Hider Paige

hide_r — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 23:24:40 GMT

Just a reminder...
hide_r ---> andplease

hide_r — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 00:33:46 GMT

For those of you who missed the first boat, another one is now leaving the station. Translation: I moved journals a couple weeks ago.

hide_r ---> andplease

I hope you'l join me over there!

Also, my graphics are now at pushtopull :)

hide_r — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 05:40:26 GMT

hide_r --> andplease
Go add me if you'd like to stay friends!

HOLLA.

hide_r — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 19:05:08 GMT

THE BITCH IS BACK, FOLKS.

A friends cut will now commence. Comment if you want to stay.
(Some of you, I refuse to cut regardless of your feelings on the matter.)

Also, cute overrides: where are they?

It never ends.

hide_r — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 06:04:18 GMT

~~Dear~~ Government,

My dad made $12,000 last year. My mom made $28,000. I made $10,000 (and pay $28,000/yr for school).

We spent the first half of the year on food stamps and I spent most of the summer homeless. Our house was foreclosed.

Between the three of us, we have no retirement funds, pensions, or savings to speak of. The grand total of all four bank accounts is $600.

How in the FUCK did my Expected Family Contribution go up?!

I fucking hate you,
Hider

[ficlet] mirror, mirror (blair waldorf/jack benjamin)

hide_r — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 05:32:26 GMT

Mirror, Mirror
Fandom(s): Gossip Girl & Kings
Pairing: Blair Waldorf/Jack Benjamin
Summary: She ignores the way his eyes wander and, in turn, he pretends he doesn’t notice hers doing the same.

Note: Written for the 'weapons' prompt at choco_cherries. Only, this didn’t turn out like I wanted at all. Also, Carter doesn’t exist. So let’s pretend New York is Gilboa and that Jack was around for Blair’s downfall.

She’s sitting in the bar of a five-star hotel when he arrives. She hears him without seeing him because he doesn’t make a public move without the buzz of shutters capturing it all. The stem of her third martini glass rests between her fingers so she brings it to her mouth as she turns slightly on the bar stool, meeting his eyes as he walks under the restaurant's archway, paparazzi and wing men in tow. (He smirks like he knows it’s going to be easy, she smiles because she knows it’s not.)

They know each other well without ever having to say a word because she has Gossip Girl and he has The Daily Post and both are impossible to run from. So she lets her eyes wander over his shoulder when he’s talking and he does the same because it’s what they do. They fall into a pattern, complete with hotels, martini’s, and him never ever staying the night. (She’s not naive enough to ignore what’s right in front of her.)

She sees the way his eyes linger on the brunette boy in the corner and, really, it shouldn’t be any different from the years of playing second fiddle to her best friend. It should feel disappointing, but in some ways it’s an improvement on Nate and Chuck and Dan and every other boy whose ever tried to hold her hand. (She doesn’t know Joseph, he’s not her best friend, and a part of her can live with being second best so long as it’s not another girl at number one-for now.)

She’s been through a lot, seen even more, and she knows that this is going to end badly. His face, her words, both will be slung across every page of newsprint and she’ll regret ever letting his palm slide up her thigh that first night. (She’ll be called his beard or, worse, the naive little girl who didn’t know any better.)

The thing is, Blair does know better. She knows that she’s better off now then she was a couple of months ago, with her status reclaimed and an acceptance letter to Yale in her desk. All she has to do now is get out before everything falls down around him.

(Blair was never good at avoiding boys with self-destruction in their eyes.)

so young, so pretty, such a lack of diplomacy; you can't get out

hide_r — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 03:15:44 GMT

01. I am officially over the stomach flu from hell. My bitch roommate gave it to me, just before she fled town for the holidays. So my time off (the first three days in a row I've had off since April) were spent puking and shitting and being generally miserable. It mainly sucked because I hadn't gone to the grocery in a while so, even when I started keeping water and solid food down, I didn't have much around and everyone I would have felt comfortable brow beating into making a pit stop was out of town for the holidays too. LAME. But I made it through. /overshare /whine

02. Of course, I'm better just in time to get back to work. I close tomorrow... on Christmas Eve! :( I actually don't mind that much, I'd rather work it so someone who has actual family traditions and such can have it off. Plus, Mom and Toe only work half days so by the time they drive in from Madison, we'll be getting to my place around the same time. Then we'll have 36 hours of family time before they drive to Nashville on Saturday morning and I start four days of nothing but work. I'll fly down on Tuesday night in time for their New Year's Eve wedding!! I'm so excited for us to be real family on paper too... even if my maid of honor dress is kind of ug.

03. The Glee: Vol 1 soundtrack has been on loop since I got it last week. Even after my employee discount, it was still $8 I shouldn't have spent but whatever. I bought it when I was picking up the last of my Christmas presents, the new Lady GaGa for my mother and Public Enemies for Toe.

04. Speaking of my new favorite fandom: Does anybody have any good Glee fanfic recommendations? I'm kind of addicted. Pretty much everything I've read so far is really formulaic and cliche but I don't care. I love Rachel/Puck and anything with good Glee!family stuff but if it's made of awesome then it doesn't have to be either.

05. Spam!Time of Things That Made Me Happy During Sick Time:
• Could Lea and Mark be any cuter?! With their matching plaid and his hipster glasses! Fangirl meet new obsession. I wish I had all those videos and pictures so I could make icons. (Side Note: I haven't been able to find pretty Glee ones! Any suggestions?)
• Leighton & Seb continue to be adorable. They're always so affectionate, even if it's in a understated way. And he's so supportive! Every time you read a recap of a concert, it always mentions him cheering her on from the front row.
• OMG! So much Nate/Jenny! So pretty! That is all.

BACK.

hide_r — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 05:57:59 GMT

01. I'm baaaaaaaack. Fo realz this time. Seriously. I'm all caught up on my flist and everything (which doesn't mean you shouldn't link me to important/fun/awesome things I missed in the past, oh, six months). I missed you guys like crazy and I'm so sorry I've been a bad friend for half the year! Which brings me to my next point...

02. I did a friend's cut and ended up clearing out more than half of my flist. Mainly because I want to focus on the people I love and the friends I want to get to know better. Most of the journals that were cut died a long time ago (which made me really sad because soooo many people I love have up and left LJ) but if you think I cut you by mistake/want to be readded, just let me know.

03. I'm not going to bother doing a big recap post of my life, because frankly it's not that interesting. Couch surfing sucked, my new apartment is kind of crummy but I like the neighborhood and have grown to resent my flaky roommate. For the first time, I have a great group of friends that I really love, but both work and finals suck right now so that's kind of sucking the joy out of everything in life. And the weather is depressing. Bleh.

04. ~~Some times~~ Most of the time, I'm really disgusted with our government. As someone whose family has gone through a lot of shit, only to be told it wasn't shitty enough to count, I can relate to someone whose punished for the one break she can find.

05. If any of you have a few free moments, please fill out this survey I'm conducting for a class final. It literally takes less than ten minutes and you will have my undying love and affection. Also, my results are totally skewed in favor of girls so if you are a boy/have a brother/male best friend/are sitting next to a guy at a coffee shop, make them take it too! 73/92 responses are female lol.

06. The new version of iMovie is the most frustrating thing ever. I hate that the file formats are so limited. Anyone know of a free video editing program that can be used on a Mac? I just need to be able to slice up video for the school project above and post it to YouTube, nothing fancy.

