every time it rains, i know it's good to be alive . . .

helping out in the ways that we can.

2012-11-05T03:39:44Z

since i'm not in the city, i have been trolling for ways to help out with the sandy aftermath. (i hate feeling so far away.)

turns out fandom is already on it! fandomaid is awesome.

i am offering a story (at least one, maybe more depending on the size of the winning bid) in as many fandoms as i could think of, and i'd be more than happy to add another if you want it. most of you know what i write, but i am willing to stretch my proverbial box. i could even do mystery series that no one ever really seems to want, so if you want something, just ask. if i can read it/get a hold of it/watch it fast enough and connect to it, i will be more than happy to write it. i mentioned any YA books/series because i've already read so many of them, but it's true of all books (including old school canon books, "classics", random fiction, and trashy thrillers. though i don't think i could write a mystery myself.)

also i put west wing on the list. i think i might have one more in me, so if you want one of those, this is your chance. i doubt i'll be writing it in any other case.

my auction thread is here: bid now!

there are a lot of offers starting to come in, so see if there's something that tickles your fancy, or if you want to offer something.

anyway. it's a good cause! you get a story and i get to feel like i'm helping! somehow!

off to take a shower.

dear yuletide author of goodness

2012-11-01T04:19:01Z

dear yuletide author!

you are so amazing. this is just frosting on the cake, dear author. writing one of my requests is present enough indeed.

however, in case you wanted to know more: i am a canon freak. i like angst and sadness and reality. this year i picked happier fandoms than most years (i really don't know what is up with me!) so there isn't as much room for angsty sadness, but if you want to kill someone off, i am your recipient. (no, really.) the only thing i don't really want is a lot of sexing, or even really a focus on relationships like that. i am not against then, i just love the characters more. if that makes sense? go ahead and put some sexing in, if you're going that way, but also have some plot? and really, really, really, i am not a fan of AUs.

but i adore all my fandoms this year. just offering them make me so so happy. seriously, there's no way you can make me unhappy here. i am so excited!!

for more specifics on my requests, click below! and i think pene knows my likes and dislikes more than anyone right now. fox1013 is another good resource.

Lumatere Chronicles - Melina Marchetta

basically i just want more of this world. more more more. you can't go wrong here. i chose the first three women because i thought no one else would, but i want more of ALL of them. i love lirah's fierceness and her survival, phaedra's adaptability and heart, and i didn't feel like there was enough of beatriss and trevanion. the relationship between beatriss, tessadora, and isaboe. the flatlanders, the river folk. the ideas of boundaries and borders, between people, family, cities and countries. i like canon. a lot. i've read "quintana" so no worries about spoilers! but if you haven't, it doesn't matter. plot, character development, background, whatever, i will love it. (quintana, celie, augie and albie, vestie, jasmina, harker, lucien, arjuno, gargarin, froi, perri (!!), etc. are not on the requests, but feel free to throw them all in or leave them out. i love everyone, basically.)

basically i said everything in my request, but for some reason i am feeling "froi" as my favorite of the trilogy these days. (this changes weekly, it seems.) i think it's because i reread it in preparation for "quintana" and i was just struck by the weight of these characters and their hearts and capacity for love and forgiveness while still carrying such burdens. and i love this world. i would be happy if you even wanted to create a new character set in skuldenore. (i also have a soft spot for jehr and sud. or any of the other lands.) but really. i don't think you can go wrong here because I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SERIES.

Code Name Verity - Elizabeth E. Wein

isolde von linden and the question - what did you do during the war, daddy? or - this is a fandom where happy endings are okay, though i need an acknowledgment that bad things have happened. a holiday might be nice! jamie and maddie after julie is gone. mitraillette after the war, finding peace. and i am not tied to any characters. i would like a happy ending, i think, but not an AU. i love canon, so please don't break that. but speculate! (but not ignoring the realities of the war - these people are all broken in places.) that was the brilliance of the book, the balancing of the laughter and tears and dreaming and reality. i have read this book half a dozen times. how did georgia penn end up? did anna ever get a red dress and a kiss? go wild! i love it!

i read this book as a galley back in spring. as a galley, it had no markings in it. so the suspense was even MORE for me the first time through, because there was absolutely no hint that things were underlined. (you can read my review for this on goodreads - same user name there.) mostly, i love the reality of this story. the heartbreak. and how the final kiss me, hardy was the greatest and most difficult gift fly the plane maddie could give. this was the time period in which i focused at college, so it's hard for me to not have things be historically accurate (which is only part of the reason i love this book so hard). i love that wein took the hard line and reality and went the way she did, so an AU isn't what i'm exactly looking for, but if you want to go that way, i will still love it because you are writing for me and that is so exciting!! i also love the secondary characters (georgia penn really interests me. same with isolde - how does she grow up after her swiss school? does she ever know? and i would love to know how anna ends up. even a passing sentence. on anyone.

suri's burn book

oh my heavens. i picked this fandom because i laugh laugh laugh at the blog. part of me wants a whole party with suri's commentary - what if katie forced her to go to violet's birthday with zuma and blue ivy and mason disik? what happens when kate gets pregnant? what would suri do if tom or katie started dating again, and go pregnant? how long until she files for emancipation? what were the best parts of scientology - clearly she doesn't miss the time with the pinkett-smiths! (poor willow.) and of course, the epic story of the Boy That Got Away, cruz beckham. snark, and possibly even being forced to go to a holiday party. being forced to wear a costume. etc. etc. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG.

so, usually i like kind of depressing things. but this tumblr came into my life AND CRACKED ME UP. and there are so many options here. the withering stares! the disgust! the JUDGEMENT! i want snark. and scathing remarks. and all the things that make the tumblr what it is. the relationship between suri and her parents, all the other celebrity kids, I LOVE IT ALL. whatever you do with this, i will love it. i mean it.

THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU. I CAN'T WAIT. just do what you love, and i'll love it.

eeeee!!!!

dear writer so dear.

2012-10-09T04:57:37Z

yo, femslash writer! welcome!

whatever we matched on, i will be happy. there was no real order to the choices here. hooray for loving lots of women in different fandoms. :) thank you so much for writing for me! :)

i like things dark and twisted. i like things complicated. no happily ever afters - i like happily beginnings though. or stolen moments. or things in between. i like strong women making decisions. i like hand holding and making mistakes and making up and trust issues and reaching out together across dark voids. manipulation and friendship going hand in hand. but also softness and tenderness when surprising.

i don't like bette and tina together. can't really explain it, but yeah. i have only read birds of prey/batgirl . . . and before the reboot. though i am trying to get the new trades as we speak. so. that's why most of the characters are the ones they are. i love huntress the best, i think, the mafia's daughter version, but there really. strong women. kensi blye is awesome and she's so good with the boys that i want her to have a little fun herself. though please, please, please, not with nell.

i have almost all my stuff on AO3, and if you have any questions about what i like, there are lots of people (pene is a good bet) - but the best way is probably through the mods.

regardless, i will love whatever you write, i promise. and if you want it happy, if happiness is your thing, go for it. i will love it. yaaay!!

do you think i'm a pervert?

2010-12-16T02:46:51Z

hey my vegan and educated food people!!

my parents are having the annual bishop's dinner at our house. people spent a ton of money to bid on dinner, at my house, with my mom cooking, and the bishop in attendance.

this year, there is someone allergic to seafood.

but more importantly, there is a vegan. almost all my mom's recipes involve mayo, cheese, etc.

we need ideas for appetizers, dessert, side dishes, etc. the no butter and the no egg makes things hard, because my mom makes all her own crusts, stuffs her own mushrooms, etc. or if you know of easy substitutes? it's a dinner for 18, so it's hard to just make things for just one person.

(my mom is an excellent cook. we don't know the extent of the veganism, so we are erring on the side of really vegan. and that means mom can't make her fruit tart because it has jello in it.)

PLEASE HELP, INTERWEBS.

dear yuletide author made of win:

2010-11-20T11:23:02Z

Dear Most Fabulous Yuletide Writer:

you are awesome. no, really. i kind of had a smorgasbord of requests this year - i missed the nomination round and didn't get to nominate my perennial requests, though i *did* find fandoms that i, of course, adore. which is AWESOME. which is why you are AWESOME. because you like these fandoms too!

the four most important things to know about me:
1. please no boyslash
2. please no incest
3. please feel free to get all dark and twisted
4. please, if you are putting in any historical or psychological reference, pretty PLEASE research well!

(you know how some people are jerked out of a story if there is bad punctuation? i am shot to neptune when the history/psych doesn't make sense/is factually wrong.)

this is also to say that i am okay with pretty much everything else. i mean it. kill people off, have horrible things happen (with the exception of smekday) - ask anyone, dark and twisted are my twin loves. (for all questions i refer you to gamesiplay and fox1013 - one is the male half of my brain, the other understands my complete devotion to YA. and let's be honest, YA is where some of the best writing is happening these days.)

but i know you are going to be awesome, YT writer. you know how i know? i just do. kind of like patrick jane. only not with the circus background.

onto the requests!

1. Richelle Mead - Vampire Academy

so i honestly think this is one of the most overlooked series out there. the writing is brilliant, the characters are amazing, and each book builds, releases and maintains tension, which is pretty awesome. like i said, i will be reading "last sacrifice" as soon as it comes out, but i know the release date and deadline are close, so don't worry about that - it's just if you were afraid to spoil me or anything, no worries!

rose hathaway is one of my favorite heroines ever. i love her agency, her sense of self, her guilt, her love, her strength. i love her mom, i adore abe. i don't really care for romance all that much, so it's a testament to how much i love these books - but what i mean to say is, please don't focus on D. i know, i know, that's asking a lot when asking for rose, but i feel the books do a very good job with that and i am not left wanting more of that relationship. what i do find myself wanting more of is: adrian, adrian and rose, adrian and lissa, adrian invading dreams, christian and rose teaming up, rose and lissa, black lissa and rose, the first "shadow kissed", mia, rose, lissa and mia, rose and mia, etc. etc. basically i would love anything you conjure except adrian slash, christian slash, or a lissa/christian focused story. i also think road trips are AWESOME, so one before the books or after the books? totally love. i mean, basically, anything where there are kick ass women. such a great series.

2. Adam Rex - The True Meaning of Smekday

VOCABULARY LESSONS. oh, be still my beating heart. i love j.lo with a complete dedication. gratuity is the best grade school kid out there. PIG is a HERO. i love this entire world, i love the humor, i love the subtle references to our world today, i love what smekday IS, i love love disney (though i prefer disneyland to disney world, i have been to both, so).

basically this is the first fandom i have ever requested where i don't necessarily want dark and dreary. i would be happy with humor here, because that's why i love the book.

so really, you can't go wrong. if they are old and dying, i'll take it. if there's another attack, i'll take it. if you want to have j.lo learning holiday traditions? GIVE IT TO ME.

there is no wrong or right here. anything, anything you write will make me happy. i adore adam rex so hard. and this story! the PICTURES! AHHH.

3. Dead Poet's Society

so, when this movie was released in movie theaters, i scared myself silly and left. (we were late to the movie and, not being a fan of anything scary, was already worried about something that had "dead" in the title.) but then, i had my first celebrity crush. oh, robert sean leonard, how you STILL have my heart.

obviously, this is the fandom where the real psychological kink stuff can happen - though it doesn't have to. i love neil, and i find knox the cutest thing ever. i also love love poetry, i love the idea of ideas inciting action, of truly engaging with a text, and i had a teacher at my all girls boarding school that was very mr. keating. I LOVE THIS MOVIE. i love the characters, and i am VERY VERY EXCITED to see what you do with them.

(just please don't slash any of them. and keep all the others, with the exception of keating and possibly todd, to a minimum? i don't see slash in this movie because of when i saw it and the thought of slashing them just ruins me a little. plus i never really liked pitts.)

i am actually easy to please. ;) don't let my blathering scare you. i am just prone to rambling about things, and you know. IT IS YULETIDE! i will love whatever you write, and i hope you are as excited to write one of the fandoms as i am to read something in there.

