Drifting A Way

Writer's Block: Poetry Break

2012-01-10T16:23:07Z

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

- Edgar Alan Poe

Writer's Block: What's been seen can’t be unseen

2011-06-29T19:18:49Z

There are three that immediately spring to mind, “Daddy's dyin' … Who's Got the Will?”, “Dr. Otto and the Riddle of the Gloom Beam”, and “Mom and Dad Save the World.” Apparently the IMDb gives these flicks 5 stars out of ten. Amazon buyers love them too with one earning 4 out of five stars. Thankfully the Rotten Tomatoes group rates these much lower. They have in common a central question: Why? Why in that they ever saw the light of day?

Daddy's dyin' reunites a dysfunctional family to see their father one last time and … other than that there is no plot or reason to even watch. It is a pointless flick and if I am going to watch something pointless I'd rather laugh while doing it.

Dr. Otto is one of the early Ernest P. Worrell films except that here he plays a villain with hands or maybe it is just one hand on the top of his head. The plot revolves around good versus evil and focuses more on the hero, a dogooder, who has never done wrong. In the end he is tricked by Evil Ernest nee Dr. Otto as Evil Ernest knows he will never press the button marked “bad” on the bomb. The “good” button blows everything up and the world becomes quite dystopian with the hero at the end of the movie now sitting on an old car while his helpers push it around looking for gas. Evil Ernest appears with a hat covering the hand(s) at a station they come across and tells them there is not any. The hero and company shove onwards while Evil Ernest takes off his hat and chuckles with his minions. I liked Jim Varney but this was easily the stupidest and least funny movie he made.

Mom and Dad Save the World. Why? Why indeed. This film is just a vehicle for Jon Lovitz to a play moronic and bumbling villain who kidnaps the wife of some schmo on Earth. It is up to the husband to free her and save Earth from destruction. The top reviewer at IMDb wrote in praising it, “a perfect crack-head adventure,” before backtracking a bit and saying “by crack-heads I mean hyper and jumpy imaginative types like myself.” Yeah sure. I am guessing it does work seeing this movie on drugs, Dr. Otto too.

I had the misfortune in seeing these three at a friend's place over an odd assortment of leftovers before she went bankrupt. She was one of those video pirates the Motion Picture Industry would have hated. By pirating really bad films though I suppose that is how she avoided detection and nowadays who does VHS? I am not sure she made any money by doing it though.

Not valid ideas

2011-06-21T14:37:37Z

My latest attempts have fallen alongside my efforts to preserve history, recycle more, and exchange postcards. So trying to improve my health = FAIL. I get it nothing I do will ever amount to anything so why even bother? Why even try to get in shape? Or eat better? Or try to cure ailments? No, not valid. Not good.

At least my teeth were ok.

getawaypoint @ 2011-06-11T21:44:00

2011-06-12T04:42:18Z

In the midst of not feeling too good, let me share with them there and y'all my lovely dreams/nightmares from last night. In it I am trying to keep something hidden, a secret. It is a frustrating process and I end up falling asleep next to two white lions. Per Dreammoods the secret “represents hidden power.” Something is emerging from the unconscious. A lion “symbolizes great strength, courage, aggression, and power. You will overcome some of your emotional difficulties.”

Other things: I ascended finally in The Kingdom of Loathing with this one character. The number 11 … and then I went somewhere. Last month I mailed off the last of a series of postcards. The number … 11 … and then I went somewhere. And when I think about it … I might have helped there that number of times too.

The ascension went fairly good considering I was just going with half the items I might actually need.

Summer is coming soon. Perhaps I will succeed. I have to change things though, and soon cannot come fast enough.

Right now I'd like to lie on my back in the centre of a circle, crossed arms and legs. I close my eyes, breathe deeply, and exhale all my pain and problems out into the universe.

