Peering into the present

The End of These Worlds

2011-12-17T14:24:31Z

I've been 'writing' for 25 years, but it took The Edge of Propinquity - and Jennifer Brozek - to make me see what writing was.

In 2005, Jenn invited me to contribute a serial horror story to her new online magazine. It sounded like a challenge and an opportunity, one I wanted to take on. I don't read much horror and don't watch many horror movies, a fact I don't think she realized - but the most horrific thing I could think of was, at the time, the centerpiece of Vorare.

As a serial, I wrapped it up at the end of the year with my protagonist's death. That's when Jenn asked what happened next. It hadn't occurred to me this would be a multi-year gig, but I had some ideas. I learned a good deal about editorial requests and taking direction; all in the spirit of getting a better story. We talked back and forth for a couple of days, until I knew how to bring someone back from the dead. Gordon Velander stuck with me another two years, getting grimmer and more bloody as time and tide went on.

We dropped our share of deadlines, Gordon and I. We missed cues and I missed tons of opportunities to make the story as good as it could be. We were younger and rawer, lazier and unsure. But we learned as we went, until in 2009, our partnership ended. I was tired of horror, and wanted to turn my hand to a suburban fantasy.

Solstice had promise, but was born at an awkward time. I felt the steam slacken around month six and learned some solid lessons about planning and outlining, about characterization, about the difference between a cautious, normal decision and an exciting, dramatic one. By the first quarter of the second year Jenn and I both knew Solstice was ending - and I was afraid my welcome was, too.

In August, I pitched Idolwood.

I put more work into Idolwood than into any project I'd been on before, because I had come to understand how much the Edge and Jenn deserved. They inspired me to be my best, to work harder, to try something bigger. At first it made me proud to be a part of their work and their legacy; and today, I feel both blessed, humble, and sad to see the end.

There are a lot of people to thank for the last six years. Saan Saturday, Erica Lira and Anastasia Storer, the first who made me believe I could make a go of it. Jen Bryant, Kerry Patterson, Jennifer Richards, and Aaron Dellutri; for coming to the party with questions and enthusiasm.

To all the authors I've come to know, respect and sometimes love over the past six - Ryan Macklin, Rick Silva, James Sullivan, Nick Bergeron, Seanan McGuire, Kaolin Fire, Alina Pete and Peter Ball. To Lillian Cohen-Moore, for keeping us in new music and on target; and to Amber Clark, for her phenomenal photography and lasting contribution to Idolwood's look and feel.

A special thank you to my wife, Leanne, who can't always stomach my stories but who never leaves my heart.

And to Jennifer Brozek, for steering the ship through nightmare country - for her silver hand and steel will - for being the one I can't thank enough. I'll see you come the end of the world.

In Which You Thank God You Were Not There

2010-07-17T17:02:40Z

(X-posted to ivanewert.com, which x-posts to facebook. Look, if you know a better way to tie all these together, let me know, yeah?)

So bear with me.

It's hot out today, over ninety-five degrees; but the lawn desperately needs mowing, I have no clean laundry, the garden has once again become the red line for feral and diarrhetic cats, and I've got a wedding to attend in the early afternoon.

I get the lawn mowed while laundry is in the works. Each pass with the tractor in the heat saps more of my already none-too good sense, especially as I am more interested in being done quickly than things like a hat, sunscreen, or hydration. Once this is done I go to the garage to gas up the mower.

The muddy clothes I wore to paintball last time - you know, June 5? About 42 days ago? Yeah, they're still in a plastic sack in the garage. And have been all through this heat wave. Without ever being touched.

A common mind might wrinkle his nose and toss the bag, but I am mindful of my proud Scottish ancestors! Waste not, want not! A penny saved is a penny earned! Also, these are a pair of my better skivvies here! I can hose them off, scrape them down, then throw them in as a separate load of laundry!

This is where it gets harder to explain, but the following thoughts are important. Bear in mind that I am crazed with sun and heat.

1) I'm hot, sweaty, terribly sticky. I'm going to shower immediately. Off with the t-shirt.
2) Oh look, I'm wearing my good work belt. Silly me. Off with the belt.

So, I'm half-dressed and ready to hose down an entire suit of clothes in the yard.

NOW. The following are not thoughts, but things, which are important to know.

1) I've been better on my diet lately and have lost several pounds.
2) It's laundry day. Certain articles of clothing may have been sacrificed until I am finished working and showering.

This is the bit where the laugh track gets uncomfortable, and rightly so; for the audience slowly realizes that a shirtless dude going commando in pants made for his previous size may experience certain issues.