NOTE: i will be traveling for the holidays and will have limited internet - if i don't comment right away, or only leave a brief one, please don't get worried - i will just be a little stuck. but then! I WILL BE FREE TO SING YOUR PRAISES FOR YEARS.

rock on in the yuletide spirit, my friend.

fic: I Came This Far Across the Tracks (Friday Night Lights, Tyra/Lyla)

2010-09-02T23:34:38Z

I Came This Far Across the Tracks

fandom: friday night lights
recipient: likeadeuce
pairing: tyra/lyla
rating: pg
disclaimer: texas is a figment of my imagination. really.
notes: many thanks to ip, for last minute beta work. this was a pinch hit i was lucky enough to get!

summary: But way back where I come from, we never mean to bother,
We don’t like to make our passions other people’s concern,
And we walk in the world of safe people, and at night we walk into our houses and burn.
(Dar Williams)

*

It was one of those nights that happened more than either of them cared to count - out with the boys, Texas forever, piles of crumpled beer cans. Of course, only in the off season, only once a week at most because Jason was careful with himself. Perhaps that was the worst part of it all. Jason never drove drunk. He always showed up to practice on time. He loved the game, and not just because he was a star. Jason worried about injuries and stupid mistakes. He wouldn’t even think about going on a ski trip Lyla once suggested; the risk was too high.

But Tim, well, Tyra would swear sometimes that Tim was better drunk than he was sober. Tim didn’t care. His best friend was going places, and he would follow. Wherever Jason wanted to go, Tim would go too. He’d be his best man, his bodyguard, his wingman. Jason knew Tim for who he was, didn’t try to change him like everyone else. Texas forever. Always.

They were sitting around a fire in a can, Tim and Tyra leaning against the back of Tim’s truck, Lyla sitting on Jason’s lap. It was Jason who brought it up, which is maybe why Lyla went for it. But it wasn’t Riggins. Both girls agreed on that.

“So, uhh,” and Jason was laughing, reaching for another beer, trying not to knock Lyla in the dirt. Tim grinned at him. “Have you, you know, what I mean is, Tyra, you’ve, you know-”

“Oh spit it out, Six. Jesus, you either need to drink more or stop all together.” Tim let out a loud short laugh and Lyla shot Tyra a look, but Tyra just raised her eyebrows back. “What is it you want to know if I’ve done?”

“Well, since Mindy, is, you know-”

“A stripper, yes, I think we have my family covered, thank you, Jason Street, star quarterback of the Dillon Panthers. If only the State could see you now -”

“Hey, Tyra, lay-off, man. He’s just relaxing a little. Havin’ some fun.” Tim lifted his beer up to Street in an air toast. To what, didn’t matter. Solidarity, that was the key. Tyra just raised her hands, staying out of it for once, and leaned back against Tim’s chest.

Lyla poked Jason’s arm. “Stop being rude, Jason. If you have something to ask, ask it.”

“Well, yes, Miss Lyla Garrity, I suppose I have been being a touch rude.” Lyla smacked Jason lightly on the arm. “Anyway, what I want to know, Ms. Collette,” Lyla smacked him here again, a sigh of indignation sounding rather petulant, but Jason continued, “Is if you have ever, uhh, kissed another girl.”

“Jason!” Lyla shot out of his lap, a look of complete shock on her face. “That is not an appropriate question to ask anyone.”

“Well, her sister is a stripper,” Tim defended.

“And this is Texas, I’ll have you remember, where no one takes too lightly to any weird sexual stuff,” Tyra said, crossing her arms. “We’re not all football players who like to slap each other’s asses and wave our penises around in the air like they are swords or something and get away with it.”

“I’m with Street. I would pay good money to see you make out with some chick. That would be hot. ” Tim leaned back and almost leered at Lyla, who was focusing most of her attention on Jason. “Definitely hot.”

“Glad to know how quickly you turn into my pimp there, Riggins.” Tyra tried to sound offended, but she wasn’t, not at all. Let’s face it, her sister was a stripper and her mother was no role model. Had she ever even had a shot for a strong male figure in her life? Or a female that wasn’t hitching herself to a man just to survive? It wasn’t like Tim was the ideal man either. Who knew, Tyra thought. Maybe women could be better to each other.

But Lyla, Lyla couldn’t stay quiet. This was going too far, too ridiculous, how much had Jason had to drink? And no, it wasn’t because she was driving everyone home that night. Tyra would attest to that - Lyla was on her high horse even when she was drunk as a skunk. Which was another reason the whole night was so surprising.

Lyla took the bait.

“What, you think it’s sooo hot to see two girls making out? Why, you think we have slumber parties and braid each other’s hair and have pillow fights in our pajamas with ruffles and lace?” Tyra could tell that’s exactly what the boys wanted to think, whether it was true or not, but Lyla’s soap box was too big for her to see over. “How about that boy who was killed in Wyoming for being gay? You think because you have girlfriends and play football life is all easy and perfect. As if Tyra wouldn’t be run out of Dillon if people thought she was dating a girl. But it’s all fine to think about and fantasize about. What is it about men and the objectification of women? Don’t you know there are girls in Africa who are being raped before puberty because the men know if they are virgins they won’t have AIDS? Do you even care? No. Jesus, you two. All you care about is football, and Texas, and girls. Well, happy early birthday, Jason. I hope this is what you wanted.”

And then Lyla was pressed against Tyra, lips and body and breath, and Tyra wanted to looked shocked and offended that Lyla was just using her to make a point, but man, she could kiss. She could understand why Street would keep a girl like Lyla Garrity around and not cheat on her. Those lips were amazing - I-know-what-I’m-doing lips, but pliant and soft at the same time. That Madonna-whore thing her English teacher was always talking about, the class she would almost have to repeat thanks to Mrs. Taylor a year later, was definitely something Lyla had down cold. It didn’t hurt that if Lyla was kissing Tyra, there was no way Lyla could talk. So even though Tyra wanted to push Lyla away, she didn’t, because, well, hell, why not give the boys a show if they wanted a show?

So Tyra’s hands were quickly under Lyla’s shirt and Lyla opened her mouth and Tyra pushed her tongue in. She half expected Lyla to bite down, and hard, but Lyla grabbed Tyra and pulled her closer, kissing and kissing and kissing. It was better than kissing Jason, though she would never admit it. It was better than any kiss she’d ever had, because there was no pressure. She didn’t like Tyra and Tyra didn’t like her. This was just proving a point. It didn’t matter. It definitely didn’t matter that Tyra really knew what she was doing with her tongue and her hands. Lyla laced her fingers through Tyra’s short hair and twirled her fingers. Tyra made a noise of surprise, and Lyla almost giggled - but that would have ruined the moment, and so she didn’t.

It was Tim’s clapping that finally broke them apart. Jason was just sitting there, mouth open wide, his face a cross between learning the Easter bunny doesn’t exist and throwing the winning TD at State.

Lyla flipped her hair with the practised ease of a girl who spent her entire life waiting to be on varsity cheer squad. She fixed her glare on Jason. “Everything you ever imagined?”

Tyra wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

Later, when Tyra was sitting on Tim’s front porch after the All-American Couple dropped them off, Tim turned to Tyra.

“That was seriously hot, man.” Tyra rested her palms behind her, leaned back and looked at the stars. “I mean, the way she just, well, jumped you, and then you two were going at it. I mean, I never thought that little Miss Texas Princess had it in her, you know?”

She didn’t even look at him. “What, Tim? Lyla Garrity give you a hard on? That what you tryin’ to tell me? Cause feel free to go chase that tail all the way to kingdom come. It ain’t happenin’.”

Later still, when they were in bed together, all sweat and grunts and bruises, Tyra thought about Lyla. She thought about Lyla’s lips, and the way Lyla’s hips moved, and how quick Lyla was to ask if Jason was happy. If Tyra were honest, which she was when it came to her relationship to Tim, at least, mostly, she’d acknowledge it to Tim. Because Tyra might have had problems passing algebra, but she knew Tim Riggins better than she knew her own mother. And Tim was thinking of Lyla too, and the way she looked closing the distance between her and Tyra, the way Lyla’s dark eyes closed when the girls kissed.

*

It happened again. Small towns keep their secrets, but Lyla and Tyra knew too many of the same people to avoid each other for long. So when Lyla cried about how she was cheating on Jason with Tim, Tyra knew how Lyla felt. When Tyra and Tim broke up, again (and again), Lyla knew what it was like. Lyla found God, and later, she found Tyra again. When Buddy gave Angela a job, who could expect them not to talk about the stupidity of their parents? Who could blame them for yelling at each other, throwing things - at least, Tyra threw things - and then trying to erase it all in any way possible? They watched each other change from the sidelines. Cheer-leading wasn’t as important. Tyra started listening to Lyla talk about Vanderbilt and got a meeting with Mrs. Taylor. Lyla cast a secret ballot for student council president.

It was never more than that though, peripheral, secondary, two planets circling the same stars with different orbits. Paths sometimes crossing, they would kiss, they would touch, they would tell the truth. It only lasted for moments each time. But they would inevitably meet again, in a hallway, after a practice, at some party. And there was always that spark, that sense of recognition, that something that made Lyla think of how she used to read Anne of Green Gables all the time when she was younger, wishing she had someone like Diana to be her bosom friend. Not that she would ever tell Tyra that, not that Tyra would ever really understand what Lyla meant.

If anything, Tyra was used to people leaving. So when Lyla managed to get herself financed to Vandy, it didn’t break her heart, didn’t keep her from saying things about silver spoons and “If I had a Daddy with money like Buddy,” even if everyone knew it wasn’t true, Tyra most of all.. And Lyla was quietly proud that Tyra followed through and got into college, that she didn’t become a rodeo groupie, or whatever they were called.

It keeps happening, of course, because it’s Texas and there are secrets in Texas. Dillon is no exception. The girls leave Texas, but Dillon doesn’t leave them. Jason’s in New York trying to make things work in a way that makes Lyla terribly proud and Tyra terribly sad. Tim’s still in Dillon. Lyla and Tyra get out the same way - college - but Buddy’s in Dillon, and so is Mindy, and now the baby. Even now, Tyra still catches her breath a bit every time she sees Lyla’s lips.

Turns out, it really is Texas forever.

fic: all cracked up to be (buffy/faith, BtVS)

2010-09-02T21:21:58Z

all cracked up to be.

fandom: BtVS
recipient: shadowings
pairing: buffy/faith
rating: r
word count: ~3500
disclaimer: nothing is ever mine.
warnings: no one dies. it's unusual for me, i know. nothing terribly traumatic. though it is buffy/faith, so it's not exactly puppies and rainbows.

notes: thanks to intl_princess for the hand-holding and beta-reading.

summary: It’s the end of the world, like always, and while the world isn’t lacking potential, it needs doers. Set in late s7.

“The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere/The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst/Are full of passionate intensity.”
(william butler yeats)

*

The house is crowded. When it was just her and her mom, the house was often quiet. Though Joyce tried to be home, Buffy was always throwing her bag of stakes out her bedroom window and disappearing into the night. It wasn’t like the house was ever empty empty. Willow, Xander, Angel, even Cordy showed up sometimes in the beginning. Buffy runs her hand along the banister as she heads downstairs and tries to sneak outside before Dawn can find her and foist breakfast on her. Oz, Tara, Spike, Giles, Riley, Amy, Dawn, Anya - the list goes on and on. People have lived and died in this house. Many of them. Demons have lived and died in this house. Many of them. Buffy doesn’t forget anyone anymore, not even Ted.

There are sleeping bags in the hallways, and pillows in corners. The dining room looks like an ancient library and some computers exploded together. Books, notes in fifteen different handwriting - not to mention the ones in other languages entirely. It feels like home, and it’s never been home. Home is where the heart is, she thinks. She heads outside in the sun to see how the Potentials are feeling today. To see how Faith is doing being a teacher, a role Buffy never thought she’d ever see.

To pretend everything is going according to plan.

*

Dawn brings everyone lunch from Subway and pointedly watches Buffy eat. Buffy sticks her tongue out and rolls her eyes, “Happy, Miss Dictator? I should get you a little mustache,” and Dawn smiles hopefully. Buffy knows it’s hopeful, because it reaches her eyes. Dawn rarely smiles like that anymore.

