When the moon fell in love with the sun

Could we be any nerdier?

isee4dimensions — Mon, 26 May 2008 14:54:27 GMT

I don't think we could be. But here:

http://community.livejournal.com/steamfashion/701373.html

Ironically, we had the same idea. Really, it's quite scary. Great (or perhaps, mad) minds think alike. SO, I'll be there 2 weeks from Saturday. It's exciting though I wish I had a camera. All else fails, I can always sell my 360 and Wii this week, which I wanted to do anyway. Really, I have no use for them anymore. I'd rather have a good camera instead. I take far more photos than I play a system. I'm certain everyone out there wants high-res shots of themselves in amusing poses, photos of my children and such.

All for now.

-Mateo

I got my BPAL!!!

isee4dimensions — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 01:50:26 GMT

I got it I got it I GOT IT!!!
WEEE!!!
They're so awesome! I got the six bottles I ordered
Odin, Wilde, Vicomte de Valmont, Danse Macabre, Mad Hatter and De Sade.
They smell AMAZING. I can't wait to try them!

BUUUUTT I got 12 (yes, 12!!!) Imp's ears too!! So I have like...two weeks of BPAL to try now! WOOO!!!
I'm freaking ecstatic. Ok, so the imp's ears are:
Burial, Love in Idleness, Dragon's Tears, Amsterdam, Marie, Yemaya, Loralei, Antony, Delphi, Event Horizon, Zorya and Queen Alice. Gah, so much BPAL...

I've been practicing my sewing, I've altered three pairs of my old 42s (I'm a 38 which is STILL too big, so I'm going to 36s, and the legs usually require alterations. Curse my short form!)

Next up: my big shirts. Then my coats (I have two that require alteration. ) Then on to some items for the varied events. Nothing big, usually alterations.

And then: spats! Finally! I just need to get some fabric.

The children are well, as always. I really should post the picture from Sam's b-day. I should do that this week.
Xavier needs glasses. Nothing big, we knew he would. Samantha will as will. Dammit Dee, why did you have to have vision problems too?!

He looks adorable in glasses. I'll definitely post pictures as soon as I take some with him in them.

isee4dimensions — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 22:54:09 GMT

What can I say about Saturday that hasn't been said?
It was wonderful. Tiring, but wonderful. We went to the Nat. and walked around. We made jokes (oh my god, they KILLED HIM!) hahaha...oh goodness. There was good conversation with great people to be had, those of you who missed it missed a very nice time.

Of course then it was off to Chinatown to eat some dinner, peruse a small shop and view its wares/buy some snacks. Not too much but the tea smelled great. I shall have to buy some at some point.

We then went to the Brooklyn Museum for the First Saturday. It was nice, the music was alright but the art. Oh, the art! I now remember we missed about a floor's worth, but what can you do? We only had two hours! It was still great and Megan was incredibly hospitable to allow us all to hang out at her place for a while. Well, for me it was a while I don't know who stayed and fell asleep.

On to less cheery matters.
So in discussing the divorce Tommy and my mom got into a fight. Of course, he can't just agree and be nice. He was discussing how everyone lies to him and he can't trust anyone. My mom tried to say that I wouldn't lie, that I've been fairly honest. Tommy went on this rant about how I'd only been given two years to finish an A.S. and she replied by trying to say it hadn't been two years yet, it had just been one so far. He got mad and told her to shut up and everything went to shit. Typical. She yelled, he yelled, she left and Samantha was left crying on my bed with me to comfort her. Gabby was a saint and helped by playing with the children as I sat and attempted to eat dinner, which failed as I was no longer hungry. I threw it out two hours later and tried to think of how it turned out like this.

So today went well. I got Lisa that damn piece of paperwork so she'd get payed, and I went to class. Nothing with anything except of course. My clinical depression struck again. It tends to do that. I can't stand it and it can't stand me I don't think.

For those of you previously unaware, I have clinical depression. I'm sure everyone knows what depression is? Good, well the clinical version is one that subsides and comes back on different levels of severity from just feelin' a bit sad to being so upset you don't even want to leave your bed. It's been a while since I've felt the latter. I know some people will mention medication but I really don't like walking around like a happy zombie. I'd rather feel depressed every now and again. At least then I get a full range.

