It's Me... and My Alter- Ego

Ahem.

ishgumberry — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 01:19:10 GMT

I've finished my thesis.

Yay!

Now, I'm not sure what to do next (for the clearance and other stuff, I don't know). Help?:)

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Special mention to Robs and Drew:

You've both been a HUGE help to me. I cannot thank you both enough.

It seemed like rainbows would appear

ishgumberry — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 01:19:56 GMT

Good news is, I finally got my momentum. I've made progress with my never-ending thesis and will be adding to my 25 pages soon.

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Bad news is, I'm confused.

And I'm tired of living according to what's dictated to me. Look at where it got me so far.

Shoutouts

ishgumberry — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 11:50:14 GMT

She, Miya, Robs: Congratulations! I'll be there tomorrow for awhile, to see you guys graduate. I don't think I'll be finishing it though - it's quite, er, painful to watch for me. You know.:)

Kai: Girl, I'm here. You know exactly where to find me.

Timmy: Hey. How are you? I haven't been on a lot lately, been pretty busy. I hope you're doing well.

Kim: Here's a tip: A lot of my friends who have taken classes at A1 have all been in car accidents in less than a year. You might want to consider that when finding a driving school. And you're not the only one who hasn't gone to the beach yet.

And the rest of the people reading: Hello. I'm sad that my trip to Batangas was canceled, I really wanted to go to the beach. Oh well. Now I'm stuck with Rizal AND thesis. Sadness. Oh well.

Am happy though, despite all the complaining. Don't be deceived.:D

Am very hungry though. AND am dreading this heat, my allergies are unstoppable. Oh well, no day can be perfect.

Lazy lazy

ishgumberry — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 05:09:09 GMT

I am so freakin' lazy.

I don't want to write my thesis. AS IN. When did I ever want to write my thesis?

I don't want to go to school. I want to work so I have shopping money because I want to drown my thesis woes in retail therapy.

My thoughts are thesis-related in the sense that I am dreading thesis.

HATE IT. I'm so lazy. Haha.

Don't be like me. If you're about to graduate from high school, make sure you take the course you want. And if you're not that lucky, then make sure you shift to what you want. Because you'll end up being lazy. Like me. We don't want that.;p

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I found myself right in the middle of my godmother's and her husband's fight. It's not my fault I'm there, but somehow they got me involved in their fight.

It's a long story. But my happy summer is starting to turn more stressful than it should be (thanks to thesis)...

Drat. Why do I always, ALWAYS find myself in the middle of fights I'm not even involved in? It's always been the case since... elementary. Drat.

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GAY MODE!

I found this really cute two-piece swimsuit I really love, but it's too pricey. As in P1,800 pricey.

I'll settle for my second choice: one that's P439.

Bathing suits are seriously overpriced. I swear. But I need a new one, as my junk is falling out the old one. Hehe.

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I want my diploma. Huhu.

Am so jealous of you guys graduating.

(Yes, it's my way of saying CONGRATULATIONS TO THOSE GRADUATING!:D)

HAHAHA!

ishgumberry — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 17:04:53 GMT

I think my blood pressure just shot up past normal. Earlier it was 60/40 (w/c is bad but hey, I've been up for two days straight!), but when I saw this, I couldn't help but laugh because it was sooooo cheesy, and there's a twist.

The Unexpected

But there's an embarrassing mistake there. Hehe.

Back to stress mode.

HAHAHA!

ishgumberry — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 17:04:34 GMT

Friends, Schoolmates, Countrymen,

ishgumberry — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 12:30:00 GMT

I NEED YOUR HELP!

Please please answer this. It's for our group report in PP17. I'd really, REALLY appreciate it.

AAAND! I would appreciate it more if you know someone who's willing to be interviewed who's currently a JJ or was a former JJ. Please let me know within the week because this is due on the 19th.

Thank you thank you thank you so much!:D

Love, Me.

From: Angge

para ito sa isang GE subject, yes yes.... hihingi sana ako ng kaunti mong effort sa pagttype para masagutan ang mga sumusunod na tanong...

