" or "I would be a mother" or even "I would have a big circle of friends" are not valid answers here. Otherwise, anything goes! Having a career you love, studying what you're passionate about, learning new skills or hobbies, visiting new places or going back to places you love, or just relaxing at home doing what you love and maybe making a job out of it... Your vision is your own. :)

06 - What is your special talent? It doesn't have to be one of the talents that are considered "important" or "real", like singing or painting. And it DEFINITELY doesn't have to be (in fact, it cannot be) a talent that your parents or teachers pushed on you even though you've always disliked it. Maybe you are really awesome at remembering names of different cars, or at climbing trees, or at neatly organizing things, or at keeping attention of children and telling them engaging stories... As long as it's something you love doing and are good at, ANYTHING can be a special talent. :) If you have an opportunity to do that, spend some time today cultivating your talent. If not, talk about it to someone or make a post about it on the internet.

07 - Take up space at least once. It can take many forms depending on what you're going to do today. Don't try to make yourself smaller or irrelevant physically (for example by taking as little of your seat on the bus as possible, or by getting out of the way all the time when walking through a crowd). Speak up when you feel something is wrong, either in person or on the internet. Wear the thing you've always wanted to wear but didn't because people would judge you. Make silly faces, laugh out loud, burp or dance in public. Take a selfie and share it. Do anything that to you equals "taking up space". :)

08 - Watch your favorite movie or your favorite episode of a tv show. Just like other favorites on this list, it doesn't have to (but it can) be your current favorite. As long as it's not something you feel you're supposed to like (because it's famous or because of pressure from fandom or for any other reason), it can be any movie or episode. Something that makes you smile or calms you down or something you relate to and feel inspired by... Any movie or episode that is YOURS. :)

09 - Talk to your favorite person. Not necessarily the person you think SHOULD be your favorite (your family, your best friends or your partner can be toxic or even abusive, and you don't owe them anything if they are). Your favorite person is the person who can always make you smile and light up inside. When you're with this person you feel free to be fully yourself, you don't feel judged or unimportant or stressed. It doesn't matter who it is. If it's one of the people listed above - awesome. If it's a classmate or a co-worker, or a neighbor, or someone you only sometimes talk to on the internet, or anyone else - awesome. Spend time with this person today, either in person, or call them, or contact them online, or even write them a real letter... Spend your time with them the way that makes you happy and relaxed. :) If there's no way for them to contact you back today, either leave them a message or prepare something to send/tell them later. Do something that already makes you feel the positive energy. :)

10 - Spend some time with nature. It doesn't require changing your plans or even leaving the house. If you have a pet, spend time together, snuggle, play. If you have a garden (or even just plants in your room), look at the plants, maybe take care of them or plant some new ones. If you have free time and a possibility to go somewhere, visit a park or go see the river or go to any other place that is available for you. If you can't do any of this, look at your holiday pictures or find pictures on the internet of places you love and/or places you'd love to see in person - a sunset at the beach, snow in the mountains, a creek in the forest... Anything that makes you feel calm, peaceful and happy. :)

11 - Do at least one thing that you want to do for yourself, but you tend to put it off because you feel like outside obligations (especially ones put on you by other people) or "rules" are more important. Watch that movie or marathon that tv show, eat the food, read that book or magazine, go to the website that makes you happy, do something that others deem "pointless" or "useless" but you love doing... It doesn't matter what you do, as long as it's something you want to do for yourself, and as long as you don't make up excuses. "Because I want to" is the best reason and only reason you ever need.

12 - Don't do at least one thing you don't want to do. You might feel obligated to talk to someone who is toxic, or to change your appearance according to society's expectations, or to do school work you hate, or to do anything else that doesn't feel right to you or brings you down. If it feels forced and you know the obligation comes from the outside and is not what YOU want to do in YOUR life, don't do this thing today. That's enough. As an extra step you can add yesterday's challenge - instead of doing that thing you don't want to do, do something you love that you wouldn't have done otherwise. :)

13 - Eat your favorite food. The food that is actually YOUR favorite, even if it's "weird" or otherwise frowned upon by anyone else for any reason. If you cannot eat it today (no money to buy it, no time or energy to make it, health or recovery issues, or other reasons such as "seasonal fruit is my favorite and it's winter"), make an appointment with yourself to eat the food at the very next opportunity you have. A real appointment that you put in your calendar, on your to-do list or otherwise seriously include in your plans. And then follow up on it. :)

14 - At least once when you feel the impulse to say "sorry" (except when it's an actual apology for an actual wrongdoing), don't say it. Behaviors like trying to speak in a group or in class, wanting to take more physical space, dropping something and having to pick it up, making an error that didn't hurt anyone, forgetting something, and countless other things that women are socialized to say "sorry" for... None of them warrant an apology. Existing in public as a human being when you're a woman doesn't warrant an apology.