It'll go away eventually.

isee4dimensions — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 17:56:58 GMT

So I feel incredibly ill. I can't stand being sick, especially virally. Damn virus, being all unable to be treated by antibiotics.

I also got my camera back...yes, I got it back. Apparently the lens was jammed and they could fix that..which stinks. Well, it doesn't. I'm really happy to have a camera again, don't get me wrong. I just really wanted to get a DSLR. I mean, I still can it just takes time to save the money for it. I'm grateful to have a camera again, I can't complain.

I'm going to lay down now.

The weekend

isee4dimensions — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 07:03:50 GMT

Oh so tiring, you weekend. DoV was nice (yes, nice. what?) I spoke to Kate the whole night and hope I didn't bore her to tears. Conversation was great the mainstay of which a decent portion of you know and the rest will discover in time.
The NYU steampunk ball. what to say, what to say. It was great. The people were nice if a bit antisocial. As we all were. The food, oh goodness the FOOD! SO much. I got to take home a pizza and a dragon roll. It was good fun, great times and I hope to see all or at least most of them again soon.
I has to go sleep. There's more posting coming, I assure you.

Who the hell is PrecociousSalmon on AIM? I don't know this person, but they imed me. Now there's only one thing you do when on AIM and you im me. Tell me where you know me from, if I get no answer in the first 5 minutes you get blocked. That's it. Don't fuck with me on aim. I got enough of that I don't need nor want it now.

The Microchasm of your Existence

isee4dimensions — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 23:08:12 GMT

This is really a geographical commentary, but sort of mixing into philosophy and psychology as well.
I went to 86 st. today. Here in Brooklyn where I'm staying the week with my mom. She watches the children, I get to go to class and take time to wander about where I choose within a time restriction that she "requests" I be home before or by. Today was 5, allowing me 4 hours of time after class to wander about.

I went to the new Atlantic Terminal, formerly a giant gaping hole in downtown Brooklyn. It's nice, full of stores. Essentially a giant mall (I know, like we need one more) It's still nice, and just decent to walk through.

I left after an hour and no purchases (go me!) and went to 86. It's nice, and it's changed A LOT since I'd lived here. It's more diverse now. That's a good thing. Asian markets door to door with Spanish, Russian and fresh fish and produce markets. Really diversifying. I mean that. I stepped elbow to elbow with what New York has become so famous for over the past two centuries. People close together, diverse shopping for various goods in open air markets. I love it. It reminds me times that passed. It seems to perpetuate through the ages and really, what's not to like about that?

I'm saying all this and it's leading to my first point. It's not a far walk from my mom's house. Maybe a block or two and the train is right there. So I should have gone there yesterday too. Atlantic Terminal and it's surrounding area is so close to places I've gone recently I can spit there. Really.

Get out there! Explore! It never hurts even in your own neighborhood.You never know what you find. Living in such a limited world, people seem to forget about those who even live a mile away if you're not directly related or require to go there. Enrich yourselves, go walking to places you've seen. Through those streets (as long as it's not too late!) that you always drive past because you just don't have time. Enjoy life.

M. Rachansky

isee4dimensions — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 06:39:47 GMT

She asked me..."Did I ruin your life? When we had the kids, did I ruin your life? You....you don't look as happy as you used to." Conversations like this remind me of the guilt she has. Over everything. The separation. The divorce. Having children at such a young age.

I can't say I haven't thought about it at length. I have. A lot. Far too much at times but that is usually the case with everything. There were times when I would have said yes. Or my brain would have screamed yes when I said no. Now is not that time. I'm no longer that person. No regrets is something I am constantly reminding myself to think of. Live life and regret very little. Unless you're a horrid person. Then regret every chance you have. This not being the case well I'll regret very little.

I responded
"No, it's not you. You haven't done a thing. Rest easy with the knowledge it's not you. There's other things right now." It's true. While they are not anywhere near that magnitude or the scope of such circumstances, well at times even the slightest of problems seem to be greater than the past trials one encounters. I will never regret my children, and I told her that. Ever. I don't care how difficult it seems , how hard it is for the person. Never regret something you bring into this world. Especially a life.

Yes, they make my life difficult at times. Yes, I don't get a lot of free time to myself. Yes it bothers me that a great deal of people my age would not date a man with two children. BUT I love them. I love being with them. Taking them to museums, Central Park and Prospect Park in the summertime. Feeding ducks, watching kites fly in the air. Walking around with them, just walking. I couldn't picture my life any other way. Frankly I don't want to.

