through the darkness of future past, the magician longs to see

Fic: The Three Weddings of Rachel Green (Joey/Rachel, Ross Geller, Monica Geller)

2016-03-31T21:07:02Z

Title: The Three Weddings of Rachel Green
Rating: PG
Summary: She made her way to the restroom and leaned heavily against the sink. She took a deep breath and looked at herself. Why are you doing this? Who are you doing this for?
Disclaimer: I do not own Friends. Otherwise I would be obscenely rich.
Author's Note: This could possibly be thought of as following The Heart Where I Have Roots and And You're the Only One Who Knows, but they're not necessary reading for this. Unless you want to, of course.

She made her way to the restroom and leaned heavily against the sink. She took a deep breath and looked at herself. Why are you doing this? Who are you doing this for?

"Aren't you scared?" | "Terrified."

2015-01-26T03:32:12Z

Okay, first there's this:

I've been wanting to sort of re-do my old Joey/Rachel fanmix for some time now, and I finally got around to doing it. So yay for that. And speaking of things I finally got around to doing: I also made some icons. I said I would, and I did. Another thing I've been meaning and wanting to do for a long time. Considering it's been a long while, I'm pretty satisfied with how they came out.

more here @ inthe_sunshine
Enjoy! ♥

"I think it's brave to try to be happy."

2015-01-01T23:05:30Z

Great
Good
Okay
Bad
Awful

Movies
→ 100 Movies in 2015

January
001. Octopussy ½
002. Labyrinth * ½

February
003. About Time
004. Breakfast at Tiffany's * ½

March
005. Rope
006. The Grand Budapest Hotel

April
007. The Ghost and Mrs. Muir
008. A View to a Kill ½
009. The Lion in Winter

May
010. Jupiter Ascending ½

June
011. The Living Daylights ½
012. Edge of Tomorrow

July
012. License to Kill
013. The Book of Life ½

August
014. Big Hero 6

September
015. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

November
016. The Thin Man *

December
017. Star Wars: The Force Awakens ½

*rewatch

Books
→ 25 Books in 2014

January
001. Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut ½

May
002. To Beguile a Beast by Elizabeth Hoyt ½

July
003. The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater ½
004. The Dream Thieves by Maggie Stiefvater

August
005. Blue Lily, Lily Blue by Maggie Stiefvater ½
006. Books Can Be Deceiving by Jenn McKinlay ½

October
007. A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore ½

November
008. Welcome to Night Vale: A Novel by Joseph Fink and Jeffory Cranor
009. The Thin Man by Dashiell Hammett

December
010. The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket
011. Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits by David Wong
012. How to Fight Presidents by Daniel O'Brien
013. The Reptile Room by Lemony Snicket ½

*re-read

Television
♥ Favorites
001. Doctor Who, 8.05, "Time Heist" ♥♥♥
002. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine ♥♥♥♥
003. Twin Peaks ♥♥♥

Layouts

January 1 - present

Default Icons

1/01/15	3/21/15	6/9/15
by bwf_icons	by coloryourdreams	by blanksquares

11/14/15

by isis2015

"Congratulations. That's quite a waste of time."

2014-07-20T23:33:32Z

So, yeah. I've been making fanmixes.

Quite a few. I haven't posted links to them here in quite a while, and in the interest of consolidation, here they all are at once. You will notice some familiar choices, because I am, if nothing, a completely predictable human being. The Frasier one might be a little unusual, but I just rewatched the series a few weeks ago and couldn't help myself.

Enjoy! :)

"Godspeed, my lonely angel."

2014-02-04T01:36:42Z

Can you tell I'm not in school anymore? ;)

I made another one. I've been actively creating more fandom stuff in the last two months than I did in the past two years. That's both really nice and really sad. Anyway, I know that very few of you actually care about Doctor Who, and those of you that do likely don't care about this ship, but eh. This is me. I ship ships that nobody ships.

"I don't know love. I was built to protect, not to love. So there's no use for me other than this."

2014-01-22T03:59:50Z

So I made another fanmix. Which is two more than I made last year and the year before. :D Honestly, I'm glad to have my mojo back, because I forgot how fun making these could be. Hope you like it! ♥

"It took me a really long time to get here. But I'm here. Carrie, you're the one."

2014-01-06T01:47:25Z

So. I made a fanmix. My first since, apparently, 2011. Yeesh. Um, I have not been active in fandom, any fandom, for a very long time, and thought I doubt anyone on my flist is in this one (if there is a SatC fandom), I figured I'd share, because I've had this one in mind for a long time and finally managed to get it together.

I really hope this is the beginning of a trend, because I'd really like to get back into making fanmixes and icons and maybe even doing some writing. I may not have a major fandom these days, but it doesn't mean I can't dabble here and there. This seems like a good first step in that direction. :)

"Grip tight. Hum. Laugh. Cry. Forget nothing and think many things of it."

