natacha

inchappedlips @ 2004-04-08T19:23:00

2004-04-08T16:40:53Z

i'm off tomorrow morning to Providence, RI to see my sister and her boyfriend for the weekend. it's always very exciting to see them there. we always have fun. last time i saw them was on new year's eve, so i am expecting great things to happen.

inchappedlips @ 2004-04-07T19:41:00

2004-04-07T16:46:04Z

to you:
it's as if you're a tingle i can't shake somewhere between when you told me hello and goodbye. i should have caught on to your apathy when i was asking so many questions about you rather than answering any. maybe i was led on by your......? somwhere along the way you allowed me to solidy a feeling that meant more to me than a pat on the back. maybe you wouldn't understand this and that makes me want you even more.
and i'm still stuck on you. i want your fingernails in my palms. your nose in my belly. your elbows in my kisses. your knees in the crook of my neck. your hands on my face. your breath in my sweat. and seventy-one smiles on my tummy. all of it.

eee?

2004-04-05T17:53:09Z

i have the biggest crush it's crazy. i wish there was like a glimmer of something but last time i checked, my dance card was empty. these things confuse me cause i don't really know how to act. and i can't tell what he feels either. it's kind of depressing actually.

huh?

2004-04-03T17:29:32Z

i don't think that i've ever been this confused before. i don't think that i've ever had something like this mean so much to me before. and i've never had this urgency to actually do actually do what satisfies my needs. and i've never been this lonely before.

my parents want me to go to harvard. i don't know what i want. i want to be happy. my parents won't speak to me if i go to brown. i kinda like brown.

inchappedlips @ 2003-03-02T12:30:00

2003-03-02T09:35:05Z

this feels really foreign. because, supposedly, i have a licence. a licence to do what i mean and feel and love. but i've never explored the 'somewhere' or the 'touch' that seems to surrounds everyone's glow. so how do i go that extra step without feeling like my fingernails are being burned?

but there's definitely an ache. a longing for something different.

so where do i go from here, other than waiting?

cause and effect

2003-01-03T12:02:00Z

my toes are numb and my nose is cold. but all i can think of is you. i used to think that we were so similar-- that we shared thoughts, feelings, and loves. however, i'm encompassed by the compact jello that i used to call home and i don't know if i want to leave its cold comfort. and whatever transition that burst from within, it produced whatever we are now. i've realized that we are really contradictory, opposite, and ... not worth it. there are so many "i used to"s and that dull ache has intesified into a fear of intimacy.

but you've surrounded my fingers... gone underneath my fingernails and are itching my palms. because you've reached the soles of my feet and the fold of my unattainable. our manifested vernacular-- once spoken-- has all but deteriorated into touch. and the knot that's intertwined with the few cotton fibers of my being is being tightened. and all i hear is silence.

i miss you. so much.

inchappedlips @ 2002-12-08T17:59:00

2002-12-08T15:15:46Z

i was in a corner of my room, thinking about what i think i should complain about myself and just pooling in my own self-absortion. and while i was talking to myself, telling myself that it's not worth it, my mother came into my room. She picked up all of my dirty clothes, dirty dishes, looked around, and walked out. I heard her in the next room say, "where's natacha?"
and the weird thing is that i felt satisfied.

inchappedlips @ 2002-11-20T19:30:00

2002-11-20T16:41:21Z

at this point, light is the only thing that makes me feel substantial and real... that reminds me that i actually exist, and with my existence comes realities and expectations. things i have to face and without a bulletproof vest.

i want to pump up the volume, the bass, and let the vibrations take over. and i want to let myself accept what i have been denying. that these feelings are valid, real, and okay to have. i want to be able to erase my straight lines and let myself feel. i want to be in a situation where i CAN feel.

inchappedlips @ 2002-11-03T20:56:00

2002-11-03T18:26:49Z

i feel like i'm being pecked at by tiny birds-- the kind that tickle when they brush their wings against my skin. i feel a little like i'm a board--waiting to be ironed on...stiff and hovering. i feel a tiny bit like that sour taste in my mouth will go away once i focus on your top lip and your hands--
i want to feel like i'm surrounded by your fingers, because that is only when you're real to me.

A letter

2002-10-16T18:15:40Z

to whom it may concern:

i'm through now.
i'm done with investing my faith in empty hugs and hidden smiles.
with wide-eyed promises and hopeful whispers. i'm tired of looking at you and wishing that what i felt was genuine.
i thought i had this fixed--i thought i screwed in the nail that was loose a long time ago. i figured i was exploring and you were a broken wave. but i think this hurting would stop if i just disconnected...
because i'm not getting a response.
i just want to tell you exactly what i think and feel without hiding the most important sentences...but the decorations just come out.

i think i gave us too much credit... too much of a future.

inchappedlips @ 2002-10-12T17:26:00

2002-10-12T14:31:56Z

Lost in a phrase that curved into a wave,
Boxed into an original,
I worked myself
into a crack.

Warm and undemanding,
I asked for a seat in between
The skyscrapers--

And was allowed to drink from the ocean.

inchappedlips @ 2002-09-22T19:13:00

2002-09-22T16:20:30Z

i think something happened between the summer and now. something real and stinging. and now, i can't breathe without feeling it. i feel like i've disconnected my antennas and i'm not receiving anything anymore. every single muscle is flexed. it's a surge of so much bullshit that i think that's all i can see now.

inchappedlips @ 2002-09-16T11:49:00

2002-09-16T08:54:33Z

i think i’m spreading myself thin. i just wish i wasn’t in such a hurry sometimes.

i've missed out on a bunch of beautifuls.