Circumstances are different for everyone. Mine are very unique. It is a matter of perspective. Most things are.

M. Rachansky

DoV 2/9/08 (No, you STILL haven't had enough yet!)

isee4dimensions — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 14:24:23 GMT

I located these photos after logging into Flickr this morning and noticing a friend of mine posted some new ones from Saturday on her account. (Jessica, I've stolen the photos, I hope you don't mind. I actually look decent in a couple of them so thank you!)

For some reason in that last photo my arm was moving...perhaps I was emphatic about the discussion topic?

Happy V-Day! Or not, if you don't celebrate

isee4dimensions — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 14:02:39 GMT

So it's here again Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Unless you don't like it. For whatever reason, hey. I'm not here to judge. Come have a seat and we'll discuss why this shouldn't even exist as a holiday or the commercialization. Really whatever part of the holiday suits or doesn't.

I won't bore or annoy any of you with how I feel about today, I don't think anyone wants to or needs to hear it.

Enjoy it! Be with the people you care deeply for.

Vivir es amar.

It's refreshing and feels good.

isee4dimensions — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 03:32:01 GMT

I've decided to start writing again. So I've been carrying around a notepad in case I decide to write things down like I used to. So here, the first of many.

Those words resonated
In my head, they echo.
I left
Walked out.
It's cold.
I keep thinking about what she said.
About me, about us. About her and children. I reflected as I walked.
To be with someone who loves kids.

It's quiet out here. My boot steps echo on the pavement like the thoughts in my head.
I pull my gray wool herringbone newsboy down. My wool pinstripe vest keeps my torso warm. Gosh, wool is a versatile fabric.

My headphones are off. Which is odd. I always keep them on. Today they're not. Perhaps....perhaps to prevent the blockade of my thoughts. It's quiet out here. Inside, well. It's chaotic din.

I approach the bus stop. I take out my little note pad. I write. I don't want to forget again. I can't stand that. I prefer to remember it.

A woman asks for directions. Short. She had dirty blond hair. Light skin, with a colored striped hat. A scarf matched said hat, it rested around her neck. Her cheeks and nose are rosey She carried a pink sip cup with Cinderella n it. A thick Hispanic accent escapes her lips as she speaks. A faint scent of florals wafted about.She carried a reptilian print bag, burgundy. It's fake. I continue to write. She has braces, which I find interesting considering her age.

I put on my headphones and wait for the bus.

Just some food for thought

isee4dimensions — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 22:39:59 GMT

Pain
Pain is always a driving force. Pain is the reason I continue. Pain is the reminder of how my life got to this point. Pain simultaneously
comforts me, and keeps me up at night.

Sorrow
Sorrow is what reminds me that happiness while in spurts will give me a brighter day at some point. It makes the joy taste that much sweeter.

Fear
Fear reminds me that most everything people do is out of a desire to control something or someone. Ultimately people fear that loss of control. My fear is the loss of everyone I care about. It's a big fear. It's a fear that was almost tangible, and looms so often I'm not allowed to forget.

Negative emotions are actually worth something, and they help remind us of what happiness, joy and ecstasy actually feel like, and how much better they feel.

isee4dimensions — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 11:50:49 GMT

Photos are up from Saturday at Element.
http://flickr.com/photos/centralrepository/

Tired...gah..

It was great, wonderful people who were very nice and incredibly hospitable.
To my new Mass. friends hello! Thank you for a great evening, and that delicious food ;)

Very exciting, great people and good times. Looking forward to more as soon as I recover from the past two nights.

What do you WANT

isee4dimensions — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 04:08:34 GMT

So I was in Philosophy class, and my prof said something interesting. What do you want? He said, "most people don't know what they really, truly want." So, here it goes, what I want, in life:

A happy family. Doesn't mean non dysfunctional, doesn't mean "normal" though I find it increasingly difficult to attempt to define what "normal" is anymore.

Health, for my children and the people I care for. Simple enough. Too many people I care about have too many medical problems.

A home. Not a house. What's the difference? I live in a house right now, it's not by any approximation, my home. Home is more of an ideal, a state of mind to me than a physical structure.

Long life. With life comes knowledge. With knowledge comes wisdom, in time. Everyone deserves to live long.