2014-01-01T21:47:09Z

Great
Good
Okay
Bad
Awful

Movies
→ 100 Movies in 2014

January
001. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
002. The X-Files: I Want To Believe
003. Moon
004. Predator
005. The Fifth Element * ½
006. The Producers
007. 2001: A Space Odyssey *
008. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory * ½
009. Twister *
010. Behind the Candelabra ½
011. Diamonds Are Forever
012. The Simpsons Movie *
013. Grease *
014. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid ½

February
015. Live and Let Die ½
016. Anastasia *
017. You've Got Mail * ½
018. Laws of Attraction
019. The Monuments Men
020. Last Chance Harvey ½
021. The Wedding Singer *
022. The Man With the Golden Gun
023. Galaxy Quest *

March
024. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World *
025. Lost in Translation *
026. Her
027. The Spy Who Loved Me

April
028. Only Lovers Left Alive ½
029. Moonraker

May
030. Star Trek: The Motion Picture
031. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan * ½
032. Star Trek III: The Search For Spock ½

June
033. For Your Eyes Only ½
034. Runaway Bride *
035. The Mummy * ½
036. The Mummy Returns *
037. Pacific Rim * ½

July
038. Arthur
039. Star Wars: A New Hope *
040. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back * ½
041. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi * ½
042. La Belle et la Bête ½
043. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey *

August
044. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug ½
045. The Lego Movie

September
046. The Sound of Music *

October
047. The Wedding Planner *
048. The Nightmare Before Christmas * ½
049. Beetlejuice * ½
050. I Know That Voice

November
051. Red 2 ½
052. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring * ½
053. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers *

December
054. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King *
055. Star Trek: The Voyage Home ½
056. Going Postal *
057. The Holiday *
058. While You Were Sleeping *
059. Guardians of the Galaxy ½
060. Alien vs. Predator * ½

*rewatch

Books
→ 25 Books in 2014

February
001. Buried in the Sky by Peter Zuckerman and Amanda Padoan ½

March
002. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

May
003. John Dies at the End by David Wong
004. This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude Don't Touch It by David Wong

June
005. The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett ½
006. Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh ½
007. A Hat Full of Sky by Terry Pratchett

July
008. Raising Steam by Terry Pratchett ½
009. Wintersmith by Terry Pratchett

August
010. Deathless by Catherynne M. Valente

November
011. The Courtship of Princess Leia by Dave Wolverton
012. 2001: A Space Odyssey by Arthur C. Clarke
013. Naked in Death by J.D. Robb

December
014. Sex and the City by Candice Bushnell ½

*re-read

Television
♥ Favorites
001. Xena: Warrior Princess, 3.13, "One Against An Army" ♥♥♥
002. Star Trek: The Original Series, 1.25, "The Devil in the Dark" ♥♥♥
003. Justified, Season Two ♥♥♥♥

Layouts

January 1 - present

Default Icons

1/01/14	4/19/14	7/20/14
by marylou_gr	by suzyx	by dreon

10/21/14	12/2/14
by letsey_x	by cecism

--

2013-12-26T01:45:07Z

Oh Night Vale. The highlight of my twice a month.

But really, to those who celebrate Christmas, I hope you guys have had or are having a great holiday. To those who don't, I still hope you're having a great life in general.

Love you guys. ♥

"Lucy, you are born into a family. You do not join them like you do the Marines."

2013-12-07T04:31:33Z

holiday love meme 2013
my thread here

School related update: 2 finals down. 1 to go. I made an appointment to get my hair and make up done, so it looks like this graduation is really a think that's happening.

"You can do whatever you want. You just have to know what that is."

2013-11-06T06:39:46Z

Putting this here as a reminder to myself more than anything else.

I'm so over me. Over feeling sorry for myself, of trapping myself in this cycle of mental bullshit so that I don't have to admit to myself I can leave anytime I want to -- I'm just not brave enough to try. Well, that ends now. I have been there, I have done that. I'm tired of that. I am the only thing standing in my way, and I'm done. I'm gonna do my work. I'm gonna graduate college. I'm gonna live my life.

I want to be happy. So I will be. I will work hard to be. I am promising myself that right here and now.

--

2013-08-05T08:35:11Z

I know it's the middle of the night, but I don't plan on turning on the computer tomorrow, so I'm posting now. I'm off for California and Disneyland and the beach and a welcomed break from this heat and, frankly, my life. I got all of my math done (thank God) so I'll be able to really take it easy (and come back just in time for my final, but I'm not gonna think about that now). I'll miss the cats - and of course you guys - but I really need this break.

See you later! ♥

ETA: Okay, I lied. I turned my computer on to charge my iPod and downloaded a whole lot of Welcome to Night Vale so I can see what everyone's talking about. ;)

--

2013-06-20T05:05:12Z

Well, the day has finally arrived. Or, will have arrived tomorrow. I'm leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow morning, so I thought I'd drop in for a quick post tonight to let you all know I'm leaving. Wish me luck. Love you guys. See you Sunday. ♥

"I don't wish to appear selfish, but drop whatever you're doing and focus on me."

2013-03-03T06:04:23Z

I LOVE AMANDA BECAUSE...

It's been a less than thrilling week or so, so why not indulge myself shamelessly?

"But there would be a morning. There would always be another morning."

