The Bard

herestothebard — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 02:01:34 GMT

That brought back memories. Harkening back to the simpler days of my youth isn't so bad every once in awhile.

I have this strange desire to start collecting rattles again.

herestothebard — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 21:55:01 GMT

[A small child can be seen hanging out with a bag full of rattles. He is very cute. Also, interact with him at the peril of your wallet.]

herestothebard — Fri, 22 May 2009 03:49:27 GMT

Children. Lovely.

I'll be at the coliseum where the little blighters can't bite at my shins.

herestothebard — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 19:06:37 GMT

[Private, somewhat hackable]

A tournament, eh? Quite the legacy you left me, lass. I'll see to it. What better way to honor your time here than with a steady stream of constant violence.

herestothebard — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 00:08:34 GMT

So, you've gone and left me on this godforsaken rock, have you lass?

Don't worry. Your money will be put to good use here.

...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T HAVE IT!?

*Bard is banging his head against the wall of the bank right now*

herestothebard — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 21:38:40 GMT

Dreaming about wine and women is all well and good, but I could do without the hangover the next morning.

herestothebard — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 05:28:38 GMT

Nice to see that it's warmed up. Now I can get this account settled.

[The following invoice has been sent to Harry]

Medical Expenses

Traveling: $10
Psychological Evalutation: $30
Counseling: $50
After-hours fee: $10
Gratuity: $20
Total Bill: $120

herestothebard — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 18:36:20 GMT

Say what you will about murder, but it does provide any number of opportunities to make an ample profit. Anyone else feeling particularly unsafe is welcome to hire the services of my rather specialized mercenaries. Depending on the case I may even be willing to provide a group discount.

On that note. Little purple-haired boy. How are you feeling? Well, I trust?

[to Lina]

Regained your composure yet my dear?

herestothebard — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 05:25:08 GMT

What's WRONG with the women here!? I swear, no idea how these things are supposed to work at all. Honestly.

Awareness of morality has never been a strong suit of the Bard's. The lack of bathing probably doesn't help either.

herestothebard — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 07:44:00 GMT

Finally! Free from that wench!

I'm going to celebrate. Some beer and actually attractive women will do me some good.

herestothebard — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 07:55:09 GMT

Whatever son of a Trow saw fit to stick me to this cow-faced broad is going to find their internal organs painfully rearranged when I find them.

*ow, damn it, hands off the goods! Drop that knife before you lose that hand!*

And so the Bard found himself in quite the predicament. Stuck to a woman he, for once, wanted nothing to do with.

Truly the heavens favor swift and copious judgment.

herestothebard — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 06:21:02 GMT

...

What the hell!?

((1% on the zombie dance-off))

herestothebard — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 04:54:04 GMT

Well, that went considerably worse than expected. A fine thanks I get, considering how much thought and consideration I put into that gift.

Well, that aside, let's take care of some unfinished business, shall we?.

*plays a melody on his lute and summons the Mercenary, a large sweaty guy with an axe.*

READY TO SCRAP!

Yes yes, go find the little white-haired man in the stupid red robes and hat, beat the stuffing out of him, and steal his coin.

YOU OWE ME BIG FOR THIS ONE, BARD!

((The Bard has sent one of his burlier summons after Red Mage to mug him for all he's worth.))

herestothebard — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 09:01:45 GMT

*sailing through the air and landing in a crater conveniently near whoever wants to be near it*

*cough*

Medic

It seems the Bard managed to survive. A pity.

Coliseum

herestothebard — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:34:03 GMT

Well. As much as I hate hard work and just about everything remotely related to it, it's payed off.

All right folks, listen up. To liven up the dull experience here, we're opening up the coliseum. Now you, too, can come and partake in the viewing of blood sport for pleasure. Don't say you don't want to, I can see it in your eyes. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt, at which point it's hilarious.

Anyway, grand opening is Friday, come by and watch the bloodbath.

Once again, the ever-resourceful Bard is profiting on the pain of others. Honestly I'm surprised it took him this long to do so.

herestothebard — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:33:06 GMT

Hmmm...

*plays some simple melodies on his lute, which get a bit more complex.*

That sounds about right. Now then, let's see here...

*plays some music while reading a scrap of paper. A large, burly, unwashed man with an axe appears*

HOLY SHIT!

READY TO SCRAP

Uh... that's nice?

TIME TA GET PAID!

Let's see... uhhh...

*plays another chord, man vanishes*

Hey, not bad. Now then...

*plays something else, this time on his axe which makes a very electric guitar sound. A man made of flame appears*

Hmm... interesting.

*plays another chord, fire man vanishes*

Handy!

((2% spent on remembering to play and read music))

herestothebard — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 06:07:38 GMT

Oh come ON! Mistletoe, people, work with me! It should be illegal to slap a man under those circumstances. And my hand wasn't even THAT far down the bodice.

Honestly women these days.

((Bard's been stealing kisses. A lot. If your character is female and attractive enough, it's quite likely that this will end up your fate as well. His face is also fairly red, he's been slapped quite a bit.))

herestothebard — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 20:28:09 GMT

Say what you will about this island, but I suppose I can't fault it for all the free turkey.

Now then, my little beasts. How shall I kill you today?

Fortunately for the Bard these turkeys were not of the dire variety. Were that the case, I'm sure the rest of the world would be much better off.

herestothebard — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 07:26:12 GMT

I notice there's a coliseum here, but it's not working. I was going to bet on some good old blood sports, but I can't even do that! What happened to the bloody thing?

herestothebard — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 02:41:29 GMT

Come one, come all, ladies and gents. As a Bard of no small talent, I offer up to you this humble song in exchange for a bit of coin.

