Ha ha, Johanna Lindsey has the crappiest book summaries ever.
One of my coworkers has been sick all week, so I've had to cover for her. I wasn't thrilled about being called in yesterday (especially since I got nailed with some ill-timed cramps), but at least I'm getting some extra hours.
The best part, though, was stumbling across Johanna Lindsey's craptacular romance novels while I was shelving. I remembered the titles and looked them up when I got home to see if I could abuse them for Hetaquin.
I was not disappointed. None of them are nearly as bad as the Prussia/Switzerland one I doctored in which Gilbert is actually a genetically engineered coyote (NOT a werewolf, insists the author) who ends up betraying Vash and killing his father. Then Vash is naturally overcome with mating lust, because who wouldn't have the hots for their father's murderer? It ends with them getting married and Vash getting knocked up with Gilbert's coyote child. I swear to God.
Here's the Johanna Lindsey titles I looked up, and the Gilbert/Vash coyote one at the end because it was hysterical.
A ROGUE OF MY OWN (Germany/Italy)
How does an innocent gentleman find himself forced to wed a royal spy who seduced him - by mistake? For Lord Feliciano Vargas, a whirlwind of passion and excitement begins when, to his mother's great delight, he becomes a servant at the court of King Umberto I. Feliciano's mother sees this appointment as a golden opportunity for him to make a good match.
At court, Feliciano innocently steps into the rivalry between the king's spymaster and the noblewoman in charge of the servants who is using the servants to spy on powerful courtiers. Soon Feliciano is entangled in a web of deceit with the charming marquis Ludwig Beilschmidt. The devastatingly handsome n'er-do-well is the brother of Gilbert Beilschmidt, with whom Feliciano was once infatuated. What he doesn't know is that Ludwig is a secret agent of the crown who leads a double life.
When Ludwig obtains proof that Feliciano is spying on him, he seduces him. He hardly suspects the Italian's guileless nature. Forced to the altar, Ludwig believes that Feliciano has set a trap of the worst sort in order to marry into his powerful family. Although he vows never to be faithful to his gorgeous husband, as Ludwig comes to know Feliciano's wit, adventurous spirit, and generous nature, his vow of revenge turns into a desire to share many passionate nights only with his husband for the rest of his life.
MARRIAGE MOST SCANDALOUS (Sweden/Finland)
Lord Tino Vainamoinen first met Berwald Oxenstierna as a child, when the Swede caught him peeking into his older sister's engagement ball. Tall, dashing, and handsome, Berwald was one of the most sought-after bachelors in Stockholm and cut a romantic figure Tino would not soon forget. Never did he dream that one day he would be living at the Oxenstierna family's magnificent estate with Berwald's father, the eighth earl of Orkney, as Tino's guardian - while Berwald is banished from his family due to the tragic results of a duel.
When life at Orkney takes a sinister turn with the earl suffering a suspicious number of life-threatening accidents, Tino wonders if Berwald's younger brother and his wife have grown impatient to inherit the earldom. Setting out to find the one man he believes can set the situation to rights, Tino discovers that Berwald Oxenstierna has forged a new identity for himself on the continent.
Now known as The Raven, a deadly mercenary, notorious for accomplishing any mission no matter how seemingly impossible, he has vowed never to return to Sweden. Not until Tino meets his outrageous monetary demands does Berwald agree to return home, reluctantly posing as Tino's husband in order to facilitate his return to society. When Berwald learns Tino cannot afford to pay his fee, he suggests a scandalous trade.
As Tino and Berwald work to uncover the intrigue at the Oxenstierna estate, a fierce passion blooms that neither of them anticipated and neither can resist. But can Tino persuade Berwald to abandon the dark path he believes is his fate and claim the life - and love - he deserves?