2013-01-01T08:33:23Z

Great
Good
Okay
Bad
Awful

Movies
→ 100 Movies in 2013

January
001. You've Got Mail *
002. The Simpsons Movie *
003. Twister *
004. Labyrinth * ½
005. The Fifth Element * ½
006. Romeo + Juliet * ½
007. Stranger Than Fiction

February
008. Annie Hall
009. Clue
010. Blade Runner ½
011. Red ½
012. Skyfall
013. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi * ½
014. The Darjeeling Limited ½
015. Constantine

March
016. The Brothers Bloom ½
017. Tangled *
018. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead *
019. Breakfast at Tiffany's * ½
020. Manhattan ½
021. Heat
022. Stardust ½

April
023. Monty Python and the Holy Grail ½
024. Seeking a Friend For the End of the World
025. Zoolander *
026. Alien vs. Predator * ½
027. Howl's Moving Castle ½
028. In the Mood for Love
029. Lost in Translation ½
030. Vicky Cristina Barcelona
031. Thunderball
032. National Treasure
033. National Treasure: Book of Secrets
034. Victor Victoria *
035. Moonrise Kingdom

May
036. Reservoir Dogs ½
037. In Bruges
038. Hot Fuzz
039. Jiro Dreams of Sushi ½
040. Runaway Bride * ½
041. The Thin Man Goes Home ½
042. The Shining
043. Shadow of the Thin Man
044. Song of the Thin Man ½
045. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring *

June
046. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers *
047. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King *
048. Spirited Away
049. The Mummy Returns *
050. The Mummy * ½
051. Monsters Inc. * ½

July
052. Empire Records *
053. Monty Python's Life of Brian

August
054. Entrapment * ½
055. The Matrix *
056. Jurassic Park * ½
057. Hercules *

September
058. Finding Nemo *
059. Anastasia *
060. The Nightmare Before Christmas *
061. The Godfather: Part II ½
062. The Rape of Europa ½
063. Red Planet *

October
064. You Only Live Twice ½
065. Vertigo ½
066. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory * ½
067. The Addams Family

November
068. Kiki's Delivery Service
069. The World's End ½
070. The Lake House
071. Star Wars: A New Hope * ½
072. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back *
073. Going Postal
074. This Is It

December
075. While You Were Sleeping *
076. Pacific Rim
077. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade *
078. Airplane ½
079. The Holiday * ½

*rewatch

Books
→ 25 Books in 2013

January
001. Pyramids by Terry Pratchett
002. Witches Abroad by Terry Pratchett
003. Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman ½
004. The Seventh Sinner by Elizabeth Peters

February
005. Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett
006. The Copenhagen Connection by Elizabeth Peters ½
007. Maskerade by Terry Pratchett
008. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins ½
009. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick

March
010. The Gunslinger by Stephen King
011. Small Gods by Terry Pratchett
012. Jingo by Terry Pratchett
013. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

April
014. Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett ½
015. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

May
016. The Fifth Elephant by Terry Pratchett ½
017. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut ½
018. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green ½
019. Storm Front by Jim Butcher

June
020. Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett ½
021. Night Watch by Terry Pratchett
022. The Last Hero by Terry Pratchett
023. The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster * ½
024. Thud! by Terry Pratchett ½

July
025. Fool Moon by Jim Butcher
026. Crocodile on the Sandbank by Elizabeth Peters ½

August
027. Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett *

September
028. Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett
029. The Monuments Men by Robert M. Edsel
030. The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman ½

October
031. Snuff by Terry Pratchett ½

November
032. Rendezvous With Rama by Arthur C. Clarke
033. Moving Pictures by Terry Pratchett
034. Saints Behaving Badly by Thomas J. Craughwell
035. The Curse of the Pharaohs by Elizabeth Peters

*re-read

Television
♥ Favorites
001. Elementary, 1.12, "M." ♥♥♥
002. Adventure Time, 4.07, "Princess Cookie" ♥♥♥♥
003. Hannibal, Season One ♥♥♥♥
004. The Lone Gunmen ♥♥♥

Layouts

January 1 - present

Default Icons

1/01/13	3/12/13	4/22/13
by underworld	by nadya149	by absofruitly

8/31/13	12/01/13
by dallowayward	by cecism

"I don't wish to appear selfish, but drop whatever you're doing and focus on me."

2012-12-08T18:03:31Z

holiday love meme 2012
my thread here

♥

Back from the optometrist and I can't see anything. I can't wait until these drops wear off because it's incredibly distracting. Which...has nothing to do with the holidays or this meme, it's just on my mind because I'm having a hard time seeing what I'm typing.

"Lucy, you are born into a family. You do not join them like you do the Marines."

2012-12-01T22:02:34Z

First of all, wow the new update page was frightening. Not expecting that. Switched it back immediately. Second, this:

While You Were Sleeping Animated Moodtheme


Angry	Creative	Disappointed	Flirty


Jubilant	Loved	Optimistic	Uncomfortable

download here @ inthe_sunshine

I guess you could say this has probably been coming for a long time. Given how much I love this movie, it was probably only a matter of time. But the upcoming Christmas gave me the perfect excuse to give it a try, and I really wanted to get it done by the first so I'm so pleased that I managed. I really hope you guys like it, because I'm pretty proud of how it turned out. ♥ Enjoy!

"I just thought my world would be a better place if you were in it."

2012-08-12T07:34:36Z

♥ LOVE MEME ♥
My Thread
I can never resist a love meme. ♥

Also, whatever problem I'm having with LJ right now seems to be Firefox's fault because in IE it works more or less how it should. But IE is miserable to use so...*shrug* I guess I'll have to wait until I can get more info because from my Googling, it seems like there are other people having this problem too. It fixed itself! \o/ Hallelujah!

