While there's life, there is hope

How can I realize?

ginithekiller — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:47:16 GMT

October has been a crazy month, and November probably will be,too.
I have had been dealing with so much things going on.

First, Montgomery CCC is dumb... The teachers are not exactly teaching, they are just handing us homeworks and showing us their powerpoint. The math teacher has been missing his classes, but he gives us homework to keep up. When we get back, he doesn't lectures at all and gives us the test, it is very confusing. I am not really learning although I am learning lots of vocabularies and functions. But it is perplexing.
Indeed. I have been [not exactly]skipping the classes, but I am going this week. I will see what I can do, maybe stay with the classes 'till December. I already applied for RochesterIT's spring semester and hopefully will be accepted, I just need to send in the transcript for the final process. But, I really don't want to stay with the MCCC classes and stay in PA. Too much stress.
What should I do? blargh.

Other thing, my friend who was kicked out by her own father for trying to have her own life, making her own decisions. She got with her ex, did unimaginable things, and moved in with her mom. I was trying to help out, I just feel helpless. This person have made many stupid decisions, and will make again,and again due to just simply not listening and learning. I am not getting involved with any of her drama anymore, I am getting a killing migraine just from this, it's like a bad show that I am involved though. Do not help unless the person ask!

My mom got a boyfriend! His name is Richard. At first, I felt something was fishy going on, cause they were going out for a few weeks and Richard already moved in. Few months went on and on, Richard and Mom cleaned and did stuff around the house. I felt strange, mom never did this. I mean they did this everyday. My mom would never do that, she would get lazy, look at bills and drink tea. Then, either yell at Mary or me or stare at her emails all day. Richard changed the things at the house, I like it. Richard changed the dining room, it was the clutter room. Laundry room,too! Living room turned into Music room! Book shelves organized,actuallllly! O! O! Mom finally sorted out her clutter/shit out, omg finally. My house looks like, it is bigger than it was before.. so weird.
Even weird that is my mom cooks with Rich every night, we have something delicious to eat. Beef stew with a veg serving, or indian or mexican curry. YUMMY.
huge changes. I like this dude. It takes time to get know to someone, just not a second and look at their looks/environment.

Change is what I live for.

bob.

ginithekiller — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:58:19 GMT

http://thejerkx.deviantart.com/art/Bobby-Autism-75613045 Bobby

http://thejerkx.deviantart.com/art/Bob-staring-at-water-43344874 sigh Bob liked to stare

http://thejerkx.deviantart.com/art/Bob-43284893 he loved music in the car

I miss being able to watch him and keeps me busy with life....that kept me out of trouble.

where is the independence?

ginithekiller — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 00:45:36 GMT

On 11th of June, I graduated from high school! I was so happy that I graduated, with 3 of my best friends. My teacher, Dr. Shire is retiring this year!

Dr. Shire has to be my favorite person in the world! She is my 2nd mother. For 4 to 5 years, she has been pushing, encouraging and there to talk to me. Dr. Shire, I will always look up to for her thoughts, wisdom, and jokes. She can see that I can be smart and be on my own. Dr. Shire KNOWS I can do anything on my own, not causing a mess. Unlike my mother.

Jess, Minwoo and Kasey. Are the fucking best friends and siblings I can ask for. They has been there through 4 years of bad and good times in High School. They are the ones who texted me in the morning, pushing me up to come to school just to learn. I fuckin love them kids, just because they pushed and encouraged me to finish high school. They knew my condition, but did not care and pushed me out of my sick sub-conscience to finish.

Mary, lastly I have to thank her. All the times I cry and need to rant. I go to Mary. Sometimes she doesn't understand, but she is very patient. She still gives me good words to go through High School, and finish the years on good terms. Thank you Mary, I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I am really frustrated right now.
I am trying to have some fun after graduation. But All I get is yelling from my mom, saying I am heartless, mean and stupid.

I emailed her last night, saying I have a friend coming from Ohio thinking it didn't matter to ask her first because my mom forgets what I ask, and doesn't respond for a long time. Plus, I do not communicate well, VERY WELL with my mom.

My friend is coming here primarily because my fellow graduates and I had an original plan to go to the beach. Now, because all of our parents doesn't trust that we are legally "adults" and that we can make plans on our own. We cannot do anything and We had to put up the friend in a hotel in Philadelphia just to figure out our senior week.

I have NO independence, because "I am deaf" means "I make a mess." by planning. I cannot sign with my mom, She has to understand me by email. I cannot do anything on my own, I have to let Mom know where/what I am going/doing. it's like I am a kid having no fun all over. I am nineteen, Jesus Christ. My friends are eighteen, nineteen.