True happiness. By definition to me true happiness is being fine with where you are in life, with who you are, with whatever you choose to be.

I want to be able to no longer hold back intellectually. I know the answers so much but my fear of becoming ostracized by peers in class constantly prevents me from stating what I know.

I want to be accepted by people for who I am, and not just some guy in really nice clothing. (This DOES NOT apply to anyone on here).

Having my children grow up to be well rounded, happy people. Really up to me, no one else. Well, up to lots but I have to own up to what I do to influence them.

Achieve balance. Life is about balance, the universe is about balance. I need to be balanced.

Finally, someone to be with, intimately on an emotional, not just a physical level.
Physicals nice and all but emotional, you just cant beat that feeling. Someone who I respect, and care for, who will respect and care for me and my children, and become an equal partnership. Now, its one thing to say this but a completely different scenario to actually be a part of a relationship like that. And I've been there, on both the good and bad ends of relations so I know they're out there, it just takes time. Then again, what doesn't?

There's far more here for me to list, and plenty of things for me to say that I just can't think of right now. I'll update this at some point, perhaps elaborating more.

First Saturday @ Brooklyn Museum

isee4dimensions — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:20:36 GMT

Sooo I went for it. I'd been told about it before but I was kind of apprehensive. Me? Go somewhere...SOCIAL!? It was difficult enough to go to Dances of Vice the first time! Now I love going but that first time, well I'm so ludicrously antisocial that to me it's like dunking me head in water while shove a finger in an electric outlet, except sociability won't (hopefully) kill me.

It was nice, though. People dancing Salsa crowded the entrance area, since the usual place to dance (a room with a large glass floor and vaulted ceiling) was under renovation. It was PACKED though, to the rafters. Not just adults, either. Children, like ones the age of my children, were there dancing, walking, staying up far later than is healthy for a young child.

The atmosphere was nice, even though I didn't dance, I didn't drink, or sing at karaoke. It was amusing to watch, and everyone looked like they had a good time. I walked around, looking at the pieces and thinking to myself, which never becomes a good thing in the long run since I become apprehensive, cynical and depressed to the point I can't even deal with my own thoughts. It was really an incredible thing though, and I hear that Michael Arnella and his Dreamland Orchestra had gone to play in October a few weeks before the first Dances of Vice I went to.

It was like...like the classiest club you could ever attend. Then, they stuck all of Brooklyn's Saturday night bar and club crowd into a space and said "Here! Now, DANCE!". Fun was had by all and I intend to go back next month, if for no other reason than to get out of the house. So long, of course, that it doesn't interfere with anything else, like Dances of Vice. Hopefully they'll have another swing night, and I can learn some steps, which is always a good thing.

Now, off to schoolwork!

A little outta the blue

isee4dimensions — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 16:47:08 GMT

I don't know him, nor have I met him. But I know who posted about him, and well. If she can post how great of a guy he is,well then he's a really good fucking guy. Just read, will ya?

UK Tourist Arrested in Dubai Airport for Melatonin, Imprisoned Without Charges
http://thetruthaboutdubai.com/

31-year-old Cat Le-Huy, Head of Technology at Endemol UK, was detained and arrested during a tourist visit to Dubai for carrying melatonin, an over-the-counter jet lag aid. Though once in custody Le-Huy tested negative for drugs and his melatonin was cleared by officials, he is still in Dubai jail with no charges and no release date.

Dubai, UAE, February 1, 2008 - This past Saturday, German citizen and UK resident Cat Le-Huy arrived in Dubai and was arbitrarily stopped at immigration. Initial inspection of Le-Huy’s belongings by Dubai authorities yielded a bottle of melatonin, a health supplement available over the counter both in Dubai and in the US (where Le-Huy had purchased it). After being taken into the interrogation room, Le-Huy was strip-searched, submitted to urine testing, and was forced to sign papers in Arabic which he couldn’t read. During the bag search, authorities came up with a few trace fragments of dirt, which they alleged to be hashish.

During and after the arrest, Dubai authorities alleged that the melatonin bottle found in Le-Huy’s bag contained other pills. As of Monday, tests conducted by the authorities indicated that the melatonin pills did not contain any other substances and the melatonin was cleared. Le-Huy’s urine sample also tested negative for any drug use. The German Embassy expected that Le-Huy would be released at this time, but authorities have called on an option to extend his detainment in order to investigate the specks of dirt that they found.