07. Who has a Tumblr? Because I doooooo and I want more people to follow.

08. Call me crazy but I'm actually excited for Life UneXpected. Despite the random capitalization in the title and the fact that the extended trailer sports lines like 'We can give her what no one else has--we can love her!" It actually looks really good and I love the cast. It's so funny to see Shiri Appleby and Kerr Smith in the 'parent' roles! It kind of makes me sad and excited all at once. But seriously, check out the five minute featurette and squee with me.

09. Is it time for the new season of Chuck to start yet? Because I'm excited for that to start too. I rewatched some episodes the other day and it's even funnier now that I work at Best Buy/have friends on the Geek Squad. (Confession: I once called it the 'Nerd Herd' when talking to a customer. True story.)

10. ~~My paid account died last week and, obviously, LJ did not let me keep any good/frequently used icons. LAME.~~ Umm. Yeeeeeah. thememoryslides is made of win, in case you didn't know.

THE BITCH IS BACK, FOLKS.

hide_r — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 15:01:50 GMT

I'm baaaaaaack. Mostly.

But there's no way I'm going to catch up on two months of back entries (as much as I would love that ability). So I'm in the process of skimming and doing a flist clean out (there were a lot of cuts during my hiatus!) but I need your help.

SPAM ME! PRETTY PLEASE?!
Have you written fic? Made a fan mix/pretty graphic post/pic!spam/etc? Have something really cool happen to you? Undergoing a huge life-altering change that I need to catch up on? Have a hot summer fling? Did fandom explode while I was gone? Did I miss pretty photoshoots?! I FEEL SO LOST. Thus I need links galore. Please?

Real entry later. Pinky-swear.

hide_r — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 13:53:20 GMT

Drive by update from a friend's phone to apolgoize for not updating and for missing lots of great birthdays. I've been couch surfing among friends and, unfortunately, that has meant almost no internet access. I know a lot of you are waiting on things from me and I can't even tell you how bad I feel about turning into the biggest flake on the planet. I move into my new apartment this weekend and should have regular internet access from that point on. Again, I'm sorry for being so AWOL.

I promise I'm alive... if uninformed. Let me know about all the cool stuff I missed! Whether it be memes or fan mixes or a really cute clip with whatever actor we all love this week. I love links to fun stuff and to hear how you guys have been so comment spam me! I hate being out of the loop you know!

hide_r — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 03:21:19 GMT

I'm so sick of letting everyone down.

I need validation before I can make any sort of decision.

hide_r — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 19:07:23 GMT

So I'm in need of a new domain for school/real life where I can put design projects, examples of web work, a small blog, etc. I was going to go the simplistic route and use my name but, as some of you know, I'm planning on legally changing my last name when Mom and Toe get married in December. (Basically, I don't want any more ties to my biological father than I have to and Toe's been more of a dad to me than Ray Griffin ever was.) Plus, I'd rather go the simple yet creative route.

I've narrowed it down to two that I really like but I'm open to suggestions.

The first is a domain I actually owned last year, back when I wanted to start a Beth/Mick fansite. It was obviously inspired by a Spill Canvas song about vampires but I feel like the name's really relevant since the site's going to host my life's work.

The second one was inspired by a Jack's Mannequin song that I adore, which says something along the lines of big hearts, big hearts, big hearts are for breaking. I feel like it really fits me as a person and I love the domain name. If I had the money to buy more than one right now, I'd probably use it for my fandom collective and the other for my portfolio.

So, opinions? Other ideas? Please share.

View Poll: Domain Dilemma

I here by interrupt your original programming for pointless reality.

hide_r — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 17:05:42 GMT

01. So far today I've spent forty-five minutes wondering around uptown because of bad directions, had a drug test, met with Student Financial Services, picked up necessities at CVS, returned my library books, grabbed lunch from Panera, and dropped off a paper in the English department. I did all of it in the rain without an umbrella or hood and am now miserable. It's only noon and I want this day to be over. Thank God my first class was canceled, now if only the next three would be too.

02. As far as the rest of real life goes, a lot of stuff has changed but the outcome really hasn't. My last whiney entry goes into more detail but here's the synopsis: I got a $2,000 scholarship! I got a full time on-campus job for this summer! I got a part-time (at Best Buy) that's willing to work around the previously mentioned one! I will be spending my glorious vacation floor surfing from various friend to friend while working 60+ hours a week to save money. I still probably won't be able to go back to Columbia. Oh, and the people Mom and Toe were staying with in Wisconsin decided they hate white people/interracial relationships and kicked my Mom and Toe out of the house, and fired him from his job. Thankfully my mom makes friends fast and a girl from her work is letting them crash with her until they can get an apartment next month. Since we can't afford to pay our Indiana house note and an apartment in Wisconsin, the house is probably going to be foreclosed. Blah. Blah. Blah. Fuck my life.

03. I have so much homework to do right now that I really should be doing something other than updating my LJ, yet here I am. Yay for responsibility!

04. Who else is pissy about Kings? Because it's been a week and I still wanna cut a bitch.

05. The first picture from The Good Guy was finally released by Entertainment Weekly and I's so excited! Scott Porter! Alexis Bledel! Bryan Greenberg! In a love triangle! It's almost enough to make a girl not hate life.

ETA: Umm. You guys should rec me things. Like whatever. Fic, pic!spams, icons, sites, articles, I don't care. Show me shiny things that will make the next ten hours more bearable. Pretty please?

Pic!Spam of Happy = Nate & Jenny in Episode 208

hide_r — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 23:46:00 GMT

There have been way too many pretty pic!spams as of late and I was feeling left out. So I spent all last night doing this and, wow, I forgot how long it took. It didn't help that Photoshop literally crashed about a million times because I was stupid and did everything the hard way. That being said, I'm too tired for the whole witty commentary thing so this is going to be pretty straightforward.

(aka the least dial-up friendly thing ever)

Jenny: Homework, headset, hang bag. Check, check, check. I have to pee. [Ignoring the yells of Dan and Rufus] Have you guys seen my sketchbook?!
Nate: Whoa, sorry! Oh my God, Jenny! [Laughing]

Jenny: Sorry! [Getting distracted by his naked chest.]
Nate: Did you do something with your hair?
Jenny: Uh... yeah. Shorter, blonder, I was bored.

Nate: I like it, it looks... It looks good.
Jenny: Thanks.
Nate: Oh, go ahead, use the bathroom. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-
Jenny: Oh, no! I'm gonna go, it's fine, I'll just pee at work.
Nate: No, no, no, no-
Jenny: No, it's fine!
Nate: Okay...

[Insert Agnus being friendly and Eleanor pulling a bitch move]

Nate: Jenny, hey!
Jenny: Nate? What are you doing here?

Nate: I found this when you left and I thought you might need it, so...
Jenny: Oh, I do, thank you! Thank you so much...
Nate: Sure!
Jenny: That was really nice of you.
Nate: Well, I'll let you get back to work.
Jenny: Yeah, I'll see you.
Nate: Bye.
Jenny: Bye.

Agnus: That guy? Is totally into you.
Jenny: No, he's not. He thinks of me as a little sister.
Agnus: Yeah, a little sister he'd like to do.
Jenny: No, he doesn't.
Agnus: Yeah, yep....