Looks like this year is one hell of a year going through a fight with mom.

Bob...1991-2009.

ginithekiller — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 07:08:21 GMT

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj="tropigalia">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Hey guys
I lost my brother, Bob. I don't know how I feel to be honest. I keep saying "so-so" but, I either want to eat.. or tuck myself in the blanket and be stuck there. I know my brother is somewhere in a good place with my dad, Grandma Kay, Pop-pop, uncle Vin, and other family members whom I never met. I didn't want to lose my brother, because he taught so many things, and he made all of us smile in an unique way. But it is just hard,being in a new environment because I am still hoping Bob is downstairs and will nag me to make him food.

This is hard, my family and our lives revolved around Bob. My brother was only 17, a year apart from me and he had Autism. Autism is basically a learning disability disorder, where the brain function differently in parts from the normal brain. Bob had a stroke when he was born, the stroke damaged the brain's function which caused Autism for his life.

Bob with Autism or without autism was very smart, he loved music especially the Beatles. He loved his life, even if it may not seem like that. Bob loved nagging his older sisters and his mother to make his food, hotdogs with applesauce mixed or Yams with sprinkle. With either Blue Clue or Blue Bear House on, He would dance the "windmill" dance as his class called the dance and wait for the hotdogs to be done cooking. He liked going for a drive with his mother, or anybody with music blaring in sunny days or starry nights as he would like to stare out through the window listening to the music. I recall whenever Bob was angry, he would bang a chair to let me know, or lay down on a floor. If it was too much for him, he would go straight to his room, bang his door, and listen to his music. Bob never liked being emotional, always happy and smiling. He had a wonderful sense of humor, this time I remember he laughed at his bowl having some idea to do something; all of sudden he splashed his bowl to the ceiling. I yelled, and all bob did was laugh and laugh. The applesauce from the bowl stick to the ceiling to this day. Bob was a good brother, an awesome student, and best kind of a friend to all of us.

Unfortunately, on Sunday... I do not know how all this happened because I was asleep, no one woke me up until the EMTs came. I will give some details though.
Bob fell asleep in the tub, full of water somehow. My mother checked on him while she was having some breakfast. She noticed Bob's face was blue or purple, and he was not breathing. She called Mary <lj="tropigalia"> to call 911 (police) Mother tried to do cpr, Bob didn't have pulse. EMTs came, I woke up... Mary explained what has had happened. EMTs put Bob on a cot to bring downstairs, I saw.
He had a tube in his mouth, his head turned right... closed eyes with body not moving at all. It was really scary seeing him like that. At this point, the cops told us to get ready to go where he was going.
So EMTs said he had no pulse or oxygen. They kept working on him for about 15 or 25 minutes until a person I think, a chaplan came to us.. said he was stablized. Then, two doctors came in the waiting room that was the size of small bathroom. It was so white, I didn't really understand except they were saying that they wanted to scan Bob to see traumas.
From there, the doctors said they are moving Bob to ICU and we walked up to ICU waiting room. we waited, waited and waited. Then My brother came to his room in a bed pumping oxygen and heartbeat. But he was not awake, not making any noises nor expecting any music I thought.

Mary kept saying "he is going to die, he is dying" I kept arguing, I was being optimistic, somewhat. I didn't want to lose him.

The nurses and doctors moved him down the hall to the first door on the right. A doctor, a quiet looker but gentle came to the waiting room. He sat down and talked softly to us about what was happening to Bob. Bob as he claimed slept underwater for about 30 minutes. Lots of water got in his body,some how Bob did not feel water. So Bob had Hemoptysis, he coughed up blood from all the water in his lungs and arteries. Bob did not have any oxygen, too much water in his brain claimed to damage Bob's brain. Bob was already brain-dead, basically half-dead on the way to hospital. I didn't want to accept that fact. The gentle doctor, and another doctor who is a really quiet man, but you could see the sadness in his eyes came to us. They talked to us about what to do with Bob being on ventilator, seeing he has no oxygen. We could take him off now and let him go, or wait 24 hours and see what happens.
Harsh decision, My mother had to make the decision in a such short of time. She decided to let him go. Mary and I were not doing so well accepting especially me not understand why my mother had to let him go.