Holding pattern

2011-06-09T18:53:55Z

Everything seems to be on hold at the moment. I am not sure what to think about that. I want and need to go back to school. Everyone keeps cutting back and cutting back. If you are not progressing forward then you are dying. Hence I believe America is in its death throes. It will get ugly. It did not have to be this way but that is the way Those In Power wished it to be. Thanks a lot dickheads.

My lovely ideas, without money, and others to support, wither away.

I need to get some more images while I still can, recycle some crap, burn the rest.

It is so disappointing to try to rally around, make headway, and try to get over the hump, and … fail.

I have my goals but no vehicle to reach them.

I think we all need to try and just be as happy as best we can in this life, existence. There are no practice sessions, everything is for real, and you have to bring it or at least fake it.

getawaypoint @ 2011-06-06T23:30:00

2011-06-07T06:29:06Z

Same agonizing shit. With family like mine, who needs enemies? I understand very well why my brother takes off and lets no one know where he is. My so called parents collapsed my house of cards solely to feel better about themselves. Then they goaded me over some damn papers that I already filled out a dozen times before so what was the big fucking deal? Rachel was right five years ago to leave and never go back. Did I ever do anything people suggested? No … and I am suffering for my stupidity.

I think I can eek through the night. Next time I will call that number. It is getting bad, conflict does that.

I wanted to … but it has been all for naught.

Here is a Craigslist rant I came up with earlier but naturally could not get Craigslist to post.

For every legitimate poster there is an equal amount of fakes or flakes. So 1:1:1.

Take for example the person who needed an item moved to Bellingham in a timely matter. When contacted she felt unsure about how someone would drive from Tacoma to Bellevue to pick up said item and then onto Bellingham. Could it be … the freeway? Why yes … yes it would. This person was illogical and did not seem all there. Verdict – Flake.

Consider the free offer of shot glasses with odd logos in a U-Store-It facility. This person said to call them. The number went to a voice mail and I left a message. They sent an email saying to call them. I did, again, voice mail, left message. Finally after playing around they sent another email to “pick up the shot glasses by 1:00 PM or else” at 3:30PM. Verdict – FAKE!

Then there is the time I responded to a free ad for hockey sticks. I needed one for a Halloween costume so I bitted. The man who replied to my inquiry went off on a rant about how everyone on Craigslist is either a fake or a flake and that there are no legitimate people anymore. He demanded I pick up the hockey sticks immediately … at 10:30PM in a darkened area in a unfamiliar part of town. I went and … got them. Verdict – Legit!

So there are legitimate people out there after all but bear in mind you will come across a fake or a flake before finding one.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

I think I will go to bed now. Maybe the pain pills will kick in.

Roadblocks and Back to Reality

2011-06-06T00:57:20Z

Apparently I was wrong to try to better myself. Fuck you State of Washington. Health care should be available to all not the fucking rich. The rich, they should be slaughtered, their funds put into a community pot so we can actually work on improving society. We need money for researching various diseases to find cures or treatments but grants are being cut. Kill the rich and give those monies to science. Education, roads, environment, public safety are all being sacrificed so the rich can get their tax breaks. Sacrifice the rich and reap the benefits. Am I being too bold? Too crazy? Well the state of Washington is throwing me under the bus, budget cuts and all, and the most dangerous thing in the world is a person with nothing to lose. FDR realized that so he created the WPA, CCC, other acronym agencies to put people to work. Obama Lama Ding Dong won't do that because he serves the rich. Fuck him.

As for my health … well that bridge seems a good place to solve that problem.

Feast of Saint Ryan, and other things

2011-06-04T08:59:30Z

Today, June 4, happens to be the Feast of Saint Ryan, one of many odd or obscure holidays, Saint Tibb's Day, etc, I have added to my calendar over the years. The Feast of Saint Ryan is devoted to a legendary brewer that emerged from a series of role playing games in the late 1990s. Thus beer and merriment are in order. We all could use a party.