Nate: Jenny! Hey, wait up! Are you taking off already?
Jenny: Uh, yeah, me and my friends are going to a party.
Nate: Oh, I didn't know. I was hoping we could hang out tonight.

Jenny: Well, there's always tomorrow at the loft.
Nate: Really? I mean, I kind of doubt that. You're always working now, like last night, the night before...
Jenny: Well I actually quit Eleanor's.
Nate: You quit Eleanor's?! That job was... everything to you.
Jenny: I know, um, it might sound crazy but I'm actually thinking of starting my own line.
Nate: Really? What does your dad think about that?

Jenny: Okay... um, I was actually hoping for more or a 'Congratulations, Jenny!' or at least monosyllabic 'Wow.'
Agnus: [Appearing with Max] You coming, Jenn?
Jenny: Uh, yeah, I'll be right there.
Nate: Hey, how old is that guy?
Jenny: Okay, that guy is Max and he went to RISD with Aaron and he's an amazing photographer who's going to shoot my line. Look, I gotta go. Umm... my friends are waiting for me so, if my Dad asks, just tell him I'm at Eleanor's.

Nate: Wait...

[Insert peer pressure here]

Jenny: Nate, what are you doing here?
Nate: Jenny, what are you doing here? Come on, get your stuff, let's go.
Jenny: No!
Agnus: [To Jenny] That is so sweet! Sweetie, I told you he liked you! [To Max] I totally called that one!
Max: Yeah, you did.

Jenny: I'm not leaving with you.
Nate: [Sitting down] Then I can wait.
Jenny: Fine.

Jenny: How could you do that to me?!
Nate: What are you talking about?! You're lucky I showed up when I did! That was a bad scene, Jenny.
Jenny: No, it wasn't. We were dancing around in our underwear, not making a porno!
Nate: Not yet, anyway!

Jenny: No, no ever! I would never let myself get into a situation like that. I know what I'm doing, Nate!
Nate: I know you think you do but that guy was taking advantage of you!
Jenny: Right, you are not my father and you are not my brother, so why do you care so much?!
Nate: Because.
[Jenny leans in and kisses Nate]

[A mortified Jenny tries to run away but Nate catches her by the arm]

Gossip Girl: But I'll confess, every once in a while, a girl craves her fairy tale ending. So sleep tight little kiddies, it looks like Little J got her happily ever after.

Notes

- This pic!spam was made for picspammy's latest challenge, because that community is my newest obsession.

- All the caps were taken by me. If you want to make icons/graphics/whatever, please find your own. The one's above have been edited in PS for the purpose of this picspam.

- Whose up for a part town in the form of 209? Hmm?

Nobody's answering their phones and my roommates suck and I just need to get this off my chest

hide_r — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 21:00:55 GMT

From the moment I found out that the fucked up federal aid system was changing my Expected Family Contribution (EFC) from $1,000 to $4,700, I knew it was going to be really hard for me to stay in school. Because of my family's status at the poverty level, our mountain of debt, and the fact that Columbia is ridiculously expensive, it was hard to come at all. Now that all of those problems have just gotten worse and my grants have been taken away and my loans have been lowered, I'm essentially fucked.

I'm eighteen years old, I don't have any credit for a private loan. My mom doesn't even qualify for the federal PLUS loan. Toe's not an American citizen. My grandparents already loaned me money for this year. I don't have anybody else.

From the moment I got that stupid news, I figured out there was only a small chance for me to stay. If and only if I got the full time job as an Orientation Leader, a part-time job that would work around the former, the $4,000 Rubin scholarship, a buyer for our house in Indiana, an apartment with cheap rent, and a roommate, I might be able to stay in Chicago and at Columbia. So long as Mom and Toe could continue to live with his friends until they get married in December, there was a glimmer of hope.

I got the scholarship.
I got the OL job.
I'm thisclose to a job at Best Buy.
I'm thisclose to having a roommate and a moderately priced apartment.

I was actually started to believe that things might work out for once.

Then one of the Burmese bitches that my Mom and Toe are staying with in Wisconsin decides she hates my mom. According to her, Burmese people like Toe shouldn't be with people like her because she's white. Toe's allowed to stay but my mom has to get out immediately.

And all of the dreams I ever had when down the toilet because of a pathetic attempt at racism.

I willing to work 65 hours a week all summer. I'm more than happy to go to school full-time and work 30 hours a week while living in a shithole with someone I don't like. I'm perfectly content having no money to speak of and living off of Ramen. I just want my fucking degree.

I know I'm not the nicest person ever but WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS CRAP?! Honestly?! What has my family done to warrant all of this? My mom is the strongest person I've ever met and, even though she still carries around the scars (and the FUCKING HERPES) my Dad gave her, she always stays positive. Toe is the hardest worker I've ever seen, he works seven days a week and treats me like I'm his real daughter, never once complaining.

My whole life has been this roller coaster and I just need to get off the ride already. I'm not asking for anything to be easy. I'm just asking for things to work for once.

I hate my biological father. I hate that he has my college fund when he doesn't even need it and it would literally make my life. I hate that he's an alcoholic asshole and that, even though he's the most horrible person I've ever known, he's always the one to get breaks. And most of all, I hate that he's been out of my life for over nine months, but his influence still controls my life.

He didn't want me to live in Chicago or go to Columbia and now he's got his wish. His ex-wife is miserable and his little girl is going to be homeless as of May 16. I hope he's happy.

hide_r — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 19:59:06 GMT

One step forward. Twelve steps back.

Story of my life.

[FICTION] Sticks & Stones (And Glass Homes) - FNL, Tim/Julie

hide_r — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 17:19:40 GMT

Sticks & Stones (And Glass Homes)
Pairing/Character: Tim/Julie (illusions to Matt/Julie, Tyra/Landry, and Santiago/Julie)
Prompt: This glass house is burning down. You light the match, I'll stick around.
Rating: PG-13 / Word Count: 3,371

Story Notes: This takes place during the gang’s senior year because everyone but Jason is the same age. It is AU after season one in a couple ways that are pretty self explanatory. Basically, Julie never fell for the lifeguard. Matt was the one who ended things and she was the one who did the falling apart.

Author's Notes: Some of you have been subjected to my ranting and bitching about an epic Tim/Julie fic that I've been writing for years. This is that fic. I finally sucked it up and cut out a lot of unimportant stuff (that might be posted as outtakes later) and now I've reached a point where I'm more or less happy with it. I would love any feedback you have for me. Seriously, it would make you my favorite person ever.

I’m sitting in my glass house
While your ghost is sleeping down the hall

- - - - -
You go to the party because it’s been a month and you’re sick of people still looking at you like they do, labeling you with appraising eyes.

Your mom’s too busy fussing over your sister to worry about you, your dad has no clue what to do in the situation, and everybody at schools looks at you with sympathizing glances or outright smirks (depending on the person). You were never supposed to get Matt in the first place so, in most minds, you deserve being dumped on your ass. Out of the blue. Everyone always wondered what he saw in you and now they don’t have to. (Because he apparently stopped seeing it.)

You roll your eyes more than usual, take up scowling, and vow to never date another football player again.

As his rough palm slides up your thighs a week later, you remember that promise briefly. In the end, you write it off on a technicality since dating isn’t exactly what you’re doing with this particular football player and your dad has kicked him off the team so many times that he’s spent more time off it than on.

