wtf did everyone go!?
Hi everyone..if you're reading this, e-mail me w/ an addy.!

Hey, hey, hey!
Hi suckas. How are all of you? ..If you're reading this, I've changed my AOL SN too Hookerkiller14..23 got the boot. Anywho, hope you are all doing more than well, and e-mail me w/ your screen names! Even if you think I already know it. And do that right now. Thanks! Talk to you all soon.
-Jesse

I just feel like typing, I'm not sure about what, but I want talk. I want to feel. I want to be needed. I am, but not in the ways that I desire. I like Southern Comfort. I like.....love. But, then again, I hate that ish. Time is all too wasted. How can you be 23 and be..done? ..Not 'done', but 'overwhelmed'. I know this is all normal, but damn... What the fuck? Yao Ming? I have a nice watch. It keeps time well. I like...a clean house. I like being happy. I do not like my neighbors. How can my stupid neighbor be so damned hot, but such a bitch?..Now THAT, is a mystery. If I was a hot woman, I'd have everything. I'd be 24 and have my life dealt with. No worries.I LOVE sleep. I think if I slept well every night, I could do anything. 'Good nights', however, are few and far between. I still miss Kristen, and it's been 3 years...Does this ish end, or am I stuck w/ it? Funny how things work out.. Once upon a time, things were different. Once upon a time, things were how they were supposed to be...sort of like a book. You never really think you can have it all, until you've had it and lost it. And here we are ladies and gentlemen..I MISS Kristen, and I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR IT..too bad it's nobodies(sp?) fault but mine....Lawlor. But hey, another day, another dollar. Right? Fuck it. <3

Well, times have been strange at the 1544 (my house..lol, I'm a dork and refer to wherever I'm at by the address)..Every four or 5 months it seems, I just lose control of everything. I have the world at my hands, and consistantly choose to look/turn/run from everything that is good and "pure" in my life. I can have it all, but I guess I don't want it. Why do I want help, then when it's offered, I scoff and almost act offended..only pushing those who do care, further away from me. I'm so happy and thankful for what I have, but on the same token, I take it ALL for granted. I just don't know what to think of anything anymore. I have it all, but I have nothing. At least that's how I feel.

Tonight, was one of my 3 best friends' wifes' b-day. (If that makes any sense...) I was dreading tonight. I, on the average, don't really like this girl, but tonight was fun. I ended up seeing my brother who just happened to be in town, I got to ill w/ Eric and Rashawna(my friend and his wife) w/out having a dispute, and I got to be the "responsible" person I should be. I watched #6, all by myself(which I'm more than capable of, but not often trusted to..), for over 2 hours.. I love that lil' person.. It's amazing to me how, not even being mine, he can bring tears to my eyes, and make me cry like a little girl who skinned her knee, just by watching him.. He doesn't even know it, and he makes so many people..SO happy...Anywho, blah blah blah, blah blah, and blah blah blah..((((((((You who deserve it)))))))), and thank you for listening.. And a big fat,"FUCK YOU" to those who don't. LAWLOR!!

I just wanted to take a moment to let two of my friends know how much their friendships mean to me... Kikkie, JamiSue..Thank you for always being there to listen to me when I need someone to listen. Thank you for allowing me to be me, and for accepting me for who I am, not matter how confident and cocky, or whiny and unhappy I may be at times. Thank you for allowing me to be the naive 23 year old that I so often find myself being. Thank you for answering all of my retarded questions, no matter how silly or out of the blue they are. Although I may not say it, your friendships over the past..however many months..mean more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for being you..both of you. <3..Jesse

Today was another odd day... Everything seems so overwhelming, yet I have nothing to do. I work, I come home, and I do nothing. When did I get so scared of the "outside world"? Is it "wack" to say that I can't/ won't deal w/ everyone anymore? ...Is it bad to start being selfish? Is....(and I want at least one of you bastards to comment on this..)..it bad to be a manipulator/scandalous person? ...'Cause this is exactly what I have become. It's strange when you realize that the choices you have made, brought you to where you are..And where am I now?..Am I coming up?...Or am I just going down the shit tubes I know all so well? I wish I knew more about me..Perhaps, one day, I'll be able to look back at my 23rd year and laugh....I hope..Muah to those who deserve it..and, yeah...LAWLOR!~!!!!

Everytime the phone rings, and my stomach turns. I hate the phone.

