Rainy Day Customers
Dear Rainy Day Customers:
Please note the following:
1. I have noticed that you only call and order when it is pouring down rain, or otherwise totally inclement weather.
a) it has been noted that you also usually complain because you have to wait longer due to weather conditions
b) it has also been noted that you usually tip significantly less than people who order in nice weather (despite the weather)
2. Calling me Honey, or Sweetheart does not make a bad tip good. It is still 3¢
3. You were charged a delivery charge because the company charges you for the money they reimburse me for my gas, mileage and car repairs.
a) gas @ between $2 and $3 a gallon runs me between $5 and $10 daily. I pay for that.
b) outside of gas, I have to date had $500+ in repair expenses alone, and need another $300. I pay for that too.
c) That doesn't include the $2000 I spent replacing my car this year. Or the $3000 I will spend to replace it again in a few weeks.
d) The delivery charge is not a tip.
e) No way in hell have my reimbursements come even close to covering my auto expenses. Nor do they ever.
4. When there are 4 inches of snow on the roads, do not expect me to bring you a pizza in 30 minutes or less.
a) Feel privileged that I came to work at all.
b) Feel more privileged that I got your pizza to you alive and that amazingly enough it is still hot.
c) Feel more privileged too, that I did not bean your front door with the 2¢ you gave me as a 'tip.'
5. When the total is $19.49 and you give me a $20 bill do not pretend to be magnanimous when you say "Keep the change."
6. How dare you curse at me because you ordered at the same time as the other 25 rainy day customers the instant it started pouring down rain.
a) Note: You were told it would be how long it was. You didn't complain then.
b) If you had to go to work before the time you were TOLD the order would get to you you should have come and got it.
c) You are actually outside my delivery area and I brought it to you anyway even though I was too busy to serve my own customers.
d) How dare you curse at me over a damned pizza.
e) How dare you treat me like I'm some kind of trash. I am better than you in every way.
f) When you say "I'll never order from you again" I would be thankful, but I also know you're lying.
7. Do not pretend that you wish you had enough money to tip me.
a) You could have done without the pop if that was important to you.
b) You say that every time you order, and you only order when the weather sucks.
8. When you are rude to me, I will NOT give your dog a biscuit. If you tip me 3¢ I will not give him a biscuit next time. I pay for those.
9. The word 'tip' stands for "To Insure Promptness". We rush around to try to give the best service we can even in terrible weather, and people tip us four the effort. Please remember that next time, I will remember that you gave me 3¢ when you only waited 16 minutes for me to get to you. Next time, I will gladly put you at the bottom of my stack so I can show my appreciation to the ones who actually appreciate my efforts and show it.
No Love,
Me
P.S. You suck. Thanks.
Addendum: Dear Nice Day Customers:
Almost all of you all rock. You always take care of me, and even if I make a mistake and have to run something back to you, you are always cool, and never get bent out of shape over things like potato chips. You recognize that it's just not that important and accept that I'm a human being, not a machine incapable of error. (and that I will bring them along in just a few minutes.) Even on days when you don't have as much to tip as usual, you say so, and you always make it up the next time (unlike some of those *other* people.) I love your dog, and will always try to have a biscuit for him. I will give your special dog with the sensitive stomach special rawhide chews that I bought a bag of JUST for him because you are a regular customer and you always take care of me.
Now... I realize that you guys usually DON'T order when it's raining, snowing, sleeting, or otherwise awful out. I know that you think to yourselves "Oh, it's terrible out... let's not have them come out in this mess, it's too bad." Let me just say that I am GLAD to come to you in foul weather so that you don't have to. I have to be out in it anyway. It's my job, and those people up above will have me out getting cursed, stiffed, and left standing out in the weather for 10 minutes while they wander around in their house thinking about where they might have some more change so they can give me the exact amount. So I'll be out anyway, and I'd MUCH rather see you than them. So please, do not hesitate to order from me and drag me out in the rain and snow. It might take me a little longer, but I know you will have an extra little bit to compensate me for the extra effort. I will gladly bring you 50 pizzas and a whole box of dog biscuits because Rover is just that cool, and you always recognize me as a real person. Thank you.
Addendum 2: Dear Reality:
I always give ALL my customers my very best effort. When someone curses me because they are not satisfied, I try to recognize that they are just an asshole and don't know any better than to try to kill the messenger as if a late order is my fault when it is busy. I work as hard as I can at everything I do. I work hard. I play hard. I am never impolite to customers even when they are rude to me, and though I may drop a penny tip back in their driveway before I get back in my car, I never let them see my disappointment that they thought so little of me that they thought it was appropriate to give a tip like that. This rant is just that. Venting after a really obnoxious customer was VERY VERY obnoxious to me, and I was very very busy in the pouring down rain all day long with customers who only ever call on days like this, and per capita tip less than 33% of what my normal customers tip, and in many cases less than 10% of the average tip on a normal day. Even still, even if you are a bitch, and treat me like some kind of nasty dog for slogging through the mud, climbing 3 flights of stairs to bring you a pizza when you are not even in your room but yell at me from the ground on the other side of the building, swear that you'll never order from me again, which I pray you won't and know you will. I will still bring it to you as quickly as I can, in the best condition possible, and you will still get my best smile while you sign your debit card receipt remembering to put a big -0- in the tip line to make sure it's very clear that you didn't forget the tip, but intentionally left it out. I will thank you politely, walk back to my car, and drive back to my store.
Addendum 3:
It's a good thing there isn't a tape recorder under the seat of my car rigged to turn on when I sit down. Nuff said. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to tip your barmaids and waitresses... especially the ones that get in their car and drive to your house in the pouring down rain so that you don't even have to pry yourself out of your house away from the TV for 30 minutes or so.