15 - Revisit something that you loved as a child. It can be a movie, a book, a hobby... anything you can think of that really mattered to you when you were little. Look it up on the internet, maybe there's a way to watch the movie or tv show, or to read at least parts of the book. If you were very interested in some field of knowledge (like dinosaurs or space) and then school and/or lack of time took the passion away from you, read or watch something about it today, just for yourself. If you loved doing something that you haven't done for a very long time (like drawing, singing or crafting), do it today and rediscover the fun. Don't pay attention to the results - even if you didn't get any better at the skill since you were 4, it doesn't stop you from doing it today! :)

16 - Voice at least one unpopular opinion you have. It doesn't matter how "significant" it seems to you, and if it's a simple "I think this blockbuster movie is overrated", or something about your hobbies, or fashion, or politics, or a disagreement with fandom. Anything counts, as long as it's an opinion you usually hide because it doesn't align with the popular opinion (either in general society or among people you know). Obviously you don't need to be confrontational about it, unless you want to. If it causes you stress, it's not worth doing. Either say it to someone who wouldn't start a fight with you, or pick something not very controversial, or maybe just write a casual rant on the internet (in a place where people are not going to attack you) about the opinion you've been holding in for too long.

17 - Spend 10 minutes (or more if you want to) in front of the mirror and only say positive things about your body. Point out your favorite physical features and body parts. Look at your whole body and appreciate it for what it can do and for belonging to YOU (an awesome important person). Any negative opinions about your body are not allowed. "This part of my body needs to become different and then I can love it" is not allowed either. Obviously if you can't stop negative thoughts you didn't "lose the challenge". Losing doesn't even exist here - participating means you are already a badass winner, it's automatic and obvious. :) Acknowledge that the negative thoughts exist but don't make them a part of your mental list (or actual written down list, if you want to make one) that you get out of this exercise.

18 - Spend 10 minutes (or more if you want to) in front of the mirror and only say positive things about yourself. It's a different challenge than yesterday. If you thought of more things about your body that you love, by all means include them today! :) Otherwise, think of all your favorite things about yourself that don't have to be related to your body. It can be your personality, your quirks, your achievements, anything at all, as long as it's about YOU and not about your relationships with other people. Be your own best friend at least for these 10 minutes. The things you list need to be YOUR favorite things about yourself, not things you're supposed to consider good because people you know and/or society in general value them in people (especially in women). Everything positive counts, no matter how "insignificant" it seems.

19 - Don't push yourself beyond your limits. It's a different exercise than the "don't do what you don't want to do" one, because this time it doesn't have to originally be something you didn't want to do. This time the point is to stop when something you normally like (or at least don't mind) becomes too much and causes a strain or even becomes harmful to you. It might be working on an interesting project until your body is falling asleep, or being there for a friend in trouble until it saps your mental and emotional energy, or any other activity where you begin to ignore warning signs from your body or mind. Today take a while to recognize if what you're doing becomes too much for your physical or mental well-being, and allow yourself to stop and rest.

20 - What is your favorite thing you've created? It doesn't matter what it is (a poem, a drawing, a fanfic, a computer graphic, a school essay, a piece of clothing, a toy, a song... anything). It doesn't matter what other people think about it. It doesn't matter how "insiginificant" or "pointless" you might think it is. It doesn't matter how long ago you made it. As long as it's your creation and you're proud of it, it counts! :) If you still have access to it, show it to someone, either on the internet or in person. If you don't have access to it anymore, still think about it and how it made you feel to create it, and then pick something else you've created that you also like and show it to someone.

21 - Every time you see your reflection today, smile at yourself. That's it. It doesn't matter if it's because you intentionally look in the mirror, or because you pass one, or even because you pass a glass door or a window where you see your reflection. Smile at the awesome and important person you see there. :)

22 - When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? No answer is "wrong", whether it was something completely fictional (like a dinosaur or an elf) or an actual occupation that exists. The only important thing is that it needs to be something YOU wanted to be, not something that your parents or teachers wanted you to be, or something that you felt you should be, or something that felt "realistic" but not particularly exciting. Think about what it meant to you. What would the job actually be, what personality traits would it need and what kind of activities would it entail (courage? confidence? creativity? exploration? being the center of attention?). Remind yourself what vision of yourself was important to you when you were a kid. In the rare case when the actual occupation is still something you'd like to do but you gave up on it, research it today, see how you could possibly still do it, even if it doesn't become your job. If your dream job was fictional or if it was something you don't want to do anymore, think about how you can include its general vision of yourself into your daily life.

23 - If you police and correct your posture for reasons other than health (such as appearance, gendered behavior expected from women and any other reason that comes from outside "rules" and other people's judgement), make a point to not do it today at least once. Sit, stand, walk and move the way YOU do it, the way that is natural to your body before you think "this is not attractive/elegant/feminine/etc." and modify it. If policing your posture is not a specific problem to you, let this day be another exercise in having your body take up space instead of making yourself smaller and/or getting out of the way.