Eventually, the battle inside your head gets pushed to the back of your mind like his fingers push aside the panties under your skirt. His hand and his mouth work in tandem and together they make you decide not to care anymore.

- - - - -

Watching the little birds fly
Kamikaze missions into the walls
Think I’m going to stay in today
Sit on the couch and watch them fall

- - - - -
It took you over a year (and three attempts) to finally sleep with Matt.

It takes four parties in a span of two and a half weeks for you to give it up to Tim.

At first it’s just making out in the bathroom when no one is looking. Then it’s his hand up your skirt or yours down his pants and, before you know it, you’re naked in a stranger’s bedroom with no desire to stop things from progressing.

- - - -
You’re more alike than you originally thought but not similar enough for the two of you to ever make any sense.

The old you would’ve made lists in your head, spent countless hours debating pros and cons, weighing options, and scaring yourself shitless, but the new you doesn’t do any of that. Instead, you just pour yourself another drink as you glance around the smoke-and-sweat-drenched room, eventually spotting him by the staircase.

You don’t even look at him when you pass him, letting your looped fingers around his wrist say everything that needs to be said as they discreetly tug and pull.

You drink a little, he drinks a lot, it doesn’t really matter, because you both end up shit faced and in exactly the same place (someone else’s bed).

When you wake up, he’s still there, and that shocks you more than ending up there in the first place.

- - - -

Life keeps getting harder
And it just keeps getting harder to hide
The darker it is around me
The easier it is to see inside

- - - -
It might be the fact that he’s not your first, or maybe it’s because you’re not really dating him, but things are a lot easier (and better) with Tim.

You think maybe you should regret losing your virginity to Matt after how the two of you ended, but you don’t, not really. Losing your virginity to Matt months ago means that you’re no stranger to sex anymore. Somehow, that makes you feel better about completely throwing your morals out the window.

That and the fact that you saw a rally girl throw her arms around Matt’s neck and lay one on him in the middle of the hallway the other day.

- - - - -

Outside the glass
The whole world is magnified
And its half an inch
From here to the other side

- - - - -
Tyra stands you up yet again for a reason that is probably Landry-related (a pattern long since made).

Her constant promise-breaking on the grounds that it’s super important has gotten annoying and you snap at the blonde harsher than you mean to. But instead of apologizing, you hang up on her with an angry jab of your finger on end. Because, as far as you’re concerned, that’s what it is (the end).

But you don’t tell your mother that.

Instead, you gladly take the alibi and the short walk to the unfamiliar neighborhood and find his house by finding his truck. He smirks when he opens the door, his lean frame relaxing against the door jam, but you just shrug your shoulders in response and muster up all your courage to take the beer hanging from his hand when you walk past him.

- - - - -
The first time you sleep with Tim without either of you being drunk, you leave directly after.

Without the alcohol, you’re left with only yourself to blame and that’s what you continue to do. Over and over again.

It’s too late to take it back. (You’re not sure you want to and that’s the scary part.)

- - - - -

I guess that push has come to this
So I guess this must be shove
But before you throw those stones at me
Tell me, what is your house made of?

- - - - -
It comes out eventually, as you knew it would. No one can keep a secret in Dillon and the Taylor family mine as well be the First family for all the times their name comes up in the gossip circles. Someone was bound to spot the two of you eventually. You’re just surprised that it doesn’t blow up faster than it does, and even more so that Matt is the one to call you on it.

He’s said less than five words to you since I can’t do this anymore, and he’s looked at you even less than that, but suddenly he’s a concerned friend again. So when he corners you outside your dad’s office with his reasons, you tell him to butt out because it’s none of his business.

You try to ignore the words that come out of his mouth in mumbled patterns but you can feel your skin boiling under the heat of his accusations. It makes you snap at him fast and mean and as soon as the words are out, you want to take them back. You don’t though, because you’re too shocked by your own voice (one that even you don’t recognize).

The look in his eyes confirms that he doesn’t either.

(I feel like I don’t even know you anymore...)

His voice is sad and pathetic, just like it always used to be, and you hate him for playing the victim when he’s the one that broke you.

(That’s because you don’t... and maybe you never really did.)

You keep yourself from looking back at him as you walk away but, when you reach the end of the hall, you can’t resist a small peak out of the corner of your eye.

He’s already gone and you wish you weren’t disappointed that he gave up so easily.

- - - - -
Matt doesn’t try to talk to you again and, not long after, Tyra stops even attempting to make plans with you. By the way her eyes avoid you in the hallway, you’re sure she knows. Matt was sure to have told Landry, who was sure to have passed the news along now that the two of them seem to be attached at the hip. It only means that there are three more people ignoring you. (You would start a list if there was enough paper in all of Dillon.)

Your isolation shouldn’t sting but it does. As much as you’d like to believe otherwise, what you’ve wanted all along was for someone to not give up on you. Instead, you keep pushing people away and they let you. They leave you behind without a second glance because you’re easily replaceable.

Matt has his new girlfriend. Landry and Tyra have each other. Your parents have Gracie.

It’s not about anyone hating you or ignoring you, not really. It’s about the fact that nobody seems to miss you when they’re doing either.

- - - - -

And if you think you know what I’m doing wrong
You’re gonna have to get in line
But for the purposes of this song
Lets just say I’m doing fine
I guess I’m doing fine

- - - - -
Eventually one of them opens their mouth. Matt, Landry, Tyra, you’re not sure which one but it doesn’t really matter in the long run. What matters is that the people at school have stopped ignoring you and have went back to whispering (and exaggerating).

There’s mention of your thing with Tim, but also equally slutty things with Matt, Landry, and half of your father’s defensive line. (According to the girl in the third floor bathroom, Little Julie Taylor’s dropping her panties for anything in a letterman’s jacket.) Worse yet, someone tattled something to your mom and your parents have started to suspect that going to Lois’s has been code for going to get drunk and laid for months now.

You come home to the two of them arguing in the living room and you sit down without being told because you have a good idea what’s coming. You don’t bother to state your case, or even deny anything and that shocks them more than the crimes themselves, you think.

Your mom’s giving you that look (like she just can’t quite believe what she’s seeing) and your dad’s actually made it to a point you never thought he would (the one where he can’t even bring himself to scream).

You don’t argue when they send you to your room because you agree with everything they said. You can’t believe yourself either. (It’d be a lot easier if you did.) These days, you hate what you’ve turned into. You hate all the these things you’ve done and the things you’ve said to the people you used to love.

Most of all, you hate that when you’re parents are fast asleep, you still sneak out of your bed and into his.

- - - - -

Trapped in my glass house
A crowd has been gathering outside since dawn
I make a pot of coffee
While catastrophe awaits me out on the lawn
Think I’m going to stay in today
And pretend like I don’t know what’s going on

- - - - -
Tim quits the football team because it’s easier that way.

He mentions it one night when you’ve snuck out of your house and the two of you are reenacting what you’ve started to call the Grand Canyon. His arms are folded behind his head and you’re curled on your side with your back to him, the sheet wrapped tightly around you, as you stay as close to your edge as possible.

The sound of his voice makes you turn to look at him and, even though his gaze is directed towards the ceiling, you can see the sadness in his eyes. It surprises you but you don’t ask him about it because that would be talking about feelings and just the thought of opening that door digs a pit of fear in your stomach.

You don’t want to know whether he’d answer or not (and what either would mean).