"Maybe we could be each other's soulmates."

2012-08-11T22:46:54Z

So I did this. Y-eah, I don't know. I just felt like it, I guess. Follow if you'd like, I'll try to update it regularly (starting in the next couple of days). I've never run a fandom Tumblr before so I really don't know how to promote this kind of thing, but I've run a lot of fandom livejournal communities so...it can't be that much different.

Also, is anyone else's "post an entry" page all screwed up? I can't preview my posts and the clock is all wrong. :S

Fic: And You're the Only One Who Knows (Joey/Rachel)

2012-08-11T06:27:02Z

Title: And You're the Only One Who Knows
Rating: PG
Summary: Seeing Joey, in some way, always feels like going home. Despite her quirks, she had loved living with Monica, but there was something about Joey's imperfect mess of an apartment that had made her feel warm and welcomed and...home. That's what Joey always feels like to her.
Disclaimer: I do not own Friends. At all. I wish but alas...
Author's Note: This is the first fic I've written in six months and the, like, third fic I've written all year, so bear with me if I'm a little rusty. I guess you could consider this a follow up to The Heart Where I Have Roots but you don't need to read that to read this. But if you want to, I'm not gonna stop you. ;)

Rachel lets out a deep sigh as she leaves her interview with Gucci. She had done her very best to sell herself, her experience, but the Paris opportunity she passed on had come up (again) and that had deflated her enthusiasm a great deal. She wants this job – it's for a wonderful company, has great pay, and it's the first time since that opportunity that she feels like she could once again do work that matters to her rather than the same old same old she had done for years. She feels like she had finally been moving forward only to have her mistake placed right back in front of her.

Now she doesn't know where she stands. She thinks the interviewer had liked her (but the more prominent a company the harder their higher-ups are to read) but she doesn't know how the Paris situation will play out. It has been a factor in a few other jobs she has applied for. Will it make them think she had a commitment problem? Will they choose to pass on her because of it? And how could she have very well explained herself? "I gambled my career on an already strained relationship that was not what I remembered and ended up being more painful to end than it had been any time before and now we’re both so exhausted and heartbroken that we can barely look at each other when we exchange our daughter every week". She could barely even think about it without bursting into tears. And crying in a job interview never works. Speeding tickets, though. That's another story.

What she really wants is a cup of coffee. She hasn't actually sat down in a coffee shop in such a long time. Without thinking, her feet steer her toward Central Perk. She stands in front of the doors of the sight of so many of the important moments of her life. Her first job in the city. The place where she had met her friends. Where her new life had begun. She hasn't been here in almost a year. They haven't been here all together in longer. She pauses with her hand on the door. She almost doesn't want to walk through and see the empty couch.

But she breathes deeply and walks inside and sure enough the couch isn't empty at all. There are people she's never seen before in her life on it, chatting with their coffee and appearing not to have a care in the world. She sighs fondly and sadly. They look young. They look fresh. They look like they had no idea they were living some of the best moments of their lives right now.

She walks up to the counter and set down her purse. "Can I get a coffee to go, please?" she asks the man behind the counter who is not Gunther. She saw Gunther in Central Park a few months ago. He had the same hair, but a deeper tan and what appeared to be a girlfriend and a dog. He had looked happy. In all the time she'd seen him in the coffee house, and worked with him there, he'd never really looked happy. She had felt so glad for him. He's a good person. He deserves that.

"Rach?"

She smiles, turns, and there he is. Same warm smile, same everything. Same Joey. Except, his hair had gone a bit grey. But it suits him. It gives him a bit more...something. She walks to meet him and he envelopes her in his arms. It's been a little while since they've seen each other. A few months, in fact. After she had moved out of his place he had helped her move in to her new apartment, babysat Emma a few times when she went on job interviews. But then he got a big part on General Hospital and had less free time. And she had found a job back at Bloomingdales and her time had become split between that and her daughter.

In fact, they are all finding it hard to get together. Things have frayed between her and Ross to the point where they barely speak. Maybe they will get better over time, but she fears that history is not on their side. They can never be friends as they were and they can never be together as they were. So what are they now? Parents, she supposes, and that’s it. Mom there, Dad there. Just like her. She hadn't wanted that for Emma, but there's no other way.

She pushes her feelings down inside of her and offers Joey a smile. It's so good to see him. Seeing Joey, in some way, always feels like going home. Despite her quirks, she had loved living with Monica, but there was something about Joey's imperfect mess of an apartment that had made her feel warm and welcomed and...home. That's what Joey always feels like to her.

"How've you been?" he asks, brightly.

"I've been alright," she answers, patting him on the chest. "How about you Dr. Cab Taylor, you big TV star!"

He smiles. "Oh come on, Rach, it's not as big a part as Dr. Drake."

"Please, it's a better part than Drake. I still watch every day." And she does. Not just because of her surviving love of soap operas, but it's the way that she can see Joey. Even if he's pretending to be a spinal surgeon, his voice comes out of the television screen and it's like he's there with her. Emma sometimes hears him and comes running. She doesn't really understand what's going on but she likes seeing Joey. And so does Rachel.

"So, I saw you ordered a coffee. You heading out?"

She turns around and looks at her coffee to-go sitting on the counter. She blinks at it a few times before picking it up and turning around. "I guess I can stay for a while,” she says. Joey smiles and they turn around to find that the group of twenty-somethings have vacated the couch. It looks so empty now. Sad but familiar. She looks at Joey and she knows he feels it too.