24 - Read your favorite thing. It doesn't matter if it's a book (obviously just a part or a few parts of it, if it's any longer than what you'd reasonably read during one day), a magazine, a blog, fanfiction or anything else. As long as it's not something that you feel like you "should" like (because it's "mature" and "not silly", or because it's popular, or because it's school-related or for any other reason), anything counts. Read what YOU love reading. Read what makes you happy or relaxed or inspired. Read what makes you not want to stop reading it. :)

25 - Visit or think about your favorite place. I think in most cases it's going to be impossible to visit your favorite place today, so just look at pictures you took there, read a book or something on the internet about it, talk about it to someone who was there too or introduce someone to it... Most importantly, make concrete plans to go there when it's possible (as long as it is possible). If the place is somewhere close (or if your favorite place is your house or your room), go there and cherish it and just be YOU there. :)

26 - At least once during the day notice any negative inner voice about yourself and change it to something that you would say to a person you like. Whether the negativity you're feeling is "warranted" (you failed an important exam or got fired) or judging yourself is something you're used to doing in everyday life, don't say to yourself anything you wouldn't say to someone you like. "You're stupid and you always fail" is out. "You can do better next time and you had some bad luck" is what works. Same with "you're ugly", "you're worthless", "you don't deserve [this good thing]" and any other negative messages. If it's something that would hurt both of you if you said it to a person you like, don't say it to yourself today.

27 - Except if it's your job, don't smile when it's expected of you, only smile when you genuinely feel like smiling. At least once today don't smile because people say you look prettier or seem more confident, or because smiling is expected from a woman and her natural facial expression is automatically called "bitchface", or because it makes your arguments more palatable, or for any other reason that doesn't come from your own body and your own emotions. You don't owe it to anyone to fake a smile and you deserve to express your own emotions exactly the way they are.

28 - Think about what you consider embarrassing, and why you find these particular things embarrassing. If there are people in your life who judge you for your forms of self-expression or for your quirks or for harmless errors you make, do they deserve to have their opinion be so important to you that doing these things scares you? If it comes up today and you have the opportunity to do something (anything at all) that you or people you know would consider embarrassing, go ahead and do it! :) You have the freedom to act the way you want to act (no matter how silly or unconventional or loud it is), to like what you like, and to make mistakes. It's YOUR life and other people's judgement can't take that away.

29 - Try something that is new to you. It doesn't matter if it's a new tv show, a new food, a new route to work, talking to someone you've never talked to before, a new hobby... Anything goes, as long as it's not something that other people asked you to do or something that you do because you feel a pressure about it from your environment. It needs to come from yourself, it needs to be something YOU are curious about. Either because you've been thinking about it for a while now, or because it's just an impulse you feel when you see this opportunity today. If you don't feel comfortable with change, it doesn't have to mean that this exercise is not for you. The point of it is definitely not to push boundaries. The point is to see the chances and opportunities you get to do different things you want to do, and to see that you can take those chances.

30 - Go back to the list of things about yourself that you made on the first day. (If you've been going back to it during the month, that's awesome!) See if and how much the list has changed after this month. Do you have anything to edit or cross out? More importantly, do you have things to add? Do you see yourself more positively, more clearly, more fully, and (which is THE most important thing) do you see yourself more through your own eyes? Not as images of you created and/or enforced by other people and society. If you see yourself more as YOU than you did before, even a tiny little bit, then this challenge has been even more successful than we dreamed it would be. :)

31 - The challenge is over. This point is not a part of it anymore. But it would be awesome if, starting today, you treated yourself at least once a day like you would treat someone you really like. Like you would treat someone you love. Because you deserve it. :)

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 15

2014-12-15T17:33:40Z

Another jigsaw puzzle because I really love them. This one's even harder (yes, they are getting increasingly harder, but no worries, we are nearing the end).

http://www.jigsawplanet.com/?rc=play&pid=1c99360cb365

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 14

2014-12-14T14:35:11Z

There are 11 differences in the two pictures. Let's find them all! (Well, I hope there are 11, honestly, it's frakking hard to count them and I lost track after I made the first three, so... :P).

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 13

2014-12-13T19:52:41Z

Today we color again. :D

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 12

2014-12-12T17:55:21Z

Today let's do a sliding puzzle!

http://www.proprofs.com/games/puzzle/sliding/sleepy-blebs/

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 11

2014-12-11T21:35:39Z

Today everyone gets some cute blebs icons, free for use, and also there’s a bonus picture of us. Look who just moved in! :D

Grumpy Blebs, Snowy Blebs and Sheepy Blebs. They form the formidable trio, ‘grrrr arrghing’ at all the assholes. Snowy came first, a present for Nikolaus (we celebrate that on 6th of December) and today their cousins Sheepy and Grumpy arrived. Sheepy mistakenly landed in blebsland a while ago and grew up with blebses, so now they think they’re a blebs too. Honorary blebs!

Advent Calendar 2014 - Door 10

2014-12-10T11:58:42Z

Second blebsie jigsaw today, a little harder. :D Yes, these will get increasingly harder, I love really challenging jigsaws.

http://www.jigsawplanet.com/?rc=play&pid=09e732680839