- - - - -
You’ve never seen yourself as anything other than another Lyla (another girl to sleep with, another girl to piss off Tyra, another way to lose a friend) so it doesn’t really surprise you when he joins you during your lunch time quarantine. What does surprise you is that he refuses to leave when you tell him to.

(Done made that mistake once, ain’t makin’ it again, he mumbles halfway through his hamburger.)

And you realize that you’re more disgusted by the way he chows down his food than you are by him anymore.

(It makes you wonder how long it will be before you stop being disgusted by him at all.)

- - - - -
The two of you become a new sort of something, one that’s built around a tentative friendship and having sex on a regular basis.

He ignores the topics that he knows you don’t want to talk about and you put up with a couple hours of Sports Center a week in return. It’s a good system but sometimes it makes you nervous when you let yourself think about it (something you try to avoid).

You start pretending that you haven’t grown attached to his presence.

You tell yourself it doesn’t mean anything when the two of you hang out and don’t have sex.

(You also lie to yourself on a regular basis.)

- - - - -
Your car breaks down one night on the way home from work and you’re dialing his cell before you even realize what you’re doing.

Later, you’ll rationalize it by telling yourself that he was the only logical choice. Your dad was at football practice, your mom was with the volleyball team, Sherri wasn’t around anymore, and it’s not like you have any friends left. Plus, he knows enough about cars to get you back on the road and home safe.

It doesn’t mean anything that you’ve started to rely on him, because you haven’t. (Maybe you have a little.)

- - - - -

Yeah, I guess that push has come to this
So I guess this must be shove

- - - - -
You’re carefully constructed Wall of Denial comes crashing down all around you on a Wednesday.

You’re on your way to English and taking a route you just recently discovered. It’s quicker and less crowded (and the fact that it makes you walk by Tim’s locker has nothing at all to do with it). But this time, instead of a wink or a smirk, you’re met with the sight of him pushing some Rally Girl up against a locker and laying one on her for everyone to see.

At least five Mississippi's later, they’re still attached at the mouth and you’re finally able to unstick your legs from the floor long enough to flee the hallway.

You’re late to English class and you’re back to not even caring.

- - - - -
Apparently you’re not as good of an actress as you thought. A kid in your English class taps you on the shoulder and asks if you’re okay, his voice full of hesitation like he’s scared of your response.

You give him a small smile and tell him that you’re fine even though you’re definitely not and that’s what pisses you off more than Tim swapping spit (and possibly an STD of the mouth) with some stupid rally girl. You weren’t suppose to care about him and he wasn’t suppose to care about you.

(You hate that you are the one who broke the rules. Because as much as you hate to admit it, a part of you had started thinking that he did care about you for reasons other than sex.)

In the end, the kid either buys what you’re selling or decides to play along for your sake (you really hope it’s the former but are betting on the later) because he gives you a half smile and a nod.

He introduces himself as Santiago but when you tell him your own name, he just lets out a little laugh and smiles.

(I know.)

- - - - -

And if you think you know what I’m doing wrong
You’re gonna half to get in line

- - - - -
Avoiding him is easier than you expected and, after a week of it, you’re kind of relieved at how easy it is. When it comes down to it, all it takes to cut him out of your life is skipping parties and not showing up at his apartment uninvited.

He can’t very well call your house or knock on the front door, after all. (That would just confirm your parents suspicions and even Tim Riggins doesn’t have that big of a death wish.) Calling you is out because your parents only let you use your cell phone when you’re driving to and from work and it’s kind of a comforting feeling, being able to determine your own fate for once. In fact, you’ve just started to relax and fool yourself into thinking it’s really over when he finds a way around all of that and effortlessly throws you off your axis.

You’re sitting at the desk in you room, finishing your Calculus homework, when you hear it. The rap tap tap on the window pane is loud enough that it’s impossible to miss inside the small space but instead of turning around to face him, you ignore it. You put on your headphones and turn up the volume loud enough that he can probably hear it through the window.

When you finally get up the courage to look over shoulder ten minutes later, there’s no sign of him ever being there.

- - - - -
It’s a week after his unexpected visit to your window that he finally tracks you down.

You’ve been in the girls bathroom for ten minutes, sitting on the counter and eating your sandwich, when the last of the pre-lunch rush lets the door close behind them. Not thirty seconds later he’s storming in and catching you mid-bite of your peanut butter and jelly.

He waltzes in like he has just as much of a right to be there as you do and, after a moment, you realize you really shouldn’t be surprised, just grateful that he waited for everyone else to leave first.

- - - - -
After your fight with Tim, you sprinkle hot water on your face, mess up your hair, and take on a generally disheveled appearance as you knock on the door to your mother’s office. The sight of you erases the anger lines you’ve seen on her for weeks and she buys your sick act hook, line, and sinker.

You spend the rest of the day laying in bed, wishing it would be just as easy to convince your parents that home school would be a better option than Dillion High, home of one ex-boyfriend, one ex-fuck buddy, and way too many ex-friends to count.

School may be out for good in a month but you’re not sure how you’re going to face him in the hallways, not after the words you said. Not after the look you saw in his eyes before he walked out.

You tell yourself you don’t care if he hates you. (Not a single part of you believes it.)

- - - - -

But for the purposes of this song
Lets just say I’m doing fine
I think I’m doing fine

- - - - -
When Santiago asks you out, you say yes because it’s the right answer.

You’re surprised when your parents let you go but, then again, their knowledge of your fall semester is limited. As far as they know, you’ve been faithfully obeying their mandated grounding and living by their strict rules, all without one word of protest.

Your mom tells you that she’s glad you’re growing up and to have fun.

Your dad says you better plan on an early movie because your curfew is ten.

Santiago takes his advice and the two of you go to a movie at the same theater Matt took you too, only it goes a hell of a lot smoother than your first real date. The movie’s actually good, dinner is free of awkward silences, and the quiet walk home is pretty much perfect.

He's pretty much perfect, nearly everything you’ve ever wanted in a guy.

He’s nice in the form of quiet agreements and sly compliments. His sweetness isn’t overdone but can easily be found in opened doors and good manners, which you hadn’t seen coming. Most of all, he actually cares what you think. (Sometimes he tells a story about his life before Dillon and you can tell by the way he watches your from the corner of his eye that he’s afraid of your reaction.)

He never once stutters.

Or leers.

You pretend that something’s not missing as you slip your hand into his.

this? is me avoiding homework

hide_r — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 04:43:15 GMT

01. ZOMG I'M SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING DORM INTERNET. It keeps dying out of nowhere. And always just as I have really important assignments to finish/things to do. I should not have to camp out at Panera to do my homework.

02. As far as the rest of life goes, it's as a chaotic as ever. I'm finally working on finalizing my academic plan and, in an ideal world, I will graduate with an interdisciplinary degree in Interactive Media and Creative Non-Fiction, with a minor in Gender Studies. I'm pretty confident in my decision because, even though it sounds really specific, it's actually very broad career-wise, so there's the option to do a lot of different things. Since it's a specialized degree however, I have to map out the next three years, apply to the board, and then meet with three different department heads to present my plan for approval. So far so good. Even though I'm probably not going to be at Columbia next year, I'll at least be on the right track when I am able to come back.