Few hours later, I think about 4pm I held Bob's hand by myself with the nurse in the background... Bob's eyes half opened, with water coming out like teardrops, the ventilator machine pumping through a tube in his mouth along so many needles with sodium going in his veins. I watched Bob's eyes, hoping for him to wake up, and make some strange noises. But I turned and saw the machine's BP and Pulse..and Apnea, they kept going low, like a downhill. There were blood making circles around Bob's eyes, and nose. His arms,too. I cleaned, and the nurse did,too. For a long time, Bob laid there pumped oxygen with no body movement. After an half of an hour, I decided to go back to the waiting room to just sit for a long time.

Shout out to: Liz, Mary Ellen, Becky, Theresa, Jenny, Katie.. All of you thank you for being at the hospital.

After waiting for so long, talking with a stupid lady about organ donation *IT WAS A WRONG TIME*, and eating sammiches.

6pm, We were ready to let go of him, we knew Bob was already half dead and we have to let him go if he had no brain functions.

If Bob had no brain function, he couldn't function anymore. No nervous system telling the brain what to do, no reflex system... Already fried. So, We went into his room. The respiratory team turned off and took out his tube and ventilator machine.

The nurse decided to give Bob some morphine just in case if Bob had traumatic pain. Mary and Mother decided to sing to him. Hymns. Then Beatles for rest of the time. He laid there with his filled red eyes almost closed, breathing harshly. There were starting to be long pauses between his breathings. A minute longer every pause, the skin turned pale from feet to head.

Once his lips turned ghostly white, his head slowly turned right to rest. We all held his hands, becoming ice cold. We knew it was the moment, but Jenny I think asked the nurse to came to confirm.
She got the tall doctor to come, he put his finger on Bob's chest and wrist. "I am sorry, Yes", confirmed the tall blond doctor.
<crying part cut>

I thanked the blond doctor, strangely he gave me a hug along with Mary,as well.

I thanked him just because the staff tried their best. I love my brother, Bob. I wasn't ready, but I am sure he is somewhere good and resting peacefully. Watching all tv he wants to, eating all food he wants along with the Beatles music.

I love Bob. Bob. Rest In Peace with all applesauce with hot-dogs.

ginithekiller — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:42:38 GMT

locked! comment to be added, :D

yes. pouting.

ginithekiller — Mon, 05 May 2008 03:39:42 GMT

I do not mind writing in my livejournal.
it is great to vent out!
but, the problem is I don't really get any advices that often, and I don't know what to do, ever. So I stopped writing in my journal about anything.. and I don't know who read my journal besides Mary.
I got disappointed when no one commented or did my survey :'(

So, please comment if you read my journal, if not, I will de-friend you.

I need a favor.. I have DeviantArt and I need suggestions on what to improve to look better.. Can you guys see my Da and suggest what I could do? (http://thejerkx.deviantart.com/)
Pwease?

the worst disease

ginithekiller — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 04:47:02 GMT

All I ever try to do is help people. :(

12:29:45 AM cocoacupcakelove: min boo do you have a sweaty butt
12:29:47 AM cocoacupcakelove: be honest
12:29:56 AM wissahickon123: uhh?
12:29:57 AM wissahickon123: no
12:29:58 AM wissahickon123: why?
12:30:21 AM cocoacupcakelove: someone tipped me off about your sweaty butt problem
12:30:27 AM cocoacupcakelove: i can help you

12:30:34 AM wissahickon123: uhh?
12:30:35 AM wissahickon123: wtf?
12:32:03 AM cocoacupcakelove: you don't have to live like this
12:34:13 AM wissahickon123: wtf?
12:34:43 AM cocoacupcakelove: i hate to see you in pain
12:34:47 AM cocoacupcakelove: and humiliation
12:34:50 AM wissahickon123: uh?
12:34:55 AM wissahickon123: what r u talking about?
12:35:03 AM cocoacupcakelove: i've seen infomercials about this
12:35:13 AM wissahickon123: what does that means?
12:35:38 AM cocoacupcakelove: don't play ignorant with me
12:35:51 AM wissahickon123: i think ur not gini
12:36:19 AM cocoacupcakelove: that's silly
12:36:44 AM cocoacupcakelove: min boo i know the most intimate details of your life after living with you
12:36:53 AM wissahickon123: come on
12:36:56 AM wissahickon123: dont play with m
12:36:57 AM wissahickon123: e
12:37:00 AM wissahickon123: r u kidding me?
12:37:11 AM cocoacupcakelove: i'm not. sweaty butt problems are very serious!
12:37:22 AM wissahickon123: ohh
12:37:23 AM wissahickon123: me?
12:37:34 AM cocoacupcakelove: yes
12:37:41 AM wissahickon123: uhh
12:37:46 AM wissahickon123: no i am not sweaty but
12:37:48 AM wissahickon123: butt*
12:38:00 AM cocoacupcakelove: i have pictures...
12:38:08 AM wissahickon123: ohh
12:39:34 AM cocoacupcakelove: http://www.scn.org/~yento/butt.jpg
12:39:39 AM cocoacupcakelove: i knew it
12:39:46 AM wissahickon123: uh?
12:39:48 AM cocoacupcakelove: why couldn't you tell the truth
12:39:51 AM wissahickon123: do you think its me?
12:39:57 AM cocoacupcakelove: of course
12:40:08 AM cocoacupcakelove: i got it from freeminwooporn.com
12:40:20 AM wissahickon123: ohhh
12:40:23 AM wissahickon123: i didnt
12:40:53 AM wissahickon123: its a joke?
12:41:38 AM cocoacupcakelove: min boo your parents should know about your porn enterprise
12:41:45 AM cocoacupcakelove: and your sweaty butt
12:41:54 AM wissahickon123: plz just stop it
12:41:57 AM wissahickon123: are you kidding me
12:42:05 AM wissahickon123: my butt is not like that picture
12:42:11 AM wissahickon123: cuz that picture is a white butt
12:42:16 AM wissahickon123: mine is asian butt

I think an intervention must be staged.

ginithekiller — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 00:16:37 GMT

No, I don't want him talking to me.

:) test.

ginithekiller — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 19:39:08 GMT

Create your own Friend Test here

ginithekiller — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 00:58:54 GMT

Comment with your favorite quote based on life, more like motivational.
Because I am going insane, I am doing a project. Filling a wall with quotes. so Please comment with your favorite quotes! Thank you!!

ginithekiller — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 00:17:00 GMT

I have nothing to update except that i got new medicine, Imitrex shot. YES I DO PUT IMITREX IN MY LEG. *exhale*

okay. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GLORIA. :)

ginithekiller — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 22:52:25 GMT

How many times has someone on your friends list posted about something and you were really confused, but you didn't want to ask because you knew you should know? How many times have you felt 'guilty' asking a close LJ friend a question that should be 'obvious'?

Well, here's your chance.

If you've missed a few things, missed an entry and are confused, ask me anything. Even something extremely basic. I'm not allowed to get even slightly irritated at any of the questions -- we've all missed things before.

(seriously
ask!)

paid userpics and account

ginithekiller — Mon, 25 Dec 2006 16:29:41 GMT

Chuck!!

Thank you!

ginithekiller — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 17:12:57 GMT

Happy Holidays!

I hope you guys get wonderful presents from santa. : )

stolen from lolitaevadaisy

ginithekiller — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 18:21:43 GMT

It's a Happy Holidays feel good meme:

Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one (or maybe even several) of the reasons I like/love/adore you. Then, if you wish, you put this in your own journal and spread the love. If you see that someone else has commented here and you wish to say something nice to them as well, please do so.

:)

ginithekiller — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 01:26:09 GMT

i am enjoying ruining my own life.
with
Chocolate
caffeine
hiphop class
homework
staying up late
being depressed.
low self esteem.

AH i need a counselor.

you know how many kids hated fish?

ginithekiller — Sat, 19 Aug 2006 01:25:57 GMT

i was one of these kids. i hated it. i thought it was disgusting and rude to eat fish. i thought fish were beautifullest animal ever.

so i never ate fish until i was around 8,my father went out to cook tuna which i though it was chicken. well it looked like chicken! i ate it and ate more. my father said," you like the tuna?" i gasped," THIS IS FISH?!" i puked and screamed"gross" everybody laughed

since ever that time, i was very careful, asking my parents,sisters what those food were before i ate them. but every once in while, i would eat shrimp because they are ugly creatures except jumbo shrimps, they are scary. but i wouldn't like them very much.

I have to tell you, tonight, my parents and i went to a japanese resturant. my father ordered sushi, i ordered beef nagaski for appeitzers. I decided to myself, i should try because many people said it is good for our bodies, and tastes good. so i tried yellow tail sushi. IT WAS DELICIOUS with soy sauce. for the first time ever, i actually liked eating fish.

good story,eh?

growing up.

ginithekiller — Thu, 03 Aug 2006 13:07:18 GMT

as i am sixteen, i want to go out there and explore the real world
yet im scared of going out there
i don't know why
maybe its because of people i will be meeting along the road
i hope,hope,and hope that these people would be my friends that will change my life.
scared of fianical problems,relationship problems, all of the kinds of problems!

ginithekiller — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 17:41:36 GMT

people are beginning to piss me off easily.