THE DEVIL WHO TAMED HIM (France/Netherlands)
Francis Bonnefoy is an incomparable beauty with a reputation for starting rumors and spreading them. Having purposely wrecked his engagement to Matthew Williams, a future marquis, which his social-climbing father arranged, Francis wants to return to Paris' marriage mart and make his own choice of a wealthy husband. But on his journey home, something unexpected happens...
The heir to a dukedom, Jos van Rijn is - in spite of his disinterest in marriage - the most sought-after young lord in Holland. He instantly disliked Francis when he caused a scandal to avoid marriage to Jos' friend Matthew, but having comforted the Frenchman in a tearful moment, he begins to wonder if he's not all that bad. So when Matthew claims that Francis will never be anything but a spiteful beauty, Jos bets his friend that he can turn Francis into a kindhearted gentleman who will one day make a good match, just not with him.
With the Bonnefoy parents' blessing, Jos commandeers Francis' coach and whisks him - chaperoned, of course - to his remote estate in the countryside. There, he tries to show his furious, sharp-tongued "guest" the error of his ways, he discovers the surprising reasons for his bad behavior. Soon his daily lessons with Francis take effect and he finds himself irresistibly attracted to him. When Jos champions the new and improved Francis' re-entry to Paris society, marriage proposals pour in. Only then does Jos start to wonder whether he hasn't gone and fallen in love with Francis himself.
CAPTIVE OF MY DESIRES (Spain/Romano)
Devastated by his mother's death, eighteen-year-old Lovino Vargas sets sail from Italy to a Caribbean island in search of his estranged grandfather. But instead of encountering a distinguished merchant ship's captain, he discovers his grandfather has become a pirate! After spending three wonderful years sailing and treasure hunting with him, Lovino is dismayed when his grandfather decides he must return to Rome to find a proper husband. His old friend Jos van Rijn will sponsor Lovino in polite society.
In Rome, Lovino is escorted to balls and parties by Jos' husband, Francis Bonnefoy, and Francis' friend, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, a dashing Spanish sea captain who is visiting. Though drawn to Lovino's fiery good looks, Antonio, a fun-loving rogue, wants nothing to do with a young man hunting for a husband. Incensed by Antonio's indifference, Lovino is determined to win his affections. But when Antonio embroils him in a scandal the night before he's to travel back to Spain, Lovino vows revenge. Enlisting the help of his grandfather's pirate cronies, Lovino commandeers Antonio's ship and takes him prisoner. But as passion runs high on their sea voyage, it becomes difficult to tell who is truly the captor and who is the captive.
A LOVING SCOUNDREL (Denmark/Norway)
When Eirik, a young man who grew up on the streets of Oslo with no memory of his real family, is banished from his gang because he helped handsome rakeshell Jens Hansen steal back the jewels his friend lost in a card game, Eirik demands that Jens give him a job. He is determined to become respectable in order to fulfill his dream of escaping the streets of Oslo forever. Intrigued by his handsomeness and spunk, Jens hires Eirik as his butler, although he wants the Norwegian as his lover.
Under the tutelage of Jens and his friend Tino, Eirik blossoms into a gentleman. Although he is drawn to Jens by passionate feelings he has never experienced before, he refuses to be anything more than a servant to him because he knows the Dane is not the marrying kind. When Eirik undergoes a Cinderella-like transformation and poses as Jens' new love in an attempt to help him avert a scandal, a few highly placed members of society remark on how familiar Eirik looks. Now tongues are wagging, raising the question of his true identity, which threatens not only Eirik's chances of capturing Jens' heart but his very life.
THE PURSUIT (America/England)
It was to be a grand adventure for Alfred F. Jones - an escape from the wilds of his American home into the whirl of the London social season, and far from the stifling protectiveness of his mother's sixteen strapping, somewhat bumbling brothers, six of whom are named Ian. There the bewitching lad is sure to find a suitable husband who will not be intimidated by his suspicious uncles and who is more appealing than the many local suitors whom his uncles have already deemed unworthy. But before he begins his pursuit of a new life, Alfred is distracted by an intriguing gentleman stranger he encounters on his grandfather's lands.