1. Paano mo bibigyan ng kahulugan ang mga 'Jumping Jologs' o JJ. sa pamamagitan ng kanilang:

A. Pananamit

B. Pagkilos

C. Tipo ng mga Kanta

D. (Pananalita)

2. ano ang pananaw mo sa mga pangkatang mga 'JJ' na umaattend sa mga concerts. MAGREKLAMO o IPAGBUNYI SILA?

3. Ano ang sinasabi sa tingin mo ng uri ng kanilang kultura sa pagpapakahulugan (pagdedefine) sa mga kabataan ngayon?

Um.

ishgumberry — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 08:37:14 GMT

Weird day.

Was late for PE, but our group ended up repeating the whole routine after we did it once.

Answered four crossword puzzles (one in English and three in Filipino) and one word search.

Got the text message that Heath Ledger's dead.

Got the confirmation that Heath Ledger's dead.

Went to CWTS class, only to find out I can't go to Malacañang on Feb. 20 because I have a class.

Imagined we'd be teaching the DILG people about anti-corruption for CWTS, then thought about turning it into a showbiz talk show...

...after which we gossiped about Heath Ledger's death again.

Talked about stalkers and frat boys.

Ate salad.

Typed.

Still typing.

Weird day.

Bad Teeth, And Other Pains

ishgumberry — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 11:58:41 GMT

So I did not attend any of my classes today. Why, you ask?

Because I was late for my first class.

It annoys me when I'm late. I only learned how to be late when I entered college (not that I'm blaming UP, baka mamaya may mag-react at sabihing "E di umalis ka kung may reklamo ka!") and despite the fact that sometimes it's a good way to not be so anal and to loosen up a bit, it still annoys me when I'm late.

So I decided not to go to class. Which was perfect timing because a. my mom was looking for someone to go with her and b. I have a major, MAJOR toothache right now.

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Which reminds me.

OUCH!

Mytoothhurtssobad. Argh.

AND. Apparently on my last entry I also mentioned having a toothache. I haven't had another toothache since... until now. Ouchie.
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And because I have a toothache, you have to understand why I'm mean.

So I went to the bookstores today to find a copy of Henry IV, and there was this saleslady from one of the bookstores my mom and I visited was like, "Henry IV by William Sheksper? Ma'am wala na po kaming Sheksper." (Of course, that was how she pronounced his name)

Ahh. It's blasphemy, I swear.

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I am sad.

1. NO THESIS AT ALL. Whenever people ask me "How's your thesis?" I feel this chill run up and down my spine, and my whole digestive system feels as if I were undergoing another endoscopy without anesthesia. Yeouch.

2. I am a worrywart. But trust me, I have legitimate reasons to worry this time. I can't discuss them though.

3. We still haven't cut our landline yet, which means my net connection is still stuck at 52 kbps. Crappy internet. And there's so much I could've watched on the net already :(

4. I am missing some people. Okay, one basically. My confidante, mostly because I need to spill and I'm selfish and I'm sure I missed out on stuff in his life so I'm gonna make him spill as well. And I swear I'll call him as soon as I have enough funds for a couple of hours' overseas call. And if I don't call... Then that means I'm waiting for him to come home. But can I really hold out until March?

5. My MMS isn't working today. I don't know why. Must be related to the problems Globe had yesterday (when there was no signal from 4pm to 3am). But it's sad, it's my way of saying hello to people I haven't seen in forever.

6. Need I mention it? I have a kickass toothache.

7. History seems to be repeating itself. At least, the part of history that I don't want repeated. And this time, I swear I'm freaking out.

8. I haven't gotten the christmas pics yet. Sadness.

Crazy stuff

ishgumberry — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 04:27:17 GMT

J.K. Rowling confirms that Dumbledore is gay.

Sheesh. What's next?

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Two of my three cousins who came here yesterday already went home.

I'm sad again.

Eeeep.

ishgumberry — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 03:39:22 GMT

I keep on scrapping everything I've done for my thesis.

Nothing seems to make sense.