03. Speaking of, still no plan for next year. If I can get my federal grants back, and if I can find a roommate and cheap rent and if I get the $4,000 Rubin scholarship, and if I can find a part-time job that will work around my full-time on campus job this summer, then I might be able to stay in school. Maybe. More likely, I'll be going to city college part time. I've also been thinking about going to beauty school. I could get my certification in a year and that would allow me to support myself a bit better financially, and it's always something I've wanted to do. (Back when I thought there was no way I was going to college, I considered making that my full time career.) So I obviously haven't worked out the details. All I know is that I want to stay in the city and I have to be enrolled at least part-time in some sort of higher education so I don't have to start paying back my federal student loans.

04. As far as the job front goes: The good news is that I did get an on campus job for this summer! About 200 people apply to be an Orientation Leader ever year and only 20 people get it. You have to write essays, go to a group interview, have a high GPA, etc and I got it!! I'll be leading new student orientations, helping freshman register for classes, giving campus tours, etc about forty hours a week for six weeks so it's pretty sweet. I should be getting roughly $2,250 total (about $10/hr). Now I just need to find a part-time job that I can do until then, during, and afterward. Since the OL position is Mon-Thur from 7:30-5:30, I need something that will let me work nights and weekends. Working 65+ hours a week would probably make me want to shoot myself by the end of it BUT I WOULD HAVE RENT. And money for some sort of schooling. So, for the love of God, LiveJournal, and Joss Whedon, please keep your fingers crossed that I get a call back! It would really be a life saver.

05. I am going to be so pissed if Kings get canceled. Really. If you're not watching, you should be. Like right now. It's amazing and one of the best new dramas I've watched in years... and I watch a shitload of television. Seriously. (I only talk about like 30% of it on here.)

This show is beyond amazing. Every time they start a plot line that I suspect is going to get annoying, they wrap it off perfectly (or not so perfectly as the cast may be). I expected to be a Jack kind of girl, but I'm loving David. Normally the good boys bore me but I actually really like the character, though I'll admit that Jack is fascinating. I hate that everyone is pitting the two of them against each other, whether they realize it or not.

The jury's still out on the sister. If it wasn't for her super-sekrit vow, I'd be completely indifferent to her existence. As it stands, I can support her and David together so long as they don't fall into the usual trap of back-and-forth-until-we-all-want-to-kill-them. Judging by the show so far, I don't think that will be a problem but ya never know.

Also, SO FUCKING PRETTY. Seriously. This is one of those shows where they line up really symbolic shots so perfectly that I'm like "Ooh! That would make a great icon!" as it I watch lol.

06. I kind of become addicted to CSI: Miami. DO NOT JUDGE ME. (Or use this as a reason to write off my judgment and not watch Kings, WHICH YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING.) I kind of like Eric/Callie, even though the latter used to annoy the fuck out of me when I would catch reruns. Her ex is fucking smoking though. He's got that hot Joaquin Phoenix thing going on. Plus, he may be an undercover cop, but he's a total bad boy at the same time.

07. Party Down was really disappointing. Despite my love for the cast, I found it to be boring overall and I felt like a lot of the interaction was really forced. I'm probably going to end up breaking my three-episode rule and giving up after having just wanted the pilot.

08. Castle on the other hand was even better than I expected it to be and, while it's not the most original thing ever, I will definitely continue watching it. I'm kind of indifferent to the lady cop but her relationship with Castle is entertaining, and Castle himself is made of win. Nathan Fillion is as charming as ever and we all know that I'm a sucker for the one-liners. Quote of the week: "No, hiding would be building a fortress out of my comforter and then downing a fifth of scotch but apparently that's considered unhealthy." The runner-up was "Dead body? Yes!" but it's just not the same when you can't see the gleeful expression.

09. I have about forty-five minutes worth of homework due in nine hours and I actually want to fit eating and sleeping in as well so LATER.

10. Kudos if you made it through this entry.

I reeeeeally hate the new Facebook, FYI.

hide_r — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 03:52:56 GMT

01. Real life can be summed up in one word: Busy. All five of my classes were brutal this week since I was sick last week and fell behind. I had both of the previously mentioned job interviews, both went pretty well and I should know something by early next week. (Keep those fingers crossed! My desperation has hit an all time high.) My intern group at Time Out Chicago was also the perfect example of stupidity when we scheduled four events this week, in addition to our weekly meeting. *bangs head on desk* One was at a Blackhawks game (the Chicago hockey team) and it went well, I got two free $50 hoodies and a meal out of the deal. Tonight we're working Cinema Slapdown, an on-campus event where they show a 'controversial' movie (last month was Juno, tonight is The Passion of the Christ) and there's a referee and two speakers that debate the film. Tomorrow we're working Columbia's big Open House (yah for overwhelmed high schoolers!). Combined with a bunch of general errands/appointments/scholarship crap, this week was kind of one big ball of stress. Plus, I have two midterms, two papers, one big project, and a bunch of reading to do before class on Monday. Kill. Me. Now.

02. This whole two-year renewal trend kind of makes my life. I may be new to The Big Bang Theory but even I know that show deserves to stick around for another 44 episodes. Now if only we could get the final word on Friday Night Lights. I may have adored the finale but I would still kill for a renewal. So what if each season is only twelve episodes, it would still be twenty-two more episodes of awesomness!

03. On a related note, despite my lack of love for Lyla, I really like Minka Kelly so I'm psyched for her new show. The plot doesn't sound that interesting but I really hope it gets picked up because I already want to ship Minka/Jason Dohring like whoa. They would be so pretty! Plus, I really don't think she should be included in a fourth season of Friday Night Lights, should it get renewed. I'd much rather her get a closing arc/happy ending at college.

04. The current challenge at choco_cherries ends this weekend and we've only had two entries. So write!

05. I've been anxiously waiting for the first candids of Krysten filming Gossip Girl so I was thrilled to find these when I got home from my advising appointment yesterday. (Oh, 80s fashion.) I only hope there are more to come.

06. Tyler Shields photographs a lot of random celebrities I like so I've seen his site before but I'm loving all of the Brittany/Shiloh stuff. I'm dying to ship them, already!

07. LOL @ Chace/Leighton. Those two are adorable and sooo drunk. Poor Stan just has to lurk in the background because he's not as ~famous~ as Anthony Anderson.

08. ZACH GILFORD NEEDS TO HAVE MY BABIES. For realz. That shit is adorable. AND I WILL TOTALLY "ROPE AND RIDE" JESSE PLEMONS, if you know what I mean ;) I kind of love how he sits on his hands and calls Adrianne a freak of nature. Gah, I really need to make a point to watch Chelsea Lately more. That woman is full of batshit awesome.

09. I hate to be a shameless whore but I'm still selling a lot of my television boxed sets here. There are about twelve seasons left and they're all going for $10. BTW, the three of you who already paid are getting them sent out first thing tomorrow ;)

10. I really wish all the roommates and their friends would leave. Nobody is being exceptionally annoying, but they're all loud and I could use a quit room to myself right now so I could get some work done. It kind of sucks sharing a room, especially when your roommates has a boyfriend. Though I guess it's better than being sexiled for six hours (like I was Wednesday night).

Yes, I'm aware this entry was pretty pointless.

i hope they give you hell

hide_r — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 17:31:17 GMT

01. I am back at home for the last time. I just had to get away for a couple of days. My roommates and their grossness was driving me crazy and school is really stressing me out because I'm pretty sure I'm having an early quarter-life crisis. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. Now. Please? Because I think I picked the wrong major and wasted lots of money and have no idea what I'm doing anymore and I really really hate this feeling. Fuck. Am I just one big basket case lately, or what?