I have been troubled by recent events in the world, economy, ecoterrorists, loss of history, etc. It seems as soon as I finish trying to document something … it goes away. I need to go back and get a few somethings before it is too late. History and research need to be saved.

It seems to me that I should really think about whether or not I see myself having kids anytime in the next ten years. My parents had my brother and I later in life. I have known others who waited until they had money or met that special someone even at 40. Then I have friends who are in their 20s and have decided that now would be best before things get worse, while they are younger, healthy. I do not know what to think. It seems like the natural tendency. But like my parents and those others, I was always trying to save up, to be responsible, and to bring a child into the world and be able to take care of that takes a bit, time, patience, money, commitment.

I also need to see if college is in the cards. I really, really, really wanted to go back. I felt that finally I was ready, that I had a goal, an idea, some direction. Sometimes life cruelly says no, you had your chance, and you blew it.

I have slowly started to take better care of myself. I need to find a new dentist as the old one retired and the person who bought out his clients only took the ones she wanted. I should schedule a doctor's appointment as well.

I had a teacher whose motto was “Carpe Diem” “Seize the Day.” He lived life to the fullest. I worked with a cook who always encouraged trying new things. “If you want to do something, do it.” I told myself by the time 35 came around I should better have a plan or solve what was bothering me.

As for dating prospects I know one who has tried to nudge me towards getting back into the waters. I prefer safe. Maybe a co-worker I know would be cool with going out. I need to take care of myself first or if I do run both at the same.

Friends. I have been hard on them. It is not easy …

I have not liked myself for some time, and in reading books like “Crafting the Body Divine”, I realize I lack self-esteem and confidence. You need those things to carry yourself. People find you more attractive when you are confident, love yourself for who you are and what you are doing to improve upon. Yes this is some content I gleamed from the book, but I have to start somewhere.

I just … need to be me. I need to build up. I need … yes the help of others. I need to start caring even more so when detractors chide me and deride my efforts.

Maybe … I am needed here after all … by somebody.

Tuna, Tuna, Tuna

2011-05-31T17:22:26Z

The year is almost at the halfway point and how far have I progressed on my resolutions? I wanted to go back to school, did the financial aid application, looked around at those colleges that responded, and … failure. The bad men want their money first. I would give them it but there is no guarantee that they would not just cash the check, say they never received, and come after me again. So my response? Fuck you.

I wanted to improve my health, work on taking care of things, and how did that work? I tried, I failed. No one cares so why should I? Really fuck everybody.

If I am the only person doing all this research and who actually cared? I do a bang up report on a bridge, no one gives a shit. Why am I doing this again? Something for me to do besides panhandling? Fuck all of you.

I used to want to go on a long hike and just … drop off the side of a cliff. Oops. No one would know, care, and then well maybe it was an accident? I like the outdoors too much to do it though. I end up wanting to stay around feeling the cool breeze, warm sun, and smell of pine needles. New plan, same as old but instead of a cliff it is … well I won't say in case someone actually tries to prevent me from carrying this out. Save yourselves, it is already over for me.

Ever notice those websites devoted to those who did kill themselves actually had things working for them? You think, “But they had a job … they had people who loved them, they were attractive. How could they?” I suppose we all have our reasons. They might have been better off than I but when you see no way out of a hopeless situation I guess we are all in the same boat.

Off to run errands, if I can get the will to even bother with.

Trouble at the Smelter or Somewhere behind the 8 Ball

2011-05-30T07:29:46Z

It has been a mixed bag for me really, not too bad but certainly not good. The same two fucking dreams/nightmares have returned. Will I ever be free of them? Probably not.

I feel like I am so far behind where I need to be. People stupider than I have reached their potential while I have either flailed away or given up. I should be that successful person. Why not me? So I waiver between wanting to throw myself of a bridge or trying to push against the tide and improve my so called existence. It is frustrating to not make any headway. Maybe it will take longer but I really, really do not want to wait forever. I do not have that much time.