And I'm meeting Ma'am Ancheta today. Grr. What do I pass?

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I want to bang my head hard on the wall.

Or punch something. I seriously need a punching bag and boxing gloves. I miss the ones at Espie's place.

Or hit something. The sticks I used for arnis are alive and well. Just give me a tire, hang it someplace and I'll vent out all my frustrations on it.

My mom's gonna make a punching bag. She knows I'm frustrated. She's also mad that my dad gave his punching bag away.

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I hate the words THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK.

They reduce me to dust. I swear.

Or a no-brain creature. Up to you to imagine what creature I am right now.

Exhausting day. Interesting Night.

ishgumberry — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 03:48:50 GMT

THE RETURN OF THE STALKER!

As if yesterday's exhaustion wasn't enough last night, my stalker decided to come back to life last night... And claim he wasn't a stalker, and he was trying to be friends, and that saying where a stranger is from (in this case, I am the stranger) IS NOT CREEPY!

Argh. Imagine. And I have the shortest temper in the world when it comes to things this stupid.

AND! As if that wasn't enough, this guy almost made me want to jump from the top floor of this building. He kept on using God's name, and so I told him "Don't use God's name to cover up your guilt for stalking. That's blasphemy." The stupid guy attempts to correct me by saying that it's BLASTPHEMY. ARGH!

Oh and he seems to think one has to be rich to have him tracked down through his number. Uh, NO YOU DON'T. AND the funny thing is, he even thought I could afford a hired assassin to put him down once I have him tracked down, which is just STUPID. I'm trying to stop a guy from stalking me, not getting someone killed. And already he has these assumptions.

What an active imagination he has. But oh, how stupid he is.

On the brighter side of things, because I finally got mad at someone long enough to blow off some steam from my exhaustion, I have a bit of energy for typing today. That's a good thing for me.

Interesting night.

Back to paper mode! I have a class later.

Naiyak naman ako.

ishgumberry — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 23:33:55 GMT

I'm sorry that that particular professor feels that we (Tih and I) took his/her classes for granted. I can't speak for Tih, but I know I did in the sense that I don't have great organizational skills (and therefore, I don't know how to schedule my tasks pretty well - hell, I don't schedule at all). But to take it for granted on purpose is not something I would want to do, because I enjoy class. Of all the classes I've had in my life it's the second one that made me really appreciate Philippine Lit, so why would I want to take that for granted?

And again, I can only speak for myself when I say that I really am sorry for my absences. It's just that at this point, I don't believe feeling sorry will help me finish what I have to finish when all this time, I haven't been feeling good about myself at all.

I am mechanical-sounding. ALL the time. And so if I don't sound sorry, that's not exactly my problem now.

I just really strongly believe that feeling sorry won't help me in any way.

And on my count, yes, you could easily give me a 5.0 for my absences. But I didn't have as many absences as it sounded in the email. I count my absences, I only have seven. And yes, that still is past six, but I reported, I submitted the impromptu papers in class, and I know the requirements, I just don't know WHEN to pass them. That's all I need to know. When.

I'm sorry if I'm crying again. I'm a crybaby. I think this past week that I've been cramming I cried so many times because I'm so exhausted already. But now I feel sorry because of him / her. And now I feel sorry for myself too, which isn't really gonna help me finish my thesis by tonight or by tomorrow morning at the latest.

I'm not mad though. I'm just... Sorry as I can get. And it doesn't feel good.

Shoot me now.

ishgumberry — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 16:40:52 GMT

I don't want to do this anymore.

This graduating year crap... I swear, it's for my future, considering I'm from a third world country that believes education is the key to success, but I'm just so tired of the pressure it puts on me that I'm already rebelling against it.

I don't want to keep on doing this shit. Neither do I want to rebel against something.

But it's just so fucking overrated.

I'm sorry. I just really, REALLY need to get that out of my system. I'm at a point in my life where I just don't see the point of being somewhere you don't want to be - again. AND my highly hostile, highly rebellious side is, once again, coming out. Kinda like right before I graduated from high school (obviously I graduated anyway, but not without a share of problems and rebellion).