What they may NOT realize is that said issues may occur while hosing down a pair of mud-caked underwear in the yard.

I have personally done more today to lower property values than any of the local dealers. In its own small way, that's something of an achievement, don't you think?

Anxiety, Triggers and Tripwires

2010-06-29T15:49:19Z

New post at IvanEwert.com on anxiety, workflows, and self-recognition.

Two Months Gone

2010-06-22T18:06:20Z

Wow ... so, um, hey guys, what's up?

Livejournal to me was always the place for longer, more thoughtful commentary. It was a place to put out ideas for discussion and serious matters that required consideration. It was also the place where I met so many great people.

And I miss those people! I miss all of you, even the ones I do still see on Twitter, on Facebook, etc. I miss reading the longer entries and giving things more careful attention.

The past several months have been absolutely mind-blowing in terms of growth and expansion. I've been re-learning so many of the things that used to bring me joy and re-integrating them into my life, sometimes over the objections of people whose opinion matters a lot to me. I was never good at asserting myself around my loved ones - I could do it with people I didn't care about, but people I love have historically been more important than me to my mind. That's changing. That's changing a lot.

You guys, I'm cooking. I've made four new salsas in the past week alone, each of them devoured by neighbors and relatives. I've taught myself how to cut up a whole chicken rather than relying on boneless, skinless breasts. I've made barbecue rubs, mops, and sauces. I've got a new grill the size of a Chevy, just for me.

I can't tell you how much I love it. Five hours in the kitchen is a fecking wonderful afternoon, chopping and dicing and moving. I've always loved it, but I always sucked at it, because I never paid enough attention to what I was doing. Now I'm noticing where the fat separates from the tendon, how the addition of one less lime would increase the flavor, why I don't want to sauce things too early.

I'm reading again. Right now it's Naomi Novak and Jim Butcher, with Osho and Cameron in the morning self-help section. I've been writing more and more than any time in the past 17 years, and taking it seriously enough to merit constant rewrites and attention.

My life's golden. My life's great. I hope you've all been okay and I hope to see more of you over the next several months.

Car Recommendations

2010-04-28T11:33:06Z

Hey all,

I was in a car accident yesterday morning. I'm fine, but the car is not so much.

Ive been lusting after a Prius since they came out, but between the recent Toyota troubles, the fact that most of my driving is highway based (though in stop and go traffic) and the news that you're expected to get them serviced at a ridiculous rate, the missus is suggesting I widen my net.

So I ask you, o wise ones of the web: What car are you happy with? I need one that's available under $20,000 and that will stand up to around 60 miles per day in a combination of steady highway and stop and go traffic.

Self-Bribery: Trying something new

2010-04-23T17:27:50Z

So okay. I'm desperately unmotivated right now, partly because I know how much crap I have sitting around that really needs to get done. The long-term planning thing is not so much my bag.

I'm going to appeal to my basest, most childike nature.

By Sunday night, if I have:

1) Completed the MCCC work for pro-choice site work,
2) Completed the Raue Center work for theatre site work,
3) Set up my meeting with Benedict's for restaurant site work,
4) Done final edits and submitted the short story, Glorious Hands,
5) Completed the drafts for May's Solstice story, and
6) Finished the poster designs for Triskele Moon Studio's mother's day show ...

Then I get this and I don't let myself talk myself out of it the way I always do when I try to buy myself something fun that is not food or alcohol-based.

Which means if you see me fucking around on Facebook, for the love of god, slap me.

Books and Reading

2010-04-16T16:44:37Z

I mentioned about a month ago that I had started seriously reading again for the first time in about ... oh, eight or nine years. A combination of losing two hours of public transit a day, adding in an hour or two of gym time every day,and a poor psychological decision combined to take my beloved books away from me. Forever, I thought.

Oh, the poor decision? Well, I thought since I was writing more, I should read less. You know, to avoid picking up on other peoples' styles.

Look, I claim to be awesome, not necessarily bright.

At any rate, after listening to too many writing podcasts natter at me about the importance of reading, and after a conscious decision to spend less time starting at little glowing screens or little brown bottles, I've been reading.

And I've been reading like a writer, and that fact just hit me last week.

The book in question is Iain M Banks' Player of Games, which just felt torturously, terribly slow to me for the first thirty pages or so. Which is to say, this is when I picked up on what he was doing.

Gurgeh is bored with his everyday utopian* existence. He's bored with utopia itself. Nothing means anything to him, and as a result, not much seems to mean anything to the reader.

