No one is intentionally trying to one-up me so I’ll feel worse about my lot in life. We’re all doing the best we can. There are millions of things I should be grateful for, and yet when I see someone walking on greener grass, it really brings me down. Jealousy is a corrosive, garbage emotion that anyone can empathize with. But when an unexpected event has set your friends back a step or two, these little discrepancies can hurt that much more.

We rarely feel comfortable or confident enough to tell someone else that we’re jealous of them, so when your friend is recovering from a tragedy, you’ll have to develop a sixth sense about these things. Simply asking them about it won’t likely produce an honest answer, and if it does, it could lead to a very imbalanced conversation. If you suspect your friend is envious of your good things, compared to their horrible things, here are some tips to remember.

Don’t minimize your success for their benefit.

If it appears to your friend that your glass is half full, and theirs is half empty, no amount of pouring and re-pouring is going to fix that. You’re going to have to get to the heart of the issue, rather than attempt to redistribute the wealth, or fame, or friends, or family, or whatever it is that has seemingly tipped the scales in your favor. Unless you’re actively working against your friend’s recovery, keep doing what you’re doing.

Don’t downplay what they covet.

If your friend wants your car, don’t combat this by complaining how poorly it handles. If they see how much fun you’re having without kids, don’t gripe about how lonely you are. Speaking ill of the things your friend is secretly obsessed with doesn’t lessen their perceived value. It just makes you sound disingenuous. If they compliment you, say “Thanks,” and move on.

Remind your friend of their value.

If they assume you’d rather do anything other than spend time with them (or you fear they do), don’t let them forget how important they are to you. You can even frame it in the context of their recent issues. “Even with everything going on, I’m glad we can spend time together. Your friendship means a lot and I’m happy I can help.” If you’re there for them, rain or shine, make sure they know it.

Spend less time on the winner’s podium.

If you’re sharing your victories online through social media, you’re not responsible for who decides to read your feed. If your friend wants to doomscroll past your accomplishments, that’s their decision. Don’t feel guilty about promoting your wins to the general public, especially if that exposure is integral to your business. But if you’re going to be spending time with your friend, in-person, and you’re familiar with their troubles, don’t spend the whole conversation talking about how much of your life is total domination.

Know when to hit pause.

If you’re at the center of someone’s jealousy, you’re the least likely to solve it. If your friend was passed over for a promotion that you got, then you’re not the right person for them to commiserate with about how life can be unfair. Assess your relevance and attachment to their issues before you give into the urge to talk about how jealous your friend might be.

Perfection is unattainable, and you’ll exhaust yourself trying to maintain an even footing with friends. It’s not your fault you still have parents, or a house, or your job, or your sanity, and your friend doesn’t. Their setbacks are opportunities for you to leverage your gifts in life to ease your friend’s suffering and strengthen your bond together.

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