According to friends, Le-Huy’s decision to travel to Dubai came about after visiting the official tourist website of Dubai’s Department of Tourism & Commerce Marketing (DTMC). The website is part of a larger campaign aimed at Western tourists and promotes Dubai as a safe and modern holiday destination. The DTMC aggressively advertises Dubai Tourism all over the world; as per their website, “The marketing mix of DTCM-Dubai comprises of very strong, strategic placement of media campaigns in print, electronic and outdoor, which reaches the target audiences… the media vehicle, language and the creative are all tailor made to suit that market.”

The government-created DTMC website, which advertises itself as an all-in-one tourist resource, fails to mention any of the new, strict laws that ensnare Western travelers in Dubai’s prisons daily. One Dubai law states that trace amounts of drugs used before coming to Dubai in the traveler’s system count as “drug possession,” a crime punished with a four-year jail sentence. This includes legal, prescribed drugs for health conditions (examples include codeine and similar narcotic-like drugs prescribed for pain).

Although Cat Le-Huy tested negative for any drug use, he, like many other travelers, still fell victim to Dubai’s harsh anti-drug policy and remains in jail under ambiguous circumstances. As a result of Cat Le-Huy’s case and many cases like it, the Dubai Truth Campaign has launched a campaign warning travelers about the dangers of vacationing in Dubai. The website, http://www.thetruthaboutdubai.com, will highlight cases of detainment and imprisonment of Western tourists.

The Committee seeks to educate travelers about the dangers of traveling to Dubai and hopes to work with Dubai officials to make the new laws more widely-publicized to prevent such unfortunate situations from occurring in the future, and to secure the deportation of current prisoners who fell victim to these under-publicized laws.

36 Questions, 36 Answers.

isee4dimensions — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 16:22:33 GMT

My friend posted it, and well let's see who wants to take a crack at it.

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A. With my children whom I love and adore. Otherwise, no, I'm not.
2) What was your dream growing up?
A. To become an astronaut, or paleontologist, I think both actually.
3) What talent do you wish you had?
A. To fly! No, probably to draw better.
4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A. Glass of red wine, single malt scotch is good too. Water, I like water.
5) Favorite vegetable?
A. Spinach, followed by mushrooms.
6) What was the last book you read?
A. Mother Goose (last night, to my children before bed)
7) What zodiac sign are you?
A.Libra.
8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A. One in my left ear.
9) Worst Habit?
A. Being messy.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A. No car, so I'd offer to ride the train with you instead.
11) What is your favorite sport?
A. Sports? Me? HA! Billiards, maybe. Don't really like sports.
12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A. Depends on how full the glass is, though I try to be optimistic.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A. Wait patiently and talk until the elevator opened. Or use my multitool and figure out how to get out, then beat the hell outta the maintenance people.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A. As far as I can tell, my life is rough but it's got some good points.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A. I get grossed out by lotus seed pods. EEEW! AAH!*runs* Why do I feel so itchy?!
16) Do you have any pets?
A. Miniature schnauzer. He lives with my mom and his name is Ali.
17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A. I'd want to know how you found out where I lived since I'm not in a phone book. I'd then proceed to offer you a seat inside, asking you to excuse the giant mess that is the house I share with my family.
18) What was your first impression of me?
A. Interesting and unique.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A. Funny, kind of creepy.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A. A bit taller, the boots ain't cuttin' it.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A. Partner, then I'd feel bad and become your conscience.
22) What color eyes do you have?
A. Brown.
23) Ever been arrested?
A.No.
24) Bottle or can soda?
A. Water, bottled please.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A. Put a down payment on a house, or invest half and put half in the bank.
27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A. DoV. Seriously, it really is. Oh, and the Esplanades.
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A. Kind of, no proof but I still do.
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A. Listen to music, take pictures of anything I find interesting. Writing (well, typing.) spending time with my kids and showing them culcha.
30) Do you swear a lot?
A. I try not to.
31) Biggest pet peeve?
A. Arrogant and ignorant people.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A. Existential.
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance? [note: feel free to answer this as two parts if you feel as I do that these are two distinct questions]
A. I do believe and appreciate romance. I do believe it's out there, but it's not like TV and Hollywood portray it. It's more about feelings and time than just "stuff". I appreciate it when it does occur.
35) Do you believe in God?
A. God(s) plural. Yes, I'm a polytheist.
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A. I shall!