"For old times’ sake?" he suggests. She smiles, walking around and sitting in the same seat she has sat in a thousand times, feeling like a completely different person. Joey sits down next to her and lets out a sigh.

"Wow," he says, with a kind of wonder.

"I know."

She looks over at him and notices he's holding something. "I think this is my watch," he muses. Rachel looks down at the coach cushions that Joey had been rooting through. All these years later and his watch is still in there. What are the odds.

She starts to laugh. Only Joey could take a moment this depressing and bring her right back. She needs this. She needs this badly. "I wonder if any more of my stuff is down here," he says and Rachel sets down her coffee and pulls back the cushions, going on a mini treasure hunt with him.

It's the most fun she's had in a long time.

*

She knocks rapidly on the door. Open, open, open she insists every time her knuckles connect with wood. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," she hears from the other side of the door. She can’t help but smile. "Rach?" Joey rubs his eyes and finishes tying his robe. "What’re you doing here so early?"

"Joey, it's eleven thirty,” she tells him. Some things never change; Joey has always been a late sleeper. She remembers many times hearing a loud curse come from his room before he had bolted out his door and then out of the apartment with his backpack in his hand hoping he could make it to the audition he was late for. More often than not he couldn't, but you had to give him that at least he had tried.

"What's going on?" he asks, ushering her inside, blearily tying his robe.

"I got it!"

"Got what?"

"The job at Gucci! I got it!"

"Oh my God, Rach. That's amazing." His smile is so genuine, so happy, that it makes her even happier. She had felt that way when she found out he had got the part on General Hospital. She wishes she could have been able to share that moment with him, but she's so grateful that he's here to share this moment with her.

He pulls her into a close hug that feels so warm and familiar. It feels like a lifetime ago but memory after memory come flooding back to her. She remembers this apartment, the apartment next door. How the best times of her life had been spent between these walls.

"I know, I can't believe it!" And a part of her really can't. But more than anything she feels gratified that she's finally getting back to where she used to be. Step by step, little by little. All she really hopes for now is to, one day, feel like herself again.

"Well, I can," Joey replies. "Come on, Rach, this is what you were meant to do. You know that."

"Yeah, but-"

"No buts, okay? It's like...when I was doing all of those crappy plays, then I got Days of Our Lives. Then I opened my big mouth and got killed off Days of Our Lives and I had to go back to doing crappy plays. Then I left to go to LA and that didn't work and I came back and now I'm on General Hospital." Rachel smiles. She gets the point Joey's making, but sometimes he just likes to talk about the good things he got to do with his career. She doesn't blame him. He did have to do a lot of crap before he got his dream. "The point is, I didn't give up. So when I got what I wanted, I knew I deserved it. And so do you. You always have."

"Thank you, Joey," she says. He pulls her into another hug and she closes her eyes. She wants to freeze this moment, when everything feels right after being so wrong for such a long time. "Oh!" He exclaims right in her ear and she flinches. "I know what we can do to celebrate!"

Suddenly he's rushing across the room and searching through the pocket of his jacket. That actually sounds good. A nice dinner, or drinks, maybe a show. It's been so long since she's seen something on Broadway. "Okay, sure," she agrees, happily. "What?"

Joey pulls something out of his pocket and holds it up so that she can see. "Knicks tickets!" he says, fanning them out and shaking them. The smile on his face is so big, so excited, so happy that she can't help but be moved. To Joey, there is no more ultimate celebration than going to see the Knicks play.

"Sounds great," she says, surprising herself with her own genuine enthusiasm. She's not going to have any idea what's going on, but she doesn't care. Joey will be there, and that's what she wants to most right now.

*

"Come on, Rach, why do I need a new couch? What's wrong with my old couch?"

"You mean besides the fact that it smells like stale pizza and not one but two birds, is brown when it used to be yellow, and has one leg that is now a stack of books?"

"Yeah," he answers, defiantly. Apparently Joey is still bad with change. Especially when it comes to his furniture. The only reason that he's even here is because she had forced him. She can't stand sitting on that couch anymore. "And you wouldn't even know that couch was yellow if you hadn't lived there!"

She gives him a look before shaking her head and moving on. "How about this one," she suggests. Joey stands next to her and gives her a look right back.

"I already have a brown couch," he replies, petulantly.

She rolls her eyes. "Fine," she says, then thinks back to the chair she had bought that they ended up having to share. Leather, she thinks. He'll like that. So she goes in search of a leather couch. But she had to pick one that was right for Joey's place, not something that looked like it belonged in those New York lofts you see in movies where everything is black and chrome with floor to ceiling windows.

"Ooo, what about this one!" she calls to him, finding one that looked right a ways away from the brown coach. She sits down as he approaches her, holding her arms out and smiling at her find. Joey looks at her, then the couch, then her in that way that he does when he doesn't want to admit that she's right. "Oh, come on, sit." She says, reaching for his hand and pulling him down next to her.

She looks at him and waits. Joey is stubborn but eventually he comes around. "I guess it's alright," he replies. She smiles. He looks over at her and leans his head back. "Do I really have to get rid of the couch?"

"Joey, that couch is growing things," she answers.

"Yeah, I know, but..."