Just a few more things to tidy up with my postcard foray. This seems to be following the six phases of a project, something I first saw posted in a math class back in school. Those phases in case anyone wonders or cares:

Enthusiasm

Disillusionment

Panic

Search for the guilty

Punishment of the innocent

Praise and honours for non-participants

I know who the guilty are, but if I say anything I might inadvertently get someone else in the cross-hairs as well. Unless of course by bowing out, that would constitute punishment for the innocent as I actually cared about them to send stuff? The postcrossing card I sent that was AWOL finally arrived and was registered.

I do know I need to work on getting healthy, assuming of course I do want to live. What goes on out there really makes it hard sometimes to keep going.

I need to see friends, places, events, maybe for closure, maybe for inner peace, maybe just to say hi.

Those nightmares though. I don't want to go to sleep if I have them over and over. Yes I know unconscious, dealing with others, childhood insecurities, and unresolved issues. I probably should reconnect with some, recent friends mostly.

I need to be further along. I need to be doing something more.

Maybe things will work out but only if I stop waiting for others and take initiative myself.

getawaypoint @ 2011-05-24T23:55:00

2011-05-25T06:55:33Z

It seems to me like this is one of those times where I should not do too much of anything or I wind up pissing everyone off. Good. Great. Whatever. It is like nothing is getting done but it should be but if I try too much it goes to hell.

I came across a pair of requests on a postcard exchange, an offer I had not gotten around to doing. Hopefully my order comes though and they can get them and … I will be paid up as it were. No more obligations.

I liked doing that or I thought I did. I could imagine them getting something in the mail, something other than a bill, or a general “Occupant” flyer. Perhaps I was too naïve. Perhaps I did it for all the wrong reasons, orphan archetypes tend to do those things.

I wanted beauty, to experience joy again, and love, to be loved. It is as if I never even existed. Even a school I know I went to has no record. Maybe it is just as well. I had some people who believed in me, thought if I kept at it, I could make it, or make the world a better place.

I have no voice, I have no method of reaching goals or dreams. There is a lot of frustration.

Blame? I'll take my cuts. I am not perfect, I have screwed things up, overreacted. Not everything is my fault though.

End Game

2011-05-22T03:03:36Z

Reality has set in. I know why those in nursing homes scream “No” repeatedly until they have to be sedated. They know the end is coming and they want someone to do something about it. They want to break free of their decaying bodies and do things they used to be able to do, things they loved to do, things they wanted to do if only they had the time or money. Nothing can be done. I know how they feel. Nothing can be done about my situation too. Am I that near the end? I have a feeling those on the way out can see who might be the next to leave this mortal plane. Yes that would be me. The details are uncertain and I try to pull though the crap I am dealing with, finding a way to keep productive, or at least pretend that whatever it is I am doing will matter, to someone. Some comfort.

I have an increased interest in others lately. I wonder how they are doing or what their plans are or some such. The sidewinder sleeps though. I have the image that I am flailing wildly trying to get someone to notice. I had come to the conclusion of improving my health, resolving concerns, etc. It is over and in the past I'd say I have postcards to send or pictures to take or some reason to hang on. I tried, I failed. They won, I lost, lost everything.

I can usually remember what was going on when I was attempting to take pictures of bridges or historic buildings. Someone on a talk radio show was discussing the passing of a pro wrestler as I drove from one bridge to another shooting a ton of images and getting only a fraction that were near decent. Sometimes I get under a bridge to take images of the girders, beams, joints, etc and I kind of just want to stay down there. No one would find me, no one would bother to look. I see things from a different perspective, one that is apparently not valid.

In each of us there are stories, mine will never be heard and I had many.

The rains have returned. Once I thought if I stood in the rain long enough all my troubles would wash away. A fresh start, a new life, coming clean. Not in this lifetime.

Restless

2011-05-18T05:23:21Z

Anyone ever feel that they need to be doing something important but don't know what it is? Or perhaps one feels like their skin is not their own and deep down their need to be who they really are?