Arthur Kirkland is no stranger to America, however. The seventeenth viscount Cambury, Arthur once called this land home - until as a boy of twelve he was sent away to live with relatives in London after his father's death. To stay would surely have meant his own demise, for a bitter feud was raging around him, marking young Arthur as a target of a brutal gang of "savages" who went by the name Johnson.
Now as he restlessly roams the countryside he so loved as a child, Arthur can feel the anger and bitterness returning - only to be dispelled by the handsomeness of the man who stands before him. Though they part after but a few spoken words, the damage is done: Arthur's heart is claimed forever, and he will never be complete again until Alfred F. Jones is his bridegroom.
Though destiny is carrying them along separate paths, Arthur knows he will pursue Alfred to London...and to the ends of the earth, if necessary. But ties of blood and duty have made his heart's obsession with the enchanting American not only desperate but quite dangerous. For the man Arthur must have is the nephew of those who, even now, are sworn to his destruction, and who are willing to dog his every step, even following two yearning souls fated to be lovers into the glittering world of the London aristocracy. The longtime feud is raging hotter than ever before - and even the irresistible shared passion of Arthur and Alfred may not be powerful enough to withstand its devastating fire.
COYOTE'S MATE (Prussia/Switzerland)
He always knew he would betray him...
Vash Zwingli was only sixteen when he first came to Gilbert Beilschmidt - the genetically altered rebel known as the Coyote Ghost. For six years they plotted to free a group of Coyote women kept in Vash's father's lab. As Vash matured into a man, he and Gilbert grew close...but on the day of the ambush, he broke his promise and shot Vash's father.
Filled with rage over the betrayal, Vash discovers an even stronger emotion is consuming his mind and body - the animalistic desire known as mating heat. Though Gilbert feels it with the same intensity, Vash questions whether he can forgive him or trust him again. As they stealthily maneuver to bring the freed Breeds to safety, one question reigns supreme: Can Vash and Gilbert survive their own heat?
Fun fact! Gilbert's character's name is actually Del-Rey Delgado. Del-Rey. XD
The best part, though, was stumbling across Johanna Lindsey's craptacular romance novels while I was shelving. I remembered the titles and looked them up when I got home to see if I could abuse them for Hetaquin.
I was not disappointed. None of them are nearly as bad as the Prussia/Switzerland one I doctored in which Gilbert is actually a genetically engineered coyote (NOT a werewolf, insists the author) who ends up betraying Vash and killing his father. Then Vash is naturally overcome with mating lust, because who wouldn't have the hots for their father's murderer? It ends with them getting married and Vash getting knocked up with Gilbert's coyote child. I swear to God.
Here's the Johanna Lindsey titles I looked up, and the Gilbert/Vash coyote one at the end because it was hysterical.
A ROGUE OF MY OWN (Germany/Italy)
How does an innocent gentleman find himself forced to wed a royal spy who seduced him - by mistake? For Lord Feliciano Vargas, a whirlwind of passion and excitement begins when, to his mother's great delight, he becomes a servant at the court of King Umberto I. Feliciano's mother sees this appointment as a golden opportunity for him to make a good match.
At court, Feliciano innocently steps into the rivalry between the king's spymaster and the noblewoman in charge of the servants who is using the servants to spy on powerful courtiers. Soon Feliciano is entangled in a web of deceit with the charming marquis Ludwig Beilschmidt. The devastatingly handsome n'er-do-well is the brother of Gilbert Beilschmidt, with whom Feliciano was once infatuated. What he doesn't know is that Ludwig is a secret agent of the crown who leads a double life.
When Ludwig obtains proof that Feliciano is spying on him, he seduces him. He hardly suspects the Italian's guileless nature. Forced to the altar, Ludwig believes that Feliciano has set a trap of the worst sort in order to marry into his powerful family. Although he vows never to be faithful to his gorgeous husband, as Ludwig comes to know Feliciano's wit, adventurous spirit, and generous nature, his vow of revenge turns into a desire to share many passionate nights only with his husband for the rest of his life.