He stops, then looks a bit past her. She recognizes that look. She's given herself that look in the mirror. Somehow, it's even more upsetting seeing it on Joey's face. "But what, sweetie?" she asks, reaching out and touching his cheek. He looks back at her and then sighs.

"It's just...we had to take apart the foosball table when Monica and Chandler moved. Then my bed broke. Then Stevie died. It's just..." He shakes his head. "That couch is the last thing Chandler and I bought together. If I get rid of it, it's like admitting that part of my life is really over, you know?"

Rachel smiles sadly. "I know," she answers, because she does. "But, Joey, Chandler is always gonna be your best friend. He'll always be in your life. You don't need to keep his stuff when you have him."

"Do I?"

"Joey, come on, of course you do. Just because he doesn't live in the next room? Or across the hall?" She shakes her head. "Things have changed, a lot, but not that much. Your couch is not Chandler. Neither was the foosball table or the TV. And certainly not your bed."

"But things are never gonna be like they were, are they?"

He sighs and lays back against the couch. After a few moments of thought she can't help but do the same. She stares off into the distance and tries to find the will to lie; to herself and to Joey. She wants to close her eyes and pretend that this is the couch in the coffee house, and that they're all together again, laughing and having a good time.

A sadness settles on both of them, the kind of sadness that comes from knowing that a part of your life has passed you by. Probably the best part.

"Let's get the couch," Joey says. Rachel closes her eyes and pretends.

*

Walking through the front door of Joey's apartment, Rachel finds that she still doesn't know what to say. She hadn't known exiting the church, she hadn't known the whole cab ride back here, and she doesn't know now. It does give her a bit of comfort, however, to note that Joey doesn't seem to know what to say either.

"Um," is all he manages after a few moments. Rachel sits down in the chair she bought all those years ago and looks at him. She opens her mouth but there's still nothing. He shakes his head a few times. "I'm sorry?"

"No, no, there's nothing to be sorry for Joey, come on," she says, shaking her head. She stands up and walks over to the counter where he is standing.

"I didn't tell them that or anything, you know that right?"

"Of course."

They had just come from the christening of yet another Tribbiani. Joey's third youngest sister'd had a new baby boy and he had invited Rachel to come along in an effort to give her some company, as Ross had Emma and she had been feeling lonely. It had been a beautiful service, but things turned awkward for the both of them when they had gone to a family gathering afterward and Joey's entire family had assumed that they were dating. And they had both found themselves unable to summon up the courage to correct them.

"Do we...do we have to talk about this?" Rachel asks.

Joey stammers a bit the replies, "Is there anything to talk about?"

This somehow feels more awkward than being peppered with questions about how long they've been together and how serious they are from Joey's entire (huge) family. They had brushed it off as politely as possible at the time, but now...Rachel can't help but feel like there's something hanging in the air between them. She doesn't know what it is, but it's...something.

"I guess not," she says, unsurely. "It's just...we used to hang out every day and no one ever thought that about us before."

"Well, technically we did date for, like, a week," Joey points out, but she thinks it's more to avoid the topic at hand than anything. The truth is, they hardly ever talk about that. A lot had changed between them when Joey had fallen in love with her. After something like that, it could never truly be the way it was before. She lives with that every day. She doesn't want to hurt him any more by bringing it up.

"Joey." He sighs and walks past her into the living room. She stands by the counter looking at the door. She turns around to face him. "What are we doing?"

"We're friends, Rach," he answers. "Like we've always been."

Rachel nods a few times. That makes sense. Except... "Joey, what if we had tried harder?"

"What do you mean?"

She knows it's an unfair question, that maybe she's crossing a line that she can't go back over, but she suddenly has to ask. She suddenly has to know. "Do you ever think about what it would have been like...if you and I had actually...been something? If we could have...if we'd..." She sighs. "Do you think about it?"

The silence comes rushing back in as Joey tries to figure out what to say. "Rachel..."

She takes a few steps closer to him. "Please," she says. She doesn't know why, but she needs to know.

He sighs. "Of course I do, Rach," he answers.

As much as she had wanted the answer, when she hears it she feels all of the breath go out of her. She doesn't know quite why, but that something that's been hanging in the air, she thinks this might be it.

"Do you?"

The question takes her by surprise. But not nearly as much as her answer. "Yes."

So, what does that mean? Rachel doesn't know. But she knows it isn't simple. It has never been simple with them. There have always been so many obstacles, so many other things to consider. Other people. But things have changed. They're older now. Wiser – in theory. So, what if it was different this time? What if they weren't wrong? What if they'd simply always had bad timing? What if?

"So, then...what are we doing?" Joey asks, after a long, long time.

Rachel shakes her head. "I don't know," she answers. And she really doesn't.

"Well...do you wanna keep doing it?"

She remembers Barbados. She remembers kissing him and how it had felt so good. Like coming alive again. Having feelings for someone – no matter who – was always such a rush. It was a high you never wanted to come down from and one that Rachel hadn't felt in a long time at that point in her life. And even at this point in her life. Was that what she was feeling? Would it be different to kiss Joey now? Or would it feel like it had felt then? Exhilarating and new but somehow still warm and familiar.

After all that they have been through before, after all that has changed since, and all that they've done together recently. After all the times he had been the rock of her life, helped raise her child and always, always been her friend, her best friend, could this work? Was she brave enough to try again? Was that even fair to Joey, who had always been many steps ahead of her?