I can't live without pressure, but when it's there, I can't live with it as well. Fuck it.

I'm a screwed-up person. Deal with it.

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In all honesty, I want to go on a month-long getaway. Yes, just a month long, because I am the type who, while desiring proper rest, feels guilty when I'm not doing something I feel is productive. But yes, I want to go on a month-long getaway to sleep.

That's all I want to do right now, that's why I'm so cranky. I want to sleep.

Ahh, yes.

ishgumberry — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 22:42:08 GMT

Nothing like good food to not make you panic while rushing a paper.

I was so busy studying this weekend for the exam that I wasn't able to take last Friday because I was sick that I overslept today instead of waking up at three am. So yes, I am rushing my detailed lp.

I'd be panicking right now if it weren't for my mom's tasty tasty homemade sardines. Yummm.

My stomach is very, very lucky.;p

Syllabus

ishgumberry — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 22:30:52 GMT

Making one is hard. I swear.

I'm tempted to put just everything I want to read, and I can't do that because of the freakin' course description. So yes, I have to be impartial.

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In lieu w/ that, I got an amazing message from my professor today:

"Bom dia! Não há aula hoje."
(Good morning! There will be no class today.)

Thank you for more time to put this list together. I am so not cut out for the English department, I think that's very obvious now.

Anti-Thesis Mode.

ishgumberry — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 13:26:19 GMT

And I mean anti-Thesis, as in "I don't want to work on my thesis anymore" mode. Hmm.

Fuck.

Best's dad's CD collection doesn't help either. Soundtripping to Air Supply last night was fun, but I didn't accomplish ANYTHING acads-wise because of that. Darn it.

But Air Supply is sooo good... Come on, who never listened to "Making Love Out of Nothing At All" (which, sadly, is always murdered in karaoke), "All Out Of Love", "The One That You Love", "Every Woman In The World", "Total Eclipse Of The Heart", and other songs that I wouldn't even bother to enumerate anymore because they're freakin' Air Supply?

Ahh. LSS. I hate what it does to me.

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I lost what little poetry I have in me.

So let's count the talents I haven't utilized since entering UP in 2004:

1. SINGING (and I sooo miss singing)
2. Sketching
3. Writing (it seems I've become an expert at writing rants, though ;p)
4. Acting
5. Cooking
6. Basketball (although I was pretty average here when I quit, I was a fast learner)
7. MATH!!!

Let's count the "talents" I've utilized since entering UP:

*sound of crickets*

Okay, let's consider speaking English one (except that, considering what my course is, it is mandatory. Duh). But noooo... That's not considered. It's not a friggin' talent.

I'm stuck somewhere. In a rut, most likely.

Good Night

ishgumberry — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 14:19:09 GMT

Someday I'll look back and realize this has been an important turning point in my life.

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I can get to relax a bit at last!

Good night LJ world. I'm off to sleep.

Sunrise, Sunset

ishgumberry — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 22:45:29 GMT

I have the tendency to notice the smallest, most trivial things instead of seeing the big picture.

Everytime I'm on my way home from UP I, like so many students, get the privilege of seeing a beautiful sunset when I'm exiting UP through the University Ave, and then Philcoa. Yesterday the sunset was so beautiful. The colors were colors I've been trying to paint for such a long time but just can't get, because nothing I did seemed to be good enough for me. It's as if I want to photograph the scene instead, but then...

There they were, in the way of my beautiful sunset. Electrical wires and heaps of junk.

So I tried to look behind, at the rest of Commonwealth Ave. I didn't see beyond five cars ahead, because the smoke got too thick to see.

I should have paid more attention to the fact that I couldn't see the road anymore because the smoke from the vehicles was so thick. But noooo... I turned back to the sunset, and I was so upset that a pile of junk was in the way of my view.

Now that I think about it, what I saw and didn't pay attention to (er, the smoke) deserves more attention than the junk I've complained about yesterday. It's very disturbing, the pollution.