The Haitian Folklore...excerpt

2002-09-13T19:00:01Z

Bouki ak Ti-Malis

Bouki te chita nan lakoua. Li te vle kuit manje. Me n li pa gen dife. Li pa ka kuit manje a. Le rele Boukinet ki t' ap jwe anba pye mango a. "Boukinet, m' bezwen limen dife a pou m' fe manje. Kouri lakay konpe m'; mande l' yon moso bwa chandel limen.

Bouki kouri lakay Ti-Malis. Li jwenn li chita devan yon bel dife. L'ap grese chodye a pou l' ka fri ze. "Bonjou konpe, kouman ou ye?"

-Bonjou, pitit mwen, ban m' nouvel Bouki, konpe m.

-Li pa pi mal, non, men li pa gen alimet pou l' limen dife. Li voye m' mande ou, souple, yon ti bwa pen limen pou l' ka fe ti manje."

And then there was light.

inchappedlips @ 2002-09-12T22:23:00

2002-09-12T19:34:29Z

Variation on the Word Sleep

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you that lucent
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnocticed
& that necessary.

Margaret Atwood

inchappedlips @ 2002-09-12T22:23:00

2002-09-12T19:32:41Z

inchappedlips @ 2002-08-29T21:04:00

2002-08-29T18:14:54Z

haiti is beautiful... all i could think of was why i had to come back to the states. i would stay there all my life if i could. life is much simpler there... i could eat seafood for the rest of my life.

inchappedlips @ 2002-07-30T19:27:00

2002-07-30T16:40:29Z

Davis: I object, Your Honor. The term "nigger" is objectionable, prejudicial, and insulting.

Judge Wyatt: I don't know whether it is or not... However, I'll instruct the witness to call [Herndon] "darky," which is a term of endearment.

inchappedlips @ 2002-07-25T16:06:00

2002-07-25T13:15:11Z

they just told me to marry for love.

and nothing else.

it's been too long

2002-07-02T19:04:29Z

Do you remember that time when everything was a repetitive whiz kid centered on how much you could float from day to day? i've finally realized that i make my life what it is--not anyone else. whether or not i speak to that person from 5th grade or i know where i'm going to be in five years... i think i finally love me enough to try and take care of it.
i love to laugh--hard too.
i love to figure out things.

and that's all that matters

I did not notice...

2002-06-11T13:23:03Z

"I did not notice
it had grown dark as I sat there.

Needless to say,
speech no longer came
to your lips even soudlessly now.

You had been out for some time

when, in one slow unwilled motion,
your arm began to rise from the bed,

fingers spread, in a gesture resembling
the one you used to interrupt me,
that we might not miss
a particular passage of music."

updated

2002-06-05T18:03:47Z

it's sort of comforting to know that you don't have any friends that like you. to feel as though you're dead weight...not interesting enough, not witty enough, not funny enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough...just coming up short in everything you do. it's comforting because you don't have to try so hard. you don't have to bend over twice and a corner so that you're as great as you were yesterday. you don't have pathetically wish upon the brighest star--hoping to take its place. you don't have to worry about friendships losing their strength over the summer, because there are none to worry about. you don't have to be the best in anything because that's not who you are. you don't have to try to catch someone's eye to feel connected to life. you don't have paint a pretty picture for someone else to see. you don't have to have awkward silence in between breaths...

pages long overlooked

2002-05-24T16:18:37Z

i stepped into the train today, and stood in front of a seated man. i didn't pay that much attention to him until he stood up and offered me his seat. it was weird nice special eye-opening at the same time. i sat down after understanding that he was getting off the next stop and wanted me to sit in his seat...and then when i got off the train, i walked through the tunnel in the middle of my street and there was a man playing the guitar and singing about tears falling out the sky and "alleluia"s. and i smiled because as i was passing by, he winked and smiled at me while singing "so take your time and slow a minute for she hurries by too scared to look back...they won't hurt you...i promise." and as i walked to his beat, i was taken over by the congo player on the corner, who, when he saw me, played a heavenly beat that was a combo of a midnight sip of black coffee and a sway of the hip.

then i got home and sat on my bed and looked at my toes.

pages long overlooked

2002-05-24T16:17:37Z

i stepped into the train today, and stood in front of a seated man. i didn't pay that much attention to him until he stood up and offered me his seat. it was weird nice special eye-opening at the same time. i sat down after understanding that he was getting off the next stop and wanted me to sit in his seat...and then when i got off the train, i walked through the tunnel in the middle of my street and there was a man playing the guitar and singing about tears falling out the sky and "alleluah"s. and i smiled because as i was passing by, he winked and smiled at me while singing "so take your time and slow a minute for she hurries by too scared to look back...they won't hurt you...i promise." and as i walked to his beat, i was taken over by the congo player on the corner, who, when he saw me, played a heavenly beat that was a combo of a midnight sip of black coffee and a sway of the hip.

then i got home and sat on my bed and looked at my toes.

inchappedlips @ 2002-05-24T18:51:00

2002-05-24T16:15:37Z

i stepped into the train today, and stood in front of a seated man. i didn't pay that much attention to him until he stood up and offered me his seat. it was weird nice special eye-opening at the same time. i sat down after understanding that he was getting off the next stop and wanted me to sit in his seat...and then when i got off the train, i walked through the tunnel in the middle of my street and there was a man playing the guitar and singing about tears falling out the sky and "alleluah"s. and i smiled because as i was passing by, he winked and smiled at me while singing "so take your time and slow a minute for she hurries by too scared to look back...they won't hurt you...i promise." and as i walked to his beat, i was taken over by the congo player on the corner, who, when he saw me, played a heavenly beat that was a combo of a midnight sip of black coffee and a sway of the hip.

then i got home and sat on my bed and looked at my toes.