Social media seems to be dying. What is the next big thing? I want in on the ground-floor. Do I want to be hounded by psychotics from grade schools two decades ago that somehow now want to be “friends” but could not be bothered back then? No. If I was the outcast then how could they even understand me now? There is a list I have of people or places over the years that meant something personal to me. I have endeavored to see as many of those as possible lately. That waterfall from 1994, made it there. Whatever happened to so-and-so? Answer in a chance encounter. I know now but they will likely never suspect. Closure I suppose. Some other past friends who now also reside near Tri-Cities. Maybe I will make a photo shoot out of it. As long as I can let go and move forward.

I tried some history thing, email, etc. Few care. It may be time for me to let go of that too. They like to say “It only takes one person ...” but they fail to say that this happens quite rarely. Got to have Hope or Spare Change or the masses go crazy.

My brother tells me to let go of my dreams too. Be realistic. I cannot make it. But I do not want a boring, dead life, or existence. It needs to be more interesting. I need to be doing something. Yesterday was nothing. Today was nothing yet I could have done something in the sun. “If not you then who?” Nobody that's who, and that's the problem. I am just one individual. But I do need to be true to myself. I need to at least try. I would like to emerge from the chrysalis transformed into something beautiful.

Where's the action?

2011-05-17T05:43:47Z

Not much going on here or anyplace, Facebook nothing, email crickets, snail mail … I now check twice a month. Where is everybody? Hello?

Ok so I reconsidered my pictures and decided to try to … revamp them. It is a dirty word in the photo business, removing the dots in photoshop. Oh well. The pristine images I may enter in a contest just because. Maybe I will gain feedback, people may go … hmm, or some such thing. I tend to capture objects like buildings or scenery. People? Well I tend to have reservations but maybe I should try to do more of those. I am thinking some sort of whimsical or art pieces. I liked Lisa in the tree. That was cool. I tried it myself but it was a bit off somehow. Longer hair maybe?

My mood has been all over but I think I really want to get crap done. Yes do it. My one friend who tried to do everything to escape the hell she was in was on the right track. You just need an extra hand to guild you while you are trying to gain traction.

Heartbreak

2011-05-15T06:57:39Z

All the images I took on my trip have dots on them, same location, everytime. This has been a problem before but never this bad. It is not the lens as I cleaned that too many times to count. I give up. I guess I was not meant to take good pictures, show the world something new, or basically be somewhat normal.

I sent out a postcard to a friend. I never did get the one she was talking about. C'est la vie.

Yeah I think I will delete all 400 of those images. What a waste.

Nothing ever goes right for me.

Flowers never breaking through …

2011-04-26T17:32:15Z

Why is everything going on this weekend? There are several things I want to participate in and yet I can only do three. Friday and Saturday I am in two places. Sunday is open to either two history events or a baseball shindig. Now I have received some invite to a pancake kickoff on Saturday. I can only guess the next weekend I have planned will be even busier. After all those days of nothing, something occurs all at once.

My latest dream excluding the weird school dream which has the same theme of either resolving childhood problems or “a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life … going through a "spiritual learning" experience,” involves rocks. Why rocks? Indeed. It was on a trip and we stopped at one of those tourist traps “World’s Largest Something-er-other Rock.” After entering I was dismayed to find the “rock” was only a stone in a Plexiglas case mounted on a pedestal. I demanded to see the real rock, which they finally admitted they did have in a back storage area. They claimed the forklift broke trying to move it out. Who moves a large rock with a forklift anyways?

So rocks symbolize strength, integrity, and stability. “The dream may also indicate that you are making a commitment to a relationship or that you are contemplating some changes in your life that will lay the groundwork for a more solid foundation.”

The stone is roughly the same in regards to unity and strength but can indicate a quest to recognize and develop my self identity, becoming aware of suppressed thoughts or the unconscious.