On Saturday night, at about 7pm, I get conned into helping my (one of my 3) best friends move back from Sacramento CA, to here, in Reno. Now then, I have NO problem helping him(Eric) move anytime, anywhere. I'll fucking help the kid move to goddamn Thailand if that's what he wants. BUT(<see that captialization!?) B-U-motherfucking-T, I CANNOT stand his wife. I'm doing THEM a favor, and she has the nerve to ask me why I'M just sitting on the floor, AFTER moving every heavy/large/awkward piece of shit they have, either by MYSELF, or w/ a lil' help from Eric(all 5'9 140lbs of him. Keep in mind, we're fucking moving sectionals, 36" TV's, tables, chairs, box after box after box after BOX. ...I deal w/ her complaints..I keep my cool all day long. I stay my typical,"Yes ma'am" kinda self. I open doors for her, I won't let her carry heavy stuff, I TRYING to be respectful...Anywho, after 1 day and 7 hours we (I), am done. We walk to the bar, it's only 200-300 yards away. We get there, and Rawshawna(Erics' wife)"after your beer, you're gonna help us unpack..Right?" I say FUCK NO I'm not unpacking shit! She says,"So you're gonna just have all that stuffed stacked in the living room and leave it there!?" Me:"Fuck yeah I am, I just moved ALL of your stuff, w/ NO fucking help from you, so yeah, I AM gonna leave it just sitting there. Deal w/ it. Rawshawna: "You fucking dick Jesse, you are SUPPOSED to be our friend!" Me: "I'm your ONLY fucking friend bitch, you're lucky I helped at all..I should fucking spit on you, you fuck." By this time, Eric is trying to resolve the situation..I'm mad, I can't beat Rawshawna's face in..damn women...Eric is one of my best friends, so I can't fuck him up.....but FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK I wish he never married that stripper bitch.. If I see her today, she might get spit on. Anywho..enough rambling. Tallyho!

Well, the past 3 days have been odd. I'm not sure what's going on, but something is up. I feel like...I dunno, I just don't feel right. Not like I'm sick, just like my brain is going to break or something. I feel like I did after my 9 day, 16 hours of sleep Ecstacy binge. But I haven't been doing the drugs. I feel like I'm watching 99999999kazillion thing happen around me, but they're happening too fast, and I'm thinking too much about whatever else just happened, to participate in the current. I'm constantly playing catch-up. ..And just when I think I've caught up, I get set back. I just wish I had...what's that called when you have multiple personalities? Well I wish I had that. Then I wouldn't feel so silly when I get caught talking to myself. Another thing that's bugging me.. Phil, the #2 Operations Manager at my work is probably...I hope not, but 'prolly gonna get fucked at work..maybe fired. Right now he's suspended w/ pay, but thing aren't looking as good as I had hoped. And it all came from one lil' comment I made, and he stuck up for me...again. He's already, in my opinion, saved my life twice, and now he's screwed?.. That's not right. Why do people do so much for me? ..And how do I manage to, ..not "let down"..but for lack of better words, let down those who do the most for me? Damn...we'll see..

lol...I was just looking at how my last entry doesn't make sense 'prolly to anyone but me, because I left so much out 'cause I'm tired, cramped up like a woman, and I really don't care. This is my lj(thanks boo)...but when I saw the date, I remembered today is is important. Word and Happy birthday to: ((((((((((Grandma))))))))))).. I never met you, but if you're anything like me, you MUST be cool; and Kristen...yeah...you're a slut, and I don't really like you very much, but you could still 'prolly pimp my ass if you damn well pleased. F you. Tell your sister hi. Thanks, I'll be here all week. Adios!

Today was fine, until about 4:30 pm...I was at work when the Branch(Main#1)manager asked if I would have all the stock put away by 6:30pm. The distribution truck came at 4:10pm, normally it comes at 11:30am, so normally, stock would be no problem..I OWN Sherwin...but today, the truck came late...So when he asked, I replied w/,"No, not by 6:30". Honest, not what he wanted to hear, but it was the truth. He told the #2(Operations manager)that stock had to be done BY 6:30...Impossible. #2 told him that stock would not be put away because there were orders that HAD, and I repeat, H A D to be tinted or we could lose multi-million dollar accounts..NOT a good thing. So, I'm tinting and #1 says I have to go do stock...#2 (who is in the right) disagrees and says "NO, Jesse's gonna tint"...anywho...it escalates, and now I'm playing "Captain Save-a-ho" to try to keep them from boxing and ME having to seperate it...That's wack...Anywho, I've been trying to type this damn lj for over 3 hours now and I'm tired and people keep interrupting(sp?) me. So yeah, tallyho