I AM IN LOVE WITH JAMIROQUAI

ginithekiller — Sun, 09 Jul 2006 14:29:46 GMT

even this song!!!

"comsic girl"

I must've died and gone to heaven
Cos it was a quarter past eleven
On a Saturday in 1999
Right across from where I'm standing
On the dance floor she was landing
It was clear that she was from another time
Like some baby Barbarella
With the stars as her umbrella
She asked me if I'd like to magnetise
Do I have to go star-trekking
Cos it's you I should be checking
So she lazer beamed me with her cosmic eyes

She's just a cosmic girl
From another galaxy
My heart's at zero gravity
She's from a cosmic world
Putting me in ecstasy
Transmitting on my frequency
She's cosmic

I'm scanning all my radars
We'll she said she's from a quasar
Forty thousand million light years away
It's a distant solar system
I tried to phone but they don't list 'em
So I asked her for a number all the same
She said, step in my transporter
So I can teleport ya
All around my heavenly body
This could be a close encounter
I should take care not to flounder
Sends me into hyperspace, when I see her pretty face

She's just a cosmic girl
From another galaxy
My heart's at zero gravity
She's from a cosmic world
Putting me in ecstasy
Transmitting on my frequency
She's cosmic
Sends me into hyperspace when I see her pretty face
Sends me into hyperspace when I see her pretty face...

She's just a cosmic girl
From another galaxy
Transmitting on my frequency yeah cosmic, oh
Can't you be my cosmic woman?
I need you, I want you to be my cosmic girl
For the rest of time

i made a bag out of evelyn's ripped pjammys.

ginithekiller — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 04:51:49 GMT

yeah. i have pictures of it and PLEASE IGNORE MY FACE KTHX
[lol]

i love how the bag is wonderfully made from evelyn's [mysister] pajama pants!
please comment and critize.

a question.

ginithekiller — Sun, 18 Jun 2006 16:33:35 GMT

i always wake up, then I immediately go downstairs and eat food.

is that a bad thing?

careers

ginithekiller — Mon, 12 Jun 2006 00:37:27 GMT

4 careers im considering.

Psychologist- i've always gave my wisdom/advices to people and they certainly helped. i love long thoughtful conversations with people who feels lost,lonely, whatnot.

Nurse- basically almost the same reason as psychologist and i love needles, and im used to hospitals and love to meet patients.

teacher-i don't like little kids. but i like high school. they are somewhat mature and i like to [sometimes] to teach and aid them in education.

baker/business-as you can see i love to cook especially cookies and foooooood! business- i always had a dream that i start a business to build tea house for tea party, having a garden nearby to eat/talk/look around in. i would give the customers specialized cake/cookies/tea sandwiches/tea for the customers. it would be awesome for lolitas meetups!!!!! :) [mary-thanks a lot for making me obsessive with lolita and tea] lol

alright. time for my life post.
now i have a boyfriend named mike : ) i somewhat like him, and hate him at same time. i guess it's love. haha he lives in new york. omg im going to new york city this friday. im so excited! i think im going to take the ferry and going to garment district. i need 50 dollars. hmm. GINI- GET A JOB, YOU DUMMY whoops. i am thinking about getting a job at Homegoods. i already got the appication but i am not sure if i could. because im going to West virginia to help my cousin who is going to have twins!! also i might have summer school,ugh. lot of things going on.
my grandpa and my grandma recently died of cancer. i miss them dearly. i miss going over to grandma's to see her, hug her. i miss seeing poppop, although it was scary to see him in pain. i would kiss him on the cheek and hold his hand to remind him i love him. that is how i tell him since i couldn't speak or whateverz.oh man, i miss him. anywho. i feel so fat, i ate too much today. now i am all bloating and full. ahahahahhahahahahahahah. ok.
i got to do that math take home test.

ginithekiller — Wed, 31 May 2006 01:57:53 GMT

so time for a happy post!

i got into t-shirts reconstruction/deconstruction few weeks ago by got fasnicated by generation T book.
lol.
Front.
back
side.

sorry about previous emo post

ginithekiller — Wed, 31 May 2006 01:53:00 GMT

so time for a happy post!

i got into t-shirts reconstruction/deconstruction few weeks ago by got fasnicated by generation T book.
lol.
[Unknown LJ tag] Front.
back
side.