Faith turns the Potentials over to Giles, who starts in with the history of some demons and where to attack, blah blah blah. Even though Buffy’s older now, wiser now, even though she knows the value of Giles, she can’t help herself. Lectures bore her. She’d rather be fighting it out somewhere than sitting still. But letting the Potentials know that wouldn’t be smart. Buffy has to be A-OK, on board, with the team, exclamation point! She has to let them believe they have a chance. Who knows, maybe they do.

Buffy lets out a harsh laugh and Giles quickly looks at her. She whispers, “sorry,” and raises her hands in placation. He gives her a stern face and turns back to the lesson at hand. Buffy closes her eyes and leans back on the palm of her hands. She decides to tan. Screw death by skin cancer, she needs her vitamin D. Besides, she’s always looked better with a tan, and if she’s learned one thing about dying, you might as well look your best because you never know what’ll happen.

Head tilted toward the sky, she breathes. Sunnydale smells a certain way. It’s a smell she’s learned to love, to associate with the people she loves. With being loved.

Someone plops down beside her. Buffy doesn’t open her eyes. Faith’s leather pants have their own smell, and yet it doesn’t seem out of place.

“What a rag-tag bunch you’ve got here, B. How could we have possibly ever been this bad?” Buffy opens her eyes a slit and looks over. Faith looks more than comfortable in her black pants and white tank, head tilted upward like Buffy’s own. As if they are flowers in a dark room. Buffy closes her eyes again.

“They have potential.”

“Yeah, that’s all they have. Hence the name, ‘Potentials’. Still not paying attention in class, B?” Faith’s voice is smokey and drawn out, oozing cockiness and leaking vulnerability. Buffy wonders what smell makes Faith feel like home, feel loved. She wonders if anything does.

“Anyway, I just came back to report that while no obvious progress has been made in the last, say, oh, thirty minutes, Willow is sure she’s got the right book now and it’s just a matter of time before everything gets clear. Oh, and Dawn wanted you to have this.”

Buffy opens her eyes and catches the ice cold water bottle tossed at her. Faith nods approvingly. “Nice reflexes. Glad to see that hasn’t changed either.” And then she’s walking into the house, Buffy’s house, like it’s her own, the screen door slamming behind her.

Catching a water bottle is child’s play, even with closed eyes. That would never change for Buffy. Other things change though. Like Faith. She’s half afraid Faith is going to crack one day in training and kill off half the potentials. She’s more afraid of the calm Faith projects. Faith used to be lightning in a bottle, just waiting for Buffy to release her, hitting the first thing she found. Faith used to laugh more, break the rules more, smile more. She also used to be in jail, so Buffy supposes it’s a trade-off.

The water feels good on her lips, and she drinks the bottle without a thought. Realizing she’s still thirsty and Giles is still droning on, this time about some old clan in Japan that dealt with a demon that was half-spider/half-samurai, or something like that, Buffy decides to go back into the house and thank Dawn. Making her sister happy is easy these days; she should try to do it more often.

Buffy catches the screen door before it slams, gently letting the latch settle into place.

“Dawnie?” There’s no response, but she hears voices in the room that used to have the couch and the tv and is now the bedroom of five girls who speak five different languages. Buffy hears Willow’s voice and assumes she’s talking to Kennedy. She keeps walking but then stops. It’s not Kennedy - Kennedy is outside, with the other Potentials. Willow never lets her skip out on Giles’ lessons, though Buffy is always inclined to give her a pass. Besides, Kennedy sleeps in Willow’s room. Joyce’s old room. Everyone is in a room that used to be something else. Everyone, that is, except Buffy.

“Seriously? You want to know what it felt like to kill someone? No offense here, Willow, but didn’t you kill someone yourself?”

Buffy freezes. It’s Faith. Of course, it’s Faith.

“No offense taken. It’s just that, well, I used magic to kill Warren. And magic was kind of, no, is kind of like a drug for me, you know?”

Faith laughs. “So what you’re saying is, you were totally stoned out of your mind and don’t remember a thing.”

Willow’s answer is almost too quiet to hear. “No, I remember some things.” Faith is quiet for a moment.

“Not something I talk about much, but I guess if anyone was to hear it, it makes sense that it’s you. It was a mistake, you know. That guy in the alley. Buffy and I were running and there were vamps everywhere. I guess I was a little hyped too. If magic was your drug, adrenaline was mine. If you keep moving, they can’t find you, right? Stay on your toes, strike first, kill or be killed. All things you use as a slayer. All meant to be used against the big badness. But you still have those skills, right? And you’re running and it’s dark and even with your slayer senses, you make mistakes.”

Buffy doesn’t breathe. Faith’s voice hasn’t risen, hasn’t done anything super dramatic. She’s stating facts, but there’s something in her voice that makes Buffy wonder if Faith was broken before she was even a Slayer, and if it can ever be fixed.

“So I’m the adrenaline junkie and there’s this guy that I swear pops out of nowhere - though B knew, because if I’m good, B’s better, and besides, it’s never been about the glory for her. It’s all duty, the Chosen One, yadda yadda yadda. Sometimes I swore she was like Giles’ little parrot following me around. ‘Don’t be reckless, Faith. Don’t be stupid, Faith. Face your fears, Faith. Trust us, Faith.’ And I wanted to, I really did. But I’m not B. Our wires are different, always have been. Not bad, just the truth. I saw something move quickly in front of me and I thought it was a vamp. I staked him, staked him good. Didn’t even notice how much more pressure I had to exert. Adrenaline, remember? Tricky thing, that, especially when paired with slayer strength.”

Faith takes a breath. “I guess what I mean is, I don’t know. I know I didn’t feel the way everyone expected me to after. I didn’t call the police. I ran. If anyone really knew me, they would have expected that. But I was new and this whole things was new still to everyone and you were right to be wary of me. But I didn’t mean to kill him. Later, it was different. Later, I knew what I was doing. And it wasn’t because I didn’t know. It wasn’t a series of mistakes. Well, life mistakes, yeah. But I did it for love.”

She laughs bitterly. “I mean, I sound entirely ridiculous -”

“No! I know I was just reacting because they killed Tara and the pain -”

“That’s the difference.” Faith’s voice is different now, harder. There’s an edge that could cut diamond. “You did it as revenge, because they stole your love from you. You wanted it back. I never had it. I did it because I wanted to be loved. Because I thought he would love me. Because I thought he knew who I was, who I really was, and he loved me anyway. I thought I was just being true to my nature. And yeah, I wanted him to keep loving me. So I did what he wanted. But that’s the difference, Will. I never had love to lose in the first place.

“Don’t. I know what you are going to say. It is what it is. But that doesn’t drive me anymore. Do I still crave the adrenaline? Hell, yeah. Do I still want someone to love me? It’s a stupid question. The difference is, I know now. I know what adrenaline does to me. I know what outside approval does. I know, so I can make choices. You were the bookworm. You had the plaid and glasses and everything. Wasn’t this in one of your books? Didn’t you read something trying to find the answer on how to fix Faith?”

Willow laughs. “You have no idea how many books I tried to check out of UC-Sunnydale’s library before I just gave up and hit the net.”

Faith gives a little laugh. “Please spare me the details of your diagnostic conclusions. I’ve had enough of the shrinking to last me a lifetime.” She pauses. “Maybe more.”

“Well, apparently when my heart gets broken, watch out. Black Willow comes out and doesn’t want to play nice,” Willow says. “What do you think that says about what’s inside me? The real me? Definitely shrink-worthy, I would think.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Faith replies. “I never thought I had a heart to be broken.” Buffy hears the sound of leather on leather, and Willow starts saying something when Buffy jumps, spins around, startled by a poke on her shoulder. “Whatcha doin’?” Dawn munches on an apple. “One a day keeps the doctor away!”

Buffy forces a smile. “I was looking for you,” and it isn’t a lie, and Buffy’s relieved because she’s tired of lying. “You want to bust out of here for a bit? I thought maybe I could take my favorite sister to -”

“Oh no you don’t. I am your only sister and this means you are trying to keep me from doing something or figuring something out. Well too bad, Buffy. I’m in this, whether you like it or not. I was the one that found Amanda after all. So what if I’m not a potential Slayer? I have potential. I have lots of potential. Potential you don’t even know yet! And-”

Buffy smiles, for real this time. “Can we just go somewhere and eat apples and braid each other’s hair and pretend we’re just two sisters instead of two sisters fighting off the impending apocalypse?”

Dawn looks at her. “Fine. But I’m still suspicious. I know more than you think. And while we’re out, how about ice cream instead of apples? I mean, I have eaten one already.”

“Let’s go, Dawnie.” Buffy pushes her gently toward the side door. No need to go out the front. No need to see Faith and Willow. None at all.

*

“It might not work,” she says, staring wide at the ceiling fan in the dark. It’s off; there is no movement. Faith doesn’t move beside her. “Everyone will probably die. And who’s to say it’ll be worth it? Caleb is so . . . so creepy and freaky and even if we stop him there will be more because there are always more and it’s not just vamps and demons anymore, you know? So let’s say this all works out for the best, which Dawn is repeating over and over under her breath, probably even now as I’m talking and she’s supposed to be sleeping, and then what? We’ve finished one big bad. There will be more. And now there are all these little girls, I mean, I know we were young, but it’s only supposed to be one in every generation, yadda yadda, you know the slayer mojo myth stuff, and this so isn’t going to work so they’re all going to die and it’s all -”

“We’ve already broken all the rules, B. I mean, you did with that Kendra chick. You’ve died how many times now? And who knows if another slayer would have been called up if, god forbid, I died, because isn’t that why I became the Chosen One too? The Chosen Two, you’ve always known that didn’t work.” Buffy feels Faith shrug beside her. “I want to go out fighting, you know? I know what I’m up against this time. No illusions of Caleb liking me or anything. Nope, it’s kill or be killed. I know where I’m at. I know where those girls are at. And have you seen them lately? Even Vi’s getting pretty kick-ass, and I never thought I would say that. So yeah, the odds aren’t in our favor. Who gives a fuck about odds?”

Buffy thinks about turning on the fan.

“The odds say you and I can’t be here together. There are no odds for this, B.” Faith shifts and her hand is on Buffy’s shoulder, and it should feel awkward, or wrong, but it doesn’t. It’s just there, like Faith is there and the Badness is there and the First is there and the ceiling fan is there. “And as I recall, we were pretty much unstoppable together. Plus, I found a higher power in prison! I’m more sane, that has to reassure you, right?” Faith forces a laugh and squeezes Buffy’s shoulder.

“No,” she says softly. “You were always crazy. Teetering on edges.”

“Still am, B. Why do you think I’m here?”

And Buffy hears the attempt at a smile. Faith’s hand is warm on her shoulder and Faith is the first thing that’s felt real besides the fact that she might be sending everyone she loves in the entire world to their death. Oh, and the world might end on top of it all.

Buffy leans forward and finds Faith’s lips with her own. They push back, and it begins. It begins, and Buffy finds it comfortable, strangely familiar. This is the dance they have performed so many times, all the more dangerous because they know each other’s weaknesses, strengths. How to play off each other. Different only in its form.

Faith parries back, her tongue and breath hot against Buffy’s ear. It’s been so long and tensions have been so high that Buffy almost comes right then, but Faith doesn’t let her. As soon as the heat’s there, as soon as it registers, it’s gone, and then as Buffy sits up to take off her shirt, Faith’s tongue is tracing the t-shirt’s trail up her body. Buffy bites her lip. The house is crowded. There are people around. There are people everywhere in this house. And they are the Slayers. The Chosen. They are the examples.

Faith sucks at one of Buffy’s nipples, her hands pinning Buffy’s above her head. Buffy lets her, arching into Faith’s mouth, all resolve gone. Buffy breaks her wrists free, reaching for Faith’s shoulders to pull her close. She lets herself moan in Faith’s ear, wrapping her legs around Faith’s hips. Faith doesn’t break rhythm, her fingers twisting in and out, a thumb rubbing hard circles. Buffy bites Faith’s shoulder, breaking skin, and Faith presses harder until Buffy is shuddering silently against her, breathing uneven and thoughts ragged.

She isn’t ready for it to be over yet, isn’t ready to go back to certainty of the reality they face. She traces Faith’s hipbones, her ribs. She is gentle where Faith was rough, she kisses where Faith left bruises. Faith tracks her movements with her dark eyes, twisting her fingers in Buffy’s hair. Buffy’s hands are strong and sure, Slayer hands, capable hands, killing hands. She has Faith beneath her and her hands roam freely, everywhere, nowhere, all at once. Faith can’t stay still, can’t keep from writhing on the sheets in Buffy’s high school bedroom underneath Buffy’s hands. A light breath between Faith’s legs, and Faith is quivering, shivering on the edges she so loves. A flick of the tongue and Faith is motionless, breathless, spent.

They lie breathing in the dark. Buffy rolls on her side, away from Faith.

Faith lightly touches her hair. Buffy thinks it’s a lie that blondes have more fun. She definitely didn’t win the fun jackpot. Then again, neither did the brunette or the redhead. She sighs.

“It’s going to be bad, B,” Faith whispers. “I know.” It sounds like she’s looking away from Buffy, and she has a sudden urge to turn and tell Faith everything will be all right. That they have each other’s back. That they’ve been through worse. That they are slayers, they were born for this. But the words get stuck in her throat.

“People are going to die. I’m going to feel responsible. You’re going to feel responsible.” Faith’s touch is suddenly gone, and Buffy feels the loss like an ache. “But we don’t make decisions for everyone. We don’t. We didn’t decide to become slayers. Those girls didn’t decide. But we are deciding to fight. And so is Willow, Xander, that crazy demon girl Anya - I swear, B, rabbits? - Dawn, Giles, freakazoid Andrew, even Spike. Agency, Buff. It’s what make a hero a hero.”

The room is tomb-silent. Buffy gives in and turns to Faith, trying to find her eyes in the darkness.

“I’m not a hero, Faith. I’m just . . . me. They all look up to me, and less than a year ago I hated my friends and family for bringing me back to life! I’m not a cat. I was supposed to die. That’s why you are here, you said it yourself. We aren’t supposed to exist, Faith. This is wrong. But there’s nothing I can do.” She doesn’t want to cry, really, that’s so ninth grade, but her eyes are watering and see? How can she be a hero if she can’t even control her tears?

Faith pulls Buffy close to her, her strong arms wrapping Buffy tightly. Buffy closes her eyes.

“You choose, B. We all choose. That’s what makes us heroes.”

Buffy lets the tears fall. The room is quiet again, the only sound the snuffling of her nose, and the rhythm of Faith’s heartbeat. She keeps her eyes closed, and lets Faith hold her like this. Lets Faith pretend for a minute that everything is okay. Morning will come soon enough, and they will both have to face the harsh reality of teenagers, growth spurts, ancient weapons and the impending apocalypse currently consuming their lives.

But right now, they are two girls that shouldn’t be alive, shouldn’t exist, not really. They are two girls who were once very young. They thought they had the world in the palm of their hand, leather pants and platform sandals, sugar and spice, naughty and nice. They thought together, they were invincible.

Right now, they are older. They know better, know things no one should ever have to know. Right now, they are together again, sugar and spice, naughty and nice, blond and brunette. Buffy doesn’t say she doesn’t believe in heroes. Faith doesn’t say she’s looking for the type of redemption that only comes with a six figure payment or a trip to the cemetery.

Right now, they are two girls, against the world.

recommending a present for me!

2010-08-01T22:17:04Z

you GUYS.

i opened my e-mail today all bummed out between studying and being at work, and there was a notice saying i had a gift story for me at AO3.

so i went, and it's a BOOK THIEF/HARRY POTTER CROSSOVER.

HOW GENIUS IS THAT??

i am so thrilled. Death talks about harry potter! and it's written really well, it's all colors and the formatting and lines like this: Whatever the reason, I grabbed his soul—a patchwork of broken pieces, hastily sewn back together—unceremoniously and dragged it away. and death has emotions and talks about books and hans hubermann and PIE CHARTS and.

you should read it. really. you should go read it now.

At the Sunsets I Saw Him.

the invisibility cloak part is absolute genius.

really. and man, it proves more than ever that "the book thief" is the greatest thing ever for fic. seriously, i love zusak's death so much.

maybe suicide's an answer but it's not the solution.

2010-06-09T00:11:54Z

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

please, today, take a moment to think about what you are grateful for. how lucky we are that we know we have people who understand us, who are there for us, for know us. who wouldn't leave us alone. i think about my family, my friends, my people all around the world, who text me and e-mail and call and make it so that even when i feel completely and totally alone, i know that i'm not. i have all of you, i have so. many. people. when i think about it.

not everyone has people. some people are completely alone, whether by choice or just the nature of things.

this weekend has been intense. and i realized why i want to go into psychology, also. i mean, i realized that i wasn't kidding myself when i think it's what i want to do and the type that i want to do. and i got one of the nicest compliments ever: that someone can see that i wouldn't just be good at it, i'd be great at it.

i know what i want to do now, and why i want to do it.

please go watch this video: twenty-three by mc lars

the song was written by MC Lars, who went to my sisters' school, whose mother is one of my favorite local librarians. (he has a facebook page with more information about the song, why he wrote it, etc.) he's a funny kid, he's a great kid, he's really amazingly smart, and the fact that he teamed up with AFSP just increases my appreciation of him and AFSP (which is the one foundation a year that can be guaranteed of my support). they not only do work with suicide prevention, but with suicide survivors, and families affected by suicide. there are 50,000 violent deaths a year in the us. over half of those are suicides. the suicide rates of middle-agers (45-54) has surpassed that of the elderly for the first time in recorded history.

raise awareness. reach out. educate. and appreciate the fact you are not alone, for whatever reason, because of anyone or anything. tell the people who love you, that you love, that you love them and appreciate them.

it takes just a moment, and you can never say it enough.

thank you, each and every one of you. you have increased the quality of my life, and i am forever grateful. thank you for reading, for commenting, for challenging me, for understanding. for simply being. you are the stars in my night sky.

we are lucky. all of us. so amazingly astoundingly lucky.

your assistance is requested, please.

2010-02-02T07:04:41Z

i need to start writing again because my brain is in this weird place where it's all "media! consume!" and then i can't turn it off because i can't seem to focus on anything.

yeah. that didn't really make sense.

anyway.

what YOU CAN DO TO HELP:

in honor of halfamoon, please comment with women you would like me to write. prompts appreciated, will try pairings, though no promises (unless it's like, you know, one i have written already). i will try lots of fandoms with this since they might just be drabbles, so why not. umm, just no RPF right now. otherwise, if you think i've seen it, go for it!

also smaller things will help me feel more accomplished.

harvest moon hanging low, blue moon on the horizon.

2010-01-03T14:37:03Z

so.

if i were going to make an effort to write more . . . professionally and less journal-like this year, and i was thinking about getting a regular old blog, (as in, one i don't have on f-lock almost all the time) and i already have one in progress for reviewing my YA reading . . .

what the heck do you think i could write about? somehow i don't think a daily discussion about whatever random thing comes into my head will work. i want it to be more . . . i don't know. like those crafty blogs. or the cooking ones. or the ones about interior design. only i don't really do those things.

sigh.

maybe the book blog will take all my energy, but i feel like i need another goal for the year, and a blog might be a neat way to track it. maybe something mindfulness related?? I DON'T KNOW.

what is interesting about me? :P

anyway, tomorrow is work, and i need to sleep. if i had a better camera maybe i could try to take a photo a day. i wonder if jackie would let me borrow hers . . . though i have no idea how to use it. hah.

i pray justice comes to those whom harmed you.

2009-11-30T05:05:14Z

there will be a longer and more update-y post later, but first i had to share this:

cruelty to great whites happens and isn't okay

i know i'm always praising the mb aquarium, but seriously, they are so humane and wonderful and their shark research program is amazing. they definitely prioritize the animals.

great whites are absolutely amazing creatures.

this is definitely torture, and the farallon islands are a PROTECTED AREA. how dare they go there and stick giant freaking fishing hooks into these amazing animals and not even GET THE HOOK OUT.

this article makes me want to cry.

Dear Yuletide Writer!

2009-11-15T04:44:53Z

dear my lovely yuletide writer!!

first and foremost, anything you write will be fantastic. also, i know i requested kind of random and obscure things. don't feel bad or obligated to write what i suggest. it's just an idea. and for the record, i'm just keeping the karin slaughter request alive year after year - don't feel bad if you can't/don't want to write it.

second, i like the dark and twisted, so it doesn't have to be a happy ending. however, if you're feeling the spirit of the holiday, go right ahead! (but i really like twisted stuff.)

feel free to ask fox1013, iamsab, and/or girlboymusic to find out anything you need to know about me. :) and i'm pretty much all about friendship here.

and on to the requests!

Request: Markus Zusak - The Book Thief

Character: Death
death is one of my favorite narrators ever. i absolutely adore this book and recommend it to so many people, but i feel like this book is so complete and perfect, that i would love to see death deal with a different situation. the armenian genocide? rwanda? OR you could play cross-over fairy here, and have someone die in another fandom. but death POV is essential here, and zusak's specific death with his strange devotion to humans.

i wish i could write this story, but i have tried, and i can't get death's voice right. (i'm far too cynical and snarky. this death *likes* humanity!) so really, anything you do here would make me happy. i love this character, so much. i want more, i have wanted more, ever since i read the book - death was my favorite. i felt for him so much, having to do this job he didn't really ask for, trying to stay distant because everyone goes away. oh, what heartbreak! really, ANYTHING death POV here would make me happy happy.

Request: Karin Slaughter - Grant County series

Characters: Any
i request this every year, and i will continue to request it. i love this series - the backstory, the relationships, the violence, the fact that she doesn't shy away from horrible things happening. lena, tessa, and sara are my favorites, but i love the idea of contrasting the sisters before the series starts - and exploring why sara doesn't like lena so much. will is awesome also (though no angie please!) and if you want to work with "undone", it might be cool to see what's happening back in grant county while sara's away. but seriously, anything here would make me sooo happy.

really, anything. i love the girls. even if you want to explore life back with nell and possum, or focus in atlanta, or backstory on ANYONE . . . man, yeah. but i know that no one offered to write it this year, so no pressure. ;)

Request: thirtysomething

Characters: Ellyn Warren/Hope Steadman/Melissa Steadman/Nancy Weston
i'd also love a story with susannah. i love susannah - i would be susannah in this group of people. but nancy's my all-time favorite, i think, and melissa and hope and ellyn are just so perfect . . . i would love a story where hope is legitimately psychologically in trouble (so. many. possibilities!) or dealing with the fact that janey doesn't talk and is, say, autistic. or just the women talking about hope's holiday kink. ANYTHING. i love them. but i love nancy the best.

you don't understand how much i love this series. you just don't. i actually could NOT stop crying after watching gary's funeral. like, it was just so. damn. perfect. and it was partly so perfect because of nancy. i LOVE NANCY WESTON. you have no idea how much. but i also love ellyn and melissa and want them in my family. and hope's the crazy aunt you have to put up with that doesn't let you in the kitchen at the holidays because you can't slice the potatoes thin enough. and susannah - oh, how i relate to susannah. susannah story after we see her leave for new york. susannah and possibly melissa? again, YOU CAN DO NO WRONG.

Request: Once and Again

Characters: Grace/Jessie/Judy/Karen
i would be happy with anything but rick/lily, to be honest. i love grace, and i love jessie, and i love karen sammler like i love nancy weston, which is to say a LOT. and judy! aunt judy is so awesome. i like the "discarded" spouses better - jake and tiffany, karen and her depression. a story from aaron's POV might be totally awesome too. (clearly, i love the psychological.) i think grace acts like a middle child which is interesting because she wasn't - so why? i love jessie because she spoke up and went to therapy, and karen because she insisted that jessie go. oh, this show!

i can't stop thinking about grace and judy and karen. karen is amazing. my karen love is much like my nancy weston love (shocker, right?). grace and her post-adolescence, grace and her awkwardness, grace and eli, grace dealing with her mother that is all about her . . . and her younger, cuter, sassier sister zoey, and then jessie . . . man. and i love jessie. everything about her. i would love a friendship story between judy and karen. you can do NO WRONG HERE EITHER!

basically, i am happy with anything you write!however, if you do decide to throw in psychological stuff, i really, really, ask that you get a good beta for that. it's my pet peeve. but sending people to therapy is like a major kink of mine, but please be careful if you decide to do that. (anyone can use a good therapy session!) also, i love canon. i love stories that work within canon, add to canon, etc. i would love it if you didn't go all AU on me - though if you really wanted to, go free!

fic: you can't count on me (uglies, shay/tally, hard-r)

2009-07-22T04:51:34Z

Title: You can’t count on me.
Author: furies
Recipient: Mina, redshoeson
Fandom: Scott Westerfeld’s Uglies series (set after the end of Pretties and before the start of Specials)
Pairing: Shay/Tally
Rating: hard-R
Word count: ~ 3200
Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters. I didn’t write the books. I’m super poor. No offense meant, I write because I love.
Warnings: These Specials are Cutters. Yes, that means what you think it does.
Notes: For the femslash09 challenge. Super-special thanks to fox1013 for hand-holding and making sure I wasn’t bogus-making. ;) Thanks to the mods for being so understanding, and redshoeson for the awesome, awesome prompt. Summary from Abra Moore’s "I Believe".