MARRIAGE MOST SCANDALOUS (Sweden/Finland)
Lord Tino Vainamoinen first met Berwald Oxenstierna as a child, when the Swede caught him peeking into his older sister's engagement ball. Tall, dashing, and handsome, Berwald was one of the most sought-after bachelors in Stockholm and cut a romantic figure Tino would not soon forget. Never did he dream that one day he would be living at the Oxenstierna family's magnificent estate with Berwald's father, the eighth earl of Orkney, as Tino's guardian - while Berwald is banished from his family due to the tragic results of a duel.
When life at Orkney takes a sinister turn with the earl suffering a suspicious number of life-threatening accidents, Tino wonders if Berwald's younger brother and his wife have grown impatient to inherit the earldom. Setting out to find the one man he believes can set the situation to rights, Tino discovers that Berwald Oxenstierna has forged a new identity for himself on the continent.
Now known as The Raven, a deadly mercenary, notorious for accomplishing any mission no matter how seemingly impossible, he has vowed never to return to Sweden. Not until Tino meets his outrageous monetary demands does Berwald agree to return home, reluctantly posing as Tino's husband in order to facilitate his return to society. When Berwald learns Tino cannot afford to pay his fee, he suggests a scandalous trade.
As Tino and Berwald work to uncover the intrigue at the Oxenstierna estate, a fierce passion blooms that neither of them anticipated and neither can resist. But can Tino persuade Berwald to abandon the dark path he believes is his fate and claim the life - and love - he deserves?
THE DEVIL WHO TAMED HIM (France/Netherlands)
Francis Bonnefoy is an incomparable beauty with a reputation for starting rumors and spreading them. Having purposely wrecked his engagement to Matthew Williams, a future marquis, which his social-climbing father arranged, Francis wants to return to Paris' marriage mart and make his own choice of a wealthy husband. But on his journey home, something unexpected happens...
The heir to a dukedom, Jos van Rijn is - in spite of his disinterest in marriage - the most sought-after young lord in Holland. He instantly disliked Francis when he caused a scandal to avoid marriage to Jos' friend Matthew, but having comforted the Frenchman in a tearful moment, he begins to wonder if he's not all that bad. So when Matthew claims that Francis will never be anything but a spiteful beauty, Jos bets his friend that he can turn Francis into a kindhearted gentleman who will one day make a good match, just not with him.
With the Bonnefoy parents' blessing, Jos commandeers Francis' coach and whisks him - chaperoned, of course - to his remote estate in the countryside. There, he tries to show his furious, sharp-tongued "guest" the error of his ways, he discovers the surprising reasons for his bad behavior. Soon his daily lessons with Francis take effect and he finds himself irresistibly attracted to him. When Jos champions the new and improved Francis' re-entry to Paris society, marriage proposals pour in. Only then does Jos start to wonder whether he hasn't gone and fallen in love with Francis himself.
CAPTIVE OF MY DESIRES (Spain/Romano)
Devastated by his mother's death, eighteen-year-old Lovino Vargas sets sail from Italy to a Caribbean island in search of his estranged grandfather. But instead of encountering a distinguished merchant ship's captain, he discovers his grandfather has become a pirate! After spending three wonderful years sailing and treasure hunting with him, Lovino is dismayed when his grandfather decides he must return to Rome to find a proper husband. His old friend Jos van Rijn will sponsor Lovino in polite society.
In Rome, Lovino is escorted to balls and parties by Jos' husband, Francis Bonnefoy, and Francis' friend, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, a dashing Spanish sea captain who is visiting. Though drawn to Lovino's fiery good looks, Antonio, a fun-loving rogue, wants nothing to do with a young man hunting for a husband. Incensed by Antonio's indifference, Lovino is determined to win his affections. But when Antonio embroils him in a scandal the night before he's to travel back to Spain, Lovino vows revenge. Enlisting the help of his grandfather's pirate cronies, Lovino commandeers Antonio's ship and takes him prisoner. But as passion runs high on their sea voyage, it becomes difficult to tell who is truly the captor and who is the captive.