It was nice to see the Bard actually doing some honest work. For once.

Oh stuff it.

*ahem*
I'll tattle a tale that is terribly true
Stated out as a rumor, but suddenly grew.
And it deals with a man, and a horse, and a ring.
So settle on in and our song we shall sing.

It happened one day in a ring by a farm
Some that tragically brought us much harm
How could a place abundant with charm
Create such a beast with a spear for an arm.

On death and destruction is what you will get
When he's coming for you and in your kilt you will wet.
And he's big and he's strong and its quite plain to see.
That this is the Tale of the Nukelavee.

Nukelavee! Oh Nukelavee
You're big and evil and heinous
Who could it be who set you free?
He really must be an anus.

Oh Nukelavee it's easy to see
the terror you leave is raining on me.
The village is burned and the taverns are missed
and the beer is all gone and the elders are pissed.

And if they ever should find the fool
We'll hang him upside down by his tool
And spin him around until he gets sick
Ooh! Aah! Oh, that should do the trick.

Nukelavee! Oh Nukelavee
The terror you offer is high class
Who could it be who set you free?
He really must be a dumbass.

Nukelavee! Oh Nukelavee
The horror you furnish is widespread
Who could it be who set you free?
He really must be an ox-head.

Now everyone knows no blood should spill
In the sacred ring by the farm on the hill
And if that ever happen the Death you should fear.
He'll kick in your nuts and he'll server them with beer.

So one final thought before I depart,
And this my friends comes straight from the heart.
We'd all be fine if not for that bell
And that horse killing wanker that opened up hell.

Nukelavee! Oh Nukelavee
We cannot win we must admit
Who could it be who set you free?
He really must be a dimwit.

Nukelavee! Oh Nukelavee
You're big and evil and heinous
Who could it be who set you free?
He really must be an anus.
...phew. Man, I wonder what kind of person could do... something... like... thaaaatttt?

I think it should come to no surprise that the true culprit was, as always, the Bard himself.

((1% on the Nukelavee business, 2% on Finstown, which I will get to at a later date. From the nightmare. Oh and we can also assume that the $50 he stole from Red Mage was traded for lots of booze and he is once again flat broke))

herestothebard — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 06:36:25 GMT

...

Oh dear god.

...

!!!

NO FUCKING WAY!

((The Bard perceives everybody as an incredibly large, hairy, and burly Viking Woman who wants to marry him and will break him if he doesn't agree. Thus, he will be fleeing in terror from everyone.))

herestothebard — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:04:33 GMT

So, Ari Apartments eh? How quaint. While I'm not one to say no to free lodgings, I'm not big on this whole "sharing" thing. Who's this Kristoph guy anyway?

Well, first things first. Apparently you barbarians have your own money system, which is fine and all, but I have here a wealth of pure silver coins. Obviously my money is worth more than yours, so I'm sure we can work out some kind of equitable exchange rate.

Let's see what else I've got here...

A sword... a dirk... a bow... a flail... a greatsword... a shield... well, it's nice to know I have means of self-defense in case I encounter some unruly natives. What else...

A lute, naturally. No good Bard should be without. Some... sheet music? Might be nice if I could remember how to play the lute. An... axe? Sure, why not? And another sword... don't know why I need two of these things... and a bunch of weird trinkets and rocks, a pendant, and a bunch of... ooh, these gems look valuable.

I wonder how much I could sell some of this stuff for?

herestothebard — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 17:53:37 GMT

((Italics represent the Narrator))

And so the Bard entered an unfamiliar wood full of strange and terrible creatures. Stranger and more terrible, perhaps, was that the Bard found himself completely without memory. This would be a grave inconvenience, if the Bard were actually able to remember anything that happened within ten minutes of it's passing.

Terrible creatures my ass! The worst I've found thus far is a bunch of frightened bears. And I'll have you know I remember a lot of stuff you twit!

Oh really? And what, pray tell, would that be?

I remember a lot of stuff! Like... like...

I rest my case.

Put a sock in it! All right. So I'm in the middle of the forest and have no idea who I am nor how I got here. Was... whatever it was I was doing not exciting enough? Honestly the old amnesia plot is one of the oldest ones in the book. Think of something original next time eh? Anyway, I think I see a town over there. And where there's a town, there's people. And where there are people, there are a bunch of clueless rubes who are just ASKING to be parted with their coin.

And so the valiant Bard once again set out on his quest for coin, carnage and cleavage. One can only hope the Bard will encounter some ferocious creature along the way that's looking to do society a public service.

Organization Post [OOC]

herestothebard — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 09:40:48 GMT

The Narrator:
The Narrator is a ghostly voice who reads the story of the Bard's life aloud in-between wishing ill upon him and generally being a snarky bastard. Much like the Bard himself. The Narrator is NOT audible to everyone, only the most genre-savvy characters should be able to hear him. If you have a question as to whether or not your character can hear the Narrator, post here and we'll figure it out. Generally, those who break the forth wall with any regularity should be able to hear the Narrator.

The Narrator will never directly respond to any other character, he only responds to the Bard.

Going to actually attempt to be organized this time around and chronicle all his memories and whatever here.

Current Memories:
Finstown (2%)
Knucklavee (1%)
Playing/reading music (2%)
Zombie Dance-Off (1%)

Memories Used: 6%

Memories Available: 0%

Total Memories: 6%