Summary: “Where is the laughter, where is the hopeful? Where is the light that makes me sing?” Tally's a Special, but she isn't a Cutter, not yet.

*

The sky was the color of a split pomegranate. The dark, crimson color splashed against the horizon, in stark contrast to the dull color of the hills behind Special Circumstances. Shay thought about the old myths, myths from the pre-Rusty period, about a girl named Persephone who ate six of those seeds while in the underworld. Because of that, the pre-Rusties thought, Persephone’s mom, who just happened to be the god of growing food and all other earthly things, got so bogus she created winter, a time when things wouldn’t grow. Demeter, Shay thought her name was. Either way, it didn’t really matter. The pre-Rusties and Rusties needed stories and gods to explain why things happened to them. Shay didn’t. She stared outward, her senses icy, her left hand gently tracing six careful scars on her right thumb.

She smelled Tally before anything else. Shay had turned her skintenna off. The problem with being the boss was that everyone relied on her for decision-making. It was like Ho and Tachs couldn’t decide what to eat without having Shay comment on it, and really, that was totally draining-making. Shay liked to get some air, every now and then, and let herself become icy just by being outside – her ceramic bones feeling every little vibration, her black iris eyes catching every movement like a time-elapse camera.

Shay often wished she could forget – forget Tally that was. She had to admit it was nice being pretty, in the beginning. Before Tally betrayed for the milli-time. Shay was happy, and Tally was happy, and they were happy together. But trust Tally to screw it up, and over a stupid boy who was mega brain-missing at the moment, too. Not that Shay didn’t like Zane. Because she did, that was the problem. Everything Shay did, Tally had to do better, even when she wasn’t trying. It could be so bogus, really, but Shay made Tally special, and that changed everything. It had to.

“Hey, Boss.” Tally slipped beside her, her smell so infuriatingly, well, attractive, that Shay wished she had some special smell-covering-device. She was sure the Specials had something that did that somewhere. Maybe they could just make it so it changed Tally’s smell. Dr. C would understand. Dr. C understood Shay better than anyone. (At one time, Shay thought that Tally did, but then Tally came to the Smoke and ruined, well, everything, and now Tally called Shay “Boss,” and she would be lying if she said it didn’t make her icy to hear it coming from that particular mouth.)

Shay took a deep breath. Pheromones, she thought, and maybe that was why David and Zane had been so into Tally, too. Maybe it had nothing to do with facial symmetry. She would have to ask Dr. C about that. Maybe they could use it to their advantage somehow. Trick some New Smokies into falling in love with Tally. People would do anything for her, it seemed. Something pinged in Shay’s head. Except for Maddy, she thought. Maddy hated Tally more than anyone. Another thing to remember. Shay wasn’t above sacrifice for the greater good.

“Though I would find you up here. Your skintenna’s off. The others are getting restless.” Shay wanted to laugh at the way Tally said it, like she was a) so genius-making for finding Shay, and b) like Shay would have accidentally turned her skintenna off. Shay was not the type to do something accidentally, unlike Tally Youngblood, who seemed to live her entire life as a series of mistakes. It was so annoying, really, when you got down to it, especially then when Tally wanted to be like, pathetic and all “everything is my fault!” Shay usually wanted to kick her then, or worse. Either say it’s your fault and fix it, or stop talking. Or thinking. Skintennas could be really irritating. (Though Shay really did kind of love it when Tally forgot about it, and then did something mega blush worthy, as if they were still uglies.)

She leaned back, her palms against the hard soil. “They have to learn to think for themselves sometimes, Tally-wa. Not everyone is as smart as you,” she said, as if she really meant the compliment. Shay’s specialness allowed her to pick up on the heat that started coming off of Tally, like Tally really thought Shay was being honest. So easy, Shay thought. When you have the power, it’s really so easy to convince people you were honest, to get people to do what you wanted. Each Cutter was like a puppy, even. Not that Shay ever had a puppy, but she knew from her Rusty history what they were. Poor animals that were trained to rely on humans for everything. Shay often felt like the Cutters were a bunch of her own puppies, and she didn’t hate it. She could see why the Rusties wanted something that would love them all the time and feel bad when they didn’t listen.

“Right, Boss. Always keeping us ready.” Tally’s voice was closer than Shay expected, and she cursed herself for it.

“Never going to know when we’re going to be called into action,” she replied, making her voice sound lazy. Shay glanced over at Tally then, and realized it was a mistake.

Tally’s skin was bright against the crimson sky, which was getting more and more like eggplant every moment. But Tally was almost illuminated, her flash tattoos new and stark against her pale skin. Shay forced her breathing to remain the same, knowing that Tally had icy senses now too, that they were almost on the same playing field. Shay was sure her flash tattoos were spinning wildly, but Tally wouldn’t look at her unless there was reason to. Shay took the time to look at Tally, closely, for the first time since the surgery. Tally’s arms were free from scars which would always remind Shay how Tally didn’t really belong in the Cutters, how Tally was different and then more different. How this was all a hope that Shay had. How Shay listened to Dr. C wanting Shay, her, telling Shay how she’d watched her since the beginning, how Shay was the really tricky one, how Dr. C knew Tally had just stumbled into everything.

Validation.

Dr. C gave it to her in a way Tally never would, never in a milli-years, and that was why Shay and Dr. C both agreed Tally would be a good special. Because Tally was a nuisance, but they might be able to control her this way. Shay knew Dr. C wanted to use Tally, but Shay and the Cutters had power that Tally never imagined, and Shay wanted her best friend back. She wanted the best friend that she left the note for, back when they were uglies. Not the Tally-wa that betrayed everyone, but the Tally-wa that thought Shay was so bubbly just the way she was. The Tally-wa that raced Shay up the rapids on tricked out hoverboards, and got angry-making when Shay didn’t tell her about the gap. And Shay, Shay who left by herself because she didn’t want to be pretty, Shay who didn’t take a pill but found a way to be bubbly all on her own, Shay who became the youngest special ever. (Shay made sure Tally’s surgery came after her's, age-wise, so Shay could always be the youngest. Dr. C understood.)

And yet, there was Tally, sitting next to her. Shay could have just had Tally turned pretty again. Or worse – Dr. C and Shay never talked about the “or worse”, but Shay knew there was something. Not just what had happened to Az, something really, really worse. Because in the end, Tally was Shay’s best friend, and Shay was sure that given enough time, Tally would realize what mattered.

“Hey,” Shay said, still staring at Tally’s pristine arms. “Tally-wa?”

“Yeah, Boss?”

“Tell the Cutters they are on their own for the next couple of hours, but to be ready. Orders from the Boss. Then flick your skintenna off.”

Tally did what Shay commanded, no questions. Her face betrayed her concern though.

“Anything wrong, Boss?”

Shay thought for a moment about how Tally never called her Shay-la anymore, just Boss. She wasn’t sure if she liked it better, or not.

“No, Tally-wa. Nothing’s wrong. Not exactly.” Shay gave Tally a razor sharp smile. She knew that even though their skintennas were off, the Cutters knew Tally and Shay were together. Tally had given that away, and who knew how much more. But at least this would remain secret. The Cutters knew never to cross Shay.

She shifted herself, so fast Tally’s eyes were still reacting when Shay was comfortably resting right next to her, thigh against thigh. Tally was still new to the Special thing, still not sure how fast she could go, how far she could go, how much she could do. It was lucky for Tally that Shay was such a willing teacher, ready to bring Tally up to speed on how things worked in the Cutter world.

She watched Tally’s flash tattoos spin wildly, glad that even without the skintenna, Tally was so easy to read. Some things never changed. Shay ran her thin, strong fingers up Tally’s arm and watched Tally try to control her shivering.

“The thing is, Tally-wa, you aren’t a true Cutter yet.”

Tally started to protest, but Shay’s hand covered Tally’s mouth before she could say much of anything.

“Yeah, I know. You were the one that got bubbly on your own. You didn’t need nanos. You were the only one that thought herself out of being brain-missing and bubble-headed. But I found a way too, didn’t I? And I didn’t need your help. I thought of it all by myself.” Shay shoved her arm in front of Tally’s eyes, and tried to control her feelings. She didn’t think she would get this angry so easily. She made herself breathe, and bit the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood. Everything returned with icy clarity again, and Shay smiled.

Shay spun Tally around so they were face to face, knee to knee. She took a moment to appreciate Tally’s cruel beauty, and the reaction she saw reflected in Tally’s black irises. “The thing is, to be a Cutter, Tally, you have to cut.” Shay pulled a knife from a sheath along her calf, and watched Tally carefully. Tally was clearly trying to have no reaction.

“So, what to do you say? Ready to join the Cutters, Tally-wa? For real?”

Tally took a deep breath, never breaking eye-contact with Shay. “Yes,” she whispered. “Anything for you, Boss.”

“Anything?” Shay almost laughed, raising her eyebrow suggestively.

And then, perhaps because Tally’s flash tattoos were already spinning out of control, perhaps because Tally never initiated anything herself, Tally caught Shay by surprise. Faster than Shay could blink, Tally had closed the distance between them, and was pressing her lips hard against Shay’s own.

When Shay opened her mouth to say something (something, Shay didn’t know what, but not stop, but something, because Shay was the Boss), Tally just kissed her deeper, running her tongue against Shay’s teeth, making it hard for Shay to breathe. She idly wondered who taught her how to kiss like that, and was pretty sure it was Zane. David didn’t seem the type to have that kind of passion within him, unless it was about some non-surge cause.

Tally bit down on Shay’s lip, causing Shay to stop thinking about anything but Tally. Tally had broken the skin, and was sucking the blood right out of Shay’s lip. She didn’t want to admit it, but that was pretty damn icy-making. Maybe more than anything else Shay had ever experienced. But Tally wasn’t in control here, Tally wasn’t in charge. Tally didn’t understand why the cutting worked, what the scars on Shay’s arms meant.

The pain didn’t just make Shay bubbly in the beginning, or icy now. It made her more herself. It showed her what was important.

When Tally betrayed Shay for the thousandth-repeating time, Tally didn’t understand. Because Shay had never betrayed Tally that way, and no one would ever betray Tally the way they would betray Shay. It was something Tally would never understand. And the pain of that, the pain of knowing that Tally would cast her away again and again, tossing her aside when the next boy showed up, or the next cause, or whatever, that made Shay kind of snap that night. The other Crims asked if she was okay, but they were pouring more bubbly and not really caring because they just did this completely bubbly-making trick, and Pretties were never really angry, anyway, right?

So Shay did what a Pretty would never do – she took a knife and she made herself ugly. Little did Shay know it would do more than that. The cutting didn’t just make her ugly, painful on the outside. It also made her completely and clearly bubbly – Shay knew, with that first slice, tracing the inside of her left forearm, that she could cure herself. She could cure others. It might not be as pretty as Tally’s way, but wasn’t the whole point to be un-pretty anyway?

Later, it would become something she would do whenever the stuff inside was too much to deal with. There was a surprising amount inside her to deal with for a pretty-head. Shay kind of thought, after hearing about the operation from Tally, that they took away even more with the Pretty surgery. Why leave all this stuff inside that could hurt so much? Like when anyone reported on the old Crims, on Tally and Zane. Or when she thought about how it felt to realize that she would never, ever be Tally’s first choice, even though Tally was her best friend. The bogus balance between them sometimes made her want to explode, but without fail, that sharp twitch of the knife, and watching the blood, her blood, spill in chaotic patterns across her skin brought her back to herself. To Shay.

