a few days ago my manager told me i’d been building a reputation as a really good station cook in the region. he mentioned how this was not only the crew’s opinion, but also the truck drivers’ and pilots’ who’d stopped by, reporting to the company bosses the quality of my dinners. 

‘aw that’s nice to hear’ i replied awkwardly. gagged a little. 

being a dinner lady was not on my 2024 (or life) bingo card, but an affinity to doing things for the plot + an odd australian immigration clause tying visa renewal to remote work has brought me to a cattle station in the middle of the outback, the closest town and grindr profile 96km away. for the last month i’ve spent my days cooking up smokos (aka brunch for men?) and baking cookies for hungry cowboys and cowgirls. it’s a job that initially terrified me, spending each day convinced i’d get fired, panicked with fear of undercooking chicken or overcooking steak, but turns out i’m pretty good at it. i feel proud of myself.

this achievement stands in stark opposition to where i was this time last year. 

a year ago, i was doing readings on trans liberation at the tate, running a zinemaking workshop at soho house and taking part in pride campaigns. i was organising club nights, and taking part in yet another panel on queer storytelling. i was gogo dancing at glastonbury, despite being just about able to hold a beat, one of the many jobs i, truthfully, only got because i was trans. 

a year ago, i’d found myself, after years of feeling like a failure (rip to my old ig username @assignedfailureatbirth), in something that had the semblance of success. i was “doing bits!!!” according to whichever random person saw me in a smoking area that weekend, congratulating me after following my mostly self-promotional social media presence. 

a year ago, i was stuck in a cycle of getting-my-bag, in which i felt unable to say no to £ (or, even worse, opportunities) whilst feeling deeply morally corrupt, slowly dying inside. knowing full well that, a large sum of my work, only served companies’ reputation and self-gratification. the success i was experiencing felt vapid. disingenuous. it felt purely tied to who i was 🏳️‍🌈💅🙂 rather than who i was 🌀♋🤬. my identity 📊 trumping my talent. my identity 📊 not reflecting my values. 

and, so, i bounced. 

i could have just gotten a new job but decided to be dramatic, and moved to so-called-australia. since leaving that “success” behind i have found myself elbows deep in wet sink food juice and scraping chewing gum off restaurant tables. and, today, being a desert dinner lady. 

i don’t want to romanticise these roles (nothing cute about being overworked and underpaid) nor their moral superiority (the amount of stolen land needed to operate a cattle farm is fucked) but i sleep better at night knowing i’m not pretending to do something it’s not (ie advocating for liberation whilst stepping into a private members club). 

for now, i’m cherishing the opportunity to nurture a talent, the one of cooking, and feel pride in being asked by a cowgirl if i’d ever consider opening a cafe, or having a 16 year old telling me ‘that’s good ay’ at a sausage roll i baked, or in watching people going for seconds. 

i feel pride in the reminder that i am my mother’s son and my sister’s sibling, i grew up in the kitchen, witnessing the pouring of love into humble dishes day in and day out, and it’s an honour to be developing the skills to carry that legacy.

i feel pride in watching my confidence grow. i get excited about all the dishes i will get to cook friends and comrades. nourishing souls via the belly.

this work, embedded in care, in love, feels more like success than a panel talk ever had.

special shoutout to nagi maehashi (aka recipetineats) without whom i would not have survived a day.

here’s 5 of my favourite recipes i’ve done in the month and a bit i’ve spent here:

• these are the best cookies i’ve ever had. have also made with a blend of white chocolate & dark chocolate buttons, and also mixing cocoa with the flour. they always bang.

• these rolls are sooo good and so easy. i’ve made them with bacon as it says on the recipe, but also with salami, roast beef… so so so soooooo good

• this sesame chicken was such a success!!!!!!!!!! one of the truck drivers said it was ‘divine’

• hasselback potatoes GO THE FUCK OFF

• these cheese & onion pasties were better than greggs

  here’s some pics: