As Great-Grandpappy Alphonso always used to say, “When you don’t know where to start go back to the beginning” (If you’re lucky this is the only Escanaba in da Moonlight reference you get this month.)

ALL HAIL THE BOXED CAKE MIX

I don’t know why I’m like this but despite my deep love and appreciation of the boxed cake mix in all it’s forms and glory, I’m also determined to be one of those people with the perfect and all encompassing baked good recipes.

My signature recipe, if you will.

Look, Netflix lets you put stuff on without stopping now and I’ve had twin infants and anxiety and Bake Off is very comforting.

My family already has a practically perfect carrot cake recipe, which is one of the few baked goods that are entirely from scratch for us. I want to add a chocolate cake recipe to this.

I previously used Joshua Weissman’s chocolate cake recipe but…It’s too bitter. There’s something…lacking in it.

So I’m going back to the beginning…My oldest chocolate cake recipe comes from the Watkins promotional cookbook from my meager collection, copyright 1925. Right away there were some major issues with the method. The instructions were minimal and I definitely fucked it up. The flavor was good, but there were clumps of butter in the bake and the crumb was way more like a bad brownie than a good cake. 

When I remade it next, I didn't have any butter…but I wanted to make a cake. 

After being sufficiently talked out of trying to make it with the jar of bacon grease that lives in every kitchen witches fridge, I dug into the freezer for the stash of vegetable shortening stored there. 

The method was definitely an improvement, but I definitely missed the butter. 

I tried again with butter, and swapped the all purpose flour for cake flour. And it was really good…but still lacking something. Still lacking the magic I needed. 

I couldn't think of any other way to alter this recipe, so I jotted down my notes for it and went in search of a more modern recipe. 

Which took forever. Because they all wanted coffee or something else that I was determined not to include in my recipe. There's no real or reasonable reason behind it, just one too many people telling me it's their "secret ingredient!" And I'm as stubborn as I am petty and I'm as stubborn and petty as I am fat so. 

Forever without the coffee. 

I settled on a newer recipe, from the 1950s. A mayo cake. 

While I liked the result of that cake well enough, I didn't particularly enjoy the method. I kept referring back to the 1920 recipe and how it had me making a chocolate sauce rather than just adding my cocoa powder. And I had become dead set on using the cake flour rather than all purpose. 

When working with cocoa powder, it's important to bloom it somehow. It's not a mortal sin to not, but you'll find that when you do the result is much richer and more chocolatey. 

The chocolate sauce I ended up with for my purposes was

• ⅔ c cocoa powder

• ⅔ c milk

• ⅔ c sugar

• 1 egg yolk

I put them all in a sauce pan and heat it until it simmers and is all dissolved and combined. Once it is, I set it aside. 

You can incorporate this into any recipe, just adjust the sugar and other liquids to account for this mix. You can maybe even take it a step further and melt chocolate into it if you feel the need. I didn’t.

The biggest disappointment to this gloriously (Gloryously since Glory Fink helped me workshop it) frankensteined cake recipe was that it didn't have any butter. It replaced the butter with mayo. And when I tried the bake, it was literally everything I could ever have wanted in a cake. The crumb was light and fluffy and addictively chocolatey without being bitter or overly sweet. It felt like I was eating a good cake and not nearly as sugary as a little debbie. 

Same vibes. Less sickly sweetness. 

But I felt the lack of butter in the cake. The lack of unctuous in the cake was a major disappointment. Again, Glory came to the rescue and gave me a firm lecture about getting my stubborn head out of my ass and just using a butter extract. 

If we circle back to the comments I made earlier about Bake Off being a staple of my viewing and background noise for ages. A recurring comment in baking shows is the judges cringing when it comes to the use of extracts. And that definitely rubbed off on me. Vanilla extract was the only one I had in my cupboard that I used with any regularity. I'd use almond extract from time to time, but I always worry about nut allergies, and even though nobody I know has them…Adding almond extract to a sugar cookie is something that looks like he could seem safe but end up putting someone in the hospital. 

It just wasn't ever worth the risk in my opinion. 

Glory convinced me to give it a try. 

And I loved it. 

I sent it out to a couple other people to try and remake, who thought was a bit dry and would easily be solved with a sugar syrup. Which again, my brain says "but isn't that cheating????" and her response was to question whether a Tres Leches cake was cheating by my logic. I still don't have an answer to that but it shut me up. So one of these days I might try it. I asked advice for a reason, and that reason wasn't so she could spew validation at me. 

I mean it would've been nice, but helpful feedback was the intention. 

So here it is, my perfect cake recipe. With exactly as many notes as I use. 

Cake Recipe

• ⅔  C cocoa powder

• ⅔ c milk

• ⅔  c sugar 

• 1 egg yolk  

Boil together, set aside to cool, and add water to come up to 1 ⅓ cups 

• 2C cake flour

• 1 tsp each baking soda/powder 

• Salt 

Sift together and set aside 

• 3 eggs

• 1c sugar

• Vanilla

• Butter extract 

Using a Whisk attachment on high until light, pale yellow, and fluffy af

• 1 c mayo

Beat on medium 

Add chocolate syrup

Stir in flour mixture

Bake at 325f