This is not a declaration of surrender

isee4dimensions — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 23:03:41 GMT

I refuse. To allow,to even entertain the possibility that this is the way I should accept it to be. I may not be in a relationship with you, and think it was really horrid the way we ended.

However I do not feel that your end will make this any easier for me, for Samantha, or for Xavier. The number of lives you will change with one breath fleeting should not be allowed.

Watching you, in that walker. In that wheelchair. Is that what it has really come down to?
Where are the fighters? What happened?

I refuse to accept this as your end, or ours as an incredible dysfunctional family.

This is not a declaration of surrender.
There was a time where everyone fought.
Where we refused to accept things the way they were and fought regardless of that fact.

What happened, where did that energy go?

Seeing you in that state...I refuse to allow that to be the end.
This is not a declaration of surrender,
This is a declaration of my resolve, and I hope you intend to strengthen your own.

Just 'cuz I don't love you as a wife doesn't mean you still are not my friend.

Soon, I'll turn and you won't be behind me anymore...

isee4dimensions — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 01:28:54 GMT

How can I pretend that this is ok?
How can I act like shit's not going to be different, or more difficult?

In six months...how can it all change so fast?
You are an integral part of two of the most important people in my life...for them to lose you now...it's beyond description.

TO think that it's even a remote possibility is something I could not even hope to wish to try to attempt to possible understand.

Yet here I sit, hoping that something's wrong, or I didn't hear correctly. Truth is, I wish you were lying, just this once and fooled everyone.

Fact is, I'm pretty sure you're not, and the next expanse of time will only prove far more difficult than I would ever have wanted it to be...

B-day, 200 lbs, and anything else I can think of that's positive.

isee4dimensions — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 00:19:02 GMT

So my 22nd went over well...ok. Not well. It was fantastic! Amazing! I can't really state how wonderful it was. The dance could NOT have been better, it was wonderful. I look forward to many, many more. For those of you still reading and curious enough to click links. Here:

http://dancesofvice.com

It's amazing....well,for me anyhow.

On to more good news! I'm officially 200 lbs again! Yes! Exciting! Ok, so those of you unaware it's a big step considering 10 months ago I was over 250..I look forward to getting to my second target weight and maintaining it.

Anything else positive?....hmm....My kids are always wonderful.They're healthy and as always a joy to be with. I love 'em. Oh! And I have amazing friends. Thank you to all of you for making my birthday that much more enjoyable with all the well-wishes.

-Matt

isee4dimensions — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 00:35:25 GMT

Summer is now over. My mom's medical scare is over. I mean, she has some digestive problems but nothing terminal, so that's what counts right? She can live with colitis or IB.

So the new semester began, and other aspects of my life come to a close. I look back and remember what it took. Frankly I couldn't be happier it's finally over, and I can move on with my life. No more Daytop, no more ACS..no more Dee around even though the order of protection is gone. Right?

Nope.

As usual, life throws a wrench into the gear works. Now Dee might be moving back here. Not by choice mind you. Well, not mine anyhow. I hope it's not the case, but I really don't want to live with her....I remember the last time and I won't let my life become a 36 car collision. Of course we'll see how that goes if/when it does. The sitter/neighbor/good friend of mine already made it abundantly clear she WILL NOT watch t3h wee ones...therefore, Dee would get the joy of doing so. Anyhow, that's it for now I suppose.

Summer time

isee4dimensions — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 20:12:05 GMT

It's summer, I sit in school. My grades came in and I did well...ok, so I did amazing. I just don't like saying it even if I KNOW I did. Overall GPA-3.74!! WOO!

Ok, so everything is going well. The usual bouts of depression and such that have become the norm are still here. And there...and well, everywhere, really. The kids are great! Xavier just turned 3 and is talking....alot. I wish you guys could all see the changes I do. Samantha's great as well, albeit a bit stubborn. Xavier's sitting with me while I type this, asking me to make things outta Play-Doh. I have so much to say, my mind moves so fast. Then again, so does time.