I know I'm too old to be geeking out over this, but like I say, I've been away a long time, and even when I *did* read I was very much of the mindset that analyzing things was a dull waste of time when there was surface fun to be had just in the reading of a book.

The book *does* pick up, of course; and I was awake until 1 AM on Tuesday polishing off the last 150 pages. I highly recommend it, and am picking up the first Culture novel via Amazon this weekend.

* -- Looks like Utopia to me, anyway. No money, no laws, no hunger, no sickness, no death, no pressures**. Based on this book I'd pledge allegiance to The Culture in a heartbeat.

** -- doogs19 and I are signed up to play Luke and Jared's new game, Freemarket, at GenCon. It looks to me very very very much like it might have been inspired by the Culture.

So, a month, eh?

2010-04-13T16:51:03Z

All right, let's try to put some longer stuff out there. I miss you guys and the job isn't going to get any easier anytime soon, so I better get my g__d___ priorities straight.

Again, if you want really up to the minute nonsense, you can find me on Twitter of Facebook as IvanEwert. I'm thinking of going ahead and renaming this one to match, as my old paranoia has largely faded away thanks to a combination of therapy and advancing years.

The biggest news isn't my own, but we finally launched the Triskele Moon Studios Web site at http://www.triskelemoon.com/ for Leanne's jewelry. Two pieces have sold so far, which is not a bad rate in my opinion, given the lack of advertising and the higher-end nature of the pieces. She's planning to work this week on getting some new stuff up as well, but if you'd like to stop by and pass along your opinion, that'd be awesome.

Second biggest news is only partly my own: Grants Pass won the Australian Shadows award for the Edited Publications category! So huzzah to jennifer_brozek and amandapillar for that one, but also, hurray for me - my contribution was called out as a standout story, which gave me a nice kick inside.

The news that HASN'T been reprinted anywhere so far is gaming news. I was thinking of trying to write it up for claw/claw/peck, but basically, I've learned two big things about the way I run D&D 4E and how best to make it work for my group.

First off: Start the evening with the great big conflict, don't end with it. By ten o'clock two of the dudes are practically asleep, and I'm anxious to get on the interstate home. That makes me rush things, which is no damn good at all. On the other hand, when I kick off with the great big conflict, people stay alert and excited until at least the aftermath ... when the roleplay starts, and our resident "buddy" and "combat monkey" players can afford to drift off.

Secondly: Let them pick a great big obvious path with a flashing yellow question mark above an NPC's head. Give them big, broad choices; and make the smaller ones on their behalf. Sandbox play is sadly not their style, and frankly, that makes my life simpler.

Thirdly: Spent the g__d___ money on minis, set up interesting combat maps, etc. If they're drooling over Penny Arcade's DM style every month, then it's clear they want the geegaws. Listen to that and use it.

I can't recommend MasterPlan enough to anyone running 4E. As doogs19 puts it, you're basically cheating at being a DM now, because it's so much easier.

Next post will be less game-oriented. Honest.

The Suicide Tourist - PBS Frontline, March 2, 9 PM Eastern

2010-03-02T18:36:06Z

For those who don't follow the main blog or facebook ...

Tonight, PBS Frontline will become the first U.S. television network to broadcast The Suicide Tourist. As you probably know, this documentary follows my father's decision to access assisted suicide in Switzerland after contracting an incurable disease.

The film will be edited to focus only on my father, and not upon the other couple in the original version of the documentary.

This night has been three years in the making. If you decide to watch, please, feel free to contact me with any questions it may bring up for you and yours.

Best,
Ivan

Moving iTunes between computers. Also, GADOFI? Weird.

2010-01-07T17:44:14Z

It's finally time to shut down the old desktop. I moved over my music libraries, but of course, that doesn't move playlists, ratings, etc.

Found this article at Apple and am planning to implement it today. If you know of any reason not to do so - bearing in mind my technical capacity, which is about that of an inebriated hedgehog; and my ability to follow instructions, which is about that of a German Automaton Designed Only for Following Instructions, please let me know ASAP. Thanks!

January 26, Please Set Calendars.

2009-12-30T19:54:21Z

We have just learned that Frontline is scheduled to broadcast a one-hour version of The Suicide Tourist to U.S. media on January 26, 2010.

I will be keeping people informed, but please, please. If you have a chance to watch it, if you have a chance to see the final message from my father ... it would mean the world to me to know that people had seen it and understood it.