In other news perhaps I should not have left Facebook because of a few people I know there that I never really hear from otherwise. I kind of miss them. Yes I do not like to admit I need other people. The old John Wayne do-it-yourself with a shotgun and true grit is ingrained in almost every American. No need for help.

I do not like to admit errors either. This because I want to be perfect, but as someone else told me, “Only God can be perfect.” I did not add anything to this conversation.

On the Edge

2011-04-23T01:51:04Z

Bad day gets worse. No matter how hard I try I just cannot break out of this funk I am in. I want to go left and I end up going right. Up is down and vice versa. I am not sure if it is a Philadelphia or not. Maybe it is some other frame of mind.

I hear that if your relay your feelings in writing or blogging you can find some sort of release. It may help your health getting it out in the open. I could use that I guess. I should go back to writing. I had good ideas, good plans.

The best intentions go astray. I tried writing in Chinese to someone in a postcard exchange as that was their only language spoken. It went over like a lead balloon. Apparently my writing that I thought was coherent was not. Fine. Be that way. I went to try another postcard address to do better with someone else but the website no longer exists, a victim of the Amazon cloud computing failure.

I have been on the edge of collapse, not suicidal but just the feeling of grasping at straws or ropes or something to keep me from falling further. I go to pull and the rope slips off again and again. I have this notion of calling someone, anyone, and talking nonstop. Someone has to care or at least pretend.

My brother is gone, out there somewhere. He is trying to find himself out in the wilderness. I need to figure out things also. What is the next step?

I just want … peace … and love, to be loved and understood.

So much for trying

2011-04-22T17:19:14Z

I have tried for over one hour to make corrections to my application for financial aid. I have made no progress. Their website is a piece of shit. I mean a piece of fucking shit. It is so bad I cannot get anywhere it is that bad. Links clicked take you back to where you started. I am basically stuck with two colleges that I cannot change, at all. I was trying to make it something different but alas I must be cursed. I want to fucking succeed. I am tired of being poor and having no direction, and sick of being tired. I want to break free … NOW! Not tomorrow or three years in the future … right fucking NOW!

Quite the obscenities no? But there is scientific proof that swearing makes you tolerate pain longer and I am not feeling good let me tell you that.

Is anything normal?

2011-04-18T18:10:58Z

Some days have transpired since my brother had a meltdown fueled by desperation and lack of funds that boiled over into everyone else’s lives. He went and bought something, an impulse purchase, and then immediately regretted it and wanted to forfeit the money in spite of already committing to get it. He ranted for hours, declaring that everyone was against him. So my “father” orchestrated a plan to get the item in the midst of an endless monsoon. This place rains more days than sun. You get use to the constant gloomy skies but the rain, “When will it ever stop?” you wonder. Brother is finally happy, for now. The item sits in the modified sunroom he constructed out of the remains of the patio, last summer’s project. This time it will be a piano.

I have to wonder if I am missing something from my life. I see young couples in love and people wanting to be with someone and I think “Why not me?” Then I hear of couples hating each other, cheating, stealing, staying together for the kids, or wanting out and I think perhaps I am onto something by not getting involved. Committing to someone opens up a whole can of worms, like extended family. Maybe mother-in-law never thinks you’ll be good enough for her son/daughter, maybe she is a fucking control freak and has to manipulate everything even if it is some mundane thing that no sane person would give a crap about. To paraphrase or corrupt a Red Green quote, “People know what they are missing and they are thankful they are missing out on too.” Whatever.

You know I was going to write about people I work with from time to time and the myriad politics that are involved with doing the simplest of tasks. But I don’t care. I like some of them but I think I need to do something else.