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Then again, you can look at it in a positive light:

That scenario only proves that there is beauty in chaos. I mean, come on, no matter how polluted our surroundings are now, at the end of the day we still have such beautiful sunsets.

Ohmygahd. I am disturbing.;p

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Now that I think about it, reading the Revised Penal Code isn't so weird for me after all...

I'm sadistic. *sinister chuckle* ;p

I think I'm coming down with something.

ishgumberry — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 02:12:27 GMT

I've had a bad cold for days, and my whole body hurts, and now my throat hurts everytime I swallow.

I am coming down with something. But I have to attend class. Sadness.

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AHH! The book that I lost is back in the lib!

Now I have some major explaining to do, seeing as I was not the one who returned it. But *PHEW*! I guess I won't have to pay for it then.

But I don't know how to explain. I mean, do I actually go and tell them that hey, I've been exhausted for a couple of days now and so I didn't know that I dropped the book somewhere in a jeepney or in the campus?

Shit me. Buahaha.

But am I ever so RELIEVED! It's the only book with a criticism on one of my texts, and I've been finding it hard to find materials for my review of lit (w/c is why I wasn't able to pass it last Friday). And this Friday we have the progress report, and my progress? Er... I've been reading, but I haven't been writing because I can't find anything substantial enough to write about and criticize in my thesis. Ampft.

But am I relieved! Then again, I can't trust OPAC entirely. I'll hit the shelves and check if it's there before explaining myself.

I'm fed up. After six years, I'm speaking out.

ishgumberry — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 10:53:22 GMT

Melissa F. Germino,

First and foremost, I did not take your call because your daughter did not want me to get involved with whatever it is you are mad about. Besides, I was on my way to meet my mother and I would not want to have her witness our conversation because she already strongly dislikes you enough as it is because of your "higher-and-cleaner-and-better-than-thou" attitude.

Second, your SMS was very insulting. Who gave you the right to pass judgment on me when you know nothing about me? The only things you know are the only things Kai tells you. I did not know having arguments with my mother every now and then meant automatically that I am undisciplined and that I am pakawala. In case you haven't thought about it, maybe, just maybe, my mom and I happen to be two very stubborn and hard-headed people who just blow up and fight before we calmly talk things through and work out an arrangement that works for both of us. And since you don't know the concept, let me introduce you to the proper term for that: it's COMPROMISE, something you don't know how to do with your daughters. Oh, and in case you haven't thought about it (and it's a shame, you're a psychology graduate), I'm this aggressive because I actually have bipolar disorder and I'm actually currently looking for someone to conduct tests on me to see if I'm a bipolar I or II. And since my aggressiveness is the only thing you know that you don't see, I don't see why you would say I am pakawala and undisciplined.

So tell me, where did you base your judgment? From the fact that I drink occasionally? For your information I limit my alcohol intake because I have a bad case of ulcer, and so out of the many times your daughter and I actually drank something, I never got drunk once. When we're having margaritas or when I'm having vodka I limit myself to about two or three glasses only (despite the fact that I love margaritas), and when we take shots of brandy I limit myself to about five or six shots only because I know my stomach will act up. Ask my mom, I never came home drunk. Drinking is my only vice, unless you consider eating tons of chocolates and sweets a vice. I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. I'm not a party girl, although I do tend to dress like one because I grew up in that environment AND it's the clothes I am comfortable in. But no, I'm not a party girl - in fact, I love road trips and nature walks better because I find partying every night very exhausting and time-wasting if you do it regularly. Sure, on birthdays it's fine, but regularly I don't do it because that's not my thing. So where did you base your judgment?

Third, has it ever occurred to you that Kai is old enough to make decisions for herself, to think about the pros and cons of everything and to come to a decision without my - or anyone's for that matter - influence? She's turning twenty-one this October. She's about to be legally emancipated from you, and you still think she can't decide for herself and she's easily led on by other people? I won't convince you that I don't influence your daughter because I know that will be futile, seeing how close-minded you are. But think about this: you're daughter's a strong, independent thinker. Yeah, she comes to me for advice as well as to her Kuya Paolo, but in the end she still weighs things according to her set of values and makes her decision according to what she thinks is good for her. You haven't been there for her since she was a child, and so early on she has learned to be an independent person, and if you think she's easily influenced by those people you're so afraid of, then you clearly don't know your daughter. And that's a shame, having her friend know her better than her mother does.. isn't it?