But in the end, she has to look into her heart. And what she feels is that there stands before her a man who has been devoted to her in a way that she could never repay him for. A man who has always had her best interests in mind. A man who picked her back up, time and time again when she thought she would never stand again. When she looks at him now, she sees him for the man that he has become and she thinks to herself that, in this moment, she loves him so much. And she very much wants to kiss him.

"Yes," she answers, finally, sure.

"So...what do we do now?"

There are still so many things to consider, so many people who will have something to say, and they will have to deal with that one way or another. But not today. Today is for them; today is about them and what they want. And right now, she wants to kiss Joey. So she does. And it feels just like it did before. Something deep inside of her gut awakens and it radiates through her body. Joey had brought her back to life once, but she feels that he may be doing it again. Or maybe she's bringing herself back to life, doing what she wants to do, thinking about what she wants from her life and going for it.

She holds onto Joey and he holds her back and all question and doubt and thought about what they will have to deal with in the future fly from her mind. Because she had been right. This was the something. And all of the somethings it could go on to be. So what do they do now?

"We go forward," she answers. Because it's all that she can do. And she's beginning to see that she wants Joey there with her when she does. And she thinks that's what he wants too.

"Okay," he answers, leaning his forehead against hers.

She breathes in and then out. Forward...she thinks. She's moving forward. Finally.

So I would choose to be with you
As if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

"I don't wish to appear selfish, but drop whatever you're doing and focus on me."

2012-07-23T07:33:38Z

((a love meme))
my thread

Because it's midnight and why the heck not. ;)

"Donna Noble, you're the most important woman in the whole of creation."

2012-03-13T20:50:13Z

Gotta support my girl. I cannot express my joy that she's still in the running (and currently winning in her bracket) and I would love it if she won the whole thing. So while I avoid the comments section like the plague (fandom drama makes me tired) I'm not above campaigning in my own journal. So, vote for Donna. The Doctor's best friend. Super temp. The most important woman in the whole of creation.

Fic: And You Give Yourself Away (Rachel)

2012-02-12T00:44:05Z

Title: And You Give Yourself Away
Rating: PG
Summary: She wonders how long she can ignore the distance building between her and Ross, and more than anything she wonders how long it will be before Emma starts to notice.
Disclaimer: I do not own Friends. At all. I wish but alas...
Author's Note: For gemjam.

She never feels more free than when she watches Emma play.

It's her favorite part of the day. She picks her daughter up from school and takes her to the park, watches her run around, swing, have fun, be a kid. She smiles at her from the park bench, trying to enjoy it, but today is one of the bad days. The days when it only makes her sad.

Today is one of the days when everything catches up with her, all of her worries and frustrations and disappointments. They've been adding up more and more lately. She wonders how long she can ignore the distance building between her and Ross, and more than anything she wonders how long it will be before Emma starts to notice. She thinks back to her own parents, how little they spoke to each other and how she had never noticed what that meant until she was old enough for the weight of it to hit her like a punch. She doesn't want to do that to her daughter.

She doesn't want to put her through the nightmare of her parents separating, but there is no way she will ever subject her to living hell of having her parents be unable to occupy the same room without screaming at each other. She and Ross had been there before. They had been everywhere before, but not here. Not to the stage of slow, creeping resentment, where neither of them where happy but neither of them were willing to admit it.

This had been it, for real, that was what they had said. When she had got off the plane that was there do-or-die, sink-or-swim moment. If it didn't work this time, it never would.

It never would...

She feels stuck. She thinks of all she has given up, all of herself that she has given trying to make this relationship work. For Ross, for Emma, for their friends. But what about for herself? Was this what she wanted? To keep her daughter playing in the park for two hours so she didn't have to go home? Wasn't this the life she had jumped out of a bathroom window to avoid?

No, it isn't that bad. She loves Ross. She has never loved anyone the way she loves Ross – certainly not Barry. They had been so happy once, so in love. But they weren’t the same people anymore, and they only got more different as time went on. How much longer before they didn't recognize each other at all?

"Mommy!"

Emma comes running up to her, pulling her straight out of her thoughts and she forces herself to smile so she doesn't think she's sad. "Hi baby," she says, brightly, and Emma reaches out and grabs her hand.

"Come play!" she insists and she really does laugh as she follows her daughter to the swings. A little bit longer, she thinks. I can do this a little bit longer. For her.

"Leonard, look! Sheldon’s hugging me." | "It’s a Saturnalia miracle."

2011-12-11T20:22:43Z

HOLIDAY LOVE MEME
my thread

I could use this right now. I couldn't get to sleep until four in the morning because I kept obsessing about next semester. I even got up at, like, three thirty to check the requirements for a (similar) major I'm thinking of changing to. /o\ I hate this. Why can't I just be a grown up? I really should have this all figured out by now.

Fic: So I Will Share This Room With You (Joey/Rachel)

2011-10-27T00:14:56Z

Title: So I Will Share This Room With You
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He was her best friend, and when she was with him she believed that she was going to be okay.
Disclaimer: I do not own Friends. At all. I wish but alas...
Author's Note: What if Rachel and Joey had slept together after their conversation in, 8.11, "The One With the Creepy Holiday Card"? This fic basically came out of that idea.

