Sarsaparilla to Sorcery

missing

hersa — Thu, 09 May 2013 01:18:57 GMT

i miss you a lot. that's really all i have to say. i haven't written in a good week. i haven't actually written, it seems, in a good year. just watched both amy tan and elizabeth gilbert on creativity on tedtalks. watched amy tan's when i was a freshman/soph in high school, it struck me as deep, thought-provoking. but seeing it again, now, it seems a bit too simplistic. too scattered, no real one thought. interesting, of course, as thinking about the meaning of life is interesting, but not as provoking anymore.

gilbert's - a little more sophisticated. she talked about ruth stone's process of creativity, how poetry hits her like a physical force going through her, searching for a vessel, and that when she gets down a poem perfectly, she'd grabbed it by the tail and there it is on the page - backward.

i miss him a lot. does this ache fade? it will; it just seems to never - fade - until i see him again. and these moments are so raw; that's why they carve into my mind and i'm left looking at the remnants.

ai-yi-yi. ai-yi-yi. there is only distracting myself, for now. i'm not the type (at least not yet) to burn things, to throw away everything reminiscent of him. but i understand why people do things like that. because the feeling of missing feels not so much emptiness as negative energy that threatens to destroy your sanity, your happiness. because missing someone is actively digging yourself into a need that cannot be fulfilled. at least not on my part. not for at least another several days. and then what? two weeks of pure bliss. then's it move-out, and i won't see him the rest of summer (and ever? must not think that).

the scene truly paints me as the damsel in distress waiting for her man to sweep her off her feet for marriage after she's finished college. as comforting as this notion is, it's also not appealing to me because of the lack of proactivity on her part. no doubt he'll still be working where he is at now. if by coincidence i end up at the same place as him, then so be it. nothing is for certain, sure, but the thought of relocating after college to wherever he is distresses me. all my life, i've been meeting people who seem to know what they want; he knows that he wants to do something amazing with his life. do i? of course i do. yet also i don't know, because i don't know what that thing would be. do years increase my knowledge of my meaning in life? i hope it does. fresh out of one year of college, i'm filled with this feeling of inadequacy in terms of growing up. i've met people who are much more eloquent, self-possessed, socially versed. all i know is that i fight to be human all the time. i notice things that others tend not to or actively push away. i over-feel. i felt a lot when junot diaz said to me, "Small talk is a muscle that you develop. It takes a long, long time to grow it." so much. these words. so much.

so where am i now? constantly reassessing this won't help, heh. this is merely worry, that's why. it's not productive. but it helps, some. writing about it in my journal then writing again about it here, where words flow out more easily due to the sheer size of text i can type in a small amount of time.

so i miss him. a lot. and i am still learning.

el mundo real

hersa — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 18:53:01 GMT

and i feel like i can conquer the world today.

Wednesday, April 17 2013

Your boss wants action and you are the one to make things happen. Your ideas and thoughts will impress others, especially if you have the power to mold your ideas into a firm plan. Very productive conference calls will draw out the adjustments that need to be made on budgeting or advertising or some other important matter. Fresh challenges and initiatives light your enthusiasm now, as a new cycle begins--there is a powerful urge to be first or to come out on top. Away with the old and on to the new--let nobody and no thing stand between you and your objective! Headstrong impulses and rash courage may create mistakes so pay attention to your motivation. You and your family may talk about a summer vacation.

summer

hersa — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 18:08:49 GMT

it's summer weather. i'm surprised. i miss summer in the surburbs.
getting tan with tennis people. tennis tournaments. alright, so it's march. but this weather and being outside in this weather and doing work outside in this weather makes me miss surburbia so, so much. listening to 80's 90's soft-rock music in the car with the windows down. just sitting there in shorts with oh
bare skin and anything. that. is what i miss. especially sunlight and the back of the car against your bare legs. there is something - not sexy - beautiful about how things feel to bare skin. i'm just a summer girl, reminiscent of the song by leighton meester.
oranges. fruits. barefeet. this is why people go outside and tan. sunlight, after so long of rainy, wet days and staying inside - it's to get dark, sure, but it's twofold. it's to reacquiant yourself with the sun.