Fourth, your system with your children is a system of fear. No matter how many times you tell Kai and Gabby that the relationship you want to build with them is one of respect, your system is a system of fear and dictatorship. Therefore, you do not allow your children to grow, to learn from their mistakes, to find out for themselves what it is you are trying to force-feed to them. Even my mother told me that you're not giving them enough room to grow. The problem with you is that you insist on having things your way, and you don't REALLY listen to what they have to say, and they fear you so much that they just say what you want to hear because in reality, they just want to please you so bad. But no, nothing is good enough for you. Have you ever thought that your attitude towards them is what's driving them farther away from you? If you want your children to respect you, you have to, in turn, respect them, because when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, you may be their mother but you're all people - you're all humans who demand respect in order to be able to give respect as well. My parents took awhile to figure that out - in fact, they just figured that out last year (at least my mom did anyway) and so we're working on it. We may look dysfunctional, but we're a work in progress. You, on the other hand, claim that you and your daughters are a work in progress, but you should ask them. I don't see anything working with a system of fear.

Fifth, stop thinking that you're better than anyone else. You're not. Stop giving us the bullshit sermons using the Bible verses if you can't even follow them. You are not special. You are not better than anyone else. If you were, you wouldn't die and rot underground when the time comes. But no, you get to die just like me and just like everyone else, and you'll get to be bones someday, just like the rest of us. You are not better than anyone else.

Sixth, the only time you feel so powerful is when no one answers back to you. I did not answer you on the phone because I told Kai I'd do it out of respect for our friendship, but you know what? I'm fed up with your bullshit. It's about time somebody told you off like you deserve. The truth hurts, doesn't it? I've been told off many times. I've been hurt during the few times I know that I've tried so hard to change but just can't. But mostly, despite the fact that I tend to be a drama queen sometimes, I just listened and tried harder. You should really learn to do that.

Seventh, and last, my mom has my back. I tell her everything. She knows I drink, she knows you've thought of me as a bad influence to your daughter for the six years that I've known Kai, and she knows that even though I'm finding school very difficult and I'm having a difficult time, I'm trying my best to graduate on time, or at least anytime within the school year 2007 - 2008 (which means if I don't graduate on April, I'm trying to graduate on summer 2008) so you have no right to say I am undisciplined. My parents, eager as they are to have me graduate as soon as possible, are not slave drivers; they are my parents, and no matter how much we don't understand each other, I love them for understanding that every now and then I get overexhausted and I need to unwind. You should understand Kai as well. Or else go ahead, talk to my mom - and you'll get told off by someone who's open-minded, who has a brain and who, even though I hate to admit this sometimes, makes tons of sense.

Tita, I do not want to have anything to do with you. As for your your daughter and I hanging out with each other, it's not your choice to make - she's old enough to decide for herself, as am I. And so despite the fact that for six years my mom told me to stay away from Kai because YOU are trouble, I stayed, because she's my friend, and believe it or not, I'm even the one looking out for the welfare of your daughter despite the fact that she's older than I am. So yes, I'm gonna let her decide on her own, and as for you, consider what little respect I had left for you gone. You're just as screwed-up as you think we are, Tita.

And if I'm still calling you Tita here, it's because I want to emphasize that you're old and you should really start to grow up sometime soon, or you'll end up pushing away everything you claim you care for. I'm learning that right now - you should too, seeing as I'm only twenty and I have more time to learn it and you're in your early forties already and you don't have much time.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my thesis, because contrary to your assumption that I have nothing to do with my life right now, I have tons of things to do. Your daughter and I just happen to have lunch every Tuesday to blow off steam and to enjoy a nice lunch or coffee with a good chat.