The first sensation she felt upon waking is warmth. She always felt hot in the morning now, could never really seem to get comfortable for long, but that wasn't what it was now. She blinked a few times and tried to decide what to say; she tried to decide just how much she may have ruined the two most important relationships in her life.

She rolled over and looked at Joey. After a minute, he woke up too.

"Hi," she said. She wasn't sad, regretful, or ashamed. But she was thoughtful and concerned. He seemed to understand that and smiled back at her. Not happily, not proudly, but reserved and unsure. It was a new side of him. She was beginning to see several new sides of him.

"Hi," he replied.

She shifted her hand underneath her head and laid down on it. She breathed in and out a few times as they laid there, looking at each other. In the light of day, things were no clearer than they were the night before. She was still pregnant by her ex-boyfriend, still uncertain of the new path her life was taking, and confused by conflicting feelings inside of her that had driven her to this moment.

It all stood out very clearly in her mind, even though her lust had cooled and she felt more stable in her own skin. She thought back to the night before, when she had needed the comfort of a friend, how it felt very much like the way she had needed Ross before Monica and Chandler's wedding. She knew it wasn't the same, but a part of her couldn't help but believe it wasn't that much different.

In the end, this was her decision. Hers and Joey's. It was one they would have to live with, one they may have not fully understood the night before. But still, her mind raced now. So much of her life was changing. She wasn't sure that she could handle it all.

"So," Joey began, slowly. "What happens now?"

She shook her head and answered, "I don't know."

*

"I never thought this would happen with you," Joey said, handing her a cup of coffee. "I mean, I hoped, but…" It was a half-joke/half-truth, she knew that. But instead of making her uncomfortable, it made her smile. It was still same Joey. Still her friend. Things would change, she knew, and she hated it, but for now Joey was still Joey.

"Yeah, me neither," Rachel answered. It wasn't like she hadn't thought about it sometimes too. Before Ross. Sometimes after Ross, if she was honest. But she hadn't ever thought anything would come of it. "Do we...I mean, are we gonna...tell anyone?"

He crossed his arms uncomfortably and tried a few times to say something, but nothing really came out except unsure sputtering. "I...is there anything, really, to tell them?" Was there? Did she want to date Joey? No, no, that was way to complicated, and she didn't really want to date anyone.

"I guess not," she answered, slowly, shrugging. "I...don't really know what to do here. I mean, the last time something like this happened, this happened." She pointed to her stomach. And that was another thing. "Do we have to tell Ross?"

Joey sighed. "I don't know, Rach. This was just..."

"A mistake?" Rachel asked.

"No!" he answered, pretty loudly and pretty quickly. He looked away and shook his head a few times. She understood the feeling. She wasn't quite sure what to do with herself either, or what to think about what this may have meant. "I mean, no, I don't think it was. Do you think it was?"

"No,"she answered. "I just wanted to know if you thought it was." She thought about what it was like with Ross, before she had found out she was pregnant. He was a friend, who she had history with, and a part of her would always feel safe with him. That's what she had needed at the time, and they had gone about their friendship after that moment knowing that it had meant something only for that moment, but beyond that nothing had changed.

This was so much more complicated. What did she owe to Ross? What would telling him do? She sighed, setting her coffee down on the counter and pressing her hands up against her temple. "God, Joey, I don't know what we're supposed to do," she said. "I mean...it doesn't mean anything, right?"

He nodded. "Right."

"You're my friend," she stated. "And we're adults. And we don't owe anything to anyone. So we should just let this be what it was and keep it between us. It's no one else's business. Right?"

"Right," he answered. There was a long pause and then he said, "Do you really believe that?"

She let her head fall and rested her forehead against the countertop. "I don't know," she whispered. She closed her eyes. She wished so many things were different, that the thought of telling anyone – let alone Ross – didn't nauseate her because she knew, while she did nothing wrong, not everyone would see it that way. And Ross would blame Joey more than her, and that she could not handle.

"Joey," she said, lifting her head. "I know this is hard, and you're bad with secrets, but...I don't think we can tell anyone about this. They won't understand and...you were just being a good friend to me." She got up from her seat and walked over to him, reaching out and holding his hand. "This is ours, okay? No one else's."

He shifted a bit uncomfortably as he looked at her. Joey hated keeping secrets, and she understood that. He had hated having to keep Monica and Chandler's secret for so long, so she knew the horrible position she was asking him to stay in. But she just didn't think there was any other way.

"Can we even do that?" he asked her, quietly.

She smiled, sadly. "I think we have to."

After a few moments, he squeezed her hand hand smiled. "Okay," he told her.

"Okay," she said back, pulling him into a hug. He held onto her tight, and she realized in that moment that there was a reason it had to have been Joey. In such a short time her life had been turned completely upside down. So many things were changing, and sometimes it was hard for her to keep her head above water. But through all that, Joey was her solid ground. He was there when she came home, listened to her concerns and her fears, reassured her when she wasn't sure she could handle it all.

He was her best friend, and when she was with him she believed that she was going to be okay.

"Thank you. For everything." she told him, meaning it more than she'd meant anything in a long time.

"Anytime," he answered, pulling her even closer and not letting go for a long time. She felt the ground stabilizing beneath her feet as she breathed in and out, all the while holding onto the one thing in her life anchoring her to the ground and making her feel like she wasn't sinking anymore.