Not that she would ever tell Tally that. Shay had her own secrets, and even though Tally was a Special now, she was still Tally.

But Special Tally wanted to kiss Special Shay, and Shay remembered that she was the one with the power.

She pushed Tally off, hard enough to make Tally hit the ground with a grunt. “Is that really what you want, Tally-wa?” Shay was surprised by her voice. It was appropriately growl-making, like a Special’s voice should be. But she heard a trace of pleading in it, and she hoped Tally couldn’t pick it up.

Tally twisted under her, so that her legs were wrapped around Shay’s leg. “Yes,” she breathed. “Yes, Boss.” Tally started shifting her pelvis upward against Shay’s leg, and Shay realized what was going on. “This is what I want.”

Shay stopped her. “Do you want to be a Cutter, Tally-wa?” And this was important, this was maybe the most important thing.

She could see Tally try to slow her breathing, felt Tally’s fists clench and release. “Yes. I want to be a Cutter.”

Shay handed Tally the knife.

Tally took it, placed the blade on the exposed flesh of her upturned wrist. “No,” Shay said gently. “Not there.”

Tally moved the blade to her upper arm, and staring hard into Shay’s eyes, sliced downward. Shay was the one that broke the stare, watching blood pool to the surface. It was thick and slow, viscous, and such a bright red. She caught her breath. “Welcome to the club, Tally-wa.”

And then Tally was kissing Shay again, and this time, they knew each other’s strength. Shay pushed her away to lick the blood off Tally’s arm, and Tally kissed her again, saliva and blood mixing, sweet and bitter and metallic in a way that made sense for two people who were rebuilt into something Special.

Shay wasn’t sure there weren’t spy-cams around, but decided she didn’t care. Dr. C would understand, when Shay explained she had to get Tally on their team, all the way. She might even smile at that phrase. But Tally was here now, and Shay didn’t want to think about anything else. Tally was moaning and slipping between her fingers and legs, and they touched each other hard enough to leave bruises, if they weren’t Specials.

Tally was definitely the more experienced here, even if Shay didn’t want to admit it. With a practiced skill, she turned the situation in her favor, demanding, “Show me what you’ve got, Tally-wa,” and Tally pushed her to the ground, roughly pushing up Shay’s shirt, and then gently, so gentle it was painful, biting her nipples. Tally’s hand appeared suddenly against Shay’s inner thighs, slipping in between her pants and pressing hard against Shay’s pleasure-making spot. Shay gasped. This was more than she had felt at once since the first time she cut, and this feeling was all together different. This was bubbly and icy and tricky, and every word she could think of. It was pretty, even if it was ugly. Shay knew that didn’t make sense, but it felt like it made sense, all the sense in the world. Tally’s breath moved upward, Shay’s sensitive skin exploding with desire with each air particle. Tally was sucking on her earlobe, Tally’s hand circling faster and faster. Shay was glad Tally couldn’t see her face, her surge spinning wildly. Tally definitely knew what she was doing, Shay had to give her that. And if this is why she spent so much time locked in that room with Zane . . . well, Shay could be forgiving, especially when it came to Tally. That was part of the problem, Shay thought, she always wanted to believe the best in Tally.

And then Shay came, quick bursts of stars across her pupils. Tally rolled to her side, and their breathing slowly started to match each others.

“That was,” Shay started.

“Yeah,” Tally cut her off. “Yeah.” Shay looked over at her, and Tally’s flash tattoos were still spinning wildly.

Shay leaned over and kissed Tally, tracing her razor teeth and memorizing her cruel-pretty smile, her black irises filled with Shay. “You didn’t have to do that,” Shay said.

Tally shrugged. “I wanted to.” And Tally traced Shay’s scars, traced the first scar that Shay ever had, the thin white line following her ulna to its joint. Shay was a Special, had been Special for a while, so she didn’t tremble, even though she wanted to. She didn’t collapse into Tally’s arms, even though she wanted to. Her bones were literally too strong for that.

Shay looked at the cut Tally had made on her own arm, already closed up and pink, almost fully healed. “You’ll have a scar.”

Tally smiled. “Isn’t that kind of the point, Boss?”

Shay knew Tally would never understand, not really. But it didn’t matter so much, now. Now, Shay knew Tally would do anything to get icy. And Shay understood what Tally meant she talked about Zane’s kisses breaking through her bubble-head thinking.

For now, she had her best friend back, and for now, Shay was happier and icier than she ever could remember, and the sky was the color of Tally and Shay’s black irises.

girls, girls, girls, fun in the summer sun!

2009-07-01T03:18:08Z

BE A PART OF IT: GIRLSLASH PORN BATTLE!!!
over at femslash_today

go post prompts, please!

not that i don't have my remixredux09 and femslash09 stories to write . . .

don't use me for your definition of.

2009-06-24T13:02:50Z

sometimes i just can't get my brain to stop. in the past, this might have lead to some not-so-healthy behaviors. but hey! now i just can't sleep, so please excuse the ramblings.

this whole fandom wank about warnings and triggers has actually triggered me - not the debate over whether or not we should have warnings, but the debate about what constitutes a "trigger", definitions being tossed around and terms that aren't defined (like the now nebulous PTSD) and whether or not being someone who has triggers means that you have mental health issues, and, as a subset of that, what mental health is - a disease? a result of abuse? etc.

i have mental health issues. if you know me, you know this. i don't want to do a whole song and dance about it, because part of what i enjoy as a writer and participator in fandom is that my own personal issues AREN'T a part of what is seen, unless i choose it to be. so if i read a story that deals with something that i personally know a lot about and gets it really well? i might choose to disclose. if they get it really wrong? i might choose to disclose. regardless, it's my choice, and my prerogative to decide. which is, i know, a privilege of HAVING a "hidden" disability/minority/etc. but in the same breath, the whole scary idea of the internet is that you can create a person that isn't you - or that you can't make assumptions about a person's skin color or background simply by their choice of layout. (or you can, but they are still just assumptions unless the writer chooses to define themselves in those terms.)

i, personally, don't really care if there are warnings or not. i grew up reading on alt.tv-xf and used warnings to FIND what i wanted - i didn't want schmoopy MSR, or MSR at all, really, so they came in handy. in this way, i suppose i can see the argument for "spoiling", though i never felt spoiled - i read about seventeen zillion takes on what "scully angst" meant.

being someone that has triggers, however, i do believe in using warnings - not necessarily for me, but for others. (i'm the sort that reads the story if the story says it has something that might be triggering - i want to see how they handled it, what they think about it, etc. - but i'm also possess a great ability to compartmentalize - and if i see the warning, i know to shift into "reading as a textual source" and not "reading for enjoyable story" mode.) which also helps - maybe i just want to read strange AUs that night. or a certain pairing. we already do that, don't we?

the warnings i think should be universal are: non-con, dub-con, suicide, self-injury, eating disorders, as these are the most common psychological "triggers" or trauma/disorders that are most prone to triggering. i also like the general "this deals with dark shit" warning, which is pretty much almost everything i've ever written, and the general warning/disclaimer type thing i use the most. i think those are the most common, but i could be missing some.

please don't think you are protecting me, or anyone else, by saying "IT'S A DISEASE". it's not a disease. there is no cure. our brains do not have ringworm, or some weird fungus. mental illness is NOT the same as brain disease - it is NOT MS, with plaque on the brain, or parkinson's, etc. brain chemistry might be messed up, but it is not the brain itself. there is also no CURE. in a lot of cases, the "illness" is actually the brain's best way to cope with something that it encountered. (see anna freud and defense mechanisms, to start.) everyone has probably wanted or requested a "magic happy pill" but it doesn't exist.

anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, etc. return a person to baseline. they do not solve the issues underlying the reason for it. they are not a cure.

i am not a "sick" person. i am not a disease. i am not an illness. i am a person, just like everyone else here. i do not want warnings because i am "sick" or "diseased". i want them because i am vulnerable to certain things, and i am aware of that, and how i react, and so i am doing my best to cope and deal. i want them because i know what it's like to be triggered, and i would like to spare people that tribulation, if possible.

(note: exposure therapy has its place and time, i will be the first to say. (if you believe in behaviorism, you have to believe in the power of exposure therapy.) but it is something that is usually controlled, in a safe environment, and worked up to - so don't think you are doing someone a favor by surprising them with a snake when they are afraid of snakes. there's a reason you have to be licensed to do this sort of work.)

it's not about readers, it's about owning what you write. it's about being a more aware person. it's not about pigeon-holing people as "diseased" or "sick" or even "traumatized" or "abused"- it's realizing that your way is not always the best way, and for reasons that are bigger than simple preference, but for people's health. it's saying, yes, there is a difference between being sad and being depressed, a difference between being disturbed and being triggered. it's acknowledging that mental health takes many shapes and forms, and that people and brains are both different and the same. if we can allow for 50 million kinks, certainly we can entertain the idea of triggers in our thoughts - they are not diametrically opposing thoughts.

people aren't asking to be handled with kid gloves, or for everyone to tip-toe around them. they are asking for a general level of respect. i should think people could rally that up.

khameni's speech to the public in tehran.

2009-06-19T10:03:13Z

i kind of tried to transcribe the ayatollah's speech, as i listened. it was long, and i'm going to paste what i have here, in case you don't see it or what to see it quickly - no commentary from me, things in parentheses are what people were chanting.

we should not have anxiety to the people of islam, should wait for tranquility from god. "god backs those who tread the divine path of god, god's path is tranquil . ." enemies of islam have always wanted to agitate and cause anxiety keep their belief firm helped them keep peace and tranquility in their minds, and that kept them on the calm path of god. hen you have peace of mind and soul, you can decide wisely, you can make the right move, these are the signs of divine blessing. today, we are in need of this tranquility and calm, this dignity, they need to create these qualities within them . . . prayers are not meant only to take your hearts closer to god, but also its learning that matters. in prayers there is both cleansing the soul and lessons. what is in your heart, what flows on your tongue, and what should be in your heart and flow on your tongue should be remembrence of god. 30 years of islamic revolution the course of which some events have happened which could have toppled, could have brought turmoil for the nation as you can see in neighboring nations. such incidents did happen in this nation, but in this country, let's call it a ship, which is in your hearts, which is about god, which did not find any agitation in the stormy seas. (people chant in affirmation here.) being bestowed by heavenly blessing is one thing, and preserving these blessings is another thing. we should never feel proud of ourselves . . . as far as i'm informed about our ancestors in this country and elsewhere in the world, i am confident that this nation will reach all its high aspirations and objectives. this spiritual atmosphere in society should be appreciated, political agitations should not take us away from god. they should never make us negligent. we should not forget where we are going, where we are headed. this revolution has been based on pure and honest beliefs. with all distractions and elements which take us away from the right path people are still recognizing the right path. in the world you can see agitation, they don't know what to do, their thinkers cannot do anything either, some of them have realized that the way to do anything is spirituality but how they can they restore the spirituality they have lost? . . . it's not an easy task (in the western world) but that is not true in our nation. and today our youth is mostly spiritual and believers and those that may not look religious they have their hopes and their beliefs. so we ask god almighty, we beseech him and his holy household to fill our hearts with spirituality more than ever ask god almighty to keep us in adherence to the holy prophet. we ask god to bestow divine tranquility on this nation. we ask god to take this oppressed nation, this powerful nation, we ask him to give us victory against our enemies, and we ask him to change our hearts to him, and to help us do what he wants us to do, and we also ask god almighty to convey our greetings and have the prayers above us received.