Kaye

PS. Now that Ithink about it, I know how what I feel about you right now. I feel disgust that you can point a finger so easily at Kai's friends, but you can't even point a finger at yourself. You're a hypocrite and I'm not afraid to say that in public. I've been waiting for six years to get things off my chest, and trust me, I have more waiting, but this is what matters right now.

Looking Back To Move Forward

ishgumberry — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 14:29:01 GMT

What I'm about to say is probably common sense, but I think it's important for me to document it so I don't forget it. Read along if you want.

There is a trend that I've been noticing lately. People are finding their batch mates from elementary school. I see that happening around me right now. It may not be on purpose, but for some reason, people are finding each other and asking how everyone's doing.

Me? I add who I chance upon, and just ask the person how he or she is doing.

As I was ironing my hair straight earlier, I got to thinking about this trend. Depending on how a person sees it, looking back and trying to find where the people from your past are now can be a good thing or a bad thing.

The elders have always given us this "Ang hindi marunong lumingon sa pinaggalingan..." lecture. I've been skeptical of this forever, mostly because I'm not exactly a firm believer of the Filipino [value / custom / tradition --> pick the term, I'm not quite sure of what to use] that is "utang na loob". Also, it took me such a long time to stop focusing on who I was, to forgive myself for whatever mistakes I've made in the past, and to start trying to look forward to who I can be in the future (in fact, I still have this problem). And up until now I didn't think looking back was important in being able to move forward. But this trend has got me thinking just a tad bit.

I asked myself, what is it to me, finding these people and seeing where they are with their lives now?

I think it's important not to compare where you are right now with where the people who used to be around you right now, because there is no way your experiences will come to par with that person's, and vice-versa. What is important with this experience is that you face what you were running from before, and come to terms with it in order to really see just how far you've come and in order to be ready enough to move forward with your life.

For me, it's important to ask how they are no matter how polite and formal it may seem because it's a part of me facing what I didn't want to and I sometimes still don't want to face. I am, perhaps, a qualified antithesis to the statement that humans are social beings, and I treated so many of these people badly when I started withdrawing in fourth grade. It's important for me to face my fear of even doing so much as ask them how they are in order for me to be able to move forward without having that fear, or at least I can move forward with that fear still but with less intensity.

And why, you ask, do I fear to strike up a conversation with them?

I have my reasons.

But slowly, I'm beginning to understand the importance of looking back, especially when a person is at one of the many crossroads in life, like I am and like most of my batch mates are in now. In a couple of months we will be graduating from college, and the chance to look back in such a way that I get answers somehow may never come again, so I'm just adding the people I chance upon and asking how they are. They may not believe who I have turned into, and I may not have improved much as well, but what matters is that I faced my past in order to give myself a boost to move forward. Hopefully I won't make the same mistakes I did, and maybe, just maybe, I can even make up for some of the mistakes I've committed then.

Katie and Joker

ishgumberry — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 06:23:59 GMT

Yes, that was Joker's account. No, that's obviously not him, and I noticed early on. Yes, that's his girlfriend, Katie.

Yes, she's adorable. I love her already.;p

Yes, she and Joker are both hyper. I love them both.:D

I like school.

ishgumberry — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 15:41:08 GMT

I ~~don't like~~ strongly dislike schoolwork.

Go ahead, sue me. But if schoolwork is gonna give me back my insomnia without the fun, then I strongly dislike it. Those who don't agree, I respect your opinion.

I'm just saying. Who doesn't want to get a good night's sleep?

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Chicken soup.

The best way to eat your way out of sleepiness without making you feel bloated (or guilty that you're eating so much it's gluttonous, hehe).

Chicken soup.

I will make new memories.

ishgumberry — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 01:44:13 GMT

Plain and simple. I will make new memories.

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OMIGOSH!!!

You don't fucking get engaged a day AFTER you met someone!

AND YOU DON'T GET MARRIED JUST OVER A MONTH AFTER THAT!

WTF?! Who gets engaged to a stranger?

That's bullshit. And I am in shock.