and i don't know what i'm doing

hersa — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 22:43:29 GMT

i just did 30 minutes of yoga in my dorm - bunk beds, smallest room in a hallway known for its small rooms.
i'm thinking i have a lot of work to do.
i'm thinking i don't really, but fear of having two days like the past two days impels me to want to do more work.
considering revamping my ipod completely. wiping out all the songs and putting in random new ones. it will force me to listen to more kinds of music.
i don't know what i say. i used to be good at blogging. now i'm a bit better at talking and less good at blogging. are these two skills inversed? i hope not.

not worried for this midterm tomorrow at all

hersa — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 16:03:17 GMT

it's not that i'm good at history because i like it. i've never thought of it, but i use organizational skills, logicking my way through things - memorizing things (which i love and is useful in bio, something i may actually be interested in) - that really help in making it easier to know figures, their dates...b.s.ing, essentially. thank you, ap euro.

hersa — Sat, 22 Sep 2012 03:37:11 GMT

huh? if there's no title u can't edit it? bitch.

all right, this

hersa — Sat, 02 Jun 2012 13:43:27 GMT

is it.
now-10:30 - work on speech
10:30-11:00 - clean room
11:00-11:30 - speech
11:30-12:00 - EXERCISE =)
12:00-12:30 - shower and wash hair
12:30-1:00 - work on speech, if needed
--
By end of day,
ToDlist:
Job application
First draft speech ready
Write!

writing

hersa — Sat, 19 May 2012 14:50:50 GMT

i'm "re-blogging" this from about 300 entries back, if you will :)

wasted time

hersa — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 13:50:42 GMT

sor-ree.
there's no way in f*ck that I am doing NaNo this year. I believe it was (basically) a waste of time all those other years. Good writing does not merely stem from the subconscious. Writing quickly while you are conscious is writing crap. That is, writing quickly to fulfill a word count. That is itself is meaningless. The rush you get the first year after having completed your story is a one-time cheap rush only, and then you see your story.

Tatters of terribly writing, light-years away from the first draft you would have had, had you carefully plotted it out.

Shame.

this is what you told me to do, in gentler terms. dad - dad -

hersa — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 21:35:22 GMT

http://www.colby.edu/geology/RAG_142/howtostudy.html

http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/academic/notes-tips.htm

d a m o d e

hersa — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 18:09:03 GMT

One of my favorite spots in all of Brooklyn. There’s something so magical about this run-down building that looks like it could fall over at any moment… with a bright brand new flag in the door.

I want to buy it and fix it up. But I’d leave the flag as is, obviously.

quitecontinental:

hersa — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 21:19:56 GMT

courseload for tonight:

homework
pack gym clothes for tomorrow (shirt and shorts)
...figure out what i'm gonna wear (...take an airplane but the bus is already there)
edit essay (ass.) for extra-c.
check blue paper with mommee.

in order that i do not forget...

hersa — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 21:48:18 GMT

Notes to Myself (lest/in case I forget myself)

retrieve from Dad's car
give 6 to Mom
get lunch dinero from her
download more songs (recent) to iPod shuffle for Friday's study hall, blecch
demand from Dou mama dinero

update, yo.

hersa — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 22:56:18 GMT

life

hersa — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 22:39:04 GMT

feeling disillusioned. thinking of the book thief and undiscovered gyrl. depressing books, damn. back from nyc. just listless. maybe cuz of sleep. should get some, then have worldview more firmly in place.

i feel like i don't know my father anymore

damn

it.

i'm going to call helen. and maybe corinne.

Ultimatums

hersa — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 14:56:31 GMT

Listening to stale, un-inspirational music...reading books that are inspirational but to me in this state...

one more grace hour, then college essay.

Consider it done.

girl=gurl=gyrl

hersa — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 14:29:24 GMT

Serena.
you go, gurl.

shyness, if you can call this crutch that

hersa — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 01:22:34 GMT

Things

I'm scared to death of dealing with people. I know, I know perfectly well, that it's psychological. Public speaking never killed anybody. I can talk to my friends fine. I can be myself and be okay with it. But dealing with new people, watching others deal with it so much "better"? I can't deal. that's it, i just can't -

but
can't
means
won't.

i won't deal with it -

makes me sound like a ten-year-old, or snotty, or both. I have to deal with it. One of these days, I am going to realize I am smart, thoughtful, a good - excellent - friend, funny with her own brand of strange humor, quirky, lovable. One of these days, let me realize it, and not let it be too late.

you can do it.