I know pretty much no one reads this...at least, that's how I feel alot. I remember the times we all read, wrote, etc. on everyone else's. Time does that. People move apart. They come back. It's the nature of humanity. I'll stop boring anyone who reads this now. Good day to you all.

-.Q

Hoorah for thinking at late hours of the day!

isee4dimensions — Tue, 15 May 2007 03:20:19 GMT

So,I decided to post this for some reason.

I told three of you this already. Sorry if I missed someone...Wait, no, three. That was right.

First, life is about balance. Good balances bad, right balances wrong, so forth. Not just with me, with you, but the entire universe balances itself in this manner, like a sort of eternal dance.

Destiny as opposed to fate. I feel that destiny is the way to go. Fate? Like it was people's fate to die in tragedy? No, it was just a choice, on some level, they made at some point.

Life is about choices, the choices we make, dictate what will occur, and from those choices, we get others, and so on and so forth. Every thing we do, has a reaction at some point in our life, no matter how insignificant it may seem

I can understand the desire to hold onto some emotion or feeling, but why? Go live life! Enjoy it! It's nice out now, go have some fun.

It won't always be cloudy or rainy.
I've said this before. I view life (metaphorically speaking) like the sky. Some days it may rain, there may be gray clouds. It's horrible out, no one wants to walk in that. I know, that above that rain, those gray clouds, is a clear, blue sky. The sun is there, with its warm rays, waiting to shine again. The clouds will part, and the sun will come back. Life has its ups and downs (trust me, I know). Just try and focus on the good, even though it becomes difficult sometimes.

Curling up in a corner, giving up? That's defeatist. Please, there are people who care for you, go and find them, there's at least one for every person on this planet, it may take some time to find that one person though.

Finally, life is a culmination of all this. Combined, it fits like a well made machine, its parts the sum of a whole. The gears turn, pistons pump, and things move. Life is in constant motion. We only get what, 70 or 80 years on this planet? Not much, considering we're all at least 20! Go enjoy life. Live, love, create.

-.Q Matt

An exercise in futility

isee4dimensions — Tue, 15 May 2007 03:10:17 GMT

SO, I have no idea why I decide to post anything on here, no one reads it...Ok, maybe one person, or two. I don't know. I just wanted to get some thoughts onto some form.

I didn't believe, I gave up
Why not? Wouldn't you?
Fight after what I've been through?
Why bother, just lay down,
Don't get up, let the darkness in again
It's fine, if you feel sad and lonely all the time
Just remember it's always there

I stopped believing

My kids are older,
I feel better
The clouds are blue now
It's a year later
I feel happy
At peace
Calm
I will fight
The darkness can't win,
I won't let it anymore
Why should it?
There are people who need me
People, who care about me
I feel great
I rise,
I am strong
The darkness will not consume me again

Going on a journey

isee4dimensions — Fri, 02 Mar 2007 04:22:54 GMT

I'm not going to be on here for a long time...I just wanted everyone who actually reads this to know that. If you want to talk to me, send me an IM, though I probably won't be on there for a while either....

I'm going on a journey (the kids will be there too)....
See you all.

Matt (MrFats)

10 Little things you didnt know about me (or maybe you do?)

isee4dimensions — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 03:28:25 GMT

Ok, I take no credit for this...A friend of mine wrote a list on her journal...I just decided to give it a go.

1o little known things about yours truly:

o1. I have a HUGE fear of heights
o2. I am fiercely protective of those I care about (even if I don't show it)
o3. I'm almost always depressed
o4. I hate being alone. EVER. I think wwaaay to much when I am
o5. My happiness is second to those around me. (The happier all of YOU out there are, by proxy, so shall I be happy)
o7. I respect most of you for one reason or another
o5. My sarcasm is my defense...I use it to shield myself, from the hate, the pain, the sorrow I know I would constantly think about if I wasn't like that.
o8. I'm actually nice, just not alot...Or much that you can tell most of the time..
o9. Honesty is now my #1 most important thing to me (hence the list, this is ALL TRUE) And just so you know, respect is my #2 most important thing.
1o. Jokes, and all that witty crap is my therapy. It is the reason that I'm not medicated, or turning to drugs or alcohol to solve my problems.

I don't know if anyone will read this, I really don't care, I'm just hoping you guys do. This is me, the real me. Not the convoluted, psychologically shielded me. The one I never show, the one that is inside....Yeah, it's pretty heavy.