A LOVING SCOUNDREL (Denmark/Norway)
When Eirik, a young man who grew up on the streets of Oslo with no memory of his real family, is banished from his gang because he helped handsome rakeshell Jens Hansen steal back the jewels his friend lost in a card game, Eirik demands that Jens give him a job. He is determined to become respectable in order to fulfill his dream of escaping the streets of Oslo forever. Intrigued by his handsomeness and spunk, Jens hires Eirik as his butler, although he wants the Norwegian as his lover.
Under the tutelage of Jens and his friend Tino, Eirik blossoms into a gentleman. Although he is drawn to Jens by passionate feelings he has never experienced before, he refuses to be anything more than a servant to him because he knows the Dane is not the marrying kind. When Eirik undergoes a Cinderella-like transformation and poses as Jens' new love in an attempt to help him avert a scandal, a few highly placed members of society remark on how familiar Eirik looks. Now tongues are wagging, raising the question of his true identity, which threatens not only Eirik's chances of capturing Jens' heart but his very life.
THE PURSUIT (America/England)
It was to be a grand adventure for Alfred F. Jones - an escape from the wilds of his American home into the whirl of the London social season, and far from the stifling protectiveness of his mother's sixteen strapping, somewhat bumbling brothers, six of whom are named Ian. There the bewitching lad is sure to find a suitable husband who will not be intimidated by his suspicious uncles and who is more appealing than the many local suitors whom his uncles have already deemed unworthy. But before he begins his pursuit of a new life, Alfred is distracted by an intriguing gentleman stranger he encounters on his grandfather's lands.
Arthur Kirkland is no stranger to America, however. The seventeenth viscount Cambury, Arthur once called this land home - until as a boy of twelve he was sent away to live with relatives in London after his father's death. To stay would surely have meant his own demise, for a bitter feud was raging around him, marking young Arthur as a target of a brutal gang of "savages" who went by the name Johnson.
Now as he restlessly roams the countryside he so loved as a child, Arthur can feel the anger and bitterness returning - only to be dispelled by the handsomeness of the man who stands before him. Though they part after but a few spoken words, the damage is done: Arthur's heart is claimed forever, and he will never be complete again until Alfred F. Jones is his bridegroom.
Though destiny is carrying them along separate paths, Arthur knows he will pursue Alfred to London...and to the ends of the earth, if necessary. But ties of blood and duty have made his heart's obsession with the enchanting American not only desperate but quite dangerous. For the man Arthur must have is the nephew of those who, even now, are sworn to his destruction, and who are willing to dog his every step, even following two yearning souls fated to be lovers into the glittering world of the London aristocracy. The longtime feud is raging hotter than ever before - and even the irresistible shared passion of Arthur and Alfred may not be powerful enough to withstand its devastating fire.
COYOTE'S MATE (Prussia/Switzerland)
He always knew he would betray him...
Vash Zwingli was only sixteen when he first came to Gilbert Beilschmidt - the genetically altered rebel known as the Coyote Ghost. For six years they plotted to free a group of Coyote women kept in Vash's father's lab. As Vash matured into a man, he and Gilbert grew close...but on the day of the ambush, he broke his promise and shot Vash's father.
Filled with rage over the betrayal, Vash discovers an even stronger emotion is consuming his mind and body - the animalistic desire known as mating heat. Though Gilbert feels it with the same intensity, Vash questions whether he can forgive him or trust him again. As they stealthily maneuver to bring the freed Breeds to safety, one question reigns supreme: Can Vash and Gilbert survive their own heat?
Fun fact! Gilbert's character's name is actually Del-Rey Delgado. Del-Rey. XD