For the first time in a month I had dreams, weird dreams, the kind where a dead relative is actually alive somewhere in a nursing home someplace and wants to come home one last time or making your way through an eroded coastline as homes sit perched on edge waiting to fall into the stormy seas or getting a bin of mail and each envelope is a project that needs to be done by someone and it may have to be me. Actually I did have a bizarre dream the night before about a train bridge designed by a famous physicist who had ventured back in time to do so. What do any of these things mean? Dream Moods, a website I sometimes stumble upon has this to say on each. Relevant interpretations are below.

Dream # 1 – “To see the dead in your dream, forewarns that you are being influenced by negative people and are hanging around the wrong crowd. … Alternatively, the dream symbolizes material loss.”

Could be true.

Dream # 2 – “To see a house in your dream represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche. In general, the attic represents your intellect; the basement represents the unconscious, etc.” “To see an old, run-down house in your dream represents your old beliefs, attitudes and how you used to think or feel. A situation in your current life may be bringing about those same old attitudes and feelings. Alternatively, the old house may symbolize your need to update your mode of thinking.”

Ok so the house was not run down just waiting to fall. In going across the coastline I found myself going through basements. Why? This is a dream here.

“To see the coast in your dream, suggests that you are on a spiritual quest. The coast symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind - the rational and the irrational.”

The other meanings were “The coast is clear,” which does not seem to make sense or “coasting through life.”

Dream # 3 – “To dream that receive mail, indicates that you need to communicate or re-establish contact with someone from your present or past. It may also represent messages from your unconscious or intuition.”

Considering my past, maybe it is a message from the unconscious. I am not sure who would want to connect with me or if I should even bother?

Dream # 4 – “Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage.”

The run-down bridge means “Don’t change now.” The bridge is this dream while old was in a good shape, others wanted to tear down because of its odd, unconventional construction. It crossed a canyon and people were BASE jumping off of it. Ergo it has to mean a transitional period right?

“To dream about time travel, indicates your wish to escape from your present reality.”

Another take involves me romanticizing everything. Yeah I don’t think that’s the answer either.

Final Conclusion – I am on a quest for meaning and may need help from people current or past to get through this phase of my life because I want to escape what is going on now and need to move on to greener pastures.

Or I am just weird.

If there is a break in the weather I may take some images of things. I had hopes of getting some this weekend but felt a little depressed about what was going on, see paragraph three.

For the want of a pen

2011-04-13T16:57:34Z

I came up to the other house to find a pen, a certain pen to write on a postcard. The surface is glossy and not workable with ball point. I needed one of those very fine Sharpies and one that was not in pastel colours. I get a confrontation with my so called brother. He hates me. He hates everything I do. Usually I would not let it get to me too much but this has been the third straight bad day in a row. I want to be done with this. I am sick of the struggling, trying to get something done, and receiving little support from my so called family. Apparently I embarrass them and am a burden. Thus I have mulled a name change but in actuality I need to break free.

But since I am a burden thoughts of suicide have resurfaced. They would not have me around and they would be happy. They could move on. I have searched online suicide methods and some interesting sites on description turn out to be “Are you sure you really want to do this?” ones. I don’t know anymore. Yeah sticking around would be a way to get back at them. I have maybe half a lifespan left so maybe I will fall in love again, or get to see someplace special, or make it. I just see so much failure right now though.

The postcard if I get around to finding a decent pen will/would go to a person I was thinking of collaborating on a historical bridge project. One of the things to try to do instead of killing myself, write a book.

Others out there have their own problems. It has to be me that gets this done since I basically have no one else willing or has the time or resources.

It’s raining again.

Name Yourself Day

2011-04-10T06:52:49Z

My Oriental Trading Company calendar declared that this was Name Yourself Day. I went over some names. I have considered a change.

Jordan Courtney Blair

Anyways life is too short not to try something new.

Postal rates are going up. I will have to get new stamps for sending out things.

And friends? One I want to hug right now.

Searching

2011-03-31T06:10:20Z

In going through things I discovered books, books I do not use or will likely ever use. I was trying to find my press pass only to realize I need a new one. Grr. So much for that idea. Books, on the other hand, maybe I could participate in a book exchange.