..I dunno know why, but I feel like venting and I can't do it it to my 'real life' friends, so I'll do it here. I miss having a girlfriend. I miss coming home and being able to share all the silly and stupid stuff that happened throughout the day. I miss dinners. I miss waking up to see you looking at me. I miss how you smell. I miss the little notes you would leave. I miss worrying about you. I miss you. I love you. I hate you. I'm done w/ a capital 'D'.....word

Hey hey you bastards!! How the hell are ya'll? Good I hope. Anywho....Since many seem to be wondering or curious....What WAS said is this..."Do you still want to see Bella?"...and I said..."No, not if it was today...I look and feel like shit." to which she replied,"We're not talking about today; and THAT is where that matter ended...I think that is different than a simple,"No I do not want to see you." Always two sides to the story. Wouldn't it just be easier to ask twat was said, rather than to assume, or .....Assume? lol.. Comments? Questions?..Answers? Pop YOUR collar..I popped mine, why not pop yours?

Current Mood: GREAT

I love being happy, it's so much easier than being miserable. I love my AOL friends, you know who you are...
I love my parents, and most of all, I'm thankful for another day to try to make things right...or at least better.
I'm 23...I'm young, I've lost...but I can still gain. I have opportunities, I just need to take advantage of them. I have potential, now I need to embrace it.
I can do things, I just need to do them. I have alot of life to live, and damnit, I WILL have my wife, I will have my child(ren), and I will be the neighbor that has the 'nice house' on the block. I won't settle for anything less..I deserve what I get, and..WHAT I deserve..who knows, but I do know I deserve something. ((((((((((((Bellabooooooooooooooooooo))))))))))))))..mad at me or not, I still heart ya'...((((((((((((((((Sneaky)))))))))))))))))))ALWAYS there for me....Thank you. (((((((((((((((((all ya'll))))))))))))))))))))))Keep it REAL live, REAL big...And until next time I ramble nonsense....Tallyho!

Current Mood: relaxed

Have you ever bought a friendship? Where did that friendship lead? Did you REALLY consider them a friend AFTER they were 'bought'? Were they cheap?....You ain't gotta lie to kick it.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((My parents)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))); (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bellaboo)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))); ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sneaky))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))); ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sherwin)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))...ya'll are AOK w/ me...muuuuuuuuuuuuuah! (Except for Sherwin, Sherwin gets a manly pat on the back.)

Ahhhh..What a good day today was..I got lots of stuff one, I made a few extra dollars and I remembered the combination to my safe...yay!
Well, I just felt like making a lil' post on friends. AOFriends in particular. It's funny how people whom you've never met can affect your life so much. I know, that everyday I come home, I turn on my stupid cpu, and go straight to AOL in hopes of new mail, or just to see the people I love to see...Sounds silly..but when did I become such a AOdork?...And why do I like it so much?...To my friends, you know who a you are, thank you for everything, thank you for listening when needed, and most of all, thank you for being you. W/out my friends and family, I am nothing. You make me. Period, point blank, bottom line. And I heart you all for that..Thankyou.

Current Mood: indescribable

Ever impress yourself?

There is a woman on AOL whom I've known now for, somewhere around 6 or 7 months (I think..lol) I When I first got AOL, it was basically to dl music, use it for school, and just to mess around and pass the time. Well, as most of us do, I found my way to the chat rooms and became addicted immediately. I eventually found a group of 5 or 6 friends whom I talked to quite frequently, and for the most part, became very good friend w/.. BUT....there has always been this one woman....as retarded as it may sound, I guess you could say I've always been 'intimidated' by her in a sense..That's not the right word...but it's close.lol. Anyways, many of you know, some of you may not, but I have never been one to engage in an AORelationship.. I've never met anyone from AOL, let alone called anyone from the net... (except good ol' Amy twice...and I am STILL sorry about that drunken 3am call...my bad!), but I can't stop thinking about her...This just seems so odd to me..How can a box that is plugged into my wall, make me feel the way I do? Why do I get so excited to see her come online, only for me to say basically nothing? Why is it so easy for me to talk to everyone but her? Why do I miss her voice, never having heard it? How did this happen?...wtf.. I'm goin' to bed now..lol..I need it.
Adios!

* no paragraphs just for you Lemons. =) *

Current Mood: sleepy