--

other things

wasting time. like this afternoon and the millions of weeks' worth of afternoons before, it feels like. at least tomorrow i'll be busy w/g.g. uuummmmmmmmz. i just - i have to write that college essay (the first one, damnit). And when I do, a great weight will be lifted.. And the next ones won't be as hard/that hard.

--

playing hearts
SO addicting. not even. it's my own fault, i own up. it's comfort, that's why. playing hearts is comfort. losing is not, so i cheat and save it and not play the game. again, waste of time. it calms me down, because it's comfort. i need to make it so that meeting new people is fear - calm - fear - calm. realizing that it may be a fear, but that i'll feel calm again.

Realizing that.l

songs

hersa — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 22:28:56 GMT

(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight.
Guy's voice incredibly attractive. 'Specially when he goes, "Oh! I just died in your arms tonight"...

Imagining girl who looks like that curly-haired dark-haired girl from Seinfield singing this, cheeks all round, etc...

esta es la historia de juan

hersa — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 15:14:31 GMT

Heaven.

I love Juanes. I love everything about him, his music, his split-ended hair. His hook nose.

...apparently my Spanish teacher did, too - the one of my freshman/sophomore year. She was crushing on him aloud, I said: Maybe if you were 10 years younger.
as a, um, joke. (back then i didn't find him attractive)
Her: Ay, Mariana!
-giggles in the classroom-

to tell her, go back there, future Monday, that i like him too :) if only we were close.

eff books

hersa — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 11:49:53 GMT

need to find that book about doing the most scared thing for 100 days. eleanor something?

also,
the girl with the dragon tattoo.

BAD TASTE IN BOYS by Carrie Harris

edward hirsche's poetry book, how to fall in love with

feeling

hersa — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 18:51:37 GMT

It's not just MGMT's Kids that is exhausting, emotionally and spiritually - it's that these past two weeks, my noticing the past week moreso than the one before - my mom's been constantly tired, sleeping super early, like 8:30 even, yesterday. Working till 11 on most days, even weekends. Things changing, I fear.

Change is the essence of the universe, but I don't want it to be. I'm a counselor at a summer camp, learning new things and meeting people. Campers are fine. Counselors, they're older, so I get shy, timid. So much change, it feels sweltering, smothering. I just know I will be a changed person when I get out of this summer, when this summer is over. But I don't if I want to be. And if it's for the better, for the more experienced, I want to jump to that time, skip everything in between.

This growing up is painful.

Just interviewed a guy going to an Ivy League. He sounded so composed, self-assured. He's only a year older than me, but already got his life well-mapped to that point, at least. I don't know about me. I'm afraid.

Reading the book Breakout again, by Paul Fleischman. Perhaps this is a catalyst for this emotion I'm feeling. This emotion - empty, yet sickly worried. Unhealthy. I want to take a shower, wash out these residues.

Books, books, severus books - DUMBLEDORE!! <3

hersa — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 12:08:24 GMT

lines i wanna share from books b/c i'm a sweetie puffs and you guys are puffs, too:

Seven Daughters and Seven Sons:

p130. I could not concentrate sufficiently to read to myself. I sent for a book, but the tales in it seemed boring and stupid compared to the one that I was living through.

-would that I could, dear Buran. Would that I could live like this, live a ilfe as adventurous as this. One day, one day.

An Earthly Knight:

p177. For she knew now that she loved him, but he was gone.

Princess on the Brink: (I know - and I don't care yet understand, if your opinion of me has gone down ;))

p74. Lilly went on. "This is a generation that's pretty much been raised on fear - fear of femini(ni)sts, who as we all know are out to destroy family values - ha, ha - fear of terrorists, fear of getting a bad SAT score and then not getting into Yale or Princeton and therefore benig a failure and having to go to some less well-known school from which they might - gasp - have to get an entry-level job after graduation making one hundred thousand dollars a year instead of one hundred and five thousand dollars a year..."

-AMEN. amen to that. why can't all the college admissions people SEE that?

p212. Grandmere shook her head. "That Miss Gershner did you a FAVOR, young lady. You should be kissing her feet. No woman wants an inexperienced lover. Well, except apparently all these young blond female teachers I keep seeing on the news, who are sleeping with their fourteen-year-old male students. But I must say, they all appear to be mentally unhinged to me. What on earth do they TALK to these young boys about? Because it certainly isn't why their trousers are falling down. Tell me, Amelia, why IS that considered so fashionable? What is so appealing about a young man whose pants are halfway down to his knees?"

