“They grow up so fast.”

Not all of them do! My son was born two months early, so our family played catch-up to all the developmental milestones we were supposed to be experiencing. Then he was hospitalized at age 2, which led to medically induced comas, debilitating accidents, and weeks of missed school. The only thing “fast” about my son’s life has been how little distance there seems to be between the incidents that put him further behind kids his age.

So when I hear that statement, I get angry. It makes me feel we’ve done something wrong. That we’re somehow living life incorrectly. Not all truisms are always true, or true for all people. Before you go handing them out (especially to a friend in need), re-evaluate the relevance of these platitudes for everyone’s sake.

If your friend needs help searching for answers, it can be tempting to give them unassailable advice. Something that can be easily applied to any situation and delivers instant “comfort.” But horrible things are rarely so simple. I often use the phrase “world turned upside-down” to describe your friend’s new reality. This means that so many things in your friend’s life have flipped, and that includes “facts” they previously took for granted.

Here are some truisms you might want to avoid offering to your troubled friend.

“It is what it is.”

Well, “it” sucks. So I’m not interested in what “it” is. I don’t have to accept what’s going on. I can rage against the dying of the light. “You get to define what it is.”

“Patience is a virtue.”

A lot of times people in trouble are able to be patient because they have no other choice. So being called a saint doesn’t really feel like the victory lap you want it to be. “Patience is tough.”

“Knowledge is power.”

You could have a complete understanding of a situation and still be incapable of changing anything. That doesn’t feel powerful. Not to mention the unusual things your friend will have to understand like divorce law, transplant medicine, or funeral preparations, will likely make them feel depleted. “Knowledge is necessary. Love is power.”

“You win some, you lose some.”

Obviously. It offers little solace to know that some horrible things could be wonderful things in a parallel universe. “You lose some, but that’s what friends are for.”

“What will be will be.”

First of all, this sounds inherently morbid. Second, a horrible thing is an evolving situation, so resting on any inevitable milestone isn’t healthy. You have to take it one day at a time. “Whatever will be, will be fine because we’ll all be there to support you.”

“Time is a great healer.”

People in a crisis never want to be reminded of the fact that it will take a long time. They might one day overcome it, and be better people when it ends, but that dream of the future doesn’t make the present any easier to deal with. And some things never heal. Don’t suggest to your friend that eventually they’ll be “better” because they’ve gotten over a terrible loss. “Friends are great healers.”

By now you should be recognizing that whiff of arrogance from these generalizations. They can’t help someone that can’t change their circumstances with clever words. Platitudes don’t make you wise, and they don’t solve any issue at hand. If you’ve already gone down this path in trying to comfort your friend, don’t fret! Everyone does it. It’s just not as effective as words from the heart and real action. You don’t have to tiptoe over all the helpful advice you’ve been given, just be ready if it doesn’t go the way you expect.

Some truisms are lovely. Jenny Holzer started a long list in 1978 including bangers like “Decency is a relative thing,” “It is heroic to try to stop time,” and “The mundane is to be cherished.”

The older we get, the more we love to impart wisdom based on the tough lessons we’ve learned. We’re always searching for ideas or phrases that explain how we view the world. These distilled lessons don’t apply to every situation however. Oftentimes, listening to a friend is far more generous than trying to sum up their experience in a sentence.

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