Keep your fingers crossed that nothing goes south.

ivan23 @ 2009-12-26T15:54:00

2009-12-26T21:54:33Z

Okay all, for serious, I've been awake since 2:30 this morning and have shovelled the walk and driveway every hour since 7, and it's just a losing battle. The snow is light and powdery and neat, but it's coming down so fast there's no keeping up with it. I've got a wall of snow up to my navel against one side of the driveway, and while said navel isn't as taut as it used to be it's not exactly dangling at knee level, either.

Not yet, anyway.

Been writing while not shoveling, which has been good. I forgot how much poetry I had tucked into notebooks and such, and it's a good day to go through and collect it.

I hope your holidays were merry and bright. Miss you all.

Be Well.

2009-11-26T14:19:40Z

Happy Thanksgiving, my fellow Murricans.

I'm thankful for all the wonderful people I've met online. If not for mgrassso and melcocha I wouldn't know half the people I count as friends today, and therefore I'm especially thankful for them.

I wish you all the best of life, all the joy, peace, wisdom and love you can possibly know in your lives. Be well, be kind, be excellent to each other.

And with that sentiment, I'm off to pwn noobs in Castle Age.

Man, fuck cancer indeed.

2009-11-13T14:21:52Z

Woke up to learn that a college friend lost her fight with breast cancer yesterday. Kris was a party in sunshine and the sweetest voice of evening. We never stayed in touch after school, but man, it's sad to know she's gone for now.

I still don't know if I'm right, my father was right, my in-laws are right or anyone's right about what comes next; and I'm okay with that uncertainty. I'll keep hoping that I'll get to see Kris again the next time we ride these rails, but if not, well, I'll keep her memory.

Memento mori, darling. Sing and sing again.

ivan23 @ 2009-11-05T12:51:00

2009-11-05T18:52:36Z

God bless Dragon Age. Attention game publishers: putting a free Flash game on your site which gives me an idea of what I'm in for for your full-fledged game is a great idea. Making the rewarsd carry over into the full game is an equally great idea. And making the flash game contain more than an hour's content? Just beauty, guys, well done.

Diet, Exercise, and the Whole Ball of Gouda

2009-11-02T18:07:31Z

Well! Y'all have decided me rather nicely.

For all practical intents and purposes, I burned out on my healthy lifestyle in June of 2009. I'm pretty happy that I kept it going as long as I did - but by June I was just dead in the water. Getting up in the morning to go to the gym was getting exhausting, holding myself to decent food choices was taking too much time, and the liquor cabinet seemed to be refilling itself on close to a weekly basis.

I came in this morning with lunch pre-packed and my old M&F magazines ready to review, and what do I see but that several friends are having the same kinds of thoughts running through their heads about their own physical frame of reference. This is awesome in my opinion. The zeitgeist is good, the stars are right.

I should mention that this is not, for me, a question of social acceptance. The people of the fat acceptance community have found what works for them and I'm glad for them, but I was personally a whole lot happier when I was living a lifestyle that involved physical exertion and dietary restrictions.

This is an open invitation: If you would like to follow along with diet and exercise information and experiences, comment here and you'll be put on a specific filter. I'll be posting to it daily, even if it's just a listing of foods and exercises.

#566; Supernatural Collective Nouns.

2009-10-30T15:53:04Z

http://wondermark.com/566/

A Chimney of Djinns.
A Storm of Ifrit.

I LOVE THIS MORE THAN I CAN SAY. I am saddened I didn't think of it first.

Edit: I see that mgrasso and emilytheslayer beat me to this. I apologize for that, but it was unavoidable, BECAUSE I AM WORKING HARD IN THE MORNINGS INSTEAD OF SURFING COMICS THIS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICAN INDUSTRY.

ivan23 @ 2009-10-29T11:08:00

2009-10-29T16:09:39Z

Note to self: Don't watch Harold and Maude any more. It hops you up on unattainable dreams.

Go Team Ewert!

2009-10-22T19:28:01Z

I just got the phone call from across the pond. As of today, my mother is to be known as Dr. Mary Ewert - she's received her PhD in Law, specializing in gender and sexuality issues!

She achieved this feat despite enduring a lengthy separation from her family and friends, the long illness and eventual death of her husband, the strain of filming and touring internationally in support of The Suicide Tourist, the long illness and eventual death of the woman who raised her, continual work stateside on behalf of women's reproductive rights, and more than five changes of address in as many years.

I couldn't be prouder of my family; and today, mom, I couldn't be prouder of you. You've always been a star, and today, you shine more brightly than anything.

EDIT: NEVER MIND

2009-10-21T16:27:19Z

Thanks for the well wishing. I have decided against the purchase at this time.

September 24

2009-09-24T13:49:28Z

I'm aware that this comes at a sensitive time for many of my Livejournal friends, so please, feel free to skip if need be.

He suffered from ALS, or Lou Gehrig's Disease. He was wheelchair-bound and could no longer bathe or feed himself, no longer stand for more than a few minutes. There was no guarantee of how long he would live, how much further he might deteriorate, or whether he might go into spontaneous remission.

He weighed the odds, considered the entire situation, and chose to access assisted suicide through the Swiss organization Dignitas. He did not make this decision lightly, nor was he pressured to do so at any point by family or friends. He and my mother kept most of the decision-making process to themselves, turning to myself and my sister only when they knew that they were both in favor of the proposition.

We both agreed that if this was, in fact, what he wanted; that we would support him in every way possible.

I didn't see him alive again in person. I'd been up a few months earlier, when I'm sure they were already discussing their options. They may have tried to tell me then. I don't think I was listening very well, preferring to cling to the comfortable illusion that remission occurs, that people do get better.

We saw Hadrian's Wall together, and gave a curse to the English for our ancestors' pride. We ate curry and drank beer, walked through downtown Harrogate and talked a good long time. I didn't expect him to die when I left Scotland that day.

We talked every day after the decision was made, using Skype's video chat feature, for which I give many, many thanks. Much of what we said was common - what was happening in our lives, good jokes we'd heard, the sad state of politics. There was a great deal of love expressed on all sides, assuring each other that there was nothing more to say other than the love we shared.

The date was set in early September, in the season of things passing. The documentary crew of The Suicide Tourist made contact and arranged, with not only his consent but his eagerness to tell a story that could one day allow others to make the same decision he now made in a more easily accessible manner. We continued to talk throughout, until the day before he travelled to Switzerland, and to his inevitable end.

I remember waking up early and calling the office, telling them that he was unwell and unlikely to recover. After that it was a short period of waiting for the phone call from my mother - that he was gone, and that it was peaceful, and that she had not been arrested, and that things were as well as they were likely to be for a while.

I lay down and cried a while in my wife's arms, and then - because eventually, you must - rose and went to breakfast. Life goes on all around us, and has done so for the past three years.

Have things changed in those three years? Not overmuch. I understand more of his advice and his lectures now, whether that's because I've seen more life or worked to remove some of the beams from my eyes. I miss him fiercely, maybe moreso than I did in those first few numb days. I see him and hear from him now and again, in dreams; or in random strings of songs on the iPod which comfort me in thinking he's saying hello.

I remain grateful to Dignitas and the Swiss government for supporting the individual's right to live and to die, to John Zaritsky and Point Grey Pictures for their kind and dignified treatment of my family, and to my mother, who is more than a rock, but the entire world in terms of her emotional strength and sense of character.

I love my father, Craig Colby Ewert. And I'm glad he's not in pain any longer.

ivan23 @ 2009-09-15T13:30:00

2009-09-15T18:32:02Z

Addendum: Quick research reveals that the length of time of an average first-time skydive should allow me to listen to all of Miss Alex White and the Red Orchestra's "Space and Time" at a volume normally reserved for shock therapy.

Native soul

2009-09-15T18:24:20Z

Does anything soothe in the manner of music, does anything mean as much as the chants which travel across this slipshod time and space to last with the length of memory? And will that music be there at your end of all time, a single song perfectly preserved; and whence will it come? Your childhood lullaby, your first kiss, the moment your heart first repaired itself again?

O, meadowlark sunrise. Yon sound is fading away.

ivan23 @ 2009-09-15T12:26:00

2009-09-15T17:30:29Z

A double cheeseburger, dripping with sweat and the oils of American cheese, papyrus bun falling to ribbons in your hands. Fried potatoes hauled anchor-like from steel lobstertraps, a styrofoam cup pouring over with the dark liquid of childhood sugar-vows. Chocolate imported from the deep forests of Poland, brought by hand by a barely-known coworker.

The stomach quails, then rebels. Dark dreams roil by the sea.

ivan23 @ 2009-09-15T11:49:00

2009-09-15T16:55:24Z

Picture the lake, placid among the willows; picture the sky lined with clouds. Both are fragile yet eternal, now disturbed and now becalmed, but everlasting by the reckoning of man's brief glimpses. Sit beneath their gentle care and bring your breath to mimic the rhythm that beats at the centre of all things, make of yourself a pilgrim on the shores of gentle sleep.