02. An on campus job in the fiction department opened up this week so I applied, even though my chances are pretty slim. Then I got a call back from a firm in the financial district. I had submitted my application over a month ago but now they want to interview me during my break on Monday. I really ~~want~~ need a job ASAP. I also officially put my application in to be an Orientation Leader, which is a really competitive summer position at school that's fun and pays well. Everybody please send prayers/crossed appendages/good vibes/hopes/etc my way on both counts.

03. I have to spend all day sorting through all of my stuff, packing and deciding what to get rid of. The house isn't sold yet but it's going to sit here empty after Mom moves to Madison next week. She's going to stay with Toe where he's staying now, which is with his best friend Michael and a bunch of other Burmese people. They have the refurnished basement to themselves, which is nice but still very small. And if I manage to somehow stay in Chicago next year, I'll be splitting a one room studio that's only about 500 square feet. Obviously we're going to have to get a storage unit for furniture and some stuff but space is going to still going to be very limited. It's so hard picking what to get rid of!! I'm doing really well giving up a lot of my stuff but it's still hard. I'm too sentimental. Ugh.

04. WAY TO KILL THE FUN, SCIENTIST DUDES.

05. Which brings me to my next point... We're selling tons of stuff in a yard sale next month but I figured I'd give you guys first dibs on the good stuff.

* All of the DVDs are $10 plus shipping (which I will calculate when I get your zipcode).
* They are all in perfect condition, some are still in the shrink wrap even.

American Dreams: Season One
Entourage: Season One
Entourage: Season Two
~~Entourage: Season Three, Pt One~~
~~Gilmore Girls: Season Five~~
Instant Star: Season Two
The OC: Season One
The OC: Season Two
The OC: Season Three
One Tree Hill: Season One
~~One Tree Hill: Season Two~~
One Tree Hill: Season Three
~~Pushing Daisies: Season One~~
Smallville: Season Six
Tru Calling: Season One
Tru Calling: Season Two

This is going to my Help Hider Stay in School With a Roof Over Her Head Fund so if you happen to know of anyone who might like to buy any of the sets, please link them to this post :)

06. I am so psyched for the new Gossip Girl spin off! I think the name (Lily) is kind of lame but whatever. The cast is turning out great. I would have automatically tuned in for Krysten and Brittany but all this other casting news has me so excited!! I really hope all the rumored casting becomes official because I'm liking everybody mentioned. Especially Ryan!! I would love to be able to ship him and Krysten's characters again. (I think I was one of the few Dick/Gia fans out there.) Is it May 11th yet?!

07. Speaking of Gossip Girl, I'm so ready for it return like now. I've been impatiently waiting and trying to ease the pain by reading excessive amounts of bad!fic. Is it just me or is good fic featuring anyone other than Chuck/Blair as the main characters seriously lacking? There needs to be more good UC/secondary character fic.

08. Fic recs of the day: Dirty Pretty Things, a two-part Dan/Blair/Chuck fic that's amazing and comes with an adorable Eric/Jenny zombie!spin-off called The Far Canadian North. Oh, and the sequel to Can't Stay Away and Ashes and Ice is now in progress!!! It's called This Love, This Hate.

09. There's a new challenge at choco_cherries :)

10. And now I'm going to get ready for lunch with my Grandma! (I'm so excited! I call her every week but haven't actually gotten to see her since November!!) Afterward we're suppose to dye Easter eggs (WTF Grandma?! lol) before I come back here and continue my packing (yuck).

I'M DYING. TRUE STORY. Only not really.

hide_r — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 23:49:06 GMT

01. This week has been one of those weeks where I'm so overwhelmed and dissatsified that I feel like I'm letting everyone down, including myself. I hate my classes and have no interest in any of the subject material... which is a problem because 4 of the 5 are directly related to my major. As a result, it's making me rethink my whole plan. Not only can I not afford to do that, but every time I do I think of how close May 16th really is. Moving day just keeps getting closer and closer and I have no idea what state I'm going to be in, much less what I'll be doing. I hate money. I hate the financial aid system. I hate that everything in my life is such a high wire act. It's ridiculous and I'm sick on top of it so the fact that I cannot breathe IS NOT HELPING. *huffs*

02. Moving on... Bacolicio is the most pointless and/or amusing thing to happen to me all week... except when Erin used me as a human jungle gym yesterday. (She's decided that when she can't come up with a comeback to my sarcastic comments, she's just going to hurl her 90 pound body at me and start climbing... which is surprisingly efficient.)

03. Our dishwasher takes like an hour and a half to do one load. Which is annoying because my roommates are slobs who never do the dishes. I'll go to make something but the skillet/pot/whatever will be disgusting so I'll have to unload the clean dishes, reload the dishwasher, and wait for it to wash before I can make dinner. THIS IS WHY I SNACK ON CRAP INSTEAD OF EATING REAL FOOD. Only seventy-eight days until I'm out of here... which is also incredibly sad because, well, I don't know if I'll be able to come back (see number one).

04. I need fan fiction recommendations. Real bad. Please? I'm not so much in a slashy mood but anything else is fine by me. You guys know my fandoms and I love the random.

05. I know this entry is like blah blah mope and moan but my sick brain really does not have anything else to say. *sighs* So go read epic fic instead. And random fic.

ETA: I forgot huge life-altering news. I think I'm delirious. Anyway! MY MOTHER AND TOE ARE GETTING MARRIED! She went to see him in Madison this weekend, he proposed (again) and she (finally) accepted!! They're getting married on the beach on New Years Eve. My grandparents have a condo there and it's going to be super low key, with just six people total.

ETA2: And my mom just called. She got a job in Madison! Which... is great, just a little sad. She's moving in with Toe (and the Burmese family he's staying with) at the end of the month because they can live there free. Hopefully our house will sell by the end of the year and they can get an apartment at some point.

no subject.

hide_r — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 06:24:49 GMT

I did not die. I SWEAR. I have been reading (and occasionally commenting) on my flist, I've just been a little all over the place lately (as always). Forgive me? UMKTHNX.

I'm not even going to try and explain all that has happened in the last few weeks. I will say that this is still an ongoing battle but I may(!) have found a solution... albeit a very drastic one. I'm going to keep it to myself until I'm sure it's happening, because otherwise I may just be opening myself up to a bunch of unnecessary criticism. In fact, I'm keeping all my real life drama to myself at the moment because I just don't feel like hashing out. So, moving on!

Things that have made me happy in the last 48(ish) hours:

01. I started watching The Big Bang Theory on a whim and, while I don't think I'm going to become obsessed anytime soon, it really is hilarious. Though I'm totally shipping Penny with Sheldon instead of Leonard.

02. A certain someone off the flist is about to take a certain career field by storm and asked me to design her official website! (Could I be anymore vague? Yes, yes I could.) *is excited*

03. http://www.fuckyeahneilpatrickharris.com/

04. I would love to see Spider-man on Broadway, especially with those two playing Peter Parker and Mary Jane.

05. I got to see my mom today! She went to visit Toe in Wisconsin for the weekend and, since Chicago is on the way, she stopped by! She also brought a shitload of food (and I do mean tons) so I should be set for a while. Score! She also took me and Blair out to eat at our favorite cafe. Double score! I get to see her again on Sunday on her way back through! And she's bringing homemade sushi and spring rolls courtesy of Toe! Yummy in my tummy! *dances*

06. I went to a drag show at a shoe store tonight. (There's an unexpected sentence for ya.) A guy in Erin's improv class does impersonation/drag for extra money and he did a Rhianna number at an upscale shoe store on State St. It was epic! And impressive.