5 prayers here, i recommend them all to piety and to refrain from evil. what i'm going to raise in this sermon is the issue of the election, which is the topic of the day in our country for the time being. there are three issues for the time being, i want to address three different groups. the first is the egneral public, wherever they are in the country: there is one thing i want to address the political candidates, the political activists, and something to tell the world leaders of arrogance, the western countries, some of the western countries of course, some of the leaders of the media they are running.

i want to thank you, i don't want to exaggerate, no matter how much i exaggerate it's still nothing, it doesn't matter to exaggerate, you really have a made a great accomplishment. the tenth presidental election was a great show in which people indicated their feeeling of respibsibility toward our country, it was a great manifestoation of the people's involvement with their country, it depicted every well their solidatary with the established country . . . i have not seen this in other countries, in the democracies or so-called democracies where they county people's votes (chanting) in the islamic rule, also, apart for one referedum after the rev in 79 there is no precedent like any election like the one that happened last friday, turnout of almost 85% that means almost 40 million voters, you can see the role of the 12 imman behind this, this is the dign of gods blessing toward us. bottom of my heart to address all you people of the nation, i feel humbled in your precense, our young generation showed and proved they had the political understanding and insight, they are committed like the first generation of the revolution, the difference is that in the first revolution all hearts were excited, and in war they acted in different ways these days you can see the same feeling and fever in our young people this cannot be repudiated or ignored, some people support one person and his ideas and another backs another, and this is natural . . . but you can see a collective committment to restore their country . . . man, woman, everyone participated in this great move. this election was a political earthquake for your enemies, it might be said. for your friends across the world, it was a historic . . . a popular movement for renewing allegince to imman and the martyrs, it was a new move, it was a great opportunity. this election showed off religious democracy for the whole world to see. all those ill-wishers of islam saw for themselves what religious democracy means. this is the third path . . . this is what brings the hearts of people closer together.

second point regarding the election is that last friday's election showed that the people have their confidence, they have their hope, they have their fervor and they live in this country with all the enthusiasm and feelings that they have. if people are not hopeful they will never take part in election. if people did not confide in the islamic establishment they will never vote. if people do not feel free they will never go to polling place. trust in the islamic establishment was evident here. the enemies cannot deny this. the enemies want to create doubt, to create panic among the people, the enemies of the islamic people know that without there would be low turnout. when there is low turnout, the legitimacy would be questioned. they want to take away your confidence so that your turnout is low. this harms more than setting fires to banks . . . this is what cannot be compared to any other laws . . . in such a great move, the people actively turn out and then the people are told you are make a mistake you are not to trust in the islamic establishment that is what the enemies want. this is what they wanted before the elections . . . in march i was saying the enemies are looking for voter fraud . . . islamic establishment is trusted by the people this is not gained easily . . . for 30 years it has managed to keep this confidence.

the third point is the issue of rivalry. well competution of the rivalary was completely free and transparent of the candidates, everyone was witness to that. the campoagns and the debates were straight to the point that some people opposed them. they were somehow right at some times - some problems were created, youc an see it here. we still assume the comp between the four candidates was comp between between people and between various groups in the islamic establishments . . . the enemies (and the zionists) want to say there is opposition to the islamic establishment but that is not right, that is not true, they have not and to say is wrong. one of them is the president . . . one of the candidates used to be prime minister for 8 years when i was president, one was a major commader for years, during iran-iraq war, one of these was the head of the parliment. of course they have differences of opinions, they have different plans and ideas that differ from one another but they all belong to the islamic establishment. not outside the establishment. some of the media, the xionist media and some in UK and the US have been trying to say it is outside/inside and that's not true. . . . he says he knows them all, knows them well . . . of course i do not approve of all their viewpoints, some of their actions and ideas could be criticized, but it has been up to the people to decide. my will was not told to the people, never, people acted on by their own yardstick. . . . changing the reality is purely treasonist, it's not revolutionary vs. anti-revolutionary, it's purely within the islamic establishment . . . they tried to find the one that they thought would act best in the establishment. campaign - to the point, serious, transparent, telivised debates nullifed the outside that this was not serious, therefore these debates have been positive, there have been negative also that i will mention later. the postitive: everyone talked what they wanted, they uttered what was in their hearts, what they wanted to say, a wave of ciriticism came their way, they were criticized and they had to make their response and defnend themselves. the stances of ind and groups were put forth in thepublic eye nakedly . .. people could judge for themselves this way. people felt that in the islamic establishment they are not looked upon as strangers, no inside and outside in the islamic establishement that means everything was expressed clearly to the people. people's vote is not ceremonial in nature, the right of vote does belong to the people, this is what the televised debates showed. 10 million more votes. people's thoughts and mentalities, all this was involved, they came to the scene and they identified with the candidate they thought best. it went in the home, in the work . .. helps them decide in their hearts and their minds, betters their ideas and the islamic establishment believe in - i should add that it should not carry to the point of having carrying grudge with it. they should continue, officials and individuals should know they are being criticized and be responsible to come up with their own answers - this is quite positive. if such debates continue in 4 years, you own't see such an explosive commotion, all the arguments will be made, you will have seen them. deficiencies - in some cases you could see that the logical points of these debates were underminded and the emotional and destructive aspect prevailed at time. depicting the status quo, looking at the dark side of things, also casting doubt on the previous governments coudl also be seen. they allegations were raised, they were never proven, sometimes based on rumors . . . the candidates kind of lost their temper during the conversations, they also raised some unpleasant points. i enjoyed the freedom of expression in those debates and the fac tthat the islamic establishemnt came to the help of the people and help them decide but the deficiences made me sad.

for supporters of the candidates, those parts with the negative aspects, supporters didn't like them either and it was done on both sides - here at this platform in this sermon i should reveal the facts. both candidates had their own deficiences in their selves, it should be said. speeches given to him way in advance, insults given to the president whose votes came from the people, they accused him of lying - this is no good. they fabricated some documents of the government performance and haded them out here and there and we can see and we know what is happening in this country and we know they are not true. they called the president superstitious and they called him names which is embarrassing and they were not moral at the same time the same thing happened with the other candidate. past 30 years some people's names were mentioned, same people who spent most of their life for the cause of the revolution . . . tells them to go to the courts/judicial issues - you cannot raise such claims when there is no proof, then the youth thoughts they are raised the wrong way.

the president's ideas on these things is closer to mine (chanting)

in issues relating to social justice we have a clear stance - corruption should be fought wherever it is (major chanting) i want to mention the point here, we do not claim here that in our establishment there is no corruption, no financial corruption, yes we have that kind of corruption, but the islamic establishment is one of the safest and healthiest establishments today, some zionists accuse the establishment of corruption is not the right thing to do, corruption of the leaders is not right to d either. everyone is obliged to fight corruption, if it is not brought to control it will spread to other countries as you can see in western countries up to their ears in such corruptions, you heard the UK officials speak in this . . .

let me sumarize, the friday election was epic, historical, it affected the world. some of our enemies attempted to indicate this absolute definitive victory as doubtful, some even wanted to show this as national defeat, they wanted to give you a bad taste in your mouth, they could not see that the nighest turnout in the world that goes in your name - they cannot manipulate it anymore.

the time for competition is over. all the people that has voted for these four candidates they will have their rewards form god almighty they belong to this establishment, this might also be considered to be worship in a way . . . 40 million voted in support of the establishment, not just the 25 million for the president, but the supporters should know the establishment will never maniupulate the people's votes or commit treason. the legal structures of this country does not allow any vote rigging. everyone in charge of election agree with this. 11 million vote difference, sometimes if it is 1 million, there can be irregularities, doubt, but with 100 million how can their be doubt, how can vote rigging happen?

at the same time the guardian council accepts this fact and if some people have their doubts and evidence, it should be dealt with legal actions. i will never accept illegal innovations.

there will be winners and losers, no election will be trusted. . . if there is any doubt, we have a comprehensive law. as the candidates have the right to their minders, they have the right to file complaints. i ask the respective guardian council if they want to have a recount they can do it the presence of the candidates themselves, we have no problem with that.

ask the politicians, we are at a critical moment in this country, this is a critical point, a ciritical junction of history all of us are duty bound at this point to remain vigiliant, to be cautious, not to make mistakes. in the election people did what they were responsible to do, and they did it in the right way but we have heavier responsibilities on our shoulders.

if they want to keep going (basically) they will be held accountable for all the blood and the rioting. i recommend allthese old friends of mine to be patient, to see the enemies hands working, to see the hungry wolves in waiting, they are removing the mask from their faces these days, i invite them to open their eyes and see the enemy.

prominent leaders of diplomatic countries who have been dealing with us through diplomatic ways, they have removed their masks, they have shown their faces, the most treacherous is the UK. (people chanting down with with UK, death to the UK) i tell these brothers of ours to ask about their responsibilities, i ask them to remember what imman recommended in his will, the law is the . . . what's the reason for holding an election? all the reasons should be had at the ballot box, all the differences should be there and not on streets. if after every election those that lost elections take their people to the streets and those that won also take their supporters to the streets, then why on earth hold elections then? people are having their business, their frequency in the streets, they live there, we should not go to streets to show off our supporters to people.

for a terrorist agent, an insider was going to deal a blow, for them to hide among the masses is the best thing to do. for those people who are taking part in rallies, it is very good cover-up. who will be held accountable? it is the people who are killed, who is to be held accountable? there will be an emotional reaction, naturally. who is going to be responsible for these. you feel so bad hearing such mishaps. they go to tehran university, they go to the dormitories, they attack these students, they attack the students that are revolutionaries and (down to those that oppose jurisprudence) arms wrestling in streets is not something to do after the election. i want everyone to put and end to this. i want all this to stop. if they do not stop, they will be held accountable for all this.

it's also wrong to assume that through the street riots they can have a pressure lever on the establishment and they can force the government to listen to them, this is also wrong to think that way. giving up to the legal demands under pressure, this is itself the beginning of dictatorship. (we will never accept humility) this is a miscalculation, the consequences will direct those commanders behind the scenes. if necessary people will get to know them, in due time. (chanting) i ask all these brothers of mine, all these friends, to act based on fraternity, friendship, abide by the law, legal means are in front of you, peaceful means are there. the 40 million voter celebration should be appreciated. of course if some people want to take another way, then i will have to speak to them, but i will have to speak to them more frankly. (chanting - people annoucing their readiness to take the leader's orders) well the third group, i want to address the leaders of media, western media, and arrogant powers. in the past weeks i have witnessed the leaders of US and certain western countries and on the election day and on the night and the past couple of days after the election, there was a changing process. before the election you could see the bias and their words was that they wanted to cast doubt about the election itself, so they would see fewer people go to the polls. they had their own estimations and guesses and they predicted the same results but they did not expect the turnout this 40 million voters they never imagined. they were shocked. they realized what this meant to iran. they realized they had to adapt themselves to a new situation, world issues, nuclear issues, both issues inside iran, they were shocked, they realized there was a new chapter inside the islamic revolution and they have to come to terms with it. their own reporters covered it, on friday morning they started it and their feedback . . . when some started to protest they jumped at the chanced they started to "surfboard" and they little by little started to cast their eyes on the street rallies invited by some candidates, and they gradually removed their masks and showed their true colors, european countries and also america, they made some comments that

the president of america said "waiting a day like this to see people on the street," some people attributed these remarks to obama and then on the other hand they say they have ties and they respect the islamic establishment. inside this country they were looting, trying to deprive people of certainty, this comes from the espionage elements working for the west and zionism (death to america). so what happened inside the country went the wrong, so this mislead some of the people outside, thought this was like jordan, a zionist america capital a few years before . . . these fools thought that the people of this nation, this great nation, this nation cannot be compared, their problem is this country/revolution cannot be comapared, they do not understand. what matters, what is the worst thing to me, is the comments that were made in the name of sympathazing with human rights and taking it hard that the american officials said. they said, "we are worried about the iranian nation". you are worried about the iranian nation? who did that, who is bringing fighting and bloodshed to afpghanistan, who is crushing iraq under its boots, humiliating that country, in palestine, who supported that zionist tyrannical regime, and offered political support. and inside america, you get surprised, in the time of democrats when they were in power of the us, when the husband of this lady (he is referring to hillary), plus people related to some davidian group were burnt alive at this time - they were burnt alive at this time! and they called this religious group and they staged a sit=in, and they burned them alive, women and children, and they did not like them - and you know what human rights is? i believe the americans and some western countries should be embarrassed.

the iranian nation is the flag-bearer of humanity, it supports the oppressed in palestine, and anywhere where people are being oppressed, and this is the sign that we are raising the flag of human rights, that believing in islam this flag is raised, we do not need any advice on human rights.

i offer everything i have to this nation. we ask you, we beseech you, to pray for us. this revolution is yours, this establishment is for you, we will continue this path with full force, we ask you to support us with your prayers along the way. (chanting ready to give their life in the cause of their leader)

gonna piece the cards together and hit the storyboard.