I could think of no reply to this. Because what can you even SAY to that?

-Mia's response is my response. Though I agree with Grandmere on the pants down thing. My friend saw a boy who had his pants way low, and he stood up and put his hands on the waistband on his pants, she thought to pull them up, but instead he pulled them down even more. interesting concept, here. cuppeth overfloweth, in a bad bad way.

Yeah. So my books were:

In the Hand of the Goddess
The second book in the Alanna series. Writing is still pretty bad, but I must go on, nevertheless. Still, every five pages, something happens to Alanna. Whether it's getting a new pet or getting killed. Or being romanced by two different guys. Yeah. Pretty cliche, for a fantasy/knight book. But I must read on, for old time's sake.

Princess on the Brink
Eh, what can I say. Vulgar comedy, vulgar humor, not very funny anymore. Cliche to the pits. But guilty pleasure? Ew, unf., yeah.

Seven Daughters and Seven Sons
Really good fable/legend book where girl dresses to be a guy in honor of her poor family, to go be a merchant. She eventually amasses a huge profit, but also falls in love with a prince, who falls in love with her also, but thinks the "she" is a "him"...thereby raising many self-questioning on his part, on what he feels, his sexuality, etc. Haha, entertaining, well-written, and deep, the characters.

An Earthly Knight
Tam Lin story, based off the ballad. I liked it. The writing was worse than Pope's in The Perilous Gard, but it was good - it wasn't stagnant, like some historical fantasy (oooh! love them, want to read more) books are. This girl, Jenny, is about to be betrothed, but discovers a young man - Tam Lin - living at Carter Hall, which is part of her property. Romance ensues.

Two quotes I thought were cool, well-written in their animation:
p232. On the opposite bank, a woman stood, silently watching... Jenny said nothing, but once she had locked eyes with the woman, she found it impossible to look away. She was the most beautiful woman Jenny had ever seen, with long, black hair and pale, white skin. But, even at this distance, Jenny could see something hard and cruel about her mouth and eyes.

As Jenny crossed the river, the woman smiled and reached out a hand in greeting. Jenny felt drawn, like iron to a lodestone. It took all the strength she possessed to reach into her sleeve for the piece of silver. She clutched it until it bit into her palm. Only then could she pull her eyes from this woman's face. When they reached the riverbank, she kicked her heels hard into La Rose's ribs and fled without looking back.

p246. Then her haert leaped into her throat as she recognized Snowdrop. She shot out from behind the tree like an arrow from its bow and leaped higher than she knew she could. She grabbed Tam by his waist and let herself go limp, using her weight to pull him down. She felt him throw himself with her as they fell into a heap together, and Snowdrop went on without him. She buried her face ni his shoulder and held him tightly.

--

going shopping today wiv my biffle!! i'm gonna hit the city...are those the Ke$ha lyrics? anyway.
LOVE!!!

precious/precioua, THIS is magical.

hersa — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:08:16 GMT

My (new) motto for life?

Don't come too prepared/don't be too prepared.

This. She says, "You could put a hair pomade in there and like, go into the bathroom and kinda put all your flyaways down..."

no. just don't try that hard. unexpectedness makes each day precious.

post to (in) (be) sanity

hersa — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 18:14:10 GMT

two things i went insane over in the last year (junior year):
-that time with the Kate Winslet Glammour magazine, how I'd JUST seen it, and went crazy, sobbing, looking for it because this had happened before with another magazine (and you know what your mind can do to you) all the while thinking, "Please God, don't let me lose my mind, don't make it so it's like that Jim Carrey movie The Truman Show ..." and later screaming at Angie when she had the magazine and had told me, timidly that she had it

-that time when my mom emailed my School Email & dozens, dozens of others of "Good sex website: have fun tonight" with the link, or something of the sort... and I thought that she'd lost her mind. Or that this was a strange world, a strange day, and if I was really living it. And what other people were thinking. What other people were thinking.

~later, I discovered my mother's email had been hacked into, the password changed. But that feeling, it was same as the first time. Insanity. Fear of going insane. Same thing, really.