Things that did not bring the happy:

07. You know your walls are thin when you can hear the person next door sneezing.

08. Dear Chicago: It hasn't hardcore rained in weeks and you choose today or all days to start pouring down when I'm in the middle of a million errands? Really?! Epic fail, man. Epic.

09. My friends from high school were supposed to come up for girl time this weekend until, one by one, they all bailed for really bullshit reasons. It's incredibly irritating.

Things the jury is still out on:

10. Brittany Snow as Lily, Really? I can't decide how I feel about it. On one hand, she's a terrific actress who is made of awesome, I adore her. On the other, she physically does not seem like a good fit for a young Kelly Rutherford. Plus, I'm sure the role will open up a lot of doors for her, but she's been kicking ass in her recent indie roles and she headlined two big movies last year, a CW spin-off seems kind of like a step down to me. I can't wait to see her and Krysten together though. I have a feeling those two are going to kick ass together.

One step forward. Ten steps back.

hide_r — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:23:56 GMT

My mom cashed out her whole retirement fund to send me to school for one semester and it was all for nothing. According to the government, it doesn't matter that she used every dime of it for my tuition and that we have the paperwork and 1079 form to prove it. It counted as an income and has therefore royally screwed me over.

It doesn't matter that we spent half of 2008 on food stamps. They don't care that Toe spent most of the year unemployed and (on paper) still is. They don't care that we're up to our ears in debt and are about to lose our house. Because there isn't a way to explain to the IRS that we have to come up with a thousand bucks by the end of the year so Toe doesn't have to go back to fucking Burma! There's no way for you to tell them that half of your food comes from the shelter or that you've been selling off your shit to pay bills! Their bills in fact! The state of Indiana is charging my mom tax on that retirement money and that's $1,100 she owes before she can get her $500 federal refund. But none of this matters. All they care about is that my mom's adjusted gross income is over the limit.

So all of my grants, 'supplementary assistance,' and need-based scholarships I worked off my butt off for? Gone. And since no one in my family can qualify for the PLUS loan or co-sign a private loan, I'm screwed.

It was going to be hard enough for me to stay next year anyway, there was no way I was going to find ten grand in scholarships, but now that I need twenty grand? Fuck that. Have they seen the economy lately?!

Worse yet, when I drop out of school and start working, I won't even be able to save the money for school. I'll have to start paying back the $10,000 I owe the federal government (plus the $7,000 I owe my grandparents. FUN.

I can feel all of my dreams and goals going up in smoke, guys. I just... I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm just so sick of fighting for every inch just to have six more taken away. I'm not getting anywhere and I'm just so sick of it. All I wanna do is curl up in a ball and cry. That's all I have been doing and I hate myself for it! It's not helping but I honestly don't even know what to do to help.

I just want something, anything, to be easy for once in my life.

hide_r — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 23:21:41 GMT

As much as I love running fanlistings, I really hate the approval process sometimes. It's not that I think there's a better way, because there's probably not, but sometimes it really sucks. Normally I'm really bummed when I get denied but I can believe there's a bigger fan out there. This time I can't.I just got denied for a fanlisting I really wanted and there's no way whoever got approved loves that couple more than me.

If it's a collector who owns twelve different listings from the fandom, I'm going to be mega pissed.

Wow, I'm a bitch. I tooooootally take all that back.

'cause he had sworn not to be what he had before, a remainder

hide_r — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 21:33:38 GMT

01. I'm so glad it's the weekend! While I despise my hectic Mondays but I love that my weekend starts at 11AM on Wednesday. It makes for a chillaxed detox time... though I have a lot of homework and scholarship stuff that I should be working on right now. ~~Maybe later.~~

02. Speaking of Wednesday, I had a date (!) Theodore took me out to lunch and then I went with him to buy textbooks and he walked me home and I invited him up to hang out and it was made of awesome. I really like him, guys. A lot. We're supposed to hang out again soon. *crosses fingers* Also, this probably makes me a horrible person, but I love the fact that my roommates think he's the hottest thing since sliced bread. They met him briefly and as soon as he left, they attacked me about why I hadn't told him he was so hot (I honestly didn't think they'd find him attractive). Apparently, they think he looks like a model (I don't necessarily agree but whatever). Cat told me that if I don't tap that, she will lol.

03. This piece of Gossip Girl casting has me so excited for a spin-off that I couldn't have cared less about a few days ago. I'm more excited about this then when David Anders was cast on Heroes, and I was fucking thrilled when that happened. ZOMG I CAN'T WAIT. I hope the episode rocks and that the spin-off gets picked up!!! The only downside is that that it would probably get a mid-season premiere, which sucks because I'm impatient. BUT YAH FOR KRYSTEN. That girl has so much stuff going on, I luff it.

04. I'm so glad I forgot there was a new Bones last night (and that it was this particular episode) because otherwise I would have been impatiently waiting all week. Instead, I didn't realize it until I saw all the episode thoughts popping up on my flist. It was a much better situation because I can be a lot more patient when I'm only waiting a couple of hours, rather than several days.

Bones
Overall, I was a little unimpressed but I think that's because it would be next to impossible to top Aliens in a Spaceship. I wasn't the biggest fan of the ghost but I think it was an effective way to keep things interesting. Because he was buried alone, there was no way for Booth to explain what he was doing without him sounding like a lunatic talking to himself. (I know he essentially still was but I do think the soldier was a better idea.) Plus, the dude was kind of cool. I liked that he said maybe he was there to keep Booth from repeating his mistake and not telling the woman he loved how he felt about her. I just wish there had been a slightly bigger moment of realization on both Booth and Bones part when they realized they love each other BECAUSE THEY TOTALLY DO.

The Gravedigger's identity was kind of expected in the way that it was someone involved with the case but unexpected in the way that it was a woman. My favorite part of the whole episode was Jared finally stepping up to the plate. Brennan just letting him have it without any sugarcoating was perfect. Totally in character and totally necessary. It was sad that he got arrested and lost his job, I hope something cool works out with that. I'd love to see him around more, if only because I think the character could make for some nice development and I want a more frequent does of Brendan Fehr. And more frequent instances of Bones kicking ass. THE BRIEFCASE PART WAS MADE OF WIN. I really need an animated icon of it that says something ghetto. It would be made of win.

Boo for the rest of the team being kind of boring and lame in this episode. There were no awesome bonding scenes that made me aww like usually.

05. Fic rec(s) of the ~~day~~ week:
• Meet the Parents. If you haven't read Jenn's other Nate/Mac fics (1, 2) you should do that too because they're all delightful and in character and made of win.
• Those Dark Places We Call Home is an awesome Nate fic. I read it because it was posted in the Nate/Jenny community but, while they are a part of it, it's so much more about Nate as a character and his relationship with Chuck and Blair. I love it to pieces.
• Anything at the THE CROSS-A-DRABBLE MEME! It started last week but it's still going strong so join in/leave feedback! Fun! Fun!