I think I will keep The Hero Within. Damn if I am not the Orphan. Pseudo Altruist for probably all the wrong reasons. I hate this. I want to help I want to get better so what is getting in the way? Oh lots of things. What Orphans need most, love, opportunity to be heard, realization that not all faults are the individual, and a program of action to help take charge of their own lives. I want to be heard, I want to love and be loved. I need a way to reach my goals, such as they may be.

I have now received postcards in the mail, the Close Effect Redux. Maybe I should not have vented on that, but it was seeming weird not to had much in return. Maybe I complain too much, a drama queen.

My brother is supposed to be arriving soon. Nothing has changed in the meantime which translates to likely has gotten worse. I got him some of his favourite root beer. Hopefully that will cheer him up somewhat.

I want to save this one thing but the deck may well be stacked against me.

I hate politics. It can turn a molehill into a mountain purely on ideological purity. This means screw them. Focus on your own task at hand.

I need to be who I want to be.

Losing

2011-03-28T03:20:17Z

I am not doing well. I realize that this year may be it. I cannot see myself lasting much longer. Granted it might happen but I just cannot. I have done all the calculations. Take for example the case of my brother who has a Master's degree top of his class and … no job. Frank same … no job. What is education for when there is no work? Oh yeah it is for organizing the revolution that will top the evil Demo-Republicans and install a real leader in the White House. Of course The Powers That Be are so happy the majority of citizens have not caught on to do so. Just have them keep fighting amongst themselves about how unnatural gay marriage is while the looting continues behind the curtain.

My mind is seeing really, really bad things. I want no part of it. “Were you born to resist or to be abused?” “Live free or die!”

Most days are so miserable I do not write about them. I tried to escape, traveling around town taking pictures, sending postcards, trying to get out and do something.

I close my eyes and I can see everything … going … away. Nothing I can do. I have no voice. I have no power. It is like death is already here.

I did reach two hidden bridges, K Falls, …

We all want someone to reach down and save us, but most won't get that help. Is there a God, a “Higher Power”?

“The surest way to heaven in my book is by saving helpless people and animals.”

“A true disaster waiting to happen is the loss of a historical item that stands alone on earth.”

So much for something to do

2011-03-26T05:50:42Z

My evil brother is coming back. I say evil only because he is not happy about coming back and that makes him angry. When he gets angry, stay the hell back. He failed in his dream state. His friends moved on and left him, and this hurts. I am not sure what will happen. Maybe he could get a doctorate overseas but I suspect he will lie around just fuming and lashing out. The pains of living, suffering, frustration.

I need to leave, but where?

I sent something to someone. Maybe they will appreciate it. My postcard exchange group has been a mixed bag at best a dud at worst. Ok so I send out a bunch of friendly, informative cards, and I get … you should be able to guess … nothing! Now some are not the writing type and maybe I did overdo it but shouldn't I have more exchanges, or any exchanges? This is not I send stuff and you are thankful and give me bumpkiss in return. Was that on the sign as I entered I do not recall seeing that?

Not sure if anyone cares about the images and data I am still accumulating. I want to say yes but who knows anymore?

Modern radio sucks. Preprogrammed shows and DJs. “Call now and place a request.” If you try to do so you will speak to some call centre in India and they will say “You betcha.” Hang up and listen only to not even hear said requested song ever. I gave up after three hours.

I keep waiting for something good to happen. Perhaps in 2085 if I am still around.

Come and get it

2011-03-22T16:50:07Z

You know what I get for trying to make this fucking world a better place? A bunch of fucking shit. Well fuck you all. I am not sad or grieving just pissed off and would like to take a chainsaw to every fucking low life scumbag politician who is engaged in class warfare. They want a war? Bring it on! I have lost just about everything in my life. Nothing to lose? What do you have? A job, trophy wife, money? Rebellion in Patagonia! Never forget and fuck you!