2009-06-09T03:52:18Z

WOOO!!! I GOT THE BEST femslash09 PROMPT EVER. (for me.)

::weeps with delight::

i only hope my author is half as excited as i am, which leads me to:

dear femslash09 brave writer:

i feel i should note, straight off, that i love the twisted. dark, angst, death, mean sex, hate sex, torture, apocafic - yeah, all up my alley. so really, feel free to GO AT IT. if you've got a plot bunny, let it run free on the open plains! have no fear! and these are in absolutely no particular order, for the record.

my only real request? i really don't like fluff. (except maybe if violet is pregnant in the violet/charlotte situation, but otherwise, no, not really.) but i'm hoping you can get that from the pairing requests. however, i will love whatever you write, because i love all these women. i'm okay with happiness, or ending on a note of hope, or whatever, i just am not really the "story full of sunshine and rainbows!" type of girl. if you wanted to give them some total crisis, i wouldn't be opposed. ;) i'm okay with second person, too! (first person is my least fave, though i know sometimes someone just starts talking!)

here are more specifics about my requests, since most of this journal is locked . . .

DCU batverse - i LOVE helena bertellini. oh so much. huntress: year one is my preferred backstory for her, though i also like the crisis of batman and catwoman's daughter . . . anyway. she's insecure but overconfident, brash and vulnerable. love. her. i love her with babs, since babs wasn't sure of her at first, i love her with dinah, cause dinah always believed in her. dinah/lady shiva is just an excuse for a lot of dirty fighting and sex (hee) and misfit/black alice would be awesome - though really more of a friendship-type fic since they are little birds. but they are both injured, and it would be cool to see them figure out more stuff together. twisted is good here.

dollhouse - oh, adelle, you have so much power and yet you are so lonely. i can't be the only one that read slash everywhere in the "echo as margaret bashford" ep, can i? especially since that seems to be adelle's only friend? not to mention that adelle has always been slightly unreasonable with regards to echo. i love the character of claire, and the power relations there, and frankly, i just think whiskey/sierra would be hot. twisted is also good here.

criminal minds/csi:ny - two of my favorite women on tv right now. this doesn't have to be complex - i don't need a casefile, really, (though i wouldn't mind one!). mostly i just want stella and emily to be happy together. preferably bonding over some horrible thing that someone has done. if you can set it in new york and have it be accurate, i would jump up and down. (not that i'm not going to already, but you know. added bonus!) because they are both strong and capable and don't need a relationship to be fulfilled, but they must get lonely.

private practice - okay, this is where you can be schmoopy. since violet is kind of schmoopy, and i love her for it. i think violet/charlotte is basically inevitable thanks to the situation with cooper, and since so many people hate (or still pretend to hate) charlotte and she's all miss-got-it-together and violet's the shrink but clearly doesn't have it together . . . my only request is that if you decide to add psychology in, that it be accurate, please. i can't stress that enough. same with addison - addison is a mess, violet's a mind doctor but doesn't have the best common sense.

the l word - oh, bette. bette is so . . . bette. the type-A, must be in control, then falls apart, hard on the outside mess on the inside, bette. i mean, if she were a man, she'd be the CEO who goes to see a dominatrix before going home twice a week, or something. but she's not a man, which makes it so awesome. i really am not a fan of tina and bette (i think cheating again is inevitable, and that bette made major strides without tina and now she's kind of stopped) so if you can avoid that pairing, i'd be happy, though of course tina is always kind of there, anyway. i imagine bette/helena happening while tina is seeing helena . . . did i mention i love the twisted? ;) really, go wild here. don't mind cheating or lying or anything in this fandom. except for killing bette. that would make me really sad. i love bette and i love all the ladies, but alice/dana is maybe my favorite canon pairing after s4 bette/jodi. they are all messed up, but they all try so hard.

i think that's the theme of my requests - kind of fucked up women who try to do the right thing but don't always get there. like us all, right?

whoever you are, i love you already!

and if you need more info, feel free to talk to iamsab or intl_princess who know lots of things.

books, come and get them!

2009-04-22T19:28:47Z

all four secret society girl books for YOU! enter to win! and if you do win, send me the books when you are done! ;) (PLEASE enter, i want to donate the books to my california local library, which has NO money right now, and always has had a small YA section.)

how these stories got published

i want her life right now. especially since she's super nice, has a really nice puppy, and now is writing about KILLER UNICORNS. hahahah, that's SO awesome. i can't wait to get my hands on "Rampart".

but really, quasiradiant found the first SSG book on amazon for me, and was like, YOU NEED TO READ THIS, IT TOTALLY SOUNDS LIKE YOU, and it was! it was so much fun. and then i found out it was a series! even better. i want TAP & GOWN now, but roughly two weeks isn't that so bad to wait - especially since the second "Beautiful Americans" book got pushed back to a december release (so not fair) and everything else is out in the fall.

now back to watch the yankees/a's game and hope the a's can pull something out . . . i heart my little team, even when the announcers rag on them constantly. (and jeter, posada, swish and damon have done enough damage to make my fantasy team happy, so let's give the a's this one, yeah?) also, suzuki threw out melky - go kurt, go! (i really need to add more a's players to my fantasy team. man. i have none.)

indecision is the devil's friend, but only sometimes.

2009-02-22T08:55:19Z

this is for thelittlebang, FYI, which i can't properly link to on my phone. stupid internet being down.

View Poll: Help me decide what to write!!

don't judge a book by it's cover . . .

2009-01-29T22:13:13Z

here are some links to what are apparently the new covers of the uglies trilogy by scott westerfeld. they are the UK versions, it turns out. the covers may be triggery, no joke.

uglies: this one i kind of get, in the context of the books, though it still bothers me

pretties: the cover only link isn't working

specials: book three. i can't even.

i cannot ... explain my disgust and hatred for them. i suppose i might have not been up just by the uglies cover, but the last two don't even make *sense*. plus they are sensationalistic in a super disturbing way. i would not want my kid picking up that copy of specials, and i have to say, i'm really glad i have the old set.

i am so disturbed. really.

does anyone know why they would go this way? or why new covers were even necessary? please, someone, help me understand!! especially if these make sense in some way, or something! because right now, i'm ready to puke.

ETA2: should work now!! thanks!!

ETA3: this is the cover for "extras": again. don't get it.

thank you, i felt happy tonight.

2009-01-19T04:15:31Z

all BSG people should read this: decisions and how "sometimes a great notion" was written, decided, and executed

NO SPOILERS if you have already watched the episode. (though confirmation of stuff that some people might believe is still speculation?? i am a spoiler-phobe, and was fine with this.)

i found this very, very interesting (and was pleased, of course, because it affirmed my belief of what the episode was all about - hey, i can't say i'm completely modest) and i largely thought that what they tried to do worked.

specific discussions about the women in the episode were enlightening.

also, i didn't realize that this filmed during the strike! that brings an even more desperate feel to everything they were doing.

and i'll put this behind a cut:

i love the fact that eddie was wandering around saying, "this is the end! this is the end!" and the fact that kandyse made the little song up, and the fact that MORE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE. it sounds like basically EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE. WOO. though if lee adama is the sole survivor? i don't even know what i will do, but it will be on an even higher level if stupid susie had won last season. in fact, it will trump boston rob and amber being in the final two in ASS. yeah.

i personally think it should be gaius baltar and his crack-robot-scientists at the end, if it's going to be anyone.

on another note, how cool is it that they pulled off this episode like that without ron moore around? yes! laura getting off the raptor and not having ANYTHING to say! genius.

oh, also, this article made me feel better about the fact that the women on the show didn't converse much. because that actually means that their bonds are so strong, they couldn't deal with seeing each other fall apart. and also, this is them at their most desperate and down. they weren't really talking to ANYONE.

finally: i know there are people who won't believe me, but the suicide research done on this story-line and episode was really actually very accurate. and i thought it was brilliantly portrayed, especially when you realize what dee actually HAS lost along the way. creepily well done, in a way. i'm wondering what his sources were, because like i said somewhere else, someone on that staff had to deal w/a suicide or been truly suicidal or SOMETHING at some point, because it was too *real*. man.

i love my depressing show.

perhaps the amazonian women are migrating?

2008-12-25T23:36:43Z

oh. my. heavens.

i got the BEST yuletide story this year, no joke. i mean, this is like when fox1013 wrote me l'engle. but this - this is the story i've wanted FOREVER. and it's BRILLIANT. it's hilarious and snarky and witty and loving and REAL.

persephone/hades, where hades finds his sensitive side, and persephone learns a little about torturing the dead.

this is not a chick flick

not only is it a fantastic take on persephone and hades and their relationship, the other gods and goddesses show up in fine form - hera, artemis, lecherous zeus, stupid apollo, theiving hermes, etc. etc. SO. DAMN. BRILLIANT.

SERIOUSLY. READ IT. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.

THANK YOU, YULETIDE SANTA!!!!

i want the author reveal sooo badly . . . though now i'm especially embarrassed by the way my story turned out. oh well.

happy yuletide!!

Dear Yuletide Writer!

2008-11-12T01:24:16Z

dear fantastic yuletide writer,

okay, so i know my requests are really, really random. i can't really explain what happened when i was signing up, but i'm always a little off-kilter.

BUT! regardless of my crazy, WHATEVER you write will make me a happy clam. seriously! that anyone somehow matched up to my requests is kind of crazy, so THANK YOU.

and now i will make a cut for length and to spare my fl:

general things:
there are only two things that really make me not so happy. these would be: incest and boyslash. oh, plus PWP. however, i am all about shades and implications, as i found myself implying incest in the yuletide story i wrote last year, so you know, i know the creative process works in mysterious ways! i do love twistedness, and feel free to be as crazy as you want. honestly. go as insane as you want! (or not want.)

1. if you are offering karin slaughter, and you got this request, this is brilliant. because i love these books in a way that no one else seems to. (umm, see above how i love twistedness.) i am SO CRAVING a post-"beyond reach" story, it hurts. especially since "genesis" doesn't come out until this summer! i love character studies, analysis of relationships, the way we all fit together. especially these characters. ANYTHING you do here would be so awesome.

2. i hated the way the show ended. there was so much potential! anything set after, or near the end, is amazing. alternatively, if you want to just do grace and god, or someone else and god, i have three favorite incarnations of god - the goth student, the little girl with antennae, and the cranky mrs. landingham. but i also really like the woman trash collector. I LIKE THEM ALL. (and if grace/luke is REALLY your thing, then go for it. but maybe not make that the focus of story. or just have god involved somehow.) i am very happy this is eligible again this year. oh, and she wasn't on the list, but i adored judith, so feel free to have her around. ;)

3. i haven't seen all of thirtysomething. the fact that it's not released on DVD is one of life's tragedies. however, i love ellyn and melissa. like, a lot. and i do like hope, but i like hope when she isn't perfect. because she's so type-A, and she just needs to relax, but she doesn't and so i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. in my head i've outlined a whole series of "hope is crazy" stories - she develops an eating disorder, she gets major depression, she starts self-injuring, she becomes an alcoholic, etc. if you want to write any of those, or anything along those lines, awesome! if not, i'd just like a story with the girls, in any combination. also, slash away with these three.

4. hades is my favorite major god, and persephone has always been one of my favorite lesser gods. so a story about them together is awesome! i'm very excited about the prospect of this story and where it could go, but this is the only request that really would like somewhat of a happy ending on. or at least, where both are sympathetic. because i really like them both!

i like dark, i like twisted, i like whatever you want to do to these characters. feel free to go in any direction, really. this year, i think i'd like happy endings, or at least the promise of one, though my love of the black will never disappear. i am so excited, and i hope you are too! if you have any questions, iamsab knows me super well, and knows at least a little of all of these fandoms.

THANK YOU!!

when the ranks begin to fall will you come and stand with me?

2008-09-24T17:47:19Z

this is kind of incredible. also, the mccain/palin part almost killed me with hilariousness.

pass it on! HISTORY DOES REPEAT! (it's kind of scary how well the lyrics work.)

(i also love the jean valjean dude, popping up with his coffee cup throughout. this could only have been better if it was the cast of the office as well. with jim and pam as marius and cosette and karen as eponine.)